The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Never Has Time for Me or the Kids

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife struggling to parent while her husband works A woman whose in-laws weaponize religion A mom wondering when to tell her son the truth about Santa   Next Steps: ❤️ Getaway with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My husband has a pretty busy job, and so just isn't really able to help. We don't have a whole lot of family support, so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself. Okay, the more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage isn't pretty significant peril. So I guess the scary, terrifying question that I often ask folks is... What up? What's going on? John, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. It's you and me and a couple of million people

talking about what's going on in your life. Your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on. That's what this show is, sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Real people going through real challenges. If you want to be on this show,

go to John Deloney slash ask. I'm sorry, johndeloney.com slash ask. and we'd love to have you on. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 bucks a couple.

Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. Let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to the great and wonderful Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up? Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, and you? I'm doing well, thank you. What's up? So I was calling because, I guess my question is,

how to handle my husband's limited help as a mom to two under two. Oh, geez, 2002. Yeah, I just recently had another baby, and the baby is about four weeks old now. my first is about 17 months old so very busy my husband has a pretty busy job and so just isn't really able to help we don't have a whole lot of family support so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself I think the key there is that last word you used yeah is motherhood was never designed to be by yourself even even the fantasy of the stay-at-home mom this idea that one person can navigate all things at all times alone and by themselves and lack of sleep and feeding and food and diapers and stuff and lions and tigers and bears oh my it's a it's a it's a mad house fantasy it's not real i think it's driven a centuries worth of western world women um into wondering what's wrong with them, into guilt, into shame,

into all these different things that has never been true in all of human history, which is you go home, close the door, it's you and this one kid, these two kids, these three kids, and you've got to do it all by yourself. So tell me about your husband's job that he can't come home and help, even when he's tired. So he's pretty busy. He is actually a lawyer. A pretty new lawyer works in big law.

Is he on the partner track? Yes. Okay. So you've lost them for two years, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's kind of what it feels like. And that expectation was that going into this.

I knew that going into this. Cool. I guess I didn't realize how hard it was going to be as a new mom without any family support. We are not actually originally from the office. Austin area. So yeah, it's kind of learning and trying to build a community here, which is hard to do as a new mom with two little ones. And a husband that works, you know, a lot. He works a lot. And so, you know, I knew going into it. It wasn't like that expectation wasn't set. He very much

forewarned me of that. But I didn't realize the amount of time that it would require of him. to do that and so i realized that our future there is a light at the end of that tunnel um but it's just been really hard like there are nights where he just doesn't come home um because he's working so late and so i mean there will be 24 48 hours where i just don't even see him and i'm doing it literally all by myself yeah so the beauty about your situation is a you'll talk about it now there's there's the experienced reality but it's not like a shock I guess the shock is oh this is what this really

feels like or when you we may have had different pictures like when he said I'm going to be really busy and you're like okay I know really busy and you're like oh you mean you're going to be working for 48 straight hours right like so there is some adjustments into the reality but that also means y'all have if he's working big law

in the 512 area code that means you'll have some resources to get some support right and you're you're going to have to be able to deal with that innate. I don't want to throw this on you. What I hear often is if I have to hire help, that somehow means that I wasn't enough. Or if I have to figure out how to get three or four or five or six women to come over on Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings and they bring their kids and we just talk or we just stare off into space, whatever, if I have

to work that hard to have friends I've never had to do that in college I never had to do that in grad school I never had to do that in undergrad like in high school but now I have to work that hard then it must be something wrong with me and it's you taking those two lies head on and saying what do I actually want and what do I actually need in terms of support and care here yeah so tell me what's the story beneath the story that's going on inside your heart and mind when it comes to you acknowledging i'm real real lonely here yeah i think um i think the part that's the hardest part for me is that like the extra stuff that comes with it um you know i realize that you have to kind of work and play with the partners and you know there's there's

