The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband’s White Lies Are Ruining Our Marriage

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering why her husband keeps lying A dad struggling to talk about sex with his kids A wife whose father-in-law disrespected her in her home Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack? What are the latest round of lies? What's the latest big one that has brought you here? I don't think there's any like infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him. But you don't. Hold on. You don't. You know there are things beneath the service. I'm so glad you're with us. So glad you're with us. We're talking about your marriage and your relationships and who you're dating and your kids,

whatever you got going on in your life. So glad that you're with us. I'm John, I'm the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm just so grateful that you joined us. All right, Kelly. Yes. So much. So much here.

And I know it's like we're supposed to like, get right to the calls, but so much. So two things. Number one or three. We had this money, marriage weekend where we had couples from all over. I mean, there was international couples. There was everybody.

It was awesome. Came up here to Nashville and we had, like, it's by far the best marriage retreat I've ever been a part of. It was awesome. And this is not a sales pitch, but we are doing it again, Valentine's Weekend. If you're thinking of the right Christmas gift to buy and you want to double dip and do Christmas and Valentine's of One Fell Swoop, man, come join us in Nashville over the Valentine's Day weekend.

But it was awesome. And the next morning, it was over. We got done late that night, Saturday night, got up Sunday, early morning. And me and a local comedian, Matt Taylor, we drove to Chicago to do a stand-up event in a comedy club there in Nashville, I mean, in Chicago. Completely sold out. It was packed. And so it was like toggling from like teaching about marriage to just ripping jokes. And dude, like, you.

and the gang are like legends. It was awesome. They were like, dude, where's Kelly? And like, just having a few Kelly jokes was the best.

But they weren't laughing with me. They were laughing at me on your behalf. I very much appreciate that. Dude, seeing how much love they have, just in a comedy club, like 300 people packed into a dark room.

It was snowing outside. And it was just, they were ripping. It was so fun. And also, somebody at Money and Marriage brought you guys this shirt that I think is a complete abomination. So for those that are listening and not watching, the front of it says, is Deloney the problem? There's a little checkbox that says yes.

And then my favorite part, the back says Team Kelly. Which I think is complete false. And all you are wearing these shirts today. Yes. I told them, it was like, you don't have to wear them. It's totally up to you. I would just like point out. They're all Team Kelly too.

because you're their boss, which is kind of ridiculous. Not all of them, just a couple of them. It was awesome. But, dude, amazing weekend all the way across the board. Everybody here in Nashville,

I'll be there in Chicago, and I love seeing Kelly get some shoutouts, and even Nate Dogg, be money, even Alex and on a man, everybody, dude, it's awesome. I love it, love it. All right, let's go out to Morgantown, West Virginia.

Talk to Jade. What's up, Jade? Hi, John. How are you? good. How are you? I'm shaking out of my pants right now. No, keep your pants on. Keep your pants on. I'm so nervous. What's up? Oh, well, I'm really sick, so forgive my voice. I might be a little crackly. Oh, you're so good. I'm glad you're here. What's up? Yes, I'm going to jump in. My question is, how can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack?

that tells me that you're he doesn't handle uh confrontation very well that is correct tell me about that so well it's i don't know if it's relevant he's ex-military current law enforcement okay don't care he's a grown up yeah okay agree um but the emotion side of it is very lacking um i had kind of written down i didn't want to want to get sidetracked, but we were really good friends growing up. And during that time, I would pick up on little things that would get elaborated on or exaggerated about. Elaborated on. That's such a nice way to say he lied a lot. Yeah. But at the time, you know, where kids kind of just wrote it off, didn't pay attention to it, like thought he was trying to

impress me. And after we got married, I kind of still continued to pick up on the things. And I notice some of them are motivated about, or they're motivated about him trying to make himself look better, or some of them make absolutely no sense. And it's really so seamless that it's almost like you're still in the truth. And I don't know how to confront it, and I haven't in almost 10 years, because I know how it's going to go. And it's gotten to a point where I kind of need to. Okay, tell me what's, what are the latest round of lies, or what's the latest big one that has brought you hear? Or is it just cumulative? Well, it's kind of cumulative. There's been little ones in the past couple months. It's, I'm telling, it's very insignificant things that make no sense. Like,

why would you, why would you lie about that? And, um, I mean, that makes me think that there might be bigger ones. Exactly. Well, I can, let me say, I can guarantee you there are. Yeah. And you know that. Yeah. All right. You just got choked up there. What, what do you? What do you think the bigger ones are? I really honestly don't, because I fully, I don't think there's any, like, infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him. But you don't.

