The Dr. John Delony Show - My Life Doesn’t Look Like I Thought It Would

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife hoping to get on the same page as her husband - A man unsure if he should go to his father’s wedding - A woman struggling to come to terms with her mom’s addiction Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It feels like a very big thing to say, I'm your son, and I'm not going to your wedding. Did it feel like a big thing when he said, I'm your dad, and I'm leaving your mom, and I'm going out on the playing field to get lucky again? Yeah, those are big things. But I wouldn't go for him. I'd go for me. Yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your marriage, your mental health, your emotional health,

your relationships, trying to figure out dating. It's a show that takes all of the most emerging science combined with ancient wisdom and delivers it in from a guy who listens to way too much social distortion and old heavy metal groups and some singer songwriters. I've kind of gotten back into my Jose Gonzalez phase and my Damien Rice phase, but here it is. Here's my goal. It's to talk in a language that most of us regular folks can understand about how we can make our lives better, our marriages better, deal with mental health, deal with our emotional health, take control of our emotions, and make the next right best step. And this show is made up of real people going through real stuff in their real lives. And for more than two decades and two PhDs and a lot, thousands of people, I've sat with people when the wheels fall off.

That's what I do. Show up in the dark and sit with folks and hold their hand and say, let's figure this out and let's take the next right step. Sometimes that next right step is a phone call for a therapist. Sometimes that next right step is visiting with an attorney. Sometimes that next right step is just looking at a loved one saying, I'm sorry. And what can I do? But my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure it out. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Fill out the form. Tell us what your call is about, what you want to talk about. And it will go to Kelly,

the producer extraordinaire and her sidekick. Yeah. Jenna. And they will craft a show that it brings the most value to, to who? To y'all.

Sometimes I feel like you're like, oh, this one's awesome. Pretty much. It's what we want to hear. Excellent. Excellent. You're like the musicians who are like you're like, oh, this one's awesome. Pretty much. It's what we want to hear. Excellent. You're like the musicians who are like when the producers, like the executive producers are like, this song's not good. I'm like, we don't care.

We like this song. It's very cool. Awesome. Or you can give us a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and we will holler back, girl, at you. Alright, so it is we're coming up on New Year's. We're right past Christmas.

Is that right? Not yet. This is the 22nd. Okay, the show comes out on December 22nd. We're getting very close to Christmas. And that means it's close

to New Year's, which is my favorite holiday on the planet because we get to, like we had to shower off the stuff we didn't love about last year and go again. And Kelly's like, shower once a year?

Slow down. All right, so we've created questions for humans. I created these to give people an opportunity to put their phones down, stop talking about stupid stuff like politics and stupid stuff like this politician's gonna save us. They're not. This policy's gonna save us. Well're not. This policy's going to save us.

Well, it could, but probably not. And to have real connection with real people, a skill and an art that we've lost. All right, Kelly, you've got the New Year's Questions for Humans decks. Go. All right. You picked a couple questions.

First one. What did you spend way too much money on this year? Ooh. Speaking of that guy right there, comedy tickets. My buddy, Michael Reddish just walked by and he reignited my love for standup comedy this year. So I bought way too many, I bought too many concert tickets and comedy tickets this year. I bought too many guitars this year, way too many plural. And, um, I think that's it. That's what I way overspent on. Oh in montana knife company. I have a problem They make the greatest knives on planet earth. I have no affiliation

None zero I pay full price And kelly, I can't stop I keep thinking I need another knife for this situation Cutting bread, you know what works the one one I have, but I gotta have theirs. They're so cool. And anyway, I've spent too much money on Montana Knife Company. stand-up comedy. I don't think there's too much, you can't spend too much money on stand-up comedy. You can keep spending,

but it's all good. Alright, what do you think? Besides Xanax and marijuana, what else did you spend a lot of money on? House stuff, mainly kitchen, because I had it in my mind since our whole bottom floor of our house was redone. Well, if I've got new cabinets, new counters, new appliances, I also need all new things

to go with that. You can't put old spoons in a new drawer. You can't triple stamp a double stamp. I need new spatulas to go with that. And hey, that thing that I had was ruined, so let me get this thing which is like way more expensive it's i used it as an excuse i'm fully aware to buy some things that i wanted anyway and i used it as an excuse to upgrade a lot of things so david brooks is an extraordinary author and a um he's a professor of happiness at Harvard School of Business. And he talks a lot about the exhaust trail of purchasing something that was really going to

matter. And he talks about when your boss brings you in and says, you crushed it this year, 40% bonus for you. That was the amount he used. That is the peak happiness in that moment. You call your husband and be like, guess what? When that check deposits, you're closer back to baseline, right? So that thought of, oh, I'm going to fill all these new drawers in my new kitchen with new stuff.

That felt amazing, right? For a minute. Until the Amazon charges kept coming through. Okay, but I'm like, you're eating the same same food yeah with the with a fancier spoon right like but i am cooking said soup with some really great new cookware does it matter does it matter i mean like like it's great it really is nice because i got a new induction stovetop. I can't use my crap pots and pans on that. It's like I got a new car. We should repave the driveway.

I can't park my new car on an old driveway. It's so awesome. I love it. All right, next one. All right. Is the week between Christmas and New Year's Day the best week of the year or slightly depressing? For me, it's the best week of the year. I spend the week almost, I go feral.

