The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Has Zero Interest in Sex

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about:    - A wife struggling with her husband’s lack of sexual desire - A dad wondering why he resents his young son - A man trying to decide if he should propose to his girlfriend  Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors:    ·       Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·       Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ·       Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ·       Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ·       Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  ·       Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! ·       Explore Poncho Outdoors! ·       Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  ·       Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   ·       Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was very open and honest about wanting a fun, enthusiastic sex life. I was really vulnerable, and honestly, I was explicit. And he promised that we could try anything, that he would be into it. And then we got married, and all the handcuffs were taken off, and none were put on. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Taking live calls from real people from all over the world. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your mental, your marriages, your relationships, your kids, all of it, whatever you got going on in your life.

If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes so that Kelly can feel importante. I don't super know what a show notes are, but I know that everything's there. All the stuff is there. I'm so proud of you. I didn't even have to remind you to say it and you did. I'm so proud of you. Well, you got a tattoo on your throat that says in the show notes. Click the show notes.

She is trying to get AI on her side, so she is changing her tattoo game up considerably. Let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? Hi, how are you? I'm doing good. How are you? I'm all right. Oh, all right.

Yikes. What's going on? I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years. He is kind, he's faithful, he's good to me in many ways. but I do not feel desired by him. I haven't really for our whole relationship. I don't believe in divorce. We're committed to staying married,

but my love for him is being drowned out by resentment. I should deeply resent that he stole any chance I had to, not just experience like an unimited sex life, but the chance to feel wanted, even in the most basicallys. And I don't know how to accept the lifetime of not being desired by the one person who's supposed to want me. Exhale for me. Okay.

Have you ever said that all out loud like that? Yeah, I practiced this little spiel for like 15 times last night to time it, but then the guy said I wasn't supposed to read a script, so I sort of had to edit it down. Sorry. No, I'm wondering if, is that the first time you saw that all out loud to another person? I mean, my husband and I have talked very openly about it. Okay. What does desire mean to you?

That he, like when he looks at me or thinks about me, he thinks I want to jump her bones. Okay. I want to do things. I want to try things. I want to experience things. So desire for you is sexual. It's in the bedroom. Yes. Yes. Okay. Or on the kitchen table, wherever, on the couch, like wherever. Yeah. So backing out of.

Like, we'll get to talking about sex, you okay? But let's back out for a second. Sure. Where else do you not feel desired? It's mostly physical. Okay. He does a really good job of appreciating my personality, how hard I work, all the effort that I put in to everything. He loves and respects me.

He is very kind, very gentle, very, just like he's a really good person. He's a really good guy. And we've talked a lot about this, and he, I think he just does not feel that desire. I don't think it's me personally. I think it's no matter who he was married to, it wouldn't. He just doesn't have the, like even we were virgins when we got married. And even when we were dating, this was an issue. But we attributed it to fear of pushing purity boundaries.

and he, like, he told me once you're married, and I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off of you. I just don't want to push a line. I don't want to cross anything that we're not supposed to. It's like, so I chalked up his not wanting to make out to wanting to be a good Christian. And, you know, I loved that at the time. But I was very open and honest about wanting a fun, enthusiastic sex life. I was really vulnerable.

And honestly, I was explicit. And he promised that we could try anything, that he would be into it. And then we got married. and all the handcuffs were taken off and none were put on. So trying to find a good place to start. Sure, yeah, no, it's not a normal problem. All the Christian marriage books have a chapter about the other way around, but nobody knows how to deal with this.

I'm going to be, most of the Christian marriage books are about as useful as used toilet paper. So let's put those aside. My biggest concern here is you have said, I want this and I value this. And he has looked at you and said no. Yep, he said, I'm really sorry. I know that this is what you wanted. I know I promised you that I would do these things with you and give you these things. I just, I don't want to.

I don't, I don't. So how do you hold that intention with? Okay, and so let me say it like this. And I'm always careful when I say this because it gets weaponized in really awful ways. Okay. So I want to say this up front. If you are, it usually gets weaponized in the reverse. So if you're a man who's listening to this and you choose to weaponize this, I don't support that.

In fact, I condemn that. I think it's wrong. Okay, but there's two different types of desire. One is spontaneous. It happens. It sounds like you. I will do it anywhere, anytime. Oh my gosh, he looked at me.

