The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband’s Lies Are Costing Us Our Home

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A wife who just found out her husband has been lying to her ·       A man deciding if he should reveal his dad’s secret ·       A woman struggling to make friends as an adult Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  Get the exact same green and red powder that I take every day. Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.  Need a training plan? Accountability? Coaching? Trainwell has you covered. Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been with my husband for about 14 years. I just found out he's been lying to me for a year and we're about to lose our house. Unfortunately, it's not the first time he's had some financial scruples in our path. This isn't a scruple. Yeah.

You lost your house. I guess that's true. What happened? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show. So glad that you're with us, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show.

Go to johndelaney.com slash ask real people all across planet earth going through real stuff. The zoo out there and and my promise is, I'll sit here with you, we'll figure out what's the next right move. So go out to Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Zerk. What's up, Zerk? Oh, you know, doing all right.

I guess probably not great since we're on the phone, but. Probably, probably not. What's going on? I'm calling because I am, I've been with my husband for about 14 years and, um, probably about a week now. Um, I just found out, uh, he's been lying to me for a year on some financial big problems and we were about to lose our house and

Oh no, no, no. Yeah. Um, found out cause he came in to grab paperwork. He wasn't going to tell me until I was like, Hey, like what's going on? And he's like, Oh, um, I guess you should sit down and care to file for bankruptcy because we're about to lose the house. Oh no. I was like, oh, that's what?

You know, and unfortunately, it's not the first time he's had some financial scruples in our past and it was kind of a blow and- This isn't a, hey, hey, Zerk, this isn't a, this isn't a scruple. Yeah. He lost your house. What happened? This isn't a, hey, hey, this isn't a, this isn't a scruple. He lost your house. What happened? I mean, fortunately for right now it's in stasis and there's some things in place that

hopefully we can. I know, I know, but what happened? Does he have a, does he have a gambling addiction? Does he, is he just, what's happening? Well, he lost his job about a year ago and like, so we luckily he got a new one fairly quickly but he says he just like didn't pay attention and Nope, not true. What happened?

I don't know. That's what he said. And so he just didn't pay attention and he got behind and got behind and But that's all the info he's given me. I as of now he's like giving me control of all the tenants. I've taken over, I've combed through it and I don't see anything. But I just... Well, hold on.

That's the other side of cowardice, right? There's one cowardice which is not telling you that I'm about to lose the house. And dude, I get something happening and then something happening on top of that and then the shame and trying to scramble and solve it all on your own. I totally get that. But eight months ago, this was a huge deal and everyone was blowing up his phone. Six months ago, they were setting his phone on fire and his email on fire. So there's no way you just don't know. Right.

And I But then the other side of it is here, I just set the entire house on fire. You put it out and that's not right either. Yeah. And that's what it feels like. Cause you know, now I'm, you know,

and I offered when he lost his job, I'm like, Hey, I will get a job. I'm, you know, at the time I have like a small business that I do, but it's very sporadic and, you know, the time I have like a small business that I do but it's very sporadic and you know and doesn't bring in a more of a hobby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So here so geez there's so much here. How can I help? Well, the financial aspect is devastating, but it's kind of handled at this point like I'm getting a new job and I'm gonna work like crazy night hours and you know, come home take care of I've got three kids and so, you know, that portion is I hate to

say manage but I mean at this point. Is he getting another job and another job on top of that? No. Why? Like I don't know. I, he's worked long hours and his current job sends him out of the state a lot. So I have to tell you, I've been doing this for a long time. Yes, you do. And I hate that for you. You do. Well, I've gotten another like, I work for like, the Amazon doing packaging right now. And then I just got another like I work for like the Amazon doing packaging right now and then I just got that And then I've got another interview for another job

It's gonna happen with your kids They're flexible and I've got some good friends that are gonna watch them So and like I said I work on all of my shifts my shifts in the evening to the grave. Yeah, but that's temporary at best. Well, unfortunately, I've done this before, like I said. It's not the first time. So here's, can I just walk you through the things that are on top of my head right now? I don't even know what you're asking, but it sounds like you're just asking everything.

And so I'm going to answer everything. Is that okay? Yeah, mostly it's like the emotional aspect of like, how do I trust this person again? You don't, you don't. Short of him, short of him coming to you on both knees saying, I have betrayed you in the deepest way, in the deepest possible way, you and our kids. Short of that, you don't.

