The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Is Not Respectable (He Just Plays Video Games)

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A wife having difficulty respecting her husband ·      A woman wondering how to regain self-confidence after being called fat ·      A single mother struggling to cope with feelings of loneliness Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation    Connect With Our Sponsors: ·      Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·      Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ·      Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ·      Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  ·      Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  ·      Explore Poncho Outdoors! ·      Get 25% off your order at Thorne.      Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

struggling with my marriage kind of your typical i'm struggling to feel loved he doesn't feel respected and i'm going to ask this in in a rude way are you lovable i think so i like myself okay is he respectable uh that's why i'm struggling What up? What up, what up, what up, what up. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So glad that you're with us talking about your mental, emotional health, and your marriages and relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I've had way, way, way too much coffee today. So I'm talking too fast. So if you're thinking what is happening to my listening device, it's me. It's not your device. You may want to back it down to 1.5, 1.25, so we can have a regular conversation today. All right. Hey, if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3-3-2-91 or go to John Deloney.com slash ask-a-S-K.

Let's roll out to the surface of the sun and talk to Lauren in Phoenix, Arizona. Hey, Lauren, what's up? Well, you are correct, Dr. John. It is the surface of the sun out here. It is hot. I am excited to be talking to you today. I am more excited to be talking to you. So what's up?

Well, kind of struggling with my marriage, kind of your typical, you know, I'm struggling to feel loved. He doesn't feel respected, like, you know, kind of stuff. And so my question is, is... Can I ask you a question at the very beginning? I've always wanted to do this. Sure. are um and i'm going to ask this in really like uh um uh in a rude way okay go ahead um are you lovable

um i i think so i like myself i worked pretty hard to be someone i like is he respectable uh that's why i'm struggling ta-da all right so why is he um not respectable um so just hey you already called so just cannonball sister just just jump off the top i know i know um so he he's to be fair he struggles with depression and anxiety and some emotional disorders um does he go does he do the hard work to go to go work on those things not not he says he's working on them but like not really like i don't see that hard work that I would expect.

Okay. I'm trying to get him to go see somebody for therapy and work on some of this stuff. But it's hard to get somebody to go to therapy who doesn't want to go. Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Yeah, unfortunately. So give me some examples of, let's take the diagnostics and put them aside. Has he been clinically diagnosed before? Yes, he is clinically diagnosed.

Okay. And he just doesn't want to do any of the work to head into the light? Well, I don't know. That's what's so confusing sometimes is he says he does. Behavior's a language. What's he doing? I know you say that all the time. But he also has ADHD. I do too. It doesn't matter. I see a lot. I do a lot of work. Doesn't matter. That's part of the struggle. I struggle with clinical anxiety. I struggle with clinical OCD. And I'm not better than anybody. but I do at least value myself and my family enough to do the work. Yeah, and that's kind of my struggle.

I'm like, I know it's hard for you to focus. It's hard for you to remember, you know, but like these things need done. And then he'll just like forget. Like that's a really big thing is he's always forgetting about like everything. And so I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for the kids and the house, the responsibilities and all that. And so trying to get him to help me is a Herculean task. When someone struggles mightily with ADHD, we don't do a very good job of talking about the other side of that coin.

What is the one or two things that he lasers in on and can focus in an unfathomable way? Yeah, he does do that. So he hyper focuses on like woodworking or gardening. So for some reason, woodworking and gardening have become priority over wife-house kids. 100%. And so it's not a matter. I don't want everything to get rolled off and blamed on diagnostics. It wasn't until my wife told me, I feel less loved when you are late all the time, that I finally got it.

Okay. Right? I have said things like that. No, no, I know you have. I want you to point out it's not the diagnostic. That's the problem here. Fair. That diagnostic is just the way a body responds to chaos.

It's the way a body responds to stress. So underneath all of that, I have to do the things to have less chaotic and less stressful life. Those are choices I make. And they're hard. Yeah. But you're worth that. Your kids are worth that. And that's why I'm having such a hard time is, like, I want to, I want to improve my marriage.

I don't want him to feel like I don't respect him. And so I'm like, how do I show him respect when I'm struggling to find things that are respect worthy? You can't. You can't make the sky purple, just blue. And marriage, unfortunately, has to be built with two people. And he is looking at you saying, I'm not interested in building something. new. I'm interested in my tomatoes and my peppers. You've been working a long time on this, haven't you?

Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, really long. What is your or what moment? Sorry, what do you mean? Can you explain a little more? Yeah. Like, you have to change. change or what? Here's a good example in my house. It doesn't have to be divorce.

