The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Was Fired for Sexual Harassment

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

In today’s show, we talk with a woman unsure of how to move forward in her marriage after her husband’s recurring infidelity, a man so overwhelmed and burned out that he’s breaking down at work, and a woman whose new husband won’t move in with her. Lyrics of the Day: "Faithfully" - Journey Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Okay, so I got married in November. This is my second marriage. Okay. Congrats. We don't live together. Why don't y'all live together? Because the housing market is still high here.

We're just kind of sitting and waiting. I guess y'all get together for weekend hookups or whatever, but this isn't a marriage. You know what I mean? I want to know what love is. What's up, everybody? This is Dr. John Deloney's show. We talk about your mental health, your relationships,

your school, your education, whatever's going on in your life. I don't care. We're here to walk alongside you, and it's a mess out there. And this is a place where we're going to hang out and be rational and we're going to be calm and we're going to try to solve problems by sitting next to each other and figuring it out not yelling at one another and being like

you know what, this is not what we do we're going to walk alongside you, it's the greatest mental health podcast of all time ever and YouTube show, it's the best show ever my mom tells me that actually she doesn't even tell me that she's big into Outlander and stuff mental health podcast of all time ever. And YouTube shows, it's the best show ever. My mom tells me that. Actually, she doesn't even tell me that. She's big into like Outlander and stuff.

But if you want to be on this show, call, give us a shout, 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I'll point back out, dude, we are growing out there. We're up to seven out in the lobby now, which is officially doubles

the entire listenership of the show, which is awesome. It's good to see all seven listeners just y'all are like, we're just going to go in person. We're not even going to do this via the headphones. That's awesome.

So we'll try this again. This is the second run through here for the intro because I screwed up the phones last time. So I'm going to try again to go to Missoula and talk to Erica. Hey Erica, what's up? Hi Dr. Delaney. How are you?

I'm doing alright. How are you? Good. Sorry I hung up on you a minute ago. We're still friends, right? Of course. Yes. I've got a very low number so I need to preserve all I got. So what's up? I need to preserve all I got. So what's up? I need to know some other perspective about whether or not I should forgive my husband for basically cheating on me again. Well, tell me about it. He had an affair about 10 years ago, and we were able to reconcile.

It took about a year, and we also had my third child. And I told him if he ever cheated on me again, I would leave him for good. And recently, he got fired for sexual harassment at his job. Um, and what happened? He told me that he was being fired, that he was being written up for sexual harassment because he made a stupid joke to somebody that's actually our friend and she got very angry and so she um she reported him and this whole time they weren't nobody was telling me anything about it and it lasted about a week um and so the day that he was fired, he had texted a girl half his age and talking about things inappropriately, like wearing her thighs as earmuffs.

And that's what I considered cheating. I missed what you said. He talked about, he was texting this girl about inappropriate things like wearing her thighs as earmuffs. Oh, okay. Gotcha, gotcha. Like just sexually explicit stuff. Okay.

All right. I didn't hear what you said. Okay. Sorry. So wearing her thighs as earmuffs. I've literally never heard that one before. So he gets in trouble at work. wearing her thighs as earmuffs. I've literally never heard that one before. So he

gets in trouble at work. He's running his mouth being stupid. And you know as well as I do, it's rare that somebody, even though with all the backlash we have these days, it's rare that somebody fires you when it's done. So some sort of something was going on there. And then as a part

of this, you found out the other thing was going on there And then as a part of this you found out The other thing was going on So what's your big picture question? Can I ever trust him again? What do you think? You've been living with him for a decade or more, right? How long have y'all been married? We've been together for 24 years

We've been together for 24 years we've been married for 19 you tell me I don't feel like I can trust him I feel like I try to believe in people and that they can change

and be better so I feel like if he was to change, change and grow up, I feel like that would be, I would be able to trust him then. But that's, it's, those are,

you're making, those are mutually, those are not mutually exclusive. He can grow up and he can change. And that doesn't mean you have to be married to him. He can grow up and he can change. And that doesn't mean you have to be married to him. He can grow up and he can change. And he did a couple of times nuke your marriage. You can choose to stay and be a part of that healing process.

Right? You see what I'm saying? There's a bunch of options. And anytime we back ourselves into a corner and say it's either this or this, we're always going to make a less than good decision because we feel forced into a choice. And so you've got a bunch of different options here. Going back to your original question, ultimately forgiveness is for you. And in the psychological literature, there's some arguments that go back and forth and in the clinical therapy space, people argue back and forth.

I'm of the opinion, and again, you can get online and find different opinions from brilliant people, right? I'm of the opinion that there is little to no healing without forgiveness because forgiveness is for you.

It's not for him. Forgiveness is you holding this brick that he placed in your hands, a brick of infidelity, a brick of lack of trust, a brick of dishonesty. And forgiveness is you setting that down and saying, I'm not carrying your stuff anymore. I'm letting this go.

