The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Won’t Get a Job

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman unsure of how to emotionally support her unemployed husband - A man struggling with insecurity about his career - Why your diet affects your mood Lyrics of the Day: "9 To 5" - Dolly Parton To purchase Dr. Uma Naidoo's book click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I support my husband while he grieves losing his job and navigating constant rejection while finding a new one, but still holding him accountable to getting a job and not making excuses for all the reasons why he can't do certain things. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, a show where we talk about your mental health, your emotional health, your family, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. When things get hard, when things get scary,

when things get frustrating, or you just get enraged, my promise is I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what to do next. I've been doing this for more than two decades, sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what are we going to do next. And if you want to be on the show, we can talk about your marriage, talk about your spouse. We can talk about you, talk about your family. We can talk about whatever you got going on, your mental health diagnostics, whatever you got. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And this show comes out a couple of days after Christmas, which means we are right up against New Year's,

my favorite time of the year. My favorite time of the year. I love New Year's because we all get to say, ah, this didn't work last year, or we should probably work on this a little bit more and make some resolutions. I know resolutions fail a lot. I know, I know, but I love them.

I love them. I love reflection. I love sitting in the woods and trying to figure out, huh. I love sitting with my wife as we do our annual planning retreat and say, how did last year go? Did we meet our financial goals? What's the state of our marriage? We've never been parents of an eighth grader before. We've never been parents of a whatever before. We've never had a parent in the hospital. We've never had whatever's going on. And we get to plan, at least with our limited limited foresight what's going to come next year. I love New Year's. And that's why we created Questions for Humans, the New Year's edition. If you order them

today, they may be there by New Year's. It may be too late. It may be too late, but, and it may be sold out by the time we get here. Usually they sell out, but let's give it a shot. Kelly, let's run through a couple of New Year's questions. All right. By the way, this is my favorite deck. I think. The New Year's ones? The New Year's. Yeah, they're my favorite. The questions are just fantastic. Yeah. It's my favorite. All right. What's one person you want to spend more time with next year and why? So you don't have to say me. That's fine. I get it. Dude, you just got to know the joke I had that just came right to my mind that I didn't say.

I'm so proud of you. Whenever you put in your weekly reports, like I work with such an immature moron. I want you to know I'm getting more mature. I'm practicing. Golly. I want to spend more time with my wife. I just love hanging out with her. I want to spend more intentional time with friends.

I really didn't do that well this year. It was pretty rough. I got some great guys that could live in my neighborhood. Like I just, I just sucked at it this year. I was on the road. I was traveling. So this year, not one person, but a group of guys, a group, a gang, I need a gang. What about you? I'm my husband. We're going through some, well, as you know, because you and I have talked, we're going through some stuff right now. And we are working on, as we talk about, blowing it up and rebuilding it. Ew. And part of that is, you know, with our daughter and the special needs, with a lot of stress in our house. And we don't spend any time...

I mean, we don't go out. We don't go on vacations alone because we don't have that option right now. And we, so we need to be more intentional about it. So that's my goal is not just more time in the house doing things, but more time of he and I. That's awesome. Yeah. And then for those of you listening, so when you ask, answer a question like that, like, I want to have more time with my friends. I want to spend more time with my husband.

Then the challenge becomes, okay, I'm going to clear my calendar. I'm going to take my arm and wipe it across the calendar and say, this comes first then. How do I make this a possibility? And nothing else gives, right? Otherwise, life just gets in the way. So that's very cool. All right, what's another one? All right. What are two words that you would use to sum up this year? And please don't say dumpster fire. Oh, man. Truly remarkable is how I would describe this year. Like the truly remarkable profession,

like the show continues, it's doubled in size. It's just every month, I feel like we get the reports back and it's bigger than, it's just growing at a rate that's so, I can't wrap my head around it. I had another number one Wall Street Journal bestselling book.

And we had a good year financially, Sheila and I. So, I mean, like just really remarkable. But then more importantly, marriage is hard. And then it got amazing. And then it was harder again. And then it got amazing. And I've never been a parent of an eighth grader. I've read about it.

And I've worked with eighth graders. I never had one in my house. And so it's just been, and same with the second grade. It's just been really remarkable, truly remarkable. Mine would be opposite ends, if I'm putting two words there. I thought you were going to say really sucky. No, no, because I really actually originally was going to say very hard. But there's been, especially work-wise, because you talked about the show,

it's been like the best year ever work-wise. It's wild. I mean, we've had huge growth of the show. And so that's been fantastic. But we've also walked through probably the hardest things we've ever done with losing parents, losing the house, and some issues we're dealing with. It's been an incredibly, incredibly hard year.

But also, as they all are, there's good and there's bad. Yeah. Very cool, man. Go to johndeloney.com, pick up Questions for Humans. And I'm telling you, if you do this with just one person,

it's amazing. And if you do it with four or five people and you get to say some of these things out loud and experience other people saying them, and you don't just wait for your turn to speak like they talk about in Fight Club, but you actually listen and go, wow, I didn't think about that.

