The Dr. John Delony Show - My Parents Are Disrespecting Our Boundaries as Newlyweds

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode A man I sponsored in AA recently committed suicide As newlyweds, how do I set boundaries with my parents? Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson We have a 2-year-old son with physical special needs and 4-year-old typically developing daughter. How do I keep her from being jealous about the amount of time and attention he gets and how do we keep from spoiling him? Lyrics of the Day: "Angel" - Aerosmith   As heard on this episode:  dreamcloudsleep.com/delony BetterHelp Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: suicide/self-harm, substance abuse, addiction, boundaries, family, grief, disagreement/conflict, special needs, parenting   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a man who's heartbroken because his buddy took his own life. We talk to a new wife who's trying to set boundaries with her parents. We talk to a mom of two young kids who's trying to separate loving them and jealousy among siblings. Stay tuned. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, a show for you, about you, by you. It's a college-driven show where we talk about real challenges in real people's lives. Folks I've never met before who are calling from all over planet Earth to check in and walk alongside me and me walk alongside you

as we try to figure out what's going on with our mental health, our relationships, and schools, and parenting, grief, all of it, right? All of it. So, so glad you joined us. There's about 11 billion podcasts and you picked this one, so I'm so grateful for you. For those of you who are listening to this at one and a half speed or two speed, I recognize I talk fast. My buddy of mine

was like, man, you talk so fast. And then I asked him if he was watching it at one X or, I mean, at one and a half or two X speed. And he's like, oh yeah, you talk fast regularly. So you may want to put this one back on one speed and then it will feel like it's 2x because I talk real fast. But we're so glad you're here. It's good to see everybody in the booth. Oh my goodness. One of my favorite people on planet Earth is walking in front of the booth right now. It makes my heart feel good. Hey, Kelly, James, listen. Last night I got home, me and James, I think it's time to break to the world. We're in a pretty awesome metal band. And I don't really know how to say we're taking over earth, but we are. And after our practice last night, they went into the wee hours of the morning.

And by wee hours of the morning, I mean like 730. It was nighttime, right? We went outside and we watched the sunset just as a band. James put his shirt back on and changed out of his leather pants and just like into jeans. And covered up some of his tattoos. And then we, I went home and I got out of the car, out of my truck, and my daughter was weeping. And that could be any number of things. And I said, what's wrong? Oh, no.

My wife had planned this Olympic watch event with the kids. And so they went upstairs and the chicken doors didn't close all the way. And my two dogs, oh man, it was not great. It was not great. My son, man, it was devastating. We got these things as chicks, as as little bitty peep peeps. It's been nine months now, and this is their egg-laying month. Every day, twice a day, feeding them, training them. Oh, man.

Are they all gone? No, several. Man. Then it's my dogs, and they are great, but they come up to you like they've just helped out. That didn't end well. I mean, oh, geez, Louise. And I just get out of the car, and it's crying and tears and heartbreak. And then I got sad, and I'm kind of a side hustle prepper.

And I'd kind of planned on, you know, if it all goes down, we got eggs, and now we don't. We'll have egg. Anyway, I put out a call to see if we can get some more chickens, but it was a heartbreak night for our family. That's rough, man. What do you do? You as a former chicken owner. Yeah, ours was a different kind of trauma because I had to cull several of our chickens.

Oh, so you're the murderer. Yep. Wow. You had to cull. That's such a distancing scientific word for whoa. I didn't know. I was Googling how to handle chickens at the end of their life and realized there's this fancy whitewashed term for it.

It's like when people go hunting and they harvest. That's, I don't know. This is why I buy my eggs in the store like a normal human. I don't have to deal with this. Wow. is why i buy my eggs in the store like a normal human i don't have to deal with this wow hmm we'll see when it all goes down who's knocking on whose door right actually i'll probably knock on your door because because the infiltrators yeah you don't have any eggs what are you gonna do if the treadles will just walk right past kelly's house they'll be like all right let's go to this and then the the general will be like now we want to skip that house we're good we'll

go to the next one so it it's good. All right. So we're working through it. All right. Let's go to Rich in Chicago. Hey, Rich. What's up, man? Hey, Dr. D. What's going on?

We're getting through, dude. How about you, man? I'm just going to say that eggs at the store are about a dollar a dozen. I'm just saying. I know. But if I raise the chickens myself, they're about $111 a dozen, right? Yeah, if you start doing the math on that stuff, it does not work

out in the prepper's favor. It does not. So it's ridiculous. It does not. But it is cool, and it's also, I've got to walk through grief with my son. Anyway, so it is what it is, man. How about you, brother? How can I help, man? Well, a little brief history.

I'm an alcoholic. I've been in recovery now for quite a while. I've been in recovery since 2007, working a 12-step program. Part of what we do in the program is it's one alcoholic working with another. That seems to work where other things fail. And so we call it sponsorship, and it's kind of an integral part of both sides, my recovery and the guys that I sponsor. I have a sponsor and I have a grand sponsor, and it just goes on and on. So we've kind of built up this community.

