The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Keeps Hiding Money From Me

Episode Date: October 6, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman who caught her husband hiding money from her - A man who feels like he has no self-worth - A woman disenchanted by the church To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I discovered that he was putting the money aside and it was a large amount of money, like $40,000. It sounds like y'all need a control alt delete on how y'all communicate with one another and how y'all handle money inside your own house. What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. This is book launch week for building a non-anxious life. It's a book that just follows the show.

It completely reimagines, hey, what if your body is not a train wreck? What if you're not broken? What if your body is actually working exactly as it should and the world we've created is insane? It makes no sense for our bodies. What if that's the case? So check it out. Go to johndeloney.com, Building a Non-Anxious Life. This is the week.

And let me just give you some behind-the-scenes stuff. The reason this is important for pre-sale and for that first week is all of pre-sale and that first week of sales adds up to your week one sales. And that's what decides whether you make the bestseller list or not. And it just helps escalate the conversation about the book. So if you're thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, go grab it anywhere books are sold. It's in all the stores. It's on the internets.

It's at johndeloney.com, Amazon. It's everywhere. But go check it out. And if you're just now joining us, we have had a run of the largest influx of people ever. It just feels like the 17 finally did your jobs, the original 17 listeners. And man, we are getting thousands and thousands and thousands of new listeners.

If you are new, we're so grateful you're here. This show is about mental health, emotional health, relationships, how to be well, parenting, schools, everything you can think of, what's going on in your job, all of the things that affect us on the day-to-day basis. And I spent 20 years sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off, when they don't know what to do next. And so my promise is I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what do we do next? What's your next right move? Because life comes at us hard and it comes at us fast and it is all over the place.

So if you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real problems. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK or go to one call, call 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and we will holler back girl at you. I ain't no holler back girl. Eh, you probably are. All right, let's go out to Robbie and welcome to Miami, Florida. What's up, Robbie?

Hi, Dr. John. I'm excited to talk to you today. I am more excited to talk to you. What's up? So my question is how can trust be restored, and if it's that possible, and how can we do it? What happened?

So I've been married for eight years, and when we had our son in 2019, everything was kind of slowing down because of the pandemic, right? My husband, he led me to believe that we were going

through some financial problems and stuff like that. Hey, Robbie, talk directly into the phone for me, okay? Yes. There you go. Perfect. Okay. Your husband is leading you to believe that y'all are going through some significant financial difficulties? Yes.

Okay. So I picked up extra jobs, extra shifts, and I was doing everything I could to help. And everything I got from those jobs, I would give it to him to could to help and everything I got from, you know, from those jobs, I would give it to him to help pay bills and everything. And then a couple of years after I discovered that he was putting the money aside and it was a large amount of money, like $40,000. So he told you, like $40,000. Okay. So he told you, hey, we're broke.

I need you to get on the horn. So you have this newborn and you go get one job, two job, three jobs, and you're working like crazy. Is he working like crazy too? Yeah. Okay. So y'all are working, working, and you think y'all are just treading water. Turns out he has a secret account with $40,000 in cash.

Yes. What was he doing with that money? Well, he said he was just saving it for emergencies and anything, but I had no idea about this money or the account. I had no access to it, so it kind of seemed shady to me. Okay, so it kind of seemed shady to me. And okay, so we talked through it and then we used the money to

put down on a house for us. And then a few years later, he's doing it again. So I kind of... What is it about your home that you don't know on a week to week, month to month

basis, what the, your financial situation is, what the bills are and how much money's coming in. Like, I'm trying to think how I could pull this off with my wife. And I couldn't because we share a checking account and we talk on a regular basis about how much money my paycheck is going to be. I work on commission. So how much money is, how many books we sell, right? How many speaking gigs I got. So, um, we, I know, and then the electric bill comes and then the water bill, we don't have water bill cause we live out in the, in the, on the moon, but we've got all these bills, insurances and things. So I'm wondering with you, how would you not know or have some context? If he comes to you and says, we're broke, we're broke, wouldn't you know?

Like, no, we're not. Yeah, I didn't care much, you know, because he used to handle all finances. And I would work part-time and use whatever I got to, you know, take the kids for a fun day or something like that. So I never worried about too much because I never thought, you know, this would happen. And, um, now I'm more cautious of it. And because of it too, everything that he does seems a bit shady to me. Yeah.

Hold on. This is going to sound strange, but I'm going to kind of defend him a little bit. And I'm only defending him because he's not on the phone. If he was on the phone, I'd be having words with him, but he's not here, okay? Yeah. You don't participate. And in fact, you keep your money.

