The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Refuses to Let Things Go

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife wondering how to help her husband declutter their lives A mom struggling to date after the untimely death of her husband A new mom whose husband dismisses her postpartum depression   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I guess it sounds like a hoarder saying, then. But we're not letting go of something fully seems hard for him. He's got memories attached to things. He sees some sort of utility or possible. He's trying to solve a future problem with a current thing, right? What does declutter mean to you? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.

Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on everything, whatever's going on in your life. your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, the traumas you got in your life, the challenges you got, whatever you're wrestling with, here's my promise. I'll sit with you, and together we can try to light the way to the next right step. I've got two PhDs. I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades is what I do.

And I'm so honored by the bravery and the courage of the callers on this show. And if you want to be one of those folks, go to john doloney.com slash ask ASK. And yes, we take calls from all over the world, always getting calls from all, I'm getting direct messages and notes from people from all over the planet. Yes, we'd love to take your call and we will figure out a way to get you on. Let's go to Detroit Rock City and talk to Kimberly. What's up, Kimberly? Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

I'm doing great. It's 46 degrees of Michigan, and I'm a mail carrier, so I can't complain. How do we declutter our home together when we don't. don't see eye to eye on it. But for the sake of our children is where I feel nervous in the future if we don't do something about it now. Okay. Tell me what's going on.

What's the thing beneath the thing? So I guess I sound like a hoarder saying, but we're not. It's just we have so much clutter in our homes and things that we have collected from years of just of life. And decuttering for him seems way more difficult. open it is for me. I'm willing to throw out anything, donate, get rid of it. If I haven't used it, I want it gone. And for him, it's not the same way. He has a reason why we have to keep everything. Gotcha. How old are you guys?

I'm 33 and he's 38. How long have y'all been married? Three years. Okay. Is this the first marriage for both of you? Yes. Okay, so y'all, y'all had independent lives before y'all got married? Right. Which meant you all had independent stuff, an independent way of doing things and independent ways of coping with various anxieties and stressors and whatever. Right.

Okay. So backing out even further than the clutter. We'll get to the clutter because I got some pretty concrete thoughts and some data-based thoughts on clutter. Okay. Where are other places, give me an example of another place where a 27-year-old married a 35 year old and y'all have struggled and doesn't have to be a bad struggle right but where y'all are like trying to combine lives well honestly i don't think in other areas we struggled at all it was

everything combining like even when we talked about our childhoods that we were so everything was so similar like we mesh so well and so perfectly and i still think we do except getting rid of clutter seems to be an issue. So tell me about this clutter. Is he a collector? Is he have a bunch of like Pokemon cards? Is he a prepper? Is he like me? He's not even like, he's got stuff? Well, I, okay, so I'd say he's more of a prepper, more of a, um, we might need this type of thing. Ah, okay. So give me an example of some of the clutter. Okay, so like the other week, I bought a whole new set of pots and pans. Okay. Because all the other ones are bad. And instead of getting rid of all of the other ones, we have to keep a few just in case, you know?

It's like, no, no, no, no, why would we do that? But so then in our garage, we have a shelf with all these things that we're never going to touch, but it takes up space. So it's nothing like extreme of like, well, there's a whole room full of this because he collects this. It's just like letting go of something fully seems hard for him. Okay. And when you've talked to him about it, what does he say? memory. So when I talked to him about it, he's open-minded and we

were both on the same page. And I'm not great at organizing either. That's part of the problem here. But when it comes down to actually get him rid of things, it's like the space still isn't empty and we don't

have, it's like we're not decuttering the way he thinks we are. Or at least to my expectations, I guess. So let's reverse this. So he doesn't want to get rid of stuff. He's got memories attached to things. He sees some sort of utility or possible.

He's trying to solve a future problem with a current thing, right? What does declutter mean to you? I feel like it would make cleaning the house way easier. No, not what I'm asking. No, I want you to give him, and so I want you to give me, but you're actually talking to him,

what is a finish line? When would he be able to drop his shoulders and say we are officially decluttered. I guess when we have empty spaces so that we have room for our young family to continue growing in the house, like actual, like a closet doesn't have to be packed just because we're living there right now. There can be empty shelves because our kids are young. They're only going to bring more stuff in.

And I feel like as of now we don't have space to do that. So what if you're both trying to solve future problems in the present? Yeah, that might be happening. You with the idea of an empty shelf and him with the idea of full closets just in case. Yeah, that's what's happening, huh? Because if you get to, because when people say they want to declutter, and this is me too, This is why Joshua Fields Milburn and the minimalist gang are close friends of mine. Don Madsen of Minimal Mom.

She's a close friend. Like what they do for people like me who have a natural bent towards handling anxiety, future problems, dragging them into the present. And I try to do that with stuff with being prepared, right? They help me unwind. Like, you need this many shirts, this many pants, this, like, they help me have a definition. Because sometimes people want to declutter because they have, they just have too many clothes in the closet. And I got it's unmanageable for me.

It's anxiety inducing every morning trying to sift through. Does this fit? Does this not? Do I still like this? Whatever. But some people want to declutter and the finish line just keeps moving. Right. Because we've never tried to.

We've never established what we're trying to get to. Right. Yeah, I guess it's fair. Because we've, we've never actually established that or talks about that. It's always just like, let's get rid of things. and that's probably overwhelming for him. I would suggest, I may be wrong, but I would, because he's not on the phone,

but your idea of let's just get rid of all of it, and he's like, for what, though? And you're like, for an empty shelf. Right. That might be as anxiety-inducing as, why are we keeping two of these pots? And he's like, just in case? And you're going, for what?

