The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Pays More Attention to His Phone than His Family

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.   We decided we’re done having kids and I’m grieving the end of this chapter of our lives John talks to BetterHelp Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Haesue Jo MA, LMFT I don’t feel as close to one of my sons as I do with the other I’m concerned my husband’s phone usage is affecting our kids and our marriage Lyrics of the Day: "Perfect Blue Endings" - Counting Crows   Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage   Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation   Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a couple of parents who are struggling with identity and loving themselves and their kids. We talk to a woman whose husband is addicted to a cell phone and it's wrecking their household. And we talk to a better health therapist on what counseling is, what it's not, and how to do it well.

Stay tuned. Say you, say me. Is that how you do that? Say it for always. What's up? This is John Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I say this every time. I'm glad you're with us. I'm glad you're with us. I'm glad you joined us in this adventure. So happy to see you. We got Ben on the mic. Yes, sir. You're the DJ.. So happy to see you. We got Ben on the mic. Yes, sir. You're the DJ. It's good to see you, man. I like that DJ. Good to see you, too. We can call that position the DJ. I don't know what it... That sounds good.

And Kelly, as always. That song you were singing is actually from one of my favorite movies. Say you say... What song is it? What movie? From White Nights. Yeah. Is it a good movie? From White Nights. Yeah. Is it a good movie?

It is. It's Gregory Hines and Mikhail Brishnikov. They're dancers in Russia during like... Trying to... You're turning a little bit red right now. I'm just kidding. You're not. I doubt that.

I was trying to pretend you were having a moment, but no. No. It's a great movie. White Nights. I'll check it out. Yeah, you should. I love a good Russian ballet movie. Feels good. It's kind of my jam. It's a great movie. White Knight. I'll check it out. Yeah, you should. I love a good Russian ballet movie. Feels good.

It's kind of my jam. It's kind of my jam. Let's go to the phones before this thing's getting sideways. Sideways. Danielle in Denver, Colorado. What's up, Danielle? Good morning.

Are you a huge fan of Russian ballet movies? Never seen any. Danielle. So I would have to say no. What? I don't even know you anymore. Come on, Danielle.

I've never seen one in my life either, but I'm going to give it a whirl. I'm glad. Same team, Danielle. Same team. All right. So what's up? How are we doing? Yeah. All right, so what's up? How are we doing? Yeah, so I am, my biggest thing I'm dealing with right now is my husband and I just had our fourth and final baby about three weeks ago.

Congratulations. And thank you so much. And he was born via cesarean, as were all of my other three. So we decided the best thing for me to do was to get my tubes tied. And while they were in there might as well. Yeah, exactly. And I have been dealing with so much like grieving, like a grieving process. And because this chapter of my life has come to an end of my childbearing years and I don't know how to grieve and be a mom and a wife

at the same time. And if grieving is even the appropriate word to use with this, you know, just saying grieving and pregnancy in the same sentence sounds ridiculous to me. But that's exactly how I'm feeling. So I don't know how I'm supposed to go forward from here. Oh man, you are awesome. Thank you for sharing that. Have you said that out loud yet? I've talked to my husband about it and he's validated my feelings and has told me that it's absolutely normal and told me that I'm doing a great job and just 100% validated how I'm feeling. Yeah.

But it hasn't helped stop feeling this way. Yes, yes, yes. So I learned this the hard way and then I've just met with folks over the years. Number one, well, let me back up. Your husband sounds like he's awesome. He's a pretty good guy. Yes, he's amazing. Good work. Well done on that one. You got a good one. Thank you. And

he got a good one. He got a good one as well. One of the suckiest things is so crummy about grief and about, I'm not going to suggest you have postpartum, okay? I'm just talking about the post-pregnancy, everything's everywhere, okay? Everything is resettling. You got a new human in the house. Are your other three, are they young? Are they small? Nine, six, and three. Oh, my gosh.

Yes. Yes and no. It's just when you think of a nine-year-old as old, that's when you know you're tired. Because nine-year-olds aren't old, but it just feels like, oh gosh, he can wipe himself. We're winning, right? So you've got four young kids, four kids all in single digits. Let's put it that way. And now you've got an infant.

You're not, I mean, sleep is all over the place. Husband's just trying, but God bless him. And there's bottles everywhere and diapers and all the stuff. And then your three-year-old just misses, Mom, can I get a snack? All that stuff's happening. Not to mention any sort of hormone re-regulation that's happening, any sort of your body dealing with, oh, gosh, we're missing organs now.

Like, where did those go? Like, all that stuff. Yeah. Your body's recovering from surgery. So it's all there. One of the worst things when you're dealing with grief and when you're dealing with that time after pregnancy is people will tell you, cause they've got awesome souls and awesome hearts. You're doing so great. And in your head, you hear that, but your body is telling you that you're failing and everything's falling apart. And so you feel crazy.

And that crazy is exhausting. Am I onto something or tell me I'm bonkers? No, you have me tearing up. So you've got your mom is like, oh my gosh, you're the greatest mom. And your husband is so great. And husbands who try usually have one tool in the tool bag. And it is compliments.

You're doing great. You're kicking butt. Best mom ever. You're so pretty. And you look in the mirror and you're like, I feel like a train wreck. And I feel like I put my lipstick on with my left hand. And I feel like I'm failing. on with my left hand and I feel like I'm failing. And so now I must be insane.

And then your body responds to the fact that you're insane with we should hide. We are overwhelmed. The last thing I want to do is have this baby near me because I'm crazy. And but the baby needs me. And now you feel trapped. And then all of a sudden, we start spiraling. Am I on to something? Yes.

I don't. Yes and no, I would say. Okay, tell me how you're feeling. I don't. I knew you said you weren't recommending, like, postpartum. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, depression. No, no, no, no. Definitely, I'm not feeling depressed. I knew you said you weren't recommending like postpartum depression. And that's it.

It's definitely, I'm not feeling depressed. I am trying like my hardest to stay involved with church stuff and do my, so I feel like I'm pushing myself to do that. And once I'm there, I feel good, you know, being out of the house.

