The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Keeps Changing His Mind About Having Kids

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A wife at her breaking point with her indecisive husband - How to set fitness goals with Sal Di Stefano - A man struggling to lose weight To check out Mindpump's workouts click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Before we got married, we both agreed that we wanted kids. We've just been missing the mark with one another. So once he said yes, I started getting excited, and then it was a no again. You're devastated. Is this marriage worth not having a baby? I think so. What up, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your workplace, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life, those relationships and challenges that we all face. Most of us are forced in this new wild world that we've built for ourselves to experience these things alone. And the purposes of this show is so that you don't have to do this alone. If you want to be on the show, I promise I'll sit with you and we will figure out what the next right step is. And

sometimes those steps are messy. Sometimes those steps aren't going to dissolve everything. In fact, it rarely just solves anything right in the moment, but it does get you on a path towards hope, towards changing everything, or sometimes just changing something small. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. You're going to leave a message.

Let us know what's going on, how we can get in touch with you, or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And if you've been listening to the show for the past couple of months, it has gotten heavy. A lot of people going through a lot of dark times in their life. So if you have some joyful things going on in your life, give us a buzz too. We'll have you on and we can talk about that as well. And huge news, huge news. Number one, Kelly's not in the booth. That's so great. Number two, huger news.

This is the last show with the old punky poppy music. Bye-bye, old music. Bye-bye, Felicia. See ya. See ya. My friend Jason, who is the lead singer of maybe the greatest band of all time, My Weekly Low, he plays in our band, and he's awesome.

I asked him to create some awesome groove jams to change the music of the show so we can bring it into the 21st century. So next show, the feed's going to kick in, and you're going to be like, what's going on? It's right. It's the new tunes, and I'm super excited for you all to hear them. So don't flip out. It is going to be different, so it is going to make some of you sad.

But if you like old Limp Bizkit, have we got tunes for you. It's going to be so good. If you're a Creed fan, just unsubscribe right now. That would be cool. All right, let's go to Dallas, good If you're a Creed fan, just unsubscribe right now That'd be cool Alright, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Andito What's up, Andy? Hello What up? How we doing?

Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, what's happening in your world? So much, you know, so much That's so much That sounds like so much It is, it's always so much. It is. It's always so much, right? Not always.

Not always. What's up? So my husband and I have been married for about seven years. And he's in his, just for a little perspective, he's in his early 40s and I'm in my mid 30s. And he's very spontaneous, but also a big worrier. So he worries a lot about everything and I'm kind of the opposite. So I like to plan and I'm a little more calm. And, um, both of us went to premarital counseling before we got married and neither of us has been married in the past or had kids or anything like that. And we both agreed that we wanted kids. And ever since then, we've just been kind of missing the mark with one another.

And this last episode of disagreement, I don't know, it just has me thinking a lot. And I'm trying to figure out, I want to get some perspective on our relationship and see kind of where this is going to end up going in the future. Yeah. That makes sense. So he's changed his mind? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he was stuck on no for a while. So we moved to a new area and my yes just kind of came up when we moved because we were in a safe environment, which we kind of came from an environment that wasn't really that safe. There was a lot of crime. So we moved to a new area, safe environment, lots of kids, lots of peace. We were in a good place in our relationship. And about two years ago, I wrote him this nice five-page letter that basically said, look, I think this is the time and these are all the reasons why. And he said no. And I struggled with that for a while. And I eventually, I guess, got over my feelings.

You didn't get over them. You buried them in the yard. I convinced myself that I didn't want them either. You know, I leaned into every negative I could think of. So you lied to yourself in order to appease this dude. All right. All right. Yes. Yes. So, and then, Oh, okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. Well,. Well, this is where it kind of comes to a head. A couple of years later, so now we're talking in the today, he calls me out of the blue. I'm at work. He's at work.

And he says, honey, I want a baby. And I'm like, what? Like for two years, I've convinced myself that I don't want them either. So what are you talking about? And he tells me he does. And I ask him want them either. So what are you talking about? And, um, he tells me he does. And I, I, you know, I ask him all the questions. Are you, are you sure? Are you serious? Are you playing with me? Like, I don't understand what's happening. So I kind of want to understand how he's come to this conclusion, you know, things like that. And he gets a call from his boss. So he

had to let me go. Um, but I texted him and I said, look, I need to know if you're being serious because I don't want to let my mind wander about this subject. So I need to know. And, uh, when we got, I, we both got home from work, we talked about it and he assured me that he was sure. And then about a week later he changed his mind. Um, so once he said, yes, I started getting excited and I started doing my planning that I do. And then it was a no again. And he can't tell me why. He can't tell me why he said yes. Can't tell me why he said no.

So I'm just annoyed. You're not annoyed. That's not true you're devastated yeah yeah I am something tells me that you're so afraid to actually feel that because you know what that actually means so let's put baby

aside because baby is that's a really heavy topic or it's a lightning rod topic. This isn't the only thing that y'all have push-pull in your marriage. Your marriage isn't very good right now, is it? Aside from this topic, we're pretty good. I bet not.

