The Dr. John Delony Show - My Shopping Addiction Is Ruining my Marriage

Episode Date: August 20, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A woman struggling with a shopping addiction -          A wife wondering if she should leave her husband -          A woman dealing with a controlling fiancé  Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Since January, I've spent about $14,000 on shopping. Originally, I ended up everything that I spent just to kind of give myself a shock of how much I spent. And even after doing that, I'd go back to shopping again. Who told Tia, when Tia was young, that she wasn't beautiful, or she didn't look right? What up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLone's show. I hope you're doing good. I really, really do.

I hope you're doing well. And you've got a moment of clarity, a moment of peace. Maybe you're doing something important or not important or whatever, but I'm just super grateful that you're with us. Whether you're driving around or mowing or vacuuming or cleaning something or avoiding somebody or sitting in a coffee shop or wherever you happen to be consuming this, I'm just super grateful that you are with us. We're talking about your marriage, your mental, emotional health,

struggles with addiction whatever you got going on your kids everything that's what we talk about on this show and i'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's your next right move let's go out to salt lake city and talk to tia what's up tia hi how are you i'm doing all right how about you i'm okay just feeling a little nervous it's all good man i'm not very good at this so we'll both be nervous together okay what's up so since january i've spent about 14,000 dollars on shopping. And because of that, I've just been carrying so much guilt. I've done everything that I can think of to stop shopping, whether it's like deleting the apps, deleting my

card. I've been open with my husband about my spending habits. And originally I added up everything that I spent just to kind of give myself a shock of how much I've spent. And even after doing that, I would still, after a week, I'd go back to shopping again. At the beginning, when we were doing our like paying off our debt i was the one with the spreadsheets and with being so a stick with to our budget and now i just can't seem to get back to that mindset and i feel like i'm spiraling and i just i feel like i can't stop yeah it's scary to feel out of control like your body in your mind or on a roller coaster right and you can't get off huh yeah exactly well um so let's let's slap it up and flip it and reverse it is that cool can we come with this at a new

angle yeah all right so what does shopping let's ask this what are you buying um mainly buying clothes and jewelry okay so this isn't like you're not prepping for something and buying extra freezers or no um this is just like adornment stuff so what does shopping for jewelry and for clothes what does i get you because it's helping you out in some way what's it what's it helping you with protecting you from? I think it's given me some confidence. I just feel good when I have like good clothes on and jewelry and just I for a long time. I mean I recently after having my daughter I gained weight and so I just wasn't feeling confident like I was before. So after doing all this I feel more confident but it just seems like I just can't stop. Yes, we're past the confidence.

Take me to what you just said about you had a baby and you gained weight, which is what happens when you grow a human inside of you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take me before you had this baby to times you've struggled with how you look. I mean, I was very active. I had an active job. and then once I got married and moved, I quit that job so that I wasn't as active as I was before. I mean, I felt a lot, very much confident when I was more active.

Take me back to when you were a kid. How was a little girl, Tia? She struggled with her weight and how she looked. Yeah. Who told Tia when Tia was young That she wasn't beautiful Or she didn't look right My mom

Tell me about that She would comment on my weight a lot She would tell me that I was She makes night remarks like Oh don't eat bread You're going to get fat Or You should do sit-ups

Look at your stomach Yikes Where was dad um he was there um i mean i i don't know if he knew that she was talking to me like that could he not could he could he not could he not know um that's a good question i'm not sure tell me about a time your dad y'all were driving in a car somewhere or sitting at a coffee shop or just doing stuff and he looked over and said you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen yeah he's he's done that he's yeah tell me about a time um like a like an actual memory that pops

into your mind when i ask that um i mean he's told me how much he's proud of me like that's not what i I asked. That's not what I said. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Tell me about a time he told you, you're the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. Um, actually, I can't think of a time.

