The Dr. John Delony Show - My Marriage Doesn’t Look Like I Thought It Would

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman choosing to stay in a bad marriage - A man unable to make important decisions because of crippling anxiety - A woman deeply hurt by her best friend Lyrics of the Day: Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do you mourn the loss of your marriage while staying in it? You've created a world that you can't win in. I'm at my breaking point in this marriage. I think you've lived scared to death for so long. Has he hurt you? Do you think your husband's going to kill you? What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday. Regular crowd shuffles in. I'm so glad you're with us. It's not Saturday, but I am glad that you're with us We're talking mental health Emotional health Marriage We're talking everything going on in your life Parenting Kids Whatever

If you want to be on this show My promise is I'm going to sit with you And this is a show about real people Going through real stuff I'll sit with you And we will figure out what to do next Go to johndeloney.com Slash ask

A-S-K, or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message. Jenna will listen to it. She'll probably delete it. Kelly will get it out of the deleted files. She will read it and then pass it to Joe, who will make a final decision.

Is that how that goes? Not in any way. Not even a little bit? Nope. Not really even close. I read them first, then they go to Jenna. No offense to Joe, but he doesn't really have much to do with that process.

I can see that. Darn. Darn. That's the most words I've heard Joe say in the last calendar year. Oh, man. Darn That's the most words I've heard Joe say In the last calendar year Oh man And hey don't forget

Save your holidays Questions for humans at JohnDeloney.com Pick up the decks All of them All of them Alright let's go to H-Town Where there's still morning Go Rangers

What should be a World Series victory Alright let's go to Ashley What's up Ashley Hi Dr. John Maloney Thank you for having me on your show You got it Ashley What's up So my question is

How do you mourn the loss of your marriage While staying in it So basically we're together And we're raising a family, but we're not together. Why? Like we're not seeing other people, but we're not. Do you want to be? Of course.

Does the person you're married to want to be? Um, if he does, he doesn't show like. Talk into the phone for me, talking to the phone, his words and his actions. Don't say that. Um, uh, begged for counseling. I've begged for, I mean, we can do anything. I, a book, a podcast, uh, whatever he wants to come up with, um, to try to like rekindle but i mean ultimately like

everything i'm trying is being met with nothing nothingness on his end and i'm to the point that it's like i just need to get over him but i'm going to be with him for a long time that it's like, I just need to get over him, but I'm going to be with him for a long time. So it's hard to get over somebody you see every day. Why have you done that to yourself? Why are you choosing this path forward? Because I have no idea what else to do. I wanted to see a therapist, but it's not financially in the books,

nor do I have childcare for that. I stay home with the babies. My husband works. Yeah, I don't, I'm going to say this, and it's going to sound harsh, but I don't believe that. I believe you stay at home.

I believe that you could figure out a way to get to a counselor. In fact, I'm going to take that excuse from you. I'm going to give you three months of free BetterHelp counseling every week that you can do at your home. How do you do it with kids? Because I'm the primary parent. How old are your kids?

One and three. Do they not take naps? They're napping right now, but they haven't figured out how to get them to nap where I get more than like 30 minutes. Okay. That's like, I guess, alone time. Do you have a friend with a 10-year-old who could come over and play? Oh. Why don't you?

I'm a pretty antisocial person, which I am social. I take my kids to do things, but I haven't really met people, I guess. And my only, like, I guess, friend that I talk to has a newborn and a one-year-old or a two-year-old now. Okay. And my parents help out when they can, but. You've created a world that you can't win in. And you've created a world that, where you are this sole victim inside of this trapped house,

and I don't buy it. I think you could do different things. Why are you thinking so little of yourself? I don't know. I guess it's just a habit I've gotten into. Please don't. You're worth more than this. Everything you're involved with is worth more than this

your original question you don't mourn a marriage and just like your your your mourning is something that happens when something dies are you telling me that right now this early in your marriage, you're choosing death. I mean, I thought super early. We're 13 years in, but I feel like I have to choose it. I feel like if I, I mean, I think I need it. If he's not interested, like, what am I supposed to do? Love myself only and pretend like it's him that loves me? No. Behavior is a language.

