The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Won’t Step Up and Set Boundaries With His Ex-Wife

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My husband’s ex is using my mom for childcare & my husband refuses to set boundaries My co-worker talks about suicide and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to to I’m having communication issues with my girlfriend; should we stay together? Lyrics of the Day: "You Talk Too Much" - Run DMC   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: boundaries, family, divorce, kids, suicide/self-harm, workplace/career, relationships, communication   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who's dealing with her husband's ex-wife and childcare issues. We also talk to a woman whose co-worker is threatening suicide but laughing about it. We also talk to a guy who's struggling with communication with his girlfriend. Stay tuned. What's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us. I say that every time,

but I'm glad you're with us every time. Maybe one day I'll say I'm so glad you're with us and I'll be lying to you, but you won't even know it. I'm glad you're with us. Talk about mental health, relationships, what's going on in your life and in the world. Man, so many podcasts

and you chose this one, so I'm grateful. Thank you so much. If you enjoy this podcast, send it to a buddy. Send it to somebody that may need it or send it to somebody who's struggling with some of the same stuff. That'd be awesome. And we're getting up on the holidays. I don't know when this goes out. November-ish, I'm assuming. This will be sometime

in the November. So, don't forget, John Deloney. November. Because I'm a middle school girl. I like just totes. Whatever. Is that how you're supposed to do that? Just stop. Just keep moving. So, go to JohnDeloney.com. Go to JoeDeloe.com.

JohnDeloney.com. Nope, that sounded weird. I don't know what Joe Deloe is. That may be real bad. Go to JohnDeloney.com. JohnDeloe.com. Nope, that sounded weird. I don't know what Joe Deloe is. That may be real bad. Go to JohnDeloe.com and get the conversation cards for your family, for your trip, for traveling, for you and your husband, you and your wife to staring at each other. And you think, let's go on a date. And then you're going to stare at each other. You don't have to talk about your kids. You can learn about each other.

And then when you're with your in-laws who just want to talk about conspiracy theories and, oh my gosh, did you know there's this YouTube channel? Hey, just be like, hey, look, I got these cards. Let's ask these questions. It'll save everything. Everything. Including the planet.

JohnDeLaney.com slash cards. Let's go to Mariana in Los Angeles, California. What's up? How we doing? Good, and yourself, Dr. Joe's up? How we doing? Good. And yourself, Dr. Joe? Man, we are rocking on. Is it super, super, super early?

Well, yeah. I came early to work to make it on time, but yes, it's super early. Hey, what is that like, getting to work early on time? Does that feel good? I have a fantasy that it feels so good. It does feel good? I have a fantasy that it feels so good. It does feel good. But the other day I set off the alarm in the building and I didn't know what to do because I just got a promotion here. So that was pretty scary.

You get a promotion and you're already breaking and entering. Good for you. Way to go, Mariana. That's awesome. So, hey, what's up? Congratulations on your promotion, by the way. That's pretty rad. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Well, my question today is in regards to a disagreement I have with my husband. Yeah. In regards to child care. I love getting in the middle of these. Excellent. It's in regards to child care, more so with his ex. So we have four boys.

Our three older ones are from his previous marriage. And we have them Friday through Sunday, and their mom has them Monday through Thursday. Okay. And there's been quite a few times now, more so in the beginning, it seemed like emergencies where she either couldn't miss work or someone got sick, one of the boys, things like that. So the only person that could be there is my mom because my mom takes care of our little son. So she would go and either pick up the kids from school or take care of them if they didn't have school, whatever the case may be. And now it's more so that she has been relying fully on my mom and my mom kind of just thought it was temporary. And she recently last week told us that she doesn't want to, you know, I guess, quote unquote, help her, if anything. She doesn't want to take care of the boys when it's on her time.

She needs to either figure it out because she has a lot of family. So my mom has this perspective that she has other ways than asking for us for help. And it's true because the only person that we would trust to take care of the boys in any circumstance would be my mom, which is not all the time because we are there. I should say we are there for them when it's our time. Sure. So hold on. I'm kind of getting lost here. So you and your husband, you'll have a little one right now together.

Yes. And he has some other kids, some other boys from a previous relationship. Mm-hmm. And his ex from the previous relationship, y'all share custody. So I'm going to take you out of this. So him and his ex share custody. Right. And he gets them some of the time and she gets them some of the time.

