The Dr. John Delony Show - My Mistress Thinks I’m Cheating on Her

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A man whose mistress doesn’t trust him A wife who disagrees with her husband regarding circumcision A father wondering how much input his teenagers should have on an impending family move   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My life's been a little bit of a mess, to be honest. I've divorced twice, and I'm currently living with the lady that I cheated with on my second marriage. And at the end of the day, I know inside that I don't love her. Do you try to heal this and make it work? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Glad that you're here. Glad that you pulled up a seat, and you're going to be with us trying to figure out what's the next right move.

real people with real challenges going on in their lives, big ones, small ones. It's all kind of chaos out there. And so I'm trying to be a voice of calm in the madness and peel back all the insanity and figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to johndeloni.com slash ask and we'll help you figure out what's the next right move. Let's go to Richmond, Virginia. Let's talk to team Edward.

What's up, Edward? Yes, sir. Thank you. having me, John. It's good to talk to you. You too, my man. I appreciate you calling. What's up? Yes, sir. Well, my life's been a little bit of a mess, to be honest. And I can go into details or whatever, but I've divorced twice. And I'm currently living with the lady that I cheated with on my second marriage. I've been with her now for almost two years. and at the end of the day,

I know inside that I don't love her. It's been, it's hard to put into words because I've never talked about this before. Okay. I appreciate you being honest. I feel like my whole life's been a little bit of a struggle with, you know,

alcohol and stuff to cope with. And I've never really formed a relationship like that I should have with the people I've been with. And I don't know at the moment. I don't know whether to end this and spend some time working on myself or is this a place

where you've already destroyed two other people's lives in the past. Do you try to heal this and make it work or move on? Oh, man. It's a pretty loaded question. Yes, sir. Here's a couple of things I'm hearing, okay?

Okay. You tell me, brother, you tell me like, hey, you're off on this one, okay? No, you're fine. Thing number one is feeling in love is a thing I'm never going to base any decisions on. Because that comes and goes. Love is an action. It's a series of things I do and a series of things I receive, right? Correct.

So, you've been with somebody for two years, you don't feel in love right now? that's just kind of part of the deal. That doesn't mean it's over. That's a Hollywood thing. If you don't feel it, then it's over. That's not true. If you know, this, like,

let me answer this way. Okay. No, don't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. That's disrespectful and dishonoring. Okay. Okay.

If I could give you a little backstory on some of this. Yeah. Like, I was in my previous marriage for 14, well, we were together 14 years, but we were only married for like five, I think. But I had been in an unhealthy place when I got into that relationship

and a lot of just drinking and stuff led us together and, you know, spent... We got together, we lived together and all this. Well, during that time, I was trying to work on myself and I found healing through trail running, okay? And I started about seven years ago running, running, running, and it seemed to clear my mind, and it seemed like I was able to step away from some of the addictions and stuff that I had. And, you know, towards the end of there, even for two

years, almost two years, I actually was over to even go completely sober, no alcohol, no nothing. So the problem I found was that my partner that I was with at the time was unhealthy and not really into any of that stuff. And we grew apart because I didn't try to focus on bringing her. I didn't focus on her. I focused on me, you know? And even though I was finding that healing, our relationship was falling apart. And I had so-called friends that were telling me, hey, man, you know, look at all you've done for yourself.

And, you know, your wife ain't a part of that. You know, you deserve better. You deserve this. You deserve that. And I let it get in my head. and met someone, you know, caught my eye, I caught their eye, and cheated, turned around, left my wife, divorced her, moved this lady in with me. And now, you know, it's like, I don't know, it's like everything's changed. It's like I barely run or anything anymore now because she's afraid that I will leave her because that's why I left the first time was because I was because I left the first time was because I don't know.

I was out hanging out with other people and stuff. And it's like the one thing in my life that had kept me somewhat better was somewhat took away from me now. And I find myself going right back to the old habits of, well, I just go home and have a beer. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I don't think that's why you quit running. Okay.

I think you quit running because you don't respect yourself anymore. You're right about that. And the only guys I've ever seen get sober. and find alternative outlets for inner demons, for lack of better terms, have high, they come to a place where they decide I'm worth living a different life. Right. And in the process of you realizing I deserve to live a different life, you forgot the for what? The reason I work out a lot, the reason I try to keep myself in. reasonable shape is so that my wife can anchor in my kids can anchor in my

coworkers can anchor in right yes and not so that I can whatever so you over time man you found a great outlet you started getting well and instead of getting well so that you could be more present be more stable be more supportive whatever in sickness and in hell. Yeah, like you said, you let those voices of your idiot friends get in your head and you became somebody. You did things that you as a man don't respect. And it's hard to look yourself in the mirror.