Hold on, hold on. You don't. Now you're going back to, you're going back to old you. Yeah. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it together. But you know there are things beneath the surface. Or let me say it this way. Let me change tracks here a little bit.

Okay. Let's say there's no. So, yeah, I want to take a completely positive altruistic approach to this, okay? Okay. And I want to change it from against him to for you. Okay. You get that frame? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So this conversation is for you. Let's say he would never cheat on you. Let's say there's no secret accounts. He's not spending money that y'all don't have. let's say that all of that is like when he get down to it he's actually a foundationally strong guy who you see a guy who doesn't love himself as much as you love him

yes yes and you see a man who feels like I've got to sand off every rough edge because I don't think I'm worth this woman that I'm with never have never will that yes that is it Exactly. Yes, that's on, that's how exactly how I feel. Okay. Yes. So if that's the, if that's, if that's what in your guts,

you believe to be true that really what you have in front of you is a guy who's dedicated his life to serving other people. Mm-hmm. And that you still see the same 16-year-old boy trying to impress you because he doesn't think he's enough. Right. And that maybe he has to, and I'm not saying this, I'm not saying this laughingly, I'm saying this serious. he has to jack up his Jeep or his truck. He has to always be carrying. He has to, has to, all of these things.

Because when he looks in the mirror, he's not enough. Yes, yes. And then you are sitting by this man that you've dedicated, you've given your whole life to. And you're like, no, but I see it. Yeah. If that's the case, that's the path. Okay.

to bring it up to him, like go down that path to bring it up to him. That would be my approach, which is I'm tired of sharing a bed with somebody who is so hard on himself, you can't even tell me the truth about the trash or the politics or about the light bill. Yeah. Okay. And I want you to know that I love you enough that I see all of you. I've seen all of you since we're teenagers.

and it's coming out in these little bitty cumulative lies. Like, it's not death by a 50 cow. It's death by BB gun. Yes, that's exactly it. Right. And so I am losing the ability to stay anchored to you, not because I don't love you, but because I can't love you more than you love yourself. Right.

Okay. And then you've got to have some data there. Sorry. another, I don't know, point, I feel sometimes him and his parents have some strife and sometimes, I know you say that we marry our unfinished business and sometimes I feel like I'm his mom in both how our relationship is

and just in the things I say and do and... Tell me about that. Give me an example of that. Gosh, he came from a hyper-religious household where he was never good enough. And I did not come from that, but I found the Lord later in life. And I wouldn't call myself hyperlegious, but I'm very set in my ways. And so, like, I was just in casual conversations and I'll say things. And I can tell he gets turned off. And he's a Christian, like, we're on the same page. He's just not as open about it. And. But you know why? Yes, because he's been

railed by his parents Yeah, it's an electric fence He can't touch it Yes, so is that something That I should kind of like Because I feel like he has all of these things Going on inside of him That can't be brought to the light

I guess because he's afraid To bring them to the light And I don't want to give him a reaction That makes him like crawl back in a shell When I bring something up So that makes sense It's 100% I have always found

like we talk about power in our culture and I recently heard Bray Brown say this and it was the most powerful sentiment I think I've heard in the last decade like I'm still ruminating over it because it was so powerful which is when you look at powerful leaders

who use power over somebody it's almost always an expression of what they're most deeply scared of and when you see people use power with or underneath it's people who are projecting into the world what they believe to be right and good here's what I mean when I if a grown man accosted my 15 year old son

I would exert power in that situation because I believe my son is worth treating with dignity and respect even though he's a 15 year old boy right right i would get underneath him to to challenge that situation if i need to express my power over a 15 year old so i can feel a little bit bigger in my house because this is my house these are my right then what i'm most scared of in the world is losing my son or him becoming a man underneath me, which is my whole role is to help him become a grown man, right?

So I tell you that to tell you, the most powerful people who use power well and long term. Always start these conversations by going first. Okay. And so for you,

it might simply be sitting down saying, I need to talk to you for two hours and I need to tell you some things that I need to make right with you. and I need you to stay present with me and not roll your eyes, no phones, no screens. This is a big deal for me. Yeah. Okay.

And if he won't have that conversation, then you all have bigger problems and you know that. Yeah. My guess is he would, though, right? I honestly do not know. Okay, okay. Yeah. And I would start the conversation with the words I say on the show all the time. I just realized over the last 10, 15, 20 years that we've known each other,

I always lead with judging you instead of being curious about you, and I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And anytime somebody leads, not with a fake sorry, because everybody knows if you're lying with a fake sorry. Yes. If you lead with actual, to use your faith tradition's word, actual repentance, I mess this up.