They are transformative for your nervous system, for your body, for your relationships, for everything. Go pick them up. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Anne. Hey, Anne, what's up? Can you hear me? Hi, Dr. John. I can hear you. What's up? Not too much. How are you? Good, good, good, good. What's up in your world? Okay. So my question is, how do I support my husband while he grieves losing his job and

navigating constant rejection while finding a new one, but still holding him accountable to getting a job and not making excuses for all the reasons why he can't do certain things. Ooh, that one's tough. Let's start at the back end of the question and work the other way. For you to say the words, I need to hold him accountable. Tell me about that. I think I know where you're going, but I want to hear you say it. Well, it just seems like he's trying to find work. I know he's trying, but he's maybe not trying

as hard as I think he could, or maybe in the ways I think he should be. Um, and it's always kind of like, well, you know, I, I'm not going to apply for that one because, well, the hours are not great or it doesn't work or the pay isn't enough. And, you know, it's always just kind of something where I had one, it was like, well, they want me to do this project and I'm not going to do this project before I have a job. You know, it's kind of like excuses and then it narrows his, his, his, you know, applications and, and some kind of like, well, you know, what you're doing isn't working. So let's try something else. But I also know he's, he's really struggling, right? It's, it's hard. It's been hard for him and

the more rejection, right? The harder it is. So been hard for him and the more rejection, right, the harder it is. So I'm kind of trying to navigate, you know, pushing him, but understanding that it's hard. Oh man. I've got some probably controversial thoughts on this topic, but I'm just going to speak directly. I don't have a lot of literature on this. I'm going to speak directly from my guts. Okay. First off, while you're talking, it reminded me of, uh, there's that scene in dumb and dumber when it's like, there's no jobs out there. And I think it's Lloyd Christmas goes, yeah, unless you want to work 40 hours a week. All right. So, um, you have kids by the way. Yes, we have two kids in daycare.

So we both work full time. So the kids are in daycare. So is he, is he have some sort of just bandaid job right now? Or is he just sitting at home applying? Just sitting at home applying. He's tried to sign up for like Instacart and Uber and all of that. And they're all, all the wait lists are full. Um, he did do like one cat sitting,

right? Okay. So here, okay. I wish he was on the phone. He's not. So you're going to feel some of the smoke from me and it's not aimed at you. Okay.

It's aimed at men in America. How about that? I remember as a young kid, I was at a church that was, I'd say somewhat of an affluent church before affluent churches were a thing in my neighborhood growing up. It was just a neighborhood church, but it was pretty big and people did pretty well. And I remember there was a man who got fired from his executive job. And he asked for a meeting with the elders of the church on Sunday afternoon. And by Monday, they had fired their custodial staff. And this former executive was cleaning

the toilets at the church and emptying wastebaskets. And I remember a couple of years later, I got out of college and I was a high teacher, and we had this, I was driving through town. And as I was pulling in to sign my HR paperwork, I was going to be a teacher now, a high school teacher. I actually saw him driving out, and I saw a sign in the yard, and it was like an open day, basically it was like a job fair. Mm-hmm. like a open day, basically it was like a job fair. And I remember thinking, this is what masculinity looks like. This man will do anything to pay the light bill and the water bill and put food on his table. And it was the most, like, I'm so glad I got to see that both up close,

like just my dad worked at the church after he quit being a police officer. And I saw, I'd be up there just messing around in his office. And I'd see this guy walking through in jeans and a dress shirt, cleaning toilets, emptying trash. And I know he was applying like crazy, but the job market was a mess, especially for executives and his thing he did. And then he went and got a job as a teacher. Right? executives and his thing he did and then he went and got a job as a teacher right he went and got a job and i was driving in rural tennessee the other day taking my daughter to breakfast and i saw a sign the mcdonald's was 20 an hour 20 bucks an hour. Almost every store down the way had jobs open. And now, since applications, I'll even give people a pass in old days that you had to wait, right?

You had to try to catch somebody during the day. Now, I can work two full-time fast food jobs and making $20 an hour and maybe not where you live, so maybe $15 an hour, although I bet it's more in Tampa. You can work and then all night after the kids are in bed, you can apply for jobs, apply for jobs,

apply for jobs. And I'm going to say something that's unpopular because I talk about grief all the time. He doesn't have time for that in this moment. I remember one of my close friends, her husband was just a deadbeat packed up and left her pregnant with child number three And I remember asking her how are you doing this and she said I don't know but I don't have that option to not Right We will figure this out. I have two children staring at me saying

mommy I'm hungry and I have a third one about to be born so there was a season a time for grief it wasn't when that that deadbeat packed up and took off because those babies had to eat so I think right now the conversation has to shift from

you get a season of mourning and let's be sad about the loss of a job. Dude, the data is clear. A job loss, especially for somebody who has identified a career as an identity, like I'm a dentist, I am an attorney, I'm a executive, whatever, is similar to losing a loved one. It's really, it's hard on your body. It's hard on your mind. It's hard on your identity. It's hard on everything. And then you got to go get a freaking job

because our family needs money, right? And so I have zero, zero compassion in this moment. None, zero. You go find work. And I know that's easy for me to say. That's really difficult for you, isn't it? Because you're in the house with him, right? Right.

