The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Says I’m Boring

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife wondering how to be “fun” again - A husband-to-be on the verge of burnout - A woman struggling with her husband’s lack of gratitude in life To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Overworked, finding work-life balance, achieving growth and progress in a lot of areas, executive dysfunction, struggling to make time for the gym. It's all making it difficult to sympathize with my fiance about her not completing tasks. Are you a veteran? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Probably the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting show ever. Probably. Is that good? No. No probably about it. Definitely. It's 100%. It's definitely. Definitely. Definitely. It's 100%. It's definitely. Definitely.

Definitely. And where we may not be the best, we're definitely the best when it comes to fashion. Kelly's rocking denim on denim, which I highly support. I'm not denim on denim. Oh, you're not? No.

I get to see the denim top. I just assumed you're wearing jeans. I am jeans, but they're like hot pink. Are you wearing denim on sweatpants? Denim on Daisy Dukes. That would be awesome. No. And I look like I'm trying out for Soundgarden.

Whatever. Hey, we're so glad that you're here. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash askask or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. And the new questions for humans decks are out. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, grandparents and kids, along with all the others, but couples, parents, all of it, all of it. And we're going to save your holiday season.

And so many of you picked them up last year, and we heard so much great feedback. Like, oh, thank God we had these cards. When my grandparents finally turned the news down from as loud as it would go, and my parents put their phones down, and we were all staring at each other. Somebody would pull these out of their purse or out of their pocket. And so we got a Thanksgiving question. Let's do it. We do.

All right. Defend your answer quickly. Kissing after eating is A, romantic and nice, or B, gross. Brush your teeth before you come that close to my face. Oh, gosh. Okay. So I've got some trauma around this question. And I'm saying trauma jokingly. There was somebody that I was just head over heels for back in high school. And we were driving home from a date. And, you know, it's kind of in the air. You kind of know this is going to happen. And she looked over, and she could feel it too.

And she goes, hey, I know that we should, like, like kiss but like ah like what if you have like stuff in your teeth and i was like what and it's like i like like food and stuff like we just ate it had never occurred to me ever that had never occurred to me i was just 18 or 17 just going kiss kiss kiss and then i was like, well, I guess that's kind of gross. And from every day since then, I've just thought, oh, we just ate. That's, I guess

we could exchange food particles. That one conversation is just stuck in my freaking head. So, I would say this. If we have dinner and you go eat or whatever, and you can get swept up in a moment and you don't even think about it,

I think that's awesome. And I wouldn't retroactively be like, oh gosh, I wonder if I got some of her salad, right? But if I'm like objective about it, it'd probably be better if everybody brushed their teeth. What do you think? I agree. At the very least, you know,

a couple of good drinks of water and a mint at the very least, especially like coffee. I'm real weird about coffee breath. Coffee breath makes me want, uh, like my eyebrows start to fall. Yeah. So as soon as I drink coffee, I have a mint or something if I'm at work. Um, but definitely I'm like you, I've not thought about it like in a moment or anything like that. But if I think about it like sitting here now, the idea of kissing somebody with food in their teeth or something is really gross. Well, and like the joke on me that I found out was a joke without me knowing it for years and years was how totally clueless I am. Always. Always. Not that that's a huge shock to you.

Yeah, I'm waiting on the big reveal here. Well, I felt the tension in that car. And I interpreted that tension as like, oh, yeah. And she was interpreting the tension of like, I saw you eat a burger and that's disgusting. Right? I was like, oh, I misread that one. Jenna, what do you think? Please brush your teeth. Or like Kelly said said at the very least

have a mint like that's just okay so you're on a date and then it is a great date y'all have a great conversation and he leans over and you're like

I don't know I think maybe it just depends on what he eats like if we're like if it's like onions and garlic like please

I do not want that we're the most unromantic group but if I'm going on a date I'm gonna have some mints in my bag so that- Just in case. Just in case. Just in case.

Always have mints in your bag. Yeah. Nate, you don't care, do you? So I think that kissing an infa self is gross either way. There's already so much bacteria, so much stuff going on. God, you're the worst. What's food at this point? Like, it's gross either way.

Oh, not romantic. We are the least romantic show on any podcast. Man. But let us help you with your relationships. But let us help you with your relationships. But let us help you. Kissing's disgusting. Kissing's one of my favorite

things in the world. I don't know. Now you've grossed me out too, Nate. You're probably right. Funruiner.org.net. Let's go to Mount Olive, New Jersey and talk to Jessica. What's up, Jessica?

Hi. Thanks for taking my call. You bet. Thanks for listening to that ridiculous discussion. That's okay. I had a question about my husband thinks I'm boring. I stay home and I take care of our three kids. We have two in school, one at home with me, eight, five, and three.

And I'm not really sure how to go about telling me I'm boring. Most of the time, somebody says the word boring. It's about a particular thing. What is he complaining about? Are you boring? Does he call you boring in the bedroom? Is he calling you boring? Like we never do anything around here or you're busy making sure your

children are fed and watered and bathed. And he just wants to hang out and watch TV. Like, what is he saying you're boring about? Just that I don't do anything. I don't have fun or anything like that. Is he right? I guess in a sense, yes. I don't have fun or anything like that. Is he right? Um,

I guess in a sense, yes. Um, I don't, I'm sure like our kids are taken care of and, um, you know, of that sense.

And then like, I guess he's left, uh, I guess on the back burner a little bit. So is it a matter of truly there are things to do with your kids? Or is it, are they a good way

to distract yourself from having to be around him? I mean, I don't think so. I mean, I love him. I like that we get to hang out and spend time together. Let me ask you this way.

