The Dr. John Delony Show - My Mom Doesn’t Respect Me as a Parent

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: -       A woman struggling to set boundaries with her parents -       A couple hoping to improve their sex life -       A mom wondering how to blend families with her new husband Lyrics of the Day: "Rise and Fall" - Daniel Renstrom  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to make blending a family a little bit easier. The first month was so hard. Yes. I kind of went in with the attitude of, I'm going to fix this. No! It made me go crazy. Yes.

What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest show that has ever existed. I got to stop saying that because it's not true. I listened to a couple of podcasts over the weekend. I was like, man, this is way better than my show. But on this show, we do, we're pretty good. And we talk about mental health, emotional health, your marriage,

parenting, dealing with kids in schools, your nutrition, whatever you got going on in your life, your nutrition, your sleep, whatever you got going on in your life. For two decades, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen on, when they've been struggling, and we've decided to make it public. For the last few years, instead of having these conversations behind closed doors, in hospitals, in homes when someone's passed away or somebody has packed up and moved out, we're having these conversations here, live. And we have a brave group of callers who call in with real things that they're going through, and we talk about them here.

If you want to be on the show, if're one of the one of the brave brave few Give us a buzz at 1 8 4 4 6 9 3 32 91 It's 1 8 4 4 6 9 3 3 2 9 1 or go to John Deloney comm Slash ask and don't forget like us and follow us on social media. Don't forget to subscribe on YouTube channel Or you know do the thumbs up. I don't know how you like stuff anymore. Put hearts on it. Just tattoo the show logo on your neck.

That'd be kind of, that's what Kelly did. And I'm not going to lie, it's a pretty gangster move. She's got enough powder and makeup to conceal her, conceal everything. But I was proud of you when you did that. Because you got all these 80s metal bands and weird rap groups and old boyfriends tattooed all over you. But you never put the show on there. And finally, you did it. It was huge.

Money. It lets me know as a producer, you're all in. And I appreciate you being all in. And hey, we're getting close To when this publishes it's just a couple of days before christmas, right? And we're getting close christmas. I love it and it's my daughter's birthday's around there So I love all that but it's getting up on my favorite time of the year Absolute favorite time of the year, which is new year's when all of the world goes

Let's just try again And I just love it. I love everybody gets a mulligan. So we've got the Questions for Humans New Year's deck of cards. It's not too late. Order those and this will give you all something to do over New Year except more than just like drink beer and be like, hey, let's blow up some stuff in the sky or sit around and talk about how it's all coming down.

Maybe it's all coming down, but talking about it's not going to help it. So here's some cards that we've created specifically for a group of people hanging around at New Year's. All right, let's pull some out. All right, first one. Let's do it. How has it been obvious this year that you have zero control in your life? Well, number one, she's looking at me right now, and that's you. I have no control in my life. I have two powerful women I report to you and my wife. Other than that, um, I think it's been the opposite. I think this year more so than any year I can remember, I have continually been reminded of how, on a micro level, how

in control of things I can be when it comes to what I eat, when it comes to my stress levels, when it comes to exercise and those kinds of things. Macro level, when it comes to war and hatred and bigotry and people who just simply don't understand how economics work and the country I live in, I got zero control, right? So I would say at the macro level, I have literally no control. I can't control anything about that. The micro level, I have infinitely more control than I've ever felt. What about you? Oh, this was a big one for me this year. Cause, um, so, you know, coming up on one year, lost mom, house flooded Christmas Eve, lost my mother-in-law this year.

And it just, it felt like, um, a lot of things were out of our house for seven months. A lot of things were stripped away to the point where I had to just let it go. Because, um, if I tried to control, I mean, all these things that I, and I, you know, we talked about this before, I love control. And, but all these things that were so out of my control that I had no way to fix or to make happen. And I was just kind of, it was like, I was just the only way for me to go was to God because there was just no other option because otherwise I was going to go insane. And so this year has really taught me that there's a lot that I don't have control over, big things that aren't mine to control. And then I need to let them go because

he's going to make it work. He's going to bring it around. He's going to redeem it. It's just out of my control. So there's that idea like the, i've watched it and you've handled it with grace so much um you've been extra mean a few times but that's fair um but you like i've seen this year more so and it may be just the magnitude of it all that when you have like some pretty big things it feels like you're controlling them even though you're not but like when your house explodes and people you love pass away and personal challenge, like it's that leaf in the river metaphor. Like at some point I can continue to try to swim upstream and I'm going to drown or I can just do the right things as this thing heads wherever it's going to go. Right?

Because what else are you going to do? Exactly. The only other option was just to be – drive myself so insane. And I tried to do that, especially with the house stuff, trying to micromanage everything. And I just thought, you know, I can't live like this. Yeah. And yeah, but I've always felt God tried to teach me that. And sometimes he has to do it a little harsher

because you don't learn. Ayo. Yeah. Ayo. Okay, cool. What's another one? All right, the next one. What's one thing you want to stop doing next year?

That's a good question. You go first. Being mean? No. You couldn't function. No, one thing I want to stop doing next year is I'm really bad about when it comes to my weight loss, which I'm working on five pounds down. Very happy about that. Way to go weight loss, which I'm working on five pounds down, very happy about that,

or workout or whatever, I tend to get paralysis by analysis, you know, the idea of I need to know exactly what to do. I can't, I need to know which thing to do and what workout am I supposed to do and how many days am I supposed to do it? So I don't do anything until I have all those questions answered. And this morning I got up later than I wanted to. So I didn't have time to do my workout. And I was actually, so I just did like a 15 minute yoga thing. I was like, just do something, just move. And she said, actually, I'd never done this yoga with this particular woman before on YouTube. And her, she said, pick one word. And I want you to think about it. And my word was start. Just do something. Something. Go for a walk. If you don't, you know, if you don't want to do that, just do something because anything's better than nothing. And I'm really bad about that about, I have to have all the answers first. Yeah. Well,

dude, that's awesome. So that's something I'm working on. What about you? I've got two. One is, man, I like, this has been like a, a major issue. And so I'm really working hard on it. Um, beginning like recently actually is complaining. I complain about everything. There's wine. I'm, I am a professional whiner and that might surprise people who listen to the show. Don't hang out with me regularly, but I'm always whining about something and I just has to end. It's so unendearing and it makes it hard to like, want to be around somebody who whines all the time, just complains. So that's, um, number one. Um, the second one is, um, really leaning back into contentment, like, um, really like dropping my shoulders and being really grateful for where I'm at. And I can get really big, not on, not on not being ambitious career wise. Cause I like, I just,

I've been a teacher since I was a little kid and I'd like to help folks like that's going to be wired. That's wired into me. But this idea, like I want to do this so that I can get this. And so then I can get this. And so it's not being complacent or settled in curiosity and those kinds of things, but it's using those things to try to get more crap. And that's been probably the heaviest thing this year is just stop this insane pursuit of accumulation and cool things are going to come,

but I made a list this weekend. I actually listened to Dr. Atiyah had a podcast that released talking about a doctor who's in Syria, a missionary doctor. The guy owns two t-shirts. And he had been gone for a long time. And in scrubs, that's what he lives in, scrubs and t-shirts and two t-shirts. And he came back to New York for some fundraising stuff.