And you have to navigate the mood swings and the, oh my gosh, and this is just not going to be a good fit for us. Right. And by the way, you're getting up and going to work every gosh, and this is just not going to be a good fit for us. Right. And by the way, you're getting up and going to work every day, right? Right. And this is when the resentment starts to slowly creep in.

Right. And then intimacy becomes hard because respect is hard and competency is hard. Like all of it just works together, right? Right. Yep. So what have you tried so far that has not worked or did some big thing

happen? And that's why you called. Is this just this dripping ongoing? It's just been ongoing. Yeah. It's just been how long? And I told him it has been seven months. And I told him at the time, he got severance, right? So he had a

couple months and we, we, you know, we're debt free. We have our, we have a ton of money in savings, so we're fine. But I told him, I said, there's going to come a point where you get any job or the kids are going to stay home. And you're, you're now full-time dad, right? Because of the cost of daycare. Absolutely. Um, and he, he says he understands and all that. And I know he's, you know, he's trying, he's at that point where he's trying to get those like gig jobs. Right. But, but it's the, it's just kind of, I feel like excuses, right. Or on a wait list, 1 million percent, One million percent. Right.

Throw the gig jobs out the window. You know why he wants a gig job? Because he can hide. Right. Go put on a visor and serve Burger King. Yeah. It's a noble job. You're helping people eat.

And more than that, it's a noble job because you're showing your kids what it looks like to get hit in the mouth and get back up. Right. And so if I'm you, I would have a conversation. It'd be a hard one, but again, not at home, but sitting down and saying, okay, this is going to be a hard conversation and you're going to want to duck out. I need you to stay with me. Will you stay with me?

And he'll say, yes. I love you. I want to be married to you. Here's where we are. Seven months have gone by. What you're doing is not working. I need the man I married to have a job at the local McDonald's, at Walmart, shipping boxes at night. I don't care what it is.

But I need you to get up every day with a purpose. Or transition fully, if y'all can afford it, to you are every day with a purpose or transition fully. If y'all can afford it to you are now a stay at home dad. We stopped daycare January one. And that's it. Because you have shown over the last seven months that you're really not interested in getting a job. He's probably waiting for somebody to call him and say, Hey,

I got a six figure mat. It's not going to, that call's not coming. Call's not coming. And here's the weird thing. I don't know how it works or why it works, but he's, if he is a six figure kind of guy, he'll start working at McDonald's and he'll own three of them in the next 18 months. I don't know how that works. They just do. He'll start working at Home Depot and become a senior manager just because he shows up and doesn't quit on people. Right. And that's why part of the reason I get so frustrated is because he's so smart and he could do anything. It's just getting him to do it. Yeah. So when Dr. Henry Cloud talks about parents and their kids, he talks about what often people need in this situation is they need some problems. Like a kid, if this was your 25-year-old kid,

they would need to move out or they would need to start paying rent. And so I think there has to be some level of, hey, honey, you're making this choice. And so on behalf of the family, we're going to start making these, I'm going to start making these choices. I got to protect these kids from thinking this is what being a dad looks like. I've got to protect me because I want to be married to you. And I just am losing respect in you because you lay on the couch all day. Is that fair?

Are you, are you there? I'm there. Because I'm there for you Because I'm there for you. I'm there for you. I just have such a clear picture of a man that wouldn't clean toilets in my church building. And dude, I'll respect him till the end of time. Right. And I'm with you. You know, I've lost a job before, right?

And I went back out and got another one immediately, right? And I know the job market's different and all that. It's just, and I listened to you took a call on the Ramsey show a couple of days ago and you called the guy out and it was like, you're just making excuses. And I was like, oh man, that's my husband. Like, well, I can't do this.

And I can't, you know, and I was just like, that's what it is. That's all it is. Have you told him, honey, I don't respect you anymore? I haven't. No. Okay.

I think that we may be at a place where honesty is important. So I love you, but I've watched you become a shell of who you were because you've lost purpose. And if your purpose isn't professional, then my God,

let your purpose be me. Let your purpose be our kids. Let your purpose be you. But now it's become just a way of life. It's become a wallow. And let's be honest, why would he get up? Right? You aren't starving. You still sleep with him occasionally. He doesn't have to mess with his kids at all. He gets to play Fortnite with kids on the other side of the world in the middle of the night. I don't know what he's doing. What does he do all day? He's supposedly sitting at his computer applying for jobs.

I mean, he does chores. He's picked up a lot of the laundry. He does chores. You know what's so scary about the way you said that? And I knew this was coming. You are transitioning to his mother. Right. Because he is a child.

He's a child. And everybody out there, let me just say, if you have a six-figure job and you've got this big identity and you get fired, they lay you off. Of course, you take a couple of weeks to recalibrate. Of course. What just happened? I'm calling my contacts. I'm going to have cups of coffee with people. And then go do a thing. Go do a thing. Go get a job. Are you going to be a

career server? No, but go get a job. Begin to give yourself something that you have to wake up for. You have to shower for. You have to greet other people. And that will help clear the cobwebs. That helps rattle you like through your bones. Get up and go get them, man. And for those of you stuck with somebody who is becoming a deadbeat or who is one or who is always scheming, well, I got a plan. I don't want to work at that place because they make me work late sometimes. I don't want to work over there because they have

the hard conversation and tell the truth. It's hard for me to be attracted to somebody that won't work. I've lost respect in you for seven months, for one year, for five years. You've sat here and waited for a phone call for the quote unquote perfect job. You sit at your computer all day and I drive by sign after sign after sign saying help wanted, help wanted, help wanted. Go get a job and apply at your computer after the kids are in bed, after I'm in bed.