Paul, you've been sober, man. I've been sober just under 14 years, maybe 14 years into the month, if I survive. Can we congratulate you, man? Can I just stop and say I'm proud of you? Thank you. That's tough, man. That's a long ride. Congratulations, man. I burned down our finances and our relationship 14 years ago.

So you had no more, huh? Stood there there in the ashes and my wife took my hand we looked in each other's eyes and said we're going to be okay and uh started that process and uh it's uh so far so good so far so good to call you a hero would be undermining the mission you and work you've done and your wife too and so congratulations to you man all right he brought he brought me to god and god brought me to aa and that's just kind of it's awesome man good for you brother all right so i interrupted you yes so we're you got a sponsor a grand sponsor you're, and what brought you here today, man? Well, a guy came into the program about 10 years ago. Saw him struggling. He'd go two years sober, relapse, two years sober, relapse.

About four years ago, he approached me and wanted me to help him, and so I began sponsoring him. And if you're familiar with the steps we go through a process where they they pretty much dump everything on us i mean they they go through a process of inventory and and uh they lay it all out on the table and we go through it with them and so basically i know more about the guy than than anybody on the planet by the time we're through with that process if he works it the way he's supposed to and this guy guy, this guy did. I'm pretty confident he did. Yeah. Um, about three weeks ago, this guy took his own life. Ah, man. I'm sorry, dude.

Dang, dude. And, uh, it's just got, you know, it's obviously knocked the wind out of my sails. I mean, I've got a good community around me. I got good friends in and out of the program. You know, we're working through it. It's still raw. It's three weeks out, but, uh, and I, and I get that part, you know, and I also get the part where I don't have any control over the guy.

I don't have any control over what's in his head and, uh, and any of that stuff. He, uh, the way we worked, what worked for him, um, we communicated daily. So we were tight. I mean, we were pretty close. And so we communicated on a Wednesday. Um, he didn't call Thursday outside indicators, nothing that was obvious to anybody. Now, I know that he did suffer from depression. He did have some anxiety issues, and I know he was seeing a professional about that. He was working on a program outside of ours, obviously. This is going to sound— Go ahead, go ahead.

No, no, I'm sorry. No, you go ahead. no i'm sorry no you go ahead go ahead um so what i'm dealing with now is what am i doing yeah this this whole sponsorship thing it's got me it's i'm back on my heels here i i just i i i kind of shudder at the thought of picking up another spot to eat. I mean, I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a professional. I don't, you know, we don't deal with mental health issues.

Well, I'm just a drunk trying to help another drunk. And when I'm faced with this kind of thing, you know, and my grand sponsor took me aside me aside and, and we were at the visitation and he said, you can't take this personal. And I, I get the sentiment, but it's flipping personal. Yeah. It's real personal,

man. Real personal. So your sponsor is trying to love you the best he can. And, um, but this is personal and trying not to take it personal is insane okay this is personal as it gets i want you to take this personal i want you to let it sit in your heart this this hurts okay um and first and foremost dude um there's i'm sorry i've been there

i've done too many memorial services for people I love. And I'm sorry. Have you wept yet? Have you sat in this yet? Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Good. Oh, yeah. His daughter asked me to do the eulogy at the funeral. And when I went through that was, it was pretty cathartic for me. I mean, it was, it was cleansing for me. I was able to get past a lot of stuff just by writing that thing and getting up in front of the crowd and saying it

out loud that, that helped me a lot. Um, and like I said, I've got, I've got super close friends in and out of the program. I've got a couple of buddies that I call them my 2 a.m. friends. They're the guys that you call them no matter what time of night and they're in your driveway. That's right. I've talked through all this with those guys, obviously through the community and the program. Lots of support there. I think I'm good. Yeah. But I think, I think I'm good. Yeah. Um, but there's that, there's that underlying

kind of guilt thing. Um, I've gone through the whole grieving situation, you know, where I was sad and I was upset and I was, and then I got angry, you know, why the hell didn't he call me? Um, that kind of thing. And now you're in a futile wasteland. Yeah. You're back in ash and you've been in ashes before, right? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a difference between not taking this personal, which you should, and blaming yourself.

And those are two vastly different feelings and processes. Okay. There's no way in three weeks you've cycled through everything. You'll be cycling through stuff for a long time. Okay. And they will cycle quick. You'll be pissed off and you'll cry and then you'll miss him. And then you'll be laughing.

And so think of it as tight circles and the circles get bigger and they get bigger. And you'll go through a longer season where you're raged out against this guy. Because he's going to screw up your weekends. He's going to screw up. Like there's a, you know what I mean? It's hard. You get pissed off at him. Even though you know it's stupid to get pissed off at him and that he was hurting and, and, and.