Right. So when it comes to your kids, here's what I want to be very careful of. I'm assuming your kids are really young. Yeah, two and nine months. Okay. Please do me this huge favor. Actually, you're not doing me a favor at all.

Do you, your husband and your children this favor, okay? Okay. Don't make them the reason for addressing hard things that you and your husband need to work through. We've always talked about decluttering since we've been together. And now that the kids are here and young, they are the reason I keep pushing this. Okay. And I keep talking about it. So bring back that fear into the middle of your chest

where you as the adult have the strength to carry it. Okay. And ask yourself, have we created two people who love each other, who are all game on? It sounds like you like this guy, which is awesome. Yeah, no, he's great. Okay, and it sounds like he likes you, right? Yeah.

Yeah, that's amazing. Okay, so you got two awesome people here who are, still like we're just three years in to unpacking like the old lives that we had that were stable and good and whatever and now we're trying to combine them we've accidentally created an anxious house right

and that could be everything from money to secrets to fitness and health to any to work stress any number of things and it gets and it shows up over here. And what most people spend their lives doing is playing whack-a-mole with symptoms.

I want to hang on to this. Well, I want an empty shelf. Well, I want an empty shelf. I want to hang on to this. When really the core issue is, how do we anchor in deeply and create a very non-anxious house, which gives everybody the margin to say,

you know what? I really think we're going to need those pans someday, but fine, throw them away. Or I really would like just there to be nothing. nothing on that shelf, but there's some books and we're all going to live. Right. Right. Because by the way, your young kids, they can only bring into the house what you allow them to bring in.

Right. No, that's totally fair. That makes sense. Because that's the first thing he brought up when we were talking about it was there's so many toys. Well, the toys don't bother me because they're just going to be everywhere right now. it's like the spaces that make for me cleaning the house feels way harder when it doesn't seem like everything has a home because the closets are full of things that we don't even use. Like old sheets from Gam Gam Gam who made them years ago that we're still holding on to. Listen, Gam Gam Gam Sheets are real. I'm just kidding.

All right. So, but what I just said something that I'm like, are you kidding? And then one day, this was years ago even, he bagged those up and took him to his mom's house, which is, They're not in my house, but what are they going to do there? Just collect dust? I know, but I've also been through the exercise. I've talked about on the show before where I just kept my granddad, who's one of my heroes, gave me an old Tweed jacket. When I was working at the university, he gave me an old jacket.

He was like, this looks like it. It never fit from the moment he handed it to me. And I think I moved that to like seven different houses or five different houses. Before I went through, like, and it was a psychological unwinding. I literally had to say out loud to myself, my grandfather is not in this jacket. Right, right. And that was hard, right?

Yeah, no. I could only do that when I was getting well and being honest about other things. So what I heard you just say is actually the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing, kind of leaked out. Oh, God, what was it?

Do you think you live in a messy, in a gross house? No, I don't think it's gross. I think it's very clean. It's just not organized. And that bothers me because I'm usually the primary person cleaning. Okay.

So is any of this about shared responsibilities at your house? No. No? Okay. Awesome. I don't think so. Mm-mm. Is any of this about this pervasive sense that there's something that I haven't cleaned yet? Probably.

I mean, that bothers me. Okay. Because, yeah, yeah. It just feels like there's so much. It's like, it gives me anxiety to think of how much stuff we have that we don't even use. And what's the root? of that anxiety?

Is it that you have too much and there's needy people out there? Is it that you're not being good stewards of your money? Like what is the root of that anxiety? I mean, maybe that's part of it being good stewards with our money because I feel like even the stuff

we hold on to that's like, oh, we might need this one day. When that day comes, you can't really, you don't know where you put it. You don't know which box it's in in the basement. So then you're just buying something. Do you know what I mean?

It's like you're not even using what you're holding on to because you're in a box in a closet and now it's just sitting there in storage and I feel like if we're putting it away or saving it or holding onto it we should just get rid of it or donate it because there's no reason to hold on to something

don't sit it, let it sit there. Okay. So hanging on to things excessively to the point that they begin to pile up and over time, like you mentioned, hoarding is kind of the worst like all the way down the, you know, outside the bail curve, right? We're not hoarders by any means.

No, I know, I know. Also, if his mom is, or if his dad is, or his sister is, you can see where this is heading, right? That's the thing, though, and his mom's house is, like, empty. She doesn't, and maybe that's the opposite of that, right? Yeah. Maybe that's it. Because I was thinking about this the other day. Like, she, I mean, she has a living room that's literally empty.