And I'm going to be honest with you, and I'm saying this because I love you, you can't. And if you choose to do that again, to put all of you and your children's eggs back in his basket, at this point, and I hate to say it like this, but it's gonna be on you. Right. Cause this is, yeah, it's not the first time, not the second time, and this one, if it hasn't, it almost cost you your home, your children's home.

Y'all about to be homeless. Right. Yeah, I mean, geez. I'm just like, I, you know, so livid and- I know. And then just the first couple days he was kind of like so cowardice about it, which irritated me so much. I know. Yes.

Because he was like, oh, you're just going to leave me, so I might as well just go and- Yeah. And I'm like, And I get, I can't even wrap my head around the shame he feels. And also I honestly don't care. He's created a huge, huge mess and to dump it on his wife and just bail. I mean, it's just the highest form of cowardice. So here's the deal.

We're not going to talk about him and we're not going to think about him right now. And we're not going to go back to a year ago or any of that. Right now you have, and I don't even know if you recognize, you have a house on fire, kids asleep inside the house, got to get them out kind of situation right now. That's how dire this is. Okay. Here's what I want you to do. You may have already done this, but I don't want you just to run blindly and get the first job you can get and then just start. What I want you to do is exhale

and write down how much money do we need. Yeah, I've done that. Okay. Can you make that much money? Yeah. Okay. Have you pulled both your credit report and his credit report? I'm in the process of doing that okay now do pull all three of the reports for each of you

And you there's websites you can go to and it'll just it'll just pull it up real quick, and they're all free Okay, okay. You need to know how bad the situation is I? Also want you to pull credit reports on all three of your kids using their social security number Okay, and see if there's any kind of debts he's pulled out on their names, too Okay, okay. The next thing I want you to do i'm so mad because this happened to me as a kid. I know I know I know You're not dumb, but from this point forward, you got to make some hard choices, okay? Here's the next thing.

Go down today and open a checking account in your name only. I've done that. And I've pulled all the money from him and now I'm paying all the bills and all that. Okay. You're going to have to get the list of people you owe money and call them and ask them how bad it is I've done that already. Okay. How bad is it? It's not as devastating and it's we have there's a credit card and then this the house I Can't be it

That's what I keep thinking but I can't find anything else and I have a lawyer on it but There I mean I'm telling you that would be this this would be the first for me and I take financial calls on the Ramsay show my other show for like For half a decade now it well my guess is just off top of my head There's one of three things there is a The he's got swept up in what I think is is one of the most insane things we have ever done as a culture and that is online legalized gambling.

It's massacring men right now. It's bankrupting homes. That would be guest number one. Guest number two is he's on the road a lot. He has somebody or multiple other peoples that he is funneling money to And that's where I would go back to your checking accounts and go through expenses Are there hotels places are there? vacations places

This is a person who is so untrustworthy. We're gonna start at at ground zero All options are on the table right now start at ground zero. All options are on the table right now. Okay? Or number three, he is struggling with some sort of substance abuse that you don't know about. Okay. Okay? The idea that somebody paid all of the other bills, has no outside things happening and just let their house go to foreclosure with their three kids in it would be such an anomaly. I've never experienced it. Moms and dads don't do that.

Husbands and wives don't. I mean, I'll just say this because I'm one, good men don't do that. Right. Unless they're caught up into something over their head. Well, that's what I literally had in the savings enough to like, if for some reason he did miss just a payment, I could have just paid it in cash. I know, I know. But listen, going back and doing that's going to just make you crazy. Oh, right.

And that's why I'm like, I have tasks. I just need to focus on the tasks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Task at hand is how much money do we actually need and your house comes way before credit card? Okay, right. How much is it gonna take to get your house back up to current? Oh Oh, it's gonna take Five years at minimum five years Yeah, it's like it was thirty five thousand or something

But I mean you're assuming his is his check still going to come in too? Yeah, yeah. It's going to take you five years to get 35,000 back? It's like a bankruptcy plan. Like you can't pay early. Oh, God. But you just have to pay on the plan. Why did you why did you file for bankruptcy?

Because it was the only way to save the house because the house was going it was on the market to be foreclosed on. Oh man. All right here's what I'm going to do. Literally in two days it was going to be sold. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to um oh yeah don't hear me beating you up for those decisions I just hate that you're in this position and you're just having to make the... I know, I know. You're hanging on barely. I got it. I'm going to hook you up.