And he said it was just like, wow. And he said the food was great and whatever. They're talking about in the culture, they have a word for food and it's food. So when you say like, what'd you eat last night? They're like, food. Because there's not this endless variety. And I was struck by there's virtually zero suicide, virtually zero heart metabolic issues. And I thought, man, I think I'm burying myself in

early grave through complaining and through always trying to get the next thing. And so those are two things I'm going to really work hard on with meditation, with intentional practice, with those kind of things, catching myself, getting a group of people, being like, you're complaining again. I think those are two things that I'm going to work on stopping this year.

Yeah, and they both go, I mean, they're so hand in hand. Yeah. You know, when you stop doing one and start doing the other, they just, I think it's almost an automatic, one stops, one starts. Yeah, complaining and whining is, I want my way right now. And my way is about contentment.

Yeah. Instead of seeing the insane, like glitch in the matrix we all live in, right? It's silly. It's silly. Cool. Awesome, man. So pick up your questions for humans.

Go to johndeloney.com. You can pick them up. That's the New Year's deck. Man, you pulled some great questions. All right, let's go out to Baton Rouge and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather? Hey, Dr. John. What's up? Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm doing okay. I wanted to tell you, first of all, just how much my husband and I both just appreciate you and all the work that you're doing.

I finished your book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, last night, actually. And it's been helping me so much. And so thank you for that. Thank you. Yes. So I'm hoping, yeah, I'm choosing freedom. And with that, I'm going to go into my question. All right.

Let's do it. Hopefully you can help me out. All right. and respect my parents and other extended family members while setting boundaries to protect my marriage and my children. And to give you some background, I can just talk about a recent event that happened when we were visiting my family recently. Yeah, go for it. just usually annoyed with our kids when we're there, like by the noise they make, the messes they make. He speaks in a belittling and condescending way, not just to my children, but he's always spoken that way to my mom and to us as kids and many people. So that's an issue that seems to be getting worse. And then my mom

doesn't always agree with our parenting styles and thinks we should just turn on the TV anytime the kids are getting rowdy. And we really try to limit screen time. And my husband and I felt led to become Catholic this year. So that's something that we're kind of on a journey on. And we take like prayer and going to church very seriously. And when we get our kids up in the morning, when we're there to go to church, she gets upset by the fact that we're not spending time with them, that we're going to church. And then the last relationship that we kind of deal with when we're there is my sister and her kids. She kind of gives her kids full access to phones, internet, and her kids are a little bit older than ours and they're learning

about... My nine-year-old niece has already learned about, like, what sex is. And so we have kids that are much younger, and so we're just trying to protect them. And it feels like when we go, we're kind of just having to constantly kind of monitor our kids and protect them from things that are happening around their house. So just hoping that you can give me some guidance on how I can, how we can still build a relationship with them, but like how to set boundaries with them. Yeah, you bet. All right. So there's a couple of things here. One just off the top of my head, nine-year-olds should know about sex.

That should be an ongoing conversation, but they should not find out about it via their cell phones or the internet. They should find out about that from trusting adults in their life. So that's just an aside. All right. So I think we've got love and respect all sideways. Okay. Love and respect requires as a fundamental core principle, as a building block, a cornerstone of love and respect is boundaries. Love and respect does not mean that you have to do whatever somebody else wants of you. Okay. So if you grew up in a home where you're always belittled

and your dad flexed on the people that he was supposed to love that meant that y'all's job was to curate a world where dad was never his feathers were never ruffled because he was a peacock who liked to really shine and kick up those tail feathers. So the goal of the house, mom, you, your siblings, the goal was to keep the peace, right? Yes, exactly. Okay. Mom has been putting up with this for what, 25, 30 years? How old are you? I'm 33. They've been married for 40 years. So for 40 years, her job every day is to make sure he's not pissed off.

That's how she stayed safe. That's how she stayed, quote unquote, out of trouble. That's how she manufactured a little pocket of safety inside of her world. Okay. So let's set that over to the side for a second. Often when people grow up in that, I mean, are in a relationship like that, they look to the next lowest person on the rung, if you will, and they extract that similarly. But they often do it from the bottom up, not the top down. Here's what I mean.

Your dad is huge. He comes over the top. He's a big, loud male. And he may be five foot two. I don't know how big he is, but he's got this presence that is, I can't tell those kids to be quiet. Or he doesn't say anything.

That way he can kind of act indignant when somebody calls him on it. But he gets all tense and he goes around huffing and puffing and picking up the the toys that the kids left out really heavy right um or he goes real loud like he's just real abrasive mom on the other hand is oh you mean you're gonna go to church and we're just not gonna have breakfast okay i guess i'll just i guess we'll just eat here by ourselves then. Um, if that's more important to you, then, um, okay. It's the same exact move, just underneath the boat. She's dragging it underneath it instead

of on top of it. Does that ring a bell? Yes. Yes, it does. Okay. So that is one person who has been using the other person to get the life he wants, not as a partnership, but as a, basically an extended parent. And then your mom does that to the next lowest person, which is her kids, okay? So everything is about peace and everything's about comfort. And what you and your husband have chosen to do is to do something opposite,

to head into a relationship with your kids, which is messy and hard. It is easy to dump them in front of a TV. You know why? How I know that? I did it last night. My wife and my son were out at a church event. My daughter was chaos and I needed to finish some stuff. And I said, hey, you know what? I know it's a school night. Do you want to go watch a show? And her eyes lit up and she was like, oh my gosh, dude, she ran up there. You know what I got done in that 30 minutes? I got so much done and it wasn't that big of a deal on a one-off. But if that was my default every day, all the time, I'd be failing my kid, right? Y'all have chosen to not

do that. Y'all have chosen to head into it. How old are your kids? Six, three, and two. Okay. You know what six, three, and two-year-olds are? Loud. Yeah. And running around and chaotic and they break things and they test things and they're curious and they hit their head on things and they don't put things away. That doesn't mean that y'all are failing. That means y'all are growing kids that are using the whole world as a laboratory for how things work and how things feel, right? Yes.

