The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband’s Lies Killed Our Sex Life

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

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I found out that my husband was having an affair. I saw text messages between him and another woman. Less than a week later, I had actually a different woman reach out to me and let me know that she had slept with my husband. Do you still think you've got to the bottom of all this? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee.

So grateful that you're with us. Talking to real people going through real challenges. taking your calls on mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. We'd love to have you on. Let's go to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Kate. What's up, Kate? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? I'm good. How are you, lady? I'm nervous. I'm excited, but I'm nervous. X, I'm nervous, too. I'm still learning how to do this whole thing. So, thanks for calling.

Yes. Thank you. What's up? Um, okay, well, so my question for you is how do I repair sexual attraction and intimacy in my marriage after an affair? Whoa. Which is a loaded question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, tell me what happens.

So I found out September of last year that my husband was having an affair. I saw text messages between him and another woman and I confronted him about it and didn't really get very far in the confrontation and then less than a week later I had actually a different woman reach out to me and let me know that she had slept with my husband. So there were two affairs

partners kind of in the span of a few months that I found out about. And long story short, I confronted him about it and he was not taking responsibility for a while. So I packed up my things. I left for a few months and then kind of gave him my non-negotiables, which was retry therapy. You know, a lot of privacies were taken away on his end and I needed to rebuild my trust again. Since then, honestly, we've been doing pretty well. We're in couples counseling and we're really trying. I can see that he's especially trying to make a real effort to repair trust. But the intimacy and the sex is just, it's not there for me. Man, that's a lot.

I'm sorry you went through that. Yeah. Yeah. How long have y'all been married? Well, we're actually pretty newly married. We just celebrated our one year a few months ago. So, yeah, I found out, you know, pretty much through the duration of our relationship up until we were married. This stuff was going on.

So he was cheating on you while you were dating. he was sleeping with other women while you were engaged and then right after you got married it was still going on huh? So he actually was having like a emotional relationship I guess I would say that was just more over text message so the first woman he was having

I guess an yeah an emotional relationship with her and kind of a sexual one over text but nothing happened and I actually know this because I called her. After the fact, I kind of like lost my mind and I called her and was talking to her about it. Okay, hold on one second. Hold on a second. You didn't lose your mind. Yeah. Right? You were doing what any rational person would do. You may have acted irrationally trying to do rational things, right? But your whole world exploded. So you wanting to know what

happened, what really happened, what's the truth? Because this guy's clearly a liar. That doesn't make you crazy. You didn't lose your mind. Okay? Yeah. Okay. And so good on you. As I'm hearing you say this and tell me if I'm wrong, do you still think you've got to the bottom of all this? So I think that I do, or that I did. I, just because, you know, after, you know, I finally came back to him and I just said, like, in order for me to stay and in order for me to even be in the same house, you have to lay it all on the table.

And I was asking questions that I knew he was going to be afraid to answer. And he did tell me, you know, the hard parts. And he's a kind of person, you know, he's very uncomfortable with therapy, with doctors, with any sort of thing like that, but he's been really making an effort and been really transparent with our therapist. Has therapy helped?

We're pretty new to it. This is only like our third session that's coming up, third or fourth session. But I really do like our therapist. And the reason I like her is because I feel like she's actually giving us tools to work with. It's not just like talk about our feelings. things therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So marriage

marriage therapy, strangely, like just weekly therapy where a couple goes in and talks doesn't have a super high success rate. Right. If they're just going to go in there and dump all the ingredients in a pot and stir it for an hour and then leave.

But the fact that you're getting tools, you all need to do, you need to do this, he needs to do that, that's good. That's really great that you have a therapist like that, right? And of course, you have to have a couple of sessions just to kind of figure out what in the world's going on here. But it's good that you all have tools. So let me ask you a really hard question, okay?

Okay. Do you want to be married to him? Are you trying to keep together an idea of a thing that you wanted at one time? I think I did want to be married to him. And, you know, there's a part of me that, like, which is the biggest part of me that I still do, you know, and I do love him and, um, it's so, I just feel so conflicted because, I mean, seriously, like, other than this, which is a huge thing, right? But like, other than this, he is an amazing guy. He's not. Like, he's not. He's not. He's not. He pulled a grenade in the

middle of your home. Worse than that, he pulled a grenade in the middle of your chest. And Like being able to see the totality, he might do really nice things and he might do good things. I don't think anybody's all bad. But you trying to hang on to, but he's so great in these other areas and he blew my life to smithereens. What happens when you try to hold that level of tension is you end up feeling like you're going crazy. And then you end up compromising what you feel. your gut. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so you can hold, here's the tension you can hold, and you may have experienced this, almost everybody I sit with who's experiencing infidelity,

whether she cheated on him, he cheated on her, the thing that is the most unmooring, the thing that makes everything feel so chaotic is that either you had just a sinking feeling in your gut for years or for months and you didn't act on it or you were totally 100% blindsided either way it's hard not to look in the mirror and say

what did I miss and when you ask that question what you're really asking is if I can't trust myself who can I trust and so affairs they blow up the trust between two people but I think more terrifying

it makes you not trust yourself. Yeah, I mean 100%. That's, I think, where I'm struggling the most is I feel like I lost trust in myself in that sense that like I didn't see any of the red flags or any of the, which I mean, I understand when you're married and you're in a relationship, like you see things through rose-colored glasses.

