The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Says He Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

In today’s episode, we hear about: ·     A wife having trouble getting her husband to open up ·     A granddaughter struggling with guilt in her caregiver role ·     A woman unsure how to help her adopted son process emotions Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🏥 10% off select packages at Marek Health with code DELONY.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🥤20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Delaney show. What happened today? We got some text messages that we were having. What did he say? He doesn't believe he is in love with me anymore. Sorry, but that's not my question. Yeah, this isn't a call about how to talk to your husband about low testosterone. This is a conversation about two people that need to have some pretty serious conversations about the status of their relationship.

What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLonis show. I'm so glad that you have joined us. On this show, we talk to hurting people going through hard stuff. Whether it is families, whether it's your relationships whether it's your kids your psychological or emotional health whatever you got going on in your life I promise is I'll sit with you I'll walk with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move do you want to be on the show give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask a s k. All right, let's roll out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Taylor. Hey, Taylor, what's up?

Hey, John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? How did you get in there? Good. What's up? How can I help? So the basically my question is we recently found out my husband, we're both 27, has really, really low testosterone levels and I'm kind of left to not know the best way to help support him because he doesn't really communicate well with me on how to do that. And I was hoping you could give me some tools. Man, I feel like there's a lot in this question.

So what do you know that his number off the top of your head was free T was? I want to say it was two or 300, which it's supposed to be like 800 or 1000. So it's really low. Is he overweight? In the last year or so he's gained a little bit of weight. Not anything to where it's like more really obese, but it gives 50 or 60 pounds that he's been struggling with. That's actually what got us to figure going to get that tested because he was struggling

with maintaining and losing weight. Okay. What about stress levels? Our marriage is going through a lot right now. Tell me about that. What about stress levels? Our marriage is going through a lot right now. Tell me about that. We've been together since we were 19. Okay.

And, sorry, you just had a thing that really happened today and I'm trying not to focus on that. He's struggling with wanting to remain in our marriage. Okay. And work through a lot of hard things. What happened today, Taylor? I was just in text messages that we were having, saying some things on how he felt and that just, I guess I haven't said it out loud yet today, I'm sorry.

What did he say? He doesn't believe he is in love with me anymore. Okay. I'm sorry. That's not my question. He doesn't believe he is in love with me anymore. Okay. I'm sorry. That's not my question. It all works together. It all works together.

Because here's the thing. Low testosterone and there's, I won't get into all the nerd stuff. I'll get way out over my skis. But here's the thing. My guess is he's had a lack of libido or a lack of ability to keep an erection with you or just not wanting to be with you. Is that where a lot of the conversation started?

Actually, it's kind of the opposite. I'm the one that struggles with sex and he doesn't really have the issue with that. He has a lot of depression that he's been struggling with for a long time. Okay. So where does the conversation, where does the low T come in? And I'm sorry, like usually that's where this conversation begins. Yeah.

Why, tell me how the conversation with low testosterone even came up. Why'd you go get tested? So when he was struggling with it, I tried, kept trying to get him to go to like a doctor to get just information and different stuff. And he's not really big on doctors for a lot of reasons, but I finally convinced him to go to one of those health weight management clinics and they tested his blood. We were thinking it was going to be something metabolism or some other thing related, but then when it came back, the lady said that that's more than likely his main issue.

And then everything's just, that's only been two weeks now. I finally got him to go to a doctor after that. He's got another two weeks before his actual doctor's appointment now to get that addressed. But it's just kind of like he told me it. And then when I asked him more, he was just like, I just, it's just a of like he told me it and then when I asked him more he was just like I just

It's just a problem. I have to fix Yeah, this isn't a call about how to talk to your husband about low testosterone Okay, um Is a conversation about two people that need to have some pretty serious conversations about the status of their relationship. We have been for the last week or two since that test. Okay. How long has this been going on?

For a long time? Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately. Yeah. So what you want to do? I mean, when it comes to his low testosterone, my hope is, my hope, hope, hope is he doesn't just run into one of these TRT clinics and the testosterone

replacement therapy and they just start injecting him and he's off to the races there. My hope is they really start with lifestyle adaptation, which is asleep and lifting weights and eating right and trying to reduce stress and really heal the closest relationships you got. I mean, there's so much stressors that they can affect that. But again, that's not the conversation here. The fact that he won't talk to you is less about the TRT. I thought he wouldn't talk to you because he was embarrassed about impotence. He was embarrassed about erectile dysfunction or he's embarrassed about like not wanting to be with

you sexually or intimately. That has nothing to do with this, right? It's you that don't want to be with him. There's, I mean, you're just telling me thing after thing that says this relationship's on real, real thin ice. So take me to the real question beneath all of it. So take me to the the real question beneath all of it Because I mean you're holding a text that he sent today that says I'm not in love with you anymore And you're calling me and ask how do I talk to him about a The conversation between him and his doctor there seems to be a divorce of reality here. I guess it's how I get him to talk to me about how he feels in general.

