The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Is Taking Creepy Photos of Me

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife creeped out by her husband’s inappropriate behavior A short man struggling to get a date because of his height A woman caught in between her husband and son’s feud Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My husband and I've been married nine years. We've had a lot of ups and downs like most marriages. I was looking at his laptop in a photos folder. The subject line was my love. It was photos of me that were taken without my knowledge, almost like what a stalker would take of somebody. You're not going to like what I'm about to say, okay? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.

Taking your calls from all over the planet. I'm sitting here in Nashville, Tennessee, but via the overlords of the technologies, we're able to talk to each other and, man, sit with each other and figure out what's the next right move for your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your spouses, whatever you got going on. Go to John Deloney.com slash ask. and we will figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Asheville, North Carolina, and talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's up?

Hi, how are you? I appreciate you taking my call. Of course. I appreciate you calling. Hey, Asheville, you guys, how are y'all recovering right now? We're doing okay. We're getting there. We still have a long road ahead of us as far as getting back to where we were.

Well, just Asheville is one of my favorite places in America. I'm still heartbroken with you and we're still thinking about you guys. Well, thank you. You bet. What's up? How can I help? So I do have an important question,

but a quick little backstory, I guess, before that. My husband and I've been married nine years. We've had a lot of ups and downs like most marriages. Recently, earlier this year, I found out he had been looking at pornography. He claimed it wasn't an addiction, but he was doing it multiple times a day. It was affecting his job.

He wasn't bringing an income. So we've had a lot going on with that. He started to back disconnected again recently. So I was looking at his laptop and kind of seeing what was going on. Notice he was like doom scrolling and different things and not working again. I did notice that there was, it was like a click where he was in his email in a photos folder. So when I clicked on it, there was the top email. The subject line was my love, and when I clicked on it, it was, it was luckily me, which I was honestly relieved, but it was photos of me that were taken without my knowledge, almost like what a stalker would take of somebody.

I'm either naked or half naked, getting ready in the bathroom, putting on makeup, curling my hair, but the photos are him taking them from our room without me knowing from a different room. I'm standing in the closet in some of them, and one of the creepiest ones, I'm actually, I have on a tank top and panties, and I'm sleeping, but I'm sleeping on my stomach with my leg kind of propped up, and he's pulled back the covers and was angling the photo in a weird angle. And it's so violating and disgusting for me to see these, and they're creepy, and I just don't, A, I want to know if I'm valid for, feeling that way and be if this has been a repetitive cycle of him doing things like this behind my back how do i approach this or even attempt to move on or like i don't know what i'm trying to say yeah dude i'm so grossed out on your behalf right now um the words okay well this is good for you to say that validates my feeling you're not going to like what i'm about to say okay but you need to get out of your house as soon as you can

or he needs to get out of the house as soon as possible okay very unsafe situation you're in and you listen to my show long enough I rarely say what I'm saying right now okay every one of your concerns and deep fears is

100% valid the level of violation and it's so grotesque. And I don't want to stoke your fears, but I'm just going to be honest. Is that okay? Yeah, of course. I don't know where he's posting those pictures.

I don't know who he's giving those pictures to. I don't know who he's selling those pictures to. I don't know what he's doing with that stuff. And you don't either. But to... Yeah, I was a hint at that. to that level of grotesque violation is so over the top

and it's pervasive. It's going on. It's not like you caught him taking a topless photo of you and y'all had a blow up and he was like, you know what I mean? It's not like that. Well, and they're over a period of time

that's what I'm saying. They started like four years ago and there's photos in the same folder, the ones that I take that I sent him years ago with me of lingerie. look at the I know but listen listen listen it's not about that that's not the the here's why I'm I'm reacting so strongly to this

this isn't about um I'm gonna be crass is that okay the getting off here is not the you unclosed the getting off here the allure here is not a guy looking at hot pictures of his wife the allure here is the um the violation and that's a dangerous place to find yourself especially in this day and age when those pictures can be anywhere and so there is a radical, radical difference between you taking a topless photo of yourself and sending it to him, which I got no problem with, I mean, they could end up anywhere, but that's not an issue. Or y'all mutually taking photo, like, fine, this is something that is in gross violation.

