The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A woman wondering if it’s too late to save her marriage ·      A wife looking for ways to be a more spontaneous parent ·      A husband reconsidering the vision he has for his family Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck. Or let me put it this way. What he did was bratty.

What you did was annoying. What he did was a crime. Yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. So glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and your relationships, whatever else you got going on in your life. So glad that you're here. So glad that you're here.

If you want to be on the show, if you got some stuff going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Pull up a seat, pull up a stool, and we'll have a drink, grab some nachos, and we'll figure out what's the next right move in your life. Go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you can type away, fill in the form, and maybe even Chad GPT will write it for you can type away fill in the form and Maybe even chat GPT will write it for you You can put in the form and ship it off and then we'll give you a buzz and have you on the show And yes, I get calls. I mean I get direct messages. We take calls from all over the planet So if you're in some other country somewhere, I'm glad that you're in our gang and glad that you're with us

And I'd love to have you on all right Scott. Let's go down the road a couple hours to Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Elizabeth. Hey Elizabeth, what's up? Hey, dr. John. How are you? I'm good lady. What's up, man? So Kind of a difficult thing to talk about so excuse me if I get emotional Hey, listen, you are you can get as emotional as you want and go slow as you want and only say what you want it to. Okay. Okay. Same thing.

So I'll just give some backstory. Me and my husband met in 2023 in February. We got married in November, we found out we were having a baby in December. So fast forward, our son is now seven months old and it's been really rocky. We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He was charged with aggravated assault against me and is now in jail and I'm on tour between like leaving or staying. Like I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his life. So I don't really know where to go or what to do.

I'm sorry. Thank you. That's not how they this supposed to go. No. Um, so let me let me make sure i'm gonna i'm gonna read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right. Okay. Um, okay, you met this guy a couple years ago Y'all fell in love pretty hard pretty fast. How old are you? We're about 25. Okay, so still kind of young but you're going for it. Y'all got married and then I guess

y'all got pregnant on your honeymoon and then you have a seven month old. And since you've been married, your husband's, I didn't get the game. He's playing too much, playing video games all the time. Tell me more about that. Yeah, it was, so he struggled really hard. Like when I first had my son, so he became really distant to the point where he would pull all nonners playing a video game. He would go to work on no sleep or-

He just ignored you guys, no helping with the bottles, no helping with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing? Yeah, my son was nearly three months old and he hadn't even washed a bottle yet. He would watch them, but he would like lay them in the bathroom beside him and like put his headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry. Oh God. So did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant? He played games, he's played games the whole time I've known him, but it wasn't to this extent. Okay.

So it just kind of got worse. So tell me what happened the night it escalated. So earlier that night, he wanted to have sex and decon'd and so we kind of got arguing about that and then he went to play his game. How did the argument go? It was like, he was, I was, we were actually laying down to watch a movie and I was falling asleep and he was like trying to wake me up to have sex and I told, I got aggravated and I told him like, I'm trying to fall asleep, like I've been working, like I want to get

some rest and he's like, you know, well you told me like I'm trying to fall asleep like I've been working like I want to get some rest and he's like you know well you told me like I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous and I was like yeah like after I've had a rest not like when I'm falling asleep and it just kind of turned into like I don't know he started making me feel like I don't care about him and it was like I was going back on my word or something and it was like a big misunderstanding that way. So then he gets up, he's throwing like a major league two-year-old tantrum, but he's in a 25-year-old man's body. And then he gets up to go play his video games. Yeah. So, um, right after the argument, I went outside to like just breathe.

Um, cause our arguments have escalated and I'm just kind of, I just kind of exit. And I'm like, are you cursing at each other? You swear? I mean, y'all pushing each other. Like what's, what's, give me an example of a fight. So there'll be a lot of, um, a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing. It's not always physical like it has been before but not to this extent. Paint me a picture of physical like what does that look like? Like there was an argument

where he had taken our son right before I was about to shower with him and was like trying to get me to talk to him. Like he was using my kid. He knew I was about to get in the like, bathe my son and I'm trying to grab my kid and he's like pushing me, like push me back. And like, we're just arguing over it. And so let me paint this picture because I'm asking these questions on purpose. Cause I'm getting to, I'm walking along a path

that I don't normally walk with a collar. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am, okay? I'm not just being nosy. I'm actually, I'm going somewhere, okay? Okay. So I'm painting a picture or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on who's getting into the shower

carrying her newborn He grabs the baby You're standing in and half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on and he's shoving you saying you're gonna Come talk to me Yeah, he had Carried the child into his bedroom or carried our child into the bedroom and he's like, well, I'm gonna change a stopper and I'm like I'm taking this stopper off the shower and then it's Like and he had later admitted that he was using our son like but there's a particular

There's a particular The reason the picture of this moment and I know it's a little bit of a graphic moment I don't want all of these people who listen to the show, trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. That's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability. And a woman who is unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a slippery,

unsafe situation, shower. And a guy that will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right, weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book. You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell, like we'll get through that kind of stuff. But I'm just trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.