He has left you. He's just too much of a coward to say it out loud. Well, sometimes you need to hear it. He has stopped being married to you. Or I'll even say it this way. He is cheating on you with silence. Yeah, like a thousand percent. Like, we're fine with all the big stuff, I guess, in life.

Like, working through finances and, I guess, the normal stuff people fight about. Those aren't the big things. The big things are, do you love me? The big things are, I'm watching my wife drown and I don't know how to help. Yeah, and I've used those words, especially at night when I'm at my wit's end and I'm also pregnant and due with our third at the beginning of the year and I'm like sometimes I just need a minute and I'll tell him that and he doesn't get it or he doesn't care is the way I perceive it and like how am I supposed to see somebody to help me figure out me when I mean even showers are hard at this point. Of course.

So what you're, like, just so I'm clear, when your husband comes home and you have a three-year-old and a one-year-old and you're very, very pregnant. And you start and you say, how was your day? And he said, fine, how was yours? And you say, it was good.? And he said, fine, how was yours? And you say, it was good. Um, I need 30 minutes by myself. I need you to watch the little ones for 30 minutes. I got a shower. I haven't showered.

I haven't gone to the bathroom yet today. And he goes, I'm not doing that. No, he says, of course you do. And acts like annoyed. And it's not that he's annoyed to play with the kids because

he's super great with the kids like comes home and plays with them and um but my youngest right now has become my velcro baby and so she cries and instead of him trying to like divert her attention to something outside or do something else and he just gets frustrated because she's going through whatever she's going through right now. And then I feel guilty and I'm like, well then just forget it because I don't want to put her through that. Sweetheart. I mean,

one year olds want their moms and they cry sometimes. And when dads are frustrated, intense, kids feel the tension and the frustration and they cry more but if every time your kid cries and doesn't learn how to be close to dad

and dad doesn't learn how to get some little wins with this one year old and you feel guilty and come rescue him and rescue her, you can't then turn around and play the martyr. So I just let her be in that kind of... Yes.

And then say offline, hey, here's two or three or four things that really help when she's crying like that. I see you trying hard, and I know it's hard when that baby just won't stop crying, and when she's just stuck to me like glue. I get that. It's hard.

Try these couple of things. What he usually does is let her scream at the bathroom door. And it's like hard for me to take a shower, or if she's just screaming at me at the baby gate while I'm trying to cook dinner or I can't have her with me because it's dangerous or something and he won't come help I mean he'll say he'll call her name and tell her to come back to him but he doesn't actually like physically get her and distract her, which I feel like is what I do. So I feel like that's what's best because of that age, but maybe that's not what's best. Maybe let them just

try it out at the gate. Not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that it sounds like a dad who's either A, a terrible human being, an absolute lazy, no good husband slash father who is so lazy he won't even get up and pick up his one-year-old who's screaming her brains out while mom's cooking dinner or mom's trying to go to the bathroom. That's either that or he's a dad without any tools in his toolkit.

No, he's a horrible husband. He's an amazing father. I mean mean he lets me cry or whatever but it's like not like it's just a different parenting style than i have i guess why haven't why haven't y'all talked about that i mean what do you i guess i don't know what what do you say in my house my wife was super helpful because i never babysat i had never changed a diaper before i didn't know what i was doing oh no i give him all the tips like i'll even say hey will you take them out and swing them so i can get X, Y, Z done. And what does he say? Like he doesn't feel like it. Or he, I feel like it's more like a control thing

where he doesn't want to take my tips because he feels like I'm controlling the situation and he wants to watch the kids how he wants to watch the kids. And that's, maybe it's the way I come across, maybe it's the verbiage I use, but it's not my intention. I just want my kids not to cry the kids. And that's, maybe it's the way I come across. Maybe it's the verbiage I

use, but it's not my intention. I just want my kids not to cry at me. So, and I'm trying to get somewhere offline and the kids are finally asleep and you crash on the couch and he crashes and you've turned and looked at him and said, Hey, we're not okay. Yeah. He says, hold on, be be quiet i'm trying to watch tv no he gets frustrated or like half the time he'll just fall asleep mid conversation i tell him like i'm like i'm at my breaking point in this marriage. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing this all on my own. I mean, he doesn't really, a lot of times he doesn't respond. He just like will stare at me.