When my granddad passed away, we found old coffee cans that he had saved, full of nails that he had straightened. Why? Because he was born and raised during the Great Depression. Right. And so I can look at him and say, that's crazy. But his nervous system said, we might run out of nails. Right. And so if your husband grew up in a home where we have nothing, it makes sense. It doesn't make it right, but it gives me a context that says, man, he's hanging on to stuff because he has been a kid who said, we have nothing, and I don't ever want my kids to feel that again. Right. And you may have grown up in a home where cleanliness, if you're not clean, you're something wrong with you. I'm making something up, right? But you might have this, there was stuff my dad had deerheads and posters and whatever on the wall. I want nothing on the wall. I need everything. Here's what I'm getting at. Fighting about the clean shelf versus the not clean shelf, and y'all aren't fighting, I know, but y'all having discussions. That ends up being a proxy war for. Here's what peace feels like for me. me what peace feels like for you. And it might be that you say, I would feel loved,

a way you can love me, is give me two completely empty closets. He would tell you that most of the closet is already mine. Well, I know he would, but we're getting, like, and for my wife,

John, I know you have tons of guitar stuff and you have your old punk rock memorabilia and you've got all your hunting gear and your weird camo outfits. That's what she calls them, my outfits. But they all,

stay in one place. Right. And she says, I don't really go in there. And that's, and again, some of that's just like, that's how we make peace. But it is us getting to the core thing, which is my wife really craves order. And I love her enough that I want to give her what she craves. Right. And my wife knows she married a guy who's always looking over the next hill to make sure his family's okay.

And sometimes he looks over 19 hills ahead and he makes up stories and tries to. but I love him and so let's come to that place right right but if she was always saying it's too cluttered

get rid of it get rid of it we just need to get rid of it I would my impulse would be to grab and hold hmm

I guess that makes sense because she would be enacting the exact fear I have right right yeah that makes sense so here's the question I want you to ask each other

right right okay okay We've talked about clutter. We've talked about decluttering. We disagree on how we do it. All that's fine, well and good. By the way, check out the minimalists.

They have a 30-day decuttering program. The minimalist mom, Don Mattson, and she has programs for decluttering. They're amazing. And they go in small steps. So they're palatable for most folks. If you're struggling with hoarding disorder, then it's a whole other thing.

But those are the two resources that I use in my house. Okay. But get to this question. when it comes to decluttering, how can I best love you while we donate and sell things to folks who will need them? And then answer him, here's how you can love me when it comes to creating

a little more order, a little more clarity in our home. Too much clutter does create anxiety. And sometimes anxiety is the pathway towards accumulation and clutter, which turns into pathological down there. the road. So there is a relationship between lots of clutter and feeling anxious all the time. And it's recursive. Sometimes it starts one way and ends the other. And sometimes it starts one way and ends yet another. But let's get to the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing.

We both agree we got to declutter. We're not agreeing on how we can do it. Let's wipe the table and say, okay, we got a bunch of stuff here. I don't feel safe in a house with 72 pots and pants. It's too much. It overwhelms me. And the thought of getting rid of all of them, overwhelms you. Okay? So what's a path forward for both of us? How can I love you and how can you love me? And my hope is,

y'all are both awesome people, that that means I'm going to be uncomfortable and I'm going to give away a bunch of these pots and pans. And also, you know what? I've got these two closets that are completely clean. I'm going to give him the stinking basement. Fill it up, brother. Fill it up.

As long as everybody's safe, there's no rats down there, whatever. You know what? keep your box full of shenanigans, right? It's finding that thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing. I think y'all on the right track. I think it's just part of joining families. And I also think this is a great example of two people who love each other,

both kind of want the same thing, and they don't know how to get there. And suddenly that becomes the fight, when really where I want you all to connect is, how can I best love you in this moment? And loving you is going to cause me some internal discomfort, and that's okay. because you, our marriage, are more important than me feeling all the time.

Both and. You're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We come back. A widowed woman asks if she should start dating or wait until her teenage daughter is all grown up. Y'all know that I hate being online, but the truth is I'm everywhere online. I'm on podcast, social media, YouTube, and because of that, my personal information. My face is everywhere on the internet.

and this is why I joined Delete Me. And just because you're not a podcaster doesn't mean your information isn't also all over the internet. Everyone's information is everywhere. Phone number, home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on data broker websites that buy and sell your personal private stuff to the highest bidder. And I don't want to worry about scammers

having personal details about me and my family, and I know you don't either. Delete Me scans hundreds of business. data broker sites, finds your personal information, and they remove it for you. And then, Delete Me keeps checking month after month to make sure your information stays with you. Clean up the digital clutter and take back the parts of your life you never meant to share. Go to join deleteme.com slash Deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's Join, J-O-I-N, Join DeleteMe.com slash Deloney.

If you ever come over to my house, you're going to find a whole bunch of random stuff, hunting stuff, fishing stuff, but you're also going to find one main theme. My family loves cozy earth. Their sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels, they've taken over our house. Why? Because they're awesome. They're incredible. They're comfortable. They last.

Like take the towels, for instance. When you wash them a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag. They stay an amazing towel. And getting into my bed with cozy earth sheets just makes my night better. And seeing my wife and my daughter smile wearing the pajama sets, that makes me smile. And listen, on their sheets, towels, listen, Cozy Earth offers a hundred night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty. So there's no risk to filling your house with cozy earth gear. Try it for yourself.

Trust me. Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney and you'll save up to 20%. send off your entire order. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, cozyEarth.com slash deloney, use code Deloney. Bring Cozy Earth into your home. You're going to love it.

All right, we're back. Hey, like or subscribe, do all that stuff. Really helps the show. Hit the subscribe and like button. It will get Kelly off my back. All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California, and talk to Christine. What's up, Christine?

Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. What's up? I have one of those questions that seem simple, but if you ask like five different people, you'll get five different answers, right? Yes. So I wanted your input on it.

