The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Lied About Smoking Pot for Over a Year

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Today, we hear from: - A woman whose husband lied about using marijuana for over a year - A man facing both a health and financial crisis at the same time - A mom unsure of how to celebrate her pregnancy after losing a child to SIDS Lyrics of the Day: "Mary Jane's Last Dance" - Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I lost my 10-month-old son two months ago. The one word I hate is indeterminable in all the reports. So, I guess it's sad. Sad, yeah. Hey, hold on. Stop right there. Yeah. I'm so sorry.

Yo, yo, yo. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Happy New Year. Happy same you. Hopefully doing new things. How about that? Maybe you're doing some of the same things. Whatever's going on in your world, I'm glad that you're with us on the world's greatest mental health podcast ever, ever created, ever recorded, ever, ever. I'll leave it at that. Thanks for joining us. Kelly and I were going to talk about something and then she said we probably shouldn't so remember in middle school when

someone came up to you and they were like uh i know someone who likes you and you would be like who they'd be like i i'm not gonna tell and they just didn't tell you that's what i'm doing right now all right let's go to anna in baltimore what's up anna hi how we doing good good um so i'm calling because uh well first all, thank you for taking my call. Of course, thank you. Hey, how's your New Year going? You doing well? It is, yeah. We got a little bit of sickness in our house, but I think anyone with kids can empathize with that. Yes. We're doing okay. They are walking Petri dishes. Really? Seriously, yes. Well, my question was, I am struggling.

About a month and a half ago, my spouse was dishonest with me about something. I'm just kind of having a hard time of like, where do I land? As far as how do I move forward from it? Because I just really didn't see it coming. What were they dishonest about? So, um, they're using cannabis products, which I guess is a separate issue itself. Um, like be more specific, smoking weed, taking CBD. Yeah. Yeah. Vaping. Um,

and so he had his squiggly had a back injury and had used it for pain. But then before the back injury, he also used it a lot in his young adult life for partying and stuff like that. And so, yeah, and so part of us, like, we've been married for like three years. And a part of that was an agreement that that wasn't going to be a part of our lifestyle. And it didn't seem like a hard thing for him. We sacrificed it. Like it didn't seem like a hard thing. It wasn't a big issue.

And so I thought we were under the understanding that that was kind of where we were at still because there was no conversation. You were. You were. I was. No, no. Y'all were. Yeah, we both.

I'm sorry. You were under, y'all both agreed that he wasn't going to smoke anymore, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like part of when we're faced with like just, I say gross, not like blood and guts, but just like blatant dishonesty. I often, I go to the mirror and be like, oh, I must not have been super clear. Like I blame myself. And so I'm trying to affirm you here. Y'all had the conversation and this was part of what y'all agreed on. Is that, is that right? Correct. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Cause it's, yeah. It's

a question if there's a misunderstanding or, um, no, no, no. So here's, here's what I think you're doing. I think you are trying to squeeze and minimize how bad you feel because if you don't, you're forced to deal with the reality that your husband looked you in the eye and lied to you for a long time. And I don't care about the weed and all that. I mean, that's a whole other conversation. Y'all made an agreement on who y'all were going to be and the behaviors, the actions y'all were going to be and the behaviors, actions y'all were going to take to backfill your identity. And not only did he not hold up his end of the agreement, but he lied to you about it. Right, right. And can I say one more thing?

Yeah, absolutely. You knew. And you didn't want to know. Like you knew he was different or you knew he was a little bit distant and you didn't want to come clean either. And so you are also pissed at yourself. Fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So now we got a big

mess. Right. What do you do now? That's my question. I'm calling you idiot. Okay. So let's, he's not here and we can't do anything about his behavior. Only he idiot. Okay. So let's, let's, he's not here and we can't do anything about his behavior. Only he can.

Right. His actions. So let me ask you a couple of questions. One, are you a person that is safe to be honest with? I thought so. It's not like a, I'm not trying to trick you.

I'm just asking. Right. Yeah. a, I'm not trying to trick you. I'm just asking. Right. Yeah. No, I am. I have, I have worked in an industry that had really close interactions with people with substance abuse. Okay. And so I think I'm a little more sensitive to it. And so I just, I just, I think I've seen it really destroy so many families.

