The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband’s Sexual Issues Are Ruining Our Marriage

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife unsure of how to save her marriage - A mother who learned her neighbor is a convicted child predator - How to choose freedom in the face of anxiety To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. To buy “Good Touch - Bad Touch” click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have three young kids and I live next door to someone who went to prison for incest and sexual misconduct with minor. Oh, good. I don't even want to open the door to conversation with him. I handle these things kind of weird. I tend to go directly to it, and that's not for everybody. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's a Halloween episode.

Happy Halloween, everybody. If you don't celebrate Halloween, cool on you. If you do, cool on you. And before we get to the, so hang on with us to the end of the show because we got some cool Halloween stuff at the end here. But, dude, we all have to celebrate. We gotta celebrate. Building a non-anxious life.

Number one adult nonfiction on the big boy list. On the big boy list, the big boy list which is super rad we are so proud of you dude that was the whole gang man it was everybody in the club got tipsy on that one it was so good dude i'm so happy uh uh yeah man i was on the road and i got a text message which is how preston communicates and it's's so great. So great, man. I'm still kind of in awe. So I got right off the road and then I got super, super sick. And so I'm just now crawling my way back to life. But man, I haven't had a moment even just to cheer and celebrate, but here we are.

Way to go, America. Dude. Hey, every one of y'all that listened to me do stupid ad, not stupid ads, but do ads for months, months. Thank you. Thank you for enduring. Building an Unanxious Life, number one. And pretty exciting, man. Pretty, pretty exciting. Even more cool is when my daughter saw my face in an airport on like a digital billboard.

And I was like, finally, am I famous? And she goes, no, dad. Then I got a book off, like my book was for sale in one of the airports and I got it and started signing it and she lost it. She was like, you do not write in books. And I was like, I'm making it more valuable. And she's like, no, you're not. She is never going to concede. She can't, she can't. You'll be like on TV or whatever and she will never concede. No, you know what's going to happen? I'm going to go to jail and she's going to have a picture of my mugshot and she will never concede. No, you know what's going to happen? I'm going to go to jail,

and she's going to have a picture of my mugshot, and she'll be like talking to me through glass, and she'll be like, now you're famous, dad. Now you're famous, dad. That sounds about right with her. I'm not going to jail. I'm too much of a nerd.

All right, let's go to Louisville, Kentucky, and talk to the BARB. What's up, Barb? Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm outstanding. How are you? I'm outstanding. How are you? I'm okay. I'm okay. Thank you so much for taking my call. I really appreciate it. Of course. And I know it's nervous to call. You are doing great. Okay. Thank you. And it's really awkward. Hey, my wife tells me I've been awkward for years, so you're all good. I didn't mean you were awkward.

I'm so sorry. Oh, listen, Barb, I'm 100% awkward. There's no doubt about it. Even in not awkward situations, I make just regular interactions awkward. Just like everyone in the booth is like, dude, I'm just trying to tell you hello. And I'm like, uh, one time. Yeah, I just, I don't know, man. So anyway, I'm sorry for being so awkward.

So nothing you're going to bring up is going to make me feel even more awkward than I've already made it. So what's up? Well, thank you. So congratulations on your book. I bought it for my husband and he loves it. You are awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Nothing says I love you, husband. Like here's a book about anxiety you should probably read. It's true. It's a true story. Okay. So I have never talked about this with anybody. So I'm going to do my best to get through this without crying. Yay. Feel free to cry away. Cry away.

Okay. Thanks. Okay. So I have been married for about 12 years. And before we got married, my husband had told me that he had had an issue with porn, a very significant issue. Went back to the age of nine when he started. It was given to him by his dad. His mom died traumatically. And that was one of the ways, I guess, his dad taught him how to cope with his pain. So they never talked about the grief and the trauma or anything. He basically just went to alcohol and gave my husband porn. So we talked about that before we got married. I was very clear that I am just not the kind of person that can really handle having that as a part of my marriage. And he agreed. He'd gone through a lot of healing and group work and therapy to try to work through a lot of like the reasons behind

why he used born in the first place. So fast forward about three years, um, he started getting a little bit different and I felt like something was off. And so I confronted him about it. And, um, he was using erotica at the time and masturbating privately to that. And around the same time also had like a significant moment where he became very suicidal. I had to call his therapist. I had to call the police and remove the guns from our house and have them sent to the station. And the police showed up at his work to make sure that he was safe. So we worked through all of that.

His therapist worked through that with him and things got a lot better. So fast forward another three years and I had a similar feeling that something was off again. And this time found out that he was masturbating again at the time he was actually using porn, but did not communicate that with me in a way that I realized that that was going on. I thought it was just masturbation. So we worked through that, no suicide or anything at that time, no significant issue of depression.