And so I can kind of give myself grace there. But then I also have, you know, in the back of my mind, I never thought that I would be the type of, I never thought I would be the person that like went back to someone who cheated on me. I don't think that anyone really thinks that. And I think, you know, especially in today's society, which it's, you know, I understand there's reason for it, but there's such a stigma for women who go back to the man that cheated on them. Right. And it's embarrassing.

Like, but at the same time, I... But there's also the stigma of the woman who leaves her husband. That's true. So you're trapped, right? Yeah, that's true. And so I want to clear the deck here, and maybe the first time in your whole, whole life, okay? society doesn't get a vote right this second

he doesn't get a vote your therapist doesn't get a vote your parents don't get a vote my question to you is the marriage you had is over it no longer exists and probably even more scary for you what you thought was your marriage

never existed in the first place because he was cheating on you the whole time the question before you is do I want to rebuild a new marriage with this guy and if the answer is yes it's going to be uncomfortable it's going to be

painful in certain ways and you're playing a two year five year 10 year 50 year game right or I did want to be married to him and I had a picture of marriage

and but if I'm really honest I don't want to rebuild a life with this guy you have to have the courage to say that too And by the way, that's going to be hard. So the two paths in front of you are both really hard. So I'll circle back to my original question to you.

Do you want to build a new marriage with this guy? I do. I mean... Awesome. And I will support you and cheer you on. But you have to take away the perceived eyeballs that are on you out in society. By the way, they're not on you. People are too busy worrying about themselves.

But it's your judgment of women, like you in those situations, right? Well, that's true. The fear is you're being judged as though you would have judged another woman in that same situation. That's probably true, yes. Okay. So give yourself the grace.

You can choose to do literally whatever you want to do next and nobody else gets a vote. The challenge before you, and this is very unpopular to say, is you're going to have work too. Mm-hmm. Do you want to hear what some? of those things are because they suck. Yeah, I do. I mean, I feel like he has made so much effort and put in so much effort. And I feel like I'm just stuck in this cycle of like, of just being uncomfortable even

with the smallest amount of attention or intimacy or anything. Sure. So that's kind of my biggest thing is I want to get past that. Okay. I'm going to give you a couple of tools, okay? Okay. The first one is, I want you to keep a small notebook that says curious on the first page. Okay.

Okay. And I want you to begin practicing with yourself, curious, over judging. So instead of saying, I can't believe I got all tense whenever he tried to hold my hand. Ugh, I don't even want him hugging me right now. write those things down on a regular basis but write them under curious I wonder why my body's trying to protect me from him right

and take that in with your counselor and say last night he came in to hug me and my body tinsed up I'm curious as to why my body's still trying to protect me because for the last seven months he has I've given him a roadmap on what trust looks like and he's followed that roadmap to a T and I'm going to tell you what your therapist is going to tell you.

You're going to have to practice feeling uncomfortable, exhaling, and if you truly trust him that he's working hard and he's changed and he's doing all the right things, you're going to get to a place where you start to go, oh, my body's trying to protect me from a liar and a cheater. He's not that guy anymore. I'm going to practice being held. I'm going to practice hanging on to his hand, even when my body's trying to protect me from the pain that we went through.

just a year ago. Mm-hmm. Okay. Practice sounds so unsexy and so unromantic, right? It sounds so mechanical. And yet that's the magic. Okay? Here's the second thing.

And this is really uncomfortable. How often have you had flashes and ruminated on him with this other woman? Um, so I usually don't, but when we're in the middle of sex, sometimes it will. Okay. Yeah, I'll, I don't necessarily have like flashes, but my mind goes to like, oh, he was doing this with her. That's right.

Or it goes to, I think another thing, too, is I, after the affair, I kind of perceived him as being a man who has no self-control. And so when he goes to even just like cuddle me or kiss me or, you know, and I, I immediately just think like, oh, here he is not having any self-control again, which is not true because we haven't had sex and, you know, a while, but I, it's just where I go. I just go to that immediate judgment and then it's just a cycle. And so here's a couple of things that y'all can talk through with your counselor, with your therapist, about reestablishing that safety, okay? Number one, you have to learn that it's okay for you to say, even in the middle of sex, I need to stop, and that he will honor and care for you in those moments. Okay. Okay. And he doesn't have a quote unquote right to finish when you're uncomfortable.

