The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Is a Serial Cheater and Nobody Knows

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about:  A wife wondering if she should tell her family about her husband’s affairs A husband wanting to help his wife put her life back together A woman who said rude things about her sister-in-law and it backfired Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors:    ●      Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. ●      Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ●      Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ●      Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ●      Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! ●      Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ●      Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  ●      Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! ●      Explore Poncho Outdoors! ●      Get 25% off your order at Thorne.      Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I stop covering up my husband's transgressions? I've caught him sending an appropriate message to other women. They strongly disapproved of my first marriage, and it really took a toll on my family's relationship. And I finally, like, built that back up, but... It's built on a line. Hey, this is John. I'm glad you're with us.

The associate producer, Alex, back there, just told me I am tall and hot. And Alex, I accept. You're welcome to tell me that anytime. Kelly has never told me those things. But I can tell by the way you angrily stare at me. You think that's true. Not so much. Whatever makes the work happen, go with it.

That's what you said when you bought me drugs about a year into this. If it worked. I need you to still be doing it. Let's go to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah? Hi, John. I'm so glad you took my call. I'm really excited to talk to you. Well, thank you for calling. What's going on? So my question is, how do I stop covering up or hiding my husband's transgressions from my family? That's a loaded question. Tell me more about it. Yeah. So just a little backstory. My husband and I have been together for five years and married for one. And in the five years that

we've been together, I've caught him sexting or sending an appropriate message to other women about three times. And each time that that happens, I feel the need to hide it from my family because they honestly think the world of him. And this is the first relationship that I've ever had that they approve of. They strongly disapproved of my first marriage because of problems that my ex-husband had. And it really took a toll on my family's relationship. with me. And I finally, like, built that back up. It's built on a line.

Yeah, yeah. It's not real. Yeah, exactly. Why do you care less about your own safety and integrity and more about the fake analysis of people who don't live in your home? I don't know. I really don't. It's just always kind of been that way.

I don't know how to put myself. first, I guess. Yeah, I mean, because the next question I would ask is, why, why did you marry a guy? You knew this before you married him. Yeah, it had happened one time before, before we got married or engaged, yeah. That you know about. Yes, true, very true. It would be strange if it happened once over four years and then suddenly twice now that you're

married. Yeah. I wonder if you're closer to him and y'all are more intertwining your lives and you're seeing it more. Possibly. That could be. And since it happened the first time, I'm definitely on high alert for it. So I go looking for it more, which probably isn't healthy either. But I mean, the thing is, and this is going to sound so contradictory,

but he is a really great guy in all the aspects that make building a life together sound good. Like he's... Trust and integrity? He's... Yeah. No. Yeah. I'll take somebody

who makes less money but tells me the truth and is a ride or die seven days out of seven. Yeah. I'll take somebody who is... Doesn't look like Brad Pitt, but who is loyal

and will ride or die. I'll take to somebody that I can get old and wrinkly with over somebody I always have to wonder if yes, their direct deposits hitting and they're helping with the dishes, but they're also sending picks out to people

and requesting Tappos photos of strangers. All day, every day. I would make that trade. Yeah. What is it, I'm probably going to be able to answer my own question with this constant need for your parents to approve of you trying to take care of yourself and keep you safe, but, man, you have a pretty small picture of yourself.

Yeah I've talked to you for like two minutes And I think I already have I feel more a sense of your value than you do Yeah that's probably true Did you grow up in that world Yeah Where there was just a steady

A steady sort of Damocles Hanging over your head at all times from mom and dad Were they're going to prove of the next action you took And the next thought you had And the next dress you wore Um I think it was more being left out of their world.

So trying to stay in it. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. My mom had me when she was really young. And my dad, I don't know, my biological dad, but my stepdad that stepped in, he was also young. And they did the best they could,

but it was really rocky for a really long time. And so now that I feel, feel like I have a good relationship built with them. I'm really scared to lose it. So here's how you're going to know. You sit down with your mom. Like those things are true and they happen and that's wired into your nervous system. And you have to do the next thing.

Yeah. And by the way, I'm not suggesting that anybody who catches their spouse cheating automatically has to call their family. Right. Yeah. And that's something else. I was wondering, like, do I even need to tell them? I wouldn't.

But I just feel so alone in this. Like, I just. Well, that's the question. Who else can you talk to? Who else? Do you have girlfriends? Do you have a counselor? Do you have a spiritual advisor?

Do you have somebody that you can sit down with and say, I'm experiencing some really awful stuff in my house? Yeah. Do you have that? I, so the one girlfriend that I thought I did have, I started telling her about it. And she is actually having an affair on her husband. So that kind of shut that down.

And did you think? Good God. Yeah, that was hard. And then my other girlfriend, she's just in a season of life with little babies. And she just doesn't, she's just not in a season where she can give emotionally right now. And I understand that. I have been thinking quite frequently about trying to find a therapist. Today.

Yeah. Today. And in a large metropolitan city where you live, it's not trying to find. You just get on the phone and call some people. Yeah. And go to two or three sessions. And if you have a connection there, even if it's uncomfortable, it will be uncomfortable for you, especially somebody who is always asking yourself, do you like me?

Am I worth even being in this room with you? It'll be uncomfortable for you. But keep going. And if it just feels like there's no connection here, I don't want to be in this room, I feel unsafe for this person, cool, go find another one. But that's the work to do

is you have to find some folks. If that is your family, then great. But if your family's going to weaponize your safety and they're going to choose this other dude over you, then they don't want to be in relationship with you. Yeah. And that's heart-breaking.

