The Dr. John Delony Show - My Long-Distance Girlfriend Is Not Who I Thought She Was

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

Today’s show is about a wife whose family won’t even be in the same room as her conservative husband, a man who just discovered his girlfriend is a compulsive liar, and the right way to set New Year’s resolutions. My family hates my husband because he is conservative I found out my long-distance girlfriend is not who I thought she was How to make new years resolutions mail your New Years resolutions to us: The Dr. John Delony Show | 1011 Reams Fleming Blvd. Franklin, TN 37064 Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman whose family is walking away from her after she married her new husband. We talk to a guy who's facing a breakup after six years with the same person. We talk about New Year's resolutions because it's the New Year's Eve show. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good night. Hope you're doing well. On this show, we talk about mental health, relationships, schooling, parenting, figuring out life. I'm going to walk alongside you as we figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, or give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291.

That's 1-844-693-3291. It is New Year's Eve. What are you doing listening to a podcast? Especially this one. It's New Year's Eve, what are you doing listening to a podcast? Especially this one. It's New Year's Eve. But alas, I will be listening to podcasts on New Year's Eve too. We're recording this one in advance. So on today's show, we're going to take some calls,

and we're also going to talk about my recommendations for New Year's resolutions. I'm a big resolve guy. And so we'll talk about that on today's show. Let's get right to the calls though. Let's go to Leslie in Burlington Coat Factory, Vermont. What's up, Leslie? How are we doing? Good morning, Dr. John. How are you this morning? So good. How about you? I'm doing very well. The sun is shining. Life is good. Yes. We are out here. Our pets' heads are falling off. What's up? How can I help? I'm doing, so I was looking for some advice on how to handle some family relationships, in particular, the one with my sister. Okay. Some of the context is that

I recently got married last month and I had been with my now husband for just about six years. Early on, there was some conflict between him and my family because he has some strong conservative values and very strong convictions in his faith. And they sort of attacked him for that. But my parents and most of my extended family, seeing that I was happy, were able to look past it and just see him for the guy that he is. But some of my family, in particular, my sister and a few cousins who I was very close with before I started dating him, are sort of still holding on to that, not quite resentment, but for lack of a better word, resentment. It's now to the point where, like, my sister won't talk to me, refuses to visit our house, and essentially causes trauma any chance that she gets. Any chance that she gets. If I'm being honest, I've never really had a good relationship with my sister, but it's definitely gotten exponentially worse since I started dating my husband.

I don't want to assume any motive, but if I had to put my guess, I would think that it's partially because my husband really helped me find out, you know, what my beliefs were and let me do my own, you know, investigating and forming my own opinion instead of just, you know just whatever my family pushes me into, whatever box they assign me to. Sure. What can I do to help rebuild and in some cases build these relationships back without having to cave on my views and beliefs? You can't. Easy enough. So, I mean, you dated this guy for six years and you knew what your family thought of them and you knew what you thought of him and you chose him. And so as a result of your choice, your family is now making their choices. And the challenge here is everybody's got a fantasy that they're trying to uphold. Like, I think in your heart and mind that once they realize that, no, I really love him. And yes, we see the world differently, but he's a good guy.

I'm a good person and, and, and. Then we'll all just go back to one big happy family like on the TV shows. And they thought, oh, we can't stand his beliefs and values and he's annoying he's got a whatever and whatever and fill in the blank but once once they get married they'll just be fine and then everybody realized it was exactly the same as before you're married and they're so the fantasy is crumbling in front of everybody and then people respond to crumbling fantasies in different ways. I tend to respond to them with a moment of frustration.

And then just like, I don't know. I don't know if it's genetic or whatever. I just move on. Like, you know, or Jocko, he says like, good. Like, it is what it is, man. Let's just move on to the next thing. And other people spend the next 40 years of their life going to war over their picture of that fantasy what our life should have been and it doesn't feel right it doesn't look right so it's your fault and it's their fault and i'm gonna create

drama and whatever so really the thing you can do is treat your sister with dignity and respect and move on about your day because she's chosen to not be in relationship with you anymore because you chose to be in relationship with your? I mean, so it's just like a he said, she said, she said, he said. I think you need to grieve the fact that your family's opting out of you. Is that hard?