Okay. Here's why okay here's why here's why you don't usually it's not always the case but you don't usually selectively shove something this important away in isolation by itself okay this has the hallmark of a relationship where somebody is slowly dying over a long period of time in order to try to prop up this fantasy that this, my life is going to turn out this certain way. Okay. I can be totally wrong. You can be like, no,

I'm totally open on all my needs, everything I want, everything I need. I communicate it. He communicates back to me. He tells me the truth. We're all, we're, it's simpatico except for this one thing. You would be, I mean, we are, we are pretty good. Um, I will say that like, for me, I know me and I've, I've always been very independent. I've always been the, um, the captain of my ship. And when I got with him, I had to relinquish a lot of my control, um, in our relationship. Did he relinquish too? So they all could together co-pilot something new? Uh, on some things, not on all.

Name them. The couch colors. Where we live, where we live. I was a big pusher for that because I was tired of where we lived and there was too much crime. And I moved him far away, not far away, about an hour away. That's not far away.

Okay. I mean, it's not, especially in Texas. That's down the street. Yeah, that's true. That's how I felt. Everything's not, especially in Texas. That's down the street. Yeah, that's true. That's how I felt.

Everything's down the street in Texas. Yeah. So let's put all that aside. Okay. Is this marriage worth not having a baby? I think so. Okay. Okay. If that's the choice you make,

then you have to grieve what you wanted so bad. And you have to grieve the picture of the life you thought you were going to have. Because if you're like most people, both men and women, you've already thought about like a potential name or two. You have a room in your house that you've already pre-imagined where the bassinet would go. If you're like my wife, you've already started planning

on what the Thanksgiving meal would look like when our kid came home from college and brought their new love home and dad was going to make it weird. You've had these pictures in your head. You're going to have to grieve them because they're gone

and then you're going to have to make peace with this guy that has been like yeah cool no yeah oh yeah no no yeah well you moved me an hour away so I'm taking this thing you're going to have to grieve you're going to be okay with it I'm not saying you can't be good but here's what you're going to have to do that most

people never do in this moment. The marriage you thought you had is now over and you have to build something new with him. Okay. Because what y'all have been working towards is some sort of intellectual compromise on having a child. When it's safe, when we have enough money, when you feel like it, when you feel like it. I don't feel like it anymore. Well, I don't feel like it anymore either. I'm just going to make myself believe that. I know I do. Now you're going to have to create a marriage where we are not having a child. It's just us. What is us picture going to look like? Fast forward to being 60. What's your house going to look like? What's your Thanksgiving meal going to look like then? Pretty, uh, pretty empty, probably.

That, that, that could be the word you want to use, or it could be, no, since we're not going to have kids, it's going to be full of neighborhood folks, or it's going to be, we're going to, we live in a college town, so we're going to have a bunch of college students who don't have anywhere to go. I mean, you're going to have to backfill that and change that picture. And if you just say things like, well, it's just going to be us two sitting around a table. Ugh. And you think at 60, I'm going to hate him. I'm going to

hate him. Yeah. Then you don't need to have that conversation now. I agree. Yeah. But here's the thing. He's not going to change. Okay. You got seven years of data that suggests that. Mm-hmm.

And by the way, I don't want any more dads in the world who hem-haw like this. I don't want any more dads in the world that take their wife's most prized picture and just blow their nose in it. So if he's not all in on being a dad and being a husband, then cool,

man. I mean, I'm not going to force that. I don't want that. I don't want someone, we don't need any more parents under duress. Right. I want men who are sprinting to the responsibilities

in the extraordinary life that is fatherhood and he's not doing that so there we go yeah the least he can do is stop jerking you around though I agree I agree yeah that was rough but you can't use language because it's not truthful I agree. I agree. Yeah, that was rough. But you can't use language because it's not truthful. It's not honest.

You can't use language like, it was really frustrating. No, dude. It was apocalyptic. It was earth shattering. Yeah. He let you believe. Oh, yeah. I felt like I was lied to.

Yeah. Well, you were 100%. Yeah. He let you believe. Oh, yeah. I felt like I was lied to. Yeah. Well, you were 100%. Yeah. You were. I think you have to grieve that. Okay. What does that mean? Here's some ways and practical ways you can grieve that. You can begin to draw a picture of what that house is going to look like when you're 60.

You can write that imaginary child that you have in your head that you've had for a while. You can write him a letter and say, I'm not going to get to meet you, but I'm going to go do this in the world now. That's okay. You can write down the things that you had hoped would be true and now are not going to be true, but write them down. Get them out of your body. Put them on a piece of paper.

I wanted X to be true, but Y is true. And by the way, this is a choice I'm making. I'm making this choice. Right. Right. And so there's some ownership there too. And by the way, just because you own it doesn't mean it's going to feel good all the time.

That's okay. My son had finals this morning and I chose to miss most, 95% of my workout. I got in a few minutes and I missed some journaling finals this morning and I chose to miss most 95% of my workout. I got in a few minutes and I missed some journaling time this morning because I wanted to be the guy that dropped him off. I didn't feel good. I didn't want to do that. It made me running around all over this town,

but I chose to do that thing. That was the world I created. That's what I wanted. It just came at a cost and that cost didn't feel great, but it was right. Okay. But here's the I wanted. It just came at a cost. And that cost didn't feel great, but it was right. Okay. But here's the meta here. You can't just...

