The Dr. John Delony Show - My Personal Life Is a Disaster

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man feeling hopeless about the state of his personal life - A woman who wants to adopt her foster baby - A mom in need of boundaries with her irresponsible adult daughter Lyrics of the Day: "Girls From Texas" - Pat Green Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Four months after we got married, she had accused me of abuse. Was it all fabricated? It was. She was hitting me and everything. I held down her arms to stop her from hitting me. One of her therapists saw the markings on her arms, so they reported that. And that led off to a whole you know a year-long investigation what in the world is going on this is john with the dr john deloney's show and man i'm so glad that you are with us hanging out trying to figure out our dating relationships our marriage our

mental health and our emotional health our kids whatever, whatever's going on in the world. On this show, we talk to real people going through real hard stuff, and we try to figure out what to do next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Kelly, you're looking at me. What did I do? Did I do something? No, I'm sorry.

I was... You never make direct eye contact like that unless I'm in trouble. It was... I looked up. There you were. It was an accident. But did you notice a thing?

It was an accident. Today's callers, did you notice a theme? It's an all-Texas show. All-Texas show. Yeah, it is. Yeehaw! Way to go, America. Look Yee haw Way to go America

Look at that Way to go Texas Right now my family's all in Texas And it's 111 degrees I don't know if y'all know this Who are listening to this show Who don't live in Texas But in Texas

They actually teach you in the Bible That hell is really cold. Because hot just doesn't bother anybody anymore. Anyway, if you didn't know that, now you know. And as the great G.I. Joe said, knowing is half the battle. All right, let's go out to San Antonio, the greatest food in America, and talk to Zach. What's up, Zach? Hello, Dr. John.

How we doing? I'm living the dream. Anybody who says I'm living the dream is never living the dream. What's up, dude? I got to apologize. I'm not an original Texan. I just moved here. Oh, no.

Where'd you move from? Hawaii. We'll take you for sure. Okay. Yeah, dude. Are you originally from Hawaii? No. I was in the Navy, so I moved around a lot. So actually, I grew up

mostly on the West Coast, different states. So you came to be converted, huh? Yep. Well, congratulations, man. Never too late. Never too late. Welcome to the Lone Star State. And I just rhymed, so I'm a rapper, too. What's congratulations, man. Never too late. Never too late. Welcome to the Lone Star State. And I just rhymed, so I'm a rapper too. What's up, man?

Well, you know, I know I sent you an email, and it sounded really doom and gloom. I didn't get it. They don't give those to me. Jenna just gets them so that we can have a natural conversation. So tell me about it. Okay. Well, you know, I had originally asked, you know, how do I just find the will to move on?

You know, just so many layers to this onion that I try to narrow down my question to, you know, for your show. And a lot of it, you know, just kind of revolves around my second ex-wife. Okay. So the backstory on that is I was originally married back in 2017, and the marriage lasted about maybe a year and a half, and it was a very rough marriage. I was able to escape that marriage, and after I dug out of prison, I went back to the front door and let her back into my life and I'm starting to regret that. So are y'all still together? Uh, yes. So, I don't know how much time you have.

I can tell you the full story. Go for it, man. So, when I got married in 2017, it was after a year of dating. Shortly, by the four months after we got married, she had accused me of abuse. And so, you know, sorry.

You're good, man. Take a breath. Take a breath, dude. You're all good. So, you know, after four months, it just really affected me. Was it totally, was it all fabricated? It was. I think because to give a little context there, she's just an irrational person or just really insecure, some bipolar in there and just a little dash of Tourette's, right?

And so she was hitting me and everything. So I held down her arms to stop her from hitting me. I think, I guess one of her therapists saw the, you know, the markings on her arms. So they reported that. And, um, and that led off to a whole, you know, a year long investigation and then mandatory counseling and so on. And, um, were you charged criminally? No, and so on. Were you charged criminally? No, I wasn't. I mean, well, because in the military, you're guilty until proven guilty. Sure, that's right.