Stop saying there's something wrong with you. Oh, okay. There's not, you're not extra sensitive to it. Your husband flat out lied to your face. Yeah. Yes. I have a problem with it. You have a problem with his dishonesty?

Oh, huge. Yes, you should. You should. Absolutely. You should. And you have a problem with peacekeeping and to have a successful relationship occasionally you have to raise a ruckus not like an idiot and not like some kind of alpha moron but you have to you have to raise the temperature of the room you have to turn all the lights on and say, hey, what's going on here? You lied to my face.

And it's very fair to ask, what else are you not being honest about? So if that's the case, yeah, and I totally agree with that. So that was a part of the conversation when he finally was honest with me. Was there anything else you're lying about and the answer is no like do you just trust i don't know i think i think the path back to trust is different for everybody okay okay so some people um some people like want to check in. I want to, you have to kiss me every night so I can smell your breath. Every night I'm going to look you in the eye

and say, did you smoke today? I want to see your text messages and that's the only way I'm going to feel safe. Or we have a shared bank account and I'm going to review the, like everybody's everybody's path back to trust is different okay and what i'm going to tell you is um a you can get out of control with that right where you become a possessive lunatic and that's hard to get to

you have a you i i believe you oh no i i know you are entitled to hey here's what i feel right now i feel you're not being honest and something tells me that you're calling me because you think he's not being honest about something else um yeah i can't read there's one thing yeah like i guess um yeah like online gambling for sports just became legal in the state of Maryland. And so he's been really engaged in that. And so I sometimes get a little, and now because of this, I'm like, are we okay with that? Like, is it just a recreational thing? Like, are the numbers accurate? Here's what you have. Your body is telling you you're not safe.

And part of the reason you're not safe is because you don't know. Because you're not facing reality. You're not owning reality. Okay. How much money do I have in my account? Like, here's how much was deposited from your check. Here's how much deposited was from my check. Where did every one of those dollars go this month?

How much do you owe to a gambling website? A means like you don't know where it's going. So for instance, if I went to Vegas, I would tell my wife, hey, I'm taking this much money to be stupid with. And she would say, well, you're an idiot. But it's part of – it would be an agreed upon amount that we've already budgeted for. So it's different than I'm just sitting in the couch while you're asleep and I'm gambling on this game and I'm trying to pick it back on this game.

Right. it back on this game right i just gave a interview with um usa today yesterday on what is just people are getting dragged underwater with this online gambling it's madness madness madness and so something in your gut tells you something's not right and for some reason over the course of your life you've been taught to shut up inner anna so that everybody else can go about their day peacefully fair fair okay so let me say this. Secrets destroy marriage. Okay. They destroy relationships. They destroy people. That's number one. Number two, I think it's fair going on. Write those things down because those hard conversations become very emotional. Our bodies take over for us, right? And then we start crying and then we, or we see our partner like kind of get a little bit there. We read facial cues and then we're like, no, no, no. I mean, I mean, not that I know you're not, but we start hedging our bets, right? Write down what you are actually concerned about,

what you're worried about, the things you need to know to begin to reestablish trust. I need to know how much money we have. I need to know where it goes. We're going to make a budget together. I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you Financial Peace University, the whole class. Okay?

Okay. I work here at Ramsey Solutions. Dave Ramsey is my boss. And so I'm going to give you the tools to say, here's what we're going to do as a couple. This is going to be a path back to reestablishing trust together. We're going to get on the same page. We're going to get the same values together. We're going to share money. You're not going to do all the money by yourself. We're going to do it together every month. We're going to have a plan. Now we're going to reestablish trust. Here's what you have to know though.

He might tell you to go to hell. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You know that, right? I would highly doubt it, but I guess that is an option for anyone. Okay, good.

That makes my heart feel good. I heard in your voice, I thought you were going to say that you were worried about that. If you don't think so, great. No. That's awesome. Okay. So I'm going to send you that and I thought you were going to say that you were worried about that. If you don't think so, great. No. That's awesome. Okay. So I'm going to send you that and I want you to read out to him your letter.

