The Dr. John Delony Show - My In-Laws Are Deep Into Conspiracy Theories

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I have 2 great step-kids, but we have none of our own. How do I stop comparing myself to their moms? My in-laws have gotten really deep into conspiracy theories. We have tried to set boundaries, but it has not gone well. Conspiracy theory theories - Dr. Peter Attia I’ve heard you talk about friend groups that hold you accountable. How do you build that? Lyrics of the Day: "Never Say Goodbye" - Bon Jovi   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: parenting, kids, adoption, boundaries, friendship, family, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

Hey on today's show we're going to talk to a mom who keeps comparing herself to other moms we're going to talk about what to do when your in-laws are conspiracy theorists we're going to talk about building strong accountable friendships for men and women we all need them. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. And I never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has. Remember that song? Makes me wonder if I could. Man, Brendan Herson got me into ska music back when I was in high school, dude. That song was so good. Never have. Love it, man. Hey, so, hey, we're so glad that you're with us. We're talking about mental health, relationships, work, anything you can imagine, we're talking about on this show. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, we have crossed the million.

We had our best month again in our production meeting the other day. The numbers guys, the zeros and ones guys said, man, it's just becoming a broken record. We keep breaking records after records every month after month. So thank you so, so much for joining us and for walking alongside us. A couple of cool things. Number one, dude, my favorite band of all time, Social Distortion. They just celebrated their 40-year anniversary.

And I guess it's, I don't know who, one of the board members, Blake, here's a music aficionado. And Social D did a partnership with Madison Sunglasses. The sunglasses I buy are usually $5 at Home Depot. And these are fancy pants, man. And he gave them to me as a gift. Fancy sunglasses and Social D on my face,

on my big giant square head. Man, shout out to Blake. Thanks for making my dreams come true. And James, this is a big moment for the show. Somebody reached out on the interwebs to me, talking some trash, and it was something along the lines of, both you and James are idiots. Because, they said, Fender, idiot. Gibson, idiot. And he posted this picture of this all white and gold Gretsch.

Like these giant, for those of you, it's inside baseball and guitar nerds, but it's this big semi hollow body or hollow body dramatic guitar for billionaires to play with horn sections like Brian Setzer. For folks who, man, who think, you you know what I can't get my truck lifted because I'm just not that kind of person and I don't want to lower my Honda Civic I'm gonna get a Gretsch that'll show them right I think that I think we just found a common enemy that can unite us I think I think from this point forward you and I are united you will wheel up your Stratocaster and your Roland Jazzmaster, and I will bring my Gibson and Marshall, and he'll bring his 30-piece horn section and his low self-esteem,

and he'll play some whittly-dee-dly-dee. Pretty sure Fender owns Scratch, by the way. Not just the company, but also pejoratively, Fender Oaks Gretsch. Internet burn. I don't even know what all that means, but I would thumbs down you if I had the ability to do that. So how do you like them apples? James, I like to see this show brings people together, including you and me. You and me, we found a common enemy.

Bring it, Gretsch. Next thing we know, we're going to get some Paul Reed Smith guys saying, but my guitar is the best. Just look at Creed. And then the show will have won. The internets will be over. It'll be awesome. So, hey, if you want to challenge me and James to your fancy guitar off, you'll probably win because I'm not that good,

but James is a really great player. So I challenge you to bring it. All right, let's go straight to the phones. Let's go to, I always say let's go straight to the phones after meandering around for a while. Now let's go to the phones. Let's go to Ashley in Boston. Hey, Ashley, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm so good. How about you? I'm doing all right. I'm a little nervous. I'm very excited to talk to you. I'm super nervous too. And I'm excited to talk to you also. So we can be nervous together. Let's figure it out. What's up? So, um, I've been listening to your show for a while and I really haven't heard this question get brought up. Um, so I will just get right into it. Um, I am a mom of an eight-year-old daughter, and I have been married to my husband for seven

years. He also has two children who are not mine, so we both have children that we brought in prior, so we don't share any children together. We've been together for seven years. All the kids have grown up together. Both of his children are actually 10. They're six months apart, so they're from two different moms. My daughter is also, like I said, from a different dad. And over the past seven years, we've really worked hard on trying to basically create this family for when we're together as normal as possible, whatever normal means, whatever that means in 2021. Right.

And as the kids are getting older, you know, it's becoming, I think, just with the way that things are so different now and technology and different temptations. I mean, growing up as a kid is a lot different than even when I grew up. Right. And I'm really struggling and my husband and I are struggling with the difference in households and kind of that transition period of when we get my stepkids back. We share like a week on week off schedule with his kids. And, you know, the expectations at the mom's household are a lot different than ours.