Cause we have all these conversations in person and then the next morning he goes to work and then after an hour or so sends me a text about something huge instead of in person. Yeah, have you said, stop texting me, we're gonna have this in person? Cause that's, I mean, that's pretty cowardly behavior. He says he has a hard time talking in person. Yeah. Have you said, stop texting me, we're going to have this in person? Because that's, I mean, that's pretty cowardly behavior. He says he has a hard time talking in person because I talk a lot.

Okay. I talk a mile a minute and I. You've got to stop Taylor. Whatever that looks like for you, whether that's, I'm going to ask you to speak and I promise I won't say a word until you ding this bell on the counter or whatever. But if that's the only place he can get a word in edgewise, if he's being a coward, if he's wimping out, if you are having these important conversations about the future or the status of your marriage, and he's just saying, no, it's all great, it's all good,

and the next day he bombs you with these text message grenades, then that's not cool, that's cowardly. If he sits down and you just steamroll him, and talking back is futile because he can't think as fast as you are, can't, he's not as snappy and quick in his responses as you are and you just bulldoze him, then that's something you've got to address. And I understand that that's something that I've done and we've both been doing therapy

individually and together for the better part of a year and I've been trying really hard to address that. I've been catching myself a lot and other things, but he's, I think my thing is now I'm trying not to do anything, he's still just being quiet. And I guess that's, I mean, obviously it's my fault for being talk, not talkative, but, you know, bulldozing as you said, but. I mean, am I wrong?

If you're not bulldozing, then tell me so. But if you say, yeah, I am. I used to really bad. And now when we talk, I'm sitting there, I'll even have something to fidget with to sit and wait for responses. But he just says, he's either quiet or he just says, I don't know, to everything or... Is he allowed to know? I try to communicate that I, even if it's something that hurts me, I want to know, but...

But behavior is a language. And so what do you tell him even when you're not talking? I guess I don't know that. Okay. Because if he feels more comfortable telling me in text, then that means that even if I'm thinking I'm not bulldozing, I'm obviously still somehow not being a person that he can talk to and come to. Yeah. I wonder what would happen.

And it may fall completely flat, Taylor, so I don't know. But I wonder what would happen if you responded to the text he sent you today with, I'm so sorry I haven't created a safe enough space for you to tell me this in person. We'll talk about it tonight. We actually have a therapy session tonight. So I can, I mean, there's been a few things back and forth since, but that's, yeah. I mean, I should have said that.

I think I just, I've gotten so used to him talking more through text to me than anything else that I take what I can get. Yeah. I mean, I get that. I mean, it's like being underwater and breathing through a straw. You take the air that you can get, right? But it's not life-giving and it's not life-sustaining after a while.

But again, I'm interested in your distraction by the low T score. I guess I just was... I feel like your house is on fire and I'm the lawn guy and you're like hold on we're gonna talk about this edging here and the house is like burning down in my defense when I submitted the question I thought things were going a different way okay okay all right all right that's super fair that's fair um can we can we roleplay something? Sure. The therapist, I'll be your husband and you be you and we're sitting down either in two

chairs by each other or on the same couch in a marriage counselor's office. And the counselor looks at you tonight, Taylor and says, Taylor, we've talked for the last year on different issues. Beneath all of it, I want you to look at your husband and I want you to actually tell him what scares you to death. And Taylor, I want you to tell me. I think it's unscaring he's going to leave and that all of my work it's too late because of all the years of hurt before. Okay. Have you heard him for a long time? Unintentionally. Okay. Have you held his face and looked him in the eyes and said I'm sorry I'm going

to be different? Yeah. Okay. Thank you for that. I think he needs to hear that. And what you might find is, and maybe it's worth saying out loud, I understand if you're done with our old marriage, but I'm asking you, will you build something new? The great Esther Perrell says, adults have three to five marriages, four or five marriages in their adulthood. They're married to multiple people. Yeah, I screwed that up.

She says they have three to four to five deep passionate loves in their adult lifetime. And if they work really hard, it's with the same person. And so if you can say, you married this woman and I'm gonna become somebody who accepts you and loves you and welcomes you and provides a safe place for you. Is that fair?

That's what I want to do. I just don't know if he believes me. I mean again, behavior is a language. It doesn't matter a lot what you say. It matters who you are and what you've become over the last few months, last few years. True. Are you proud of the momentum you have?

Yeah. I've made a lot of changes. What's one or two action steps you've taken? One of the harder things is I had to mostly remove my parents from my life because they were very toxic people, but I was used to hanging on to their every word kind of thing. And I've been trying to make sure my first answer to everything isn't to start

a fight because apparently that was something I did a lot. Yeah. I'm proud of you for making those changes. Thank you. I think tonight, if you want to save your marriage, I think you go in and you let them know, I want to fight to save our marriage. I want to fight to rebuild a brand new thing together. And I think the red herring of, well, you won't talk to me about your doctor's tests. And he's going to probably think, I don't talk to you about anything. You know what I mean? Like, I don't

know why you're focused on that thing. And I think getting to the core root of the issue here, which is I think I'm losing my marriage. I think my husband's done. And I need to make sure I look across the couch tonight and he sees me and I and I am completely vulnerable and open and say, I don't want to lose you. And I'm working hard. Will you build something new with me. Thank you for that call, Taylor. That's a heavy, heavy, heavy one. Man, when you started mentioning low testosterone, I did not see the call going this way, but thank you so much for opening up.