One morning I wandered out to go to church and I was like 15 minutes late. My wife was gone. She drove herself. And I was pretty embarrassed. But her or what moment was, I'm not going to be late anymore because when I walk into an auditorium of people, I feel like everybody's looking at me. I feel uncomfortable. And I've told you that I feel less than when we show up places late.

So I'm just going to go. I can bother you about it. I'm going to make peace with my reality. I'm going to choose reality in my life. I'm choosing reality as my husband would rather get a workout in and sit there and eat breakfast and read his phone and read a book and whatever else. More than make sure that his wife feels safe. she drove herself

and then I had a choice to me that's kind of where like I'm at and I have I voiced that to him where I'm like you know here's what I need here's what's got to happen and he has looked at you with his actions and said I don't care

so now the move it's your chest move what's your move I don't know Well, if you're going to stay in the marriage Then you have to decide Then I've got to come up with a system for managing the house And I've got to come up with a system for managing these kids

I see you're just choosing reality And what if my systems to manage it all make him upset then he gets to make a grown-up choice you can participate or you're welcome to leave we have an obsession with fidelity being about intercourse with other people fidelity is way bigger than that fidelity is like

you can cheat on your on your spouse with work or the golf course or with alcohol or with fish I mean you could cheat on your spouse with I am going to just simply be a leach on this relationship a parasite

it will be all about me and when anything in my little ecosystem gets disrupted I'm going to cause a scene that's not being a person of fidelity and so and your husband's

cashed out. And then how dare you blame you for having to make new systems to keep the house afloat? And for whatever it's worth, I remember I'll remember till the day I die a conversation in my backyard with my wife in central Texas

when I said, I feel like you have built an entire life that doesn't include me and her response was John I had to you're too anxious you're not doing anything about it everything is chaotic

everything is spun up you don't sleep you wander around the neighborhood you wonder on the house and she was right and that started a slow painful journey back into why am

um why is my body responding like this I'm throwing a lot at you talk to me um well a lot of what you said is like some similar conversations

that uh my husband and I have had where you know he's like he just doesn't feel a part of our family and I'm like you know I want you to be like And I'll invite him to, like, come be with me and the kids and come do things with me and the kids. But he doesn't necessarily want to or, you know, he just wants to have the option to not necessarily come. He doesn't want to be expected to be there. Yeah, that's cowardice, yeah.

That's cowardice. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I, well, that's part of the problem is, as I want to respect my husband. Like, I really do. Like, I've always, I want that, obviously. But it's just like he keeps doing behaviors that are like, how do I respect that? Yeah.

So the last ditch, if I were you, I would hand him a, here's what respect looks like for me. Give him a map. And that might feel elementary, but here's where we are. In counseling, we call it the one up and the one down position. You can lead a house from the one. one-up position that's usually not always there i know women who are like this but it's often men who beat their chest and yell and scream to get their way that's the one-up and they kind of just bully their way through the world but you can also bully your way through the world from the

one-down position you may have people in your life that's like oh well okay well i guess i just won't eat then then y'all just go ahead i'll do you know what i'll just stay here since there's no room in the car and you're like shut up right that is i'm gonna get what i want i'm just going to going to kind of just be drippy about it. Yeah. Both of those are bully tactics to get what you want without having to co-operate and co-manage and be vulnerable and love and create something with somebody else. It's a selfish way of living.

Somebody who wants to be invited so they can tell you I don't want to go. Good God, dude. Yeah. Yeah. and also maybe maybe we've just are surfacing a generation of men who are having kids and are finding themselves 10 years in they had no model growing up and they think respect is about feelings not about action so cool here's a map here's what respect looks like a guy that gets up and goes for a walk guy who gets up and exercises a guy who gets up and makes the bed respect looks like a guy who's got a full-time job respect is a guy who if you hurt your back if you have ankle injuries or you have anxiety and ADHD and depression

you go do what you need to do to become well and whole that's the job and by the way respect isn't like David Goggins like crush it and kill yesterday I hurt myself I hurt myself lifting hurt my back and my wife said this morning please do all of us a favor and don't go in there and try to. And I said, I know, I got it.

Because respect looks like actually backing off my workout today. I worked out less, right? You see what I'm saying? But it's about doing the thing that's going to keep you whole. Right. Respect looks like, I need your help with the kids. Respect looks like on Monday nights, we eat at home. On Tuesday nights, we go out.