How about right now, right? And there's responsive desire. Once this train gets cooking, I don't feel like it. In fact, I rarely feel like it, but I'm never sad that I did it. In fact, it feels good while it's happening. It's awesome. Yes. It just...

Yeah, he experienced... I'm sorry. Go ahead. Is that him? Yes, sometimes. Okay. So we, this isn't about like frequency of sex. We have sex a couple times a month.

I initiate. Most of the time, it's kind of not in the mood, maybe later. Sometimes he gets into it and it's fine. Those times are always always the same, but they're fine. But a lot of times... Always the same. What does that mean? Same positions, same routine?

Yeah. Same, yeah. But a lot of times it's like obligation sex, which honestly, it's worse than just being straight up shut down. I agree. I agree. I agree. He feels humiliating and I just want it over. Yes. Yeah, I agree. I agree. And so I guess my question for him is I would ask for anybody on the other side of this is, just because you don't feel like it initially, why has he not explored? Why I don't feel like it? So about five years ago, after a lot of pushing, we went to marriage counseling because, you know, is he gay? Is he with, does he have sexual trauma? Like, let's get to the bottom of this because we had already done the like physical, go to your doctor, get tested for stuff.

And after a year of marriage counseling, he could not remember any kind of sexual trauma. He out and out does not think it's any kind of attraction to men or anything. We really got nowhere. The counselor recommended that we ended up separating. So we separated for a couple of months. And then we stopped going to counseling because I didn't want to be separated. Okay. So you've boxed yourself into a pretty harsh predicament, right?

Yeah. And the other part of this is I sometimes wonder if I'm in the wrong, if the rules are reversed and, you know, a husband is asking his wife for something that she's not comfortable with. You know, everyone agrees that that guy's violating boundaries. So, you know, I'm spiral sometimes as, like, for example, like oral sex. I love giving it. He has no problem receiving it.

He promised he would try oral sex with me. But in 12 years of marriage, he's never once attempted it. And he knows how much it hurts because they bring it up almost every time we talk about this. What's his reason for not doing this? You think it's gross? Is he uncomfortable with it? He thinks it's wrong? He does not think it's wrong.

He told me he doesn't want to do it because he thinks he'll throw up. And that's really hard. It's really hard to hear because it's not just about the act and the fact that I'm never going to get to experience it. But knowing that my husband is like, Riz repulsed by you. Yeah. Intimate is shattering. And it's not me. It's not me specifically.

He's assured me of that. Like, he's told me, like, I am attracted to your body. It's not, it's not you specifically. It's any vagina would gross about. He's never seen me. He's never seen me in the light. I mean, I guess the best I can do right now is sit here with you. That sucks.

It's heartbreaking. Yeah, thanks. Um, and I have some very unhelpful, un, unremarkable wisdom to pass along to you, but it's not going to take this pain away. Darn. I'll take it anyway. Um, there's a lot here. Um.

I'm tempted to say, and I want to tell you that my temptation is wrong, but I want to call it out for anybody who's listening to this, okay? I'm tempted to say, what if we believed him? Oh, I do I believe him? No, hold on. I think there's something else. This one's hard for me because I only have one side of it, okay? Yeah. And there is a, it's overrepresented in the media, but it is a,

a physiological thing. There is those that, they're classified as asexual. Yeah. The switch is off. And I have, and they have no interest in turning it back on. Or they have no interest in being interested in how

pleasurable I can make my spouse's life. Yep. And I, and I don't know how to forgive him for marrying me anyway. when I knew and he knew that I was not going to be content with that because how do you not know that about yourself? And maybe that's wrong of me. Yeah, I mean, and that's where I'm going to get so unhelpful.

Like, it's not going to make you feel better or wisdom here. I would be very careful about the stories you're making up about him and why he did what he did. Why he's doing what he's doing. because the stories you're making up about why he's doing what he's doing is causing as much, if not more pain than what's actually happening in reality. And they're not getting you any closer to what you want, which is to be desired by your spouse.

And you all have done the things that I would have recommended, like go get hormone checks and medical checks, checkups, and go sit with a therapist and go try to unpack some of this stuff. Because statistically speaking, it is outside of the norm. Yep. And coming up with reasons that he somehow tricked you, somehow lied to you, somehow created this. Like, that's a lot of, that's coming from inside of you, not inside of him, unless he's looked at you and said, yeah, I kind of knew this.