And I realize I'm duplicating what you. grew up with it, I'm sorry. That ends today. Okay. That would be a path to, it's an invitation. Right. And I'm going to be honest. You know this. And I know these officers. I spend my career working with police officers and with people, with veterans. There's some that will fill that space that you've just created with their own inflation. I knew it and weaponize it, right? Yeah. He's more of the quiet. I think he retreats. Okay, all right.

And so calling it out, I'm going to say some hard things about me, your wife, and I need you to not retreat, I need you to stay here. Okay. And it might be, I need you to hold my hand while I tell you this, because it's hard for me to say these things out loud. Okay. That sounds good. And this goes exactly counter to every bit of wisdom you're going to get on the internets

or on TikTok. Right, yes. Because they're going to tell you your husband lies, so you need to do boom, boom, boom, boom. And it takes a really brave, wise, honest person to say, have I created a world where he doesn't feel like he's enough. Now, I'm not giving him a pass. We're going to get to his actions. And you'll get to a place where you say, I can't, when I'm choosing to be curious, I can't always be wondering if you're telling me the truth. Right.

But we'll get to that. But if you lead first in this situation and you're honest, like you really believe that you've helped create this, co-create this context, I mean, I don't know another path that would be more genuine and more honest. And again, conflict is connection that would bring you all together through this tense moment.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. But you can't go up there and just totally roll over either, right? Right. Yeah, there's a balance. There's a balance, right? but if you're inviting him if you think that there's an affair going on this might not be the best track in fact I know it wouldn't be

if you think he's got a hundred grand in gambling death you don't know about and you just have that six cents that's just brewing this isn't a good track no that's not that's a definite no yeah and if you're not safe

if he's abusive or we'll scream and yell or whatever he sounds like a guy that works really hard to take his anger and bottle it up and he just says the best thing I can do for everybody, including my wife and myself, is to retreat, to bail. Yes, that is exactly it. Okay. And he's, and he's, I mean, he's amazing.

He really is. That's why we were best friends, and that's how we got started. And it's just, you know, it's just inflated over the years and become a thing. So if you say the words, I'm so sorry, I've become your mom, and you don't deserve that, and I don't want to be that. I want to be your old, like, hot girlfriend again. right and he's a lot he's maybe co-created a world where he's kind of forced you to right and so but you going first is such a display a of strength and power and be it's walking up to a guy with a sword and saying i could cut you with this so i'm going to lay it down because i don't want

to fight yeah i want to be together yeah that's good yes and so at the end of this and you might want to write all this out, when I have these kind of conversations in the past with my wife, I've written it out because I get all jumbled up. Yes. I'm an over-emotional guy. Not.

I can't relate to dealing with that. But like being able to say I'm going to not be your mom anymore and it's going to take me some time to practice, I'm going to, I want to hear about what's going on inside of you when it comes to your faith. Yeah.

And I recognize you grew up getting hit for saying what you believed or didn't believe anymore. And I want to tell you, like, Jay, like, one of my favorite things about being married to the person I'm married to is we have different beliefs. I love it. Yeah, definitely. But one of our values is we're always looking for truth. And we share that.

And we just end up in different places sometimes, which is awesome, which is why I send her an episode of a podcast, and she sends me a book to read. Like, we're always challenging each other's beliefs because we're anchored into the same value, which is we want to know the truth. Right. yeah but man if you can get there I'm talking if our world leaders if our business leaders if our husbands and wives in this and our teacher would lead like this you're talking about a transformed society but that's too big for you and me but we can do this in our homes right yes I love that that's true okay so I think lovingly confronting him in this moment is walking up to him and inviting him

in with whatever way you know how to invite your husband. You know it better than I do. I'm just throwing stuff at the wall. But going first. And again, everybody listening, this only works if you know the person across the table from you as a person of character and they're not going to weaponize your vulnerability.