Okay. Okay. This is what I need. Like you violated our trust. Like, yes, we agreed you weren't going to smoke weed and all that kind of stuff. Well, that's a whole other conversation. The bigger deal is you messed up and then you hit it from me. And now I'm wondering what about our money? I'm wondering about your online gambling.

I'm wondering about that person at work, why you're always texting somebody. I'm worried about all kinds of things. And you opened the door. And so here's our path back together. Here's what trust looks like for us. And again, this isn't rage. This isn't anger. This is you listening to your body. You're not safe. And your body's literally sounding the anxiety alarms. And for those of y'all listening,

this is one of those core moments of building a non-anxious life. I'm gonna own reality. And reality is, I don't know how much money we have in our account. I don't know who's spending what on how or when and not knowing about something as important as your finances. Are we going to have a house payment? Are we going to have rent? Can I trust the person I'm sharing a bed with? Your body's going to sound the anxiety alarms. You're going to be anxious.

You're going to be fried out. You're going to be nervous or your body's just going to shut the whole thing down. You're going to depress. Your body's going to try the anxiety alarms. You're going to be anxious. You're going to be fried out. You're going to be nervous. Or your body's just going to shut the whole thing down. You're going to depress. Your body's going to try to take care of you when it recognizes danger. And Anna, trust your guts for the first time. Trust your guts. I think you're right on this one. Hang on the line here and Jenna's going to take care of you, get you signed up for Financial

Peace University and give you all a path out of this thing together. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Ray. It's a shame about Ray in Charleston, West Virginia. What's up, Ray? Hey, Dr. John, it is a privilege and honor to speak with you today. How are you, sir? I, dude, I'm fantastic. And the privilege and honor is a hundred percent mine, dude. Thank you so much for giving me a buzz. So what's up, man? Oh, thank you so much for those words. And I also want to thank you and your show for helping me with a lot of things over the time I've had listening to you guys. But one of the things in

particular is helping me to understand the difference between wanting to lose weight and get out of debt and wanting to want to. Ooh, great question. Lose weight and get out of debt. Okay. So you owe a bunch of money? I do. I do. And it's all student loans. How much? At this point in time, $170. Woo! What do you do for a living? So I'm a scientist and I work for the state. I work with police and prosecutors and I help analyze the evidence for them. Gotcha. Excellent. So you are not making private industry money to pay these things back in short order.

In short order, that's about right. Yes, sir. And I hear in your voice, we're not going to give away locations and details. And so I want to respect that. But also I've worked in both private industry and in government institutions and there's a vast difference in in uh how they pay you so there you go um and then tell me about your

weight dude so as of as of today i am i'm at 300 pounds. So I would say about a hundred pounds plus somewhere around in that range over what I should be, quote unquote. Okay. Um, so who gave you the number by the way? Um, the internet and, um, health classes and all that. There's a healthy weight to height ratio. Ray. You want to know the difference between wanting to and wanting to want to is how much time you spend on the internet.

I bet there's a direct correlation. Fair point. Get off the internet and I want you to set up a doctor's appointment, okay? Yes, sir. With a real human that will look you in the eyes and give you a good blood assessment, take care of you, and then say, here's where you're at. And if you're a great doctor, they'll say, here's where we're at because we're in this together. Okay. All right.

So you've dug yourself a huge financial hole. To use Dave Ramsey's language, you have a very small shovel because you're a government employee. And do you love your work? Honestly, yes, I do. This is exactly what I wanted to do when I was at the end of high school and into the beginning of the schooling that I did. I really wanted to work in law enforcement of some kind. The police routes didn't quite fit, so I thought being a scientist for the state working with evidence did a lot better. And I'll tell you what, I do think it hit a lot of the marks for where I find value and purpose in work. Excellent. Excellent. Okay. So when you take me back to your original question

and the genesis of that question. Sure. So I, I feel like now I know what it means to wants to lose weight and wants to get out of debt. And I've heard so many debt-free screams now. Now, like, I can't say that I can't do it or I don't deserve to be debt-free or lose weight anymore. I just can't. I've heard too many instances of people who are able to do it. But there is something I'm struggling with. And I'm hearing these stories of all these people

