The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Said He Is Sick and Tired of Me!

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A new mom struggling with communication issues in her marriage - A man with way too much time on his hands after recently getting sober - A young woman who’s felt alone and unhappy as long as she can remember Lyrics of the Day: "Wannabe" - Spice Girls" Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And he's like, I'm just sick and tired of you. You gotta fix yourself. I don't know how, but you know, get therapy, do something. And I'm like, oh, okay. I would say in the manual that I got of things to not say when you're married, you need to fix yourself was was one of those those lines what's up this is john with the dr john the loaded show cool cats and kittens i think i'm just going through puberty did my voice just crack i think it did hey that's all right it's all right uh hey

i'm glad that you're here and that you are walking alongside us. We have a packed house out here. Not really. There's like four people. But it's good to see y'all too. Everybody, good to see you. If you want to be on the show, greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever, ever. Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291.

1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Also, again, we're trying to put a little bit of light out into the world. The show's just got really dark all of a sudden. And by all of a sudden, I mean, since we started it. And so we're trying to put some joy out into the world. So if you've had some success stories, things that have just gone amazing, you've listened to the show and you and your husband talk differently to each other, or you are a little bit, little bit better parent, or forget me. You found somebody else that I recommended and they've been a big help to you. Whatever it is, we want to share some success stories out there. So go to johndeloney.com slash ask and just put success

story in the byline there. And we would love to have you on the show to talk about it. Or if you don't want to be on the show, I can just read it, and that'd be fantastic. And hit the subscribe button, for God's sake. Hit the button. Just kidding. I don't. All right. All right, let's go to Molly.

Let's go to Molly in San Diego. What's up, Molly? Hi, John. What are you doing? I'm just like, well, I'm talking to you for one. This made my day because I'm freaking out because I didn't think my question would be answered. Oh, don't freak out. I'm not very good at this.

Trust me. We're good. You're good. You're good. What's up? Um, so yeah, basically my question is how do I kind of fix my marriage? I know we're just, you're just talking about that, but like, so basically the way you set that up was like, I think you're gonna ask my question. It's not that big a deal. I thought you were

gonna ask me like, I don't know what, what I, what shoes I think are cool. And you're like, how do I fix my marriage? All right. Help me out a little bit. Uh, dig in a little bit yeah so basically um i've been married for three years and with my husband for about eight almost nine and he's just frustrated and you know we've been having a lot of fights lately and he's like i'm just sick and tired of you. So, like, you got to fix yourself. I don't know how, but, you know, get therapy, do something. I'm like, oh, okay. I would say in the manual that I got of things to not say when you're married, you need to fix yourself was one of those lines. Okay, so he's not on the phone with us.

And so all I can talk to is you. And so I don't want this call to be all about him. Tell me what's happened in your marriage the last three years. So when we first got married, you know, the pandemic hit. And then we were, you know, it was great. And then after that,

we were pregnant. And then now I have a one-year-old baby girl. So I know he's stressed out. But then he also kind of made a side business during the pandemic. And he's also working a full-time job. It's just expensive to live in San Diego. No question about it. No question about it.

But what does that have to do with I'm sick of you, you need to fix yourself? So basically, our fights are very repetitive and when we got together um i gave him a list of what i want so what i wanted was okay so was it did you just hand him the spice girl lyrics like like you gave him a list of what i want well that's incredible. When we were, I guess, courting, we were, you know, date to marry and that's what I wanted. I was like, I'm looking for a husband. I'm being real. I'm like, I'm not getting any younger. You're not getting any younger. So like, is this for real? And my list was basically like, okay, you know, my goal and this is, you know, I was dreaming with him and I would say. It doesn't sound like you were dreaming with him. It sounds like you were telling him what he was going to do to be a part of your dream.

Yeah, so I said, okay. I know, I know, I know, but this is going to play. I can already tell it's going to play. This is going to play into what I think your next steps are going to be, but I want you to own that. This was less about us dreaming about a future together. And this was more about you handed him a list of the things that you want. And by the way, this relationship,

I'm already going to tag it with a ton of pressure because I'm dating to marry. I'm renting to own, right? I am like, I'm in this thing. I will only go out with you with an end in mind, not to get to know you,

not just to find out who you are, not to be, you are a means to a thing I'm going to do. Is that fair? Yeah, that's pretty fair. And then you handed him the list, just the,

you should frame this list and put it, you hand him the list. Okay. And so what was on this list? So basically, um, I just wanted like a partner that was, I guess beside me when I say beside me is this,

I wanted us to be like a power couple constantly on our a game. Um, you know, constantly getting better, improving ourselves. And then also staying in communication of like what we wanted and just, you know, how I always see, you know, successful marriages. I just wanted to be one of those. And that's what I told him. And I was like, you know, I want us to keep dating. I want us to constantly, you know, be a positive couple for also like our kids because, you know, I want us to keep dating. I want us to constantly, you know, be a positive couple for also like our kids.

