The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

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So I talked about role playing or just, you know, having sex in a different place in the house because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable, it's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting. What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is Jon of the Dr. Jon Delaney show. Glad that you are with us. Saving minds and say, we're not saving anything. We're just trying to figure out what's the next right move for people who are struggling and hurting all over the world The shows about your mental and emotional health your kids your marriages your dating relationships, whatever you got

And I'm grateful that you reach out people call from all over and they are Brave and they're honest and I'm super grateful you want to be on the show give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And what's up, Kelly? We have a special holiday today here in the booth. We do the great and powerful Ben Hill, best known for the lead singer of the band Dump Button, which is just incredible. Also, the lead

singer of the band 90 Day Plan, because he's a multitasker. It's your birthday, dude. Happy 21st! Thank you. Yeah, it's a drinking holiday. It's a drinking one. This is a big one, dude. It is. It's a big one. How old are you? 33. 33. So if you slap it up, flip it and reverse it and go back to like 16 year old Ben, is this how you drew it up? No. None of this. My wildest dreams couldn't imagine this.

Yeah, just sitting there in headphones listening to my voice while you edit and edit and edit. Most people don't know this show is about four hours long and you have to make it into about an hour show yeah me and Sarah just pulling pulling this together Kelly well dude happy birthday man thank you you have anything fun planned going to Kentucky for a family get-together Thanksgiving next couple days and I don't know if I could draw up a less fun birthday party for you I'm still thinking about it all right well I still remember we went to the under oath show last time and it was that was rad off the chain all right

let's go to Alberta Canada and talk to the great Tara what's up Tara so my question would be how do I get my husband to be interested in trying new things in the bedroom? Tell me about tell me about what you're working on So currently in my relationship, I'm the one who wants to be intimate daily I'm the one who wants to spice things up in the bedroom I've talked to him about this and he feels like I'm implying that our sex life is boring because I'm asking to try new things I assured him that I don't find it boring because I'm asking to try new things. I assured him that I don't find it boring

and I would just like to add some variety. And I've talked to him about it, what I'm interested in or would love to explore. I met with disinterest or a no. He says he's fine with what we're doing. And I feel like we're just kind of at a stalemate. Ooh, huh. So when he pushed back, I'm interested in this little,

it's almost a derailment, but I think we may find some answers here. When he pushed back and said, oh, so you think this is boring, tell me about that interaction. So he just implied that, or he felt that by me sharing that I just wanted to try new things,

that I was implying that he was boring or not a good lover and I was like no no and I tried to give him an analogy of when our kids try new foods you know they can't say they don't like it if they've never tried it you know they need to try it first before they can say yeah they love it no they don't and so he understood the analogy but he was still kind of like that's not the same thing and I'm just not interested. So give me some examples of some things you would love to try.

So I talked about role playing or just, you know, having sex in different places in the house because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable, it's private, why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things, it's private, why would I wanna have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting.

Sure. And so for him, I think he's just like, why would I do that? I'm fine with our bedroom, you know, where we don't have to worry about our kids walking in. And I think he just likes the privacy of it. So underneath that, I hear somebody saying, hey, I wanna add some life to our life.

And he says, no, I'm good. Where are other places in his life where you see him, for lack of better terms, I don't wanna overdramatize. I don't wanna connect these two closely, but where he's dying in his own skin, he comes home and he just drops his backpack down and he grabs a drink and sits on the couch or he goes outside and he's like, Hey, and then he goes in the bathroom for 30 minutes and scrolls on his phone. Like, is that the case?

Do you watch the guy that you married slowly, um, I don't know, losing life force if you will? He would say like he's just not a guy that's excited about much. Like even if we have a trip planned to like Disney World or whatever it is or daily things, he's just not excited. Like he just doesn't get excitement, um, which I don't really understand. Excitement for him. Has he never got excitement? Or is this new? Not really. Okay.

Cause whenever, I always want to look at trend lines, are you seeing him become something over time that is starting to make you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want a different kind of life? Or is this the person you've known, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want a different kind of life or is this the person you've known, always been with and you realized, okay, I want to recreate, I'm not recreate,

but I want to rebuild our relationship into something new. Will you come with me? Right? Yeah, I want to rebuild something new for sure. Okay, that starts with you being honest. And I think the honesty is, I I mean that's hard to say like hey I want to try some new things in the bedroom and especially Depending on what culture you're in that can be really

Vulnerable for a woman to say that and then to be turned down Right because you're trained your whole life All guys want is this sex all the time and it has to be crazy and what and so then you find yourself like Am I the only woman I know like I want to do this all the time and it has to be crazy and what and so then you find yourself like am I the only woman I know like I want to do this all the time I want to do it every day I want to do it in different rooms I want it like I want more and more and more and you begin to ask yourself what's wrong with you is that fair right okay so let me ask you that same question where where are you finding yourself dying in your own skin? How long have you been married?

