The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Secretly Racked Up $180,000 of Debt

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A wife wondering if she can learn to trust her husband again after a huge betrayal ·       A husband frustrated by the lack of effort his wife is putting into their marriage ·       A woman struggling with how politics are affecting her sex life Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt. Yeah, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second because your house is literally burning to the ground and you're on wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Reese. What's up, Reese? Hello? What's up? How are we doing?

I'm good. How are you? Good. You sound like I like jumped out of a closet and scared you. You kind of did. No, it's good. What's up? How are you? Okay. I can't believe I'm talking to you. Like, I am thrilled that this is so amazing. But it's sad the reason why I'm here. I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt and I am beside myself. I don't even know what to do. What's he borrowed all that money on? Well he started day trading which is in

my opinion gambling. Yeah he's been putting it all on black 26 yeah 100% that's what that is. Yeah. And so did he just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole and thought he could get out of it not tell you And all of a sudden yeah And all of a sudden I looked oh you look so you didn't come to you and say I'm over my head No Never and that's where I'm struggling and I found out in four different increments And I just I just don't even care. So, wait, you found out and then he said, yeah, you're right, I owe 25,000

and then you found another 50,000 and then you found another, oh man. Okay, so how do you know this is all day trading? Because I know he's been doing that, but the sad thing, that's how much debt he caused, but he drained our bank account. So it's way, way, way more than that. But I don't even know how to get out of that much debt.

I personally don't. And I have a job, I have a master's degree, I'm making spreadsheets on how fast we can pay off our house or watching my retirement. And meanwhile, she's on the opposite train going down some ditch on fire. Yeah, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second. Okay.

Because your house is literally burning to the ground and you're on wayfare trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered. He has stopped day trading. literally burning to the ground and you're on wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered Mm-hmm Um, he has stopped day trading. You don't know that you don't know that and here's why you really 100 because he is not calm and said here's everything Yes, I agree and until he said here is everything and by the way, I want to see the receipts Okay, because I know people getting themselves in trouble

with day trading. I know that legalized online gambling is just destroying especially young men, but men and their financial, their financial present their financial futures, it's catastrophic. And I agree. I also know that not all the time, I have a close personal friend that ran up a bunch of credit cards and just kind of got, got to spending, got to spending. But man, the vast majority of the time there's other things going on. There's somebody else, there's addictions that people don't want to talk about. There's other things and it's easy just to say, well, it was me putting money on the Celtics game or it was be day trading man until there is a full

Until he takes a knee in front of his wife of a quarter century And says I've wronged our family. I've wronged you. I've wronged me. I've wronged my commitment to you Here's everything until that moment You can't start making judgments and don't start buying couches for a house. It's on fire No, you know what I mean? Yeah he has he has and he's not a crier and like

I'm not trying to defend him. No, that's okay. I come off pretty harsh, so defend away. Some people on the show need to be defended from me because anyway, yeah, feel free to. Oh, well, and I, that's why I contacted you because I trust your opinion. I value your intellect. I, he has done what I've asked as far as stop it now. And he does show me his computer. He has done what I've asked as far as stop it now.

And he does show me his computer. He has got to the point where he tells me if he crosses the street to go get the mail. And I didn't ask for that. Also, I don't wanna be his babysitter. I have a job and kids. And so he's trying to be as open and honest as he can. However, I just don't know if it's enough So here's where we start. So I actually will honor him for that. Okay, okay, and

This is one of those problems. I That I label it this way it's not by your hand but it's in your lap Mm-hmm your neighbor's pool busted but your is flooding. So you didn't want to deal with this. You got a job, you got your own kids, you got your own life. It doesn't matter. Your house is full of water. And so we'll deal with the water, we'll deal with our family, we'll deal with this mess, and then we'll go knock on the next door neighbor's house and figure out how we're going to get literally upstream of this deal. But yes, you have a job. Yes. But dude, you've got a broken man inside your house.

And if that's where he is, good for him. But here's where it's gonna start. Today, you pull all three credit reports. And here's what we're doing for you. This is less an inquiry on him, even though it is. This is more for you to realize how deep the water you're treading water in. So what you're trying to do is reestablish safety.