Because, you know, both of our parents are divorced and we didn't want that. So we went to marriage counseling and our pastors blessed us. And well, we did two sessions of marriage counseling because of communication is one of my biggest areas. So that's also why he's also frustrated. Yeah, you're not good at it. I can tell you right now you're not good at it. That's okay. There's things in my marriage that I'm not good at,

and I've been doing this for more than two decades, right? But it sounds like you gave him a job description of this is the way things were going to be. And if you go back and I want you to listen to the things you said. By the way, I'm going to ask you to do something and you have to promise me you'll do it. You promise? Yeah. Do not read the YouTube comments on this.

Okay? Cool? Oh, yeah. No, I know. Okay, good. I do social media, so I don't. Okay. So listen, I believe with all my heart that you are coming at this with the best of intentions.

You lived through hell as a kid. He did too. Yeah. And you have come to a place where that will not happen again. And the way it won't happen again is I'm going to control every variable moving forward. Correct? Yeah. Yeah.

And so I bet you're a joy first time new mom too, right? Incredible. And so I'm going to control every variable because I will not get hurt again. And that means you can hurt me worse than I was hurt as a kid. And I'm asking you not to do that. Let's build something together. That goes against every fiber of your being for good measure. Because that happened to you when you were a kid. Because all kids are, they're just walking, exposed, vulnerable little creatures. And so they absorb their parents parents hatred for one another and their fights and their frustration and all the drama and so it makes perfect sense so i'm not

i'm i'm sitting here with you i totally get it but i'm hearing the other side of this which is i don't want to work here anymore yeah that's what i'm getting to and if i look at what just what you're describing it sounds like you have a husband that is working his butt off to create a vision to to help create the vision for your life and if you go back and listen to the way you laid it out want to be a power couple a couple that's always doing this. There's nothing about a couple who abides in one another. I rest. I can anchor off the side of this thing because I'm so anchored into you and vice versa.

And instead of saying, here's a list of what I want, my demand list, here's what I need. Asking somebody for their needs as an invitation, asking someone to do what you want. That's a totally different proposition. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I hear you. My boss tells me what I will do. My wife asked me, Hey, here's what I need. We'd be a part of this. And one of those is exhausting. You've worked for bosses like that. It's exhausting. I wanted it like this.

I wanted it like this. This is who we're going to, our company. We're going to do this. We're going to make this much money. It's just like, all right, dude. All right, cool. I need a break. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Does that make sense? Yeah, he's just frustrated because I didn't meet that expectation that I set. No, it's not why he's frustrated. It's frustrated because he loves you and you won't let him in. Okay. He's frustrated because as soon as he starts moving close, you push his buttons so hard and you will nag and complain him to death, right? Am I wrong?

Tell me if I'm wrong. Which is funny. I don't nag at him Surprisingly I don't nag Okay So you might not nag but it could be worse Because nagging is just little bitty drops Right like I'm just sprinkling Every minute of every day

That'll kill somebody But so will just letting it all build up until you blast them with a fire hose. The water amount is the same. That's true. Oh, okay. Okay. Listen to me carefully.

The issues that y'all are dealing with are not the problem. Okay? The issues are setting off automated responses that have been guiding your life for years. You will not get the marriage you want by controlling every variable. You will get the marriage you want by completely letting go and say, I love you till the end of time.