At some point, you either got to make peace with this is the life. The man I'm married to does not want to have kids. We agreed on it seven years ago. It's not going to happen. And by the way, I don't want to have, I don't want to make a human with somebody who is, yeah, oh, I don't know. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to bring a child into that. I want to bring a child into a world that dad wants him so bad. And by the way, fatherhood is an extraordinary responsibility. So I want a man who's gonna take it and own it And so I gotta grieve the the world I thought I was gonna have because i'm not Or you have to have a harder conversation about am I gonna stay in this marriage or not? And nobody can have that conversation except for you

Nobody I know you're hoping for a different christmas this this year. I'm, sorry Nobody. I know you're hoping for a different Christmas this year. I'm sorry. For a week there, you had a different 2024 picture in mind. I'm sorry. The only place you can go is the mirror. What do you want?

What do you need? What are you going to choose moving forward? We'll be right back. All right, we are back. It is the new year, and I'm bringing in one of the men who's helped transform my life personally to give us some insights. What's up, brother Sol? John, how you doing? What are you doing? I'm just, you know, working, being a dad, not sleeping because I got little ones. But other than that, just having a good time, man. Listen, if I was to be honest about your Instagram feeds recently,

it sounds like you're tired because y'all are blowing up Cabo for the last however many days. Oh, that's no, we went down there to meet with Dr. Kahn for some treatments and stuff that we'll be talking about on the show. Primarily,

we want to see if it helps with Adam's psoriasis that he'd been struggling with. But yeah, I mean, it was gorgeous down there. So it's pretty cool. Did y'all walk away

with any insights into, oh man, we're onto something here? You know, it's a bit controversial, but stem cell infusions seem to have some pretty profound effects on autoimmune-type issues. And we're just going to be very honest about how it works or doesn't work. Dr. Kahn knows this. He's very confident. We trust him. So we'll keep you posted. That's so cool.

Well, to everybody listening, this is my good buddy, Sal DiStefano, an integral part, a cornerstone part of the Mind Pump gang out of San Jose, California, who have been instrumental in changing my personal fitness. Sal, in particular, behind closed doors has really helped me work through some disordered eating challenges I've had my whole life. And somebody that I regularly go to and say, man, I need some help. And so luckily for me, I've got a cell number. You guys don't. But here's why I'm bringing Sal on today.

This show is rolling out into the new year. We're about two or three weeks into the new year, and this is when everybody starts falling apart. They've made all these announcements to the world about what they're going to do with their health, with their fitness, with their nutrition. And about week three, they're like, this sucks, I'm out. And Sal, you worked in gyms forever, right?

As a personal trainer, you ran gyms. This is about week three into four, five, and six when the gym goes from being super packed to there's just back to the same old gang, right? Yeah, the traffic and the revenue of gyms goes up a good 50%. And that stays high through February. By March, it starts to dip back down

and you lose most people that came in that initial wave. And it's just very, very, very predictable, very consistent. The fitness industry and the gyms know this. They capitalize on it. But the fail rate is just so high. And this was one of the reasons why I left gyms, to be quite honest. Yeah. What is it about the business model that they – this is an aside.

It's not even why I called you, but it's an interesting thread I want to pull real quick. Why would a business, why would somebody open a business without the end result being helping a customer? It feels very much like Blockbuster where the bulk of their revenue came when their customer failed. When their customer didn't bring back the movie, that's when Blockbuster made their money. And ultimately, that always fails business-wise long-term. John, you're hitting a nerve with me. This is why we started the podcast.

This is why I left the gym industry. A lot of markets, well, markets are good at giving us what we want, but they're terrible at giving us what we need. And the fitness industry is just like any other market. And so what they figured was people want to have access to the gym and they'll keep paying if it's cheap enough and they won't show up. And so gyms with that model, they're like, look, the heavy users, the people that pay us 20 bucks a month and use the gym consistently, they cost us money. We lose money on them. They wear down the equipment. They're in here all the time. The people that pay us and don't show up, that's pure profit. I mean, if everybody showed up that had a gym membership on a consistent basis, gyms would have to shut down. They would exceed the regulations for how many people can allow in the building. That's the truth.

And the whole industry is built on that. And I just couldn't live with that. You know, it was just, it just didn't, didn't work for me. Um, and as a trainer, you know, I was like, I really, really wanted people not just to get results, but then to be able to keep them. That's the hard part. Like, how can we get people to, to stay consistent and make this a part of their life, not just do it for two or three months when they're feeling motivated or maybe feeling bad about themselves. And that's, again, that's why we started the podcast. But yeah, that's what happens in the gyms.

And it's very, very clear why this happens. And we really try to communicate this on the show as much as possible. Well, just, I mean, you know this as well as I do, the arc of any business that ultimately does not result in life change or solving a problem for a customer will end, period. Yes. And it just depends on how long they can squeeze it out, but eventually it goes away. And I don't know if it's some of the incredible home gym equipment that you and I both have.

I mean, I don't know what ultimately turns it over or if it's an economic, but who knows what it is. But we all know that if you're not solving a problem for a customer downstream, your business goes away. But that's a secondary thing. All right, so here we are. I'm recording this show right before Christmas. It's coming out for people who are three weeks into the new year.

