The Dr. John Delony Show - My In-Laws Invited Themselves To Stay With Us for a Month

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.   My boss is giving me my friend's job and my friend doesn't know yet My dad didn't respect women and I want to be different My in-laws invited themselves to stay with us for a month Lyrics of the Day: "Hearts" - War and Treaty   Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage   Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation   Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who just got her friend's job and she hasn't told her friend yet. We also talk to a brand new dad who wants to learn how to better respect his young daughters. We talk to a man whose in-laws are moving in for the summer. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. What up, what up? I hope you're doing awesome. Hope your kids are doing well.

And if you don't have any kids, you're just looking at your dog or your cat. I hope you're not thinking, man, I'm such a great cat parent. But you're just thinking, I'm a good pet owner. That's awesome too. Whoever you happen to be, I'm glad you're not thinking, man, I'm such a great cat parent. But you're just thinking, I'm a good pet owner. That's awesome too. Whoever you happen to be, I'm glad you're with us. If you're just, I don't know, walking down the street or riding one of those tricycle motorcycles.

Actually, you can just go to another podcast. There's a million other ones you can listen to. Actually, you know what? This podcast is for you, tricycle motorcycle driver. What do you call those things? I don't know. That sounds right to me. That's what they look like.

Tricycle motorcycles? With a pet parent sticker on the back? Oh, my gosh. That's incredible. That's all my favorite things in one human. Hey, on this show, we talk about mental health, relationships, and motorcycle tricycles. Everything. If you want to be on the show, give us a shout.

1-844-693-3291. It. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. johndeloney.com slash ask. So glad you're here. Let's get right to the C-A-L-L-S. Let's go to Donna in Philly. What up, Donna?

How we doing? Hi, John. What's up? Not much. I'm a dog lover. Are you a dog lover or are you a dog parent? I am. Because I'm a dog lover.

I'm a dog parent of three. Oh, no. Yes. Tell me all about them. Where'd they come from? What are their names? All that stuff. Rusty, Ripley, and Spencer.

What happened to Spencer? Why did he get an R name? Well, because he wasn't supposed to be mine. Ooh, you're a dog parent kidnapper. I like where this is headed. I am. There's a whole podcast sub-genre below. Murder podcast

or parent podcast and then pet parent thieves podcast. Yes. No, he was supposed to be my daughter's service dog and didn't work out because he didn't like men. So I got him. Dang. That's a whole other show.

Men hating. Yeah. How's Rusty? I had an awesome friend named Rusty, one of the greatest guys I've ever known. What kind of dog is Rusty? Rusty is a cockapoo. All three of them are cockapoos.

Oh, no. Which is Cocker Spaniel Poodle. Yeah, all your dogs look the same. That's even more creepy. Hey, do you remember in Seinfeld, they had that horse named Rusty that kept farting all the time? That was awesome.

Anyway, excellent. Rusty does, too. Must be something with the name. No, my friend Rusty, he never did that. He's just an awesome guy. Okay, so, pet parent. Pet parent.

You don't have one of those tricycle motorcycles, do you? No, I don't have a trike. Do you listen to Rush? No. Okay, now we're back. Now we're back. All right, so what's up? All right, I'm calling because I have a question regarding work issue. All right, bring it on. All right, so what's up? All right. I'm calling because I have a question regarding work issue.

All right, bring it on. All right. My supervisor left about a year ago to go on leave, and then her replacement went out in March. So they asked me to fill in temporarily to the supervisor role. I didn't want to do it, had no desire. Was happy where I was. Was like, nope, don't want it. Personally, really didn't think like I could do it. I actually like the job. Of course you do. You're a pet mom. Of course you do. Surprisingly, I've actually enjoyed doing what I'm doing. Well, now that it's been over a year,

our handbook says that once they're out a year, their position isn't held for them. They still have a job in our department, but not necessarily the job that they were in before. Okay. Management just came to me since it's been a year and asked me if I wanted the job permanently. So I said, yes,

the problem here. Did you not tell your friend? She's also my friend, so... Oh, no! That's my question. See? Pet parents, it always ends up, pet parents. Should I tell her?