They're not going to beat you up literally physically with it. But they are seeking connection too. They just don't know how to put their hand through that electric fence and they're not going to do it anymore man what a powerful shift inside your home do me a huge favor jade write this stuff out invite him to this hour or two hour conversation tell him hey i don't need you to say anything i just needed this out on the table and i want to plan tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening

after you've had some time to process it i want to plan another hour or we circle back because i want to hear from you and that way he doesn't have he doesn't have to defend himself in the moment he doesn't have to defend you in the moment he just gets to metabolize it a little bit and my hope is he steps up he really steps up and will come back to the table and say you're right i struggle with telling the truth or god yes i know i'm always sanding the edges off i'm always fudging the corners and i'm not going to do that anymore and i'm going to work hard to like be more honest about x y or z i'm going to send you and it's going to sound patronizing like i'm trying to make a sale before christmas i'm not I'm going to send you the questions for humans' intimacy deck and the couple's decks, and here's why.

Having a neutral third-party thing, having a deck of cards that puts questions on the table allows the relational pressure to be on the deck of cards not on each other. Because it's like, hey, the deck asks this question. I mean, and it sometimes acts as like a workaround for that initial pain because you can be mad at the deck. Like, that's what it said. And I'm going to send all four decks to you. I want you to keep those. This isn't for the first couple of conversations,

but this is for ongoing date night. This is for the weekly meeting you're going to have to talk about your calendar or whatever. This is going to be that. And you can use a couple of these just to kind of grease that conversation. Thank you so, so much.

Man, the way you ask that question is so beautiful and your desire to continue loving this guy and also saying, I can't be in a house where everybody lies to me or where you lie to me. Being able to hold that tension is so great. Tension is the path forward. here you're the best thank you so much jade let us know how this conversation goes i can't wait to hear about it when we come back a man wonders how to have the talk the talk with his kids we'll be right back

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You won't be disappointed, and I promise you they will sell out. Montana Knife Company does limited runs, so you better get there soon. That's Montanaknife Company.com. All right, Atlanta, Georgia. Let's talk to Colton. What up, Colton? Hey, John. Thank you, sir, taking my call.

Of course, brother. Thank you for calling in. What's up? Yeah. So I'll ask a question, and I'll give a little bit of background. That's why I'm asking the question. So my question is, is how do I have the talk about sex and things around that with my boys? My oldest is 13, so I feel like I'm late to the game on it. Yeah. If I've not had that conversation before now. But the reason I'm asking is because me and my wife, we grew up in super religious. backgrounds very strict on that and uh the way sex was portrayed to us back then was you know sex is bad you know touching all that kind of stuff i mean even up until um we got married when we

were engaged and stuff like that we weren't we didn't spend no time alone with each other um things like that so it there was a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to that and um then we uh we got married and then it was like you know hey you know know, everything's on the table, have a good, you know, have a great day and kind of left in the dark on it. So, and me and my wife, we got married when we were 19 and we weren't, we weren't ready for marriage at all. I know I've heard you say, you know, that sex is, you know, the symptom, not necessarily the cause. It can be the cause too, but yeah, it can, it can bubble up in your in your sex life for sure like conflict and so we had a very unstable um few years

the first few years of marriage talking about from emotionally to financially um all that and um sex was a big one um you know the only thing i knew about was from work um my parents never did talk about it um she knew next to nothing um her parents never did really talk to her about it either and what happened was is it kind of developed a lot of anxiety around it, especially on her part. And at the beginning of our marriage, it was more of what drove us apart than it did bringing us together. And now that we know that, the thing that I'm struggling with is, you know, even though we don't have the exact same scenario is what I had, you know, both of us had growing up with our boys.

the, I feel like the strong and healthy connection with it needs to be talked about. Yes, big time, big time. I don't know how to broach that subject because, you know, I never did have that. Yeah. Man, the A, the fact that you're asking this question and the way you just talked through it is amazing. Thank you. I'm proud of you and your wife not giving up on each other, even if y'all just stayed together because somebody in your faith community said God would hate you if you did.

It doesn't matter, y'all are here. Absolutely. And it tells me that y'all kept fumbling through it, and you kept scratching and clawing, not just for a better sex life, but for each other. I also, I just have to do this just for entertainment value. Yeah. Like, you for sure know you're about like probably nine years late on this one, right?

I know. Okay, good. All right, all right. Okay. So everybody listening, the earlier, the better. You gave me a roadmap, which is the exact roadmap I want you to use with your 13th. year old, which is you take him out and you tell him, this is not the big sex talk. Yeah.

But this is your dad being honest with you in a way I've never been honest before. Okay. Which is my mom and dad, I knew there were certain things we were not allowed to talk about in our house. Okay. And this is going to stop. And I've started to do this again, and I'm in. it today.