And your parents are opting out of that world. You also have chosen to not give your kids unfettered access to the internet. You've chosen not to let them be raised by screens. Your sister's not made that choice. And so she's opting out of their life. Here's what this means. I cannot love and respect somebody if every time I'm around them,

I'm on defense or I'm slowly being suffocated. Okay. So the best way I can love and respect somebody is to have clear and firm and loving boundaries. That doesn't mean avoidance. I think we have used the word as avoidance is I can never be in contact with you. And I think that's an overreaction, particularly by younger generations. I don't think we have to do that, but I'll hang out with you. And I'm going's an overreaction, particularly by younger generations. I don't think we have to do that. But I'm going to hang out with you. And I'm going to be really clear. Hey, if you say that joke about these people, I don't want to be around it.

I'm going to leave. And then they'll make the joke. And you'll go, all right, hey, guys, y'all take it easy. I'm out. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, I was pretty clear about that. That's just, I don't think it's funny. I'm out.

Y'all have a good one, guys, and I'll catch y'all next time. I'll come back. Those are my friends. Those are my family members. And I'm going to be clear again. Hey, just FYI. And if they do it again, then what they're saying is we don't want you here. We would rather tell this joke about this group of people than have you here. That's what they're saying. I found out that there's a group of my friends who I love, who have different jokes when I'm around than when I'm not. And you know what? I freaking love that because that is so respectful of my boundaries. You know what I'm saying? So similarly, I think it's worth a very direct and a very loving

conversation. You're 33 years old. You have three kids. How long have you been married? Nine and a half years. Almost a decade. You know what it's time for? Grownup conversations with grownups. Yeah. That's a coffee, taking your dad out to coffee. Hey dad, can I take you out to coffee? Sure. Hey dad, every time my kids come over to your house, it's going to be a hard conversation. Everything about your body language tells me you don't want us here and you don't want them here.

That somehow you think I'm failing as a parent and actually think I'm a pretty good parent and my kids are great. But you belittle us, you talk down to us, you get mad at us. And here's the thing, I want them to have you in their life, but I can't have that.

And me saying that to you, you imagining yourself having that conversation, what does it feel like? It doesn't feel comfortable. I haven't had a conversation about this exact thing, but I have had conversations when I bring things up to my dad in the past and it doesn't go well. He plays it down. He turns it back on me and doesn't listen. Do you have that in the moment or off to the side, like in a prearranged time? I can remember specifically one time in college when I like specifically just pulled him off to the side when he was reading or something and tried to have a conversation with him. Okay.

Well, my recommendation is to try it again. And this is why. You want to know that you entered into an uncomfortable situation and you retained your dignity and you treated everybody with love and respect. And I think love and respect often requires discomfort and honesty and clarity. If you just disappear and decide to not go, I think that can be cruel. And you end up becoming just like him.

And instead of belittling him to his face, like he does to you, you belittle him under the water. He sucks. I don't want him around our kids. We're not going to go anywhere. Now, I have a rule that I only talk if somebody is going to hear me. I don't speak just to have spoken. That's what the social media world is. That's politicians. I don't speak if I can't be heard. And so if you think in your guts, dude, he can't hear a word I'm saying, then cool. Don't have that conversation. And same with your mom. I think it's worth taking mom out for a coffee and saying, hey, mom, we have drawn a line when it comes to screens. We're just not going to do it. It's not how we're going to raise our kids. It's not. And so I want

that to stop being an expectation in this house. And I understand if our kids are too loud, then we're just going to, we're just going to not have them here. We're going to not have them here and we're going to roll out. But all that to say is whatever your boundaries happen, happen to be the way you demonstrate that you love and respect your parents is by being very clear kind respectful of pos i mean always respectful but kind of possible have the clear conversation and then they get to respond however they want to immature like you said turn it back on you blame you and my god how how heartbreaking and lame it is for a child to sit down with their parent and say hey here's how i experience you and for them And my God, how heartbreaking and lame it is for a child to sit down with their parent and say,

hey, here's how I experienced you. And for them to make it their kid's fault. So ridiculous. And I hate that that happened to you. I hope it didn't happen again. Your sister's kids are handing out phones and your nine-year-old's talking about sex with a six-year-old and you're not comfortable.

Then dude, then don't have them around. Cool. Maybe have a conversation with your sister. Hey, tell your nine-year-old to stop talking about sex with us, with my kids, please. Have that conversation. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I mean, no, I'm not kidding. That's a big deal to me. And here's the deal. They may all opt out of relationship with you for a season. That will hurt so bad. But kind of like surgery, to get out the cancer, get out a tumor, they have to cut you. They have to cause you pain, hurt your body, if you will, to get out the bad stuff. If your family opts out, it will hurt, but it will also be removing

a group of people who say they love you on one hand and spit on your boundaries and values in the other. So it's going to hurt. It's going to be painful. You have to grieve it. And puts an end to this madness. Or what I think is going to happen is as a 33 year old who's been married for a decade with three young kids, they might hear you. And I would start the conversation like this. This is really hard for me. I'm scared to have this conversation. I'm nervous about it. So I'm going to fumble through it a little bit.

But I'm going to ask that you please treat me as an adult as we talk through this. I know that's pie in the sky for some of you. Listen, you're just laughing. You're like, dude, my dad would never hear that call. But I think it would shock you how many parents would be honored, hurt, but honored

to be approached that way by their adult kids. Most people want to be connecting most of the time. They just don't know how. And if you have this conversation and give your parents a roadmap, at least you're giving them a chance. Thank you so, so much for the call, Heather. I'm really, really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though

is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people.

And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share

journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Hallow

helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. And this one's going to be a doozy. I can already tell. This is a married couple on the line. Oh, boy. Let's go out to Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike in Oklahoma. What's up, dude?