And then you will have this just scorched earth where you feel like you're walking in a desert with no trees no trees no water no nothing and you'll loop back and you'll loop back but the difference between taking it personal being heartbroken and blaming yourself those are different do you get the difference of those i think that's probably the problem i'm having is they're kind of overlapping okay all right they're kind of infringing on each other and And I think that's, that's kind of what I'm dealing with. So a lot of times when you, especially of grief, external grief, right? So they give you the 12 steps so that this thing never happens again. And the challenge to that is underneath you, things happen, right? And so the steps give you a level of control that a drunk or a drug addict or a sex addict don't normally have, or a food addict or whatever. It gives them

control over them where it's challenged. It can feel like it's a whole thing's unwound like you're experiencing right now when when a meteorite hits you and that's what happened because you can't control for that right and so it makes you think well why am i even doing these steps these are stupid they're dumb they don't even protect me from fill in the blank And the hard part is hanging on to what you know works. And at the same time, going, oh, this happened, right? That's the difference between blame and. So the steps work, man. You're sober for 14 years. And the path has given you relationships, 2am friends. It's given you a model for what friendship looks like and connection looks like. And my guess is you're a better husband and a better dad and a better community member all those things and this just hurts they're both and and sometimes step programs don't do both

and very well it does either or really well right and so it's being able to sit and say, this hurts and not my fault. I was this guy's go-to and he did this. And not linking the two things together. And it's hard. This is where journaling is really important because you can separate those two. This is when writing him letters, writing yourself letters in too rich, dear rich, not I, I, I, but dear rich, this happened and I'm sorry. How would you talk to somebody who called you? How would you call to another sponsor who had their own sponsor? How would you be coaching them right now? You'd be saying, brother, it's not your fault, right?

This hurts and I'm going to hug you and we're going to go hang out. We're going to go to the batting cages or whatever. But you didn't do this, right? And so that's that hard balance, that hard gap. Real quick, and I know this is going to sound gratuitous and it's not. How did he take his life? He used a gun. Okay.

Was he intoxicated? Yes. Okay. Do you remember back when you were drunk and you did dumb things? You did things that you normally, you look back and go, whoa, whoa. Do you remember those times? Oh yeah. Of course. Yeah. And so what I want you to do, like you spent 14 years learning how to forgive yourself, right? And how to be graceful to yourself. Eventually, you're going to come to look at this man that you loved and that you considered a brother. Probably closer than your real brother, if you have one.

Yeah. Who was connected to other people, but could never overcome that loneliness that addicts experience. Could never get that failure to belong. And then worse, he thought for whatever reason, especially when he was drunk or especially when he was low, that he was going to be a burden to you and he didn't call. Right. Right. And I would say that's a choice he made. Man, he was intoxicated. He died by suicide, man. Suicide took his soul from him. And so all that to say, at some point you'll forgive him. You'll make peace with him. And this will in time make you a, not only world-class, it will make you a gift of a sponsor to everybody around you.

Because now I've sat through so many of these things. I'll look people in the eye and smile and say, I'm not letting this happen to you. I'll call in the Calvary on you. I'll call every, does that make sense? It's made me better at being a neighbor, having gone through these things. I wouldn't do it again over a million years. But over time, you end up making meaning out of these things. But that's not for right now. Right now is just for saying, oh, this sucks. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It does. You know, I think I can tell myself this and I can listen to my sponsors

and I can listen to people in the program and it's all good and I get it. I totally get it. And everything that you said, I get it. It's not about getting it. It's not about getting it. It's about sitting in it. The getting it part is don't go drink. The getting it part is don't go drink.

The getting it part is don't throw everything away because this happened. That happening doesn't mean that the last 15 years of your life have been a lie. What happened meant that somebody wasn't well and they died by suicide.

You didn't fail, brother. You didn't screw up. It's hard not to tell myself that. I know. It just is. I know. It is. And you're in the middle of it, okay?

You're in the middle of it. It's your're you have little kids you have kids i do okay think back to the first time you took one of your kids to the pool and they were on a diving board and you're waiting you're treading water out there trying to get them to jump and they're on the edge of that diving board and they're getting closer and closer but they just won't go and they bend their knees and they lean over but they closer, but they just won't go, and they bend their knees, and they lean over, but they don't jump. They don't jump, and then finally they jump, and then they're in that air, and it feels like 100 years they're in that air where they're falling

and falling and falling. Finally, they hit the water, and then dad's there to get them. You just jumped. You're in the air, and people can tell you, hey, there's somebody at the bottom. None of that matters because you're falling. What I'll tell you is you're surrounded by people can tell you, Hey, there's somebody at the bottom. It doesn't, none of that matters because you're falling. Okay. What I'll tell you is you're surrounded by people who love you. You were there in the water to catch you when you hit. This is not your fault, man. And you can tell yourself that all day. Great. I want you to get it out of your head and I want you to start writing it down. Okay. I want you to spend some time writing it down. I want you

to journal about it. And I want you to write letters to two people, to Rich and to your old friend. Okay. And in those letters, I want you to be honest with Rich. I want you to be honest with your friend. And be heartbroken. Be pissed off. Be angry. And exhale.

And get up and go again. Don't throw this all away because of that. Got it? We same team on that one? Got it. Yeah, I can do that. I got your word. You're going to stay sober?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. You're in this for the long haul, brother. We're in this with you. You're doing everything right. It's just your fault. It just sucks.