It's hard to put those shoes back on and go running for a guy that you don't think's worth it. Yeah. And let's be honest, alcohol takes that away. Yep. And so the choice you have in front of you right now is not about her. It's about will you, forgive the man who screwed up, who blew his life up and somebody else's life up, and will you choose to take the actions to become a man that you respect again,

so that you can be a net positive to those in your home and your community and in the world around you. But that starts with you looking in the mirror and saying, I'm worth, I'm worth the fight. Because you know how hard it's going to be to get back into shape. You know it's going to, how hard it is to ache and paint, all that kind of stuff. Just makes it go away for a minute. Yeah, it does. Nope. I'm telling you right now,

if you were my friend, I would have showed up at your door and said, don't do what you're about to do. Right. Okay? And I'm going to tell you, it's over. You've done it. I would show up to your house now and tell you, hey, put your shoes back on.

You're worth running for again. Right. Right. Yeah. How do I put on my shoes and go run again when the person I'm with is like basically if if if you do it without me, then you're probably out here cheating on me kind of attitude. Well, she has a lived experience. Yes. And that's true.

She's not crazy. And so the question for you is, I need you to put a path back to trust. Okay. Because we met through an affair. Yep. and if she says, I will never be able to trust you if you're gone on these long marathon runs

with this other community, then you have a choice to make. Am I going to walk this path and find other outlets? I know that I found one that I didn't see coming and that was trail running of all things. I'm going to go find another one

because she's worth that. Right? We are worth that. Or I'm going to go ahead and call it because trail running is my one thing. Right. And then you have to be a grown man and own that decision. I understand. But it's asking her, because normally what happens is when people get together in,

that were like an affair and then they get together, the statistics, the data of the staying together is very, very low percentage. Oh, I'm right. Right. Yeah. And so the only way to make it work is to have an ironclad path towards trust. Because we both started in a lie. And so that just like all relationships, the core foundation, the reason I always tell people you've got to see them and know them and celebrate them, those are things to do to build trust. Right.

And so sitting down and ask otherwise what happens is most of the time that that finish line just moves all the time. Okay. And you can never, she'll never trust you. Okay. There's nothing you, there's not a thing you can do, right, without a plan. You get what I'm saying with that intentionality. I do. Yes.

My guess is she's, it has slowly moved. moved and moved and moved. Is that fair? Yes, yes, it is. Okay, another thing I'll tell you is people often say, I don't trust you,

I don't trust you. That's often the only words that people have for the gap they feel when there's distance even though people are standing right next to each other.

Okay. What I mean by that is y'all can be sitting on the couch and she knows you're not into her. Okay. And the only assumption is

he must have somebody else. Right. Right. Yep. It might be you with your own demons. It might be when you drink alcohol, your body just vortexes away from you, right? And that's why it feels good to drink. But she's sitting right next to you on the couch and she's grasping at ghosts.

She feels you, but you're not there. Yep. And the only logical thing she has in her head is always cheating again. Yeah. If I just pick up my phone for a second, she's like, who are you texting? Right. Stuff like that. But that tells me that she does.

have you. She has a shell of you. That's probably true. Yes, sir. That's probably true. I feel like I've never worked on myself to a degree, and I've always just... I don't think that... No, it's not that. I don't think you've ever gone all in. Well, that's a good way to put it. Yeah. You have to put both feet in the boat, and she's not going to go out to heart, she's not going to leave the bay and go out into the wild ocean. That's why she's still got the whole thing anchored to the dock, because you're not all the way in the boat yet. Okay. And you got to decide, I'm going to put both feet in this thing and look at her and say, you know what, you might be able to hurt me. And then she's got to say, yeah, and you, I know for a fact you have the capacity to hurt people

badly. And so you might hurt me. And we both have to decide, we're going to put both feet in this boat and come up with a really intentional plan so that we know without a shadow of a doubt that we're both in the boat at all times. Okay. And I personally don't think it means you have to give up running. Sure. It sounds symptomatic to me. Okay. It sounds like she is grasping for things to try to reconnect with you.

Okay. That makes sense. It really does. I got to work on myself. I don't think that's where we start. I think we start with you look into the mirror and say I'm worth the work. And the work number one is. Yeah.

Am I going to put both feet in the boat of this relationship or I'm out? You get to decide. And then, yes, you've got work on yourself to do, right? Getting back in shape, getting sober, get with an AA group. You've got to get a group of men around you that will hold you accountable. All that kind of stuff is true. You've been on that road before, you know it. And in fact, you might not have been with an accountability group.