things that come with that like these events and such and i think i find myself at home essentially drowning with two kids and I see my husband like not doing that. I know his job is very taxing but he's also going to these nice centers that are going on in these events and you know it it almost feels like I'm jealous in a sense that I am you know sitting here with these two kids by myself just trying to stay afloat and it's like he's not there he's not a part of it. He's not seeing it and he's living this whole other life that doesn't even feel like he's really married and is like a father's most of the time. Okay, so I want you to have that conversation. Yeah. Because that's the thing beneath the thing. Yeah. By the way, you're right

to feel jealous. That doesn't make you a bad person. If you feel jealous that five nights a week he's at a big five-star restaurant whining and dining clients or the nights he's not whining and dining clients he's having a celebration dinner because they won the case or they got the new like whatever you're right to feel jealous when you're covered up and throw up and you just miss the guy that you married yeah and he comes home for conjugal visits and then goes back out into the world and where he's dressing up in suits and going to fancy place like you're you'd kind of be nuts if you weren't jealous of that yeah because also in the passed in law school you were the you were the date to the barrister's ball right

mm-hmm like you those were all with you yeah and so it you're right to feel jealous the thing I'll challenge you on is already starting out of the gate keeping secrets and already saying okay we had this plan and this plan is killing me and I want to be honest about is this the right plan moving forward and so it's being able to have that open dialogue and you might find if you broach that conversation that he exhales and says i really thought i wanted to do big law but i miss my wife i'm not being a dad or he might find that the firm could care less if he goes to all five dinners five nights a week he thinks he has to to make partner, but he could sit down and have coffee with a few of the partners and

be like, no, dude, nobody cares about those stupid things. Yeah. Go home and be with your family. Yeah, I think that's the biggest thing is that he feels like he has to go to those. Like, he has a hard time saying no. But I think the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that he says no to coming home to help us, like, at all, but he can't say no to them. And I think that's where the issue is lying,

especially with the newborn, like I'm very fresh postpartum and, you know, like I could use for sure some help, especially with our toddler and it's like I'm being told no, I can't do that. And, you know, it's even simple things that's making it really difficult. You only need to have that hard conversation. Yeah. Sooner rather than later. Because at the end of the day, You phrased it beautifully. I'm telling you, I need you. They're telling you. They want you.

And you're choosing them. And he might rightfully say, hey, we knew this was coming. We agreed upon this. And you're saying, you're right, we did. And I feel like things might have changed. Have you said the words, I want you home?

other than I need you home? Yeah. Yeah, I have. We've actually had quite a few conversations about it. And there's small changes, but then it just, like, kind of falls back into the same song and dance. And, you know, I'm very understanding when it comes to him actually working and understanding of these events and things that he has to go to. But it's like there's almost a fork in the road of whenever it's. time to kind of come home or it's staying out and it seems like like our life at home is so chaotic

that it's just easier for him to not come home and so he just chooses to not and that's where I would look him in the eye and say you're you're not fulfilling your chief responsibility yeah and I mean he's admitted that that he's been doing that but he also isn't changing it. He's acknowledging that it's not right and that it's wrong, but it's also still happening constantly. Does he have some men in his life that he trusts and he listens to?

No, unfortunately. He kind of doesn't really have the best relationship with his family and a lot of the people that he works with, I probably wouldn't say are the best of influences. So I guess the scary, terrifying question that I often ask folks is, what are you going to do now?

I don't know. Because it's a hard, you use, again, your choice of language is really instructive. It's really excellent. You're at a fork in the road. You said, hey, I need you here. And I'm actually supporting how hard you're working in the crazy hours of a first couple of years in big law. I'm really supporting of that but then there's the

hey we're all going for drinks and that's when you could come home and be a present husband and dad and you choose no and he said you're right I do choose the other right? It's not like you've brought something

to his attention he doesn't know right yeah we've had a lot of conversations about it it definitely hasn't hasn't not been talked about. Would he go see somebody with you? I don't know. Um, we've, we've talked about it before. Um, but I, I mean, I, I see a therapist that I've seen for a while. Um,

and I've asked him to and he's seems to be kind of indifferent about it and it seems like it just kind of gets brushed off. Okay, the more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage is in pretty significant peril. Yeah. Am I right or am I? It feels like it. Okay. Yeah, it feels like it, yeah.