You have your job. He has his job. I'm assuming his job pays for all the bills of the house, takes care of everything, and your part-time job just was fun money for you and the kids. No, I help at the home too. Okay. All right. So you're putting it in the central pot also, but by your own words, you're not involved. You're not participating. You're just putting money into an account. And he says, I got it. And you're like, great. I don't want to deal with it. I don't think about it.

And so when he decides to handle it how he wants to handle it, because he's on his own out there. And in fact, most of the time people call this show, their husband has spent $40,000 gambling or on escorts or something. Not putting it into an account as a giant emergency fund for the family. So I'm not going to say what he did was right. And he did it without you knowing. And maybe he said we're broke because he has a goal of $50,000 because he wants to get us out of a, get y'all house.

And so it sounds like y'all need a control alt delete on how y'all communicate with one another and how y'all handle money inside your own house. Okay. There's one piece of information. Okay. So we are not originally from the U.S. Okay.

We were born in South America. Okay. And this money, it was not in account here. So it was an account in his country that our country that only him and his mom had access to it. Maybe that's why that was a big problem for me. Yeah. So is he sending money home? Yes. I know that's a huge, um, I mean, that's a super, super common thing that people come to the States and then send a ton of money home. He just did it without talking to you? Yes, exactly.

So let me ask you this, and this is a hard question. Again, he's not on the phone, only you are. So I'm asking you, I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you, but you're the only one here. No, yeah, I understand. If he was to come down and sit with you and say, I feel a deep obligation in my soul to help take care of my mom. Or honey, I'm scared. Bills are piling up. I'm hearing about this thing called COVID. I'm hearing about this thing called inflation. I don't understand. I need us to have a season

where you go work two or three jobs and I know you're going to miss the baby, but we need this. I'm going to put in overtime. How would you respond to that? Would you say, oh, absolutely. I'm a hundred percent in on our marriage and on what we're building here in the States. Or would you say, uh, not doing any of that? I don't know. I will be completely on board. Okay. Okay. So the reason I'm asking that is sometimes if our partner's not safe, if the person that we're doing life with isn't safe, whether that's with secrets, whether that's with fears, whether that's with money, whether that's with whatever, it's common that we create another world just to exist, right? We have to carve a little bubble of safety out in our lives. That doesn't sound like that's happening here. So can you rebuild trust?

1,000% yes. But you cannot do it without two key ingredients for rebuilding trust. Number one, everybody has to come to the exact same table and put everything out on the table. All the secret accounts, all of your wants and needs. He's going to say, I need to take care of my mom. And you're going to say, I want you and me to build a life in the States, right? You have to put all of that stuff on the table. The second thing is, if you say the person who feels deceived, my husband told us we were broke. He actually was secretly saving money so we could buy a house, secretly saving money so we could be safe.

But he didn't tell you and he may have lied to you about it or hinted around it. And he was also giving money to his mom without telling you, whatever. We call that financial infidelity. Okay. So let's say he cheats on you with money.

And if you choose to stay, the second thing is you cannot continue to beat him up every day of the week moving forward. If you choose to stay, you choose to go all in again also. Yeah, yeah, I definitely, I don't do that. I understand. It's just, I don't feel like, you know, I completely trust him. Absolutely. But have you sat down and said, here's what I need to trust you.

I need access to all the accounts. I needed an accounting for all of our money on a weekly basis on a budget meeting every week okay is he doing that uh sometimes he tries to get out of it but yeah okay most of the time this type of issue is not money related this type of issues other things are going on too okay is that true about your marriage or is your marriage perfect other than the fact that he's secretly saving money without telling you where it is. Oh, perfect. That's right. Usually this sort of divide, this sort of disagreement on how we're going to be a steward of the resources that we have, it sounds like you'll both work your butts off. You're both hard workers, right?

Yes. And you both love your baby? Yes, we have two kids. Okay. But is he a good dad? Yeah. Okay. But is he a good dad? Yeah. Okay. Sounds like you'll need to sit down and say,

who do we want to be and what do we want this to look like? Mm-hmm. Okay. If I gave you two tickets to the money in marriage event that me and Rachel Cruz are putting on here in Nashville, would y'all be able to make it up here? There's $799 tickets. I'll give you two,

one for you and one for your husband if y'all want to come. It's a weekend marriage retreat. That's awesome. You have to find someone to keep your kids and it's in October. You can stay on the line and Jenna will get you hooked up

with the details. It's October 23, I think, that weekend, if I'm not mistaken. But we have a few tables left and I'll give you one of them. And it would be a whole weekend how to learn to come together as a couple. We're talking about sex and intimacy and all that.