Yeah, I doubt that's what would happen. It's just such a reflex now that I don't even give them the chance, I think. Okay. If you go to them and you tell them all of this and you say, hey, I have some hard things to tell you, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose our relationship. Can I trust y'all with some really hard stuff? Because I got nowhere else to go. If they said, oh, my God, come inside, sit down, yes. And you said, I found these things on my husband's phone and I'm wrestling with him.

I don't know the next right move. It's a third time in five years. This has happened. I didn't want to disappoint y'all. I don't want to disappoint myself anymore. There's some aspects of this relationship where he shows up pretty great. And this part is a nightmare. There's just a tension in my life.

The challenge if you do that is, if you all choose to reconcile, and this guy just does a 180 and is like, I'll never do this again. They can't get that out of their head, right? Right, right, exactly. It's there forever. And if they're good parents, they're going to side with you, right? Yeah, yeah. And if they're good parents, then when you say, hey, all, I've forgiven him,

we're making this thing work, we're making a go of this thing. We've got some plans in place. I need you to be on our side now. then great, maybe they could do that. It doesn't sound like they've done that in the past for you. No. Okay. So everything you're telling me is that they're not a safe option for you

or a wise option for you. Yeah. Which is probably more scary because you've got nowhere else to turn. Right. That's exactly it. Then if not for you, for me, for the people listening to the show, hear me say you're worth making a phone call to somebody

even if you have to pay them by the hour to sit down and talk with him and say I'm not okay I don't know what to do next and I'm curious what makes this guy absent the fact that he's cheating on you what makes him so great in other areas I'm interested in this part of the story

well when we got together after my first marriage It was a couple years than we met, and I really didn't think that I would ever be with anybody again. Like, I was very content to be by myself, and he was the first person that really took an interest for who I actually was and not how I made them feel. And we have built a life together. We travel, we have fun. And I have the best times with him when I can put those things out of my head.

And we built a business together. I wanted, I had a dream of this business and he basically put his blood, sweat, and tears in it to make sure that it came true. And so it's just, it's really hard to reconcile, like, why he would do these things. and it just automatically makes me think that I'm not enough. Well, of course, because through his actions, he's telling you you're not enough. Yeah. And I mean, I listen to your show a lot, and I've told him, you know, just recently, you know,

behavior is a pattern, and I can't accept patterns. I can accept a mistake that you make and we move on from it, and it never happens again. but now this is clearly a pattern and is this how it's going to be for the rest of our lives. What was his answer? He always says it's not going to happen again. Well, I know, but that's not true. Yeah. His answer to this is white knuckling and putting his head into work and not thinking about it.

which means there's a hundred percent failure rate in that sort of approach. Right. Until he decides to dig into why he is so uncomfortable in his own skin. Let me put it this way, you can't solve what's going on inside his chest for him. Right. But it does call up the same old demons of you being a four-year-old little girl wondering where's dad? Yeah. What is it about me that my young mom and my young dad don't want to be around me?

Yeah. The same alarm bells are going off. As we have success in travel, success in business, we have a fun sex life, we have fun together. Yet what is it about me, that I'm not enough? Okay. And I need you to hear me say your bio dad left because something was going on with him, not you. And your mom and dad, your stepdad and your mom had demons when they were kids and it wasn't about you. And this guy struggling with stuff inside his own chest.

I hate to say it's not about you. What is about you is your safety and well-being. And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't work with people that I don't trust. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And if people will cheat on their spouse, my God, they'll cheat on me. Right.

They just they will It's all Yeah It's all stuff that I Needed to hear I Know it and myself But also

It's really hard To just put it down And not look at it For a little bit Yeah It burns When you grab it Yeah

I hate that You too So hear me say that you're worth somebody that's going to tell you the truth. And you're worth somebody, not that's not going to find other people attractive, but isn't going to sexually engage with other people. Right. And you're worth somebody that you build a dream and a business with that you know, I can count on that person.

You're worth having friends. Just if you get nothing out of this phone call, just hear me say you're worth so much. And untangling this is going to be hard. And you might disappoint your parents. and if you do, good riddance, man. And if you've listened to this show for more than one episode,

you know that I can't stand up and people cut off everybody in their life for no reason. Yeah. But this isn't a matter of cutting off. They cut you off a long time ago if they're going to walk away from you and your time of need like this.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Will you commit to me, will you call somebody today? Yes. And set up an important. After I get off this call. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you so much. Tonight, when you're by yourself, I want you to get out a piece of paper or a small journal, and I want you to start writing the phrase, I am worth, and I want you to free write all the things that are true. I'm worth somebody that I trust. I'm worth parents who will be with me by my side when somebody else hurts me. I'm worth a business partner that I can count on all the time to be honest. I'm worth a spouse that sees another sexy person on the internet

and doesn't feel the need to solicit nude photos from them. I'm worth laughter in my own house. I'm worth going on vacation and not having to consciously shove things out of my head just so I can get through the day. Yeah. And I want you to take that worth list into your counselor and say, I know I'm worth more than the life I've created. and I don't know how to get here

and let your counselor walk with you. And it won't be forever, but tell him that you want to develop a path. Yeah, that sounds really nice. I know. It's a matter of choose you're hard. You can keep doing the same thing you're doing and it's hard to always wonder who he's texting.

Yeah. Why he's 30 minutes late, why he's an hour late, why he's two hours late. Where is that other $600? Oh, okay. That's hard. Right? Yeah.