Incredibly. Yeah. It sucks, huh? Big time. Is what I'm saying resonating with you? Or am I out to lunch? No, definitely. Definitely. It feels like you've been holding your breath for the last four or five years,

trying to make them all happy and still love this guy and truly become who you are in this moment. And you're, by the way, I think every single person's beliefs should change over time. That's why we read new books and go to speeches and try new workout programs

and create discipline in our lives so that we learn new things and our beliefs change. But I think our values should stay the same. Meaning I will treat people with dignity and respect. I will honor my body and my family, blah, blah, blah. So right now your beliefs are what they are,

and you've chosen them. Good for you. I'm proud of you for having resolve and for strength and that you've worked them out on your own and with somebody who you care about. Great. It just sucks when our family looks at our values and who we want to become,

and they're like, ah, I opt out. That's hard, right? For sure. And, um, sort of what, like, you know, since I started dating him, it's definitely felt like I'm more of like the black sheep of the family. Like my cousin, like I said before, I used to be very close with my cousins and now they all have a group chat without me and they, you know, make plans without me, even if it's in my area. And I guess what was the kicker and kind of led to all this kind of like drama starting was when my sister had, you know, I had invited my sister up, said, come up for dinner. Like, let's talk this all out. You know, start fresh.

Like, let's lay everything on the table. And she's like, I can't. I'm busy. Blah, blah, blah. And then that weekend, she had driven two hours past me to go on a spontaneous adventure. And that just makes me think, like, okay, so you have time to drive past me to do this spontaneously. Okay. Let's just say it out loud.

She doesn't like you. That's fair. It sucks. It's hard, but let's just face that truth. She doesn't like you. She doesn't want to be around you so much so that she'll lie to you, her own sister.

So much so that she will drive past your house to go be with other people. And I think you need to spend some time living in that reality. And if I was to be meeting with your cousins right now on the phone, if there was like six of them all on the phone calling me, you know what they'd be saying? We told her for five years and she chose him over us and we're hurt by that. Right. And that's what you did. And I'm not saying that's right or wrong. I'm just trying to lay out the facts of this thing. For sure. So everybody's made their choices, their big grownup decisions, and they've led everybody to a place where they don't want to be in relationship with each other. You want the idea of a sister, but you don't like

your sister. You haven't ever. Is that right? That's putting it a bit strongly, but in so many words, yeah. I mean, you like the idea of having a ride-or-die sister that you call and you talk about things

and when you get pregnant, you're going to talk about that. And when your husband does something dumb you got somebody to call and that's just not going to be your situation at least for the time being what I do think often these value conversations turn into you're a scumbag

and underneath values conversations especially political conversations whether it's conservative or liberal conversations and we just force the world into these two options, which is just so stupid. Right. It can be values-based, but then it gets into hospitality-based. And that's where I think both sides have issues. Right.

I hate your idea so much, I won't be in your physical presence. And I think that's toxic and insane. Mm-hmm. I won't be in your physical presence. And I think that's toxic and insane. And I hate this group of people or this way of thinking or this way of being or this way of acting so much. I'm going to cash out my family over it. And I think that's insane too. I think there's a third way. But that's not where your family is.

That's not where a lot of families are. And that's okay. I think you've got to sit in the reality That your family doesn't want to be around you And I and i'm not saying that trite i'm saying that with a broken heart for you And then when you grieve that so all grief is is the gap between what I expected and hoped for And reality that's grief. I thought he would live forever. I thought she would quit drinking.

I thought that he would only cheat on me one time, but he's done it three times. Grief is just sitting in that gap for a minute and then saying, now what? And then now what will mean, you still have to have people in your life. And so you're gonna have to be about making new friends, people you can call and trust and lean into. You're gonna to have to be about re-imagining what holidays are going to

look like. You're going to have to be about re-imagining what your relationship with your sister is going to be. Because you're still going to have to deal with mom and dad. You're still going to have to, they're getting old, all that kind of stuff. You're still going to have to have a communication, even if it's just quick text messages or emails or whatever. But that's not for right now. Right now is just sitting in the grief that your sister thinks you chose him over them. And now they're moving on with their life without you. I'm sorry. No, it's definitely a good way to put it. I guess what's made this also hard is that my mom definitely tends to like,

not put her problems on me, but like looks to me to essentially solve her problems. And this has definitely been a big point of contention for her because she wants the happy family like everyone does. That's right. And it just— So here's how you can handle that. You can tell your mom, Mom, I love you. And I now have come to a place to realize I married who I married. I'm going to stay with him.