Watch. Is it awesome when your kids are gone? Um, no, I love when my kids are around and I like when, I like when they go to bed and we can have like our own time and do our own thing. But he thinks that's boring.

Um, yeah, I guess in a sense, yes. I need some more details. I feel like you're being kind of vague. So let me say it this way. Two things. One, when I would come home and I didn't know what to do.

I clearly wasn't good at being a dad of a newborn. And I had never been married to somebody who was the parent of a newborn. All that was new. And I felt like I just kept screwing up. And so I just started working a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and take it on a little bit more because I was good at that. And sometimes somebody who's been married for what? You've been 10 years in now?

We're together 10, married 3. Okay, 10, married 3, and you've got an 8-year- been married for what? You've been 10 years in now? We're together 10, married 3. Okay, 10, married 3, and you've got an 8-year-old and a what? 8, 5, and 3. Okay. That y'all have not sat down and said, Hey, we've never been married and had three kids before. Yeah. And so everything's new.

What does our sex life look like? What does spontane life look like? What does like spontaneity look like? What does getting a babysitter and figuring out like once a week or once a month or whatever, what does it look like? What does like, I used to call it the, I still call it the erotic envelope system, which is me just being ridiculous, but I'm gonna have an envelope and I'm going to put five things in it and you're going to put five things in it and then once a week or once a month,

we're going to draw from it and whatever it says, we either are going to try it, however crazy it is, or if it just doesn't look like possible, we're going to talk about it and laugh about it and kind of dig in on it.

There's some things you can do there. Yeah. Unless your kids have become a way to avoid not like y'all time, right? The kids go to bed and y'all got half an hour to hook up. You got half an hour to watch a show. You got half an hour to drink and like have a drink and scroll Instagram and kind of be next to each other. That's not fun.

That's not intimacy. That's not connection. Yeah. not intimacy. That's not connection. Yeah. And if that's what your kids are for, then I think there's a larger conversation to be had, which is for some reason, my body wants to avoid my, my new husband.

Yeah. Where, where are you? I don't want, I don't want to avoid him. I want to be able to have that. Like we have a very good intimate life. Sure. Um, but I don't want to avoid him. I want to be able to have that. Like we have a very good intimate life. Sure.

Um, but I don't want to, um, I don't want to make him feel like he's just on back burner and I'm just taking care of the kids and solely just the kids and like, don't, uh, forget about his needs.

Have, does he feel like he has purpose inside his own home? Uh, yeah, I think so. So what does he mean by fun? Does he feel like he has purpose inside his own home? Yeah, I think so. So what does he mean by fun? I guess just doing more things with him, like either calling out a board game or watching a movie with him. Sometimes I'm just so tired at the end of the day, I just want to go to bed.

Sure. So I think often when somebody says you're boring, it's about sex life or often you're boring. It's you're using your kids as a drug to avoid intimacy. That doesn't sound like what's happening in your house. Intimacy, I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about like being around me, laughing with me, throwing water at me, like those, the fun, just interaction stuff. So it sounds to me like there's a pictures and words issue here where he's saying the word boring and he has a very clear sense. And it may be he's saying you're boring because he is feeling that sense of that less aliveness. He doesn't like who he's becoming as a husband

and a father of three. And what he's going to do is look around and try to get other people to prop him up. My kid's got to play sports because that makes me feel alive. My wife needs to fill in the blank because that makes me feel alive. And he begins to outsource his aliveness to y'all. But what that means is when he outsources it, y'all got to carry it. That's heavy. And that's not yours to carry, but that is yours to discuss with him.

If that's what's going on here, that's scary. That's a recipe for danger because that's when somebody at work texts him one night, something hilarious. And he gets that little spark back because he feels alive. Okay. That's when somebody at the gym says, oh my gosh, I've seen you in here the last three months. You are looking amazing. And boom, it feels alive. Right. Or you start to, you find something and it makes you feel alive,

whatever that happens to be. So if that's what's going on, you'll need to have that conversation. I think here's how it approaches approach this if I were you. Okay. And you can take this, take it or leave it. I would go on a date and I'd get a babysitter. And it probably is a pain in the butt for you to always have to be the one that gets a babysitter, but I'd get one. And I would, I would say, Hey, we're going to have some good, deep, romantic, intimate

talks. And he's going to be like, oh yeah. And you can be like, not like that. And I want you to ask him very specifically, hey, let's be very specific. I'm really taking it to heart that I don't want to be boring. I want us to have a fun life. I want it to feel like this.

I want it to feel like laughter and fun and excitement when you walk in the door. And also there's three kids in here and I'm freaking exhausted. So I want you to be super clear. Like when you say I'm boring, be specific. What does that mean? And I want you to challenge him to be very specific, not this vague sense of, I don't feel like we used to, I don't, we used to have all this fun. Well, used to is over. We got three kids. Our life is different now. We're a decade in. Our marriage is to. We used to have all this fun. Well, used to is over. We got three kids. Our life is different now. We're a decade in.