Now, we're going to have to deal with the consequences of this. I can't trust you. I don't wanna be with you anymore. There's a gap of 10 years between this behavior. I have to believe there was other things that went on, right? Whether it was all electronic or in person, who knows? But it's that gnawing, I don't know what comes next, right? That keeps you up at night. And you got a quarter of a century with this person. Y'all have made humans together, right? So keeps you up at night. And you got a quarter of a century with this person. Y'all have made humans together, right? So there's something to not just throw away lightly.

So I'll circle back to you. And this is the scary question that I'm pretty sure you have an answer to. What do you want to do? I honestly don't know. I feel like if I work on this healing with him and stay with him, then I'll be disrespecting myself. Here's what I think, honestly, and I've had this conversation with so many people over the years. I think you know. I think the consequences of your choice are scary. Is that fair?

Yeah. Yeah, I don't want my children to have to go through a divorce. I was, I had my parents divorced and they made it horrible for us. Yeah. And I don't want to do that to my children. Right.

And again, you've put yourself in an either or. There are divorces where the adults in the room act like adults. And there is separations that say, hey, this has to happen because of so-and-so's behavior. But we're going to treat each other with dignity and respect on behalf of these young kids, right? So it's not either you have to stay miserable and disrespected in a hostile home life or the kids have to go through a messy divorce. It's not an either or again, okay? It feels like you've made your choice, but the idea of separating, moving, getting your

own place, dividing the estate, all of the stuff downstream is a lot of stuff. It's hard. That doesn't mean it's wrong. That means it's hard. Right. Is there an interim space? Have y'all spent some time apart? Well, since he was fired from his job, he had to go work. I told him to go work in another state and go work in another state. Dude, I've heard of the dog house before. Oh, okay. He was working in another state? Dude, I've heard of the dog house.

Oh, okay. He was working in another state before, and then COVID happened, and he was home for that. And it wasn't as much money, but we were struggling. But I told him that seemed to be the only option for him to be able to live. So he's gone for three plus weeks. Okay. Yeah, I was going to say, I've heard of somebody like, you got to go sleep on the couch. I haven't heard somebody be like, you got to go sleep in Missouri or something.

I haven't heard that. That's a new one, right? You got to go to Michigan. Here's what I think needs to happen. Two things. Number one, you've probably heard me say this on the show. I'll say it again because I think it's worth repeating. When somebody cheats on you, there's the obvious betrayal and there's the obvious disorientation. Like everything we thought we were standing on the sidewalk that we walk on now is busted up. Right? So that happens. But the, I think the, as if using the sidewalk metaphor, you can fix that sidewalk. You can go

get a contractor who will walk alongside you and y'all can dig all that concrete up and it stinks and it's hot and all that, but you can get it done. You can clean that up. But I think the silent killer in infidelity is that you, Erica, no longer trust Erica. Because in your head, you think, dude, I've been down this road. I should have seen this coming. How in the world? Oh, my gosh. How did I miss this? I'm crazy. And if he's good at what he does, he'll say, oh, it was a one-time thing.

I was just drinking or I was this thing, and you're making a big deal about it. And you start to feel that you're crazy, and you start to feel that you can't trust you. And that's when you call a guy, just a rando dude on a podcast, and you're like, hey, I don't even know how to feel. You see what I'm saying? And so one of the important parts of healing from infidelity, and this is you get fired from a job that you didn't see coming, right? Or a leader demotes you or gives you a pay cut that you don't see coming, right? These are any type of relational interactions that are out of the blue and that fracture the relationship. Is you've got to sit down and heal.

I've got to learn to retrust myself. And just because this happened doesn't mean I'm not trustworthy. I'm going to always look in the mirror and say, did I contribute anything in this relationship? Am I going to always look in the mirror and say, did I contribute anything in this relationship? Am I going to participate? And I know that's not PC to say, did I participate in this? What role did I play here? And then I'm going to be honest with a counselor, with a group of close friends walking through, I am trustworthy.

And here's what I think the next right step is. And so one, I think you need to go talk to a counselor by yourself and say, this is what happened. Because my guess is over the last two decades together, in between the two instances of infidelity, there's been some significant distance between the two of you. Is that fair? Yes. I mean, I believe in the whole seasons, but every time we've ever had any issues or I felt like we were in danger, we've gone and seen counselors. And if that didn't work, I was trying to work on myself. Okay. So you've put the time and the effort in and you're looking at this as though you failed. You screwed something up.

And I need you to hear me say you didn't fail. Okay? Right. Do you believe me? Yes. Okay. I need you to internalize that you didn't fail and if this ends up in divorce you have options so that it doesn't turn into a mess that you experienced as a kid is it going to hurt your children 100 absolutely is it going to be a mess yes it's gonna be hard yes all those things are true. But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing.