I just thought it wouldn't bother you that much. If he did, if he did do that, that's some significant deception, right? Yeah, no, it's not that. Okay. So. I just don't know how to feel anything other than resentment and anger at this point. and so I think it's probably just an easy way to direct my anger. There you go.

That's a really powerful statement you just made. There's not an easy remedy for my husband says he's going to throw up. There's no remedy for, there's no easy remedy for my husband has refused to look at my naked body for 12 years, period. I'm going to be really honest with you and tell you I've never heard that. and I've talked to thousands of different people because that's that's not a that is an I'm going out of my way to make sure you don't feel loved.

Do you know what I'm saying? And I get how this gets all tangled up into she won't do this particular act and I would tell some guys, dude, get over yourself, move on with your life, you'll have a healthy sex life, you'll have a bunch of stuff and you're focusing on this one thing she won't do. I don't hear that in your situation at all, okay?

Because I do get calls mostly from men or have conversations behind closed doors with mostly men who are like, man, she does this and this, but she won't do this one thing. And that's this, like the glasses they wear is just the one thing she won't do. And it's a refusal to honor

discomfort on a particular thing. This is different. okay this is a wholesale rejection of you and this is hard to hold this tension i can't sit here without having talked to him and say that the rejection of you is somehow malicious or evil or mean i don't think that it is i think he just doesn't want to like he doesn't want to see me because he thinks it's gross he doesn't want to but the fact that he hasn't been curious like let let's figure this out together. I think this is going to be gross. Well, let's find out. You what I'm saying? Yep. That to me is the gap. I don't know. I don't know where to go.

So the unhelpful wisdom I have for you is this. You've boxed yourself in in this world, which is I will not leave. And I really, really want this part of my life, which nobody on earth would blame you for. for wanting to be desired by your spouse. Okay? Yeah. And so the only path in this box that you've made is to decide I'm going to let go of resentment because it's solving no problems for me.

It's just setting fire to the small cage I've put myself in. I don't know how. I know. I can walk you through it, I couldn't do it in a 15-minute phone call. No, sure. I can sit here with you. Because your pain and your hurt is very, very real.

The rejection is very, very real. You're not crazy. Okay. Being told that you're disgusting is, I can't wrap my head around feeling like that. So if physical sexual intimacy is off the table in your marriage, you have two choices. You can stay, or you have three choices. You can stay and be miserable.

and be angry all the time. That's what's happening now. Okay. B, you can leave, and you've said I'm not going to do that. Nope. Or C, I'm going to stay, and I'm going to find out what play and eros and eroticism and joy and laughter looks like in this set of circumstances that I have found myself.

Okay, how do I do that? You've got to sit down with a therapist and walk through that. It's going to take time. And going in the front end with a therapist and saying, I'm not leaving my husband, and everyone tells me to leave him. I'm not going to, period. I want to learn how to grieve well,

and I want to learn how to be compassionate at the same time. Because here's the thing, I'm hearing from your voice that you don't believe him. I think I've just felt so much resentment for so long that I have had to direct it somewhere. And I've known about myself for, you know,

since I was a teenager, that this, is who I am. And it's something about myself that I really like. I like that I feel this way and that I knew I was going to want to have this as part of my life. And I spent most of my teenage years and young adult years looking forward to sharing that with my husband. And when I got married, being like, guess what? And so the fact that this like piece of myself that I really like about myself is the thing that causes all the pain. But it's not, though. It's deeper than that. You get what I'm saying?

Like you had this picture of what you thought your marriage was going to be, and that picture's different. Now, you've heard my show that happens all the time. People who find out they're not going to have kids, and they had a picture in their head of 10 kids, and people who have lost, people who, like, that happens all the time. And it's painful, and it's the worst, and it happens to every married person at some shape, form or fashion.