It doesn't matter if you're found not guilty, because it's never about that. It's just about making sure that spouse is safe and the member is safe. Did you get court-martialed? No, I did go get what we call non-judicial punishment. And it wasn't related to the actual abuse. It was related for me violating a order given by my commanding officer. And that was just in order for not to talk to the spouse. And then, so for, you know,

for the entire year and a half that we were married, I was actually not living at home for a good year and had to have my own place. I was paying for two places at the time in Hawaii of all places. Yeah. That's expensive. So bring me up to right now. You, you got cleared of everything. Yeah, that's expensive. So bring me up to right now. You got cleared of everything. You did your non-traditional punishment. You learned whatever lessons you need to learn. What are you doing?

So, you know, in order, well, so after the year and a half that we were married, I divorced her and she refused to leave. So she became a squatter in my house. And so for three years after that, I lived with her living there. She just refused to believe that we were divorced, refused to believe that there was no relationship. Why didn't you call the police? I did. And the police said there's nothing they can do. This was even after an episode where she got insanely crazy. I don't hate to use that term, but then I had locked myself in a spare room and she kicked the door in, broke it literally in half.

And I called the cops and cops said, well, there's nothing they can do because she lives there. And I was like, well, if this was the other way around, I think cops are ready. Well, of course. But so I, it must just be difference in how Hawaii's laws work. But if you're divorced, if you've got divorced papers, juggle through the proceedings, everything was finalized. Yeah. I mean, so Hawaii has a rule where, you know, you serve the papers and they don't respond within 20 days,

you'd be a divorce by default. Correct. I did that. I did this whole year-long plan. I was going to convince her that we're all moving to Texas together. Then I had to sell my house. I put her on the plane

and sent her to her parents. I moved to Texas because I told her I had to stay and sent her to her parents. And I moved to Texas, you know, because I told her I had to stay behind to finish some work stuff. And when I got to Texas, I, you know, I didn't have anybody here. It was just me. And I was feeling, you know, lonely and everything. So I started talking with her again.

And then we had agreed that, you know, we're going to try this out again. And if she comes back, we're going to try it out. If it doesn't work out, she can go back home. Okay, bring me to right now, man. Bring me to right now. It's just right now, we had another— Is she back living with you again?

She is back living with me, and I told her she had to leave, but she just— Yeah, that—you can't possibly think that she's going to leave. Yeah, she's not. No, of course not. She never has. There's nothing I can do to get her to leave. I haven't called her parents. Parents can't do anything.

You can call the police in Texas, and I know this. You can call the sheriff's department in Texas and say, I have broken up with my girlfriend and she refuses to leave my property of which she has zero claim. Okay. We are divorced. She needs to go and she is refusing to leave. I need assistance.

Okay. Okay. Had that exact conversation. And now listen, none of this matters if three months from now you call her back and invite her back over yeah i just yeah it was really stupid okay i just you know i mean i just like reliving the same traumas for the past five years i was just living in flight mode and just i got you i got you but bro you i mean did you learn your lesson now I mean you got you got bit by a rattlesnake for three years and then you get to Texas and you're like I'm

gonna put my hand back in that bag and get bit again that that exactly what I did and yeah and she's clearly struggling She's got a lot going on that you can't solve. But man, you can protect yourself and keep you safe. Right? Yeah. I understand. I'm afraid to do anything because if I say anything,

it's going to just open up a whole can of worms. Here's the thing, Zach. I would record our conversations. I would record our conversations. I would call the sheriff's department today and I would make as clean and as quick a break

as possible while also treating her with dignity and respect. You brought a person who's not well back into your life, into a situation where they have faltered before. And so she's not well back into your life, into a situation where they have faltered before. Okay. And so she's not well, she's not stable and she makes things very hard. She makes up stories. She put you through year of proceedings. She wouldn't leave your house. She wouldn't, she doesn't acknowledge reality. Fine. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and just assume that she is very,

very sick. But you put her back in a situation where she has never been successful in the past. And so you've got to own your part of this. And that means getting well and getting healthy means owning the transition out of this mess. There is no possible way this happens cleanly or without, it can happen cleanly. It doesn't happen without chaos, without accusations, without I'm not leaving, without somebody getting arrested, without, there is no go ye gentle into that good night. That will not happen here. Just know that. Just know that. But I'm going to treat her with dignity and respect.