Then spend your time dreaming in front of the computer. Go get a job. If you lose a job that's powerful and important to you, yes, there's going to be a season of grief. Yes, no question about it. I'm not callous. I'm not an idiot. I've grieved jobs that I've left.

But you got to go to work. You got to go to work. I'm so sorry. And thanks for the call. Let me know how that conversation goes. That's a nuclear option telling your husband you don't respect him. I think that's where we are. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes

and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed

therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash DELONI to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash DELONI. All right, let's go out to Michigan and talk to Michael. What's up, Michael? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call and for your time. Of course, man.

Thanks for calling in. What's up, man? How can I help? So how do I deal with my insecurities about my wife making three times the amount of money I do and also having a clear career vision when I don't? What are you insecure about? I guess it's more so like I just feel like a leech. It's your wife.

Like I'm just sitting here thinking I would do it. I would love it if my wife made three times what I make. That'd be incredible. So I, I, I'm, I'm struggling with that. It tells me there's something beneath the money question. You feel like a leech. Does she make you feel that way? No, no, not at all.

Um, and we're, we're pretty recently newlyweds. So we're trying to figure that all out and everything, but. So you're bringing, bro, you're bringing some ego into this. Which is funny because I don't think I have an ego because I can't stand myself, but. Well, why can't you stand yourself? Oh, that's for a whole other call. Nope, it's this call. Why can't you stand yourself?

I can't stand how indecisive I am about staying near everything in my life. And I don't know, when I just kind of look at myself, I'm just not happy with what I see. What in the world does your wife find value in? Well, she really loves the fact that I love my family and that I'm family-oriented. Bull crap.

Bull crap on a stick. You know what she loves? What? You. and that I'm family oriented. Bull crap. Bull crap on a stick. You know what she loves? What? You. You. Dude, when she said I do, she told God and you and your families and your friends,

ride or die till death, till one of us dies I'm in and you immediately thought to yourself I'm a burden mm-hmm does your wife make a habit of lying of being dishonest no no okay then why do you think she's lying now? I don't know. Here's the thing. It's all wound up together and here's why. There's always the occasional baseball player who is on deck

and the guy up at bat hits the game-winning hit and everybody goes crazy and the crowd, cheers, and everybody's jumping up and down. And he kind of feels like, oh, I wanted to get the game-winning hit. Right? That guy kind of sucks. You know why?

Because they won. The team won. Yeah, yeah. And you're that guy, huh? Yeah, I am. And it's funny because I preach to people that I've coached all the time not to be. Well, yeah, dude, we preach about, I think I wrote a book about anxiety because that's the one I, that's what I struggle with so bad.

Hey, who told you that you're not worth even being married to? A lot of people. Name them. You know, stupid high school classmates that would call me a school shooter just because I didn't talk much. Okay. Who else? um I guess you know every every girl that I

had relations with that for one reason or another didn't care for me and decided to leave okay who else I mean those are the two big ones that I can think of. They can't be because you're not going to let a bunch of moronic high school kids speak into your marriage.

You're not going to let old girlfriends speak into your marriage. What about mom and dad? They're good. Mom was, mom's interesting, but she loves me. And, um, my dad is, I would say my best friend. Have you ever asked your dad, Hey dad, do you love me? Um, maybe a couple of times when I was younger. I want you to call him and ask him that today. Okay.

And I want you to ask him, hey, dad, are you proud of me? What would he say if you asked that? I think he would say, yes, I'm very proud of you. Okay. So it seems like your dad loves you. God, he's proud of you.

And your wife's all in. So what is this ego, this facade, this big scary painting you painted over the entryway that is your soul? What is that protecting you from? High school kids? Old girlfriends? No. What's it protecting you from?

I don't know. It sounds like it's protecting you from feeling like you're not enough. Yeah. Yeah, I would say that's accurate. I just don't really know how to put that into words. What do you do for a living? I'm currently working in academia. Well, God, that's why you hate your life.

Just kidding. That's what I did forever. Look who's talking. Hey, I got out, homie. I'm a YouTuber now. Yeah, fair enough. What do you do in academia? Are you a professor?

Are you an administrator? What do you do? So I'm like an academic advisor for student athletes. Okay. So you're surrounded by smart people. You're surrounded by tons of, of performers. You're surrounded by unimaginable amounts of ego and you make $32,000 a year. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Right. And everybody asks you on a daily basis year. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Right. And everybody asks you on a daily basis, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Are you going to get your master's? Why haven't you got your master's yet? When are you going to get your PhD?