Yeah, it gets really confusing because there's some times where I cry before the aggravated assault charge, like I would come to him with something and he would be really calm. And I'm like, so now I'm just confused. Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants. He goes to a, instantly becomes a toddler. And if he feels powerful, like you saying, Hey, can you help me with this? Or do you have an answer for me? And he's got a utility, then that feeds his ego. But the moment he doesn't get what he wants and you're an object for him, the moment that

you don't fulfill his fill in the blank, his ego, his sexual need, his whatever, doesn't matter if you're exhausted, doesn't matter if you're exhausted, doesn't matter if you're working a full-time job and 100% of this childcare of your new baby is on you and he's been playing video games all day. I don't really care, I don't have sex right now. And one time or two times we were talking about spontaneousness, especially after we're,

you've been pregnant for half your marriage and you've had a baby for the other half. Like of course sex lives get screwed up then, right? And you talk about spontaneous and how do we practice desire, all that fun stuff. He's like, yeah, one day just wake me up, man. Let's just do it in the middle of the night. That's all cool and well and good,

but then my wife's exhausted and I'm like, no, you sit. You get what I'm saying? Like that's using your words, that's using a conversation. And there's a difference when in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers actually touch, and then you kind of feel like,

oh, you're more awake than I thought. And then it kind of happens, right? That's a different thing. And so- I think that's kind of what I had in mind. Of course it is, of course it is. You know why? Cause you're like, you're a regular, you're a normal person.

It wasn't, hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I've been taking care of our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night. Like, of course that's what you meant. And any rational person in the world would know that. Okay. So walk me through the last little minute. Y'all, he wants to

have sex. He's trying to wake you up and you say, no, I'm going to bed. He gets pissed. Y'all are screaming, yelling, cussing at each other. He throws a temper tantrum, gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. Then what happened? So, um, well, after I'd went outside and come back in, he'd kind of like disappear. I didn't know where he went. And then I seen like he had turned the game on cause I can, our apartment is like pretty small. So I can see into the living room from our bedroom.

And so I noticed he's on the game and I don't know what I probably shouldn't have done. And I went in there and I took his headset off and I'm like telling him like Like if I can go to bed like you can't play the game and then he Like I got those words out and that was like he had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck and It didn't feel like it was in the way to like keep me

from breathing, but almost like to scare me. Cause I also feel like he's not stupid. Like he's not going to leave marks and anything like that. So it was that, but that's what I had done. And like, I mean, I don't know. I know that I shouldn't have done that, but yeah, but there's, there's a, so here's what I'll say. Fine.

Yeah. You probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form or fashion. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime.

Do you get the difference? Yeah. And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens. And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight. And that's why repair like coming back together after a fight, that's why that's such an important skill for all relationships.

We say dumb things, we do something dumb, like I step outside and I act bratty or whatever the thing is, but we don't commit crimes of violence. And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in my questions back to you, you're hearing me, I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions.

He has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife. He has one interest and one interest only. And that's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with, clearly. But I'm gonna look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is. You got to show up for your kids.

You can't hide behind 24 hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove an exhausted naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath. You can't do that. You can't use your son, your baby as a lure to get another adult to do what you want them to do out of fear of you're gonna hurt their kid. You don't take over some try to like have

wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you. You don't shove a woman down even if she's you put your hands on even if even if she pulls off your headset and said if I can't do if you're gonna wake me up and you can't play video games that's silly but you don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck letting you know I could kill you right now if I wanted to so reading that back that way and I know by the way in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft peddling it for me, right?

Yeah, I think so. I know you are. Okay. And I don't blame you and I honor that. I'm not going to push anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions. But just reading that back, like if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a coworker of mine, I'm looking at you and saying, what are you trying to salvage here?

Because I don't know what I'm missing. I just, I think, like, as far as like lawyers, like everybody's telling me to leave, but then like I have like my dad, like my only close like person in my life and he's Christian and it's, you know, like, oh, you can't get divorced. Like nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. What's he want? That guy to kill you? Yeah, I mean, he just. Nonsense.

I don't know. I had this like picture. There it is. Like, I don't know. I know people like make mistakes. I don't know if I'm being naive. Like, I don't know. Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories

you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever are all your fault. Yeah. And in the last time I spoke with my husband, he said, you know, like, oh, I didn't grow up with, you know, like I'm trying to be a good dad. I didn't grow up with a good role model. And, and it's like, I don't know, I'm stuck between sympathy and You can be sympathetic to you, but you're not going to, you're not going to, you're

not going to take my baby. You can be sympathetic, but you're not gonna throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me. I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next, and they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying, they're screwed up and they're goofy, and they say dumb things and do dumb things, and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that, I get it, I totally get it. But hear me say,

this is out of the norm. Yeah, what's strange is like we were sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. We were seeing a marriage counselor and she would, she had known that it had been physical before like before this happened. She's like, she's like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that but I want you guys to know like what you're doing with this normal. And like he's repeated that back to me.

I can't even tell you how many times like, this is normal. Like what we're going through is normal. And I'm like, this is not like something is wrong here. She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal? Yeah, that it's just... She should have her license taken away.

That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her. Now, if she was saying, I will not tolerate you putting your hands on him, every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage is gonna struggle with

communication and figuring things out and dad's trying to check out like that's that is normal but if she's telling you you just got it like hey some guys just shove their wives around that's not true I mean that's true that that happens that is not normal it's not right it's not. It's not something you just deal with Do you have a friend? Do you have a? I don't know somebody you work with but they could let y'all crash. I Think like maybe my babysitter I thought about like staying where I'm at and getting like an order of protection now and maybe filing for emergency contact. I think that's very very wise.

