The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Won’t Keep a Job

Episode Date: March 1, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A wife frustrated by her husband’s inability to keep a job -       A woman addicted to staying busy -       A mom unsure of how much to support her college-age son Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or click here: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show/ask-a-question 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: https://bit.ly/3EL5ubR 📝 Anxiety Test: https://bit.ly/460QXUp 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: https://bit.ly/47q7Skm ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/472lIKd 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: https://bit.ly/3MAGpEV ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors   -       10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp: https://bit.ly/3seoBCe  -       3 free months of Hallow:  https://www.hallow.com/delony  -       25% off Thorne orders: https://www.thorne.com/u/delony -       Save up to $250 on the Eight Sleep Pod: https://eightsleep.com/delony  -       15% off your Apollo Neuro order: https://apolloneuro.com/pages/delony-lp?utm_source=delony&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=lander -       Save 20% on Organifi orders: https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/WDCVCJ692nIQm8xyiVdjH2?domain=organifishop.com   Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   X (@johndelony) Instagram (@johndelony) Facebook (facebook.com/johndelony/)

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney show. How can I stop putting too many things on my plate and teach my body and mind to relax? Well, duh, marijuana. I'm just kidding. I can... No, don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah, no, I know. I've decided not to do that. I've decided. You answered that great.

What's up? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. Talking marriage, mental health, emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. I will, I don't know if I'll have the right answer, but I will sit with you and we will figure it out together.

If you want to be on this show, you're looking at me funny. Kelly, did I do something? Oh, I thought you were making fun of my hair or something. Is my hair a mess? No, we were having a conversation about something else. Oh. Well, sometimes you're like talking. Sometimes it's not all about you, John. I see what you did there. I know, but you look

at me while you're talking to somebody next to you, and I always think you're like mouthing words to me, like you're not good at this. No, we were talking about the shelves, and it was a completely conversation that had nothing to do with you. Still sensitive. That's why I always sat in the back of the classroom because I always thought everybody was making fun of me.

So listen, if you want to talk to a semi-neurotic guy about what's going on in your life, feel free to give us a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Write out what's going on in your life. And if you've listened to this show before, you know it's real people going through real stuff. And sometimes the answers are easy.

Sometimes the answers are just frustrating and not clear. And sometimes it's hard stuff to hear and sometimes it's, let's just go get it done. So whatever's going on in your life, give us a buzz. 1-844-693-3291.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show, especially on the YouTubes and on the podcast. Please subscribe it, like it, do all those clickety clack things. Let's go out to Glad show, especially on the YouTubes and on podcasts, please subscribe it, like it, do all those clickety-clack things. Let's go out to Gladstone, Missouri and talk to Lacey. What's up, Lacey? Hey, Dr. D. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What up? Okay. Well, to get right to the question, I guess, I want to know, I guess, how to move forward or what I can do with feeling like my husband's kind of been a weight, like a weight on us financially and relationally and just all together, I guess. Wow. That's no pun intended. That's heavy, right? Are you done? Are you talking about how do I move on

or are you trying to salvage this thing? What are you thinking of doing? Yeah, we're trying to go forward. Just a couple of days ago, my husband said he always envisioned our relationship as me going in front and him struggling behind sometimes being dragged. And yeah, I don't, I mean, I want to make progress and things and, but I don't want to drag him. I want him to be with me, you know, I want to partner. So when you said he envisioned it, it's, that was his fantasy that you would go first or he's envisioning it like this is how he's experiencing his own life i guess the latter yeah all right so tell me about it tell me why is he a weight

well um i don't know i just and these are you know things i did because of my sensitivities i guess but you know i I would, I started college and, and, uh, he was still in high school. We were high school sweethearts. Gross. I know. All right. So, and, and, but I, I was away from him for so long and I felt him kind of get distant.

So I was like, okay, well maybe I'll put off college till he gets out of high school too. And then, you know, he decided not to go. And then I, then we had kids and I decided to try to go back and didn't really have a ton of support with the kids. Like couldn't continue. And then, I don't know, it feels like he, I mean, it's not as it feels like he gets, you know, he gets a job and he likes it and he keeps it for like six months. And then some little bit of tension happens and then he quits and he doesn't have another job

for like six to nine months afterwards. Whoa. And yeah, he's got a lot of, I guess, mental struggles. I've heard you talk about the aces and he took the test with his therapist and he's a 10. Wow.

Not an excuse, of course, but I tried of course, but yeah, that's heavy. Yeah. Yeah. That's heavy. Yeah. I try to understand, you know, and we, uh, I don't know. We went to your money and marriage in October. And I have to say, uh, oh my gosh, it was the most life-changing thing we've ever done. Like it was so amazing. We had such a good time. And afterwards he came back like a totally different person. Uh, we were actually the, we were the couple that had the argument about the plants. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. So, yeah, to kind of wrap it all together.

Yeah. You know, and, you know, what we talked about how we lost our son at the conference. And ever since then, he kind of lost his relationship with God. And that's been huge because I, you know, want to go to church with my family and want to take my kids and do church things. And he's mad. You know, he's still mad at God for it. Sure. So he's a weight. He's a weight spiritually.