Will you love me back? And sitting down together and saying, Hey, let's build this thing that we want. Cause he might not want to be a power couple. He might just want to love his wife like crazy and go for walks in the neighborhood. He may not have a vested interest in being the couple that everyone looks to he just want to love the crap out of his wife and his kids

which of course over time makes you the couple that people look up to oh yeah i can see that You see what I'm saying? Yeah And I understand Listen to me What I'm asking you to do Is going to be the most terrifying thing

You've ever done It's going to be scarier than having a kid Because you already had that mapped out And planned out And blogged out And you listened to all the podcasts And you got the books You were ready to rock and roll

Actually no I just let whatever happen I don't believe that Listen The issues will keep coming up And by the way If you leave this relationship Or he leaves this relationship

These are going to show up in your next relationship And they're going to show up in the one after that Because you have You've married your unfinished business And you're going to have to let go because you've married your unfinished business. And you're going to have to let go. Your body's still trying to ask what was so bad about you that mom and dad split up. And you're going to show the world how freaking perfect you are.

And you're not. He's not either. And that's what makes it the whole thing incredible. I see. Okay. You're so what makes it the whole thing. Incredible. I see. Okay. You're so ridiculous. Oh, got it.

Ding. All right. Here's your home. Like I'm just, you know, with marriage counseling, our passions are just like, you know,

set. Whoever has the highest standard, go with that. Yeah. That is stupid. It's dumb. Dumb. I was like, okay.

Dumb. Marriage is not a high jump competition. It's so dumb. It's terrible advice. And if one of your pastors wants to call me, I'll tell them that. It's terrible advice. You set the higher standard, and you meet that standard, and then you raise that standard. Dude, you're setting your marriage up for a competition.

Yeah. And it's a one loss proposition. And that is not how successful marriages work. No. Successful marriages open their eyes every morning and they look at that weird nose hair and those weird breathing noises and God, what happened to your eyebrow? Like all that and say, I love you because I choose to. And I'm going to be about helping you meet your needs today. That's how it works. I would love for you to take your husband out and say, what I've been trying to accomplish isn't working and I'm sorry and by the way I know he's not perfect he's just not on the phone with me okay hopefully he pitches in on his part okay but you gotta be willing to go forward if you can't qualify and be like

and you know you've been you can't do that don't do that because he's got then he's got to fight you he's got his walls got to come back up yeah him sorry and tell him, I want you to take my wants list and I want to throw that thing away and start over. What world do we want to create together? Together. What do we want this to feel like? What do we want this to look like? What do we want this, our experiences to be? How can I best love you?

And not, here's what I want, but here's how you can best love me? And not here's what I want, but here's how you can best love me, but let him go first. I think your marriage is going to be great if you and him stop trying to compete for whatever, some gold star and be about loving each other and be about a shared vision of what not the next 40 years are going to look like. You don't know what's coming in 40 years.

Let's get through six months. What do we want the next six months to feel like, to look like? How can we do that? And let's start there. And let's do this again in six months. Let's do this again after that. Let's keep building and rebuilding and building and rebuilding and building and rebuilding. And let's do it together. That, my friend, is marriage. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Tejas. Let's go to talk to Jacob in San Antonio. What's up, Jacob? Not much. How you doing, John?

I'm doing dope on a rope, man. What's up? How are you? Oh, not much. Could be a little better. I kind of overindulged on Sour Patch Kids and Chocolate Cheap Cookies last night. Listen, homie. Listen. Listen. Same team, man. Same team.

Hey, totally aside. I turned in my final book draft at 1am on Friday morning. It was due at midnight. I was an hour late. Listen, I got on a scale. It was not, dude. I had a trash bag behind me. I looked at it after I hit send it is the most disturbing Trash case filled with

Candy wrappers. It's absurd And so listen i'm detoxing right now not in one of those like got me a special lemon ginger tea Not that bullcrap, but like i'm working hard now man to clean my soul up so my heart is with you brother jacob you feel like that swollen like just stay puffed marshmallow like you just feel all right yes dude i know it but they're so good they're so good okay what's up oh okay so on the 20th y'all did a Facts of Your Friends about alcohol. And I've been kind of struggling with that. And I am 15 days now.

Hey, dude. Way to go. And it's not a long time, but it feels like it to me. No. No, you don't get to do that on the show. 15 days, man. Is that a win? Yeah, it is. That's a win. We're going to celebrate it. the show. 15 days, man. Is that a win? Yeah, it is.

That's a win. We're going to celebrate it. We're not going to minimize it. We're not going to compare it to somebody else's 10-year token. We're going to say, hell yeah, 15 days. Way to go, man. Good for you. I appreciate that.

