The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Wants Permission to Cheat

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A wife dealing with a chronically unfaithful spouse -       A woman uncomfortable with the conspiracies her mother-in-law believes -       An immigrant stuck in a toxic marriage to avoid deportation    Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp   3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY 25% off Helix Next Steps 📞 Ask John a Question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation    Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/compa…

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My husband says that he wants to be able to see other people, but one-sided. Where does he go? I'm just trying to imagine him bringing this up at my house. Like, I don't understand how that conversation would go. What's his logic? He watches a lot of Andrew Tate. Oh, God.

Okay. Well, there you go. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that of all the gajillions of podcasts, after you listened to the first four you've already listened to today, you picked this one for number five or maybe number six

or maybe number one. So grateful to have you. This show, we talk about your marriage, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. Kids struggling, trying to figure out what's the next right step.

What do we need to do next? In a world that is overly TikTok'dcked where they've got every answer to every question in four bite-sized little chunks that take about 30 seconds to flip and with a dance by the way if you want to see kelly's tick-tock dance channel it's all unhinged but on this show we don't talk about that stuff we We actually sit with hurting people and we try to figure out what can we do next. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Emma. Hey, Emma, what's up? Hi, how's it going? I'm doing great. How about you?

Doing okay. Excellent. What's up? So, I have been married for three years, and my husband says that he wants to be able to see other people, but one-sided. And I'm not joking. Awesome. Man, you picked him.

You sure picked him. Yeah. Where does he go? I'm just trying to imagine even bringing this up in my house. Like, I don't understand how that conversation would go. What's his logic? He watches a lot of Andrew Tate. Oh, God.

Okay. Well, there you go. Yeah. You super picked him. Yeah. Does he just eat red jelly beans for dinner every night and meat? Just red pills and meat Pretty much yeah Sweet nailed it

Wow Well good luck with that Emma thanks for the call I'm just kidding So I mean what's your question Um My question is Do I hold out hope for this No

I promise you this is not the first Um, my question is, do I hold out hope for this? No, no. Cause I promise you, this is not the first thing that's made you feel uncomfortable or out of bounds, is it? No, no. What's the first thing? Or give me some examples of, of some other things. Um, well, I guess a good way to look at it is if I'm some things like, just if I've been at work, um, you know, it's like,

there's always been before I knew this and Heather has been, um, you know, just anxiety, I guess, like worry. And I can't always pinpoint it, you know, like why, um, I felt uncertain and it's kind of because I think it's maybe because he's never been 100%. And I know it sounds dumb, but it's hard when you've invested time into somebody and then they try to change the rules. Emma, I don't think the rules have ever changed. I think you've been a hood ornament since the day he met you. What do you mean by that? You're something he can show off.

You're not two people creating a life together. That's the whole movement, right? You're an object that he's proud of. And he has it. And he puts it in a trophy case and no one else can see it or talk to it. And he's going to go out and get another trophy and another trophy and another trophy. And he's been doing that since you were married. He's just become more overt about it.

Has he cheated on you before? Yeah. Of course. Now he just wants to cheat under the cover of you know it. Right. And not that I would ever be interested in having multiple people, but for principle's sake, I know, I said, okay, well, I will too. And it's like, no, men are different. And, and I, yeah.

Men are different because they think they can get, they can get away with watching some internet videos and being like, yeah, that's how the world works. And then try to go do that. And I think what's been hard is, um, I have, you know, done, I'm, you know, I really have always believed in marriage and, um, you know, it was very serious for me. So it's been very challenging to kind of come to the terms of, wow, this wasn't what I thought it was. And then how do I give up? How do I let go? Hold on. It is what you thought it was? It isn't. No, I'm telling you. It is what you thought it was. It is important.

And it is valuable. It's extraordinary. And it's hard. And it's worth every weird, awkward, awful, heartbreaking second of it. It's just that the person you married doesn't think it's worth the toilet paper he

wiped his butt with this morning. And so you have that you think it's super valuable and somebody is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. And they're not upholding their end of the bargain. So here's the thing. I am out of the business. I will never be in the business of telling somebody unless they're in a highly abusive relationship you have to get out now. So I won't let you off the hook with blaming me. You're going to have to make that choice for you. Yeah. Okay? You have to make a grown-up choice. Is it going to suck? Yes. Is it going to break your heart? Yes. But your heart's already broken. It already sucks. I think that's right. And so it's like, and this isn't stuff I already don't know.

Like I know, I've known I need to leave. It's more, it's like I'm scared of being alone and I just don't know how to like get over that. How old are you? I'm 30. Okay. You're fine.