And changing this will be hard. Yeah. Both paths are hard. Choose the one that's going to give you the most worth. I think I'm ready. Okay. I'm proud of your sister. Thank you for the call. Call me back anytime. Anytime we can, I can help. Call me. Even if I can't help, I'll just sit here. I'll sit here with you. Thank you so much. When we come back, a man asks how he can talk to his wife about her re-inging.

engaging with her life. All right, you all know that I use Hallow. And right now, you can try the app for free for three months. That's 90 days of the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world at no cost. And this offer is only for my audience. Go to hallow.com slash Deloni and check it out. And listen, here's why I use it. My life's busy, family and work and everything else that the world throws at me.

And if I'm not anchored spiritually, I'm untethered everywhere else. Hallow helps me start my day grounded before the chaos comes. And this year, Lent starts early. Lent is a season of reflection in fasting for Christians, but honestly, anyone can benefit from hitting pause and resetting with purpose. Hallow walks with you through that process with daily reflections and guided prayers that bring clarity and peace. Hallow helps you breathe again.

It just creates space to be present. So if you're ready to quiet the noise and reconnect with what matters, check out Hallow. Remember, when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloni, you get three months absolutely free. That's hallow.com slash Deloni for three months for free. All right, it's got to Dallas, Texas and talk to James. What up, James?

Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm good, man. What's going on? Good. Well, hey, first off, I just wanted to say thanks for everything you do on your show, man. I think it's fantastic. I've learned a lot from it, and I hope everybody feels the same way. Well, I appreciate it. There's some people in a Reddit thread that do not think that way, but I appreciate

you calling it. There's all that's going to be haters, right? That's right. So, you know, I think this is something that a lot of spouses kind of struggle with. And bottom line, like, I kind of just feel like my wife is just let herself go just emotionally, mentally, physically, and, you know, I want to do everything I possibly can to help her get back on track, but I just don't have the answers. I don't know where to start and, you know, if I try to talk to her, you know, I get this sense that, I mean, she'll just tell me flat out, like, gosh, stop being on my case 24-7, they're always on my case, and I just need some good tactics because as a guy, you know, I know we're not all built this way, but, you know, a lot of times when friends will ask, hey, how all the things going,

like, oh, it's good, everything's great. We just don't open up a lot. So, you know, I don't know who to talk to. And I just need some pointers on things that I could do to just help her get back in the game. Well, man, I appreciate your call, dude. I take a lot of courage to call. Appreciate that. And I'm not going to join the chorus of people who will say, who do you think you are, and all guys are interested in blah, blah, because I hear this, this seems to be, and tell me if I'm wrong, this is deeper than she's gained weight, this is deeper than we're not having sex anymore, this is deeper than that stuff. It's, I'm watching the woman. I love watching the light inside of her go out.

Yeah, 100%. And I mean, you know, there's, you know, there's depression there. She's lost her identity. Yeah, I mean, those things, of course, but. Well, those are big things. Tell me about it. It's like, you know, there's those few things, like depression and lost identity. So do you all have kids?

How has she lost her identity? We do have kids. Okay. And, you know, a lot of the conversations I have with her sometimes revolve around. I want us as a team to try to put the best examples forward for our kids. And, you know, it's challenging if sometimes I feel I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Give me some examples. Okay.

So we live kind of in a traditional household. I mean, she's a, you know, ever since we met and started dating and got married, I mean, you know, we've been married for 20 years now. So I love her to death. there's been this sense that okay hey all I want to I would love to be a stay at home mom I want to take care of the kids I want to make dinner and all that stuff and a lot of that stuff is falling off the you know falling off the wayside so I'm the one going shopping I'm the one you know just everyday things and I don't mind doing any of it that's that's not that's not why you know what I'm talking about I'm of course I'm here to help

but I just want her to, you know, I'd like to see her just get up in the morning, have a plan, go somewhere, get ready, even if it's just being social with people, I think that's a big aspect of her life that's kind of missing. Tell me about the depression. Has she been diagnosed with depression? She's been struggling. She's taking some medication for it. I don't know exactly what she's taking.

Okay. or just like, hey, how's the medication going? And, you know, of course, she's going to say, oh, it's working great. But I don't think she's got anybody that she talks to per se. And I've even said, like, hey, look, like, why don't you go talk to somebody? Because my, you know, the way I'm built, and I don't know, you know, I know this is not all guys, of course, but we tend to be fixers. And, hey, you've got a problem.

I can fix a problem. Here's how you're going to fix it. Okay, see you tomorrow, that kind of thing. And I know it's not that easy. Well, the challenge is. is when a fixer, when somebody who is struggling is married to a fixer, is it comes across as a minute by minute, day by day confirmation that the things you feel about yourself are indeed true. Okay.

You are a failure. You're not enough. Or to use the fixing language, you are broken. And here's what you need to do. Sure. And you're right. there's a traditionally male approach to, I'm just going to go hit that guy.

And then after that, we'll be fine. And then we'll buy each other a beer and we'll move on with their day. Right. Or, well, let's just not go to see our family anymore. That's easy. Or let's just never go to that church again because they're terrible. Let's go to this one. And there is a fix it mentality.