Yep. And so what you're going to do is you're going to lead with where you messed this up, where mess this up, which is not what strong, southern, religious men are trained to do, especially with their boys, right? No, not at all. You're going to go from. That's how it was with, you know, my family and even her family is a very private thing, even the show outward affection, you know, and that could be just, you know, hugging or kissing

or whatever it is, you know, never did see that a lot. Yes. And I can say that me and my wife have come a long ways when it comes to that. So, you know, it's nothing for, you know, them to see us hugging or whatever. Oh, right. It needs to up it, up it. Absolutely. You need to have affection for your wife that makes your teenage boy roll his eyes.

I'm serious, I'm serious. Not full on groping, don't be doing boob grabs in the kitchen or whatever. He needs to see that when you walk in the door, you avoid him and go straight to her for a 30-second hug. That's right. That y'all kiss too long. That her hands creep down a little bit. Absolutely.

Or that she whaps you on the booty as you're walking out, if that's okay for both of it. Right? You get them saying it. And having him go, oh, gross. That's what you're looking for, okay? Now, I've talked to people even on this show who take that way too far.

yeah right and i'm not saying about that but the greatest gift you can give him is an expression of healthy intimacy not sexuality he's 13 but and god there's some things in his head that he everyone has the story of they walked in on their parents right he doesn't need that but he does need to see this is what sexuality outside of a bedroom expressed by two people who would burn the world down for each other this is what that looks like and even if it's awkward especially if that's awkward. And I want you to be intentional about saying body parts out loud. Yeah, and that's why I struggle with it. I know you do. I know. I know. But I want him to hear you say the words. Say it and say it with somewhat of a smile on your face. Okay. Like looking at your 13-year-old

boy being like, son, I've never said penis before. And I got one and you got one. And his eyes will get as big as saucer plates. And you can also, with a smile on your face, not laughing, making fun, but a smile and say, you've never heard me say a vagina. And that's where you came from. And hopefully he goes, oh, my, I hope that happens. Okay?

Yeah. And here's what we're doing. We're just taking the temperature down around the conversation. That's right. Right. And you leaning over. That's the concern about it,

you know, because they go to public school, We weren't, we were homeschooled, but, so I know they've heard stuff. That's, that's not, you know, but I know what I heard from work, you know, before. Oh, brother, brother, brother. It is nothing compared to what they're hearing. Oh, I'm sure. And be honest with you, every one of their friends has a smartphone, everyone. So hearing his dad say, son, you've never heard me say boobs before, like, his eyes will pop out of the back of his head.

and they should because you're his dad for God's sakes but you can say I know you're seeing this stuff I know your friends are talking about this stuff and I need you to know

there is nothing more amazing than this especially in the right context and I've not done a good job of letting you know I'll always tell you the truth and these idiots are not going to tell you the truth

and social media and pornography is a horrific place to learn absolutely and so hearing your dad say boner or erection will blow his mind but also you telling him i get him too and if you tell him in context you're probably waking up in the middle of the night that means your body's working perfectly yeah and suddenly oh i don't have to be ashamed of my body i don't have to of course that feels good when i'm in the show like all those things again not we're not being

crass but it's letting him know dude i'm a guy too yeah and this thing is amazing and i'm here's the here's the cup thing i want him to walk away from that conversation not knowing the mechanics of sacks and blah blah blah y'all will get to that stuff but in this conversation i want you to not poke a hole i want you to blow up the balloon around the tension i'm a safe place and i'm a guy too yeah and christians have body parts for god's sakes yeah And your body's not disgusting or gross in any shape, form or fashion. That's right.

And it's just going to be leading by example. And then here's what I have found the magic, not just in my house, but with anyone I talk to, is your wife leaning into this too. And here's what I mean by that. When your 13-year-old son comes down in gym shorts and no underwear,

her being able to say, I can so see your penis go put on underwear right and here's what we're doing we're teaching him that moms can say those words too yeah

and that there is appropriateness right you gotta put on underwear and whatever and I can see like all but we're just taking the temperature down on the conversation that's right and currently right now it's you know more just looking at me saying

hey go deal with it she's got to be involved in it yeah And if you, this never happens in my house, but if you take it too far, then you want her to hit you. Yeah. Like, and playfully, right? Right. Because we're also going to teach our boys there's a time and a place.

And so when my son ripped off what I think is one of the single funniest, that's what she says of all time. my wife hit me because I started laughing so hard and she knew he got that from me and I was able to say hey when you and I, there's a time and a place when you and I are out in the hunting or when you're with your buddies there's a time and a place for jokes

and that's your mom dude, right? Right. And so it is, it again, it's not making a mockery it's just saying sex is none of us would be here without it and it could be one of the most amazing parts of your life especially if you have a ride or die spouse that you'll commit to service and to loving all that stuff that you know that's right that's the thing that that really blew me and my wife you know mind was the fact that when we when we figured out how how much it affected the relationship.