And I love him to death. And even him saying he felt like he was being dragged behind, and I don't want that to continue to happen so there's a lot here um I wish he was I wish he was on the phone because I think it would it would broaden the conversation a little bit um well I I was gonna say I can get him into the other room no I we're into the call now but it may be good to have y'all call back because I would going to say, I can get him. He's in the other room. No, we're into the call now, but it may be good to have you all call back because I would love him to hear what I have to say to you and then begin to move forward.

So I'm going to start way at the outside edges and then work my way in, okay? Okay. An ACEs score of 10. That's a different nervous system. He has a different nervous system than the rest of us. Right. And he chose to get married and he chose to have kids. And so he has a different nervous system but the same responsibilities.

Mm-hmm. but the same responsibilities. What that means is the effort he will put in to life is going to be harder than mine. Because my ACE score is not a 10. And notice I didn't say that he doesn't have to put the effort in. And notice I didn't say

he doesn't have to take care of his kids and honor his wife. It's just going to be harder yeah right and so I see it your patience with him is good and noble and kind and it also um he feels that patience and he internalizes that as shame as yet again you're not happy with him he feels that patience and he internalizes that as shame. As yet again, you're not happy with him. Fair? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm going to ask you a hard, hard question. And I want you to be as honest as you can. Okay? Okay. We know each other really well now. We've talked about plants on a stage in front of a jillion people, okay?

Yeah. And if you don't know what we're talking about, if you weren't one of the thousand people in that room coming to Money in Marriage in October. That was a wild weekend. It was fun. Yeah, it was. Are you done? Because you're speaking in resentment language. And that's what I want to prevent.

I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to be done. I said forever, and that's what I want to prevent. I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to be done. You know, I said forever, and that's what I meant, you know. He was, yeah. I just, here's another little tidbit. After the conference, he said he wanted to tell me something that he didn't think he'd ever be able to have the confidence to tell me again. He said, now or never. And I said, okay, what is it?

And he admitted to cheating on me several times throughout our relationship. And so, yeah, this kind of felt like, I don't know, it was a different relationship. Yeah. I've never been with anybody else. Yeah. And I take it seriously, and it just felt like, I don't know, I was a joke. Lacey, you're not crazy. I feel like sometimes you become a spectator in your own life and you're wondering

what happened to this poor girl. Yeah. Because you were going to go to college and you were going to do this thing and you were going to marry this adventurous, kind of a little bit morose guy. You know, we're going to have a family. I'm going to go do stuff. And then you just blinked your eyes. And now you're with somebody who doesn't work, somebody who doesn't share the same values as you spiritually. And by the way, I've been through seasons when I was an atheist. I didn't believe in any of this stuff. But I still got up and went to church with my wife.

Right? Wow. And so, no, that's not anything to applaud. That's just me saying I felt like I had a responsibility because we agreed on values This is what we do on sundays Right, right. And so, um, sometimes you do hard things or things you don't want to do and it was going in those dark times that actually turned the light on at the other end of that thing for me, but um And you got a husband that cheats on you

Yeah multiple times into that thing for me. But, and you got a husband that cheats on you. Yeah. Multiple times. Yeah. And so, if you read Building a Non-Ancient Life, like, the first step

out of the gate is you got to own reality. You got to choose to live in reality. Yeah. I, yeah. And, it's been a few months since he told me. I know. I know. It's hard to even, even wrap your head around. It's hard to wrap your head around that everything you knew is over now because it is. If, and if you haven't, if you haven't fully metabolized

that yet, I'll do it for you. It's over. Right. And now you have to decide, am I going to build something new? So on the heels of, I don't work but half a year or so-ish, and I don't like to do this, and when you're off working, making money, I'm just going to hook up with other people. And then he turns around and says, I feel like you're dragging me. That's victim language, Joe.

Yeah. Is he done? Is he out? Well, that's the thing is he's so back and forth. Some therapists have considered diagnosing him with BPD. Yeah. I don't, because he will,

he'll say like, I'm the most amazing thing ever. And then he'll say that I, I drain him and I'm, you know, always try to be in control of everything. And I don't want to be in control, but I feel like if I,

you have to be, because he doesn't work and he doesn't keep his word and he's not a man of integrity and he's not the man you want modeling what love and consistency and healthy masculinity looks like for your kids right

so what about this are you wanting to hang on to? Well, um, he's definitely trying and I can see that, uh, after, after the conference, he was a whole different person and he was so like kind and like everything I would imagine a husband to be. And I was frozen. I didn't know how to react to him because I've never, never been so fond over, I guess to say the least. And, and you know,

the, it kind of wore off over the past, over the past few months. And, and, but I feel partially my fault because I didn't know how to react back, you know? It's not, it's, yeah. Oh, geez.

I mean, here's where you are. I don't think you have fully internalized the, the ash with which you are standing in. You have to exhale the marriage you thought you had is over now. And even more so, the guy I thought I married is not the guy I thought I married. He's not. And so, that doesn't mean your marriage is over. That means you're doing a new task.