I've been married for 17 years. 17 years? Do you got kids? Yes, we have two. They're teenagers. Okay. So do you have this moment where it's sinking in like, oh, this is my life? Or do you just want wild signs?

Yeah. I guess everything just feels, I guess a lot of people, it just feels very mundane. Like every day is the same. You go to work, you, you know, tend to your kids, you make dinner and every day is kind of like a repeat. So it's, it's like in a bedroom, we can do whatever we want. We can have fun. We can, you know, it should be playful. Um, we can do anything and it just feels like if that's also mundane and also the same, it's just like, it'd be nice to try something new and feel excitement, I guess. Yes, like you have put your finger on the pulse of, I think, ah, man, 95% of North America, right there.

Like, so much of our life is bills, going to work, getting kids to soccer, getting kids to school, and whatever, and we shut the door. We have our own hour and a half just to play become somebody that we don't have to be all the time try things laugh get awkward like whatever and it can be gut wrenching when your partner says nah I don't do that yeah but that means you have to be honest talk about the thing beneath the thing That means you have to be honest, talk about the thing beneath the thing, which is you're not a guy who gets excited about much.

I get that. I'm suffocating in the world that we have co-created together. Will you build something new with me? And I know that his first impulse would not be to have sex on the kitchen table or just to walk in when the kids are gone and rip your shirt off and like, and like show some initiative, right? That wouldn't be his first impulse. But the question is, would you do that for me? And if he looks at you and says, no, I won't, then that's the deeper conversation. Because that is not just about sex. That's about playfulness, life.

That's about a marriage that is going through the motions. And the bedroom is just like, it's just the alarm bell, right? And I've talked to him about that. And I've shared what I'm interested in and whatever. And he said, I'm just not that guy. If you want me to do X, Y, Z, I'm just not into that, or that doesn't do anything for me, or that's cool that you're into it, but I just not that guy. Like if you want me to do X, Y, Z, like I'm just not into that, or that doesn't do anything for me,

or like that's cool that you're into it, but like I just won't ever do that. Like I'm not that guy. Like, you know, role playing does nothing for me. I don't want to pull over on the side of the road and have sex in the car. Like I just, I'm not going to do those things. And so then I just feel like I kind of have to.

Is there some common ground? On things that we would do together? Or are there baby steps? So maybe there's not pull over on the side of the road, but when the kids are in bed, we'll be a little bit risky and we'll go downstairs and have sex in the car in the garage. Yeah, he wouldn't want to. Because he's like, that's not comfortable. Why would I do that?

He doesn't even want to have, you know, he doesn't want to be intimate downstairs because again, it's like what if the kids get up to get a drink of water and they hear us or see us, or he just doesn't want to have risk at all. But for you, that's part of the spice, right? That's part of the like, yeah, we could get caught. Like the old days, like when we used to make out, we could get caught, right?

And like that's part of the feeling alive again. I guess what I would tell you is I'm worried about the trajectory. And here's why I'm worried about the trajectory of your marriage. What you did was a pretty vulnerable thing and I'm not saying that and this goes both ways, both genders, right? So normally and I'm instead of a bell curve here, although this is shifting radically right under our noses. Historically speaking, it's the guys who are like, I just want to try some cool stuff, I want to try new things and she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't.

We're seeing it more and more and more and more where women are like, dude, I just want like, it's my husband that won't have sex with me over and over. I'm hearing that over and over again, whether it's HRT, I mean, whether it's a hormone replacement and testosterone, who knows what it is. But you did something pretty vulnerable, which is you sat down with the person that you were testosterone, who knows what it is. But, you did something pretty vulnerable, which is you sat down with the person that you said, I'm with you forever, here's what I need. And he said no.

And not only did he say no, he said, I'm not even gonna entertain it. Meaning, I get if you were like, I want you to dress up like a cop and come bang on the door and scare the kids Like I get him being like man I'm not comfortable that my fear is you're going to run into somebody at an after-school event They're dropping your daughter off and you're gonna get the sense right away Or this person's adventurous a little bit flirty and that's when you enter the text and that's right

So you head down a road man, which I hope you don't do I hope you have the integrity not to do that, but man, it just sets a table for it Yeah, and I told him that like like this is you're the only person I get to do life with like I don't get to do this With anybody else. I can't speak, you know what I'm desiring outside of our relationship and I wouldn't do that And so it's like this is in so it's like if he's not willing not interested It's kind of like I I have to, I guess, mourn that it will just never happen. Like, I don't know.