I'm going to ask you, give me some bite-sized tips for John Deloney's fitness goals in 24 that people can use. They're three weeks in, they're like, I'm going to lose 50 pounds in the first month. And they're already like, that's not going to happen. Or I'm never eating a carb again or whatever crazy thing they came up with. This is going to allow them before January is over to control, delete, and actually do something that's going to become, like you said, I love it, a part of your life. This is a way of being moving forward. So give me some headlines here that I can incorporate as I build my fitness goals for 2024. Oh, I love that you asked this question, John. By the way, one thing I love about fitness

so much is it's an example of like life. Okay. So this might sound a little esoteric, but it's really true. So what I'm about to say, I think is going to resonate, right? When we're in a hyper motivated state of mind, and that motivation may come from, uh, self hate or guilt or, Oh my God, the holidays, I feel so terrible, or I just totally indulged or it's a new year. So now it's going to be a new me, whatever. When we're in that motivated state of mind without realizing it, we assume that that motivated state of mind is how we're always going to feel. So we ended up making promises with ourselves or with other people. We ended up setting goals for ourselves, assuming that this is how we're always going to feel.

And so what it looks like is I never exercise and I've been eating whatever I want to now I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to show up four days a week for sure. And I'm never going to eat a carb or I'm going to completely overhaul my diet and completely overhaul my life. And that works as long as you're in that hyper-motivated state of mind, which 100% will go away. Nobody ever stays. I've never had to convince a client to work out or eat right when they felt that way. That's easy. The hard part is when that feeling goes away, because it will, because life is not about feeling the same all the time. So the key here is making promises with

yourself, imagining yourself in the other states of mind, the normal states of mind, the unmotivated states of mind. When I'm tired, when I'm busy, when I don't want to. All right, what does that look like? So what that typically looks like is a really small step. And by the way, there's no wrong answer here. So you have to have this conversation with yourself. So to give you an example, I had a client once I trained, I use her as an example all the time, and hopefully she doesn't hear these because I hope I don't make her feel bad, but it turned out to be a real incredible success story. But she had such a terrible diet, such a bad relationship with food. And she came to me in this motivated state of mind, this is what I'm going to do. And we sat down and said, look, I said,

you want to go from here to here. And in my experience, this is going to fail because it's too big of a jump. How do you normally feel? Let's take some steps that you think you'll be able to stick to for the rest of your life. Let's use that as the context. And so this is what we started with. You ready? She started with, I'm going to drink an extra glass of water every day, and I'm going to walk for 10 minutes, three days a week. That's where she started. Okay. But she started there because she was able to put herself in that state of mind of, okay, I know how I can feel. I know how hard this will be for me. So let me get, I can start with this promise. And I think it can be consistent with that. Now here's what happened. She followed that and eventually it became a part

of her life. And then she asked herself that question again, what's another step I can take? And over time, the space between these steps gets smaller and the steps become larger because you start to develop this skill of discipline. You constantly hear fitness professionals talk about it. You start to develop the skill of how I can make changes that will stick, but you have to start there. Don't make yourself promises or make these big jumps because this is how you feel now. And without realizing it, you're assuming you're always going to feel that way because you're guaranteed to fail. You're, you're, you're writing checks. You can't cash. When that feeling goes away, you'll let yourself down.

And if you do that enough times, and this is what the fitness industry has done so terribly is that we've let, we've capitalized on those motivated state of minds by selling people everything and, you know, and throwing everything at them, but the kitchen sink. And once they fail three or four times, they never come back. And that's terrible, absolutely terrible. So there really is no right answer with the first step. It's got to be the one that you think you can maintain for the rest of your life, knowing how you can feel when you're not feeling as motivated as you may be right now at the beginning of the year. Man, so I'm thinking back to 2015 for me. Um, and I,

I've been an athlete most of my life, but I, and then I started, I was an academic nerd for a while. So I spent less time in the gym. 2015 I think was when, um, I just made a deal with myself. You're going to, you go home gym. I got a squat rack in my house and a few weights you're going to do. You're going to do four times a week. Something, something. And here it is, getting up, knocking on the door of 10 years later.

And I've got a pretty elaborate routine, but I think it worked exactly as you said it. But here's what, I fall prey to it. So I'm living that out of my life over a decade. It's a part of my life now in a way that's like, if I don't hug my daughter on a regular day, my day feels off. Similarly, if I don't exercise, my day feels off. And three weeks ago, I was like, dude, you're going to do 60 pounds in your ruck every single day on a treadmill at this incline for 30 straight days.

And here's what happened. I got stuck in a cell phone store for four hours the other night because they moved one set of data to one phone. And dude, I got home at 11 o'clock at night and I felt like such a shameful loser. You failed.

What a loser. And that's my self-talk, dude, right now at 23. So dumb. I fell for it again. I fell for it again. I fell for it again. And you nailed it. It's so easy. You go to the gym and some beefcake McGee and too tight of a shirt is like, what are your goals? And you're like, I want to get an abs. He's like, sweet. And then the first workout, the next day you can't wipe properly because your hands don't work and your abs hurt so bad and you can't get off the toilet and then you can't go the

next day. Or I'm doing like make up some workout. That's like, you got to do everything. Every. So what you're saying is, all right, we've looked across the landscape.

That crap just doesn't work. Can you make some small changes on a regular basis? No, whatever it has to be. Let me hammer this home. Okay. Not only will you fail, but that's also not how the body adapts anyway. Okay. When you're trying to get leaner,

build muscle, get stronger, improve your mobility, come healthier, right? Those are all adaptations that your body is moving towards as a result of some kind of a signal that you sent your body. And that signal is perceived as some sort of a stress, right? So if I exercise, it's a little bit of a stress on my body. In fact, if you were to take my blood markers post-exercise, it would look like, oh my God, what's going on? Inflammatory markers are up and what's happening to this person? So what your body does, just like developing calluses on your skin or tanning because you're out in the sun, your body adapts to that stress so that it no longer becomes a stress, right? And so then what happens is you're more fit, so you got to work out a little harder or do a little longer or whatever in order to continue to induce those changes.