The jail is literally like two streets over from where I live so it's like I don't like I'm worried about him. Sure. I just walk in over like we've talked and he said like oh I want like I understand if you don't want to be in the loss and all of this and he's agreed even to like I understand if you don't want to be in the law and all of this. And he's agreed even to like divorce. That way I don't have to, I pay for a contested divorce. But Does he, does he, I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband.

I mean, he says he does, but he says like he, that he, I don't know, he just struggles. Yeah. And I've like, like I'll pay for his insurance, pay for all of our insurance and we get free like therapy and stuff like that. And he's not downloaded the app or anything like that. So there's no. Well, and maybe I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy.

And again, I've never talked to him. I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. Maybe he knows I can't control myself. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. If he's talking like that to you, I want to be a dad. I want to want to be a dad and a husband. I like the idea of that picture. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if that's what he's given

you, I would not fight that. I would accept that. I think that's closer to like what it is. Okay. Well, here's what I'm going to do for you, okay? I can't do a whole ton. I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go. I want you to sit down with a counselor and tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional

and that I told you to explicitly clarify. And this is you, part of you, and I know you've never been allowed to do this. So this is day one. I want you to explicitly clarify, and this is you, part of you, and I know you've never been allowed to do this. So this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out, and look this therapist in the eye as equals. Y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world.

And I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say, I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly. When you said, this is totally normal, and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid, were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground?

Put that person on the spot and get that clarity. Okay? My hope is this therapist was saying, I will not tolerate violence. I'll call it in. And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right? Yeah. That's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, no, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other

a little bit, That's okay, then I Want to know because I'm gonna file on their license Okay, so get that kind of clarity if you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying I'm hoping it is then you can continue to stay there, but I want you to get some very clear. I want to talk through what Being safe looks like what's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay? Okay. That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right? I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It also has an

assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want. And I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short. And it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay. Okay. Thank you.

I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University, all nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that and it's going to, I'm going to give it to you for free. And I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself. And I want you to, again, to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller.

You're going to have this insight, you're going to have knowledge, you're going to have wisdom, and you're going to have a little bit taller. You're gonna have this insight, you're gonna have knowledge, you're gonna have wisdom, and you're gonna have a path, okay? The third thing, I'm gonna send you the Every Dollar app for free for a year, the good one. Like the, not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version, okay? And that's gonna be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff, okay?

So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like. Okay. Okay. I'm also going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool. But it's me giving you here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you too. Okay? When we come back, we're going to talk to a woman who is struggling because her husband's the fun parent and she's been stuck in the other role. We'll be right back. Alright, I'm going to tell you the truth.

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But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families, hurting people for years and people are scared to just take that next step. Listen, when people don't get help it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities. The world is better. Your life is better when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy

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What's up Allison? Hi, how are you? Dr. John? I'm doing great. How about you? Good. So I am one of the OG 17. And we are excited because next month we get to go see you at the Money

in Relationship Tour in Louisville. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's gonna be fun, man. We're gonna have a blast. I'm glad y'all are coming. That's cool. We are. Very cool. Well, hey, at the end of this call, hang on the line and we'll get you upgraded to VIP and you can come backstage and meet us. Oh, that would be amazing. Thank you so much. Very cool. All right. So what's up? So I have my question and I wrote back, I wrote out some background for context. Okay, go for it. Because I get nervous. Oh, go for it.

Go for it. So my question is, how can I be a more fun parent while still raising good kids? The background is, for context, I am married to an amazing guy. He's the father of both of our kids. We share the responsibilities of raising and disciplining our kiddos when need be. But my husband is super creative when it comes to playing with the kids where I am more tightly wound and I cannot seem to relax.

I've taken advice from your show. We've purchased the questions for humans, family additions, incorporated bi-weekly breakfast dates before school with the kiddos. I purchased books. But there are times during my one-on-ones with my kids that I feel like my body is just pulling me away and just shutting down.

So I want my kids to see that I can also relax and be fun and not just be dad. Dude, you're awesome. Thanks, I don't feel like it someday. I know, I know. But I want you to hear what you're awesome. Thanks, I don't feel like it someday. I know, I know. But I want you to hear what you're able to do. I mean, this is usually like five months of therapy. You're able to have a picture of who you think you want to be.

And I'll challenge that picture in a second, but I love that you have one. And you also aren't burning your husband down because he happens to be the thing that you wish you were because that's usually what most people do. It's easy to be like, he never did, but you're like, no, no, no, I'm going to be fair. He is a great husband and he's also obnoxiously fun and it drives me crazy, but I love it. Right.

And you're able to feel your own body as it's doing what it's doing to try to keep you safe. And the tragedy here is it to try to keep you safe. And the tragedy here is it's trying to keep you safe when you are under the direct gaze of one of your kids and we'll get into that. But most people blame their kids, blame and blame and blame. And for you to be this self-aware is amazing. So you're awesome. That's so cool.

Thank you. Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective. We're just thinking through all this stuff. So. Thank you. Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective. We're just thinking through all this stuff. So good for you. All right. I'm going to throw a couple of questions up against the wall. Okay.