And it feels like, you know, we're kind of more like the rural household. We have the party house in the Twinkie house and then the fruits and vegetables house. Basically. Yes. Boo. house? Basically, yes. Boo! Fun ruiner, Ashley. And it's hard because as a stepmom, you know, I'm not their biological mom. Their moms are completely in their life. And, you know, we've had some really big ups and downs with those relationships, um, with the relationships with those other moms. Yes.

Um, you know, we've gone through some legal stuff with a different mom. We've done just different things. And, and, you know, I have a pretty good relationship, um, with my stepson's mother, I think better than my stepdaughter's mom. And it's caused a lot of strain, I think, on my relationship with the kids and trying to navigate not resenting the kids for their moms or not comparing myself constantly to the other moms. Yeah, I was going to ask you you why do you compare yourself to those moms um because i guess i'm always second guessing if i'm doing it right if you know because i'm not their biological mom hey every parent on planet earth a hundred percent of

the time second guesses whether they're doing it right or not. And those that don't second guess are usually insane. Like they have this like, this is the way to do it. And then those kids keep the Mental Health Association of America afloat. There's not a Mental Health Association, but they keep all the psychologists and family therapists afloat for the next generation. Yeah, comparison is, I mean, you know this, that it just steals your soul from you, right? Very much so. But usually when I am comparing myself to something, it's because, A, I'm not totally secure in what I'm doing, right?

Whether it's about exercise or diets or whatever. I haven't fully done the work to know right where I stand on my values and what I believe. And then the other part is this insecurity as though I have this imaginary standard. I'm trying to live into some fantasy that doesn't exist. Does that make sense? Yes. And I guess that's, you know, this is my first time being a stepmom. I've been doing it for seven years. So are you doing a fun sound and i'm saying fun because i like chaos that's just a thing i love so you guys have a fun household right you've got three three was it three moms two dads is that right yeah three moms two dads and a merry-go-round and y'all are trying not to get dizzy on a merry-go-round and y'all are trying not to get

dizzy on a merry-go-round. And so that's always going to be hard. And at the same time, you're going to have more opportunity for adventure and vomiting and laughter. Does that make sense? It's all of it, right? It is. And I think that's what I'm struggling with most now is that I think this constant comparison comparison or I guess even second guessing, like does bedtime really matter? They don't have, you know, different bedtimes at mom and dad's and the transition period, I think longer now because it takes them a couple of days to like reacclimate to what we're doing or, you know, we have chores and we have responsibilities and, you know, extracurricular activities. And we always want the kids to be doing different things, but I,

you know, some of the other parents don't agree with that and they don't share that same value. So then I start second guessing, you know, which one's right and wrong. And I feel like I'm more of like a military parent, almost like I'm constantly worried about everything kind of being perfect so that our chaos isn't so crazy. But then let me relieve you of that. You're not going to do this perfectly. You're not. My two kids, me and their mom are stable and that's that y'all aren't stable you know it's there's not all this chaos there's not coming and going and dude we're screwing it up all right so you're not going to do it perfectly one of the big challenges um in blended families is a the

fantasy that we're going to make this just like our fantasy about a regular family and as you mentioned there's not really a regular family that's not that's not a thing make this just like our fantasy about a regular family. And as you mentioned, there's not really a regular family. That's not a thing. It's just kind of – it's sometimes a media fabrication, right? And then on top of the quote-unquote regular family, the wife, the stepmom often is the one tasked with pulling all these strings to make sure this thing looks the way the fantasy is supposed to look. Does that make sense?

Yes. And so my challenge to you is to absolutely let that go. Because here's what's going to happen. Having boundaries is going to be annoying for any teenager in any home of any shape, size, whatever. Boundaries are hard, especially for kids. They are wired to bang their heads up against those boundaries. And when they're toggling back and forth, off, week on, week off, week on, it's even harder. I'm not a huge fan of the week on, week off for this very reason. It's hard for a child to toggle back and forth.

And a 14, 15, 11, 12, those are children, right? Your values are your values. And as long as you're continuing to get wisdom, not from a comparison, but from people that you trust, and as long as you and your husband are communicating with each other, you don't have to apologize for your values. You don't have to apologize for your expectations for the kids when they're in your home. You just don't. And you have to expect that they're not going to like it. And your goal right now isn't for them to like you. Their goal, what you're doing is raising great grownups, great adults. And my promise is if you play a long game here, they will circle back and over time pick up. You'll see them adopt those things into their life that you're teaching.