And it's hard to think, like, if he took these pictures of a neighbor through the window, it's a crime, right? it should be a crime inside your house too agreed yeah it's wrong at every level and that's why I've got such a strong gut reaction because this is pervasive violating behavior

so how should I approach it should I say anything to him or should I bring in like a no he doesn't know that I know yet. Okay. It's only been like three or four days. Okay. I would make a copy of the folder is what I would do. Yeah, I did. Okay. I would make a copy of the folder and I would in a, if he's safe, if you can have a safe conversation, I would sit across the table from him and say, I expect you to be out by the end of the day. I got to figure out what I'm going to do. Okay. And

Again, I'm reacting very strong to this, but let me put it this way. This almost never happens in a vacuum like this. Right? Yeah, that's true. One photo that he snapped of you that you didn't know that you find on his phone. Okay. I could hear the, I just wanted a picture of you while you're out of town. Like, it would be wrong and violating and disgusting and whatever, but I wouldn't react.

this strongly to that that'd be a big problem it'd still be criminal yada yada but this is an ongoing secret thing and and if you can see where i'm going with this it's escalating i always want to look at trend lines there's one thing about snapping a picture of you in the closet there's another thing about snapping a picture of you coming out of the shower now it's you're sleeping and he's physically you see what i'm saying this is like it's it's just it's moving and that escalatory behavior dude yeah there's this a bad deal it's a bad deal and the next steps are i need you to go call a therapist in your area and or if you have a couple of trusted friends um or maybe even an attorney and you ask yourself where you want to

take this do you need a forensic attorney to go i mean a forensic um technology person to go through the computer it's just you're going to have to start answering some of these questions for yourself and ask yourself how safe you are true and luckily i have a good support system awesome awesome do you does this happen with money too yes that's been most of the struggles in our marriages he's consistently going behind my back and spending money and doing different things too i would put a freeze on my credit report today, so that nobody can open up anything without you knowing? Yeah, okay. Where else does this show up?

This sort of secret behind your back, alternative world? Just like little lies that I'll catch him in and then big lies. You know, stuff that he'll lie about that's really silly. I think he'll take our daughter somewhere and not he'll explain the entire day and leave something out and then she'll mention it it just it just over time it builds his character and so I haven't trusted him in forever yeah there's no possible way I'm letting this man take my daughter anywhere yeah especially if he's taken around and lying about where they're going like that even makes my stomach sick sick sick sick I didn't want to bring that up here

but that's where I was headed yeah sorry to drop this on you but my gut tells me you knew something was way wrong huh oh definitely yeah you know you just kind of have a sense or intuition sometimes and I think I'm still in shock honestly there you go yeah and that's fair um when somebody's in shock you have to get people around you that you trust that you can say out loud and if that means a professional so be it um if there are friends that you trust or family members that you trust um but my expectation for the people who love you is that anybody who's like well hold on um they're out okay because right now i'm seeking safety for myself and for my daughter. If that means you got to go, I always like the idea of the offender leaving, but I know

that's not so easy sometimes. I hate when somebody hurts somebody in this way, but then you're the one that has to take the kids and leave, right? But I also know that for expediency's sake, that's the way that has to happen sometimes. Have you done a review of your finances? Yeah, I do a lot because I'm usually the one figuring all that out. Okay. So you've got a pretty good sense of where money is coming and where money's going. Yeah, and that's, I mean, he's kind of taken advantage of that over the year because I'm the one that provides more on this end. But then that gives me a little bit more confidence with this situation because I know I'll be fine.

Well, no, I'm wondering, do you have access to like his Venmo and cash app and things like that? So you would know if there's $50 charges coming in here or $300 coming in there, that kind of thing. usually i just see it come out of our account but it doesn't say what it is okay every alarm system i have is going off right now and yeah and i want to encourage you a to always remember you're in the driver's seat with what happens next here. And I also want to tell you that I, my hope is that you'll be aggressive. But also, I'm not living in your house and in your skin

and it's way beyond me to tell you what to do next. Just know I'll sit with you. And my hope is that whether you take a legal route, which I'll hope you'll at least explore, a therapeutic route, like whatever you're doing next, that you'll have good people who will be ready to fight because this is you're in shock when the shock wears off um there's going to be a lot of exhaling and a lot of grieving and um

trauma coming this is a kind of a violation that will stick with you for a while so you got have some good people around you and so sorry and thank you so much for calling and um thanks for allowing me to just to be direct and straight with you. But every single alarm I have is going off for you, for your daughter, and for God knows who else is involved. So get the help you need starting ASAP. Thank you so much for calling. We come back. A man asks how to find love when he feels rejected because he's not very tall. I love, love, love my poncho shirts and now the mornings are getting cooler and i get to pull out my favorite poncho shirts the comfortable performance denims and flannels poncho's performance denim has that soft broken and feel