Okay. I've been there, been're doing everything right. It's just your fault. It just sucks. Okay. I've been there, been there, been there. I'm having to take a deep breath too, man. You'll hit the water and you're safe. You got people around you. Hang in there, man. Hang in there. This is not your fault, brother. Let's take a quick break right here on the Dr. John Miller Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work.

We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn

to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Anna in Oklahoma City. Hey, Anna, what's going on? Hi. Hi, Dr. Don. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Thank you for calling. How in the world are you? I've had better days. Uh-oh, that's an old 90s pop rock song, so let's hear what's going on. Well, my husband and I are newlyweds, and we need help setting boundaries with my parents. Oh, sweet. How long have you been married? Well, we've only been married for about four months now. Okay. How's the first four months going, just you been married? Well, we've only been married for about four months now. Okay. How's the first four months going?

Just y'all two? Well, great. Marriage is good with him. You still like him? Oh, yes. I fall deeper in love with him every day. Oh, gross. You fall deeper in love with him.

Yuck, Anna. No, he's good. All right, good. I'm falling deeper in love every day. I think after four months, my wife was like, oh, geez. So good for you, Anna. All right, so what's up? How can I help?

You got parent boundary issues. Yes. Tell me about it. What are your parents doing? This ought to be great. Oh, man. Well, just to kind of give you a context, my parents are very protective, overly protective. And, um, just more over the years I've seen how controlling they are.

Um, so when I was 18 years old, I moved out of my parents' house and just got caught up in the party lifestyle and, and drugs. And so my parents felt that, um, you know, along the way. And I did that for about eight years of my life. And my parents, you know, had a, I mean, that was just hard for them to see that over the years. But anyway, along the way, around 25 years old, I just kind of came to the end of myself and met the Lord and decided to, you know, turn my life around, went to school, got a degree in match or my bachelor's in biblical counseling and started working with women at a drug rehab. So I've been doing that for years and then met my husband along the way. How old are you? I'm 33. Wow. Okay. Fantastic. Yeah. So I met my husband along the way. How old are you? I'm 33. Wow. Okay. Fantastic. Yeah. So, um,

met my husband along the way and, you know, along, you know, these years I haven't really dated, um, just because I hadn't met the right one. And so when I met my husband, I just, we knew, we just, we knew that we were supposed to be together. Gross, Anna! I'm sorry. All right. So anyway, I, you know, once that happened, I think my parents' expectations of how that was supposed to look, they wanted me to date for, you know, a couple of years, I guess, before marrying him. So, you know, I talked to my parents. I said,

hey, you know, this man, I know he's supposed to be the one, you know, and so they jumped on the bandwagon. And so leading up to just planning the wedding, I had a discussion with my mom about just the finances. And I said, you know, my husband and I, we're going to pay for it. You guys don't have to worry or feel the pressure about, you know, with the, with the wedding. Um, however, my mom had said, you know what, we're going to go ahead and pay for it. We're going to bless you guys. So with that being said, uh, three weeks before our wedding, my mom said, we're just going to pay for the cake. So I'm thinking, are you kidding me? And she's like, yes, we're just going to pay for the cake.

Why'd she back out and change her mind? Yeah, well, when I asked her about it, she said, well, you misunderstood. Oh, sweet. And I'm like, are you? I said, mom, I said, this is not about misunderstanding. I said, you gave me your word. I'm so happy. I'm not really happy, but.

Okay, so they just paid for the cake. And then by the time it rolled around, they paid for the straws and the salt and pepper shakers. And then, okay, so you get married and it's four months down the road. And you're falling deeper in love every day. What are they doing? How are they trying to exert control over you still? Well, so, well, my parents, they keep saying they don't know my husband. And they keep, so just to back up up my husband, I tried to set boundaries.

We met with them, putting them are making a bullet list of just letters or a letter of bullet points of things that needed to be dressed. And so they shared it with the whole family, the letter that we had asked them to keep confidential between all four of us. What was in this letter? So it was just boundaries. Basically, you know, be kind. And also, we just said we expect honesty. And we just shared our hearts. And my husband and I, we just, we sat down with them.

We met with them because I'm from the Dallas-Fort Worth area, and now I live in Oklahoma. So we drove out there just to talk to them and share our hearts with them about everything that had happened leading up to the wedding. Are they not, are they generally not kind? Are they, I mean, were you addressing things that you had seen or were you just stating things? Okay, so the things in your letter, the bullet points were things, were behaviors and interactions and relationships you guys had experienced already.

Yeah, I mean, even when we're, yes. To get your relationships off, and again, you're not 18, you're 33 for crying out loud, right? You've got your own job, he's got his own job, y'all loud, right? You've got your own job. He's got his own job. Y'all experience things. And then you said, hey, this is how we're going to go and get this off on the right foot.