Why don't you? And you begin to go, I don't even know if I like it here. What are you, what? Yeah. And then this one kid comes in who can jump over your head standing still and do a back flip and dunk a basketball and he won't even go to math class. And you're like, bro!

The god of the universe handed you a Willy Wonka ticket and you won't even cash it in. He's like, I ain't going to class. Right? Right, yeah. Dude, I spent some time with academic advisors, I know. Listen. Yeah. Listen.

They don't get a vote. The high school kids don't get a vote. I'm going to say something crazy. Your old man doesn't get a vote. Your wife does. Yeah. A couple of close personal friends. And I want you to begin to, it's going to sound so cheesy, dude.

Just trust me on this. When you start to feel less than or pissed off or angry or I don't even know what I'm doing. Or when someone's like, you're not getting a master's? And you're like, no, because I have 14 other academic advisors I work with

who all have master's and $48,000 in student loan debt, and they all make $35,000 a year. Well, I'm one of those stupid people. I got a master's and a degree I didn't want. Even better. I have it. Listen, in the last month, how many people have asked you about your PhD? Ten?

Five? Five. Five. Exactly. Listen, that's insanity. Yeah. And I want you to do something for me. Not for me. Forget that.

Do it for you. I want you to make a fist with your hand and just gently rest it on your chest and think out loud. They don't get a vote. They don't get a vote. And then you have to ask yourself the terrifying question of what do I actually want to do? What kind of world do I want to build? What life do me and my wife want to have? What do we want it to feel like when I get home, when she gets home? Hey, honey, how can I best freaking love you today? What do we want to build together? Because here's what you're doing.

You're competing with her. Because competition is the only way you know how to survive. Because you had a pretty lonely run of it growing up, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah. And so all you know how to do to stay afloat is to look to your right and to look to your left

and make sure everybody's heads are bobbing about the same and then you married an amazing woman who loves you and you look over and you're looking like like at her beltline because she's so much

she's out of the water more than you financially but I bet you bring some joy to her life that she doesn't have otherwise. I hope so. I know so. She wouldn't have married you, ding dong. She's too smart. She makes a lot of money.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, you're right. You're right. So what do you want to do? What do you like about academic advising? I do like when I kind of see that light bulb go off in a kid's eye. It's the same way when I was coaching basketball where I finally see, you know, the fruits of the labor of what I'm teaching start to show itself.

Why don't you coach basketball anymore? I had a job last year where I was and it didn't pay quite enough, so I left. Okay. But that's the job that I really do love. What level were you coaching at? I was at

high school varsity and then before that I was at small division three and it just couldn't cover the bills no yeah okay my first job out of college was a high school basketball coach you know that

I did not know that I did that for two years one of my favorite jobs I've ever had yep I love the camaraderie with my fellow coaches I did not know that I did that for two years it's one of my favorite jobs I've ever had yup I love the camaraderie with my fellow coaches I was the youngest guy by 10 or 15 years they treated me like

a son slash brother and I loved them mhm and I love my athletes and my teammates and I love the guys the men

Troy Kite and Mike Gibson and those guys and Coach Perkins who helped raise me right yeah like my first job and then they handed us and Mike Gibson and those guys and Coach Perkins who helped raise me, right? Yeah. Like my first job.

And then they handed us a sheet of paper that says, in 41 years, here's how much money you're going to make. And I said, I'm out. Right? Couldn't do it. Nope. And I went to grad school and got a degree that I did not use. I'm not using now.

Right? But here's the light that never went out. I love sitting with people who are hurting. I love seeing people take that next right step. Yeah. And I've been a high school teacher. I've been a university administrator. I've been a dean of students.

I've been a professor. And now I'm, I don't even know what to call what I do now here's the thing the job has been the same and when I went backwards I worked at Burger King for many years and I loved it when people came in

a little bit dead-eyed a little bit exhausted and I was able to say dude how are you and they would light up just for the human interaction here's what I'm telling you this there's a whole bunch of jobs you can go do

that will light up other people. Yeah. Is that fair? No, yeah, absolutely fair. And if you're a guy who loves coaching, almost every business on planet Earth needs you in their building right now. Almost everybody.

Because people don't know how to work together for a common goal. People don't know how to say, hey, are you okay? People don't know how to understand, hey, if they're not okay nutritionally and they're not okay at their home, they're not going to be okay at work. We need leaders who know how to do Dillard's you could go get a job as a mid manager at a fill in the blank you could take the next three years and this is what I did

working at a university getting tuition reimbursement and got another degree in mental health counseling and the school paid for it you could go do anything man you know why because you're a coach and you love people mental health counseling. And the school paid for it. You could go do anything, man. You know why?

Because you're a coach and you love people. Yeah. But here's what I want you to do with your wife. Okay. I'm going to call her Susie, okay? Okay. Hope that's not her name.

If you're like, dude, how did you know? That'd be awesome. I want you to... How long have you been married? Officially two weeks. How are you unofficially married?