Okay. Have you sat down and asked him if he still wants to be married to you? I did. We did. We had a very long talk about it. And he says yes, but it feels like his words are great, but it's just like the actions. that aren't following through with those words that is what's making it really hard.

Well, the next layer, behavior's a language, right? And by the way, you're married to a word smith. I know. Right? And so the next layer is, what are the actions that are gonna back up your statements? And so I think the next conversation is, and it can be leading somewhere,

but the next conversation is hey you said you wanted to be married to me i've spent some time thinking here is a roadmap of what love looks like what our marriage looks like in the next six months with two kids two and under with a postpartum wife with an exhausting chaotic household here's what this look like are you in or are you out and it's almost like um I've been on the other side of some attorneys when I start answering a question and they'll say like, no, no, no, stop.

It's not what I asked you. Did you send this text? And you're like, yes, I did. Right? And so it's getting to that level of, I'm writing these things down. Will you be a part of our married household like this? But the phrase, behavior is the language.

You said all the right words. That's cool. I'm putting that I'm basically I'm putting you on notice to use their language I'm putting you on notice here's what being married in this particular season looks like and it's commendable that you're looking that you are a understanding it's not like you need to be home at five o'clock that's unreasonable for that job right you know that right but you don't have to go out for drinks every night and it's getting it's finding those and sometimes you do I hate to say that sometimes you do like sometimes there's a client you got to go like dude this

just came up I got to go that's part of it right I was on call for for 20 years right and so my wife lived with that it wasn't fun or wasn't great but it's yeah you've I mean I hate to say this I don't know success in your marriage outside of a marriage counselor for both of you together because there's there's got to be some harder conversations and I don't know without talking to him I don't know if he this doesn't like it if he feels like home is a failure factory and he can be more successful there if he's uncomfortable he just doesn't have to like i don't know what's in his heart and mind and you don't either um but you've had all the preliminary conversations that i would recommend somebody have which tells me yeah your marriage is at a precipice and you're feeling that and i think the

important thing is is to turn the lights on and stop the stop the music and here is what i'm asking of you I need you home four nights a week. I need you home five nights a week. When you come home, I need help with the following things. I need you just to hold me on the couch for 45 minutes. That's it. Like, what are those things to look like? And having the deeper questions is big law right for our family? And anybody who gets married has to know what's right for me goes to second place when you say till death to his part and then you start bringing kids in. to it you become second place third place like but this is what i want okay but this is what we this is their set of responsibilities you took on when you married me this is a set of responsibilities

you took on when we created humans together and it might look different than we had it mapped out but i think you're at a place where hard hard conversations or deep conversations aren't going to be as much um there's not going to be a lot of utility there it is here's a set of actions are you in or you're out? Let's have that conversation. I wish you the absolute best. This is a tough, tough situation. And it's a tough situation for him too.

I know that also. Thanks for the call, sister. I don't feel like I was very much help to you other than to clear it up and say, you're not crazy. I don't think he's crazy, but you all have some really hard reckoning. No more hard conversations,

but some hard reckoning about our action's going to be a part of what happens next. Thanks for a call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks how to cope with her in-laws, weaponizing religion just to create conflict. I'm excited to tell you about Cove. Cove is a smart, affordable home security company with one mission.

Help you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. And the holidays are here and they can make your home a target for thieves and porch pirates. And Cove cameras will stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your phone. so you can see and hear what's happening in real time. That clarity and control over your home, especially while you're traveling, can give you peace of mind. Cove lets you customize your security system

with a quick online quiz, so you only get what your home actually needs and not a bunch of extra stuff that cost you a million more dollars. Set up with Cove is simple. You do it yourself, and it takes like 30 minutes, and every system comes with a 60-day risk-free trial. December is the perfect time to protect your home with Cove.