I'm just going to be clear for a little while. Here's what you got to be willing to ready for. He might look at you and just say, no, am I not doing any of this. yeah yeah and uh it'll it'll probably make him feel really bad to do that but i think i think that's a good idea i think i think he's his whole life is his being led around the nose by his feelings yeah and his feelings aren't telling him the truth and his little feelings are about to cost him everything he can say what he wants but he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a got to act and by the way that applies to you too you can sit there and have conversation after

conversation about i'm not going to and i'm not going to but your behavior is a language too and what you keep telling him is yeah actually i am i'm gonna i'm gonna talk a big game but i'm not gonna actually do anything different and your behavior is a language too and by the way in all of this and i know you know this i don't want to kick you while you're down but your kids are just absorbing that's what men look like that's what husbands look like this is what marriage just looks like. And they deserve a different picture also.

But I'd give him a roadmap, I'd give him some really clear in writing. Here's what respect looks like. Your move, chief. Just be prepared for him to make a move that doesn't really serve anybody. But we'll keep our fingers crossed. Maybe he'll step up. We'll be right back.

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and take control of your digital privacy with DeleteMe. Go to join DeleteMe.com slash Deloney today for 20% off your annual plan. That comes out to less than $9 a month. That's join deleteme.com slash Deloney. Let's go out to Philadelphia, where we were born and raised playgrounds where Kelly spent most of her days. You're not a basketball player, though, are you? That was a funny joke. I was just being funny.

No, I'm not. No. I did just like to go to the playground when I was little. You know. Thanks, Philly. You got one little fight and your mom got mad. Yeah. Sit me to live with my uncle in Bel Air, which I don't have.

Let's go to Emily. What's up, Emily? Hey, how's it going? Happy to be here. We're doing great. Thanks for calling in. So what's going on in your world? Yeah.

So thanks again. So, yeah, I've just been processing this what happened to me like a couple months ago. And for some reason, it's just on my mind. So I hope you guys can, like, hear me out and give me some thoughtful advice. But basically, like, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with some hurtful comments from my boyfriend's inner circle as it pertains to, like, my self-confidence and self-image. And how do I move past that? Yeah, what happened? Yeah, so I can just provide some context.

So we've been going together pretty quickly. So, like, we got together three years ago, and we're living together now and everything up until this point has been really great. But, um... That is so not quickly, Emily. That's forever. No? Really? Three years?

Yeah, it feels like it's been so quick. What's he waiting for? Trust me. I don't even know. And I think this situation might have something to do that I'm not really sure. Ah, okay. Yeah, I'm not really sure. So, like, um, he had this, like, really tight inner circle before we started moving in together.

And then once we moved in, they kind of just, like, dropped off. They don't really come by as much anymore. And I have asked him about it just because it has obviously been on my mind, hey, why aren't your friends come by? Like, your family doesn't come by that much, et cetera. And I had to really grill it out of him, but he said that they made jokes about how I look and basically, like, my parents, and I think it made him uncomfortable. And so that's drawn, like, a wedge between their relationship.

And so some of this stuff that they said, I mean, they come from, like, his father and his friend he's had for like 13 years and it's all about my weight like the first thing his dad said and this is what stuck to me was um when i guess my partner showed him pictures of me was like oh i didn't know you were into fat girls and then his yeah and then his friend would say stuff like um she definitely got an extra pushing for the cushion like i didn't realize this was a type of person you're into um and he's been like withholding that information like i literally had to pry it out of him because up until this point like no one has come by and I think he's just trying to like protect himself and protect me but um can I reframe this for you yeah um I don't

I don't think that every idiotic thing that his dad says or every idiotic thing that his buddies say um needs to just be on a pipeline right to you yeah I do like that that he drew some pretty firm boundaries and said, I choose her. And if y'all are going to be disrespectful, then y'all are out. Yeah. And so I want you to reframe this. I get that, man, that changes everything for you. Yeah.

And, but I want you to, let me say it this way. The perfect world that you wanted, which is he's going to keep his inner circle of friends. I'm going to become, we're going to be one big happy friend family. and then I'm going to be really close to his parents and it's going to be this beautiful picture. That picture's over.

But I want you to see the other side of it, which is he chose you. He chose you. I feel like really bad though and like really guilty. Like I've been extra, like it... Why would you take that on? He hasn't put that on you. You went into his backpack.