I'm doing good. How are you? I don't know, man. I see the line. Jenna gave me a line of what this call is about. Then she just said, oh, yeah, his wife's on. I'm like, oh, this is going to be...

Okay. And you're asking for this, right? I'm asking for it. Ah, geez. Okay. Alright, so let's bring on your wife, Tara. Cool? Yep, let's bring her on. Are you all in the same house right now?

Actually, outside of my mother-in-law's house in Colorado. We're sitting in separate cars right now. So y'all are having this conversation at your mother-in-law's house. Yeah. All right. While I'm talking to her, I want you to download an app called Hotels.com because you may need it. All right? And I have no affiliation with them.

I just know they got lots of hotels. All right. Let's bring on Tara. What's up team money. Hey, how are you? I'm probably better than y'all are about to be. What's up? No, we knew we'd already knew what we were getting ourselves into. So I think you're spot on with the intro. Oh boy. All right. Let's do this. All right. So Mike, I'm going to do something a little bit different, all right? Yeah. Okay, so here, I'm just going to read you what the byline is that Jenna has put in my monitor, okay? Okay. And then I'll let you tell the story.

All right. And Tara and Mike, have you all talked about everything? Are we sure? Oh, yeah. We have talked about everything. All right. Here we go. Let's dance.

So it says underneath Mike from Edmond, Oklahoma in my monitor, it says, wife and I have been working through infidelity on my part. She's pregnant now, struggling with our, I'm struggling, Mike's struggling with our lack of sex life. Is that correct? Correct. Sure wish she wasn't on the phone. All right, let's do this, dude. Let's do it.

All right, walk me through it, Mike. All right. So basically our story is infidelity on my part. It's been two and a half years since my confession. We've been in therapy, a fair recovery group. We're part of a very strong community. We actually co-lead a marriage group of other couples that are restoring their marriages after infidelity and pornography addiction. Tara's actually in her second trimester.

We had a miscarriage back in May. And basically, yeah, we're just struggling with our sexual intimacy after, after the infidelity, after the miscarriage. And I actually feel selfish, you know, I feel really selfish for even wanting to have sex with her since she's not feeling well during her pregnancy. This is something we've talked about and we just, we, we, we need help in this area. Okay, cool. So, uh, great job.

That was like, you really concise and you kind of put it all out there. So I'm proud of you. Um, and I saw, heard a lot of reflection in there. It wasn't a lot of, well, this happened and this happened. You took a lot of ownership there. So that's awesome. Tara, what's your, what's your side of the story? Um, well, that's, we have done a lot of work just like he said i mean we have you know after something is earth shattering is infidelity um you have to you have to start from ground zero and that's what we've done i mean we have literally i mean there was nothing left after that and we have like you said gone to years of therapy we still go we have these accountability groups so the the, the communication

and the transparency, like we talk about everything, like there's no seat, you know? So like, we do have like a really good foundation. I know we're only two and a half, almost three years into after infidelity, but we've made a lot of progress. So my, it's just that like the infidelity has, I mean, not infidelity, um, like intimacy has always been a challenge, just his upbringing of like, you know, abuse as a child starting around five and then, you know, introduction to pornography starting at five. So that's kind of where his journey started. And then mine was like the opposite. Like I didn't have like touch for my parents, like hugs and kisses. And so I could just like live

the rest of my life and like not be touched probably and be totally fine. So you could see how it was like an explosion waiting to happen when we got married. Right. But yeah, so we just, we worked through the infidelity and we continue to. And then when we got pregnant in May and we lost that baby, I mean, it was really, really hard because we never thought that we would be married, much less have another child. And then when we lost that baby, you know, it's really, really hard. And then now that I'm pregnant again, it's like the trauma from like, not only the trauma from losing the baby, like pregnancy after loss is one thing. But then you add in, you know, all the stuff with the infidelity kind of came out once our daughter was just born. So there's kind of like that impending like, okay, are we going to do this again

once we have another baby? And then there's the fear of losing the baby. And then I've just been really, really sick on top of it all. So it's just like this like triple-edged sword, it feels like. I'm like, if I don't have sex with him, like I might throw up on you,

but you know, it's like, I don't, it's like our intimacy is, it's, you know what I mean? It's like a really big deal for us because if we don't have intimacy for months at a time, like, is he going to spiral again back into this, you know, this, this hole that he's dug himself out of. So it's just like super complex.

Okay. So it's super complex and we can pull some pretty clean strings on it. Okay. And level things out a bit. Is that cool? Yeah. I know y'all have both been to counseling. I'm going to bypass probably a year of therapy, okay?

And kind of cut to the chase on some things just to make this, that way it's not like a five-hour call. And I'd love it as y'all continue, I'd love to have you back on almost recurring and we can kind of walk through what this looks like if y'all are ever interested in that okay oh sure yeah I'm interested

so I'm getting to a place where I wrote a whole book on trauma right and where you go from here and the importance of our childhood stories I think those stories are really important to peel back and uncover, right? And I think the challenge remains is whether I'm working with people in marginalized communities. I spent my whole career doing that. I don't talk about

that on the show because I don't want other people's marginalization to be how I move my career for, right? But I spent 20 years doing that. I've sat with people who lost everything, everything. I've sat with people like you guys whose marriage is in ash and you're deciding, are we going to do this? Are we going to, like, whatever, what are we doing next, right? But every single time I've sat with somebody and they're sitting in the trauma, we always land on this one core question. What are we going to do now? And two and a half, almost three years removed from the affair, infidelity, right? Or multiple affairs or whatever it happened to be. I want to really challenge y'all to not go go back to well when he was five he experienced this

and i didn't have touch and so i experienced this because where we are now is you both committed to being in a marriage that's here right now right right and so those stories might play into why our nervous system responds the way it does with those GPS pins I talk about all the time. It might light me up or it might do this or do this. But every day, I have a choice as to what this day is going to look like, period. And I might have to practice for as much as a decade to turn the corner on some things. But I am here now, okay? So I want to honor and

know that those past stories are there, but I want to spend the bulk of my energy in the present moving forward. Is that cool? Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So in real quick terms, when you're like, ah, I don't want sex. I don't want it to be touched. Like, I don't feel good. I haven't gone to the bathroom in eight weeks and I feel like I'm going to throw up every day. And oh my gosh. And I just feel all bloaty and gross. And my parents didn't even, I want that part to be done. Does that make sense? I want to live where we are right now Because here's why When we live in the right now You have to take ownership of what happens next It can't go back to, well, they did this