Yes, that's your friend. But I asked management, and they were like, we'll tell her when we know she's coming back, because they're not sure that she's going to come back. Okay, so do you still talk to your friend? I do. Actually, when Kelly called me, she was on the phone with me. I don't want to be rude, but you're the worst.

Okay, so. Do I know? So hold on. And I'm smiling when I said that. You're not really the worst. I mean, you kind of are. I feel like I am. I mean, your feelings are correct.

Your feelings are correct. But so, is your friend, like, talking about when she's going to come back and she can't wait and she's just getting healthy? She's getting healthy, but she keeps saying it's going to be another month. It's going to be another. Now it may be January she's looking at. Oh, honey. She knows the rules. I know she knows the rules, but you're her friend.

Why did she leave? What's the medical issue? I really didn't want to get into that. She's got a bunch of health issues and all different things. Okay. But she doesn't know she's actually going to be able to come back. Stress and her body and how it reacts to stress and all that. But every time she calls, she's always like, well, how's work?

And she was really great in the beginning when I took the job. She was, like, helping me. I could call her any time. I still feel like I can call her any time. But now every time she calls, she's like, so how's work? You haven't been calling me. Everything must be going pretty good. And I'm like, yeah, and I try to avoid the subject.

Yeah, you've got to get right in the middle. I know I should tell her. Yes. But how do I tell her? What is it about y'all's relationship that you don't tell her? Because I'm trying to just imagine in my head, like I'm just trying to pick a friend, like I'm trying to, Todd, my buddy Todd,

and we work at the same place. We actually worked at the same university for a season and then he goes out for a year now i'm thinking out loud here if he was dying of cancer and he's on cancer leave and slowly is working his way back and then i swoop in and take his job and i don't tell him and i'm just like and then he comes back two months after the year or six months or whatever dude now i'm also thinking if he is out with you know a unspecified psychiatric issue like burnout like i just can't come back right now i'm gonna take medical leave and there's just like amorphous um my knees hurt and my back hurts and my neck's got problems and I can't sit at a computer or whatever.

But we would have been having that conversation. I don't know. My friendships are just different. And so I don't know if your friendship is one that's pretty close. There's something about that you're not going to tell her. Because I would just have had this conversation months ago. I think we're not close friends. It's more of a work friendship.

Like we talk about things that happen at work. I mean, I do talk to her about, you know, my girls and my dogs. Oh, geez. Do you have human kids too, by the way? A what? Do you have human kids too? I do. I have two girls.

So you're a regular parent. Do they know that they're... Never mind. That's a whole other call. Okay. You know what? So at the end of the day, yes. You've got to have this conversation.

Here's where you're going to be in a pickle is if your business says you cannot do that. This is an HR issue. You cannot have this conversation. Have they said that to you? They didn't say that, but they said that they would discuss it with her when they knew she was coming back so that's where i'm kind of like if i tell her am i going to get in trouble with work if i don't tell her is our friendship going to be kind of weird and then the other part is when she comes back how do we work together if I have her job?

So reverse engineering your question, let that happen when that happens. Okay. Because now you're going to start, okay, here's two things you're going to do. The first thing you're doing is you're going to start catastrophizing because you're on shaky relational ground. So you're going to start imagining things. I'm definitely doing that. Yes. And you're, you're, you're having a bunch of imaginary pre-conversations.

And then what happens is you imagine her saying something. And then you imagine these awesome comebacks that you have. And then your body spins up and goes into war because that's all it knows how to do. And so you're literally killing yourself. And I'm not smiling anymore. You're literally driving yourself crazy. No, you're absolutely right. Okay.

I literally, there's nights I can't sleep because this conversation keeps going on in my head. Yes. And then what you're starting to do is to minimize your relationship with her. So it went from we're good friends to we just talk about dogs and kids. We're just like a work friend. So you're going to continually squash that relationship and minimize it, whereas what's happening in her world is you're her only lifeline. Yeah, I feel like.

And so it is inflating on her side. She's probably over-dramatizing how close y'all are. Okay. And you are just, you're piling coal in your engine and just going to make the train wreck bigger when it finally happens. And so all of this, and this is me now talking to all the listeners, all of this gets headed off early. If we have conversations early on, hey, they just asked me to be the interim. This is going to be weird.