And Cove is offering an exclusive holiday sale just for my audience. Visit covesmart.com and use code Deloney at checkout for up to 80% off your first order. You heard that right. Up to 80%. This is the easiest decision you're going to make this year. Go to Cove, C-O-V-E, covesmart.com and use code Deloney. this time of year we are giving our time we're giving our money and sometimes without meaning to we're giving away our personal data all over everywhere on the internet's and this is why i love

and recommend and use delete me i like a good deal as much as the next guy but i want you to remember that every email click or every newsletter sign up is you giving another piece of your personal information to somebody else. And that data doesn't just stay with them. Most of the time they're selling it behind your back to shady data brokers who grab it, bundle it, and sell it to God knows who else. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, get Delete Me. Delete Me is like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on all these secret data broker sites and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Because peace doesn't just come from turning off notifications, it comes from knowing that your data is not for sale. Right now you can get 20%

off your annual plan when you go to join deleteme.com slash deloney. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. Go protect your digital life. Sacramento, California. Let's talk to Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? Great. How are you? Not too bad. Not too bad. All right. So what's up? So I have been married for, oh gosh, eight years and together with my husband for a little longer than that. And when we first got together, I actually joined him at church kind of, kind of admittedly as a pleasing way to kind of join my way into the family. And, you know, you're young. You know, you've got to get there.

Wow. That was well said, Jennifer Wilson. Not that I don't believe, not that I don't believe, but, you know, their church specifically in that specific, you know, synod of sorts, it was very evangelical, and I found out through experience that that is the absolute pillar of the family, at least in my in-law's eyes. My husband grew up that way. His dad was the principal of the school type. of the church. So he grew up completely educated within the church and, you know, came out on the side saying, well, you know, I believe, but not for me. And, and so a lot of this has caused a lot of a lot of schism in the family and they kind of come back together, sort of, and kind of repair

and move on. But the move on is, you know, tied together with a lot of grudges. And so the latest system has lasted about three years, and it's created a lot of favoritism in the family, and it's very evident to now, you know, my nieces and nephews who are all kind of getting aware of what grandma and grandpa like them more than us. Okay. So how do I, you know, stand here in the middle? We don't have any children, but, you know, being surrounded by the whole family where we're on one side and they are on another.

How do I, you know, not fix it, but... Leave the field. Leave the field. Yes, yes. No, I'm saying leave the field. Oh. Listen, like, I'll say this as directly as I can. His parents have made it very clear.

They don't want y'all around. Yeah. They don't want y'all in their life unless you worship as they want you to worship, where they want you to worship, and how they want you to worship. And unless you want to play, you're going to wear their suit that comes out of their closet, they don't want to be in relationship with you, period. And there's a deep grief that comes with that sort of cutting you off. Yeah. And most of the time, the people pleaser in us, the solver in us, and if your husband grew up in that world, he's been people pleasing his whole freaking life. There's a sense of responsibility to make sure the adults in our life are okay.

I remember one of the greatest, like only in retrospect, one of the greatest gifts my dad gave me is when he quit being a policeman and took over a job as a minister at our big church, he said, I'm going to be your minister now and I'm your dad, and so you're not going to be able to hear me. you need to find some men that you trust and of course he can he helped point me in the direction in that in that direction and i remember him saying this i don't care where you go to church i just want you to go somewhere and that was i at the time i blew it off because i was i don't know

10 or 12 or whatever and i was like okay like you know but in retrospect that may have cost him his job that he was a minister somewhere and his kid went somewhere else but it was a bigger deal to him that I find a place where I could plug into, and I found a group of people just to do life with, then it was him being right. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Your husband doesn't have that. He has the opposite. You will do, as I say, and the weapon here is my relationship with you. Good God Almighty. Yeah. That breaks my heart, dude. Yeah. And funny enough, You know, joining his family, their family, to me, was the stable ones. I came from a really chaotic family, you know, drugs and alcohol abuse and, you know, emotional neglect and all of that kind of stuff.

And so seeing his family, you know, in my eyes, looked on the outside, very stable. And you went and married your unfinished business. Indeed. I'm no, you know, I'm no worse off for it. I love the guy, but. No, no, no, it's not that. But your body recognized, oh, emotional manipulation, oh, control and power, oh, addiction. It just came in a different bottle.