We're also gonna talk about how to handle your money and how to handle your money together and how to dream about what you want your life to look like and reverse engineer that into the present and build it forward. Would you be into that? Oh yeah, that's awesome. Thank you so much. All right. So hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with those two tickets. If you're not going to come though, let us know because those tickets are really valuable. They're selling out real fast. And so if you're not going to be able to

make it up here, I understand coming from Miami to Nashville, that's a big commitment, both in travel and in getting childcare and stuff. But if y'all want to come, I'd love you to be able to make it up here. I understand coming from Miami to Nashville, that's a big commitment, both in travel and in getting childcare and stuff. But if y'all want to come, I'd love you to be my guest. And we'll at least give y'all the tools to put all of these questions on the table that y'all are going to address. But for everybody else, listen, if you want to rebuild trust, number one, everything's got to be on the table, all the secrets. The second thing is, if y'all choose to stay, you choose to work hard to rebuild the trust. And I'm going to be on the table. All the secrets. The second thing is, if y'all choose to stay, you choose to work hard to rebuild the trust. And I'm going to add a third one.

You both have to be very clear about what you need to help rebuild trust. That's it. Those three things have to happen if you want to rebuild trust. And then it's just going to take time. There's going to be ups and downs, two steps forwards, five steps back. He's going to have a glance. She's going to turn over her cell phone. He's going to put some money in the thing. He's going to give money at his local. It's just, it's just, it's a, it's a thing y'all are going to do together as you grow together. But can you rebuild trust? Absolutely. Yes. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially

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every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by

yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Richmond, Virginia, and talk to an aluminum baseball bat, Easton.

What's up, Easton? Hey, John. What's up, Easton? Hey, John. What's up? Good to talk to you, man. I am starstruck right now. I don't know about you. Dude, I don't get to talk to somebody named after baseball bats very often, Easton,

so it's great to talk to you. It's fantastic. What's up, man? It's an honor. Thank you, thank you. So first I want to say, and this ties into that you, you and your show played a huge role in

saving my marriage after infidelity and, and helping my wife and I build it into something completely new and so much better. So I really want to thank you to internet. Thank you for that. We, we're actually coming down to Nashville in October to come see the marriage getaway. That's fantastic, man. This show is turning into uh, marriage getaways. That's fantastic. Yeah. So this show is turning into a big, uh, marriage retreat commercial. That's awesome. I'm glad you're coming, dude. Um, I think it'll be sold out by the time this podcast airs, but, um, dude, that's fantastic. We can't wait to see you. It's going to be a blast. Thanks. Yeah. We're, we're, we're stoked.

Very cool, man. So what's up, man? How can I help? All right. So the big question i've got for you today is how do i start loving myself um and then i've got got some context if you want as well go for it all right so i'll talk to that because i'm super nervous no bring it that's good so as long as i can remember i haven't really liked myself for a long time i hated myself i was i was a fat kid in school i was was awkward. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, that kind of stuff. And I worked on really avoiding that and just kind of ignoring the voices in my head telling me I wasn't good enough. But when my wife was

unfaithful, it really brought those voices back to the forefront. And they've just been screaming at me ever since. I've gotten really good at kind of logicking my way out of it that, all right, that's probably not true, but it's been really hard for me to really believe that, I guess, in my heart. And so I'm at a point now where I don't hate myself. I know I'm not terrible, but I cannot fathom loving myself. And I just don't even know where to start with that. Um, and that's why I called in today. Dude, that's awesome. Um, I think by the time this airs, um, it will, I will have, I've been doing a ton of media lately, so I don't remember which, if I've said this on this show, but I'll go ahead and say it here. Um, and this is me being as open as I can too. Okay. Um

We did a study a while ago we did a survey and asked a lot of our audience, you know What's your favorite things about the show? What do you not like etc? One of the very top things that people don't like about this show They get frustrated with is i'm always telling people that you're worth being loved and you have to start any sort of lifestyle transformation from a place of I care about myself enough to go be a steward of my money my body my relationships, whatever and their chief complaint was That I talk to myself so badly on this show

I'm, always making jokes about, always laughing about this and that. So I tell you that to tell you. About six or seven months ago, not very long ago, I was meeting with a therapist and she asked me to make a fist and put it in my chest and say the words,

I love this guy. And dude, I couldn't do it. At first it was funny. I was like, ah, stupid. And she couldn't do it at first it was funny i was like ah stupid and she goes do it and i was like no come on now this is somebody who i have told things i've never told anyone on planet earth ever and she said i'm gonna sit here and wait and so i put my hand in my chest and i smiled but it wasn't a happy smile it was i'm smiling so hard to keep from sobbing. I can't say those words And she said that's where you're going to start She said as cheesy as this sounds you're going to look in the mirror and start practicing saying the words. I love this guy and