And part of that is you It's not a What's the right word? It's not a manipulative move on your part I'm just going to get going and see if he'll stop Like that that puts you in a person Like in a position of being a person who's not integrous right? Yeah

But I'm going to practice If I need to stop We're going to stop And I'm going to tell him ahead of time part of me reestablishing sexual safety with you intimacy safety because by the way he put you in a physically unsafe position having sex with somebody else and then coming to you right yeah put your body at risk forget the emotions and the psychology and the spirit of it all he put you physically at harm right and so i'm going to reestablish safety here there will be times when my body gets

flooded and overwhelmed. It could be visual images. It could be with just anger, rage, whatever, and I might say stop. And it's going to be important to me that you value my safety, that you value our connectivity over you getting off. Okay? And have that conversation, but ahead of time, okay? And here's the third thing. If those images pop into your head offline, It's hard when you're like in the middle of sex, right? That's hard. That's emotion. It's a lot going on there.

But you get to choose offline when you're not sleeping together and she pops into your head or the whole memory pops into your head or the him sitting at the table being like, I don't what you're talking about. You're crazy. Him trying to gaslight you in those moments. You can choose when those lightning bolts pop into your head, you can choose to go down that road and just meditate on it, like ruminate over it, have imaginary conversations. probably doing this with her. I need to ask him everything they did. You can do that or you can literally say out loud. Nope, not doing that. And your body will learn over time, you are in control of your thoughts and your actions. And it doesn't need to keep popping these things into your mind to try to protect you. Okay. You can't control the lightning bolts and you can't control the feelings.

You can't control the next thing that you do. I'm going to send you the Together app. The Together app is not designed in any way, shape, form or fashion to help couples who are recovering from infidelity. But it will give you a daily practice to lean towards him, outside of the bedroom, outside of big emotional outburst moments. And it will just say, I'm going to leave him a note on his mirror or in his car that says, I see how hard you're working. I'm glad that we're rebuilding this thing together. It will be you saying, I'm going to give him a 60 second hug when he walks in the door. I'm going to feel my body trying to protect me. And I'm going to know, you know what, nope, he's safe right now. I'm going to lean into that hug. So I'll give that to you for a year.

Hang on the line and we'll hook you up with it. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm really, really grateful for you. Call anytime. This is a long road back. And if you want to take this road, I think it's worth it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more, you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. And if you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress doesn't just disappear. It stays in your body and it shows up in your work, in your relationships, in your patience.

It shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy or seeking help, it's important to keep finding ways to get the help you need, especially when your schedules have blown up and summer is here. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the app. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch any time at no extra cost. Get the help you need.

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Thank you so, so much for doing that. Let's go to Richmond, Virginia, and talk to Not So Plain Jane. What's up, Jane? Hi, how are you? Doing great. How are you? I'm doing all right. What's going on?

Oh, you know, just the craziness of life, new marriage, new baby. Oh, wow. You're in it, huh? Yeah. How long have you been married? Yep. We got married in June last year after we found out we were expecting in March. March and had my baby in November. He just turned six months old. Oh, wow. So you're in it,

in it on every front, huh? Yeah. How's your new marriage going? It's been a bit of a roller coaster. It's been, it's been good. It's had its ups and downs, but we have a lot of strong communication and we do try to talk through things, such as sometimes there are still hurdles to jump over. Oh man Your marriage must be the only one No No that's good So how can I help today?

What's going on? So my husband has ADHD Cool And I have a hard time Sometimes feeling like he uses it as an excuse But I don't know I wonder if I'm just not understanding How his ADHD works

Or if it is just an excuse and I just feel kind of at a loss of like where to go. Oh, man. I got to put my biases on the table, okay? I think if you were to look in Claude or chat, GBT, and say, show me a picture of somebody with ADHD, my picture would come up, right? So I have a clear bias that it's a context and not an excuse, especially for adults. it's a way that my body responds to things it is a way that I see the world and I told my wife

till death do his part so it's my job to work really hard both in counseling both if I've never taken medication for it but if I like whatever I got to do with what I eat how I move how I sleep all those things are me putting money in relational I mean putting relational deposits in an account, right, saying I'm going to show up for who I said I was going to be. And it's taken her seeing, choosing to experience me in different ways than her initial default setting might have been, right? So give me an example of, so my answer to you is it's probably both. Okay. So give me, give me an example of how this plays out in your house. I mean just last night

We had an argument over It's always the dishes Which is so funny Because like this is really not that big of a deal But they end up being a big deal We had a great night We made dinner He was cooking out on the grill

He wanted to cook some extra chicken breast For his lunches for work And Who is this guy? This guy is awesome He is He really is But like as he's

getting set up to do it. I asked him if he could tackle the rest of the dishes for night. One of the big things was like bottles for our baby. I didn't have like any bottles in cabinet, needed those to get washed, asked him if he would take care of that. And we had kind had this like, he does dishes, I do laundry, kind of like a separation, but we step in and like help each other where we can, you know, if one's having a hard time with something. But, you know, it's like he got some of the dishes done. And then more than, more than dishes happened from just him finishing up grilling chicken and bringing stuff back in. And then those dishes sat in the sink and then he forgot about the bottles because he thought, oh, I did

the dishes and then I finished grilling chicken. And now I move on through my night. And like, and he owned up to it and was like, I totally forgot about the bottles. I'm so sorry. And I should have done better about that. But again, it just like, he was like, it's the ADHD. It's just like I had a task. I did the one task. Then I did the next task. And then like they were done. And I didn't stop to like think, oh, I forgot about this.