Do I have the bottom of this thing yet? And so I want to know how much freaking money we owe, period. And he has established that he can't be trusted yet. Yeah. Okay. The next conversation is I need to know about every girlfriend, I need to know about every hotel room, I need to know about every everything. And if he says none, zero, great, and you believe him, I trust you. You know him. Okay. Okay. Here's what we're looking to do. You have a big financial mess that y'all are going to have to clean up together. Okay. But before we start doing that, we have to

create some sort of temporary concrete pad that you can anchor into. Okay. And right now you are a balloon that the string has been clipped and you're trying to you're right. You're trying to tether into something because everything you know that's reality is now unanchored. Yes. And once we establish that, then we can start saying, okay, budget-wise, how are we gonna do this? And you have to make peace,

your financial dreams as you knew them, the house you were gonna buy, the lake house, the new Tahoe you're gonna get, all that is out the window right now. Yeah. And there's going to be a level of grief. There's going to be a level of just abject rage, anger, all of it. And again, this is not me coming from a position of like, I'm better than anybody.

I've got my own stuff, but I don't buy like a hunting jacket without letting my wife know. You know what I mean? I wish I just so I don't I can't wrap my head around getting 180 in the hole on something. But I also know I'm not perfect. And so I'm not here to throw rocks at him. But I'm hoping because of you, I am choosing to believe that he was trying to do what's best for his family. He thought he had an in and a buddy told him a thing and then he tried a thing and then all of a sudden he found himself under an avalanche. Wow, nailed it. That's my hope. That's the best case scenario. Yep. But let's say you're 200 in the hole. What are you making your job? But let's say you're 200 in the hole. What are you making your job? Well, I just got another one.

So I don't know. The truth is I do have access to enough to cover it. However, I'm not interested in an amount. Okay, but here's the problem. This is y'all's debt and this is y'all's inheritance. Yes. And... Well, it's mine only.

Does that matter? Well, if you're married to somebody for 25 years, it's y'all's. Oh, I know, but he did this. I know, I know. And I'm not saying you run in there and bail it out right now. Okay. But what I'm saying is, if for the past 10 years you've been talking about your inheritance, maybe this rift started with you.

You get what I'm saying? And maybe when you're saying, I get five million dollars when so and so passes away or whatever, then he's thinking, well, I got to keep up with her then so she'll still love me. That doesn't excuse him. I'm just saying when you are underwater, you both both bail and when all of your fruit trees come in You'll all eat those apples And so if y'all are running parallel lives You don't get to see sit from your throne where oh, no, no, I got an inheritance, but you you terrible This is a y'all problem and the y'all win

You're right. So I don't believe you go write a check and solve all this. I think that's not, again, I agree. But I do think y'all have to sit at a table and maybe you come to the table and say, I can't believe I did this, but for 20 years, I've talked about my stuff and your stuff. I can't believe I did this, but for 20 years, I've talked about my stuff and your stuff. This is our problem. And this is our victory. But I'm not going to cash anything out until we have come to terms with how we are going to be married together. How we are going to work through this problem together.

And maybe we are going to clear $100,000 of this debt together by working three jobs each and by the kids thinking we're about to put them on Facebook Marketplace too. Like we're going to sell everything, we're going to all the stuff. And then we will sit down and come up with a plan once we have established that we are in this together. Okay. Does that ring true? Very.

I just didn't expect to be chastised, but I probably needed it. Does it make sense? Yes. And how did you know this? Jared Ranere I just do this for a living. Danielle Pletka That's wild. I do have a tendency to, I think, because I really do feel like I'd be totally fine on my own and I probably function that way my entire marriage. Jared Ranere And so, I would come before him and say, sign on my own and I probably functioned that way my entire marriage.

And so I would come before him and say, I'm so sorry. Because for 20 years, he's been trying to prove to you, no, no, no, let's do this together. I'm making something up on his behalf, right? He may be a total jerk and you may have had to do this because you knew he wasn't reliable and he was unstable and he would gamble half your life savings away. Who knows? But what I do know is marriages don't survive when they are, people are roommates. Marriages don't survive big drops in income or big windfalls when people aren't united. Okay. Because this affects your,

this is not just a money problem. This affects where y'all eat. This affects how y'all date. This affects your life after your kids go to bed and he's on his iPad and you're on your phone. Like this affects every bit of your life. This affects your sex life, affects everything. Everything.

And if this is the moment when you want to call it, then do that. I don't recommend that at all. Mm-hmm, okay. But if you've been divorced for 20 years, y'all just been roommates together, then put that on the table. But he's got a lot to apologize for and be sorry for,

but if you've been acting like his mom for 20 years, saying this is mine and I'll pat you on the head, you said, I don't want another kid, but you kind of had one for a long time, right? Yeah. Ug, right? Ug. Yeah, Ug. Yeah, it's true.