Mm-hmm. And once or twice, your mom bailed them out. Your mom helped out with childcare, helped your husband's ex out with childcare. Right. And then all of a sudden your husband's ex liked that it was free and always accessible and now it's turned into an all the time thing and your mom is saying,

I didn't sign up to take care of your husband's ex's kids. I'm out. Right, and she loves the boys. She's probably the best grandma that they have, and I love that, and it's not more so that she doesn't want. It's not her job. Yeah, she doesn't want, yeah.

And my husband now has a connotation of her that it's not about his ex. It's about the boys. We have to take care of the boys all the time. And I totally get that. Honestly, life would be a lot better if I birthed my kids myself. It's hard to try to make her responsible, if that makes sense. Or how do we do that? How do I get my husband on board?

Here's the thing. Your mom is a grown woman who can do whatever she wants to do. Right. And if she wants to help with childcare, great. If she doesn't, great. She's allowed to do that. And you and your family looking at her and saying, y'all are abandoning us.

You don't love us. You have a responsibility to do these things is inaccurate and not true. That's not fair to your mom. I'm proud of your mom for putting the boundary up and saying, hey, I'm running out of weeks and months of my own life. And I want to do some things that don't include

bailing out your husband's ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or whatever she is. And so that stinks for you all because y'all may have to come up with some more money or more importantly, these boys' birth mom is going to have to get her stuff together. And if she puts them in situations where they're not safe, that's what you and your husband, but your husband's going to go first, are going to go back to court and seek full custody

because she's putting them in situations that aren't safe. But that's between y'all, not your mom. Right. And that's what I try to explain to him because he tells me, well, you'd rather have them stay with strangers and of course I would never do that. Right, but that's gaslighting at its finest.

That is blaming somebody else for their boundary. That's not the only option. The other option is y'all hire somebody that you trust and y'all don't go out to eat as much or y'all have to live in a different house that is less expensive or drive different cars. I mean, there's some major sacrifices to having this many kids.

That's not your grandma's responsibility. I mean, it's not your mom's responsibility. It's not their grandma. responsibility I mean it's not your mom's responsibility It's not their grandma Once a month Or an arrangement where y'all pay her Or something like that I'm all in on that But if she draws a boundary

She drew a boundary When somebody draws a boundary We can run up against it And it's normal I do the same thing Run up against it And crash into the boundary and see if it's real. And when you find out it's real, then you have two options. You can respect the person and their

boundary, or you can go to war with the boundary. It doesn't change the boundary. It just changes how much your life is good or how much your life sucks. And so I would honor the fact that your mom has boundaries and then just be about deciding what's next it's not either or there's 50 different options here something about this makes me think your mom feels taken advantage of and I think she might be right yeah yeah and I feel the same way and I agree with her but I also don't want my husband to gain resentment towards her because of it because he's not he's not understanding what I think. And I understand where he comes from.

I mean, he grew up in foster care. He wants to be the best dad he can be. Absolutely, absolutely. But I can't help him get over that guilt that's not for him, if that makes sense. That's right. So can I tell you a really hard thing that's so, so challenging and difficult and heartbreaking? Yes. You can't control him.

You can't control his thoughts. You can't control his actions. You can just love him. And you can have your own boundaries. And one of my boundaries would be, hey, we're not going to talk bad about my mom anymore. She's made her choice, and now we're going to make other decisions. Either one of us is going to quit working for a season and stay at home,

and we're going to deal with the loss of income, or we're going to hire somebody. But this is the reality that we're faced with, and it's not her responsibility to make our fantasy about a perfect little family come true. Or we may circle back to mom and say, hey, mom, can we hire you? And X is going to spend the money because it's her responsibility because it's her time

that she's keeping these kids, right? Right. And if she can't do that, then she can't do that. And unfortunately, you're, there's not, I don't see an unfortunate here other than the pictures is everybody wants it to be a certain way that it's just not and the quicker y'all make peace with that and then come up with the next plan

oh my gosh man so much more peace involved there and you just can't hate on your mom for saying hey whoa whoa whoa I'm getting taken advantage of here yeah and if X doesn't want these boys then X and your husband need to have a hard conversation about that. Right.