And if you haven't, you've been white knuckling to this whole thing, trail running in a way is literally running away from that problem. At some point, you're going to have to face the music and be emotionally vulnerable with a group of people. That's why I'm such a huge fan of it. I know some people don't like it, but that's why I'm such a huge fan of group programs like that. And you look at her and say, I haven't never been fully in this boat. And I'm getting both feet in the boat. And here's what I need from you to earn trust.

And I'm going to ask you to give me a path to trust for you. And if it's about your phone, cool. You can see it. I don't care. If it's about whatever, cool. But we're going to make that path or we're going to go our separate ways. But hear me say this, brother. Yeah, you messed up big.

You messed up big. And there's a period at the end of that sentence. and now you get to choose right now who you're going to be and what you're going to do next. And that starts with you look in the mirror and say, I'm worth the work. I'm worth what happens next.

And I for one believe that you are. Thanks for the call, homie. Call anytime and I'll sit with you. This is literally what I mean when I say go do the next right thing. We come back. A woman asks me to settle a debate between her and her husband

over infant circumvent. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? It's Deloney. So we're in the middle of Lent right now, and whether you grew up with that tradition or you're just trying to get your head and your heart back on straight this season, there's something I want you to check out. It's called Hallow. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and it's honestly become one of the most important things I do to start my day. Anchoring my day in prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters to me before the world swallows me up.

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Hi. So I guess my question is my husband and I want to have more kids. And we find ourselves on opposite sides of something that feels like a deeply held value to both of us. And so we're wondering, or I'm wondering, if there's some perspective you can help me that maybe I haven't been able to look at myself or how we can resolve us between us and move forward together. Yeah, it sounds like it's distressing. Yes. Wow. Okay. So do you all have kids already?

Yes. How old are your kids now? They're two and four. Two and four. Okay. Both girls. Okay. And what we're disagreeing on is routine infant circumcision.

Okay. And so trying to plan to have more kids, which we both want, we both came from big families. I don't know You know, there's no compromise There's no middle ground on this issue So we either do it or we don't There's no Someone gives a little bit

Another person gives a little bit And we find a happy middle ground So let me back out again So you're talking about If we have a third kid If we roll the dice again And we have a little boy one of you wants to circumcise this little boy and one of you does not, right?

Correct. Where was this argument or this deep-seated challenge with child one and child two? Well, with child one, it wasn't something we had talked about ahead of time. Like, I go back and think, like, nobody, when you're dating someone thinking about getting married. Yeah, no kidding. asking each other we can circumcise our kids. Yeah, that's not in the checklist. Yeah, so when we came home from an apartment with the midwife at, like, I don't know,

it was like maybe 25-ish weeks of pregnancy somewhere on there was when the midwife asked what our plans were for. If our child was a boy, and that's when we realized that we actually disagreed on this. I think maybe we both knew, but we hadn't had a discussion about it before then. And so the remainder of the pregnancy was pretty hard because we knew we were on opposite side of this issue. But once our daughter was born, we didn't have to, you know, face it with her anymore. And then with our second, let's see, our first girl was just over a year old when we decided that, you know, we were both feeling ready for another. and you kind of let that big question go in the excitement of, yeah, let's have another baby.

And then once I was pregnant, I didn't sleep. So stressed the whole time. Where are you on the side of the issue? I'm completely opposed to circumcision. Okay, you're opposed to it, and he is adamant about it. Yes. Okay. So tell me about your...

I don't want to take it away from this main issue, and we'll get back to this main issue, okay? Okay. But being pregnant with kid number two, and let me ask it this way, and the most direct way I can. If we were had a couple hours together, I would get more information here,

and we'd just talk a little more gently, so I'm going to be pretty abrupt, okay? Is there a possibility that the angst of the world, the angst of your life, the angst within your chest, the angst of any number of things, has somehow landed on this particular issue as,

I always called, anxiety for me always felt like a flywheel and it would pick up a thing. Stock market, my wife, health and safety, any number of things, and it would just spin out of control until I thought I quote unquote

solved that particular issue and then it would just pick up something else. No, I don't think this is a compilation of other things. I think this is an issue, and we do not see eye on it. Okay. So tell me about your, I mean, this is so deep for you. I mean, it's bringing up tears. The thought of it is bringing tears.