on their debt-free screens to work five extra jobs and can manage four to six hours a night of sleep, maybe actually getting two or four out of that, and with a family in the mix. Dr. John, I'm wondering where all this energy is coming from, man. man um so there is a tremendous and there's there's psychological studies here there's tremendous um a couple different things here you've heard the studies about learned helplessness have you heard that i haven't there's some there's some famous studies um that could never be reproduced nowadays because of um laboratory ethics and things but essentially they shocked um animals i think it was dogs in the original one they shocked animals to the point of pain and they didn't let them they didn't let them out of their enclosure, if you will. And so the dogs became frozen. And when they would intermittently let them out, the dogs continued to fight and claw their way out when they were getting shocked.

When there was a perceived no escape, there came a moment when they just took the barriers away there was no intermittent they were free to go and the dogs just sat there and got shocked and they they just said this is the way this is and it's a common response in people who experience trauma it's a common response in people who experience trauma. It's a common experience in people who hate themselves for whatever reason. I'm not good enough. I'm always stupid. I'm going to always be a whatever. I'm the worst thing that ever happened to me. This is just the way this is. And I've run in circles with people,

myself included, who have struggled with body dysmorphia and working out and eating, disordered eating and being overweight. That's been the vast majority of my life. And the correlation between I'm fat and I am not worth being loved is I think that's a cloud that hangs over our culture.

Does that make sense? That does. And it sounds like you've been reading my dirty laundry. Well, so here's another psychological point that I want to hit home. You are more likely to go to a thing than you are, sustainablyably than you are to run from a thing. You are trying to get out of debt. You are trying to lose weight. You are not, with a smile on your face, walking to freedom. And those are two different, they're the same path,

but they're two different processes. My friend Sal DiStefano said two important things. He's with the Mind Pump guys. Two important things, and it was transformative for me just hanging out with him and we were interviewing each other. He said, you cannot hate your body into better shape. You run out of gas. You just give up. You quit. You get exhausted. You can't hate yourself to a better body. And the second thing is the person who loves the journey

will always go further than the person who's obsessed with the destination. And I butchered that quote a little bit, but here was the transformative moment for me. I became obsessed with getting a number on the scale for so long and I never weighed 300 pounds. I've never been obese. Okay. So hear me say that. Everything changed for me when I decided I'm just a guy who takes care of his body. I'm a good steward of my body. And that was a part of an identity that was, I'm going to be a great husband and a great dad. And that meant I've got to have energy to be around my wife and kids. That meant I've got to have energy to help around the house. And the only way I can do that is if I exercise because exercise gives me energy. And the only way I can do that is if I'm taking

care of, if I'm eating okay. Because if I just eat garbage all day, my workouts are not right. See how it all builds on itself? Yeah, it does. It does make sense. But it's when I quit getting obsessed with a scale. Now, a scale is an important marker. It's a data point, but it's not the end goal. It's just a number on a journey. See what I'm saying? Yeah, I do.

You have to decide, Ray. Can I just ask you this? Man, who told you that you're no good? Dr. John, elementary school kids are mean, man. Yeah, they are. They're ruthless. They are ruthless. Yeah.

And middle school kids aren't much better. No, they're sophisticated and ruthless. And high school kids are't much better. No, they're sophisticated and ruthless. And high school kids are just evil. Yeah. High school kids are just evil. Yeah. Going through school feeling alone. And I didn't really have many, I didn't really have many friends. I would even just say many acquaintances, let alone friends. And I finally got a friend from high school after high school. You know what I mean?

So he's actually one of my best friends now, ride or die. Um, but it was pretty lonely. What about at home? In high school? Um, I grew up in a divorced household my mom loves me to death she did the best that she could raising me and my me and my siblings all on her own

but me and my siblings didn't quite like each other either so somewhere along the way but me and my siblings didn't quite like each other either. Somewhere along the way, you picked up the message to things. You're not good enough, and you're never going to be good enough. And you went looking for power. You went looking for power as being a cop. You went looking for power with advanced degrees.