If she wants the idea of wanting these boys, but doesn't want to be around for them, doesn't have time to be around for them, doesn't have the money to pay for childcare, that's a court situation. That's a full custody situation. That's a whole different picture. Right. Right. Right? Yes. I know this is so

hard, Mariana. I know. It's hard on your mom. It's hard on you because you want this thing to be beautiful and perfect. And your husband's heartbroken, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he is. I'm so sorry. It's a messy, messy situation.

But I want to honor your mom's boundaries here. I want to sit down with your husband and say, my mom has made a boundary. And so we're going to be done hating on mom. She's bailed out your ex for X number of years. She's done with that. She's let us know respectfully. Cool.

Now we have to make other decisions. Let's make other that. She's let us know respectfully. Cool. Now we have to make other decisions. Let's make other decisions. And let's focus energy there. And every time the conversation goes back to, well, if she would just, the conversation's over. That part of our life is done.

Let's decide what we're going to do next. Carrying that brick around is a waste of time. And then when you see her on Thanksgiving, hug her. She's been bailing you out for years. Hug her. She made her call. I know it's so hard, man.

I know it's so hard. And this has a lot of baggage for your husband, too. He's carrying a lot of this stuff. He's carrying it with him because he remembers his childhood, and he wants it to be different from his boys. It can be different, and it will be different. And he is a great dad, and you're a great stepmom here. But it's going to look different than the fantasy that he's got in his head.

And that's okay. He's got to work hard to make it happen. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can

learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.

You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. We are back with Lynn and Henderson. Lynn and Henderson. That kind of rhymes. I like that.

I'm going to sing this song all day. What's up, Lynn? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Outstanding. Outstanding.

What's up? Hey, so I have a question for you. I'm a teacher, and I have several teacher assistants who work for me. Oh, God bless you. Oh, my gosh. Wow. What grade do you teach? I'm actually a special education teacher. I work with students with behavior challenges and trauma backgrounds. Quadruple. I'm making all of the, I don't have a lot of religious hand signs. I don't know a lot of them, but I'm making all the ones that I know at you. Good for you.

Good gosh. So you are someone who works with children with behavior challenges and childhood trauma, and you decided, you know what else would be fun? Just to bring in some student teachers. Well, they're not student teachers. They're teacher assistants. Like they are there to help me. A full-time job. Okay, excellent. Yeah, yeah. All right, that's not student teachers. They're teacher assistants. Like, they are there to help me. Oh, it's their full-time job. Okay. Excellent.

Yeah, yeah. All right. That's not quite as bad. And generally, thanks. Although I have had student teachers, too. No, teaching assistants are actually awesome. I got a couple of friends who are teaching assistants. They're great. They're incredible. Yes. All right. So, I keep interrupting you. Go ahead. So, I generally have between five and seven each year. Right now, I only have three who are a little short-staffed. However, I have one right now.

She's kind of throwing me for a loop. She kind of just says off-color things, which I've stopped in front of the kids. But she'll say things like, well, does anybody have some bleach water I can drink? Or guess I'll just go take a bubble bath with a toaster tonight. Or I just think I'm going to go kill myself. So she stopped saying those in front of the kids because I thought that. But she said that in front of a couple teachers recently. So then they came and talked to me.

So then we had a meeting with my principal. We kind of talked about professional language, you know, and, you know, what it looks like to be professional. She's 21. She is young. But she just says, you know, her her comeback is this is just how I cope. This is how I cope with life. My question to you is, is that really like is that a coping skill? Should I be more concerned?

I just like I mean, she's just putting me a little bit on edge because of what I do for a living and the kids I work with. Absolutely. So, number one, you're good for you. Thanks for, I'm glad you had, I'm thinking in my head, yeah, this needs to be escalated, have a professional conversation here. The, I don't buy that for a second. This is how I cope. Not even for eight seconds, not for half of one second.

That's nonsense. There's professional behavior and then there are cries for help. And so my first thought would be, yeah, bring her to your office, maybe with the school counselor and you went with the principal, awesome, and have a very direct conversation. And here's how I handled this.