Okay, so where am I going with this? Look, if you're listening right now and your activity looks like nothing and your diet is, you know, you've accepted, like, it's not very good, if you take too big of a step, you're going to overwhelm your body's ability to adapt to those stresses. It's no different than if I lived in my mother's basement for 10 years, and then I go out to the hot baking, you know, California sun and try to accomplish a, you know, Mediterranean tan in one day. I would just burn myself. That's all. I would just damage my body and I wouldn't get a tan, right?

So regardless of where you stand with this, not only will you, the data will show, if you take two biggest steps, you're going to fail anyway because you'll stop. But even if you think to yourself like, no, I'll keep doing this, your body doesn't adapt that way anyway. You're going to overcome your body's ability

to adapt to the stress. You're not going to get stronger. You're not going to get more fit. You're going to overwhelm your body. You're going to become more tired, overtrained. Stress hormones are going to go out of whack. You're not going to feel very good. And like you said, people think that feeling like I can't wipe myself the next day means I had a good workout. No, that means you did too much. That means you got a sunburn. You're not going to get that tan. So wherever you're at, the appropriate step is not only the one that you're most likely to stick to, it's also the one that's going to get you there the fastest. So I want people to understand that.

And I have to sell this constantly to people because they think that they're trading, you know, uh, that the trade is I'm going to get there slower, but I'm more likely to stick to the goal. No, no, no. It's not one is fast. One is slow. It's one is yes, one is no. That's a fact. So the right way is the right way is the right way. And again, I hope I'm selling it effectively because I want people to understand this. If you do this the way that I'm expressing it and explaining it, it's going to work, or at least it's far more likely to work there is no other way so I also love so good man I I love this because challenge looks different for everybody and here's

what I mean for some people going for a walk three days a week for ten minutes is a dramatic change in your life correct and having an extra glass of water instead of a diet Coke is a dramatic change. And for me, I lift weights all the time. You know what I have to do? When I was doing MMA regularly, I used to be able to stand up and pick up my leg and put my foot, my heel on somebody's shoulder. I can't touch my toes anymore.

So this year for me, I'm going to incorporate not, I'm going to be able to do the splits, but I'm not doing that. Because normally that would be me. But based on this one phone call, Sal, I'm going to incorporate one day a week. I feel so good when I lift. I'm going to do one day of mobility a week. I'm going to try that. And I bet over time my hips will loosen up, my knees and shoulders loosen up,

and I'm going to feel so good that I'll make it a regular part of my life. 100%. 100%. It is a relationship. Look, if someone's listening, you know, and you too, John, and even to myself, right? Plan on doing this for the rest of my life. I don't plan on stopping, right? So it's a relationship that you have with this activity or with this pursuit of, you know, improving my health, my vitality, consider this. Let's forget the fact that we want to look ripped or we want to appear a particular way or we have, you know, body image issues. All of us are challenged with those, myself included. Consider this, a more fit, healthy version of you is just going to enjoy life more,

okay? Period, end of story. And so what that means is your use your workouts and use your diet to improve the quality of your life, regardless of the context of your life. Now, what that means is your workouts and your diet are going to shift and change just like your life does, you know? So sometimes John, you're going to go to the gym and, or you're going to go to your garage and you're going to work out hard because you got good sleep. Everything's going good in your life and you feel great. Sometimes you're going to be really stressed out. Maybe you got bad sleep. Maybe something's happening with your kids or whatever. And your, your capacity is much lower. You don't go in the garage and beat yourself up. That's not going to improve the quality of life.

Now you go in the garage and now I'm relieving stress. Maybe I'm stretching. Maybe I got to take a day off even. Right. So when you look at it that way, you tend to train yourself and eat in a way that's appropriate to the context of your life. And then what happens is you develop this. It's like, you've got this Swiss army knife where you could pull out the right blade for whatever's happening in your life. You're like, I'm tired. Oh, here's, I'm going to work out because I'm tired or here's, I'm not going to work out because I'm tired Or my digestion's off. This is what my diet's going to look like as a result. Or man, everything's firing in all cylinders. I feel amazing. I think I'm going to train for a PR in my deadlift, or I'm going to see how fast I can run the mile or whatever. But when you do it that way, you've developed this relationship with this pursuit.

And it won't serve you wrong if you do it that way. You're going to steer yourself more towards an appropriate application of these things. Because the challenge is that people always run into is they're applying it inappropriately to themselves in a way where it's not sustainable or it's not giving them the payback that they expect or their expectations are narrowly focused on just the scale and they're not observing the full breadth of what becoming more fit and healthy can do for you. Or I think a last one is one that, man, you personally have really helped me with, is you look so gross, Deloney. You have to beat yourself up because this is what you get. This is what you deserve for looking like this. And if you exercise and you don't, just beat yourself up, well even you're grosser in your character on top of not looking right and so all dude thank you so much we're gonna we're gonna link to if everybody listening i talk about this all the time but um the maps program mind pump are the ogs in the space for if you want a particular

workout to follow to take all the guesswork out. You can piecemeal stuff together by Googling everything under the sun. And if you're like me, you've probably spent more time trying to Google and piecemeal a workout together than actually just going to the gym and doing what you need to do. Sal and his team have taken all the guesswork out. They've got the best programs on the planet. And I know that because I use them in my house. Multiple programs. And once I get this nagging shoulder injury taken care of, dude,

I can't wait to get on old man strength, man. It's going to be an awesome. I can't wait. Can't wait. But, Sal, thank you and your gang, Adam and Justin and Doug, the whole team for putting out such extraordinary stuff. And for finally, dude, telling the truth about all this. Thank you so much.