We were like, wow, why haven't we heard more or why don't people talk about it more in a healthy way with the right person? It's one of the great colossal failures of the faith communities. Yeah. Because what they have done is they have forced kids, young people, into the open arms of the algorithms.

Yeah. Because kids are curious. Thank God, that's how the species has survived. That's right. And kids have learned that my parents, the two most important people who are teaching me about how the world works have let me know, this is off limits.

And the church has burned it down in schools. The church doesn't talk about it in the buildings. The church doesn't talk about it at homes. They don't teach parents how to talk about it. Yeah. And not in a very clinical way, but in a, dude, it's hilarious, and it's fun, and it's messy, and there's noises, and there's smells.

There's all this stuff to it. That when you get, you remember, you get dumped into a room at 19 or 22 or 25, and you think something's broken, you think something's wrong, you think something's off. Yeah, right? That's right. And you have the chance. You can't change that globally unless you want to go to your church leaders and say, this is stupid and we're harming a generation of kids.

We're forcing them into the, into pornography being their sex ad. Yeah. Like, but you can change this in your house. Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I want to do. That's a, because I don't want them to develop an unhealthy view of it based on what they've heard,

you know, because what they've heard from their buddies or, you know, when they go to work or whatever it is, it's not going to be in that. It's not going to be honoring. Yeah. No. And also, it's going to be something that,

here's what you take from somebody. Yeah. Sex is something you try to extract from a person. Yep. Instead of sex is connecting, it is stress relieving, It is feels awesome. It's a way to honor somebody.

It's all those awesome, amazing things. But again, you letting him know, hey, I got no, none, zero training on this. And so you tell him, I get to have a red face when you ask me a question. It's not because of you. It's because of me. That's right. I get to go, pu-p-pah-pah-punus. It'd be like, it's not because anything's wrong.

It's because your old man's awkward. Yep. Right? absolutely and you give him that permission good god almighty yeah right that's i mean in this here's the other thing this cannot people ask me all the time i got asked 25 times this past weekend at a marriage retreat i was running how did you have the talk the talk the talk and i have to tell every one of them i have not had of the talk with my kids yeah it is an ongoing conversation that goes on all the time that's right all the time that's the thing where it gets it gets presented you know because

i've looked up online trying to figure out you know and it's always presented as the talk that is a catastrophic because here's what it does it heightens the drama right right now i have had very specific talks about hey you're this age now here's what's about to be coming your way yeah hey you're going to be tempted in this way like um here's this this here is the way my son's going out to his first dance last year here is how you honor somebody else's

daughter yeah right but those like we have those kind of moments right but they're not one and done events sexuality has to be and I'm talking about sexuality like everything from like I say like your wife going

hey put some underwear on I can see your wang dang all the way through your shorts right like that all the way to hey you're 18 you're about to go to college here's what's about to happen

or you're 16 and you're about to go on your first date yeah I want to walk you through some choices I want you to make today before you head into that car right right and it opens up the door from work you know

understanding more and them you know receiving it better I think telling the 13-year-olds, of course you want to see naked people, of course, because it's awesome. And there's a context for it. Right. Right. And so leading with that, my God, dude, you're talking about a transformation of a generation.

You are teaching your kids that you're always a same place. You're always going to be curious first instead of that stupid. Let's move on. And about all kinds of topics. But as for you and this one, man, I'm so, so proud of you, dude. amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing. Now, now you've got to go make it happen. I'm grateful for you, brother.

We come back. We talk to a woman who is torn between protecting her peace and preserving her husband's relationship with his dad. This time of year, we're giving away our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, we're giving away something way more personal, our personal data. And this is why I use and recommend delete me. I like a good deal as much as the next guy,

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It comes from knowing your data is not for sale. And right now, you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to join delete me.com slash deloney. That's join, j-o-I-in, join-deletme dot com slash deloney. All right, St. Louis, Missouri. Let's talk to the great and wonderful Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? I'm doing okay. I'm a little nervous, but I'm happy to be talking to you. I'm glad you called. What's up? Yeah, yeah. So about seven months ago, my husband and I, I invited my father-in-law over for dinner, and as the night progressed, my father-in-law

ended up drinking quite a bit, and things escalated to where he ended up raising his voice at me and pointing his finger at me. Oh, over what? Yeah, and so it was, it was silly, honestly. I think it was just, I think it was a combination of alcohol and just conversations. and he's always been kind of a confrontational person, but things have never risen to that level of disrespect. So I ended up asking him out of the house.