Yeah, I'm home. Yeah, I'm home, right? And the body goes, ah, here we are. And your mind's like, what? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's tough, too, because I'm the only one in the family, at least his family, actually, and mine as well, who's been through therapy. and actually got help for, you know, how it's the feeling.

Jennifer, why would you go to therapy? You just need to pray harder. Duh. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. I know, I know. Listen, here's the brass tax truth. He has to make the call. Yeah.

That call is going to be informed by a wife who loves him deeply and will be his ride or die, come hell or high water. But he's going to have to make that call. otherwise if you sever the relationship with his family there's going to be a wedge between the two of you however small or thin or invisible it feels it will be there forever and the second thing is is you'll have to exhale and grieve the fact

that his parents would rather you'll continue to be elementary school kids and do exactly what they say, whenever they say it, then they would prefer to be in relationship with you. Yeah. And that's not how parents should be, but that's what you got. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah. It's heavy just, you know, with that because I crave the unity. And so I put it on my shoulders for a long time, especially because we were in the middle in hearing both sides. Not necessarily just his parents, but I mean his sister as well. He's a couple sisters, and one sister is in their boat still and is the favorite because, you know, she's kind of the, she's the oldest and she's, you know, done everything right, you know, according to their book. And, you know, here we are what they would probably refer to as joining the dark side with each other sister who, you know, they won't even tell they're coming into town.

from out of state so it's um yeah it breaks my heart to watch too just for my niece and nephew to well it's the same it's the same question you've been haunted by since you were a little girl why dad why why would you choose to drink over me yeah and you married into why would you choose why would you choose to be manipulative

and um discontinue relationship unless I sing and dance exactly as you want me to sing and dance

yeah it's the same exact question it's just got a different suit on it yeah and so the heartbreaking work

is finding yourself in the exact same toxic destructive mess and then asking yourself that scary question, okay, who are we going to be now? What are we going to do now?

We're going to have a different kind of Thanksgiving, a different kind of Christmas this year, and we're inviting younger sister, and that's great. And we're going to be sad that it's not what we wanted it to be, which is one big happy family, because half of our family has chosen to not be in relationship with us. yeah and by the way if they called I would say hey they're choosing if that's the boundary you're drawing either they go to this church and worship at our building or they don't get to come I would say okay you made your bed yeah like you put the cards on the table and they called right or you made your bet and they called it's like it it just stinks it's such a

dumb, unnecessary, heartbreaking fracture of a relationship. I agree. And yet here we are. Yeah. And there's something about saying out loud, your dad doesn't want to be in relationship with you. My father-in-law doesn't like me. Yeah.

It's the worst. For sure. and also I think for you it's got to feel worse tell me if I'm wrong but when you were playing along man those hugs felt good didn't they actually they don't hug okay because hug leads to sex and sex leads to dancing right

actually kind of yeah yeah dude I mean there's just some deep grief here and after the grief is asking yourself okay brass tax what does church look like for us brass tax what does the holiday season look like for us because we can't we can't have nothing we got to have community we got to have people so if our family is asking or telling us we don't want to be in relationship with you okay we got to be in relationship with somebody so is there an island of misfit toys that we can have a great Thanksgiving with or my family and my wife's family, they just live 17 hours away. And so our Easter is the best.

You know who comes? The craziest group of people you can possibly imagine. People asleep on the couch. People like tattoo artists. She comes. Like musicians come, bankers come, higher education people. It is the most random group of people. And I love it. Love it. Single people come kids. But we had to do that. because we backed up and moved away from everybody and so it's creating the reality here's this reality I gotta deal with it

I hate this for you Jennifer I hate it for everybody going through this holiday season whether it's around religion whether it's around anything which is you sing or dance or as your parent

I'm taking my relationship and I'm using it as a weapon to cut you off I hate that man I hate that, I hate that, I hate that. I'll tell you, aging parents with young adult kids. I've never met somebody in the last stages of their life, ever, not one time. Have I ever met somebody in the last stages of life say,

I'm really glad I cut my kid off over issue X, Y, or Z, who they voted for, who they were what church they went to. I've never heard somebody heading into the last years or weeks or months of their life say, I'm so glad I cut them off, ever. I have heard repeatedly.