So I am 45 years old. I'm a widow. My husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2021. My goodness gracious. Yeah, it was, I mean, that will just pick your whole world upside down and just shake it for years. Yeah. What was his name?

Will. Was he awesome? Yeah, yeah, he was. And I miss him every day. Yeah. Do you all have kids? Yeah, we have one daughter. She was eight at the time and she'll be 13 soon.

Yeah, yeah. What a nightmareish last five years, huh? Yeah, it's been challenging. I mean, I don't know how much detail. you want or not, but like the first year, we were just basically in shock. And then, you know, the second year, I focused on my daughter and, like, helping her process the grief and everything. And then, you know, year three, we were kind of like, um, the year three is when I sort of, like, when she was getting better, that's when I sort of allowed myself to fall apart a little bit

and process my own grief, you know, with the help of therapists and all of that. And then year four was kind of like finding a new normal. And then this past year, year five, we've sort of been, you know, like coming into our own. So. Can I just applaud you? Is that okay? Oh, yeah.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Like, that's the most beautiful picture of an awful situation. I think I've heard somebody paint in a long, long time. Oh, thank you. Well, you know, it's easy to, you know, when you look back on it, it's easier to describe. Yeah, it's a numbing zombie-like nightmare.

Yeah. But you look back and you can kind of see some order to it and you have handled this so amazing as a mom and as a friend and as a widow. My God. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Amazing. Amazing. So my question is, you know, we're both in a good place right now. Like she's got a good group of friends. She's doing well in school. And, you know, I've got a good social support network and I found some balance in my life. We kind of like, you know, we sort of sunk into a new normal. And so my question is, should I wait until she is grown to start dating? Because in today's society, you have to date with intention. And so it kind of feels like, you know, going to look for a job in some ways. And I don't want to take, I don't want to mess up what we have.

You know what I mean? Like I don't want to open Pandora's box. But on the other hand, Carpe Diem, and then there's like this idea of maybe she needs you know, a male figure in her life as an example. So I just kind of wanted your thoughts on that. You won't like my answer. Is that okay? Okay.

Okay. Yeah, let's hear it. I got two things you won't like. One, you might roll your eyes at, and that's totally okay. And it's easy for me to say, because as of this moment, I'm not dating, right? Like you, I'm one car ride away from my whole life changing, right? Right. But right now I'm not dating, so it's easy for me to say what I'm about to say.

Okay. I reject wholeheartedly what the umbrella culture is telling us about dating. Okay. So I want you to join me in rejecting job application-esque, LinkedIn profile-esque type of meeting people. Yeah, yeah. Well, I did sort of dip my toes on the water last year. I wasn't really ready, but I tried the dating apps. and they're worthless.

They're totally worthless. And by the way, when you turn 45 as a woman, all of a sudden, the cute guys completely disappear. Just get out of that madness. Yeah, I'm out. I'm done. Yes. No more of that. No more of that.

Yeah. Okay. I can tell by talking to you that you're charming, you're very smart, you're very, very strong. What do you do for a living? I'm a tenured faculty. Okay, yes, you're very smart. And also, you know how to follow insane people's

protocols to get what you like, Rick, let me say it this way, you're a catch, okay? Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. So don't get on, you're not applying for nothing. Yeah. Okay? Yeah, that helps. By flipping that around and saying, I'm worth having fun. Yeah. And I'm worth having fun with. Yeah. And I am not going to outsource my belief in myself to stupid algorithms. I'm not going to outsource. I'm not going to change how I interact with the world because this is what quote unquote culture is telling me. Culture is insane

right now. Yes. I agree. So they don't get to tell me anything. Yes. Right? I'm going to solve for peace. And right now solving for peace might be feeling like you're 14 again. Like does he like me? And do I like him? And am I ready? And all those like feelings come back? Right. That's so scary.

It's terrifying. And you know this. What's your field of study? Anthropology. Okay, you especially know this. Yeah, I do. The only good stuff is on the other side of those feelings. Yeah, that's true.

Right? You know that. So here's the second thing you're going to really hate. Do not, and this is going to sound like an accusation, it kind of is, but same team, right? Don't. please don't cast your anxiousness on her. Oh no, yeah.

What she needs is a regulated, sturdy, joyful mom who also has real human emotions, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the whatever. And so if... Sorry, go ahead. You're not going to mess her up just because you started dating.

If you compromise your values, if you're not honest with her, if you hide stuff from her, that will mess her up. Okay. Okay. And how old is she? Oh, she's almost 13. Okay.

So we can just expect for the next five years, she will judge everything you do or don't do. She'll make up stories, and her stories will be largely inaccurate. But that's because she's 13, not because she's a survivor of, right? Okay, yeah. It will intensify those feelings.

It will intensify those judgments. but having a mom who has paused her life for the next five years is also a meta lesson that she will absorb. Oh yeah. Now that you put it like that, I see your point, yeah. But having a mom, when she's 15 and you sit down with her and you're sobbing and she's like, what happened and you say, I just got dumped? That might be the greatest gift you ever give her moving forward.

Yeah, that's a good point. Right? Yeah, I just had, I've heard. many horror stories on, you know, how it can go wrong for single moms and, you know, there's some real creeps out there. But I do think that I at least hope have the ability to detect them before they, you know, are allowed in my personal space. So I feel like what you're saying is really helpful because I feel like I'm sort of standing on the line. And if I were, if it was just me, I would take the next step. But it's because I'm a mom first, above all else.

that's what the hesitation is where that's coming from, you know. And I think that hesitation is right and good. And anybody you meet that would be interested in pursuing a relationship with you should be a honorable steward of that, of the order of things. Yeah. Right. And so, like, you're a data nerd like me.