Yes. So I do feel like getting up and going places because I know that helps. And especially going to church that helps feed my soul as well. And so, um, I'm trying to do that kind of stuff and push myself to do it. So it's just, um, so I would say yes and no, you are hitting on some of the stuff because I am trying to get out and do things. You are so great. You're awesome. You're awesome.

So here's what grief is. Grief is the gap between what we hoped for or what we expected to happen and reality. That's all grief is. It's just that gap. I thought my husband was going to live forever and there was a car wreck I thought my dad was going to always just be there for me to call and he's 92 and he passed away

I thought I knew there was going to be a day when we would just have to be like 84 kids is enough how about we just call it good because now we have a bus that takes us to the grocery store we knew that day was coming but there's a gap between, yeah, it's later, and then all of a sudden it's now. Right.

And so what I would tell you is not – be at peace. Don't compare your grief. You deserve to feel what you feel. It's real and it's right. Yeah. And it's okay to say, I'm going to miss with all of my guts, literally, ever having that incredible bond between me and another human that nobody else in this family can share because they were in my body.

I'm going to miss that. That's okay to be sad about that. It's okay to just be heartbroken about that I mean it's nice to hear That it's okay Yeah it's okay Like I said I just feel ridiculous No it's magic You had a human in you four times

It's magic And then you guys decided, let's call it. Let's call it. And so, yeah, grief is not only natural, it's right, it's good. And when time comes, then you begin to create. And this is scary and awesome. I get to create who I am next. Like, what is my new identity? Because my identity has been

someone like a baby maker, and now I am a baby raiser, or I'm a human maker, or I'm whatever. I mean, you get to call it whatever you want to call it, but it's just a shift in identity. It's just a new you. And those are scary to leave behind the old times. And there was some magic in those old times. And now we're going to create whatever comes next. And you co-create that with your husband. You create that with how you feel and what you want and what you dream about.

And that replanting new fields becomes a whole new adventure. But, man, that's not for today. Today is just to cherish this beautiful new baby and to deal with, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? And mommy, I diarrhea everywhere. And man, I'm never going to have another human inside me again. Huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's both end. So this may sound crazy. And if you've ever listened to this show, you know I recommend this all the time. I've just heard it over and over and over as a magic intro solution to grief. I want you to write a letter to all four of your kids when they were in your tummy.

And I said tummy because I have a five-year-old and I still go TT too I don't know why I said that to another adult what an idiot man I'm such a dummy yeah I'm gonna go TT right after the show too by the way golly in your tummy I want you to write a letter

to those and remind them talk to them about what it felt like when you felt the kick the first time, when you felt your heartbeat sync up, when you were so excited about what the future was going to hold. I want you to go back to those places and write that stuff down. One day your kids, when they're old, might read these letters. So hang on to them. them okay but it is a way for your brain to slowly make its way through in your body to make its way through that gap and writing things down gets it out of our head gets it out of our bodies literally and it it creates a little bit of distance on the paper

and it becomes true and it becomes real and when things become true and real, they get out of our, this could happen, this is happening, to this happened. And then the magic, and now what? But we are not at the now what stage. We are just in the sitting in it stage, and that's okay.

And good for you for knowing, I don't want to get up, but I got to. And here's a couple of things that when I just go there, it makes things better. Oh, it's awesome. And if you need to tell your husband, hey, I know I'm good. How about instead of telling me that I'm doing a great job, you just sit down and hold my hand?

Or the best way you can tell me I'm doing a great job is if I never have to clean out another bottle ever, ever again. Ever, ever again. And maybe if some of the things, as you feel them as somebody who's trying to love you well, when it makes your body respond in a certain way, you don't have to quote unquote, take it. You can help somebody who's trying to love you and say, here's a better way you can love me right now. And my wife did that for me. It's a gift. Actually, when we had our second kid, she made me a list of questions I was not allowed to ask in the hospital. And it was hilarious. And I found myself starting to ask those questions. Are you feeling okay? Are you doing good? I mean, she just wrote them all down. She's like, don't ask me any of these

questions. The answer is, it's going to suck for a while, and then we're going to have a baby. And it was awesome, but it was a gift. And I was embarrassed. I was a little bit ashamed that I had asked those when our son was born. It was hard when somebody says, hey, here's a better way you could love me. But wow, then you both get in sync. But your grief is good and right and holy and yours and nobody else's. Thank you. Is that cool? Yeah. I am looking forward to writing the letters.

Awesome. I think that's going to help me a lot. So I thank you for that. You got it. And let me know how that goes. You can write all four of them over a period of a couple of days and then just write me back and say, John, that was stupid. You're an idiot. Or write me back and say, no, that was actually helpful,

and hang on to them. And you may have to write more than one or more than two. Or I'm going to write a letter to that newborn that I held in the hospital. And maybe it's not a five-page letter. Maybe it's just a poem. Or maybe it's just, I don't know, whatever happens to me. But you can write letters to these human beings in their stages. And it's incredible.

And it slowly helps you bridge that gap between what you expected and what you hoped for. And what is right now. Oh, you're awesome, Danielle. Your kids are so lucky to have you. And you're not crazy and your grief is yours. And oh my gosh, we're rooting for whatever comes next. But that's for later. Right now you're in it and we're in it with you.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this

at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.

You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. Hey, what's up? We are back. And listen, one of the most common questions I get from callers and listeners is what could I expect from a counseling interaction? If I got the courage to actually call a counselor, if I got the courage to actually go to counseling, to get my partner and we're going to go to therapy together, what would that be like? How do I know if I'm talking to a good counselor? I don't know if I'm talking to someone, I just need to get up and walk away or I need to close

my computer screen and say never again. How do I know what I'm even doing when it comes to counseling? So I reached out to my friends at betterhelp.com and y'all know I've got a partnership with them. I love that they provide counseling and access to therapists anywhere you happen to be, whether in your car, in a parking lot, in your home, at work therapists anywhere you happen to be, whether in your car, in a parking lot, in your home, at work, wherever you happen to be. When you got a screen or a phone, they've got people, licensed clinicians that can help you right where you are.