So it feels militant to you. It's probably not. Right. It's probably not. I think the other thing that I'm struggling with, too, is maybe because me and the other moms don't share the same values or the same expectations, I think, sometimes for the kids that I tend to resent them or feel like, well, why don't they care about the kids as much as I do? And that's you trying to wallpaper over shame. Yeah. It's not real. And listen, all that's going to get you is this,

a kinetic tension when the kids are in your presence and they're going to start stepping away from you, not because you're boundaries, but because you're a third rail. And you're going to start asking those questions. Hey, well, what about, and how about, and they're going to hear you grumbling. They're going to see you roll your eyes. And then suddenly you're going to put them in a position to have to choose between this woman who my dad loves. So we clearly like her or we pretend we don't, but we do. She makes us safe. She's got hard boundaries, but she kind of doesn't approve of our moms. And I'm going to choose my mom every time because I'm a child. Right? Right. Don't put a child in a position to choose.

Don't do that. Be really proud of the values you and your husband have agreed on. That's awesome. Be really firm in how much you love, love, love those kids. Never, ever, ever talk bad about their parents, their birth moms. And if you've got to grit your teeth,

if you've got to go talk to a counselor, you need to go for a walk, then do that. But I'll tell you, asking questions like, why don't they love as much as, I guarantee you, those moms are saying, good, why can't they just, this woman just let my child have a good time? Why can't they just finish the movie on a school night for crying out loud why can't they just get a cell phone for right and so those things become circular they're a waste of your life and at some point somebody told you that what the what you believed what you think wasn't good whether that was your ex-husband whether that was your family whether that was your ex-husband, whether that was your family, whether that was wherever that came from. And I hate that for you because your values are good. They're your values, right? Yeah. And as long as they're tethered to things that are good and, you know,

strong and they're in relationship with other people, man, those are your values. So let me ask you this question. What's one thing you need to improve? And here's why I ask that. I often go on a comparison hunt when I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Right? I really get obsessive about other people's workout programs when I've just laid off for two weeks. I get really critical of the way somebody looks in their shirt or the way somebody's eating at lunch when I've let my diet go to crap, right? So I'll ask you, what's something that surfaced over the last year that you're really getting

self-conscious about that's making you go on the hunt for what other people are doing wrong in their lives? You said patience. Tell me about that. And I mean, I think being a working mom on top of it and you come home and everything's crazy and you're just trying to get tasks done. And when things go out of that and, you know, I tend to be patient and I don't feel like I give the kids enough of my attention when it's that time. And I know I've heard you talk about that, about dedicating certain times, you know, you wear different hats at different times. And, you know, I think I'm just not enjoying everything feels like

a task and i think that's you know part of this parenting journey but it it's not fun anymore you know like even when you go to do stuff where it just always feels like everything's being compared or say i mean just for instance say we're going to go take the kids to the zoo and on the ride up there, one of them might talk about the time they went to the zoo with their mom and that's all they're talking about the entire time. So that's what I mean by it never feels good enough sometimes that no matter what gift, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, it's, and I think the kids do that automatically just because they're kids and you want to talk about fun things you did with your friends so here's something important for you to know i love that you just told me that so number one you just called yourself out right this isn't fun anymore this is hard

running a blended family managing all these different parents trying to love two 10 year olds and a seven year old is chaos in the best of circumstances, right? Not to mention a messy circumstance like you guys have, okay? Exhale through that. You're in a season. It's like you walked outside in the middle of winter and you just think, I'm going to freeze to death because this is never going to warm up. I promise it is. Okay. A great thing you can do for yourself is to begin to think I'm going to default to relationships, not task. What's the silliest thing we can do right now? Or, Hey, everybody in the house, I just got home from work. We're going to have 15 minutes. I'm going to bomb everybody with water balloons or everybody. We're

going to have 15 minutes, everybody clean up, and then we're going to go do something. It's not fun for you. It's not rest for you, but it is default to relationship. And my promise is on the back end of that, you will feel better than coming home and trying to like crack a whip, get everybody to do their task, make sure everything's checked off and everything looks the way it's supposed to quote unquote look. The second thing is, is that very common in blended families is this pressure a 10-year-old feels to not abandon mom, to not abandon dad wherever they happen to be. And so when they go to the zoo with you, there is a part of them that feels like they are

abandoning their birth mom. And so they have to surface that. They got to bring that up so that they can let themselves know, I still value her, even though I feel really safe with this new woman, Ashley, even though I feel really excited to go with her to the zoo. Oh, I want to make sure I'm not letting go of mom. Does that make sense? That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a 10 year old feeling like their world's coming apart. Yeah. And that's, I think where

I'm struggling, where I feel like I'm having feelings towards the kids, even though I love them, but it's this constant like comparison or that. Listen, listen, do you love those kids yeah do you love those kids yes a lot i do okay i believe you and so when you hear them talk about their birth moms the most loving thing you can do is to say you are so lucky to have a mom that will take you to the zoo. You've got two moms taking you to the zoo. The luckiest kid ever. All right. Tell me about what you and your mom like to do at the zoo.