We both know that bringing in non-biological men in the presence of teenage daughters increases a risk factor significantly, right? We both know that. Yeah. Yeah. And so we're going to be extra conscious. You and I would be extra, extra, extra conscious of that risk. Right. Right. But it's still a risk worth taking, not just for myself, but like you said, for her. I mean, in the end, like, that's what I, you know, that's my overarching. I want to, I want to be the best mom. I can be, you know, not that I'm perfect by any means, but I want to try to get things as right as much as I can, you know, so. And so the greatest gift you can give your daughter, who's had her whole life carved in half.

Yeah. Right? Is here is what a strong, confident woman does next. Yeah. And that doesn't mean getting it right all the time. That means saying, well, I messed that up and I made a mistake here and I learned here. and that is the meta gift that parents can pass along to their kids. And you're not doing things that violate your values.

Yeah. Right? And you're not asking a 13 year old for their permission because a 13 year old can't bear that weight. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. But also holding her when she finds out you're going on a third day with a guy. And she says, he'll never be dead.

And you're just giving up holding her and saying, knowing in your guts, That's not accurate, but your feelings are very real. And I'm not scared of your feelings, and I'll wade through them and hold you because you're my daughter. Yeah. Cool. Well, thank you so much. That all makes a lot of sense. Can I ask one more personal question?

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. What's his name? Will. No, no, not him. Oh. You got your eyes on somebody. Who is it?

Oh, not right now. I don't. Come on, Christine. I really did. I really did for a while. like I put my, you know, as they say in friends, like I grabbed several spoons, right? And I tried, you know, I tried like meeting people in the real world, which is super awkward. It's the worst.

And, you know, I sort of tried a couple of dating apps and I went on a couple of dates. But I wasn't ready. So I really did just, you know, turn it all off and stop and just take time to fully process. And, you know, this last year, I sort of, what I did actually was I made an agreement with myself to go out, like take myself out in a date once a month. So, you know, I would go to like a local, you know, Broadway show or check out a local band or something like that. And if a friend wanted to go with me, that's fine. But otherwise I would just go by myself. And so I took that time to have adult time outside of the house and to intentionally.

just sort of be single for a while and not really and sort of like shell the concept of dating. And so now I'm starting to, now I feel like I, like maybe I'm going to pick it back up. But like I said, I was hesitating because I'm like maybe, because I do have friends that, you know, they'll say, yes, you should definitely wait. Don't even think about bringing a man. And I've got other friends who're like, oh, yeah, sleep as many men or date as many men as you want, but just pretend like you're not doing it. Like just act like you're not doing it.

of those sets of friends are idiots, never listen to them for anything, for anything, right? Well, you know, people give advice based on their personal experiences. Not even their experiences, they give their advice based on their social media's profile, like just on their algorithm feed. So, geez, both of those advices are so stupid, right? Yeah, okay. But like, the path you're taking is awesome. Here's where grief will set in in a heavy way, okay?

Okay. And you're like, I've already had enough. but there's still more to come. Greaves number one, path one might be, you realize I'm married my guy and he's gone. Yeah. And so I go on some dates.

I even flirt with getting serious and with a couple of them and they can't compete. Which means I'm going to grieve because my right or die is gone and I'm going to put in a period at the end of that sentence. Yeah.

And that would be heavy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Or you meet somebody else who lights you up like a Christmas tree. You start having fun and then you get all those crazy things like I never would have met you if, right?

And how am I allowed to have fun here when this happened over here? Right. And all of that is completely normal and you grieve it and you just keep going forward anyway. And so I guess I tell you that there's not a right path forward.

the only wrong path is if your daughter knows you or she is your entire world that weight will crush her yeah yeah she has to know mom leaves her and goes to concerts and mom has friends and over time sitting down and saying hey it's been five years or six years i'm dating somebody yeah yeah i would not tell my 13 year old on first date number one i wouldn't do that yeah but i wouldn't lie if they asked. Yeah. That sound fair? Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. 100%. And I recently read this the greatest place for somebody in what I would call middle age to meet somebody. Just get silly about asking your friends to hook you up with somebody awesome.

I've done that and I always get the answer like, oh, the ones, my friends are single or single for a reason. Like that's what I'm always here. I'm like, okay. Keep it that. And maybe they're single for one reason, but not, I don't know, dude. But I think we all forgot that most of us had our first boyfriend or girlfriend.

We were younger, especially those of us in our 40s or like in our 80s like Kelly, like because someone's like, dude, I know someone who likes you or I have a friend who. And we've just kind of given that up for the resume. and the dating app world. And it's like, no, dude, you're my closest friends, you know me. If you think there's somebody that I might be interested in or might have a good time with, dude, give me their number.

And again, it feels like we're 15 all over again. And we forget how nerve of that, racking all of that was, but here we are, right? You're awesome. And I'll just tell you again, how you've navigated this over the last five years. Awesome. Shout out to Will for being a good.

a great husband and a great father and leaving a great legacy. And shout out to you, Christine, for saying, okay, I've still got half my life left. What's that going to look like? I get to choose it. That looks like I'm going to take intentional steps into that. That's awesome. And to your friends who give you bad advice, stop talking, right? Thank you so much for the call, sister.