They had a picture of what they thought things were going to look like, and it's different. But this is different than that. Underneath it all, if in your bones you don't believe him then the rejection is an active he is actively rejecting you I am choosing my whatever over your any like being with you

or if you dig all the way down and you realize oh my gosh I believe him because he's amazing in every other way then there is the I'm going to to grieve it like crazy. And that energy I have, that expression, that power that's inside of me,

where else is that going to be channeled? How am I going to make meaning and purpose of this? So, so, so, so much here. And sorry, I couldn't just, yeah, wave a magic wand on this one. And sorry, I don't have a good lived experience here. I haven't had this conversation before. This one's out of my depths.

but I would sit down with a therapist and say I'm not leaving him I need some path forward because I do think he's a great man who is incapable of giving me this part of my life and I'm not going to leave him so I'm going to grieve it and I'm going to realize that my cage is locked from the inside and I'm going to step out of it or I'm going to really get down into my bones and realize I think he's I think he's doing this to me and I'm going to act accordingly there

because then it's an act of fidelity it's an act of um or an act of infidelity somebody's willfully withholding and willfully not doing the work they can do to become whole themselves so that we can build something amazing and this whole thing gets so messy and it's so abused and it's so hard to talk about in a tiny little sliver like this but I'm really really grateful for your call Thank you so so much, Sarah. Sorry, I wasn't much help on this one. We come back, a man asks how to overcome resentment toward his oldest child.

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slash the letter you slash Deloney. Go get started being healthy. All right, Brooklyn, New York. Let's talk to Nick. What's up, Nick? Hey, hey, John. Thanks for having me. You got it, brother.

What's up? I'm major. Thanks for having me. I have some massive fan. Wanted to get into the question, you know, that really brought this. So I've just been seeing a lot recently. especially, I mean, it's been going on, I would say, a while.

But as I'm doing more thinking, you know, I'm just getting to a point where I'm getting very frustrated at my oldest son. And I could compare it to my second son that I have. My oldest son is almost three. And I think that I lack, there's a part of me that just lacks patience and kindness towards him. And thinking and thinking through it, I think that there's a part of the, part of me that hasn't like let go of the fact that I'm a parent and I'm not single anymore

and I have responsibilities. And I think there's a resentment in me somewhere that I can't seem to let go. And I think that triggers a lot of anger and frustration and impatience. And comparing it to my second child, I don't feel or get angry or frustrated or lose my patience with my second child almost never compared to my first child. My first child is almost three. My second child is a year and four months. So what is it about this three-year-old that sets you off, man?

Literally everything. Everything, I mean, it's... I mean, three-year-olds will do that. You know why? Because they're three. But I guess, how old are you? I am 26. Okay, so as a 26-year-old man,

why is... Why are your feelings subject to the way... whims of a three-year-old. Because that's my whole world right now. Tell me about that. Outside of work, I'm coming home, and it's my wife and kids. And when I wake up, I'm waking up at 6 o'clock to a cranky kid. When I come home, I'm coming to a cranky kid.

Or not. I don't know what I'm coming into. And, yes, his tantrums, for example, are not going to set my mood per se. But it's more that, yes, three-year-olds aren't supposed to listen. but he could listen and he knows how to listen and when he looks at me and doesn't listen to me and just laugh I just get very frustrated

I'm very angry not something that I'm proud of and I'm not no I'm I'm I am balancing so hear me say this I'm just be as open as I can I'm balancing my complete and utter understanding of where you're at

okay with also my I am proud of you for being honest. And I'm balancing those two things with my, I want to, like, grab your head and shake you. Right? That's how my wife is sometimes also. Okay.

She's a massive fan. Well, good. Sorry. On your behalf, sorry if she bombardge you with clips from my show. Like, you need to do like this, right? Yes, we go on road trips. And she's like, we're going to listen to John Barone now. I'm sorry.

The, the, uh, logical perspective. Yeah, this has nothing to do with logic. It makes no sense. Let's, no, it makes perfect sense. Um, I guess my, my question for you is, what do you think you're missing out on? I don't know what I'm missing out on. Okay. I'll, I'll tell you right now exactly what you're missing out on, okay?

Okay. You're missing out on the amazing, extraordinary adventure of a father and his son. you're not missing out on drinks at the bar you're not missing out on shenanigans with your buddies you think you like to think that's when life was free and that's when life was good but that that's that's playing at as Jimmy Carr says

that's playing at the low stakes table that's playing the penny slots and thinking you're having fun and then you moved up to the big kid slots you moved up you got off the slots and you moved up to the big kid blackjack table and now you're in a real game You get what I'm saying? Yeah.

