The Dr. John Delony Show - My New Husband Told His Friends I’m Not Attractive

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Today we hear from a man wondering what boundaries will protect his commitment with his girlfriend to wait for sex until marriage, a woman hesitant to tell her curious son the specifics of her dad’s horrific suicide, and a new wife shocked and hurt after overhearing her husband tell friends he doesn’t find her attractive. Lyrics of the Day: "In My Room" - The Beach Boys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Well, I overheard my husband's friend and him making fun of me. She insisted on asking him if he felt like he had downgraded on his ex. And he said maybe oh gosh what's up this is john with the dr john deloney show man it's good to see you it's good to be with you. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. And leave a message.

It'll go to an answering machine. Leave a message. Let us know what's going on, and we will holler back grill at you. Unless you ain't no holler back grill, and then I don't know what we're going to do. Or you go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you can fill it in. Also, if you've got good news, send that, please. Please send good news. This show is so heavy, and we want to have some good news.

If you've got somebody in your life that's awesome and you want to write a letter about them, I'll read it on the air. Send it. Or if you want to send me mail. Man, I used to get handwritten letters all the time, and I've gotten a few of them. So send me some letters. I like getting mail. It's just fun. It's like it's the 1400s or something. I don't know. It's not really. It's like it's the 90s, I guess. Anyway, if you want to be on the show, give us a buzz. Looking forward to it. Let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Michael in, dude, here in town. What's up, Michael?

Hey, John. How are you doing this morning? Partying, brother. What are you up to? Well, I'm out at work, and I feel like I'm swimming in a hot tub because of how humid it is, but I'm getting through it. It would be really cool if you actually clean hot tubs for a living, and you're actually

swimming in a hot tub, but I get what you're saying. I'd rather not, honestly. That was a terrible joke I just made. Man, that was brutal. Sorry. All right. So what's up, dude? No hot tub related questions, but what's up?

Yeah. So pretty simple question. Luckily for you, it's not a dark topic. We'll keep it somewhat happy today. I'm kind of forward looking. Dark topic. Somewhat happy today. Kind of forward looking. So the question is about my girlfriend and I. We're both in college.

She's going to graduate this December, it looks like. And I'll be graduating summer 2023. What are you studying, man? I'm doing business administration. And right now she's doing political science. And she's going to end up going to law school So we actually both met you In 2019 So I'll leave it at that

Did I visit, was I speaking at your school Or did I work at your school? You did, yeah Very cool man, was I lame? Probably kinda No, you were awesome actually My mom was like so impressed with you. Actually, I can't remember.

I think we talked with you in one of the buildings after and you were like, oh, I'm so happy that it went well. I don't want to be impressed by your mom. Okay, cool. I'm glad that I wasn't an idiot in 2019. There's other people who could call and be like, I knew you in 2019. You're a moron. But that makes me happy,

Michael. All right, so you and your girlfriend, she's about to go to law school, about to graduate. You're going to graduate in a year or so. Okay, so what's up? So we've been dating about seven months. We're both Christians. And I'll get to the question here. So we both want to know how to go about waiting until marriage um, and how to live a clean relationship. Um, how like we should hold each other accountable, how we should set boundaries,

that type of thing. And the reason I'm, I'm kind of the one asking this more than she is, I guess I kind of brought it up, but the reason is I've never really had, uh, like a serious relationship. I mean, I'm in my twenties now, so I'm taking stuff more seriously, like long-term, uh, shoes as well. Um, the only other relationship I've had was in high school, like five years ago and it's lasted a few months. So, um, I've, I've, this is kind of a new road for me and, um, actually going about setting boundaries or kind of holding each other accountable in that sense. Um, it's kind of wondering what your thoughts were with that. Cool, man. So first and foremost, good for you for setting boundaries

and saying, hey, this is a value of mine and this is a value of hers and we're going to have this discussion. Here's why this is super important. Let's say she ends up being the person that you marry. These values discussions will come up over and over for the rest of your life. And so developing now a framework for how are we going to engage in values-based conversations is incredible.

If she doesn't, by the way, values meaning is mom going to come live with us or dad going to come live with us? Or are we going to still talk to mom or dad if they get divorced? Or how are we going to raise kids? Or do we going to get talk to mom or dad if they get divorced or how are we going to raise kids or do we going to get this streaming service? I mean, all these different values are going to come up over and over and over and over and over again. The second thing is, is if y'all break up, I almost said, if y'all break up, great. I don't mean great like that, right? I hope y'all don't. I hope it all works out. But you will have had a hard conversation, like a values-based conversation, which is just super important to have. Okay.