So maybe as a part of the, I want to see how bad this hole is. I want to see how like we're going to put all of the credit reports on the table. I'm going to bring all of my windfalls to the table too. Okay. And here's the plan we are going to make together. And instead of saying, I'm not giving any of this money to bail us out of this mess you made. It is, I want us to prove to ourselves

that we're both in to building this new marriage. Is it salvageable? 100%. But it takes both of you clearing the deck with both arms saying, we are starting from scratch. Here's a brand new marriage. Okay. I have seen glimpses of that.

Well, more than glimpses. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. However, this may be the first time we've ever communicated. It's just a really high price to pay. Well, yeah. And here's the thing, you will all anybody listening to this, and you included me included, there's always a price to pay. You want to pay it monthly?

With a pain in the butt, like a monthly budget meeting? Or do you want to pay it every 20 or so years when you find out our marriage may not make it? So here, I'm going to hook you up with something, okay? I'm going to give you Financial Peace University, all nine lessons, it's a digital thing, I want you to give you financial peace university all nine lessons. That's a digital thing. I want you to watch it together.

Okay. And you think it's about money. It is 5%. But it's really about two people coming together and saying, okay, what do we value? And adults delay gratification and pleasure because they follow a plan to get them where they want to go children Eat as many of the jelly beans as possible Right away who cares about teeth rot who cares about diabetes we just want it right now Yeah, and I'm also gonna send you one year of the every dollar premium app and here's why that's important

You all make a budget together and then every time one of you buys something it pops up on the other person's phone. So you all stay in it together. But you all have to have one checking account. You'll have to deposit in and out. He has to go get a job where he gets a paycheck. He has no self-esteem. He's been floundering for 20 plus years. He doesn't respect himself You don't respect him pull all the credit reports and then you pull your financial statements We're gonna put everything on this and I want you to say these words. I want to be your wife Not your mother

In fact, I want to be your girlfriend. I want to date you again. I want you to fall in love with me. I want to fall in love with you. And we're going to start from square one. What do I want in a romantic partner? What do I want in a financial, like in a financial partner? What I want as a co-parent, we are starting from scratch. And yes, you could do it. How do I know?

I have done it several times. When my wife and I have said the marriage we've had is over. I'll build a new one if you will. Okay, it takes both feet in the boat. Okay, I don't have these skills. We're gonna learn them together. Alright, here we go. So yes, yes, yes, I believe in you. Does that make any of what he did right? No. Does that give me a context as to where he may have been trying to salvage his own dignity and respect for himself and try to win yours over? Absolutely, yes.

And some dude at work said, bro, I've got an insider tip and now we're down a rabbit hole. So today, my friend Reese, for your new marriage, day one. And I'll walk with you and I'll walk with him every step of the way You'll call me anytime super super proud of you guys Coming up next we're gonna talk to a man who reveals his marriage is on the brink All right, Stalone again to talk about my friends at organify every day

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Nothing, how are you? I'm doing all right, man. Good. What's going on in your world? Oh, well, thanks for listening to me, I appreciate it. You got it. No, I've been married for, I don't know, 2003. So 22 years, it'll be 22 years come September. But it's been a big challenge for a solid 10 years. And I've kind of just had enough.

What's been the challenge for a decade? Well, the first decade was, it was all work. We only have one child. It's all we could have. We were blessed on that. Got lucky there. And then my job, I worked a lot hours. She worked a lot hours hours and everything was fine.

I mean, you know, we did our thing, uh, doing your everyday life, I guess. Once I wasn't working all those hours, I slowly started realizing that, well, we don't know each other, so let's try and get to know each other, but in the process during that there's been a lot of, I'll say hurt, uh, that was kind of done. I don't know how to put it on and starting back 10 years ago with my mom. So she had cancer and they only lived a few blocks away from us. So I get out of work, stop by, how are you make sure they're good?

Cause they were elderly. And, uh, but then I'd come home, make dinner, make sure that they're good and then do it every day. Well, um, I'd say four days a week, I'd stop by and make sure, um, mom and dad are doing all right. And one thing that hurt was, um, the first, when it very first started, and I didn't think nothing of it was, um, my wife told me, well, it's either you come home or we're going to be done.

And I go, well, hold on. I said, my mom's got cancer. Dad can't lift anything. I'm trying to help them and make sure that you guys are taking care of too. That's, you know, we've talked about this and it was good. Now, after I know a few years later, I brought that back up and said, Hey, I built resentment with us.