I'm not doing this with you today or whatever. That's it. I feel like he just walks up super tight and doesn't want to talk about anything. Well, here's the deal. He's not here. I'm a talker, so I don't know how to get through any of it without talking and figuring it out.

That's good, but he's not here. So I'll ask you, why haven't you packed up and gone to your parents' house? If you have kids that are screaming and a husband that won't help, that won't listen, that looks at you and says, I'm not even, I'm even going to honor you with a response. I'm just going to fall asleep while you're talking. I'm not even going to listen to your helpful tips, even though you're with the kids all day and I'm clearly struggling. Why haven't you to listen to your helpful tips, even though you're with the kids all day and I'm clearly struggling.

Why haven't you just gone to your parents? Why are you choosing to model this for your kids? This is, this kids is what love looks like. Because there's a whole nother aspect to the story that your call probably doesn't support, but basically he can be very vindictive and mean, and I don't want my kids taken from me. Why would your kids get taken from you?

Because he has a violent history. They wouldn't take them from you. They would take them from him. Has he hurt you? In the past. Why are you still there? Because I do love him and I don't want to be, I don't know. Ashley, you're not safe. You're not safe. Those kids aren't safe. Are you involved in something that if came to light, they would take your kids away from you? Are you struggling with addiction? No.

Then why would anybody? You what? I don't have any. I don't have any of those things, vices, if you will. Okay. They usually don't take. In fact, they never take. But if I'm not alive,

because he chose to get rid of me, then where are my babies going to go? Do you think your husband's going to kill you? I don't put myself in that situation anymore. Let me be super clear with you. Let me be super clear with you. I'm about to call the local police in your area. You can't call this show and tell me that you're scared for your life

and have me just do nothing. I'm not. I'm only scared. First of all, I love him and I want to be with I love him, and I want it to be with him. Okay, he doesn't want to be with you. I just want him to love me back. Ashley, he doesn't want to be with you. Right?

So my only option is to leave? I'm asking you. You're telling me he won't talk to you? He won't listen to you? He won't engage with you? You're scared for your life? Well, you're drowning. You're dying.

You called me on how to mourn something. How to be dead. I guess I was just hoping there was a happy ending somewhere. If I could just find a way to be at peace with the cards I was dealt. No. The cards I chose. Because those cards aren't static. You can hand those cards back to the dealer and get another set.

But you can't. You absolutely can't. No, you can get back out there and raise your kids all alone and do that. Potentially. But you're not going to find like, I don't

feel like you can find anybody decent this day and age. I think that's 1000% incorrect. It's not even close to reality. And I know that because I talk to them every single day. Every day. Here's what I think. I think you've lived scared to death for so long. I think you're so exhausted.

I think you've got another baby on the way. And that terrifies you. And as you said at the beginning of the call, you like to socially isolate. And your body is screaming at you that you're not safe and you're all by yourself. And when that happens, sometimes the whole world gets real dim. And so if you call me, my hope that you call is because you trust me.

And I'm telling you, there is hope and there is light and there are people that will help, but you have to be willing to take their help. And you have to be willing to say, I'm tired of living like this and I want to do something different. When you're safe, then you grieve. I didn't want my marriage to look like this.

I didn't want to be with a guy that was unsafe. I didn't want my kids to grow up like this. I didn't want to be a look like this I didn't want to be with a guy that was unsafe I didn't want my kids to grow up like this I didn't want to be a single mom with three little ones I didn't want to have to go to a bunch of counseling And try to fix this thing I don't even mind all that I just wanted him to love me back I know I know

Here's the deal Here's what we're gonna do a couple things number one jenna's gonna ask you very specifically offline if you're safe if there are any threats on your life if there are we're calling the police period end of discussion number two we're gonna get you some free counseling with our friends at BetterHelp. And you might have to call somebody over to your house for 30 minutes to watch your kid. Let somebody love you.