And fast forward again, and here we are for the third time. And this time there's not porn involved. It's just solo masturbation. But I noticed him pulling away from me and just not being present with me. And I'm so sorry. No, don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. Take your time.

And now this time, there's, you know, the suicide thoughts back and the significant depression. And I am at a place where I hope, you know, screw me once, shame on you. screw me twice, shame on me kind of thing. Now we're here the third time and I'm having to carry all of this. And I love him. And he's truly a really good person.

He is a nine on the ACEs score and has a significant amount of trauma in his background. And he has worked through so much. He is an amazing father and a wonderful person. And I don't know what to do. Like, how do I, I guess my question is, how do I support him and not become bitter and take care of myself and not wonder why does this keep happening? Because there must be something wrong with me. Why does this keep happening? You know, I am a five on aces. My trauma is not as bad as his, as far as like, I didn't lose a parent and all that, but I did have significant like child abuse and sexual abuse. We don't, we don't compare trauma on this show. Trauma is trauma.

Trauma is trauma. So, um, all right. So can I hop in here? Yes, please. Okay. Number one, you don't say this out loud very often, do you? I've never talked about this with anybody. I'm really proud of you. Thanks. So tell me, you're either being flooded with, oh my gosh, I can't believe I said that, or you're being flooded with relief. Which one is it? I feel relief. There you go.

You'll feel guilty later. You'll feel that weird, like, over-vulnerable, like, ah! You'll feel that later. But right now, I want you to, I want you to fully feel this for one second. Okay. Okay? Because this is going to be part of your path forward. Okay. Is you have to stop keeping secrets from him and from your small group of people that you trust deeply. Okay.

That's part of that feeling that you're carrying all of this by yourself. It's too heavy. Okay. And you're not protecting him and you're not protecting this image of a marriage that everybody thinks you have. And honestly you're not protecting your kid or kids by holding all these secrets. Okay? Okay.

So, I want you to feel how good this feels just once to say it to somebody that you know. You don't know me, but you know I'm not going to be mean to you. I'm not going to be like, oh, my God. That's not going to happen. Okay? Yeah. Now, I'm going to talk through a couple of things, and I'm going to give you probably some advice that's not going to happen. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm going to talk through a couple of things and I'm going to give you probably some advice that nobody has given you yet.

Okay. Okay. And I also want you to know that it may be a disaster. Okay. Okay. Cool. But when things are a disaster, I tend to head into them, not away from them. Okay.

Okay. So, number one, you started this whole conversation by telling me that his dad gave him pornography as a way, as a form of a drink when he was a child. Yeah. The complexity of his trauma is very layered, right? Mom passes away. Dad becomes an alcoholic. Dad hands him pornography, pornography and masturbation at nine years old becomes a self-soothing, like a way to disappear from any sort of pain, right? Yeah. How old are your kids? Six, eight, and 11. God help y'all. All right.

So you have a six, eight, and 11-year-old, right? So that means you have a fifth grader, a middle schooler, and in the middle somewhere. And every dad feels less than. Every dad feels like something should feel different. They should be more engaged with their kids, not enough, working more, not working more, whatever. And his body taught him at nine years old that this is how you deal with this. Some dads work longer. Some dads join fantasy leagues. Some dads work out too much. Some dads play video games. Some dads, they just crack beers on the couch. Your husband's body

taught him at a young age via his dad through some gnarly trauma that this is how we deal with this stuff. Okay. I tell you that to tell you none of this is about you. Okay. My guess is your trauma as a little girl, you've learned to solve that trauma by making sure that everybody was okay. Mm-hmm. And this one's not about you,

and that's hard. Okay? Mm-hmm. Here's the second thing. For some reason, to say that this young man has put in the work he's put in the work huh

he's put in a lot of work okay yeah I want to try something that's unique number one we're not going to screw around with suicidality okay never ever ever ever ever any hint we're calling everybody any hint we're calling everybody any hint we're calling everybody okay

um but it sounds like if i look at trends okay and these are multi-year trends for you it's happening again and again and for me it is a lifelong addiction to pornography, masturbation, that goes to erotica, just reading it. Which goes to how to mess up, not suicidal, just ugh. To now a guy just jerking off in his bathroom, right? Yeah. On a trend line, that's a guy that's doing a lot of work okay and i don't have a problem with a guy masturbating in his house like that that doesn't tell me that there's something broken in a marriage doesn't tell me anything okay okay that and so here's what i'm telling

you that i think the approach is let's remove the shame from that particular act. And one of the ways to do that is to invite yourself into that moment. You see what I'm saying? How do I do that? Like, hey, next time you are about to masturbate, take care of yourself by yourself, can I join you? Okay, I did do that. I did tell him. Okay, tell me about that. How'd that go? Fine.