We come back. A woman asks how to help her husband understand her postpartum depression. Hey, most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything, your mood, your relationships, even your mental health. And you can't fake being rested or endlessly cover up this feeling of fatigue with caffeine and other stimulants. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. It's why my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses. We started with one, and now every bed in my home has a Helix mattress.

Here's why. Helix makes sleep awesome. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not average sleepers. So whether you run hot, sleep on your side, crash on your back, whatever, Helix builds mattresses for you. I took their sleep quiz, and they matched me with exactly the right fit, and it took like two minutes. It was online, and it was easy, and it has made an incredible difference in how I sleep and how I function during the day.

And right now, Helix is giving my audience an exclusive 20% off site wide. Go to helixleep.com slash Deloney to get 20% off your mattress purchase. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, Helix sleep.com slash Deloni. Be sure to tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney's show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to the scope. And how do they say that? I'm just a Skogi from Muskogee.

What's that song? An Oki from Muskochi? Oki from Muskochi. I blew that one. Well, she's from Oklahoma City, so not any of that. Let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to Elise. What's up, Elise? Hi, how are you?

I'm doing all right. How about you? I'm okay. What's going on? So I kind of just need help and how to talk to my husband about my postpartum struggles. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression when I was about a month postpartum. Oh man.

How long ago was that? Well, my son just turned six months, so five months ago. I think I was struggling well before that, though, because I had a pretty traumatic pregnancy and delivery. So it was all just really hard, but when I would go to talk to my husband about it, all I would get was, I don't know what you want me to say, you know, try some

medication, so on and so forth. And I've been struggling with trying to get him to understand the last five months. And our marriage is really kind of at a point where either he, you know, offers some support and tries to understand or I'm not sure where we go from here. Okay. I'm sorry. You've been going through this. Thank you.

Feeling like you're being betrayed by your own body is terrifying, huh? It is. It's awful. Yeah. And then feeling like your ride or die isn't helping or isn't being supportive is even more nightmarish, right? Yeah, it is. Yeah. So take away, I've got some ideas on how y'all can move forward when it comes to the particular question you ask me, but I want to ask a broader question. Okay.

Where else are y'all not connecting? Or where else are y'all missing each other? Um, I would say intimacy is really hard for me right now. Like, just, it's overwhelming. Um, and for him, like, that's what he wants. That's what he needs to connect to me. and like I don't want that right now. And it's been really hard to try to push through that. Okay. For him, I think especially because I felt neglected, you know, pretty much since we got home from the hospital.

Yeah. Pushing through ends today. Okay. Okay. We're not going to do guilt sex. We're not going to do coerced sex. We're not going to do or he's going to leave me sex. Okay.

Okay. Same team? Yeah. Okay. He wants sex. I get that. He wants to be with you. I get that. But there's a level of compassion. There's just basic human kindness. Right. Missing here, right? Right. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to give you a path, but it's not going to be the one you want to hear. Is that okay? Yeah, that's fine. Okay. Here's what I want you to at least give him a chance. with. Okay. It's easy for me where I'm sitting to say he's failing you. Right. I'll also admit that when

my wife was struggling, I did not know what to do. And I also didn't know what to do, except I knew that when I try to fix her or fix things in her life, that's not the right answer either. And so I remember the powerless feeling. Okay. I'm not giving him a pass at all in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but I do want to give you a context, okay? Okay.

The question I would have for you is, give me a few examples, a few things that he could do starting today that would make you feel loved and seen and known and begin to reestablish safety underneath your feet.

Oh gosh. It's a loaded question. Just start ripping them off. Oh, I want to shower without having to ask for permission, that would be one. Who do you have to ask permission to shower from? Pretty much him. What? Tell me about that.

Well, you know, if I go to shower, not even five minutes later, the baby will start screaming and he'll bring him in. And basically it would be like, I can't handle it. here he is and I'll be either in the middle of my shower and, you know, I'm working mom. I work two jobs and I'm a student as well. So, you know, at the end of the day when I come home and I've been at work all day long and I come home and, you know, our son is teething. So that's a lot and I want 20 minutes to myself in the shower. You know, I feel like lately I've had to be like very stern of please don't bother me or have to lock the door.

That's been really hard to try to convey to him like, can I have 20 minutes? to myself. That I'm not being crawled on, that I'm not being touched. Right. Nobody needs me. Yeah. But it's always that at that point, like, I know that 20 minutes is going to end, and then it's all going to start up again, you know.

Give me another example of a way he can love you. He used to do really small gestures for me. I mean, like, he would bring me a drink when he'd come home from work, or he would bring me flowers, and I don't really remember the last time I got flowers. Okay. or anything like that. Bids for your affection.

Little tiny signals that showed he cares about you. Yeah. Okay. What else? I don't think that we've had any, like, dates since we've had our son. I don't even think that we had a date while I was pregnant. Okay. What else?

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe just take over a little bit more with the kids, so it's not all on me. Okay. So here's what I want you to do And this is very un-Hollywood This is very un-sexy This is very un all of those things

Being angry with him And being pissed off at him And by the way I'm angry at him right now Just so you know Okay Which is unfair because he's not on the phone Yeah But I'm also trying to remember

Holding a toddler who was screaming And I didn't know what to do And I thought I was doing something wrong And I was so scared of hurting my kid of messing something up that I didn't know what's it. I didn't know what's it. I remember that feeling.