Because your task isn't, I need to learn how to like, when he fawns over me, I need to learn how to respond. Or he fawns over me, I need to learn how to respond. Or I need to stop pulling him and pushing him. No, what you got to do now is you got to rebuild your marriage from the floor up. And I'd love to. And we want to. I think you want to want to. Or you might want to. I think he's going to want to want to. I think you want to want to. Or you might want to. I think he's going to want to want to.

Because here's what it's going to look like. You're going to write down. And it'd be kind of gangster if you just did it on a yellow pad. With a pen. You can do it in a nice journal or like in a Word document or something. But it just feels extra gangster just to slide a yellow yellow piece of paper across a denny's table but um here's what has to be true for us for me to re-engage and rebuild this marriage from the foundation up here's what must be true number one you have to work 12 months out of the year,

period. You can't quit a job unless you have a job. You must have a job where there's insurance, where there's a retirement plan, period. The days of playing and prancing around are over. Number two, if you cheat on me again, the marriage is over. Because I don't want to go to bed and sleep with my husband wondering what diseases he's passed along to me. Right. I don't want to go to work knowing he's not working because he got sad at his last job and who he's sleeping with.

Well, I'm paying the bills of our home. We will get up on Sunday mornings and go to a house of worship. And you don't have to believe any of it. You don't have to sing along, but you're going to sit by my side. And on and on and on. Here's the thing. You get to pick. And if he says, I'm not doing that, then he is opting out of your marriage.

And it sounds like he has tried to opt out on multiple occasions. Yeah. Yeah. And you're too stubborn to let him go. Let him go. I am stubborn. I don't like to give up. I know.

And I applaud you for it. I applaud you for it. I applaud you for it. Yeah. I mean, and then he comes back. I know. I know. And everything's good, it seems like. And I mean, I've seen, you know, a lot of strides, a lot of things he wouldn't do in the past.

Okay. Have you given him a list? Have you been very clear? I don't, I don't think so. You haven't. I know you haven't. You've just been so happy at the scraps he leaves for you on the floor underneath his table. Yeah. And that has to end. You know why? How old are you, Lacey? 28. You're going to wake up and be 38 before you know it. And he'll have left you. You'll be sitting there with two kids who have this as a model for what marriage and fatherhood looks like.

And you'll be broke, and you'll be wondering what happened to that bright-eyed, brilliant 18-year-old that was heading off to college. Right? Yeah, and that's what I'm scared of. I know. I'm telling you right now, I talk to a lot of 38 year old yous I'm just watching this play out in front of you And you can change it all

And make no mistake my friend when you lay boundaries down like this People can walk up to your boundaries and go, I don't want in and walk away. And that's their choice. They can also run up and try to smash your boundaries. Just barrel through them and see if they hold. They can do that too. But you are worth more than the life you are allowing yourself to live. And I met your husband. I liked him. He's a pleasant guy.

The way he's choosing to live and treat you is not honorable, and it's not dignified. And if you were my sister, if you were my daughter, if you were one of my close friends, I would tell you to get real clear about what must be true for this marriage to be rebuilt. Otherwise, he is opting out and it's time for us to live in that reality. And as I said earlier, man, I'm happy to talk to him if he wants to call in. I know you've got some tough, tough choices to make ahead of you.

You got to choose your heart. Staying in the same path is going to be hard. Getting real clear and real direct is going to be hard too. I hope you'll choose option two. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right.

I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things,

or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways

you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality,

practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show

get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go tollow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Cumberland Gap, Tennessee and talk to the great Natalie. What's up, Natalie? Hi, I'm good. Thank you. What's up? Okay. Um, I'll get to the point. So I'm going to read my question off. Okay. So my main question is how can I stop putting too many things on my plate

and teach my body and mind to relax? I'm just kidding. I mean, I guess. No, don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah, no, I know. I've decided not to do that. I'm just sorry. You answered that great. All right, keep going. Keep going. Okay, so the details I wrote.

So it says, I like working and having things to work towards and do. Sometimes I give myself too much to do, but I struggle with knowing how to not do that and still feel fulfilled in my life. I'm a very scheduled person. I give myself time to relax and do things I like. I noticed that my body often feels like it needs to rush or like something's going to happen that I'm late to or something. So kind of hit a roadblock on this one. What made you call? Did something happen? Um, I mean, not like an earth shattering event. I mean, in May we, okay, we moved across the country, um,

for my husband to go to graduate school. And I've noticed that since then, I've just been noticing it more. And so I've done a lot of my own self-work in the past. And this is just something that I've struggled to kind of work on. I can't really figure this one out. Who in your life, and it can be any number of people who gave you extra connection or extra closeness when you achieve something? Well, um, well, that's a hard one. Uh, I mean, my husband, he's a great guy. My mom on occasion. So my mom has borderline personality disorder on occasion. You've been, oh man, yeah. Yeah. You have been opening your eyes and gently opening your bedroom door and wondering what the weather inside your living room is since you can remember, right? Yeah, pretty much.