I'm going to show you. And man, you've developed this idea that if you're not, that you have to be punished for something. And I don't know what that is. We could talk about that probably for a while. But let me tell you, man, you don't have to hurt. Do you yo-yo a lot? Over the years, have you lost weight and gained weight back and lost weight and gained it back? I think you're reading my mail too, Dr. John. I have been yo-yoing for the last 10 years. So as soon as you lose a bunch of weight and you start to feel good, there's something inside of you that says, no, we got to be punished. We're no good. And that is the voice you have to, that voice doesn't get a vote anymore, man. Because that voice has taken their dad from their kids.

That voice has taken somebody's husband away from her. And I don't know whose voice that is, man, but that's the one. Is that fair? No, that's very fair. That's very fair. If you can believe that you're worth loving, if you can believe that you're worth loving, if you can believe that you're worth being loved, and I don't mean that in like the rainbows and gummy bears kind of way,

although I do, I love gummy bears, but I mean, like, like, tell me about it. The, um,

you have to decide I'm worth not hurting. I'm worth not hurting. I'm worth a life of joy and laughter. And here's the deal, man. You're going to have to practice that because you've never had it. You thought your doctorate or your master's degree was going to fix you and it didn't. And you thought that one friend was going to fix you and it didn't. And you thought the first time you were going to be with a woman was going to fix you and it didn't. And you thought that one friend was going to fix you and it didn't. And you thought the first time you were going to be with a woman was going to fix you and it didn't.

Fair? Very fair. Cause that's inside of you, Ray. Do you want that? I do. I really do. Do you promise? Cause I don't believe you.

You really do? Yes, sir. I really, really do yes sir i really really do like walking to freedom now listen here's what this looks like i made a bunch of promises to myself this year i made a bunch of like commitments i was really like my wife and i went on our annual retreat we go on every year to talk about who we're going to be and what we want to be about and what last year was about where we're going. And yesterday, Ray, yesterday, I consumed twice my body weight and it started, somebody left a thing of brownies on my desk and I got back from the holiday break. And then there was this little snowman full of marshmallow chocolate covered candies. And dude, I went crazy. And here's the difference this year.

I felt terrible yesterday. I have a hard writing deadline. I got nothing done. I was just a spinning out mess. And here's what I did. For the first time in my life, I smiled and said, all right, I got tagged today and tomorrow it's game on. And this morning I got up and I went back to the gym, did what I needed to do, was with my kids. I didn't go to war with myself. I didn't declare civil war against me. I'm not the worst loser ever. Dude, I ate a lot of candy yesterday and I felt terrible. And then today's a new one. That's what this is going to look like for a while while you're practicing not hurting, while you're practicing this crazy idea called hope. So let me hear it again. Are you a hundred percent in? I am 100% in. Yes, sir. All right. Here's what I'm going to give you.

Number one, I'm going to give you my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's carbon app. It's the best coaching weight loss app on planet earth. Okay. It's the one I use. It's the one professionals use and it will, it's, I I mean it walks you through calories and how the whole thing works and it it like Keeps track of your protein intake all those kind of things. Okay I'm gonna give it to you for free and he is a it's gonna be a lifetime membership for free You never have to pay for it. Okay, but you gotta promise me that you'll use it cool Dr. John i'm speechless. Hold on. We're, I'm not done. I'm not done. Listen, I'm also going to give you Financial Peace University, the whole class, the every dollar

app. I'm going to give you everything. Okay. I'm not crying, Dr. John. You're crying, man. Listen, I'm going to give all of it to you. And here's the only thing I'm going to ask for you in return. Two things. Number one, that you actually use this stuff. Number two, that you keep me updated on your progress. Is that fair? It's more than fair.

Yes, sir. Thank you. You are worth being able to laugh. You're worth being able to roll around on the floor with your kids You're worth being able to have a reckless sex life You're worth thinking I need to take a second and third job But I'm too exhausted to do it Can I also tell you this

You're probably worth more than the $65,000 a year you're making You don't believe that but you are and i have found over the course of my career i've got a particular set of skills it's very small my talents are very like it's got one or two or three of them but they are valuable in a number of different industries and it may be that right now, you've dug yourself a huge $170,000 hole. I may need to go look and see if I need to do something else for a season.