So I reached out to my friends at BetterHelp and I got connected with the head of clinical operations, Hasu Jo, who is a world-class therapist, has agreed to come on the show and to walk us through what an interaction with a therapist would look like. So Hasu, how are we doing? Great. Thank you so much. What a wonderful introduction. Very flattered. Thank you. Humbling. You shouldn't be too humble. I'm in awe of you. You actually do this stuff for a living. I just pretend to be one on the internets, and so you're pretty awesome.

So how are we doing? How's everything? Things are going. It's been an interesting past couple of years, I would say. I think everybody would say that in response to that kind of question. Yeah. Can you paint a picture? What's the world been like for mental health professionals?

Well, I think everybody can start to imagine what the answer to that is by answering that question for themselves. What has life been like for you the past year and a half? Chances are you've been stressed out. You've been having new things creating more anxiety for you. Maybe your interpersonal relationships have taken a hit because you're not able to meet up as much as you would like to. You're not able to do the same kinds of activities. You're not able to distract yourself with the same kinds of things. It's been a rough period of time for everybody. So what a better time to look for a therapist, right? But that also means that these systems that we have in place, the infrastructures that we had before COVID,

a lot of that stuff had to change, and mental health therapists had to quickly adapt all while juggling all those life stressors because we're just people too, and we're also trying to get through this together with everybody else. That's exactly right. And before 24 months ago, I was still dealing with all of the people

that I was working with. There were wild waiting lines. There were people who were apprehensive to go to in-person counseling. There was all sorts of barriers. There was financial barriers. There's all sorts of barriers for people to get the help they need.

And if, even if the barriers were removed, there was still this stigma. It's just this thing we've never done before. I've never gone to talk to somebody to tell them about what happened to me when I was a kid. I've never gone to talk to somebody and say, I've got these crazy thoughts in my mind or what I think are crazy. They often find out they're not. Or me and my partner aren't connecting well and I don't know what's next, right? So a whole thing was new and then all of a sudden everything got wiped out out and it all got thrown on the internet. I love that you brought that up.

My friends who are clinicians all over the country have been, you know, working from home and homeschooling. And by the way, throw your whole practice online. And so many of my colleagues have— Bring it home. Bring it all back into your house. All in your house, right. And there's just this warmth and this, I guess, a safety that you can create in an in-person context. It's different. Anyway, it's been a mess.

I want to just personally thank you for you and your team and all the mental health professionals out there trying to serve a really crooked situation. Lots of people who are hurting all over the place. So I'm grateful for that. So here's what I want to do. I want to pretend that I'm a client and that I'm calling for the first time. And you being a real therapist and me being a fake one on the internet or on this radio show, I want to call and we can just walk through the first couple of minutes of what a interaction between a client and a therapist would be like. And then we'll spend some time talking with you. What are some things that a client can bring to the table in session one, session two, session three, that would really facilitate connection between the

therapist and a client? And then what are some things that a client should look for? Somebody who's hurting, who reaches out, should look for as big red flags. Sure. Does that sound cool? I do want to preface by saying that initial call that we're about to role play potentially here, that's going to be a pretty different experience for somebody that's signing up online because with the online version, you're not starting with a call. You're starting with answering a few questions on an internet and take a questionnaire,

right? So this first call that you do to reach out to somebody is more for a traditional practice format, which I think everybody should consider too. You want to figure out what works best for you. So happy to do that. And then we can certainly talk further about what the introduction phase looks like on BetterHelp versus other settings.

Great, that's awesome. So yeah, if you go to BetterHelp, it asks you, you know, what's your preferences, gender, religious preferences, what are you struggling with, what do you think you're struggling with? And it does, it really is a, is it greases that interaction, right? It gives the therapist some context and it gives, it actually helps. When I went through the questionnaire myself, it gave me some context for helping me distill down what I'm actually calling,

what actually is going on in my heart and mind, right? Which is great. All right all right cool so let's pretend um uh james will you come over and make a phone noise bring bring yeah because we're seven to hasu um all right so bring bring um hi my name is john and i am reaching out to a counselor for the first time. Hi, John. Thanks so much for getting in touch with me. My name is Hesu, and I am a licensed therapist. So I'm guessing you're reaching out because you're going through something. Do you think you can tell me in a couple of sentences what you're looking for support with? I'm not great at distilling things down to a couple sentences, but for the sake of this role play, I will try.

I am – I've had a great professional year. My family is – my marriage is doing great. My kids – I mean, it's been hard. I got little ones, and so getting in and out of school and all that, it's been tough. But on the whole, when I look objectively at the data points in my life, objectively, things are going fine. They're going well, actually. It feels like there is something beneath the data points that is still churning, maybe like a duck on the water.

The things on top are still, they're going well. We're still moving forward. But my body is beginning to tell me, hey, I'm reaching capacity. I'm running out of gas. And I don't know what to do with that when the data point, when the things I'm doing are working, if you will, quote unquote, with air quotes. I don't know what to do with that low level burn uh it feels like anxiousness it feels like kind of a rise of I don't know man my body's trying to tell me

something and I'm not doing a good job of hearing it I mean what I'm hearing is kind of a distinct separation between how you're thinking you should be feeling and what you're actually feeling inside right you're like looking at your life and seeing that things are pretty good you should be feeling and what you're actually feeling inside, right? You're like looking at your life and seeing that things are pretty good. I should be feeling better. So why don't I? Do you think that I'm understanding kind of what you're sharing with me here? Yes, you just nailed it. Yes, ma'am. Yeah. So, you know, I think that it's definitely worth it for us to book a first session and we can talk a little bit more about some of these things going on to help you start to learn to identify exactly what it is that's going on. So then we can start working together collaboratively to figure out some kind of course of treatment to get you feeling better, right?