It's again, not an excuse. But being clear with yourself on, here's what I need. And more importantly, here's what I want. Right. Where that gets very vulnerable is you saying,

when I get home, I want to give you a hug for 30 seconds. And then I'm going to go take a shower and I'm going to be out of sight, out of pocket for 40 minutes. You're on your own with the kid. You're a good dad. You all have fun. Make it work.

And if he screams, he screams, if he cries, he cries, that's part of being a parent. Right. I want to want you again. And so here's what must be true. I refuse to be coerced into sex anymore. Because that's not loving and it makes me feel used. Yeah. And not even you used to,

I would like you to send me text messages throughout the day that tell me you're thinking about me. I would like you to plan one day to week and I'll come home and take my 40-minute shower, but this one will be 30 minutes. I'll even set up the babysitter, but I want you to set up a date, and I want us to go on a date.

Yeah. Okay. You what I'm saying? I want you to give him as clear a roadmap as possible, and I know it's cool and in vogue to beat up on guys, but they should just know you're right, but we don't. Right. Right. Right.

Part of me feels like he doesn't know how to handle it, so he just chooses not to in a way. It's very fair. Very fair. And you've probably seen him figure out how to fix the mower or how to figure out how to do other stuff. And it's like, well, just figure out how to do this. I get that. Right. And you're right. You're exactly right. And here we are. It goes back to the, like, it's a thing I've been preaching for several years, which is we can be frustrated that things aren't the way they should be, or we can choose reality and march on from here. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. I think some of my frustration comes from, I feel like he's being very selfish right now, whereas I'm having to be very selfless and everything that I do. Yes. I mean, my career, being a mom, putting all my other free time into being a student. Is he working?

Yeah, he works. And he's also a student. So we're both under a fair amount of stress. Sure. but I'm not using it as an excuse to, you know, not do anything. Right. But he did make a comment to me the other day. He's like, I just want my wife back.

And to me, that felt very selfish because, I mean, I want me back too. Right. But this has been hard. It's been very hard. And I would have advised him to not say that in that way. But you can also hear that as he loves you and he doesn't know how to connect with you anymore. Right. And he used to know how to do that.

And so again, wrong way to say it. But let me put it this way. We get to make up whatever story we want about what he said. Right. We can make up the story. You don't have the same body you used to have. You're too busy for me now. You can make up that story.

And it might be true. Or we can make up a story. This guy still loves me and he doesn't know, he doesn't know how to connect with me now that both of our lives are completely different. One of those stories has at least a opportunity to work out in y'all's favor. The other story ends in scorekeeping and contempt and resentment, and then it's over. Yeah. And you're really hard to not keep the score.

Yeah. That's so easy to do in parenthood. It's so hard to not keep score, especially when it's a thousand to zero. Right. Right. And so, you've probably heard me say this over and over again. When you have a child, especially your first child, the marriage you had is over.

It doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. And the exercise is, all right, now we get to choose to build a new marriage. Are you in? I feel like maybe I was the only one that understood that things would, our marriage at least would change a bit. Yes. And maybe he didn't understand or is maybe still not understanding that,

you know, it probably won't go back to the way it was before we had kids. It will never go back. We could do what we wanted. Yeah, it's over. We didn't work this much. Y'all could have sex whenever you wanted. Y'all could go out whenever you wanted. You all had money, despair.

Like, you had everything. You had energy. Right. Yeah. That is over. And here's what's awesome. Y'all get to choose with a new set of variables, what your life looks like moving forward inside of a new context.

And it's a different kind of awesome. Yeah, that's very true. Right? But there's an intentionality to it. And if he was on the fun with me, trust me, be letting him have it. You know, I will. would. But what I'm more concerned about with you is the clearer you can get on how you would

like to be loved in the next two weeks, and then we're going to revisit it again. Okay. The clearer you can be for yourself, which is hard when you're struggling with postpartum, right? Everything feels like everything, right? Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. What's the manifestations of your postpartum? A lot of anger Okay

No sleeping I had really bad anxiety The beginning But I think that's at least getting better Okay Was it physical or was it thoughts Or was it both More physical

Okay Yeah Okay So But I have a newfound Um Appreciation for all the women in the world Who've had babies

Oh yeah I mean it's wild Sure It's wild Yeah And And It's

It's true Yes, for sure. And sitting down with him and saying, you have been very selfish lately. He will feel that in his guts right or wrong as a declaration of war, as yet another way he's failing. Yeah.

His wife doesn't like him anymore. He can't make his own baby stop crying. He feels useless in his own house. It's a failure factory. Yeah. Or you can say, hey, we've got a brand new marriage now. The marriage we had is over.

We get to choose whatever one we want it to look like. I've got a roadmap for how you can best love me over the next two weeks. And because of the pace of change, we're both students, we're both working a bunch of jobs. Our kid is going to be a different human in the next six months. This will change. Here's how you can reconnect with me. And then that's vulnerable because he might look at you and say, I'm not doing that. And now we have to deal with that.

Yeah. But that's a more honest path than creating. stories, judging those stories and finding yourself, I'm about to leave this guy, which is how this call started. Right. That's fair. And it's none of this is a pass on him,

but it's just trafficking in reality. Yeah. I think it's hard to see things from an outside perspective when you feel like you're drowning. And especially when the person who's supposed to reach on and pull you out of the water isn't helping. Yeah. Totally.