And choosing to go get back up on the horse again and go through the healing process again. And then what is this going to look like? That's not necessarily the wrong choice either. I'm afraid that if I do that, that he'll do it again. I mean, I think all the evidence suggests that's the case. Right.

But I'm not going to sit here on the phone after talking to you for five minutes and say, you got to get out of this relationship. I think it's a mess. I definitely think it's a mess. Tell me about your friend that you said your husband told a dirty joke to somebody or dirty jokes to somebody who happened to be a friend who told on him and ultimately led to his departure. Are you all still talking? Apparently, she wants, she says that she just needed a safe space to work. And I feel like she could, it's, I feel like she could have come in outside of work and told me what was going on,

and we could have handled it that way versus causing a financial hardship on our family in addition to the issues. So hear me say this. I think she did the right thing. And the person who caused the financial hardship issues in your home is your husband, not her. Now, I would expect my friend to come tell me, right? So I get that. Like the schoolyard code. I get that totally.

But it's your husband that put another woman in an uncomfortable position at work. And based on what you've told me, I don't trust that there was one dirty joke that was told that ultimately led to him getting fired. My guess is there's a pattern of behavior there. Right. Right. And so her repeatedly having to go to work and be uncomfortable next to her best friend's cheating husband, who also is making sexual jokes which often sexual jokes are fishing expeditions because if she laughs

or she winks or she tells a funny sexual joke back, now we have this connection and now, right, see what I'm saying? So it can go down a road. And her saying, I feel uncomfortable or if she'd ever Anyway, all I have to say is you're gonna have to have, this is the second thing,

you got to have some adult conversations. You got to sit down with him and say, what's the future? I need six months by myself to be separated, or I've lost trust in you. At this point, I don't feel comfortable being married to you, or I'm willing to try this thing again. Y'all need to get in a room'm willing to try this thing again. Like y'all need to get in a room and go to breakfast somewhere and have some hard conversations directly across the table. Okay. Just saying you go away, it's not going to help. And having these conversations at home in the context of being at home is going to be hard because it's that, that your home is charged and the kids are right there in the next room. So get out of the house. Y'all go sit somewhere and tell them,

we're going to have a hard adult conversation. And tell them, I don't know that I can be married to you anymore, but also I remember what happened to me. And so if we go down this road of divorce, we're going to have to be adults on behalf of these kids. And is that pie in the sky thinking on my part? It might be.

I just have this belief that adults can be adults even when it's hard. And I know that there's millions of people that act like children all the time. It's annoying. But all the way back to your original question, forgiveness is for you. And so maybe this breakfast that y'all go to, this lunch or dinner y'all go to, you start that by write that down. Put it on a brick. Put a piece of tape on a brick and write down cheating. Or you cheated and put that on the table and hand it to them and say, I'm not carrying this anymore.

I forgive you. Now, here's how I feel and here's some of the consequences of what happened. And we're going to move forward that way. Forgiveness doesn't mean passivity. Forgiveness doesn't mean passivity. Forgiveness doesn't mean consequences. Forgiveness doesn't mean I forget everything. Forgiveness just means I'm not carrying this and that's for you, not for him.

Don't carry that around, but do go see somebody. You guys have healing work to do and you need some help sifting through the jungle of your feelings and thoughts right now because it's a lot. And the last thing I'll tell you, I'll remind you, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the

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So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, cool kids. We are, what is that? Cool kids and kitten. Who is that? Was that? Cool cats and kittens. Was that? Carol Baskin. Carol Baskin, yeah. Carol Baskin. Dude, talk about that coming out of nowhere. Man, old Carol B. We need to get her on the show. No, we don't. We do not. All right, let's go to Patrick in Cleveland. What's up, Patrick? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Balling dude. 20s blades on the Impala. What are you doing? That's good. Uh, I've been better, but I'm glad to talk to you.

That was a good, that was a good diss. You're like, ah, that was good. Thanks, man. I deserve that. All right. So what's up? So I am just at a point, like a breaking point in my life where I feel like I am just so overwhelmed. I don't even know who I am anymore. Like I'm just ready to explode. I just, I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore and I just can't take it anymore. So I need some insight. Yeah, man. Well, thanks for calling.

Unpack that a little bit for me. Well, it's definitely a lot, a lot to it. I'm definitely a mixed bag with a lot of, it's definitely a lot, a lot to it. I'm definitely a mixed bag with a lot of years of, of trauma and a lot going on, but to get condensed at all, I'd say the last decade of my life, I mean, I'm 30 now and the last decade of my life, I've just had to constantly be on. And why I just, well, I'm a chronic people pleaser and I, and I take on way more than I can handle. Okay.

It's because I'm so driven and motivated to get where I want in life. Hold on, hold on. Before we get going, I want us to begin to change our language as you tell the story. Is that cool? Sure. So instead of saying I've had to be on for the last decade, I want you to change the language to I've chosen to be on for the last decade. Yeah.