It just happened. And it's like, I guess I just have a hard time because I'm like, well, don't you stop and look and say, did I finish everything? Make sure, let me make sure I check. You know, let me make sure it's done. It's like, no, it just doesn't like cross through his mind. And like, I just don't understand that. Okay, so number one, it was exactly as I thought.

Both of you are going to have some adjustments here, okay? And this is just two people who love each other who are co-creating a new world together, okay? So I want you to know, I think your marriage is awesome. I think y'all are going to do great long term, okay? So I don't want you to feel existential about everything. For him to have said, yeah, sure, I'll do that. and then have forgotten to do that,

and then come back to you and said, hey, I blew that, let me go make this right? That took me 20 years. So he's two decades ahead of me, okay? Well, he didn't, he owned up to it after I had like angrily watched them. Exactly. There you go, right? And so, and then he went into his shame spiral,

and then his body rose up to protect him from himself. and all of the world who thinks he's a failure, right? And he's probably dealt with that his whole life. So there's that. If he was on the phone with me, I would tell him, you did everything right up until you said, oh, it must be the ADHD. Because even if it was, that additional information

is not helpful here to a wife who's got a newborn, who asked you to do a thing, that you agreed to do that thing, and then you didn't do it. the challenge here for you is twofold, okay? Number one, it is making peace with, and again, this took my wife, she was there before me, probably 15 years.

And she told me it was literally like a light switch for her. Oh, he didn't, he did these dishes, he cooked dinner, he did all this stuff, and he didn't do the one other thing I asked him to do. He didn't not do that because he was trying to make a point. He did not do that because he's lazy He did not do that because he doesn't love me Our kid our family

He literally didn't see it Or he did everything that was in his head to do And he didn't write it down And so when she switched Some people call it I call it changing your default setting Most people call it the most generous interpretation Okay

You get to choose what story you make up about why he did or didn't do what he just did. One of those stories will separate the two of you and it will bury you in existential weight because you'll feel I'm married to a child, he doesn't love us, he only cares about himself. You can go down that rabbit hole with that story, right? Yeah.

Or you can say to yourself, he missed it, I'm going to remind him. Not that he's a failure, not that he's a loser, not that once again he, but hey those bottles did you get the bottles and he'll go ah totally forgot and then he needs to learn to go wash the bottles and you jumping up and saying fine

I'll do it and slamming around the kitchen washing the bottles and then him being like like you almost like revenge cleaning right it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't make the point that you think it's making okay so I guess my challenge to you is set down the bricks of existential weight. Okay.

Okay. And you can choose to believe or not believe. Now, that guy loves us. He's doing the best he can. And he will walk through a room and not see the piles. And that doesn't mean he doesn't love us. And I would tell him, his job is to start making list of things. For a long time, I had a reminders in my car.

I had reminders on my mirror. I had reminders, and here's what the reminder said. Don't forget to remember. That was my line to myself. And here's what that meant. Like, my car would have six or seven coffee mugs in it. Right? Right, and you know that.

Is your house covered in cups and things like that too? That, well, and I'm the one who leaves bottles in the car from driving around. Okay. So I would have a sign, like a little note in my car that as I was getting out of the car, it would say, don't forget to remember. Here's what I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to forget how good it feels to get in a clean car. That feels the best. I hate getting in my car when it's cluttered.

And it doesn't make any sense to people whose neurochemistry works better than mine or their brains, not neurochemistry, but their brains work better than mine, to check before I get out of the car. Because when I get home in the driveway, I'm so excited to go see my wife and my kids or to run inside and say, hey, everybody, I'm home. I don't quickly glance over. And for somebody without ADHD, that doesn't make any sense. Why would you not just look? Right. And so I put a little note to myself. And then that would be all the pause I needed to turn and look and say, tomorrow my life will be better if I go ahead and take all these cups in right now.

Right. And so I'll tell you a gift my wife gave me that people can roll their eyes at, they can scoff at, they can say, oh, you're an infant, you're a child, she shouldn't have had to do that. Whatever you want to lob at me, I'm fine with it because it helped me and my wife accomplish the two things we were both looking for. Me, I wanted to love her will every day. And her, she needed extra support and help, especially when she was working full time and we had a newborn. and that was she would write down, she would make a list for me, especially initially.

Here's how you can love me today. And we didn't have that language back then, but it was, here's what I need tonight, here's what I want tonight. And it was my job to check that list. And especially with a baby, this is not an excuse, just a context. I didn't know what I didn't know.