I think for him too, sex is deeply uncomfortable to talk about because we both come from a conservative background. And so to even talk about it, especially for me initially, and to be vulnerable, like you said, and to put yourself out there, it's terrifying. And so for him, he's like like man you you're comfortable talking about sex I'm like not really but like I'm tired of keeping it inside like I need

to say something also y'all made kids but I can't wrap my head around this just uncomfortable to talk about you know I've made y'all made humans you made kids you built a life together and to have a thing that we can to talk about. You all made humans, you made kids, you built a life together. And to have a thing that we can't talk about or feels unsafe to talk about, I think that's the pulse. That's where I want you all to go get with a marriage counselor and go talk about that. Because here's the question you begin to ask yourself,

beneath the, why doesn't he find me attractive? Or why won't he try these things that I would love to try in the bedroom? Beneath that it is, what is it about me that makes him feel like he can't talk to me about stuff? And that's deeply intimate. Like that's identity, right?

Why is there secrets that he can't tell me or won't tell me? And for him just to say, for anybody just to say, eh, that's just weird, I don't wanna talk about it. You've been married 17 years, I've been together two decades. I just don't buy that excuse. Obviously don't do things you don't feel safe and comfortable with in the bedroom, get that.

Obviously, every long arc of a relationship, people are gonna try stuff that initially they're like, I don't even know how this is possible, but okay. Right? That's every relationship. And you have to find that balance. And it's a balance of this is too far uncomfortable for me, or this is way out of my comfort zone, but you and I have come up with a safety plan and we're going to make this.

Okay. All right. All right. I mean, like every couple navigates that. Everyone. Right. And I would even go as far to say is not no one is ever one thousand percent like all yeah, like Everyone's super a hundred percent in like right? Mm-hmm. You're co-creating a thing together What I would say that I find distressing here is the lack of willingness to talk about it. It's just a shutdown Right, that's his I guess that's his thing is if we're talking about something hard,

whether it's sex or whatever it is, he just kind of shuts down or just engages or just kind of leaves the room. Whereas I'm the person who's like, let's talk about this now. Let's dive into it. Let's fix this. Let's repair. And he's very much the avoidance. And that to me, that's a, that's a fear of intimacy. That's a fear of if she truly knows me, if she knows how little I know or how scared I am, or she truly knows me, she'll leave. If she truly knows me, and it wouldn't surprise me if he comes from a highly performative childhood, like you will sing and dance, and if you sing and dance incorrectly, and you don't make mom and dad look great then you pay a price for it. And so

you learn over time I don't do hard things, I'm doing uncomfortable things, I shut this system down. I'm off, I'm out. And when you decide to do life with somebody you decide I'm gonna gently and safely if it's okay for both of us, if it's safe for both of us, we're gonna open these cans back up because that's the only way you don't starve the other person for affection. And for everybody listening, this call starts with, I wanna do more adventurous things in the bedroom.

We're the only one we're ever gonna have. Let's try some wild things, let's have some fun. Like, I love your words, let's be playful. Let's elevate the boringness and let's have some fun. But that's the symptom of a bigger conversation, which is, I don't talk about money. Hey, I need you more present. I'm doing best I can. Hey, would you ever be interested in trying this in the bedroom? I don't talk about that kind of stuff. And that's what drowns relationship. The actual acts that happen in the bedroom is a, it's just a, it's blinking lights on an alarm, right?

It's their traffic lights of, are we both flying down the road together, arm in arm, built something new, built something rad, no breaks, all gas pedals together. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey good folks, listen, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories that we were born into.

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Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm doing pretty good. So my question is how do I look forward to having kids? So more specifically, I'm 26. I've been married for about three and a half years And I've watched my friends lots of my friends have their first and second babies and it just does not look fun Yeah, yes, and I guess what I would say out of the gate, I would say fun can't be your metric for life.

If you're asking the question, is this fun, you're never going to go through hard times in the gym that get you stronger. If your questions are, is this fun? You're never gonna like have mind the depths of your marriage because the only way you get to the other side where you feel tethered and united with the person is you have to go through hell together. And it's so it's so I think until you shift your metric It doesn't look fun. I mean just look at it on paper. It's a bad algorithm. It's gonna cost you money.

It's gonna blow your marriage up for a while. It's gonna change your sex life. I mean, it's gonna change all the stuff. That's just what I don't like. I mean, looking at my situation specifically, like I have overbearing in-laws. I've battled insecurities with my body all my life. I just graduated with my

masters and I'm just so excited for my career and like you said it's a terrible investment. And everything that goes into having a baby just feels like an uphill battle and I'm just dreading it. I'm dreading it. Except, let me push back. What life you've painted. Do you mind asking how old you are? I'm 26. Okay, 26. Yeah, you told me that.