There was nothing in there. So you went in the backyard and you put bricks in your own backpack. Why would you do that? Yeah. well those guys suck they're not good men yeah they disparaged him in front of his face they disparaged the woman that he is probably going to spend the rest of his life with and he said i'm out do i have a reason to like question who he was when i wasn't in the picture or should i just

say this is like a sign of a good man you can say whatever you want i know i'm a radically different guy than i was yeah and i know i think i've told us on the show But I had a list that I made when I was 18 years old at the very wrongheaded advice of a mentor. And it was the 10 things that would be non-negotiables for the person I spend the rest of my life with. I'm coming on 26 years with the same person, including marriage and dating. She had two of the 10. And one of them was be a pretty woman. like she had one

one characteristic yeah right and so um no I mean I would hope he would change I would hope that he has a really like firm belief about this

a political thing and then he meets somebody who shows him a different side a different way to interpret different way to see something and he changes his mind and so maybe he was a knuckleheaded man and said beauty is only in this category only looks like this and then he met somebody else and he was like oh my gosh

I was wrong beauty is way different than I had pegged it maybe I told him I wasn't like upset about because I know he felt awkward to say it yeah and I was like oh I'm not upset I'm not triggered like it's their opinion it doesn't matter but like internally right like it's like I've worked so hard to get past these thoughts of feeling like oh i'm not worthy because of my size and and it's just like those comments brought me right back to where i started and i don't want to let him you know like i don't want to let him know that i'm like upset but it's like it's they're ruminating in my head you know so flip it around you when you you're frustrated to him for quote unquote keeping this from from you a little bit but i know but you're doing the same thing back to him don't do that okay

because here's the deal he can feel your attention yeah he can feel you look over his shoulder to see who's texting to see if it's his dad

or if it's this other long-term buddy of his yeah he can feel you when you're like hey what he's doing this weekend he's like no I'm just going to hang out with you

and you're like yeah he can feel it and you know what he's going to do he's going to blame himself yeah don't do that and it's like

I don't know if they know that I know so it's like when I see them there's this like unspoken and tension, you know, and I don't know how to get past that either. You go right through it.

You go right through it. I don't bring it up that I know. Do what? I don't bring it up that I know. I just try to stay strong and not let it guess me. Why? That's a facade. It got to you.

Yeah. Don't be a person who lacks integrity. And integrity, the root is integer. It means whole. Don't become part of yourself around other people. Mm-hmm. Right? and maybe that

and for some people like for me that's making a joke I had bad acne in high school and so I would make a joke when I hear people were making fun of me where were you last night I was like well my

my zits were too crazy and they would kind of go oh gosh right that's the way I would handle it some people say I just don't want to be around you some people say probably it was their weird

awkward way of trying to connect with him and say something funny that was kind of mean but kind of funny and it didn't work yeah you know what I mean like like I remember a buddy of mine got like a really really nice car and several of us stood out around the car and we just were like man I I never what about that car that's embarrassing for you but good good for you man like and it was just it was us being awkward and us being trying to be funny and it wasn't you know I mean and I know a human's not a car and I know I know the

the sensitivities and the joke. I get that. Yeah, I have like, I'm overthinking too because now it's like as soon as he said that like, maybe this is just me ruminating, but like the picture is on the social media, like he doesn't post them anymore. Like it's,

I feel like I'm not crazy, but I feel like something changed and I don't know what it is. Like, it's like since they said that, it's like I feel like he might not be like, wanting to show me off. I feel like those comments maybe also be getting to him. And I'm trying to avoid that. Like, really, I'm trying not to, you know.

And I'm going to tell you avoidance is going to melt this relationship from the inside out. But what do I, like, I don't know if I, like, bring it up and say, hey, these actually do bother me. I'm still thinking about it. Like, a couple weeks later, it's not going away. Yes. Yes. You sit down with him and say, hey, you know, I love you. You know, you're my guy.

And I've been keeping a secret from you. and all of this conversation you use the word i because just on its merits i think what he did was pretty pretty dang noble he picked you yeah and i think you saying for some reason i feel have guilt in my soul that you don't have these relationships anymore or they've gotten real thin and you chose me and i'm really grateful that you chose me but that was your guy that was your dad and i i spun back out but here's the thing can i ask you a real hard question that's going to get me a lot of mean stuff on the internet yeah no um not really no no can i ask you a question yeah what is it about what they said that has hit home with you take him out of the

picture have you wrestled with your weight your whole life my whole life. Okay. Because a lot of times the thing that we're the most self-conscious of, the thing that we've gone to war with our whole life, we wear a pair of glasses. And that's all we see in the world. And that's all we go looking for. So when somebody makes one comment, one joke, we were waiting for it because it justifies our belief in our self. Yeah. Like the unworthiness. That's right. And so you don't believe you're worthy of even being in this relationship, of having a guy that's going to dedicate three years to you, of being married to anybody. Yeah. And so you go through every second of every minute of every day looking for somebody to say a thing. It justifies the way you feel about yourself.