I mean, I don't think, I mean, I think that's what he's done since, I think. Did it demystify it? That's what I'm saying. Did it de-shame it? I don't know. I'm not sure. For him, you mean, did it? Yes. I don't know if it did or not. Okay. I think it's worth a follow-up conversation

because there sounds like, again, I haven't talked to him, it'd be completely unrelated, but it sounds like somehow this shame and this loop-de-loop and this trauma loop are all wound up together. If these depressive cycles follow these patterns, right? And he ends up in this dark place. Yeah. But I think the helping part of you is to be curious, not, oh my gosh, my marriage is falling apart. Okay? Okay. You have drawn a hard line of pornography and I fully agree with that line. And so I think his work is not crossing

that line. Cause I think that's very fair that you drew that boundary. I'm proud of you for that. Okay. Okay. The second or the third or fourth, I don't know what number we're on, is me asking you, are you done? No. I don't get in your voice that you're done. I get in your voice that you're just so exhausted. I'm tired. I'm just really, really, I just feel like I can't. Because of the suicide feelings, I can't talk about my feelings without him shutting down.

So, you know what I mean? Like, he does have a lot of guilt. And I don't know how to navigate that. What are your feelings that he shuts down from? The shame. I think he feels, he feels from what he's told me, like he's not a good husband. And that's not true. Sure.

But major depression doesn't tell the truth, and it's just so hard to wade through, right? Is he taking his meds? Is he taking care of business on that front? Yes, and they just started him on another one. Okay. And when they do that, what do they tell you to watch real closely, right? Yeah, they're adding on like augmenting therapy instead of switching okay okay so i guess are you seeing somebody too

i don't know i mean i have a therapist she's 175 an hour And to be completely honest, I love her and she's amazing, but she's so expensive and our budget, you know, is tight and I, that's a whole other topic. Yeah. Um, is your husband working? Um, well, kind of, yes and no. Yes. Yes. He does work, but I've had to go back to work full time because of the industry he's in.

It's just, he's in the mortgage industry and it's not going well right now. Right. So, um, it may be time for him to change careers dramatically because he's in an industry where the best of the best of the best are really struggling right now. Yeah. Right. And if you have a history of really struggling and then you're surrounded by people who are struggling, it may be time for that to have that conversation.

See what I'm saying? Yeah. I think that could be a really important moment for you all. Yeah, we've had that conversation a lot, actually. And depression gets on that loop and it sticks and it sticks and it sticks. And one of the lies of depression is the way you feel right now is your fault, and it's always going to feel like this. Yeah.

Right? And so there's something about shaking the snow globe and saying, let's do something different. Let's make a move, and let's work on that together. I get that it's expensive. If your counselor's wonderful, I think it's worth putting some money on the table. And even if you give it six more sessions, and I know that feels like a million dollars

with three kids and a husband who's just not bringing home any money because there's no deals being done in his industry right now. He might find a ton of purpose in driving Uber in the morning or in the evenings or figuring out some way to make some extra money. Um, or you guys sit down and figure out like, Hey, let's look at other industries. Let's look at, you know, banking, whatever else he, I don't know what he's qualified

for, but, um, I think there's something really valuable in purpose and that stuff, it starts to compound itself. Like I don't want to go to work and then I'll stop making money. And then that depression gets heavier. And there's something about taking baby steps out of that, right? Out of it. But I think it's worth taking six sessions on your end and going to your counselor and saying, I need some very specific guidelines on how to walk alongside my husband during this

season when he's feeling low. And if you want to invite him into that conversation, I think that would be wonderful. Because what y'all need to do is come up with a few strategies so that he knows shame doesn't fly in our house. We don't have secrets. Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud of my husband and I love my husband. He's done a lot of work. He's inviting me into some very intimate moments in his life, but beneath that is the sense that, hey, we got to get a job.

We're making some money. We have to redefine purpose in our house. And I'm with you. And so when I turn the lights on, it's not to shame you, it's to invite you. And I think it's bringing that more and more to the light. And so if he'll come with you for a couple of couple sessions, as y'all practice learning new ways to talk to each other, that's great. He's got to pay close attention to that depression medication. I think that sounds like

where he's at right now. He's had a rough, rough go of it his whole life. And man, I'm glad he lives in a moment of history where he can get the help and care that he needs. I don't want you to give up on you. All right, Barb. I know this is hard to talk about. You've got to find a group of women that you can sit down and speak with. They don't cost 175 bucks an hour,

even though I think counseling is important right now. Call two or three or four women. Call them together for coffee and say, hey, it's vulnerability time. I got to let y'all know where I'm at. Thanks for calling, Barb. I'm really grateful for you. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a whole bunch of stuff.