Right. So for me, if I'm out of cups, I'll wash one in the morning when I'm making my coffee I'll just wash it real fast I extended that over to baby bottles and that's insane that's not how you deal with baby bottles right

that's so dumb but that's just the the logic I used in my head it was bad logic but it made sense right and I didn't even know how baby bottles worked and so her putting a quick note that just said hey here's what I need tonight was such a blessing for me

because then I could check off that list and what she got is what exactly what she needed, which is help support. And it took her an extra two minutes, and did she like making that list? Absolutely not. Did she think she needed to make that list? Nope.

But was it going to help her get what she wanted? Yes. She helped me so that I could help her. You know what I'm saying? And so he's going to have some growing up to do, some learning. And the more he feels like he's a failure, the louder those alarms

sound. Right? And so, and you, it's just tough, man, committing to not getting up and bailing him out. Right. And so both things are true here. It sounds like he's a good man who is, his brain's on fire, his body's on fire,

and he loves somebody who loves him, and your brain works different, and it doesn't make any sense to you. And that's fair and good. and right and you can choose to believe him or you can choose to beat him up for it. Right. And he can choose to ignore it or he can choose to step in and say, okay, I miss things regularly when I walk in this door because there's a note on the door that I've put there,

find three things you can do right now when you walk in this door to help your wife out. To help the house. It's not even helping her out. It's our house. It's my house too, right? Yeah. And I'm going to tell you what happened in my house. house and hopefully this will save you 10 years and 15 years and almost getting divorced a few times,

okay? Okay. I remember distinctly one time my, I was telling some buddies, like me and my wife and some other couples were all hanging out and one of my buddies said, hey, tomorrow night can you come hang out with us or something? And I said, this is very early on, my son was maybe two or three months old and I said, I got to babysit my son tomorrow night because my wife's teaching. She was a professor and she taught night classes. And she piped in with, you're not babysitting, you're parenting. And I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was 100% right. And when she would get home from teaching, one of the first things she would do is tell me all the things I could have done better. And so in retrospect, what I, and her and I have

talked about this. I wasn't a babysitter, but she was treating me like I was one. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? And so instead of coming in and being happy to see me and it's all good and the next night saying, hey, these bottles, they got to get washed. Otherwise, they get messy and gross and yada, yada, yada. And here's the list of stuff like helping me out. It came at me, and this was not her intention, but it came at me as, you screwed up here, you screwed up here,

you screwed up here, right? Which if I had hired somebody, if I hire a house cleaner, and I need to sit down with them and say, hey, you're not doing the baseboard, you're not doing this room,

that's how I felt. Right. And so then what I started doing is just waiting to be told what to do, so I did it right. And then what she felt like was, she had two kids she was taken care of. And then it just became easier

for her to do it herself. And then I realized, you know the best gift, I could give my families to not be here. I'm going to go work more and more. And you see how the drift just happened. Yeah. Right?

All of that, I think, can be minimized if both people decide we're not going to carry this. We're not going to carry a ton of existential weight here. Your brain works differently than mine. Cool. You asking him for a roadmap, how can I best tell you the things that I need help with around here that we can both be certain they'll get done?

can I make you a list? Can I write them down on a sticky note for you? Will you commit to checking the sticky note? Yes. And my promise to you is you won't have to do this your entire marriage, I promise you. That's what I was going to ask. No, you're just last forever.

Do I just need to get over myself? I think the thing you quote unquote need to get over is that he's somehow doing this on purpose or he's somehow lazy or broken. Okay? That's the part I would tell you to set that down because it sounds like he's a good man. Yes.

And don't give up on asking for things that you need. Invest in, how do I ask for things that I want? How do I invest in things that I need in a way that you can hear it? And you can actually get them done for me. Right. Right? And then if he does do it and it's not perfect or if he puts the bottles on the drying rack diagonally

instead of, you know, horizontally or whatever, keep that criticism to yourself. Right? Okay. And you don't do you? If every time he tries to love you, all he gets is a list of how he didn't do it right, he's going to learn,

I'm not good at this, I'm going to back out. She's going to do it anyway. The way she wants it done, that's probably the best way for the house. And that breeds resentment all over the place. Yeah. Right.

And if he's listening, do not walk around your home and say, well, I got this. Don't care. As a guy who's got this, that and more, don't care. It's my job to figure out ways that I can take the way my brain is wired, the way my brain works, and still show up and love my wife. All things are true at the same time. It's been an honor to talk to you. Thank you so, so much for your call. Y'all call any

time. We come back. A man asks how to balance his drive to provide financially with his wife's need for more time together. It's one of the most common. I'm in questions I get. I can't wait for this one. All right, you all know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Almost every day of my life, I'm wearing a poncho shirt. I wear them everywhere. And I was at the comedy club recently, and a guy came up to me, and he was like, all right, be honest.