I right now believe the way I believe. And I'm going to continue to be a searcher, continue to look for ways I can grow and learn as we work through the world. And that might make you more conservative, infinitely more conservative. I'm not trying to lean you in a certain way. I'm saying this is just who I am. I'm going to be somebody who's always looking and learning and asking questions and meeting with new people. But this is our life. I love you.

I will always show up for dinner. I'll always be there. I'm not going to go to war with my family. And if y'all choose other things without me, that hurts my feelings. That breaks my heart. I'm going to choose to allow that to break my heart. And I understand y'all are grownups.

Y'all get to make those calls. But I think it's also fair after you grieve, what comes after grief is boundaries. And after you lose a spouse, you have to decide what I will watch and what I will look at and who I will hang out with. Like you've got to really start to create new boundaries. That's where you're going to be. And you and your husband will co-create those boundaries together. We're just, I'm not, I'm going to quit reaching out to sister other than on her birthday.

I'm going to send her something because I'm a decent human being. I am going to send her a text on her birthday. I am going to, I'll do, I'll be human. But I'm going to start doing the hard work of finding new friends. And that's hard. I'm going to do the hard work of controlling my thoughts and actions. And if she chooses to, I'm not going to put her into a situation to even lie to me anymore. I'm going to move on from that. And I'm going to tell my mom, mom, I can't solve all of your problems. I will be there for dinner. And if you ask him to not come, I'm not going to come. And cause you're putting me in a situation that, um, I'm not, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to play along with, but yeah, you got to spend some time with

some grief is hard. You can't make people like you. And after six years, you made your choice. And again, I'm proud of your convictions. I'm proud of your strength. And now you made your choices. And then we're going to live in the reality of what those choices mean for you and for those that you care about. I know that's hard. But we'll be with you. Stay tuned right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about

how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now,

my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program

will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Flapjack Jack, let's go to Mitch in Boise, Idaho. Mitch, I love that name. What's up, brother? Good morning, Dr. John. How are you doing? Good, man. How are you? Doing okay. Thanks for taking my call. You got it.

So what's up, man? So, um, I, um, in a relationship, I guess you would say at this point, um, Hold on, man. Yeah. You guess I would say at this point. Sounds like y'all are madly in love, man. Are you in a relationship or not in one? Well, let me explain.

Several years ago, I started dating a woman, and at first it was long distance. As time went by, she was able to move closer. We started to become serious. Started talking about marriage. And then, you know, big things are

children, religion and money. And so when we started doing things like traveling to see builders and architects, she became very nervous. Um, when I sat down and talk about, you know, my financial situation, she became very nervous. Um, uh, she would miss appointments to talk about, you know, my financial situation. She became very nervous. Um, uh, she would miss appointments to talk about her financial situation and it just, things got really weird really quickly. How old is she? Um, she's probably in her early 40s. How old are you? Late 40s. Okay.

Has she been married before? No, she has not. Have you? No, I have not. She's not married. Okay. And then at the end of all of this, it turns out that I didn't know who she was. And I mean that on all levels.

I didn't know her parents. I didn't know where she grew up. I didn't know where she went to school. I didn't know anything about her. Yeah, I didn't know her name, John. So she was like living a lie all this time? A very, very elaborate lie. Whoa.

And in the end, she started having depression, alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation. I'm trying to work with her to get her treatment, but I want to move on. Yeah, why? Why? You're married. I mean, you're dating move on. Yeah, why? Why? You're married. I mean, you're dating a fraud. Yeah, I am. But I'm worried about her kids.

I'm worried about her. I'm worried about her doing harm to herself. Yeah, I mean, there's a humanitarian responsibility there, which I get, and you need to put her in front of professionals that can do that kind of work. Is this some, I mean, I'm speaking for you. Maybe you realized everything was an elaborate lie after all this time, and you're cool with it, and you're like,

oh, that's cool, shake it off, I'll forgive you, and then let's move on, let's create something now under reality. I mean, is that where you're at? Are you on out of this thing? No, I'm done because I tried that once and then there were more things came to light. Yeah, dude. I mean,

this is heartbreaking because you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with this woman. Have you sat in that for a minute? Yeah. Like this sucks. Yeah. No, I'm I want to move on, but I don't want to move on under the next person without having, you know, ended it with this person.