Are you ready? I'm going to send you all the questions for humans couples cards. I want you and your husband to begin dating again, if you will. Just having conversations again. No pressure. Second thing is I'm going to send you my friend Ken Coleman's book, Paycheck to Purpose. And I want you and your husband to read that together. The third thing I'm going to send you is one year of Financial Peace University in every dollar. Okay? That's our financial tool.

You said it's a whole other call. I can imagine y'all are struggling financially too. I'm going to send that to you and the app. Y'all can work it together. But as you have conversations about, hey, honey, what if we got to get you out of this industry that's really struggling right now, surrounded by people who are negative, negative, negative, and get you into a place where you can see the light again. Sharing how your money's going to work together is going to really help you. I'm so grateful that you called and for being vulnerable. Call anytime. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time.

It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past,

it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works

for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it

and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallowed.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Indianapolis and talk to

Lisa. What's up, Lisa? Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I am good. I'm hiding in my laundry room, so we're doing great. Excellent. What's up? So I wrote down my question because I'm a little nervous. Very cool. Read it out. Read it out. This is what I have for you. Cool. I have three young kids and I live next door to someone who went to prison for incest and

sexual misconduct with a minor. Oh, good. Yeah. I feel my children are safe as we have an open dialogue about said neighbor and they know that anyone from that house is not safe. My issue comes in interacting with that neighbor. There have been instances where he said hi and I don't even want to open the door to conversation with him.

I also feel my heart take off anytime I think about who lives next to me and I don't want to be affected mentally by this every day in a negative way. Hmm. How old is your neighbor? How old is my neighbor? He's in his 50s. Okay. How'd you find out about the details of his previous incarceration? So my husband's owned this house even before I knew him. We lived here. We moved. We moved back into this house. And then when we

moved back into this house, I was just, I take my kids' safety very serious. And I was like, I'm just going to make sure that no one in town, because we live in a really small town, nobody in town is dangerous, you know, and come to find out who lives right next door. So, got my answer.

Do you know if he's still under any kind of supervision? He's still registered as a sex offender. Okay. So, the first thing I would do would be to call and see if you can get the person he has to check in with and just say, I'm a neighbor with three small kids. Okay. And if, depending on where you live, there may be a violation because he's not supposed to be in vicinity of said kids this many yards away. Okay.

Probably that's not the case, but it's worth finding out. But by contacting a supervisor, you might find that here's the real story. Okay. The real story was when he was 26, he, whatever. Or the real story. I know it was like he he got out of prison, like within the last 10 years. So. Right. But, but it could be that he was, um, sexually abusing his daughter. Yeah.

It could be that he was dating a cousin, right? Yeah. And so getting some clarity. I know it was his daughter. Okay. So, yeah. And so the second thing is I handle these things kind of weird. Okay. I tend to go directly to it and that's not for everybody. if the neighbor waves and says hello,

I'm not one to usually just go, kids, look at the ground, look at the ground, walk in. I like to go across the street and say, hey, I'm so-and-so, we're your neighbors. Man, I got a report that this happened and I'm super uncomfortable with my kids. Okay. And that's just how I handle stuff.

And not in a threatening way, in any shape, form, or fashion, in a respectful way. And it might be, oh, no, nothing. But I mean, it's just kind of calling it out. Right. The bigger deal is, I don't want,

there's a fine line between vigilance and being smart, right? Teaching your kids awareness and making them terrified about a neighbor. Right. And that's a fine line. The joke is, but it's not a joke. My dad was a homicide detective and he used to put Polaroids of people getting out of jail on the family desk. And I was a little kid. I mean I was I don't remember how young I was but it was like hey

If these guys ever get come to the door don't answer it And that was really helpful and At a really young age. I internalized hey at any moment a killer can knock on your door, right? Right, and so I still don't like answering my door and i'm old Right, Like I'm an old man now. And so there's a fine line between all neighbors are scary and terrifying. Right. And so finding that sweet balance is really smart. Um, and then the third thing is,

man, just move. Why? What? Tell me about this house. Um, I mean, we just moved into it, uh, like six months ago And we love it Like we're super happy where we are Except your heart beats out of your chest Every time you walk out the front door Yeah So there's a story that you tell yourself

That you love it but you don't You hate it You're terrified of it I'm not terrified of it I guess like I'm not scared of him. I guess like, I'm not scared of him. I'm like angry, you know, I don't know. I like, why can't everyone just love their kids? Right.