That's where I started Okay, so that's number one. It's got to be something you practice practice. And I know it sounds insane, but you got to practice it. Okay? So that's your homework assignment. Even if you have to fake it, act like you're a theater major and you're doing a performance. That's fine. Underneath that performative, like just saying the words, I love this guy. You said something really important that I want you to hang on to You said voices all say alarms

but there's something really remarkable about the human mind in that when it Sounds the alarms or it starts speaking up stories and voices in our heads And it's trying to get us away from something. It's scared of like a bunch of kids calling you fatso or a bunch of kids calling you fatso, or a bunch of teachers telling you that your grades aren't good enough, or a mom and dad saying, don't say that, or you're going to make your dad mad, and or dude, don't do that again, young man, because your mom gets really pissed off when you do that. And you learn at seven years old that it's your job to make sure mom and dad are okay. When that happens and you avoid those situations, your body wins because it stayed alive. It avoided them. And what does it do? It reinforces those voices. It makes the alarms

louder and louder and louder. And so in your case, the only way through this is through it on a foundation of a bunch of little bitty wins. So give me an example of something you don't like about you. What is something that you feel is unlovable? First thing that comes to mind, I've just struggled with my whole life is definitely my body, my weight. Against what standard? Uh, I guess just, you know, seeing, uh, seeing other people, even just like normal people in the street, not even just like movie stars or something. Just, I know like, man, they look good in those clothes and look pretty cool. And I wish I could.

And I, I don't, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I don't, I could, and I wouldn't aren't true statements. So what is, are you overweight? I am. Okay. How much so? Maybe 30 pounds or so. So after high school, I worked real hard. I lost like 60 pounds

and I was back at a healthy weight and just since, you know, over the past 10 years or so, it's just been taken back up. Yeah. So let's go with a, yeah, that makes sense. Cause my guess is right after high school, you worked out really hard cause you hated that you didn't look good. Yeah. And you went to the gym every day to show because you hated your body and that is simply not sustainable my friend Sal DiStefano he told me that in a private conversation and the reason I ask up against what standard is

because I've struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life and I'm comparing myself to whatever the next standard is whatever line I cross like oh I look good now I'm comparing myself to whatever the next standard is. Whatever line I cross, like, oh, I look good now, I'm always on to, well, it's not Brad Pitt. You know what I mean?

It's like as soon as you pass Brad Pitt, it's like, well, I'm not that model. And for you, it's not 100 pounds. It's not 60 pounds. Well, I'm 30 pounds. And when you play that game, the line will always move. My promise to you is if you lost 40 pounds tomorrow morning and you woke up with a six pack abs, the line would move on you because you hadn't dealt with the underlying thing. Until you can get to a place where you say, I love Easton, so I'm going

to take care of Easton. I love myself enough to go give myself an hour every morning of walking. I love myself enough. I'm just going to pass on the donuts. Do you see how different that is? That's a lifetime. That's sustainable. Yeah. That's how parents work 12 hours a day, seven days a week because they love their kids.

It's for something. It's not against something. So you're overweight. And with that comes all the shame of I should be working out. I should be not eating this. I look terrible. And then your wife goes and cheats on you. And it just confirms every one of those gnarly stories you've been telling yourself for years, right? Yep. Tell me how that went. It was interesting. I didn't discover it or anything. She had the courage to tell me.

And luckily, we're both big fans of your shows. And so I'd heard a bunch of episodes about people talking about being cheaters and kind of what it's like on that side. And so it worked real hard to have love and patience and grace for her, and she really appreciated that. And so I think I started looking at, too, she made a decision and she made mistakes, but it wasn't, I guess, wasn't by herself. I kind of played a role in creating an environment

that maybe made those mistakes easier to make. I was working too much. And even when I wasn't at work, I was at work in my head. So there was a lot of guilt there. paired with the alarms of the voices telling me, oh, yeah, of course you did, because you're not worth loving. Sorry. No, you're good, man. It was easier to say I forgive you,

because it was just me. Like, it didn't matter if I was hurt. Did you ever get enraged? A couple of times, not for long. Hold on, hold on. You need to spend some time being really, really angry. Let me be super clear. You did not deserve to be cheated on, man. I don't care how overweight you are. I don't care how much you work to provide for your wife and your family. I don't care how overweight you are. I don't care how much you work to provide for your wife and your family. I don't care how much of an addict you are to busyness. You didn't deserve to be cheated on.

And I'm all, dude, I'm all about grace and forgiveness and let's figure it out. I've been married 21 years, man. I am only here because my wife is somebody who believes in grace and forgiveness, and let's try again, let's try again. But you didn't deserve this, man. Nobody deserves to have their soul ripped out like that. My fear for you is,

you went, yeah, that makes sense. I can see that, because I'm such a piece of crap. And that's not true. It's almost as though the person most invested in taking care of you and defending you is just kind of giving up on you, and that's you. What's the origin story of that? Who told you you weren't worth fighting for?