To get your insides and your outsides to match and to feel like you're living authentically. And that's one of my big focuses is to get you to feel like you're navigating and existing in this world in a way that makes sense and feels safe for you. So if that all sounds good for you, I'd love to move forward in scheduling that first session. I like that idea, but I want one quick question for you. Sure, any questions. When you say treatment, I think of IV bags and therapy. What do you mean by treatment?

That freaks me out a little bit. That's a good question to have. And I think it's very important for us to be mindful that there is a connection between medical model and therapy. But at the same time, it's not the same thing. Each individual is going to be different. When you look at the medical model, they may have standards of care and protocols, processes, manualized treatments, you know, use this medication for these kinds of symptoms. It doesn't always end up looking that simple or black and white in therapy. So I use this word treatment to really encapture nothing like a medication course, because that's not something that I can do. That's something I can help you explore.

But in talk therapy, this treatment word, it's really focusing on the work that we're going to do collaboratively through discussion, through homework assignments. And I'm not talking about like writing essays between sessions, but it could look like having you tune in and identify certain feeling words that we'll discuss during sessions throughout the week so you can incorporate some of the things

that we're learning in your real life. Because at the end of the day, how much you and I speak as therapist and client is a very, very small percentage of your real life. And what's more important is practicing the skills that you and I are going to learn together outside, in your real life, outside of the session. So treatment really captures this, you know, intentional focus with both of us working towards meeting your goals, right? Treatment kind of helps us understand that

we're doing something actively for symptom relief, for increased insight, for meeting your goals. Awesome. So yeah, it's treatments that path we're going to take together. Okay, I love that. That's awesome. All right, well, thank you. That's a good entry. So if you're listening to the show, here are a couple of things that she did so well.

One, she validated my questions. She didn't make me feel stupid. And if I asked, you know, what's treatment? She didn't say, I didn't know what treatment is. Everyone knows what a treatment is. Like, you validated my questions, which I appreciated. You asked me to drive and let you know what was going on in my life, and you didn't answer the phone, look at my chart,

and start telling me what you thought was wrong with me. You didn't open with a diagnosis is probably a better way to say that. And you were really inviting and warm. And so I'm grateful for that. Thank you. Just talking to you for two minutes made me, my blood pressure go down a little bit. So I'm grateful for that. Oh, we're glad to hear that. So maybe we should schedule a session. Trust me. I think you're probably right. Over your years of doing this, I mean, you're the clinical director of a major national mental health organization. In your years of meeting with clients, what are a couple of things that you have noticed really assist with getting things going versus what are some client behaviors that make things challenging as a counselor? Yeah.

Well, first, I got to call this out. It's really weird hearing myself described as like this leader of a renowned company. I started with the company when we were really, really tiny. Sure. And I want to put that message out there. We're still a tight-knit group of people, a bit larger now, but we're all just a group of people that's trying our best to provide help to a bunch of people out there. That's right. But coming back to your question, I think it's important to remember that your therapist is professionally trained to deal with something we call resistance.

Resistance is everybody's natural inclination to withdraw or shy away from things that make us feel uncomfortable, things that would ask us to revisit painful memories or the past. A lot of therapy is about processing that stuff, externalizing those things so that it's not rotting inside of you anymore. And so this thing of like what can a client do to make sure

that their therapist is thinking that they're a good client? Like first, I don't want anyone to think that they have to perform or they have to do anything specifically. They're there in the chair in that moment to be there in the here and now. And that's one of my focuses. And you'll find that therapists are very, very diverse in terms of how they approach clients

and how they think about them. But for me, one of those underlying goals that I have for me and my client is to get the client to be better about paying attention to what's right in front of them the present moment. A lot of mental health challenges come from dwelling in the past or freaking out about the future, in which case you're never able to really sit and enjoy what's right in front of you. So really, I want clients to know that just be you. And I know that's easier said than done, but trying to let go of any assumptions that you need to do something to appear a certain way is going to be really helpful. Um, challenging yourself to answer questions honestly.

And listen, when you first start therapy, you might feel overwhelmed with questions. Your therapist is going to ask you a ton of things. And if you're feeling like it's too overwhelming, it's even a good idea to ask your therapist to slow down. Your therapist is there to follow your lead and ultimately walk hand in hand with you rather than take charge and take reins of your life. You are the expert of your life. So be prepared to speak honestly. And sometimes honesty can be painful. And it's okay to mention that too. In the moment, let your therapist know when something is too hard.

Yeah. That's beautiful. That's the number one piece of advice I always give somebody when they say, I'm about to go to counseling. What should I do? I'll tell them, don't go unless you're going to tell the truth. And telling the truth is going to hurt. It's going to be hard sometimes. And,

um, don't perform like this is the one, this might be the first time in your whole life. You can go drop your shoulders and just say, this is the way I feel right now. And we just don't have those places in our society anymore. I don't know if we ever did, but, um, yeah, what a gift. So what's a couple of red flags that some somebody reaches out to, you know, they go to a local counselor somewhere and what's something that I think of as a therapist. So my translation for clients out there or potential clients listening to this, and remember, I was a client before I ever became a therapist, so I know what that feels like too,

and I continue to put myself in that seat. If you don't feel safe with this person, that's the biggest red flag. It could just be vibes. It could be that you're not connecting with them. But ultimately, if you don't feel safe with this person, how can you expect yourself? How can you force yourself to really become intimate and vulnerable with somebody that you don't feel good with, that you don't feel safe with? So tune into your feelings because they're really important here.

This relationship you're about to enter with a therapist, granted, it's not going to be the same as a friendship or a loving, significant other. This person is a professional. This is a professional business relationship at the end of the day, but you're still two humans. And if there's no connection, I think that's something that you should listen to your gut about. And that can be very challenging for some people

because it took so long to find this first person in the first place. But I think you owe it to yourself and your healing journey and the process that you're taking ownership of to find the right provider for you. So that's the number one thing to look out for is if you don't feel safe, that's a red flag. You know, if the therapist even says anything that maybe you feel like is a blind spot, that's something to pay attention to. I wouldn't say that that's a reason to change therapists, but you want to make sure that you feel comfortable with this person's approach.