You know? And like, who does that to their child? Yes. Um, keep going, keep going, keep going. I don't know. I just, it just makes me angry when I think about that. Hold on. Anger often covers up grief.

Yeah. How old are your kids? I have a six-year-old and then I have twins that are five. Okay. You thought moving into your home with your three little ones and your husband was going to look like X. Yeah. And it was going to feel like X. And instead it feels like Y because you have a child predator that lives next door to you.

Right. It's grief. You're mad. Right? Yeah. right yeah I just and like I've tried to talk to my kids about it in an age-appropriate way because obviously like I'm not going to tell them like hey this is who lives next lives next door and this is what he did you know I just yeah and a very like that person is not safe. Um,

if anyone from there ever tries to talk to you, you don't, you just come get mommy. Um, and like that has landed very well with them. They have kids in the neighborhood that they play with and their friends went over there one day on the neighbors in their yard. And my kids were like, they came and got me and they're like, mom, our friends are in their yard. my kids were like, they came and got me. And they're like, mom, our friends are in their yard. And I was like, okay, thank you. They're like, we did not go in the yard. You know, we, they, they, they've listened. They've comprehended what I've said.

Sure. And I've tried not to scare them, you know, cause I don't want them to be afraid. Let's take it one step further and not related to that house at all. But I think every family needs to have a safety plan and talk through good touch and bad touch and the parts covered up by a bathing suit.

And there's a couple of good books. There's a book. It's a really thin book you can get on Amazon called Good Touch. And I forgot the name of the author. We'll link to it in the show notes here. But it's a great little book

just to read to kids that shows what's good and what's not good and play through some fun scenarios about them being at a park or being in next door. I mean, not next door, but being at a park or being at a store or something like that. And talking through no families, like only person you're allowed to have secrets with is mom and dad. Any other grownup you don't have secrets with.

Okay. And have your sister, when she comes over, like, hey, can I tell you a secret? And have them say no secrets except for mom and dad. Right? And we're going to teach them a safety plan, a foundation underneath this thing. Not just that guy's bad. Right. Right?

But we're teaching them whole body positivity. We're teaching them autonomy. We're teaching them to pay attention, but we're doing it in an age-appropriate way. Some things are private. Some things only mom and dad and the doctor can see. That's just the way that goes. Okay.

And not in a, you gotta cover that up because we don't want to teach them body shame either, right? Right. Their bodies are amazing. They're perfect just as they were designed and they're private. Both things are true. But I think having those broader conversations, which are way more uncomfortable if you're not trained, then that guy's bad. Don't go in that yard. That's the easy way. Like talking through the bathing suit conversation is harder, right? The private parts conversation. And if you or your husband's ever had any trauma around those areas,

that makes those conversations even harder. But I think that's where I would start with my kids, with three little ones. And if you're comfortable, if your husband's comfortable, I think kind of addressing the issue head on. Next time the guy's out in the yard, water in the yard or whatever, in a non-threatening way, just say, hey, you got five minutes? You got two minutes?

Just say, hey, man, we just moved in and we got alerted to this. Is there anything you want to tell us? Because I got three little kids. It just makes me nervous. Right. And he may blow up and then you get all the answers you need, right?

That's what I'm afraid of. I'm not like a confrontational person. I mean, you just walk need, right? That's what I'm afraid of. I'm not like a confrontational person. I mean, you just walk away, right? I mean, if that's the response, my hope would be is that he would hang his head and say, no, man, I screwed up 20 years ago. I paid my price. Never, you do not have to worry about me.

But again, I'm naive and super, super, super optimistic, right? But I think keeping an eye out is wise. but again, I'm naive and super, super, super optimistic. Right. Um, but I think keeping an eye out is wise, but the bigger picture is if every time you drive into your driveway, your body tenses up and every time your kids see you, you're looking out the window, they will absorb their home as a place of tension. And I don't want that for them.

And I don't want you to live constantly vigilant 24-7, 365. I'm all about being vigilant all the time. But there's keeping your eyes open, head on a swivel, and then there is detecting a threat, detecting a threat all the time, all the time. That begins to burn a hole through you, through your marriage, and through your kids. And so, I think the conversation is worth having. Hey, if I'm not better in a year,

in six months, I want us to be honest about this may not be the house for us. With three little ones, spending the next 15 years here next to a registered sex offender. But I do want to start here. Start with, see if you can find his sponsor.