But I'm concerned if I ended it with this person, she's going to end up in a bad, bad place. Yeah, and she might be. Your responsibility is to treat her with dignity and respect and to call 911. It's not to continue a janky,

stumbly, pseudo-romantic relationship with somebody just because you're trying to help her out. That's not helping anybody. In fact, that's part of the ruse. That's part of the game. Is that she'll drag you along

and you become like a leaky oxygen tank for her until she can find the next thing. Man. Yeah, man. If you're done, be done. Yeah, man. If you're done, be done. With bold conviction. And she's made some choices. She's got some significant challenges.

Yeah. Yeah. But she took advantage of hell. How long have you been together, man? About six years now. Yeah. That's hard, man. hard man slicing my life on yeah

and my hope is you can sit in that grief for a season and then look back and say even though it was a lie y'all had fun, you did laugh there was romance it's not with the person you thought and the way you felt I don't know dude,. That's hard, man.

Yeah. Not even hard. That's devastating. I'll just use that word. Have you ever listened to this show? This show? No, I've heard you on the Ram. Okay.

On my other shows. So you probably haven't heard me say this. One of the most devastating things about what you're experiencing is A, somebody lied to you and they played a long game on you. And that's devastating. It's unnerving.

But what I find most often is that Mitch suddenly doesn't trust Mitch anymore. Like how in the world did I miss this? And every new person you meet is this big, like, well, my signals were off last time. I don't know. And it comes across as you don't trust them.

But often the major distrust is in you. And it's unnerving because you don't know which way to walk anymore because you don't trust your feet anymore. You don't trust your eyes. You don't trust your heart. You don't trust anything anymore. And you got to own that.

Otherwise, it just will, it will affect every new relationship you're involved in. And you thought you won this one, huh? Like I can just imagine you're 44, you're 43. You're starting to think like, man, this, I'm just gonna be a single dude. And then you find somebody and then she moves in or moves out and whatever. And then suddenly you're like, you allowed yourself to believe. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good way to sum it up. You're going to slide into this deal under 50, have the last back half of your life to ride or die with somebody. And dude, she's a fraud. I hate that for you, man. I just

don't want you to minimize that. And again, I'm speaking to you and everybody listening. I don't want you to minimize how big of a deal this is. This is heavy. Yeah. So you're done, done, done? Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's nothing to build on.

When trust has been betrayed over and over in a huge, huge way, there's just no way to build it from it. So do you all live together? No. So what does a breakup look like for you? Breakup would look like a phone conversation. Can you do that in person? Yeah, probably could.

Probably should. So here's what I would recommend. After six years of somebody who's made a series of really unfortunate character choices and is probably struggling with a lot of physical and mental health challenges. Am I right on both of those? Yeah, I think there's a lot going on with her that she needs a lot of help. Okay.

Most of the time, folks in this situation create a breakup event and it's got a lot of prelude and a lot of talking and a lot of hugging and crying and negotiating. And what I would recommend is putting your thoughts in a letter and having an in-person conversation that is on the whole very, very short. Is this going to be a stunning surprise to her?

Surely she knows this is coming in some shape, form or fashion. Well, she knows I'm definitely not happy with her. I think that's part of what's led to the alcohol abuse, etc. Okay. And this is the same when you have to fire somebody? Is this the same when you're

breaking up with somebody? The conversation should be 15 minutes, 10 minutes. This relationship is officially done. I am ending this relationship. I don't want to talk with you anymore. If you want to, like, my heart is in this letter right here. And here's what that does. As soon as you say those words, boom.

Her ability to think critically is off. She's in fight or flight. So her thinking brain is off. Her survival brain is in full. She will say anything, do anything. And some of that stuff will be true. Some of it will be, I'm so sorry. And then it will get into threats

and I'm going to do this. If you write it in a letter, she can go back to it over and over and over and over again. And she can't begin to misconstrue and mischaracterize what you say and how you set up. And so a very clear facts for your friends, I'm standing at the doorway of a home.