like you've worn it a thousand times but it still looks really good i wear them to dress up events and on stages all across the country it's got a touch a stretch so it moves with you and not against you and these poncho flannels i love them you can get them in original or western styles and they are guaranteed be the softest shirt you own. They're medium weight, yet somehow they're both durable and comfortable. They keep me warm without overheating, and they are perfect for layering. Pancho shirts are built for real life. They wick away sweat, they dry fast, and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. They come in slim, a regular fit, so you can look nice no matter where you happen to find yourself. This fall, look sharp and stay warm in poncho, denims, and flannels.

head to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and get $10 off your first order when you sign up with your email. You can check out a few of my favorites like the Laramie and the Matamoros. Again, that's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, let's roll out to Baltimore, Maryland

and talk to the great and powerful Javier. What's up, Javier? Hi, John, can you hear me? I can. What's up, brother? Not much, man. I'm a big fan. It's a pleasure to be on this call with you today. Thank you for taking it. Thank you for calling. What's up, man?

Wonderful. All right. So, I am what people like to call a short king. I am five to three. How tall are you? I'm five foot three. Five foot three. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. Sweet. Okay. Yes. So I'm telling you now. I'm not. I'm not. But, you know, it's been, like, it's not

been anything that's really, like, affected me after much of my life. Like, I've been really, well, well, I've known that I've always been short, right? It hasn't really been an issue. Like, people treating me the same. I'm getting jobs and all that. But more recently, I have noticed that's starting to affect me a lot more. Like, most of my life I've learned that I've had to work harder than most people. You know, like people think that I'm younger than I am, so I have to work harder, have to be stronger, have to be faster. I'd have to be tougher, right? But in dating, it's almost impossible. And I say that because, like, most people just want a taller guy. Yep. And, um, and there are most of the calls that

I listened from your show. It's all about attraction. Like, I feel attracted my spouse. Like, I feel attracted to my wife, I have a husband or something like that. And I'm just really struggling because I'm so far off the baseline. Like, I'm not a loser. Like, I have a job. I travel the world. I've run six marathons. I go to the gym six days a week. I have a pretty fun life. I like to think. And I'm getting lots

of advice from different corners. That doesn't sound right to me. So I just want to figure out how to navigate this or how I can go about this when I feel like it's impossible. Yeah. Dude, thanks for calling, man. Yeah.

Thank you. I'm trying to think of the right way to approach this. I guess... I don't put on you. No, no, no, no, no. You know what? That's where I want to start. Yeah.

Okay? Listen to me. You are not a burden, brother. Thank you. And when you find somebody to love and somebody who will love you, it will... It will... it won't be in spite of.

You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah, like lots of the advice. So some amount of faith. And a lot, like at my church, a young adult group, like we just went through a series on marriage and love and all that. And a lot of the advice that have gotten from them, one is that people will feel spiritually attracted to people

or they'll be attracted because of things. And I don't think that's true because people that I've seen get married are in dating just aren't good people, you know. You know, it's like some of the people that I've seen in my church like are getting married. Unlike her, by part of my friends,

I kind of are like bad people. You know, like the way he's talked to women, oh, it's horrible. Yeah. And it's gross. Okay, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's just forget other people.

okay okay um you've been comparing yourself to people for a long long time yes sir i have okay and no pun intended but you keep going up short right yes sir i do is that fair yep all right and i only make jokes with my friends that i love right okay so we you have to decide i'm done with that part okay okay because here's why here's why Um, if you had skinny arms and you're always looking at guys with bigger arms, there's literally a thing you can go do. Mm-hmm. And so comparison, while frustrating and not super helpful, can be an avenue for change when it comes to how much money you make, when it comes to size of biceps, right, or whatever. And there will be genetic limitations, but fair enough.

Mm-hmm. You constantly comparing height is a fool's, Aaron, because that's a, that can't change for you. Yeah, I can't. Right? Mm-hmm. And I would suggest good. Because you have a resilience and a strength and a, I could go on forever. Because you've known from an early age, as you mentioned to me, I'm going to have to swing harder.