I wish you guys the absolute best. I hope you'll reach out after your session tonight and let me know. And I'd love it if he called in and talk as well. I wish you guys the best, the best, the best. And by the way, if men or women, if you're listening to this, if you do go get tested and you have low testosterone, go see your doctor. And y'all come up with a plan.

Hopefully that is action first, therapeutic second. But man, that's an important, important switch to make sure you get flipped on and get right. And it does have a dramatic impact in your overall health and wellness and vitality and just life. So if you are feeling sluggish, if you're feeling like, ugh, like whatever, go get your testosterone check.

Men and women, go get a check. That's important. Thanks for the call, Taylor. Let me know how it goes. We'll be right back. I'm always on the move, both outdoors and indoors, and I'm always looking for ways to simplify my life. And this is why I wear the same thing

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make sure you say you heard about Cozy Earth from the Dr. John Deloney Show podcast. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to Leila. You got me on the knees. What's up, Leila? Hey, John. I hope you're having a good day so far.

It's getting there. How about you? Yes, I am. Thank you. Excellent. What's up? So I'm 28 years old and I've just been making a lot of changes in the last year, listening to you and the Ramsey show. I'm on baby step two and I'm just learning all kinds of better

behaviors every day. So I just wanted to say thank you for all of the progress so far and in advance for this, what we're about to do. Awesome. Well, I say this all the time. I don't do anything. I just talk with people on the phone. You guys are out there all over the country changing your lives day in and day out. So you're the hero here.

I'm proud of you, Leila. Good for you. Thank you. So Taylor said this is supposed to be like calling a friend. So I wanted to start off with just some background info that a friend would know about me. Okay, cool. Okay. So I grew up really close with my grandma and I just watched her work for herself and

help people in a real way with therapeutic massage and just pain relief in general. So I thought, wow, how cool just to be independent, make your own schedule and not have to work for anybody and I made that a goal so that's what we have going on now. About nine years ago I moved back to South Carolina this is where I was born but from Colorado where I had been in high school and stuff so when I moved back to be closer to my grandma I started working with her and learning how to manage the business and she wanted me to take it over so when she retired, her clients had somebody and that also happened. So things

got really intertwined because when I moved here, she was going through a divorce and she had moved into the house that's also on the business property. So she had made the massage office in this smaller detached garage space, which is a beautiful massage office that she's had for like 30 years. And then she moved into the house that's separate from it. And, um, after the divorce, she was, she ended up with her primary home and she wanted to, she was, she let me her primary home and she wanted to She was she let me and my boyfriend rent it from her. So we moved in here at like 20 and 21 and

Rent it from her and then she a year later offered to sell it to me. So She knew I wasn't really ready to purchase a home. So we sat down with a lawyer and just did it, her contract, which turned out to be okay. But I'm putting that in there because towards the after some more information, you'll understand. Wait, so she sold you the house, but she's holding the paper. She's the bank? Correct. Yes. Oh, no. I always recommend nobody do this. I know. I've come to find out.

Right. Oh, man. And that's what it's gotten a little difficult because now she has Alzheimer's. It's gotten huge difficult. How much did you buy this house for? She... No, no, no. Stop saying she.

What did you buy this house for? I bought this house for $220,000. As a 22-year-old massage therapist? Yes, with my boyfriend living in. Is he on the note too? No, he's not. She made that clear that that was between she and I. Well, thank God.

Thank God. I mean, thank God. Thank God He didn't I mean you would have talked about a super mess then she right, okay All right, so take me take me all the way down to the question. This is a big old mess, but I imagine it's worse Yeah, and so I just I have to say really specific I kind of have an outline. Okay. All right keep going keep going My grandmother also got remarried and she had, you know, we had a great few years there. She had moved her husband into the house with her. I worked with her in the back

and she was aiming towards retiring. So she retired a couple of years ago and then she started getting Alzheimer's and her husband started getting dementia and they just couldn't keep anything straight between the two of them. And then he was not the kind of person that could handle that stress and he would put it on her and she couldn't handle it. And then she started having panic attacks that sent her to the hospital with stroke level blood pressures and just chest pains so they went through all of those things multiple times like I was going to the

hospital with her about once a week and she just wanted me there to take care of her because she trusts me and like we have that kind of relationship. Where is your mom in all of this? Her daughter? They live up North, in North Carolina. Okay. Up in Raleigh.