Are these poncho shirts actually as great as you say they are? And I looked at him and said, yeah, they really are amazing. By the way, look at me. I kind of look awesome because I'm wearing poncho shirts. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years. If I'm on stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm running around town, or I'm out working on my farm, I'm probably wearing poncho shirts. And right now it's hot outside.

So mostly I'm wearing their originals and their ultralights because they keep me cool. They're light, they breathe, and they move with me, not against me. They're also super tough, so I'm not worried about them. And this is the thing. I don't have to think about anything. I can just grab a poncho shirt, throw it on, and I'm good to go. They're sharp enough to wear pretty much anywhere. So yeah, if you're wondering if poncho shirts are worth it, stop hesitating.

Stop asking questions. Pancho shirts are the best. Go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get $10 off your first purchase. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, Indianapolis, Indiana. Let's go to Dakota. Hey, Dakota, what's up?

Hey, how's it going? Doing great, brother. How are you? I'm doing all right. Excellent. What's up? So I've been in a constant battle here lately, trying to work more without my wife being so upset with me being gone all the time. You're the first guy that's ever dealt with that. That's where I'm at.

Yeah, I've seen that at my work. A lot of the guys at my work, I've worked a lot overtime, and their wives don't seem to mind, but mine seems to be the only one that really, really wants me home, and I'm really looking for more money. Yeah. I'll just say out the gate, recognize this for the blessing that it is. You have a wife that wants to spend time with you. That's pretty amazing. Yeah, absolutely. And navigating that will be a challenge, right? So tell me what y'all are going through. Tell me about it. So I live a pretty darn busy life.

As of right now, I work at them about 50 hours a week. I also volunteer at church regularly, and I also play drums in the band as well. So all that together ends with about every week or two. There's a conversation on the couch of, you know, I feel like I don't see you anymore, tears, you know, everything. I just feel like I don't want to get to spend any time with you. So, and I totally get that. But at the same time, I've just got to drive to be able to do more and, you know,

provide a comfortable life for us and still be able to, you know, do all the things, live life in the ways that I want to. So it's been hard to balance that. Can I come at you pretty hard? Is that cool? Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead. No, I'm on your team, okay?

Yeah. The first thing I would tell you is you gave up the right to live your life how you want to when you said I do. Yeah. So that narrative needs to go away because y'all agreed that y'all were going to live life together. I got you. Okay. So let that be the foundation here. Anytime that pops into your head.

But what about me? I want you to say, what about us? and more importantly, what about her? And the stuff that you do, work-wise, hobby-wise, restoration-wise, exercise-wise, all those things, the goal there is you filling up your pitcher so that you can spend the rest of your time trying to out-serve her. And hopefully she's doing the same thing trying to out-serve you.

Yeah. Okay. Now, that doesn't mean that you don't have awesome hobbies and don't have tons of fun and that you're not a leader in your community and all that stuff. But that stuff is in service to the secret world

that you and your wife are creating together. So my question for you is, what is it about, and I need you to be totally honest with me, okay? It's just you and me and a couple million listeners, all right? What is it about, quote unquote,

just spending time with her that feels like you're not living your life? Um, so it For me, the time that I spend with her is It's enough for me. It fills me up. You know, I I enjoy spending time with her but it For her it's not enough And I

I understand it but at the same time But you're 100% I'm trying to be future focused. But you don't understand it Right? Right. Yeah. And so be honest about that. Yeah. And here's what I'm trying to get to. Most men have a hard time metabolizing that the good women in their lives don't care about all their awards. They just want them. And you and I grew up, the way men are raised, the many little boys are raised, is you're only worth your accomplishments and the money in your checking account and how many out of boys you get.

Yeah. And it's really really, tough for us to look at this woman who says, I love you and says, no, no, no, I don't care about any of that stuff. I love you. And I can tell you, personal experience, it's unwinding when I'm like, well, then who am I? If I'm not my dollar amount and I'm not my hours worked and I'm not my cool leadership job, like service role in the community or at my church or wherever, if I'm not, you know, a drummer, who am I then? Right. Right. So let me, let me rephrase it this way. I love playing music. I like playing music with my friends. I play a big show every year. I love that. Yeah. I like hunting a lot. I like fishing a lot. I like being out with my kids a lot. I like

doing stand-up comedy a lot. I am not a comedian who's married. I'm not a podcaster who's married. I'm a married guy who also plays music. You get the difference? Yeah. And so when I go my wife will tell you like go she calls the local comedy club here my dealer she'll say you need to go do a set over there because she knows she gets a better

version of me when I get home not the other way and there's time she's like hey you've been gone a lot I need you here I want you here more importantly yeah right and the attention I think I'm getting in these other places dude none of that compares

to what I get from her And that leads me to the second part of this. Does she want you around because she wants to control you? Because she doesn't want you doing all these things because she's jealous of these other. Or does she just want you? Because I also have buddies and people I sit with behind closed doors who are whose wives don't want them out doing stuff because I don't want you out doing stuff. Basically take it on a mother role.