I work at Ramsey Solutions and my other show that I do is a financial show. I'm going to hook you up with one of our financial coaches for a free coaching session with them and I'll pay for it, okay? Oh, thank you. And they'll walk you through your budget. They'll walk you through all the different various... Because I don't walk you through your budget, they'll walk you through all the different various, because I don't want to take all the time here to walk you through all the various bankruptcy options and all the different plans, but they'll map you, do number one

next, number two next, and number three next, because right now it feels overwhelming, right? Yeah. Okay. Sure. Like I said, right now it just is like, I feel like that stuff is managed, but it also just feels like I live in an eggshell city right now. I know. You feel like you live in a prison because you're trapped now.

Yeah. You live in a $35,000 prison. Yeah. Yeah. Again, if there's no credit issues or whatever, I'd rather you go to a credit union and borrow $35,000 and get this house right than to go through some sort of forced bankruptcy program.

But sit with your people, okay? Something, here, let me just say this. Something isn't above board here, and I don't know what it is. And that's what I keep begging and asking, and he just says, that's it. Man, I cannot tell you how much I hope I'm wrong. That's what I keep saying.

Like, I'm like, is this, like, am I just insane? No, you're not insane. And I think you've not trusted your gut for a long, long, long time. Right? Yeah. Because also, even if this was just all above board, a guy losing his house underneath him and the shame he feels and trying to scramble, you would have felt that in your house the last year, right?

Oh, for sure. Over a year. I've just, he's been off and extremely just, and I just thought it was a stress of like his other work and then redoing that but... What's he make on his other job? About 25 to 35. And then he gets overtime so then he makes a lot more. 35,000 a year? Yeah.

No, excuse me, a month. Or twice a month. $3,500 twice a month? Yeah. So he makes $7,000 a month? Yeah. So why do you think this is going to take five years to get out of the... Oh, because of the forced plan?

Correct. Okay. Well, even if y'all scramble and scratch and claw and get $35,000 and put it in a high yield savings account, so you know you've got it. Right. And that will give you some, some exhale. And I would scramble and get that as fast as you possibly can. Right. scramble and get that as fast as you possibly can. All right. And that'll give you some peace that yes, you're in this forced plan, but at least you've

got that money right in a secure account that he does not have access to. Yeah. But if you want to save your marriage, I mean, y'all are starting to square zero. Yeah, and that's like a big portion of like my eggshell life right now. I'm just like, I don't know what to do. I don't know, we're done with eggshells. We are berserker, not just zerk, we're berserker,

like atomic bear mom. You're going through the middle of it now. We're not walking on eggshells. Screw eggshells. You got it? You've been walking on eggshells for 14 years. Okay? Yeah. This is Grizzly Bear Mama coming out. You're not going to take my house from me because you're inept. And you're not going to say you're my husband and then dump all this on me and then run

away. You're not going to say you're my husband and say you clean up my mess. You're not going to be my say you're my husband and then be like, well, you're going to leave me anyway. So I'm going to take my ball and go home. It's not, uh, we're not doing that. Right. But short of him coming in and getting on both knees in front of you and saying, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm, I'm, I, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever we got to do. Short of that, you're on your own here. Right. And I think there's something about dropping your shoulders and just acknowledging that for a season. Well, like, he's kind of done that, but it just feels like, I don't know if I can trust

it because like he's done that before But like look over art and it's like just gets worse every time. Yeah. Yeah Behaviors a language actions gonna speak louder than any words he's gonna say Yeah, and that's what I'm feeling but then I'm with the with you know, we're all living together still in the house and it just feels like, you know, he's like, well, you know, you asked me for my feelings and well, my thing is, you know, I want to go back to normal, but you know, normal. Yeah, he exploded normal.

So you could tell, he can tell you his feelings, but then he's got to go do the next right thing, which is I'm going to make $7,500 or $7,000 a month. Plus, the moment I get home, I'm not going to make my essentially single mother of three kids work a graveyard shift. I mean, I know you're all piling in now. You'll have to do what you got to do now. This is DEFCON 1. This is super emergency, but he's going to get home and he's going to get a protein shake

in a water and he's going to run back out and he's going to go get his second job and bring another 2,500 bucks in. And he's going to sleep in September. Right. Because this thing's on fire. He could tell you his feelings and good for you for hearing that, but it's it you feel your feelings and then you go do the next right thing. And the next right thing is you were playing matches and the house is on fire.