And she also has two sons. One lives close in town and then the other lives in Washington state. And so my grandma had kind of legalized it with me before she ever started having these problems, but I'd be her POA, medical POA, and we had all that done, like I said, before she started having any problems. Okay. So bring me to right now. She is living alone because we got her out of that messy, abusive relationship because he just started going downhill a lot quicker than her. And now as she needs more care,

and I'm like in the last two years, I've become responsible for her finances and her medical appointments and her pill box, groceries now, I mean, just, she doesn't really do anything for herself anymore. And as I try to make decisions, like I think she would make or like, I think that would like improve her life. Um, I find, I doubt myself.

Um, I just worry about her a lot. Yeah. How old is she? She just turned 82. Okay. And you're 23? Now I'm 28. 28, okay, so that was- So that was, this has been going on for years. Yeah.

This has been a long time, but it's just now gotten worse because, well, she's living alone and she just requires a lot more care. She needs to go to a home, Leila, or to get in home skilled nursing has just exceeded your ability to help. That's not a bad thing. She wants to stay in her home as long as she can. Of course she does.

Listen, everybody wants to stay in their home as long as they can. Not everybody, most people do. And sometimes it's cruel to allow somebody what they want when it's not safe or it's not healthy. It's cruel. It's the least kind thing you can do. Does she have any sort of, does she have resources that she can sell off or that she can, does she have a retirement plan?

She got ways, how is she funding all this? Well, that's kind of how all of this came up is she has this nest egg that I haven't had to touch yet because her social security pays her expenses every month. But when I'm looking to hire some help like off of like a caregiver company, I just worry that it's not the right time. How much is in the nest egg? About 40,000. 40,000?

Yes. Yeah, that's not a nest egg. That's, you'll go through that in six months. Yeah. And the business, you know, my business being right there behind her, her home, her primary home is paid for. I know, but that's her nest egg.

How much is that house worth? Yeah. Half a million dollars in Colorado? We're in Greenville. Oh, you're in South Carolina. Okay, yeah. So is that house worth, how much is that house worth? About 300,000 probably.

Okay. But then I sell what I've been, she's been wanting me to take over and she's kind of put me in this position where it's easy to take care of her, like after work and lunch. And that will, you know, only last so far, but I've just been trying to not give that up. I know. I know.

It's a lot, huh? Yeah, she's very proud of everything. And you are too. And you should be proud. She should be proud. She did this as a single mom. Her own kids aren't even involved. She's been standing on her own two feet for a long time, hadn't she? Right. Yeah, and that was very inspiring. Yeah, but it's inspiring, but it can also be an illness.

It's cool to see somebody like the lone... It's cool to see like that guy, James Dean, like on a motorcycle with a cigarette, like yeah, it's not cool to see like that that guy James Dean like on a motorcycle with a cigarette like yeah It's not cool to see him with lung cancer Right because this strong independent I'll do it myself woman she has nobody now, but her granddaughter who's trying to make her own life Right Yes, yeah, and so that that that pride, that strength is so cool, but man, when you spend time and end of life care with people, it's devastating to have somebody that nobody comes to visit, their

own kids don't call. I'm haunted by the fact that you're even in this position. And those three kids haven't made phone calls together to sit down and talk about what we're gonna do with mom. That's wild to me. Yeah, I think to me too, and to her as well. She voices that, she says, why don't my kids care about me? Or I don't know what I must have done.

And I'm like, I just, I say you did the best you could, you know, you always, I've been learning so many, um, better responses. Okay. So she's really truly... Come down to like a clear point so I can help you. What do you need me to help you with? So, when I'm making these decisions for her, that she's put me in the position to do, how do I not care about what the rest of our family thinks? Because they're, like you said, not calling and trying to put a plan together. Are they not calling because they're jerks?

Are they not calling because it's been made abundantly clear your mom does, I mean your grandma does not want their input or help. Because if I'm you, I would call the three of them and say this is y'all's mom, I'm out of this. Now I'm walking away from all of this. Y'all sell, this is y'all's mom. Y'all deal with this because they're going to have resources. They get to make the choices about their mom unless their mom has gone in and made you the power of attorney, the power, like all that, and then they might just go, no, go get it, granddaughter.

That would be correct. Okay. If that's what they've done, then they've put you in an incredibly awful position. But here you are. Here's what you have first and foremost. You have a major math problem. And if you've ever listened to this show, you know I'm overly compassionate and overly heartbroken and I'll sit with hurting people all day long.

You have a math problem. It's very similar to the conversation I've had with several widows whose husbands just died and they have no life insurance. They have nothing. And they have to go to work on Monday. They don't have the privilege of grieving because they need groceries and they don't need to lose their home, like their house, right?

Right. So you need to sit down with either the attorney that walked through all this stuff with you or get some adult in your life that will go with managed care with you. But you're gonna have to sit down and walk through what does this stuff cost or pricing things out in your local area.

And I don't see a way that you don't end up having to sell this house. $40,000. I mean, it's, it's, I think it's four to six grand a month. Is that what I mean? It's, it's astounding how much skilled nursing care is or how much it is to go to a home. Yeah, it's like $30 an hour for somebody from a company that's reputable and- Yeah, but that's $30 an hour. That's just to come over and do bath and change bedpan and do medications though, right?