Yeah. Right? And so what do you think your situation? is. Oh, gosh, I'll be honest. I'm, I personally feel like I'm leaning towards the ladder, but I, you know, obviously I can't see inside her head. So, okay. And that's where this framework, I talk about all the time here, but that's where it becomes really important for you to have the courage and the bravery to sit down with her and say, um, when you say you just want more time, I feel like that's a moving target. and the story I'm making up is

not that you just want to spend time with me focused and directed because when we're sitting together you're on your phone we're watching a TV show we're not connecting I'm just here the story I'm making up is you just don't want me doing those other things and if you have the courage to say that then she has the ability to respond

and hopefully she'll respond honestly yeah I've had that conversation with her before particularly with the music side of thing because I'd, you know, I'd do that in a very serious sense and my band's quite serious. So, um, but I've had the conversations with her of, I mean, do you really want me doing this? You know, is this something you want me to do? She knows it's a passion of mine. But that's an unfair thing to put on her. When you ask that question, she can't win. Because if she says, no, I want you here. I miss you when you're gone.

then she's put in a position to take away something you love, which is your music. That's not fair to her. Right. Right. I was putting her in an impossible position. Or if she says, no,

I love that you have this amazing passion that you love it. I want you to go do it. Then she's squashing part of herself, which is, I miss my husband, man. Yeah. So here's the way I've seen a couple, thousands of people be successful here, okay?

Don't sit down at the table with her and say, all right, I have to work 50 hours a week. I'm grinding at work. I've got a vision for us financially to keep us safe. And I've got to do these church leadership roles. And I'm a drummer and we're pretty serious about our music. How do we find time to connect?

If you do that way, you've already set the conversation up to fail. Okay. Swipe the deck and ask each other, how do we want this house to feel when we're both going to bed at night? What does peace feel like? and she might say I've held your hand tonight we've had wild and crazy sacks

we've played a card game together right yeah and you might say I want you to be really happy that I'm home I want this to be the place that I desire to go most

I want to do leadership roles or service roles because I feel like I have to not because I'm using it as an escape to come away from here like right off the top do you have little ones

no Okay. How long have y'all been married? Almost three years now. Okay. I would tell you right now, it seems like not a wise time if you're trying to really make it in music and working 50 hours to try to set you all up financially. It's probably not a good time to be doing leadership roles at other places because your wife needs you. More than that, your wife wants you. Right. Right. And if you're doing these things to, man, this is like bringing up stuff from my past.

I started filling my calendar up because I felt like I could not win in my own house. And all of these other things, I got pats on the back, and if your spouse is not your biggest cheerleader, you will go somewhere where you are celebrated. And most spouses, especially three years in, have no idea how to celebrate each other

other other than celebrating each other in the ways they like to be celebrated. Yeah. And that takes a lot of courage to say, here's the way I like to be celebrated. Actually, I'd love it if you were on the front row of my shows. Yeah. I would love it if once a week you just grab my face and said,

I see how hard you're working for our future family, for future us. And I miss you, but thank you for putting all that grind in. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But you have to ask yourself, what's more important? creating a foundation here in your home or doing all these millions of other things.

Right. And by the way, there's seasons. How old are you? I'm 28. Okay, you're in a season of grind, grind, grind, grind, grind. Arthur Brooks, who's one of the greatest thinkers in the country right now, and he's also a close friend. He says we often over index for our 20s and 30s,

and we under index for our 40s, 60, 70s, 80s, and 90s. And I think he's right. We try to look at all the fun we can have in our 20s, and it's like, no, no, no, no, build the house in your 20s. Yeah. So that you can kick your feet up in your 40s, 50s, and 60s, and 70s. Or you can have these amazing opportunities because you've already built the platform, right? Right.

But I think it's going to be you sitting down with her and saying, hey, here's the stories I'm making up. And by the way, please, please, please don't come home and say, hey, you want to spend more time with me. So I quit doing, don't do that. Don't put her in that position. Right? That's a cowardly kind of backdoor way of doing it. More importantly, say, I'm three years into this marriage. I have this vision for us financially.

I'm loving my music. I want to spend time with you. So I dropped out of these leadership positions. I want to be here. And when I'm here, here's what I would love for that to look like. No screens. Us playing games. Us going for walks.

Us going for hikes or whatever. What would her response be to that? I think she would love that Okay Yeah And you If you don't like spending time with her You have to be honest about that

If she's If y'all have different interests I would tell you both Both of you'll get over it Right That's part of making a home with somebody But if she's extra critical Of you all the time

If she just wants you sitting there And then she's off in her cell phone world Or whatever Then you have to put that on the table Yeah. All right, I threw a lot at you. What are you thinking? It's hard to pinpoint a lot of that.

Let me ask you this big question. Do you all share visions of your future? To be perfectly honest, I don't know if we totally do. And I don't know if that's not sharing the same idea of the future or if it's her not looking as far into the future as I am. She's a bit more in the moment and I am very forward focused. And can I just say this? Thank God you all married each other.