Ma'am, your husband was in a car wreck today, and he has died, period. Just like that. Not, well, there was rainy outside. It was a darkest, stormy night. Nope, here's exactly what happened. That's what I'm recommending with you is to have an in-person conversation and

let her know this conversation I mean if that's where you're going with it if you get in that conversation and you choose that you want to stick with her great but I'd spend some time

processing that thing and then man please go talk to somebody even if it's once or twice just to get all of that out because you got to build some trust with Mitch,

man. Okay. And if you think she's going to hurt herself, make sure you've got 911 there. Or if you need to have a social worker with you, or if she's got a psychiatrist that you want to reach out to, you can call her counselor, her psychologist,

her psychiatrist, and say, I'm going to be terminating my relationship with this person today or tomorrow. They can't call you back. They can't even tell you that they're seeing her. But they can take data one way. Okay. And they may know, oh, crap, I need to reach out.

And what you're doing there is you are putting the impetus on the professional. You are saying you are equipped to deal with this. I am not. I'm not a suicide expert. I am not a crisis response expert. You are. So here you go. I'm calling 911. And that's where your responsibility lies there. And I know this sounds harsh and clinical. I don't want to see you get dragged into the next nine months of, I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to not kill myself, because you're not equipped to handle that. That's not your, you don't have the skill set to deal with that.

Is that fair? Yeah, yeah, that's true. Cool. Man, I'm sorry, brother. Okay. I'm sorry. Well, I appreciate the direction. Anything else I can help you with?

I feel like it's a bummer call, man. I don't know. I wish I could have given you, like, ah, dude, just say this, and it's going to be cool. Right. But it sounds like you call like you already know, man. Oh, yeah. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to, I don't know, get better.

It's just trying to find a way to find a way to take my life back. Yeah. Well, dude, I'll walk with you. You want to call back after this thing's, like, the smoke clears a little bit and, like, now what's next, man? I'm happy to walk with you on that side of it, too. Okay. All right. Thank you very much.

All right, brother. I'm grateful for you, Mitch. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. Thank you very much. we can segue. The two calls so far today, they've got to face reality. They got to face reality. Here's the world they're in. Previous caller Mitch is six years. He was lied to, just completely bamboozled. And here's reality. He's done with this relationship and now what's next. And before that, Leslie Burlington, man, she made a choice on who she's going to marry. And she's got a choice on her beliefs. And her family said, well, then we're out.

And bam, she's sitting in that reality. And again, you've heard me start to say this a little bit, but we live in a culture that's one of two. We just force people in these binary choices. Either, you know, you got no feelings. Just go do, right? And you got the other side of it, which is, how do you feel? How do you tell us about your feelings? How do you feel?

And if you don't feel it, you do you, YOLO, whatever. And I think both of those are nonsense. The path forward for all of us is both and. It's a third way. It's a third path. It's acknowledging the stories you were born into, the ones you were told, acknowledging reality, and now what? Now what?

What are you going to do now? What are you going to do now? And that brings us to New Year's, man, my favorite time of the year. Since I was a little kid, I love New Year's, and I talked about this last year. I just think it's hilarious that as a culture, we all just give each other a mulligan. No matter what, you can just be, well, I gained 811 pounds. Well, man, I tried crack a few times, and now I'm all, like, whatever the thing is, and it's like, well, New Year's resolution time, and everyone's like, sweet, cool.

Like, control, delete. Let's do it. I actually started mainlining Twinkies. Well, I'm off. New Year's. Great. So that's where we're at. So the other day, I was hanging out with my buddy, Dr. Conway, J'm off. New Year's. Great. So that's where we're at. So the other day,

I was hanging out with my buddy, Dr. Conway, JP Conway. The dude, he's brilliant. He's not as smart as his wife, Dr. Conway. She's way smarter, but he's pretty smart. And man, we were talking about resolutions and New Year's, what this looks like. And he gave me a framework that I've never heard of before. It's not complicated or savantish or anything, but it's what I'm using this year. And so I'll pass along my news resolution framework, and then I'll give you a little bit of idea of what I'm doing. So here's the framework. Identity, who are you? Body and mind, money, time, time talent that's it identity body and mind money time and talent and so i start with identity i love how james clear talks about this and um it's it's proven in my life to be profound when i'm trying to change behaviors i'm trying to change habits

i'm trying to change the way I look at the world. I start with identity instead of starting with goals. Start with, dude, who am I? Who are you? And so here's the question I want you to answer for 2022 coming up. Who are you going to be in 2022? Who are you?