Let's see what sticks. Okay. Okay. Oh, you know what? Can I throw kind of depending on where I think this is going to go, this could be hilarious and really awkward. Is that okay? Totally fine. You positive? Positive and really awkward. Is that okay? Totally fine.

You positive? Positive. All right. Same team. I'm not trying to be weirdo, but I'm being serious. Okay. Okay. But also I'm smiling.

What is don't go into like super graphic detail, but give me a high level time. You just wowed your husband. Oh yeah. I mean, if we were talking from his perspective, that would be every day. His comment is a lot of times that I'm a sight for sore eyes and I'm like, I don't see that. Forget his, he didn't get a vote on this one. I know. You. Gosh, I honestly can't pinpoint. Like if we go out for a date night,

like, you know, obviously I've been, I'll put more effort into getting dressed up and you know, making myself look nice. So I mean, like if we're gonna pinpoint something, I could say that for sure. No, no, no, I'm talking about like, I'm gonna be comically sexual and I'm gonna blow his mind. That would probably be like on a random day

that I will text him like, okay, like, hey, when we get home, this is the plan for tonight. Okay. Like, you need to go to bed early. Like we've taken those cues from your show and tried to incorporate that. Cause you know, having two kids is hectic. Of course, of course. It's, it's, it's mayhem.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And does he love that? Oh, he does. He plays right back with him. Cool. And when he plays back, does that light you up or does that make you start to disappear

in your own body? I know it lights me up. Okay. All right. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good. So All right, that's question number one. So I know that's You don't sound like a person like me like at the dinner table. I'm like, hey like Anyway, I bet our dinner conversations are very different and I love that. Okay. No, my husband is more like you.

Okay. All right. All right. So, um, here's the second thing What evidence do you have that you're not fun? I think it's when I can just see my kids more gravitate towards my husband for like the fun outlet. I'm more the one they come to for the conversations of like, I like somebody in school or I'm having a difficulty or I'm having difficulty in school with a particular individual. So I think we're both safe spaces, but we've seems like they'll gravitate more towards him for the fun.

And sometimes I feel like I kind of get left out. All right, so as you're saying that in my house as you can imagine I have the same dynamic and My dream is one day my kids will be like dad I super am in love with some guy or some girl and they don't they go to my wife You know when they come to me when my daughter goes dad. It's time for couch fight part two Yeah, and then she attacks me on the couch and jumps off the thing onto and then we're in WWE and then my son comes by and you know, like He bumps me I bump him back and then now we're like hey dad, you want to go fishing? Yeah, let's do that Hey dad, you want to go wrestle the backyard? Yeah, let's do that. Hey mom, I'm really struggling and I'm like, hey

Why don't you talk to me about this? What I do for a living? And they're like, yeah, whatever, dad. And so I'm asking you, I would love to be in your position. So what is it about this position? Hey mom, couch fight. Now it's time. And your first thought is, oh, I don't want to mess up the cushions, right?

Or hey, you have homework to do, or hey, I don't want to mess something up. Last night, last night we were watching, it was the 100 years of the Opry. Right? And so they had all these old country stars. And I think I've talked on this show, my son is obsessed with 90s country. And it was just like, coming up next, Garth Brooks, coming up next, Clint Black, coming up next. And he goes to bed pretty early. And I was like, dude, you're standing up for this one. He's like, oh yeah. And my wife's like, he's gotta go to bed. And then the next one would come up and be like, coming up next, Garth Brooks.

I'm like, Hank, you gotta watch it. Anyway, it'd be like an hour and a half later. And I was like, he's gotta live. And she's like, he's gotta, right? But all three of us were laughing the whole time. So I'm asking you, like, what is it about your role that feels sacred and holy for your kids? Not in a religious sense, but like as a place for them

to land and you're like, no, I want this one. Can you ask me that a different way? Yeah. What is it about your kids trusting you enough with their inner world that you don't feel, you don't like that role as much as you would like to just be able to throw water balloons at them? I think it's going back to constantly having conversations

with them of, you can tell me anything. I may be upset, but I'm never gonna be angry. Okay. And you're telling them. But you would rather them say, hey, mom, let's do couch fight. No, not all the time. I do like the role, but occasionally,

I realize that that's where dad maybe shines. Like, I'll come home and there's boxes all over the living room and they've made a tunnel. And I'm just like, and I'm like, that's awesome. But then I feel like, oh, I wish I could have thought of that. And that's kind of where I struggled. Where's that voice? Where's that voice come from?

I would a hundred percent say it comes from my childhood of not having a present parental figure who wanted to play with me. It was always like, Hey, you need to go on your own and figure things out or go find friends. And so for me, I feel like I'm lacking in that area. Okay. So, I'm not, hear me say this in like same team, okay?

But this is one of those things like I heard a comedian say like, he was just making fun of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise. Like it sounds so easy, but it's like a trillion dollar industry, right? Right. It's this, the solution here is actually incredibly simple, but it only is gonna work if you give yourself a ton of grace because it's gonna feel awkward.

Okay, simple as this, that angst, that kind of feeling frozen like I feel like I'm wanting something fun but I don't even know what to do. And then all of a sudden your husband comes in and everybody's wearing oven mitts and they're slapping each other with them. You're like, oh, I would have never thought of that, right? And everyone's laughing, having fun.