And in a weird way, it's like, I hear you saying, like, you don't deserve this. How dare a three-year-old disrespect me? And I'm like, bro, he's three. You're putting adult responsibilities and adult ways of seeing the world on a, on a, basically a raw nerve. You what I'm saying? Yeah. But it's hard for me. I know, but I think it's, is it, tell me if I'm wrong, is it frustrating you because it's

reflecting to you, how powerless you actually are to the world you're in now? Definitely, there's a, yes, definitely I'm not willing to admit, or, I mean, consciously, I'm able to admit it, but subconsciously, there's a blockage that's not allowing this to happen. Okay, that blockage is called ego and it's going to destroy your family unless you go to war against it right now, because you're not less of a man when your three-year-old talks back to you. You're not missing out on an extra 30 minutes of sleep when your six-year-old, I mean, your three-year-old comes waddling into your room, cranky and wants to get in bed with you.

You're winning everything. You get what I'm saying? In playing this big boy game, you know, let's say this big boy game of poker. You know, I wake up every day and I'm like, okay, I'm going to be the best father I could possibly be today. And I literally wake up every single morning, and I try to think of how the day was yesterday, where I could improve and I really think about it as much as I can

and I'm trying to make improvements and then just one small thing just like tips my scale I don't know how to restart my day I've got you just get over it I've got you okay you ready

you're gonna be a great father in the rear view mirror the let what do you mean by that the line he was a great father will be something that your boys say at your funeral if you make that your goal every morning, you have launched out.

That's like saying, I'm going to go bench press 500 pounds this morning. You're setting yourself up to fail. Okay. Wake up with way, way more actionable habits and goals. Like this. I'm going to go love well today. I'm going to go be silly with my three-year-old boy today. I'm not going to try to give him lessons of discipline and correction.

He's three. By the way, he's taking his cues of emotional volatility from his dad. He's just mirroring it back to you, which is what makes it so angry, frustrating. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Like waking up every day, like, I'm going to be the best dad in the world. Dude, no, no man can live up to that. And here's why.

that's a moving finish line. You can never reach that finish line because you always could have made more money, send them to a better school, been more supportive, shown up at more things. Like that is, that's what's got our culture

into the mess it's in right now. Is you're turning being a father into some sort of stage performance. Be with... I guess it does feel like I'm failing to stage performance. That's it.

And you are because it's an impossible. It's never meant to be. be on a stage. A father, your kid, your kids are going to watch you and your son is going to absorb the tension in your home. And if he feels dad is pissed off at his job, pissed off that he, I'm getting a sense. Was this, was he a planned pregnancy or no? That's a little complicated. Um, no, it was, it was planned, yes, because it wasn't really proper birth control in place. And when during my engagement, I didn't really have the, as you

I mean, I told you on 26. I was young, and I didn't really have the words to communicate in a normal and safe, proper tone that I'm not ready to have kids. So we basically, yeah, just a result of not using proper protection. Okay. For all that is holy, do not make that kid carry the weight of that. Correct. This isn't his fault. He's not here.

He didn't choose to be here. You did. Correct. Right? Right. And so we're going to honor the bloody hell out of this kid. And I'm going to seek one connection point in the morning. I am going to seek to be the calm presence in my home.

I'm going to make peace with my job, but I'm working like crazy because then I got two kids, and I live in Brooklyn. We don't have any money. When a kid feels peace in their home, they have a chance for their nervous system to be at peace. Like I'm waiting for the next thing to happen. What next thing? I'm trying to come out. Whatever is going to come out of my three-year-old's mouth. just waiting for the next thing.

What's going to happen now? Do you realize that your whole house is spinning on the top that is your three-year-old? He can't carry the weight. He's three. Like if his dad is so reactive that he's waiting to see what he does or says next, he can't possibly win that engagement. And here's what will happen.

He'll learn quickly that it's his job to make sure dad's not in a bad mood. And he'll either bury himself, trying to make you happy, or he'll go to war with you so he can finally be seen in any shape, form or fashion he can be seen in. Those two shapes. Okay.