Right. Yeah, that's not, I mean, how long has she had Alzheimer's? Well, she's had it and been on medication since 21, so three years. And she's still doing everything else independently besides those things that I listed. She just needs her pill box done, food in there. And- But listen, you're so close to it. What you just told me was she can do everything on her own except for food, medicine and shelter.

And bills, yeah. If I wasn't there, everything would be cut off. That's everything. She can't do anything without you. She is completely a dependent. Okay, this is just you sitting in the grief that is reality. And as a dependent, the same as if you were a mom of a small child who needs care,

if you can't afford the house, you sell the house and move to an apartment. And if you can't afford the apartment, you sell the house and move to an apartment. And if you can't afford the apartment, you get rid of the apartment and you move in with a friend, you do what you gotta do to survive. And you have a math problem ahead of you. Because if she lives another five or six years at 4,000 times 12, 4,000 bucks a month times

12,000 times 12, 4,000 bucks a month times 12 months in a year, that can add up real, real quick, can't it? Right, yeah. Yeah. And you've got this business tangled up in that, and I'm heartbroken for you. You've been working there for years, building clientele, building a space. I totally get it. And you had this dream. You all probably spent lots of nights having a glass of wine talking about the dream of you're

gonna take my business and then you're gonna give it to I get that man I get it I get it I get it and she's got nobody else mm-hmm that is such a that's an accurate description and it is so heartbreaking. I know, I know, I know. Because like my brain has just been going, okay, if I can make more money, if I can grow the business, I can- Laila, you can't, you can't.

It just is, It just is. It just is. I'm so sorry. But here's your path forward. I want you to find an adult that you trust. Okay? I want you to find an adult that you trust. Preferably somebody with some sort of experience in this world. preferably somebody with some sort of experience in this world. There may be a friend of yours who's a social worker. There may be a friend at local elder care resources in your local community. There may be a friend at your church. I don't know, but find an adult who's a couple of years ahead of you, who's walked down this path before.

Every community is different. Every community has different resources. Every individual situation is different. Whoever's managing her quote unquote nest egg, if you have a financial advisor who can sit down. I work at Ramsey Solutions and we partner with people called Smart Vestor Pros. I can put you in contact with them. and if you hang on the line here, somebody that will

at least look at your entire pack of your situation or your grandma's entire situation, including social security, whatever that was coming in with that. But it might mean you sell the house. It might mean you find a buyer for the massage business and you have to sell that. It might mean you're out looking for work. It might mean you have to go work for another employer, like working hourly as a massage therapist for somebody while all this happens.

But you got a math problem. And underneath the math problem, you got all these deep deep feelings of grief of sadness of it wasn't supposed to be this way and I'm with you and also thank God she's got a house worth three hundred thousand dollars thank goodness she has a business maybe it's worth fifty thousand dollars maybe it's worth a hundred thousand dollars thank goodness she's got forty grand thank goodness she's got social security. There's not going to be anything left over for you or for her kids when she passes.

But all this money was for this moment when she needs exceptional care handling Alzheimer's in the last years of her life. Just needs someone to steward it and manage it. And I'm sorry you're on an island all by yourself. If you can call your mom, if you can call your uncles, at least one of them to walk needs someone to steward it and manage it. And I'm sorry you're on an island all by yourself. If you can call your mom, if you can call your uncles, at least one of them to walk with you, that'd be cool. But, thanks for the call, Ayla.

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry. Sometimes those things that we admire the most in people end up also being one of their biggest challenges as time marches on. Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back. Yo, yo, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix,

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So my question is how do I help my adopted son through some of his issues that were part of his past and address his severe ADHD. Sometimes those are two separate things, or often they're intertwined, but let's approach them separately. Tell me about your adopted son. So he's eight years old. We fostered him from three to five years old, and we adopted him when he was five years old.

He is my nephew by blood. He's my, my brother is his biologic dad. And when he was born, he was, had meth and heroin in his system and some other issues as well. And so anyways, DCS got involved and we ended up fostering him when he was three years old. Can I stop you right there for a second? Yes. Can I just tell you, I'm glad that I had the honor of talking with someone as cool

as you today. Thank you. I know you feel like a mess sometimes and I know having a young kid that can't and or finds it really challenging to behave in your house makes you feel like you live in a failure factory sometimes, but I'm freaking proud of you. I'm proud that I get to talk to you today. Thank you. Thank you for being one of those kind of people that steps up and helps love people even in the mess Thank you. It's awesome

All right. I know that doesn't pay your light bill and that doesn't help your little boy, but man It's I don't get to talk to heroes very often and um, you're one of them. So thank you Thank you. Okay, so and we're back So uh Right right now what we're dealing with is just he has a lot of questions about his past and it's, we just don't know how to respond all the time to those questions. And he does have some trouble at school as well with his focusing. He has an IEP and he does get help. But we're just, you know, we just really don't know exactly what to do and how to help him

and move forward. Okay. Is he under the care of a psychologist or a child therapist? So he just went to a neuro-pediatric psychologist and he was diagnosed with severe ADHD. He is behind academically, but she didn't find anything else wrong with him besides the severe ADHD and being behind. Okay. What did she recommend as like therapeutic modalities? She recommended trying medication.