Our marriage is different. We can never go back to what it was. But we can make an alive, fun, wild time. But I need some very specific things. And then you get to circle back and say, okay, in order for some of this to be true, here's what I need. Okay. I need some support. I need you to take bedtimes. If you want to have crazy sex night, fine, but you got to do bedtime while I go recoup, while I go fill in the blank. If you want to go just spontaneously go to a concert, cool. On those nights when you say, hey, so-and-so's in town, let's go. I need you to also text. And I've already made arrangements

for a babysitter. Right. So what are some of these things that you need to begin to help him meet his needs? And it works in a loop, right? And it sounds transactional, but it's not. Yeah. Here's what I need so that I can show up and help you with what you need. And you're going to show up with what I need to help me see how it just works together. And it's awesome, man. And needs will shift and change over time. Let me ask you this. Do you want to, like when he says it, do you think, do you feel it in your bones? Like, I want that. I want you to think I'm fun. Do you want that or is it really annoying when he says it?

No, I want to be more fun and more spontaneous that he wants. But I feel like I'm just on a regular cycle loop. Yeah, you are. You have three kids in the house. So what does feeling alive look like for you? When do you feel alive? I'm not particularly sure anymore because I'm just in that loop of just, I guess when we go out and we have a little fun, we don't have to worry about the kids and, you know, just once in a while, that kind of thing is nice.

But it sounds like you go out to exhale, not to dance. Usually. And I'm using dance metaphorically, but you go out to drop your shoulders and go, oh, thank God. Uh, yes, in a sense. Yeah.

I know the kids are taken care of. I don't have to worry about them. I can actually relax because of, um, I struggle with, uh, anxiety a lot. Leave it like leaving my kids and things like that.

So, so here's, here's my challenge to you. We often think that the greatest thing we can give our kids is to be available 24-7, 365 for every need and every second and every everything. I think the greatest gift we can give our kids, besides obviously food, water, and shelter and presents, duh, is a peaceful home. Yeah. And a live, lit up mom and dad. And that means you have to do the hard work of asking yourself,

what makes me come alive? Away from these kids. Is it reading? Is it running? Is it video games? God help you. Is it, what is it what makes you alive? And sometimes it's going all the way back

to when you were a little girl saying like, what are things I used to just love to do? I love taking care of things. I love gardening. I love cooking. I love building things. I want to start a small business. And your immediate brain is going to be like,

no, shut that down. You got three little kids. Let's at least go a dream. And what I think is going to happen is if you started like, I'm going to give myself permission. What you're doing, like the old saying goes, you're putting your oxygen mask on first. In order for my family to be whole and well, mom's got to be whole and well. And that means mom has to begin to do the things that make her feel alive. I'm getting up at six every morning and going running, which that means, husband, you've got to get all the kids out of bed. You want a fun wife? Then you need an alive wife. You need a live wife. Here's the things I need. And that's not going

to be perfect. You have to negotiate, blah, blah, blah. But it's probably been a long time since you looked in the mirror and said, what do I want to do? What would be awesome? Other than just curl up in bed and take a nap, right? Yeah. That's always nice. But what's beneath the nap?

I mean, I love baking. That's my favorite thing to do Awesome Could you put on a calendar That you're going to bake For somebody in your life Once a week Yeah

My husband loves When I bake anything Well forget him I'm talking about other people Yeah Like bring the joy Of baking back into your house Turn the music up too loud wear hilarious clothes, whatever

Whatever you do And put in your budget we're gonna hey i'm gonna bake and i'm gonna give it to our neighbor I'm gonna give it to this lady at our church. I'm gonna give it to whoever And i'm gonna start doing these things. I'm gonna get the human exchanges of hey, I baked this for you Can I tell you something crazy that happened? I don't know if i've talked about on the show or not. My neighbor, I think he's about 75. He's got a big tractor and I've got a long gravel driveway and our properties are separated by like a ravine. It's like a hundred foot ravine down there with a Creek down at the bottom. Then it goes back up. We had a bad, bad rain and it

washed out my driveway. There's big divots in it. It was hard to get my cars up and down. And normally I hire somebody to come out. It's super expensive. And I saw him working on his driveway. And I said, hey, man, can I hire you to do my driveway? And he said, yeah, but I won't take your money. And I was like, well, I don't just ask people to do stuff for free. And he said, well, I'm your neighbor.

And I was like, man, now you made it weird. So he does my whole driveway. I come home and it's perfect. So I sent my kid over with an envelope with some cash in it. And he left it there and then he ran home. Next time washes out. And he automatically, my neighbor's over there doing my driveway. And he said, and I said, oh man, I waved him down. And he looked at me and said, you will not bring any more money to my house. And I said, fine. So my wife who is, loves baking, loves her garden, man. She loves her garden so much. She just spent a year going to get her master gardener certification just because, just so she could get good at it. Right. Yeah.

And she made him a loaf of sourdough bread and she had canned some pickles from some some things she had grown and she had some eggs from our chickens that man got down at he was doing it working on a project in his backyard he got down and came over all sweaty and he gave me a huge hug because he recognized we had my wife had him, we had given him as a family, something that money can't buy, which is time, which is thought, right? And so I walked away feeling so good, but more important, my kids were with me.

And my kids walked six inches taller on the way home. Like, yeah, that's what's up. We just did something cool for our neighbor. They didn't do nothing, but it was a transaction and I felt alive. See what I'm saying? I would love for you to begin to seek out in your home. What are the things that make me feel alive? And also be very specific with your husband. Have the conversation. When you say boring, honey, what do you mean exactly? Be very clear. What is boring to you? And he may need to start focusing on some things that make him feel alive. My wife doesn't play guitar a lot. I do. My wife

doesn't go hunting a lot. I do. I don't garden a lot. She does. I don't write nearly as much as she does. I'm not near as good. And so we do these things that help us feel alive and then we come together and that alive plus this alive creates a fire that makes the whole house feel warm and the whole house feel full of laughter. And so boredom, we try to chase that with disco balls and like, let's go to a concert. Let's spend a bunch of money. Sometimes it's about doing the things that make us feel alive and bringing that together. Great, great, great question, Jessica. Give that a shot. Holler back at me and we will be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be

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Hey, during the break, we hooked that last caller up with a bunch of questions for humans. That way they can chit-chat, talk, fall in love. Let's go out to San Antonio Tejas and talk to Salem Witch Trials. What's up, Salem? How's it going? Can you hear me? Yeah, we're balling, dude. What's up? It's awesome to talk to you.