Yeah. Well, I said that like, if you give me a number, you're suddenly not fine. Um, this awesome guy that comes here and gets cookies every evening, he's probably in his late eighties or nineties. He just got married. So there's people out there. I don't think that's the true fear you have. What's the true fear? I think part of it, fear of being alone and not knowing what to do with myself. And then him meeting someone else and being everything I wanted. And then, you know, giving up. It's like the fear of regret. But I already know what's going on. Yeah, he know, giving up. It's like the fear of regret, but I already know what's going on. Yeah, he's already left you.

I mean, he's already left you. He's just in the same house. And he just says he hasn't. You know, he said, oh, I'll never leave you. You know, you're good with me. And it's like, how could I feel good? So I just, yeah, it's the fear of. Why don't you think you're worth working on honoring,

like going to get a degree if you don't have one, like get the, like, why don't you think you're worth those things? Cause I see you in your head, you think, okay, I'm out of a toxic nonsense relationship. I put everything into it. And I believed in this thing. And I guess the image you have in your head is you just sitting around. So do you work now? Yeah, I do.

Okay. I'm a nurse. Yeah, well, dude, so, I mean, you could do anything. You can take a travel contract and go see the country. Yeah. Or you can do absolutely nothing and stay right where you're in this situation you're in right now. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I, and I, I, uh, that's the hard part is I, I don't, I don't want to stay. Um, and then when I've asked him, um, you know, Hey, we need to take a break. I need time to think.

You know, can you go stay somewhere else? He says no. Like, basically, it's like Groundhog Day. And I feel like I'm... Whose home is it? It's ours. Okay. Well, as a part of a divorce settlement, you'll have to sell the house.

Or somebody's going to have to buy the other person out. Right. Yeah. You want this all, listen, you want this whole, you want the car just to run out of gas on the side of the road and gently come to a stop.

It's not going to. Okay. You're married to somebody who cares more about how they look, how they appear to the world and what they want. And they will stomp over the person they looked in the eye and said, I do for the rest of my life. Stomped all over you.

And so there's no reason to think that this person is going to be rational or kind or respectful as this thing dissolves. This will be a big blow to his red pill ego. Right? Right. Because you're his property. You're a trophy that goes in the case. Yeah. And it's,

I don't, I know the term like narcissism gets thrown around left and right. Like, but I think there is some of that going on as well. And I would say, who cares?

Yeah. You're spending a lot of time trying to figure things out and you already, but you already know your answer. You already know your answer. Yeah. Right. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's, it's been really difficult. I know. And it's not okay. Yeah. It's not okay. I'm old school,

man. I believe in getting married and, and duking it out and figuring it out as long as you can. And yeah, there's fear that I won't like it just because of what I've been through. Like there's no good men out there. There is. I work with a whole bunch of them. A whole bunch of them. Yeah.

Right. I do. They're my friends. I know them. They. Right. I do. They're my friends. I know them. They treat their wives honorably. They're goofy, and they're into weird things, and they smell funny, and yada, yada. They listen to bad music, but they're great guys. Mm-hmm.

They're extraordinary. There's a whole bunch of them. Right. Yeah. And whatever led you to this particular person, if that's not something you want, then you're going to have to be intentional about seeking out different things

in the dating process moving forward if you choose to do that again. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Right. Go for it. Fast cars and muscles aren't going to be,

can't be the choice again this time. And flashy things can't be the choice this time. Mm-hmm. Muscles are good. Having a stable job is good. Shiny things are nice, but they can't lead the way, right? Right.

They fade. There's not the security that I would need. That's right. I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I wish I had some better ta-da for you. This one's on you.

You got to make the call. What you're going to do next? Call anytime. It's going to be hard. And it's going to be, if you ever feel unsafe, make sure you've got people in your corner that you can walk alongside.

Often people like this don't like to give up their quote unquote property or their ego, their respect. They don't like to, they want it all. It doesn't matter who they're going to hurt in the path towards getting whatever it is they want. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish you peace, peace, peace, and whatever you do next. We'll be right back.

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That's helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, what's up? Let's go back to Eugene, Oregon and talk to Kayla. Kayla, what's up, Kayla? Hey, Dr. John, how are you today? I'm good. How about you? and talk to Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Hey, Dr. John. How are you today? I'm good. How about you? Not bad.

I can't complain. You could complain, but then you'd be like, Kelly, all the time. So what's up? What's up? Okay, so my mother-in-law believes in some out there conspiracy theories,

and ultimately, I'm wanting to foster a good relationship between her and my four kids. But also, I want to help my husband stand firm with boundaries. And I want to know how I can be good at that role. What kind of conspiracy theories? Are they the good ones or are they way out there good ones? Yeah, kind of out there. Like everything from Flat Earth. Oh, duh.