Lean into it. And you completely let go of that comparison. And if it drives you, I want you not to write a fence on this. I want you to lean completely into it. If you say, hey, everybody, it's 8 o'clock, it's bedtime, and one of them says, my mom lets me stay up until 9. I want you to say, all right, in our house, we've talked about this. I want you to go get in bed at 8. And then I want you to go sit by them when you're going to read them a bedtime story because it's good to read to kids and say, tell me about a nine o'clock bedtime.

What's that like in your mom's house? Lean all the way into it. Right? Lean all the way into it. Don't make a kid choose between who they're going to love. Let them know that both of them, both moms love them a lot. And expect that those conversations, those comparison things are not about you. They're about the kid feeling like they're having to choose and they're coming apart, right? And you look at the world that you're feeling less than. Where are you feeling shame? Where

do you feel like some of your relational stuff is in ash, right? Are you really busy at work and you're coming home and your kids are getting your second or third fruits? Is your husband not participating in some of this stuff? You need to get his lazy butt in there to help. Is there some places where you have in moments when things start rattling, you default to tasks and I want it to look this way versus, you know what? I don't give a crap. We'll do the dishes tomorrow. Hey, husband, you get your butt in here and do the dishes. We're going to go outside and throw grass at each. I don't know what y'all are going to do. We're going to go outside and kick soccer at each other. I don't know what y'all are going to do. We're going to go outside and kick a soccer ball around because I'm going to default to relationships first.

I think we've got an obsession with our kitchen's got to look this way. Our house has to look this way. I've got to finish these emails. I've got to, I've got to, I've got to. And we're waiting until all these tasks are done before we do relationship, and the tasks never get done, which means we never do relationship. And then we go comparison hunting. And then these things just turn into ash. They just melt, right? Ashley, I love your question. I love your heart. The answer's inside you.

And I am super excited to hear what happens when you transition to some of these new ways of doing things. Default relationships over tasks and start leaning really into those comparisons. Lean way into them and see if your kids don't exhale. You become a safe space they can talk about how cool their other mom is, their other house is. You become that safe space. I know it's hard. If you need to find someone to talk to, find someone to talk to.

Don't let comparison steal your soul. All right, let's go to Mike in Green Bay. Hey, Mike, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. Golani. Thanks for taking my call here. You got, man. What's up? My in-laws are into online conspiracy theories

and my wife had a... Hey, I just lost you. Come back one more time. Your in-laws are into online conspiracy theories, and my wife had a... Hey, I just lost you. Come back one more time. Your in-laws are... Into online conspiracy theories? Yes! Okay, tell me about it. I love those. It's kind of everything. It's the election, it's vaccines, it's monetary system, child sex trafficking, everything all in one. My wife had a boundary conversation with them that went very poorly. Okay. And we kind of patched it up a little bit, but it's extremely awkward talking to them.

My wife is struggling because she doesn't know who to talk to without making her parents sound crazy. And we're trying to figure out how to move forward with the relationship. How did the boundary conversation go? Like, I don't want, I don't want y'all to talk about this stuff anymore with me. I'm tired of hearing like, what, what did, how did it go? Yeah. Um, they'd started emailing stuff out to us and extended family. Um, and usually what they emailed wasn't terrible,

but the problem was the next video claimed that everybody who's vaccinated is going to die. And they sent it to people who were vaccinated. Hey, here's the thing that's true about that. Everyone who got vaccinated will eventually die. That's super true. I don't know what your problem is, Mike, but listen, everybody who got a vaccine is one day going to be dead. I think it was a two years claim in there that was a problem oh okay well fair enough all right um so it was basically we don't want you to talk to us about this we we don't find these sources

credible if you want to send something it's got to be credible and don't talk to our kids or we're not gonna you know this will be a deal breaker. And so I took it as an attack on my beliefs, which it, I guess, kind of was. Yeah. Plus, I think just freaked out about essentially saying, well, you're not going to see your grandkids if you don't stop. And so it went awkward. They said, you're attacking our beliefs. And so you guys put up a boundary and then they crashed into it and then what happened to that boundary did y'all say okay you can email us or did they say okay

we'll quit um i'd say it went way more than awkward it went horrible but they have respected the boundary okay it's just now it's extremely awkward to interact with them because you really can't share much of your life because of the beliefs are kind of intertwined in everything so you can't talk about what's happening without the risk of knocking into that oh so you can't talk about like what's going on in the world i guess you can't talk about health or politics or medicine or anything because y'all are at such odds yes okay. Okay. And so how can I help? I guess we're trying to figure out, do we just keep moving forward? I mean, it's kind of like there's an elephant in the room.