When somebody makes, let me back up. I used to make that joke too, a lot. And I thought it was so egregious and silly that it was me just being off color, right? Just being like, oh man, I might as well just go, whatever. I can't even do it as a joke anymore because I've been around it so much. But when I was 21, 22, I did that all the time. I thought it was funny, and it wasn't. And it took a couple of people intervening.

It may have been one of my lead high school teachers that was like, dude, that's not funny. Or it may have been me just dealing with that situation and realizing this isn't funny. But all I have to say is I've been there. It's not a coping mechanism. When somebody says, I might as well go drink bleach water, here's what I'd do. Or I'm going to go ahead and just take a bath of toaster in it or something like that. I call in the, how do we say it? Cavalry.

Is that right? The cavalry. I would sit somebody down, take them directly out in the hallway and say, I need to know right now, are you going to hurt yourself? And let them know I don't play around with this stuff. And I would have a card that says, here's resources. If you are feeling like hurting yourself, I want you to call somebody. And if I hear this again, I'm going to call 911. Okay.

I'm going to ring every bell I have because you keep telling me that you're going to kill yourself. And y'all had the professional conversation. I think next is time for a write-up. This is not funny. Okay. In a context with traumatized children. I'm telling you as your supervisor, I don't think this is funny. And here's the thing.

Let's take suicide out of the conversation. It could just be fart jokes or like butt crack jokes. I think those are hilarious. I've been told probably not in this meeting. Don't do that. You know what I mean? And so I can, I'm didn't have a choice to make.

Am I going to keep this job or not? That makes sense. It's, it seems so simple to me where you are brilliant and you're empathetic. And to do the work you have to do, you have to have really firm boundaries. Where is this getting sideways with you? There's a part of you that feels suddenly on edge. Where is that?

Well, I guess so. Do you think she might be serious? Well, I have asked her point blank and then she'll be like, no, I, I just, yeah, I just, I'm always very careful, like to be very direct with her when, when this has come up both times. Yeah. But then I just like, I just, because of what I do and because of the position I'm in, I mean, I'm, I'm taking care of other people's kids. Like, I just want to be very sure that, you know, the people that are in my room are, you know, that they can do their job. Absolutely. That they are absolutely, you know, they're clear-headed because we get in some very unique, precarious positions, you know.

Things really get moving in my room sometimes. So I got to make sure that people are. I handle those. Like, I've been in a classroom. I've been hit in the face before by a high school student. I mean, I've been in it, yes. I handle those things through off-color humor,

through laughing, through... We always, like, I've shown up to crisis scenes and we're laughing so hard. And I remember one time I was being at a scene with some folks

and we were dealing with some of the most bananas situation you can imagine. And I was laughing so hard, like my body just clicked over. And I don't, I to this day don't know what happened, but I was laughing so hard. I remember thinking if somebody sees this on video,

we're gonna be institutionalized. Like this, why are we laughing? So people handle that stuff differently, but you also have to have enough body and social awareness to not do that in front of a grieving mother or in front of a hurt child. You know what I mean?

And so it sounds like a maturity issue with me. If you think they're playing, A, you don't play with suicide, period. But if you think she's just playing and this is how she's dealing with some of the trauma she's seeing, yeah, man, it's just time for a write-up. This doesn't happen again. Not in my classroom. If you've got's just playing and this is how she's dealing with some of the trauma she's seeing, yeah, man, it's time for a write-up. This doesn't happen again. Not in my classroom.

If you've got friends or whatever. But you're not going to do that. And if you're going to hurt yourself, here's one important thing. I want to make sure I hand her a document. Whether it's a small laminated thing, the school counselor may have something. Here are resources for you to call if you need help or care. And I'm sure that with the school district, there are, what do you call them? ESA.

I mean, there's people that you can reach out to for counseling services, things like that. But, and if it's even remotely serious, I call 911. We're going to draw all the sirens, get everybody in here, and you're going to have to sit down and look at a professional and do an assessment because I'm not trained to do that. Do you feel comfortable doing that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

All right. You're awesome. Well, thank you. And tell her to call me. I would love to talk to somebody. I'd love to talk to her. That's such a fascinating excuse. I can't imagine wrapping that excuse up.