And you're like, oh, check it. It is you literally plotting it out. Wednesday afternoon, I'm gonna have a bucket of water balloons. And when my kids, I'm gonna say, hey, can y'all come outside real quick? I'm gonna have a bucket behind the door for them. And I'm just gonna be on the other side of the yard.

And I'm just gonna start letting them have it. And it's gonna feel awkward. I'm gonna feel like this isn't gonna work. I'm gonna feel weird. I don't wanna get wet, like whatever the thing. And then here's the magic, go try it anyway. Right. I'm gonna go buy five sticks of butter.

And me and my kids are gonna have a butter carving contest and whoever wins gets a bag of KitKat. Something absurd, right? Just ridiculous. But I am gonna just be ridiculous. We're gonna have a mayonnaise carving contest. And like whatever the weird thing is, it kind of like this, like whenever you have two kids, like the old marriage adage is like, you can have sex on the calendar or you can not have it.

But the days of like y'all just winking at each other and it's like nine o'clock and you're having a beer and like, let's just like, that's over. Like you're, you got two kids running around, like everything's tired, but you still want to be together, right? So we're gonna put on the calendar. Same here, you're practicing your way into this.

And it's a matter of just giving yourself permission. And here's what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping you begin not teach your mind because your mind knows we have to teach your body that's still running on seven year old you technology. That it was wasn't okay to be silly. Parents, dads aren't supposed to be silly with their kids. Moms aren't silly with their kids. Moms aren't a part of the fun stuff, right? I want your body to begin to feel how fun it is and how hilarious it is. There's gonna be some days you get tired and your kids, y'all gonna be making jokes and you're just gonna start crying. That's okay. Or one of your kids, y'all are going to be whapping each other with,

I don't know, paper towel rolls or something and someone's going to get hurt and then you're instantly going to be nine again. You're not supposed to do that. That's okay. We're just practicing our way into being silly. Yeah. And on the other side, can I throw a counterweight to this whole conversation? Sure. My wife has reminded me over the 23 years of being married, I get to be silly and wild and crazy because the mental load she carries all of the time.

I didn't think about it like that. And sometimes your body may not be letting you just cut loose because it is carrying every doctor and dentist appointment and can't wear this color on this day at school, but this other kid's got to do this at school. And don't forget next week is this. There's a parent conference and braces just fell out and the dog needs to get, and then dad comes home from work and he's had, his mental load is much less. And so it's really been helpful in my house to sit down

and say, okay, let me take some of the mental load from you. And that actually like literally frees up space for creativity and excitement and fun. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Your husband can be amazing and have no idea what you're carrying. Why?

Do you know who my dentist is? I don't. I have no idea. I forget every time, every time. And like, I can't tell you the number of times I've had to pay the extra 70 bucks for new x-rays because I went to the wrong new place. It would never have occurred to me to know

like when my dentist is open and when they're not like, I don't know, I just, you know what I mean? And so on the other side you may have your dentist, kid's dentist, like this dentist doesn't work on Mondays, but this one does and this one's recommending braces but I need to talk about this one with this one cavity and he has no idea. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed. recommending braces, but I need to talk about this one with this one cavity. And he has no idea that doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed. No, I think you're right. Because I've placed myself in that role with being a type a personality

where I have to be in control and I have to see all of, like you said, the finances and, and the doctor's appointments and dentist appointments. That sometimes I forget that he can also carry that weight. Yes. And you know what it would, yeah, it would be honoring to him and that means you have to go all the way back to that nine-year-old girl and Take a knee in front of her And let her know hey Controlling every stray variable kept you safe as a kid It did.

And I'm sorry you had to do that. But now you got a ride or die partner. We made it. We made it. I married really well. We got a gang now. Yeah. And that thing that kept me safe as a kid

is making me have less joy as an adult. And I'm not gonna do that. I'm not sacrificing joy with these two knuckleheaded kids. The time I have with them is too short. And then let's be real intentional about practicing being silly, right? Practicing those, all right, when they get home, we're gonna throw SpaghettiOs on each other in the backyard.

I don't know what you're gonna do, but just decide we're gonna be silly. Hey kids, we got some, I don't know, some old something and we're gonna cause some problems with it or get a couple of ZEPCO reels and say we're going Fish and you know to fish mom. Nope You know, we're gonna figure it out and whoever wins gets to pick where we eat on the way home or whatever is going on But we're gonna schedule silly Until our bodies feel oh my gosh, this is so fun. And it's the same way I have to schedule intentionality. I have to schedule paying attention and I always feel how good

it feels when I get something done by the deadline. It just feels amazing. Allison, you are awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, we come back. We're going to talk to a man who is pretty worried about the path this family is taking. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional wellbeing,

there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and anytime can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent,

I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music or scripture readings, Halo helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers.

So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at Hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to Hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W. hallo.com slash deloney for three months for free. Please, please, please, please, please hit that subscribe button or that like button or send this episode to somebody that you know is going to benefit from it. It really makes a difference in the lives of your friends and your family and your neighbors. And it

puts it into the digital ecosystem that gets the show in front of more people. And then it just takes a small group of us that are decided like we're going to change the way we parent, we're going to change our marriages, we're going to change our emotional mental health. It just takes a small group and there's a contagion effect man and it just becomes the way communities operate and it's amazing. And so thank you so much for just taking a second to do something small like hit the subscribe button or hit the like button or whatever you got to do.