So, I'm going to tell you something as an old man, mid-40s, okay? Okay. Your generation, and I'm responsible for your generation. I was an educator for 20 years in high school and universities, okay? I'm responsible We told you guys That the path towards a great life was the avoidance of painful things

If you have body if you've always had body image issues I have to my whole life and I can't hold a candle to what women go through. The path is not avoidance of bringing like watching your heart grow a new chamber as it wraps around this new life. And avoiding that because of some past challenges. The work is I'm heading straight through that body of mischallenge. Your overbearing in-laws are going to be chaotic and overbearing. Why don't you have kids? Where's my grandkids? I can't believe you married her.

Oh my gosh, she's too, she doesn't look right. She's not going to go away. It's going to amplify either way. So the work is not to avoid the in-laws, it's to go right through it. And that means you have to have hard conversations with your husband about are you going to still be mommy's boy or are you going to be my husband? And when it comes to career, dude, career is amazing. Career is amazing. And career has become a drug for the modern, like Western world to avoid the hard, messy, gritty reality that is depth and life.

What did you get your masters in? Accounting. Accounting. So you're gonna go get- I just recently also passed the CPA exam. Congratulations. So you're gonna go, are you gonna go be, work at a big firm or are you gonna go do boutique stuff?

A big firm, big public firm. Awesome. High respect for that. And the moment their executive team gets a whiff that they're going to miss a queue number, they're going to lay off 10% of you guys and they will have that job filled at the beginning of the next quarter without you. Yeah, and so and they will have that job filled at the beginning of the next quarter without you. Yeah. And so on the other side,

my God, I can't do the math. The math doesn't work. And that leads me to believe that, kind of like this, I heard a famous attorney once say, you never use a gallon of milk to measure how far something is from something else. But a measurement in a gallon is right. It's a great measurement when you're measuring

like milk or whatever. Or when it comes to like how much tequila Kelly drinks on a regular basis. Like you measure gallons, it's good. But you don't use a gallon to measure how far a football field is. Similarly, algorithms are good. Math problems are good.

That's not what you, that's not the measurement you use. You talk about creating life. And here's what I can tell you. Here's what I can tell you. The data tells me that yes, your marriage takes a dip. But it takes a dip if your metric is fun and your metric is quote unquote happy, which I think happy is cocaine and cotton candy. I don't think that's even a good metric. And it also takes a hit when couples are not intentional about understanding that our life

is going to change and it's going to be different. Most couples have a kid and they keep saying this phrase, I just want to get back to the way it was. Instead of recognizing, I can't believe we get to make what happens next. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. So I can tell you, just just personal, it's just me. I have one regret in my life.

And that's that I didn't have more kids. That's it. I said some stupid things I wish I could take back. Actually, I regret a few of those. I've heard some people. But globally speaking, I wish I had more kids. And that's just me. It's not for everybody, but I am

I just don't believe a person can fully understand their capacity to love something or someone Until they are staring at a reflection of themselves in their hands Until they're staring at a loved one a kid whether through adoption whether through personal kid It's just amazing and it will cost you money and you'll lose sleep. You won't progress as fast in your career. And all those things are true. So let me ask you this. Why are you asking the question?

I mean, I also grew up in the church and, you know, like every girl's dream is to be a mom. That's not true. Every girl. Bad churches tell you a mom. That's not true. Every girl. Bad churches tell you that, but that's not true. And so it sounds to me like you're watching your friends suffer. You've been told this message by me

and countless other professors and friends and family forever. And you're haunted by, I want to have a kid. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like you're trying to make it make sense because that's what you want to do. Am I wrong? Yeah, I mean, it's, I mean, it's the only thing I can hold on to is like, you know, with being a Christian, you need to get married, you need to have kids so then you can

carry on Christianity through the earth. And that's what we're called to do. We're called to be fruitful and multiply and carry on, you know, and I come from a great family and my husband's family is great. Let me free you from this. God's a big boy. He can take care of himself. He's got things figured out. If you believe in God, you have to believe he's got things figured out. Yeah. So the question is, who are you gonna be when you walk into that accounting firm? If you're a person of faith,

who are you gonna be as a mom? Who are you gonna be as someone who says, as for me and my house, we're not gonna have kids? I think that's the theological answer that most people have to wrestle with. I want, like, when I picture life, I picture when they're 16, when they're 20, when they, when they're adults, when, you know, but I don't picture, I can't see, I mean, I see awful, me doing awful things when they're, you know, a week old screaming in the middle

of the night, they've been fed, they've been changed. They've been everything, every need they have has been taken care of, but they won't stop crying in the middle of the night. And I'm, you know, sleep deprived and exhausted and, you know, and I understand that like, you're never going to be sleep deprived until like truly sleep deprived until you've cared for a baby like so I Just that part of their life. I can't and it's the very first part the very beginning and it's years so just hard mentally to like Get passed or be okay with yeah, I get that I

get passed or be okay with. Yeah, I get that. I get that. And you're not wrong. Because I can accept when they're 16 and they're being a brat. Like I can handle that. I know I can. I can learn how to do it. Yeah, but yeah. My kid's getting close and I thought I was already. And it's like, man. But here's the thing. The math isn't going to work out.