Do we need to address it? Do we move forward? Plus any advice on how my wife can get help? It feels like she doesn't have anybody to talk to because her parents are good people. Of course. And she doesn't want to bash them in front of friends. Yeah, yeah. So that doesn't help anybody. Okay, so let me back out a little bit.

There was a remarkable article a while ago. We'll link to it in the show notes from Peter Attia. He's one of the most brilliant minds on planet Earth, the guy who I have a lot of respect for. He wrote – he's a statistician and a medical doctor, longevity guy, but he wrote an awesome article on conspiracy theories. And he had a couple of things in there that gave me some more empathy than I've ever had. And so he talked about, and these are a lot of big words, but talks about some of the biases

and fallacies that attract people to conspiracy theories, like selection bias and confirmation bias, in-group bias and false cause of black or white fallacies and appeals to emotion, bandwagon, ambiguity, except all this stuff, right?

Burden of proof, right? All that kind of stuff. But then he goes on to say that often conspiracy theories may be wired into us for survival purposes and so here here's where he goes with that a let's pretend 10 000 years ago we're walking in the jungle and a splash occurs next to us more than likely that was a branch falling from a tree it was a rock it was filled any number of things but if we didn't jump and run that small chance that was an alligator

we're dead it's over and so there's a part of us that may be hardwired to see any sort of ah as this could kill me right any sort of glitch in the matrix any sort of, ah, as this could kill me, right? Any sort of glitch in the matrix, any sort of big splash, a loud noise, we are better off running and hiding and pointing because that keeps us alive. It makes us insane, but it keeps us alive, right? So he says that it's far more likely that it's nothing but the price to pay for being wrong can change our actions, even if the statistics are in our favor. Right. So at the end of the day, I think there's two things about the conspiracy. And I'll tell you, it's a sport for me.

I think they're hilarious and awesome. But here's the thing. I don't believe them, but they are super fun for me. I do have several friends that not aren't all in. They are a thousand percent in, in the most hilarious ways. I got coworkers here who are, dude, it is the most fun to have conversations. I feel like I'm on another planet. It's amazing. And here's what I think it's about. Number one, I think it's about control. It is really hard for us to step back and swallow the fact that a volcano may erupt

and just kill us all. It may be really hard for us to swallow the fact that, man, somebody on the other side of the world ate something and it spun up a virus or even scarier that there was a lab working on something and it accidentally got on a couple of guys and they just went to the store and then the whole world shut down. That is so terrifying because that proves to us,

we don't control anything. And so the only thing we can do is double down on, Oh no, no, this is a giant plot by people who know what they're doing to kill us all. Does that make sense? That's how I have – I can't live in a world where Lee Harvey Oswald, just some oddball, climbed up in the top of a library and shot the president. I can't live in a world where a guy is that good of a marksman, where all – I have to live in a world where there's this massive, huge conspiracy that covered all that up.

Because if that can happen, the world we are spinning on is on a razor's edge at all times, right? This happened at the Capitol on the January 6th thing when those guys tried to take over the Capitol. Now, I don't want to get in the politics of all that. But what blew my mind was I always had this idea, and I don't know what it looked like, but that if you ever just tried to storm the U.S. Capitol, there was like lasers built into the ground that just zapped everybody. I don't know what I was thinking, but I didn't know you could do that, right? I didn't know a group of people could just run across the lawn and climb the walls of the Capitol. I just thought that like Navy SEALs would fall out of the clouds and right. And so either I have to believe one of two things.

Oh crap, that can happen. Like a group of people can just go on the White House lawn and charge or that it was this big thing and that there was, you know, all these things were shut down and we had to, does that make sense? So living in a conspiracy world is actually a safer world sometimes because it adds order to a potentially really chaotic existence. And here's the second thing that is also on top of that, is that when we don't sleep and we stay glued to these screens and we are anxious and anxious and anxiousxiety makes us meaning-making machines. It spins us up. And we get obsessed with trying to connect dots,

almost like a beautiful mind. So we get to these feelings that we're having, our bodies, alarms that are set off. And man, we have all been so exhausted and frustrated and angry and scared over the last year. And it's just given me some real compassion for folks. And dude, I've got them in my life. I got family members. I got coworkers.