You too, man. I got a little bit of nerves about it. I don't do this sort of thing often, but I have my reasons that I need to call many of the other shows like the Ken Coleman Show and Entree Leadership. And so I think this is important. I started with this one here. Very cool, man.

To be well enough to do those other things. I'm grateful, man. What's up? I didn't frame it as a question, but I'll go and just go back to what I submitted and start there. I'll read it off to you really quickly. And I don't see the original question, so I'll be hearing it new. Right, I just brought it up so I can read it to you. Okay, cool.

So I've said, overwhelmed with being overworked, finding work-life balance, achieving growth and progress in a lot of areas, executive dysfunction, struggling to make time for the gym, relational connection and growth, effective parenting, finding community, solving other deficits. It's all making it difficult to sympathize with my fiance about her not completing tasks and carrying some more of the burden. I feel like I'm mostly shouldering. Please advise.

Are you a veteran uh yeah yeah oh man so i can expand on a lot of it and then this i mean if there was room for it to turn into a whole hour long two hour long conversation, yeah. I try to be concise. No, I appreciate that. I heard it in your language. Man. Are you still in? I'm a part-timer now. Part-timer?

Okay. Tell me about who you were before you went in. Before I went in... To service. Initially. Yeah. Tell me about who you were before you went in. Before I went in initially? Yes. I mean, I was... I don't know.

Have you always been... I'm doing a lot of things that I never planned on doing, that I never really had a passion for, and that's just been the kind of pattern for my life. There's been, um, a whole lot of disappointment when pursuing things that I thought would be greater and bigger. I tried to do,

uh, so calm stuff. Uh, didn't, didn't cut it out. I didn't cut it. Excuse me. I didn't,

um, didn't make it. It wasn't good enough for a lot of things I wanted to try to do. Uh, I hate that cut it. Excuse me. I didn't, um, didn't make it. It wasn't good enough for a lot of things I wanted to try to do. Uh, I hate that it's the theme, um, but I'm still doing what I got to do in order to survive, in order to get by and try and push towards thriving rather than just making it. I want to be doing things I have passion for, and I've spent the better part of the last year taking in more wisdom and knowledge and adopting greater ideals and philosophies and ideologies and so on and so forth than I've ever spent any of my time in my life before to try and prepare to be this person, this man that I want to be and have the life I want to lead. Um, so it's a lot of failure to launch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, who in the world told you growing up that you suck? suck me no you that that's the that's that's absolutely the the the message that's the

ticker tape under your life that's that's the voice you pipe into your own head every day but you got that from somebody who told you that if you would jest, you got to go, you need to do this, or who told you that? I don't have, I didn't grow up with a lot of strong, consistent models to follow. Okay. Home life was chaos? Yeah, I mean, there was a lot of moving around. There was a single mom home.

Okay. There you go. Hey, that's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. It wasn't her. Where's dad? Where was dad? Gone at six.

And do you believe me when I tell you that there's a seven-year-old little boy in there combing his hair with an exhausted, scattered mom trying to keep everything together? Yeah. Quietly asking himself, what was so bad about me that dad left? What the hell was so bad with me that dad didn't want to be around? I never really spent a lot of time thinking about that. I know you haven't. Here's the deal. I think. Hold on. You spent a bunch of time and a bunch of energy desperately looking for models to answer that question.

And you chase it and you either get it and you realize that your body just moves the finish line. It's not enough. Or you chase it and you don't get it. And you go, that's, if I had a God in it, that would have answered that question. I would have been enough. And here's my promise to you. From my guts, brother.

Until you deal with that seven-year-old little boy, you will chase. You will be amazing. You will start winning things. You'll make money. You'll have a good job. And your insides will be as hollow as the inside of a basketball

yeah because you saw a soldier and you're like that will make that dad of mine be proud even if he never sees me there you go and it breaks my heart to say this

because I have a 13 year old little boy and I can't imagine leaving him. But that call is not going to come. Yeah, well, we've had our come to Jesus moment. It was when I was becoming a father, I decided it was necessary to forgive. I spent a lot of time throughout my teens in church praying to God that I forgave him. And I realized, I think, four or five years ago, I think, yeah, about four years ago, that I had never told him that I forgave him.

And I think, so I initiated. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Homie, what do you have to forgive your dad for? I think I needed to do it for myself. What did you have to forgive him for? He left you. You're old. Yeah, for that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You were a kid. You're a kid. I wasn't asking for forgiveness. I was forgiving him is what I mean to communicate. Okay. All right. Okay.

You weren't going to carry his crap anymore. No, I was for my own freedom from that. There you go. Okay. All right. I got you. All right. All right.

I didn't want to make it all about this, because we've had our conversation. freedom from that. There you go. Okay. All right. All right. I got you. All right. All right. I didn't want to make it all about this, but I, cause we've had our, we've had our conversation. We don't stay in good contact now, but I put my mom on the phone and I, I let her because she had to deal with my crap by herself. And so I put him on the phone and this isn't where I wanted to head with.