And I may shock myself that I love that work too. Maybe not, but maybe. Okay? Actually, I'm going to give you my friend Ken Coleman's Get Clear Assessment too. I'm going to give you that one also. That way you can go through and say, is there another job out there for me? Okay. I'm going to hook you up in the new year, but we're going to turn this whole sucker around. Is that fair? That's more than fair, Dr. John. Thank you. All right. I want you to hear you say out loud, I'm worth being well.

I am worth being well. And I do not hate Ray. And I do not being well. I am worth being well. And I do not hate Ray. And I do not hate Ray. Dude, now you're on the path. It's gonna, it's gonna suck, man. It's not gonna be fun.

In fact, it's gonna be miserable because you're not only having to budget your money and take a second and third job and say goodbye to your kids and learn how to eat in a way that's healthy for you and to start exercising. Not as though you're going to lose 30 pounds, but because this is who you are. That's going to be hard, but you're also going to have to learn for the first time to stop hating ray you're gonna have to learn how to live a life full of joy and optimism and not a joy of misery and pain i gotta hurt and i gotta hurt and i gotta hurt you're worth it my brother you're worth it ray let's go make it happen We'll be right back Alright, we're back Let's go to Anne

In Cheyenne That sounds awesome Hey, what's up Anne in Cheyenne Peter Pan with the plan What's up Stan I like your rhymes I'm a rapper too Oh, okay I'm actually not I'm a rapper, too. Oh, okay.

I'm actually not. I'm not even close. Not even close. What's up? Well, we all have to have a closet personality. I have so many personalities in the closet. For real. You have no idea.

And you have no idea. None. None. All right. So what's up? A lot. So I wrote down the question because I knew I couldn't get through it otherwise. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Okay. My question is, how do I make a healthy memorial to the past in the midst of grief while not stuffing it or giving way to the busyness of now in preparing for the future. Be more specific. And let me say it this way. Can I correct? Of course you can. You've lost somebody, right? Yeah.

Okay. So listen, we're going to be real direct in this call Okay Okay And you've been masterful At managing this by speaking above it But I'm We're gonna link arms And we're gonna walk right through the middle of it Cool?

Cool Okay Okay Let's head in Well I lost my Okay. Okay. Let's head in. Well, I lost my 10-month-old son two months ago. Well, the one word I hate is undeterminable in all the reports. So I guess it's sad. Sad, yeah.

I am. Hey, hold on. it's it. Yeah. I am. Hey, hold on. Stop right there. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Thank you. What was the baby's name? Benaiah.

I didn't hear you. Benaiah. Benaiah? Yes, it's a very unusual name. Spell that. B-E-N-A-I-A-H. A-I-A-H. Benaiah.

Beautiful. And tell me about this little boy. Was he a mess? Kind of. He was born with brain damage because of delivery. Okay. A healthy pregnancy beforehand and just suddenly something went wrong with the delivery. So he was in the NICU for over a month.

And the lovely amidst COVID and all the hospital regulations. And that's a whole other story. And so it was just, and always say that it feels like I was stolen time from him because he was only alive for 10 months. And it was one thing after the other, after the other, after the other. but I mean he was making progress and he was even going to therapy and they were telling me that the six month plan that they had that you might be crawling and everything and I was so happy

and then the next day I found him cold that little boy won the lottery when he got you as his mom i think he we won the lottery when we got him you did you did you did and mamas are not supposed to hold cold babies and you know that right I know that I'm so sorry

it's against the rules it's not supposed to be that way I know that that's what I kept telling everybody I was like that's not what it's supposed to be So that was two months ago? Yeah. Okay. Does it feel like the lights are still turned down low? You're still breathing through fog?

No, I'm just... I'm going through the motions. Okay. Hey, it's right to the motions. Okay. Hey, it's right where you need to be. And anybody who tells you otherwise, they don't get a vote. Okay, what about the seven-year-old and the five-year-old and the other kids? Here's a great gift you can give those kids.