You have to hear me say the greatest gift you can give your kids right now is that their mom is safe and whole. And that means the greatest gift is not letting them, you know, racing in there every time X, Y, or Z happens. It's making sure you talk to a professional therapist right now. It's making sure the police are involved if you're not safe or if this person is violent. It's reaching out to your mom and dad. No, you didn't want that, but here we are. The third thing is you got to go sit with your mom and with your dad if they're safe and say, I need some help. And it might be asking him to leave. And if that's not safe or smart, then you pack up and say, I got to be out here

for 30 days where we figure out what's next. And if he, then you pack up and say, I got to be out here for 30 days but we figure out what's next. And if he calls and flips out and you say, I've tried to tell you that I'm not safe in this marriage, that I'm not okay in this marriage and if we're going to be back together, we got to build something new. But you don't just cash out

that quiet life of desperation. This is just the way this is. Because people do change, especially when they get new tools. The sun come up. And if worse comes to worse, there are some amazing people out in the world. In this quote unquote day and age. There's a lot going on here and you need to get to a professional ASAP. Please, please, please make that call today.

Taking away all the barriers for you. I want you to make that call. Hang on the line and Jenna's going to pick up. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live

an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.

All right, let's go out to Chattanooga and talk to Ethan. What's up, Ethan? Hey, Dr. Deloney. Thanks so much. Of course, man. What's up? So I'm a school teacher, and my wife and I have been following the baby steps since the beginning of this last summer. My wife and I have been working really, really hard, trying to push, trying to find extra ways to gain income. And we're able to put about $2,000 a month towards our debt. And we've got about $25,000 left in our debt. Awesome. Hey, real quick, real quick, Ethan, let me tell everybody.

So if you're listening to this and you don't know what he's talking about with Baby Steps, my friend Dave Ramsey has a program called Financial Peace University where he has been helping people get out of debt. Millions and millions and millions of people get out of debt for three decades now, for 30 years plus. And so, Ethan, you and your wife are working to get out of debt, right, to become free, financially free. And y'all are working that program, and y'all figured out a way on a teacher's salary and whatever your wife does to have an extra $2,000 a month. Y'all aren't going to restaurants.

Y'all aren't going out on fancy dates. You're not going on vacations. You're just trying to pay all this stuff off, right? Yes, sir. That is correct. Pretty amazing. That's awesome. Okay. Well, thank you. Well, my grandmother, who's been like a mother figure to me my entire life, I come, unfortunately, from kind of a dysfunctional family background, has offered to let us come away with her temporarily to help get us out of debt. She wants us to be able to double the amount of money we can throw each month at our debt. And I have been struggling really, really hard. My wife is 100% supportive. She is entirely behind me and behind the idea of us moving. She loves

my grandmother to death. But I am struggling greatly with anxiety in regards to this. And I'm extremely bothered by it because this is my grandmother, the closest person that I am to other than my wife. And I'm not sure where it's stemming from. I am very afraid to move out of my home. We rent a house. It's not even ours, but I've lived there for the last three and a half years. My wife and I, when we got married nearly two years ago, she moved into the house with me. And just since I've moved out of my mother's nine or 10 years ago, I've finally had a stable life and been on my own. And I'm just extremely scared to move in with her and just to leave everything. I know everything I'm comfortable with.

And I just was curious to know what you could share. How do I cope with this anxiety and just whether or not it would be a good idea for us in the long run to make the choice to move in with her temporarily to pay off instead? Sure. So whenever somebody tells me they're anxious, my first thought is good, good for you. Your body's working great to protect you from something or from several things. And embedded in your answer, I think, might be one of the solutions. Sounds like you grew up in a chaotic mess. And your grandmother was your lifeline. Fair?

Yes, 100%. And then you got a job. And then you got married.. And then you got married. Then you got your own place. And your body felt and experienced something it has never felt before, which was peace. And then this opportunity shows up. That, I kind of want to be honest. No, I want to be totally honest. Kind of sounds like it's a benefit to you and your wife,

and it's kind of a benefit to your grandmother. And it wouldn't surprise me that the woman who saved you also needed you to be okay because she had some guilt about what her kids had done. And so in the same, on one hand, God, you're so blessed and lucky to have a grandmother that came for you. And you've been a Xanax for her. You made sure she was going to be all right.