I live in the woods. I come out to shower and to eat, but I live in the woods. It's one of the prime hunting seasons for me. But that means I get to spend extra close time with my son, with my wife is a, her father's a pro bass fisherman. So she's like, she speaks the language, which is pretty amazing. With friends get together and we, so she speaks the language, which is pretty amazing.

Friends get together, so it's one of my favorite times. And then I really get serious about what the next year is going to look like, like strategically. Same. I love that week. I take the whole week off. The kids are home. My husband's home in the same week, so all of us are there. It's like you don't get out of your pajamas. And I spend a lot of time that week thinking about the next year and looking forward and with the kids school with, um, with work and how I want to, it's just a great time to reset

for me. I love it. And then I'm ready for, by the time we get past that, then I'm like ready for the new year. Yeah. I've started something a couple of years ago and I kicked it off again this year where I start November 27th, 25th, 26th, 27th. And I do the, what I would call the resolution action items now. And so I start exercising a very intentional routine. I get up a little bit earlier. I start my journaling stuff.

So I do the things that normally I would wait until January 1 to do with the intention of I'm already at full sprint by the time I hit January 1. And then when my wife and I do our strategic planning retreat that we do every year, like how was this past year? We're already fully going. And I've found that a month lead up to Christmas and that holiday where I've been taking care of my health. I've been journaling. My spiritual life is good. It actually makes me better because normally I would go all the way to the 24th and I crash. And then the kids are like, ah, and I'm like, ah, I could bury y'all in the backyard. But by going a month up and taking care of my sleep and my physical life and my marriage, all those things early, man, it makes the holiday so good.

And then I can eat a little bit more. Not great. Cause man, there's a lot of sweets that make my heart feel good. So anyway, questions for humans, go to johndeloney.com, pick them up. They're so fun. Sitting around new year's this year, waiting for the ball to drop. If you're that kind of person, um, if you are sitting around waiting for the ball to drop if you're that kind of person. If you are sitting around waiting for the fireworks show, get Questions for Humans, the New Year's deck. It gives you and your friends, you and your family something fun to talk about, to plan, to dream about, to listen to other folks. And it's really exciting and encouraging. Go check them out. JohnDeloney.com. All right, let's run out to Jasper, Indiana and talk to Shannon. What's up, Shannon? Hi. How are we doing? I am so nervous.

I didn't think I was, but wow. Okay. Listen, one day I'm just going to have a show of all the people I dated in high school and middle school. Not all of them, just some of them. And they're going to tell some stories and then no one's ever going to be nervous again. I'm just a goofball of the podcast, man. I'm glad you're with us. What's up? Okay. So I've been listening to the show for probably a year now and I have a question that I can't seem to answer myself and it keeps popping up and okay. I don't know what you always talk about in your everything, what you want your life to look like, what you want your picture to be, what you picture, what you want, et cetera. How do you find what you want? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want, but how do you strive for a life that you want?

Because I could dream all day long, but it's not going to be realistic. Why not? Because I'm not a millionaire living on a beach with no responsibilities because all my nannies and housekeepers take care of everything. So if you were to actually go there there in your fantasy life this is a great question by the way um and not in your fantasy like it's not that life but like your fantasy like like is that what you would want no to sit on a beach and literally do nothing while people just handed you drinks because the research tells me that would be amazing for about four days but how do you set realistic once near your picture realistically in your own daily life why are you i'll answer

that question because i think there's some really there's some really simple ways to get there but i'm i'm hung up on your hang up on the word realistic. Because everyone goes to work and you get home and you have two hours with the kids with eating and homework and bedtime. And then before you know it, it's nine o'clock and it's like, wow, that escalated. Where did that go? Um, okay. I guess we'll just unwind and do it all again tomorrow. Like the way you just described that sounds miserable. Well, that makes me sad. Well, I, I think you're somebody who is so, so fun to be around. Is that true? Like, do people like hanging out with you?

Yes. Okay. And I think you're really talented at hiding from yourself. Is that fair? Very. Yes. So, and listen, I can tell by the tone of your voice. Because here's why.

In counseling, they train us that everything is data. Okay? So, if somebody's talking to you and you find yourself, like you keep getting distracted, distracted, distracted, there's a chance that that person experiences that with everyone they talk to, that everyone they talk to is just bored out of their mind. And so a good counselor will say, hey, do people say that you're boring

or people struggle to pay attention to you? You instantly, I'm drawn to you. Okay. Like your vocal inflection, you sound fun. Like I guarantee you people want to hang out with you. Okay. So my question is this, why are you hiding from, or a better word is why are you settling for this? Like what has happened to bring you to this moment where you think the phrase, this is just the way this is going to be? How do you balance your responsibilities as a wife, a mom, an employee with fun?

Because, you know. What's fun? That a lot of things are fun. Because, you know... What's fun? That, that... A lot of things are fun. Rattle them off. Because I don't believe you. Rattle them off. What's fun?

Well, they are fun, but then you throw the kids and the family... Ah, see, there you go. This is just the way this is. What is fun for Shannon? And I'm not picking on you. I'm headed somewhere with this. I have fun at the concerts, eating snacks with my friends in our pajamas. But it's so hard to balance everything. Yes.