And that goes the same for you too, Mike Like, it's not weird You're not broken And I applaud you for saying it out loud I want to have sex with my wife A lot And I would prefer to have sex with my wife A lot And I would prefer to have sex

And her not barf on me That makes it weird Right? Yeah And We don't talk about this enough Men don't talk about this enough I don't know that

I don't know many guys Outside of Some sort of pathology Who wants to have What I would call Duty sex or chore sex. Right. Like here, she just get getting off sex. Like, well, she's sick and grow and feeling gross and pregnant, but she's going to take one for the team. Like, I don't know many guys who enjoy that. No. Right here. And so Mike, here's what I want to get at with you. And I'm sure you've

been through some of this with counseling. And I'm going to, man, I could do a whole five-week episode, five weeks of this on the show. Men have been funneled into this world where sex is the only form of intimacy that is acceptable. It's okay. It's the only tool we have. And you stack that on top of your childhood, which your nervous system was wired with pornography into it. Like sensational sex performed by professionals, right? Right. That's how you grew up.

And you have childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse? What did you experience as a kid? Yeah, just a lot of other kids around my age just a little bit older um pretty much making me engage in sexual acts with other kids there you go okay all right it's surprisingly common and surprisingly frustrating and disturbing right so both at all at the same time. Can I go one step deeper with you both on the phone? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Please. Mike, sometimes the layer beneath the I want to have sex is I don't really, I love, I love deeply.

I would die for, but I don't like my wife. I don't like our conversations. I don't like the interactions. I don't like our conversations. I don't like the interactions. I don't like how she's always complaining about me. I don't like that she doesn't desire me the same way I desire her. And pornography solves that problem instantly.

A woman at work who laughs at my jokes and only sees a curated version of myself, who thinks my text emojis are hilarious, that works until it blows up everything, right? Or here's another one. Mike has created a world. How long have y'all been married? Eight years.

How many kids? One. One, okay. Mike has a world where he's got one child, didn't really understand the depth and gravity and feelings and emotions around a miscarriage. I talked to men who feel it as deep or deeper than their wives. And I talked to men who are like, I don't get it.

Like my wife is sobbing. I don't know what to do. And everything I do is wrong because it's not bothering me the same, right? And because everybody grieves different. And what you do to control yourself during those seasons is you just shut the machine down. You build a life where you feel completely dead.

You go to autopilot. And autopilot keeps you off pornography. Autopilot keeps you out of another affair. Autopilot also keeps you out of trouble because you're not saying the right things after a miscarriage. Autopilot keeps you out of, I don't really understand what this little kid running around here doing it and i just know that my wife's telling me i'm doing it wrong all the time okay and so we create a world where sex is the only time we feel alive that's it it's the

only time i can get my heart rate up past you you know, 75 beats a minute is if I'm having sex And so here's why I tell you that a lot of the conversations about I want to have sex I want to have sex. I want to have sex have to do with the life we've created for ourselves Okay And sex everything my feeling alive getting my heart beat up. I don't have any hobbies I feel like i'm failing at my house. I feel like I don't have any hobbies. I feel like I'm failing at my house. I feel like I don't like my wife. I feel like she doesn't like me. All of that gets dumped on one slide on a water slide at a water park. And it's, well, let's just do it. Let's just

have sex. And if I can increasingly push the boundaries while we're having sex and go to this position or this thing or this weird, after eight years, you kind of start push the boundaries while we're having sex and go to this position or this thing or this weird. After eight years, you kind of start pushing the boundaries on most everything. We've tried it or we've thought about it or I'm trying to get her to read my mind and do some things that she like,

what, right? All of it. And then you have that one person that you run into and she already knows all of it. And she brings it up and you're like, oh my, right? So these things happen supernaturally.

I mean, not supernaturally like Superman, but like, it's just a natural progression here. What I want y'all to begin to ask yourself is what does our intimacy and desire look like outside of having sex? Have y'all heard me talk about the gas pedals and brakes? Um,

I don't think I have. Okay. I want y'all to order a book by Emily Nagatsky called Come As You Are. C-O-M-E, As You Are. The cover of the book, you're going to get it and go, you can't be serious. I'm serious. Get that book, and I want y'all to order it, and I want you to read it together. Okay?

It's a book for women about women's sexuality, but it's been incredibly instructive to men who I've asked to read it, myself included. Here's where it's so important. It talks about the myth of a sex drive. It's not real. It's not a thing. We've been taught that women have sex drive light to men. It's not true. Sex and intimacy is this series of gas pedals and brakes.

What does that mean? That means I want to create a world where there's few brakes as possible and as many slammed on gas pedals as possible. Mike, it may stun you to find out that dishes in the sink are a break to your wife. She doesn't know why. You don't know why.

You just know that when you're like, hey, let's have sex, let's have sex. She's like, well, I got to go clean the kitchen. You hear that as she would rather have a clean kitchen than be with me. Yeah. Right? Yeah. with me. Right. What she's dealing with is 200 years of feminine baggage about what your house is supposed to look like if you actually love your husband. And so for her, I can't even be in the moment knowing that I'm failing him out there in the kitchen with dishes in the sink.

I'm making that up. I'm just inventing that. Right. Right. I cannot have sex with you until bedtime's done perfectly. And you're thinking, we just locked the door. Let's party. Right. And so what I've seen, um, Dr.

Nagatsuki's book is, is extraordinary, but what I've seen and heard all across the country is couples backing out of the bedroom conversation. And by the way, there is a moment we got to put sex on the calendar. We have to, can we hold hands one night? Can we do the John Deloney erotic envelope system

where you put five things in an envelope and she puts five things in an envelope and we just commit over the next month, we're going to pull one of these things out a week or one of these things out twice a week or one of these things out every two weeks. And one of them may just be holding hands. And Mike, you're going to go, son of a, right? And it might be in the morning, you pull it out and Tara, it's regular, boring, married sex. Then you know, okay, Mike, here's what, here's all the breaks I've got going for me.