You got it, my brother. All right, take care. Hey, everybody. We'll link to Mind Pump and all the workouts in the show notes. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my 80s. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids in some WWE style wrestling match into my 90s. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free,

and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code DELONI. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash DELONI and code DELONI for 20% off. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Chris.

Hey, Chris, what's up? Hey, John. How's it going? I'm doing fantastic, my man. What are you up to? Hey, I'm on's it going? I'm doing fantastic, my man. What are you up to? Hey, I'm on lunch break right now, but I got a question or I guess more of a, I think it's motivated to lose weight. And despite worries from family and doctors, doctor, every time I go into the doctor's office, they say my BMI is off the charts. What is it?

And all that. 50 something, which is not good. I know. Okay. Um, but the kicker is, um, back in high school, I was, I was basically a gym rat. Um, really? Cause it was the only way I was going to make and get playing time on the football team. Like I remember coaches actually tell me to stop lifting for fear of overtraining or injuring myself. So the motivation has been there for me in the past. I just can't find that constant motivation that I used to have back in high school when I was constantly playing sports all the time. Well, man, it takes a lot for a grown man. How old are you, brother? in high school when I was constantly playing sports all the time. Yeah. Well, man, it takes a lot for a grown man.

How old are you, brother? I am 33. Okay. It takes a lot for a 33-year-old man to call in and say, I'm stuck. So I applaud you, my brother. Congratulations, dude. Thanks. That's awesome. I'm going to ask you a weird question. Congratulations, dude. Thanks. It's awesome.

I'm going to ask you a weird question. Is that okay? Okay, yeah, go ahead. We're going to start talking about motivation. We're not going to end here, but I want to start with it. What did playing time in high school sports, high school football, what did that get you? Just

it felt worth it when I would uh playing games more than others and also just yeah it felt rewarding it felt like the hard work was paying off how did you get that reward did did your old man pat you on the back did your mom smile real big did the coaches grab your face mask and say i'm proud of you like how did that reward come to you? Oh, it was self-rewarding. Oh, I, no, no family, no coaches were pushing me. It was, it was all me that was pushing myself like this. Like I said, the coaches would tell me, Hey, Hey, Chris, stop working out. You're going to hurt yourself.

We're afraid, afraid you're going to overheat when, when you're doing all these extra sprints in the summer before two-a-day start. This was all my own personal mentality. And it was just, I mean, your mom and dad didn't high-five you a little bit extra or anything like that? No, I would actually get mad at my mom when she would text me after losses. My mom was always positive, and I would get mad at her when she was trying to cheer me up after losses. I just wasn't in the mood to hear it. Okay. So you graduated high school. Then what happened? Then where'd you go? Went to college at

West Virginia University. Then all the... And that's where all the weight gain started from doing normal things that a college student would do. But I would also, I would play on the club rugby team in the spring. They had a fall season, but I went to college to get into sports broadcasting. So in the fall, I was busy covering the football team. So I would just play on the club rugby team in the spring. Okay. Well, sometimes it's as simple as this. In fact, I've met with some college athletes before who have to go through a period, this is my language, not theirs, of down-regulation.

They train so hard that their caloric intake, they can eat so much. If you want to Google like what Michael Phelps used to eat, it was like 10,000 calories a day and he was shredded because of his pool workouts were madhouse, right? And so college athletes often find, and like you mentioned, like intensive high school athletes often find that when the season is over, when those two days plus the extra weight room sessions, plus the workouts, plus the games, when those end abruptly, our eating habits often remain the same. And then you go to a college where you have a cafeteria plan. That's all you can eat. And man, that's a, that's a, it's just a recipe

for an almost overnight physiology change, right? Your body just changes and it's really hard to get that sucker back going again. Um, but you're 33 now. Right. And here's my bigger question. People who love you have said, hey, Chris, we're worried about you. Your doctors looked at you and said, brother, I'm worried about you. I make money when you're not well and I'm worried about you.

The one person that's not worried about Chris is Chris. How come? I don't know. That's why I was calling you to see what type of mental block this is or try a different approach. I've looked up all this stuff. I understand eat a bunch of protein. No, no, no, no.

Hold on. Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. It has nothing to do with that right now. Okay. None of that. I don't know if you heard the previous call with my friend, Sal DeStefano of Mind Pump. And I, and I want to, uh, I want to strongly encourage you to begin listening to that show. Um, okay. But he's the one who told me, Hey, John, you can't,

you can't long-term workout and exercise and eat right because you think you're gross. So, Chris, you're not going to be able to maintain, I want to lose weight because these people are telling me I have to. In fact, most of the data would suggest that even facing a terminal diagnostic, if you don't do this, you're going to die. That is often not enough of a primer for behavior change. It has to be Chris believes I'm worth feeling good when I wake up. I want to sleep really well.