Totally, totally. Yeah. That's fair. Well, I appreciate that. Thank you very much. I hate that you're feeling so alone right now. I hate that he's acting like this. Oh, I do too.

Okay, but that contempt, that's going to, I mean, it's going to melt y'all, right? Yeah. Well, his actions are going to melt. Your response to the actions, I mean, it just creates this downward spiral that's really hard to dig out of unless somebody just calls it and says, hey, we're going to start new today. Here is a roadmap to me. will you walk this road here? Okay. I mean, that's great because so far I feel like it's just been a melting pot of emotions.

Yeah. There's been no way out so far. Yeah. And it's hard to describe to somebody. Like, hey, every one of my emotions feels like they're on fire right now. Right. And he said this, he asked this in a very unhelpful, insensitive way, but what do you want me to do about it? Yeah.

I would have bopped, like, dude, don't say that. What's the matter with you? And also, I remember feeling so helpless. Yeah. I remember getting to the place where I thought the greatest gift I can give my wife and my new child is to not be at this house. Yeah. And I know that he probably feels that way. I mean, he works 24-hour shifts and he's told me, you know, I feel like you enjoy it when I'm at work.

And you can say, I do because the house has peace. Right. And so let's decide how we want this house to feel when we both walk in. What must be true? And if he walks in the door, arms wide open, ready to help, ready to just support and love you, ready to give you your 45 minutes of no one's, like, just you, right? Then you suddenly have a little bit more space, a little bit more margin. Yeah.

Right? And then holding his hand is a place of safety. It's not a, oh, God, here we go. Yeah, that's what it's felt like a lot lately. Right. And I don't want my marriage to feel like a obligation, you know. Yeah, I get that, but there is, there are obligations in a marriage. There are for sure.

Right. There's responsibilities. There's things you do for a person so that you see them and know them and celebrate the crap out of them. And, yes, challenge them sometimes. Man, I, A, like, man, my heart is splilisely. laid open for anyone going through postpartum right now. It's just a nightmare being betrayed by your own body. I mean, I can't even wrap.

I can't even wrap my head around what that must be like. And my heart goes out to husbands who literally are wide eye, I don't know what to do next. And so creating a map. Here's a road where you follow it is a scary, vulnerable thing. But he just might. follow it. And then if he gives you a map, you might be able to have some space to then say, okay, I can walk down that road too. And suddenly you'll have a path back to each other.

And that's my hope for every marriage. Every marriage. Thank you for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Some of my most amazing mentors and some of my closest friends and my wife, they're all amazing women. And one of the common themes I've heard from all of them is that between caring for people and all the other responsibilities and the expectations the whole world is always dumping on them, women are under incredible pressure every day. They're often encouraged to overlook their own emotional well-being to care for everybody else. Therapy offers a space for women to learn how to create some sort of balance, navigate healthy boundaries, and support overall well-being. And if this sounds like something

that would help you, I want to recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right over the platform. With over 30,000 therapists, they have the right person just for you. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support in therapy today. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni.

All right, we're back. Hey, go to the app store and download the Together app by Dr. John Deloney. If you're married, it will transform your marriage with micro habits, daily actions that can change everything in your marriage. Go download it.

Android folks, we're coming. We've got some guys working on it. Hang in there. The Together app. Go check it. out. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it. All right, so this is from Brianna in Raleigh, North Carolina,

and she writes, I recently found a tattoo that I decided I would like to get for my daughter, who's two years old. So not getting it for the daughter. Right. Let's make sure we're clear on that. She's getting it in honor of. It's a personalized tattoo. My mother kindly offered to pay for it

as a gift to me. She later informed me that she was also going to get the same tattoo. Am I the problem for not wanting her to do? I didn't hear what you said. It was the end of that. That's the, you know what? That's the best hold my beer ever.

She just had to buy the problem for not wanting her to get the same tattoo. No, that's weird. And also, what a way to get your kid to not get a tattoo. To be like, oh, that's awesome. I'm going to get the exact same one. But what if she's not doing it for that reason? What if she's legit? I mean, that's why I took it has just been like, oh my God, I love that idea.

I want to get the same one. So there's either, is she being manipulative? Manipulative or is she just being oblivious. Yeah, if she's being it either way, I would say, Mom, like, I want you to come up with your own design. I want us to get tattoos together. I think that's awesome.

But I want this to be special between me and my daughter. I want you to make up a design or get a design that's good for you too. And if she says, no, I'm getting that exact one. I literally wouldn't get that tattoo. I had never thought of that before, but that's going in my arsenal. When my son comes home and goes,

Dad, I'm going to go get this tattoo or I just got this tattoo, I'm going to go get the exact same one. I think that's hilarious, unless it's like a limp biscuit tattoo or something, and that I'll probably hold out. But you know what? I might get that one just because.

I think that's such a great move. If your kid's like, dude, I don't get much tattoos. Sweet, I'll get the exact ones. That's so good. Hank's tattoo would be some 90s country artist. Oh, I do. It'd be like a Garthburg's tattoo. It'll be Hank Williams with like,

yes, exactly. Yeah. He thinks tattoos are obnoxious and ridiculous. He's pretty judgmental of his father. And he's sadly right about a lot of them. But alas. Alas. Now, my daughter, on the other hand,

I think she's going to be sleeved up. Love you guys. Bye.