All right, so two weeks. Well, it's a long story. All right, yeah. It's a long story and a short show. So here's the deal. I want you to take her out. Okay. And I want you to, um, preferably for breakfast or for lunch. And here's why. When you take people

out for dinner, the lights get low. People get kind of tired. You have a glass of wine. When you take someone out for breakfast, it's sunny outside and there's just an optimism and a light to the conversation. It can't happen at your house. You have to go somewhere. Okay. And there's just an optimism and a light to the conversation. It can't happen at your house. You have to go somewhere. Okay. And I want you to reach across the table and hold their hands and say, you may not know this, but I've been competing with you for who brings the most into this marriage. And I'm sorry. I've never had a ride or die partner until you, and I'm going to practice being a great partner back, but I don't know how,

and so I'm going to have to practice. I want you to say those words. And she's going to go, oh my gosh, what are you talking about? I'd be like, well, you make way more than me. She's going to say, I promise, I don't care. Is that what she's going to say? Yeah.

And you go, I know, but I do right now. And I know it's silly because I know all the money goes in our same checking account and we're both on the same team. But I want to feel like I'm contributing too. And then I want you all to have a discussion about the home you want to build. Not the house, not the architecture, but we want our house to feel like this. And maybe we want to have kids someday. And that gives us three years for me to go get another degree or get some more training or go get another job outside of the academy, which is just chaos right now or whatever it is. But I want you to invite your wife into probably the first

time in your life. I want you to invite her into, I feel like I'm competing with you. I feel like I'm not enough and let her speak into it and then say, it's hard for me to believe life, I want you to invite her into, I feel like I'm competing with you. I feel like I'm not enough. And let her speak into it. And then say, it's hard for me to believe, but I'm going to practice trusting you. And when you see me feeling less than, will you just grab my hand and hold my hand? When I feel less than, I'm going to be honest with you.

And I'm going to get my butt out there. I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to get my butt out there and start finding a job that actually aligns with who I want to become. By the way, academic advising, amazing. You got to have that job. Kids come in from all over the world.

They don't know up from down or how to navigate the insanely stupid higher ed system. You got to have academic advisors. I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you the Get Clear assessment from my friend, Ken Coleman. It's an assessment you work through that will guide you into jobs that you may not have ever thought about that take into the things that you are wired to do that will give you purpose. And you can make

a whole bunch of money, like a whole bunch of money. I'm grateful for you, brother. Whenever you start to doubt your wife, I want you to ask yourself quietly, has she ever lied to me before? No, she's probably not lying now. It's probably my body trying to keep me safe. For the first time in my life, I'm safe now. And when somebody asks you, what about that PhD?

Man, if you keep working in four years, you're going to be a senior assistant director with the potential track to go to an associate. I want you to put your hand on your chest and just go, man if you keep working in four years you're going to be a senior assistant director and with the potential track to go to an associate I want you to put your hand in your chest and just go they don't get a vote they don't get a vote they don't get a vote and if in five years you're still at the university great good if that's where you want to be awesome I spent almost 20 years I loved it but it may not be for you and that's all right. When anyone asks you the question, what are you worth? The answer is never a number. The answer is, who do I love and who loves me? And you, my brother, are well, well loved. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things,

or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app.

They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is

discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months

when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go tollow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we are back. Hey, for this next segment, I have a pretty cool gift. My friend, Dr. Uma Naidoo, she is, I'm going to read this. She's a nutritional psychiatrist, a Harvard trained psychiatrist that focuses on the impact of food and mental and emotional health. Okay. She founded and directed the first hospital-based nutritional psychiatry service in the US. She's a director of nutritional and lifestyle psychiatry at Gen Mass at Massachusetts General Hospital,

a very famous hospital. And she's also on the faculty at Harvard Medical School. Here's her expertise. Her expertise is the mechanics of how what we eat impacts our physical and psychological health and really our emotional health if I get really granular about it. But for the sake of your souls, we didn't get super nerdy. We didn't go down all the mechanistic conversation, like just super nerdy. Here's what we talk about. What should you actually eat? Are you sick of it? You got to be raw vegan. I told her during the interview, I was scrolling the day and someone was like,

oatmeal will kill you. Oh my gosh. You got to eat all meat and be like, what are we doing? As my friend, Dr. Norton says, we step over $100 bills to pick up nickels when it comes to nutrition. And so finally, not finally, I've had several guests on the show.

She is yet another great guest. Talk about what are we supposed to eat? She's got a brand new book out, Calm Your Mind With Food. Calm Your Mind With Food. And it's a discussion of the connection between anxiety and what we eat. I mentioned it briefly in my book, this connection between what we eat and how our body responds. So much here.

So in the space of a call, Dr. Naidoo and I unpack some things. Well, actually, she unpacks it. I ask her some questions and she just runs with it because she's brilliant. So after Thanksgiving and Christmas, where if you're like me, you got off the rails, Dr. Naidoo's here to help, taking you into the new season. I'm going to tell you, spoiler alert, you're going to go, that's really?