You got to be a part of putting that house up. Fair? Yeah, no, for sure. And like, this is my feelings. I just feel like he just and this is just feelings by their but like. I just feel like he just, and this is just feelings by Zirk, but like, I just feel like he knew I'd be like, okay, like, well, here's our emergency. Cause I'm, you know, this is what I do every time. It's like, okay, well, okay, I've got a job today. Okay, now we get a better job. And cause I just, you know, the last time we've always

had emergencies, like instantly I'm like, okay, well, here's, I've got it. I'll put it out, you know. You need to get with a couple of friends and if you're a person of faith with your minister at your church and sit down with an attorney and decide if I wanna still be married because you're in a very unsafe situation.

In my world we call this financial infidelity. He's cheated on you and cheated on you and cheated on you and cheated on you. And this one almost cost your house. And I know, I take no pleasure in talking like this and I'm both frustrated with him and I understand you get buried in shame, but you gotta, man, you gotta, you gotta go grab the fire extinguisher and put out your fire and then be about repairing the house. And for you, Zerk, it's, I mean, this, not by your hand,

but in your lap, this landed in your lap and it's time for those six inch grizzly bear mama claws to come out. And this is how this is going to be for right now because he's put you in a position where you and your kids are not safe. And so yeah, you are going to have to come jump out and help be a part of the solution here. But he's not driving anymore. He doesn't get the luxury of just hopping out of the car and being like, Fine, you drive, you're gonna sit in the car and help figure out where we're going.

I'm so sorry, huns. Hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with a with a free financial coach with a coaching call and y'all can work through this absolute mess. And I'm so sorry, Huns. Hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with a free financial coach, with a coaching call. And y'all can work through this absolute mess. And I'm so sorry. You call me anytime. And if he wants to call and walk through what happened and what he can do next, I'm happy to take that call too. I'm not gonna give up on him. But man, this one's a tough one for me. And it doesn't even come close to how tough this is on you and those kids. Thank you for the calls, Erk. I'm here anytime. We come back, a man asks if he should tell his mom that his dad's chewing tobacco. We'll be right back.

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Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm good, brother. What are you doing, man? I'm just living life. Awesome. What's up? Yeah, so my question is, what do I do about my dad who's been lying to my mom about chewing tobacco. And I think it stems kind of just like a little bit further than that too, because like growing up, I think probably the earliest I started picking up on

is like storytelling tendencies was probably when I was like late elementary school, early middle school timeframe. Hold on, like storytelling, like he just- Like kind of just making up stories to have something to say. He's a liar. Is that what you're saying?

Yes. Okay. So like I tell, dude, I'm a storyteller for a living and I am always telling stories and I like that, but I try to make sure they're all mostly accurate so let's call him what he is if he just lied to you growing up all the time and you kind of caught him in that then let's let's live in that tension okay okay all right so he was a liar and you figured it out in middle school what

would he lie about um I mean, it was just like small things. So like, we would go hunting every couple of years. And when we'd be back home, or we would go to church or whatever, and he'd be talking to people and tell a story about what happened at a hunting camp, including me like in this story. And I was like, that definitely did not happen

that way at all. It was like when I was younger, it just kind of seemed like it didn't seem harmful. You know, it was just like him trying to say something interesting. Did it make you feel uncomfortable? I mean, yes. When I started noticing more often, it definitely started making me uncomfortable, but I also

was like, well, it's not hurting anyone. So I don't feel like disrespecting him necessarily is my mindset. So I don't feel like correcting him and putting these people and making them look bad. And as I've gotten older, it's like I've picked up on some other lies when he says them. But then it's also when I do sometimes like call it out or like express disbelief, it turns out that that he's telling the truth about this thing. And then when I talk to my mom about it, she also picks up on some of these lies or storytellers. And so my wife and my mom also have a good relationship and they talk a lot about how it's hard sometimes

to recognize if he's telling the truth or if he's lying about something. And that's kind of the cancer of someone who lies all the time is you don't know if they're telling the truth or not. Which makes it really, really hard to anchor into a relationship with a person like that, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And, and so I, so like the rule of the question about like the chewing tobacco is tough. So he used to chew tobacco when he was a lot younger. And then like my mom takes pride in the fact that she like made him quit your, I think it was probably like almost 20 years ago. And I never really noticed it when I was younger. I didn't really notice it until probably a year or two ago when it was blatantly obvious. Because he was doing it around me.