Continue. But then we get into some that make my heart hurt. Like Jewish people are nefariously owning everything. That's less of a conspiracy theory, more just like a bigoted way to see the world. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, there's weird ones like viruses don't exist. And it's hard to have those conversations with her.

And if you disagree with her, she gets really defensive and angry. Yes. So I have a rule that I only talk to people that, I can only speak when I can be heard. Yes. So I have a rule that I only talk to people that when I, I can only speak when I can be heard. Sure. And I've got,

I joke, like my friend Rachel Cruz here, my closest buddy's here, she believes like, doesn't really believe in the moon landing. She's not a flat earther, but like big foot,

like all into these wild things, right? But she's good natured about it and we laugh about it and we poke fun at each other. And I think conspiracy theories on the whole are a way that people sometimes try to make sense of a world that feels out of control, right?

If every dot is connected behind the curtain, then there's a clockmaker back there somewhere, right? And so it may feel good. You're talking about bigotry and you're talking about um like health safety you're talking about madness yeah right and an inability to have a conversation about it yeah i don't want my kids around that crap yeah you know what I mean but I don't want to like withhold them she is choosing to have them not around you're choosing to keep your kids safe

she is choosing to not have her kids around I mean it's as simple as that like you wouldn't say like I don't want my kids to go out in traffic because you know what I mean it doesn't matter what I say next you just don't want my kids to go out in traffic because you know what I mean? That like, just on it's,

it doesn't matter what I say next. You just don't want your kids playing traffic. I don't want my kids around somebody like that. And by the way, I would let my kids stay with, I have let my kids stay with Rachel Cruz all day long. Right. It's not about,

it's not about, um, uh, some beliefs go too far for me, but it's not about that. It's about being able to have a conversation, be able to laugh and being able to like, okay,

and I'm going to teach you. And does she try to talk to your kids about this stuff? Mostly my eldest son, he's on the spectrum and he loves outer space science. And anytime he tries to talk to her about his newest favorite obsession, which has been the Kuiper belts of all things, And anytime he tries to talk to her about his newest favorite obsession, which has been the Kuiper belts of all things, she shuts him down.

The Kuiper belt. Yeah. That's one of, that's one of, uh, audio Joe's, his favorites. He's huge Kuiper, Kuiper,

Kuiper belt. I'm just kidding. I know what that is. Uh, but, um, it just, she shuts him down.

Like, that's just a lie. That's fake. Don't talk about it. And it just, she shuts him down. Like, that's just a lie. That's fake. Don't talk about it. And it just, it hurts him when he's trying to have a conversation with his grandma. Yeah. I hate that for him.

Where's your husband in all of this? Very, very frustrated. And he's the one who has the harder conversations. We can't believe that you deal with your people and I'll deal with my people. I like that. I agree with that. So he's just increasingly frustrated and heart sick about it.

That's it. Yeah. And he works a lot and he actually works with them because it's a family run business. And so we're just kind of forced to be in it. So I'll challenge you on that. At some point, I have chosen over my career to not be around certain people with certain beliefs. I've left.

Sure. And I've chosen other opportunities. And I know that's hard and heart-sick. I love that you said that. I mean, he's grieving this thing. He had this picture of how this was all going to work out. He's going to have four amazing kids and have an awesome family business and yada, yada, yada. And his mom's increasingly saying wilder and wilder things. And now she's trying to teach my kids.

Yeah. Right? So, you don't have a choice if you continue to take a paycheck from them. And they continue to be the boss, then they run your life. Yeah. And at some point, he's got to choose, I want peace for my family,

I want peace for my home. It's going to cost me something. That sucks. I want peace for my family, I want peace for my home. It's going to cost me something. That sucks. I hate that. I'm going to grieve it like crazy. Grieve it like crazy. Yeah, I think we already kind of sensed that coming.

Yeah. So here's what I recommend. The earlier y'all can decide to make some hard choices before it turns into a car wreck, you're still going to be stuck in traffic for a while, but at least you're not going to be sitting outside the road with a car all smashed up. Just the idea that you would take away space from a 12-year-old on the spectrum,

it's just almost borderline evil. It's just mean. You know what I mean? It's just mean. It's not helpful or useful. It's just mean. It's an older adult flexing on a kid. Why would you do that?