Let's talk about it now. If they offer me this full-time job, I don't want it. And then a month in, like, hey, I really like this. I'm loving this. I know it's going to be weird. Let's talk about it now. If they offer me this full-time job, I don't want it. And then a month in like, Hey, I really like this. I'm loving this. I know it's going to be weird for us. It's just putting all that out there.

This is the same conversation. We never talked about any of that. When I first took it over, she was really helpful, but never really discussed how that would affect our, our friendship. Yes. And so there's only one way forward and it's directly in the middle of it.

And just lean in and probably in person, if at all possible. And do y'all hang out ever? Do y'all go get a drink or have coffee or anything? Every once in a while. Oh my gosh. Y'all are in person things? I know.

Yes. Yes. And so here's your way forward. Take her out. Yep. And say, I should have forward. Take her out. Yep. And say, I should have been having this conversation with you a long time ago. I'm so sorry. Here's where we are.

And if you're mad, I totally get it. If you are upset, I totally get it. Or if you're excited for me, I totally get it. But here's the situation. Right. Like, I feel like she'll put up a good front, but internally she's going to take it really hard. Well, and that's not your job. Well.

Your job isn't to manage how she hears this. It's to be hospitable and kind and own up. I should have been having this conversation with you a long time ago, and I didn't. Right. Ugh. I hate this. I hate this for you. I mean, I hate it for you. I know it's a messy situation. It's just so awkward. And if she's got any sort of psychological issues that she's stepped away for, I imagine that will make this, that will compound this challenge. If she's coming back with any, it may be a gift.

Let's do the optimistic side. She may be stressed on, I don't know how to come back as a supervisor. And it may be a gift. Let's do the optimistic side. She may be stressed on, I don't know how to come back as a supervisor. And it may be a gift, probably not, but we can maybe think of it that way. I don't know. But yes, there's only one way forward, and that is to have this direct conversation.

Okay. Cool. Will you let me know how that goes? Sure. Awesome. I literally can't wait I'm terrified but yes hug Rusty and Spencer the night before okay

and they'll give you pet parent superpowers or something like that probably not but good for you but yeah it's time you gotta have that conversation should have had a while ago but here we are so let's just move forward and let's have it and let's be remorseful

you know that you should have been having this conversation and you know it's going to be awkward. And for everybody out there, not having hard conversations is just like spending out of your checking account and never checking the balance. There will come a moment when the late fees start rolling in and it will be brutal. You're better off not buying the salad, skipping dinner, not buying that gift, than paying $5 for a cup of coffee and then paying $150 in late fees. Similar to hard conversations at work,

with your spouse, with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Have the conversation. God help us all. Come on, Donna. You have to rep pet parents better than that. Have the conversation. We'll be right back on the Junkie. Whatever on my show. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going

as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an

honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back with Mean Dean in Prescott, Arizona. Sidney Prescott. Hello, Sidney.

What's up, Dean? Hey, John Delaney. How are you doing? I'm remarkable, Dean. What's up? Hey, I had a question. I was wondering how do I better show my wife dignity and the respect that she deserves? Man, that feels like a loaded question.

How are you not showing her dignity and respect? Let's start there. Well, so I grew up, and my parents got divorced when I was about six, and my dad isn't very respectful to just women in general, whether it be my stepmom, my mom, or my sisters. How not? Give me an example of how he's not. Emotionally, abusive, verbally, and just, yeah, just manipulative in all the narcissistic ways and things like that.

So give me an example. And I was leaving early in the morning, and I said, hey, I'm your stepmom, and I'm going to go hang out with some friends today, and then I'll have dinner ready at 5.30. And then all of a sudden, hanging out with my friends turns into a couple of drinks, and we have a great day. And then two friends show up, and we haven't seen them in a while, and I don't get home until 6. And your dad's at home at 5.30. What does he say? Uh, that would have never happened because of the fear of the silent treatment and being, um, alienated. Uh, so he was a, a, he used silence as a weapon. Yeah. So like, and like another thing about him is that, um, he sent me an email about two years ago telling me that he didn't want to talk to me or my siblings anymore.