So hold on, let me just get right to the thing. How old are you? I'm 25. Okay, you have no business carrying your father's deception. Let's just get right to the thing. Like, how old are you? I'm 25. Okay. You have no business carrying your father's deception. Let's just go that way. I'll care if a dude choose tobacco or use nicotine products or whatever.

I even use some nicotine product. Like, that is the least amount of worry here. The worry, the question you're asking yourself is, I'm 25 years old, I'm married, how long do I have to keep carrying my dad's? Dishonesty and the answer is no more Yeah, yes, honestly, I don't really care that he does it The only thing that bothers me is that he's like hiding it from my mom

Well, I mean, but is your mom asking you and my brother into it. Well, yeah I mean, that's just I'm not gonna carry your crap and if he turns and goes, oh you really that's just, I'm not going to carry your crap. And then if he turns and goes, oh, you really told your mom, like, dude, I'm not going to lie for you anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think that, yeah, I think the big thing I struggle with is like, do I tell my mom or do I not tell my mom or do I confront my dad? But my problem that I keep on coming back to every time I think about confronting him

about lying to my mom is just like, I feel like I have no place to stand because that lying that I grew up with, kind of like I caught on to that too. And for the first four, I mean, I'm still working through it. But for the first four years, I lied to my wife about all kinds of things. So trying to-

All right, make a commitment. Listen, make a commitment right now. I'm never gonna lie again. And here, I know it's easier said than done. So here's the path forward with your wife. Here's what I used to offer my students. Because by the way, I grew up not telling the truth all the time too. All the time.

Okay? That's why I'm such a maniac about it now. Growing up, I mean, when I started working with students and I did student conduct for like 20 years, whenever a student would come in and I would call them on something, I would always tell them at the end of the meeting, like, hey, were you selling drugs here? Were you cheat on this? Or did you just get arrested for assault?

Or whatever the thing was I was talking to him about in my role as Dean of Students, I always said, after this meeting, you have 24 hours to come back. Cause I know this is hard. And I gave him 24 hours. And I said, if you come back and you tell me like,

hey, I'm sorry, I freaked out. I told you something that wasn't true. Here's what really happened. I'll count it as though you told the truth on the front end because I'm trying to teach people how to feel like I got to be dishonest real quick and then go do the next right thing. Okay, so sit down with your wife.

Does she know you've lied to her for the first four years your marriage? Yes, okay, so Let's say we're coming up with a plan. I'm never gonna lie again and If I catch myself lying, I'm gonna come back within 24 hours. I'm gonna sit down I'm gonna apologize and I'm gonna tell you what really happened Okay But this is the sins of a dad going down to his son and it's up to you to stop it. You can't blame him, you can't put it on him, you're a grown man now, you just get married,

you're walking through this, make a commitment, I'm going to be radically honest. Okay? And part of that radical honesty is I'm not carrying other people's dishonesty either. I'm not going to do it. I don't care if it's my dad, it's my mom. Now I would not, this is just me dude, you can do what you want. I would not call my mother and be like, I've got to tell you a big, deep, dark secret about dad.

What I wouldn't do is if it comes up somewhere and you hear your mom going, I'm just so proud of your dad after 20 years, still not, you'd be like, yeah, he does. He does it all the time. And so what I'm not gonna do is just go seek to unwind all these things that I think were lies and judge the past, but I'm not gonna carry any dishonesty moving forward.

Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. I guess then like by committing to like not anymore, like, so I guess like if he does it around me, that I just had to like find the strength to be like, you can't do that around me and lie to my mom. I don't know. I just have to think.