So before I answer this, I want to challenge one word that you said. Okay. And I wrote it down here. Okay. I don't like characterizing any – I don't like characterizing relationships in clean or dirty. Okay? Okay. like characterizing relationships in clean or dirty okay and so the clean is often a derivative of pure right and i get the sentiment in christian circles you generally right and and it can be any relationship i want to keep it quote unquote pure by not fill in the blank when it comes to sexual activity, okay?

There's just a lot of downstream baggage because what ends up happening is if y'all end up making out one night and it crosses a line that y'all had said is a value, are you now unclean? Are you now unpure? Are you now dirty? What do you have to do, right? And so now we're getting to all this identity. So I want to back out of that language for a second. Okay.

And I want to wrap the language around honoring and consent. Okay. And so the way I'd approach this conversation, quite honestly, is pretty simple. And I wouldn't overthink it. I would have a conversation and said, what are you comfortable with? And I need to tell you what I'm comfortable with. That's her telling you her needs and you telling her your needs. And saying, here's where I'm not willing to compromise

and where are you not willing to compromise? What's okay, what's not okay? And this is who we are moving forward. And since we're Christians and we decide that we want to not sleep together until we're married, what does that actually mean to not sleep together until we're married, what does that actually mean? I've met people who don't hold hands. I've met people all the way down the continuum. So what does that actually mean for y'all? And then it comes to, so we're

talking about consent. What's okay, what's not okay. And then we're going to talk about how are we going to hold each other accountable? I don't want to overthink that. Just don't put yourself in that situation, right? So people are often like, yeah, but how do I, you know, just, I mean, don't put yourself in that situation. The more you overthink it, the more likely you're to create some really complex system. And the more complex the system, as the great Nassim Taleb says, the more likely it is that system will fail you, okay? Right. So make it pretty cut and dry, clean and simple.

She said, this is her values, this is her lines, these are my values, these are my lines, ta-da. And if we feel like we're about to cross one of those lines, we're gonna stop, someone's gonna pull the ripcord, someone's gonna say, that's enough and I'm not gonna get my feelings hurt, I'm not gonna get mad, I'm gonna honor, right? I'm gonna be about honoring her needs, she's gonna be honoring I'm not going to get my feelings hurt. I'm not going to get mad. I'm going to honor, right? I'm going to be about honoring her needs.

She's going to be honoring my needs. And we're going to move forward with this thing. So really it's about having the hard conversation up front, which is, hey, this is a value of mine. And this is a value of hers. So let's create some boundaries and create them together. I can give you some, but they end up sounding like I'm some kind of 80s youth minister, okay?

And I don't want to be that guy. But I mean, if you're trying not to have sex with your girlfriend of seven months or a year, then don't put yourself in situations where you're going to have sex with your, you could have, you see what I'm saying?

Right. It's, it's not, it's as not complex as that. So I gave you a kind of a simple answer. Hopefully I'm not by, I'm not skirting the issue. Ask me more direct questions if I didn't get there. No, I mean, that's pretty much it.

We just like, there's been times where I'm like, ah, man, like, I got close or, you know, something like that. And I feel like some guilt over it. Kind of like, oh, man, I shouldn't have done that. And then kind of like sticks with me for a little bit. And then it finally like passes over and I'm like, you know what, let's just move on like it happened, you know, moving forward. How do I not do that?

Here's what's important. Remember the old Brene Brown quote, shame eats secrets for breakfast. If you cross a line, an established value line between you and your romantic partner, between you and your business partner, between you and your professor, between you and your parents, whatever that is, you cross somebody's value line.

You don't just wait till it passes. You address it. Hey, last night we were making out and we've got this line and we both flew past our value line and we found ourselves in way deeper water than we'd meant to. And we almost crossed our ultimate boundary line that we've set for ourselves.

I'm sorry if I put you in an uncomfortable position and let her speak back to you. And she might say, I'm sorry for putting you in an uncomfortable position. And then y'all can say, what do we want to do next? Right? Not just you go home and be quiet. She goes home and be quiet and is quiet. And you both just don't address it. Because here's the thing that will, that will resurface at some point. And it might resurface five years down the road, 10 years down the road, 15 years down the road, it will resurface. So have the conversation. Okay. Um,

are you in a position to do that with her? You feel safe enough to do that? Great. Yeah. And we, and we've done things similar to that. Um, but hearing you say it kind of, you know, it's kind of like one of those things where like, Oh, I've done that. But now that I hear like you explain it, it kind of, you know, it's kind of like one of those things where like, oh, I've done that, but now that I hear like you explain it, it kind of puts even like what I've done in a more clear sense of how to go about doing it,

I guess. So let me, let me, so it's people listening to this are going to have a few reactions. One, what a bunch of idiots. They're been dating for a year or seven months in college. What? Two,

the whatever branch of Christianity, they'll come at you for all different angles. Right? So I want to take it out of sex because sex is a highly, it's just a charged conversation. And let's take it over to another situation.