This is just how I cope. Y'all just deal. Seems strange, Lynn. Is there something else here? I feel like I'm missing something. No, I know she definitely has a wrecked home life. There's definitely stuff there. So I think she needs professional help. There's definitely stuff there. So I, I do, I think that she,

I think she needs professional help. She's 21. I mean, I feel like in some ways my hands are tied. I've, you know, I've given her direction to go see a counselor, but I can't force her. You know, like I just, there's like, I guess when you said like, it seems like I'm kind of stuck. I feel like I'm stuck because I feel like in one sense, we are her safe place. Like she comes to work because she feels accepted and loved here. And yet I know I also have to be, this is my job. And I got to be professional and I have to keep these kids safe. And so I just want to make sure I'm walking that line.

Oh, gosh. Okay. Can I say this? This is real important. Okay. Counselors. I'll even go with doctors. Teachers. Who use clients, students, patients

to prop themselves up, do not need to be in those situations. And I've worked with people closely with what you just just described which is this is their safe place she her heart is filled up because she's got a group of students who love her and will lean on her and she can be the kind of the funny one and the young one and the jokes one and oh come on you know what i mean but she's using those kids to prop herself up and that is dangerous that's how people say things and get involved in things and do things that otherwise hurt kids and by the way kids can feel that when they feel like their job is to make sure the person that is interacting with them needs to be okay kids kids can absorb that. And so if you get any sense that she, quote unquote, needs these kids, not loves them and is engaged in working with them, but needs these kids, needs this job to be okay psychologically, that's a rough place to put those kids in.

Okay. Does that make sense those kids in. Okay. Does that make sense? It does. Okay. And I know that's really hard. You said it best. You can direct her to care. You can direct her where to go, to resources.

And she's a 21-year-old adult, and she's got to make that choice. Oh, I hope she makes that choice. And you can't fix her home life and you can't save her. You can give her options and say, I love you. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to call in the authorities every time. I love you. This may not be the place for you to work because you need to get well before we put you in front of a room full of children with challenges, any sort of child, but especially children with challenges who need centered, connected, firm-footed adults in their life. Because those kids got to anchor into

something. Thank you so, so much, Lynn. I'm so grateful for you. I know this is a hard situation. Thank you for being who you are and for doing what you do. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. Let's take one more call. I feel like singing today. This is like a podcast, musical theater.

You know who'd be terrible at musical theater? This guy, not great at musical theater. Did you ever do musical theater, Ben? I never did. I did marching band. I bet you're incredible at that, huh? I was drumline. Drumline.

You look like a drumline guy. That's incredible. Good for you. Kelly? Band? No. Dance team. I absolutely can see that. I'm not even going to make a comment. Let's go to Jesse in Seattle.

I want to stay employed. Hey, Jesse, what's up? Hey, good morning. Good morning to you. What's up, dude? Hey, man. Shoot, it's crazy. Usually I hear you and a little older people talking.

So now maybe you get to hear a 20-year-old talking. Maybe you can help me out. You're 20? Yeah, yes, sir. Dude, you don't, number one, dang, you don't call me sir. I'm only 24. And that's not true.

And you sound older than 20. Do people tell you that? Yeah, and then the look, too. I kind of have a beard, and so they tell me that, too. Ugh, people with beards. You can't see me right now, but I haven't shaved, like, in nine months. I got nothing.

Oh. No, I've seen you before. I don't think I've ever seen you with a beard. It's because I can't grow one. It looks all patched out and scratched out like I've been living in the woods for a few months. Gotcha. And I don't want to get too great yes i can't grow a beard dude what i wish would be awesome so good for you i'm glad you look like an old lumberjack

congratulations thank you do you wear filson you're from seattle do you wear filson and like cool thick like plaid shirts no uh-uh no no i'm on the other side. Carhartt, jeans, boots. Oh, dude, real working stuff. Yeah, I'm a truck driver, actually. You're all the things I'm not, Jesse. So thanks for kicking me while I'm down. Sure. Appreciate it.

Sure, man, gotcha. All right, so let's see what we can do here. What's up? So I've been in this relationship with this chick. I really like her. She's great. For about seven months now, seven, eight months. Okay.

And I'm having, I'm not sure if it's still like a learning thing or I'm still trying to learn her or if it's a me thing or her thing. But I'm having a little trouble communicating with her when we're in a disagreement, when we're in an argument. I'm the type of person to, like if something's bothering you, let's sit down, let's figure it out right now. She wants to take a break. She wants some space. And it was real hard at first to kind of get used to it because I don't like carrying this stuff.