And this is that really hurt. And she said, well, I apologize to you. And I said, I don't know if you did or didn't. I don't remember, but it, it still hurts me. And she says, I'm sorry. I said, okay. And I let that go. And said, all right, well, that's where I'm at.

Um, but then we started having conversations in general. Cause I, every day I go, it sounds weird. I don't, we don't go grocery shopping once a week. Cause it's on my way home. I have a short commute. I'll stop by and instead of me freezing meats and things like that, I'll stop and maybe we're getting hamburgers or whatever. And I'll pick up dinner that night and then I ended up cooking it. And then I clean it up and then I'll ask her like, Hey, I know you don't cook,

but could you help me two days a week? Cause she works from home today or she works at the office two days a week and she works at home the rest of the time. And she's like, yeah, sure. No problem. Okay, cool. No, on the days that she says she's going to help out, just pick that up twice a week. She maybe orders a pizza or goes out to eat, whatever, which is fine, but not all the time. And so that still leaves me with cleaning up and doing the chores and things of that nature.

And she just doesn't engage. Now we've had this conversation. Multiple, multiple, multiple times times and I've, it just never changes. Yeah, but I don't think, let me jump in here. I don't. Yeah. The way you framed it to me just now makes it about dinner, but has nothing to do with

dinner. I agree. This has to do with- But I agree. This has to do with my head on us. It has to do with you on her. You're keeping score time spent dishes washed dollars made. Commute miles driven. What you're asking her is, will you be all in in this marriage? And the way it comes out, your request is very veiled, very they, very, even listening

to your story, it's kind of hard to follow because it's like you have a narrative in your head and then you're like a river and then somebody hops in the river for a little piece of the conversation and then they're out again. And what she takes away from that, I'm guessing is can you can you take care of dinner twice a week? She's like I'll do that But that's not what you're asking What you're asking is hey, I run I feel like I Have two full-time jobs. I have a full-time job that I go to I have full-time job taking care of my dying parents

I have full-time job. You got six full-time jobs two full like full-time job doing all the domestic stuff And I just get home when I see you've been working from home. You sit here and you're unplugged from our life That's a different question that can you do dinner twice a week Correct may use the dinner as an example sure I know I know. I know. I know. So the bigger question is this isn't about communication as much as you don't like your wife and it's not like she likes you. That to me is the deeper issue here. Y'all aren't friends. Hmm. Y'all are like coworkers and you're like, Hey dude, can you at least like clean the

friars once a week? I did the friars and the other like you get dude, can you at least like clean the fryers once a week? I did the fires and the other, like you get what I'm saying? Y'all trying to just shut down a restaurant every night. Y'all aren't like in it together. It's very, you were hitting that on the head. So my bigger question, like my question for you is like, like, man, this is one of those, this is one of those marriage questions that sounds really simple when you call it in, but it peels back like, like you say, 20 years. Because unless somebody's just outside the bell curve with some sort of pathology, right, mental health disorder or they're just a grade A ass.

Outside of that, somebody doesn't ask their husband who's swinging by for 30 minutes on the way home from work to check on his dying mother to get your butt home unless there's contacts there. Which is my husband wants any excuse to not be present here. And I'm wondering if 10 years ago she didn't have the words, the language or the emotional maturity to say, I miss you. I feel like you're avoiding me. Is there something about me you don't like? The story I'm choosing to make up is you'd rather be anywhere but next to me on this

couch. And that comes out as either you come home or we're done. Do you understand what I'm saying? And for you, it's a similar, like, instead of saying, Hey, I want a wife. I want a lover. I want someone to play with. I want to come home and be happy that I'm here. I want to walk in the door and see somebody who's been

working from home, happy to see me. My dog runs to the door to greet me and you're like, ugh. But that comes out as, Hey, can you, can you do dinner twice a week? And so maybe the next move, dude, is to say, hey, I love you. And I feel like all these other people want to hang out with me like you do. And I'm not doing a good job of communicating to you how much I want to hang out with you. And I haven't found a way to invite you out of this house to come spend some time with

me dancing, going to movies, going to concerts, going to comedy shows, whatever. Would you go talk to a marriage counselor with me so that I can learn some better tools? Actually, we had that conversation as well. Okay, how'd that go? And after our conversation, she goes, well, and I said, okay, well, maybe we should schedule. When do we want to start?