And he was justifying that my parents, like him cheating on my mom originally was because he did it for her so she could have a way out of the relationship. Oh, what a sweet guy. What a great guy. A hero. So it sounds like your dad is trapped

in a nine-year-old brain and body. Yeah, I'd say so. And probably for a thousand reasons. I don't want to give him a pass, but he's a child. And he just took his ball and I'm going home. Yeah. And when somebody says, when the teacher says, why did you kick Timmy? And he said, because timmy wanted to

go home so i just kicked him so he could go home i mean just he's a he's an elementary school kid yeah and so he weaponized relationships that's what happens when you use silence as a weapon so you can hit somebody you can swear at somebody or you can cut ties and and it's a, man. That has been my weapon of choice, and it's evil, man. It's the number one thing I'm working on in my life. So now you've got, tell me about your kids. Yeah, so I have a two-year-old daughter and a nine-month-old daughter. Dude, can we just stop for a second and say high five to you, brother?

What made this come up? What a stud, man, that you looked at your dad and said, I'm not doing that. Well, it's been a long process and just being able to see me and look at myself like a third person and see what I'm doing. I could be doing better to change my family tree generationally. So I don't, you know. Bro, dude, you're a stud, man. That's incredible.

Did you marry well? Yeah, absolutely. My wife is an absolute angel and I definitely, I married up for sure. Outkicked your coverage. That's awesome, dude. All right. So is there behaviors in yourself that you recognize and your first thought is, whoa, I don't like that? Yeah, so I think that, especially in our first little bit of marriage, about two years or so,

I was dealing with a lot of my own personal issues. And so I would also alienate myself because I felt like I was hurting her or something like that. And so I would just kind of leave, um, like emotionally or physically just for a little bit. And it wasn't what she needed. And then also, I think I just, um, I, those manipulative tendencies, tendencies, um, I would use, um, but I try to be, uhcknowledge those things And to not do it Once I When I can Can see that I am

Doing something manipulative Very cool So On the other side So now I'm gonna do something That's gonna be uncomfortable for you I'm gonna give your dad A quick moment of grace

On the other side Of his immaturity That feeling When you start feeling like, I can't do anything right. And if I say anything else, it's going to hurt my wife. So what I'm going to do is turn the game on and I'm going to unplug to protect her from me.

And there's a true, like a real true, I can see the narrative in your dad's head, which is the best thing for me is if they are not around me, how do I blow this up? Cause I don't have the courage to say, Hey, I want to, I want to leave. Um, or I want my kids to not be around me cause I'm not good. So I'm going to write him this immature letter and act like, does that make sense? So your feelings are, it's the story you were born into with your old man, right? Oh man. So here's, man, I got a little girl. So I'm just going to rattle off a few things that I've struggled with and that I'm wrestling with. And, um, you jump in if anything sounds right, or you think, Ooh, I like that. Okay. Okay. The first one is always leaning into when I think the world would be better, when I think my daughter or my son or my wife would be

better with me gone, I have to lean in the other way, like a salmon. I got to swim upstream of that feeling. And I got to do it quietly. And so often I try to, when I gear myself to come back and swim upstream, so my body is saying, dude, just get out of here. They don't even want you around. So I go to hug my daughter and she's like, no dad, no. And my first thought is, yeah, cause you suck at being a dad. That's incorrect. I don't. I'm going to challenge that thought with evidence and I don't suck at being a dad. That's incorrect. I don't. I'm going to challenge that thought with evidence, and I don't suck at being a dad, but my five-year-old doesn't want me hugging her or poking on her or making jokes at five in the morning.

So I'm going to lean back into that, and I'm not going to say anything. I might pat her on the head, or I might just touch her hand, or I might just sit down at the table and drink my cup of coffee right across the table from her. So I'm going to lean into that when my every impulse I have is to run

because my daughter's going to internalize me running as she did something, and I don't want to give her that much power. She doesn't have that much power over me. She's five. Same with my wife. There are times when I just want to disappear. Like, man, I'm just going to, fine.

And I'm not doing that anymore. I I'm gonna lean in and say out loud my impulse is to pull away here because I feel like I'm not saying the right things can you help me where are we would your wife talk to you if you ask her a question like that oh absolutely so instead of giving advice, ask questions.