In college, I was a hothead. I was a loudmouth. Big shocker, right? And I've actually had quite a bit of transformation personally at how I used to be. I used to be a loudmouth moron, way more so than I am now. And if I was at a concert and I was with my wife, who was my girlfriend then,

or I was with any woman at a concert, one of my great stories is I saw somebody like body check a woman. I saw a big guy body check a woman in the middle of a, like a, it's not really a mosh pit, but kind of. And I just snapped. I sprinted across the room. And it was funny because another guy who ended up being friends with he was on the other side of the room and saw it from the other side and we both ended up right so i was that guy i was trying to be social justice guy all the time and defending people but i was always looking for fights and especially when i was with my girlfriend like it was my job to be where and one day my my wife said, or who the woman is, my wife is not my girlfriend. She said, I feel less safe when you act like that.

And I was like, what? Right. That was one of, I was one of my values was to protect and defend and show honor and all this stupid nonsense, macho bull crap. And her value was she wants to date somebody and marry somebody who makes her feel safe. And me running around looking for fights or looking for something to get involved in to be tough, that made her feel less safe. And so suddenly, I had to change my actions. I had to change my behaviors. We had to sit down and talk about this because I thought I was doing something right that we were on the same page. We were not. Okay. And I'm pointing that back to you now. One of both of you may have crossed a value line y'all have set for yourselves. And one of both of you, she might have thought, oh, maybe he doesn't want to have

this value anymore. And he wants to sleep with me tonight. So, okay, I'm in. Or you had that thought, or maybe you thought, oh, I know we set this boundary, but maybe we can just keep pushing it and pushing it. You got to go back and both of you have to be honest with one another. Like my girlfriend, who's now my wife, did tell me, like, I feel less safe. And I know you're trying to keep me safe, but the way you're trying to keep me safe makes me feel less safe. So here's how I would feel more safe. If you see a fight about to happen, then you grab my hand and we leave. That makes me feel very safe. That makes me feel less safe. So here's how I would feel more safe. If you see a fight about to happen, then you grab my hand and we leave. That makes me feel very safe. That makes me feel like you are honoring me. And I was like, Ooh, okay. So y'all have that similar conversation.

When I'm a, when I, one of y'all starts hitting the gas on it, it makes me, it would honor me more if you stood up and said, Hey, let's go for a walk. Okay. You see what I'm saying? Yes, hey, let's go for a walk. Okay. You see what I'm saying? Yes, sir. Let's have the conversation about the values. And by the way, let's get at, at the end of the day, why do we want to honor one another until we're married? If we're trying to keep up just a behavior, it's going to always fall flat.

Is it to honor your faith heritage? Or is there a level deeper than that? It's to honor the person I'm with. Or it's to honor the institution of marriage. Or it's to honor, like, why are you doing these things? Have that conversation with one another. Why are we doing this?

What's the point of this value? And then let's go from there. Awesome, Michael. I'm, hey, I'm, it's awesome that you're this age having conversations with other people that you care about, about values and about how we're going to live these values out. Don't overthink them and make them about consent and honor.

Okay? Man, she's lucky to have you. Talk to you soon. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the

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Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Mel in Fort Worth. What's up, Mel? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? Partying. I'm not partying. I'm at work. I'm not. I don't know why I say that all the time.

I'm doing great. How about you? We're doing really good. Really, really good. Awesome. All right, so what's up? Okay. Okay. So my husband and I feel really strong about being a family that always tells the truth, but in age appropriate ways so that we're kind of always exchanging innocence for wisdom. Love it. So we spend a lot of time because my family lives all over the world. We talk a lot about my family and my husband's family. So my seven-year-old has a really strong sense of family with relatives he barely ever sees. And he's also learning our history, which is pretty cool.

But the issue that we're now facing is my son is asking a lot of questions about my dad. And my husband and I don't know how to answer his questions about his death in an age-appropriate way. Because the truth about his death is really heavy that most adults have a really hard time grasping. And for that reason, my siblings have chosen to tell their kids an alternative ending, but that doesn't, that doesn't sit right with my husband and I.

I also feel like I might be a little bit further along in my healing process with all of it. Like I'm really well and whole and complete in who I am today. And I want my son to be able to kind of see what can happen on the other side of living through unimaginable circumstances. So a quick picture of my dad. He was a child who grew up during the last world war. His family managed to escape. They were the first family in many months not to be shot, leaving behind half of one extended family. And we've never, ever talked to that side ever again.