So you can come prepared to your first initial sessions with questions. You can ask questions about their approach. You can ask questions about what to expect. You can ask questions about how they generally structure sessions, what you can expect out of this whole thing. So when you first go in there for that first session, I said to expect that they're going to ask a lot of questions.

You should also feel comfortable and know that it is your right to ask a bunch of questions and basically interview this person to see if they're the right match for you too. Obviously, signs of abuse, if you are feeling triggered by this person and they're starting to replicate things in your life that make you feel unsafe, it just comes big thing that you want to pay attention to because you don't want to enter something knowing that you're not going to be able to meet on a consistent basis in the way that makes sense for accountability and learning new skills. Yeah. And don't, don't make your life more stressful and just trying to get to your appointment. I never even thought about that, but yeah, that's fantastic. Right. Right. Yeah. So you want to ask about scheduling, logistic stuff. If this is a place that you need to travel to, if you've chosen in-person options,

think about how this fits into your lifestyle and your day and rush hour and all those things. Transportation, is that an issue for you? So these are things now you're thinking about on your own, not necessarily thinking about with a therapist. All these logistics are also part of it. You know, in therapy, the dropout rate is quite high. And I think the reason being, or there's plenty of reasons, but some of the reasons I can think of is that it's just too hard to make it fit into the busy lifestyle of a working professional. After my full-time job,

how am I supposed to get over there? Or maybe it's that this therapist works also traditional business hours, which is pretty common. How can I get over there during my work? Right. Or I got kids to pick up or I got food. Exactly. I always tell folks who tell me that I don't have time to go or I don't have the money to go. I often will say, you'll end up there. If you want to go on your terms, I think it's worth that time.

You don't have time not to go. This is reminding me of like some kind of proverb I heard where we spend so much of our youthful prime working for money and not having time, right? It's time of our lives. We have money and energy, but we don't have the time. Now later in your life, if you haven't been taking care of yourself, you may have a bunch of money saved up. You may now have a bunch of time, but you don't have energy or health. And so it's this thing where you want to balance all these things in your life. So you're thinking about and taking care of your future, but also your present person. Are you healthy now? And do you have ways to carve out time for yourself? Because

if you don't, that's an issue for your future. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, listen, Hasu, I'm so, so grateful for you. Just taking the time to call and sort of, and walk through what just somebody who's actually practicing mental health care out there. I'm grateful for your expertise and your service to our local communities. It's just such a gift. And thank you for giving us a couple of pointers on how to enter that space and just being a warm presence for me. I'm telling you, just that gentle conversation. I speak to James and Kelly most of the time, and most of their interactions with me are so ruthless. And just your gentleness and kindness is such a gift and your expertise. You got a great combination of bold expertise and strength and warmth. And so I'm really grateful for you.

Thank you so much, John. Thank you so much for having me. You betcha. All right, hey, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We are back with Seth in the SLC. Salt Lake City, what's up, Seth? How's it going, John? Dude, we are rocking on to the break of dawn this morning.

How about you? Very good. I'm very good. Dude, I just got back from Salt Lake City. What a beautiful city. Yeah, I was there a couple of times this month. You didn't even stop by and say hi. We did.

I hung out. You were too busy, you know, whatever, playing video games, whatever. Hey, that is a beautiful city. Stunning. Yeah. Yeah, there's a beautiful city. Stunning. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot to like about it. It's just, man. You're more than welcome to visit more often, John.

Well, thank you. They asked me to leave, but I appreciate you. I'm just kidding. They didn't ask me to leave. The more I travel, the more this country is so big and so beautiful, and there's so many awesome people. It's incredible, but great community there, man. So what's up, brother?

How can I help? So I have two sons. One of them is two years old, almost two years old. The other one is four. My older one has kind of been my shadow his whole life. Anytime I'm off work, he's with me. My younger son, I just don't have that same connection with him. And I don't, I don't know how to,

how do I make room for one without pulling away from the other one? Ooh, that's a great question, man. So have you tried this and you felt like you were pulling away from one? Tell me about that. Yeah. So this, so this is going to sound crazy, right? Have you ever heard this show? Yeah. Yeah. We're all crazy. It's cool. So what's up? So I was, I was sitting, um, on the floor with my younger son. We were, we were reading a book together and everything was fine. When my older son came up and sat down, my younger son just like got up and walked away. But then he turned back and looked at me like, almost like I had betrayed him. Does that make sense? Like, he doesn't feel like there's space for him.

And it kind of broke my heart. Yes, absolutely. There's so much there. So much there. You know who broke your heart? You don't. Not your two-year-old. Don't give your two year old

that kind of power okay here's why there are two and there's a reason why as a society we've been like you know what we shouldn't let two year olds buy beer not a good idea and we shouldn't let two year olds drive or operate heavy machinery

or smoke marijuana there's a whole bunch of things we've said two yearyear-olds can't do, but we give them access to our souls. And they say things like, I don't like you, Daddy. And it destroys us. Or they give a look to us, and we interpret that look as, you betrayed me, Father. I'll remember this, and I will kill you in your sleep, you scoundrel. I mean, like we say this crap to ourselves,

so dumb, but hey, I do it too, man. I do it too. I told my wife, I'm gonna be careful how I tell this. I told my wife the other day, like literally our daughter doesn't like me and she looked at me like I was,

she's like, yes, she does. You're annoying. And she doesn't like to be around annoying, but she really likes you. And my wife was right. So all I have to say is this, man, I'm just smiling so big because I've been right where you are,

where I feel like that, you betrayed me, father. I felt that so bad. Give me another time. Give me another time. Well, the younger one, as long as it's just him and I, he's totally fine with kind of playing, right? But then anytime my older son comes up and wants to play around as well,

he just kind of goes away. Like he doesn't want to stay and play with the two of us, me and my older son. And they're sorry, as a three, you know, he doesn't want to play as three. He wants to play kind of one-on-one and him and his brother have a great relationship, but it just, to me, the only way I can describe it is to, he just doesn't feel like he has space if my older son is there. I would say that you're putting a lot of words into his head. That's true.