Okay. So I'm just wondering where to go now. I find myself kind of struggling. I've been working out pretty much every day. I'm trying to find things to kill time No No no no Jacob

Your life is not something to kill Okay Okay Time I was just listening to a conversation With Peter Tia and Rick Elias It was a beautiful conversation and i think rick i think it was rick that brought up if we had to every morning deposit money for

the day's time we would spend it very very differently our time but we just throw it away we waste it we sit on the toilet for five hours we play stupid video games we just like we just waste it i don't want you to look at your life as something like just to kill until it's all over that's you know i'm saying yeah and i also get that's in that's in like you're in the phase where it's still minute by minute right it is yeah and it's like Trying to find Doing things But not Drinking Like we did

At game night And usually we were all drinking When we do a game night And I'm the only one sitting there And I'm like Man this sucks Yeah dude Game nights are tough

But then I felt better the next day Because I didn't wake up in a haze Of course you did Yeah And you remembered everything But also Okay There's several things

How long have you been drinking for? Well I'm 43 Since I was Probably you did yeah and you remembered everything but also okay there's a several things how long you've been drinking for well i'm 43 since i was probably junior senior in high school i would guess a long time um take me back six months ago how much were you drinking oh i could easily finish an 18-pack a weekend, plus bourbon and stuff during the week. Quite a bit. Okay. Quite a bit. What made you want to quit drinking? I just got, nothing was working.

Everything was chaotic. And I kept thinking I would just drink to kill the chaos. Ah. And it wasn't working. So I'm like, well, that's not working and I'm killing myself doing it. There you go. Let's do something else. Okay.

So what you just said is really profound. And so I'm going to say it back to you in a little bit different way. Okay. You have lived a life since you were a junior or senior in high school that you were hiding from. You're trying to cover it up with a tarp and the thing about alcohol is it works really well for that it allows you to get to the next day and the next day and the next day and allows you to thumb your way i mean just kind of stumble through a marriage and allows you to stumble through work until you

find your next job and but it works until it kills you, right? Until you look up and everybody's gone. And so the path before you, A, quit drinking, right? And you've done that. You are on that. Are you going to AA? Are you going to meetings? No, no, this is just. Okay, you have to.

Me by myself. You have to. Don't do that. Okay. You cannot. I can't. You cannot do this by yourself okay and i know you want to you can't

okay okay quick pop quiz can you do this by yourself no no you said it not me okay you can't do it by yourself all right so that's number one number, once you get out of the fog and you're two weeks in, it's about another two weeks or so, you'll start to be able to see the world a little bit more clearly. Okay. And here's where I think it gets really existential hard. You're going through the physical hard right now. Some people need the doctor's help to get off. Right. It's tough quitting.

Where it gets really tough is when you realize, I don't like any of the men sitting around this game table with me. I don't like how they treat their wives. I don't like the way they look at the world. They're just trying to kill their lives too. In the nerd world, we call it long tail suicide. I'm not pulling a trigger. I'm just slowly ticking off the days on a calendar until this whole thing just rides off into the sunset. And what you're going to find when you're sober is you got a lot of things to be grateful for. You're 43, so you're about halfway done, right?

Statistically speaking. Yeah. And also, how did I get here? I don't like my job. I got to find new people to hang out with. I'm going to have to, right? So you have to rebuild some really important scaffolding in your life.

And that's hard. You can't do that by yourself. I wish you could, man. I wish there was a way to do it by yourself. If I could figure that out, I'd be a trillionaire. You can't. CEOs whose lives fall apart and implode

can't do it by themselves. Multi-bajillionaires can't do it by themselves. Drunks on the side of the road can't do it by themselves. Multi-bajillionaires can't do it by themselves. Drunks on the side of the road can't do it by themselves. Nobody can. That's how we're made. We are tribal animals, man. And so what you're going to have to do is stop. Don't just go to another thing that puts a tarp over your life

that just maybe kills you a little bit slower than the alcohol was starting to kill you. Let's get with a group of people so we can pull the tarp completely off our life and look at what we got. And then let's start building the life that we want. See what I'm saying? And that sounds crazy, doesn't it? Yeah.

You've never even considered that. No. So, dude, this is your Independence Day at 43 years of age. And it's both liberating and freeing, and freedom is also terrifying. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's scary, huh? Yeah, it's just kind of going into the unknown. Yeah, and that's the part they didn't tell us when we were kids,

is when you get to be adults, it's all unknown. Every adult I know is just making it up as we go. Yeah. And if you got real smart kids, they'll call you on it. Kids are way too smart. Yeah, exactly. How many kids you got? Three.