And was it your job to make sure mom didn't get set off? Kind of, yeah. I mean, yeah, for her, I was her only child. Oh, good. It was me. So let's be honest and choose reality. It wasn't kind of. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And when things were great, they were unfathomably great, right? You're the greatest kid of all time. You're the most wonderful person of all time. And when things were bad, they were not good, were they? Yeah. were bad they were not good were they yeah no not just yeah but um i need you to feel with me for a second okay when they were bad they were bad fair yeah yeah where's mom now um i don't know okay where does that sit in your body uh like you mean like the physical sensation yeah where is that um what a mom just in my chest okay there you go it's often in the chest

and your jaw too do you clench it up yeah um i haven't seen her for like over a year and a half on purpose. But whenever I'd be with her, it'd always be my jaw clench up. Yeah. And so I think, I mean, you and I could talk for hours and I bet it would be an adventure. I bet it'd be an adventure. Oh, I'm sure. But in this short compressed time that we have, my guess is for whatever reason, your body has learned activity staves off anxiety. And those quiet moments in your house growing up was a storm brewing and quiet moments by yourself was the the tension before the the

bad guy jumps out in the horror movie because in homes where there's loving, connected, attending parents. That quiet, that calm is what peace is. You didn't have that. So in a chaotic home, that quiet is doom. And so what we do as adults, we run around and make sure there's never any quiet. It's a grown-up version of la, la, la with both fingers in our ears. And what sucks about it is we get awards for it. We get money for it.

Right? Yep. Yep. If we had just picked drinking, then we got to go to rehab. But we didn't. We picked achievement and busy. Yeah. And what do we get?

You get more praise and you get more responsibility and more people at your local church saying, oh, can you help with this? And you're like, yeah, I can do that. And more and more. And your husband's like, you're always down for anything. And you're like, oh no, I'm that kind of girl. And then, and then eventually your body says, hey, I quit. Fair? Yep. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying to prevent. It's – I don't want to keel over too soon, you know. Oh, my gosh.

Your ability to disassociate is incredible. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or – I mean, it's – it can be – it's a gangster mean it's it can be it's a it's a gangster strategy in the right place it's a tough way to live every day oh cool okay um the only i mean it's it's it's the the technique is exposure therapy you're not going to like it it's going to be brutally uncomfortable and i don't see a path forward for you without you ending up in some pretty significant counseling for a season. Okay. And it is learning to be with yourself and feel safe in your own skin without the flurry of activity,

without the flurry of what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next, without the flurry of activity, without the flurry of what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next, without the flurry of adrenaline that props your body up because you're always just, just not late on the thing. Yeah. And the problem is that feels like a superpower for you. And so that means healing is going to feel like weakness for you and if i sound like i'm speaking from from an insider's look is that's i'm on this path right now yeah my counselor asked this several months ago she said what are you feeling now feeling now? And I said, if I had to write it down, like if I had to just lay it out, I would say depressed, but I'm not depressed. Things are

great and I feel good, but everything feels low. And she smiled and said, this is what normal feels like. I was like, Ooh, I don't like that. And it took me a long, long time. Yeah. Because everything was amped, always. Yeah. So at a very practical level, you're going to have to tell your husband, I want to take my arm and completely swipe our family calendar,

all of it. And I want to put on the calendar one to two nights a week when you and I have nothing scheduled but just being with each other. That can be going for a walk. That can be watching a show, reading a book together,

making out. I can be whatever you want, but I want you to feel the tension of not having a plan. Okay. Yeah. And you're already swallowing. You can already feel it like,

oh. I know. See? Okay. I'm just afraid that I'll sign myself up for something else. Nope. I tend to do that.

But that's you acting like you don't have control of your own body. You got to get back in the driver's seat of your own life. Here's your new rule. I do not say yes until 24 hours later. Because you've proven to yourself that you can't control that gap, right? Yeah. You know that if somebody asks, hey, could you come by? Yep, I'm in. The rule you have to make for yourself is I don't answer. I take 24 hours between answering.

And what that will do is it gets you out of that emotional situation. That'll get you out of that one-on-one conversation. That'll get you out of that feeling like it's your job to take care of the person on the other end of the phone because you've been doing that your whole freaking life. And you get to actually exhale at your home by yourself or with your husband in front of a calendar and say, I can't add any more things. Okay. Yeah. And then you have to feel the awkwardness of saying no. And I'm going to add one more thing. You're not allowed to say why. You can't give an excuse. Okay. You just have to say, oh, I'm not going to be able to make it. Thank you for the invitation. I hope you'll have a great time. And you don't get to add

because I just got this and this, or I would love to, and please, but I had the, nope. You don't need to make a bunch of excuses. You don't need to tell everybody why you've been doing that your whole life. But I want you and your husband to sit down and say, what kind of life, here's the exercise. What do we want our life to feel like? Okay. And most people in your stage how old are you i'm 27 all right so you're about five years out you're about five years out from your body saying screw you i'm going home right well i also have two toddlers at home even better even better right even better and here's what we're gonna do we're not gonna teach them that anxious spinning around is the way we do life. We're going to teach them peace. Yeah.