You can track down his sponsor and get a little bit more information, a little more detail that might put you at peace or that might say, nope, we're moving today. We are moving right now. Because sometimes behind closed doors,

there's just more to these stories. And, well, I won't even go there. I won't even go there. So give me a buzz back if I can help in any way. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. All right. As you know, number one bestseller, Building a Non-Anxious Life hit the market. It's been out and it's selling like crazy. It's done so good. A hundred percent of that goes to you guys. Thank you so, so much for that. We recorded a series that is now taken off on YouTube and on this podcast. And so we want to bring you the third installment, the six daily choices. Today's daily choice is one that you've

heard me talk about. If you pre-order the book and you got the talk, it's on this idea of choosing freedom in a world that has taken every single choice from us, every single thought from us. Even the great Robert Sapolsky, the professor, Dr. Robert Sapolsky, the professor out of Stanford, who has written extensively on, do we even have free will? Does that even exist? In a world where every single thought, every single action is so carefully thought through.

The great Michael Easter wrote a new book called Scarcity Brain, where he talks about how businesses have just straight hacked our minds. And we wake up and we are anxious and we are cooked and we are fried. And the bank is telling us what we're going to do tomorrow. And our phones are telling us to look, look, look, look, look, look, look. And the processed foods in our pantry are telling us to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. And the news is telling us who to be mad at and who to be enraged at.

And our boss is screaming at us. This idea of choosing freedom is so counter-cultural, yet it's so powerful in our fight to live a non-anxious life. And so check out this vignette, if you will. I've always wanted to say vignette. Actually, I've never wanted to say vignette Actually, i've never wanted to say vignette until just now but this little vignette Um, if you're watching on youtube check it out If you're listening to it on podcast, you can listen to it here and I also suggest go to john deloney Or go to youtube slash john deloney not john deloney.com Youtube slash john deloney to watch this is beautifully shot by wes and his team

This is the third choice for building a non-anxious life, choosing freedom. Check it out. The moment your body realizes that you are not in control and what comes next in your life, it will sound the anxiety alarms. You will be anxious. It has to sound the anxiety alarms because you're not okay. This is why you must choose freedom if you really want to build a non-anxious life. So here I am, the guy that travels the country telling people about anxiety and how to live non-anxious lives, right? Start writing a book, and then I start speaking on stages, and then I launch a little podcast

that takes off. And then all of a sudden, I started saying yes to everything, even things I start speaking on stages, and then I launch a little podcast that takes off. And then all of a sudden, I started saying yes to everything, even things I didn't wanna do. I started telling my kids, hold on. I started telling my wife, let's look at next weekend. Let's look at the weekend after that. I stopped calling my friends back when they were taxed.

And suddenly I found myself once again, chasing titles and accolades and bank accounts and my body started slowly sounding the alarms and it was my wife who one morning came downstairs and then she said something that I didn't have a psychology for she said John we have enough and that rocked me and there's a part of your brain that it's specific job is to look at problems and find solutions, look into the future and say, is this a good deal? And there's also a part of your brain

designed to keep you safe. You're telling me if we get fired from our job, they're gonna take our cars that we don't own, but we live in a culture that just says, why would you pay cash for a car? That's so dumb. You know how nice of a car you can get and how low you can get that payment?

And so financial freedom is, I will never borrow money for a depreciating asset. Solving for freedom when it comes to money means not owing anybody anything. Our bodies are designed for scarcity, for not enough. And so we fill our homes up with stuff and we're scanning all the time and it's never enough. And we get more stuff and more stuff. And instead of our tribal natures, instead of looking around saying, we're good, now we have these little devices

and we're not competing with the Joneses anymore. We're competing with everyone on planet earth. We can't fit all of our stuff in our 2000, 3000, 4000 square foot homes. So we have to rent other air conditioned places to of our stuff in our 2,000, 3,000, 4,000 square foot homes, so we have to rent other air conditioned places to put our stuff into. But we look around and we're suffocating under stuff, under clutter. Freedom looks like asking yourself,

do I have this shelf of books because I'm going to read them or do I have this shelf of books because I need to announce to the world, whoever comes into my home, look how smart I am. Look at what I read one time. And if you're looking for inanimate objects to give you your identity, you're not free. What are we doing?

We're drowning in clutter. So I love time. And by love time, I mean mean I love how much I hate time. Because it just never stops moving. And so what do I do? I get a new app. I get a new program. I read another book and another book and another book. And I get a new day planner. And most of us live calendars that are so packed that we can't breathe. And we get mad that the clock keeps spinning and there's never enough time. And we always want to do this and this and this and this.