I've asked her to leave. She won't leave. I'm going to call the sheriff in Texas. I'm going to ask for assistance removing somebody, a former roommate from my home because they will not leave. And they should come help you out. And if they don't,

then it's time to get a lawyer. And a lawyer will, you will hire them to work on your behalf. But it's time, it's time, it's time. And then you, my brother, are going to have to do the hard, hard work of making community there in San Antonio. Because you can't live in isolation. You can't live by yourself. And you can't continue to call people who are not well

to come in and try to be that band-aid for you while you're hurting, man. Sorry you're going through this, my brother. I wish you all the best in the future. Be very clear. Ask for help. Receive help. And then for God's sake, man, create an accountability plan so you don't find yourself in these exact same situations again in the future. Thanks for calling my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, let's go back to the Lone Star State on the right side of DFW in Fort Worth and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Well, I didn't grow up in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could.

That a girl. Way to go. Way to go. What's up? My husband and I are not on the same page about kids anymore. So I wrote in with my question, how do I cope with emotions of fear and anxiety that my husband will not agree to adopt our foster baby? Do you know, do you know for certain he's not going to adopt this baby? Well, I've always felt that his attitude is more of no I don't know for certain I think he's more of a maybe I think he's um he can be convinced and maybe more time and bonding will change his tune but I feel a sense of guilt because I'll change him I'll change him I will change him

No woman has ever thought that about a man Ever I know I sound crazy And no man has ever been like No I for sure like told you Whatever the thing is And I'll change him

So here's I know I'm sorry I'm interrupting you. You're making me laugh because A, you're awesome. And B, I know your heart is good. And C, oh boy, right? Anytime somebody tells me they are anxious about a potential outcome, I always want to default to a very simple yet devastating statement, okay? It's just a few words.

Facts are your friend. So before you get anxious, before you get worked up, before you start creating these narratives about what about this, what about this, and I'm going to try this, I'm scheming. You're coming up with all these blueprints about sitting down with him and saying, I need to know right now. Will you be willing to adopt this baby? I'm almost afraid to keep bringing it up. I know. Okay. Why? Is it because you're afraid of being devastated and having to be married to a man that won't see this through with you?

Or are you devastated because you know, I can't stay in this relationship if this is actually true? Oh, we're going to stay in the relationship. I know that my marriage is the first priority. And I did go into this foster experience expecting having foster children that would be reunified. And we just didn't expect to get a week old baby that probably will not be reunified with biological parents and probably will be available for adoption. And it's just, I'm in love with this baby. And my husband's like, his intention is not to adopt. He just says, you know, you're doing a bait and switch.

I was going to foster. We were going to foster only, you know. But my heart has changed. Have you said that exact word, that exact phrase? No. That's the phrase that needs to be spoken. Have you said that exact word, that exact phrase? No That's the phrase that needs to be spoken Because bait and switch is an accusation That you lied to me in order to

You tricked me That's very different than my heart has changed I held a little baby and everything's different now So here's a good example In my house, This is not for everybody. This is just for me. Okay my wife was a stone cold she still is but Back when we were younger, she was a gangster professional She's one of the best teachers i've ever seen in my life ever and I worked alongside teachers my whole career And then when she transitioned to become a professor, she was unbelievable as a professor,

as a researcher and all that. And she made good money. I made good money. So together, we had a good combined income. And so when it came to like buying houses and she got pregnant, we're like, we need to get a house. I said, I want to wait until you hold that baby because I want our household to be free for you to go, whoa,

forget all of this work stuff. I'm staying here. And that didn't happen initially. Right? But listen, I waited for that

because I didn't, it wasn't going to be a bait and switch. I wanted to honor her heart wherever that went, and I didn't want to be tied to a stupid mortgage. I'd much rather rent and be in peace, right? So for you, it's not a bait and switch. It's, no, we're going to foster, we're going to foster, we're going to foster. Holy smokes, this baby's mine. That's different, right? But you, though, have to speak up and be heard, even though the risk is he may look at you and say, I don't care, no.

He's showing a little bit more favor. Now you're baiting and switching him. You see? Now you're starting to try to play games so that he'll want to keep this kid. Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah, I don't want to manipulate him. There you go.