Okay. Yeah, I just can't think of anything. Sometimes hurt is things people say to us. Like a mom that's always telling her little daughter that she's too fat or not pretty enough. boys aren't going to like you or you shouldn't eat that because or you need to stop what you're doing and start exercising because I can see your belly but sometimes hurt is also the things that weren't said to us that should have been said to us and you got it from both sides huh yeah so let's take weight off the table for a second tell me about your

relationship with your mom growing up as far back as you can remember. We fought a lot. Tell me about it. She was harsh with me. I'm more shy, quiet, and she would, like, get on me if, like, I wasn't talking or I was just sitting quietly, and she would, I don't know, kind of just nag at me for just being that way. Are you still shy and quiet? a little bit

you answered a little bit as though you're working on it you're trying to be somebody that you're not but yeah I'm trying to I guess I'm trying to get out of that just because maybe because that's what I was told that I shouldn't be

what if the world needed a little bit more a lot more people who were reflective and thoughtful and quiet and less judgmental. Yeah. What if I told you I want more people like your innate natural being walking around

than people who are yelling at each other that you need to fix this and you're not good enough and you don't look right? Yeah. So is this your first kit that you have? Yes, it is. Tell me about her. Or him. I just assumed as a girl. Is it a girl? Yes, it is. She's spunky. She's outgoing. She's so friendly and happy, and she's literally the best kid ever.

I mean, my kids are amazing, but I'll give you this one. So how far along into being a mom are you? She's 16 months. 16 months. Okay. If you were to describe... how you are doing as a mom. Like if you were to be sitting in the audience like Simon Cowell in judging you on a stage, what two or three or four words would you use to describe how you're doing is as a mom? Don't overthink it and don't judge your answer. Just let it rip.

Yes. I'm kind. I'm comforting. Those are agitit. I want you to give me performances like performance scores Like numbers Well, I mean You just let it rip You just gave me

Personality traits or character traits I want you to judge your performance As a mom so far Oh I Okay, I'm thinking too much There are times where I do I guess get overwhelmed and I do snap at her but I always want to be there to comfort her

when she's upset um I'm trying to get beneath the qualifier voice okay okay okay let me ask it in a different way yeah are you a good mom yes or no yes yes do you feel good in your role as a mom Yes I think you're hitting it out of the part No Okay Is there any part of you that's scared That you are going to

Treat your daughter like you were treated Yes Tell me about that Like I said, mine, sorry No, you're okay, take a breath, you're good my mom was like a harsh so sometimes I feel myself being a harsh with her and I know she's little she has understood

but yeah I just I don't I'm frustrated with her yeah you know why because you're human being and 16 months old are both beautiful and fun and they blow up everything your body your marriage your

finances they blow up everything right yeah and yet you still have this mother over your shoulder with their arms crossed judging everything you do you don't look right after being a mom you're kind and compassionate and you're doing a good job but you snap once and then mom's right there over your shoulder going see i told you and now in addition to telling you you you need to do more sit-ups and look more beautiful because your husband's going to leave you um you're also not doing that right either fair yeah so what if i told you and i'm i'm making something up here right what if i told you that maybe your spending is keeping you is is acting as a pretty good buffer it's a way to distract yourself or numb out from that feeling of i don't want

this to happen again and it's really painful to enter back into that relationship with this little girl. Yeah, it's accurate. And so blaming the spending, trying to white knuckle through spending, like, I'm going to tell you, like, you got to stop doing that, right? It's going to cause all kind of pain in your marriage.

And like, there's just a math problem that you're creating. And at the end of the day, you know, as well as I do, that this comes out in, shame comes out in a bunch of different ways. You might start hiding and your husband will be like, where's my wife or you'll snap at him or he'll say hey we got to stop and you'll feel judged again you'll come after him or you'll snap at this little girl so we have to stop we have to stop spending but until we get to the root of what is spending getting you what is just this constant search for

I need to be beautiful I want to feel good inside what is that actually trying to protect you from What are some things your husband has said to you? Nothing. I mean, he's like the kindest, sweetest person ever. He might be nice, but it's not kind to watch somebody that he loves, A, like, begin to erode the financial security of a family, but also just constantly be in struggle and a pain, right? Yeah, that's true. He might be really nice and did not want to. and be non-confrontational, but sometimes that's not kind, right?

Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, he's very non-confrontational. Okay. When's the last time he looked at you and said, my God, you're so beautiful? I think it was on Sunday. Okay. So he's starting to change that narrative inside, right?

Yes. Or he may not be changing the narrative. He's trying. Yeah, he is. Or weirdly, he might just think you're beautiful, which is hard for you to internalize. when you've got however many years of your mom telling you that you're not.