We're going to take all that weight off his bar right now. He's three, man. He's too early to be in the weight room. When he throws a temper tantrum, we're going to get down on eye level with him and we're going to say, hey, bud, I'm right here. As soon as you're done,

I'm ready to play with the ball. I'll be in the other room with the ball. And you can walk to the other room and flex your muscles and be like, right? But he's not going to see that. And I'm going to begin practicing,

not outsourcing my feelings to the performance of a three-year-old. Here's the thing. It's having compassion with yourself and your instant response and then do the next right thing, which often is I'm going to back up for a second. If you put this down on paper

and read it to your wife, face to face, looking around the eye when you can, and say, I want to practice humility, I want to practice letting my ego, go. I want to practice letting this anger go. I need to learn some new skills.

Will you be my eye in the sky when I can't see? After she picks her jaw up off the floor, my gut tells me she's going to hug you big and say, yes, I'm with you. Is that fair? Yeah. Can I just tell you, man, there's a lot of dads who cash out and you're not one of them, and I'm proud of you. Appreciate it, brother. Like for real. Not just talking. I'm for real.

Thank you. Appreciate it. And if you're able to get control of your anger now and get control of your need to inflict power over instead of be with your son, my God, dude, you're setting up a lifelong relationship with your oldest boy that's going to be transformative for you, for him, and for your entire family tree. But that starts with you inside your own chest, not with the actions of a three-year-old. This is about emotional maturity and strength that comes in the form of humility and exhale. and not outsourcing feelings to a kid. I'm proud of you, brother. Call me anytime, man. I'll walk with you on this one.

This right here, brother, is how family trees change. We come back. A man asks if he needs to match his girlfriend's sex drive and how to handle the pressure to commit. All right, true story. I was going to lunch with my producer Kelly, and she got into my truck, and she was expecting to hear some kind of punk rock music,

and she was surprised to hear a gentle voice. reading Jesus' famous sermon on the Mount. I looked at her and said, yeah, I don't just advertise for Hollow. I actually use it. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer meditation app in the world for a reason, and it's become one of the most important things I do to start every day. It helps me anchor myself in prayer, helps me slow down, and prioritize what matters most to me before the world swallows up all of my time and all of my attention. Hallow gives you space to breathe, reflect, and pray. It's guided, it's simple, and it meets you where you are to help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace.

You can try Hallow for free for three months only through my link. Go to hallow.com slash Deloni and sign up for three months for free today. That's hallow.com slash Deloni for three months for free. All right, let's go out to New York, New York, and talk to James. What's up, James? Hey, how's it going, John? I'm good, brother. What's up, man? Hey, so basically, my girlfriend, she put basically an ultimatum saying she gave me until June 1st to tell me that I plan to marry her.

Otherwise, she doesn't want to waste her time, basically. Hold her. I'm 30. She's 32. Okay. Do you want to marry her? God, I wish I could have a confident answer. told her I'm on that path and I want to get there but you're 30 you're 30 how long have you have you been together two years okay you know I wish I did okay then then not knowing is that

is that an answer to yeah that's what I told her and like I respected her for giving me that time frame like I you know that's fair I don't want to waste your time either and I love her and I really, I could see a life with her, but I feel like we're still growing our relationship. You're going to grow your, dude, I've been married for 23 and a half years. My relationship's growing minute by minute still. I guess that is. Like what are you, what are you afraid of? Take sex off the table for a second. Where are y'all not aligned? Yeah, I've thought about that. I'm afraid that our values might not align in terms of she, she wants to move out of, the city in three years.

I don't. I have a big side hustle, passion of music production, and I want to be able to focus on that and do that a lot. And being out of the city, I feel like I wouldn't be able to do that as much. Her first priority is

I want to start a family. I want to have kids. I want to live in the suburbs. So is that. Do you want to have kids? I do. So this is going to sound crazy and I was much younger than you,

okay? At 21, I was 21 and my wife was 20, she was my girlfriend at the time, we broke up and here was my reasoning. If all of my dreams come true and all of her dreams come true, we'll end up on opposite sides of the planet, literally. Right. What I did not have a capacity for was how silly and ridiculous my dreams were in comparison to how great, connected and amazing marriage and kids and that whole other thing. was. Yeah. And I'll tell you this, in a million billion years, I would not have been able to communicate to my 21-year-old self, or even my 30-year-old self. Hang on, brother. The thing you think you want is coming, but it's going to come later than you think it's going to.