I guess I've just been hearing it. Not in those exact words, but most of my life. Kids at school weren't terrible. They were kids. Stop, stop. You keep blowing it off. Listen, brother. My closest friends on the planet,

my bestest, bestest friends for years, 40-year-plus friendships, used to tackle me when we were in grade school, and they would have little sticks and pine needles, and they would poke on all my zits because I had bad acne. And to this day, I struggle with that. And dude, we were kids. They were my friends. We were playing. I made fun of them because they were little. They made fun of me because I was humongous. I made fun of them because of X. They made fun of me because I had zits. And to this day, so you can't tell me like, ah,

they're just kids. That stuff still hurts and it stays with you forever, right? Yeah. Until you finally are honest with yourself about how much you were hurt, you're going to continue having to build these little duct tape bridges, these duct tape lily pads for you to walk over the swamp that is your life. I think it would be good for you to spend some time being honest. My mom said this and that sucked. She shouldn't have said that. My dad used to say this and this and he would hit me here and do this. That was the worst. And my mom treated my dad so bad. Or my dad spent all, you have to be honest. Those kids said these things, man, and they are still in there. Can you do that?

I feel like I'm getting worked up in your behalf. I care about you feeling bad, I think, more than you do. I think so. Have you heard of the learned helplessness experiment they did with the dogs? Yeah, yeah, actually. That's you. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, there was an experiment done where they had,

I'm going to butcher it, but they put dogs in a cage and the floor delivered electric shocks. And in short order, if there was no way for the dogs to get out, the dogs just sat there and took it. Even when they provided a way for the dogs to get out and move to another part of that cage where there was no electric shocks, the dogs just sat in it. They just sat

in it. They just got shocked and shocked and shocked. The other part of the experiment was when they would turn it on and it would be intermittent. The dogs learned, all right, I can get out of this. I can get out of this. I'm going to keep fighting. I can keep moving. And you just learned to sit there and take electric shocks, brother. And so let me flip this whole thing around. What is something that you do better than anybody else? And don't say nothing because that's not true.

I am a phenomenal budgeter. Okay. I'll tell you that. Incredible. That tells me that you're a planner, and you're disciplined, and you're consistent about the few things in life you can actually control. What else are you great at? Are you good at your job? I don't know.

People tell me I am. Is everyone just conspiring to lie to you? They all send emails to each other like, oh God, here comes Easton. Let's just tell him he's great again. I don't know. That's just what I hear in my head too. I know that's insane, I don't know. That's just what I hear in my head too,

that I know that's insane, but okay. So I believe it. Um, I don't, I don't think you believe it. I think it protects you. And you and I could sit here for a long time and probably go back to some places where the things you were good at,

maybe you're good in choir. Maybe you're good at math. Those were the things that kids made fun of you about. I happen to be good at football and good at sprinting. And so those were things everyone high-fived in guitar. Those are things that high-fived me. People high-fived. My little brother was a savant at the cello, which is something that's easy to poke at. Maybe you're great at stuff that people poked at, whatever it happens to be. I think you actually believe your coworkers. I'm pretty good at this because you wouldn't stay 20 hours a day Because that's where you're getting your uh your affirmation from But I think you stay bubble wrapped in this

I got to tell myself it's not that good because I think something bad's going to happen if I finally lean into this thing That i'm good at Then it's going to come crashing down. They're going to make fun of me. And that's where I want you to begin to seek some little wins. You've listened to the show a lot. Have you kept a journal that says five things I'm grateful for? Not recently. I used to.

I want you to start a new journal. And it's five things I love about Easton. Every day. And I want you to tell your wife. She listens to the show too? Yep. Cool. Her job is to write down three to five things that she loves about you

and read them to you every day. Listen, you're going to have to feel somebody love you. And that feeling scares you to death, doesn't it? Yes, sir. Okay. That's the only path forward. The nerds call it vulnerability. I call it just being a human.

You are going to have to practice learning to hear somebody when they say you did you did a good job i love you i'm sorry and you go oh i deserved it no no i accept your apology because you hurt me bad bad bad and then how serious serious are you about changing um um reimagining an approach to your physical well-being? I'm serious. I don't want it so bad. Okay. I want you to do a few things, okay?

Sure. Number one, I just got back from San Jose. I'm spending some time with some of the greatest guys on the planet, the Mind Pump guys. I want you to make that podcast a regular listen, okay? San Jose, spending some time with some of the greatest guys on the planet, the Mind Pump guys. I want you to make that podcast a regular listen, okay? Okay. They are four guys from the fitness and health industry that are changing the conversation because the traditional meathead approach is not working. Second, my voice just cracked. I'm going through puberty here. Second, I want you to hang on the line

and Jenna's going to hook you up we're going to give you any of their workout programs that you want thank you their high dollar workout programs you can have any of them you want and I want you to treat them

like a budget you budget because it keeps you safe you budget because you want to make sure the 70 year old you has food. I want you to approach working out not as, this is what this fat body deserves.