I mean, it's bringing up deep emotions. Tell me about where that comes from. Yeah, I mean, well, because I come from a big family. husband does as well. We both saw a big family for ourselves as what we wanted. So this was the idea of giving up having more kids and being done. I know that's not what I'm asking. The fact that you would not see through your dream of having a big family that strangely enough is shared with your husband. The fact that you would give all of that up over this issue. Oh, yeah, because I think, I think circumcism is inherently harmful to babies, and I won't have a baby knowing he's going to be

harmed. Okay. So tell me about where that belief comes from. Well, you know, and when a baby is born, they're here looking for safety and comfort from their mom, and to literally cut off a piece of genitals on the day they're born or the next day, it seems absolutely barbaric to me. Nobody in my family, in my immediate family, I didn't have a lot of brothers and I changed diapers growing up. I know my brothers are not circumcised. Everyone in my husband's extended family is. And so it's just a crazy issue that we're on absolute opposite sides of. He's like, everyone grew up just fine. It's not that big a deal. And I think it's a terrible practice culturally, and I don't think anyone should be doing it.

For my own child, I don't know how I would give consent for that procedure. Okay. Is there any... So, whenever I'm talking to somebody in their mind, the door is closed to a conversation, to like getting in the door. I'll take a separate track. But I do feel like I need to challenge the difference in cutting off genitals versus cutting off skin. Skin, the skin that is meant to protect the genitals.

I want to just, one is you're right. One is a cultural practice. One is just kind of an, I don't know what to say other than it just as an is. And the other is like, so conflating those two things, I just want to separate them. But the fact here is that your mind is made up. There is a door that is shut. I guess the only path forward for you is an exhale and in making peace with. this is such a value to me

that I'm willing to give up all of this other stuff and I would say the same thing to your husband on the phone this is like I'm drawing the line in the sand so firm here that it's going to cost me

and all boundaries cost us that I'm going to go through a grieving process I'm going to be super sad that I had this picture of my life with five, six, seven kids running around having fun but my value line stops here and I'm going to be really grateful for my two daughters

and I'm going to find joy and peace inside this boundary that I've drawn so firmly in the dirt. Because listen, any other choice is a choice to just continue to be miserable and angry. And that harms you, that harms your marriage, that harms your kids.

Yeah, I think I've been circling around that for a while, but yeah, I guess I'm just afraid to commit to that being in the past just because that's not what I had envisioned. And is he as firm on that one? As you are, is he as firm as if I have a son,

I've been in enough locker rooms, I've been through my life, what's wrong with me? And I imagine he's taking this very personally, if he is circumcised, like, what is so bad about me and all my brothers and what is this thing about my family

that you think X, Y, like this becomes a much bigger issue than just this one little thing. That's why, you're not wrong. Either, this would be a very unique situation that this is the one issue, that these things aren't showing up in other places in your marriage.

Yeah, and it is, it's an isolated issue. He's a fantastic husband, wonderful father. We have a good relationship. Okay. So anytime I am faced with a deeply, deeply held value, of which I've got several, I'll tell you the way I've chosen to live my life. You don't have to choose to do it this way. I'm just telling you what I've done in my own life.

Like my advice in this situation is pretty thin. I don't have a lot of great advice for you. But I'll tell you what I do. I always make the assumption, or I always lead with an assumption that I might be wrong. And so when I have a deeply held value on something, and somebody that I love and care about is on the other side of the issue, whether it's religion, politics, policy, anything like that, cultural issues. I always sit down with this question, could I be wrong here? Teach me. And not in a, so I can win an argument, not so I can bury you, not so I, that's not the point. The point is I'm about to, I'm about to make a major left or right turn in my life. And I at least want the,

option to not look back when I'm 40 and go, oh my gosh, I blew it on this. And so that's the only the thing I could tell you. And if you've done that, if you've really tried to say, okay, what's the other side of this? Have I talked to physicians who do this kind of thing and listen to their argument? Do I, have I sat with people who haven't had this and wish they had, like, whatever, like, have I done the work to say, ask the question, could I be, is there another person? Is there another perspective on this other than this simply just is period and if you have and you're like great i've heard the other sides i've sat with folks i've listened to their arguments and i am further entrenched than the only other choice is to make peace with the wall that you've you've built for yourself

yeah i think the i think the i really think i have listened as carefully as i can and considered perspective I could come across and for sure, listened respectfully to my husband and try to understand why or see if I could, if I could give the stuff and come around to his side.

But I keep coming back to that it's something that if a boy really wants it, he can have it done later. But once you do it, you can't undo it. And so if a child grows up and wants to make that decision for themselves, I have no

with that but I don't feel like I could be the one to decide for my child and then potentially regret it at some point. Okay. Then I think your next option there is to exhale with your husband and say this is the this, we're at an impasse here. And so this is the world we're co-creating. And let's be over the moon all about our two daughters. And let's build the best marriage we can on the back of this grief that we thought our life was going to look like this and now it's going to look like this. And what makes this especially challenging for both of you is this is usually a conversation I have with somebody who loses a child or who is like who life has done this to them. This would be a little more complicated because y'all are choosing this together.