25, 20, and 14. Are they still within your area? They're still in San Antonio area? Yeah, my two daughters live with me. With a 14 and 20-year-old. 20-year-old's in college, but living at home. And then my son, my son, he lives out with his wife in New Mexico.

Okay. I would love to see you plan an intentional meeting with your son. Y'all meet and love it. And I want you to sit down and look him in the eye, in the eye and say, I had this and this and this happened when I was a kid. And I've spent the last 25 years running from it. And because I was running, you as a little boy were always wondering where daddy was, even when I was sitting right next to you on the couch.

And I'm sorry. All that changes today. And I want you to put your hands on his 25-year-old face, and he's going to freak out. I want you to look him in the eye and say, I love you, and I'm going to say it every day for the rest of my life, whether you hear it or not. Okay? Okay. And I want you to be honest with him and tell him that you're in a group, you're getting sober, and that you are damn well determined to live the back half of your life with a reckless abandon where you're going to love and be

connected with people and you're going to go on adventures because I'm freaking Jacob from San Antonio, dude. I can't. How does that sound? Scary. Yes. And this is the pep rally speech, right? This is like the 80s montage, like where the music's playing and you're like, oh, yeah.

And then you actually go to the gym and you're like this sucks Like Sylvester Stallone Made it look so great It's not it's awful it's cold right Yeah So the path forward is hard man It's hard that's why again you can't do it by yourself But at some point if you go to

Like a 12 step group or some group, you're going to have to go make amends. You're going to have to go look people in the eye that you realize I did my best. I did my best stuff. I provided for them. I made sure they had food. I made sure they had shoes. And that's all really important. That's, that's noble. That's part of the deal. But I withheld me. I'm not doing that anymore. And what you're going to find in that process, my brother, is a ton of healing. A ton of healing.

Because I promise you, you miss him too. And those two precious daughters, you miss them like crazy too. And they live in your house and you miss them. You know what I mean? Yeah. What do you do for a living? Project manager for construction. Do you love it

or do you hate it? I knew it. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? No, no. Well, I'm part owner of it. I don't hate. I couldn't care less if you were the principal owner and CEO and you made $10 million a year.

What do you want to do? I don't know. I don't know. It's something I've started to ask myself. Good. Hey. I've just been doing this for 20 years, 21 years. And hey, you're going to find you've just, quote unquote, been doing a lot of things for 20 or 20 years 25 years right and you never

stop to ask yourself what am I doing here and the fact that man you're a good dad aren't you yeah I am

feel good about that oh yeah are you a good husband yes better than i was we all hopefully we all are right yeah hopefully we've been married 20 21 years now we've been married so good yeah i'm right there with you and hopefully in 30 when i cross the 30-year threshold i can look back and be like man i'm way better than i was at the 20-year mark right yeah um even my wife's seen

she's made a comment she's noticed a difference in the last two weeks okay take her out and do this exact same thing that I told you to do with your son

mhm okay cause my guess is for a long time you felt completely and totally alone in a crowded room oh

all the time and my guess is you've probably shared a bed with a woman for 20 years that you love and that you know loves you, but you feel completely and totally alone. Yeah, a lot of the times, yes. Let's stop that.

I say this with all due respect. At some point, that's a choice to hide. I agree. I agree. And you're going to have to practice not hiding because not hiding is freaking terrifying. Oh, I know. My wife's forever telling me, use your words. I love it when our wives talk to us like we're toddlers and they're accurate.

Yes. Yeah. She's a school teacher too. Even better. My wife was also. Trust me. Oh, my gosh. The idea that you are unshackled now, you should feel terrified by that.

I don't want that to freak you out. And anytime you feel scared about the unknown, scared about vulnerability, scared about driving to meet with your son and hold him by his face and tell him that you love him and hug him so hard that his ribs hurt, your body will be terrified that whole way. So I'm telling you that to norm it. It's to be expected. It's the same as when you go in for knee surgery, they say, hey, the next six months after this is going to be hard. And you go, okay, I'm going to do it anyway because it's right. Does that make sense? Most people, when they're getting sober, they experience this pain, this relational pain, this boredom you're talking about.