Yeah. Why would you do that? Right? Good question. Yeah, I don't know, man man I don't have anything nice to say um so my mom told me just keep my mouth shut but yeah I mean you and your husband gotta sit down and make some hard calls um if it's my house and my mom was saying nonsense stuff like that um I'd be looking

and I worked for a family business I'd be looking for work elsewhere. That's just what I would do in my house. And I would be pretty clear with my mom and my dad, if you're gonna make these statements, these generalized statements about entire races and groups of people or religious groups, or if you're gonna completely deny any sort of scientific reality, I can't have my kids stay with you,

I can't have my kids around you. If you're gonna talk this way, they can't i can't have my kids stay with you i can't have my kids around you if you're going to talk this way they can't be here yeah and your grandparent i mean your in-laws they get to make the final choice as to whether your kids are over there or not and they have a relationship with them and if they choose their theories and their nonsense and their joy busting and their bigotry over having a relationship with their kids that's a heartbreaking choice that y'all gonna have to grieve it sucks yeah but it's reality yeah i get it and there's too many people there's too many awesome people at your local church there's too many awesome older folks um my son does this thing with i don't know how it works through a school,

but they do something with, with all folks. So I'm like, there's some amazing people that would talk to your son till the cows come home about the whatever, whatever Orion's belt thing that you talked about, like that would just let him talk about science and run with it and make eye contact and be engaged right and that's

what that kid deserves and needs yeah you know what i mean he yeah we we do go to a local church here and he does have that with some older older people invite them over to your house for a meal invite them over let them see what that looks like. And I know it's heartbreaking, but invite them over. And at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, your husband's got to make a hard call, hard decision. And yes, I agree with you. That's his call to make. Those are his parents. That's his call to make. And good on him. We've had multiple calls over the years on this show where husbands are too cowardly to address their own moms. And so their wives have to take it on and it becomes a disaster.

But yeah, you're going to have to make some pretty significant life changes. And I hate that for you. But bigotry has got no place in my house. It just doesn't. Everybody, everybody's welcome at the Delaney house. That's how it's going to be and i might make make mistakes going full steam ahead but i'm going to make mistakes when it comes to health and safety um not listening to some yahoo on a youtube channel it's got 12 followers who's in the trunk

of his car somewhere in the mojave desert telling us things that we really know right i'm just not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that and here's the deal if i find out when i'm 85 that all of science was i mean all of this space was faked what if it was all faked none of it's real none of it's real nasa's a huge front for a weapons system that's gonna bring the one world government whatever what And bring Bigfoot back to life so he can ride on a sloth or, I don't know, not a sloth. What are those big elephant things? Mr. Snuffleupagus.

What were those things? Like woolly mammoths? Woolly mammoth, not a sloth. A woolly mammoth, I don't know. I'm just trying to, you know what? I'll go like, man, missed that one when I'm 80. I'm not gonna live my life like that every day missed that one when I'm 80. I'm not going to live my life like that every day. I got a couple of little kids that I love too much and I want their

imaginations to absolutely stone run wild. Man, people need to get off the internets unless you're listening to this show. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Kayla, we'll be right back. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where

you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Delaunay to get 10% off

your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Delaunay. All right, let's go out to the City of Angels,

Los Angeles, California and talk to Nora. Hey, Nora. Yes, Nora. What's up? I know that's not your real name, but yes, Nora. Let's go with that one. Hey, sounds good. Sounds good. So what's up? Hey, Dr. John. Super excited and quite a bit nervous to be talking to you. So anyway, I'm a little scared of what harsh realities you might have for me.

Um, but in the same breath, I, I need someone to be brutally honest. So I really appreciate that. Uh, you're taking my call today. I'll put on my, I, I, I kind of lied to the last caller a little bit, so I'm going to, I hedged a little bit. I didn't lie, but I wasn't as mean as I could have been. So I will put on my brutally honest hat. All right, let's do this.

All right. let's do this. All right. I appreciate it. So I married my boyfriend of about two years in February. And I hate to say it. I did it for immigration reasons. Don't know if you can pick up my accent. I am not from the U.S.

I thought you were from Nebraska. Right? I know. Everyone says you are from the South, right? And I'm like, I am. Really, really far South. Way, way, way far South. Really, really far South.

So, and... Wait a minute. Hold on. Our immigration policy and process here is like clean as a whistle. It's just smooth and simple everybody's on the same page i know i had to do this but amazing i know right amazing i've been here over 12 years and they're like come on in please stay please stay oh my gosh i'm so sorry all right so um you've been here 12 years you've married this this guy and I'm assuming it's not going great?

It is not going great. It is going terribly. How come? We fight all the time. And this is before marriage. And our lawyer, who is wonderful, obviously we didn't say, hey, we fight all the time, should we get married? She's like, great idea.