Yes, definitely not a choice I ever saw as changing such as the trajectory of my life. Right. And the fact that you can hold your husbands aside with dignity, I appreciate. Like it sounds like Like you're not just bashing him. He's a good man. He's just said, I'm pretty firm on this one. I have a lived experience of this side of this issue. And my family has a lived experience. My culture has a lived experience of this side of this issue.

What's your brother's opinions? I haven't directly spoken to any of them. I would ask them. Ask them. Ask them. I don't know how that would feel to ask. I guess you gave me good advice. I probably should.

I don't know. It feels like it feels. it feels, this is why, because when I have asked my husband about bringing people into this conversation to help us see, you know,

maybe something we haven't thought of, like meeting with a pastor or something about it, he's pretty opposed to that because he says this is an issue for him and I to figure out together. It's, it's our family. It would be our decision.

And, I think there's, truth to that. I do. I think there's, I think there's power in coming to this decision, but also, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, I hear an underlying current that you're going to start asking yourself, do you want to stay in this marriage?

No, I don't think that's a factor. Okay. All right. So, it's not like, it's not pervasive. It's not like he's not like controlling me, telling me I can't ask advice and things like that. No, no, no, no. I'm just talking about, if you look up in six years

and you have your two daughters, and they're getting older, you will both look at each other and start to resent each other if you're not careful. Yeah, that's something that I am concerned about, like long-term moving forward, but I guess I mentioned regret, but, yeah, if we have to go one way or the other, how do we not let it affect our future in the negative way? Well, you both just say we made the choice. But that's where I would be interested in somebody's lived experience.

That's why the physicians who do the surgery, I'd want to know, hey, this looks barbaric and evil and awful to me. Can you walk me through what actually happens here? Can you walk me through pain threshold, repair, clear, all that kind of stuff? I remember, and again, this doesn't equate in any way, shape, form, or fashion, okay? I remember seeing the umbilical cord cut and heel, and it looked so gnarly. it looked catastrophic. And I couldn't imagine that that was not the most painful thing in the whole wide world ever, ever, ever.

But the look of what I was looking at wasn't accurate. Right, there's no nerve endings in an umbellical cord. Okay. So again, I didn't know that. I'm just looking at this thing going, oh my gosh, this has to be the worst thing. And it wasn't. I was wrong. And so I would want to get lived experience from a physician. I'd want to get lived experiences of guys who you have, you have a lived experience of a husband who's pretty firmly committed to.

No, no, this is a big deal to me. But you also have an opportunity to talk to your brothers. And so I would do that in concert with your husband. I would say, hey, I want to get some more wisdom on this. I want to try to learn some more. And I'm going to ask some guys that I know who happen to be adults who aren't circumcised, like, hey, what's your opinion on this matter? Like, that'd be worth asking them.

They have a lived experience. I always want to go as close to a source as possible when I'm trying to figure out values. But yeah, if this is an impasse and it's not we're choosing one or the other, we're choosing neither. Then we're going to grieve it. We're going to be super sad

because we had a different picture for our life and then we are going to go be about making joy inside of the boundaries we've co-created together because any other choice is a choice to be resentful, be angry, be bitter. And I refuse to do that to live a whole life like that life is hard enough with external stuff coming our way.

So the choices I make in my life in the middle, the jobs I didn't take, the things I didn't do, the houses I didn't buy, whatever, I am going to choose to put a period to end of that sentence, grieve it be really sad. And then get on about my life. And that's really hard to do. But I think that's our call as parents,

as partners, as just citizens. It's the next where I move. Or do I find joy in whatever place I found myself, especially when it's a place of my own choosing. Thank you for the call, sister. It's a complicated issue, and I appreciate you being honest and sitting with me. Let me sit with you. Let me know what you all decided to do.

I'm kind of invested in this now. I'm interested in what happens next. So make sure you let us know how it's going, and we'll be thinking about you. When we come back, a man asks, how much should he involve his kids on an upcoming move? I joke all the time that I hate being online, but I'm not joking. And the truth is, I'm everywhere. I'm a podcaster. I'm on social media.

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Go to join DeleteMe.com slash Deloney for 20% off an annual plan. that's join deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to North Carolina and talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? I'm doing well, thank you.

Just not prepare for this storm coming in. Yeah, dude, we're still sitting on top of us, and it is a doozy. It's a doozy. What's up with you? So my question is, I'll just get straight to the point, is how much should I involve my kids in this decision to move. They're a little bit older, so that's why I'm a bit of a crossroads with it.