If you tell them mommy's really sad today. Mm-hmm. If you don't, they're going to think whatever's going on in the house is their fault. Okay? True. And so a great gift you can give them is to say, mommy's thinking about Benaiah today. I'm very sad. Okay? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Let them see. They will They will See themselves By the light Of the love you show For Benaiah Mm-hmm

Okay Okay They'll feel The warmth And the heat from that You're not taking something From them You are lighting up

Their world with that Mm-hmm Okay Okay Have you Sat down And written Benaiah a letter yet? Not yet. Okay. You need to do that.

And there's no rush on it. And I would recommend that you do that with your family. That everybody draw a picture and they write a letter and y'all get together one night and y'all do that together. Okay. It can be to honor month three. It can be to honor month six, but some sort of private just y'alls. Here's a letter I wrote to Vinaya. And feel free to put up a stocking to keep his picture up.

Right. Yeah. But all that stuff is for tomorrow right now. It's yeah. You're going through the motions, man. Do you have, is dad around?

Because we just moved. He's been pouring himself into work. Okay. He's also pouring himself into work because that's an anesthetic. I know. I know. Listen. People lose their marriages over

this because people grieve differently and it causes a wedge between them. All right. So do you want the curveball yet? Are you pregnant? Yes. Congratulations.

Because why not? Yes, why not so what I'm about to say is going to sound trite and stupid and some idiot's gonna um I don't care what somebody's gonna say read the comments yeah exactly your grief is going to be, it is very, very valuable. It's not good. I don't wish it on anybody, but it has deep value. And celebrating the life of your new baby will also have deep and profound value. Okay. And one doesn't replace the other. That's what I've always feared.

It, it, it won't, but I will always be with you. You will get a plus one, not a replacement. Okay. you will get a plus one. Not a replacement. Okay?

And even if you and your husband decided we want to have another baby right away and get pregnant right away, that's okay. Oh, no, this was a few months before he was born. I just didn't realize. Gotcha, gotcha. So you're five, six months away, all along. I just didn't realize. Gotcha. Gotcha. So you're five, six months away,

all along? Yes. Hey-o. Here we go, right? So you're going to be nervous and you're going to be anxious and you're going to be wired up and you're going to be freaked out

and all that's normal and good. Okay? Yeah. Do you have a couple of women that you can, that will ride with you through this um starting to make friendships here um i mean most of them are uh across state lines unfortunately yeah listen i can't i cannot recommend it enough have a text thread of women that you trust that you can just that call them find three or four of them and say i'm i'm specifically picking you y'all are going to

be my ride or dies through this pregnancy i'm gonna text you at midnight and say i'm freaked out and i want you just to text me something back hilarious or text me something back some silly dumb saying that you got off Pinterest or whatever. I don't care. Whatever works for you. Okay. And let them know you're going to be reaching out to them. And I want you to be find a class go find a support group or something in your new community

of women who've just lost a kid women who have are um moms who are fill in the blank but i want you to go find some real human beings in your local area that you can point to and that they can you can see them and they can see you. You cannot go through this next season alone. Do you promise me you will choose to not do this thing alone? Yes. Okay. This is for you. This is for your kids. This is for Benaiah. This is for this unborn little baby. Okay. It's for your husband, everybody. What does your husband think about having a new kid? Oh, he's over the moon. I'm the one that can't, I'm the one that's, I just can't connect.

I mean, all the other kids I could connect, even though I was not expecting them, I could connect with them, but. You're searching for feelings right now and your bodies have shut the feeling switches turned them way down because rightfully so

right that's when we have to lean on what you just said and I know this gets a bad rap but going through the motions but we're going to do the things that we know keep us well even when we don't feel like it.

I'm not going to sit there and scroll on social media. I'm going to go for a walk. I want to have seven large pizzas. I'm just going to have one. I'm going to have one. Right. And not really. But I want to, I would.

No Ben and Jerry nights? I mean, I'm not going to take that from you. I may have one or two of those, so I'm not going to take that from you I may have one or two so I'm not going to take that from you but again 80-20 on the whole we're going to do things that we know even we don't feel like it because

with your what's your oldest kid's name Acela so you had this bond instantly like oh man, man, I'm doing this for you. And we're going on walks. You don't have that right now. And so we're going to make a list of things. And we're going to have some people in our life that help keep me accountable.