I just nerded out. I'm sorry. What did she recommend that you guys do? She said it could be life changing to try medication on him with how severe his past was. Okay. And so we've always tried to avoid the medication because we know that he was born with drugs in his system and we were just weren't sure just, you know, because he's had other health

conditions as well and we weren't sure if adding to it would be an issue. But we're willing to try it for sure. We're just not, you know, we're just not sure if we should do it now or away or... What other health problems does he have? He has a rare form of anemia. He used to have to get blood transfusions every three weeks, but now he only gets them twice a year because we removed his spleen and that helped his condition immensely. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right so I'm gonna preface everything in a very particular way okay? Is that cool? Yes, so I want to I want to bracket everything about to tell you

With I'm literally wearing us a punk rock t-shirt and I'm a youtuber and we have never met. Okay And so everything I'm gonna tell you is only Couched in what I would do in your situation if this was my kid. Okay. Okay. Number one, I would turn off all of the Googling and I would stop Googling everything. Okay. You're going to make yourself nuts.

I would also stop all the social mediaing because you're going to make yourself nuts there too. Okay. All right. So that's number one. Number two, if you've ever heard me talk about childhood ADHD, you know where I stand on some of these things and I have a just listening to you walk through several things. I think your psychologist, your child psychologist

may be right. So if you tried low doses, I won't go through them all, but here's what I would ask of my child psychologist and the psychologist can't prescribe medicine, so we'd have to go to a family practitioner or we have to go to a psychiatrist. My preference would be to get in with a child psychiatrist. They just sometimes the wait list can be six months long and some of those. Here would be my dream is that you would sit down with a psychiatrist and say, can we start with a comically low dose and work up instead of playing darts from the top down. I had one buddy of mine who's a physician who said, if somebody's already struggling,

starting at the lowest dose and cutting it in half, I mean, they're gonna struggle for another 30 days and we're gonna get some answers versus just going in with an entire army of stuff and going, what just happened, right? And so that that That'd be a question to ask and a psychiatrist Who's looking at this report looking at the psychologist report, especially if they're a reputable psychiatrist. I mean a psychologist will

Look at it and go actually I think this is the right move here Okay, tell the psychiatrist. I'm nervous to put my kids on my kid on amphetamine look at it and go, actually, I think this is the right move here. Okay. Tell the psychiatrist, I'm nervous to put my kids on, my kid on amphetamine. I'm nervous to medicate them. They've had other medical issues and they will wade through that. But I want you to, to be an informed parent saying, if possible, can we start low and go up? Okay. That's number one.

Okay. Number two, I would strongly, strongly, strongly recommend getting your Okay, that's number one. Okay number two I Would strongly strongly strongly recommend getting your kid in with some sort of child therapist play therapist and or physical therapist Mm-hmm. Okay a lot of the emerging ADHD literature, especially when it comes to interventions Solutions, what do you do, right? Has to do with winning both socially and winning physically, regaining control of your body. And I've seen it and it's borderline magic watching young ADHD minds engage in long-term physical therapy where they begin to have mastery over teeny tiny parts of their like their fingers and

their feet and jumping and falling and having time with a physical therapist it's pretty amazing doesn't always work but it's I've been compelled and I remember the first time somebody told me that I said I haven't seen that any literature I've never seen it and she just smiled that means she goes was watch Okay and Starting with play therapy allows a young child especially how old is this little boy? Eight. Yeah, it allows this eight year old to tell his story and children speak through play

Mm-hmm. And so I would strongly recommend that and here's what a good child therapist will do. They will work through play therapy and they will eventually move them into some sort of group where social interaction is slowly moderated and it is they like they gently open their hands and let them go. But kids who have struggled with childhood trauma, kids who have gone from house to house, kids whose dad's in jail, what happened with your brother, by the way? He actually did get sober. The bio mom isn't in the picture at all and

Our son doesn't know she even existed but he did have a relationship with his bio dad because when we fostered him for those couple years, he still saw him and so and and he did get sober and He continues to be sober. So he does still see him two times a month and so is that a good idea we've been on the fence about it because our son loves him so much like it's so excited to see him. I know. And so yeah, it's-

Is he still in jail? No, so he never actually went. Okay. With some of the charges that he had, he was possibly going to go. And that's the other thing we struggle with is our son actually knew that because when we were fostering him,

his bio dad told him that. Oh God. I mean, that goes back to, is that a good idea? Right? Yeah. Yeah. And my fear for you guys is that y'all become the fun ruiners, the ones who foot all the bills,

the ones who have to actually give this kid safety and boundaries. And dad gets to carry on with his nonsense. And I know it's your brother, don't talk ill of your brother, but he gets to carry on with his nonsense. Oh, it's okay. Yeah, you're like, I've been living this crap for years. But he gets to carry on with his nonsensical life and he basically gets this this toy that he gets to send home. Yeah. Right? So he can tell all his stories and yeah bro and

like and here's the deal about this about your son. Your son innately knows half of me is that guy. Yeah. And so if that guy's evil half of me is evil and by the way where's my mom? Well that's the other thing we're dealing with too is like he gets more obsessed with kind of like the villain or the bad guy. Of course. You know why? And his dad's a bad guy.