And we sprint from one thing to the next thing to the next thing. And most of us aren't struggling with alcohol or other addictions that we can point fingers at. Most of us are addicted to busy. We're asking our bodies to do something it wasn't designed to do, which is to go, go, go, go, go.

And so choosing freedom when it comes to time is about taking your calendar and putting it on your desk and taking your arm and swiping it across and clearing the whole thing. Then you ask yourself this one question, who do we wanna be? What do we want it to feel like

when we walk into our front door? Most people say, we want it to be warm do we want it to feel like when we walk into our front door? Most people say, we want it to be warm. We want there to be laughter. We want there to be a place where we drop our shoulders. And so choosing freedom with time means saying no. And that soccer coach doesn't get to tell you what you do with your weekends unless you let them. And your kids are great kids. And what they really want is you, not another activity. So what I'm asking you to do,

what I'm asking myself to do is give ourselves space to be bored, to reflect, to think, to create, to examine, to sit on the stool in between rounds so that you can get back in the ring and fight like mad. But you have to create space. Boundaries get to be a mess in our current culture because with social media, with our relationships with our parents and our in-laws that are just never ending, we don't know where we stop and where the world begins. We are enmeshed in everybody and everything.

As of this recording, I have about half a million friends on Facebook, I have about half a million friends on Instagram, and they write me about what I should be saying and what I should have said differently and how dare I and thank goodness that you're saying whatever it is you're saying. My body's not designed to take input from a million people I've never met.

My body's designed to have a small core group of people and we all agree that this is how we're gonna do life. How many of us still let our in-laws tell us what we're doing for Christmas? How many of us let our boss determine our self-worth? How many of us say yes to every invitation because the world revolves around us and without us the whole world falls down? A boundary is a reverse golden rule. A boundary is saying I love others enough and I love myself enough that I'm gonna do what I need to do to stay whole and well so that I can go out and serve,

so I can go out and love, so I can be fully able to show up. When other people are speaking into your life, telling you what you're gonna do and when you're gonna do it and how you're gonna do it, your body will sound the alarms because it recognizes you're in the backseat of your own life. Somebody else is driving.

And so if you want to live a life free from anxiety, you have to choose boundaries. The journey starts with identity. And when you begin to identify who you wanna be, I wanna be a dad who laughs. I wanna be a wife who's not stressed out and running all the time. Because I'm someone who chooses freedom,

I'm going to pay off all my debts. Because I'm someone who chooses freedom, I'm getting rid of all the clutter. I'm putting margin in my calendar. I'm making a short, short list of who gets to speak into my life. Choosing freedom is about agency. It's about autonomy.

It's about you being in the driver's seat of your own life. Choose freedom and build a non-anxious life. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. That was Choosing Freedom. And on this day before Halloween, in this Halloween episode, and by the way, great job, Jenna. These, um... The beautiful banners. These very maternal banners.

Yes. They're very maternal. Happy Halloween and sparkles. Exactly. This is awesome. I think it's very clear that I did not decorate the studio, but it looks amazing. Very cool.

I was going to say, did you get these at Eckerd's, but I don't think Eckerd's exists anymore, does it? No, but that used to be, I think that's a very Texas, maybe Southern. Is it? Because I've said it to other people and they're like, I'm sorry, what? But that's where we got everything. Eckerd's, yeah. I think it's CVS bought them all. Yeah, all of our classic Halloween costumes. Yes. All the like, oh crap, it's Halloween.

Like the night before, mom would run you up there and figure out what was on sale. Exactly. that's what you got to be so good job for the pumpkin cat pumpkin cat alternative whatever alright so talk about scary movies here is I'm talking about two movies that were transformative for me actually three

one is and then I want to hear from you guys in the B-O-O-T-H so first one is me and my friend Tucker, we went to the movies, and this is back in the day, and for you youngins, you're going to think this is crazy. There was no Netflix. There was no, you had to have HBO. That was it.

And, or if you were, nevermind. So you had to have HBO. And otherwise you went to the movies and you could call in and it would take forever. Or you could look in the newspaper if you were a thousand years old, or if you're like most of us, you just went to the movies and whatever was playing, you just saw that movie. And so we went to the movies, me and my friend Tucker, and this movie Scream was playing and had Drew Barrymore in it. And we're like, whatever, let's just, there's no other movies. Let's watch that one. I was like, I heard it's scary that movie was so important for my development I think I was

maybe in my freshman year of college maybe not maybe I was in high school um maybe I was more through college I just remember watching it and spoiler alert Drew Barrymore is the first person on the poster like and she's the big star. And she dies in the first five minutes of the movie. And I remember just going, what? You can't do that. That's the star.