And there is some healthy aspects to that, but there's also some not healthy aspects to that. And if a fixer is, constantly coming up with, well, you know what you need to be doing about this and doing about this and doing about this, somebody who is struggling with depression, someone who is trying to figure out after 20 years, who am I? What is my role here? What's my purpose here? It just confirms everything that's self-narrative. Right. So there's a couple of things here that I would challenge you on, okay? I think I've talked about this on the show in the past. I don't

remember or not, but I think it was a couple years ago. I had this revelation, maybe it was last year or the year before that. I had this thing that just popped into my head. I take a retreat with my wife every year and before that I spent some time by myself every year. Just like, what kind of guy were you this year? How did your business go? What kind of dad were you? What kind of husband were you? Are you becoming the guy that you want to become through actions, right? Are you taking the right actions to keep your promises to yourself? So I have that reflection time every year. And for some reason, this particular year, it popped into my head. How much money have you spent on, like, getting trained in mental health stuff? And the number

I came up with was a couple hundred thousand bucks when you figure in the PhD, when you figure in all the trainings, all the books, all the travel, all the conferences, all the, you know, the medical conferences and the mental health, all that stuff. There was a lot of money I'd invested in time. and I was thinking, man, good, man, you're investing. You're like, you're going all in on this deal, right? And then a voice that I've never heard before asked, what are the two most important things in your life? And I gave myself my stock answer,

which is my wife, my family, and my faith, right? That's important to me. And the next question was, how much have you spent time and money on getting to know those things? And if I'm honest, the answer was zero. zero. I go to church and I, I mean, I tithed and so maybe that could be a cost, but not really. And so I did two things from that conversation with myself. Like, oh man, if I'm going to say that follow somebody's calendar and follow their money and you're going to find out who they are,

then I need to put my money where my mouth is. So I hired a theology professor from a university here in town and said, we're going to meet for coffee once a week and I want to do Faith 101. I want to know what I actually believe because I can deconstruct anybody's anything and I can have conversations with everybody. I need to know what I actually believe. I have a young kid, two young kids who are staring across the table at me saying,

Daddy, who are we going to be? And the second thing was, I need to get to know my wife again. And here's what I asked her. She's an old college professor. I'm an old college professor. So I said, hey, will you make me a syllabus of you? She's like, what are you talking about?

And I said, I don't know the podcast you listen to. I don't know the books you read. I don't know the shows that you watch when I'm gone. I don't know what you're wrestling with. I just want to get to know you again. One month went by, two months went by, and then I remember being like, hey, I never got that syllabus from you.

And she's like, yeah, I was hoping you'd forget. And I was like, why? And can I tell you what she said? She said, I'm afraid that you're going to see all this stuff and you're not going to like me anymore. And it was one of those like time stops in my house. Hmm And so

Yeah You know what I'm saying? Yeah I think she's afraid of that Yeah I think she's you know I think she's afraid of it I don't think she didn't have Positive Relationships

Growing up Mom and dad was a little tumultuous You know Even relationships that she had You know during high school I know but listen let's bring it to the present Sure You know how I know she's gonna think that

Because she already thinks you don't like her Because she already thinks that You think she's not enough Right. And so the approach here is not, hey, you know what you could do? You could get on this diet, you can start this workout program, you can go do this, you can go to this, you can join a gym, you can go to the Y, you can go get a job, whatever. That is a series of things that for somebody who's struggling with depression, somebody who's struggling to get out of bed in the morning, here's as, if you want me to like you, go do these 10 things. Right.

And if you're a people-pleaser and a performer, people will hop out of bed and go sing and dance. Or if they're not a people pleaser, if there's somebody who learned really young, I just need to get small and disappear in my own house. That's the safest move for me. Man, getting out of bed's real, real heavy. Yeah, because that's been an issue. You know, it's just, there's a, I'm sure a lot of people do this that are in similar situations. I mean, they're, you know, outside, how people view them outside the home is different than how they view them, you know,

like that person views themselves when they're, you know, where they're within the four wall. Of course. So, you know, obviously everything seems hunky dory on the outside, but, you know, inside, there's this internal battle. And, you know, I know that you're big on, hey, write yourself a letter kind of thing, right? So in an airport, a couple weeks back, I wrote her a letter, and I'm like, I don't know if you called it like word vomiter. I can't remember what it is, but you're like, just write. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to write her a letter.

So I wrote her a letter, and it was, you know, it was probably about five or six pages. And I'm like, hey, just letting you know that you're enough and you're loved and it's okay. And we're in this together and we're going to do this. And let me tell you some stuff that, you know, I want to be up front with you with what I'm feeling. And I'd like you to write me back on what you're feeling. And, you know, this was six weeks ago. And, you know, that next morning I got a little, you know, a little, you know, a little, note that was like folded up piece of paper like you get in middle school when you're passing notes

and says, oh, thank you so much for your letter and, you know, hey, I'm going to write you one, two. And I'm like, that's awesome. That's great. Okay, maybe we're opening up here. And, you know, I asked her, hey, I'm still waiting on my letter. And she goes, oh, my gosh, I like, I totally forgot about that. So I'm like, man, I put a lot of work into that, aren't they? Okay, okay. So if you go right to scorekeeping, then it's less about how do I connect with you. And it's more about, look what I did. Yeah, okay. Scorekeeping's about fear.

Gotcha. Right? It's about, now I'm doing the dishes. Now I'm going to the grocery store. Now I'm doing these things. And what are you doing? And that's never a recipe for intimacy and reconnection. Gotcha, okay.

Intimacy and reconnection comes from, hey, I see you're in the dark. I got a candle here. I'm coming to you. Because if she was trapped in the neighbor's house, you'd kick the door and to go get her. Right. And right now she's trapped inside her own side.

for sure so go get her and what do I mean by that find the book on her nightstand and go buy the exact copy and start reading it in bed next to her if there's a show she's watching then you start watching it with her if there is a hey it would mean a huge deal to me a way you could show me you love me today is we go for a walk with me I want to walk by myself I like walking with you right it's you getting up in the morning and saying how can I love you today I don't know. I don't know. All right, well, I'm going to go make your cup of coffee and bring it to you. Sure.