So that really affected him growing up. And then when I was a kid, he was finally diagnosed with being bipolar. He had a psychiatrist, he took medication, but it didn't really help at all. So living under his house was very scary and very unpredictable. And then when I was 17, he laid out all his personal effects on the bed around dinner time, because that's when he knew my mom would call for him. And he went into the backyard and set himself on fire. So my husband and I want to be very careful and mindful about how we choose to share this with my son, who's seven and he's seven. I'm a big boy. I can know information.

I'm really brave mom. I'm not afraid to say that he took his own life and they had mental illness. I know how to talk about that stuff. It's the followup questions that we feel really lost on how, how to answer that. Yeah. So I'm going to answer that really quick and then we'll circle back. that. Yeah. So I'm going to answer that really quick and then we'll circle back, okay?

Yeah. The quick of it is, is when you're telling a seven-year-old something, you're not not telling them, you are taking ownership of what you want to talk about. And you're modeling for them that you have autonomy over the things that you want to think about and talk about,

which is a gift. It's one of the cornerstones of being mentally well. And so instead of saying, you're only seven, you're too young, we'll tell you when you get older. Instead of saying that, it was really painful for mommy and I'm choosing to not talk about it right now. One day I'll talk about it, but today I'm choosing to not talk about it. And that conversation's over.

Okay. And that is a gift to your kid. Yes. And kudos to you, high five to you, somersaults and cartwheels to you for not lying to your children. There will be hell to pay for your brothers and sisters' choices. And it will come out in weird ways.

But a fundamental piece of their core identity they've chosen to hide, which perpetuates trauma. And when you say they were shot, was there a history like in concentration camps? They escaped through a border through the woods. Okay. Yeah. So the studies were actually done on that community that lived through that mess. Yeah. Discussed generational trauma that comes from just living and breathing and drinking the water of pure evil, which is what people who survived the Holocaust, the whole mess, had to do.

And so there's, yeah, they're kicking the can down the road. And good for you guys for not. So you're going to balance that with, by the way, the language I would use is daddy my dad granddad died by suicide which is different than he took his own life right dad died by suicide

he's very very sick and I don't really want to talk about it anymore well how what did he do I don't choose to talk about that right now one day I will but it still makes me very sad

and I'm just going to end it right there I'm not going to apologize I'm not going to explain or whatever and you were teaching your child a powerful lesson there um circling back lighting yourself on fire is a middle finger is it not yeah yeah it was it was totally he was practicing the day before the neighbor saw small fires in the day, it was a big F you because my siblings and I all put down boundaries with him because he was so toxic and unwell. Um, that I had stopped talking to him a year and a half before he died and we live

in the same house cause he was just so unhealthy. Yeah. And, um, you're healed from that. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Good. Yeah. I'm totally healed from that. I just, you're able to talk to me about it and your heart's not beating faster right now. Yeah, no. Like I'm, I'm totally healed from that. I just... You're able to talk to me about it and your heart's not beating faster right now. Yeah, no. I want to be able to tell my son the truth because who I am on the other side of this is pretty unusual.

So let me tell you this. Here's the important... And I know I'm asking you to walk a razor's edge here. This is hard, okay? Yeah. Don't make your need to tell a burden that your child

has to carry. Absolutely. There's a fine line there between I don't want to tell the truth and he can't know this because he's only seven. He does not need a picture of a burning man in the backyard. He doesn't need that in his head. No. One day you can have that hard conversation. That doesn't need that in his head. One day

you can have that hard conversation. That's a much later in life hard conversation. Yes, I agree. Do you have any guidance for when we have that conversation? He's not age appropriate now. Yeah, exactly. I would, kind of thinking about it

like a gas pedal, I'm slowly, or maybe depressing the gas pedal or slowly letting the gas off, right? So I'm going to start with daddy died. My dad died. And I don't choose to talk about it when they're three or four. And maybe six or seven or eight,

depending on the wisdom of a child, every kid is differently. I have different conversations with my son than I do with my daughter. Just do, right? And death for my daughter was pretty abstract late until, I mean, she was five or six. My son's beloved dog died when he was three and a half.

And we took that dog out into my buddy's ranch and we dug the hole ourselves. And we prayed over that dog and we sung to that dog and we talked about it and we buried that dog together. My son had a visceral experience with death when he was three and a half. And what was beautiful was that was a touchstone for us for years, still is, remember how?