I punch. I'm going to have to show up earlier. I'm going to have to be more likable. I'm going to have to. You've already seen the world as it is. How uncomfortable it is what I'm saying here. And by the way, if you don't struggle with this, what I'm saying sounds harsh. If you do struggle with this, you know exactly what I'm saying. Because it's true. I know the data. Women prefer, like on a whole, a taller guy, right? That's what the data says. And dating apps have destroyed this for guys who are less than six feet tall, right? Because you can just, you can just check a box, and it just filters out all these other guys, right? Yeah.

And so there is a stark reality, period. And, man, you sound like a pretty freaking amazing guy to me. Thank you. Appreciate that. Thank you. But here's a thing. if you walk into every relationship already apologizing for a core

tenet of who you are no one will ever get to know you they're going to get to know an apologetic version of you and that's not attractive it's way less attractive than somebody's height you know what I'm saying yeah

and then you if you're already walking into a situation we're going to meet somebody and you're like I'm short, I'm short, I'm short, I'm short, I'm short, I'm short. And you shake their hand and you're like, I'm so sorry that I'm so short. And they're like, I don't like that apologetic this guy runs marathons and he has a good job and he makes a good living and he's a hilarious dude to be around but he's just so

like, like he's almost embarrassed to be with himself in public. Then that's going to be a turnoff and you're going to walk away saying she won't like me because I'm too short. And that it's going to reinforce that. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I see that. I see that entirely. I'm a big, tall guy, and almost every friend I have is shorter than me. Some considerably shorter, some a little bit shorter, some way shorter. Then I will tell you, in every one of their cases, confidence is a powerful, powerful thing. In terms of attraction. And I'm also not going to lie to you and say, life would not be easier if you were six foot three versus five foot three that's just not true yeah

exactly right yeah i agree and so there's something about saying i'm worth being loved and i'm gonna confidently say i bring a lot to somebody's life and i wince anyone tells me they're like, we're going through this marriage thing. I think I'm getting bad advice because usually you probably are. And by the way, there are very much spiritual connections, no question about it. Yeah. And if you're able to be alongside somebody in proximity, whether it's at work, whether it's in a faith practice, whether it's just somebody on your street that you see all the time,

you can get to, quote, unquote, know them and have some sort of fun, like, humor connection or spiritual connection. But most of the time you look across the room and you see somebody and you're like, I think that person's attractive, period. Yeah, exactly. Right? And hopefully it's some sort of alchemy of both. Yeah.

Or all of it, right? Mm-hmm. And also, I'm an acquired taste when it comes to looks. I'm not a pretty good guy, man, I'm just saying. Well, I appreciate that, but my wife, she saw me, when she was 18 years old, she saw me on a stage playing music. And that was the attraction at first. right and then

she's like well I'll deal with his face right like whatever but but you see what I'm saying like yeah so tell me I'm meeting you for the first time Javier

tell me a couple of things that make you a pretty that you when you look in the mirror you're proud about you yeah yeah like um um like I

I work hard of course And I just enjoy life I enjoy running marathons like I said I've been to 40 countries I think I've done a lot of crazy things I like to go inside caves and go A small thing I like to live like an adventurous life Right

I just enjoy working hard and I try to make people happy I guess Who has rejected you Who has gone out on a day with you and said, man, you're the full package. You'll provide for a family. You'll take me on adventures.

You will scratch and claw and fight on our behalf, but you know, you're just too short. Who is, has that actually happened? It has happened like that, but I feel like it just has implicitly or just like, it's like it's like, and unconscious bias. Because it's like,

it's like I hate to compare other people right but like I put things like on a list right and I can the only thing that I can think of like that is different for me based on someone else is my height that is the only thing I can think of

I can't think of anything else I tried logicing this problem out of trying to do like the old like crush you and like like boom or dad like discipline thing like oh like try and work hard and logic this thing but I can't think of it and this is the thing I can think of that's like holding me back and that spark of like attraction that makes

you know like that side glance like or that look that they give like it doesn't happen to me and I feel like I get friend zoned really fat because I'm just not like I'm so far off the baseline and that's what makes it hard like I don't have much experience because of that like I never really did in high school I did a couple of people in college but it didn't really work out and yeah so i don't know much experience how this works because it doesn't really happen for lack of a better term which hurts but that's just how it is i guess and i actually want to challenge two things one positive and one is going to make every listener cringe okay i don't think it's always implicit bias i think there are people that look at someone who's

five foot three and that it's very conscious bias okay I don't think it's like, well, I just don't know what it did, like, I think people think inside their minds, I only want to date a guy who's this tall. Yeah, it's true. Okay. So I don't want you to think that people don't know. They do. They do.