And it's these small, daily bids, as the Gottman's call it, for, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, and now here's what you need to go do. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Because that's just somebody who's struggling with, someone who's struggling with depression, that's all they're going to hear in a big neon sign is blah, blah, blah, you're not. enough. Do you think it would be healthy for her to go speak to somebody that's, you know, like that can just listen to her? One million percent, yes. Just doing a monthly med management check-in is clearly not, you're watching your wife dissolve in front of you. Clearly,

that's not working, and it's a problem with our current psychiatric system. Get it. And you going and saying, you know what else you need to do? Go see a counselor. That's going to bury her too. sure you going and saying you know what I've decided I'm going to go see a counselor

because I want to be the best husband I can be for you and I feel like I'm struggling to connect what? Yeah dude

I love you so much I'm sick for how much I love you and I want to be the best husband as I can be right

and you're going to go and then you're going to go and you know what that might bury her further but it might turn on a light in the room

a little one yeah because then after the fourth or fifth you could say, hey, would you come with me? Right, right, right. To my session?

That was my next question. Like, should we go together or something like that? You know, which I'm not opposed to. I would invite her to yours. Gotcha. Okay. And then possibly in that session, she could hear in front of a third party,

how much do you love her? That's a good point. And the question here is not, or the answer here is not, here's what you need to do, here's what you need to do, here's what you need to do. the answer is

I missed my wife totally that makes sense that's a good that's a good that's a good thought but if she had the flu you'd bring her soup until she got better right right okay so if she's struggling

from depression we're going to keep reaching and we're going to keep reaching we're going to keep reaching because we made a covenant dude we said in sickness and health till death was part so we're going to keep going yeah and I mean it's you know she's been sick the goal

A couple years back, she was in great shape. You know, she actually lost great. I know, but listen, listen, you got to stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Stop talking about her physical shape. That's not the problem. Sure.

Okay? Stop talking about the things she used to do. You have a person who's sick right in front of you. Yeah. And if you, like, if you keep going back and dragging the past into right now, saying, look what used to. be. That's just a weight she can't carry right now. You can't carry that weight right now. Right. It's a decision to resent the moment you're in. How old are your kids right now?

12 and 17. Okay. So one, she's got a kid about to go. Right. She has another kid about to explode. Right? Already. And so you'll have a brand new marriage. And there's something about saying not, I want you to be like you used to be. I want it to be, it's about saying, okay, we have a new marriage. I want to love you the best way that I can right now. And it might be one week, it might be one day, it might be one month,

it might be six months of you showing up every day saying, how can I love you today? I don't know. Well, here's your favorite cup of coffee, just like you like it. And here's yet another sticky note on the mirror. Here's an invitation for you to come with me on a walk. Here's an invitation to come to my counseling session.

And if you start asking, well, what about me, dude? What about me? Then that's you keeping score with a person who's clearly struggling. And right now, y'all need one of you to step up and say, I'm going to be all in. I'm going to come kicking that door. And in this way, it's not kicking the door. It's gently approaching. And not talking about weight, not talking about you need to,

and not talking about you should have, not talking about you used to, but talking about right now, how can I love you right now? and I'm going to keep showing up. But ask her for a couple of books. Ask her for a couple of movies. Enter into her world for a short season. And maybe none of it works. Maybe it doesn't work at all.

But maybe it does. And what you have been doing isn't working. Period. At the end of that sentence. Let's go rescue your wife, ma'am. Make a call today to a counselor and you start going. Not so you can fix her, but so that you can learn to love this new version

of the woman you married. you're a move brother appreciate the call dude we come back a woman asks how to fix things with her brother after really making him mad it's february and it's dark and cold outside and that means you're probably spending more time in bed so if you're going to be spending more time in bed do it right and with comfort and get yourself a helix mattress i've been sleeping on a helix mattress for a couple of years now, and listen, I track my sleep. I know for certain that my sleep quality and depth has improved since I got my Helix mattress. Helix mattresses are designed for real people with real sleep styles, whether you run hot, toss and turn, or sleep like a rock. Get online and take

their sleep quiz, and they're going to match you with the mattress that fits you. It's simple, takes like two minutes, and it works. I did it. You got to do it. Plus, Helix offers a hundred-night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty. And right now, Helix is giving my audience 27% off site wide. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to Helix-H-E-L-I-X, HelixSleep.com slash Deloni today. That's helix sleep.com slash Deloni. With Helix Better Sleep starts right now.

All right, Little Rock, Arkansas. Let's talk to Holly. What's up, Holly? Hey, how are you? I'm good. What do you say? Well, I just feel very lucky that you're taking my call today, so I'm really looking forward to your advice on this. As you said before your break, I did do something that's kind of, well, definitely upset our family.

It's really more my sister-in-law than my brother, although it's definitely affecting everyone. What'd you do? So I sent some text messages. This was like seven years ago. I sent some text messages that although not very mature. What were they? Basically, when my brother married his now wife, I think they'd been together, I don't remember, seven or eight years. We started, we, I just say like me, my mom, other people that knew him, started noticing some changes in him.

like he wasn't really allowed to come to our church anymore. His wife is very closed off, doesn't hardly talk to anybody, literally has never asked me a question in seven years. Like, how are you? How is your son? Like, ever. And so the messages that I sent were addressing that, but it was in a really immature way. What did you write? I don't, it's been here.

Okay, so here's the thing. It's been so many years that I can't, I honestly can't tell you specifically. I think I said things like I may or may not have said that he drank the Kool-Aid, things like that, that were not very nice. And just calling her, calling out the behavior that she's had towards him and towards the family. So obviously, in retrospect, I handled it poorly. Me and my brother have always been the type that, you know, how some siblings are. you can say things to each other, you can yell and scream, and then you're fine five minutes later.