Yes. And so some of this is going to be you sitting down with your husband and saying, look, I'm starting to hear my mom's voice again, judging me for how I'm parenting, how I look, how lovable I am. And I want you to walk alongside me, and I'm going to give you permission

to begin to call out when you see me or experience me or hear me talking to myself in a way that's just simply not true. Is your husband trustworthy in that way? Yes. Okay. The second thing is, I want you to take the time, you've probably heard me say this a million times on this show,

but I want you to write nine-year-old you a letter and say nine-year-olds are allowed to be pudgy. My God. Nine-year-olds aren't supposed to be doing, sit-ups because their tummies are too big. They're supposed to be out running around playing, having fun. And then to really change addictive action, you're going to have to put some major breaks,

some major hurdles in front of you. So you said you've cut up cards, you've deleted the apps, whatever. How do you end up going back to jewelry and clothing websites and things like that? I just download it again and put everything back. Yeah. Okay.

what I want you to begin to do is two things. Number one, when you start to download everything, I want you to remember this conversation. And I want you to, before, I'm going to give you permission. Pull them back out, pull your phone back out, and download those apps. But before you do that, I want you to promise me and all the listeners

that you're going to exhale and take a deep breath and exhale three times. Okay. And that you will carry a small little journal with you in your purse or in the, wherever you find yourself downloading this stuff again. And I want you to write down what you are feeling in this particular moment. I don't feel beautiful right now.

I feel bored right now. I feel scared right now. I don't feel lovable. I don't feel sexual anymore. Like, whatever the things you're wrestling with, I want you to write those things down, okay? Yes. And here's the second thing. I want to challenge you for 30 days to go caustic.

You know what that means? Um, no. I want you to go scorched earth. I want you to either turn your phone completely off and put it in a drawer for 30 days. I want you to challenge yourself to just not download apps for 30 days. Okay. And at the end of 30 days, if you want to download them again, download them again. Okay.

And before you download them, I want you to do one more thing. to be really annoying, okay? Okay. I want you to get a picture of your mom. Do you have one in your house somewhere? Yes. Okay. I want you to get a picture out.

I want you to look at her and say, Mom, I'm doing this for you. Okay. Because deep down, I think you may have been right about some of the mean, awful things you said to me. Yeah. And hopefully, that puts the brakes on. I'm not giving you that.

I'm changing my family tree, not just financially, I'm changing the way we talk to each other in this house. Yeah. Can you do those things? Yes, I can't. Okay. So let's come up with a plan.

Also, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with the every dollar app. It's the budgeting app that I use that my friends and community use that we use here at the office. I'm going to give it to you for a year. It's the every dollar app and it links your purchases to your bank but also to your husband. You know, I can keep each other accountable. And if we get to a point in 45 days, 60 days where I've got to take my name. I've got to disconnect this spinning app husband.

I want you to change the online code to the bank. So I can't just like we're going to put some major hurdles in front of us. But I have a feeling that linking these things together is going to really help. And then going scorchirts for 30 days, just breaking this pattern. Anybody can white knuckle anything for 30 days. I'm proud of you, Tia. This is one of those moments. You got a 16-month-old girl, and we talk about this.

Like, I'm going to change my family tree, and we try to grind through some stuff. This is about you making peace with. Man, you were treated like hell growing up. And I'll be damned if my daughter's going to experience this, too. And by the way, from the sounds of it, you're a great, great mom. It's an honor to get to talk to you. We come back. A woman asks how to begin leaving her husband with a gambling problem.

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That's cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney to say 40% off your entire purchase. Sleep cooler, lounge lighter, stay cozy. All right, let's go out to a Harvard bar in Boston. That didn't sound right at all. Talk to Mary. What's up, Mary? Hi, how are you?

I'm great. How about you? Good, good. I am calling for some advice. I've been married for 15 years. and my husband has a severe gambling problem, which also includes him being extremely sneaky and lying a lot. And he's really financially devastated us, destroyed my credit, and I'm just tired of it and I'm

over it, and I need to know if I'm being irrational wanting to get out of this marriage. And I also don't know how to move forward with doing it affordability-wise. It's a hard situation. We have a 10-year-old child with special needs. So I'm just kind of looking to see if I'm thinking I'm on the right track and making the right decision. No. I mean, you have a partner who's making you incredibly unsafe in a bunch of different ways. and so that that's that again i take a broad view of fidelity right um and that that is not

being a person of fidelity that's a person who is refusing to get help for a pretty traumatic um traumatic trauma is used overused i think but uh a devastating as you said to use your words a devastating um struggle with addiction that is not just a personal thing he's destroying you he's destroying the path ahead for your special needs kid he's destroying all you know the trust all that stuff so no i don't think you're crazy at all i don't think you're crazy at all i do think this is the the scary reality that women in your situation face often is um there's a math problem to solve here right right that's my biggest hurdle is the math problem the little that i do get for contribution from him wait wait what does that mean what does that mean well it means i i mean well it means i