And y'all bared your soul. And they went and told everybody. Yeah. Well, they said that they considered it a threat. And it was just it was unbelievable. And I'm thinking, okay, why did you guys even tell all my brothers? You know, so now it's like, so now my brother called me, cussed me out for about 30 minutes and said, you know, you need to fix this. You need to, you've betrayed the family. And so my mom called me and she said, Anna, you need to come up to,

you know, Frisco and talk to the whole family without your husband. And I'm like, So here's the deal. Here's the deal. Yes. You moved out at 18. Yes. For a reason. Yes. And yes, you did whatever. You acted like an 18 year old right and you acted like a 19 year old and a 20 year old here's my guess my guess is this type of um pitting brothers against sisters and this type of lack of trust and this type of immaturity and acting like a middle school with a with a power ego power trip has been happening your whole life and at 18 you went in search for some sort of connection and sleeping with people and alcohol and drugs are chemically very similar to deep connected relationships they're shorter and they don't last as long and they come with a ton of repercussions.

Yeah. But they make sense. Okay? Yeah. And there's a reason why college populations, when you take a kid who's been living at home, even in a messed up home, and you pluck them from everything they know

and you send them across the country and you drop them in a box with a bunch of other 18-year-olds, that alcohol and sleeping with somebody, dude, it just makes you go, for a minute, and then you got to go do it again the next day and do it again the next day. But you have young brains screaming for a connection, and you didn't have that growing up. You were raised by children.

And now you're 33, right? There's 10, 11, 11 12 years later you circled back to include them and once again they haven't changed they're the same people and this is the heartbreak for you and i'll i'll lay it out systematically okay i'm to be honest with you. Cool? Cool. Great. Good grand. Okay. And you've grown up a lot. You saw the world a lot, right? You've got experiences a lot. And here's the thing. When you think back on your 18 to 25 times, you did stuff that you regret, but you also learned a lot.

And I bet you met some extraordinary people, right? Yes. And I bet you are more compassionate people right yeah and i bet you are more compassionate than most of the people in your life right yes and you also realized there's a there's just a more peaceful better way to live right and so you've done hard hard work on anna and now you know what grace in a relationship looks like and strength and boundaries and connection and being vulnerable you know what those in a relationship looks like and strength and boundaries and connection and being vulnerable. You know what those things are, and you met a guy

who you're growing deeper in love with every day. Who shares that with you, right? And by the way, you know I'm joking here, right? I'm making faces. You know I'm kidding. I'm really excited for you. So here's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. Yes.

It's going to be killing that fantasy that you can loop back and have it all the way you wanted it to be. Yeah. Because what you're trying to do is collapse the last however many years and make it to where you're 25 and you're getting married again. And mom and dad are involved in the wedding and your brothers and your new husband all hang out and go hunting together and they play golf together and they,

whatever. And that's not going to happen yeah and i'm sorry yeah because your parents are children maybe your brothers have grown up maybe your brothers are a little bit different and mom and dad put them in an unfair position to choose between them and you, which really stinks, right? And maybe go and have a drink with your brother, go and have some coffee with your brother, one-on-one, and you're saying, hey, here's what we're doing. And they know your mom and dad, too. They know. Yeah.

Right? And they're either reproducing that behavior in their little families, or they've grown up and it's different, and they got put in an unfair position, right, is what it is. Yeah. Or they've grown up and it's different and they got put in an unfair position, right, is what it is. But at the end of the day, you set up your boundaries and said, here's what we expect. We expect people to be kind to each other, to not lie to us. We want to have fun, safe, laughter, joy-filled holidays together. We want to come down to Dallas.

What is it, like a five-hour drive? We want to come down to Dallas and hang out with a five hour drive. We're going to come down to Dallas and hang out with y'all on the weekends. But here's the things and your parents spit on your boundaries, man. And that's what they're for, right? To either be honored or set on fire and your parents pissed on yours. And so now you got the, you got the message, right? You got your answer. And I hate that for you. So here's what you got to do. You're going to have to be highly intentional about being around adult couples who are older than you and wiser than you and forming some sort of surrogate relationships with couples who are 10 years down the road, who you and your husband will go hang out with, have coffee with, go, I don't know, whatever you do in Oklahoma. I just feel like Oklahoma is

a state of sadness. And so I don't know. I'm just kidding. It's a great place to live. All Texans are raised to think like, if you go to Oklahoma, it all ends, right? But I understand what you're doing and you're proselytizing. So you're spreading the will of Texas up into the North. And I appreciate that. But you're gonna have to find some families who are going to be the grown-up, wise people who love you and love your husband and invest in y'all that your parents should be, but are not, but aren't. If I'm you, I would reach out to my brothers one-on-one. And by the way, two important things. Nobody cusses me out for 30 minutes. They cuss me out for one second, because then I hang up the phone. I'm not going to hear that. I'm not going to listen to that at all. And I'll tell another grownup, when you're

ready to talk like a grownup, we'll have a conversation, but I'm out. And then maybe a week later, two weeks later for somebody I love, I'll reach back out and say, you ready to talk like a grownup? And if they're not, then I'm not going to do that. I'm just not. The challenge for you is, and the second challenge is, for you to not give over your integrity, not get over the growth you've had, to try to crawl back and make them okay. I want you and your husband to get the book.