There's going to be trying to preempt scary times and hard times and frustrating times in any job, in any relationship, in any endeavor is a fool's errand. Because A, you never know how extraordinary it's gonna be on the other side. And our bodies are designed for, but what if it all goes wrong, right? That's how our bodies have survived all these gajillions of years. And with some intentionality.

So as you're talking, I'm thinking, yeah, we're gonna give that overbearing mother-in-law a role if she wants it. We're going to not include that overbearing mother-in-law, but I'm gonna have three high school kids that come over and spend the night with me sometime so I can sleep. Like I'm just thinking of one solution after another after another that kept my family's head screwed on straight.

Can we walk through some of those? Like I just solutions, I guess, I just don't know what they are. I guess. So the first one is, no woman should be alone with a crying baby. And that's the way we've built our modern Western society. That a brilliant, like, competent, amazing woman comes home, she's pulled from her job,

she's pulled from her social circles, she's pulled from her spouse, and she sits in a box with a screaming toddler for months, sometimes for years. That's insane. That's never happened in all of human history. For all of human history, there were kids and cousins and grandparents. There's actually some pretty remarkable conversations

around, I say conversations in the literature about grandmothers. Like what's the utility? Like once a like if you're if it's pure biology, right? Like reproduce and that's the species that like why would grandmothers hang around? What's the point of being alive post menopause? Why doesn't why didn't nature just end the life of a woman when she couldn't bear kids anymore? Well come to find out anthropologically having wise older women who are there to participate in like whether it's wisdom and in the modern world whether it's like my mom who's still a professor whether it is hugging

hurting kids whether it is taking care of nurturing whatever it is there's roles to play for everybody and And so your adventure becomes, I know me when I'm sleep deprived. I know me when there's a screaming kid and I can't do anything about it. So instead of avoiding the whole thing, I'm gonna head straight through it. Okay, what must be true then?

Does your husband want kids? Yes. Not today, but yes. Have you sat down with some older women that are a couple years ahead of you and just said if you had to do it all over again, would you? And not people who are with one and two-year-olds because they're still like square in the middle of it. Yes. And my mom, she worked, she's a nurse, she worked when we were little. And yeah, they say it's a terrible investment, but it's worth it.

But I guess I just... As an accountant, that doesn't make any sense. I get it. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of women at the church we go to stay home and they don't have careers. Because that's their dream. That is their career, being a mom. And that's what they love to do.

But it's not been my dream. It's not my dream. Okay, so here's your homework, okay? For your whole life, you've been listening to other people's shoulds, have to's and you have been comparing yourself to people's bodies, to people's attitudes, to people's spirituality, to people's interpretation of what God wants them to do, to their dreams. You've been comparing yourself forever. What I want you to begin to practice is having the courage to co-create a new world with

your husband where y'all decide, and if you're people of faith, informed by your faith, right? But y'all decide what kind of world do y'all want to inhabit. And when y'all decide that, no decision is fixed. And so every decision is six months, is three months, is one year. And if you say, I want to keep working full time, great, keep working full time. And if three months in, you're like, this is the worst decision, I want to go home,

then go home. And if you're like, this is the best thing for me. I love it, we have an amazing nanny. My mother stepped up and she's taken those old nursing skills. She's the best. Stay at at home like it's amazing awesome But here's the thing y'all get to decide and nothing is fixed Nothing is forever. Y'all get to change your mind all the time build something new build something new build something new

But I want you to begin to think what do I actually want with my one reckless wild precious life? It's the new year it's my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year let's focus on fewer more sustainable goals and better systems and let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul.

Let's start with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend HALO, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it. HALO offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Halo has some amazing daily prayers and one of Halo's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time there there's even something called the Daily Minute.

Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. So start the new year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now they're offering 3 months for free when you join at hallow.com slash deloney that's hallow h-a-l-l-o-w dot-com slash deloney for three months of hallow absolutely free. Alright Kelly you're looking at me through the glass. I think that I think you did a great job on that no question and as a mother a mother, I know where you're coming from, but I don't think having kids is for

everyone. I think you're right. Yeah. I think you're right. I think that there are some people that for whatever reason, shouldn't, can't, don't want to, whatever. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now as a woman, if you say like, I don't want to have kids, that's hard because we're supposed to. You know, because there was a point in my life, because I've known, you know, since I was a teenager that I couldn't biologically have children, there was a point in my life when I was okay with that. And I remember, but it's like, but the, you know, what's your purpose, basically, you know, for living. And but so that's hard as a woman to say that I don't want kids because I think you get a lot of

flak, but I just don't think it is for everybody. I think men get that same flak. I don't think we talk about it the same. Probably. No, we don't get the same flak. That's not true. We don't get the same flak, but we get... I think you just get flak either way. Right. Well, you're damned if you do. Damned if you don't. That's right. So yeah, I think there are people who sit down and think it through and say, this is not for us. And I'm always going to honor that high five all the way to the end of time. But I do think that our generation sold them part of the algorithm that wasn't true. Does that make sense?