And now I travel the country and speak and do comedy and laugh and play music. I do all of it. I have the time of my life now. And it's a thing. thousand times better because I'm anchored with somebody doing life together. But here's the thing. Yeah. Um, if that's not where you are right now, that's okay. Let her go. Because what you want is all of it. Yeah, that's where I'm conflicted. I'm like, if I'm not at that point yet where I'm ready to, quote, settle down. Like, what if I get there in two years and I regret leaving her because that would have worked out?

Like, I feel like there's a lot of pressure there. I just feel like it's too soon for me to be able to constantly know, like, yeah, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and, like, this is the path I want to take in my life. And I totally get the having a partner to be that win. under your sales as you, you know, reach for your goals, and she's very supportive. And I really love her for that. We're not without our squabbles and fights. And, you know, I feel like we fight more than the average couple. And I'm like, is this, you know, going to get better? Is this worth, you know, if it stays like this, is this worth it for the rest of my life? A lot of questions like that.

And here's the thing I'm hearing under all of your concerns and questions. Is what I think is one of the most damaging phrases in the English language. This is just going to be the way this is. And what you're leaving out is you and her get to co-create whatever world you'll want. Yeah. And if she has said, I am not interested in co-creating a world with you. I'm interested in marrying somebody who wants to live in my world. I will tell you, y'all should not get married.

No, she's not said that. Okay, if you're saying that, I want to marry you, but I want you to live in my world. In this town with my side hustles, with my passions, my dreams, I would tell her, don't marry this guy. Boy, she's going to be compromised on both sides. Well, compromise is a great, wonderful, beautiful thing. Negotiation is a great, important thing. Coercion is not. nagging is not

dishonesty is not yeah I guess I'm afraid of like letting my dreams die so walk with me how do your dreams die I don't get to do what I do as frequently

I don't get to be around what is it that you do music production so producing mixing recording okay so you live in the burbs you can't go to town and people won't come out to see you I mean I could

It's going to be a lot harder. What does that mean? It can take a lot more time. I'm not going to be able to easily bring clients to my place like I do now. I'm going to shows. I'm not in the mecca of at all. Okay. So I'm being provocative if you're okay.

So let her go. Yeah, right. I'm like, if I let her go, am I going to try so hard to find someone better and, like, how to look better, that's that's totally relative and up and everyone's gonna have. I know, I get that. I know, I know, I know.

I know what you mean. I know what you meant. Yeah, but like... More compatible. A thing that comes to my mind a lot is like she's not a creative. It doesn't have that creative drive. Doesn't have like, you know,

and like big passions that she worked towards. Like she has hobbies, but like not like something she's working towards, right? Yeah, but you've never seen creativity in action until you've seen somebody who says, I want to be a full-time mother. That doesn't come with D. and it doesn't come with clients.

She would be a great mother. That's what I'm saying. I'm not going to judge the word creativity in just this vein as an artist. Because I know some incredibly creative plumbers and some incredibly creative mothers and some incredibly creative coaches. That's a good way to look at it.

And I am maniacally creative all over the place. My wife is creative in ways that are awesome, you know why? Our bills get paid. Right? Like, she makes sure our lights stay on. It was a shock to me that they wanted to get paid every month for water, right?

And so what some people see for, if you're a creative, they see a going all in on a relationship and putting the relationship ahead of my creativity. Like, the most important thing to me on planet Earth is this marriage. Yes. What they often miss is that it's not a ball and chain. It is a secure anchor point to now I can jump off even higher heights because I'm connected to something bigger than myself. Yeah, and that is hard for me to fathom, but I keep hearing that.

I know, but listen, that goes in the other way. There are people who get connected, and that person is a ball and chain. You're going to live in my world now. you're giving up this stupid music stuff because you got kids. Right. Right. And so I don't know that. I can't tell you the difference for you.