I forget the title every time. You know this one, James. It's parents, it's children of emotionally, adult children of emotionally immature parents. Who wrote that book? It's right there. Susan Gibson, is that it? Lindsay Gibson. So Anna, I want you to get, you and your husband to get the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Gibson, G-I-B-S-O-N. It's a masterpiece. It's really thin. It's wonderful. You'll probably end up highlighting more of the book than not. I want you all to work through that together. And then I want you to reassess your boundaries,

reassess who y'all want to be as a couple, where y'all going to go, what's the picture of what your marriage is going to look like, and y'all live into that. Your parents have opted out, and y'all have to agree with that. It's heartbreaking. I hate it for you.

I hate it for you. And hopefully your brothers won't opt out. Nothing's worse than getting burned by two people who said we're supposed to love you. And by the way, you broke their heart when they're 18 19 20 so it's true but they have chosen to not grow with you they've chosen to be frozen and i'm a rapper now because i just rhymed chosen and frozen um they've chosen to remain frozen in their maturity and their love for you it's still it's still got strings it's still got it's still got strings. It's still got, it's still got like,

it's still keeping you guys off kilter. Here y'all are 33. You got both feeling. Go find a couple today, man. Go find a couple and reach out and start that healing process with new people, man. I'm so, so sorry for you.

Take one more. Let's go to Emily in Pittsburgh. Hey, Emily, what's going on? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? We are rocking on to the break of dawn how about you good i was you know cleaning up toys while the daniel tiger cleanup song runs through my head to live in a good life that is not a good life that's good life that's pretty cool, so what's up? How can I help? So my son is almost two and last month he was officially diagnosed with a significant disability. Okay. What is it? What's the disability? Cerebral palsy. Okay. All right. Okay. And I also have a four-year-old daughter who she's

developing typically. She's fine and she loves her brother to pieces, but I have a four-year-old daughter who she's developing typically. She's fine. And she loves her brother to pieces. But I have a two-part question. What can I do to protect her from having jealousy and trauma associated with having a sibling with a disability? Because you hear about that all the time, but I want to know how to kind of help prevent that. And then also, how can I, you know, give him as much support and attention and understanding as he needs with a disability, but also prevent spoiling him? You know, like, giving in to things and letting him get away with stuff.

So, like, pretty much how do I raise both my kids without the disability getting in the way and causing issues? You won't. The disability is in the way, and it's caused issues, right? So number one, I'm going to answer the second part first, and then we'll loop back to that first one, okay? So the second part is a you thing, okay? Okay. Okay. Have you exhaled this yet?

And I'm going to say something that I know is unpopular and blah, but it's the truth. I've just worked with too many parents with children with special needs. Have you grieved this? Have you just exhaled and been heartbroken? I don't know if I can officially say that I have because I'm very much in charge of organizing his therapy and making sure. So I feel like I've been very much leaning into the practical side of everything. Yes. What can I do and what should I do? And I'm actually looking at getting a counselor in the area because I've realized this

is probably more than I can handle myself. I think you're going to find yourself infinitely stronger than you ever thought. And you are going to, it's going to be imperative for you to get a community of parents in your area that have children who've had similar diagnostics or life experiences and having a community of people you can text and reach out to all that's important. But at some point you, when you found out you were pregnant, you had a picture of what this was going to be like. And the picture is now different. And all I'm asking is, yes,

you're going to try to solve this for a while. You're going to try to channel all of that energy and frustration and heartbreak, and you know his life is going to be hard. And then you're going to have those, oh my gosh, what about if something happens to me and my husband? You're going to have all those things, right? And to be able to handle those things so that your body doesn't take off on you into anxiety or frustration or those spinning in the middle of the night, which I know you've had. There's a moment when you have to just not a moment. There's a season where you got to grieve it. You thought it was going to be like this and it's not.

And you wanted your son to grow up and fill in the blank and he's not. It's going to be a different experience. Not that you hate him not that you don't love him you're not grateful from all that stuff but you just got to grieve that gap okay what i'm telling you is cerebral palsy is something you can run from and solve for it's something that you're going to experience right and that's a you thing so how do you not give how do you not spoil him? Don't spoil him. Ta-da. Right?

I know that sounds so easy. Your identity, there's no way for you to make up for the pain he's experiencing. There's no way for you to make up for the challenges he's going to have with ice cream and cookies and staying up late and watching and all those things. Does that make sense right yeah and the tendency is that you're going to want to keep your thumb on the other side of that scale cosmically you're going to have to let that go he still needs to sleep and eat healthy and have boundaries and be respectful to you and be respectful to his sister and all those things that make sense right so it's working within the parameters of his physical challenge in his, does he have cognitive challenges too or are these mostly physical? No, thank goodness. It's mostly gross motor skills.