Who are you going to be? Here's what I wrote. I'm a funny, joyful guy. I'm peaceful and patient. Those are four things this past couple of years I've let slide. Like, man, I used to just be a fun guy to be around. And now I'm all like drama and serious and let's listen to old metal. Man, I need to cheer up.

The world sucks. I want to cheer up. We need more joy and more smiling. Does that mean I'm going to become a naive idiot? No. But that means if I've got a chance to tell a joke, I'm going to tell it. That means if I can be a little more patient with somebody who's working really hard on my behalf, I'm going to be more patient. That means I want people who are in my presence to leave a little more peaceful than when they got there. And that starts with me being a person of joy.

I have adventures. I say yes. And we've gotten back into that this year. But, man, that's all about the adventures. What's the craziest thing we could do right now? Do you want to fight, Jim? Yep. Want to go on a crazy hunting trip?

Yep. Want to go do it? Yep. And then I just got old, put on a tie, started going to work every day. Like, and I'm all about working hard. Yeah, but man, I'm about the adventure. I'm going to, I'm going to be willing to lose a couple hours of sleep for a great story. I'm going to be willing to, like we talked about a couple of shows ago, shoot a deer a mile into the woods and figure out later how to get it out.

Right. I want to be about the adventure. I'm invested. I am an invested and world-class husband and father. I want to be good at being a dad. I want to be good at being a husband. And that's going to frame some of my activities. I'm a hospitable neighbor.

Man, I was on the road a lot this year. I want to be better about knowing my neighbors. I want to be better about when they think, hey, I need some help with, I can call that guy. Just being a guy in my community that people can think, I trust that guy. Let's give him a shout. He'll show up. And then people are less anxious after being in my presence. That goes back to the top one, but I want to be, I've just been around some folks. I've been around Ernie Alling. I've been around some folks. You're in their presence and your heart rate drops. And I want to be that for folks. I think that's what the world needs right now is a little less third rail. Body and mind, I'm going to do

one hard thing a day. That's pretty normal for me, whether it's like, man, chipping the ice out of the cold tub yesterday. Ooh, man, that was cold. Taking cold showers. I worked out outside today. It was freezing. I quit it. I worked out outside today. It was freezing. I quit it. I would do one hard thing a day. There is some days that I skipped that. I'm not going to do that this year. Exercise, workout, movement every day.

I downloaded an app, 365 days. I'm not going to skip a day of moving my body. I'm not going to have my goal for a day be to do nothing. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to go insane every workout. It doesn't mean I'm not going to have days where I don't devote some time to some maintenance and taking care of myself. But I'm going to every day I move my body. Every day I'm going to exercise, work out. I'm going to do something towards continuing to honor my body. This year, I think I'm gonna hit right at 50 books read for the year, which is good, it's fine, it's good.

But I wrote a big book and that took a ton of time. Writing a book's hard. And I'm excited the book comes out this year. I'm super jazzed about it. But this year, I'm gonna move them up to 75 books. I'm not gonna have a book to write. I'm gonna be traveling a lot, speaking and being on the road with this new book and coming out to y'all's towns. And so I'm not gonna have a book to write. I'm gonna be traveling a lot, speaking and being on the road with this new book and coming out to y'all's towns.

And so I'm excited for that. But 75 books this year, it's for my mind. Much, man, I got sucked into an office vortex this year. Man, I've watched more TV in the last seven months than I have probably in the last three years. Man, I'm done with that. Done with that. I'm gonna get back out.

I do love The Office. It's a show that just, it's like a Xanax for me, but I'm out. More games. I got some guitars that I'm working on fixing. I'm going to hunt a little bit more and we are making a garden that's about the size of a small planet

on our place. And so I'm looking forward to that. Money. I've got a really audacious salary goal for this year. An obnoxious one. I'm going to have to work really hard. And what I'm going to do is I put that number down and then I'm going to reverse engineer it. Here's how much I got to make each month, how much I got to make each week. And then we're

going to reverse engineer. We're going to fill those gaps in that way. I'm going to try to pay off my house this year. It's going to be hard, hard, hard. That's a stretch goal, but we'll figure it out. I've got a giving amount that's going to be obnoxious, an obnoxious giving amount. And we're going to save. And then I fell off this year just with the homeschooling and the back in school. Man, it got to where doing budgets with my wife was just our quiet time and going over calendars and budgets. And I got to bring my kids back into that. They need to see that struggle. They need to see how much things cost. They need to see their role as an important part of our home. And I'm not going to give them all the details, cost. They need to see their role as an important part of our home.