I mean, I pay the majority. I pay our rent. I pay my own bills, my own car payment, my own, you know, any credit card bills. So you're already on your own? Right, but he does pay for, you know, our weekly food shopping and pays our utilities. And I wouldn't be able to sustain all of that on my own income. And we're still behind in utilities because half of his paycheck every week disappears to, I don't know, he has a new story every week. and obviously I know where it's going, but the little help I do get, I just can't do it all

on my own without, I financially can't do it all. Sure. So I think it's, this is me, I'm just going to talk to you just direct. Normally I would talk to you for a lot longer, get some more context here, but I'm going to be pretty direct. Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely. The thought of, I'm out, like I'm over and I'm done, right?

there's a sense that I'm going to separate from this and get on with my life I just need to figure out this $500 gap or this $700 gap whatever you leave a 15-year marriage you have to understand I'm leveling the ground of the life I know what does that mean

that means for the safety of me and my child we may have to go to a one-bedroom apartment for the next four years we may have to fill in the blank He may have to go to a different school, your child, or she may have to stop seeing the three different professionals and go to a different sort of care. Like, it's about leveling from the floor, not say, not, I live in this house, I drive this car, I have these types of insurances, we have this type of support, and I just need a gap

financially. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay. Yep. So when you talk about leaving a 15-year marriage, especially with somebody who's not well and who gaslight you out of your mind about how they're not well and is willing to take you and your special lead child down, you have to understand, I am wiping the deck on the life as I know it. Right.

And I have to reverse engineer reality here. Right. And you may be in a situation where you're living in a house where your mortgage is less than rent. That may be the case. But maybe not. It's just a matter if we're going to have to sell a house, we're going to have to possibly move. I might have to get a new job. It's all of that stuff.

So tell me where you are financially. Yep. So we did own a house at one point, but we sold our home because we needed to move to a different part of the state so we could get my daughter into the right schooling. So we now do rent and our rent is unfortunately significantly higher than our mortgage was because we did this during COVID and things are just kind of crazy and insane. Sure. So, you know, our rent is higher.

He doesn't have a car currently because his second car was just repossessed a couple weeks ago. The first one, I was a co-signer on. So I have an issue with we've been established in our apartment for a few years now. And I no longer have the credit to be able to apply somewhere else for a new apartment or even the money to, you know, do a first and last somewhere. So I feel stuck in that regard. And I also, you know, even if I do get a little bit of money from him, from child support, I don't even have the money to file court fees for divorce and child support and custody and things like that. So it's like I can't even legally move forward because I'm so strapped with money issues.

Would he fight you on a divorce? No, I don't think so. if he won't fight you there's a way to do it very inexpensively okay um i mean it's i've i've i've have several colleagues who have who have gotten divorced they shook hands they and they i mean it was like 400 bucks but they didn't fight each other they went down to the court they did they downloaded some some papers online filled them out shook hands and just called it they acted like adults in the separation okay okay i would be stunned if he let you walk away like that because you're his gravy train. Right. Maybe he will. Or maybe his shame is so overwhelming that he just

needs somebody to stop the boat, right? And maybe he'd let you go. But if he would, there's ways to do it very, very inexpensively. Okay. There's also community resources, and I don't know them off top my head in Boston, but I would research those community resources. And there's, man, there's millions of women who get trapped in. I make just enough money to pay my rent. to get my kid over to school, but I don't make enough money to qualify for some of these programs. You're going to have to just figure that math out for yourself.

Yeah, yep. Do you have family connections there in your area? I do. I do. I'm close with my family. Okay, it may be for six months or a year, I've got to move in with family. Right.

And that is awful. I wouldn't wish that out anybody. And not even because family's great, but it just uproots everything. What type of special needs does your child have? My daughter is deaf. and she's on the autism spectrum. Okay.

How, what's her, what's her, trying to use a non-nerd word here. How social is she? She's very social. Okay, okay. All right, so she gets around and can make a way, okay, all right. What is her ability to grasp social situations? Could you talk to her about what's going on? I don't think she would quite understand that.