And I will tell you that balance is a 100% lie. There's no such thing. No such thing. It's a complete and utter manufactured lie. It's a marketing slogan that's been sold particularly to wives, increasingly towards men, but for the last hundred years, particularly to wives. That you can do it all, have it all, feel it all, experience it all, love it all. And if you're off in any of those, it's because you need a new gadget, a new toy, a new thing, or because you suck and just need to get better. And it's nonsense. It's just nonsense.

So here's, I'm going to, I'm going to start with this and then I'll actually get to your actual question. Okay. Okay. Um, the greatest gift you can give your husband, the greatest gift is having something that you're truly passionate about, that you're plugged into, that you love, that lights you up. The greatest gift. If you don't know what that is. We'll get there.

I'll show you. I'll show you how to get there. The greatest thing you can give your kids is you having friends that you go to concerts with. Not all the time and abandon your children. That's not what I'm talking about. But people that you go hang out with, people that bring you joy and laughter and make you feel alive.

That's the greatest gift because that makes you non-anxious. That makes you non-electric. Or in your case, that makes you non-dysthymic. That's just the way this is. Low level depression all the time. Yes. Right?

Yes. And the kids absorb that, your husband absorbs that. And I'm just going to throw something out there. You can say, no, you're kind of missing the boat here. Your husband tries to get it back through sex or through some sort of adventure or he has created a life of his own. The latter. Okay.

Your kids either bury their faces in electronics or they try to cure you through, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom. Yeah. Okay. So here's a great way. I think you're onto it. You're so close to it. You're looking past it You ever have like your kid like is like mom Where's the fork and you're like right there and they're like where?

And their hand is one centimeter from it. That's you Okay, I don't want you to think that you're malfunctioning you're broken or you have a hundred miles to go. You don't you're right there Tell me some things in your life. You 100 miles to go. You don't. You're right there. Tell me some things in your life you're sick of that you don't want. That's a long list. Give me five of them. Rattle them off.

Oh, my gosh. Top of your mind. Doesn't matter whose feelings you think you need to protect. You've been protecting people's feelings your whole freaking life, and just for this one call,

just stop. Tell me what you're sick of. Being boring. Being bored at home. Okay. Just everybody just being so grouchy. Okay. Is everybody mostly your husband?

All three. My husband and kids. Okay. I'm so excited to go home and you open the door and it's just like, whoa. Yeah. What else? What are you tired of?

I don't know. What do you not want? You started the call like, I don't know what I do want, but I know what I don't want. What do you not want? I just want people to be fun to be around. The day doesn't have to end at

nine or ten or whatever, but it does in real life because you have to get up and do it all over again. I don't want a non-ending party, but I just feel like everyone's down. That's silly. No, listen, what you just described in a beautiful way, I would suggest most of America is experiencing it.

Almost everybody is just sick of it. And if we go all the way to the halls of politicians, nobody will tell us what they're for. They will only tell us why everyone else is awful. And in our, all the way down to our local communities, nobody will do anything but yell and scream and fight and be angry and inside our homes everyone's just not happy and i don't mean happy in fireworks and marshmallows and you know and cigarettes when you're in high school i'm talking about happy like they don't like the lives they've created for themselves right yes then they're grouchy about it. Okay? That's a perfect word. Everyone is Oscar the Grouch.

And so here's the exercise, okay? Reverse. I envy people who can just be like, I want this, and I'm going to go get this. That's just not how I work. In my life, I got sick of being unable to sleep. And I got sick of my wife and my kids having to create a life away from me because I was so anxious and electric all the time. And so in this situation, I'm your husband. I'm so sick of being so grouchy in my own home. How do I stop this?

I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I had to stop feeling like this. And so reverse engineering is a great way to find out. You're not that far off, but I want you to spend some time actually writing down what am I tired of in my own home? Because if you have a house surrounded by grouchy people and your natural inclination is laughter and joy and let's go do something fun, or my gosh, the kids are in bed, let's close the door and peel the wallpaper off this place. I just want to, I got to do some work, honey. And you

feel trapped in your own home, then your body just shuts the whole thing down, right? Yes. Okay. Let's reverse engineer it. Let's write down and let's be honest for probably the first time. And you said there's a long list. I want you to make that long list. Tired of everybody being so bored and grouchy. I'm tired of not having enough money for this.

I'm tired of, I'm just can't handle, write that crap down. And then I want you to make a column, that's one column. And then next to it, you can do an Excel spreadsheet if you're a super nerd, or you can do it on a yellow pad if you're from the 14th century like me. And I want you just to draw a line to the things that you can actually do something about. Okay. So that's step one. What of these things that I want to be different in my life can I actually do something about? Okay, that's step one. Here's step two.

The more they're things, the more it ends up in accusation land. So you take your husband out for breakfast or for lunch, like I always tell everybody to do, and you say, I need you to stop doing this and stop doing this and stop doing this. Well, now you started throwing punches and he has to, he has to swing back or he has to turtle up and just take it. Okay. So I don't want you to start with, you need to do a, you need to do B,

you need to do C. I want you to start with something completely different. And I've talked about this a little bit publicly. I need to do a better job of it. When my wife sat across the table for me, and this is years ago, and we were deciding, are we, like grownups, are we still going to be married? Like, let's be adults. Is this where this thing ends?