And then we went to the first funeral, but when does granddad get up? Remember back with Maria, the dog? Granddad's not gonna get up because he's passed away. He's dead now. And so we were able to like, okay, right? So it became a touchstone, became an important part. My daughter, I wasn't going to kill something just to show her dead body, right?

And her first experience was a funeral. And that's been hard for her because she's told me I still see that picture. My son doesn't have that. He didn't have that replay. She does. And so I know I'm going to be a little more sensitive as she gets older, but then maybe 12, 15, 16, somebody in your son's life might die by suicide, right? Or somebody's parent might pass. Then it will be, was it a gun? No, it was a pretty violent. It was pretty rough for us to watch. It was hard, really hard. It was very

graphic. And again, I'm still not going to say that. I'm thinking 16, 17, 18, before I say they lit themselves on fire, right? Yeah, absolutely. And that's going to be mental health. Like, I want to make sure my kids are okay and they are not struggling with anxiety or depression or, or, or, or, or, right. I might also begin to give them a context of their history. Here's some of the things that Granddad experienced. Right? Yeah. Here's some stories or here's a children's book about or here's some of Grandma's letters or something like that. We're going to create a

whole... I don't want to tell the story by itself in isolation. Does that make sense? Yes. I want to tell the story as a continuing narrative of here's the life, here's the family tree from which you come from. Yeah. And you can handle, you can not deal

with the trauma and you can be so buried underneath it and not get help and not do the XYZ and or mommy put in the work. Mommy worked really, really,

really hard. And this is what healing can look like. See what I'm saying? Yeah. I feel like we've done a pretty good job of, of leaving enough breadcrumbs, um, to get a picture and a sense of a lot of the stuff.

It's just, we've, we've, he's asked and I said, it's complicated. And, um, I'm just not ready to talk about that with you yet.

And, you know, I won't lie to you. I'll always tell you the truth, but there's just some things that are, you know, I'll tell you when we're ready. Tell him that makes you feel. So he knows he's not crazy. Tell him it still makes mommy sad.

Yeah. Tell him that when I was, when mommy was a child, how old were you? When he died, he was 17. I was 17. Yeah. Tell her that mommy was still a child when it happened. I was still a kid, and it made mommy very scared and very sad, and I don't want to talk about it right now.

And the idea that that will give him permission to be sad and to be scared about things, because my mommy was, and look how tough she is now. You see what I'm saying? So tell him how you feel. Not just don't make it a math problem. Make it a human problem. Yeah. Which is, I can just tell you math problem, make it a human problem. Yeah.

Which is, I can just tell you, he's so lucky to have you. Man, what a gift. Such a blessing, man. It's awesome. No, dude, you're doing it great. And the idea that you're giving him a picture of what healing looks like. Man, it's hard. The road you've

been down is hard, hard, hard. And let me tell you this, as he approaches 17, 14, 15, 16, it's hard. The road you've been down is hard, hard, hard. And let me tell you this, as he approaches 17, 14, 15, 16, it wouldn't surprise me if your body starts sending the alarms. Don't be afraid to continue to stay well and to continue to do the things that you need to do to stay well and to get ahead of things.

If I'm you, when he turns 13, 14, I'm probably gonna go make an appointment with a counselor just to do it. Just check in, get the engine run over, right? Checked over. But I'm probably going to go make an appointment with a counselor just to do it. Just check in. Get the engine run over, right? Checked over. But I'm going to be about modeling what wellness looks like and healing looks like. Because your body is going to set off on you again when it remembers. Like, I remember this.

I remember this. Let's get ahead of that thing and continue to paint such a beautiful picture of healing. And man, just so you know this, generationally down the road, people are going to live differently because of the work you're putting in right now. Such a gift. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October is the season for wearing costumes and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Emma in Welcome to Miami.

What's up, Emma? Hi, Dr. John. How we doing? I'm doing okay. Oh, so not good at all. Not good at all, huh? A little bad. Okay, so fill me in. I Not good at all, huh? A little bad. Okay, so fill me in.

I'm sorry. What's going on? Well, I overheard my husband's friends and him making fun of me. Oh, man. What about? Well, first of all,'re nearly wet after our honeymoon my husband and his friends were having a group video call i chatted with them for a bit and then i excused myself to go for a walk then i made the biggest mistake of my life i forgot something and turned back to get it. But everyone had thought that I'd left. His friends had started to ask him about my looks were still a problem for him.

He told her he loved me and that we had a great honeymoon. Hold on, he told her? Yeah. There you go. All right, sorry, I don't want to interrupt you, continue. Yeah, it was a group of them. So he told her that, you know, I'm beautiful on the inside, despite, you know, him liking lighter skin, slimmer girls.