So it's funny that you think that. So I actually ended up asking him to leave and he refused. And he just kind of continued sitting at our table. And so I excused myself from the situation. and after about 30, 45 minutes, he ended up leaving. Where was your husband right in all of this? Yeah, so he was here. He witnessed the whole thing.

And, you know, he did not respond in the way that I would expect my husband to if I'm being completely honest. Yeah, dude. Have you told him that? I did. I did. So we had a pretty honest conversation after the fact. And I just, you know, explained to him my disappointment.

in his lack of response and, like, you know, just being on my side and something like that. And if he acknowledged that and apologized and, you know, said moving forward, if that, you know, something like that happens again, you know, he knows how to respond and would do such. But so now I, and I told my husband, I said, you know, he's not welcome back in my home. I'm not in a place where I'm willing to tolerate that level of disrespect from anybody. And he agreed that was seven months ago. And so now time has passed and the holidays are coming up. And he's been kind of pressuring my husband to see us.

And I just don't really know, you know, you always say like what the next rate thing is. I just don't really know what that is. The next right step for you is you have done the next right step. Okay. Okay. The next right step is for your husband to go sit with his dad. and say you did this to my wife well she was talking

I do not care what she said in any shape, form or fashion nobody raises their voice and points their finger at my wife at my kitchen table, period. Yeah, yes. And so if you want to see my wife again, my expectation is you will call her or go see her and apologize.

Right. And there is no more drinking at my home. Yes, yeah, yeah. So the next right move is your husband's to make. Okay. Okay. If he does not want to do that, then he is, behaviors of language, he is choosing for your father-in-law to never come to your house again.

Right, right. Okay. Period. In the story, conversation's over. Okay. And if that man calls you and says, I really screwed up and I'm sorry. I disrespected my son's wife. I disrespected you and your.

own home and I apologize deeply and I will not drink at your house again which by the way none of this is going to happen you know that I know that but yeah um I'm not drinking at your house anymore I messed up I'm sorry then you have a choice your next right step is am I going to let him in my home or not right but you have made the next right step okay okay I just um yeah I I and my father-in-law has not, like, reached out to me at all. We haven't seen or, yeah. But here's the thing, I want you to also own what's actually happening here. Okay.

Your father-in-law is not pressuring y'all. Your husband is pressuring you. Yes, okay. And let's own that. Mm-hmm. If you circling back and saying, hey, I'm headed down a path of just not respecting you again. Because your father-in-law is. trying to hand you a cinder block and you're handing it to me instead of you handing it right

back to your dad right right that's um that's hard to hear i know but it's true it's true yeah and again i again this is going to sound counter to anything you're going to get on the internet's right so i want to is as hard as the texas mail in me right once i mean i'm just trying to see as you were talking i was trying to imagine what that would be like like in my house if that happened right right like and again i'm over dramatic and i'm over responsive but the thought of somebody being in my house yelling and pointing at my wife across our kitchen tail dude that would not end well at all for anybody right yeah and i'm thinking my dad my dad bro no chance right and so but here's a thing i'm draconian on some of those things

and i'm also irresponsible on some of those things so i want to circle all the way back and give your husband because here's the thing if this is happening to you I guarantee you this was the childhood he grew up in right oh for sure yes okay so we don't have to but we could choose compassion with him uh-huh and as soon as his dad gets going your husband turns into a six-year-old boy again like like physiological I know what happened it is and we could beat him up for it you're a grown man you married me we could do that and in a strange way you could probably be justified doing that but we also know that doesn't work because then he becomes a six year old in your house too right or we could say hey

I see this happening again as an outsider here's the next right move for us right is you standing up on two feet and you going back taking that center block that your dad's trying to hand you with that he's trying to hand you I need you to hand this back to your dad and say, if you want to see us again, if you even want an inkling, if you want to be welcome to knock on the door again, here's that path. And your husband's going to have to go from a six-year-old to a 30-year-old man overnight, and it's going to be hard, and it might cost him his quote-unquote relationship with his dad, and if your husband was on the phone with me, I would tell him you've never

had a relationship with your dad other than his dad got a lifetime punching back. yeah yeah right that break i mean that breaks my heart of course it does you know for my husband um but your heart is already broken for him because you all have been playing a charade yeah right yeah yeah i mean absolutely it's always yeah yeah it's always like walking on eggshells around um around him yes and so it's your husband saying as for me in my house i don't walk on eggshells anymore around anybody. Yeah. And if you all still get financial support from him,

I know 30-year-old men who are all still on their dad's cell phone plan, like all those are still paying their car insurance kind of stuff, then you're going to have to reckon with that reality. Yeah, yeah. No, it's nothing like that. He does speak to him on the phone like at least once a week. I mean, so that relationship, and I want him to have that relationship with his dad. Like, that's something that I, you know, I want for him.