Yeah. And I'm like my dad and I want to be like my dad. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's where autonomy and control and social. So identifying with dad is how he wins right now. It's how he justifies how he feels inside

because he feels yucky inside. And giving him something that he feels good about him inside. But it has to come from the inside out. It can't be something that you hand him. So that's why I hope this makes sense what I'm saying, cause I realize I can sound like I'm talking gibberish here. If you hand him love and you hand him connection, that's external, it's coming from the outside in, okay?

As an adult, you and I can absorb that. As a kid, their nervous system absorbs it, but his intellect doesn't. His intellect knows, my dad's a bad guy. He almost went to jail. And I guarantee you, your brother pumps that up, right? Tells some of the stories. They didn't even get me and I did this.

And he gets it from dad. And he knows part of me is my dad. And so he has to, from the inside out, realize he's good. And from the inside out, he's gonna realize he's good when other kids don't run away from him on the playground. He's gonna realize he's good when someone says, hey, I need you to sit down and he. Yeah. He's going to realize he's good when someone says, hey, I need you to sit down and he sits down. He's able to control it. Or somebody else says,

hey, you got a C on this and he doesn't just haul off and flip the table over. Yeah. Then he's going to have that stillness from the inside out. Is that making sense? Yeah, definitely. Yes, yes, making lots of sense. So the worst thing I have to tell you here

is this is gonna be an expensive, frustrating road. Yeah. The thing I want to leave you with is I want out in the distance in those nights when you were laying in bed and you and your husband are sitting there and you're looking up at the sky in the ceiling and you're wondering if did you do the right thing and I hate my brother and this kid's gonna I want I want to shine a light in that

darkness because I think he's got a shot because he's got you. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. But I want to focus on the wins biochemically if necessary. And dude, if you sit down and you tell a psychiatrist, hey, we just started child therapy, we just started play therapy,

we're starting physical therapy, he's got an IEP in school, the psychiatrist may say, hey, let's wait 30 days, let's wait 60 days, just see. And he may say, no, no, no, no, this is a pretty severe case. He's been through a lot of trauma. He's been through a lot of stuff.

Let's go ahead and give him a low dose SSRI. Let's start here. Yeah. Actually, it wouldn't be an SSRI. Totally wrong thing. It'd be a low dose AMP and we're going to go from there. Okay. Yeah, no, that's a great plan moving forward to help us.

I just want to give him the best possible outcome for his life. Can I give you two other little like side things that you and your husband can do? Mm-hmm. Is he a ruminator? My husband or... No, your son. What does ADHD look like for him? Is he a ruminator? My husband or? No, your son. What does ADHD look like for him?

He has a hard time remembering anything that he did past 20 minutes. And he, but he does focus in on, he's very creative and he loves drawing. And so when he does focus in on something, he hyper focuses. There you go. Yeah And you know, we've we've signed him. He's in jujitsu

So good mom of the year. Yeah good. How long has he been doing that? He's been doing that for like seven or eight months But we did just recently start private lessons with him because again, we struggled with him being in a group. He would just kind of start doing his own thing and with focusing on the moves, it was really hard for him to focus. So we turned it into private lessons. But he loves playing with his friends and drawing and playing games, things like that.

But yeah, focusing at school is really tough for him. And he does get frustrated. He'll say things to me like, why am I the only kid that can't focus and remember things? Okay. And I think it's letting him know that he's not. Yeah. And maybe show him this show and let him know, this guy had real bad ADHD. He still does.

And it takes an army. But if you two want to be a middling B-level podcaster one day, maybe this guy. But I mean, I'm just going to reiterate it. You guys are amazing. Thank you. They're amazing. And Jiu Jitsu is a great place where you learn kinetics and body control and impulse control I mean, I'm just gonna reiterate it. You guys are amazing. Thank you. They're amazing. And Jiu-Jitsu is a great place where you learn kinetics

and body control and impulse control and the next right move and how to fall. And you get that constant person on person contact. You know what I mean? That's good for you, good for you. And it might be that he does a private lesson and then goes to the main lesson and a private lesson. Yeah.

Right, as he gets it. But anyway, good on you. Good for you, good for you. a private lesson and then goes to the main lesson in a private lesson. Yeah. Right? As he gets it. But anyway, good on you. Good for you. Good for you. The social things, a lot of times kids will love playing with their friends, but eight years old is when they start to split. That second, third grade is when they start to click off and be like, that's just a weird

kid. That's what's starting to happen. That's right. So that's where that, that's where that therapy, where it would start with a play therapist and then move to group would be really instructive for him. Cause just think about this, just, and you could tell them this, learning to be a great friend, it's just a set of skills.