I know, I know, I know, I know. But yeah, I've, I have released him from that for my own sake. Okay, you've let him go.

And, and you haven't dealt with Salem. Right. So you've done that work, the external work, you let him go. I'm not carrying your bricks anymore. You left me. You missed out on me. And I hate that for you because I'm a pretty good guy. And I'm a good man who serves And I'm a good man who serves.

I'm a good man who strives. I'm a good man who works really hard on behalf of my community and my country and my family. And you missed out on me. I'm not carrying that anymore. And here's the thing. Trauma is twofold, my brother. And I know that word gets beat to death, especially in the military community. And so I don't want to just sound like another yappy woo-woo guy.

But trauma's the thing that happened to you. Dad left. Right? And trauma's also the thing that should have happened that didn't. And so you've dealt with the thing that did happen. Dad bailed. Gone. What I don't think you've dealt with is turning to take a knee

and holding seven-year-old Salem in his face in both of your hands and looking at him and saying, I'm so sorry what you went through, man. I'll tell you, my first step of my freedom was writing my nine-year-old self a letter. Dear nine-year-old John, is how I started it. I'm so sorry. And dude, I sat in my basement with a spiral notebook and a pen and I wept all by myself

because I didn't realize there was a kid and I wept all by myself. Because I didn't realize there was a kid in there still asking himself, what did I do that was so bad? And here's the thing. If you solve that, and I don't mean solve in a mechanic, militaristic kind of way. If you look in the mirror and say, I love that guy. I love me, and you don't make your life about, yep, I didn't make this, I didn't make the comms team,

I didn't make special units team, I didn't make any of these other things. It's just another, another notch of failure. I couldn't even keep my dad around, much less make this team, make that team. Now my fiance isn't getting on board. I'm not even doing i'm not even doing romance, right? Instead of that being the model the pair of glasses the model with which you look at the world You take those glasses on and put on another set of glasses which are dude i've been to hell and back And i'm still here. And I tried to fill it up with this. I tried to fill it up with that. I tried to fill it up with that. Bro, there's nothing to fill up anymore. And now you start looking at personal development and looking at new models and new theories and new ways of doing the world and new ideas for

careers and jobs, not to try to not feel so crappy about who you see in the mirror, but because I love that guy and he's worthy of having a great job and a great career and work. He loves, he's worthy of sitting down with the woman he wants to marry and be like, Hey man, let's build something new. I didn't have a good model.

You probably didn't either. Let's figure out something beautiful we can do together. Right. See what I'm saying? I think, um, the, I think the issue with that part is how to speak my fiance's language and do it in such a way that it doesn't seem like an attack.

I feel like when I'm, I don't insult, I don't hurl abrasive words. I think I'm just kind of generally curt in the way that I address things. And I try to... I think my primary issue right now is that I work too many hours.

It's not your primary issue, brother. Your primary issue is you're running. I don't have time to be doing these other things. It's not it, man. To find community. The problem is you're running from you.

And right now, work is your drug. I work this much in order to survive, and I want to not be working this much. I want to go back to school. I, there are, I want to launch this business. I've been,

you know, doing the groundwork for, for the past year and a half. I, I have these things. I have the rubric. I have the goals. Um,

why do you, why do you want to do these things? Why do you want to do them? These are things about which I know I have passion. Okay. These are things that... Then what's stopping you from going to get it? It's a matter of timing and planning the execution.

I can't... When finances are involved, I can't... Like right now, I need to be working this much in order to get by. I'm trying to get out of debt. I'm on baby step two. Here's what it sounds like. My body's breaking down because I spent so much time breaking it down.

It sounds like you're trying to do everything all at the same time. Yeah. And you're spread all over the place. You're trying to do everything all at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. And you're spread all over the place. You're trying to get in shape. You're trying to start a business. You're trying to start a family. You're trying to dig out of a financial hole that you're in. You're trying to heal from childhood stuff.

You're trying to do everything all at the same time. Yeah. Be a good dad. I think all the stuff that my son's mom right now, all the things I've done throughout my whole life I never had any passion for. And then I chose as a 10-year-old once I finally decided that.

I didn't believe my dad was going to come back. Once I stopped listening to the phone calls as if it was true, that's when I decided I wanted to be calls as if it was true. That's when I decided I wanted to be a father, a good father. And I've had that passion.

That was the career goal that I never changed. I've gone through other, I wanted to be a musician, rock star. I wanted to do all sports training, all these things throughout my life. But I've always wanted to be a father. And this one thing that I finally get to do because I am a father. My ex-wife is gatekeeping and withholding custody. And so it's a violation of the parenting plan.

So there's all this stuff that I got to do. I have to do corporate work. But hold on, hold on. Underneath all that, is your boy kind of going through what you went through a little bit? He's young. I don't care. He's young. I don't care.

He's younger than I was. I don't think so. Okay. Because I do my best to be present. I know, but you're, like I'm telling you, man, you got to trust me on this. That nine-year-old little boy inside of you sees this whole thing starting over again. And he starts to sound the alarms. And those alarms get loud and they get exhausting.

You know that and I know that. And then you seek to solve it. And you're listening to all the right podcasts. You're listening to all the right, you're reading all the right books, watching all the right YouTube shows. And it says, do everything all at the same time. If you are trying to get a successful business off the ground,

you're going to miss some workouts, period. Alex Ramosi is the most honest person out in space about all that. If you're going to get yourself completely out of debt so you can have a firm financial foundation, you're going to miss some activities with your kids because you got to do a lot of work. But right now you're trying to do everything all at the same time. All of it.