They're 16 and 13. Tell me about the move. So I'm getting ready to retire from the military into summer, and kind of looking at what's going to be next, since the kids are in high school, we've moved quite a bit, nine times in about

13 years or something to that effect. And so we told them whenever we got here, this was kind of going to be it. We're going to stick around in North Carolina for a while. But quite frankly, I don't care for it here. My wife doesn't care for it here. And so we had this opportunity coming up to look to relocate. But kids being the ages that they are,

it just seems a bit unfair to them. And so that's the back and forth that I have in my head. Sure. We said this was going to be stable for you. However, your mom and I are miserable here, so. Yeah. How old are they? I think, well, 16 and 13.

Okay. All right. And what's this new opportunity? Where is it? So it's not necessarily set in stone yet. It's just, I don't see finding a job in this area because it's a bit smaller. And so we're looking for somewhere looking at, you know, in another state. Okay.

So one, like you said, you're going to need a job. You and your wife have to be connected and decide where y'all are going to be and what kind of life you want to have. Right? and so a miserable grouchy grumpy purposeless mom and dad is not a healthy home for two kids right you know that right and stability that's important too and so i think the challenge for you you you gave your life to to public service which is extraordinary and with that commitment came a lot of moves a lot of reassigned all the time, which meant a lot of new schools, which meant a lot of your wife finding new grocery stores, all that kind of stuff, right? You've been through all that. And so the question your wife

have to ask is, where does stability exist when my kids have moved so many times? And that stability has to be found anchored into you two and to your love and commitment to them. Meaning, wherever we live, we are. You get what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. And so I guess I guess, it's a balance of if you told them, hey, this is it, we're never going to move again. We promise we're not going to move you until high school. And then suddenly you have an opportunity in another place, then you all going to have to sit down and say,

we told you something and we were wrong. We should not have said what we said. And then they get to be sad and upset, and y'all are liars and you're mean, because they're kids, they're teenagers. And that's part of the deal. What you've learned here is, I'm not going to make next year or year after that

year after that promises, because I don't know what the world holds. I will tell my kids, I promise we're going to do the best we can to stay here. I, or be even better yet, we have to move again. We got, we got reassigned again, and this is the worst. And I'll just sit here in this discomfort with you. I'm not going to try to take away the discomfort by making a promise like, this is the last move out. You get what I'm saying? So you can tell them, we learned this lesson. I spoke with absolutes and I shouldn't have it. I'm sorry, guys. And by teaching them that their dad, says the words I was wrong, I'm sorry, teaches them wisdom, teaches them strength, teaches them accountability, ownership,

whatever you want to call it. And that's a powerful, powerful lesson. I suppose I just, I feel selfish on my end. And that's maybe where it's coming from. Because if... If you don't have a job, that's not selfish. If you have a good job and you just like aren't fulfilled or aren't following your passion, yeah, that's selfish.

Men are supposed to go do hard things and support their families. Right? and so if you don't have a job that's not selfish well i mean i guess the the could i find something in this area right would i enjoy probably not but could i find something that it's sure you know what i'm saying like it's i don't want to again speak in absolutes like you say but it's it's not going to be anything with what you know aligns with what i've been doing uh in the military not that it has to but it doesn't that I'm really experiencing

if that makes any sense and point being like I could find something sure but and I give some stability but then I just I think of it like my God

so there is you know my oldest will be going into her junior year and then my youngest is still in what seventh grade

so I'm just thinking in my head my God that is another five or six years here or it's two or it's two well yeah I mean

right we're going to get her through her senior year right as your young one is going into high school and that's we're going to move. Well, she's got, uh, it's her, um, she's like in early college. So it's a, it's three more years for her, really. So then it just gets into that weird. Yeah. I mean, here's the deal. It's all weird. What I hear like underneath all of this is you're not going to anything. You're just running. And what I'll tell you is like, you may have heard me say this before,

but the worst part about whatever new job you take after the military and wherever you live, is that you're going to go with you. And so if you have that internal, I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't like myself, I'm tired, all those things,

that those are going to end up at whatever state, town job you go to, already deciding, I'm going to hate whatever job I get here. I mean, that's a bold prediction. Or that's an interest, that's a choice to frame what happens next in a certain way before it even happens.

And my wife and I have lived in several, communities in our 23 and a half years where we look at each other and one or both of us are like we have to leave now like let's go first train out we're going i've been there right and i had somebody that i care about and love challenge me and say and i quote what kind of dad do you think you are end quote because my son moved a lot between grad schools and my me taking different jobs etc he moved a lot and i've got um a deep my my son moved more by the time he was five than I did up until I was 30-something. He was a very different childhood.