Laundry, the dishes, the this, the that, the thought of you looking at pornography again, our Netflix history, which I stumbled on and saw that you were watching whatever. These are all breaks for me. And Mike goes, cool. I got it. What else? Right? So we're going to have the breaks and gas pedals conversation in gas pedals. What are the things that turn me on? What are the things that turn me on? I don't want to get too detailed into my house, but last night I cleaned the kitchen up. I put all of the rags, like the dirty rags,

I put them in the washer and washed and dried them. And I emptied the dishwasher after the, after stuff was done. I cleaned it. I just went around and, and it wasn't to try to have sex. It was, I now know what my wife walks in the door and she, her shoulders drop and she's like, ah, amazing. See what I'm saying? We're creating a world and her vice versa with me. Here's the last thing, Mike, you're not broken for wanting sex while you're married. Just not. And Tara, your body is not yours anymore. You share it. And how old's your little one? Our daughter just turned four. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Yeah. So your body's a jungle gym and it has been for the last four years. Yeah. You're dealing with pregnancy loss. Yeah. You're having that every day, every time you have gas, every time your heartbeat accelerates a little bit, every time you get a weird movement, you're like, oh, is this it? Is this it? Is this it?

Right? Am I right? Is this it? Right? Am I right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Mike, you don't understand how much Tara's not breathing during the day,

holding her breath. Absolutely. Right? Absolutely. And Tara, we could talk about sex. I don't think you know how much Mike loves you.

Yeah. In a crazy way. And I think the only way Mike has been given permission by himself and his upbringing and his culture is I can demonstrate that by having sex with you or going to make a lot of money. Yeah. And would I be right to say, Tara, there's a whole bunch of other things that serve as breaks in your mind and in reality? Oh, yeah. Can you give me two of them real quick? Uh, I mean you were spot on. I was laughing when you were talking about like dishes and like, like literally like the dog's bowl being filled up with food, you know, just like the smallest things. I know it sounds crazy, but it's just like one less thing

I have to do and worry about. So you were just spot on with all of the breaks you were talking about. Like I resonate with those. So I want you guys to go out and have a date. And I want you to spend a week thinking about here are the things that really turn me on. And here are the things not that turn me off, like bad breath or right. You're like, you haven't showered. Not like that. Turn me off. But prohibit me, keep me from getting in the mood okay and i want

y'all to write those down and what you're going to do is give each other a roadmap to each other okay and that's different than hey can we have can we like start with oral sex and then go to regular sex and then move that's that's that's peripheral you'll get to those spots. But before that, what if we created a world that I walk in and my shoulders drop, and then we can say, are you up for it tonight? You want to party? And she's like, I'll party. Or we can party, but I'm going to barf on you. And Mike is like, that's a risk I'm willing to take, right?

Right. But Tara, imagine a world where you go to put your four-year-old down and you get done singing the song and you come out and the dishes are taken care of and the dog's taken care of. And Mike, the whole time you're like, I've been working all day, boss. I don't know, who gives a crap? This is about creating a world for your wife. And Mike, you're honest about, here's the things that turn me on.

A text message in the morning, a morning hug, sexy text messages throughout the day. And maybe Tara, you got to put text reminders on your calendar, whatever it is. But let's work through creating a world outside of the bedroom. And I've just heard it over and over and over and over and over that often the bedroom issues

begin to magically, not magically, very practically transform themselves. We'll link to the book in the show notes, but I want you two guys to pick it up today. It's your Christmas present to yourselves. Read that book in the show notes, but I want you two guys to pick it up today. That's your Christmas present to yourselves. Read that book all the way through and it's gonna be eyeopening for you, Tara, who grew up in a no touch, no discussion home. And Mike, you are gonna get a humanity behind the pornography that you consume

since you were five in a way that you probably have never imagined. Never imagined. Go check it out. Thank you all for calling. Hey, call back anytime. I'd love to have you all on. If you all try this out,

you'll have the brakes and gas pedal conversation and it fails spectacularly, call me back and I'll have you on the show and we'll talk through it. Or if it starts working and slowly leaning in the right direction, I'd love to have that conversation too. And we can get more concrete examples about sex. We can go in on whatever avenue you want to go to,

but I love that y'all are having the question. And man, talk about an amazing example of what life after infidelity can look like. Two people who said, let's rebuild the whole thing from the floor up. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show, and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers, and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about

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All right, let's go out to Utah and talk to Chrissy. What's up, Chrissy? Hi, how are you, Dr. John? Partying. What are you up to? Oh, you know, just living another day in paradise. Very cool. Lehigh, Utah. That's where paradise happens. I don't know. I just moved here over the summer, so I'm still trying to convince myself that's true. Oh, you just moved there this summer? Yeah. All right. So you went through summer in one of the most

beautiful places in the world and you're about to go through winter. Yeah. I think it's a whopping 25 degrees outside. So I went on a hunting trip. I went on a hunting trip out in that area in February and of last year, I guess earlier this year. And when I called and said, hey, how cold is it going to be? Guy goes, eight. Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate. Yeah, that was from a Texas boy. That was not cool. All right. So what's up? How can I help? So just to give a little context, the reason why I moved to Utah actually is I is I got married in July, and me and my husband have blended families. He has three kids from his previous marriage, and I have one. So now we have three boys and one girl all together.

How old? The oldest is 10. The next one will be nine next month. Mine just turned eight, and our youngest is six. Oh, good. Oh man. Amazing. Y'all should start saving for college. That's going to be a rough few years. Okay. So 10, nine, eight, six. Okay. All right. And I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to make blending a family a little bit easier, if that makes sense. Because everyone talks about it, but I don't know if anyone really knows what's happening other than their outside perspective.

Yeah, give me, where do things stand right now? Y'all are about six months in. Where do things stand? now? Y'all are about six months in, where do things stand? It has gotten better. The first month was so hard. And I just felt like no matter what I did, I was failing these kids because me and my husband got divorced over similar situations. And so his ex-wife kind of dropped out of the picture, leaving behind these three beautiful kids. And then my ex-husband was kind of emotionally abusive,

not to my son, but just to me. And so I just feel like there's a ton of baggage going into this relationship, right? Yes, correct. I kind of went in with the attitude of, I'm going to fix this. No! It made me go crazy is the lesson I've learned in that.