I think the greatest gift you could give yourself is to go sit with somebody. And I know you roll your eyes. I've been to enough counselors, Deloney. I'm tired of all that. I'm going to give you three months to better help for free. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to sit down with a list that you've already made. Here's all the things I'm trying to do right now at the same time. Get out of debt, start a business. Work 400 hours a week, right? Be a good dad.

Deal with the next wife who won't let me be a good dad. Deal with my fiance. Try to learn a new way to talk to my fiance because I'm curt and exhausted and my body's falling apart. Oh, by the way,

I keep breaking down my body because I watch a lot of videos on YouTube that say that's the way to strength and whatever. I'm trying to read 50 books a week and I'm trying to... And I want you to ask for help. Help me pull these apart.

Cause I need to do one or two of these at the same time. And that's it. I'm going to do them in order. Kind of like paying your debts off, man. I'm just going to pay this one off. And I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. When it comes to your fiance, being curt's okay. Not everyone talks as much as I do. My wife would love it if I was a little more curt, I assure you. That's not the problem. The problem is saying, hey, honey, I'm just a man of few words. I love you.

How can I love you today? Not how can I fix you? Not how can I make sure you're staying on your diet plan or your workout plan? Or how many books have you read today? That's not it. How can I love you today. Not how can I fix you? Not how can I make sure you're staying on your diet plan or your workout plan or how many books have you read today? That's not it. How can I love you today? And if you have to quote unquote solve something, fix something, be about solving that question. How can I love you today? Man, if you could just help with the dishes, if you could just on it, got it. and let that be enough. But I'm telling you right now, brother, none of that will be enough until you let that nine-year-old little boy of you,

that seven-year-old little version of Salem, who's still sitting there in his bedroom wondering, why did my dad leave? You've dealt with that. Good for you. I'm proud of you, man. But now you got to turn and face you. Most of the time, I start to the series of letters.

Dear seven-year-old me, when you write that letter, I want you to close your eyes and visually go back to being seven. Sometimes you have to sit down on the floor to get that visual. Like, so your eyeline is low. I want you to write that letter. I'm so sorry this happened, man. It wasn't your fault. Dad was going through whatever dad was going through, and he left us.

And you didn't deserve that, man. Thank you for holding the fort down, but I'm working on it now. I got it from here. It's time for you to go play. And you may need to write a letter to 11-year-old you or 13-year-old you when you started trying your first drinks and they made everything a little bit better. Or you smoke weed the first time. Whatever it is you've done to cope to get to where you are right now. Write a letter to the you that wanted so badly to get into this military unit and he didn't get in.

But that got off the hook, man. He gave it his best shot. He worked hard. And slowly what you'll be doing is making peace with you, man. Because this sounds crazy to you, but you're worth being loved, man. You're worth not leaving. You're not the sum total of the failures you have.

The failures have built the foundation from which you will do something amazing. But you got to stop running. Love for yourself isn't somewhere else. It's right here. Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you both Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and Building an Unexplained Life. It's going to be my gift to you.

I got you, man. Call anytime. Please write those letters. Let that boy go. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to talk to katie what's up katie hey john how are you hey katie what's up man how are you well i was going to tell you i was at smart money in dallas back in january and i just wanted to tell you that your God bless Texas performance with George was the most iconic and legendary thing I've ever seen in my freaking life.

And my husband, who's not a native Texan, did not recognize me next to him at that point at all. It was amazing. And so thank you. Do you have, and you'll know what I mean. Do you have some Texas Def Leppard girl in there somewhere? Oh my gosh. are you kidding me? Doesn't every native Texan... Kelly's smiling and nodding her head.

She's like, oh yeah. Oh, I think only Texans can really understand that. The state pride and this culture we have here is probably stupid, but I love it. But I'll say, when that opening riff to Pour Some Sugar on Me, I saw some aquanet fly out of people's purses and they started making their hair real tall, real fast.

And I was like, oh, we're just a few verses of this song. This room's about to get all unhinged. Well, it was amazing. So thank you for that. You are a saint. Thank you for letting me live my high school rockstar dreams for just a few minutes. All right. So what's up? Well, so the last call really touched my heart, mostly because I feel the question I have today is kind of related to that, but it's not for me. It's for my spouse. The question that I'd wrote down was,

how can I help my husband see his lack of gratitude and contentment and how it's negatively impacting his life and our marriage? And I feel like when I sent this in, we had just gotten out of a pretty heated discussion and I was really upset at him for a bad attitude that he had had around my family for no reason. He said he was hungry, but then after we ate, nothing improved, and he just basically had a bad attitude for two hours. And this has kind of been a recurring thing, and I just had enough. And I told him that I felt like he's not grateful for a lot of things and how it's never really, um, and nothing's ever really good enough. And some of the excuses that he's given previously, um, I don't feel like they're valid. I feel like that's kind of the band-aid he's put on them

because some of the things that he's given reason for when things have changed, his attitude doesn't change towards it. What are some excuses? So, like, one of the things was he's from out of state and he says that, you know, once he got friends down here, things would get better. Well, he has friends now and hasn't gotten better. That's just one example.

We switched churches recently. He had had some issues where we were at, and he talked like whenever we switched churches, that would improve. Well, we have, and,, and it still hasn't improved. And I told him, I said, you know, back home, your best friend who lived with you for several years and your family, they all said that you are prone to depression. And so I don't think this has to do with where you live. I don't think it has to do with where you live. I don't think this has to do, I don't think it has to do with any of that. I think it's a deep down problem that you need to go to counseling and try to get through with because I do know there's some childhood trauma.