Thank you so, so much. Let's go to St. Louis and talk to Dewayne. What's up Dewayne? What's up Dr. John? What do you got man? How are we doing? I'm doing good, been better, but I'm doing good right now. Awesome.

So thanks for the call man. What's up? how can I help? Absolutely, thanks for taking my call. I just feel like the vision that my wife and I had for our life has been completely lost. I just wanna know how we can start over, because it seems like every time we start over, it gets derailed, and how can we get out

of the downward cycle of just seems like we're waiting for the next thing to happen when we start our lives over again. Usually this happens when people have that kind of exciting, the first few times, especially it's kind of exciting, like let's rebuild something new. We get to decide what's happening in our lives, but we have to live in this town,

or I have to keep this job, or I have to, we will go to Christmas at my parents' house. So some of these big pillars, we don't actually swipe the whole thing away. We swipe away chunks of it. So then we enter into this new world, but then the same poles bring us right back to where we were. tell me what if you think of feelings like

like a dashboard in a car what are you feeling that lets you know like what's happening inside you inside your wife you all together that lets you know your your this vision you have for your family's off the rails. Me, mostly short tempered, angry a lot. Okay. Her, she feels with the, the, the family that I have on, on my side, she feels just very disconnected, unseen, unheard, not satisfied with how she's parenting the children. It feels like she's a failure all the time. It feels like she's not doing the right things and partially, you know, that would be the question. I travel, so I'm

gone 10 months out of the year. Whoa. Okay. And they travel with me about 75% of the time, maybe more depending on where I'm at. We have an RV that they stay with us, so homeschooled. So there's a lot of moving parts. She's had a lot of trials in the past. We, moved her dad onto the property. He wanted to commit suicide on our property. We've had various, my child, the oldest child was diagnosed with autism. We moved to Colorado to get ABA therapy, stayed there for three years, moved back. You know, there's just a, while she was out there, house sitting, you know, the child

that she was house sitting for got ran over by a truck. Um, you know, it was, it just seems like a lot of tragedy that seems to just reset us and we have these hopes, but a lot of it is just, you know, me being angry at the internet and gaming and the things that I can't parent while I'm away. And when I come home, I try to invest in the kids and their gaming. And whenever I want to suggest something, I drag a wheelie's Jeep out of my grandpa's basement, you know, Hey, let's go work on such and such and go take it around in the go-karts, you know, whatever, just to get them away from the computer. It's just, I just feel very deflated every time that I make a eight hour trip home, you know, on

the weekend and I come back to work, I just, I just feel like I just can't figure out how to map our life out to get out of what I consider a bad rut. Yeah. Man, good for you, dude. Thanks for seeing this with clear eyes and those eight hour trips. Yeah, those can be- I listened to you for those eight hour trips. God help you, man. There's a lot of good podcasts out there, brother.

You may want to check some out. What do you do for a living, man? I'm a welder. Okay. And do you do site work, I'm assuming? Yes. Okay. Specialty welding or are you doing new builds?

Specialty. Okay. So, that's a you doing new builds? Specialty. Okay. So, that's a trap, man, because you make good money, don't you? Yes, very. And we're about $30,000 from paying the house off and having all of our bills paid off. And then my goal was to slide back and work two jobs a year instead of six. But then that cuts out on retirement and investing in insurance hours and things like that.

So it feels just like I can't do one of the other. Here's the trade you're making. Go ahead. Yeah. Do I live a life where I'm dead in my own skin for some future finish line? Or do I step back and truly, truly sweep the deck clean with my wife and say, what kind of life do we want to live? How does we want this home to feel

when both of us walk into it? And dude, you have a mortgage with 30 grand left on it. That puts you better than 95% of America. Right. Yeah, we're paying it off this year. So there you go. Your wife's life sounds like one, and I hear this more and more and more and more.

It's one of those things that you dream of it. I want to travel together. I want to get some land. I want to live on an RV. I'm in a homeschool. And the rigors of that life are exceedingly lonely and disorienting and frustrating. And then you get heartbroken

that you're frustrated at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even want to be at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even wanna be around your own kids. And you see them, and then I'm not worth having friends. And so when I do go home, like it just starts in a big loop. Yeah, yeah. And you're alone.

And 10 months out of the year, I'm saying this with all due respect, like you're a good provider for those kids, but you pop back in every random weekend and you are expecting them to help you feel a certain way about the choice you've made to be gone 10 months out of the year and they can't carry that. I can't do it. It's impossible. And you drive back with that. That's that hollow feeling you're talking about when you're driving back. Yeah. Because you didn't feel like you thought I was gonna feel.

Or you're watching your kids become something or become people that you didn't never think they were going to become, but you're not there to like, you get what I'm saying? So, so, so let's get obnoxiously practical. How much money do you have in retirement? I can retire at 55, fairly comfortable. So as far as retirement. Yeah. Okay. How old are you now? 47. So I guess what I would ask you is like,

you've heard that all saying like, nothing changes if nothing changes. So I think it's gonna come down to you and your wife asking each other like what's going to change. So how would how would I do that if I would change something like obviously, you know, they travel with me at the majority of the time this year has been a majority they they travel with me 100% of the time.