Often when we say the words, I'm going to fix this, what our bodies do instinctively is we hold on tighter. Oh, yes. And the opposite has to be true. And I'll walk you through why. And there's a lot of neuroscience here and a lot of nervous system work, like Dr. Porges. I mean, the lot here, I'm going to paint it as simple as I can make it, okay? Okay. And let's go ahead and be honest and call out what you said at the very beginning.

I haven't had a blended family. So I'm only speaking from what the literature says, what my colleagues say, and what my friends who've tried it have reported. So I'm still speaking as an outsider. I think it's important to call out there. All right. So you have a 10, a 9, an 8, and a 6-year-old. Three boys and a girl tossed in there, right? Yes, sir.

I said that like Sandlot. And a girl, right? But you've got three boys and a girl tossed in there, right? Yes, sir. I said that like Sandlot, and a girl, right? But you've got three boys and a girl, right? Okay, so I want you to keep a couple of words in mind always, always, always. This will be for you and your husband, okay? Stability, stability, stability. Routine, predictability. Things that they can count on. Everything in their world has fallen down, but we often think of falling down like a house collapsing. That's not what fell here. The house did fall, but what crumbled is the foundation,

the sidewalk that they walk on. Everything they know. And a lot of times you and your husband are adults. Y'all can quickly get on a new footing. Kids cannot. They absorb the footing from the adults in their life. And so what we often do when people blend families is they spend a lot of time on the house part. Whose room? What's the decorations? Let's do fun things.

And what the kids need is routine, routine, predictability, stability, stability, stability. That often means that mom and dad have to go to counseling to regulate their nervous system, to learn how to have peace because the kids are absorbing every ounce of energy you're putting out into the world. Okay, so everything I'm gonna tell you going forward is guided by one word, stability. How can me and my husband create stability and predictability? Now, he might be an over-the-road trucker.

He may travel a lot. He may travel a lot. You may travel a lot. You may be on call because you're a nurse. That's all fine, but there is a routine to, oh, mom just got called out, so here's what we do. My kids and my wife, I travel a lot. I'm always on the road. And my wife and kids, when dad's gone, here's what we eat.

Here's how we do bedtime. It's their own little world they've created. It's amazing, but it's stability, stability's what we eat. Here's how we do bedtime. It's their own little world they've created. It's amazing, but it's stability, stability. Okay. That's the next one. So here's the next one. I want you to consider outbursts are simply unregulated bodies trying to adjust. So what does that mean? Expect anger, Expect the opposite, which is insane compliance. Uber compliance, which is a trauma response too sometimes. Explain you're not, I mean, expect you're not my mom. I don't want to be here.

I hate you. Go back to wherever it is you came from. Mom, I hate these boys. Why do we have a girl here? All that is, is a 10, a nine, an eight, and a six-year-old's body's trying to make sense of new oxygen. Okay? They're not asses. They're kids.

Right. And what we do is we take the words they say and the tone they use and we transport it to adulthood. And if an adult talked to us that way, they'd be an ass. Right. These are nine-year-olds, six-year-olds, okay? Their bodies are simply trying to adjust.

That doesn't mean we don't let them, we let them run wild. They're not feral. But that means we don't hold them to adult standards yet because they're kids and everything in their world has been blown up. Okay. Right. So imagine, okay, well, I'll just go into the next one. Go very slow. This is the next one. And by the way, we're going to clip this and if possible, we'll clip it and we're going to send it to you right away in its raw unedited form. That way you guys can have this right away and we'll have to wait

a month for it to come out. Okay. So you don't have to take notes. You can just, we can just talk. I want you to go very slow. A lot of like, you're like six months. We should have this thing together. Their whole world exploded. Right. Okay. It exploded. Your, your new boys, their mom said, I don't want y'all. Right. Which would crush anybody. Anybody. But that's not just a psychological crushing. That's not because when I say psychological crushing, you can't just go, yeah, but I'm here. That's not how that works. It destroyed their heart, their heart rhythms, their nervous system. Right. Your daughter grew up in a home where mom was not safe.

She has absorbed how to navigate a potentially like volcanic man. That's in her body. And so she's going to have to learn what a loving guy looks like and feels like. It's just going to take time. Okay. Okay. So go slow. Here's the next one. Never, ever, ever, ever talk bad about their parents. Right. For sure. You know that, but i just want to reiterate they know that half of them is you and half of them is their dad or half of them is your new husband half of them is the mom that left right and so if it's like well your mom did it right it's a sideways diss on the kids it's not not a sideways. It's a hammer to their head.

It's crushing. Yes, it's crushing to a child. That's why these divorces that are so contentious where kids are used as collateral is, I mean, you're ruining a hundred years of lineage when you do that, if not more. Oh, for sure. It's just abusive. It is. And that's kind of what made me decide to get married again is a couple years ago. I think my son was maybe six at the time. And I can't remember what even happened, but I got him back from his dad.

And his dad just said something kind of snarky and rude. And I was like, ugh, he's such a butthead every time. And we got home and my son could tell, just like you said, he just absorbed my emotions right into his soul and was like, what's wrong, mommy. And I was like,

Oh, I'm just annoyed with daddy. And it was such an aha moment for me that I was like, my son doesn't deserve to be my emotional support animal. I can't do that to him. Good for you. And husband doesn't get that anymore. He left.

He left. He didn't get that anymore. He doesn't deserve that. Nope. Your new husband does. He can annoy the crap out of you. Old husband, he cashed out. Right?

Right. If you don't go to, if you take all your money, withdraw it from the bank, and you deposit in a new bank, that old bank doesn't get to tell you what to do with your money anymore. Period. Right. Okay. All right. So let's go to the next one real quick.

I want you all to create a Who We Are board. I want you to go to Michaels or Hobby Lobby, something like that, and get a canvas. And I want you all to get music. The kids get to pick the music. And if they're already savvy enough, they get to pick the playlist. And you and your husband get to add a few songs that are just ridiculous songs that y'all love.

Like whatever ridiculous, Poison or Dwight Yoakam, like whatever songs y'all grew up with, just ridiculous. But we're going to create an evening. And I'm going to pretend your last name is Smiths, okay? We're going to create the Smiths. Here's who we are. And we're going to hang this somewhere where everybody can see it. And like the Delonys is we say yes to adventures, hospitality.