Fair? Yes, sir. Okay. Sounds to me like your body's working real, real well. Now, the question you have to decide is, $25,000 left. That means at Christmas 2024, y'all are going to owe nobody anything

if y'all stay on this current trajectory 12 months from now. Yes, sir. One year. How old are you? I'm 28. Okay. When you're 40,

you won't even remember this year. Or you work crazy over the summer and earn another couple thousand bucks doing X, Y, and Z, and you move this thing up to September of next year. That's one thing. You look at your wife and you say, you know what, we're building our own life, our own home. Great.

We're just going to keep knocking it out. And you know what? That path is going to be hard. But y'all have proven to yourselves you can do it. Or sell everything, leave your rent house, move in with grandma, both the good and the bad, and accelerate this debt payoff. When are you going to be done? If you moved in with your grandma? We looked at the debt calculator and it said June. Okay.

So it sounds like it'll knock about three or four months off. Is that about right? Yes, sir. Okay. Is that worth it? I would think so. Just because my wife and I are so ready to move on from this step, we've been, you know, struggling with it. I mean, not as long as others, you know, praise the Lord,

but nonetheless, it's, it does have, it does have a, a strain on our marriage that we're not able to move beyond, uh, this and move into the next move into the next baby step or phase of our life. But make it, I mean, be super clear. It's going to be a strain on your marriage moving with your grandma. Yes. And it's going to be a strain on your marriage if you both decide to start driving Uber

after you get done teaching school and you do that until 10 o'clock and y'all get this thing done by June on your own, which is possible. Yes. I've got to a place in my life where, and I should have said this earlier, it's going to be hard to stay the course in your rent house. It's also going to be hard to move in with your grandma. You got some demons there, right?

I do. Yeah. And that doesn't mean she's not amazing. That doesn't mean she didn't save your life. That doesn't mean any of those things. All that can be true at the same time. But that's going to be hard also. So the path forward is, which hard are you going to choose?

And anytime I'm faced with that, that decision, I want to choose the hard path that is going to give me two things. The most freedom and autonomy and the most strength on the other side. And the way you've lined it out for me, if you guys stay where you are and choose to double down on working even more than you already work, and you decide, I want this thing done by July, July 1, and I see a path forward,

if I earn this much extra money delivering pizzas or doing whatever, working the night shift, working from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. throwing boxes or 6 p.m. to midnight throwing boxes and then I teach the next day. Whatever. On the back end of that, you're free. You don't live with somebody. You don't have to have the hard conversation about, well, it's time to move out. Well, are you sure you got to move out? Because my feet hurt and I really need your help. You don't have to have the hard conversation about, well, it's time to move out. Well, are you sure you got to move out? Because my feet hurt and I really need your help. You avoid all that.

And if you need to take a weekend off from working three jobs or four jobs while you're also teaching, you can, but you can't take a weekend off from grandma's house. So that path is free. And on the back end, you know, you and your wife know, after a lifetime of chaos, a lifetime of trying to figure out how to stand up on your own two feet and stare down some of these demons, you're going to hold her hand and know nothing can knock y'all down.

Yeah, and it's just extremely tough just because I've never been a decisive individual and it's really hard, always been hard for me to choose. Here's what's cool. Hold on, here's what's cool. There is no wrong answer here. There's only two hard paths. That's it.

If you choose, Ethan, you know what? We're staying the course. I'm staying here, honey. I'm going to work like crazy. And by the way, you're going to miss me in the evenings when I'm working the second job. But if I move in with, we move in with grandma, you're going to miss me because I'm going to be up having tea or coffee or whatever with grandma. And you're going to wish that our sex life was better and we were spending time watching TV. You're going to wish that if we lived at grandma's house. Because we're not going to be rocking until the wheels fall off at grandma's house, right? Right.