Do you really think in your guts your mom doesn't know? I feel like she's probably getting hints more because she talks about it And about how she made him quit like way too often for someone to not be doubting that he totally quit Yeah, I mean if he's I Mean you can do what you want to do. I mean it the core issue here is you feel less than because of your past issue here is you feel less than because of your past. Let today be day one. I'm never gonna lie again and when I catch myself I'm gonna humble myself and go make it right. And what will happen is you'll realize two things. One, I don't have to lie about stuff. I'm a good man and I wish I made more money. I wish my car was fancier. I wish I had some cooler stories but I'm a good man and I wish I made more money. I wish my car was fancier I wish I had some cooler stories, but I'm a good man and I'm gonna I'm gonna traffic in integrity. The second thing is

Make it just a point of Your new identity as a person who only traffics in honesty and integrity I'm just not gonna let people lie around me. So I'm careful guy dips around you cares It's when he says hey, don't tell your mom say no. No, no, no, no, no, I don't do that anymore, dad. I'm done with that. If you don't want me, I'm not gonna hold secrets between you and mom, period. Oh, seriously, you're gonna tell your mom?

Yes, I am. I'm not carrying your dishonesty with mom. That's up to you. You're a grown man. And every single young married man I know has some sort of moment like this with his dad. And it might be integrity, it might be, hey don't tell your mom, I don't hear stories about Mike. There's always a thing politically, religion, there's always a moment when a son's got to stand up and say, as for me

in my house, dot, dot, dot. And that's where you are, man. That's where you are. And so, the tobacco here is way not the issue. The issue is you're tired of being around an old man that lies to you all the time. You're tired of being stuck and feeling like I'm trying to be a person of integrity.

I'm trying to stop lying to my wife, to my friends and family. I want out of this, like this way of being. And yet I feel like I'm participating when mom is like, you know, I'm so proud of him. So yeah, if she says that I'll be like, mom, he totally does. Totally does. And that's just you know, I'm not keeping your secrets. I'm not doing that. By the way, if he lies about this, he's lying about other stuff. And that's

not for you to get in the middle of and play referee and play judge and jury, but it is for you to say, I'm not carrying y'all's crap like that. No way, Jose. No way. Sorry, brother. The thing you can control here is I'm never gonna lie again. Proudly for making that turn, dude. Get radical about it. Have all your friends and your family know, dude that dude is a straight shooter. Make sure to call man, we come back, a woman asks if her difficulty in making friends is genetic. We'll be right back.

The show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Dudes, the world feels like it's falling apart and while it's all crashing down we're all under huge pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together and we all know that getting support is good but we're not allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all the time and somehow they just have to intuitively know how to do it all. And men are often told they're the reason for every bad thing in the world

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Hey, how are you doing? I'm doing great. How about you? Doing well. So my question is, is my struggle with making friends genetic? And if so, how do I break that cycle for my future children? That's a fascinating question. Tell me your thought process there.

Process there. I'm really bad making friends and- Stop right there. What does that mean? What does that mean? It just means that usually I don't make good first impressions with people. And I think people kind of find me a little off putting

when they first meet me. All right, teach me about that. Like, are you awkward? Are you mean? Do you have bad breath? Do you like yell? Like I'm awkward. I'm so, so awkward, especially when I meet new people.

Like it's embarrassing. Yeah, I think it kind of comes from, I used to be really like loud and bubbly and outgoing and just time after time time people kind of told me that I was annoying and that they didn't really like me so who were those kind of me who are those people just like people throughout my whole life like middle school I went to two different high schools, it kind of happened at both high schools, and then it happened the most in college. And so it's something I kind of thought I would grow out of,

or like figure out a better way to come off to people, but I haven't really figured out how to do that. So it's like when you strike out with your first impression with someone, it feels like impossible you strike out with your first impression with someone, it feels like impossible to try to, you know, like approach that social situation again to show them who I really am. You know what I mean?

Yeah, totally. But I mean, I don't know. I think like a fun, bubbly person is like the best. Especially in this world where everybody's just like, smoking the downtown sadness, like weed. You know what I mean? Like everyone's just like, all the time. So when you say bubbly, like,

do you have good friends that aren't those folks? I came out of college with one really good friend, but she doesn't live near me anymore. And my husband has a lot of friends, so I would say I'm acquaintances with a lot of the husband's wives, but I would only say like one is actually a friend. And I think because I kind of got this message that people found me annoying, I think I kind of like closed up. And now like people only see the side

of me that I'm not too scared to show them when they first meet me. And obviously that's not authentic to who I am. And maybe they pick up on that and they don't want to hang out with me after that. I don't know. Yeah, it does. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because people feel that you're holding back and there's an energetic, it feels it's an electricity, right?