I know, but I want to challenge you on that. I don't think you're, I don't think that's true. Okay. I don't know that I would want my wife in that kind of relationship with anybody. Right. Yes. Where every week your husband is checking a box. Yeah.

Basically, he's putting on a mouthpiece and putting on boxing gloves every week. Yeah. Yeah. Right? To keep the peace. To keep the piece. peace. Yeah. And that's not, that, that isn't, that's not peace. Yeah, for sure. It's not peace. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. So if you're, if your husband, like by the way, this is very hard. If your

husband wants to call me, I would love to talk to him through this conversation. But here's the thing. I think the path back to your husband is your dad is still, even though, though he's not at our kitchen table, he's still finding a way between the two of us, and I'm not going to allow that. I don't want your dad continuing to come between us. His dad, a grown man, made choices. And so he made choices to disengage from this relationship. He then has to own the path back to re-engagement, which in this case is a, profound heartfelt apology and behavior change and he gets to choose but your husband needs to hand that cinder block right back to him and say dad i'm not going to carry this you got to go set this down

at the feet of my wife and by the way your husband is owed an apology too i'm sorry i came into your house and got drunk at your table and disrespected your wife like that i embarrassed you as my son i'm sorry that's the path I wish it was more complex than that, but it really isn't. And I can guarantee you, and just tell you right now, y'all are going to go this holiday season without seeing him. And I would further say, because he's not going to go do this stuff, I hate to be negative Nelly, but he's not going to.

But there will be grief in your home that he's not there, and you're going to feel, quote, unquote, bad because your husband's not with his dad over the holiday season, but I'm willing to bet your home will have more holiday peace in it than it's had in years because you're not going to have a rabid dog walking in the front door that you never know who they're going to bite. You're going to be sad that there's no dog in the house.

But man, y'all might have peace for the first holiday season in a long, long time. And also, I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in redemption. Maybe he does. Maybe old man calls you and says, I need to talk with you. and if you really want your dad to have a relationship I mean your husband have a relationship with his dad and you have this picture one day of this grandfather who loves your kids

this may be that moment and you could decide to enter back into it with you know some behavioral conditions but sorry this happened to you I really am and man I love the idea of a husband of a son having the opportunity to put his shoes on his boots on and stomp all over the eggshells because I ain't walking on eggshells anymore

because as for me in my house nobody comes in my house and disrespects my wife thank you so much for the call Nicole we'll be right back this show is sponsored by BetterHelp I want to talk about traditions Traditions are things you do every week or every year, and they can be great, and sometimes they can feel like an obligation. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones, and the not so valuable ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore and help you consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I want to recommend my friends a better help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world, and they're trusted by millions of people.

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Something cool that happened. What's up, Kelly? Yes. So this is from a listener who asked me to, first of all, not say her name, and she asked me to wait until after Christmas. So this shows airs on the 29th. Okay. So now I'm going to read this one.

My younger brother got married this year, and I used your questions for humans, couples, and intimacy decks to put together a new marriage advent calendar for he and his wife. I included questions every day, date, night prompts, and other resources to help build their marriage toolkit. My own 10-year marriage has been very difficult, but the last 18 months have been transformative, and I feel that some of these simple tools could have saved us a lot of heartache. I love my brother and his wife dearly and want to support their new life together. your questions and teachings have helped me do that thank you for the work you do to help people connect and grow in their relationships well miss anonymous thank you for being somebody that has seen your challenges and you don't want somebody else to experience them in the same way so you're actually like taking action steps to help somebody love well in their new marriage that's

awesome awesome awesome awesome congratulations hey it's in between now it's in between christmas and new years this is when i want y'all to really start doubling down on your friends, on work, on your marriages, on the person you're dating, who are we going to be in 2026? Who are we going to be? And then we're going to start putting action steps on the calendar that are going to back up these new identities.

2026 is coming and you get to choose what kind of year you want to have and you get to choose who you want to be. Love you guys. Bye. Thank you.