And we both agreed, no. This is where this thing's going to restart and be reimagined. But when we did that, we started with something that is very not me and is very not her. We started with our feelings first. How do I want this house to feel when I walk into it? And then from the feeling part,

what has to be true? And so I said, I want to feel safe in my own body, in my own house. Because I grew up in the house of a homicide detective that at any moment it could all come down, right? I wanted a couple of acres and I wanted a huge garden and I wanted to become a better hunter. Does that mean I'm a little bit of a prepper? A little bit. Chill, Shannon, right? But my wife said, cool. So here's what has to happen for that. We have to make X amount of dollars, which means for a season, we have to sacrifice X, Y, and Z for that. We have to make X amount of dollars, which means for a season, we have to sacrifice X, Y, and Z for that to happen. When we had that conversation and we had a roadmap, it didn't start with, you need to make more money or I need to work more. It started with, I want to feel safe. And my whole body went whoosh. And both of us said, we want, when we open our front door,

we want our house to feel, or actually, when we come up, we have a long driveway into the woods. I mean, there is banjos a-playing out there, and you turn into our long driveway. My wife said, I want to feel like I'm coming home, and I said, when we open the front door, I want it to feel like laughter and warmth. So, what has to be true? She said, when you get home before me, will you turn the porch lights on so I can see them coming from half a mile away? Done. For it to feel warm and full of laughter, the house can't be full of dishes. John, you can't have piles all over the freaking house. Can't be dirty clothes just dropped

from the opening to the front door all the way to the back. Done. See what I'm saying? So the question is sitting down with your husband saying, what has to be true in this home that you don't have to feel so grouchy? Or what has to be true in your life that makes you have to treat our kids like this, treat me like this, treat the sacredness of our home like this. And we're going to start with feelings first. Does that make sense? Yes. Why does that scare you so much? Because my husband has a lot of ability to shut it down without proceeding as adults.

Yeah. So here's the problem. You have to make space for your husband won't come along for the ride. And I want to challenge you to tell him I, me and our kids cannot accept what may become verbally abusive. We can't. I'm asking you not to shut down when we have this conversation today. Do you promise me that?

And if he says, uh-uh, I ain't doing that, then you know in your heart you got bigger issues in your marriage, right? Right. Do you have bigger issues in your marriage? Our biggest issue is communication. Okay. I think this is a great way to begin to get everybody on the same page,

especially as we enter into a new year. And so when you sit down and say, hey, let's go on a long date, a two or three hour date, preferably in the morning because people aren't exhausted. I want you to make a lot of I statements. Here's what I want to feel like in my home. Here's what I want our sex life to be like.

Here's what I want my relationship with our kids to be like. I would love to hear from you, husband. What do you want this to feel like? And then how do we combine these things and how do we get there? And if he shuts down and says, that's stupid. I ain't doing this, Mark. Oh my gosh. If you would just shut up, then none of this would happen. If that's the response, then you tell him, I'm going to go see a counselor. This breakfast is over because this isn't working. And I'm not saying leave him. I'm saying you've got much bigger issues in your marriage because you have a man, a husband who has no interest in loving his wife You have a man or a husband who has no interest in building a long-term relationship with his kids

You have a husband who is interested in being a whiny brat And husbands if you're listening to this and you are a grouch stop Fix it Get the healing you need. When I work hard, I get a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, my brand new book. I want you to use it as a roadmap. In my home, these six stages, these six choices, where are we off? Actually, I'm going to send you two.

Ask your husband if he'll read it with you. So I'm just asking you to love me enough just to read this book with me. And I want us to use these six daily choices as a roadmap to bring peace into our house. And tell them, I love you so much that I want more for you in your life than you just to be exhausted and grouchy and not even like being in your own home. I want that to be different. Do you? Thank you so, so much for the call, Shannon. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you.

We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious,

if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule.

You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it

and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com

slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Kansas City and talk to SCO22. What's up, Scott? Thanks, Dr. John. It's such an honor to be on the show with you. I'm grateful for you, man.

It's an honor for me. What's up? All right, here's what's up. So here's the question and then we'll circle back around for more context. But should I attend my dad's upcoming wedding, even though I believe he is not a healthy person, has no business getting married, and I feel sorry for his girlfriend, now fiance, because internally, I am screaming, why are you even marrying my dad? Wow. It sounds like there is a, I'm smiling because, wow, that's a lot, dude.

What'd your dad do? What did he do? Yeah. What brought your relationship here? That has been a very long road. Um, most recently he and my mom separated about two years ago and then got officially divorced about this time last year. And then the ink was hardly dry on the documents before he was telling me he was out there looking for a girlfriend. Growing up, I have come to realize he was emotionally and verbally abusive, never physical, but emotionally, verbally, very controlling,

and kind of like a roundabout, manipulative, sinister type of way. You just feel crushed, like there's no power there for you. And also, my mom would have dealt with that and more too before they separated. So how old are you now? I am 28. Okay. Um, do you have contact with your dad? Do y'all talk regularly? Am I, I do have contact.

He lives in the area. I think over this calendar year, we may have talked slash gotten together for family events one, two, three, four, maybe five times. So you don't have a relationship with him? No. Okay. So do this. Why would you go? Why would you go? Why would I go? Yep.