And the answer is yes. We've made things way, way, way too complicated. Here's my conversation with Dr. Uma Naidoo. It's good to talk to you again. Man, I've done a million Instagram lives and I've not had the feedback that I got from our last conversation. So I'm glad that you are able to join me on the show. Thank you. I appreciate that. You have a great audience and clearly the interesting stuff that we talk

about, which is awesome. I don't know. I don't know anybody who is not just throwing their hands up and said, I quit when it comes to was I scrolling the other night on Instagram, which I'm not supposed to do, but I was, and I ran across one goofball saying, oatmeal will be the death of you. It's the worst thing you can put in your body. Somebody else saying that protein is overrated. You shouldn't

have so much protein. Somebody else say, it's just madness. And when you actually... So I feel... Let me say it like this. I feel one of the greatest honors of my life is I have friends like you in spaces that live in this data. And I'm able to pick up a phone and say, hey, walk me through this real quick. But 99.999% of the US population doesn't have access to people like you, right?

And so what happened? What happened with our food conversation that got so sideways that there's people on one side saying eggs are bad and somebody over here saying if you eat meat, you're going to all be dead. And somebody else saying oatmeal will kill you. And then somebody else saying, no, you meat, you're going to all be dead. And somebody else saying, you know, oatmeal will kill you. And then somebody else saying, no, you've got to eat protein or your body doesn't work right. What are we supposed to do? How did this happen? Well, I think it happened because, well, there's definitely been an explosion. I'm sure you'll agree with everything that went online over COVID, right?

And prior to that, we were already a mixed nation, eat this, not that, you know, seeing things as just categories of food versus what about just moving from the standard American diet called sad for a reason to just a whole foods diet as best we can. It's not perfect, but as many whole foods. I also feel like people make these statements for to enhance their followers and to enhance engagement and all this trickery, which, hey, you know what? You want to build your Instagram following, you go do you. But provide the public with well-readed information. For example, oatmeal. Oatmeal can be complicated, Ajahn, because sometimes the prepackaged oatmeal can be loaded with lots of sugar and stuff that we don't really need.

A version of oatmeal can be healthier and a good grain for you to eat. But should you be eating it every single day? Maybe not because continuous glucose monitoring studies and research has shown that it does actually hit your metabolic health. It's not always the healthiest food in the way that it's claimed to be and the way it's marketed. Now, does that mean it's evil? No. That means have your oatmeal. Make it in a healthy way.

Add in a good source of milk or whatever you're doing. Be mindful of your toppings and don't have it for every single day. Mix it up with chia pudding and eggs and all sorts of things. But the conversation has gotten very toxic. And I find it, I'm often dealing with the aftermath of people coming and saying, well, I was told I should never eat a bean. And someone else saying,

I have to go plant-based because I'm hearing if I eat meat, it's going to kill me. So it's a lot of confusion out there and hard to sort through. You just said it. Sorry for interrupting. You just said it, something that I want everyone to hear. And I've become close friends with several folks in the nutritional space who have degrees. They have pedigree here and they know what they're talking about.

And behind closed doors, when I ask them, like, hey, why do you keep going after people? It's what you just said. Because they end up in the hospital. They end up with completely deranged metabolic systems. They end up with completely deranged, I don't want to get too nerdy, but their bodies are falling apart and they're just trying to do the best thing that somebody told them. And so kudos to you for saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, here's actual data. Here is like, and you're not just somebody, you're not just like a nerd like me who sits

in a room and writes books. You also see patients. You also build programs that have efficacy to them. You're not just an influencer trying to get a following. It sounds like you are at the end receiving line in a hospital with these folks and you're tired of seeing hurting people. And so if we can move upstream. So I'm just so grateful. Thank you. It all lands on this. You're going to save us all right now. Okay. And I know I don't, I don't give any spoiler alerts, uh, spoilers in your book. I want everyone

to pick up, calm your mind with food. So picture in your mind, a single mom with three kids, and she's just been buying a bag of, of off-brand Cheerios. And that's what her kids have for breakfast. And she gives them skim milk because she heard that full-fat milk is bad for them. Or the over-the-road trucker who puts on 5 or 10 pounds every year, who just wants to be a little more present father, who's got a little more energy, wants to slowly begin to give his kids a picture. What would you just outline as big picture? What should they eat?

Some basic principles. Some basic principles. Yes. And go towards, I actually have six pillars of nutritional psychiatry, which I outlined in my first book. And some of the pillars are the following. Eat the whole food and skip the processed version of it. So what do I mean by that? Eat an orange, skip the store-bought orange juice, which has all the fiber removed and added sugars, which you don't need. But if you eat the orange, it has all the micronutrients you need. It is fresh, delicious, and has vitamins as well. The more times we can keep that principle in mind, the better. You can have frozen broccoli. You can get broccoli in the fresh produce section

or cauliflower, or you can have the highly processed version that's added to a nugget or some kind of trickery that the food company has come up with to sell that broccoli to you as a healthy product. Unfortunately, even if the broccoli is okay, it's loaded with a lot of stuff that your body doesn't need. And what I'm referring to are the colorants, the dyes, the food stabilizers, et cetera, that you don't need. And that's what goes into processed foods. And research has shown in animals that when we consume things like thickeners called CMC, carboxymethylcellulose, from foods that are thickened with it, for example, that it is damaging and disruptive to the gut microbiome in animal studies, and in fact leads to lower

production of short chain fatty acids something that we want our gut microbes to be helping us produce that's healthy for us that that fends off inflammation and other discomfort in the gut so we know this and what we want to be doing is just going as much as possible for um for for whole foods when we can. Difficult to avoid processed food, but what you choose makes a difference. Another thing is lean into the leafy greens because wherever you can get your B vitamins, think brain B vitamins because many of the B vitamins, if not all of them, are involved in brain health. Vitamin B12 from different animal proteins or nutritional yeast, vitamin B9 from leafy greens, folate, low folate is associated with the low mood. So that's a good one for you.