She obviously gave us all our options, said, look, this is the best one. We were like, great idea. Let's do it. Anyway, we do. We fight all the time, every other week probably at a minimum. And it's just toxic. It's so unhealthy. And I don't know what to do because if we divorce, I'm done. Everything I've built, my friends, my business, everything, I'm done. I go home with my tail between my legs and I have to start again. And it's not even a tail between my legs. This is now my home. Everyone's like, do you miss home and I'm like yeah sure I do but like I've built my whole life here I graduated college and came here and you know it's not even that I love him too so so what why do y'all why do y'all it's gonna sound like a strange question and I'm I'm choosing my words carefully why do y'all choose fighting I don't know. I don't know. We don't communicate. That is something we have, we both know we don't do. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Why do you choose to not communicate? We've discovered that we are afraid of each other. So we both have a lot of past trauma. And something I've learned from listening to your show is the GPS pins. And we definitely do that to each other. He has a pin on me from past trauma and I have a pin on him. I'm like, you're going to do what all these people in my past have done to me. And he's like, you're going to do all the things that these people in my past have done to me rather than going hey maybe i should trust you and and maybe you're not going to do that but we don't give each other the opportunity okay but you're like you hear that though

all these things your nervous system is not a choice it's working behind the scenes day and night to save your life but everything after after that, y'all are choosing. What are you scared of? Me personally, I'm scared of being abandoned. That's my past. And so you're going to fight and scratch and claw until he abandoned you

and you go, yep, told you. I knew it. Why? Yeah. Why would you do that? I don't know. I'm making it sound so simple

and I know it's not, but like, just come up 30,000 feet above this with me. Why are you choosing this? I don't know. You love this guy? Honestly, I do. You will not be surprised when I tell you every time we fight, I'm out. I run every time.

Of course you do. Why? His issue is, what's his issue? He was lied to by his family up until he's in his forties. And up until about five years ago, he found out that his dad is not his dad. Good gosh. So everything he knows is a lie, right? It's not, but that's the way it feels. Yeah, and so he does not like lying, obviously. So if I even give a mistruth, like, I'm wearing blue socks and they're actually black. He's like, you lied to me.

Yeah, but that's his nervous system. Yeah. That's his body going to war. It's fight or fly, instant. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, I'm making it sound so trite, and I know that. Okay, I'm doing that on purpose. we don't have a ton of time together but if you called and said

this dude is super abusive or I hate this guy, I did this just for this I hate the guy, I don't like being around him his breath is terrible, he's gross, he's an awful like romantic he's the worst I would tell you you got some really hard choices ahead

but let's take in a way it's going to sound awful in a way I'm kind of glad you have this huge cliff in front of you because it's making you think twice about abandoning this relationship because I think you actually do like this guy I do, I love him to death no, that's just what people say about their puppy i love him to death does he no that's just what people say like like about

their puppies yeah i love it to death i think you actually like this guy i do i don't think you'd be calling if you didn't and you're you're too wise you're you're smart but you're wise um and i think he likes you too huh yeah? Yeah. Yeah. And so it's not uncommon to be married. Y'all, what, nine months in, 10 months in now? Oh, no, I'm sorry,

four or five, huh? Four, four months in, yeah. Okay. What does it look like to sit down from each other and say, okay, we can't keep doing this? Mm-hmm.

One or both of us are going to have to risk getting hurt really bad. But say, I love you, I'm going to have to risk getting hurt really bad. Let's say I love you. I'm going to stop fighting. Is that possible? He's 40. How old are you?

I'm almost 40. He's in his mid-40s. Y'all have been living by yourselves for a long time, right? Y'all are pretty independent people. From my perspective, it feels like something y'all could figure out and choose i'm going to choose healing i'm going to choose the discomfort instead of choosing to run and fight and scratch and claw and push people away and then point at them and go see i told you i knew you would do this it's just i mean you got to choose your heart here yeah and you can choose hard like figuring

out how to find a new life in a new country a new old country and let everything go or choose hard like i'm gonna choose to be relationally vulnerable it's gonna scare me to freaking death but i for whatever reason i did it i said i do now here like I haven't looked at the data in a couple of years. And so I'm talking about old data. But the last time I took a cursory look at it, arranged marriages do as well or a little bit better as marriages that are for quote unquote romance. Romance and ooey gooey.

People just choose. We're married. We're just going to figure this out. So I've got a ton of hope for you guys. If y'all both sat down like adults and said, all right, I'm going to quit fighting. We're acting going to figure this out. So I've got a ton of hope for you guys. If y'all chose, if y'all both sat down like adults and said, all right, I'm going to quit fighting.