He told them that we can't have it all, you know? She insisted on asking him if he felt like he had downgraded on his ex. Oh, jeez. Yeah, who was, yeah, light-skinned and slim. And he said, maybe. Oh, gosh! But he said that

I make him happy. And another one of his friends, I'm not sure if she was trying to help, said that maybe it would help a lot if I had lost some weight. I'm not morbidly obese obese or maybe a little chubby.

But right now, nothing feels the same anymore. And I've been ruminating, wishing that I didn't turn back. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, Emma, you did not make the biggest mistake of your life. Okay? You didn't. And I'm heartbroken that this is how you

ended up with this info. But you didn't make a mistake. You didn't screw up anything here, okay? You, my friend, are not at fault here, okay? Now, I'm not saying you're perfect, and I'm not saying you're not, right? You know what I'm saying? But you didn't screw this up, okay?

You're allowed to walk into your own home that you share with your husband. And, golly, I'm just like, my stomach's dropped. I can't imagine the hurt you're feeling right now. So how long ago was this? Five weeks ago. And so my, here's a couple of, well,

so he's not here. Okay. And I've got all kinds of thoughts and all kinds of things running through my head, but he's not here. Um, so the only person I can talk to right now is you. Is that cool?

Mm-hmm. so the only person I can talk to right now is you is that cool? so it would be easy for me to join you and piling up on him but this call is about you and your wellness and so my first question to you is

have you told him? I haven't. I feel embarrassed for turning back and listening as well. And he would feel bad about it, I guess. He should. He should. You don't need to protect him. He's a He should. You don't need to protect him. He's a grown man. He's going to be telling his friends and a bunch of women that, yeah, I had to go with JV here when it comes to the looks department.

Then he can be a grown man and look you in the eye. See what I'm saying? You didn't screw up. You don't need to defend him. He's clearly okay with having conversations about you and your body out to the public. The only person he's not having them with is you, right? Yeah, but it wouldn't change anything because that's how he truly feels right and so the next the next question change certain of my characteristics or

or what society calls physical attractiveness i can weight, but there are other things that I just cannot change about myself. Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Here's the challenge you find yourself in, okay?

He's not telling you the truth about how he feels about you. And you're not telling him the truth about what you know. And what's going to happen in short order, if it hasn't happened already, is that within your home, you live with a threat now. And you're gonna create a special safe cocoon that only you live in.

And he's not gonna know what it is. He's just gonna know that his wife is distant from him. And then he's gonna to be about solving that distance with any number of ways. If he's a person of character, he will continually try to reach out to appeal to your heart and say, why is there distance between us? And if you don't tell him, you're choosing to respond to his lack of character with dishonesty. honesty. Or he might choose to be a scumbag and approach that or try to solve that distance between the two of you by going back to these other women that he has on his video chats and tell them whatever and try to create connections with them. Okay. But the reality is there's a huge

gap in your marriage and no having the conversation isn't going to solve how he feels who cares this isn't about society and this quite honestly isn't about the people on the chat this is about your husband and this is about you

and this is about your marriage and right now you don't feel safe in your own home. You don't feel safe in your own skin. Right? Mm-hmm. You can't live moving forward with this ambiguity. But can he really love me if I'm not

attractive? So when here's the challenge. You heard part of a conversation that sounds awful and I would love to talk to him on the phone one day. Man, I'd love to have this dude on the show.

I'd like to talk to this dude in private quite honestly. Not in a macho kind of way, but I'd love to have this dude on the show um i'd like to talk to this dude in private quite honestly not in a macho kind of way but i'd like to have a conversation with this dude bonehead um but here's reality here's reality is is since as mad as i am and as sensitive as the topic is this you heard a part of a conversation and you have created an entire narrative around the part of the conversation you have without going to him and saying, hey, this is what I heard.

Is that fair? Yeah. So, my wife did not marry Brad Pitt. Close. Close, close. But she didn't, right? And I imagine, I know there are,

because she has told me that I look feral sometimes. Well, that is true. When I get in the hunting season, I don't always bathe and shave and shower. Anyway, so there are seasons when, right? And then there's times that she says, man, when you're dressed up in a suit. She said the worst part about my new job is that when I was working at universities, I wore a suit and tie every day. And she's like, dude, you look good.

Like you look real good. And now you just wear t-shirts and you kind of look like a slob. Right? So here's what I'm telling you. I'm trying to lighten this our conversation a little bit but yes she might have a perfect picture in her head of a professional basketball player who's 6'6 and has great calves and super great muscles i'm not that guy but she'll also tell you that she thinks i'm handsome and she thinks i'm really good looking right that's less of the issue to me.