And then the whole movie was just wheels off. And I remember thinking to myself, I want that to be how when I do talks on stages. I remember thinking like, oh, I like that. I like no one knowing where we're going to end up. And some of y'all listening to the show thinking like, oh, I like that. I like no one knowing where we're going to end up. And some of y'all listening to the show

were like, yep, that's how every show is. We don't know how this thing's going to end. But I love that sense of, oh gosh, they just killed off like the lead actress in the first five minutes. Now what happens?

And it kept me really glued. And then, okay, what is your guys' scariest movie of all time? Actually, I have a clip of my favorite. Oh, you do? Yes. So we're going to play it real quickly. I didn't know you had, okay, hold on.

I know. Let me tell you, okay, I want to hear your favorite first. I want to watch your clip. Yes. If you're on podcast, please do yourself a favor and go watch this on YouTube because it's going to be well worth your time. Okay, go for it. God, you're the worst. You're the

worst. No! No! No! No! No! Listen. Listen. Talk after, just let it play.

See what you did there? Uh-huh. So, what were you going to say? My scariest movie was not that movie. It's pretty frightening. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah. Would you like to explain?

I got cast in a movie called The Wedding What was the name of it? Zombie Wedding at the Halloween Store A friend of mine was directing a movie and she cast me as one of the leads and it was a blast We would go after work and I would go to a wedding

to one of those Halloween stores and we filmed it and it's quite chaotic And I would go to a wedding, to like one of those Halloween stores. And we filmed it. And it's quite chaotic. Yeah. We can't find the movie itself. We've looked. But the trailer is on your IMBD.

I don't think, I don't know why we were doing that. I think that hurts my feelings. Can you send us the whole movie? I don't have it. I don't have it. Yeah, we can't find it anywhere. Yeah. But that's my scariest movie ever.

Good job. Good job. Ditto. Mine. What about yours, Ben? You know, I like Stephen King's It. That's a really good one for me. Oh, it's fantastic.

I've read the whole book and everything. It's great. No, no, no. Never seen it. Worst ever. Worst. Jenna whole book and everything. No, no. It's great. No. Never seen it. Worst ever. Worst. Jenna? I don't really like scary movies,

but I guess the scariest that I like, it's not really that scary, Black Phone. We watched it last year. I haven't seen that either. It is so good. It's like a psychological thriller.

I could do those. I don't do movies like It. Scream, I could probably do if it's like cheesy, like scary movie, the parody ones. I could watch do If it's like cheesy Like scary Like scary movie The parody ones I could watch those

Well those aren't scary I know Okay so the movie That tripped me out That like So whenever I'm about to get Like in a fist fight Or something gets really scary

I start laughing Like I get like a Like I don't know Like I get it Like a little giggly In my jaw Like my wife says She could see it coming

And she'll grab my arm And like pull me out of a situation Because she says my jaw Does a my wife says she could see it coming and she'll grab my arm and like pull me out of a situation. Because she says my jaw does a weird thing. Is laying in bed after we went and saw Paranormal Activity. Dude. Oh, that is bone chilling. I saw that too. I laid in bed.

I think everybody was freaked out that night. Dude, that was like for real. Because you lay there and you're like, I can't go to sleep. Nope. And there's so much silence throughout it. The whole movie is silent. And then there's just that. Yeah, I can't go to sleep. Nope. And there's so much silence throughout it. The whole movie's silent. And then there's just that, yeah, that one got me, dude. Got me.

And Blair Witch Project was pretty terrifying too back in the day. Oh my God, that was the worst. It was so stupid. No. I watched that and I was waiting for something to happen. The way that guy at the end, it got me. No. Nothing has touched paranormal activity for me.

That one just, That one melted me. Melted me, melted me. And what's your for real scariest movie? For real scariest movie... Would either be like The Exorcist. That's terrifying. Phenomenal, but terrifying. Or... Well, if I was truly something that would scare me

It would be it because I'm terrified of clowns But there's no chance How do you work on this show? There's no chance of me ever watching it So I don't have to be scared by it I have a t-shirt that said the only good clown Is a dead clown I'm not a fan

That's why she's on this show. She needs therapy herself. Hey, if you're not a scary movie person, just don't watch them. If you are a scary movie person, make good choices. If you can happen to find John's movie somewhere out there, please contact us.

Yes. We love you. I do we love you I do not love you that's not the first time you've said that hey be safe at Halloween love you guys

see you soon