Because it feels like a very big thing to say, I'm your son and I'm not going to your wedding. Did it feel like a big thing when he said, I'm your dad and I'm leaving your mom and I'm going out on the playing field to get lucky again? Yeah. Did it feel like a big thing when he said, I don't give a crap what you think about X and Y and Z. You need to do this. You should do this. I can't believe you did that.

You failed this. And he's been doing that to your whole freaking life. Yeah. Those are, those are big things. So at some point, you're going to have to decide, I'm going to continue to prop up my dad's emotional health for him because he is too much of a coward

to go get the help he needs to be able to hold himself up. And that's what you have done for him your whole life and his whole time of knowing you fair? yep very fair so I can't tell you

whether to go to this wedding or not I am somewhat of a peacekeeper so I'd probably just go but I wouldn't go for him I'd go for me but also if you said dude I can't go to this I wouldn't go for him. I'd go for me, but also if you said, dude, I can't go to that. I can't be a part of this. He ditched my mom, and he's already getting remarried. It'd be a slap in the face to my mom, and more importantly, I'm not going to be his little pat me on the head approver boy anymore.

That's not my job. He's a grown man. And if he still needs his little boy's approval to blow up the family and to start a new family, that's not my job anymore. I'm not doing that anymore. If you said, I'm not going, I'd high-five you for that too.

But I don't want you to go out of cowardice, out of, I don't want to make him mad. Right. I don't want to hurt his feelings because he hasn't given a crap about your feelings ever. And it's probably fair to say in times when he pretended to care about your feelings, it was because he couldn't handle your bad feelings. Not because he actually cared that you were hurting. Is that fair? Yeah, I think that's fair. There are a lot of the times that come to my mind, like, I think it was more like kind of like damage control. Like, here, let me come fix this issue with my son or let me work on this issue because the result is, otherwise it would look bad for me.

Right. And so- I don't want to hit my kid. I know he didn't hit you, but I'm just using that because it's an outlandish example. I don't want to hit my kid, not because it's wrong,

because I'm going to hurt a child because I'm going to make my child unable to understand what love actually is, feels like in a connected, deep, resounding way. But I'm not going to hit my kid because I don't want people to think I'm a bad guy. One of those is noble and honorable, and one of them is grossly self-serving. Right? Yep.

Yeah. So I think after, when you live with somebody like that, you develop, um, crippling overthinking. How do you know? Because I've sat with people like you for 20 years and you loop and loop and loop because here's why you've been trying to please a boss who has no um you've been trying to make a boss happy without a job description

and on monday you sell five things and your boss is like that's amazing and then tuesday you sell five things and he's like you suck you should have sold 15 and wednesday you knock on his door to tell him you sold five things and he didn't even answer it. And so what you develop is this spinning thought wheel, for lack of better terms. And there's some actual biochemical processes going on here, but you develop a maniacal spinning thought wheel trying to figure out the way you can bridge the gap to his heart. Because what happens with little boys, especially, but it happens with little girls too, is when you have a father like you had. And let's be honest, he provided food.

Do you have shelter? Yes. Right? So there is a good side to this. You learn some stuff. And my guess is you've probably become very sophisticated in how you manage workplace politics. Is that fair?

Depends, maybe. Okay. So, you've been trying to answer the question your whole life. Dad, do you love me? What is it? Why, why? Why do we keep having to,

why can't you just? And I'll tell you, this wedding isn't going to solve that. No, it's not going to. And me and my siblings are just waiting for when it's going to blow up again. Well, I wouldn't wait. I'd go on with my life. And you see what I'm saying? Like y'all are waiting for the explosion.

You've been waiting for this explosion your whole lives and it always comes but what you do is you don't live your life for 19 months at a time because you're got your breath held and you let stupid crass evil things be said at the five gatherings you get together every year and you, he shows up late or shows up drunk or shows up like this or talks to your mom like that. And she goes, it's fine, guys, it's fine. And you hold your breath and then it blows up and then it all exhales. And what you realize is, oh, holding my breath for 19 months or 24 months or two years or three years or whatever didn't prevent this. And so I'll tell you, you and your siblings should just, as the great Jay-Z said,

brush your shoulders off and move on. Go live your life. And when it blows up, which we all know it will, and your dad calls blaming her for this you can say yeah dad of course we all i mean what do you want me to say we all saw this coming you know i mean but you will have been so much further down the road than you just pulling off the side of the road with the door open and your blinkers on waiting for him to blow up his life so he can come back get back in your car because that's not your job. Right. So what I'm saying sounds mean,

but I also hope you hear it as empowering. Yeah, no, I hear it that way. That's definitely something that, as I've worked on this in therapy for the last year or two, like coming around to the realization that it is boundaries. And it does feel mean. It looks mean, but it's, it's boundaries. It's keeping me safe and letting him just live his life. And here's, here's the big question.

Has he asked your opinion on any, on any of this? He has one time asked me about what he thinks, what I think about his relationship with his girlfriend. What'd you say? I told him that I thought he was moving too fast, that this wasn't a good idea, that I think he needed to work on himself more. And if behavior is a language, what did he say back to you? He said he doesn't care. Booyah! That's what I'm talking about.