That's so bad. Such a wrong approach. I want you to approach it, I want to be able to run and be silly with my grandkids when I'm 70. I'm going to start putting money in the account now. I deserve to feel good when I wake up, not ugh. Right? I deserve to feel good. And it's a weird way. It's chicken or the egg, man. Do you start the affirmations and start exercising? You start exercising and start feeling worthy of the affirmations. Do it all at the same time. I don't care. The second is, or the third is, I'm going to hook you up with my buddy, Dr. Lane Norton,

who's another incredible resource for nutrition. I'm going to hook you up with a one year of his carbon app. Okay. And by the way, I've got no affiliation to Mind Pump guys. I don't make a penny off those guys. I don't make a penny from Lane's stuff. Okay. I pay for his protein. I pay out of my own pocket for it. I won't even let him give it to me for free. Um, but I use a carbon app this morning. I want you to use it. And it's a good way to track nutrition and just to help you be accountable. Just like you track your expenses. Okay. Okay. I'm going to give you, those are two of the best tools out in the industry right now The final thing i'm gonna tell you is you have to um Write letters to the five-year-old you to the 10-year-old you to the 15-year-old you

Probably two to three to four pages and I want you to be honest about what you went through If you have to stop and weep great, but I want you to be honest about what you went through. If you have to stop and weep, great. But I want you to be honest about what you went through. I want you to be honest about what was said to you and how hard it was. And maybe in your 30-year-old state, you're like, I wasn't that big of a deal. But it was to you back then. So own it. Choose reality in that moment. Own it, own it, own it, own it, own it. And as you begin to stand a little taller, don't be surprised if you find yourself super angry that your wife cheated on you. You should be. That doesn't mean you go backwards, but that does mean you have to feel all the

emotions related to infidelity. They're hard and they ripple through your life for a long time. You don't have to believe it in this moment, in the shadows, that's cool, but we're over here in the light. And I don't lie on this show. You're worth being well and you're worth being loved, my brother. Thank you for the call. Thank you for the call.

Starts today. I'm going to see you in a month and I want you to be for the call. Starts today. I'm going to see you in a month. And I want you to be down the road. I'll be waiting for you. We'll be right back. All right, let's roll out to Minnesota and talk to JC. What's up, JC? Hi. Hi. What's up, JC? Hi. Hi. What's up? Hey, so I have a question.

My husband is a youth pastor. That's all you need to say. You just want to sit in silence for a while. And I have just been, I mean, we both have been, but I have just been verbally abused and just attacked at churches recently. And I just want to know, like... The church where y'all attend and where he works? Yeah, where he worked. He just finished his two weeks of resignation. Okay. Um, but it was just, it was just so bad that, um, and we still obviously want to do ministry because our hearts are in it, but it's just like,

how do we, when this is like what, I think this is like the third church that has just hurt us so bad. Um, and I guess I just want like help knowing how to like move forward from it all. Um, cause it's a lot. Um, yeah, I don't churches can be brutal, right? Yeah. Yeah. It was, um, I don't know if you want me to go into detail now. I'm not really sure how the process works. You can, but here's the thing. I don't know that it's instructive. I'll say it this way. It does matter what they did and what they said.

I don't think it matters for what I'm going to tell you. Okay? Okay. Two things here that I want you and your husband to spend some time reflecting on. Okay? Mm-hmm. One is the common denominator denominator the common denominator factor okay okay there's a common denominator factor that all of these were churches who have hurt you all these were people inside of churches that hurt you yeah there's also a common denominator factor that is y'all too.

And so I think it's wise for you both to spend some time before you go join another community, a church community, much less work at one, to ask yourself, what are we bringing to this equation that might be contributing to something? That's a fair question for you to ask. Similar to if somebody calls and says, I just keep getting dumped and keep getting dumped and keep getting dumped. At some point, it's not all their faults.

I always want to know, what do you bring into this dating table? Well, I'm kind of like this and I kind of... And so I want you to be honest about what y'all two, individually and collectively, bring to a church community right you might find nothing or you might find and you know that's not true of course you bring stuff but also you might um just be a wrong you have to be honest that this particular heritage this particular faith tradition isn't for us anymore. We've grown.

We're over here. We keep going to the faith tradition that makes us the most comfortable, expecting them to be way down the road where we are now. And we get mad that they're not. And we get mad. They get mad that we're mad. Whatever the story is, you have to be honest about where you are. Okay? The second thing is ministry does not have to be done at a full-time church.