We're going to start taking ownership of this. Okay. And that's the to be on for the last decade. Yeah. We're going to start taking ownership of this. Okay. And that's the first, that's the first line. Like that's the starting line to getting well. Okay.

Cool. For sure. So you've chosen to please everybody and to take on a whole bunch of stuff and to be driven and ambitious.

What are you running from? Like what, did somebody tell you that you weren't going to make it when you were a kid or you come from a pretty rough situation? Like you're, you're running from something. What is it? I definitely am running. I've been sprinting, but no, you're exactly, you're exactly right. I came from a really rough childhood. My, uh, I'm the youngest of five boys, uh, divorced family, alcoholics. My mom died when I was 22 on my birthday. Oh, man.

I was molested as a kid numerous times. Yeah. Just a lot. A broken, broken family. I had to constantly be a therapist to my own mom. She overtook my bedroom. I had to sleep in my dad's room. She slept with a knife.

It was just a lot. Yeah. And what do you do for a living now? Well, I'm a musician. I play in three different bands and I am in a sales job and it's finally like a big boy job. You know, I've always taken jobs in my 20s where I was like, OK, I didn't really care if I didn't work there anymore. But being 30, I figured it's time to take on a career because I wasn't sure where my music was going. And I was getting to this point where I was getting really discouraged. And now that I've taken on this career, it's, it's becoming harder to balance my music. Um, cause this is a lot more

demanding of a job and it's, it's, you know, forced me to travel for work and, and it's, it's really affecting my, my job. I'm almost feeling like I'm going to lose my job because I'm so stressed. Right. Um, what is the, um, what is the, what does the music give you? Well, the music is my true passion. And I've always told people like, it's almost a curse to find your true passion because when you can't guarantee it's going to happen or anything's going to come of it, it's like, you can't just go to college and get your degree and just be like, okay, I've made it. It's like all a gamble.

Yeah, let me back up. So here's the thing about passion. We're passionate about what we're good at. And we're good at what we practice. And most of us practice what we're made to practice when we're younger. Or that we develop the discipline and skill to practice when we're older.

And my guess is you've been playing music a long time and I grew up playing in bands. I still play in bands. I love it. It makes me so joyful. There's nothing funner than playing with a group of people, especially in front of a big audience that enjoys what you're doing. That's something you like doing, but you're getting something from that, not just fulfilling your passion because you like doing, but you're getting something from that, not just fulfilling your passion. Because you like connecting with people, is my guess, or you like making other people feel at ease. And that's the same thing that kept you alive as a kid.

And now that same defense mechanism has become the way you operate in the world. And it's exhausting because your body is still in fight or flight. See what I'm saying? You can get passionate about sales as you practice it and get better at it and better at it. And especially if you're selling something you believe in and you sit down across a table from somebody or a corporation and you say, I can make y'all's lives better with this product. Dude, that connection, you'll get good at that and you'll become passionate about it. I've never been on the radio ever until two and a half years ago.

And now I'm super passionate about it. I love it. But I've been practicing like crazy and I do it all day, every day and early in the morning. And you know what I mean? So you'll get passionate about other things. They're getting something from music.

And it's either a connection that you finally feel like you belong with a group of men and women that you play with or in front of an audience or you're talented. I don't know what the thing is you're getting. But here's the thing. That thing that you're getting is also killing you. And at some point, you're going to have to pick one band and let the other ones go. You're going to have to say, I do this on the side. This is a thing that I love to do,

but I'm going to work really hard to become really good at sales so that I can eat. You see what I'm saying? Or blow it all and say, forget it. I'm going to ride or die on this thing. I mean, if you want to be a great musician, go be a great musician and just know that most musicians don't make it, and that's fine. You don't have to be rich and wealthy to have a good life,

but you got to just make that decision. And this is the big thing. Exhale. And so let me tell you this. I don't think you're addicted to people pleasing. I think you're trying to survive. And pleasing people when you were young kept you from maybe not getting molested this time or maybe not getting your head kicked in by one of your older brothers.

People pleasing as a kid, you were told, kept mom from killing herself. That's not an addiction to people pleasing. That is an addiction to surviving. Okay? Yeah. And that same thing that kept you alive as a kid is now wearing you out. Right?

And so, for whatever it's worth, man, I'm just some stranger on the internets, but I'm giving you permission to stop. Your life's worth more than this.

Right? Yeah. And what you don't have is you don't have a picture of what peace looks like, do you? Not at all. Yeah. So you're running as fast as you can, solving, accomplishing, playing, being good at these things so that people will look at you and go, that guy's got it together. I'm going to tell you, you're going to end up a salesman who's really good. I think every kid should either do theater and or music,

every single child in the world. Because if you can master a stage, you can do anything. If you can be good in front of people, whether it's six people or 106 people or a thousand people, you can do anything. You're going to be a great salesman because you know how to connect with an audience.