We do communicate the assignment. language but I know I feel like there is a little bit of a language barrier and her school is very good at helping communicate when things when you know if a family member passes away they've been good in the past helping communicate these types of things so I'm sorry to get assistance so if you got some support just somebody to sit with you where he said hey we're moving into uncle Joey's house or grandma's house for for a while we're going to have a fun adventure and it's going to be different and new and dad's really sick and so he's going to go get some help that he needs Like, how old is this kid?

My daughter's 10. Okay, yeah. So it's varying degrees, and I'll let you be the expert on your child, obviously, and get some support. But, I mean, it's that. And if you haven't already, I would freeze my credit. I have. Okay, great. So nobody can take out anything against you anymore.

And then it's just about looking at your credit report and see what kind of mess you have. Yeah, it's a mess. Tell me how much of a mess. How much in the hole are you? Um, well, I mean, my bills and my name are a good and up to date, but probably outside of my car payment, I probably have about $10,000 in credit card debt overall. Um, and then I have a $3,000 a month rent. Um, but I have repossession from my husband's car being repossessed and, um, just things that have been late. But, but part of the problem is too is that my husband for many, many years was a 10, 99 employee and never file taxes appropriately. And now we owe about $65,000 to the IRS. And I'm very afraid that my check is end up going to be,

my paycheck's going to be garnished at some point because it's so many years old. And I don't even know how to begin with that, which is completely separate. But it's, you know, it's just all cumulative. All of it's building up between, you know, him spending all this money on bookies and online gambling and everything else. Okay, I need you to do something for me. It's going to be very, very hard, okay? Mm-hmm.

I want you, and this is going to sound nuts, and we're going to come back to this in a year. Okay. Every second you spend going back, being angry and enraged that this man you married has blown your life up so much is an ounce of energy you're not using to move forward and save yourself and your child. Okay.

Okay. So the more energy or discussions you have, about what he did with bookies and all of this and the repossession, you have a serious crisis on your hands. Let's just get to solving the crisis. Yep. And there's part of you that's going to have the grief about the failed marriage, part of you's going to have the grief about this man

that instead of being a husband who lifted his family up and took care of his family has absolutely thrown an anchor around your neck and dropped you in the middle of the ocean, right? All that will come in waves, but we're going to, for the next year, do the best we can to get out of this crisis. Okay. That's what I need to do. How much do you owe?

I mean, how much do you make? I make, my salary is close to $75,000 a year from my individually. Combine we make about $150 on paper. Okay. Again, we're going to go $75. Okay. And you're going to look at that number and it's going to be half of what the fantasy has been for a long time and we're going to be pissed off about that and then we're going to go move forward,

okay? Okay. I am super great. It relieves me that you make 75K. Okay. And that you have family support. Okay? That's pretty awesome.

It is not awesome that you might have to call your mom or your father or one of your sisters and say, I got to move in for a year. Right. And I'll pay you a thousand bucks and that's going to free up $2,000 for you. Yes. And a buddy of mine actually one time sat down and called 10 apartment complexes in a major metropolitan city with a credit score of zero, and nine out of ten of them accepted him.

Oh, wow, okay. And so there's this fallacy that he did have to have first month in all of them, and I think first and last in several. So it might take you several months of paying mom $1,000 a month, and your mom might say, absolutely not. You're not paying me anything. Who knows? But I'm going to take that $2,000 and I'm going to scratch and claw,

or I'm going to take $1,500 of that, and I'm going to save up this money so that I can get first, in last month's rent and I'm going to knock on doors at a safe apartment complex in six months or in a year. And then we're going to, I'm going to hook you up with the tax pros, okay? So I work at a place called Ramsey Solutions and they've got relationships with tax pros in your area so you can go to Ramsey Solutions.com slash tax. And I want you to put your zip code in there and they'll send you several tax professionals and I want you to reach out to one. Okay. Or reach out to all of them and interview them.

work for you, okay? Okay. And they're going to be able to walk you through exactly, hey, you're not liable for this or you are liable for this or we're going to file this or whatever, okay? Okay. And that might be 500 bucks. It might be 5,000 bucks. $5,000 against $75,000 of wage garnishment plus penalties is worth that every second, right?