We treat each other with dignity and respect. And we're about to redo it. We did it when my daughter was super, super, super young, so she couldn't. And we're about to redo it. We did it when my daughter was super, super, super young, but so she couldn't participate. We're about to do it again. But here's why that's so important. They now can have a touchstone that they can see that they're a part of something that is being built that is new. Okay. It's kind of like when they're building a building, they hang an American flag out on the big cranes out there. It's one of these things like that's new,

and it's under this banner. Also, when the 10-year-old smarts off to you, you're not my mom, I hate you. You point back and say, hey, the Smiths treat each other with dignity and respect, and you're allowed to be frustrated. I get that. You cannot talk to to be frustrated. I get that. You cannot talk to the adults in this house like that.

That's not who we are. And then when they, like, when you violate one of the who we are, one of our core values, you are opting out. You are choosing to leave. Okay. And so like last night,

my daughter had a thing with, she was acting in a certain way. And I said, Hey, come here real quick. And I brought her real close and we're eye level. I was sitting down and she walked eye level and I whispered into her ear. So as not to embarrass her,

I said, Hey, if you talk like that again, you are choosing to leave the room. And we don't like it when you're not with us. We want you here, but you can choose to leave, which is different than me kicking her out. Hey, you can't talk to us. Get out, go to your room. Because then I've just, I've just done what their mom did. I've just done what their dad did. I've showed them there is a line that you can't cross.

If you cross it, I don't love you anymore. You're out of my presence. And my kids, I want them to learn at a very young age, I will never send you out of my presence. You can opt out. If you come into my house intoxicated, acting, whatever, you're telling me I don't want to be here. Because that's not who we are. But you're going to hold the keys as to whether you're in relationship with me because your old man will love you to the moon and back and I'll come get you wherever you are. See the difference there? I do. That's a big difference. It's a huge difference. I never thought of it that way. Okay. So expect them to be bananas, expect them to be jerky and expect them to look at you and say, are y'all going to leave

too? And in fact, I'm going to push you to see if you will. And then they're just opting out. All right. Here's the last thing I'll throw with you. I'll throw a couple at you real quick. Conversation journals with each kid. They worked with some kids, some, some, not so much, but everybody gets a spiral on their bed and they get to write in it and you'll respond every night and put it back on their bed when they're at school. Oh, that's cute. And it's just a way to, especially with younger kids. And actually it's worked with teenagers who won't talk to their parents, but they might just write today didn't suck so bad.

Today I was happy. That's it. I may be all I put. And you can write a paragraph. Today I thought of you and I started laughing because that thing you said last night, you're hilarious. I saw how hard you were working at this thing and it just brings me so much joy. Whatever, like we're gonna have this dialogue back and forth. Again, one or two of your kids will be like, this is stupid, I'm not writing this.

A couple of your kids, it'll latch onto them. If you can, intentional time with each kid, that's tough, especially when they're this young. It's just hard. It might be five minutes on the front porch. And it might be you with a 10-year-old, like, no, no, no, we have tea time at night. Everybody away. We get seven minutes of tea time. And we're just going to have an evening cup of tea or an evening ice cream, whatever the thing is. But we have seven minutes, nine minutes. It didn't have to be an hour, right? Here's the last two.

If possible, give the other parent opportunity to win with the opposite kids. What could that look like? What if you took two of the boys or the three boys out to buy a Christmas present for their mom? That sounds insane. And you'd have to be a super emotionally regulated adult to do that. To admit your husband had a family before y'all got together. To admit that these kids are still connected to their mom, even though their mom doesn't treat them with love and respect. Now that may not work in your house, but give them an opportunity. What you're showing them, not by your words, but by your actions, I'm not at war with you, with your parents, with your mom. I want her to win. I want y'all to love her. And they stop feeling this sense of disloyalty to her every time they're nice to you. Ah, I see.

And your kids stop feeling disloyal to their dad every time they're nice to your new husband. It's like, no, no, no, we're on the same team. If your husband took your two kids out, six is old, I don't know how old your son is, but hey, we're going to buy a cool present for your dad. I mean, that's like money in the bank. Wow. See what I'm saying? And listen, your husband, I mean, your ex may talk crap about your new husband.

He sucks. Next year, he sucks. Next year, he sucks. Your kids, over time, you're playing a 10 or 15-year game. They will get it. They'll slowly go, oh, I'm being raised by a man who's very secure, treats people with dignity.

My dad is immature and rude and ugly. I don't want to be there. I don't feel safe in there anymore. See what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not an instant gratification kind of game.

No. Hey, once you're divorced and you have kids, instant gratification's over. That leads me to my last point. Don't take anything, anything, anything personally. So hard. I can't think of something harder.

Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally how his ex-wife talks about you. She's not well, that's okay. Don't take it personally how your ex-husband is threatened by this new amazing family you're building from scratch. He opted out. Don't take it personally what a 10-year-old says to you

or when that 10-year-old becomes 14, I'm not going to take anything personally. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. The only person who has permission to hurt me personally is my new husband. That's it and vice versa. Kids don't get that kind of vote. They can learn that, hey, you can't say that, my new husband. That's it. And vice versa. Kids don't get that kind of vote. They can learn that,

hey, you can't say that. It's disrespectful. Or you can say, I'm choosing to be hurt by what you said. But they're not going to hold the keys to your kingdom like that because you're the adult and you're the regulated one.

So that's a lot I threw at you. I hope that helps. I wish you guys all the best, A, in surviving a Utah winter and building an amazing, amazing new blended family. It takes time. It goes slow. There's a lot there.

You guys can do it. And thank you so much for your heart, Chrissy. All right. We will be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, this song is called Rise and Fall by Daniel Renstrom.

A lot of the music on this record is performed by the one and only James Childs, if you're one of the OG17. You'll remember as the original producer on the show that he clearly did not have an alliance and Kelly destroyed him. He's no longer on the show. Ha ha.

Well formed. Well done, Kelly. Song's called Rise and Fall by Daniel Renstrom and it goes like this. The dawn of the light is breaking tonight at the birth of this dangerous boy. As shepherds and kings bow down and sing at the birth of this dangerous boy. Many will rise and fall at the birth of this king.

Those who oppose stumble on this stone at the birth of this dangerous king. But many will hear, believing in fear, will hope in this dangerous king. This is actually a song about Kelly. The in this dangerous king. This is actually a song about Kelly. The dangerous, dangerous king. Hey, I love you guys. Have a good Christmas. We'll be right back.