His parents were present, but I know that he was told he was an idiot a lot. And I try to do everything I can to tell him that that's not true. Can I love you enough and be really direct? Is that cool? Yes. Okay.

I was literally thinking that exact sentence in my head. Yeah. And what I'm going to say is going to be hard, okay? And he's not on the phone, and I'd be hard with him if he was on the phone, but he's not. It just got you. Is that cool? Okay. Got a kid who's told he was an

idiot growing up. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg, right? Mm-hmm. And if he's like my family, my wife, me and my wife, she knew some,

but I didn't tell her everything. Yeah. We were married for 20 plus years before I told her. Yeah. Okay. And so far on this call, you've said he just gets mad for nothing. His excuses aren't valid. He's an idiot.

He's an idiot. He's an idiot he's an idiot he's an idiot and so without even meaning to the same dynamic has been recreated because he tells you i don't want to go be with your family and you say why which by the way is a is a question in counseling that is a no-no And then he gives you some answer and you say that doesn't count And his little 10 year old body says you're an idiot Then he tries to go and he hates it And his body tries to shut him down and then you say why do you have a bad attitude? He says well i'm hungry You're an idiot

And I agree he's got to do his work. No question about it. But the whole cycle is starting over. Do you see how that's happening? Yeah. In an effort for you to say, I love you so much. I want you to see how much beauty and joy and good stuff is around us right now. You're trying to force him to see something that he may not be able around us right now. You're trying to force him to see something

that he may not be able to see right now, and what he's hearing is, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot. Yet again, I'm not enough. And I don't even know if he's hearing that cognitively, but I can guarantee you his nervous system is. Yeah. Well, and I've tried to be,

and part of what I told him, I felt like I wasn't enough and that's exactly right that's exactly right and I know that I can't I'm sorry no it's okay you're good you're good I know that I can't

fulfill him that's not a spouse's job but I do know that I've always been like trying to tell him I appreciate him. And for mowing the yard, I'll tell him, hey, thanks for doing that. The yard looks great. And he just rolls his eyes and says, you don't have to thank me for that. That's my job.

He doesn't appreciate that I appreciate him. And I try to make sure that I express that as much as I can. He does. He doesn't have the skill set to accept a compliment. Yeah. And I know that. I got that vibe. Because that's me.

And there are times. That's why I called you. There are times in a meeting. This story sounds similar. Kelly Daniel will say, no, John, you did good. And I'm so uncomfortable with that. And that's what I got to work on. Right?

Here's this. So I guess my next thing was like, how do I support him? Because he said he would be willing to go to counseling. And he told me, you know, I'm not wanting to give up on our marriage and I'll do whatever. I just need to know how to support him so where I don't make him feel even subconsciously like he's an idiot. I want you to do whatever you have to do

for you to go feel alive. Short of violate your marriage vows. Because right now he sees his wife is frustrated and devastated and his body is blaming him yet again. Mm-hmm. And so the greatest gift you can give him is to begin to stand tall, and you go work out if that's what you want to do.

Mm-hmm. You go hang out with your girlfriends if that's what you want to do. Hey, I want to go see my mom and dad. I just can't. All right, great, man. We're going to have a blast. And let me tell you, my wife did that three or four times. And then I came around to my kids and my wife and my in-laws are making memories.

And I'm not a part of them. I'm not in any of these photos. I have to change. I've got to change. I've got to change because I want to be a part of their life. And it was seeing light. I saw their radiance. I saw their light.

I saw these photos. I saw my kids burst into the door talking about how great my mother-in-law is and great my father-in-law is. And they are amazing. And I had missed it because I was exhausted. I was tired. And so what did I have to do?

I had to change the way I was doing my life, but I could only do that not when somebody was shining a spotlight in my eyes saying, look, look how bright it is. It's when I saw it in the distance and I saw my kids waving candles around that I thought, oh, I want part of that. And it's when my wife started saying, I can't make you better,

but I've got to be whole. And she went to counseling and she started her programs and she got an awesome group of friends and she started writing a new book and the whole house lit up and I wanted to be a part of that. Yeah. Does that make sense? It does. And I have been going to counseling. Good. Um, and I think it just, I don't know, our, our personalities are so different. I don't care about that. That makes, that makes everything more fun. Makes everything more fun. In good ways. I agree. And it just, like I've noticed anytime we're doing something that's

like fun or out of the normal, like we got to go on an impromptu trip recently and he was, he was so happy and so alive. And it's like, when we come back to reality and there's not a distraction anymore, he goes back into his little cave. I don't think it's a matter of, there's not a distraction anymore. I think he goes back to a place where his body says, well, we're back to your failure chamber. Welcome home.

And you have to distract from that. Yeah. Because it'll kill you if you don't. That's when, I've talked about it on the show, that's when years ago I stopped asking people, hey, why are you drinking so much? To, my God, man, what happened?

That that's the best way your body's figured out how to get through a day. Yeah. Right? And so it's less about, well, we're back now, there goes fun husband, and now he's back to well there he's we're back now there goes fun husband and now he's back to oh just hiding out

no dude what is in this home what's in this home that his body goes dude I gotta get out of here but I can't because I want to be a good husband and a good dad

and so I just disappear at my own kitchen table I think that begins with not And so I just disappear at my own kitchen table. I think that begins with not, hey, what do you want to do today? Hey, we're going to do this. We're going to do this. Don't forget this weekend.