We're going to teach them that the safest place that they will ever know in their life is mama's house. Can you imagine that? Yeah, I mean, that's what I hope for. No, no, no. I want you to feel that. Can you imagine when you found out you were pregnant for the first time, if your mama's house had been the one place you couldn't wait to get to, to tell her, to drop your shoulders and relax? And it wasn't.

That was the last place on earth you wanted to go. Oh, yeah. So let's reverse that. This is changing your family tree. This is you saying over the next 10, 15 years, I am going to learn peace. And like I said earlier, this is going to be hard. Unless you are just more extraordinary than I already think you are, you're going to have to get somebody that will sit with you. And because you're going to have to reconnect to your body because you're able to go through your life

at arm's length from how you feel. And you've had to your whole life. But you're gonna have to get there with some professional help. So just plan that, build that in. It's awesome. But let's sit down with your husband and let's ask this question.

What do we want this house to feel like? What do we want our marriage to feel like? What do we want this home to feel like for our do we want our marriage to feel like? What do we want this home to feel like for our kids when they're 10, when they're 16, when they're 26, when they're 46? What do we want our home to feel like?

So what must be true for that to happen? If we want them to laugh and have peace, then that means we got to do less stuff because when we have a lot of stuff, everything gets stressed. And you might need to go on adventures. I still need wild adventures. I just got back from a wild elk hunt and I had no business going on and it was an adventure and I'll be paying for it for a long time, like physically. And I can't wait to go

again. Right? So I need that. I just can't do that every day. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of building an anxious life. It's my gift gift to you I want you and your husband to go through it together. I want you to read it together and I want you all to imagine What if we built our home? Following this roadmap what'd that feel like and what has to be true? And you're gonna have to put some roadblocks in between you and decision making 24 hours um Only one person in school at a time um only one person in school at a time I only work this many hours

because I have toddlers and they're more important than some dumb job in this season, whatever the things are you got to put some hurdles in front of you because you're just going to say yes because that's who you are, that's who you've always been and we're learning something new so when we learn something new we have to make the new behavior easy and the old behaviors hard.

Cool. I'm proud of you. Man, I'm proud of you, Natalie. You give me hope. You are going to do the work and you're going to change the whole family church and your kids are going to know a mom that you never knew.

That's how entire legacies transform. Proud of you. Call me anytime. I got you. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my eighties. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my nineties. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high-quality, high-integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way,

that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout

for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Anna. What's up, Anna? Hey, Dr. John.

I'm so excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you. What's up? I've been listening to your show and I know that you work with college students. So I have a question and I'll just read what I sent in. So my son and his girlfriend are both college students and they recently found out that they are expecting a baby. So this is unplanned. Just like you drew it up, right, mom? Exactly. Right. They told me they're having the baby and that their best case scenario is that they can stay

in school and finish their degrees. And they both have two years left and live on campus in the dorms. And their school is a nine hour drive away from me in another state, not near any family. And so my question to you is, I, you know, a few, but they're kind of all the same. Now, have you seen this work? What is the best way that I can help them? Um, have you seen other young couples succeed in this situation? You know, I know you have knowledge of college student issues and I'm hoping you can shed some light. Yeah. So, um, one thing I always told college students, whether they were coming home to tell their mom or dad that they're both that they're having an unexpected pregnancy or that they, um, are dropping out of school or that they, their parents didn't know it,

but they're gay. Like whatever thing they were going to put down on the table. I used to always tell college students, you don't know this, but your parents have a picture about how this all plays out for you. It's not right, but it's their picture. So your parents get some time

because everything's different now. And I would always hear students say like, oh, yeah, but my dad. No, no, no, your dad gets a minute, right? And so I'll tell you, you get a minute. So I'm glad you called. And it's okay to go, uh, that's okay. It's all right. Right.

One day, my kid is a kid and, and, and all of a sudden she's a soon to be parent. That's exactly right. We're looking at grades. Yeah. We're looking at babies.

All right. So here is, um, you've probably heard me talk about, um, my wife and I, we, I mean,

as a family, we experienced three miscarriages right in a row. And the last one was pretty gnarly. All of them were gnarly. One of them almost killed my wife. And so then we had Josephine, my daughter. And it was a couple years into that. And I was working.

I think she was two. And a student walked in, a young woman. And I had my door open. And my door was usually closed. And my admin would receive all the visitors who came into our office complex. And I happened to have my door open and this young woman came in with her head hanging low. And she said, hey, and she was speaking really quietly. And so I kind of leaned in because it sounded like there was an issue, but my admin was amazing and she's going to handle it. And I heard her say,

hey, I just found out I'm pregnant and I need to figure out everything. It was just very hushed, quiet, heartbroken, devastated scene. And I got up from my desk and I walked out into the main lobby and I said, I'm interrupting here. I want you, and I pointed at from my desk, and I walked out into the main lobby, and I said, I'm interrupting here. I want you, and I pointed at the young woman, I want you to go back in the hallway, and I want you to come back in this door, and I want you to yell at the top of your lungs, I'm having a baby, and we're all going to cheer for you. Now, was I completely undermining the fact that this isn't how she drew up her life? No. Was I brushing aside how incredibly high the odds are stacked against her?