Every second. All day long. And so let's solve this problem in order of importance. importance number one you have to find a place to live Yep Number two You have to make sure

You've got food And your child has food Right Number three You got to keep your transportation Because you got to get to and from work Right so we're going to go down You have to have water and electricity

We're going to cover those four walls Mm-hmm They're going to do with ego They're going to do with pride You make 75,000 bucks How old are you? I am 46 46 year olds making 75 grand

Should not be living with their parents And yet here we are Right There's some ego there, there's some frustration, some anger. All that's great. But we're going to go do the next right thing in order of importance, okay? We're going to sit down with husband and say, I'm leaving, I'm moving out, because that's the decision I've made.

By the way, I can't be held responsible for you deciding to end your marriage, okay? Right, I know. I'm assuming you're down that road. I can hear it. You're done. I'm there. I'm there. Okay, so you could print off the papers.

You could fill them out, and you could hand them to them. Okay. if there's retirement accounts out there that are $400,000 and you're like you're not walking away with all that matter. I bet if you're in the house of a gambler there's no money left anywhere, right? No, there really is. And I have a very small 401k

that unfortunately I've taken loans against to try to cover rent in the past and whatnot. So, I mean, minimum maximum $20,000 maybe. Okay. So I want you to also be honest about, I'm going to send you Financial Peace University. It's an online course. I want you to watch it, start

to finish okay okay and what it's going to do it's going to empower you like you haven't been empowered before okay okay because it feels like the wall is crushing down a lot of that is rage a lot of anger you make 75k yeah and you have family support that that puts you way ahead of a lot of folks not going to be easy but it's put you way ahead okay right right if you're struggling with gambling I'm getting this call over and over and over and over again. Make today be the day you call somebody. You've got to go to meetings. You've got to put some significant hurdles in front of yourself.

And you've got to get well from this catastrophic addiction. It's destroying everybody. Go get the help that you need. Thank you so much for the call, Mary. We come back. A woman asks how to deal with her fiancé's control. over how she dresses. I can already tell you.

Run. We'll be right back. Poncho is back as a supporter of this show, and I'm super jazzed about it. If you've seen me on this show or on stages across the country, I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. I got one on right now.

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So I have a fiancé who's controlling about a lot of things, but my main thing is what are some ways that I can help, I guess, him become more accepting of my clothing choices. I don't dress provocative or exposing as I'm a business, casual, corporate job, but he has a lot of issues with leggings or maxi dresses, because if I wear those, then I'm just asking for attention from other men and acting single. Oh, sister. I know. This isn't the only issue. I was about to say I 100% get that.

So let's put clothing aside. Okay. Wow. I'm taking a deep breath because I tend to overreact. And I'm trying to be present with you, just like you're present, right? What are other ways he acts controlling? So I'm the only one that works. We have four kids. He watches them.

and, you know, that's what we initially agreed to. However, you know, he was aware he needed to get a part-time job. He didn't, so I took it upon myself to get one, and he basically told me if I did that, then we weren't going to be in a relationship, and I told him, well, I was going to take the job. I need to do what I need for, to have my bills paid, basically. That's one thing, like, who I talk to at once.

work if I need assistance with something, I reach out. And if a mail helps me, then, you know, that's a problem. So it's a lot of, like, you know, you can't spend money on this bill because I had a plan to use for trading stocks. And it's just a lot of, like, who I can talk to, who's allowed in our life, what I wear, you know, what I can and cannot post on Facebook. And so it's a lot, a lot of things and we've been together for nine years and I'm honestly at my point because I don't want my kids to have to witness this. How old are your kids? My oldest is seven and then four, three, and one.

I don't know that I will talk to. a person who's carrying more guilt in their life than you, okay? So I'm not saying this to pile this on, okay? I want to be very delicate, but your kids are absorbing every second of this. I know. Not to mention what the air they breathe while you're gone at work, working both of these jobs, because the person you've had kids with is such a freaking bum. Yeah, it's hard because his version of working is wanting to treat.

stocks and he hasn't had much luck with it. You know why? Because nobody has luck trading stocks, contrary to what TikTok tells you. I know. And like, he just tells them mom isn't coming home. So it's hard because then I get home and they're like, well, why did he say this? And so it's, they don't understand, obviously. Why, Lola, this is a loaded question.

Why are you marrying this guy? So we're not married. I know, but you're engaged. You called him your fiancé. Why are you going to marry him? I'm not. He proposed in October, and he basically did it because he said he thought I was going to change, and I didn't deserve it. And I didn't deserve my job or my kids, but I'm at my point because I can't let my kids go through that.