I don't know if you're married or not, but I want my marriage to be wild and fun. I want to be able to roll around on the ground with my grandkids, with my own kids. And that starts with you looking in the mirror and saying, I'm worth feeling good. And that means I'm worth taking care of myself. It's the same as saving money. I don't want to be on government subsidies when I'm 65 years old simply because I spent all my money as a kid.

So that's why I'm going to save some of my money. Right. Right? It's because I value future me. So my question to you is not about protein intake and exercise programs and all that. That stuff, quite honestly, is simple. The harder thing is, Chris, why don't you think you're worth feeling well? Honestly, I can't think of an answer.

Okay. I know I need to do it. No, it's not about that. It's about, do you like the life you've created for Chris? I like everything except for my weight right now. Okay. Are you married? No, I am single.

Okay. And living alone. Okay. Are you lonely as bloody hell? Yeah, I would say so if I'm looking at dogs on the dog shelter websites every day yeah you have a group of

of dude buddies y'all hang out with on a regular basis once a week y'all go hang out yeah tell jokes

yeah play dominoes make fun of each other a little bit check in with each other oh yeah yeah play dominoes make fun of each other a little bit check in with each other uh yeah i think the question to answer here is um is chris is chris worth a better life and here's why that's an important question and i'm going to

answer for you the answer is yes there's no question in my mind here's why that's an important question. And I'm going to answer it for you. The answer is yes. There's no question in my mind. Here's why that's important. Looking for motivation is a waste of your time. Because motivation comes and goes, man. It's like great weather. Every once in a while, the weather is just stunning. And you stop. And you just take it all in.

But most of the time, it's a little cold. It's a little hot. It's way too cold. It's way little hot. It's way too cold. It's way too hot. It just kind of is. Motivation is not a sustainable life force at all, ever. In fact, motivation is designed to keep you from dying, which is an emergency flush the system.

Get out of here. Go run right now. But discipline, I keep showing up for my kids because I love them. And they're worth me showing up even when I would rather do anything than actually show up. I want to sleep. I want to rest. I want to go read this book. I want to go on a hunting trip.

I want to go do some other things. But man, my kids are worth a dad that shows up. So I'm going to show up. So I don't wait on motivation. I could care less about motivation. So here's my, um, I'm going to set you up and then I'm going to challenge you. Okay. Okay. Here's what I'm going to set you up with. My friend, Dr. Lane Norton, has the single best fitness tracker app on the planet. It's the one I use. It's the one Andrew Huberman uses. It's the one Dr. Norton himself created, and he uses it.

And he is a multi-time weightlifting champion and a PhD in nutritional physiology. Okay? It's the best of the best. I'm going to hook you up for a year for free. Okay? Okay. okay it's the best of the best I'm gonna hook you up for a year for free okay okay I'm also gonna hook you up with two of any of the workouts on mind pumps website they have a 15 minute program for busy people they've got an hour and a half program for people who are trying to

transform everything um I'm gonna hook you up with all of that that you need. Okay. Okay. And both Dr. Norton and, um, the mind pump, my, my friends at mind pump and, uh, Jordan Syatt, S Y A T T. You can follow him on Instagram. That's going to be all the nutritional advice you need. Okay. Okay. So here's what I've just solved for you. The workout plan done free. Um,. Stay on the line and we're going to hook you up with their contact information. They're going to hook you up with it. The tracking app to actually make sure your energy expenditure, which is nerd speak for making sure you are eating fewer calories than you're burning, done. Got that. And you want to just scroll on social media, done. Got you the guy to follow. Okay. So I've taken care of the nuts and bolts part here.

You never have to Google workout plan again. I got you. Mind Pump's got that taken care of. You never have to Google like protein ratio, done. Dr. Norton and Jordan Syed have got you on that, okay? Here's your homework assignment for me. Okay. I want you to write college graduate

Chris a letter. Dear Chris. Okay. I'm 30, you're 33 years old now and here's the life I've built for us. I live here.

Here's where I work. I'm not married. Trying to find a dog and if I'm being honest Chris there's going to be part of you that's kicking butt, doing good got a group of guy friends, we hang out got a good job, whatever

there's going to be part of you that your shoulders drop and there's some grief there because college graduate Chris probably had a different picture in his mind of 33 year old Chris. Is that fair? Definitely.

Okay. I want you to feel that, but I don't want that to be shame. I don't want you to beat yourself up for it. Cause here we are. Right. And now we got tools. And then I want you to write a second letter to 50 year old Chris. Dear Chris,

you're 33 and this is the day that we chose to change everything. I love you enough. I love my future wife enough. I love our future kids enough. I love my neighbors enough. I love those friends that I hang out with enough. I love our future kids enough. I love my neighbors enough. I love those friends that I hang out with enough. I'm going to feel good in my life. I love my customers enough and my business. I'm going to start feeling good. Bro, don't go start a four-hour workout program

tomorrow morning. I want you to commit to going for a walk four times a week for 10 or 15 minutes. That's it. Okay. I want you to start to going for a walk four times a week for 10 or 15 minutes. That's it. Okay. I want you to start drinking some more water. And once you get that done for 30 days, we're going to add a few more.