I know exactly what you're dealing with. So here's the good news and the bad news. I'll give you the bad news first. You guys laid down a boundary and it's up to y'all to hold it. And the promise of boundaries is that it keeps y'all safe. It does not mean it keeps you comfortable.

It doesn't mean that it keeps you friction free and that's hard right the other side of the good news is y'all laid a boundary down and i'm proud of you guys what i think would be bold and brave if they would do it and this is the rare person that can do this would be if you and or your wife circled back and said hey there's a tension now we just said we don't want to talk about this stuff anymore and now i feel like we can't talk about anything and um i don't want to lose y'all's relationship and at the same time these things are hard for us to swallow um how's the last month for y'all been and listen to them and let them speak it out loud. Does that make sense? Not everybody can do that. I know a lot of times when boundaries get put up,

people smash their heads up against them. They get angry, they get mad, they kick and scream. And all of a sudden they think, Oh gosh, someone precious who I love is on the other side of that boundary. And I'm not going to lose that. I may be crazy, but I've seen that in my own family. I've seen that in my own personal relationships. That may be too soon for you guys. And you guys have to make peace with it. It may just not happen. It may not happen.

I am interested in this. When you guys said, hey, we're not going to have you talk to our kids about this crap. We're not going to talk about this stuff. What did they say? You don't love your children. How dare you? Like, what was their response? No, they actually, they agreed to that.

They respected it. They didn't argue about that too much. So where's the awkwardness coming from? Is it now coming from you guys? Y'all laid down the law and you won? And now you guys don't know what to talk about? Yes. So are there things you want to talk to them about?

Well, I mean, the struggle is we have public-facing jobs where you have to take COVID serious, so we can't talk about that. You can't talk about much work. Pretty much you're down to talking about the weather and it's just like, what?

Do y'all interact with them a lot? Yeah, we used to daily. I mean, they live a long, quite a ways away, but we used to talk to them daily. It's less frequent now. And we used to have a very close relationship with them. I think that's probably the loss there is hard. Yes, I agree with that. Here's two things I'm going to throw out there. Man, you may roll your eyes and say this is so cheesy. You can use me as the scapegoat. Just say, dude, we've got some knucklehead and he made this recommendation. I'd love it if y'all would do this with us.

They get to pick a book and y'all get to pick a book and just say, hey, we want to read this together. Y'all pick and we'll pick. Y'all are obviously wise and smart. You raised a really smart and beautiful, wonderful daughter. And we want to start like a little family nerd book club. That may be so cheesy and they may roll their eyes. They may be all in. And it becomes a place for y'all to discuss things.

And it doesn't, it can be fiction. It doesn't have to be about anything dramatic. The other thing is, man, we had some of the funniest, most hilarious time not talking about stuff with my parents, especially during COVID when we couldn't visit and they couldn't visit, was playing games on Zoom. They were a riot. Playing charades on Zoom, playing card games. Man, it turned into some of the most fun. Even setting up, you know, I imagine you guys could set up two checkerboards with the kids, whatever that looks like. But see

if y'all can begin to do things together. Maybe go visit with them and go fishing, spend some money that y'all probably wouldn't hadn't planned on spending. Go do some things like that, that y'all can get together. I think that would be really remarkable. And instead of focusing on talking about stuff issues, man, try to get back into relational stuff, play games, read stuff together, watch a movie with your wife and they can watch it and talk about it. Find common ground that is not about those things. It's going to be harder because you have these default things, politics, religion, weather, repeat. And now you have a chance to expand that portfolio of things y'all talk about,

broaden this relationship, heal it a little bit. Then y'all get to decide you want to keep your boundaries. They get to decide if they want to keep your boundaries. I'm proud of y'all talk about, broaden this relationship, heal it a little bit. And then y'all get to decide do you want to keep your boundaries? They get to decide if they want to keep your boundaries. I'm proud of y'all and I'm proud of them. Sounds like everybody said, whoa, relationship's the most important thing here. And now the ball's in y'all's court to come up with some new, deeper ways to connect with one another. All right. So thank you so much for that call, Mike. I know that's hard, dude. I know that's hard. And I know families all over the country are dealing with that. Be creative and preserve those relationships wherever possible. All right.

Hey, we'll be right back. Stay with us. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body,

but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself

and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Kyle in Los Angeles. Kyle, respect my thoughts. What's up, dude?