And you're going to get a million dollars and you're going to pay off your house and you're going to have a new Tesla and you're going to be married and you're going to find yourself asking your kid to move're going to have a new Tesla, and you're going to be married. And you're going to find yourself asking your kid to move out of his room so you can go sleep in his bed. Because those things won't heal you. You know what I mean?

Yeah. They're cool mile markers on a sprint, but they are not going to heal you. And dude, I want to pay my house off, and I want a nice Tesla, and I want my, you know what I mean? I want those things, but I know that those things aren't going to solve me. Right. And the question I have for you is, do you want to stop? I don't want to stop pursuing my dreams of music. I've not given up the fact that I could maybe make it really, really far. And I've already achieved a good level of success. And I think that's where I struggle is I don't, I can't come to grips with the idea of possibly never making it, whatever that means. Because you've put making it, exactly. That's a great point, by the way, making it like what, who've that, that bar moves every time you get to wherever you think you're going to go. Right. Every time you sell a theater, they're

like, well, what about this place? And every time you sell at the club, then it's like, well, are you going to move to sell at this place? And so that line moves. But you think that you are going to feel a certain way when you get to a place. And I'm telling you right now, that place does not exist. You are spot on. Is that fair? It is because I've achieved a lot of these different things.

And every time I get them, I go, okay, what's next? A friend of mine tells a great story. He was a guitar player for a famous songwriter, and he was walking onto Carnegie Hall. He was waiting in the wings, and he had his phone. He was putting his phone away, and he got a ding, and he checked his cell phone balance. I mean, his bank balance on his cell phone, and it was negative.

It was in the red. Let him know there'd just been an overdraft. And he put it in his pocket as he walked out to play in Carnegie Hall in New York. And it was like, I made it and I'm broke. You know what I mean? Like there is no... Or you get off stage and you're like, that was awesome.

And then you get back on the same stupid bus and go to the next town. You know what I mean? You know that. Yeah. And you'll make an incredible sale and you'll feel so good and you'll go to dinner and it'll feel good and you wake up the next morning and you'll feel so good and you'll go to dinner and you'll wake up the next morning and you gotta go to the gym again and then you gotta be nice to your wife and your kids again

and then you gotta start making new cold calls the whole thing just starts over again and for some people that fries them out for me I've learned to love that about life I love it because my value isn't found there and nobody may have ever told you this but I need you to hear me say Patrick I love that about life. I love it. Because my value isn't found there.

And nobody may have ever told you this, but I need you to hear me say, Patrick, you are worth laying down in bed at night and just going to sleep. And you're worth loving somebody and not worrying about if they're going to molest you or take something from you. Yeah. And you're worth loving somebody all in

and not worrying about if they're going to take their life and die by suicide. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? And I know you don't believe me. I know you don't believe me, and you're fair not to believe me. Your body's like, okay, that's cute, brother,

but you haven't lived what I've lived, and you're right. I share more of your story than you know, but what I'll tell you is this. There is healing on the other side of this if you want it. But here's what that looks like, okay? And this is hard. You're going to have to decide to identify the things that kept you alive as a kid that are now hurting you as an adult. Obsession with people pleasing, trying to do too many things, saying yes to everything, letting one thing that was really important to you, dialing it back a bit so that you can be successful in

something else. Those things, you got to identify them and choose to intentionally set them down. And it's going to feel like taking off articles of clothing in a public intersection. You're going to feel completely exposed. And that's where the healing begins. Yeah. It's almost like if I am less active on social media and engaging with my fans, I feel like I'm backtracking, you know? Yes, yes. And I'm trying to stop that.

Listen, Patrick, it's a lie. It's a lie. All burnout is, it's a real thing. It is a physiological thing. It's not just I'm tired. It's you're experiencing it. It's when real thing. It is a physiological thing. It's not just I'm tired. It's you're experiencing it. It's when your body says, we have been fighting and fleeing for too long.

We're out. I'm out. I've tried to get your attention with anxiety. I've tried to get your attention with depression. I've tried to get your attention with chaos. I've tried, I've tried. I'm out. I'm just done.

Okay. So your body just says, you i'm going home i'm taking my ball and i'm going home And so here's what you've got to promise me Number one, you'll reach out and decide for the first time in your life. I'm gonna get healing I'm gonna go call a professional and that's what you need. You gotta have counseling. I had to have it People I love have to have it. You're there. Okay, You need to go talk to a professional and say, I'm worth this. You also have to pick one of these three bands and say, I'm going to sit this one out. I've got too much on my plate. Are you willing to do that? 100%.

Which band? That's the struggle is which band I choose because both of them are very, well, all of them are popular and demanding and it's just hard to pick. And then they're going to find somebody else that plays guitar or bass or drums and then they're going to go on about their day. And you are too. And you're going to feel that twinge of,

oh, I wish I was there, but then we're going to move on. You know what I mean? And here's the thing. If that band goes on and becomes Pearl Jam, you know what you are? Alive. Yeah. Because you won't be on you are? Alive. Yeah.