I just made this podcast weird for everybody I realize that But If you get three months down the road And your body just starts falling apart on you I just can't work until midnight And get up at 6am and go be a teacher all day Which by the way I think you can Then you move with grandma

But you will have blown your whole life apart. You'll have got rid of your home. You'll have got rid of your furniture. You'll got rid of your stuff. And you move in with grandma for three months and realize this isn't working out. It's going to be a much more difficult path to untangle. And by the way, this idea of decisiveness,

it's been uncomfortable for you to stand on two feet. It's my guess, growing up when you made a decision, you got hit in the mouth for it. Or the adults in your life took your decisions and flushed them down the toilet. And so your body has learned over time, don't make a decision because you just complicate things for everybody when you do. The path out of that is a whole bunch of little wins if you can't do a pull-up cool Get on a chair and climb all the way up until you're in pull-up position And just five times a day just slow as you can release yourself down Then get up and do it again and then get up and do it again

What we're going to do is we're going to take a pull-up and we're going to pull it apart into a bunch of little pieces And we're going to do those little pieces until one day I can pull myself up one time And i'm going to scream and cheer that I got one pull-up in Then i'm going to keep going And suddenly after six months a year you could do 10 at a time. You can do 20 at a time without stopping That's how you build strength six months, a year. You could do 10 at a time. You can do 20 at a time without stopping. That's how you build strength. The path out of this anxiousness feeling, the nerd word is exposure. I'm going to slowly head into the storm. So my body says, hey,

you don't make decisions. I'm making this one. And lucky for me, there's not a wrong answer. Hey, hey, hey, you can't work two jobs. I'm going to give it a shot. You watch. You're going to be in debt forever. You watch. I'm cutting this time in half. The calculator says 10 months. Cool. I'm going to do it in six. What has to be true for me and my wife and our work schedules for us to be done in six? I'm going to do it in six. What has to be true for me and my wife and our work schedules for us to be done in six? I'm going to build it that way. And then on the back end, you're going to have taught your body. Now, you can make decisions. You're going to have taught your body.

You can work crazy hours for a short season to accomplish a goal. You're going to have taught your wife. That guy's way stronger than I thought he was. You're going to have taught you that you're way stronger than I thought he was. You're going to have taught you that you're way stronger than you were. Personally, I like that path. There is a season to sell your house and move in with your mom,

move in with your grandma. I get that. But just from this little conversation, my recommendation, if you were my brother or you were my friend, I would say, hey, get gnarly and stay the course and on the back end you'll have freedom and you're going to be stronger than you ever thought imaginable

hang on the line I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life for you and your wife to read start looking at that the whole six daily choices chart y'all start following that thing religiously little steps man you got this holler at me when you pay all your debts off we'll celebrate you we'll be right back all right let's roll out to fresno californ California and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn? Hi, how are you? Good. What's up? Okay.

This is a pretty big one. So my question is, were my expectations too much and was I too insensitive? And I'll give you a backstory. Go for it. On what happened. So I recently got married, um, in September and I had asked my best friend to be, to be my maid of honor, which she said that she would do. So mind you, she worked, she lives in Oregon and we, we've been best friends for seven years. We've lived together. Um, I'm a believer and she's not. And so she moved to

Oregon with her boyfriend and they have a six month old. And it's been really hard for her moving up there. She's been financially strapped. So with that, we offered for her to come down here. We paid for a round trip flight for her to come to attend the wedding, so it would make it a little bit easier on her. So a month before my wedding, she calls and she tells me that she's not going to come to the wedding. And then I found out that she was pregnant unexpectedly with her second child, and she didn't really go more beyond that and why she couldn't, uh, or why did she, she decided not to come. And, um, I just felt like there was more, but she just wasn't telling me. Um, so I kind of distanced myself from her during that time because I was obviously really busy and planning a wedding.

And then just emotionally, it really hurt me. And I did express that to her a little bit. And then I reached out to her after the wedding, telling her more how it really hurt me. And I just needed a little bit of space to like, you know, pray and forgive and move on. And then she comes at me with all of these reasons as to why it was my fault that she didn't come. She was, I mean, she was telling me that she had a miscarriage, which I didn't even, I wasn't even aware about. She was telling me how financially strapped that they were even more, how emotionally she just wasn't capable of leaving her child.

And ultimately, I didn't respond to her right away, which even set her off even more and attacked me even more. And when I did try reaching out to her, she just didn't want to talk to me. And she needs her space. And I don't really know what to think about this situation anymore because I'm not trying to be insensitive because at one point I understand what she was going through, but I don't understand why she wasn't telling me all that stuff if I was her best friend. You might not have been. I'm sorry? You might not have been. I'm sorry? You might not have been.