Okay. Excellent. So he'll know, right, and what you'll be able to teach him about living with his challenges and how he can honor the people in his world and how he can deal with evil little kids that are going to be mean to him and make fun of him and those who are going to rally around him and love him in a way that other kids will never understand right it's all of it um but trying to solve for it or hit the other end of the cosmic scale is going to be a futile exercise okay the second thing here with your four-year-old, two important things here. Number one, I'm piling it on here and I know, you're going to have to make special you

and daughter time. Whether that's hiring a middle school kid to come over and just be in the house with you while you and your daughter make something or go watch. I don't know what your financial situation is or if your husband comes and can deal with it or whatever, but having carved out time, whether it's one day a week or two days a week with a four-year-old or a little bit of time every day, that she just gets you. And this is highly intentional. No phone, no anything other than eye contact, on the floor, playing, creating worlds, lots of touch, lots of interaction. But this is letting her know that you see her. Does that make sense? Is there like a certain amount of time?

I know you can't like quantify it, but like we've been trying to do, I guess some people call it tuck-in time, where he goes to bed first since he's younger, and then she gets 10 to 15 minutes of just whoever's putting her to bed that night, of just their time. She can choose whatever we're playing. 10 to 15 minutes probably is not enough. If that's the best you got, that's the best you got. Everyone's got to do what they've got to do. Now I know there's a single mom with three kids right now. One of them's got special needs in five or 10 minutes is two hours of their life because they're work. She's working three jobs. I get that 10 to 15 minutes. If that's what you got, that's what you got. If you've got another partner at home, who's able to do bedtimes on certain nights and you're able to just have ice cream night and you know how I am about sugar. Take

your kid out from ice cream. Take your kid out on, we go to the park from six to eight and we may miss a family dinner once a week because it's just us. It's special girl time or it's daddy and daughter time, whatever that looks like. You and your husband are going to have a season that's going to be different than folks with physical or neurotypical kids. You're going to have a couple of years where you're going to have to split up a couple of times a week and make sure there's some highly intentional time. But here's the second part. And I learned this from one of my professors, Dr. Aretha Marbley. She's one of the most brilliant women I've ever met. And she helped my family. And my kids are typical kids and it has i've i've given this

i've passed this along to every parent of any type of kids and it's been magical and that is beginning to refer to your son to your daughter refer to your little boy as hers we're going to go help out your brother we're going to go help out your brother. We're going to go help out your baby and bring her along for the ride. Let her have ownership is the key word. Give her a couple of jobs that she can do that are, she's able to do like whether it's physically or cognitively, but let her have ownership of the care and love of her little

brother. And what happens is she will get frustrated because she's four, right? She's not gonna be able to wrap her head around this stuff. And I never get mad at a four-year-old for being selfish because that's what four-year-olds do. I don't get mad at seven-year-olds or 11-year-olds for being selfish or frustrated, right? But I continue to model it, number one. Number two, I keep bringing them back in two i keep bringing them back in i keep bringing them back into hey this you're part of the care and love this is what care and love looks like in our house and the trauma part she may ask hard questions like why him and not me y'all experience those questions as they go the trauma is going to be different for her because this is

all she knows you and her will have different trauma, okay? Because you know a different picture, she will not. This is just what brothers are. It won't be until she goes to college and learns that, oh, your brothers are different. It goes to high school, right? This will be her experience. But give her some jobs, some participation, some relational support that she can provide and give her ownership. And she will grow into that in a really remarkable way.

And of course, she's going to have temper tantrums. Of course, she's not going to want to do it and blah, blah, blah. That's part of being four. But some very specific time and some ownership there. And Kelly, you've got this experience. You have any thoughts? I do. Hi, Emily.

I have two special needs kids at home as well um i'm gonna rebut just a hair of what you said all of it dude um with the giving them a job i see where you're going with that but it's also super important to make sure that the typical developing child knows that this is not their responsibility correct their participation that's a big deal and making sure that your daughter knows that your son is, I mean, she doesn't have to become the little mama. Correct. She doesn't have to spend all of her time and not do things that she would normally do. So I've been trying to phrase when I ask her to help specifically with something with Ben, not necessarily something like around the house, you know, her responsibility. But I try to say, hey, would you like to go get his toy for him? If you don't want, you don't have to.

Right. Would that be like a good way of approaching that? Yeah. I mean, it's the same things you would if he was a typical developing baby you know a little a little brother yeah which you would ask them to help with that so just making not piling on because they can't do this so you have to and there are going to be some things where you do have to they have to step up you know with ours are teenagers now and so which is its own you monster, but there's things that, you know,

when the basketball goes rolling down the hill, I'm sorry, but your sister can't go get it. She's in a wheelchair. Go get the, you gotta go get the ball, you know, and they don't want to,

but you make them cause they have to, or no, you have to hold the door for her because she can't get it. So there's things that they have to do, but you also have to let them be a kid as well. Going back to something John said about grieving it, that took us years and was one of the biggest things we did. And real quickly, there's a story called The Tulips in Holland that it's kind of passed around special needs families that you plan for this trip to Italy and you study Italian. You know all the places you're going to go.