We're acting like children because our nervous systems are still children. And I will never, ever, ever lie to you again. Ever. Yeah. And I will never run from an argument ever again. Yeah. Here's what I want. Here's what I need. And I will never run from an argument ever again.

Yeah. Here's what I want. Here's what I need. Yeah. It's interesting you say that we tried to talk yesterday and it started off as two children fighting and it ended as two adults. Yeah. And it was probably the best argument, quote unquote, we've had. And I did. I said that. I was unquote, we've had. And I did. I said that.

I was like, we are acting like teenagers. We're acting like children fighting. And we are, you know, I'm nearly in my 40s. You are in your 40s. And this is ridiculous. And you're both asking the same childhood question that haunts us all. Now that you see all of me, do you still love me? And when your body gets asked that question

you haul ass out of there and when his body gets asked that question he's like I'm untethered to everything my dad's not even my dad and so y'all have to know that

that's a 17 year old or 16 year old response to that question is to run and hide and pout and be mad

and withhold and be angry and all those things that's a normal 17-year-old response. It's not a 40-year-old response. 40-year-old response says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm putting both hands on the table. And my body feels super scared right now.

Are you in this with me? Yes. Okay, give me one second. I'm going to breathe through this and we're going to keep going. Yeah. Right? And we're going to keep going. Yeah. Right? And we're going to keep going. Yeah.

I mean, and so as I'm saying this out loud, does the thought of this give you peace or is the thought of this like, ugh? No, it gives me so much peace. Like my heart rate has just come down. Okay. What if he has to go first? Yeah. And here's the deal. Here's what sucks about this. What if he has to go first? Yeah And here's the deal Here's what sucks about this

The great Esther Perel says this All relationship Whether you've been married for four months You've been married for 45 years Every morning you get up And you present yourself to somebody else Hoping that they still love you Yeah

It's a risk And so you can sit down tonight and say, okay, I talked to this moron on a podcast and here's what I want to try. This part is hard living every day. Like we're in tension, like we're fighting, we're scratching and clenching. This is hard.

And both of us choosing that we love each other and we are going to gently and quietly and sometimes vigorously figure this thing out. Mm-hmm. Will you do that with me? Yeah. I think that sounds amazing. He can look at you and say, screw you, I quit. He can do that.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. And the worst case scenario is you have to pack up and move. And already the worst case scenario is already the worst case scenario, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, let me flip this around. How's the romance?

It's actually pretty good. Pretty good or like we're 40 and we still got it? Oh, no, we're 40 and we still got it. Okay, that's what I'm talking about. There's still passion there, right? Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

What do you do for a living? Give me a roundabout. I'm in the medical field. Okay. What about him? He runs his own business. Okay. In construction.

He's successful? Yeah. You're successful? Yeah. All right. You got two highly successful, highly opinionated alphas sitting down, and their 14-year-olds are running the show. Stop. Yeah.

Fair? Yeah. Yeah. And I also want you to make space for that 14-year-old that's still scared to death of getting heartbroken. And I want him to make space for that 39-year-old that just found out his dad's not his real dad. Mm-hmm. Because those—I made the call yesterday to my wife on the way to work i am sorry that i just acted like a child and i took out my shame as a husband

and i was late late late late so much so that my wife started grabbing her purse and grabbing her shoes to take my son to school i was beyond normal john late and then i got ashamed and i was like what are you doing and she was like i'm taking him to school i was like i my son to school. I was beyond normal John late. And then I got ashamed and I was like, what are you doing? And she was like, I'm taking him to school. I was like, I'm going to. And then on the way to work, I called and said, I'm so sorry. That's my biggest, like I suck as a grownup because I'm late everywhere. And it just is embarrassing to me

that you're about to blow your whole morning to take him 40 minutes out of the way. And she laughed and said, I forgive you. And I said, I'm still growing. That's going to still happen. It's still part of it. Yeah. And I hate to say,

it's good to hear that other people, you know, that seem so perfect on the outside have... Me? Struggles to...

Nora, you could have listened to this show twice to know how least perfect there is. There is. No, man. I'm... I am super fun to be married man. I am super fun to be married to, and I am a nightmare to be married to.

Yeah. Right? And so it's both and. Everyone is. Everyone's got their stuff. Yeah. But I think it's just deciding like, hey, we can make a choice.

Yeah, our bodies are going to take off on us, and our bodies are going to go to fight or flight. They're going to try to protect us at all costs, but we can make a choice as Yep, our bodies are going to take off on us and our bodies are going to go to fight or flight. They're going to try to protect us at all costs. But we can make a choice as to what to do next. And I'm always going to choose you. And I'm always going to choose honesty. And I'm never going to run from you. And I need you, honey.