So I sent those things in anger. And then what happened was she went in his phone and read them, but wouldn't let him tell me. So for a couple of years, I had no idea she had read these sex messages. You take away your brother's agency a lot. Yeah, okay. What do you mean exactly? Has it ever occurred to you that he showed her

that he didn't want to come to Yale's church? No. No. How do you know that? No, no, no, no. I guarantee you that's not the case. He would never, no, no, no, no, no. He would not do that.

You think that he would be married to somebody and somebody would rip on his wife to him and he would choose that person over his spouse? No. I don't think that, nor do I think he should. Yeah, you think he would purposely show her. You're saying two different things. Well, I don't know what good it would have done to have shown her.

Like, even if he was like telling me like, hey, you're wrong. Don't ever talk about my wife again. That's one thing. But to show her, I don't see what good that would have done. Well, to be a person of integrity and not keep secrets in his own marriage. Yeah, I guess so. Or maybe he has said, hey, my, and I'm making stuff up here, right, to be provocative. Yeah.

But I'm just trying to give a different side of the narrative because you've got a story that's so entrenched in your head. Yeah. That somehow you're trying to rescue your brother from this evil person. Yeah. And what I've found over the years is it's never that cut and dry. or that you don't know that he might have told her, hey, dude, don't tell my family anything. It will end up in text threads.

They just run their mouths about people just keep low. And she was like, cool, got it. Yeah. Or I want to go to whatever church we want to go to or not go to church if we don't want to do that. And she's like, oh, thank God, I can't stand that place. Cool. Yeah.

I've been having to go to these Sunday lunches with my family for the last 15 years. If you don't want to, like, cool. I guess what I'm saying is you don't know and so you have one side of a story that you've made up and this thing's gone on for seven years you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think there's some fairness to that because I do think in the beginning

so me and my mom and my brother have always been very close you know, forever and so I think in the beginning there probably was a learning curve for everyone because my brother probably did consult us and let me just say this. I would like to say this, though.

I can guarantee you I've never once overstepped. I've never gone to their home unannounced. I think I've only been to their home three times in the past seven years. So I just don't want it to be paint the picture that when I say that, yes, there was a learning curve. This wasn't like a situation where he calls us every step he makes. We're giving him advice on everything to do because I know some families are very enmesh like that. It was not that. Totally.

But nonetheless, I could see where he probably did go, oh, let me. you know, let me see what my sister's doing or whatever. And that probably was something that needed to change. Well, and I guess I'm also wondering, is it hard for you and or your mom that your beloved brother, this right or die brother you had? And your mom's, is it her only son? Yes. Her only son chose another woman who became number one in his life. Yeah. That's a tough pill to swallow. You know, it is. I agree. and I've had unfortunately plenty of years now to reflect on this, but the truth is when he first met her,

we were very excited because we, it's too long to go into today, but there were some things that had us separated in our earlier years, and so we were very much like, okay, we're going to make up for lost time together, blah, blah, blah. So when she came on the scene and was just cold, indifferent, had, you know, didn't want to interact with anyone. It was very disappointing. It still is very disappointing.

Okay. And I know that's his decision. Yeah, exactly. That could be disappointing. And when he met somebody and he's like, dude, I think I met the girl, you instantly had a picture in your head of what this was going to be like. You were going to get a new sister. Y'all were going to have all these fun adventures together.

It was going to be one big happy family. And she was like, I want our family to be us. Mm-hmm. And instead of grieving me, that picture that you concocted out of thin air, like, I want this to be like this. And she's like, no, the home that we were going to co-create is going to be different than the one your sister imagined and your mom imagined. And he was like, cool, great. Yeah. Instead of grieving that and saying, okay, I still love my brother. He clearly sees something in this woman he wants to create a life with.

And so I have to grieve the fantasy I made up. And then I got to find where I can be a part of this new thing or just decide I don't want to be a part of it at all. But instead, you've kept your picture up on the wall and you keep pointing back to it saying this is the way it should be and she's the problem. And I guess what I'm saying is after seven years, you still don't have a relationship with your brother, which seems to be the thing you miss the most. Well, of course. And I've, and I agree, again, I guess I should have done this in person in retrospect,

although I can almost guarantee it would turn out really poorly. But I have tried three times. I've emailed her three times and basically said, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. I said the things I said. I was angry. I was really more angry with my brother. I'm sorry.

You have every right to be mad. What can I do about this? Do you want to meet in person? Blah, blah, blah. And she will not respond to any of my messages. My brother can't come to holiday meals now. he looks like he's aged 20 years. I mean, it's turned into a horrible big thing.

And I don't know. I realize what I realized the text were wrong. I take 100% accountability for that. I know, but Holly, but listen, this isn't about those text messages. That was seven years ago. Yeah. It's not about, you got to let those go.

You know. Well, I can't because I'm getting beat over the head with them constantly because that's what she says is her reasoning. She won't talk to you. How do you know? I walked by her and talked to her. She literally will not look at me or speak to me. And she does the same thing to my mom who never sent any text messages.

Then let it be known that it's not about the text messages. Yeah. She is going through whatever she's going through. Or let me put it this way. This is kind of a crass way to say it, but you're not the star of her story. Mm-hmm. I do realize that. I think there's something much deeper going on with her.

There might be. There might be. But here's what I'll tell you. You've done the right thing. You reached out to her directly on multiple occasions. You've taken the high road and said, I screwed up. And behaviors of language, she has communicated loud and clear through her silence. I don't want anything to do with you.