And I have 40-plus-year friendships because I lived on the same street growing up. He doesn't have that. And he has an ability to walk in a room and genuinely be happy to meet any number of people because that's how he's had to adapt to his life. I don't have that. He does. You know what I'm saying?

No, yeah, I understand. And I do give a point. about, you know, it, you fall into this habit sometimes of when you get some place and you look around and all the factors, like, I don't like it here, I don't want to be here, this is not what I thought it was going to be, when's the next thing, where's the next thing, and, you know, you never really get to be in, you know, be with yourself. And so, I mean, that's kind of where my head's at, too, in some ways, because it's like, well, you know, if only we lived in ex-town and this house with this, you know, job or what have you, then everything.

But I understand it won't. But I guess it should, like I said, it's maybe the last little silder of hope, if you will. Sure. And there is some truth. Sometimes going to a new house and a new community makes all the difference. Sometimes being in a job that is aligned perfectly, magically happens, and it's awesome. I mean, it really is. anyone who tells you otherwise it's not.

I drove a truck that I was always worried about falling apart until I finally got a new one. And I'm not going to lie, it's awesome. It starts every time I turn it on, right? So that's cool. It actually is. But if I had hoped that that new truck or that new house or that new place was going to suddenly make me look in the mirror and be like,

ah, that's not going to happen. The two things I always tell kids, number one, this is my kids and this is what I recommend to anybody. never ever rob them of the beauty and the wisdom lesson of saying I was wrong or things have changed or life circumstances have changed. That will be an incredible gift from their father. The next thing is, I never put the full burden on them, meaning, hey, I'm about to get out of the military. It's looking like things are changing yet again, and I made y'all a promise. I want to hear directly from you, but know this, your mom and I are going to make the final decision. Because if kids think that

their dad is miserable because they want to stay in high school, they can't carry that weight of your emotional health. And if they think they're in charge of where the family lives, they can't carry that weight either. And so letting them know, I want to hear you, but your mom and I are making the final call is a gift. And they're going to be mad and frustrated because I'm 16. I know everything. They don't. But it feels like it. And they're going to be. And they're going to be mad and going to get mad, lots of big emotions, all that's normal. But giving them permission to be heard and then not in letting them know for sure, you don't hold the final card here.

I do. Your mom does. Um, is a gift. I just want you to be sure you're going to something, not running from something. How long have you been in service? Yeah. Uh, just about 20 years. Okay.

In a couple months. And my experience sitting with veterans my whole career, that's hard. Being told where to live, what to do, where to go, all that kind of stuff. for 20 years and suddenly being released to the wild, that's a hard thing. Is that fair? There's, you know, that aspect of is sure, you know, there's a lot of uncertainty just, you know, transition wise for me just because I got, you know, later in my career, some injuries and everything. That's right. And so be honest and open about those fears. Am I going to still have utility out in the world. I am now responsible for where we live and what job I take, which means

I'm now responsible for my joy and happiness and stability. And it's simply a skill that I'm going to work on because I haven't had that. That's a skill that's atrophied because I outsourced that to this unit for 20 years. Or not this unit, but to this career for 20 years. And so, cool, I've got to learn some new skills. And getting under that new squat rack, it's going to be hard. My hips are going to hurt. My knees are going to hurt. And by the way, I've got some injuries in both of those things. And so like, you get what I'm saying? It's when my buddies who are veterans and the people I've sat with when they're not honest about, hey, this is scary. And I see all these other civilians doing it. And it should be easy. I've done all these other hard things. It's just a skill, right? It's like football players trying to play basketball sometimes. It looks hilarious. This is different skills. I mean they're not great athletes and they're not really amazing at what they did. It's just this is different now. And so I'm going to be honest about all of it. but you spending some time digging into where do I want to go and who do I want to be and asking your wife who do we want to be now that we are making all of the decisions for us getting unity and alignment on that and anchoring into that that's priority number one and not going into every

situation just assuming it's going to be the worst ever and I'm going to hate it and I'm not going to like it maybe but maybe not instead of saying I am going to go make the best opportunity here I'm going to go do this stuff. I'm going to work this hard job so that my kids get to. You get to make all those choices. But we're not going to chase feelings. We're going to chase what's the next right move. I'm really honored for your call, brother.

Thanks for your service. Thanks for being with us. And thanks for trusting me with how to have these conversations. Call anytime. I'll walk with you anytime, brother. It's an honor. Bring them along, but don't make them carry the weight. Kids cannot carry that weight.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I have had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women. But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations, that the whole world dumps on them, women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often, they're encouraged to, overlook their own emotional well-being for the care of others.