The bigger issue to me is a deep violation of trust that your husband did's trying to be the cool guy with his friends who are bagging on you and he doesn't come to your defense or maybe he felt like he was coming to your defense by saying yeah you know what she doesn't look perfect but I love her and he doesn't understand how much

that hurts you see what I'm saying and he doesn't understand how much that hurts you. See what I'm saying? And he doesn't understand the existential tailspin that you are in because you married a man that does not believe you are beautiful. And nobody, I don't care who you are, nobody wants to be married to someone who doesn't believe they're beautiful inside and out, right? Yeah. So I think here's what I don't want you to do.

I don't want you to avoid this conversation and wake up in five years and still believe that you're married to a guy that doesn't find you beautiful. And it's less about him. It's more about you don't feel beautiful in his presence. See what I'm saying? That's different than what does he think. Yeah, exactly. How embarrassing is that? And I just, yeah,

oh God, what a, I don't want to talk bad about your husband, but what an idiot. Good grief, man. And here's the other side. I also think it's important for men to have guy friends that they can sit down and have hard truth conversations

with, right? Because I don't want a generation of men who grow up living in silence and then just end up sitting in a recliner cracking a beer every night just to get through the day. They got to have people that they talk about hard things with. But those things that they talk about with their friends have got to, especially when it talks about their wife and their wife's body or their girlfriends and their sexuality, man,

there's got to be some consensus about what's cool to talk about and what's not and where I am and where I'm not. Unfortunately, you've probably heard me say this if you listen to this show, not by your hand, but in your your lap you didn't ask for this and you walked in your home which you do not have to apologize for and you heard your husband talking in a public space in your home that you do not have to apologize for and you re-entered a conversation

you were just in before you went out for your walk you just talked to these two-faced people who were like oh hi great to see you oh my gosh how are you still, right? You had no fault in this, zero. And I'll say fault, but I don't really mean it. The only fault you've had now, and I don't want to say fault because I think you're processing traumas.

What's happening? You're processing really heaviness. The only fault here is that you haven't sitting down and said, I heard this and this hurt me in this way. And so what I would tell you is don't let your husband's failures here rob you of your character and of your beauty and of your strength. Okay? You're worth being loved and you're worth being believed.

You are beautiful. I don't care what society says. That stuff's nonsense, man. It's nonsense. And it may be that your husband is just a sweet, loving guy who's an absolute boneheaded moron. And there's a lot of young men who are like that and they need to be taught.

He may be an absolute character-free idiot. And your life would be better if you made some hard decisions. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay, I just threw a lot at you. Tell me where you are. Well, if we were dating, I know I would have left him. Okay.

What's the best move for Emma? To make Emma feel safe? Make Emma feel loved? To let Emma know that she is beautiful. What's the next step? I guess to accept this and move on. Emma!

Have you listened to anything? No. We're not accepting this. Listen, we're not accepting this and moving on. Okay. Are you in an abusive relationship? Are you safe? No.

Yeah, I am. Okay. If you hadn't have heard this conversation, would you think he loves you deeply? I would. Okay. I really would. Is he worth a conversation? I would want to think so.

Are you worth that conversation? Yes. Okay. Do you promise me you will confront this head on directly? I will. Here's what I want you to do before you have that meeting. I want you to write down what you heard. I want you to write down how you feel.

Because what he's going to say is this. No, you are not a supermodel, but I married you I gave you my everything. I love you Our sex life is good. Our honeymoon was great. I love you everything about what i'm demonstrating here says I love you And that's when you're going to start feeling crazy. And so I want you to have already written down so you can read. Yeah, but you told a group of people that I wasn't beautiful. And now I will, for the rest of my life,

wonder does my husband wish he was somebody else? You told a group of women before because they were checking back in, right? Mm-hmm. Right. It would seem as if they... They've had this conversation before. Yes.

You regularly had conversations with other men and women about not being attracted to me or about my body not being enough. I need you to understand what that did to my insides, to who I look in the mirror and see now. Because now you became just another faceless person in society who judges me because my skin's too dark, who judges me because I don't fit in a size,

fill in the blank, who judges me because, and you were supposed to be my safe place. That's why we got married. You were my safe place and I was yours and you're not safe anymore. You're just like one of them. Okay. I want him to hear that. And in every marriage, there has to be space. There's been times when my wife sat down and said, hey, physical fitness, John, is a big deal to you and your mental health.

And if you don't exercise, you don't think clearly. And if you're not exercising and eating right, you're not okay. And I've noticed like you're having to wear XL shirts now. Like you've gotten, you've put on a lot of weight. I'm worried about you. Big picture, right? We've had that conversation.