Might not have been her best friend? Yeah. Well, I mean, we've, I have been there for her for the years that we've been friends, like,

over the top. And she even mentioned in her message that she admitted sometimes our friendship was one sided that I, I was a great friend to her and you're not hearing what I'm saying. Oh, she might've been your best friend, but you might not have been hers. Oh, yeah.

I understand that. Behavior's a language. I say that a lot. And she made it clear that she didn't trust you enough to sit to tell you what she was going through. That's not an indictment on you. I don't even. That's not an indictment on you. I don't even know if that's an indictment on her.

But for whatever reason, she gave you her commitment and then she backed out and she was unable to tell you why. And then behavior is a language. She didn't want to talk to you for a while. And then she lets you have it yeah after you let her have it and then and then and then what i can't figure out is if you're mad that you had this

picture of what this wedding was going to look like and she messed your picture up because she wasn't there or if you're mourning the fact that this friendship is over or maybe both yeah i mean obviously it's not the same with her with her not being there and yeah i did imagine it in one way way but I didn't know all that stuff that was going on so I know but you didn't know cuz she didn't tell you right exactly which was confusing to me it's not confusing it's very easy either you're not the friend she's not the friend that you thought she was. Or she didn't trust you. It's not confusing. It's not overdramatic.

It just is. It sounds very, very painful. If one of my closest friends in the world just called out of the blue and was like, hey, man, this big thing that's happening for you, I can't be there. Why not? I just can't. Dude, talk to me. Why? I'm not going to tell you. That'd be devastating to me. And I would have to make

peace with, he gets to do that. And I'm not in super tight relationships with people who don't trust me. It's cool. Because I work really hard to be trustworthy. So if you don't want to trust me, okay. I'm going to live in that. I'm going to be heartbroken for a while. That happens.

But you're giving her a lot of power over your life. And I mean this in like in the most loving way I can say it, but you're choosing misery right now, which is different than choosing grief, which is different than choosing to move on. You're choosing anger and rage and mad instead of choosing to be heartbroken that your friendship of seven years, almost a decade, it's gone now it's not what it was going to be

yeah that is it's hard to swallow for sure yeah but that energy is much better spent in grief and working through what comes next. You're married now. Y'all are going to have a different kind of life. You live in different states. You're going to have to do the hard work of making friends in your local community, your local area. Rebuilding trust with people that you love there or building it for the first time. That's where I's been my energy. Because here's the deal.

Doesn't matter what I think about if you were over the top about your wedding. It's what you wanted. And you asked your friend and she said, I'm in. And then she backed out and didn't tell you why. That hurts real. Yeah, it does. But if I'm you,

I'm not going to go back another time. I'm just not. Yeah. Because you think it's going to feel good when you finally get those final words in it. I'm telling you right now, it's going to be a hollow victory. It won't feel great.

Yeah, that's what my husband's been telling me. It's the worst when he's right, isn't it? Yeah. I'm like, what about this? He's like, nope. He's like, it's not going to end that way. You're not going to feel any better. You will not. Because you already tried to get your mic drop moment. After the wedding was already over, you called and you told her what's up. And then she was like, hold my beer. I'll mic drop you.

And then you were like, hold on. Hold both my beers and this shot. I'm going to mic drop your mic. What are we doing? What are we doing? Yeah. Yeah. She told you.

I had this. I had this. I had this. this i had this and oh my gosh you didn't respond on my schedule behavior is a language she's telling you she does not want to have the kind of friendship that you want or need which sucks after all the, it does all the years that I've does poured into it. I know, but she's not a 401k. You don't be nice to somebody so that one day they're nice back to you. Oh,

of course not. Yeah, of course not. But that's what you did. And you're mad that your investment didn't pay off. Instead of being heartbroken that, um, you may have misread this relationship for a long time.

Or that you look up and you realize, oh, this was super one-sided. She even called it out. I was kind of a sucker. Or, man, she called out how one-sided this was. I think I was super nice to her all these years because I didn't want to be alone. That's a way harder truth to swallow than, oh yeah, I'll tell you. Right?