Lots of thoughts and feelings and emotions. It may just be things are loud. It may be that dad acts different when brother shows up. And for whatever reason, your kid feels uncomfortable about that. But articulating there's just not enough space for me here. That's a lot to put in the head of a two-year-old. So I, it probably actually goes back to one of my biggest fears about having a second kid was that I wouldn't be able to, uh, you know, the relationship just with my second

is so much different from my first. Cause I already have a first. Yes. One of my, one of my great friends, man, he's one of the greatest men I've ever met. His name's Brad. He's an awesome guy. And I remember, man,

he was one of the first one of our little gang to have kids. And his daughter, man, he loved that girl. He was an incredible dad, just awesome dad. And they were talking about having a second kid, and I'll never forget he mentioned to me, and it had never occurred to me until he said it, I don't understand how I could possibly love somebody as much as I love this, my daughter.

And so I don't know that I want to have a second kid because that wouldn't be fair because there's no way it competes with this. And so what I would tell you is that same fear that you're expressing there, you're put it out into the world and now you're looking for it everywhere. Where am I not adding up? Where am I not loving enough? Where am I not doing this right? You hear what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, this is not how I expected. Well, I want, I want you to flip this whole thing around You're gonna love these kids

Differently And you're gonna love these kids a lot And my daughter needs Different types of connection and interaction Than my son does My son loves to hug My daughter loves Fighting

I don't understand it, but it is awesome. It's just so different. Like I will come home from work and I'll say, hey, come here, Hank, and he'll come over and we'll hug. It's a good 15, 30-second hug. And then I will set my backpack down and my daughter will square up with me. And she'll say, are you ready? And she's five. I'm like, I guess we're going to have our welcome home fist fight. Here we go. You know what I mean? And it's just this chaotic, like hurricane of hair and hands. And it's awesome.

And then we hug and then it goes, we're going gonna love them differently and so here's two things we can do the first thing is this ask yourself honestly am i annoyed by my my younger son does he annoy me do i feel bothered by him those are the feelings that i want you to root out and those aren't things he's doing to you that's not the fundamental attribution error. When you get in his head and you pretend, you know what he's thinking and why he's doing things. You can't do that. Get inside your own head and say, it actually kind of annoys me when he comes around or he just doesn't play like my other kid does. I want you to root those things out because your young son will feel that he'll absorb that stuff. And I want you to be honest about how do I connect with my kid? And this is the pot talking to the kettle here, brother,

because I'm learning this in real time right now. How do I connect with each one of my kids? And how do I give each one of my kids their own time? And they've got to learn to play with one another and me at the same time, because we're going to have lots of family trips. trips we're gonna have lots of times and we're all going hunting together and we're all going fishing and we're gonna have times when we're all gonna go play family or play house or whatever it is we're gonna do there um but it's what's both and and if your son decides when your other son shows up that he doesn't want to participate I want you to grab his two-year-old little hands and say, daddy would love it if you stayed and played with us.

Daddy wants you to be a part of this. It's more fun for us to play when you're with us. And then he's free to go if he wants to. So I don't want him to ever leave without a, hey, I want you to know that we would have more fun if you were here. And I don't want him to feel forced, trapped into a situation that for whatever reason he doesn't want to be a part of right now. And I would, for the best you can,

don't overthink an interaction with a two-year-old. Let me rephrase that. Two-year-olds are brilliant and intuitive. And so if a kid doesn't feel safe and they walk away, be attuned to that. Don't over-intellectualize a two-year-old. How about that? Okay.

Don't have academic conversations with somebody who is less than 36 months old Lean into the things that he loves Invite your 4 year old into those things And let your 4 year old do things that maybe are different Are your boys way different from each other? Yes Yeah

So give him some private connection time And then someday say Hey we're all going to color. Because it may just be when the four-year-old brother comes, we all end up playing soccer and the two-year-old just wants to color. Or the two-year-old wants to play soccer and the four-year-old, all the soccer balls go away, we just all color. So be attuned to those kind of things. But just be intentional about last time we played this,

today we're going to play this. And if your four-year-old throws a fit and says, well, I'm not doing that, you do the same thing with him. I'd love it if you were here. It's more fun to color when you're with us. But if you want to go play, feel free.

And they're going to learn autonomy. And what they're going to learn is, oh, I'm making the choice to leave this situation. Dad's not kicking me out of here. Hmm. I like it. Does that sound good?

Yes. Thank you very much, doctor. Hey, you're a... Just John, brother. Just John. I like it does that sound good? yes thank you very much doctor hey you're a just John brother just John and you're a good dad man

I wish every couple of little boys had an old man like you who was just trying to love them the best he knew how good for you man good for you we don't let two year olds

buy cigarettes we don't let two-year-olds buy cigarettes. We don't let them hurt our feelings. One and the same. Can't wait to see the internet comments on that one. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process.

You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out.

So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, uno mas. and get the home buyer edge today. All right, Uno Mas. Let's go out to Amarillo, Texas, the 806, and talk to Beth. What's going on, Beth? Hi, Dr. John.

I'm super excited to talk to you today. I am equally excited to talk to you. How are you? I'm doing good, feeling really optimistic about our call. Hopefully, I'll learn something new. Well, I'm optimistic that I won't screw this up for you and whoever it is you're calling about. So what's up?

Okay, so I'm wondering how I can help my husband see that his phone use is impacting or like hindering our relationship and his relationship with our kids. Ooh, you should text him. Just kidding. That was a fantastic joke. That might help. It probably would help. So tell me what's going on. Okay, so I'll give you kind of like a rundown of what our days look like recently.