No. But I'll be damned if I'm going to have another baby come into the world unwanted and another baby enter into the world under a cloud of anything other than you're going to be miraculous and we're going to figure this thing out. And here's what's amazing. She did it and she didn't yell like I wanted her to, but she was, she didn't smile and say, I'm having a baby. And we all cheered, right?

And we're all ridiculous. Her mom called me and she i'm having a baby. We all cheered right and we're all ridiculous Her mom called me And she was really choked up She said I didn't handle that news Um when I got it, thank you for loving my baby Okay, so I tell you that to tell you this You know like I know the odds are stacked against your son and his girlfriend both for their relationship to work out for them to finish college for their economics like all

that stuff now they have just entered into a path it's going to be very difficult yeah and this baby being born under a cloud of shame is not going to help that path. Okay? Right. Is that fair? Oh, definitely. And I told him that. Awesome.

I said, nobody wants to come into the world unwanted. There you go. So we're going to, from this point forward, we're having a baby. We're going to cheer this thing on. And part of having a baby is reality. And reality sucks. Right? It's not fun. That's the part I'm worried about.

All right. So have you connected with the mother's parents? I am going to actually very soon in the next couple of weeks. Okay. I would do that and here's why. You're connected with that family whether you want to be or not for the rest of your life. Ta-da. It's so awesome being on this side of this conversation. Cause I know you're like, I would punch you if you were sitting here. Fair enough, but you're connected. And so it's important to know what you're working with,

right? Right. Do you have somebody that's just going to fight you and be angry and it's going to be like this and they're dropping out of school or do they have somebody who, hey, our kids, our children are having a baby. And so we're gonna have to work together on this one. I think that conversation is really important. I think number two, here's what I've seen work really well, sitting down with two young people and saying here is reality Y'all have created a world. We're all going to keep living in the dorms. That world is not real Y'all are gonna have to get an apartment the apartment's gonna cost x Some parents and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna put an opinion on the table here

I know what I would do with my kids, but every kid is different. Every family's different. Some parents will say, y'all are going to live in a one-bedroom apartment with a toddler. Our priority is that you graduate from college. And so as long as y'all are both in college or one of you is in college, and then one of you takes a semester leave and then comes back, whatever that looks like, as long as you're in college, we're going to pay for your apartment. Or we can't afford that. And one of y'all is going to have to quit and get a job. And the other one, we want to stay in school. Like y'all sit down and just map that out. Here's how much diapers cost. Here's how much insurance costs. Here's how much hospital visits cost. And I know they have a fantasy about they're going to

stay in their fraternity and sorority and keep doing their life or whatever things going on eight hours away when they look at the numbers and the math it's probably wholly impractical for that to continue right right but i want to them. We are now in the persuasion business. We're not in the telling business. I want to show them and strongly encourage them. We can help with childcare if that's possible for you guys. We can help with support and care. Here's how hard this is going to be.

And encourage them to go to a local school, if that's even possible. You see what I'm saying? So I want to lay out reality. I want to provide some options, and I want you and your husband and hopefully the other set of parents, everybody on the same page about what support will look like if A, B, and C are met. Okay. Does that make sense?

Yes. This is so different. When I had my first i was married and had owned a home so like i'm looking at this going how can this even be possible how can it actually work got lots of young people that i know that had an apartment and they figured it out made it work and um lots of young women who were single moms had kids, and they made it work, and they were incredible. Dude, they have my lifetime respect. It was amazing.

Lots of guys that dropped out of school because they had to go get a job. They had to get a job because they had a baby that needed diapers and have had to figure it out. It's definitely possible. I think I just needed to hear some encouraging words. I've given him nothing but encouragement. And I honestly am really proud of myself that I reacted really well. I was the first one they told because I've always been available without judgment to come tell me things. And he was scared, but he told me first and I was so honored, honestly. But I also,

and you know, I'm scared for them. This isn't the start that they wanted. You know, this isn't, it's exactly what you said. I had an idea in my head of what was, what was going to happen with his school and finishing school and going into a career and it just changed everything and you know so i'm i'm just i think that i i can't imagine a more important and honest and helpful conversation than what you just said and i think it would be cool to sit down and lay it out here was my picture when you went off to college. And here's why that's important, because they have a picture that they haven't reckoned with yet. They think their life is going to continue and they're just going to have a glorified pet that

they got together. Right? That's the way in their head, like, oh yeah, we'll just have a baby and we'll just, that'd be cool. And what you're going to be able to say is hey this picture you're going to graduate you're going to get a job and then you can look at her and say you're going to meet someone just like her and y'all are going to like get married and have and then i think the important part is and that picture is gone doesn't exist and so now we're painting a totally new picture on the fly right as we go we are changing the oil on this car as it's flying down the highway. Right. And that's when I think just a quick piece of paper, you may have already worked it up

and said, hey, I did just some basic math. Y'all probably don't know this, but kids poop 10 times a day. And don't sleep. And they don't sleep. and so the idea that you're you're going to get up for class you're not or that you're going to do intramurals and be a part of your the fraternity and be in the science club you're not you're a dad now and i think it's dad comes before everything. And that means, yeah, I mean, if there's a season, here's something that parents struggle with when it comes to college.