Yeah, I think that's spot on. How do I stop that? You have to decide, because you're looking for external validation. Okay. you're looking for external critique, you have to decide from the inside out. And can I tell you something that is very not PC and very not cool to say? Yeah. You have to get to the bottom of why you don't love yourself. And you have to get to the bottom of if your weight is something, your health is something you want to deal with,

why has it been so hard to deal with? Like this just brings me back to like my mom, like, would criticize me and think you don't need to eat that. that's right yeah and so you have here's the way i heard the great terrier reel um give some wisdom to a client one time and i'll pass it along to you you have a you have a picture of your mom yeah okay when you take a small picture of your mom want you to print it out or put it right through on your phone and every time um you're about to go out with your boyfriend and you're standing in front of the mirror and you just want to disappear because you don't like how you look. I want you to pull that picture out and I want you to look at it and I want you to

talk directly to your mom. I don't want you to say, hey mom, I'm about to have less fun with a man who says he loves me because I'm going to choose to believe you and the hate you spewed my whole childhood over him. Thanks, Mom. I choose you today. And you're going to feel ridiculous when you do that. But at some point, you're going to have to say, out loud, what mom said to me and did was wrong and it hurt, and I refuse to carry that into future relationships. That's going to be, that's really hard. I know it is, because it protects you.

It protects you. That anger and that rage and those pair of glasses, who's about to hurt me, who's about to hurt me? Because the one woman that was supposed to love all of you didn't. And by the way, she probably was trying. She just did it the wrong way. Mm-hmm. How old are you? I'm 30.

Hey. Too old for this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This stuff, I've talked to 70-year-olds who are still struggling with body dysmorphia. It's not. Oh, my God. But listen. It doesn't go away.

It doesn't know. You've got to go through it, sister. But listen to me. Um, in the late 90s, like, skinny was healthy. That was the, that was what everyone was told. yeah and the only way to be seen as loved back in the late 90s was to be thin that's what we were all told and so in a weird awkward not healthy way your mom probably tried yeah and she hurt you maybe she was evil maybe i don't know but all i'm telling you now is at 30

still carrying all this around still letting her to speak into your life still letting some one of your boyfriend's old bros speak into the woman who's looking in the mirror I was going to tell you man set that crap down they don't get a vote

yeah and if you are not happy with your aesthetic if you underneath the aesthetic are not happy with your health if you truly have challenges with your weight

then I want you to say I am worth getting to the bottom of these challenges and not just scroll on Instagram and not just find an online diet but actually get some help and care both of those things are true yeah

you're so right and it's crazy because I do feel like I have grown a lot since you know my childhood being bullied and stuff but like those comments just brought me right back to where I started now That's exactly right.

Does that ever stop? When you decide. And here's what's crazy. Okay, I'm going to give you a scenario that's way outside of what's happening here just so you can experience it, okay? The worst thing that can happen to a parent in the world is for a parent to lose a child, right? It's not the way it's supposed to be. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around.

a very common thing that happens is especially in a well in any situation is what i call a lightning bolt will pop into the mind of a parent after the funeral of their child in a casket of their child in a funeral home and that's their body's way of trying to keep the parents safe moving forward to remember the worst thing that ever happened so that we can all stay safe. It's built into us. But when that lightning bolt comes into a parent's head, when that picture snaps into their head,

they are faced with an instantaneous choice. Do I want to meditate on the worst moment of my life? Or do I want to immediately say, nope, and switch to a photo in my head, a movie that's going to play in my mind that I have ready to rock and roll of my kid driving his big wheel around and us laughing

or like the other night when my daughter was trying to figure out how high she could pull my eyelids up and we were laughing so hard I couldn't breathe I get to pick which one of those which one of those things I meditate on and so you

are you overweight like not really but kind of like my BMI is but like I lift Like, I'm a wait list. Yeah, my BMI's all jacked up, too. And I'm just got, the guy had to turn the stress test off on me the other day. He's like, you just got the highest stress test in my office ever.

Now, my doctor worked mostly with geriatrics. I got cheated. But, you know what I mean? So here's the deal. You know the truth. Yeah. But as Bray Brown says, if you go looking for places in the world where you don't belong, 100% you're going to find him.