Then we're going to add a couple more. Then we're going to add a couple more. I'm in better shape right this minute in my mid-40s than I was in my mid-30s. And I didn't get there overnight. It took me a decade. Okay? Mm-hmm. The last homework assignment,

so you got two letters to write. Mm-hmm. Is I want you to go to the mirror every single day for 30 days. And I want you to make a fist in your right hand and I want you to put it in your chest. And I want you to look yourself in the eyes, in the mirror, and say 10 times, I love this guy. And I want you to drop your shoulders and relax.

I want you to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and put your hand in your chest. I want you to say, I love this guy. Because somewhere along the way, you lost that spark, not for the world, but for Chris. Mm-hmm. Is that fair?

Yeah, that's fair. Is it sounding cheesy or is it touching a nerve? No, it definitely sounds achievable. Okay. I believe in you. And by the way, the way you were living in high school

Wasn't healthy either We're not going back to that Right Okay Being a maniac On either side of the teeter-totter Isn't helpful What we're looking for is

A really healthy 50 year old Chris That loves waking up every morning Oh yeah it doesn't feel like exercise But I'm gonna go do something really healthy 50-year-old Chris that loves waking up every morning. Oh, yeah, it doesn't feel like exercise, but I'm going to go do something. I'm going to go get it in. I'm going to put some money in the bank for Chris because I love Chris. And then when I love Chris,

then Chris is able to love his family and his friends and his community and his neighbors. Does that sound fair? Yeah, that's fair. Thank you. All right, two other things I'm going to do. I'm going to send you a copy of my latest book, Building a Non-Anxious Life.

Also, I want you to read that book. I'm also going to send you a copy of my friend Ken Coleman's book, Paycheck to Purpose. Because almost always when somebody starts down on an adventure of asking themselves, why don't I like myself? I'm a pretty good guy. I want to take an inventory of the life I've built for myself. You start asking yourself relationship questions,

physical and mental health questions, and then you start asking yourself occupation questions. Do I like this job? Is this job killing me? And so that book is asking yourself. It's an inventory. It's a path to a job, a place where you spend a lot of your day.

This is what I want to do. This is the best way I can serve my community, help people down the road with business solutions, and make a great living for myself. So I'm going to hook you up, man. I'm going to give you all the tools, and I want you to write your old self a letter, your future self a letter,

and I want you to take your present self and look in the mirror and say, dude, I am worth this. Happy New Year, my brother. Call me in about six months when everything changes. I cannot wait. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today

at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back for another installment of Am I the Problem? It's me. Is it me? Is it me? Yes. Am I the problem? It's me. Hi. Okay, so this one comes from Anna. She says, my husband wants me to visit him for a weekend while he's on orders in a different state. I have a four and a one-year-old, and I don't think I'm ready to leave them for a whole weekend just yet, especially while I'm still nursing the one-year-old. It seems unfair to put this on them just for the sake of having time for us. I've been home alone with them since he left six months ago. We still have four months to go.

I feel like leaving was hard enough on them to now left six months ago. We still have four months to go. I feel like leaving was hard enough on them to now add mom leaving too. So I'm physically exhausted. And the last thing that I need is a date night. Am I the problem? I need him to come back so they can have daddy and I can get some, wait, what? I need him to come back so they can have daddy time and I can get some sleep. Am I the problem? Oh, I might break the internets with this one, but I think yes, she is. Oh man, I'm getting in trouble for this one. Yeah, I do. Here's why. The idea that he's on deployment on orders and he's not tired too, isn right he is he's exhausted and he misses his wife and she's wrangling a one-year-old still nursing and what was the how old was the other one four four yeah

her life is a human hurricane and is it bonkers too yes but playing it you know what really needs to happen he needs to get his butt back home here man, that's tough. It's not like he's out golfing all day so, um when it comes to like Cognitive development or neural development for the kids. They're gonna be fine. They'll be just fine call a grandparent call a friend and um leave some leave some leave some Milk for the kids

and go be with your husband. The bigger question is, do you go be with your husband or not? Go for it. Yeah, I mean, it's just for a weekend. It's not like she's leaving them for a week anyways. Yeah. I mean, she also added at the end,

she said, I think he's being selfish and it feels like one more person to add to the list of needs and demands that I need to listen to, which I don't agree with in any way. I don't agree with that, but here's what I think. I think when somebody finds themselves in that spiral where somebody's reaching out to say, I love you, I'd love to see you, the government will not allow me to leave where I'm at right now. I want to see you. Let's make this thing happen. And your first thought is you selfish son of a, that tells me that we're not experiencing reality, right? So let's get a

friend and talk to somebody and let's begin to ask those questions. And if, um, connecting with your romantic partner, even over a weekend is, um, makes you feel that way, then there's some relationship challenges we need to work through. we need to be honest about those now If he has been sending a bunch of dude, we're gonna have a crazy like sexcapade getaway and That is not so like I can't i'm not in for that right now. That's totally fine. Say that say that but Not wanting to say here's what I need right now, and instead turn around and say,

this guy, that doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel right. Also, internets. I'm not saying that her life is in chaos and hell. I'm not saying that she, he deserves a weekend sex companion. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying if,

I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I want to see his wife after six months. I want to see his family. I want to reach out. And because he can't leave, yeah, I think trying to figure out a way that we can make this thing happen, that feels right to me. It feels right. Jenna, you? I agree. She's the problem. It's her. You said it, not me. Hey, I love you guys.

Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.