They definitely do. Right. And how old are you? I'm 28. 28. I just recorded another show about an hour ago. And I was talking to a 28-year-old or 29-year-old who's struggling with trying to find attraction. and what's happening in the current dating world if you're not using apps okay apps by the way are a nightmare

they are they're lunacy right but um everyone takes the thing that they're most self-conscious of or the actual thing weight height big nose breasts too small um hair losing hair like whatever thing has haunted you your whole life it becomes the lenses by which you see the entire world and so every reason you don't have the thing that you're hoping for um is the is is is because of that listen to this crazy thing okay they did a study where they took these women and they said they told the women we're going to go and we're going to study the bias of people who are interviewing okay and they brought in makeup artists and they gave these women scars with makeup like facial disfigurements and they told the women we're going to go in there

y'all going to apply for jobs and we want you to come back and report on bias on uncomfortable things they said and all that okay at right before the interview started the makeup artists came back in to touch up these folks but they took the scars away and so these women were not disfigured they sent them into the interviews and the women came back reporting way out of whack bias awful things that were said um judgments etc okay so here's there's a lot of findings here but here's the main moral of the story whatever you think the person across the table is thinking about you it's how you're going to hear everything they say say it's how you're going to interpret every action they take it's going to be the lens by which

you view the world and so when you sit down with somebody when you meet somebody when you're hanging out with a group of people the lenses that you're wearing are i'm short i'm short i'm short i'm short i'm short i'm short i'm short not dude i'm a great hard worker i would figure out a way to take all you guys down i run marathons i travel all that those aren't the lenses that you wear as though any of you would be super lucky to be with me. Right? The only thing you're wearing, the only glasses you're wearing on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have this thing about me, I can't fix. And that in and of itself is very unattractive. And so, I want to confirm for you, yes, the data says that women, in large mass, this is not generalizable to everybody, if they're checking boxes

would check a taller guy. you're right that's a true statement okay and and confidence is a powerful attractive thing stability adventure discipline those are incredibly attractive things so my challenge for you is to begin entering into some of these spaces even if you get a pair of glasses that are just windows that you literally put on a pair of glasses when you walk in to remind yourself, I'm a pretty amazing guy. And if you don't want to be with me because you think I'm too short, that's fine. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. I understand. And none of that helps at all, does it? No, no, no. I mean, here's the thing, I know it doesn't. And I know you're going to face a ton of discrimination, and I hate it for you. That's what it is. No, it's like I've always been told that I have a pretty big personality. And in my group of always, like, work in the room and talking with people. But how often do you end that big personality with, hey, can't take you out for coffee tomorrow?

Not that often. Okay, shoot your shot, brother. Because here's a thing. You're going home empty-handed anyway. with no dates. Exactly. You might as well take some shots, right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You make a good point there. And by the way, I don't know a person. I literally don't know a person who's not still insecure. Oh. You know what I mean?

I just don't. I don't know that person. And so I I want, here's what I want to communicate to you. You're not crazy. there is a tremendous discrimination towards shorter men there just is and um also i don't know anybody who doesn't look in the mirror and wish they look differently i just don't and everybody has to wade through you're going to have to punch through harder but everyone

has to wade through discomfort and saying hey would you like to go out on a date with me And the way the apps are designed, they are able to just filter out millions, if not billions of amazing people from amazing relationships that would have otherwise organically happened if someone had just had the courage to say, hey, you want to go out and grab some coffee? And the other person said, yeah, I will. And you'll laugh and you have a good time. And you say, man, that person wasn't my type, but, dude, I'm having a great time. and me and my wife when we met we are not each other's tight by a thousand miles and that was almost 30 years ago so for whatever that's worth brother you are awesome awesome awesome

thank you for your call thank you for laughing with me and thank you for just being vulnerable and honest I'm going to tell you change those glasses change how you walk into a room and then shoot your shot brother start asking people out in person And if there's nothing doing, call me back in six months. And we'll go to round two. I'm grateful for you, man.