I just want to get it done and over with. But I think something else is that she'll, she'll have her space and whatnot, but, um, she, she just won't want to come back to the table and talk about it. And I mean, I think eventually, you know, we're going to have to talk about stuff and it's not something like super important. It'll be just like little disagreements and they'll just kind of blow up. And, um, I'm wondering how I can get through to her. I mean, it's kind of a, I'm not sure if it's like a deal breaker or not um i don't mean to offend anybody out there any any women's out there i really don't but i'm trying i think watch my words carefully here no i don't think you're at first i thought it was uh sort of a once-a-month type of thing.

I was trying to think of all my options, and I really hope I didn't offend anyone out there. But I noticed that maybe that's not the case. I don't know if you fit. I wouldn't say that. I mean, I wouldn't go searching for, yeah. I would take that off the table. Well, I'm seeing now that that's not the case anymore.

It could be a little bit more often, I guess. Maybe not often, but more randomly. So... Hmm. How can I help? Let me ask you that. Because I'm going to start answering a bunch of questions I don't even know that you're asking. How can I help? Sure. How do that. Because I'm going to start answering a bunch of questions I don't even know that you're asking. How can I help?

How do I, I guess, how do I communicate with her when we have a disagreement? Okay. So, do you like this young woman? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love her. Okay. Does she like it when you call her my chick? I've never called her that. Oh, just to me?

Yeah. Yeah. So here's what I've picked up in a few minutes of just talking with you. You're super capable. My guess is you can fix stuff. My guess is you're strong. You clearly have a beard, for God's sake. You wear a car heart, which is just awesome.

You're able to just fix stuff. You're secure. And it's hard when you're working in a car. There's not a car that you can't fix. You can just solve it. And so now you've come up against somebody, and your way of solving things is to fix things. There's a lug nut that's missing. Let's replace the lug nut and get on down the road.

Hey, the car needs gas. Let's put gas in it. I don't know why we have to discuss this. Let's put gas in it and move on down the road here. And your girlfriend's behaviors to me suggest she doesn't feel safe with you. She doesn't trust you, and not in a you're going to cheat on me kind of way, but in a you've already got her figured out, and you're the smart one, and you've got all the answers, and she just needs to get on with it. And what she's trying to communicate and she doesn't,

she's not trying to communicate this. What her body is communicating is I need some space. I'm not okay. And I feel like if I tell you what's going on, you're just going to say, well, don't think that way. Just do this.

And is that fair? Yeah, no, yeah, it is. No, it is. And is that fair? Yeah, no, yeah, it is, no. It is. And she does come around, she does say stuff like that.

Yeah. So, and then when you throw in like, oh, it clearly can't be me. It must be that she's having a period. Or it clearly isn't like a, I mean, there's the answers right there, clearly. So it must be that fill in the blank. All of this is, is somebody's alarm bells going, that guy's not safe. And I still love him. And I still want to be around him. And so safety is not, you can't fight people. I'm sure you can. Safety is not that you don't earn a living.

You clearly do. Safety is like, if something breaks, air conditioner breaks, that guy can help me out. Great. What I'm talking about safety is the amygdala part of somebody's brain. Human connection. A sitting down and being quiet and saying, tell me what's going on.

And I'm not going to try to solve you. I'm not going to try to give you all the answers back. I'm just going to listen. Now, can she be bananas and bonkers and fighting about that? Of course, man. But she's done all the fun with me. Only person I'm talking to is you, right?

So to go back to your original, original question, man, I've been with the same person for 25 years. We've been married 19 and a half of them. I'm still figuring out ways to communicate. We're still working through that. That is part of a relationship. You will change over time. She will change over time. And you're constantly negotiating what communication looks like. The greatest gift you can give somebody is safety. Meaning if I tell you what I'm really feel right now, you're going to go, thanks for sharing that with me. Not, well, that's stupid.