Okay. Not weapon questions either. Like, why are you wearing that? Or what's wrong with you? That's a weapon question. Those are bull crap. But I feel like I'm missing the mark here. How can I best honor you right now? And let, that's a risk because she may say, get the crap out of my, get out of my face. And that could hurt, but it's a risk, but may say, get the crap out of my face and that could hurt. But it's a risk, but we're gonna do that. The second one is to really be intentional about respecting your daughter's bodies. And here's what I mean by that.

My tendency, I may have talked about this on the show. I know I've talked about it live. My tendency is I'll say, hey, Josephine, come give me a hug. And she'll say, no, I don't want to. And my tendency is to use my dad powers and to say, I'm your dad. I told you to do a thing, come do it now.

And she will begrudgingly because I'm dad. I've got bigger muscles than her. I got power. But what I'm teaching her is at some point, some man will have autonomy over your body and they will get to tell you what to do with your body. And this turns into that didn't hurt. And she's saying, yes, it did.

And you're getting into her body and telling her what her feelings are, or you shouldn't even be that sad. I'm thinking of her in middle school and the boy breaks up with her and someone she has a crush on just dumps her and she's heartbroken. And you say, ah, just shake it off. It's all good.

That teaches her body. Your feelings are not to be trusted. You need to find some man that will have your feelings for you. And so what I'm really combating in my own self is when my daughter says that hurt i say i'm sorry that hurt not my first thought is no it doesn't that didn't hurt at all or my first thought is when she says no dad i say thank you for using kind words and then i move on about my day because that hug was for me not for her and so respecting their body um and that goes into respecting their thoughts. And man, then the last one here is show up. Just keep showing up and keep showing up and keep showing up.

And if you can show up with your little ones at eye level, get down on the floor and look them in the eye, that gives them a sense of connection that kind of equalizes that power dynamic. And it's really magical, especially with a young, young, young one. It's incredible. Oh, I got one more.

Are you ready for this one? I think so. Take care of yourself. Exercise. Have guy friends. Go out once a week with your buddies and keep connected to them. Have a life.

Have a spiritual life of some sort. Get counseling if you need it. You had a lot of trauma growing up with an immature dad and a divorce and all that stuff. Deal with that stuff and come home whole so your kids can have something to anchor into. How's that? Okay, that sounds perfect.

Sounds like a lot. And love their mom like crazy. Like crazy. Hug her a lot if she's cool with that. Kiss a lot. Be affectionate. Show her what love looks like. Okay.

Because you are going to be the picture in your daughter's mind of, oh, this is what a man does. This is what love looks like. This is what love looks like. This is what a romantic relationship looks like. And even if the person they're going to marry is nothing like you, you're given the picture of what that looks like. But I think overall, man, the fact that you're asking this question for a two-year-old and a seven-month-old, dude, you're so far ahead. High five to you. Anybody out there listening who had parents who sucked or parents who were going through their own stuff and didn't show up or parents

who wrote you a letter and said, I'm not being your friend anymore, whatever. Man, have the courage to turn and face that storm because whatever you pass on to your kids gets passed on to their kids and so on and so forth. You have the strength to turn and stop and say, this ends with me. Good for you. Good for you, Dean from Arizona, my brother. All right, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's take Unamas. Let's go to Tommy in Bentonville, Arkansas. Bentonville, home of Walmart. Is that right, Tommy? It's the home of Walmart and Crystal Bridges. I don't know Crystal Bridges. Do they sell drugs there? What is Crystal Bridges?

You know what? It sounds like they do, don't they? It's a fun place to go visit. Lots of lights, outdoor trails. There's no drugs at Crystal Village. It does kind of sound like a mystical place. It does, doesn't it? Yeah. Yes, Walmart's here. There are no drugs at Walmart.

None. None. Never. So what's up, T-Money? How can I help? Well, Dr. John, my parents, or my in-laws, they actually just got a job where they have the summers off. And they want to...

I'm laughing at you, not with you on this one. That's awesome. I know, because I'm not laughing. I was until it became real. Oh, man. Okay, so I'm just laughing. I was until it became real. Oh, man. Okay, so I'm just guessing where this is headed, but go ahead. They would love to spend a month with each kid and their kids and their spouses. Yes.