Yes, you found out a bombshell. I need you to go to counseling and work through that. And not everything in your life was a lie. Not everything in your life wasn't true. I'm here. I life was a lie. Not everything in your life wasn't true. I'm here. I'm not a lie. And yeah, we're a little bit shady about why we got married,

but we're going to make the sucker run. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. And he does. He goes to therapy, but he did tell me a while ago that he isn't always honest with her.

And I don't know what that means. That's so dumb. Tell him to stop wasting his money. Tell him just to mail the money to me and I'll buy some cool hunting honest with her. And I don't know what that means. That's so dumb. Tell him to stop wasting his money. Tell him just to mail the money to me and I'll buy some cool hunting gear with it. I'll make it way better use. I said that too. I was like, why are you wasting money?

Oh, she only costs $15 because of his insurance. I was like, oh my God, I can't win this argument. Oh, geez. Whatever. But a long time ago, probably a year now, we had an argument about him saying that he wasn't mad at his mother, his parents about the whole lie. And finally, one day, this is the year ago, he broke down and he did admit that he was very angry. And I was like, finally.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. What did you win? Well, I didn't win. No, no, no. In your guts, you needed to win that exchange. Yeah. What did you win?

Just that I needed him to admit that he did. Why did you need that? Because he kept on saying that, like. Why did you need that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Of course you're right.'t know. Of course you're

right. Of course. 100% you're right. But why did you need to win that exchange? I wanted him to understand that keeping it inside or just feel that keeping it inside was

killing him. It is. It is. It was killing him. Okay, so you can fight him or you can say, you can put one hand on the back of his neck and one hand on the side of his face. And by the way, that calms the nervous system. Okay. And you can say, I love you.

And I don't see a possible way in the world that if somebody did that to me, that I wouldn't be enraged. I also know that's scary to say out loud. I love you. And never forget secrets will kill you. I'm always a safe place. And you walk away.

Yeah. Because it's not an exchange. If you, like you versus him and you win, you both lose. Yeah, that's true. And so like, I'm not gonna fight you. I know I'm on that one. Yeah, that's true. And so I'm not going to fight you.

On that one, I know I'm right. I know I'm right. And I'm going to be here whenever you're ready. And eventually he was ready. He just had to take a loss for it. And so he's got to make up for that loss somewhere else. The same as at his company, when the pipe comes in more expensive,

he's got to make cuts over here on the wood, right? He's got to figure it out how to balance the sheet. I'm balancing the sheet with my wife. We're on the same team. Yeah, that's true. Is that fair? And you're right because I felt guilty afterwards. It's like having siblings and you take something from them when you're a kid

and you're like, ha-ha, I got the red crayon. And then you're like, that doesn't feel as good as I thought it was going to. Exactly. And if you're like most of us, you make him feel bad for making you feel guilty. Yeah. Don't do that. All of these are grownup choices.

All of them. Yeah. I, here's what, here's what my hope is. My, my, my most sincere hope.

I hope you and him call on your one-year anniversary. Okay. And we will cheer the crap out of it. We will celebrate you so big. It'll be amazing. Okay. Or better yet, come to Nashville. How about this?

Better yet. Better yet. Okay. You can be my guest at the Money in Marriage event in Nashville, Tennessee in October. Be my guest. the money and marriage event In Nashville, Tennessee In October Be my guest Alright I'll pay for your tickets

Oh my god That would be amazing Y'all gotta come down But I'll pay for your tickets Alright Is that on? Stay on the line We're gonna get your number

If you wanna stay It's completely sold out We'll have to We'll find somewhere In the building for you Like I even try to get my friends And they're like

Yeah we like No But we'll get you in the building You're in If you all wanna come down To Nashville And y'all are wealthy enough building for you. Like I even tried to get my friends and they're like, yeah, we like have no, but we'll get you in the building. You're in, if you all want to come down to Nashville and y'all are wealthy enough, you can afford it and you can come down and it'll be a blast. You're amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah. All right. I really appreciate you. All right. In six months, we're going to have a celebration on this show for your one year anniversary. If you choose to stay. And for everybody listening, it does sound like I tried to pressure them to stay.

I'm biased. 100%. And that pressure came from, I believe in her guts that she wants to figure this thing out. Not just because she doesn't want to get deported. She wants to figure this out because I think she actually likes this guy. I think he might be actually worth the fight

to figure it all out. It's going to be hard. You've got two adults who are entrenched and successful, and they've been doing their life their way for a long time. I think they can figure it out. Man, what a story this will be. What a story this will be. Thanks for the call, Nora.