And you're starting to be like, well, he's really quiet. I'm going to go hand him to him right now. And I'm going to, yeah, don't do that. Okay, so just describe to him how my feelings have changed because i used to not want kids either but it's like after i turned 35 it's just something just i feel like it's changing in me

sure and listen i i think the um you were really honoring how he feels. And you're really honoring his original commitment, which is I don't want kids. What you're not doing is honoring how you feel on an equal playing field. And you deserve to be honored in the exact same way. And so in the same way that he is making his feelings very clear to you, you have a right as a co-creator of that household to state out loud, my heart has changed. And I didn't want kids forever.

And then I held this baby. It's different now. And you and him are then going to have to make a decision on what moving forward looks like. And that probably won't be fun and that probably won't be pleasant or it might be wonderful. Who knows? Who knows?

Is there anything I can do to help him be more open to the idea? Because he doesn't want me to quit my job. I'm not even approaching that yet. Is that in your soul? Like if he came to you tonight and said, Hey, I've been thinking I want to adopt this baby. I want you to stay at home.

I want you to be a full-time stay-at-home mom and take care of this kid. Would that lift your spirits? Oh, I'd love that. I'm feeling like so stressed because I'm not giving a great performance at work and trying to do both. And my mind's focused on this three-month-old baby and my husband's feelings.

So yeah, I don't even care about work anymore. Do you hear who just got buried there? My work sucks. I got to take care of this baby, and I got to take care of my husband. You're right. And so I'm going to take me and put her in a concrete box and bury her in the backyard until this whole thing blows over at age 18.

And that's when couples wake up and realize, I don't know you anymore. The only path forward is honesty and vulnerability. And the sucky thing is honesty and vulnerability and the sucky thing about honesty and vulnerability is you can get really really hurt because you can say my heart changed and he can say i don't care and now what was an issue about being parents is now an issue of i am married to a man that thinks so little of my heart changing that I'm frozen forever. Y'all have to deal with that. The same way that he's going to have to deal with, my wife made some ironclad commitments to me and her heart changed.

No fault of her own, but it changed. And so what else has changed? What else might change in the future? It's unnerving too. That's true. But not saying those things out loud as a couple? Dude. Secrets destroy relationships.

It is the fear that has been making it swirl in my head and not come out in conversation. So I hear you. The honesty is, I need to be more direct and honest. Usually one of two things are at play here. That you've been spending so much time in other people's heads and you have experienced your first couple of months of life with an infant and so you are so sleep deprived that it's just hard to kind of filter reality a little bit. Or you know exactly what's going to happen to your relationship

if you are totally vulnerable and honest. He's not going to depart. I do feel off kilter, like this baby brain feeling of confusion sometimes, but I do believe he's there for me and I just need to take that leap of faith. Okay. Yes. Remember, all relationship is a risk. All of it. You can be married two months. You can be dating two weeks. You can be married 70 years. It's always a risk when you go all in and tell the truth. With your spouse, with your kids, with your employer, all relationship is a risk.

It's hard. It's scary. And so we're not having this conversation so that you can trick him or convince him this conversation is so that you can put all your cards on the table you can open your hands up and say i'm being fully present i'm being here and this is my heart's changed i love that i love that the sentiment of that i love that statement my heart's changed. I love that. I love the sentiment of that. I love that statement. My heart's changed. That's a powerful, powerful statement. I'm different now.

And I'm hoping you'll come on this adventure with me. And possibly even be honest and then say, I know this is a lot. And so let's reconvene in a week. Let's reconvene in 10 days. I don't have to do it all right now because I want to give you some time to process and think through it.

But there's no bait and switch here. I didn't trick you. My heart changed. Things are different now. And as somebody who's co-creating a life with each other, with you, you got to know all of it. Start there.

Let us know how that conversation goes and we'll be thinking about you it's a tough one tough one tough one and by the way thank you for being somebody who fosters little babies those are the un you are the unsung heroes of our communities and our neighborhoods and our states and our country. Amazing. Amazing. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go out to where my parents live in Abilene, Texas and talk to Tracy. What's up, Tracy? Hey.

We're hot here. Tracy, is this Tracy Tracy? This is Tracy Tracy. Oh my Tracy, Tracy, Tracy. How in the world are you? I'm doing great. How are you? You've known me for a long time and I

am speechless right now. I'm excited. You Oh man. Alright, so I'm speechless right now. I'm excited. Oh, man. All right. So for the rest of y'all listening, Tracy, how would you classify? Tracy ran my life for years.