Because you won't be on the trajectory you're on. Yeah. Okay. So a couple of real quick things, okay? And then I'll let you go. Okay. Do I have your commitment to getting well? Like I want this to be different.

Yes, absolutely. Okay. So you're going to call a professional counselor. You're going to make that call today. I've actually already been trying to see one and she's understanding me. She's not giving me a lot of skills sets yet, but understanding. On to the next thing. Find somebody that you connect with.

And if you don't connect in that first session, say, thank you so, so much. I'm grateful for you. You're going to make another appointment. No, thank you. I appreciate your time. Right. Okay. But I want you to go in and say, I've got some very serious childhood traumas. I've got some very serious pathologies that I deal with, sexual abuse, physical abuse, all sorts of stuff. And I'm ready to heal. I want you to use that type of language. I want you to take that type of ownership. Okay.

The second thing is, is you have to get a group of men in your life that you can do life with and just hang out. That could be your band, but often band becomes a performance and it'd be literally, and it becomes a, uh, status thing.

You need a group of guys you can prop your feet up with and say, I'm not doing okay today. And they're not going to go, well, what about the band, bro? You don't need that. You need a friend that's a banker and like one that mows lawns. You know what I mean? Right. It does different things. Um, are you married now? I'm not. Okay. Are you interested in that? Are you just ready to chill? Well, I'm, I've been with a girl now for four years and that was another thing that's a side that I would like to get your interest or excuse me, your intellect from, but I know our time is limited, but she's pressuring me to get married and I'm just not in the position where I'm ready mentally. That's cool. I mean, four years is a long time. That's

fair for her and that's fair for you, right? It is. Let's set up another call for that one. So we'll go down that rabbit hole at another one. Here's the third thing I want you to commit to. Will you commit to making exercise and sleep and eating a little bit better a priority? And that I currently do. So I'm there. Good. But you start in that order.

Sleep first. Everything comes after sleep. If I have to skip a workout i'm gonna skip a workout so i can get sleep i'm gonna miss the i still haven't seen the new top gun movie i haven't seen several movies that are out because sleep is still the priority i haven't had the time okay yeah i'm gonna make those priorities i'm gonna miss this gig because of sleep or i had this gig so i'm gonna have to sleep anyway you know what i mean make those things a priority so that your body has a chance to do the healing that it needs to do.

Cool? Absolutely. So let me tell you this. On the other side of this, fast forward two and a half years, and you're engaged. And if not tied up, okay? I said that in a real negative way. You're married and not tied up. Your life is good.

The choices you make right now to decide to be well, there is light at the end of this tunnel if you want to make that journey. And it's going to suck. It will not be fun. And it will be worth every single step. Because on the back end, you're going to be able

to laugh. You're not going to have to put your back into a corner. Every time you walk into a restaurant, put your back up against the wall so you can see the whole restaurant. You're going to be able to laugh. You're not going to have to put your back into a corner. Like every time you walk into a restaurant, put your back up against the wall so you can see the whole restaurant. You're going to be able to not get raged out angry when somebody cuts you off. You're going to be able to lay your head down and just fall asleep in the arms of somebody that you love and not worry about what's going to happen. There's this peace, brother. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense.

Do you want that? I want it more than anything. Okay. I'm tired. I got you. All right. So we're going to make that call today and find another therapist. And hang on the line here.

I'm going to give you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's my treat to you. Read it. Give it to your girlfriend. Y'all read it together and begin this journey moving forward. I'm really proud of you for just saying enough's enough's enough. I got to do something different. I've been there.

Millions of people have been there. And the first step is one of bravery. So good for you, brother. Good for you. You can do it. You can do it. And I'll walk with you every step of the way. Give me a shout back.

Let's talk about this girlfriend of yours too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Unamas. Let's go to Jill in Cedar City, Utah. What's up, Jill? Hi, Dr. John. I'm so honored to be speaking with you. I am more honored to be talking to you. What's up? I'm a little nervous. I appreciate that last call. I too sing in a band, so I can relate to a lot of that. Thank you. You got it. Thank you so much. So what's up? My question is, how do I show up for my kids and my husband through this transition phase that we're in and not get so exhausted.

So I guess you want a little backstory. I can just start throwing answers at you. They'll probably be incredible. But yes, some more context would be helpful. Okay, so I got married in November. This is my second marriage. Okay, congrats. We don't live together. Thank you.

We live 30 minutes apart. So half the time I'm home raising my kids doing all that stuff why don't y'all live together um because the housing market is still high here we're just kind of sitting and waiting um well and it's also because i have five kids and their whole lives are right here and they have to go to school here. And he's got a ranch where he's at. We're just not sure how to meet in the middle. But there really is nothing coming up for us. So, you've put yourself in a pretty tough position to be successful, right?