Lots of my students took a semester off and came back. There is some data that says if you take that semester off, it's harder to come back, and that's true. But many, many, many students took a semester to go deal with mom because mom had cancer. To go deal with, I have to get a job because I can't afford the next semester and I'm not going to borrow money. And they came back and they finished, or they went to a local community college for another semester because it was way cheaper than they finished at a local school.

That's awesome. I have a close, close friend who came to college with us seven or eight hours away from home. We all finished pretty quick and he finished, he was a little slower. And then he went to a community college and then ended up at the giant university in the city where we all grew up. And now he's like number five at this massive corporation. He's doing super amazing. Right? So it's just about work ethic and character and all that stuff. The same as you know that it's just that everybody's plan blew up and most 18 or 19 or 20 year olds don't understand to the extent their plan has now different because they have a

kid. Right. I know. I think with the kid in there, if they leave schools and they may not go back but you know that's if I'm struggling with you know it's not it's not my life it's theirs now you know they you know I can't fix this there you go but but you can be very clear about what your ground rules are going to be okay and it may be that we will pay for school as long as you stay in school. I'm not going to knock that.

Yeah, that's definitely something we've discussed. Cool. And I think your gut instinct is like, I'm going to punish you for doing this. Okay, cool. There's a human here. Right? And it's not rewarding behavior.

It's just looking at reality and knowing, whoa, things just got really complex. Very, very hard. And it might be, uh, we can't afford it.

We can't help you. Um, if y'all want to move back home, we'll help with childcare. You can leave the baby here while you're working. Cause you're gonna have three jobs. Right. That's going to be a lot.

Yeah. And you and husband have to, y'all weren's going to be a lot. Yeah. And you and husband have to, y'all weren't ready to be grandparents. Ta-da! You are. No, definitely not. You're now grandma Anna.

I know. I know. Way earlier than planned. Way earlier. But again, you know, babies are good news. It's just, it's, you know, it just wasn't the news. No, babies are good news. And this is your, your, your son made a choice and his life is infinitely more complex than it was. Exactly. Cause once, once that's, once she was pregnant, there's no good, there's no good, there's no easy decision from there. Right. And yeah. But that's where, that's where your role as a parent is really important

because those decisions feel overwhelming. So what most 19-year-olds do is they don't make them. They just kick them down the road. And that's why they have parents to say, all right, here's your options. Drop out and go make some money. Drop out of college. Your dream of becoming like a marketing executive,

that's going to be over for a while. You're going to go get a plumbing certification. By the way, you're going to make more money and you're going to have more work forever that AI can't take from you, but you're going to go do that, right? Right. And your picture of this young son of yours

coming home with some stubble and a suit and tie that's over he's gonna come home with the plumbers and he's gonna be rich right he's gonna put you in a nice home when you're old hey i don't have anything against that at all that's right yeah he's just yeah but the picture changed or both y'all are gonna go to school me and the other mom are gonna do we're gonna alternate child care because y'all are gonna come home you're gonna move here and we're gonna figure it out and then when y'all graduate, then y'all are going to be starting new jobs at 21, 22 with a baby. Right. And we're going to support you for the next three years. And here's what support

means and actually looks like. Right. I think the clearest kind, letting them know, here's where this stands. And I'll go back to my original statement. You get a minute. Tell them, I may just burst into tears every once in a while, and I get to do that. And her dad may see you and punch you. He gets to do that. You knocked up his daughter.

I mean, whatever. But I think it's just putting that on the table. Y'all get to be people too. You've done an amazing job, Anna. Thank you. The, the, the, the haunting thing of my job, number one, the worst parts of my job was telling a parent that their kid had died or their kid was in the hospital. The second most haunting part of my job was the number of moms and dads that called me in tears saying, I wish I could have just had that conversation back when I got news that was different than I wanted to hear. And it sounded like you nailed it. So good for you.

Thank you. I'm so glad because I really would have regretted it. And yeah. That's right. You can't get that conversation back. Kids will forgive you. Your son or daughter will forgive you. But you'll always know, I wish I could have that one back. And I want to be super clear. I am not advocating for 19 year olds or 20 year olds to have babies

together in college. That's hard. It's just hard. Right. Yeah. I didn't get that from this. Yeah. I'm not advocating for it all, but we're here now, right? We're here now. And we just have to live in the reality. To live in that reality. And a call anytime. If your son wants to call, I'm happy to talk with him. I think that'd be a fun conversation as well. And I'm also super interested in how your conversation goes with your new in-laws that you weren't expecting.