When we come back, a woman asks how to support her husband and their son when they are not speaking. All right, let's get cozy. You know that I love adventures and it's the fall. And I like being out and about in the woods. But I'm telling you, by the end of the day, when I get home, I'm ready to shut it down. And when I do, I want my bed soft. I want everything cool and ridiculously comfortable. And that's exactly what cozy earth sheets deliver.

Their amazing bamboo sheets are super breathable. They regulate temperature and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler and more comfortable with cozy earth sheets. And it's not just me. My entire family is hooked on them. And we also got this cozy earth cuddle blanket thing. We all fight over it. It's ridiculous.

It's ultra soft. It's plush. and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like an anxiety blanket combined with a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's amazing. Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for you and your family, just like they've done for me and my family. Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off.

And if you get a post-purch survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Dr. John Deloney's show. That's cozy earth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save. 40% off. All right, let's go to Denver, Colorado, home of the secret airport, and talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth? Hi, Dr. John. What's up? How are you?

I'm great. How about you? Okay, thanks for talking with me. Of course. I appreciate everything you do. Appreciate you. How can I help? I feel caught in the middle between my husband and my son. My son's 22, and he is mad at his day.

dad and the relationship has been strained for a while, but since my son moved out about four or five months ago, he basically wants to go no contact and has really been not communicating with my husband at all. It's a little bit more complicated because they both work off our property, so they do see each other interact with each other, but, you know, pass each other, but there's a strain in the interaction, and I'm sort of getting both sides of it. Who's right? Who's right?

Honestly, I can see both of their sides. Okay. I have compassion for my son, because I do understand that he needed more from his dad than his dad gave him, but I do understand that my husband's tried really hard. Yeah. And

wants to make it better, wants to make wrongs right, and I really honestly get to see both of their sides, which is so tough, but I don't support no contact. I do want my son to work through it. What brought your son to such a drastic, like, boundary? Well, he's really pissed at him for...

For what? What was the thing that happened? I feel like it was a combination of things that happened, and then when he moved out of a house it was sort of just easier not to have to deal with it. He's mad at him because when he was grown up, my husband definitely was a yeller.

So, you know, he would come home and yell. That doesn't work for anybody. And that causes a lot of resentment. He's mad at him for how he treated me like for yelling and stuff like that. Because my husband owns a business and my son worked with him for many, many years, including like the first year after high school.

And he would be, you know, stern and yelling at the crew and then my son would be there that would be embarrassing for him and you know he wanted his dad just to behave better sure so so why does your son keep showing up in his like working at the same place if he wants to be a grown man and cut ties wasn't he'd be a grown man and cut ties well he has he has his own business he doesn't work with him anymore but they those are the businesses are based on our property they don't they don't work in the same place anymore the same business they both on the room but but your your husband owns the property oh yeah we own it yeah well if if my son thinks i'm such a bad person and by the way

the way your husband acted you're right it was ridiculous stupid he acted like a child right he did and your son is right to be upset with his dad but yeah if i'm going to be a grown man and put up boundaries, then I'm going to accept the responsibilities of my boundaries. Which is not to work on the property. Yeah. If I would be tough and hard,

then it would be tough and hard. I honestly like having him there. Of course you do. Because you, here's what, you have some guilt in shame. I really, I really did try hard.

I mean, I do have a nice relationship with him, but I do feel bad about, I do feel bad about, about repeating. I feel like I repeated some of the pattern of my own dad who chose work over family and that kind of stuff. And there's part of you that feels guilty

that I should have protected him. I should have. I should have. I should have. I should have. And all those things may even be, all of them may be true. Probably not.

But all we can deal with is right now. Right. So here's what I always recommend to folks caught in what I would call getting triangulated in your situation. I would tell my husband, that's my son, and we go out for lunch or breakfast once a week. And you can whine all you want, but that's my son, and you're not getting the middle of that. And I would tell my son, that's my husband, and he screwed up, and he is working his butt off to change and not yell. And I believe in forgiveness, and I believe in transformation and redemption.