I said 75% of that 10 months, but depending on medical bills or medical appointments and such. So how, with my son being, you know, lots of medical bills and my wife, lots of therapy and consistency needed to be around the house, you know, and lots of medical bills with her also. How do I make a decent living at the same time feel like I'm providing health care and, you know, all the things without my family having to, you know, do without in this decision that her and I would make? Obviously, her and I would make it together so we would have to be okay with it. Yeah, well, I think I wanna ask a few, I'm not gonna ask you these, but I want you to ask a few,

what I would call recursive questions. Some of these things feed on themselves. So would her therapy bills and would her post-traumatic stress, which she 100% has, not clinically, but you know what I mean? I'm not gonna do a diagnosis on the show, but she's gonna have all kinds of struggles with dad and that little kid, all that kind of stuff.

How much of that collapses when she's got a home with roots and a group of women she hangs out with and a small little church group and a group of people that she walks around the neighborhood with and a steady counselor. See, I tried doing that a year and a few years ago. But you got to be a part of it too. No, I did.

I quit my job so I could stay home for a year and start a business and I did. It was a kind of turnkey business and we wound up, she didn't enjoy being around the family. She was stir crazy at the house. She didn't like any of the churches that we tried. We had several churches that we went to. I feel like I've tried it once and if I try it again, what's going to be different? Fair point. That's a good call up, man. And so, um, so again, I'm going to ask that recursive question. You, you answered it. It does not going to do nothing, dude.

In fact, it might make it worse. She likes being on the road. She likes being out and about. Um, my guess is, and without ever talking to her, she's got some profound grief she's got to work through. Right. And some of that grief is often carried with parents and dude, I've been working with young people with autism for my whole career. The shame and guilt parents carry this quote unquote,

I gave this to them. Sure. Yeah. And man, some parents just get buried by that and some parents really work hard to dig into that because that story is just not true. And you come out on the other side of it. And some of that challenge is, this isn't the picture I had. I wanted two healthy boys and this is, I got a kid with special needs and it's hard and it's frustrating and things go slower. And some of it's just about getting

with the right grief therapist to sit there and work through like, how do we slowly live into reality? This is my life. This is my life. And that's, dude, that's so hard. But she's gonna, she has to wanna do that kind of healing. Yeah. I think she does.

And you know, this is the first time that she's really sat down and been consistent with, hey, I'm staying home. I gotta take care of this. I gotta get better. So she is trying and I'm just trying to keep up with the funding. So how much does she make a year?

175, 200. Okay. What you just explained to me, ABA is very, very expensive. Yeah. Very expensive. Especially if it's not covered by insurance, which it often isn't.

Trauma and grief therapy would be 225 bucks an hour, depending on where you are, it can be very expensive. Right. You have a house that's almost paid off. I guess, I guess. Yeah. Here's what I'm asking. Could you construct a world, not where you go start a business and you end up underwater and, because that might not be your thing, business owner is very different

than incredible world-class welder and that's okay. Is there a world where you have collapsed your expenses to basically zero and you're going to have an ego hit and you're going to have a, I really don't have to worry about money very often, hit. But dude, I can make a hundred grand as a welder in this local community. I'm the best there is. And that pays our bills. We have no mortgage. We're here in this house. We're not going to be rich, but we're going to pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing? we're here in this house, we're not going to be rich, but we're going to pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing?

That's what we found out, you know, the year, year and a half that I had taken off is that we do no investing, we do no moving forward on finances, we just pay the bills and it was maddening for both of us. So here's the challenge. In some ways, your feelings, like this makes her feel crazy, This makes us both feel crazy. Your feelings have trapped y'all. Right.

And you're going to have to choose because here's the deal. You got to, it's the old cliche, but you're going to choose your heart. I'm going to choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year to see my boys. I talked to one dad, I'll never forget this. I talked to one dad of a kid with autism who's nonverbal. And I just asked him point blank, like, dude, what's it going to be, what's it like to know

my son will never be able to say the words I love you, dad? It was a really heavy interact conversation. It was so honoring how he answered it was, he's like, it's the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world, the whole wide world. And I wouldn't wish that on him, that he's frozen, that he can't tell his dad, I love you. Right?

And so you're gonna have to know, I'm gonna go home with that experience. And I've also increasingly over the last five to 10 years heard about how the advancements in video games has entranced a generation of young boys with autism. Like it is, I cannot not look at that, right? It's capturing them and that's tough. And so I'm gonna choose that.

I'm gonna choose to be frustrated about how we're not investing as much as we would like to. We're only gonna have $2 million in retirement instead of 10. Or I'm gonna be frustrated about, hey, I investing as much as we would like to. We're only gonna have $2 million at retirement instead of 10. Or I'm gonna be frustrated about, hey, I feel a little stir crazy in the house. We're gonna have to go camping every other weekend, but we're gonna do it as a family.

That's gonna be okay. At some point, you're gonna have to choose to be uncomfortable. Yeah. I'm gonna choose to say, remember the good old days when I made 200 grand and now I only make 100 grand? The good old days, right? But at some point,

y'all are gonna have to make a choice. Otherwise make peace with this is just our life. And you're doing what almost every man I know does, including myself, which is when I feel powerless in my own house, I do the one thing I can do to love my family and I'm gonna go work really hard, make some extra money. Right, yeah, that's the only thing I know.