Like what do you mean? It would be like if my parents grew up dancing and they loved dancing and they were they were not great at it but they weren't dancing every weekend and I'd always hear them banging around the house and they got home laughing carrying on and then in high school I took dance classes and every time I went out to dance class they sat us down and said, hey, if you do this, here's what's about to happen. And they painted this picture using ulterior metrics, wrong metrics. This will happen and this will happen and this will happen and this will happen. Geez. Okay. I'm

not doing that. I got to, I don't want that life. I don't want that life then. Cool. I got the message. I don't want that world. I don't want to exist there there and then you sit down and you meet somebody you're like hey do you want to go dancing it's like no no no no no I have talked to the experts and they have said this happens you run out of money you how many time you don't get to do art anymore you don't get to do this you your career goes away all these things that aren't objectively true they're just false but you paint this picture about it and then people say well it's just not for me. Totally get that people's right to do that.

I honor that all day long. And as from a house that, man, we tried to have kids and it was horrific. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, right? Been there, I totally get it. So what I'm saying is not everyone has to have kids. What I'm saying is I think there's gotta be some ownership that we told people to use this calculus and it was the wrong

Calculus what I should have looked at when I'm back to my dance analogy Some some guy in a classroom can give me all the well, here's how many calories you're gonna burn Here's what's gonna do to your hips and here's what's gonna do to your toes. They can give me all that stuff And then I could just remember back to how much laughter and joy and warmth was filled my home growing up when I watched my parents dance, right? And when dad blew his knee out and all the rehab and all the whining, like, by the way, my parents, if they ever are dancing, I'll know where the apocalypse is upon us. They don't dance.

So is that making sense? Yeah, I'm picturing you in a tutu now, which I'd rather not. You always picture me in the weirdest stuff. You got told you to go see somebody about that. Trust me, it's not my choice. No, I get it. And I understand that. Every time we have these calls about kids, I always get lit up with memes, emails and

questions and that's fine. Yeah. And like I said, as a parent, I understand where you're coming from on it 100%. But I also know it's just, it's not for No, yeah, we don't want it to be for everybody I mean not because it's exclusive to only these people but some people shouldn't Some people millions of millions can't can't yeah, and I mean I understand that you know ours are adopted But some people just want to be the best aunt or uncle and we need those people. Right.

You know? Well, and that goes back to what I was saying earlier about, man, there's a, there's, just if you decide this, decide don't do it alone, right? Find the aunts and uncles and teenagers and neighbors and grandparents and, and I know there are people who listen to the show and say, I've got nobody.

Okay, that's your work then. And that's not a popular thing to say, but that's your job then to go find some people that you can breathe with. Right. And that makes sense. So yeah, I get it. Well, I feel like I stepped in it. No, I don't think you stepped in it at all. I just wanted to mention that little piece. And again, we talked about this before. For those that are sitting out there right now, they're like, I have no desire to ever have children.

My husband and I are fine and they're okay with that. And they're fine with it. And the beauty is they get to decide that. They get to decide that. And I keep looking at the economic data. The birth rates are declining all over the world because people are opting out of having kids and there's people starting to ring the alarm bells like Me a strange new world we live in but alas, there's a lot of people on this earth a lot of people

Maybe a few less than a horrible thing Alright, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Adam Adam save me from myself. What's up, brother? Hey, so I'm calling today, I am a public school teacher. I teach high school. God bless you. Coming back to it after I know, I was just sitting here talking about all the kids. I'm just thinking, Oh boy. Um, you think you can handle a 16 year old, but until you have, Oh, but, uh, yeah, so, um, this is my 10th year teaching. I took a three year break. Uh,

went and did some other stuff for a while and decided to jump back into it. And I did, I'm working at a much bigger high school than I've ever worked at. And these kids that they're coming to school, they're dealing with so many things, divorces, family members dying, friends dying, I mean, just life, Life happens to them too.

How do you navigate that with a kid in a classroom? You know, when they're going through something heavy and you know, that's probably the reason they're acting out or whatever the case may be. I mean, how do you work with that? Like, what are some strategies that you can, I can take, it's like it's the adult in the room to try and give that kid the space and the opportunity to work through whatever's going on while also, you know, helping get them where they need to go. Gosh, that's such a blessing, man. Thank you for asking the question.