Yeah, I'm working three jobs at home to try and make ends meet where I'm at. And I do enjoy, I do enjoy those things. Is your husband not, like at some point he has to decide, y'all have to decide. Are we going to move these five kids to the ranch? And we're going to do this life thing together? Or he's going to get somebody to take care of his ranch and he's going to move into your place? Y'all's place? Or y'all are going to sell both things and move to Texas?

I don't know. I don't care what y'all are doing. But you got married and then y'all just kept living each other's independent lives. I guess y'all get together for weekend hookups or whatever. But like this isn't a marriage. You know what I mean? No. Yeah, it doesn't feel like a marriage.

No. Well, I mean, it just set out of the gate without being a marriage. Y'all went and got a certificate and had a ceremony. But like y'all aren't married. Like his money is your money and your money is his money and his kids are your kids. I mean, y'all are in this thing together. Right. Yes. That's how it feels. It is. So what's the, what's the holdup?

Um, I did offer to move there and travel with my kids back and forth, but he wanted to keep one of his bedrooms for his children, for his son to come home when he wanted to come home. And the house was really small. I'm in a rental. He owns his place. Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill.

I'm assuming that no one's told you what I'm about to tell you. And you know, if you've listened to this show more than once that I will never lie to you. Okay. But this isn't going to work. You don't marry somebody and let them rent a house in another city so that you can have an extra spare room for your kids whenever they show up. What a mess. Yeah, the other thing that's making this really hard is he has anxiety and depression. I'm trying to show up for him.

I could care less about that right now. That isn't the other problem. You all have created a completely disconnected existence from one another and you're calling each other husband and wife. You are no more married than me and I was going to say me and Kelly, but me and Kelly are more married than y'all two are. Right? She's like within 10 feet of me. I see her every single day for hours on end. God help us all. And I'm just kidding. But's, but you know, see what I'm saying? Just your language.

He doesn't want me in his house. It's y'all's house. Did you sign the prenup that, that you don't, that the ranch, you have nothing to do with the ranch?

I'm not on, no, and I'm not on any of his financial things. I know, but any of his financial things. I know, but you're his wife. If he died today, you're the wife. It goes to you.

Yeah, it goes to his ex-wife, his life insurance. What? That was in his divorce. Until his last child support payment, his life insurance goes to his ex-wife. And I think the state would take his home and land and stuff at this point. So I don't, we've talked about it several times. He hasn't really given me an answer. Okay. Okay. Listen, I am very, I'm real big on – somebody called earlier in this show and asked me – their husband had cheated on them a couple of times and asked me – and my answer to them was, what do you think?

So here's what I'm telling you. I'm not telling you what do you think. I'm telling you you deserve more than this. Y'all deserve more than this. And y'all are playing married in a tragic way. Your kids are getting a picture of this is what marriage looks like. This is how a man takes care of his wife. She works three jobs and rents a house in another city because I want to keep an empty bedroom. I mean, it's nonsense. The whole thing is insane, right? And I don't know what this dude's trying to pull off, but I have a real, real direct heart. Like, what happens if he dies?

I guess you go on renting a house and working three jobs, right? You're living a life. You are living the life that I tell people to get life insurance to avoid, right? You're living a life. You are living the life that I tell people to get life insurance to avoid. You know what I mean? How long have y'all been married? November? Yeah. So here's, if I'm you, I'm only going to tell you if I'm you, I would say, hey, we need to talk. And I'll even drive out to your ranch. And by the way, I'd start changing that language real quick to our ranch.

Ours. To our rental home. To our kids. This you and my stuff, your marriage will never, it will never work because it's our stuff and my stuff and your stuff.

This is ours. We're in this thing together. Fine, he's got a life insurance policy for his ex-wife through some decree. Fine. He's going to have to get one on you. Also.

I'm going to start that process myself. No, no, no. He's got to participate. Not participate. He's got to lead the effort to love his new wife enough to take care of her if he dies. So that's a small price to pay. You'll have to have a three-month plan to unify your families. And at some point you may have to look at him and say, is this ranch more important in your marriage to me? Because if it is, I need to know. Because then I got to make other plans. If you're keeping this ranch up,

and it might be, I mean, it might be an incredible ranch. I'm all about ranches. I'm from Texas. I love me a good ranch. I would love to have one one day. It will never be more important than my wife. I'm never going to, I can't even wrap my head around my wife living 45 minutes away

with five kids renting a house. I mean, it just sounds preposterous. You know what I'm saying? And here's what happens. This stuff happens step by step, quietly and quietly, and you start to think this is normal. And so hear me say, Jill, you're not crazy. This is nuts. Do you feel isolated out on an island by yourself? Yeah. Yeah, I feel. You should because you are.