He asked your opinion, and when you didn't validate him, he said, I don't want anything to do with you. You're wrong. So he took your wisdom, which is incredibly wise, and he took your thoughts and your thinking and your care and love for him, and he used it as toilet paper. That's it. And so he's not coming back to you and saying, hey, for real though, is this a good idea? Because I won't do it if you guys think this is too fast. I feel like me and your mom, were separate for we lived in the same house but we've

been apart for 10 years i feel alive again is this too fast and y'all go yeah dad you're not okay and he goes all right dude i'm gonna go talk to somebody yeah man i would hold that dude's hand i'd ride it in his earth with that guy But the guy that just goes around to his children trying to get them to pat him on the back for how great he is when he's just destroyed your our mom's life and um He's trying to drag us along with him into the future and i'm i don't know i'm gonna play So after more talking i take back my earlier thing that i'd probably just go. I'm not going to play. So after more talking, I take back my earlier thing

that I'd probably just go. I probably wouldn't go. I would though. And this is just me. I'm a pretty direct, I don't want to say confrontational, but like I just don't mind having hard conversations. I'd probably sit down with him and say,

hey dad, I've thought about it over and over again. I can't, I'm not going to, I'm not going to go to your wedding. Yeah. Dad, it doesn't feel right to me. It feels very, very quick. Um, I feel like you've got a lot of healing that needs to happen and this feels fast. And so I'm going to sit this one out. You can tell him I'm going to sit this one out. I'll catch the next one. That'd be a great joke,

but, um, I'll have to say, man, um say all jokes aside I'm heartbroken for you this isn't how it's supposed to be and you've probably held your mother she's wept over the last year and it's not how it's supposed to be and you've probably uncovered some things in therapy about how your dad treated you

and let's be honest about how your mom just stood by and watched some of it happen which is scary too and frustrating and traumatic also and it's not supposed to be that way Let's be honest about how your mom just stood by and watched some of it happen, which is scary too and frustrating and traumatic. Also, it's not supposed to be that way. I'm sorry, my friend. But here's the deal.

I can't answer this for you. I can just tell you what I would do. I don't think you lose either way, whether you go or whether you skip it. The only way you lose is if you make a decision out of fear or out of pandering or out of cowardice. I'm going to go because I don't want him to get mad at me again. Then you've lost. Not because you went, not because you didn't go. Because once again, you gave him the keys to your life. Time's time for you to take back your own life. Make sure to call my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as

Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our

true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back.

Let's go to Justine in Providence road island hey justine what's happening hi dr delaney how are you good how are you i'm hanging in hanging in all right what's up you could complain and then you sound like one of our politicians what's up um yeah so I guess my main question is how do I mourn my mother, who is still very much alive? And how do I, second question is how do I get my heart to agree with my brain in that it's time to end that relationship? What has happened that brought you here? That's one of the most sacred relationships, a mother and her daughter. What happened?

Yeah, and I'm going to try to get to this without getting emotional. Hey, get as emotional as you can. I mean, few things are more emotional than this moment, is having a funeral for somebody that's still alive. Yeah, it's been awful. So I guess, long story short, my mom is, she has battled a prescription pill addiction for about 13, 14 years.

Oh man, that's the devil dude, it's the devil. It's awful. And on top of that, she is borderline personality disorder. Phew. personality disorder. And so, you know, she had me very young. I had a very tumultuous childhood. I've finally kind of come to a place in my life. I'm 34 now where I am married to a wonderful man. I have a stable home. We just had our first child five months ago. Congrats. How's that going? Thank you. Oh, he's just amazing. He's wonderful. I know he probably is. How are you? I'm doing really well with all of that,

but the problem is that I had, even though she's been crazy for my whole life, and then when the pills started, it was like a whole different kind of crazy. I still somehow had this idea in my head that if I was able to make my life as perfect as possible and give her the beautiful grandchild and do all these things that she would see that and want to be well so that she could be a part of it. And even though I knew that wasn't reality, I, there was still a part of me that was like, well, you know, just keep doing this and that. And, and here I am, you know, thinking, well, maybe my mom will show up for me. And she just, she just hasn't. And now that I'm a mother myself, it's different now because she has been violent and the cops get involved every other week and the drugs back and forth. And I can't have my kid around that.

I can't have my kid exposed to those things. And now I'm just... Justine, Justine, this has never been your job. And I'm so sorry. It has been for 34 years. Yeah, it's been awful. I've had to have her committed on a 5150 before, flown across the country to put her under rehab. But listen, this has never been your fault. I know. You know that intellectually. I'm trying to say it to where your fault. I know. You know that intellectually. I'm trying to say it to where your heart can hear it.

Right. And that's the problem. It was never your job. And now, tell me if I'm wrong. You're holding this beautiful five-month-old baby. And it becomes real in a different way. it's very intellectual when you're a kid and your mom you're trying to survive and you know how to talk to your mom and de-escalator and things like i don't want her to go to jail i don't want her to die like those are all

intellectual pursuits they're very very real and tangible but then when you hold your baby it's like, how in the hell could you choose all that over this? Yes, absolutely. It almost makes you insane because that math just simply doesn't compute. Yes. And then you go from, oh my gosh, I've been keeping you alive for 29 years or 30 years or 33 years or 34 years to rage. Fair? Yes. Yes. Yeah. How dare you? When you see how innocent

and beautiful and wonderful this is, right? How dare you? Yes. And so, I mean, the hardest question is, I mean, when are you going to let go? Here's what you're doing. I'm going to give you a crass example. You keep showing up at your local Burger King, walking in and making burgers. And they're like, you don't work here. And you're like, nah,

I'm great at this. I can make good Whoppers. Yeah. And then you go work to register and they're like, you literally don't work here. And you're like, yeah, I'm good at this though.