And so they did tell us originally, they said we could stay in an extended stay, but then they haven't brought that up again. But I do know a month with them here means they're every day with my wife and me, and it just – doesn't it sound so exciting? Yes. Yes. Dude, I'm so happy for you. You know what you're going to have? Someone to critique how you mow the lawn, how you make breakfast, what you watch at night when you go to bed, your clothes. It'll be so good. Now, not all in-laws are like that. If my in-laws wanted to move in for a month, I would

love that. It'd be incredible. It doesn't sound like that is your situation. Tell me about it. So my in-laws, they truly are great people. They would be your conservative religious, uh, type of person. I guess if I put it a stereotype, um, they, my, I'll put it this way. My wife just let her mom know this year that we drink alcohol and, uh, we're in our thirties. Yes. I was going to make a joke, but I'm not even going to go there. How did that conversation go? Was it hard? It was hard for my wife, but because, you know, she's never really separated herself in a conversation like that with her parents.

And it was really healthy. Her mom responded well. Her dad is the one that I think, you know, he's, he's pretty legalistic. It's his way or the highway. It's his interpretation of the Bible or no way. Um, and he just, you know, he's not talkative. He's not conversationalist, just hard to be around for an extended period of time. Um, so I, I think that my concern, Dr. John is, I think it's great that we differentiate from her parents, but I'm like more than three nights a week for a month sounds like a whole lot, and I want to live my life in the month of June. Yes.

So two questions. Number one, what does your wife think of this? I have more anxiety than she does. Okay. this? Uh, I have more anxiety than she does. So she, she has asked me before, you know, why, why does that make you anxious? And do you tell her the truth? I do. Yeah. I do tell her the truth. Yeah. Even when you said, do you say things like, I don't like you when you're around them because you regress 20 years and you become a 10 year old and it becomes awkward for us. Are you that? I haven't said that for us? I haven't said that.

No, I haven't said that. Is it truthful? I don't think she regrets it as 20 years. I do think that she doesn't want to offend her parents. Okay. So I think I need to have that conversation with her. I don't want to offend my parents, but I also don't consider my life an offense. Do you see the difference there? Yeah. I see what you're saying. I will not bring whiskey,

like in your situation, I wouldn't bring even fancy bourbon. I wouldn't bring it into my parents' house. Yes. But I'm not going to deceive them and go through a big hiding ritual every time they're coming over when I'm in my 30s. I'm not going to do that either. And you know what? What's funny is I do collect fancy whiskey, and we used to hide it, and then it was like, we're not doing this anymore. And so you can see we're just at the beginning stages of trying to be healthy with my in-laws. Yeah, okay, cool. So that's why I have anxiety around this.

Yeah. So in the second question is, do you have little kids? I do. We have a nine-year-old. They're both girls, nine-year-old and six-year-old. Okay. All right. Man.

So I can speak from, if my in-laws wanted to come, I'd love that. I think it'd be fun. But here's the differentiation. I live love that. I think it'd be fun. But here's the differentiation. I live my life and my wife and I are completely differentiated from our parents, meaning we do what we do. And if there's a Sunday that we don't want to go to church, but we want to spend it as a family and we're going to go hiking and do our thing, then that's what we do. I don't feel like I got to hide from people. If I have, my dad and I have radically different political views. My mom and I have, we're in sync on some things, super not in sync on other things.

Some things my dad and I, I just, I don't care. You know what I mean? Like I'm interested in the intellectual sparring, but I'm not going to fight anybody, especially not my parents or my in-laws. You know what I mean? And so I'm there. What I would caution you on is you're just in a hard place, brother, because your in-laws did a couple of things. Number one, they gave you the old,

oh, we could just stay in an extended stay motel. Right. Great, cool. Y'all go ahead and do that. You can do that. And if, I don't know how that would fly. I know how it'd fly in my house. So the second thing is not,

I mean, they kind of introduced themselves into your home. Second thing is, it sounds like there's some marital tension here. And you've got to be very careful about talking bad about your wife's parents. Is she sensitive about that? No, she's been really gracious, and she sees it. She sees that, hey, we have totally different lives than her parents, and we've even talked about it. So she has done really well, and I do feel like I'd be honest with her. And I've told her it is hard for me to be around your dad for an extended period of time.