Ministry can be how you tip the waitress. Ministry can be I work at Uber Eats and he works at a print shop and we honor and love everybody, especially the least of these. That's ministry too. Right. And unfortunately, churches don't have some of the same protections that you can't say certain things in a workplace. You can't just demean people in a workplace. Right.

Or you can't say, I'm praying for you because because and then spill a bunch of you know gossip and whatever poison on you right and so it might be time to say okay we're gonna we're still gonna do ministry quote unquote we're still going to be people who espouse our faith values to everyone all over the place but we're going to do it in a business we're going to do it as a small business we're going to do it cutting grass and we're going to do it as counselors we're going to do it in a business. We're going to do it as a small business. We're going to do it cutting grass and we're going to do it as counselors. We're going to do it in a change. Here's what I'm saying. Change your picture of what,

of what your core vision for your life is. Change the environment, change the picture of that. And at least spend time entertaining it might not be where you land, but at least spend time entertaining it. Because right now you keep sticking your hand back in the bag and getting bit by the same rattlesnake and you're so mad at the rattlesnake. And it's just looking at you going, that's what I do.

I bite people like you. Yeah. So give me an example of, of a thing the church did. Um, so the church, my husband just left. I was, I was an office manager there. And the church just let this one guy who wasn't even on staff, he just let this man call the current pastor at that time. We've gone through two pastors in like six months. But let him just totally attack them personally, verbally abusing them um just yelling at them

it's this guy who's been with the church for like 20 plus years and then he uh i'm the type of person who i like to follow the rules i i see people as black and white nerd just kidding totally kidding okay he kept trying to like not follow the rules in I sleep in black and white. Nerd. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. Okay. He kept trying to like not follow the rules in the office and everybody else has to. And I was the only one to like stand up to him and say, Hey, like I'm creating these processes for a reason me to follow these. And then I became a target. And then he, him and his friend of the church, who they both had some sort of leadership, but they weren't paid, called me a Nazi. They called me weak. They called me pathetic.

They told me and my coworker to shut up. And the church didn't do anything about it. I wrote two letters to the leadership team about it. Didn't hear anything. Our current pastor at the time ended up leaving. My husband, he was in a really hard spot because he loved his youth group and wanted to keep working there.

He was in a very easy spot. If people at a work environment where me and my wife are both employed, if somebody's treating my wife like that, that doesn't end well for anybody. Yeah. And I will, as Jesus says, I'm going to dust my sandals off. And as the great Jay-Z says, I'm going to brush my shoulders off. I'm out.

Bye, Felicia. We gone. Yeah. See what I'm going to brush my shoulders off. I'm out. Bye, Felicia. We going. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah. And like, it's shameful. And by the way, that is happening at churches all across the country. It's happening in elementary schools and at school board meetings, one or two or three absolutely power-starved,

maniacal idiots is ruining it for everybody. And until institutions like churches, like schools, like universities stand up and say, get out, what's going to happen is they're going to drive out every young, passionate person who is interested in caring about people, loving young people, loving old people, loving everybody, whether it's through an education, whether it's through public service, whether it's through their faith tradition, they're going to run them out because their leadership is cowards, cowards. And I'm sorry that happened to you. Yeah, and the church ended up,

they got a different interim pastor. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, sorry. You keep wanting to talk about your ex-boyfriend. You're married now. Oh. You're married now. You used to date somebody

and you keep going to Facebook to see who they're with, even though you're married. And then you heard he had a kid and you want to go find out what his kid looked like. Because at one point a long time ago, you imagined yourself having kids with him. And I'll tell you, I wouldn't give that church another thought. They've showed you what they think of you. They've shown you what they think of love and accountability and justice and doing

right by people. And they've shown their cowardice by hiding behind two loudmouthed morons who probably have nice checkbooks or like to wield scripture like a like a sword instead of like a manual, like a narrative operating guide for how to love the least of these.

Yeah. It says widows and orphans and hungry people, not you Nazi. Right? Yeah. It says widows and orphans and hungry people Not you Nazi Right Yeah So dude if you went to a grocery store And every time you walked in They were like oh here comes the Nazi witch And they threw fruit at you You would just leave

And you're like they're nuts Right I want you to treat this situation the same And maybe this is the time And I'm just picking treat this situation the same. And maybe this is a time, and I'm just picking this out of the moon. Don't overthink this, okay? But maybe this is a time when you rethink, sit down and ask your husband. Husband, I won't bite your head off.

I'll be honest. I mean, I'll, I will, I just need some honest truth. Am I too overbearing about rules? Do I hide? Do they protect me? Do I hide? Do I hang on to them too tightly? And he might go in a flinching way. Yeah.

Right. Maybe this is that season. And maybe you tell him, Hey, you hung on to that church too long. You broke my heart for a while. You chose the youth group over me. Yeah.