I wish there were more teachers out in the world like you. That's pretty awesome, brother. Well, it just hit me one day. No, it's incredible. And I count my few years of teaching high schools to my favorite years I've ever been alive. It was hard. I got hit in the face. I mean, it was wild. But man, I loved it. Right., um, my initial thought is this, how far up river can we get relationally so that when these things occur in the life of a young person, that regardless of what's going on at home, regardless of what's going on in their lives in the world. They know of one.

Sturdy adult. That both knows them slash sees them and. Holds them to a standard. And so most schools get this wrong on either side of the teeter-totter. It's all emotional, it's all relational, which is great, but kids know when they're not doing their best. And kids know when an adult hugs them and says, it's okay, the kid knows it's not. And so what we tell kids is we lie to them and they know it.

They know it. And then the other school says, I don't care what's going on anywhere, anytime. You will do this work. And just a basic understanding of Maslow, like I can't do algebra if I don't have any food at home. I can't do algebra if I'm playing defense because dad gets drunk and beats the crap out of all of us. And I'd rather him hit me Than mom and little sister Right, and so I think the middle is this something as simple as

everyday school starts and for two minutes 120 seconds Kids write in a folder my wife actually taught me this from her college students They write in a folder. My wife actually taught me this from her college students. They write in a folder. How's home? How's school? How's you? Something simple like that. And obviously needs to be age appropriate. But what you'll find is, and here's the annoying part because you don't have any more space in your life you respond to every one of them yeah right even if it's as simple as you're a blessing thank you for sharing I see you I got your back I'm watching you change in front of me

it's amazing right like what happens is it's boring it's boring it's boring it's boring and then you open one of those folders up and it's boring, it's boring, it's boring, it's boring, and then you open one of those folders up and it's like, my granddad just died. And you never would have known it. You just would have seen that kid pull their hoodie over and put their headphones in, and you would have yelled at them, get their headphones out,

and they would have thrown their phone, and it would have been a whole thing. And then the other side of that is, when you've shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up, and by the way, the writing a thing right before class, that's a little thing. I mean, that may not be appropriate for your school. So I'm just thinking of any number of intervention strategies that somebody can implement with the main goal being, I see you and I know you're a whole person outside

of this classroom. You step out in the hallway with somebody and if they're smaller than you, you take a knee and if they're not, you look them in the eye and you say, I'm so sorry. You feel safe to give me a hug. And then you look at them before you head back in and you say, hey, you can't have those in there, you know that. And they laugh or they cry and they take their headphones out and they put them in because they're held to a standard But I don't think you can have accountability outside of relationship

I agree and then here's the suckiest part you have to have a very ironclad plan you and your wife To deal with the amount of secondary trauma that all teachers hold on a daily daily basis Because no person was designed to carry that much pain. But those kids are bringing it to your classroom every day. Yeah. Yeah. So what does that look like? Everybody does it differently.

Some people walk, some people go lift weights, some people go to a therapist, some people go to church. Some people do all of those things. Some people get home and they put their phone away and them and their spouse just go for a walk, no talking. Give me an example of what some of the things your kids are going through. Well, so,

man, there's, I have had kids who they've lost, like siblings this year. One of the things that's also occurred recently is there's a student who passed away not too long ago and that's impacted a number of the kids from the school. You know, I've had a young lady who's told me that she probably one of the greatest things that has been said to me is she told me that last year she tried to commit suicide. And she said that I asked her like, well, if you would be, if you feel that way again, will you tell me? And she said, absolutely.

You seem like somebody I can tell that to. And we actually had that, she had that conversation with me a few weeks after that she's okay now we referred her to you know, we got her the help they needed but she needed but I Mean an amazing testament to Your ability as a teacher, but but deeper than that just your ability to Be a guy that kids can feel that I trust that guy.

He cares about me. He wants me to be okay. Yeah. It's pretty cool. But it does accumulate over time. It does. It does. It does.

So if you've ever listened to this show, you know, I'm always telling people to write letters. I was just a dumb 21 year old, 22 year old. That was the very first time I ever enacted that was when I had a class full of high school kids and one of their classmates died by suicide. And it was horrific. And I passed out papers to everybody. And I said, everybody, I want you to write him a letter. And I read all of them. And it was one of the most important shapeshifts for me and It changed the tenor of my classroom

Because I commented on them I talked to folks there was two or three of the kids that were really personally struggling deeply and so we could connect them to Counselors, but I remember it being a really important connection point Because they're never gonna raise their hand in front of their classmates and say certain things but they will write it down and I was a goofy I was a goofball teacher anyway but being a goofball I'd built relationship with them over the course of a year so when that moment came we were checked in that makes sense did you think it matters whether they write it by hand on

paper or they type it? I mean is that baseball? I think there is something, there's some research about the kinetic importance of writing that when you lose the connection between your head and your hand it changes things. I'm not smart enough to tell you yay or nay. I think there's something important that says, I think this's something important that says, I think this is a life lesson that we are communicating in the, at the 30,000 foot level, high school kids, middle school kids, elementary school kids,

and college students, that there is a life before and after this class. Take two minutes and exhale and check in with yourself where you are. And so I don't think that can be done with a screen. It's too distracting. It's designed to, for the exact opposite sensation than that, what I'm trying to get from them. Yeah.