Or why don't you just do this? You tell that guy, he just needs to, that's not what they're looking for. They're not looking for your answers. They're looking for your connection. And that's hard for a bearded Carhartt dude, right? It's hard for me who has no beard and has these wannabe Carhartt pearl snaps on right now. I would love the same thing. It's hard. And I will tell you this, brother. I've hurt my wife with my charts and my graphs. I've hurt my wife with my charts and my graphs.

I've hurt my wife over the years by ignoring how she feels and ignoring the thoughts she has and her emotions and just trying to get to quote-unquote answers. Because I found out a few years ago, she's way, way smarter than me. She doesn't need my answers. She just wants me to be with her. Does that make sense? Yeah. So my question for you, my answers. She just wants me to be with her. Does that make sense? Yeah. So my question for you brother is, do you even want to be with this person?

I mean, I absolutely do. Do you like her? I know I'm young, but I do. Do you love her? Yeah, I do. Okay. So, do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship with her?

Well, I guess big picture is the thing and I'd rather be with her. Okay. Because what I'll tell you over time is, A, that wasn't a very secure answer, but I'll just go with it. Over time, right is going to be through connection. Will there be moments you have to say, hey, look, this guy is for real blue? Yes. That's just not every time. I don't think this is a deal breaker at all.

I think you need to reorient yourself that you're not the smartest, strongest, baddest dude in the world. And that she has something to offer you, not vice versa. Am I way off? Tell me I'm way off. You know, not vice versa. Am I way off? Tell me I'm way off. It makes sense. It really does. It clicks with me, but I'm kind of worried if

this is going to be an always type of deal, because her family is like that. There was this one time and I picked up on it really quick. I was on the phone with her and I kind of heard like some yelling in the background. I guess her younger sister was like arguing with her mom.

She comes from like a mom-dad family. And I guess her mom and her sister were arguing and it was like kind of like they were kind of yelling at each other. And then I kind of asked her, well, what happens next? And she's like, well, they never talk about it. They just go on. Because days after she told me something like her mom was picking up her sister. I was like, her, well, what happens next? And she's like, well, they never talk about it. They just go on. Because days after, she told me something like her mom was picking up her sister.

I was like, oh, they get along now? And she was like, yeah, no, they yell at each other. They have their fights. And then they just never talk about it. And they go about their normal lives. And so I kind of went kind of, uh-huh. Like, is this possibly, maybe this is what she's used to. Is this kind of like where it's coming from or is it still, I don't know.

I just thought maybe it was worth saying if this was. It might be. It for sure might be. And here's the deal. You're bringing stuff from your past to this relationship too. The difference is you've judged yours as the right way and hers as the wrong way.

And what I would suggest you do is to stop saying either or, and y'all develop y'all's way. And some of that will be you sitting down with her and creating an environment where she doesn't feel like you're going to judge everything that comes out of her mouth or beat her up with your charts and your graphs. Because you can have violence in a house two ways. You can have violence with facts and you can have violence with silence too. And she haunts you by just walking away and saying, I need some time. It haunts you, right? And you haunt her by saying, well, just quit eating that.

That's why you're fat. And I just made that up. I don't think you'd ever say that. Please tell me you don't say that. Okay. I'm trying to be egregious here, but people say, no, I'm just telling the truth, man.

I'm just saying like, here's how you solve that problem. Well, dude, there's not the, yes, you're factually correct, and that hurts people. You know what I mean? And so your answers can be just as painful for her as her silence is for you.

And so instead of saying, I have the right way, I was raised the right way, and I can see from the way your parents did stuff, man, you got it the wrong way. And I don't know if I, man, you can look at life like that. I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna be lonely. Or you're gonna have all these answers. You're gonna have all these figured out.

You're gonna spend a lot of time on the internet. Or you can come down and say, man, in my house, we just did it like this. Tell me about how you did it in your house. And we get to create how we do it in our house, which means I'm going to have to learn that when you come and say, hey, this happened at work today, you're not asking for my opinion on what to do next. You're just inviting me into your life. And you're going to have to learn that when I'm frustrated, I want to have a conversation sooner rather than later. And you can't hide from me.

Does that make sense? Yeah, no, totally. Yeah. And so I want you to approach this with humility, not with, I've got this figured out and she needs to know if she's going to get on the

Jesse train. It's less about, is she going to figure out the right way that you do things or are y'all going to figure out the right way that y'all do things? And the way y'all do things will change over and over and over again throughout time. Now, hear me say, does she need to take a break? Yep. Does she need to circle back and have conversations and face things head on with you. I think that's healthy and I think that's wise. Yes. I do. I don't think that's a stick to beat her up with, though.