Okay. Because guys like you and guys like me can spend our whole lives working for a life that we get when we're 70 and we're too old to do anything with it. and we have to have people that are like, hey, let's go out to eat right now. Let's go for a walk right now. Let's go have sex right now. And so if y'all have not had a vision time together

where you dream in crystal clear focus, what's our dream house? What does that look like? What neighborhood do we want to be in? How many kids do we want to have? What kind of cars do you want to drive? And then you literally reverse engineer that. Okay, here's how much that life costs.

Yeah. And here's how much of money we have right now. Do we actually still want that dream? I've talked about on the show, I will never, I will forever be eternally grateful. I'll never forget the time my wife and I had a showdown in my garage,

our garage, when I was literally working myself to death. This is about two or three years ago. And my wife grew up with very little. I didn't grow up with very much, and we're so far past blessings that we could have ever imagined, and here I was with my foot,

still all the way on the gas pedal. And she said, John, we have enough. And I realized I did not have a psychology for what that word even meant. And so we had to decide together, what does enough mean for us? By the way, that has changed over the years. But what hasn't changed is that we constantly

have a rhythm of sitting down once a month, once a year, once a week, and saying, are we living into this enough, this vision that we've co-created together? And this vision starts, to shift and change. Great. We're going to do that together too.

Yeah. But if you're cranking towards a vision of paid for house and lakehouse and a thousand acre ranch and kids go to college and she's like, dude, I just want you here. Yeah. Right? Y'all are trying to solve for two different futures together. Yeah. So it can be revealing in a very uncomfortable way, but man, most of the time, it's amazing for you to knock off,

take a half day with your wife and say, hey, I want to do a dreaming thing. We've been married for three years. We get to choose. We get to build whatever marriage we want. Let's go out to when we're 38. Where do we want to be living? What do we want our house to look like?

And storms are going to come. Miscarriages happen. Job losses happen. Economies crash. Economies go up. We can't control any of that stuff. But with what we can't control, what do we want our house to look like when we're 38?

What do we want it to feel like? Laughter, joy, fun, warmth, silliness, what do we want it to look like? And if once we identify that, what must be true for us to get there? And you'll probably find that she's going to be okay with House A and you're going to have thought you were solving for House B. Or she might not care that y'all owe money

and you might be panicked about how much student loan debt you have. And y'all are going to bring those visions together. But don't have these proxy where she wants me around, but I want to be a drummer. And she just always is complaining. And I want to be a church leader. And I want to do this. But I also got to work.

You're just playing a wow. them all with problems and not getting to the root, which is we get to build whatever marriage we want. So what do we want this thing to look like? Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you the Together app too, brother. And I want you all to use this thing every single day. You can use it one player mode or two player mode, but I want y'all to use it. And it's one step towards each other every day. And it will get to learn you over time. I think it will really help you all out. Hang on the line here. I'll hook you up with it. We'll be right back.

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Thorn.com slash the letter you slash deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so this is from Beth in Oklahoma, and she writes, ever since we got married 13 years ago, my husband tends to leave me with his family. He always has another commitment when they come to visit, whether it's a men's retreat at church or work commitments. I'm stuck playing hostess and engaging with them while he does his own thing for a big chunk of the time of their visit.

Take this last weekend, for instance. He spent a total of four hours of the three and a half days they visited, and two hours of those were us at a movie theater. I asked him why, and he just says, it's just how the timing works, and then he says he'll try harder next time to be present. But here we are again. Am I the problem? No. no no no you're not the problem that's all i got to say about that i don't know what to say no no no no so what i'm hearing you say is no no if your family's coming into town everything else is canceled if you work full

i mean if you work on call or something you have you got to go deal with that but other than that no you're not going on the retreat why because your family's coming into town and that's your priority. And if you don't want to make them the priority, then tell them don't come. But no, it is cruel and unusual punishment to invite your family for three days and then you disappear and leave your spouse to manage it all. And I know this because I was that guy. So that's why I'm saying no, no, no so emphatically. What do you think, Kelly? I agree. I mean, it's his family and she's having to play hostess all weekend. And probably make excuses for where he is and it's probably awkward.

So no, it's his family. He needs to be there. And I'll even go one step further. Her family. Be around. Guests, be around. Because it's people in your home. Yes.

People in y'all's home. So be present in your home. And if you don't like people coming, you all need to have that hard conversation. And if your wife is really hard on you when people are coming and she gives you 500 lists in the house has to look at. perfect like a museum hashtag just saying may have been in my house for a while then and you know i don't want to be here because i don't like this version of you that shows up when we're hosting

then have that hard conversation but yeah just disappearing act no dude that's that's lame that's that's cheap i agree look at us i know despite our differences building bridges despite our differences air once in a while everybody in the club gets tipsy and or once in a while. Kelly and I agree on something. Bye.