Yeah. And so the next thing for you to do with this is to be real sad that you lost your brother. and to grieve the fact that you have a living brother who doesn't want anything to do with you. And he says he's completely torn. He says he hates, he knows that, you know, he thinks she's wrong for not being more forgiving,

but he can't make her do anything that she is not, you know, which is true. Yeah, I agree. He can't make anybody do anything. And he can have a grown-up choice of, um,

uh, this is no way even close. to the same thing, but as a family, we chose not to travel this year. But my son and I ended up going on almost a week-long trip over the holiday break. It wasn't as a rejection of my wife, or my wife wasn't rejecting her family or my family. There was nothing like what y'all are experiencing, but I had a grown-up choice to make saying, hey, I still want to go do these few things. Yeah.

And it was awesome for everybody. And we missed each other. And so your brother does have a grown-up choice to make, which is, I can't make you come to these lunches, I still miss my family, I'm going to go to the lunch. He can do that. He did that for a while. It kind of progressed for them coming to the holidays together

with her sitting on the couch on her phone, literally not making eye contact or speaking. Okay, can we just stop, Holly? Just stop, leave her alone. Yeah. Just leave her alone. It's just like, I don't know how she can respect. him or love him and

seeing what this is doing to him. This isn't, he, my brother very much wants us to be okay, whatever that looks like. I do not expect any to be holding hands and skipping through the tulips or anything at this point, believe me. But it's

really breaking him down and it's hard for me to watch and it's hard for me to watch my mom be completely diss at every turn. But I guess what you're saying is, yeah, that's all good and fine and true, but it is what it is. It's not good and fine, but it is what it is.

Yeah. And so the choice y'all have is do we really cherish the time when we get our, when our brother comes? And we don't sit there in the corner if she shows up on the couch on her phone and side eye and her, be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe she, we are just delighting in our brother. Yeah. And your mom's son? Yeah. I'm very much trying to.

I really don't get that opportunity hardly anymore. He does go by and check on my mom, so she at least... That's amazing. Good. That's amazing. Yeah. I would not be interested in spending time with people who hate my wife. Yeah.

And so I wonder if there's a season in the same way you asked her to forgive you for sending text messages seven years ago. Mm-hmm. What if you wrote her a letter that you will good God never send where you should say, I forgive you? I'm setting you down because you're carrying the cinder block

that is your imagination of her with you everywhere and it's killing you. Yeah. It's not affecting her at all. Set it down. You're right. You're right.

Set it down. Stop carrying her around with you. Your brother chose her and he's continuing to wake up every day and choose her over and over again. And no amount of hate, no amount of side eye, no amount of mad,

no amount of picking apart every action she takes or doesn't take, is changing anything other than it's killing you. Yeah. Set it down. Decide to write your brother a letter once a week, send it OG in the mail with a stamp,

and only tell him some cool stuff that's going on in your life. Yeah. Because what's the alternative? Yeah, apparently there's not. None. None. None. None.

I've been banging the wall for seven years now. Yes. And all you have is a concussion. It's not getting better. It's getting worse. You just have a concussion from it. Stop hitting your head on the wall. And I know you can't fully give advice from his point of view because, you know, you don't know all of their lives and all that.

But I guess there's always this point of me where I hear not only on your show but just in general. And I believe, I truly do believe that obviously your spouse is supposed to be number one. I understand that. I've always understood that. But I also feel like sometimes people use it to their advantage. Like I feel like it's like even if they're having horrible behavior, or whatever, and they come in and they kind of wreck people's families. And I just wondered from my brother's perspective, like, if he can say, hey, I'm going to go have

lunch with them every once in a blue moon or something to that effect. But he goes home and there's hell to pay. What is he? I mean, that's my main concern. He has hell to pay if he doesn't go. Yeah. He can't win. Yeah.

He can't win. And so if he doesn't come, if you'll invite him, and he says, I can't make it, say we love you, we're really going to miss you. Have an awesome weekend. Yeah. And then if you put your phone down and turn it off and sob your eyes up because you miss your brother,

that's the next right move. Because the turmoil in that exchange is inside of you, and you can choose to, we're just not going to invite him anymore. Okay. Or we're going to keep inviting him, and we're going to risk getting told no over and no. over again. And she's welcome too. That's the thing. Like she, if she walked in today and never said she was sorry but just started being halfway civil, I'd be great. Good. Let's move forward.

Okay. That's not going to happen. I mean, I know that's not going to happen. Okay, so, yeah, set her down. Yeah. And I'm confident that your brother knows that if you ever, if you ever knocked on your door in the middle of the night saying, I need a place to stay, he'd be, he'd be welcome. He knows that. Yeah. But you're taking your... I guess it is just grieving because it's just, you know, my son doesn't have an uncle. I don't get to see my niece, but it's just... Yes, all of those things are true. Send pictures of your son in the mail. What you want to establish is not a decade of, I told you so, and I can't believe you, and she's the worst, because nobody wants to engage with that. Yeah. No behavior has ever changed

a long term through complaining and nagging your way to something. Yeah, that's true. What you want is 10 years from today on of I always kept showing up for you. I sent you a letter every week. I sent you a picture of your nephew every other week. And then when your nephew, when your son is 18, and he says, where's uncle so-and-so? You can then say, man, he's struggling. I tried.

And I'm going to be a person of character. I'm not going to get down in the mud and they get mad at everybody that I'm dirty. Yeah. Here's the thing I think all of your anger and frustration it's not even anger.

It's rage. You're mad at this woman. I think all of that is protecting you from how sad you feel that you had this amazing relationship with your brother and he chose some to go a different direction. It's heartbreak.