Like that person's holding something back and I don't know what it is. And most people immediately think it's them. Like when you sit down just honestly reflect with your husband, what does he tell you? Are you okay? Take a break, take a breath. I think he says a lot of the time that I come off kind of maybe overbearing or judgmental to situations. Okay. And that's really hard to hear because that's not my heart. Are you feeling, does he experience you as judgmental because you're holding back your

true joy and bubbliness and it just comes out sharp? I think it comes off judgmental because I'm a really blunt person and I can struggle to kind of think before I speak to think that maybe that isn't the general consensus on like oh that's just how everyone thinks, kind of. And I don't think it's out of a judgment or like disdain for people. I think it's out of a, like, just kind of blissful ignorance of like, Oh, I just kind of thought everyone thought that way, you know? Like it can be really hard for me to rethink situations from different perspectives. How long have you wrestled with this?

Has it been like your whole life? Yeah. There's nothing worse in the world than feeling like your true self isn't worth loving, right? Yeah. I'm sorry. It's hard. I feel like my husband's the only one who actually sees me and knows me, which is, I'm thankful for that, but it still feels isolating. Yeah

Have you been tested for see if you're on the spectrum or not? My brother is on the spectrum and we have Autism on both sides of the family. And so I've been, you know, kind of wondering that for a while, but they've always told me like, there's no way two out of four of our children have autism. And I just don't really try that. Well, they don't, number one, they don't get a vote. Number two, I've had the opportunity to work with some incredible, hilarious folks on the spectrum, but they put in a ton of work.

And it just, it's, what feels like a likeability issue, it just becomes a skills issue. And it might, and I don't, I care less about you getting a quote unquote diagnosis, but I do care. Like if there are some, you've got a repeated pattern over time that says, like, I walk into these situations joyful and like, like, people around me are experiencing me differently than I want to be experienced. And you have a husband who says, I love you and I fully know you. And here's how others might experience you.

And I hear that you don't want that. You know what I mean? I just don't think something's quote unquote wrong with you. There may be some skills that you need to learn. Yeah. But here's the thing. I'm just not good at basketball, Sarah. I'm terrible at it.

I'm not. I wish I was. Like, good basketball players look so graceful and they're tall and they're lean and they're just like jump and stuff. I can't. And so I don't think I'm a bad person because of that. And whenever I retired from my church league because I kept having to have knee surgeries, but I'm going to go back this year I think, I know I'm not going to be that great, but

I will practice a little bit to be a little less terrible, right? It's just, it's a skill. And so if your bigger question is, is there a chance that you have autism on both sides of your parents' family and they've had to create a story for themselves that they quote unquote didn't do this to two of their children? And by the way, as a parent, that same sense you're feeling, the two of their children. And by the way, as a parent, that same sense you're feeling, please tell me I'm not gonna pass this on to my kids. They feel that same thing, right?

But unfortunately, that story trying to keep themselves safe may have kept you from getting some support resources that you've needed for a long time. Yeah. Give me an example. I'm just interested because here's the thing. Like you sound delightful. Thanks. And he wouldn't have married your husband would have married you if you didn't like

you right? Yeah. And I think that's almost what makes me feel crazier. It's like I'm able to like get jobs and keep jobs. I'm able to, you know, find a life partner and maintain that relationship. Like I'm able to do these things and I don't know why it doesn't translate over to friendships specifically, you know? Yeah. Have you asked people at work what they think? Well, I just started a new job two months ago. So yeah. What is your, you said you left college with one great friend. What does that friend say?

Well, she has told me that when she first met me, she was really scared of me. But once she got to know me, she realized that I had the biggest heart out of anyone she's ever met. Yeah. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. I could feel it through the phone. She's like a really caring person. Because if you were a psychopath,

when people walked away, you wouldn't feel that. But do you feel this deeply? Why did she say she was scared of you? She just said she was intimidated by me. I mean, I really, I am a very blunt and honest person. And it's so I think a lot of times people just don't know how to take it when they first meet me. Okay.

They just think that- Give me an example of bluntness. I just kind of flippantly say like, oh, well that's stupid about like situations. And it's not me trying to put people down or try to say that anyone's stupid. It just is, I just, I'm honest to a fault. You know what I mean of like not having a filter and it gets me in trouble a lot.