And you need to deal with that in your marriage. And it's real easy when you get that crossways that you're going to blame the church, you're going to get mad at these guys, but really that's just misdirected anger. You're really mad at your husband. You're heartbroken. Yeah. Did he ever confront that guy

that was coming by the office and causing all the problems? No. You got to start there. There is no but. You start there. He did confront the church as a whole. Nope.

Nope. Okay. If a man walks into the place where me and my wife both work And he sends my wife out in tears because he was calling her names just for doing her job He'll deal directly with me And i'm not saying that in some beefcake flex off. I'm not talking about We're gonna do a pose down. I'm gonna fight him in a church parking lot What i'm saying is i'm going to go have that conversation. And your husband didn't do that. And there's part of you

inside wondering, am I worth rescuing? Yeah. And you got to start there. Leave the church out of this stuff. There's idiots everywhere. Every organization on the planet has extraordinary, wonderful people in idiots. And occasionally the idiots run the place. I also know, by the way, there's some really extraordinary churches out there doing amazing things. Right. Okay.

But the question you have to ask is husband, why, why? When I looked over my shoulder, why weren't you standing there? When this guy was in there yelling, when this, him and his knuckleheaded buddy were in there hollering at me and saying these things about me, why weren't you at their front door of their homes? Why weren't you on the phone with them?

Am I worth so little? That's where you start. That's a girl with a broken heart. And you're not crazy and you're not misguided. And I'm not overly zealous. Sorry this happened. Sorry it happened. For many of us, including myself here,

it's very hard to wind up occupation, work, the HR part of employment, and my faith, and my faith journey, and my love of teaching, and my love of helping hurting people, and people who throw grenades just because that gives them the only little like shred of power they have in their miserable, tiny little lives. It's hard. And so, professional ministry is not for everybody. Just not. And that's all right.

Formula One racing isn't for everybody. Janitorial services isn't for everybody. Only a select few who can do excellence when nobody's watching. So you and your husband go on a quick weekend retreat. You'll ask each other, you ask yourselves, what do we bring to this? Where were you, hon? Where were you? And give him permission to speak into you because I'm sure he's got some thoughts on you too. And then ask yourselves, what does ministry look like for us not in a church?

What does employment look like for us somewhere not in a church? And at least just sit with that for a while. It might not be where you land, but at least sit with it. Because right now this is one, two, church three. There's a pattern like quickly emerging. And when we see trend lines, when we see patterns often,

let's just stop what we're doing right now. So the pattern doesn't get, the trend doesn't get any worse. Maybe we do something completely different and see if that reverses the trend. So sorry this happened to you, JC. Institutions, churches, colleges, elementary schools, school boards, if you do not immediately start standing up

to the idiots on each side of the aisle, on every side of the socioeconomic scale, if you don't start standing up to the few loud lunatics, you're going to lose everybody. Everybody. They're just going to take their ball and go home. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices

that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back as we wrap up today's show. We're going to do an am I the problem? Is it me? Go for it. Yes. So this is a reminder. Send these in. Put in the subject line or in the email. Am I the

problem? Keep them short. And we want people to respond how if they think this person is the problem, put it in social or in the reviews for the show. There we go. Let's do it. Hi, John. My boyfriend and I recently broke up after 10 months together. He's 60 and never been married.

I'm 48, divorced, and was married for 15 years. My question has to do with him having a really close relationship with his best friend's wife. When we were first together, they called and texted all day every day. And I just heard that lately her husband sleeps on the couch. Also, when we would go out together as couples with his other friends and their wives, he would get real flirtatious with the women and ignore everyone else at the table.

This really hurt me. I don't feel like it was overreacting, but he thinks it was. I just need to know if this is normal, acceptable behavior. Just as you describe it, it just ougs me out. You know why because we all know that guy we all know that guy

no it's gross it's just gross the only thing I would say it's on her is I don't know I would work hard to walk down the road why does this hurt me versus you're gross I'm out and it may be that this guy's pretty special

he's obviously pretty flirtatious and pretty like schmoozy and maybe just feel felt good to have someone say I love you

and he's probably charming yeah that's probably I call it schmoozy you might call it he's charming well I understand that you know where you

you feel special because they talk to you like you're the only person in the world that's it and there's always that guy that's like oh oh, your husband never says things like this. And you're like, no, he doesn't. Ew.

Just ew. Just ew. So, no, you dodged a bullet like the Matrix on this one. Good for you. Gross on a stick. Anybody? Just ew. Way to end the show on that one Kelly gosh next time we're going to end the show

by looking at each other's vomit that's how we're going to end that gross that's gross this guy's gross just I can just see the six year old schmarner yeah he's just run run for the hills as the great iron maiden once sang love you guys stay in school bye Yeah, he's just... Run. Run for the hills.

As the great Iron Maiden once sang. Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.