And here's what I hate. I hate that this might end up in a really messy situation. I do. I hate you having to sit down and a really messy situation. I do. I hate you having to sit down and say, do you love this ranch more than me? Because I can't do marriage or just going to be married and just live in other towns indefinitely while your kids do whatever and my five kids. Like, that's just not how it's going to work, man. You got to have a plan to come together. And he might say no.

Okay, so be ready for the... But y'all need to get in a room and you need to write down really quick what you need. You need life insurance. You need to live with your husband. You need to have your husband involved in your five kids' lives. You'll need to come up with a plan for working with exes. Y'all need to dig all that, go through all of that stuff and not just hook up on weekends

is that fair is that fair yeah that's fair i feel like i'm getting on to you but i'm not trying to get on to you i'm just trying to i'm trying to like just shake the snow globe a little bit and let you see how bonkers this is. Yeah, it feels bonkers. Okay, because it is. So if nothing else, you called Yahoo with a podcast and a YouTube show to tell you that yes, you are correct.

This is bonkers. This is bonkers. Now, as a part of healing, your husband may have to deal with his anxiety and his depression. 100%. That's done with connection, not hiding on a ranch. He may have to deal with his anxiety and his depression. 100%. That's done with connection, not hiding on a ranch. He may have to deal with his anxiety and depression.

That's something he's got to decide as a person living in the world, I want to heal from this. This is not something that you can just quote unquote manage or have to quote unquote deal with. That's not how he's going to heal. Okay? He's got to decide, I want to be a part of this. And then you can be a part of his healing plan,

but it's going to have to be something he decides he wants to heal from. So when he's around my kids, he's very impatient. I don't want to put him down because he plays with them and he's super sweet, but he gets really impatient really quickly and very critical. Yes. Yes. His kids were kind of taken from him and don't have much to do with them.

And so I think it triggers him to be around my kids. So here's the deal. I'm not letting anybody who is going to be triggered around my children around my children. And I realized this puts you in a strange pickle because you decided to marry this guy. But I'm not putting somebody around my children. And I realized this puts you in a strange pickle because you decided to marry this guy. But I'm not putting somebody around my kids. It's not safe to be around my kids, even if it's my new husband. And so we're going to have a conversation,

you and him, about here's what it looks like when you're with our kids. You're patient and you're kind and you're gentle and you're fun. And we will slowly lean into accountability as we blend these families together. But I'll take the chief, the lion's share of the discipline as we transition this thing and slowly move it as the kids come to trust you and love you. And that only comes through presence and connectivity. Day in, day out, relationship, relationship, relationship.

It's not this random dude who shows up every week to hook up with their mom and then goes back to his ranch. Man, what a mess. My heart's broken for you, Jill. I'm sorry. There's only hard conversations ahead. My hope is that you sit down and say,

you have a list of your needs written out. I got to be safe. I've got to be with you. I've got to live in the same house as you with these five kids. I've got to have these things. This is what a marriage is, ours. I've got to be on the deed to the house that we're going to share together in case you die so I have a place to live so they don't ship it all off to your ex-wife. I'm your new wife. I'm first. I'm first. I'm first. I'm first.

Because I'm your wife. And we're going to start there. And my hope is he goes, oh, thank God. Will you walk with me as we untangle all this? Yes, I will. I'm all in. That's why I married you.

But you got to know this conversation is going to be a risk. Because you might say, I'm not doing all that. It's too much of a mess. Let's come back in a year and whatever. And I would tell him, well, I'm not going to tell you that. I'll tell you, I wouldn't wait a year. That's what I'm telling you. Because I married you a year ago. I'm so sorry, Jill. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can

make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, those are heavy. Listen, you are worth more than the life you're living. Seek joy, seek laughter Seek connection with people And do not settle for less than being loved So to wrap up today's show, man

Andrew, back there on the YouTubes Came up with this song, man From the one and only Journey And it's not Don't stop Not that one It only Journey, and it's not, don't stop, not that one, it's Faithfully,

and it goes like this. Highway run into the midnight sun and the wheels go round and round. Now Kelly's dancing back there. You're on my mind. Restless heart, sleep alone tonight, sending all my love along the wire. They say that the road

ain't no place to start a family. Right down the line, it's been you and me. And loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be. Oh, girl, you stand by me. I'm forever yours, faithfully. I love it. We'll see you soon.

Coming up on the next episode. Hey. Hey. I haven't got a good hey in a long time. Hey. So what's up? My daughter, I feel like she basically good hey in a long time. Hey. So what's up? My daughter, I feel like she basically has the life that I want. Oh.

All right, so. Can I just stop you? That's literally my favorite, when somebody's like, all right. So I always know it's going to be good. I found out later on that she, in fact, had a sexually transmitted disease. You know, at that point, I had it as well. I just don't know what to do. I mean, it's been seven years. I haven't had any relationships since then.

I think I'm broken. I don't really love my newest child. You're not broken.