That's it, that's it. What I can do. That's it. I can count on. That's it. And so I guess what I can do. That's it. I can count on. That's it. And so I guess what I'm inviting you into is a period of sitting with your wife and exhaling and saying, I don't know what the next right move is. And that will feel terrifying for Dwayne.

Yeah. Saying, I make good money at my work and I don't know, I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on you. Or here's all, here's our five paths we could take. All of them that aren't going to feel good. So, okay, we know they're all not going to feel good. Let's move that off to the side. What's the best thing for us? Hope that helped me in. If your wife wants to call in, great. If you both want to call in, I'd love to have you both on. That'd be cool and if we can get through some of it and hang on the line, I'm going to send you a

copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life and I'm going to also send you a link to the audiobook so you can listen to it on your drive. And there's the six daily choices wheel. It's just the wheel for doing life, man. And I wonder if you use that as a roadmap for you and your wife to begin. Let's take all the money off table, let's take all the, let's begin to backfill these six daily choices for a non-anxious life. Let's go through these things and begin to map it out. And then if the same job is still on the table, cool. If the same town is on the table, cool.

If living our land is still on table, cool. But maybe it's not. And we're gonna be okay with that because we're gonna ask ourselves, how do we want our life to feel? What do we want our life to look like? And then we're gonna reverse engineer from there. Thank you, my brother.

It's been an absolute honor to talk to you. Hang on the line, we'll get you hooked up. I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years. and that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, in front of little bitty screens that we carry around with us, medium-sized screens, giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it.

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And listen up, if your skin looks tired, I want you to check out Bon Charge's Red Light Mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin, super easy. No creams or appointments, it's lightweight and it's cordless and it can change everything. Go to bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15%. Alright, we're back. Hey, something happened last night and I just want to tell you guys about it.

And this is just my little, I don't know if this is a new segment called, just a thing happened at John's house. And that could probably be a creepy thing or kind of a Kelly's like, Ooh, not that Kelly. I just want to paint this picture for you I'm back in meeting with a with this amazing therapist I meet with in Nashville and It's been extraordinary and I needed to take some time off and coming back is just been it's been really amazing and my wife and I for the last seven especially, but really especially the last two years,

three years have really been over the top intentional. By me going to Get Well, I've allowed my daughter's tiny little third grade body to be safe in my presence. She's taking guitar lessons and coming home with a new Taylor Swift song every week and whatever. She's got an amazing teacher at her little third grade and like I'm watching my daughter come back alive and My son is 14. He's just like cuddly dude. I hope I'm like him when I grow up he's just an amazing kid and he's all 14 and all knucklehead and all silly and all smart and kind and

Thoughts on the world are both really amazing and absurd, all that stuff. And last night, I sat by my daughter on the couch under a giant cozy girl's blanket and we watched Bluey and I had a handful of jelly beans that I'd grabbed and I just reached over and put my hand like over the top and she opened her hand. I dropped a few in there and she ate the jelly beans and I ate the jelly beans. And then I tried to put one of the jelly beans in her ear, just being silly.

And she poked me back and then turned into couch fight part 19. And we were dying laughing and my wife was like, we gotta go to bed. And I was like, hold on. And then I'd do one more like pillow slam and she would jump on me. She'd be like, all right, good night dad. And she would jump on me. Then she said, good night, dad. She told all the dogs, good night individually. And then my son came down and we have this awesome thing. We watched Matlock a couple of times a week, like the new Matlock. It's with Gathy Bathe. It's so great, but it's fun and silly. And last night it wasn't on and we watched the country music thing like I told you all earlier

And then we went to bed and I was reading a book in bed and my wife was fading out and going to sleep and I got up and walked around her side of the bed and just leaned over and kissed her on cheek and said I Love our life And I'm really happy about our life it's not always gonna be perfect said, I love our life. And I'm really happy about our life. It's not always gonna be perfect, but I love our life right now in this little moment. And she quietly whispered as she fell asleep, I did too.

And what I tell you that story, not because things are perfect or great in my house, they're for sure not. And it's taken a long time to get here. And we're just one phone call away from everything changing, right? I know that. But I think a lot of us are running and gunning and doing a lot of work in the emails you'll

send and the messages you send and the people I talked to all over the country. I did an event for Duke University yesterday. I'll be on the, I just got off the phone. I'll be in Phoenix in a few weeks. My Dave and I are going on tour. I meet you guys all over the country and everybody's working so hard. And I just think it's important to pause every once in a while and say, I like my life.

Things are okay. They're not perfect, but things are good today. And maybe they're not gonna be tomorrow. And yes, there's hurt and pain all over the world. Right now, I like my life right now. And it's good for us to exhale. It's good for us to point out the places where we got to grow. But sometimes it's good just to drop your shoulders and say, today was a good day.

There's a good one. And this one encourage you guys, the work is worth it. You're worth the work. Your kids are worth the work. And that magic night when you can just be walking into your room, you reading a book and you're like wait a minute today's a good day and Not forever, but right now I like my life. Thank you guys for walking with us. Love you guys. Bye