Oh, my God. Okay. So I'm going to ask you, turn the radar off. Turn it off. it's not serving you anymore and when somebody makes a comment when you feel like this shirt's too big I mean too small

I don't look good in these shorts anymore I just saw my boyfriend and he saw me in short shorts and he glanced away real fast it must be because fill in the blank whatever story you're gonna make up you have a choice in that moment okay am I gonna meditate on

I've always been gross I look at this look at my butt look at my cellulite look i'm just trying to come up with the most egregious stuff right i'm gonna just go down that rabbit hole or i'm gonna instantly insert that photo in my mind the first time i turned a corner and i caught him looking at me and he couldn't breathe and you know you've had those moments too right i yeah you get to pick what you meditate on okay okay and if somebody says something that is crude and disgusting and disturbing and he just blows by it, that's probably not the guy for you.

Yeah. If a man is willing to cut ties with a 13-year friendship because you're not going to talk about my future wife that way, that's a guy I'm probably going to consider building a house with. Really? Yes. So his response was good. It's just not nice comments all around that I just met.

meditating on. I think you're looking for a reason to end this relationship because you want to be justified in your discomfort and the vulnerability of moving forward and making a relationship with somebody that you can't believe loves you more than you love yourself. Right. That's exactly it. You're getting me to cry. Then stop.

That's exactly it. It's like I don't feel like I deserve someone like that. Okay. I think you do. You a good person, Emily? I think so. Nope. Are you a good person?

Yeah, yeah. I care a lot about things. I care really deeply. You treat people well? Yeah. Do you tip well? Oh, yeah, I was a server my whole life. There you go.

Whenever you're walking out of your office building and you see the custodian, are you kind to them? Oh my gosh, yeah. Okay. You treat your boyfriend really well? Yeah, he's like my best friend. Well, that's just weird. But do you love him?

yeah yeah okay do you love well i think so i mean sometimes i fight but well we all do i want you to honor emily as much as you honor the custodian as you walk out the building and i want you to love emily as much as you love the people that work for you in your office building okay and this means you're going to have to start a new relationship with emily that is based not on the stories we're told as kids start to become our experiences and over time they become the stories

we tell ourselves we just tell them in our own voice so mom says hey honey quit eating that hey honey go change that shirt it's too tight you want that boy to think you're cute right yeah yeah yeah yeah that becomes the voice that you tell yourself the stories in okay and here that's and that sucks

but here's what's awesome about it. You get to tell yourself new stories if you want to. Okay. And it's scary. Yeah. Can I ask you a real honest question? Yeah. Are you beautiful?

No, I don't think so. I think sometimes, like... Emily, do you think you're beautiful? Yeah, I'll say yeah. Well, don't say it just for me. Does he think you're beautiful? Yeah. Okay.

But I don't think myself, like, I don't feel that way about myself. Like, there's a lot, I feel like I could be doing better. Okay. I want you to explore that and probably need to go talk to somebody. And for whatever it's worth, I've struggled with body image my entire life and I talk to a couple different people right now. Okay. It's tough.

It'll haunt you. But I want you to care for Emily as much as you care for. for everybody else because at the end of the day you can't get what you don't have and your cup's pretty empty and you're just running around your life exhausted looking for reasons

why the cup is empty and they can't fill it up from the outside it will never get filled up from the outside and in a weird way it shouldn't be able to be drained from the outside either I want you to write 35-year-old Emilio letter tonight

All by yourself. I want you to start the letter with, Dear Beautiful. Here's the things I started to do when I was 30, the work I started to do to fall in love with Emily for the first time. So that we could give and accept an anchor into love that was bigger than us. If you don't hear anything else, Emily, you're worth being loved, you're worth being loved really, really well. And don't keep secrets.

Sit down with your boyfriend. Tell them that you're hurting. Tell them that the whole thing feels weird. And then believe him if he says, hey, I chose you. Because I want you to choose you to. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. Hey, what up?

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overwhelming loneliness as a single mom of two to be more present and engaged as a parent. Look, tell me about it. That's so hard, it's so hard, my goodness, so hard. Tell me about it. It's really hard. Sorry. No, don't be sorry. Tell me about it.

I felt really bad for even saying that because my kids are my world, but I'm so lonely all the time. And I was so overwhelmed with just the noise and the chaos of two kids who are eight and under. And I've tried breathing. I've tried meditating. I work out every day. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of on a loss. Those are band-aids over bullet holes, right?