And this isn't always, but just here more recently, he goes to work and when he comes home, it's just facing the phone until pretty much until we go to bed. What's he doing on that phone? So he doesn't have a great separation between work and home, which is fine because he can't always have that with what he does. So I understand that. What does he do? He's in real estate. He does a lot of different real estate stuff.

He flips houses, sells houses, has Airbnbs. So there's a lot of stuff that kind of follows home. He's just got it going on? Yeah. Good job. All right. So he's got it going on. He gets home. He gets off of work, but he's never off of work. He just moves his body to a new physical location. Pretty much. And it happens to plop right in the middle of you. And how old are your kids? Our kids are three and four months old.

Oh, geez. So, yeah. Yeah, I am, I am, I've lived this life. I was your husband. And I lost years with my family to a stupid cell phone i lost them and i can get i can get emotional if i let myself because they're gone i can never ever have them back and there will come a moment when the light bulb will go off that one more solving a dishwasher issue at one of the bed and breakfast, one of the whatever it is. Yeah.

Wasn't worth losing my three-year-old and my five-year-old and my seven-year-old and my nine-year-old. That's what I cashed it in for, dealing with a lawnmower issue, dealing with a drywall issue, right? Been there. Right. So been there. So tell me about how you've tried to talk to him about it. Well, the issue that we're kind of having recently is he's on his phone and I can't tell the difference between him just scrolling through Facebook and him, you know, typing out an email. Like from my perspective, I can't tell the difference. And just so you're not, no, you're not crazy. There is no difference. Okay. None, especially to those in relationship or trying to be in relationship around a person who is

addicted to their cell phone. There is no difference. I don't care why you're on it. You just are. You're just not with me. Yeah. You're not present with us. You are here and not here. Can I tell you something bananas? There's actually some research on this. Okay. When somebody is at work, when they're gone, there's a physical separation and your body knows they're gone. When they come back in your presence, but they're not present, there's parts of your brain that recognizes they are there. And there's parts of your brain that recognizes they are not there. And it makes you crazy. I'm feeling it.

It makes you nuts. And it makes your kids bonkers because they see dad there, but dad's not there. And our brains aren't designed for that. Our brains are not here, unplugged, here, plugged, plugged in. So when you talk to him, he says, no, I've got to deal with this. Tell me, tell me what his responses are. So unfortunately, like when he's on his phone and I try to spark a conversation, he just absolutely doesn't hear me. And that's one of the main issues that I'm having is I can ask a question three times before he ever looks up to acknowledge

me or same with my children. He'll, they'll ask my three-year-old to ask him the same question three times before he ever looks up and like says anything. Um, I think his, he just is self-proclaimed one track minded, which I just kind of like, it's bull crap. Crap. Yeah. It's bull crap. Like you hear me. Yeah. You know. So let me ask you this. What is he hiding from in your marriage? I don't think it's necessarily anything within our own marriage.

If I'm being honest, I think he's just tired. I think it's just. Beth, he's hiding from something. And I'm not saying he's having an affair. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying whatever he comes home to, he has decided, or actually is,

there's a toxic combination of both of those, he can't handle it. And so this phone is a drink, and another drink, and another drink. This phone is a drink and another drink and another drink. This phone is a joint. This phone is a six-pack of tall boys. This phone is a bag of gummy candies. It is a way to numb out and disappear.

I'm fulfilling my role. My body is here. Nobody can say I'm not present or I don't care role my body is here nobody can say I'm not present or I don't care about my kids but I cannot I'm hiding in my own house yeah I don't know

I think truthfully before we had our second son we did a lot of you you know, our happy moments were sitting down and really getting to talk to each other and kind of tell each other what's going on in our days. And, you know, we would do that when we would take our, our oldest to the park. And then when we had, uh, our second son, things kind of got flipped upside down. He was sick for a few months and we just kind of went into survival mode. And I think we've pulled back from a little bit of that conversational intimacy,

but then that also kind of trickles down into physical intimacy as well. So maybe it has to do with that. So physical intimacy and relational intimacy are one in the same. They're intimately linked. And they're recursive. They work together. And sometimes couples get on either side of those things. Like I feel more relational when we're having sex, and I feel more relational when we're chit-chatting,

which leads to more sex, which leads to more relational. People approach that thing differently, and it's at different times and different seasons and all that stuff. I would guess your husband never got out of survival mode. Mm-hmm. And when you got fight, fight, or freeze, after a couple of months of fighting or of sprinting around everywhere frantically, at some point your body just says, I't keep doing this so I'm unplugging and

there probably has never been a conversation a time a family retreat y'all two go spend a half day together where one of you has the courage to say we just went through hell and we made it.

And here we are. And now what? Yeah. And if you don't have that conversation, your body will be trying to solve for that disconnection for years until somebody at work texts you and your heart starts beating faster again

for the first time. And all of a sudden you find yourself in a situation you never intended to be in. Or he just completely unplugs from everything. Until you and the kids create alt lives. And then he just doesn't have to, I mean, he just goes off to his thing. Right. Which I know like that would be not at all what he wants. He literally has a heart of gold.

Absolutely. And I know his picture for what he would want his family life to be like, and it's just not what it is right now. There you go. There you go. And so I want to look at, yes, the phone is the issue right now, but the phone is the issue. There. But the phone is the issue. There's a deeper issue underneath the phone, which is you don't feel connected in your marriage anymore.