I think it starts as simple as every day. Hey, how can I love you today? And honey, you at least owe me one thing. Yeah, and I've done that. And he just like rolls his eyes. Okay. Then you grab his face in both of your hands and you say you don't get to roll your eyes on that question. Let him know you're serious.

And I bet you, if you go quit rolling your eyes and you go do something else and you go head off into the bathroom, his body has won. It's avoided that interaction because that interaction is very uncomfortable for him. But when you lean in close, I bet when you're serious and you get

in close, I bet he locks in like a laser beam, doesn't he? No. I bet he does. Maybe I have not tried hard enough and put my foot down and said, hey, you can't cop out of this. But I got the cards

for humans for couples and he like just checks out does not want to do it and like he doesn't want to dig and I'm a I want to dig

and get to a root cause of something. There's a possibility he's a coward. I don't think that's it. There's also a possibility that if he opens that door, hell's coming out. Yeah, I think so too.

Because there is some stuff he shared with me in the past that it was hard for him to say, but he did say it. And it broke my heart for him. Just some personal stuff that he never told anybody. Yeah. And the only healing path through that. I think he's just afraid. He should be. Should be.

Because he experienced it once. He's already been on that road. He should be terrified. Yeah. And. When you're walking through hell, you can have a bunch of people yelling at you from behind. Go, can't you see?

Or you can have somebody Slide in and Put their hand Inside of his arm And grab his hand with the other hand And say I'm going to walk with you But you at least got to show up And you at least owe me

How can I love you today? You owe me that. Okay. I can start there. And here's how I would start the whole thing. Honey, I love you so much. And I keep pointing out to you all the things that I want you to see.

I'm sorry. I know you're caring a lot. I'm going to go to counseling. I'm going to keep lot. I'm going to go to counseling. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep doing my work. I'm going to start this exercise program. I'm going to start a morning breakfast with the kids. I'm going to start doing these things.

It would mean the entire world to me if you would join me. But I know everybody your whole life has been trying to drag you along and tell you the way you should be doing things and tell you the way you should be thinking about things tell you the way you should be thinking about things. And I'm not going to do that anymore. I love you too much. But you do owe me once a day. How can I love you?

And it would mean the world to me if you asked me that same thing. And basically what you're doing is you're setting down the bit inside his mouth that has been carrying him around and he's not going to know what to do okay whatever and then it's going to be week one

and then it's going to be week two and then about week three I'm almost willing to bet email me if I'm wrong he's going to get enraged he's going to get pissed off because his body

hasn't been with somebody who isn't dragging him around. And he's going to have an anger season before he works through what actually happened. That sound right? Yeah. I'm not like, why do you think that somebody like that would even partner with someone in

the first place? Um, we marry our unfinished business that makes sense and my guess is that's the question i've asked myself is like why in the world are we why what attracted you to me he loves you he is why he loves you he loves you more than life itself and i know that because it's exhausting for him to move about the world he loves you more than life itself. And I know that because it's exhausting for him to move about the world. And yet he tries to come towards you as much as he can.

And then his body's like, we're out. Yeah. And you have probably spent your life trying to get somebody to see something beautiful and bright. Yeah. My mom's always called me her sunshine girl. There you go. That's just always been that way. You probably were sunshine both because that was your,

how you just came out into the world and probably because that is the way your body needed to operate in the system it was born into. Yeah. And so you're going to solve somebody. You're going to make sure they see how light everything is. And he is going to finally figure out, why am I such an idiot? And y'all found each other.

And you don't call him an idiot. You love him too much. But you say, that excuse is not valid. Look how bright it is He's and you're shining a spotlight directly in his eyes and he's like I can't see anything And it just becomes a dance and so you hear me say all the time on the show just turn the lights on turn the music Off that's what we're doing here. That's you saying hey, I'm putting the spotlight down. I Can't show you beauty you have to want to see it,

but I see it everywhere, and I'm going to go grab it. I'm going for it. And my God, I hope you'll join me. And every day of my life, I'm going to ask you, what can I do today to love you? And I want you to ask me too.

You at least owe me that. Unfortunately, these challenges are solved with connection. Lean in. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, we got a follow-up call, follow-up email from the great and powerful Merlanda. I'm just seeing this for the first time. Kelly just handed it to me. The original call was February 27th of 23. So almost a year ago, I guess 10 months ago, nine months ago.

All right. I talked to Dr. John in February of 23 about how to learn to love my body, even though I was severely overweight. His advice that he gave me to write down the negative things I thought of myself, and then to write down the good, lies versus truth, plus advice to seek out medical help led me personally down the road to seeing my doctor and eventually a bariatric surgeon. I had weight loss surgery and I've lost 112 pounds. Wow. But so much more than that. So in all caps, I no longer identify as the woman who called in February. I love myself now. I'm not perfect, but I love myself enough to treat my body and soul with love and respect.

Thank you for helping me, Dr. John. Merlanda, I'm going to smile for the next month I'm so proud of you for deciding I'm worth more Gosh, I'm gonna get all choked up man I'm proud of you Merlinda You have been down the road And most importantly This isn't about weight loss

But 112 pounds That's amazing But it's about you re-falling in love with that woman in the mirror and saying, man, Merlina's worth laughter and joy and fun and love and respect. So proud of you. Everybody, never forget, I'm just a knucklehead on a podcast. Y'all are out there doing the work. I'm so proud of you.

We'll see you soon.