Man, if I could have five more minutes. Aging parents, it's your move. When we come back, a woman asks, how do we talk? about Santa with their kids. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are a time of traditions, both good ones and not so good ones. The holidays can be busy, stressful, and for many of us, lonely.

And that's why it's a great time to reflect on what the good traditions are during our holiday season and the traditions that aren't so great. And if you need to dig into some of those not-so-great traditions, therapy can give you. you space to reflect on the old traditions and create new ones. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. BetterHelp is totally online so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change

therapist at any time for no extra cost. This month, during the chaos, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni. All right, let's go out to Richmond, Indiana. Talk to Bethany. What's up, Bethany? Hi. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I'm excited to talk to you. Hey, you just heard how terrible I'm at this job. We had to edit this stuff in. I don't know what my mouth isn't working today. I can't make full words and sentences. So we'll try to get through this one the best I can. It's okay. You're not a Hoosier. It's okay. You're not a Hoosier. Okay, good. Exactly. All right. What's up?

Okay. So I was wondering what age do... Oh, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Before you ask that, before you ask it, I've got to give a disclaimer here, okay? Okay. Kelly, let me know, gave me a heads up on this call because I didn't make a disclaimer in the past when I've had these conversations and I have people who are listening to the show and their kids are in the room. So parents, we're talking about Santa.

If you got kids in the room, spoiler alert. Either get your kids out of the room or you can just let me do it for you and then you've got to clean up the mess that I'm not to make. All right, Bethany, go for it. Okay, so I have an 11-year-old son

and a 21-year-old. son. The 11-year-old was a surprise blessing that we didn't, wasn't expecting. Surprise. Yes, it was a very big surprise. But anyway, the 11-year-old still 100% believes. The 21-year-old is telling me that I need to tell him that he went through this as a kid and he thinks it's horrible and all these things. And I'm thinking to myself, why not let the kid be a kid? So that was my question. Fifth grader? Apparently, I've traumatized my oldest.

Fifth grader? He is in fifth grade, yes. Why does your oldest say he was traumatized? Did he find out the hard way on the playground? He found out when the tooth fairy was taking care of her aging ill parents and forgot to leave tooth fairy money. Stupid, tooth fairy. I know that tooth fairy

She got me every time Every time So I have went to great lengths To keep this secret Like I took a picture of him With the elf And you know I've done And then I erased it

I have tried so hard To keep this Okay so let me ask you What does this Story get you? Get me? Yes honestly i want him to have memories

he's got memories he's got a great mom he's got a crazy older brother he's got great memories what is the perpetuating this story what does that get you i didn't have all this growing up i didn't have memories i didn't have i remember sitting at on my couch on thanksgiving eating a tostino's pizza there we go And I don't want that for my kids ever. They will never have that. You know why? Because they've got an awesome mom.

Well, thank you. But anyway. No, no, you can't hear that. And I'm going to keep saying it until you hear it. Your kids have an awesome mom. Thank you. I've got my best. You're doing a great job.

You're changing a family tree from the inside. I mean, you're doing amazing stuff. but here's the hard thing though okay i said a nice thing now i'm going to say a hard thing okay be very careful about using your child's experience for your inner hurt okay because then your kid can become a x for your pain and that's not their job no it's not and so he and his little face light up i know it's the best it's magic it's magic and then you know when they find out it's just like okay except except i i've done a lot of things not right i've had to explain jokes that i probably shouldn't have made in front of my kids in way like i haven't done things right i will say i think i

hit this one out of the park okay and can i tell you why absolutely is i didn't wait until it was this moment. And by the way, fifth grade, he's going to get blown up this year. I can guarantee it. I don't know. My kid was in sixth grade almost. You know, like...

It's different times. Every kid didn't have a smartphone. Mine don't either. My oldest does because he's 21. But your youngest doesn't, but all his friends do. Okay. That's a true point. So here's...