And Tracy was, had a, like, on this show and in just, in books and wherever, I've talked about just melting down.

Like, being doubled over with anxiety and just really melting and having to figure my way back out. Tracy had a ringside seat to that.

You watched it real close up. And, Tracy is one of the people that I credit with being the tether that kept me held to reality when things got real thin and scary. So I could tell with your voice, Tracy. Good gracious. It's so good to hear from you. Me too. I'm excited to talk to you. Oh man. All right. What have you done now? Just kidding. What are you up to? Well, I just had a hard day the other day and I said, I'm going to just write all this down and see if I can get some help. And then I got a call. So I was like, Ooh, that's different than I expected. Well, number one, thank you for reaching out.

And two, you can always just call my cell phone. You're in my inner circle. You're in my super inner circle. I'm only here because you were in my life and made sure I was fed and watered for a couple of years. All right, so what's going on? How can I help? Well, I have an adult child, 27 years old. She came a little later in life.

There's 10 years separation between her and her older siblings. But she was a baby. I knew she was going to be my last child, and I kind of ruined her. I spoiled the heck out of her, which I enjoyed every second of it. And I had people telling me all the way, hey, you're not doing the right thing. Give me an example. I didn't. What do you mean? I never said no. I just figured there's a way we can make everything. We can make everything happen. We can make

everything work. She's super smart, talented, charming, highly capable. So I followed everything, went to everything, encouraged everything, paid for everything, whatever you need, we got it. You know, just everything. And so what happened recently that sets you off? Well, it's been a little while, but it just seems like maybe the veil has been lifted from in front of me and I'm seeing it a little different. She has a little bit of a tendency to self-sabotage, so she never really gets to the success level. So she can see what that feels like or enjoy that, which always leaves her kind of in a mess.

What does she get when she gets in a mess? Well, she quits her job or gets fired. No, no, no. Underneath that, what does she get? I don't know. No, no, no. Underneath that, what does she get? I don't know. Attention, maybe. I can think, other than my wife and two or three of my closest friends, and this is just me talking to my friend right now.

Mm-hmm. I can think of a few, oh, crap. Tracy, I'm going to get all choked up. I can think of few people in the world that have had more of a positive impact in a one-on-one just listening and making me feel like everything was going to be okay than you. You did that for me personally

right at about her same age, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And if that's what you get for getting fired, I'd get fired every other week. I had to stay employed to get that with you. Me too. Yeah, exactly.

That meant you had to make sure both of us were still employed. So if that's what she gets, if she gets some special one-on-one time with an extraordinary listener and an extraordinary encourager and an extraordinary, it's going to be okay, we're going to figure it out, then I don't know why I would need anything else. Everyone's pushing me to get these other things. That's what I want because that's incredible. Well, and I love it. I love spending the time. I love being the ear that listens and hug that comforts. I love doing that. But things have kind of shifted a little bit to being and no longer really thankful or appreciative, more like kind of an O. We owe it.

Ah, okay. The financial help, the drop what you're doing, you know, I'm coming, I'm staying, stay up all night, even though we have to get up and go to work or, you know. Sure. Just things are just different. And I don't want to break down the barrier of being the one that is the safety net or the comforting hug. I don't want to break that at all.

I just don't know the best way to help and still protect us. How is this affecting husband? He loves me and he says he'll do whatever I want to do. But I'm sure, you know, if I'm feeling some anxiety about it, he's got to be feeling some too. If it was just me and him having a drink out there in West Texas, what would he tell me? He'd probably say, she needs to put a stock to this. Right. And he'd tell me that too.

I've hung out with him. So does the name Dr. Henry Cloud ring a bell? I don't think I know who Henry Cloud is. Okay. Him and a guy named John Townsend wrote a book long ago called Boundaries. He's a psychologist. And I'm going to quote him because I love the way he says it. He says it real direct.

And here's what he said. He said, in your situation, what your daughter needs more than anything in the world, she knows you love her and she knows you will be there for her. What she needs more than anything is she needs some problems. Because the one person she doesn't know will show up for her is her.

Because that person's never had to. And the way we get problems is we sit down, usually with our significant other, and we say, okay, we're going to implement some boundaries here, and it's going to really be uncomfortable for everybody. And she'll kick and scream and say, you don't love me, and you're leaving me out to dry, and I can't believe you abandoned me and all that.