And so I think there's something powerful about all screens down, all phones over, pull out your folder. And my wife did this awesome thing too with her college students that I stole and did it with my college students. I did it even with my doctoral students. In that same folder at the end of the class day, she had three columns on the page and the students had to grade themselves. I think it was one to five on a Likert scale.

How was your participation today? How was my class? And how would you, what's one thing you learned today? And I'd go through an initial one, just to let them know I saw it. But it was amazing to me how many students would honestly represent, like they would score themselves. Like I gave myself a two today. I didn't even read the assignment coming in.

I'm sorry, I'll be better. I'll be on it next time. But just knowing that people were cared enough to ask changed the dynamic of the classroom. And occasionally I would learn something. I came unprepared today. My mom's in the cancer ward and I went to see her last night and get home till late. Man, now I can check in after class, shoot an email to them, let them know, hey I'm gonna extend your deadline this weekend, don't even have to ask. Like I could do some things around grades and connectivity and things like that. Yeah, but it was amazing what just write me a couple of lines and

letting them know week after week that I'm checking in on it, what that will do. Sometimes it's just initial. Tell them, if I initial it, great, that means I saw it and I love you and I care about you I like it I like it good to me a lot of folders but bro so many folders the other thing that I like about the folder and again there's a thousand intervention strategies this is just one of a thousand one thing I loved about it was they also got to decorate it how they liked. And people would put crazy stickers on them, write sayings on them. I would encourage that, especially the beginning of a semester. Bring whatever your wild self to this thing.

There'd be hunting stickers and deer stickers and like metal stickers and whatever. Like bring it and decorate it up. Don't do anything inappropriate obviously, but decorate it up. And that was a cool way I got to know these students right away. Like, oh, I know, I was you growing up or I knew a guy like you and that's pretty cool. And this guy's gonna be just a box of turds and I can't wait to get to know him

because he's gonna be fun, right? But whatever it is. So I think it's, at the end of the day, how can in the context with which I live, how can I develop relationships and respectfully and with compassion hold the accountability line as often as I can? There is moments when it's like, hey, I need you to step out of class. You can listen to your headphones out there.

I know your world just blew up. That's very, very, very rare. But if you go too far on the, it's okay, honey, I'm just gonna pat you on the head. You don't have to do anything. Kids know that we believe, oh, you're not enough. The other side of it is like, keep going and just whacking them with the old three foot ruler. Regardless of what's going on in their life, this lacks compassion. And students will sing and dance for you, and then they will cut you out of their lives forever. And I don't want them being in a place where they learn to hate learning.

All right, I want to tell you about my favorite cozy earth. We're just into the new year, and for the past month, my sleep was all screwed up. I was spending more and more time on screens than I normally do. I was traveling all over. I felt out of place. And here's the deal. Starting the year off right starts with good sleep. And that means creating a space that helps you actually rest.

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All of this with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering up to a 40% off discount code exclusively for Dr. John Deloney Show listeners. That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. All right, we are back. And don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app where the show is hosted and you can download the Ramsey Network app and you can get this show a week early

Comes out on YouTube Subscribe do all that kind of stuff and it comes out on podcast What do you say when it comes to podcasts subscribe to podcast is it right? Follow follow I don't know Yeah, but if you're on the app if you're on the app it just comes out straight on the app You can get a week early and there's an episode of United States of Anxiety where I flew to Connecticut and met with somebody she was awesome and she worked for we worked walked with her for 90 days it's pretty rad so you can check that out too so go check out the Ramsey network app happy birthday Ben make good choices thank you no guarantees as as this lead singer of

dump band would appropriately say and And Kelly, happy Thanksgiving. Hope it all works out for you. I can imagine you being one of two things. A bundle of joy at Thanksgiving, or good God, let's go outside and throw the football. I'm joyful. I can see you like kind of coming unhinged and having like a, be like a great hang at Thanksgiving.

I love the holidays. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to my husband's family and I love my I love them. We have fun together. So great. Fantastic. Anytime somebody says two superlatives about themselves, I'm great.

Fantastic. Wonderful. Like Tommy Boy. Good. Great. Grand. That means they're lying. Best of luck to you, Robert's family. Holidays are here and Kelly's coming.

We'll see you soon. Hey what's up folks? Big news! The Dr. John Deloney show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right, you can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part? It's completely free!

Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.