The conversation with my son, was something like he was I don't even remember how young it was he was way younger than 11 maybe six or seven or eight I believe deeply that childhood has been robbed of magic and so I love Halloween for them I love Santa for them and people always ask me when I say don't lie to your kids what about Santa Claus dude it's totally a different thing right um so I believe in magic for kids I love it the outdoors the woods forts like um like when I I come home and all the couch cushions are off and they've made a fort, I'm all in. And blankets are ever like, I believe in childhood magic because I think it's been stripped away by stupid

adults. And there came a moment. I remember the conversation. My son said something like, Dad, I'm going to ask for something crazy for Christmas. And if I don't get it, I know, I'm going to pray for something. And if God doesn't give it to me, then I'm just going to ask Santa for it. And I was like, okay, we probably should have this conversation. right? He's starting to conflate the two. And so here's what I did. This is the silliest tasters choice moment and I don't care. I said, hey, I need you to meet me in the bed of my pickup truck out in the driveway. And he looked at me kind of weird and I said, we're going to have a big grown-up conversation. And he said, okay. And so here's what I did. I set up a

totally brand new environment we've never done that there and i told him i'm inviting you in to an adult world just for a minute and the sense he got he stood six feet tall because it was i set it up as i'm now grabbing your hand and pulling you into another world that you don't even know exist and it's called grown-up world and it's not as fun but it can be awesome and And I trust you enough with a hard conversation. Okay. And so he sat in there and we had the, we talked it out. I said, there's a story of Santa Claus.

You know about Santa Claus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You asked me one time, how does Santa Claus fit down the chimney? You asked me one time, how do the reindeer get to every house? And then I explained it. But I set up a context where he didn't come home and find out mom and dad were liars, I invited him into level two of the world, into a developmentally appropriate conversation. And then, hilariously, at the very end, I said, you had any questions, man, you ask any

question you want. And he felt very special. And then he goes, tooth fairy. And I go, nope. And he started laughing. I mean, he was a young kid. But the way he was like, tooth fairy. And I was like, nope. And he just started cracking up. But I was like, that's the way adults. We don't get to play anymore. This is how we get to re-experience childhood. And he was like, yeah, that's awesome. Uh-huh. And then when he had the exact opposite reaction that your son has,

because he had a sister come along six years later, and he kept it magic for her. Right. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so if you, oh, man, if you're moving this along down the road because you're scared of the conversation,

or you want to avoid it as long as possible because you want to make sure that your kid doesn't ever feel like you felt rest assured. They never will. Your kid's so loved. It's amazing. He has loved. Does your kid ever had Pop-Tarts on the couch

for Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. Okay, all right. So let's... I mean, our family's small, but I grew up with my grandparents, so my cousins were all 15 years older than me, you know, so...

So let's traffic in reality. Let's feel our feelings, but then let's ask, is this true? And what's true is, no. My son is a very different experience than I had. He is loved. Okay. He knows mystery and excitement of fun.

And before I let him just stumble into this and discover it, I'm going to take his hand and he's going to walk with me into this next thing. Is he going to be heartbroken? Maybe. Or he might be completely excited. He'll be heartbroken if he finds on. his own that mom and dad hadn't been telling him the truth what else had they've been telling me yeah i love that he might be completely energized i don't know my my my n equals one and my or my daughter had this

very i did the same thing with my daughter and she did that she was like that too so i've got two examples of i'm before that you find out i'm going to invite you into a new kind of magic which is adulthood it's kind of rad it's also kind of a bum deal but it's kind of rad right and i'm going to invite you into this world um just for a minute and then you got to go back to being a kid but there was no heartbreak and those two but i controlled the environment that made it special made them feel bigger than they really were treated them with dignity and respect told them the truth all those things um i always want my kids to i don't ever want my kids to discover something out in the world and think, I don't think I can bring this home. Or why did my parents tell me this?

And so this is just one of those moments when you're going to have to have the conversation. You're going to have the conversation about sex. I'd rather you create a natural conversation in the house and they always know they can have conversations. They're going to want to know questions about your mom and dad. Oosh, that's going to be tough. I'm just not going to hide things. But I'm also not going to rob my kids of magic either. And I don't know. I love the story of I think it's fun. I think it's one of the last things we got left. But there does come a moment.