And I'm giving him that shot. And so if you want to be a grown-up boy and just talk trash, you're not going to talk trash about my husband in front of me, especially not when he's trying this hard to change. Okay. It would be more of a boundary with my son. Like, and you could tell him, you don't get to talk that way about my husband. If you want to bad mouth your dad,

while you're still working on his property, by the way, it's, I mean, it's kind of like the dog with the loud, the little dog with the loud bark who has the huge dog right behind it. Like, cool, it's easy to talk. It's easy to run your mouth. when you're not paying rent but alas right um but you don't get to talk about about my husband he screwed up it should have been different it wasn't and you have a choice now do you want to be a part of making it better or do you want to go do your own thing you're 22 years old so i got to i felt like

now that you're saying this that i'm still stuck in that like younger kid mom mode where you are I want to try to make it better for him and help them to process it and, like, move through it. He's not interested. He's interested in two things, differentiation, which is age appropriate. 22-year-old men should be flexing their muscles against their 50-year-old dads. That's normal, right? Okay. That sort of tension, especially in the modern world, isn't a thing to be scared of.

There's a natural, I have to find my place. I personally in my house am doing a ton of work on my end where like since my son was a little boy making sure he knows that I love him deeply and I hug him and I look him in the eye and tell him I'm proud of him and now that he's older I send him messages on a regular basis I want him to know when this differentiation happens and by the way he's 15 it's already happening in my house right now I want him to know we are two separate men I'm a separate man and you're growing into a separate man, but I will always be on your team. Okay. And so it makes that separation not one of combativeness, but one of partnership. But so be it. So that part, a 22-year-old trying to flex and see, I want to do the things my way now, that's normal.

What's not normal or what's coming from a place of hurt is I have to badmouth my dad and trash him some i'm telling the truth but i'm still trashing him in an effort to make my tiny 22 year old manly self feel a little bit taller and you're not going to do that on my dime you're not going to do that on my husband so it's okay to set that boundary and not absolutely yeah okay but but but do it from a place of truth so your son doesn't feel insane okay and here's what it would look like in real life hey son i'm taking you out we're going to start going to um or breakfast every week together. I'm your mama and we're going to do that.

Mom, I'm too, no, I'm your mom. We're doing that. If you're working on my property, you have to have lunch with me, my rules. Fine. And then at that first lunch, after you've established, this is going to be an ongoing thing. Say, hey, the way your dad yelled and treated us growing up was wrong. And it was wrong that I let it go on and I'm sorry.

The way your dad embarrassed you when you were working for him after high school, that was wrong and I'm watching a man in real time work his butt off to change you don't have to be a part of that but I'm not going to let you run down dad anymore in front of me you're going to have to find new people to complain to I guess I bring up a little bit of fear as if he'll go back for me he just might he just might yeah but listen any other relationship you're trying to prop up is a facade and if it's based off of bashing somebody that you go home to every night that's not a real relationship okay okay and so here's what here's what we're trying to do i'm trying to tell my son i'm gonna walk alongside you and i'm your mom i'll always be your mama always gonna love you and he may say i'm not coming to breakfast anymore and you can say i'm gonna be here okay and i love you and i always will love you and i hope you'll be here too and I hope at some point

forgiveness is not for your dad forgiveness is for you because every morning waking up in your shoes has to be exhausting because you wake up angry and you know what that's going to turn him into someone who yells at people I know I totally agree with you I totally agree with that one I have been worried about that one

he won't do this but here's the exercise that I always do when I'm sitting with somebody in person I hand them a brick and I say hey who's carrying this the person who hurt you or you because this is your rage set it down man

yeah set it down right or if you want to carry it cool and then you and your husband can have broader conversations now be honest if your husband's not changing if he's still yelling and screaming and screaming at everybody

and kicking and moaning you have to make grown-up decisions about that's just him and I'm going to choose to live here I'll love you either way or I'm going to start drawing my own boundaries I'm tired of you yelling and screaming stop you cost us our relationship with our son I'm not doing it anymore you get to you get to begin to make some of those boundaries anytime you put up a boundary there's always a right and honest fear that someone's going to see that boundary or meet that boundary and

they're going to go the other way and as adults they get to do that and you said it best elizabeth you're still trying to treat him and comfort him as though he's a child and he's not he's a grown man making grown man decisions but when it comes to triangulating i i'm backing out of that nonsense i'll tell everybody you're welcome in my house whoever comes over first is welcome in my house and i'll talk to you and listen to you but i'm not going to talk bad about you in front of the other person it's not going to it's the best way to keep yourself whole and good and by the way it's the best way to preserve that relationship over for everyone. Thank you so much for the call, Elizabeth. You're awesome. Time for that 22-year-old

to find out the full weight of the responsibilities he's asking for. And can I just say kudos to your husband for saying, you know what? I did this wrong. I acted like a child my whole life yelling and screaming at kids and my wife and at coworkers and it was stupid and immature and I'm done with that life. And I'm going to grow up. Good for him. Tell legacies change, man. Tell legacies change. I'm all about redemption. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so we have a question from Paul in Cincinnati, Ohio. Paul writes, my daughter has expressed an interest in riding the bus this year. She's going into the third grade, and ever since preschool, we've been driving her instead of her taking the bus.