How we doing? Hey, I'm doing great. I just got to talk to Kelly Daniel and now Dr. John Deloney today, and it's not even 7.30 a.m., so I'm having a great day already. Hey, listen, I got to talk to Kelly this morning, and my day got better too. So I absolutely know what you're experiencing. Trust me, after a few minutes with me, we will bring you back down to just regular old.

So what's up, man? So my question was, how do you create and nurture a ride or die group of friends who hold you accountable? That's a good question, man. Thank you. My wife and I have been listening to your show since the first episode. We hear you and Dave talk about that all the time. Yeah.

So I feel like I'm kind of 80% there. I have plenty of friends who I talk to frequently, sometimes about tough things, but it just feels like I'm just a little bit away from really having kind of my picture of a group who might hold me accountable and call me out when I'm violating my values. And I want to be that kind of friend for other people. And I guess I'm just not sure how to get that last step or if I'm overthinking this or, you know, what I can do. Man. Yeah. So, hey, talking to your phone okay but I'm gonna I'm gonna recap

it and let me know if I'm right on so you want to know how to create ride-or-die friends and you've heard me talking about and by the way big shout out to you and your wife for being the first two or three listeners that hung on for the first hundred or so episodes. That's pretty rad. But I talk a lot about having a good crew that is with you, that will hold you accountable, that will laugh with you, that will cry with you, pick you up when you fall down. And so you're wondering how to cultivate that. And you've got a group of friends that you think are 80% there, but they just don't feel like they got that last 20%. What do you think that last 20% is? What does that feel like to you? Yeah. So I think to me, it's like, if they see me, you know, they, they, they can speak into my life. Like if they see me doing something that might be against my values or their values,

if they kind of feel empowered to speak up and that they will do that or hold me accountable. Do they do that now? I don't think so. Okay. Have you ever given them permission to do that? Or have you ever said, hey, call me out on this? No, I don't think I have. Ta-da! Hey, so whenever I talk about ride or die, guys, here's men and women. I got both in my life.

Usually it comes from two places. Number one, mutually shared experiences where we have been through crap together. Co-workers and all of a sudden the boss quits or fires a bunch of people or suddenly passes away or there's a car wreck and everybody's got to just rise to that occasion. So you can't really plan those things. They happen. And then you look around and the smoke clears and you realize, I got a group that's walking alongside me in this deal. So you got mutually shared experiences. That's why a lot of people stay connected to their childhood friends forever or they stay really connected their college friends because everybody got picked up and from their homes everyone they knew and

loved or everyone they hated and whatever and they got dropped in a box in a dorm they all shared a bathroom together and you just got to figure it out right or that's why military buddies stay together for years and years and years or police officers or firemen ems they have these shared experiences man and it is like they've literally had to ride or die together and so shared experiences one those get harder as you get older right that's why you end up being just friends with like little league dads or you know you sit by the same people in a lawn chair next to a soccer game you become friends with them that becomes your shared experience which is really a watered down. Watching fifth graders run around on a soccer field is a watered down.

It's not really a shared experience, but it kind of is, right? The other one is intentionality. I am choosing to, because of my season of life, to develop a set of friends, and I'm going to intentionally go first and put some things out there. So here's a couple of things, the way I would, when I talk about those, here's some guys in my life, here's some ways that's happened. I got a group of guys that we used to hang out with when I was at one university, several universities ago. A couple of those guys are still, I talk to on a weekly basis, if not more frequent.

I remember I just moved to town and they invited me in. We were hanging out and doing something and I made some crack. My wife had to move six months later. She was finishing her dissertation. She had to move six months later. And so I was by myself in this new town alone. And I made some joke about, total joke about dating while I waited for her to come. There's some just stupid pop off, whatever. And my buddy, who's one of my best buddies now, looked at me and said, hey, we don't know you that well. You don't know us.