And you, as a grown-up, will have to deal with how bad that hurts, because you know that's not true and what you have to transition from now is a it feels good right now it like it feels really awesome this evening to have her come home and hug and to make dinner and to just listen to her because she's hilarious and think i'm aiming for a 35-year-old functional adult. Right. That is bringing their paid-for car over to my driveway. Or they're driving me around in their nice car that they paid for to help me find a good retirement home for me, right? Yeah.

So, ultimately, it's sitting down and saying something along the lines of and I honestly at this at this stage at 27 I'd put it in writing and that may be overly dramatic, which I have a flair for for the overdramatic, but I'd probably put into writing like You're always welcome at our house, but at midnight we lock the doors you You can't come in. You can't wake us up From this point forward we don't we're not giving you any more money outside of x or y or z or here's five thousand bucks And this is it Um If you get fired from your job, I will sit in the back porch and I will commiserate with you

I'm, not giving you money. I'm not making another call for you. You're going to have to figure out what happens next. If you want to move into an apartment, you can move into an apartment. This may be a weird question. When you were young, did you get hung out to dry? No. Not exactly. That's the most tracy answer did you have to figure things out at a real young age oh yes very young uh-huh how young 15 okay do you remember that not being fun or lonely or isolating or scary? I remember it being challenging, but now that I know myself, I think I like challenges.

But maybe I like challenges because I figured things out. I don't know. But I don't remember hating it. I think that might be the greatest gift you give her. It just is 12 years later than you got it. So imagine a world where you say, I love you. No more money.

I love you. You can't live here anymore. Or you got, you got three months. You got to find your own apartment. You got to find your own place. You got to find your own place. I don't even know if she's living with you, whatever,

but whatever boundaries you draw, um, you got to pay your own car insurance and your own cell phone bill. You're 27 years old for crying out loud. And you can tell her I've already, uh, had to babysit one other 27 year old years ago named John. And I'm not doing it again.

I'm doing it again. Um, what happens after that? I don not doing it again. I'm not doing it again. What happens after that? I don't know what happens. I hope good things happen. I know down the road, but you have a picture of that conversation. Does she hear that well and go, you're right. It's time for me to

like, how would that conversation go? She's probably going to get mad and storm away and I won't hear from her for a while. Okay. And then she slams the door and storm away and I won't hear from her for a while. Okay. And then she slams the door and walks out and your husband looks at you. Walk me through what you would feel right then. Because it's happened before. I would feel crushed and I would cry, but also probably relieved.

She's not a child. She doesn't need our safety net. She needs to figure it out on her own, but it would still crush me. What if I told you she doesn't get a vote? Does that sound like gobbledygook counseling nonsense? No, that's why I called. It doesn't sound like gobbledygook counseling nonsense? No, that's why I called. It doesn't sound like nonsense. So I had this experience right after I moved from the city where we worked together. And I took my next job.

Hank, I think, was still two and a half, maybe three. And as long as I live, I won't forget this moment. I walked in the front door, and I saw Hank in the hallway, little bitty kid. And I said, come here, Bubba. And I had my backpack on, and I crouched down to be at eye level with him. And he looked at me, and he said, no, Daddy. And he took off running down the hall. And my first thought was, because you suck at being a dad. Maybe if you were here, and you weren't taking more graduate classes

after you're already done with grad school, and maybe if you would just, and I just started, I created this whole story. And I told Sheila and told my wife and her first response was, John, the only game you play with him is chase. He's trying to, that's how he knew how to connect with you. And that was the first like, oh man, I missed it. And then as I went down the rabbit hole, I got to thinking,

why have I given my two and a half year old a voice into how I feel? He's my kid. He doesn't get to dictate that. My wife does two or three of my closer friends do you in my life. Tracy did. Right. Like you had permission to speak into my soul right like why would i give that to my kid my kids are emotional i'm their parent right so

it comes back to saying practicing that oh you don't get a vote if your husband tells you hey you're being a terrible person well we didn't have that conversation if two or three of your close friends tell you that we didn't have that conversation if If two or three of your close friends tell you that, we need to have that conversation. If your kid tells you, it hurts, it stings, but you don't get a vote. I'm moving here. I'm doing this, right?