Who are going to check on me today. Have you eaten today? Something with protein in it. Right? And I know you're going to be in the store looking at the Ben and Jerry's things on the back to see how much protein's in it. Hey, I get it. But we're going to do – Or are they?

No, unfortunately. We're going to do the things that we need to do over this next period. And I'm going to tell you something really, really hard. Okay. Wait, you haven't? Nope. Not yet. Okay.

And I want you to hold your hands together right now. And I want you to interlock your fingers. Okay. But I don't want you to squeeze the crap out of your hands. I just want you to hold them loosely for a second. Okay? And I want you to hear me really closely. The last awful thing you saw of Benaiah, the CPR, the yelling and screaming, that picture.

You are not keeping him alive by going back to those thoughts all the time. Okay? Those thoughts, your body will go back to them because it's trying to protect you from that ever happening again in the future. That's what it's trying to do. It's trying to help out. And it's making it much, much worse. And so what I want you to do

is I want you to think of two or three or four of your favorite memories of Benaiah. Mm-hmm. The time when that goofy little boy smiled at you or he almost almost crawled a little bit ish and you cheered and then he kind of got startled whatever those moments are or your other kids messing around with him oh i have videos so many videos yes when the lightning bolts strike and the lightning bolts of your walk past the hall and you look over and you see that or you may not see him in the in his crib

but you feel it your body responds as though he's there i want you to practice what would be the hardest moment of discipline of your entire life is Because I want you to stop, take a deep breath, exhale hard, and picture in your mind intentionally one of those hilarious, fun, silly videos. Okay? And here's what we're going to do. We're going to consciously, over time, teach our body that when we remember Benaiah, we're not remembering the terrifying scary moments we're remembering the moments with smile on his face

when the house was full of light and you're not doing a disservice to him you're not doing a you're not somehow whitewashing over what happened. None of that. You are honoring his memory by letting his memory reside in you as light, not as the heaviness of what actually happened. Does that make sense? Yeah. And you're never going to fully let him go. He's part of you. He's your family. Okay?

He always will be. You'll get some dope tattoo one day or something I don't know But don't do that while you're pregnant That would be incredible Needles are for sewing And that's their only function I agree or disagree

But it's cool It's cool But I want you to write him a letter And hey, while you're at it Write your new baby a letter Is it a boy or a girl? Have you found out yet?

Girl I think John And hey, while you're at it, write your new baby a letter. Is it a boy or a girl? Have you found out yet? Girl. I think John is a great name. Just hashtag this. All right. We've already had a name for the last four pregnancies. Boo. Boo. I'm just kidding.

Hey, write her a letter too. And let her know you are super jazzed to see her. And you can't wait till you get to tell her about a little brother that she had. That she never got to meet him, but man, he was a character. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. Hey, you're one of the bravest people I'll talk to this month.

I'm grateful for you for sharing your story. Do what? I don't feel this month. I'm grateful for you for sharing your story. Do what? I don't feel like it. I know. Your feelings are all muted out right now. True. But one of my big promises on this show is I won't lie to you.

And so I'm telling you the truth. You're a brave mom who's dealing with the worst thing that could ever happen to a mother. And you're getting up every day and you're making sure your other kids are fed and your other kids are warm. And you're making sure that you're okay because you're now carrying a new baby.

And getting up when we don't want to. Heading into the fire every morning. That's bravery. That's you. So grateful for you, Ann. Benaiah won the lottery when he got you. And I knowaiah won the lottery when he got you. And I know you won the lottery when you got him. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt

anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, thank y'all for hanging out with us. Thank you for, man, we had just a slate of brave callers today. Song of the day, shout out to the first caller from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Mary Jane's Last Dance. If you know, you know.

She grew up in an Indiana town, had a good-looking mama who never was around, but she grew up tall and she grew up right with them Indiana boys and them Indiana nights. I don't even know what that, what does that mean? I don't know what Indiana night is. Well, she moved down here at the age of 18. She blew the boys away. It was more than they'd seen. I was introduced. We both started grooving. She said, I dig you, baby. Baby, but I gotta keep on moving on. Keep on moving on. Last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain.

I feel summer creeping in. And I'm tired of this town again. Now you know why that's Kelly's favorite song. Hey, we'll see you soon.