Yeah. So tell me about this lonely. When did dad leave? my dad died three years ago but he was pretty bad with alcohol as a kid and I went through a lot of stuff with him

and I didn't really get an apology or anything like that and he was a good guy outside of that but it really affected me and my family doesn't allow me to speak that they're like no he's a good guy like you just brush over it

And, yeah, I don't know. What about your kid's father? That was a really bad situation. Tell me about it. After my dad died, he got worse. He didn't hit me, but he did other things. And it got to the point where I was sleeping with my pistol next to my bed and a knife under my pillow because I didn't know what was going to happen.

Okay. And all anybody could tell me was You have to keep it together for the kids You have to make it work You have to figure it out And then when I did decide I was going to leave It was pretty much on me to figure out Where I was going, what I was doing

How I was going to do it Where's mom She's around But not really She's a theater director, right? She manages the image. More like a dictator. Yeah, she manages all of the appearance of everything.

Yeah. All right, so I want to... Go ahead. Instead of being like the helpful person I need, she's always criticizing. Like even now, it's just criticism. You could be doing this. You could be doing that. Okay.

Do you have any girlfriends? Do you have any friends? I have one pretty good friend. She knows a lot about what's going on in my life. And I try not to stress her out because she's got a lot going on in her life too. But sometimes we'll get together and just swap stories. So there's only one way forward for you and it's not going to be pleasant. okay and here's why it's not going to be pleasant

because you've been burned at every single stage of your life yeah it's really hard for me to trust people I know you've been lonely your whole life and lonely is not just this existential thing you think about loneliness is in your in your nervous

system your body has known it's on its own for your entire life. And how that plays out is you have a friend who would probably love more than anything in the world, especially as she's going through her challenges, have a purpose and to be able to give somebody else some peace,

and you won't even let her do that because you think you're a burden. Yeah. And so when I tell you what comes next, for you is going to be really uncomfortable it's going to be because you have to say out loud to other people i need help and i want you to come over and have nachos with me okay and i know that sentiment has got you hurt in the past and i don't want you to have any relationship with anybody who told you to stay with a man that you had to have weapons on you so you could sleep at night

those people have opted out of your life they're insane okay okay for whoever these people were they preferred to keep their picture stable over you're you being safe there's a period at the end of that sentence okay but loneliness can't be fair i didn't explain like the severity of everything because that wasn't really allowed to. It was, it's your marriage between you and him, figure it out. I know, I know. And that's part of the other problem. I know.

And you also grew up in a home where if you actually spoke your needs, that allowed it cost you something, right? Yeah, it costs me a lot all the time. That's right. So loneliness is healed not by being surrounded by people. I have been dreadfully lonely in a crowded room before. Yeah. I've been lonely surrounded by my kids before.

You're not crazy, okay, Kaylee. You're a good mom. Okay. Thank you. And by the way, their job isn't to prop you up. They can't be your whole world. You know why? They can't carry that.

It's too heavy. They're kids. Yeah. And I try to not put it on them. I know you do. I really do. I know, I know. But you can't try to not put it on them.

You have to intentionally take it off, meaning... Okay. The greatest thing you can do for your kids is have Monday nights where your friend comes over and y'all bring whatever crap's left in your fridge and you all eat it together. And the kids know, moms haven't grown up time.

Y'all are on your own. Go play. That is a great gift to your kids because they get to exhale because they're not responsible for mom's joy and happiness. Another adult's picking that up. Yeah. And then they feel your shoulders drop and finally it gives them permission to drop their shoulders.

And that's how family trees are changed. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to change everything. I know, but you're trying to change everything at this big, huge, you're trying to, you're trying to change your family tree at the fruit and leaf level. I want you to change it at the roots. And it's way less complicated. It's nutrients and water. Okay. Do you go to church?

That's another shaky subject for me. Okay. Part of how it was done, like how everything was handled was because of the religion. So I have a love-hate thing for it. Have a love-hate with that particular group of people. Okay. Go find another box where you can go and people will wrap their arms around. you because that exists too it's both and there's some very sick sick churches and there's some

pretty extraordinary churches both are true same as there's good doctors same as i've learned the hard way there's good tattoo artist and really bad tattoo artist right i've learned that too there you go it's both end but that's a good way to have a built-in group of people and if you go back to the Bible they're supposed to be hospitals or not supposed to be beauty contest yeah but I want you to have your friend and I want you to say

hey for the next six months we're going to meet you're coming over every week or I'm coming over your house every week and it's not to commiserate it's just to be with that's it yeah and it's going to feel like you're quote unquote not doing anything

but you're letting your nervous system rest for the first time in 30 years. Yeah. And I'm always in fight or flight. I know. My siblings think it's hilarious and they mess with me all the time and it's to the point where like I will literally knock someone out if it has anything to do with

my kids and they think it's so funny. They tell me, calm down. Just relax. I'm like, you don't understand the depth of this. I will do insane things for my kids. It's not funny. It's not a joke. And I try to explain it, but they just, they don't get it.