Okay, tell me why. Why is it hard? Yeah, I've been— Like, why do you care? I'm just going to sound—I'm being provocative on purpose. Why do you care? If he just wants to sit over there and watch Fox News and be angry, let him. Like, why does that bother you?

Well, that is a fault of mine for sure because I think I'm like, well, let's do something and let's engage in conversation or let's have fun together. I think for me, that's what I would like to do, and I don't know why it bothers me so much. I wish I had an answer. Do you wish, and this is going to be a hard question, do you wish he liked you?

Or is there a sense that your father-in-law doesn't like you that much? Or would like you more if you had different life views or different lifestyles? Yeah, I think I feel like I'm being judged by him when we're not engaging in a relationship. There you go. And you feel like he's not in a relationship with you because of some judgment he's placed on you? Possibly, yes. Yes.

Okay. Now I feel like we're getting at the core issue here. You, my friend, need to be confident in Tommy. Okay. And you need to be confident as a husband of a great wife, as the dad of two great daughters. Yeah. And more importantly, you need to be confident in these are my life choices. These are my life philosophies.

These are my life decisions. And it's mine. And if somebody wants to be a guest in my house, that's fantastic. I will be hospitable and kind. And if they don't want to talk to me, that is their loss because I'm pretty awesome. And I'm going to go talk to other people or I'm going to take my kids and we're all going to go fishing. And if my father-in-law wants to sit down and stare at his phone, that's a choice he's going to make, but I'm not going to own his choice. And what I would tell you is you're chasing a fantasy,

and I'm not saying it's an ugly, you're chasing a fantasy that there is going to be a thing. One day y'all are going to align. And I want to tell you, you are not. There won't be an alignment. There may be a arms, like a ceasefire. Like in my house, we made some rules. No politics, no COVID.

Like we can't talk about it. So I made those conversation cards. Like I refuse to have these conversations just because it doesn't get anywhere. And so we are done with this. In fact, yeah, I'm going to do this. I'm going to give you, I'm going to send you three decks of cards. I'm going to send them to you. Okay. And whenever this inevitably happens, which it's going to, you can practice over the holidays. And then when they move in with you, it's so great. You can have them, but they're just cards like, Hey, here's

some other things to talk about. And if he chooses not to engage, what I want you to begin practicing is it's not your responsibility to chase down a relationship with him. It's your responsibility to be respectful. And those are two different things. This is so helpful. Does that make sense? Yeah. Do I, do you think I need to sit down with or call him and just say, hey, this is kind of who I am? You know, this is, do I need to have that conversation with him about when you're in our house, all the things that you said about, you know, our houses. If we have a glass of wine together, fine. If we want to go out together with the kids, is that the healthy conversation to have? I, I, one of my life rules is to speak to be heard, not to have having said, had said something.

And I said that kind of bonkers. There are some people that when a, when an action happens, like an injustice happens or somebody gets offended or whatever, they make sure that they spoke on that issue. I want on the record that I said something about that. It's like living your life like a politician. I choose to only speak when I can be heard. What that often means is I'm not posting stuff the day after something happened because everybody's fired up.

Nobody's listening. Or my father-in-law has the way he lives. It's the way he lives. And so if I call him, what he will hear in about eight seconds is I don't like the way you live. And if you're coming into my house, you're gonna live like this.

And then he's gonna turn into an old Labrador and see who can pee up the tree the highest. And again, I'm speaking into your father-in-law. I don't know that guy from the man on the moon. I'm telling you, I would more like to take all of the air and drama out. I don't know that it's worthy of a conversation. You have a glass of wine at dinner.