And I think the magic word for me has been, that's something I have to practice. It's just a skill set I don't have. Right. But it's going to be awful. I hate to tell you that. It won't be fun. I've been practicing it in my mind. I know it's going to be awful. I hate to tell you that. It won't be fun. I've been practicing it in my mind.

I know it's not going to be fun. Can you practice it in real life? I don't know. It seems like the thing has come... You have to make an immediate decision. And I think that's part of the game. Okay, that's where I would really challenge you. I've got to do it right now.

I need this right now. I would challenge you and your husband on that one. I think setting it up and going out to that Cracker Barrel out there and saying, here's what's going to happen now. Because it takes it out of the immediacy, and we have to fire this thing off, and it's much more intentional, and you hold all the cards you are setting up a breakfast you are setting up the new boundaries you are handing over a sheet of paper here's how we're going to honor and love you and you can say that we don't love you if we don't give you everything you want but this is going to

be the new reality because we have to let you fly on your own. You got to learn how to do it. And so that makes it less immediate. And if she fires back with, what about this? What about this? What about this? The response has got to be, that's a great question. I'll think about that. We'll holler back at you. I'm not going to give you the right answer right now because that's not the point of this conversation. This conversation is to let you know from this point forward here's what the boundaries

are going to look like. It just takes that immediacy out of it. Like that frantic, oh, I got to do it right now. Okay, you can stay. And now we're like, oh, crap.

Now you're staying. Or I'll give you a thousand bucks. Just don't do anything stupid. It takes all that away. How's that sound? or I'll give you a thousand bucks. Just, just don't do anything stupid. Um, it keeps, it takes all that away. How's that sound? Sounds okay. Hard.

Yeah. How about this? Here's my promise. You think she'd call into the show after you'll have that conversation and tell me how much she hates me. I don't know. All right. She might.

Probably not. All right, here's the deal. You text my private cell number after the conversation, and if she throws a fit and goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S, you can tell her, John will talk to you. And I'd love to have her version on the show too. Okay. There's no chance she'll do that, but that would be awesome if she did, Tracy.

That would be awesome. I would love to hear the other side of it too, because I know there's two sides. I don't know. I don't know about with you. You're one of the few good ones. So, hey, before I let you go, in front of all these people that are listening, can I just tell you thank you for being ride or die with me

when I was falling apart? Like, for real. I'm really, really grateful. Thank you for letting me be there. Oh, come on, dude. Are you for real? I told you that story about the time we were having to make some really tough budget cuts

and included a lot of personnel positions. And one day we were driving, me and my wife, and she goes, oh yeah, hey, John, I can't believe I forgot to tell you. And I turned the window down. I was like, what? And she goes, if you cut Tracy's position, I'm leaving you.

And I was like, why? And she goes, if you cut Tracy's position, I'm leaving you. And I was like, I was like, why? And she goes, she looked at me and her and she like moved her finger back and forth and she's like, because us,

we only work because of her. And I just remember thinking, that's exactly right. So on behalf of everyone, this show is being even possible. Thank you for being that string at the end of my crazy balloon that was floating off the outer space

that kept me tethered to the ground. And thank you for honoring me by calling in on the show. You've got my cell number. You call me anytime, day or night. And I love you. I'm so, so, so grateful for you. And if I can help in any other way,

holler back at me. We'll have you back on the show. And I'd love to have your daughter on the show as well. You guys are awesome. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, we had to go with the great and powerful Pat Green. Shout out to my brother Aaron Watson, but we had to go with Pat Green here, man. Song's called Girls from Texas on an all Texas show. Song goes like this.

Girls from Georgia are sweeter than peaches. Ones from California are made for bathing suits and beaches. Well, this is going to get me canceled. Minnesota gals look great in a sweater. But the girls from Texas are just a little bit better.

Mississippi's got them Delta Queens. And Louisiana Cajun girls beat all I've ever seen. Ever kiss a girl from Kansas, you sure won't forget her. The girls from Texas are just a little bit better. Hell yeah, we are. Actually, I've lied about all of their tattoos. Kelly does have this tattoo in Old English across her back. Girls from Texas are just a little bit better.

Whoa. Love you guys. We'll see you soon.