And you are pretty good at it. And every time you leave, they're like, I mean, I'll take the free labor, but she doesn't even work here. It's not her job. Yep.

So when, yeah, you talked about your, you talked about your baby doesn't deserve to be around this. You don't want your husband around this crap. What are you going to start caring about Justine? Well, and that's, that's the thing is that, you know, my, my head tells me that my head's like, you don't deserve this. You know, she has through her behavior has opted out of relationship with

me. She doesn't want to be well. And you know, that's her saying, I don't care. I want to live my life and be a lunatic. And that's just what it's going to be. But my heart is saying, well, it's the only mother you've got. Well, one day she's not going to be here and you're going to be sorry. You couldn't just put up with it. You know, and like, I... I'm going to tell you something awful.

Can I tell you an awful truth? Yes, you can. When she's gone, you will feel a relief and a peace that you did not know existed. I already, yeah, I understand that. You will beat yourself up for the next decade out of guilt for feeling that way. Yeah. You will exhale in a way that you did not know was possible. And then you'll feel so bad for doing it. Yep. I've anticipated that.

Yeah, it's just awful. It is. I mean, I've cut all communications with her and, you know, it's holidays and it's especially hard around the holidays. It's not, not having your mom, not having your, your kids spend their first Christmas with their grandmother. And it's her that left you. Right. Okay. And I have a special, special place in my soul for people who struggle with addiction. I've walked with them. I've sat with them. I have it. And most of my career has been spent picking up relational shrapnel from the path of destruction. People struggling with addiction leave on their loved ones, their kids, their spouses, right? So I have a deep compassion and also a reality.

Okay. One of the hardest things in the world to do, I think, is to watch a loved one who's an adult make choices that will destroy them and they do not want your support or help or input. That's correct. It's devastating. It's a slow motion train wreck that you're watching. And here's what makes it worse. You could stop it. Sort of.

As your nonsensical control over every variable of the world lies to you and tells you you can. You can't stop it, Justine. You can't. You can't. What you can do is get yourself stuck between that brick wall that's coming and the train and get yourself killed too. You can destroy your marriage. You can put your kid in situations that makes your kid incredibly unsafe. Right.

Right? Yeah, and that I can't allow either of those things. That's right. So here's, I'm gonna give you the same advice I've given a thousand times on this show. And I'm gonna add one caveat to it and it's gonna require some homework from you, okay? Okay.

Are you willing to try? Absolutely. And listen, if this tanks, if this does not work, I want you to call me back. I've never had somebody say it doesn't work, but I'm sure they've tried it and it hasn't, but every single person who's done this has said, I hate the fact that this worked as effectively as it did. Okay. It's going to take three weeks start now and we're recording this show about three weeks four weeks outside of christmas if you start right now you can land this plane right on christmas day cool it will not feel good all right i want you number one to set a timer for 20 to 30 minutes. You get to pick. And I want you to write a letter to your mother about all the amazing things she gave you, she brought you. And it could be

backhanded compliments like, I'm so strong because I had to learn how to navigate the mental health system. And I had to learn how to do inpatient paperwork for my mom when I was 12. It made, you made me, you taught me what love looks like because you kept coming back even though you were stoned out of your mind or you wouldn't take your meds, right? Like I want you to write a love letter to your mom saying thank you. Okay. That's week one. I want you to write that on a Monday. I want you to read that letter every day the rest of the week. Okay? Yep.

Second week, I want you to write a letter that starts, Dear Mom, how dare you? And this one might be more than 30 minutes, but this is where the anger and the frustration and the rage and the heartbreak come out on paper. Yeah. Remember that time you left me when I was seven. Remember that time you had three men spending the night in our house and fill in the blank. Yeah. You shouldn't have done that to a little girl.

You shouldn't have. You see what I'm saying? I want you to write that letter. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The following week, I want you to write that letter. Okay? Okay. Yeah. The following week, I want you to write a letter.

Dear mom, let me tell you about my life now. I want you to describe how amazing your husband is and what he brings to you, how he makes you feel, stable, whole, loved and seen.

I want you to tell your mom about your new baby. How amazing the birth process was. Did she probably, did she miss it? Yeah. Yeah, that you missed. It was amazing. And here's what this letter is. It is mom.

Here's the daughter you raised. Here's what you're going to miss. And I'm going to miss you. This is the heartbreak letter, but it's the truth-telling letter Okay Yeah And as we roll into christmas, this is number four and this is the hard one And you're like the other three kind of suck

This is number four. It's hard because it's it's into the future I want you to write a letter to your new baby And I want you to write a letter to your new baby. And I want you to read that letter. I want you to record yourself reading that letter to your baby. Dear sweetheart, you've brought me light. I want you to tell that baby what their life is going to be like, how they're going to be loved, how they're going to be seen.