She goes, I don't think we need to do that. We just had our talk. Michael, that's not how it works. I know, but you have to say, I need to. Would you love me enough to come help me? Not we need to. And when can you do it? And when can we? I need to do this. I'm going to counseling for myself now. Yes but she doesn't want any part of it. Okay. At the end of the day, brother, you've got to live in that. And that will be probably the most painful experience of your life.

And unfortunately, I don't have a quick 10 minute quippy like just do this this and this For a lack of better analogy, this is just yet another cancer in your life It's gonna take some professional help and two people deciding we want to fight this and we want to go to war against this Together us two verse the world and you just can't do that by yourself. And I don't have a, well, what do I do now? Do I leave or do I? Those are all decisions way down the road between you and a therapist. But I guess if I can do anything for you now,

William is to let you know you're not crazy. The place I would probably start if I were you is making sure I am working on myself as much as I possibly can. Am I a guy that's fun to hang out with or am I a guy who always tries to lecture and fix everybody? Do I always want to talk about work and TPS reports or am I a guy who brings fun to the table or whatever? I'm going to do this for you.

This is a Hail Mary. I'm going to send you all three questions for humans couples deck. Don't even leave the house. Just ask while y'all are at home, can we turn the screens off and just do five of these questions a night? And here's what it might do. It might spark just a tiny little flame in,

I like this guy. I remember the fun we used to have. I like to have more of this kind of fun. And by the way, I take questions in the car with me. I took some to dinner the other night with me and my wife and I learned some more things about her. I didn't know after almost 30 years of dating and being married.

And so I'll send you all those. It may do nothing, but here's what we're trying to do. Trying to get to the bottom of you have somebody in your home who's just the light's gone out. And by the way, this may have nothing to do with you. She may be struggling with depression in a pretty significant way. She may be struggling with hormones. Who knows what she's working through on her end.

But this doesn't sound like it just popped up. It's like it's been this way for a long, long, long time. And but you're not crazy. I don't think you're crazy. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I wish she'd go with you, but start there, brother. Start there. Thanks for the call, William.

Next up, a woman struggles to be intimate with her husband because of how caustic their political differences have gotten to be. All right, listen, there's no finish line when it comes to your mental and emotional health. You don't just wake up one day and run out in the yard and announce to the world, alright, I'm totally well. Your mental and emotional health requires ongoing daily work. And for me, a big part of that daily work is staying spiritually grounded.

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Carve out the space, make the time, set the reminder, and if you haven't tried Halo yet, now's the time. Go to halo.com slash deloney and get three months completely free. That's three months completely free at halo.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to H-Town and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing today? I'm doing outstanding. What's up with you? All right. So my question today is how do I navigate such different political views in these wild

times that we're living in with my husband? I don't know what you're talking about, wild political times, tell me more. Just kidding. Yeah, no. So I guess kind of just some context. We are very newly married, but we've been together for a long time prior to that.

We have definitely spoken about politics. It's not like we didn't touch about this or talk about it, prior to marriage or anything like that. And neither of us really prior to any of this hated the other side or, you know what I mean? It was all very cohesive. And so I guess the problem is, is we're not fighting with each other.

It's more so we're both very passionate about how we speak and we're just both very fiery people. So we'll get talking about these things because I mean, something new happens every day. You know what I mean? It's like, it's almost like you can't really not discuss it. And then it's like- I mean, you for sure can't, but go ahead, go ahead.

Yeah, right. It's, and then it's kind of like, we both are like, we just get heated on this on top of each other, on top of each other, on top of each other, kind of speaking over, because we're just so, I guess, into it on our own sides that we're trying to figure out like, what's the best way to discuss this where we're not kind of seeing the other person as like, what are you even thinking about? Can I ask you a harder question?

Yes, you can. What is dumping all of this passion and feeling an aliveness into other people who are just literally designed to fire you up instead of each other? What is that getting you? Truly nothing. And I'm very aware of that. And that's where I think for me,

I the want to call in and ask about this was is that I know that for me I grew up I was always kind of like that little social warrior like social justice was like my thing sure and so That's just how I've always been so and when I'm talking about these things I feel like I'm coming off as just like Like disappointed in him or these things when that's not what it is at all. He's totally the best man. Can we, can I just follow you down this rabbit hole?

Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm in sales. Okay. What do you do as a, how do you support the least of these in your community? What do you give to, what do you volunteer for, what do you do with your time? So volunteer wise, I don't necessarily, I have two jobs at the moment.