And they think that they are somehow – it's confirming that they were broken and they always have been. And it's easy to go back to the thing that made them feel okay, which is alcohol in your case. If you don't replace it with a destination, here's where we're going with purpose, you're just going to move your addiction, right? You're going to find yourself down some pornography rabbit hole, or you're going to be working 180 hours a week under the guise of quote unquote, they need me. And really it's just you hiding from your family

and from people who know you and love you, okay? The goal here is to create a life, create an ability to look in the mirror and say I'm worth not hiding because I'm freaking Jacob from San Antonio and I'm loved

and I love other people that's that's what healing looks like cool yeah sounds sounds good you're so full of crap it sounds awful it sounds awful Cool? Yeah. Sounds good.

You're so full of crap. It sounds awful. It sounds awful. Yes, it does. It sounds awful, but... I know it's the right thing to do. Okay, so before the day's over, before today is over, you're going to find a group.

You don't have to tell anybody you're going, but you're going to find a group. Doesn't have to be an AA group or some big... But you're going to find a group. You don't have to tell anybody you're going, but you're going to find a group. Doesn't have to be an AA group or some big, but you're going to find a group. It could be, there's any number of groups in San Antonio, guarantee it. And there's also quiet,

I wouldn't say secret, but there's quiet ones for executives or people who are high profile or whatever. Like find a group. Second thing is put a date on the calendar with your wife. You don't have to go tonight because it's going to take a minute for you to gear it up You probably should write her a letter that you can read to her Okay, okay The third is get on the calendar with your son

Put on the calendar don't do not bail on it. Is that cool? That's cool I I it's been one of my great life honors to talk to you, man. You're a brave, strong man. It's awesome. And I'll be with you. Any way you'll invite me in, I'm here, dude. Call me anytime you want.

Shoot me emails if you want. And I'll walk alongside you as you completely transform your life. I want you to hang on the phone. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, the book. And I'm going to send you some conversation cards for your daughters and for you and your wife Because we're gonna practice just hanging out. It's a thing. We haven't done a long time or ever We're gonna practice just being in Congress in community with love just hanging out just doing hangout things and maybe it'll give you a little bit of

Reprieve from looking around the room of your board game buddies and being like, oh my gosh, how did I end up here? I can't wait to see what happens next, brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Mel in San Francisco, California. What's up, Mel? Hi, thank you for having me. Of course, thank you for calling. What's up, Mel? Hi, thank you for having me. Of course. Thank you for calling.

What are you doing? So I struggled with an eating disorder in secret for a majority of my teen years. I'm currently 20 and I'm fully recovered, but I noticed that I'm still generally unhappy. And I've started to wonder if recovering from the eating disorder was only treating the symptom and not the root problem. When I look back on my younger years, I feel like I never really knew how to relax. I was always in my head. So I guess my overall question is, what steps do I need to take to start feeling genuinely happy? Home life was hard, huh? Um, I feel like I had a pretty good childhood, but for some reason I, I think the, the problem

was socially. I always felt like nobody really understood me, even back in elementary school. A common, I don't want to throw shade at your home life, okay? Yeah. A common root of what you just said is people don't get me. Generally starts at home. And that can look everywhere from don't do that. Like nobody wants, I don't have time to look at your drawings

or why are you dressed like that or quit dancing and singing so loud. It can be any number of small, quiet things that are trying to keep peace in an otherwise peaceful, nice facade home. And what you learn at a young age is, I need to control me. I need to shut this machine down.

And that's a really tall order for a kid. And then often that stuff leaks out of school and then people at school call you weirdo or call you whatever kid and suddenly whoa now i'm not telling you that's your story i'm telling you if i was a betting man i would put my money there i may be wrong i may lose that bet now you're 20 What does recovery look like now? Oh, yeah. So in high school, I had a lot of really bad eating and exercise habits. And now I feel like I don't resort to those things when I'm feeling down.

But emotionally, I feel like I'm not in that much of a better place. How did you, who worked with you to get to this place? Yeah, when I was 18, I ended up seeking professional help and I worked with a therapist and a dietician for about a year. And then I moved out of the house. And from that point, I was able to eat more regularly and move on from those bad habits. So before we get into the what comes next, I want you to be able to exhale for a second. So take a big, big inhale and hold it like as big as you deep as you can. And hold it for the count of one, two, three, and then let it out.