So I say add in those leafy greens and have your nutritional psychiatry plate mostly loaded with colorful vegetables for the fiber, the micronutrients that you're going to get and all the things that your body needs, then choose your clean protein. You may want a nice piece of beef. You may want a piece of tofu, whatever your dietary preferences, make sure it's the best version that you can get that's accessible to you. Then add in your healthy fats and a smaller portion of say a whole grain like quinoa or whatever it is that you prefer so in other words you're not you don't have a pile of quinoa you have a small serving of it but you're really

filling your plate with satiating vegetables which are complex they are carbohydrate but complex they break down more slowly this is a simple thing if we think about it we can adjust in every single plate that we eat or what we cook. So it's going back to those principles and then add in spices and herbs because they're rich in antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. They're pretty much calorie free. They're salt free and sugar free if you just buy a spice from the supermarket and you can flavor up your food to make whatever you're eating super delicious. So those are just some jumping off points for people to try.

And don't forget water. Hydration is extremely important. And dehydration worsens depression and makes people anxious. So tell me if I'm smiling because I had a buddy about a decade ago. He's since passed away, but about a decade ago, he said, the arc of nutrition and physiology exercise is heading towards something that is going to be very challenging to package and sell. And I said, what do you mean by that? And it continues like,

how do you get in great physical shape? Well, walk most of the time or do some zone two and have a sprint day and lift weights several times a week. Ta-da. And as my buddy, Dr. Norton says, people often trip over a hundred dollar bills to pick up nickels. We want it to be so complex. And similarly, we have so many fad diets and so much this and so much this and so much this. And what you're saying is, hey, eat whole real foods the way nature invented them right and get make sure you get enough fiber and good vegetables and make sure you get good proteins and have a little fun along the way it can't be that easy but just is it so i think i think this is this is where it gets hard it gets hard with

the the different type of messaging that's out there. Like you mentioned the oatmeal issue. It also gets difficult because I fundamentally do believe people know what healthier foods are, but it's inconvenient. They're often stressed and in a rush to get food on the table, make sure that the family is fed, make sure that there are choices that everyone likes. And I think, unfortunately, we start to eat processed food and our brain gets tricked into liking it because the processed foods are engineered to be hyperpalatable, to tap into our cravings. If you've ever ordered French fries at a fast food drive-thru,

you often upsize. And when you upsize, you eat the whole bag. And then the next day, you're like, hmm, maybe I want some more. You're a healthy guy. Maybe that's not happened to you, but it happens to a lot of people in America. I would have French fries every day. Yes. Multiple times. They're so good. And here's the thing. They are delicious, but in a fast food restaurant, they actually often have added sugar that you don't taste, but they've been engineered to be so tasty and yummy that we want more and our brain then wants it again. So these are the things that we're working against. And what I'm saying is that

it's much more nuanced than what I'm sharing right now. And the nuances are in the book. What are the different spices you want to. You know, what are the different spices you want to incorporate for anxiety? What are the different herbs that are possible? Which teas are best? But for basic principles, it's not that so easy. It's more that we've almost lost our way and people have this messaging

which gives them more confusing information. And when they have just a plate of food in front of them, they think that it can't be this. And I feel like part of it is also making that habit change because we often choose foods out of convenience and it's harder to make those home-cooked meals and do the shopping and prepare because we're all so busy. But research has even shown that when we prepare our meals at home and we eat more meals at home, we lose weight and we consume fewer calories. So this is helpful information for us to know. That's incredible.

Well, thank you so, so much for joining us all the way from – are you in Boston now? I'm actually in New York today because I had an event here. Very cool. Well, thank you for making time for us and for our audience. And we will link to your book. And I wish you the absolute best. Just some quick advice to you during your book lunch week. Make sure you eat lots of leafy green vegetables and clean.

I'm just kidding. Hey, I'm really, really grateful for you. You're so generous with your time. But I wish you the absolute best. Sell a million copies. Thank you. Thank you, doc. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're going with a classic written by somebody who I think most everybody would be okay if she would just decide to run for president. Maybe supreme leader of earth and ship this, shape up this ship. Is that how you say it? You don't ship up this shape. You shape up this ship. Get things how you say it? You don't ship up this shape. You shape up this ship.

Get things in order. The great and awesome and powerful Dolly Parton singing her classic 9 to 5. Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen. I pour myself a cup of ambition and yawn and stretch and try to come to life. Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping. Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumping.

The folks like me on the job from nine to five. Working nine to five, what a way to make a living. Barely getting by, it's all taken and no given. They just use your mind and they never give you credit. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it. Dolly, run for president. Please, we need you. See you later, guys.

Stay in school. Don't do drugs.