Great. When he's there and y'all are having dinner, then you say, hey, you guys want a glass of wine? And you just, like, as though it is, hey, will you pass the fork? Because right now it's y'all's heart rate that's getting up, not theirs. And then if they come to your house and y'all respectfully offer them a glass of your nicest wine and they decline, and then they want to throw grownup temper tantrums about that, that's their challenge, not yours. Okay. And so I'm more interested in, yeah, if there's one or two things That you think would be fun

If he likes to go ride go-karts Or go fishing Or go hunting Whatever it is If you think there's things there That would be great Yeah set him up See if he wants to go

He might just say No I don't want to go And then you got to swallow it And go That's his issue Not mine And by the way I'm dating his daughter

So I win You know what I mean? Right And he may just I'm dating his daughter, so I win. You know what I mean? Right, right. And he may just, you may be thinking about y'all's relationship way more than he is. Yeah, well, I would like, I mean, there's things I want with my own dad

that I don't have. Yeah. And I know. See, now we're getting at the issue. I know we are. And I know that I'm like, oh, I don't want to be. And you're trying to transfer your dad's, you and your dad's relationship issues and try to recreate something with your father-in-law. Yeah, I think so.

And what I want you to do is let that fantasy go. Okay. Shake the man's hand when he comes over. Here's the thing. He's probably coming over for a month. I wish you could be like, no, we're going to say no. He's probably coming over for a month. I wish you could be like, no, we're going to say no, he's probably coming. And so sit down and make peace with like your life decisions and decide to not hide. What I will tell you is secrets are poison and secrets will destroy your marriage. Secrets will destroy

relationship with your in-laws. Don't keep secrets. This is who we are. This is how we live. Now that doesn't mean we're going to like have a discussion on who should be president. That's not going to be helpful. But my guess is that's not your style anyway. No, I don't care to have those talks. Yeah. And if y'all, you know, if he grew up Baptist and a strong Baptist family

and now y'all go to a different church, that's just where you go. Don't hide. Don't lie. Don't hide it. Be proud of who you are and what decisions you're making. And if y'all want to make different decisions, make different decisions.

But all of this, yeah, man, we got to, it took a few minutes, but you got some challenges between you and your dad. And you want to make sure that it's not replicated. And you see your father-in-law has a chance to fix that. And it's not. The way you fix that is in your relationship with your kids. And the way you can fix that is being open and loving your nine-year-olds and being connected to them and letting them see you have friends and letting them see you not be tense with your life choices. Own them. Own them. Own them. And be respectful, super respectful, super respectful

of your in-laws. It's their choices. And it may be that, hey, we're going to take the TV out from downstairs because I don't want this news blaring 24-7 when they're here. They can go upstairs and listen to it, or they can go in the back room and listen to it. We'll put a TV in your room so y'all can just sit back there and watch TV all you want. But out here, we don't watch TV. We got puzzles out. We got games out. We got whatever. We got the questions for humans cards that I'm going to send you. So hang on the line, Tommy, and Kelly will get your information. She'll mail them out to you. And that's just my gift to you to save your family.

That's all. That's all they do. They just save your family. I probably overstated that a little bit. But Tommy, you be proud of Tommy, man. Love Tommy. Tommy's a good guy. He's a good dad.

He's a good husband. He's a good guy. And if your old man comes around, that's even better. But own Tommy. Let's move on from there. All right, man. Let's see. Let's wrap it up with, man, I think I've talked about them.

I saw this band open up for Indigo Girls, man, at the Ryman. I was with some friends. We went to Indigo Girls shows, like high school all over again. It was incredible. And War on Treaty opened up and holy smokes, they're incredible. They are incredible.

This record, man, get on Spotify today or get on the internets and buy every War on Treaty record you can. They're so good. And if you want to watch them live, man, they, golly, find where they're playing. This is off the 2018 Healing Tide album.

The song's called Hearts and it goes like this. On this road, I've learned it doesn't make sense without you, without you. And I'd rather be a passenger on a moving train if it meant I'd be next to you. By the skin of my teeth and the hairs on my head, I'd be lost if I didn't have you. Just a ball of confusion, a life left in void.

That's what I'd be without you. This is a love song right here. Because right would be wrong if we spent time alone, separate in the dark with the light still left on. Oh my gosh. It wouldn't be much to try to keep our love apart because we'd find each other's hearts. We'd find each other's hearts.

In this life, I've learned it don't mean a thing without you, without you. And I'd rather be a cripple using you as my cane if it meant I could lean on you. War on treaty, bringing it from the soul. God, I love those guys. So good. Husband and wife team, go check them out. It's been awesome. See you soon on the Dr. John Deloney Show.