I don't know her. I don't know you all's dynamic. I don't know any of that kind of stuff. I don't know if you're just, if you're scared to commit or, man, you've had two years and you know I love this person and just because I love her doesn't mean

she's my forever person. God. Yeah, there's so much there. I don't think she's bald and shame person. and we've worked a lot through that. Maybe at first she was pretty rigid of like, this is what I want our relationship to look like,

but lots of trials and situations. And part of me is like, is like, this place is supposed to be this much like hard work? Yes, I know, but like all these fights and all these, like... What do you fight about? What do you all fight about? I feel like I'm the typical dismissive avoidance. She's a big anxious attachment,

and I like my space to be able to have my autonomy and she wants, you know, to be able to spend this much time together and do things in the way that she thinks is right. Like we should do this amount of time and this way. And when, and she tends to like shut down and get very emotional if I, like, disagree with her on something. and we've had a lot of work with that, and it has gotten better. Like, you know, a year ago, I would be like, this is too much, but it's gone on the up trajectory, but it's still, it's like almost every week we're having one of these kind of, these arguments. So here's the only way I've seen long-term relationships to be really successful. okay. It is so counterintuitive and so countercultural and the internet will light me up for saying what I'm about to say, okay.

It is a race to see who can out-serve the other. To serve the other. And I would, in my world, I would want my wife traveling with me to every show, being on the front row of every live event. I would want that. And that's an extraordinary amount of pressure because on the front row of every show, everybody looks to my wife. to see if she's laughing, is she engaged, is she thinks this is funny, and suddenly she's on a secondary spotlight that she never asked for.

And so I am racing to serve her in every way possible, which is, I'm always going to say I would love you to be there, and I am not going to take personally, even though I feel it, when she says, I'm going to sit this one out, or the kids need to do this, or I need to be home for this.

Awesome, because I honor and respect that. on the other side, she puts on the calendar, I'm going to go to this one. And I'm going to sit through and wade through my discomfort because I know how much it means to him. And it's a dance forever. And the moment we start saying, well, what about me and what about me and what about me?

Is the moment we start keeping score, and that's the moment this thing starts to fall apart. And if you're not there, that's okay. But choose reality here. What does that mean in brass tacks for you? Can you say out loud, here's what I want. I want to see you as often as I can. But Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my music nights.

And can she hear that? Not as rejection, but as my boyfriend is going to come home so fulfilled creatively and so whole, that when I have him, it's going to be laser-focused. Yeah, we have a lot of discussions. about that and that's gotten better too she gives me the time space I need to work from my music stuff and I make sure when I'm done that I spend whatever the free time of the night I have with her okay is that time life giving is it fulfilling does it make you feel whole and able to go tackle the next day even greater or is it on a task list of things you need to do along with laundry and

everything else. It's nice. It's comforting. She is a great comfort to me. That's where the sex thing comes in where I'm like, I don't have the energy to do that after this, a night like this. And so what is sex, sex is a part of it, okay? But I think there's a much bigger picture here, which is, am I creating a world or will I be interested in creating a world where she and your marriage come first. And for her, where you and your marriage come first. And we can put all the things, sex drive differences, where we want to live differences, how many kids we want to have, we can navigate those things all through this one singular lens, which is our marriage wins. And that means some of us are going to grieve things that we wanted it to be and it's not going to be

that way, but the marriage is more important than that. And I don't get the sense that y'all are there yet. I'll tell you this. You're going to make a hit record. It's going to happen. You're going to make a hit record and it's going to go big. Ask yourself when you're holding this hit record. You want to celebrate with your boys? You want to celebrate with her. That's the question you'd ask yourself. Because if your first thought is she's going to be my first call, then the record doesn't matter so much because you found your person. If it's, I got this hit record and I'm going out with the boys, tonight we're going to burn this town down. I'll call her tomorrow. That's a good question. I mean, that's a good answer for you. None of this is easy, brother. But let's think in steps, not in feelings. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts. It can also damage our mental and emotional health, and it can really take a toll on our relationships. Money worries cause anxiety, and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. My wife and I struggled with, money stress for years and it definitely had a negative impact on our relationship.

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help. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right, this is from Adam in Springfield, Virginia, and he writes. On January 31st, my wife and I got our first pregnancy test positive after trying for almost a year. About 10 days later, on February 9th and 10th, my wife was experiencing bleeding and stomach pains, and it was confirmed by our doctor that she had miscarried.

I've been watching your show for several months, and your advice really helped me navigate this with her. We are buying a memorial box and we'll write letters to our angel. We have a healing journey ahead of us, but your advice, I think, puts us on the right track. Thank you. It's awesome. I hate that they're going through that together. I've been through that, man. That's the worst.

And good for you for heading into the healing. It's awesome. Thank you for that note, brother. And my thoughts are with you and your wife. Love you guys. Bye.