So great. You're awesome, Anna. Hey, everybody hang around. We have a Am I the Problem coming up. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back. Hey, Kelly, real quick. You get that call. What do you do? I think she's handled it fantastic. I do too. Yeah. I mean, I had friends that happened to and some that handled it well and some that did not. Oh, I've seen students get disowned. And luckily now the two that I'm thinking of offhand, perfectly successful. Their kids are great. You know, it all works out, but it's hard. Real hard, yeah. Very hard.

I mean, they have to struggle. But disowning and yelling and the screaming, you're still in the same situation. Yeah, there's still a baby coming. There's still a baby coming and There's still a baby coming, and I'm not going to lose my child over it. But I like the idea of, but you get to have a minute. Because you have to grieve.

It doesn't look like I thought it was going to. Yeah, that was probably one of my most common conversations with students was, and then my dad said this, and I was like, you just blew up his life. He gets a minute. And they're like, okay, that's fair. Yeah, with whatever the news is, it doesn't was like you just blew up his life He gets a minute And they're like okay that's fair With whatever the news is

Everything's different now You came home with a Chevy and he's a Ford guy You've ruined him He gets a minute So whatever the thing is I remember I came home and I had long hair And a whole bunch of earrings I had like five or six

And my dad was like I don't know what's gotten it And I finally looked at him and I had long hair and a whole bunch of earrings. I had like five or six. And my dad was like, I don't know what's gotten it. And I finally looked at him and I said, dad, if the extent of my collegiate rebellion is I punched a bunch of holes in the side of my head, you've won, you've won. And he got all quiet and he goes, you're right. Take him out. Let me go to grandma's house. And it was your grandmother. And I was like, you got it. But it was like this. He needed a minute. His son came home and looked like an idiot and he needed a minute and he got it. So there you go. All right. So am I the problem? Let's do this. All right. So this is from Sherry in Arizona. She said, am I the problem or is my husband the problem? I like how she's going to go ahead and give us the option right there. It's one of us. It's one of us.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years with two little kids, five and three. We're both working full time. Am I in the wrong for asking him to stop playing video games for good? We had to, let's see, we tried to give each other schedules on video games, but then I feel like his mom by telling him when he can and can't play. When I asked him to get off to spend more time with me, he says that I knew what he was doing. So you knew I was gonna be on games. He will video game right when he wakes up and long into the morning hours. I have to set boundaries to not game while the kids are awake and home, but I find him sneaking off to play games on his PC.

Or he'll watch gaming videos online, on Twitch, and on YouTube. Am I the problem? America, we're doomed. This is how it all ends. No, she's not the problem. He is 1,000%. And I will say this. I give video games a bad rap.

Like my buddies who still play, I make fun of them all the time. But if playing video games is your thing, all right, fine. Mine is going down in the basement and playing guitar. I still think that one day one of those 80s metal bands is going to call and invite me. And so I'm just gearing up for when that call comes. But I can see that it's a way that I blow off steam and learn something new

and partridge in a pear tree. But when any activity gets between you and intimacy between you and your wife. And I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about closeness, connectivity, her feeling like you're an active member of this home, that the home rests on you. Anytime you are doing something instead of interacting with your kids, it's taking time away from that.

And it's not episodic. It's like, it's the way of being. Yes. No, you're not crazy. Your husband is having an affair. He's just cheating on you with video games. And that's probably hard to swallow. But ta-da.

What do you think, Kelly? Oh, 100%. Okay, good. I mean, I've got a kid, you know, at home, a teenager that's a big gamer. The key there is, I have a kid. you know, a home, a teenager, that's a big gamer. And the key there is I have a kid. He's a teenager. And we had one of these calls a while back and I, cause I thought, oh my gosh, is my son going to be like this? So I went home and I told him about it and he was like, that's stupid. This is just something I do because I'm a kid. So I was like, oh, thank goodness. He

was like, no, you know, at some point you like he even, he's like, I have to work or I have to go to church or I have to do things. So I can't game all the time. And he, trust me, he can figure it out. But yeah, I mean, the fact that she's having to be his mom, which don't say the gross line you always say about. Nobody wants to sleep with their kid. They don't. I know, but it's gross. But I mean, it's right because she's having to be his mom.

I tell my son, you have to be off games at six o'clock. Regardless of what's going on, he's off games at six o'clock. I don't want to have to tell my husband that. No, because that's weird. That's weird. And I remember I was talking to, like, at a marriage thing years ago, maybe four or five years ago, and I remember It hit me on stage And I was like you're sitting there on a game

And he or she is sitting there on like a device of some sort And y'all could absolutely be doing it right now Evolutionarily that doesn't make any sense You could be making out with a real person instead. You're just like Get them guys I'll never i'll never be able to wrap my head around it. I just can't get it, but

in all seriousness, there's something else going on in that marriage that that is the way he escapes the life that he has created for himself or that she has created, and they need to address that issue because he is choosing to opt out of reality because of these games,

and they need to address that issue because he is choosing to opt out of reality because of these games. And they need to put their energy towards figuring out what that is. But no, you're not the problem. Your marriage is and your husband and his games. Jeez, put down the video game controllers. The world is spinning around. Love you guys. Don't play video games. All right, bye.