And I gave her permission to have that conversation with me. But that's different than I ain't attracted to you because you're too big. You see what I'm saying? There's a very big difference. And so I don't want people to listen to this and say, oh, so you're not, no no you're allowed to have hard conversations You have to have hard conversations

Right, or i'm struggling with attraction right now And here's why but that conversation goes directly to you In a spirit of love and connection not a spirit of blame and judgment and especially doesn't go to all my buddies first And by the way guys listen to this Nobody needs to know what happened on your freaking honeymoon. Shut up. That's yours. Good grief. Keep something sacred for crying out loud, you idiots.

Jeez Louise. I got the greatest guy friends on planet Earth. The greatest guys on planet. They know everything about me. You know what they don't know? What happened on my honeymoon. Because that's mine. That's me and my wife.

Right? Good grief. This is ridiculous. All I have to say, I'm starting to get mad again. I want you to write that stuff out and I want you to let him know, hey, we need to have a hard conversation. Okay? And here's the thing. Emma, if you don't want to be married to him anymore or you need some space from him, you need to be honest with him about that conversation. Okay? Okay.

If you want to stay married to him, but you don't know how just yet, I want you to be honest about that conversation. Like you told me, if we were dating, this is over. I'd be out of here. But I said for better or worse, and we over. I'd be out of here. But I said for better or worse, and we're going to have to figure this out. Unless this is

past or worse. You see what I'm saying? Yes. You may need a girlfriend to sit with you and walk you through this. I mean, not walk you through it, but sit there with you while you do this, okay? But this conversation is really important, and then what happens next is really important. Okay?

Okay. I'll ask you one more time. Do you believe you're worth this conversation? I am. Do you believe him that you deserve a safe place? I do. Okay.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. Do you believe you have zero none none no fault in walking into your own home 99% Emma zero got it got it

yeah zero okay I will tell you this the spirit of the person I'm talking to is stunning Okay. I will tell you this. The spirit of the person I'm talking to is stunning. Okay? Thank you. Stunning. Stunning.

And nobody gets another judgment on you. Got it? Mm-hmm. You're on my team now. Cool? Thank you. All right. Do me this huge favor.

Let me know when you've had this conversation. Write us back. Let us know how it goes. And if he wants to be on the show, if you both want to be on the show about what next, I'd love to have you back. And if he doesn't, cool. Before I let you go, I have to be honest about this. You may have this conversation. He may say, you're right. I made a mistake. We shouldn't

have got married. That could happen. It'll be devastating and hard. And if that happens, know that walking into that room and hearing that conversation was the greatest thing that ever happened to you because you shed yourself of this idiot. And you will find someone who believes in you and who believes that you're beautiful and thinks God every day that they found you, that person exists.

Those people exist, not just one person, like a needle in a haystack. There's bajillions of people. And if you have this hard conversation and he gets down on both knees and says, I screwed up bad. Here's what I meant. I didn't defend you well.

I screwed it up because I was a coward and I'm going to do better. And let me tell you, I've been there. I wish I could say things differently. And I've had to say, I screwed this up and I was a coward and I was a wimp and I fill in the blank here. I want to be better.

I've done that in my marriage several times. And this may be a moment of clarification for your marriage moving forward. He will never, ever talk to those knuckleheads on Zoom call or in person again. Those relationships are over. Because you're not going to be a part of those people's lives. And since y'all are one now, he's not either. And on and on and on.

But this conversation comes with a risk. Either way, you are better on the other end of it. I'm heartbroken for you. And we'll be walking alongside you on this one. Thank you so much for being brave and thank you for the call, Emma. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious

or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, Andrew, we ready? All right, good.

So as we, sorry, I busted in here and I didn't follow the camera guy back there making sure I don't look like an idiot. He has a tough, tough job. As we wrap up today's show, we're going with Kelly's favorite band. She has a secret crush on all of them, the Beach Boys. All of them. All of them.

Song's In My Room, and it goes like this. There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to in my room. In this world, I lock out all my worries and my fears in my room. Do my dreaming and my scheming lie awake and pray. Do my crying and my sighing laugh at yesterday. Now it's dark and I'm alone, but I won't be afraid

in my room. Maybe leave your room and find some friends. Go talk to other people. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. How do you have the, this is where babies come from, with a child that has been sexually abused

without it being a trigger? Thank you for loving the kids in your community. Take them on home. That puts you in rare error. Is it okay that I don't really desire any new friendships because of how much I enjoy spending time with my wife? What I've seen happen over and over and over, and over time what happens pebble by pebble by pebble, is they drown their spouse in their friendship. One of the most common questions I get is, what is gaslighting?

I get enraged. I get so frustrated and angry.