Yeah. Let yourself be sad. And then go do the next right thing. which might be, you know what? You've been asking for for the better part of a decade. I'm going to stop annoying you. I'm going to stop reaching out. Or I'm not going to lose you.

I want you to know my nephew. My nephew's going to write you letters too. I'm going to send you a letter every other week. Forever. You can do that too. But this is not about the text messages. Stop with that story. The next move is yours.

But I think the next right move for you is a season of just being sad. I miss my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes it can feel like everyone else's love lives are perfect little hallmark movies. But here's the truth. Married, dating, or single, everyone. Everyone is still figuring out how to do life in relationships well.

I've been married for 23 and a half years. Both my wife and I have PhDs, and we're still trying to figure. how to keep our marriage rolling down the track. And both of us have benefited greatly from our times with a good therapist. No matter if you just met someone or if you've been married forever like me, therapy can help you find your way, what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some of the pressure off yourself and build a stronger relationship. Whether for individuals or couples, therapy is an opportunity to identify what's getting in the way and help remove any blockers. And for all of this, I,

I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with the licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. When it comes to love and relationships, everyone is still finding their way. Find yours. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni.

All right, we're back. What's up, Kelly? All right. So over the holidays, I was reading through the comments on our Ask Me Anything that came out on Christmas Eve. Ah, okay. Do people watch that? Yes. No, they didn't. Yes, they did. I don't know that they all watched it on Christmas Eve, but they watched it. And there was an overwhelming, overwhelming question about something you said, and I thought it was worth bringing up here. Oh. Yeah. I don't even know what's coming. No, he doesn't. I haven't told him that I'm doing this, y'all.

So there was confusion, dismay, disbelief, and anger. A lot of anger. Nice. Over your comment that you and Sheila don't know who the other voted for. Oh. Why? So I'll give you the main thing that we heard. Some people just were like, that's just crap.

That's, you know, that's fine. But the people that actually had valid thoughts, the main issue that they felt was, if I can't talk about these kind of things with my spouse, the one person that is supposed to be my safe place, then we're keeping things from each other or we're not being true to who we are, that kind of thing. And I understand that. We've been talking about it here.

So I wanted you to go with, run with that. So, A, we talk about politics all the time in my house, all the time. And I have 99.99.999. 9% sure who my wife voted for and vice versa. Very clear. The reason, and this actually started, it's a good question. I should have been more clear.

It started all the way back when I was working with graduate students. And everyone was always peppering me with, who did you vote for? Who did you not vote for? Why don't you tell us? Are you a coward or whatever? So the way I avoided that conversation was,

I told my wife, I'm not going to ask you who you went and clicked the vote for and you don't ask me. And she was like, okay. so that I could tell my students, I don't even talk, I keep that for me. And I'll also say this inside my house with my marriage, like there's, we talk about everything. So rest assured. My wife has told me I make things very uncomfortable when people come visit.

And I just assume they all talk about everything too. The number of times people have been at my house and I'm like, oh, y'all never had that conversation. Whoops. So we're good in my house. But I've also found this over the last decade especially. When it comes to voting, people care less about, I'm making a broad statement. People care less about I have this set of principles that I'm for and I have this set of things that I'm against and I'm going to lay these things out. People are interested in being on the winning team.

I want my person to have won. And so instead of saying, I don't like this or I don't like this, I want to be on the winning side. I think that shifts a lot of politics talk. And so I won't engage with people who are interested in defining everything I am and all the things I'm not by that one button that I pushed in this room in my little cubicle or whatever. And by the way, I'll also say the last two times I voted, I took my son in with me because I wanted him to see who I was voting for and we talked about why. So it's not like this big, like, but when it comes in the house, it's probably been more than a decade now. It's been longer than that. Jeez, probably 15 years. We just, I don't be like, okay, who'd you push the button for? I'm pretty sure I knew.

I'm pretty sure. And vice versa. But it allows me to, when I'm out in public, when I'm in, like forever, I could say, dude, I don't even tell my wife who I push. that button for. I did tell my adolescent child and so if you want to go he probably wouldn't tell anybody anyway.

So that's the answer that's the true answer to that. Do you go home? You're like, I voted for it. No. And I guess if my wife

asked me, I would tell her. I don't, I just don't have to tell her question. I mean, I have, I mean, I very clearly know where my husband stands

and I'm probably a bit more of an enigma in it than he is. But I think he also knows like that he, you know, 99.99% sure of where I voted.

Yeah. But no, I don't go home and go, I hit this one or checked this one or whatever. So, no, that makes more sense. That's true not a question

that we ask in my house. I guess it's, I get it. I get the confusion. But, yeah, we, but again, in my house, we debate personalities

and we debate principles. We don't try to see which team the other person's on. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think the, the question that our listeners had about it was,

I think they took it as, we don't talk about this at all. Oh, God. We talk about everything in the house. Who we can't stand. People act like idiots. People act like like morons. People aren't telling the truth. We talk about all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we talk about there's, I can't think of a thing in my house that we don't talk about. Probably too much. But that's just a question we don't ask. And it started from self-protection

with my students. But over the years it has been that just is a question that I throw all this other baggage at you if I know what button you pushed with no context. no meaning, no, I felt like I had two bad options. I felt like I had two great options. None of that. It's just a way to divide the world up, and I refuse to give that to people. And one of my favorite things about what we've created here is,

um, nobody knows where we stand. And that to me is the most helpful thing when you show up sitting with a hurting person, which is, um, hey, I'm glad to see you. And none of this other stuff matters. I'm happy that you're here. And so, I don't know.

That's my thing. But yeah, no, we talk about everything in our house. But we don't ask that question. Love you guys. Bye.