Don't really have a whole lot of time. But previously, so my parents were in the nonprofit world, they helped direct a nonprofit back home. So I think that's where I just grown up around. Let's back out of them for a second. Let's back out of them for a second. Let's just talk about you. Okay.

So, and this is somebody did this exact thing to me. And that's why I'm just, I'm replaying a conversation that somebody had directly with me and I'm doing it to you. And it should feel uncomfortable because I remember feeling uncomfortable, but it was very instructive for me. As a person who's committed to, quote unquote, social justice, and I'll come after him in a second, okay.

Is the commitment to social justice an avenue where you have been able to feel better than other people and or win arguments in the past? Or is it a commitment that you wake up every day trying to figure out how can I feed hungry people? How can I make sure people who are not, who are society has kicked to the margins? How do I make sure they're welcome at my house?

Because what I'm finding and on the other side other side i'm assuming he's comically conservative Um, yeah, okay, and y'all just butt heads y'all argue and argue and argue Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say arguing but very passionate conversations and then we're not trying to fight with each other But it just sounds like it because we're both just very passionate about it. But you're saying underneath that, that the, it's gotten to a point where you don't respect him enough that you don't look and you don't even want to open your body to him. I don't want to be intimate with you. That's a level of disrespect because I know people who are different ideologically and

it fires up the bedroom. Right. But this is a different layer. Cause I know people who are like, dude, one of my best oldest friends on the planet is insanely liberal. And does, I mean, I'm sorry, insanely conservative, like comically conservative.

Right. And doesn't have a job. And it's like, bro, like the whole, you know what I mean? Right. And it makes for fun, political back and forth and whatever. But you can rant and rave, or you can go get certified and go get yourself one of the 5 million open manufacturing jobs currently existing in the United States right now.

Right. Or you can talk about social justice and how ridiculous it is and scroll Instagram, or once a week you can open up your home and everybody's invited to have dinner at your house because you're providing all the food. Right. Right, so we can talk about all this stuff.

I see what you're saying. So we can talk about all this stuff and scroll and whatever. But here's the bigger thing. I think this is all theater for a husband and a wife who dated for a long, long time and thought they would just roll right into being married together. And all of a sudden we don't like each other or we don't have the same commitments or we don't have a purpose that it's us two versus the world on. Right. So I'm more interested in that. And that's that's the thing is I don't ever that's not why don't you want to sleep with your husband let me ask that like why don't you want to sleep with your husband? No, it's when I say intimate, it's more like being like opening like I feel because for lack of not trying to get into politics, like I feel, I think it's more so coming as a woman,

like agreeing with a party that is kind of going against woman. Okay. That's where I think the thing is. It's not, it's more like intimate outside of the bedroom as well too. Okay, so basically, so let's take the political off. You are looking at a man, you married a man and you're starting to wonder, oh you think you're better than me? Or you think I have a role and it is X, Y, and Z, which diminishes me as a person. Because again, take the politics off. Look across the kitchen, look across the living room at your husband, that guy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, no, I hear you. You can't see it through the lens of it's, you're identifying with the party, you have to see it as the person. But there's something instructive there. He's saying things and representing things that is making your body feel I'm not safe in my own house. And I know not getting beat up safe and all that, but in a, I don't feel like I can open up to you. I don't feel like I could tell up to you. I don't feel like I could tell you

what I'm actually scared about. If we ever have a son or a daughter, I'm scared of the world they're gonna grow up in. Yes, I think that's the true root of it. It's hard for me to express my concerns and sadness over a lot of the things that are happening just because I know he's not that type of man, but then again, you, you still are a part of that in the sense.

I get that. I get that. I get that. So I guess the bigger challenge is instead of saying y'all, you guys, you stupid conservatives, you dumb libs, I would much rather see you inside your house say, I'm terrified that I'm making up, like that if I had to go to a doctor about my medical care, I'd have to default to somebody in the House of Representatives of our state onto what kind of care I could get. That is a much different conversation than you guys.

Or I have a friend at work and he wants to marry his boyfriend and I can't fill in the blank. Or your husband being able to say, my granddad took me hunting, my dad took me hunting, and I don't have a son that I can take hunting, and they're trying to take hunting away from the Western part of the United States. I think that's wrong. Do you see where anybody can come together on those moments?

Or if you can't come together, you can at least sit across the table for each other but when they start with y'all and you guys and you Whenever you come at somebody like that, then yeah, you rally around your team and right now Politically the teams are who do you all hate together? Also, very true. It's not what kind of problems are we trying to solve? You get I'm saying? So I...