You have your whole trip planned. You have the money that's, you know, that you're going to go, you have your whole trip planned, you have the money that you're going to use there, and everything is planned, and then you get off the airplane and you're in Holland. Well, that's not what you planned. You don't know anything about it. You don't know what you're going to do. You don't know how to speak the language, but it's pretty. But you have to let go of Italy and go, you know what? We're going to stay here because Italy's not an option now, so I have to let go of Italy and go, you know what? We're going to stay here because we're not, Italy's not an option now. So I had to let go of that. But man, aren't the tulips pretty here. So it's the whole idea of you have to let that go.

And that's hard to do because you had plans and I guarantee your husband had plans for this little boy. Yeah. I think it's a little harder on him because he can't be as much involved in like the day to day, like,-day, everything else that's going on. He feels like he has very little control over what's going on. Yeah, and that's his son, and that's a lot harder. But now that just changes. And so you really do have to spend the time.

There was a lot of tears with us, and it took us a long time to do that of, man, what are the things that aren't going to happen that you wish would and we had to say it to each other i mean this isn't going to happen you know we're never going to do this together um no but then later on you figure out no but we will do this other thing and it's really cool too but you have to get it don't think that's selfish you have to do that part that's right yeah and kelly it, I love that you made that great differentiation. Yeah, this is not your four-year-old's child to raise, right? Right. It's teaching her. Let me put it this way. In my house, we have certain chores that the kids do that we don't give them an allowance for because there is just a participation. This is just some things you do to be a part of a family and then if you want to do some extra jobs

that normally mom and dad do or that i might hire out then i'll pay you for that right so we're not going to pay you for taking um your plate over after dinner or wash or wiping your stuff into the trash and putting your dishes in the dishwasher that's called being a human right same here but giving i like that the ownership but not responsibility that's a great that's a great differentiation yeah and some other things john you know that when you asked about um not spoiling him and that's hard to do it is because you want to make up for it i feel bad whatever that you know that they're this this happened or whatever but he he needs to have consequences um within his physical boundaries of whatever he

is able to do. He has expectations, just like your daughter has expectations of what she's supposed to do. And especially since he is, you know, neurotypical as far as he doesn't have any delays mentally, that, you know, he has to be respectful. He has to do his homework when that time comes. He has to do this. And, you know, these are the chores that he can do. So he is expected to do them. Be it house. I mean, you know, sometimes my daughter picks up sticks out of the yard whenever after a storm, because it's what she can do, but she's expected to do it. She's expected to do it well. And so that he, he needs those because things will be expected of him because he probably will move into the real world because he is, you know, typically developing mentally. And so he'll have

to know how to do those things. And it's just, you know, when they ask the questions of why did this happen? And just sometimes we have to go, I don't know, but it sucks. And I'm so sorry. But we always tell my daughter, the only thing that her wheelchair gets her is front of the line at Disneyney and better parking that's right and that's it because everything else you're this is this is how our house functions and you're a part of that and you have to do your part i love it love it love it and emily so here's what i want you and your husband to do um and this is not going to be is me hard okay i want you all to write a letter to your 16 year old son and I want you to read it to each other and in this letter

I want you to write about the things you're going to miss I'd expected that we'd be playing catch I had in my head this fantasy that we were going to go play golf together or whatever the thing is and I want you to be honest about the things you're going to miss Sheila's already planning for who's going to be sitting around our table at Thanksgiving when Hank and Josephine, our kids are, I mean, it's just, you go down that rabbit trail.

And then I want you to write about the things, the possibilities, but I am excited about, and I want you to read this letter to each other. And this will start a conversation between you and your husband, like Kelly was talking about, this grieving, this, oh man, we thought this. I don't even know that I thought this. I just expected that. And it's not. And you'll start that grieving process, but you'll also start, as she mentioned, you'll start noticing the tulips in Holland because that's where you live now. That's where you live. Kelly, thank you so much for talking about your situations. Emily, thank you so much for that call, for being vulnerable. We wish you the absolute grandest adventures, racing two little ones, four and two by themselves,

on any given Wednesday. That's a lot. Differentiating and supporting a child with special needs who's two and then a typical four-year-old that's going to be a adventure of a lifetime and thank you for sharing that with us all right as we wrap up today's show man this is it this one is this is one of those it actually is one of my favorite songs of all time love it with all of my heart. It's off the permanent vacation record. The boys in Aerosmith, Stephen Tyler and the gang. And their greatest slow dance love song of all time.

Just one word. Angel. And it goes like this. I'm alone. Yeah, and I don't know if I can face the night. And I'm in tears. And the crying that I do, it's for you. And I want your love.

Let's break the wall between us. Don't make it tough. I'll put away my pride. Enough's enough. I've suffered. And I've seen the light. Seen the light. I think I nailed that note.

You're my angel. Come and save me tonight. You're my angel. Come and make it all right. You're my angel. Come and save me tonight. You're my angel. Come and make it all right. You're my angel. Come and save me tonight, right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.