well make a choice to not do insane things too yeah because that's exhausting it is exhausting yeah so here's your homework assignment okay I want you to invite your friend over but you have to leave out something intentionally like a like a basket of laundry some dishes in the sink you can't turn friendship into a performance you've been performing for loved ones your whole life. That's over. Because your body knows it's not connection. Your body knows it's a show.

It's a job interview. We're done with that. And I want you to tell your friend to bring over whatever half-drunk bottle of wine or two-liter bottle of Sprite or whatever meal they've got left over and bring it over. We're going to cook it up. We're just going to hang. And then when she comes over, I want you to say, I need this every week

and by the way I have text messages in my phone from really successful men that say I need this every Friday for breakfast every Saturday morning for whatever and I say

I'm in because I need it to okay but you have to I can do that Here's the key to solving loneliness, looking at another person or a group of people and saying, this is all of me, do you still love me? That's really scary.

I know it is, because it's got you burned in the past. Yeah. That's the answer. Are you in? I'm in. Okay. The greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated well mom. Yeah.

and that means you're going to not go to every single thing all the time and that means you're going to have your every Monday night thing and they may not get to go to a like a play date or a friend thing or a school thing because this is my Monday night thing and they're going to go are you kidding me mom you're the worst you always do this every Monday and you're going to go yep because it's important to me and what you're going to give them over the course of their rest of their childhood and you got a decade with the older one left that's a long time yeah what you're going to give them is an innate understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them

that they weren't responsible for mom's happiness and thus responsible for her sadness they didn't have the burden of having to choose what do you guys want to eat for dinner tonight they didn't have to choose what do y'all want to do tonight and they get to exhale because that's so much for a kid to carry yeah is that fair that's fair you're worth having friends Kaylee

thank you and those little kids are worth their mama having some great great girlfriends yeah I'm trying to earn that with them No, you don't need to earn it. You're their mom. You just get it. Okay.

Stop trying to earn the closest people's love. You've been trying to earn it your whole life. And you found out from your dad, you can never get it. No. If you got to earn it for mom and dad, you're never going to get it. They're going to move the finish line on you every time. Then they're going to die. Yeah, and I don't want to do that to them.

There you go. I ain't earning nothing from you. I'm your mom. I love you. you and you love me yeah right right go make friends go first go be awkward invite people over and they're going to say no and you're going to have that whole shame stop cycle spin up again exhale and then get on the phone and call somebody else text somebody else be weird go first have them over okay okay I'll do that at my college

classes we'll try to find some older kids that go to school hang out my mom used my mom went back to school she had started hanging out with younger kids it was hilarious it's so awkward it's so awkward but you know what they really need they need the wisdom and experience not of tic-tok but of a woman who's been to hell and back yeah that's true together y'all can exhale a little bit together be awesome Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's weird. And yes, it's as necessary as breathing. You got to have other people. Thank you so much for the call. And thanks for making a choice like to take one tiny little step in the direction of healing and being well. It's amazing. Pretty cool. We'll be right

back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy these days. And I often hear folks tell me privately, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life. This is super important. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past and to help me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up as a husband, as a dad, as a community member. And honestly, many of you should try therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is 100% online so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, welcome back, Kelly. I caught you putting on your lipstick before the camera came on. You look great. Beautiful. What's up? We have a cool crap that happened. What happened?

All right, this is from Stephanie. She said, I wanted to send you a quick note of thanks. you said something on one of your shows that opened up a conversation between my partner and I that changed everything. How do I want my home to feel when I come home?

That inspired a conversation between he and I where I was really honest, emotional and it was kind of profound. It lifted a weight off my shoulders that I now realized I had been caring for a very, very long time.

Thank you. I'm very grateful for that insight. Very cool. And I'm grateful that she had the courage to sit down and have that conversation. That's a scary one. That's a scary one. Good on her.

Kelly, what do you want this show work environment to feel like? We don't have time. What do you mean? All right, that's enough of you. Hey, thanks to everybody for joining us for another episode. I wish you guys the best. Be kind to each other.

Be kind. You're worth being loved. See you.