No, 100%. Is he a man, and this is a question, because I know these guys too. Is he a man who when his wife sits down and says, I'm hurting over a thing, I'm scared over a thing, that he says, I don't care? No, not at all. Or if you said, hey, I'm really struggling with X, he would say

they're going to come through me first. Yeah, he's very protective. That's the thing. I think it's I see this great man and I think I'm putting on, you know, blinders and I just see this party as a whole thing. And that's on me. You know what I mean? It's well, I mean, there's both parties right now are giving it their best, right? Yeah. They're really trying. So it is hard. Here's where I would love anybody wrestling here.

I would love behind the rhetoric to like, I don't know, like, hey, on Saturday mornings, I'm going to start going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. It would mean a whole lot to me if you would come with me. Just going to do three hours. And it's easy to talk about quote unquote them. It's really hard to talk about your friend, Bubba, that you met at the soup kitchen every Saturday morning for three months. And then you see him come in that one day and his face is all scraped up and he tells you met at the soup kitchen every Saturday morning for three months. And then you see him come in that one day and his face is all scraped up and he tells you what happened the night before.

Man, then you get a different picture. Yeah. Or you can talk all about X and Y and Z. And it's really tough when my buddies in Colorado are like, I can't take my grandson hunting this year because they've limited X, Y. Like it's really tough when my buddies in Colorado are like, I can't take my grandson hunting this year because they've limited X, Y. Like, it's hard. Right? It's hard.

Or it's hard when my friends in Michigan are like, yeah, we still don't have a job. And so it's getting beneath that instead of talking about it, actually, who are we going to be in our house? And what I'm hearing you say, which is frustrating for me, and I know it's frustrating for you is, oh, wait, we got two really great human beings in this house that are both wearing the wrong jersey that really doesn't represent either of us.

But because those colors are so bright, we're missing the great person that's actually right in front of us, but because those colors are so bright, we're missing the great person that's actually right in front of us. Yes, exactly. That's so frustrating and annoying. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody. I hate that for all of us right now.

Yeah, it's a lot going on, but you know, we're gonna make it through. We always have. This is what I love. I love that in what 10 minutes we can get beneath the veneer and talk to real people because here's what most people are trying to figure out right now. We can't afford chicken. We can't afford eggs in our house. We have to cut out bacon. There is less stuff on the shelves. Whoa, we got a politics and Bob.

No, no, no, no. I'm tired. I'm out of hope, right? That's the stuff I'm hearing all over the country. I was at a dinner last night with people who have net worth that I will never fathom in my life. And the prevailing sense is we're out of hope. We're out of hope.

We thought this, we thought this would solve everything. We thought this was gonna fix everything. We thought, we thought, we're out of hope. We're out of hope. We thought this, we thought this would solve everything. We thought this was going to fix everything. We thought, we thought, we thought, we thought. We're out of hope. And the only way to reestablish hope is to reestablish humanity in good people. And that starts with husbands and wives saying, you vote this way, I vote that way. We'll duke that one out, but I'm not losing my sex life,

I'm not losing my intimate life, I'm not losing my ride at a partner over what jersey we're wearing. Let's do the hard work, who are we gonna be in this house? That's for us in our house, dot, dot, dot. And usually that cuts through all the nonsense. Thanks for the call, Nicole, your willingness to talk about this, it going to impact a lot of folks.

And by the way, if you don't agree with me on this, you don't have to. That's fine. Or if you're sitting there seething, you don't understand. I would just challenge you to take 30 days off the news and off social media and just see what happens in your life. And you should subscribe and like the show. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for the big stuff. But therapy can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I've personally used therapy for working through major, major trauma as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. If you're thinking about trying therapy, check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world,

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Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip. All right. This is from Courtney in Glens Falls, New York. And she writes. Glens Falls, like multiple Glens are falling? Multiple Glens and multiple falls. They need to fix that sidewalk.

That's a lot of Glenn's falling over there in New York. All right, Glenn's falls. Glenn's falls and she writes, my husband and I have a great relationship and sex life for the most part. He's 35, I'm 32. Married six years together for 12. Four children, seven, nine, 10, and 13. We are the quote unquote, gold couple.

Everyone is always saying how sweet and loving we are, but my husband gives me the silent treatment every time I fall asleep after promising sex. He thinks that he has the right to be mad because quote, I shouldn't promise and then not follow through. I offer, I've offered to him that he can wake me up, but he says, Oh Lord. If I cared enough to, if I cared enough, I'd stay awake. It really affects my feelings toward him and toward sex negatively. Am I the problem?