You, Beth. You and your husband haven't reset, control alt deleted after your little boy was born. He was sick and y'all went through chaos and chaos and chaos. Y'all haven't said, y'all are still sprinting. Yeah. And he has found himself in a world he doesn't love

in a situation, not that he doesn't love you, you hear what I'm saying, but he's found himself in a world that he doesn't want and he's trapped. He's an addict and you may have heard me say this but all addiction is when your anxiety alarms are

going off your depression alarms going off you crawl up in the kitchen and your smoke detector is going off and you just take a pillow and you duct tape it around the pillow i mean around the alarm just so it'll be quiet and that's all that phone is and he found himself with a four-year-old and a young kid or and that's all that phone is and he found himself with a four-year-old and a young kid or two-year-old young kid and he doesn't know how to engage with him and he found himself with a wife that he remembers deep talks with and he remembers crazy bonkers sex with and now it's just y'all are running a business together and he just goes down the phone yeah and those things turn into spirals And all of a sudden you find yourself

Two inches apart on the couch And two thousand miles away from each other Right? Right So here's what I'll tell you The worst time to have a conversation About the cell phone Is when he's holding the cell phone

Which is hard because he's always holding the cell phone So Here's what Here's what I want you to do This is gonna take some bravery on your part It's gonna be a risk I want you to tell him And you should put the phone down

And hold both of my hands And look me in my eyes And he'll go Oh gosh Have him do that And if he won't do it You're gonna have to write this Down on a piece of paper, on a letter. No, he'll do it.

Okay. Say, I have booked us a night at a hotel, or I have booked us at some restaurant here near Murillo. I've got childcare for us. We have two little ones. We're disconnected. And I want to talk about what comes next in our marriage. Will you please join me?

And here's the rule about this, this time together. No phones, none, zero. Okay. Okay. And if he says, well well I just can't I want you to tell him I want to talk about the future of our marriage And I want to have no phones when we have this conversation

And I need you to say it like that So he feels you and hears you Okay And let's be real There's a part of you that is scared that you are losing him Am I right? Yeah There's a part of you that is scared that you are losing him am I right? yeah there's a part of you that is scared because he's going away

like you're holding sand and he's just falling through your fingers and if he can't hear you he needs to hear honey I'm scared about what tomorrow is going to look like for us because right now you're more interested in your phone than you are your wife and kids and I'm asking you to come spend some time with me so we can talk about what comes next without a phone because right now you're more interested in your phone than you are your wife and kids.

And I'm asking you to come spend some time with me so we can talk about what comes next without a phone. And in the meantime, I know it's a pain in the butt, but I want you to get some childcare. Y'all go spend a half day together, but I want you to write down your concerns, your thoughts, your dreams. What are you missing? It can't just get somewhere and be like, dude, you got to deal with that phone. Because he'll deal with the phone for a month and he'll turn into somebody who has one too many drinks or is always out with this. It'll turn into another thing. Not actually addressing the issue. Yes. I would love for you to go back and say, we went into survival mode when our youngest one was sick.

And I miss you. What does it look like for us to start sleeping together again? What does it look like for us to start having chit chats again when you get home? What's it look like for you to come home and from 5 to 9 p.m. there are no cell phones? And you have somebody else that can take that call. I'd rather spend the money than lose my husband. What's it look like for you to go play with our kids with no phone? But I need this phone to be – that will come up, but that's not the root.

The root is he's exhausted and he's checked out. And you saying, I want you back. And he may say, I thought you checked out, And so I got scared and so I checked out. That's probably what will happen. And you'll have to hear some hard stuff too, probably. Is that fair? Yeah, which I'm, that's another reason that I'm a little bit hesitant to bring stuff up with him

is because he never complains about anything that I'm falling behind on. Like I feel so guilty trying to point out something that he's doing that's impact or like, that's not my favorite because I don't, I never want to be the type of wife that is nagging and I don't want him to feel like I am. And he never complains about anything that I do, and I know I'm not perfect. And so I don't want it to be this one-sided, well, I'm just doing what she says to keep her happy. And it would go a long way for him to hear from you.

Like, what do you want, hon? What do you want? What's painting a picture of this thing? We've got two little ones now. They're both safe're both healthy they're both doing okay we get to decide what this marriage looks like and four hours on a phone until you collapse in front of the tv that just seems like a like a what a waste of the one reckless precious life we got yeah and i'll tell you two things number one you're right nagging never solves anything but choose guilt over resentment every time you've heard me say that

I'll say it a million more times choose guilt choose hey I need you I'm missing you over saying nothing because you're going to say nothing long enough and then all of a sudden you're going to say it's going to turn to, well, screw you, man. Yeah.

And then it's hard to come back from that. And by the way, nobody's perfect in a relationship. Nobody's perfect. And it's not a competition. Well, he never complained, so I can never complain. No. I think complaining is a waste of time. Telling somebody I miss you and I love you

and that phone is between us, that's not complaining. Going, get off your phone, get off your phone, get off your phone, that's complaining. You know what I mean? And once you have this hard conversation, once y'all go out and have breakfast together and you come back and he pops that phone up, he's making a choice.

And that choice is that little five-inch screen over his wife and his children and that's why this whole thing's a risk it's scary because he could choose that phone he could choose well i'm gonna buy houses i'm flipping stuff whatever he could keep choosing and choosing and choosing and that's why this whole thing is you're way out on a limb here but i don't think that's the kind of guy he is from what you've told me i want him to hear I miss you and I'm not done fighting for you. I'm going all in on you. Let's get this thing back. And not only, no, let's don't get this thing back. Let's build something new. Scratch that. I shouldn't have said that. I hate when people say that. We're

not getting anything back. We're going to build something new. We're going to build something incredible. Let's do this together. You are awesome, Beth. He's lucky to have you. Let's have these conversations and let me know how that breakfast goes. I can't wait to hear about it. I can't wait to hear about it. Ah, you're awesome.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, this is for me, amigo. Armando. I love you, Armando This is off the August and Everything After record One of the greatest records of all time, literally Counting crows in the song is perfect blue buildings And it goes like this Just down the street from your hotel, baby

I stay at home with my disease. Ain't this position familiar, darling? While the monkeys do what they see, help me stay awake. I'm falling. Down on Virginia and Loma, where I got friends who will care for me. You got an attitude of everything I ever wanted.

I got an attitude of need, so help me stay awake. I'm falling. Asleep in perfect blue buildings beside the green apple seed gonna get me a little oblivion baby try to keep myself away from me armando that's a good tune brother it's awesome see you soon on the dr john deloney show