I brought this up with my wife, who said she would ask other local moms about their experiences. I tried to calm her fears by offering to pay for a tile and to get life 360 and that if bullying ever became a problem, we'd go back to driving. When I talked to her about it, she suffers from anxiety, so I get a lot of questions like, what if the bus breaks down? What does she forgets her backpack at school so I can't track her location? It's gotten to the point where I get frustrated trying to fight her anxiety over it, that I dropped the issue. Am I the problem for my daughter, for wanting my daughter to take the bus? No. No. And I hesitate to call any of this a problem.

I think it's just, I don't know. It's everybody's lived experience all at the same time. The funny, I think he's the funniest working comedian out right now. His name's Derek Stroop. He has a great bit on the bus was the internet before the internet. And the further back you went on the bus. The dark web is back. Yeah.

And he's like, I've seen that one. In no place should third graders be on the same bus as 10th graders, right? So, I mean, when it comes to bus riding, it depends, right? Is it age-specific, whatever? When it comes to buses breaking down, yeah, I don't have any concerns about that at all because I used to drive a bus with high school kids. Like, there's me, I mean, there's people to call, et cetera. That's when someone needs to work on their anxiety issues, the bigger control issues.

But I don't fault your wife for being concerned that she's putting her three-year-old daughter, I mean, it's the three, her third grade daughter on a bus. And I don't fault you for saying, dude, the bus is going to the school. It's fine, especially if it's age appropriate on the bus, that kind of thing. I guess the bigger, like, if I have a problem here, it's letting the third grader dictate how I get to school or not. Mom and dad decide what's the best thing for that kid, not that third grader. And if the third grader wants to try, like, I actually want to like smoke on the way to school because it'll make me feel better. You're not going to do that, right?

So if a kid says, I really want to try the bus, maybe once a week. But I like dropping you off. It's an important time for us to be in the car. It's not a big deal for us when it comes to getting to work on time, et cetera. I wouldn't let the kid drive that. But also, I like the idea that if your kids want to experience something and not feeling like the weirdo kid. And if it's like my daughter, you may be a dad who's a little bit dramatic when you drop your kid off. and she gets embarrassed and runs away.

Dude, I'm the worst to drop off. Like now when I'm pulling in, my daughter would be like, dad, don't. Just whatever you're about to do, don't. I'm like, what? You mean, turn the music up and sing her line? She's like, dad, don't, dad, don't. It's awesome. But she doesn't like me dropping her off anymore because I was a little bit much.

So, I don't know. What do you think? My kids took the bus because they wanted to. So I don't have a problem with it at all. Yeah. Now, there was a year, it was a weird thing that happened for a little while where they were taking middle school and elementary kids at the same time. Yeah. And I had, mine were in elementary.

And we, we stopped taking the bus for that period of time because I didn't think they needed to be on the bus together. Yeah, that's not great. And so my, like, third grader didn't need to be on with them. But overall, they've taken the bus. And, I mean, I have a handicapped daughter who she had to take, uh, for, quite a few years coming home from her after school program, a city bus that was made for handicapped people. And we put mechanisms in place. She had a phone, you know, different things like that. She texted when she got on the bus. And then so I get there being a nerd, you know,

set the nervous, but you got to let them fly a little bit. Yeah. So yeah, do what's best for you and your wife. And if there is an anxiety issue, a broader one, my guess is it's not only related to the bus. I bet it's happening in other places. And that's something that's worthy of going to talk to a counselor about or talking to a therapist about if you guys just want to let your daughters spread her wings a little bit as a third grader just say on Tuesdays you take the bus or Thursdays you take the bus and we'll try it out for a while and like Kelly said if it's mixed ages I got that's probably not a wise thing but depending on if you may be in a rural community and that's all you got and as for my house I love those times when I get to drop my kids off

in the mornings. It's just precious time for me. So every house is different. I just wouldn't let a third grader dictate the house. But I don't see that's a problem. I see it just as a bigger. Everybody's doing the best they can. So get to the roots there.

Love you guys. Stay at school. Bye.