So just so we were clear, if you ever cheat on your wife, you better hope to God she finds you before we do. And they all just smiled at me. And I remember going, whoa, okay. You know what I mean? And so what I'm telling you there is it was a highly intentional. These are friends. These are guys being silly. They knew I was kidding. I was, I mean, good God, I was totally kidding. But just in case there was any, any thing that wasn't clear, here's where we stand on that. Does that make sense? And so there was,

it was highly intentional. And then we ended up having some shared experiences and we were intentional about meeting every week. We were intentional about being around each other's kids. We were intentional about doing fun things once a month, you know, we all watch the fights together, whatever. And then we had shared experiences on the back of that. Eventually somebody's house catches on fire. Eventually somebody needs help doing something in their yard. So we had these shared experiences together. Another one is, man, some of my oldest friends in the world, we've all been married for a long time. And we all have, we all know, me and John and Todd, we all know, man, if y'all ever get crossways with your wives, I don't care who's at fault or why,

she gets to stay with us. And so everyone knows that's kind of the rule. Even if my wife cheated on me and she, I'm, she would be okay at their house. Them, them letting me know, me letting them know, I'm not going to go to war. I'm not going to pick sides here because I love both of you and we'll walk alongside you guys and whatever happens. And so it becomes this outspoken thing. We were intentional about saying, Hey, here's what our values are. Also, I will tell them, Hey, I'm starting a new workout program and they love to catch me grabbing a donut in the middle of a workout program. They love it. Right. And they, Oh man, they will call me out and vice versa. Hey, I'm thinking about losing weight. You're clearly not because you just ordered double barbecue, whatever.

That's part of being friends and part of being connected there. But it comes with intentionality. And so I'd ask you, man, go first. Go first. Does that make you nervous or uncomfortable to do that, Kyle? It makes me a little bit nervous, but I think not too nervous to actually do it. Okay. I would love to see if you got some friends that you think are 80% there, that to me is 1 million percent worth the risk. What do you got to lose? Because hey,

if they're not those guys, quit wasting your time, man. Quit wasting your time. If they are, call them together and say, hey, I'm going to start working on these two things in my life whatever it is i'm gonna start lifting weights i'm gonna start i'm gonna start going on date nights with my wife i'm gonna be a better husband whatever you want to do start pick the pick a couple of things and then call them together and say i want y'all to call me out on this stuff i trust you guys i need some accountability i don't trust myself all the time i want y'all to set up some, to help me with my boundaries. My gut tells me, dude, they will be all in. And you can tell them, y'all can make fun of me. You can laugh at me. You can email me, text me, all, give them the

boundaries and then ask, is there anything I can help you guys with? And they may say, no, you weirdo. This whole thing is weird. Why are you inviting us into this? Ugh, gross. Let's just play Pokemon or whatever you guys are doing. And let's just go back to Fortnite and quit speaking. My gut tells me they're going to be jazzed for real. Does that sound cool?

Yes, I think they will be happy, actually. Okay, so here's the plan, Kyle. I want you to do this. I want you to do this i want you to don't be all weird and dramatic about it don't send them like notes and say hey guy friends um this weekend i want to have a talk about our values and accountability don't do that because that'd make you weird but y'all go out go watch the fights this weekend or y'all go hey i don't know what y'all do like i'm just dragging you into my world um y'all go, Hey, I don't know what y'all do. Like, I'm just dragging you into my world.

Y'all get together and go do something and then say, Hey, listen, here's two things I'm going to work on. Do that. I want you to write me back and let me know how that conversation goes. If I, if I totally just blew it for you, then I will commiserate with you and I will announce to all 106 listeners that I screwed up. My gut tells me they're going to be all in and they're going to be jazzed about it. And then you're going to have to be able to accept the accountability when they start making fun of your eating choices or your workout choices or how you're not being as good a husband as you probably should be. And so on and so on and so on and so on. Invite your wife to do the same thing.

In a relationship, if you're ever stuck, marriage, parenting, friendship, go first. Go first. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? Go first. You're going to find out that those relationships weren't what you thought, or you're going to be the first person to extend a hand and start healing that thing. But go first. You got nothing to lose, man. You got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Awesome question, Kyle.. But go first. You've got nothing to lose, man. You've got nothing to lose in everything in the game. Awesome question, Kyle. Thank you so much. And thanks for letting me talk about my two or three, four guys I love.

Kyle, I mean, Kevin and Michael and John and Todd. I love it. Man, it's awesome. All right, as we wrap up today's show, dude, we're going to go straight into the romance. Straight into the romance straight into the romance sometimes when i say this song out loud i just get all teary james kelly it's in my heart off the 1987 slippery when what album bon jovi

kelly threw him up i'll throw them up with you The John Bonds says this As I sit in this smoky room, the night about to end And I pass my time with strangers This bottle's my only friend Remember when we used to park on Butler Street out in the dark Remember when we lost the keys And you lost more than that in my backseat She lost her jacket and her baseball cards and

her lunch and stuff. Remember how we used to talk about busting out? We'd break their hearts together forever. Never say goodbye. Never say goodbye. You and me and my old friends hoping it would never end. Never say goodbye. Holding on to never say goodbye on the Dr. John Deloney Show.