Yeah. And you just gotta learn those skills. It's all good. Yeah. It's all good. And some kids have those and some don't. And that's fine. We're just going to learn how to do those things. And man, that could be magic for him. Here's a couple of things I want you and your husband to do. If he's ever drawing or coloring, if

one or both of you, and I know y'all are exhausted and when he's coloring is probably the time y'all get to exhale and look at each other and be like, remember we used to love each other, right? Y'all get those moments. If one or both of you, but one of you especially, could just pull up a chair next to him and color and don't say anything. Okay. That proximity, I'm being fully me right now

and they're not leaving. Got it. Do you get what I'm saying? You're entering into his world, in his space. His whole life is in other people's spaces and his body revolves. But if an adult heads into his space and just is still, I don't wanna say anything, I don't need anything from you.

I'm not gonna comment on anything unless you show me. And then I'm not gonna say, hey, that picture's amazing. I'm gonna say, I love how hard you're working. The second thing I want you all to do, and it's probably hard because I bet his handwriting is off the charts. Goofy. Is that fair? Okay.

I want you all to have a spiral notebook that goes back and forth on each other's pillows. And it needs to be one or two sentences and that's it. But what I want him to have is a sentence from dad and a sentence from mom and you can alternate. And then his job is every time it's on his pillow, he has to read it and he's got to write something and put it back on your pillow. And you can even make it a chore. You can have your drawing stuff when you go put the thing on my bed

Okay, yeah, you can expect him to vomit on it This is so stupid or but I want him to have a running list day after day week by week year after year of You and your husband saying how happy they are they get to be in his life. How much you love him. How proud of him you are. And I want you all to catch him doing good. We're building this from the inside out. He needs to feel from his guts outward that he's good. Okay. We will definitely do that. Is that cool? You're amazing. Call in-y-time, okay? Laura, call anytime, call anytime, call anytime. I'll be thinking about this little boy and it's gonna take an army of people and man thank goodness we live in

a little history of a little sliver history when we've got resources to help little boys like that. But good on you guys. Call anytime and I'll walk with you. My heart goes out to you guys, to your family, and to that little boy. I have a feeling he's gonna make it and he's gonna be pretty amazing.

He already is amazing, but he's gonna be amazing. Thank you so much, sister. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace and other than my admitted gummy candy problem,

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in the store. I trust Thorne, my family trusts Thorne, and you can trust Thorne too. All right, hey, we are back. Listen, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey are hitting the road on a brand new tour this spring, and we're putting this rad twist on it. Every stop is an interactive night, and you, the audience member, get to help inform what we talk about on stage.

When we talk about money, relationships, so much more. It's gonna be hilarious. Stories you'll have never heard before, and the reason I love this is so much of our world is already out there It's on the internet We talked about on the show and this event is gonna be something that y'all have never seen or heard before You're gonna laugh you're gonna learn if we do our jobs You're gonna walk out of there and you can be inspired to go change your life

We're kicking this off in Louisville in April 21st 2025 And then we're going to Durham Atlanta Phoenix Fort Worth and then Kansas City 2021, 2025, and then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. Get your tickets to the Money in Relationships Tour at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. All right, Kelly, you got a cool thing that happened. I do. So this is from Liv in Houston. She says, I listened to one of your episodes where you encouraged a woman feeling stuck

in her life to write down tangible actions and start doing things to fulfill those actions. I wanted to write in and highlight how important this advice is and how much has changed my life. My friends and I felt stuck like we'd lost our sense of self after grad school. At the beginning of this year we decided to each make a bingo card full of small and big things we hope to do and accomplish. The bingo cards include things like go on a picnic, pay for someone else's drive-through, try rock climbing, visit a national park, take a career development class,

and more. We check in once a month to talk about the progress we're making on the bingo card items. I'm feeling like I'm getting to know myself again, and I've never been happier. I wanted to share this idea because it's made such a difference for me and my friends friends and I hope it might inspire others as well. Thank you for what you do. Love listening to your show. Tell me

more that I can tell you. Dude, that's amazing. Good for them. And I like bingo. I went to a bingo hall when I was in college. It was just me and a couple of buddies and like 600 smokers and like trach things and horrible music and it was incredible. It was incredible at a level it's like you know what we're gonna be all right as a country because if they ever come for us and they let the bingo hall people go best of luck to you. But they, good for you! What was her name? Liv in Houston. H-Town, Gastros and Liv. I'm shouting you out, dude. Congratulations on you and your friends getting together and say, hey, what's the thing that we're gonna do to make our lives different? Because we get to decide what happens

next and y'all are choosing each other and you're choosing adventure and I'm so proud of you. It's awesome. Let that inspire anybody else listen to the show make a bingo card for God's sakes Don't start smoking you go change your life. Love you guys. See you soon. Bye