And when mom's not well, which you're going to have seasons when you're not well too, that you're going to go get help. I want you to be seen. And when mom's not well, which you're going to have seasons when you're not well too, that you're going to go get help. I want you to make commitments. I want you to talk to that baby through that letter. And I want there to be a recording of it. Yeah. Okay. And I think that could be a magical Christmas gift for a, what will be almost six month old.

Yep. Is that cool? Okay. Absolutely. And I want you to look around the room on Christmas morning and your mom won't be there and it's okay to weep. Yeah. It's okay to be really sad. And like that third letter, it's okay to be like, man, this is what we got.

This is our picture. We're going to paint it. We thought we were painting landscapes. Well, we're painting dinosaurs now, right? Yeah. If you want to be a real gangster, when you write these letters, I want you to read them out loud to your husband,

maybe a couple of your girlfriends. I want you to read it out loud. Okay. As the great David Kessler says, I say this all the time, grief demands a witness. Yeah. Bringing somebody else in and just reading it out loud. There probably are some stories your husband has no idea

that you experienced. Is that fair? Yeah. Bringing somebody else in and just reading it out loud. There probably is some stories your husband has no idea that you experienced. Is that fair? Yeah. You probably have three or four close girlfriends that love you upwards and downwards and sideways and backwards and forwards, and they don't know what you've been through. Yeah. Yeah. So tell them, hey, Tuesday, we're going for coffee. I had to write this letter because this moron on this YouTube show told me to do this.

And I got to read it to you. And it's tough. And so y'all bring grown-up drinks and we're going to do this. Right? Okay. And expect to have both things on Christmas morning. Relief. Peace.

And grief. Heartbreak. Mom should be there. Grandma should be there for babies first, and she's not. And thank God she didn't bring that chaos here. If you are struggling with addiction and you happen to be listening to this show, whether it's pornography, whether it's pills, whether it's whatever, it's alcohol, gambling, give yourself the gift of freedom this Christmas and call somebody, please. You're worth so much more. And as you've heard from Justine,

you can't get clean for other people. You can only get clean for yourself. But man, people in your life that you love and who love you, they deserve that too. Make a call. Justine, you're awesome. Anytime I can help, holler at me. I'd love to hear how this process goes. Call me after Christmas and let me know. Both hands. Proud of you. We'll be right back. to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we have everyone's favorite installment,

episode, what do we call them? Is it an installment? I'm the problem, is it me? Go, Kelly. All right, this is from Lisa in installment? I'm the problem. Is it me? Go, Kelly. All right. This is from Lisa in Missouri. Am I the problem? Should we do a secret DNA test? Is this a Missouri question or what? On our three-month-old nephew. My husband's brother surprised us all last Christmas with news that his on-again, off-again girlfriend was pregnant.

The family was shocked but supportive. But his parents privately told us that they were going to run a DNA test on the baby to confirm that he was the father. Now the baby's here and he's adorable. And the grandparents have bonded with him and said that they're not going to do the test. I still think it's an important question to know for certain who the father is and better to know now than when he's 10 or 20 years old, right? Is it terrible that we've thought about

doing this test secretly and sending it in to get a definitive answer? Ladies and gentlemen, I quit. I quit. I quit humanity and I quit the show. I quit everything. Yes, you're the problem Please do not run secret DNA tests

On your nephew Please Please Just don't If You're holding this nephew And Almost like in a Saturday Night Live kind of way, it's super clear that your brother-in-law

or brother is not the father, take him out for a beer and point that out, right? But please, God help you, don't run secret DNA tests on your family members. Just don't do that. Is that right, Kelly? What do you think? Oh, 100%.

I mean, there might even be a legality issue here. I don't know that. I'm sure you could find a strand of baby hair and just run it. I know, but no. I don't know enough about DNA tests. That's the parent's job if they want to do it, or he'll have to deal with that when he gets older. But, man, talk about dropping a bomb in the middle of your family.

You know what? If the grandparents and everybody's happy with this, just love the child. Just love him. Because what are you going to do if it's not? How do they tell them? Yeah, as an aunt and an uncle, what are you going to be like? Well, then you can't call me aunt so-and-so. Yeah, life is not a Maury Povich show.

You're not going to be like, hey, everybody, pass the spaghetti. And you are not the father. Exactly. That's not how it's going to work. What are you going to do? You're not going to be like, hey, everybody, pass the spaghetti. And you are not the father. Exactly. That's not how it's going to work. What are you going to do? Are you not going to love the child? Because what if he knows it's not his? What if in his head the father knows this isn't my baby, but I don't care.

Yeah. I'm raising this child. Not their call. Please, dear God, don't. If you ever think, hey, unasked by my family members, let's do something secretive. Just answer probably no. No. No.

Unless it's calling CPS because you were witnessing child abuse. Other than that, or elder abuse. Other than that, just love that sweet little baby. Love that sweet little baby. And if you can tell, oh my gosh, there's no way. No way. Just smile at your brother-in-law and say, wow, what a great guy. Taking care of this baby. America, and to my friends, I've got lots of friends and community in Missouri. I'm not hating on you. Just making a joke. But God bless America. Jeez Louise. Stay

in school and don't do drugs. Love you guys. Bye.