And I'm not going to give them all the details, but they do need to know how the world works. And that starts with them, us, me and my wife modeling, budgeting. And then time, dude, I just waste a lot of time. I got to slow down. I've got to be present. I just got to stop wasting time. So I'm going to do a time audit over the next couple of days and really dial it in. I think I know I can get an hour or two back each day. And I'm looking forward to that. And then talents.

What are the things I'm good at that I... Man, James, playing music this year, I needed that. That was good for me. You play every week, huh? You play for your church? Not quite every week, but every couple of weeks. See, I just don't. I need to start playing.

And I want to be better at speaking. And obviously the book's coming out this year. And then I'm doing some stuff with my local community, with the police officers here in town, and getting back and doing some crisis stuff, the right crisis calls. That gives me life and it's something I'm good at. So there's some personal things in there

and some more specific data points in there for this year. But going back to identity, body and mind, money, time, and talents. That's the framework I'm using this year from Dr. Conway. I recommend you use that framework. Give yourself some sort of framework. And then here's the magic. Tell somebody, sit down and read this out loud, grab a couple of guys, bring them over. Y'all grab some beers and y'all say, here's what I'm committing to this year. Here's what y'all are committing to. If you want to be gangster, put 500 bucks in a pot. I'm going to run this marathon. I'm going to save this much money. I'm going to earn this much money. I'm going to exercise every day. And if I don't, this pot goes to the charity of your choice.

The charity I hate the most in the world, whatever, like put something in there, right? And I've seen guys like you're gonna start a workout program. They take pictures of each other and they quit working out. Then they're going to post the other guy's picture, whatever the thing is for you. Bring some women over to your house. Y'all all hang out and say, Hey, let's be vulnerable. Here's what I'm going to work on. Here's what I'm going to work on being a mom this year. I'm going to work on being a wife this year. I'm going to work on being a girlfriend this year. Whatever that looks like for you. And then by the end of the year, we're going to reverse engineer that.

So I want two finished guitars at the end of this year. That means I got to build that in my calendar. I want to actually take my family on a vacation. I'm just going to work it in. I want this hunting trip. I'm going to work that in. And then we're going to have an incredible intentional year. The magic here is identity and intentionality. We just think our problems are just going to go away. If we just ignore them, they'll stop. If we just quit talking about it in our marriage, it'll just fix itself. We want better sex.

It'll just happen. It'll just happen. I want to talk to my kids better. They're just in our marriage. It'll just fix itself. We want better sex. It'll just happen. It'll just happen. I want to talk to my kids better. They're just in a phase. They'll grow out of it. I want to make more money. My boss will just one day be like, you know what? 40% raise for you. They don't just go away. It's about identity and about intentionality. And I'm with you. I'm going first. I want you to join us. So if you're a real baller, I want you to write down your New Year's resolutions,

mail them to me. And we will put the physical address here in the show notes. And over the course of the year, I'm gonna reach out to you and see how you're doing on them. This is the ultimate bluff call, 2022 bluff call.

The world needs you to step up. The world needs you to lean in here. Let's get it done. Alright, as we wrap up today's show, it's off the Dr. Feel Good album. I love that record. James, can we be honest? Playing the crew was fun, huh?

That was probably the most fun song to play, yeah. Song champs. Did we even get to play that? We didn't even play it, no, because we didn't make the finals. Because we weren't that good. Well, you got to bring that up here on this show about change. The song is called Time for Change. And it goes like, by the crew, and it goes like this.

I heard some kids telling me how they've lost all the faith in the way. They've been talking world peace and the wars in the streets the lines on their faces so deep a revolution or reach out and touch the day we're overdue child change now it's time for change nothing stays the same I feel the future in the hands of our youth. No more lies. Old, tired fools tell our future with tarot cards and live crime. The lines on their faces so deep. A revolution. A reach out and touch the day. We're overdue. It's time for change. Nothing stays the same. It's time for change. Let's all change together. Identity, intentionality. Let's do this. I'm going first. I hope you're with me. We'll see you soon

On the Dr. John Deloney Show