And I want you to pull your shoulders down as far as they'll go, okay? You've done a really extraordinary thing. A powerful, extraordinary, unbelievable thing. And so someone who's just meeting you for the first time, I need you to hear me say, I can feel the strength and resilience on you. Okay?

Thank you. And I think that chasing happiness, the quote unquote pursuit of happiness, is a dreadful journey to go on. And here's what I mean by that. If I'm chasing happy, then I'm chasing feeling good. And if I'm chasing feeling good, then ultimately I start chasing not feeling bad. And if I start chasing not feeling bad, I start chasing not feeling bad. And if I start chasing not feeling bad, I start chasing not being uncomfortable. And there is no growth without discomfort.

There's no achieving a purpose or achieving goals or having deep, wonderful, meaningful relationships without discomfort. And so one of the great cultural lies we've been told is that not feeling uncomfortable is the goal. Not feeling sad is the goal. Not feeling frustrated or mad or angry is the goal. And we duct tape over everything and we professionalize everything so we don't have to see death and we don't have to see discomfort and we don't even have to have hard conversations with our friends we just have them with our therapist everything's become professionalized and all of a sudden we have

found ourselves in these comfortable chairs in the middle of a life that's going nowhere and our bodies are shutting down on us so what i want to challenge you is to not make happy the benchmark i want to challenge you that purpose is your benchmark. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? What lights you up inside? How do you, the old Frederick Buechner, what's the great need in the world that brings you joy, that crystallizes your purpose, that you can cross, I mean, that you just have that perfect X, Y axis match. What is it? What lights you up? I've been writing since I was about seven years old.

Yeah. And currently I'm writing fiction novels. And I feel like I've always been an overachiever and I've always known what I've wanted to do with my life. And I've had that sense of purpose. But I guess I'm going in that direction. I don't know if anything's changed in terms of how I feel about writing as my career. If it doesn't make me as excited as it used to, I think

it still does, but I do feel like I'm, I'm pursuing what I want to pursue, but maybe I want to pull it apart. Let's pull it apart. Why do you love writing? Why do you love writing? Um, it's kind of hard to know. I started when I was really young and for some reason I haven't stopped do you love it because you get to create worlds and then inhabit them do you love it because you like the reaction people give you

when they read your work do you like the like the discipline of having to get up and write everyday what are the things that bring you joy about it I enjoy the therapeutic nature of it. Just also having a routine, um, like waking up, having my coffee, writing. Um, and I do also enjoy other people reading my work and writing reviews or telling me they enjoyed it. I do think that if I was not sharing my work, I probably wouldn't be writing.

So that's a very big thing for me. I love that. So let me tell you this. So at 16, I think maybe I was 15. I got a job at the local Burger King, right? In my neighborhood. And I ended up working there all the way through high school, even into the first, my first year of college. I came back over the summer and worked there. And I learned in short order that it takes about 15 seconds to make somebody's day or to ruin their day.

And people would come in with that, standing in the, in the, in the, that long lunch rush line, and they'd have that dead eye. There was no cell phones back then. So it was just this numbed out, staring off into space look. And by just quietly saying, hey, how's it going? How's your day? There was this conscious snap back to reality, right? And oh, there goes rabbit, right? And so they would snap back to reality and they'd look you in the eye and be like, oh man, it's great. Today's good. Or it's not so great. And then I could say, I'm so glad it's going well, or tell me about it. And this is all while I'm just asked, taking your number two combo with cheese, but no onions, right? It's very quick.

And here's what I learned that, that made me feel alive. And then I went to college and ultimately ended up studying education. And I worked with young people for years until I started – I went and studied counseling. And then I started getting into mental health. And now I'm a freaking YouTuber, Mel. Like I've got a podcast now. I've had a bunch of different jobs from chief student affairs officer at a billion dollar university to burger king frontline guy but if i pull a thread across all of those i wanted people to feel a little better after interacting with me than when they got there i wanted people to have a little more

peace a little more joy in their life and a little more optimism going into their next phase. And so I tell you that to tell you this, you love the routine of writing and you also love sharing your work with somebody else. I don't want you to feel the pressure of that means I have to be a professional writer for the rest of my life. I am one of those too. I write for a living also. That's a hard life. It's a hard life. And the place I work at Ramsey, we have our own publishing house. I didn't even have to go get a deal. It's a hard, just writing and deadlines and edits and sub edits. I was making edits on the way in on the phone today with an editor. It's hard life. My wife is an author. It's a hard life. And is there some places where you can bring your talents to help a business that's struggling to communicate their story about how they can help