I think she's going to have to learn a new way of doing things. And I think you're going to have to learn a new way of doing things, too. Would you agree with that or tell me I'm crazy? No, yeah. No, I agree. So will you stick by her side while she learns a new way to love somebody? Absolutely, yeah Will you commit to her

To learning a new way to love somebody too? Yes Will you never, ever, ever As long as you live Bring up her periods again As an excuse for why she did something? Ever No, I won't.

Ever. I won't do that. Ever. And this is just a personal thing. It's probably because I have a daughter, dude. But I don't know, dude. Don't call the girls chicks. I don't know.

Maybe that's cool. I don't know. I don't know. No, I don't call her that. Well, you do. You call her to me. Call her. I don't know. Call her whatever. I don't know. I'm trying to think of things't call her that. Well, you do. You call her to me. Call her, I don't know, call her whatever. I don't know.

I'm trying to think of the things I call my wife, and I don't know. Treat her with the utmost, deepest respect, as though she was created on earth just for you. And love her like that, not like a puzzle to fix or an engine to tune up. And then in a year, if you find out, man, I've cherished her. I have dug deep in Jesse. I've tried to figure some stuff out. I've tried to be a little more quiet and a little more honoring and a little more.

Tell me how that feels, man. Thank you for sharing that with me. Absolutely. And try that. And if after a year, dude, that's not a thing, or after two months, six months, like, dude, this is too much work that's great that's why you're dating

y'all aren't married but my guess is you're gonna find a lot about Jessie and you're gonna find a lot about her and dude can I ask

can I ask you one more quick question I know we gotta wrap up sure are you scared of how much you love her? Um, no. No? Uh-uh. No. Because sometimes I've seen

guys in your situation come up with reasons to leave somebody before they get left. No, I don't think I'm on that boat. She's all in on Jesse? I think so. I know so that boat she's all in on Jesse I think so I know so awesome so try this and then shoot me an email and tell me that was the stupidest thing

I've ever done I want you to call her today and say listen I talked to you don't have to tell her you talked to me or you can say hey I think that for the last 6-7 months I've acted like I'm right all the

time and that you've got all these problems. And I want you to know that I love you. And I'm going to start doing a better job of just listening to you. And I'm going to do a better job of hearing you out and honoring your space. And here's the magic words. I want us to go have breakfast somewhere and talk about ways we could communicate better with one another and just be quiet and see what she says. She'll probably faint and you'll have to hang out for 15 or 20 minutes

until she comes back too. My hope is she'll say, man, that's awesome. Let's go to breakfast. She may say, you're an idiot and I want my old bearded truck driver back. That may happen. That's her prerogative too. But man, if you can practice letting her teach you what safety feels like for her,

man, she'll be willing to have those hard conversations. She'll be willing to lean into some of that hard stuff. And I'm not saying get soft. I'm not saying be like, no, dude, this is hard. I'm saying is y'all co-create what this thing's gonna look like together. You're a good man, Jessie. She's lucky to have you. Never talk about periods and chicks again. All right, good. That's the last time I'll say that. All right, as we wrap up

today's show, man, I literally just grabbed this off the top. Didn't even set this up. This is the first rap song I ever learned all the lyrics to way back in the day when I was a small child. It's off the King of Rock record. By the Kings, Run DMC. The song is You Talk Too Much, and it goes like this. You talk too much. They say that a bunch. Then he goes, hey, you over there, I know about your kind. You're like the independent network news on Channel 9. Everywhere that you go, no matter where you're at,

I said you talk about this and you talk about that. When the cat took your tongue, I said you took it right back. Your mouth is so big, one bite would kill a Big Mac. You talk about people you don't even know. You talk about places you never go. You talk about people you don't even know. You talk about places you never go. You talk about your girl from head to toe. I said your mouth's moving fast and your brain's moving slow.

You talk too much and you never shut up. I said you talk too much. Oh boy, you never shut up. I love Run DMC. And I love you all, good folks. See you soon on the Dr. John Deloney Show.