Why did you give me this one? I like to watch you squirm. Why did you give me this one? I like to watch you squirm. Just wake me up. Kelly, why this one? The whole house is a problem here. Like everyone needs to have a different conversation which is, because here's the thing, she is hearing his advances as I need to get off and it's your job. And he's hearing, I would rather be asleep than be with you.

And so just wake me up and I'll be half awake. I'll get you off and I'll go back to sleep. Nobody wants either of those things. And what do they have? 31 kids or something? They've been together six years. How many kids? Six, four? Married for six years together for 12

and they have four children. Okay. Yeah, the bigger thing is backing all the way out and saying, what kind of life do we want to have? That's a bigger question. You don't, you're not buying it. No, I do. What I, if I was able-

Yes, yes. It's not cool to say, dude, tonight, me and you are going to freaking party and then to go, not cool. I'm actually coming to her defense on this one a little bit. Okay. Because I would like to know like, does this happen all the time? Then yes, we have an issue. Yes.

Or is this talking like every three months, you know, because sometimes you're a different person at 2 30 in the afternoon than you are at 10 o'clock. Correct. Because, you know, you've got four children, stuff happens, there's a project that has to, you know, oh, you have a test tomorrow or a project due and blah, blah, blah. And it's 10 o'clock and all of a sudden you're exhausted. That's where, but that's where it's not, it's not a, it's not a team sport here. And so if I send a flirty text at 9 a.m. it's like, tonight we're partying and you write back, oh hell yeah, hold on to your hats and then by two o'clock I can't keep my eyes open.

Then I need to be a grown up and say, dude, I sent you the most absurd, like let's get it on text and I can't even breathe tonight, I'm so tired. Could we? That changes everything. Then waiting until nine o'clock, he gets out of the shower, ready to party, and she's cashed out. Like that's a lack of communication. And on the other side, him being like,

I deserve that, that's stupid too, because that doesn't take into account life is happening. And so it's again, yes, if it only happens once every six months, this is a silly conversation we're even having. I'm assuming this happens with some regularity and both people are missing each other in the night. I agree with that. So what do you think the solution is? Oh, wise one.

I think you're right on the solutions communication. Talking about it, being like, man, I'm so sorry. I know I said this, but after I talked to you, things went off the rails, a busy meeting or whatever, or it just don't feel great. Here's where it unwinds. The harder conversation for him is, I don't want to be with you just to get off. If I'm communicating that through my actions if I'm completely unplugged from the house and I show I get home and I crack open two beers and I just scroll Instagram and

you do the dishes because you've made dinner too and And and I've been communicating to you that I just want you as a warm body for my pleasure and I'm so sorry and She needs to come to table and say, I hide from you. Like I just, I'm busy. I just get on the covers and go to bed real fast. And I'm like, Oh, just wake me up then. Like I'm hiding from my own husband in my own house. And I don't do that either. Like that's a different conversation here. Him having given her the silent treatment is so it's a child. Yeah. It's like, I'm

going to take my truck and go home. Right. And she's like, thank God, I wanna go to bed. Yeah, so stop that. Yes, everybody in this house needs to be an adult. That's the bigger thing. Except for the four children. I was gonna say, all the adults seem to be adults.

And what does that mean? With four kids running around, 13, what? 12, six, two, one? Seven, nine, 10, and 13. Yeah, there's gonna be less sex in this house for a season get over it and there's gonna have to be sex on the calendar get over it and there's gonna be times you have sex when you're both tired that's part of it when you have four kids like it's all of it together but it's adults talking it through and saying what I really want what I really want is here's my I'd be willing to bet money unless he's just the worst guy ever what I

really want is after a crazy day at work I want you to desire me and for her to say at the end of a crazy crazy day I would love to desire you I have nothing left here's what would really help and that goes back to that the brakes and gas pedals conversation and that's where you're like if you want me fully present at nine or ten o'clock at night that I'm gonna need a ton to help here here in here and On like that's where the conversation goes. And so everybody's a fault here and nobody's a fault here. We're just figuring this thing out. I Feel like This question after a politics question, we...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a fun five years running this show. We're glad you are with us. Kelly was like, I want to get another job. So she decided to tank the show. So congratulations, Kelly. You ended us. Hmm. No more tattoos for you. Just wake me up. Come on. And also, I'm not talking to you. Hmm. America, we need adults to be adults. Let's start there. Love you guys. Bye.