Yeah, I may know somebody personally that doesn't have a great filter. Yeah. And all of my team just looked up and laughed at me. Yeah, I totally get that. But I also get this, like there's that tiny little gap when you and some friends are sitting in the Sonic drive-thru and somebody says, I want

extra orange in my Coke Zero and you're just like, gross. But there's a way to go, seriously? Or to go, that's stupid. So tell me about, because both of those are honest. But there is some words, there's some series of words that it's easy to say, oh no, no, I'm just being radically honest, right? Which I like and subscribe to.

But there's also, I know that truth can be told in a way that can be digested or truth can be told in a way that hurts. You know what I mean? Yeah. Tell me about your difficulty there. I think the difficulty is a lot of times, I think what I'm saying is the digestible way.

Ah, okay. And then people kind of circle back around and they're like, hey, if you would have said it this way, I think it would have come across a lot better. And my response is always like, that would have never even crossed my mind. I could have sat and thought about it for 45 minutes and I would have never gotten to that result.

Like I don't have the ability to like, this is my goal. No, you do. I mean, I don't want you to feel defeated. You, you, you, this is something you can learn. I'm convinced. Will you, um, go sign up and get tested? Yeah. Okay. How and get tested? Yeah. Okay, how old are you?

24. Okay, can I also tell you this? Your mom and dad don't get a vote anymore, okay? Yeah. Is that cool? Yeah, I think that will take a lot of weight off my shoulders because I think I still care about their opinion too much. Yeah.

You've been caring about that your whole, whole, whole life. Yeah. And sometimes when you care about that opinion, a way to enter into a conversation trying to prop up an adult is to talk like what you think an adult sounds like. And when you're a kid bluntness can be cruel And so there's ways to tell your kids oh honey, let's go change that shirt real quick and Then there's a way to say you look fat in that go change that you get I'm saying Yeah, if that's how you grew up and that became how you interact with the world

Yet those same people also loved you then it can be confusing yeah but sister you are worth being loved hon thank you I don't know maybe the world needs a few more judgy people. I'm just kidding. All right, let me know how that testing comes back, okay? Okay, I will, thank you. All right, grateful for your call. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Helix, the best mattresses in the world.

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That's helixsleep, H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly 2.0, am I the problem? Maybe, we'll find out. All right, so Tina from San Bernardino, California writes, I have a brother who is 19 and lives with my parents. He doesn't work or go to school.

He doesn't have a license and stays up all hours of the night I find myself getting frustrated with both of my parents and my brother. I find myself thinking about him worrying about his future I used to pressure my parents into kicking him out. However, I stopped after they got mad at me. Am I the problem? No, I mean I mean you're right to worry about your brother's future and you're, you've been out in the dating market. You see that there's millions and millions of unmarryable men because they don't do anything, have any skillsets and they just stand there literally in their mom's basement playing

video games. So no, you're, you're right to worry about him. Um, I don't think this is a right or wrong thing. your right to worry about him. I don't think this is a right or wrong thing. I'll just tell you, it's futile to continue to worry about it and try to solve it and to go to bed thinking about and to wake up thinking about it. Because you can't do anything about it, right? You can't do anything about it.

So, no, I mean, what's happening to your brother is just, it's borderline criminal. I mean, it's just, yeah, it's heartbreaking. And so no, you're right to be sad. Yeah, right to be sad. I think at some point you write that last letter and you may not even send it. And then you put it in a drawer and you commit to every time you feel yourself getting angry

or frustrated, you exhale and say, I'll control what I can control. And then we're gonna go do the next right thing and have a thing in mind, whether that's do 10 jumping jacks, do three pushups, go for a quick walk around the block or whatever. But over time, your default setting will begin to shift away from constantly worrying about that situation. And my guess is you're, you're also mad about your parent at your parents for other stuff too. Don't let your brother situation be the proxy for all of the issues.

If there's other issues with your mom and dad, write them down and be honest about them. And maybe you don't wanna hang out with them anymore. I'm gonna be sad about that. Maybe they kicked you out and they're not kicking little junior out. Yeah, I'd be heartbroken about those kinds of things, right? But let's feel them

and then let's just go to the next right thing. You are not the problem. Mom and dads, you gotta let your kids go. The world is changing real, real fast and we need some skills. Real, real fast. Please, don't let your 19 year old stay at home with no job playing video games. It's cruel to the world, but more importantly it's cruel to them. Love you guys, bye.