somebody's life into the marketplace? Is there a place where you can become a teacher and teach other kids how to get in touch with those feelings inside of them? Is there a place where you can share work with other people or share stories with people? There's a whole line of counseling called narrative therapy. So I'm telling you this to tell you this, your purpose will be less in the action and more how you make other people feel

and more how you are lit up from the inside out. And all of this is gonna have discomfort along the way. And so I think the real challenge moving forward is how does Mel make peace with discomfort? And how does Mel create structure? And I know you can create structure, right? Few people can create structure like you can, can override their innate systems to get a certain outcome. You can do that. You're a gangster at that. How can you become not militant? That's the wrong word, but how can you become very disciplined in here are the things that I know make me feel better. Here are the things

that I know bring me joy. Here are the things I'm going to do them even when I don't feel like it. And my guess is over time, your body begins to shift its default setting. There's a great line, and I think it's by Adler or one of those old psychologists, kind of the foundation, founding fathers of psychology. And it was this, I thought I could make my clients well by taking away their anxiety and depression. And what I found is I just made them empty. I had to help them take away their anxiety and depression, but then I had to fill that back with joy and optimism and laughter and purpose. And so you've done the incredible thing of stopping the hard stuff. You're no longer hurting yourself anymore, which is amazing. It's so hard to do. And if people have never experienced that, it is truly mind boggling that you've pulled this off in the short of time now. Amazing. The next question is, how do I take that emptiness

and fill it up with good stuff along the way? You see, like, I hope you hear my voice. Like, I am smiling about it. Like, this is optimism. This is a thing to be really excited about exploring, not something that should shut us down. It's the adventure of a lifetime.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Does it sound lifetime does that make sense? yeah it does does it sound like woo woo nonsense? it should because it kind of is I just don't know how I find those things that make me happy

because I feel like I have a lot of hobbies but they don't excite me that much. Or they don't excite me as much as they used to. That's fantastic. They served a role in your life. Maybe your hobby is learning new hobbies. Maybe your hobby is, for six months at a time spending time with

a group of wackadoo cooking students and then a group of wackadoo yoga kids and then a group of i don't know essential oil salesmen don't don't be one of those or like whatever somebody who breeds doodle dogs i don't know what like it it may be x and y and z the thing is if you enter into those looking for ways that they will complete you they never will you're complete you're good and worth being loved and you're all of your weirdness and all of your fictions to all of it it's all it's your whole it's now going to seek those things not that are going to fill you up and quote unquote, make you happy. It's going to be the things that bring you deep satisfaction and into relationship with other people. And so I tell you,

if you used to do things that really lit you up and now they're like, man, cool. Give those a ride, man. Sell your bicycle and go get a guitar or sell your guitar and go get a, like whatever the thing is. Another thing I'll tell you is this. I would recommend with all of my heart,

above all other things, to go get a new counselor and to say, I went through this time in my life. I really, really struggled from disordered eating and from some pretty over-exercise, exercise addiction. And I'm now in a place where I'm not doing that anymore.

And now I need to practice what comes next. And I've never had to do this before. This is a new territory for me. Will you help me practice what's next? You may have some depression in there. You may have, your body may respond with some anxiousness. It's just your body trying to take care of you as you head into uncharted waters.

And having a professional counselor to walk alongside you is really important during those times. You are worth being loved and you have strapped yourself to the mast, dude, while the storms raged and the storms passed. And now there's calm water. And now you can untie yourself from the mast and say, all right, where are we going to go next? Get somebody to walk with you. It's an honor to have gotten to spend some time with you, Mel. You're incredible. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. As we wrap up today's show, this is some, I don't know, y'all don't know this and I'm kind of blowing her cover on this. Kelly won a poetry contest in college. She was really proud of it. And ultimately she sold this poem to this group of unknown British women. At the time, they were called the Sugar Girls, and they ultimately changed their name to the Spice Girls. And so they wrote this amazing song. Turns out they didn't write it. Kelly did.

And so this is from the depths of her poetic soul. When Kelly reaches deep, this is what she comes up with. The song is called Wannabe. Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zag.

If that doesn't move your soul, call a therapist now. It's Kelly going deep. Kelly going deep. We'll see you soon.