Yeah. You got to make peace with what is. Owning, choosing reality. Reality is, absent her calling you and saying, hey, I blew it. I totally screwed up. I had a major loss. I don't like living where we lived.

My relationship with my boyfriend, I thought it was going to be this cool, new, hip, modern way of doing love. We don't need marriage. We're just going to have kids. It's falling apart. I'm broke. I can't breathe. I'm so scared. I miss you And I took you for granted. She doesn't call with that Sounds like you got to make peace with this thing's over and that's gonna hurt But choosing rage and choosing misery is not affecting her day one bit it's just poisoning you

and like the old saying goes you're drinking poison hoping that she gets sick and she's not she's an organ doing her organ things probably making her own granola and whatever they do in oregon and you are just suffering so i'm gonna tell you i would recommend choosing grief choose heartache be sad write a letter that you will never send just get out of your body onto a page write a letter says i'm sorry that this didn't work out i really really, really loved you, poured into you. I miss you. And I had this picture of us going side by side, ride or die. Your relationship, you're our couple friends and it's not going to happen. You're going to miss out and I wish you the best. And then you got to go do the hard work of making new friends in your local area.

And you're worth every minute of it we'll be right back hey what's up deloney here listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point in my my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're going with another Am I the Problem? It's me. Go for it, Kelly. All right. So this lady asked not to be identified, so we won't. Let's call her Jenna.

No. Okay. No? It's not one of those? All right, cool. All right. My brother-in-law grabbed my breasts this summer while I was getting my kids out of the car. See, now you know why I didn't want to call her Jenna. While she was getting her kids? Yeah. Later, he claimed that he didn't remember it because he had been drinking.

His drinking has been an issue and made us uncomfortable in the past, but this is a new level. When I told my husband about what happened, he called him to discuss it, and he apologized to my husband and said he felt terrible. My husband told him that he owes me an apology. He called him to discuss it. My husband. All right. Yeah, we wouldn't be discussing much. My husband told him he owes me an apology, and it's been five months and he still has not apologized. We are expected to spend the holidays with the family

along with our annual beach vacation next summer. I don't want to be around him. Am I the problem for asking my husband and kids to skip out this year if he is present? If he apologizes, should we make a rule slash boundary that he can't drink around us or we will leave? I love him and his family, and my husband has been very supportive and understanding. We don't want to hurt my awesome in-laws either.

Am I the problem? I can't even. Oh, my gosh. There's so many problems here. And I don't think she's any of them. No. 99 problems and she ain't one. She ain't one.

She who does not want to be identified, you are not the problem. Problem number one. Your brother-in-law blew up your family. When he decided to grab your boob while you were getting your kids. He sucks. I don't want to hurt my family. You didn't. He went to grabbing.

He ruined it. That's number one. Number two, your husband sucks. Not just because he called to discuss it God, I hope you were underselling that by a thousand miles He sucks because he hasn't looked at you and said We are never going out with that dude again Period

Period Because if I'm in his presence I may go to jail Because he grabbed your goods While you were trying to get the kids It's not your beach vacation to cancel It's your husband coming to you saying Guess what honey and kids

We're doing different stuff Because my brother sucks And my family's too cowardly to kick him out ta-da i can't believe by the way i can't believe your husband is it i don't that that that apology's coming soon what good is that that's like used toilet paper i don't want it i don't know that that that apology is coming soon what good is that that's like used toilet paper I don't want it I don't want it around me ew plus a guy that sucks that bad is of course he's not gonna apologize and by the way he remembers he remembers all of it. All of it. Oh, he's drinking, dude.

He remembers. I promise you. So, no. Absolutely not. Ever be in that dude's presence again. The fact that you can say, I love him and his family. Ew.

That's where you're the problem. A little bit. But, rock on till the break of dawn, sister. It is new family tradition time for y'all because you got Gropey McGee as a brother-in-law and you've got just like a bag of wet bread for a husband

and all of it makes me go gross. Kelly, am I right? Yes, except the wet bread. I know wet bread, but him, gross. But yeah, the whole thing. Hey, husband to she who does not want to be named. Really?

Really? Grow up. I don't say this very often But be a man Plan your own vacation You're done with grouper Ridiculous Bye