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isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Listen, your emotional well-being matters. Find support in therapy today. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash deloni. All right, we're back. What's up, Kelly? I would like you to spend a couple minutes talking about the new app. Okay. And it's kind of telling us instead of it being like, here's all the talking points and why we should sell it. Which, I mean, you know.

We're both getting hit up like make commercials, make commercials. Yeah, exactly. But I want people to hear why you created it, why it's been such a passion project for you. Because this has been a long time in the making for those that aren't on the side of it that know. and I know how hard you worked on it and the meetings were in and just all that's involved with it but instead of marketing it

yeah yeah tell us why you created it and what you're more importantly even than why you created it what your hope is for people that use it I think the most important thing people need to know is I fought against this thing for over a year I didn't want any I just I don't use a lot of apps I don't like going to apps for stuff

I fought and fought and fought over it and when I saw what the there's a small team of developers that have been working on this thing side by side with me for a long time when I saw what they were putting out I thought okay this is gonna be a game changer at the end of the day

what I'm hearing across the country private conversations big conversations from stage and personal in people's homes is I want to have a good or great marriage and I'm at a point now

where I don't know I don't know what to do next they won't do X, Y, Y, or Z. I don't want to do X, Y, or Z. We've lost that love and feeling. The spark is gone. All of those things. And then, quite honestly, underneath that, I'm looking at a generation that's just opting out. Fewer people than ever are getting married. And quite honestly, there's been a little snapshot in history, but they didn't have to. And they thought, I'm going to go chase these other things instead of co-creating a life with somebody with a ride or

die. And so I say all those things on the show. like you got to pick it right or die and y'all got to be in this together and you all got to co-create values and all that stuff and the most common criticism I get back is cool that sounds great how do I do that and so what this app is is us just taking it all the way to the very very bottom how do I know what's the next right thing and what this app does is it texts you it learns you over time but it asks what you're struggling with work life balance which is a myth um mental load, romance, loss of love and feeling like, what path do you want? And it will walk with you and give you an action step or two to do every day. And it literally will just pop up on your phone

and say, go do this. And I want people to stop thinking everything through all of the time, which sounds counterintuitive. We've got to start acting our way towards the lives we want. And I just, I've heard it so much over the last four or five years. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. That's this app. I got you. It's a micro habits for your marriage. Okay, explain that word because in a lot of the marketing that we're seeing around the building is micro habits. So if anyone's seeing any of the ads, you'll see that word micro habits. Explain that, please. When it comes to fitness, people are like, I'm going to lose 150 pounds.

That's a great goal. What does that actually mean and how do we do that? And the data tells us that most people have a goal like that and they never see it through. A micro habit is taking this end goal. I want to have a great marriage. All right, so I'm going to get chocolates and I'm going to do the dishes every night and I'm always going to want to have sex. It's impossible. You can't, that's not how it works.

You're trying to start from the fireworks show back, right? So a micro habit is what is a small action step I can take on a regular basis that begins to shift how I see and know and celebrate my spouse. And so instead of being like, I don't know what's, you'll get an, it'll pop up on your phone. I don't care how mad you are. I don't care how annoyed you are, whatever. Go make her favorite cup of coffee and go put it by her bed before she wakes up. exactly how she likes it.

If you don't know how she likes it, then you don't know your wife, go find that out. And or do one chore that's not normally yours. Or write one sticky note and go outside and start his car form in the cold

and put it on his dashboard. Like it's a small little steps over time and they're just micro habits. And what happens is like James Clearer talks about when you want to, if you want to get in shape, spend a week or two, just drive to the gym

and sit in the parking lot for a minute or two and then drive home. That's a micro habit towards changing. your actions, which is I wake up and I go to the gym and then exercise. Go get on one treadmill for one minute and then get off. That's what we're headed towards. We are just coaching folks on here's the next right step in your marriage. And so it's breaking it down as small as possible to make

them bite-sized and actionable. And the feedback we've got on this app, we've been testing it for forever. It's just extraordinary. It's pretty amazing. So I'm excited about it. So that's the app in a nutshell. This is May in a nutshell. What's that from? Oh, yeah. Awesome powers. Help! I've been a nutshell. Man, that quote came, I don't know where that quote came from. But yeah, go check it out. You can download it in the app store,

search together in the app store. And yes, Android folks, I get it. We're coming for you. Just take about 30% off, maybe 40% off. But if you got an iPhone, go check it out in the app store. Love you guys.

Bye.