And fifth grade, it feels about right for me. I mean, that feels a little bit at the top end of right. I think I went earlier. Kelly, how old were you guys when you ruined your kid's childhood? My son was probably about fourth grade. Okay. But we handled it. Every time he would ask, we would say, well, what do you think?

Oh, okay. That's how we always handled it. And then I remember one year he said, I think I know, and I said, well, do you want to talk about it? he said, not yet. He wasn't ready yet. And then the next year, he asked again, and I said, well, what do you think? And he said, and I don't think he's real. But we have a special needs child in our house, an adult who still believes.

And we brought him in on, and I think you can do that with siblings. It's the best. Yeah, we brought him in. He helps us now do that, and he loves it. But yeah, that was always our answer. Well, what do you think? You know, so kind of letting them lead the conversation. But yeah, third, second.

third, fourth, fifth. I mean, kids are ever kids different, but don't let your heartbreak dictate how you think his feelings are going to go. And you know your kid, so you'll know how to make it special. For me in Texas, it was the back of a truck, in the bed of a truck. I don't know. A great question. And if y'all are listening to this and you didn't let your kids out the room and they just found out Santa's not real, I told you so. We'll be right back. for a living. And if you've seen me on stages, if you've seen me at comedy clubs, wherever you've seen me, you've

almost surely seen me wearing poncho shirts. I love my poncho shirts. And it's cold outside now so I can wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denim's and flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of

stretch. It's like you've worn it a thousand times but it still looks amazing. And poncho flannels like the one I'm wearing right now come in original or western and styles, and they are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow, they're both durable and comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit, and they're built for real life. I wear them on stages, I wear them to church, and I wear them when I'm out working in the woods. They are ready for whatever life throws at them. When you're shopping for the men and

boys in your life this holiday season, go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and get them up. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order and tell poncho you heard about them right here on this show. And if you're into the social media thing, take a picture of the men in your life wearing poncho and tag me and tag poncho. Hurry right now and get your order placed to get free shipping before the holidays. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, we're back with a money and marriage question. This is a good one. Um, this is an anonymous question that I received at the money and marriage retreat. We got one, by the time this comes out, the November one, we'll already have happened, right? Yeah. And we've got one limited

tickets if it's not sold out in February, Valentine's Day weekend here in Nashville. All right, here is a question from the anonymous question box. My husband always said he would get a vasectomy when we were done having kids. Now that we're done, he says he won't get one. how do I get him to follow through with his our plan I mean there's a nuclear option here which is

when you take care of your end of the deal you can have my end of the deal I shouldn't have said it like that I mean hey we made an agreement I'm not taking the pill anymore we're not using condoms anymore and so shops closed until you keep up, I mean, you can play that game.

The deeper, probably more realistic conversation is why. Why have you said I'm not going to do this anymore? Is it something because of bad information that you got on Instagram that like, if you men who get vasectomies don't have stupid stuff like that, that's just simply nonsense and not true? or is it a fear of going into the doctor's office and having someone chip chop chip chop chip chop and if that's the case you can just have him go with you to your next annual and you can see what you go through all the time and he can get over himself or i mean it's getting to the okay

you have gone back on what you said you're going to do i'm asking i'm being curious instead of judgmental i want to see you and i want to know you why what are your big concerns and let's have that hard conversation um because i think there's twofold here one i don't want to get pregnant again is what it sounds like here we've agreed we don't want any more kids and yet we got a live we got a loaded weapon here and so i want to protect ourselves and the second thing is um you're going back on what you said you didn't keep your word and maybe that's the second time, third time, 10th time he's made a plan that he didn't follow through one

and so let's get to the deeper issue here and have the harder conversation. The thing behind, the thing behind the thing. But for whatever it's worth, every single guy I know that Scott Fesectomy has given it a 10 out of 10. 100 out of 100. Hashtag just say it.

Thank you so much. I love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Bye. You know,