You're rad. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour. Just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. And we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible fun night.

But every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025, and then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn, and if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life. Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at RamseySolutions.com slash tour.

Alright, we are back. Hey, it's Kelly's birthday. Woo! Thank you. This is a big one. It is a big one. It's is a big one. It is a big one. It's like a big one.

Like we put new parking stripes out there for your walker and we're so excited. You can roll right up to the studio now. That's so good. It is a big one. It's the big five zero. Your husband kissed a 50-year-old lady this morning. Yeah, but he's 59, so he's pretty dang lucky.

Well played. Well played. Well played. Ew. You've kissed a 50-year-old man before? Well, yeah. We should just stop that. You and I are going to get off the rails quick. It's going to get real bad real fast.

Well, so what are you doing for your birthday? So he was going to make dinner tonight, but he's home sick. So I told him, please not to. That's such a man thing. I know. That's so good. What a good move. But we've got some friends going out on Saturday night.

We went to lunch on Sunday, and then we've got some friends going out dancing on Saturday night. I will truly feel my age on Sunday morning. Oh, for sure. 100%. You and both of your new hips. Uh-huh. And my knees. Yes.

Shoulder. Uh-huh. And my knees. Yes. Shoulder. Dang, dude. Well, congratulations on making 50. I bet your childhood liver didn't think you'd make it this far, so congratulations. My childhood liver? Your college liver. College, that's fair. Your college liver is like, we're not going to do 50.

Yeah. Probably not. We made it. Yeah, we are. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Awesome.

Okay, so what do we got? We have an Am I the Problem. Okay, Am I the Problem. We may. Here we are. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Awesome. Okay, so what do we got? We have an Am I the Problem. Okay, Am I the Problem. All right, this is from Tracy in Alabama. Am I the problem for asking my mom to include me or to go through me when making plans with my preteen kids? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes, and yes, and yes. We have a kid's cell phone that they are allowed to use to text a limited number of people on. She will text them on that phone regarding activities and then expect the

kids to talk to me. No. But I am requesting that she contact me as well. She says I'm trying to put rules on her and that I'm being difficult. Am I the problem? I would tell her if this happens again, I'm going to block you. Is that her mom or her mother-in-law? Her mom. Yeah. If it's my mom, I would say, Mom, if you ask my kids for... I can't even do this. My mom is so respectful of our boundaries and we got some crazy ones.

But like, yeah, I'm going to block you. You can't text my kids. They're preteens. Good gosh. That's so insane. Parents, stop being insane. I don't have words for that Good grief

What about you? What do you think, Kelly? Oh, I 100% agree with you on that one Give me some of your ancient wisdom Chip it into a tablet for us Seriously Y'all hear this This is what I deal with all day long

No, I think you're right Because it's one thing If you know If grandma texts the kids Hi I love you Of course Yeah because my kids Have done that

With their grandparents Mine too Mine too But I could not imagine My in-laws I don't have my parents anymore But they would never Have done that

If they would have said Oh we're gonna go here Hey they don't know What we have planned They don't know What It's just No My parents don't ask me to plan things They go straight to my wife because they know you're you're I mean i've met your parents and your mother I know knows you I know exactly she would not and i'm far beyond preteen

Like I just it's such a power move Like i'm gonna take over the raising of these kids. It's so gross. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Let me put it this way. Nobody should be texting your children. No adult should be texting your children other than in-laws.

And maybe somebody, I'm going to say no. Even like my buddy, Hank's got a mentor, a guy that I just adore and love. He texts me. He CCs me when he texts my son because it's inappropriate for an adult to text kids. All these stupid apps that coaches have, like you have to text your kid. No. No adults are texting my kids. That's insane.

And if it's your parent, at some point they cross a line and they become just like every other adult if they don't abide by your boundaries. It's madness. The only exception we have is my son goes to the beach with my sister-in-law every year. And every year he goes. Sure. But, I mean, he's also, you know, he's 18. He's 18. Yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, she'll text him, hey, here's the dates we're going this year so that he can ask off for work. Sure. And he can make a plan. And then she always lets me know, hey, I hey, here's the dates we're going this year so that he can ask off for work. Sure. And he can make a plan. And then she always lets me know, hey, I told Nathan here's the dates. You know why? Because she's a functioning adult. Right. So, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Lord, take the phones away, all of them. Bring us the box back on the wall with the squiggly little cord attached to it. Please. Please. Oh, geez. Help us all. Love you guys. Bye.