No, no, no, no, no. The most important thing. No, stop. Stop, stop, stop. You are worth more than this. And if I'm the first person who's ever told you that, I am heartbroken for the people that raised you, for the world you grew up in, you are worth so much more than this.

It's hard when he's obviously saying different. I don't have a lot of family support. Yeah, clearly, because I can't imagine a man like this in my family system. And any guy I know hang out with a man in this family, All the guys at the booth are shaking their head. Like, I can't imagine this. Yeah, and it's hard to save up money to move somewhere else because I'm, yeah. I know.

So. So it is very rare that I say what I'm about to say, but you got to get out of this mess. Yeah. And I'm not telling you something you don't know and haven't thought about. Yeah, it's just hard because I don't have a plan and I don't have anywhere to go. Yeah. And thankfully, we're not married, so we don't have to go through the divorce process. Yeah, we all been together for eight years and you've got four kids together, so there will be a legal process.

Right, yeah, I know that. I kind of have that implant. But whenever I bring up, like, trying to figure out when we would have the kids, you know what I mean? Like, I'm just, I get called toxic and I'm that bitter baby mama, but I'm really just wanting something legally. Okay, I need you to, I need you to consider something, okay? I can't make you do anything. Okay. I want you to answer a few questions for me.

Okay. Has your husband been a person of integrity? Does he tell you the truth? Yes or no? yeah he does tell you the truth well i would like to think he's truthful so i guess no yeah let's let's just let's just be honest okay yeah does he tell you the truth that you're just a baby mama you're a leech you don't you don't show up for your kids okay no is he been a man of integrity no no is he a man who is thoughtful

about the finances of his family? No. Is he a man who supports his wife while she's working one and a half jobs and he's at home hanging out with the kids? No. Is he taking care of the emotional and spiritual and physical needs of your four kids? And that includes being a good example, getting them out and about, teaching them how to honor their mother. No. No.

so let's stop going back to that same person who doesn't tell you the truth who doesn't live an honorable life who doesn't honor and respect his wife let's stop going back to that source for information or advice on what to do next that person has disqualified them for any input moving forward and i know that's a terrifying feeling for you because you got no family and friends support right okay Does he control your direct deposit? No, I have a direct deposit going to my own account. He's not on it. Okay. So what we have to do is create a sub-account there and begin to save up money for an apartment, first month's rent. Will that be fun with four kids?

No, it will be a disaster, and that's the world you're in right now. I'm going to hook you up with three months with my friends at better help for free. and when you get on there, you've got a history of trauma, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. And he likes to hold it against me. I know he does.

I want you to repeat after me. He does not get a vote. He said he doesn't get a vote. No, no. I want you to say that. He doesn't get a vote. He doesn't get a vote. When he tells you you're not a good wife or not a good girlfriend,

he doesn't get a vote. When he tells you that you're a leach, and a bum he doesn't get a vote when he brings up past trauma past assault then you whisper to yourself he doesn't get a vote because no man no man

holds past trauma over the woman they love over any woman my god women I hate I wouldn't bring up that you get what I'm saying yeah I need you to hear me say this is unhealthy and this is not normal your gut reaction your gut feelings about all this are right and probably your whole life people

have told you what you feel and body autonomy all that stuff is not yours and i want to hand it right back to you it is yours okay then your next steps will feel scary they'll feel lonely they'll feel isolating is there anybody in your sphere maybe somebody at work a professional mentor who's a woman, a couple of colleagues at work that you could take out for coffee and just say, here's what I'm experiencing and I need somebody to walk with me through this next season? I probably could, but. No, no buts, no butts.

I think I do have people. Work is already aware of my situation, but there's nothing that they can, but yeah, I, you know, I probably could do that. There's nothing that they, quote, unquote, couldn't do, right? but they can't sit with you and listen. They can give you advice when the other voice in your ear is telling you that all of this is your fault and you're a terrible person and you're not beautiful. And oh yeah, one time that guy did this because all that insanity. God, dude, I'm getting mad on your behalf, Lola.

But here's the thing. And this is heartbreaking for me. I can't get more upset and motivated and mad about this than you. This has to come from a place. of, I am worth more than this. My kids deserve safety and security and a man that will honor them and me.

Yeah. And so there's an old phrase that I got from just an amazing man, David Kessler, and here's the phrase, grief demands a witness. You have to sit down with other people and just explain what's going on. Okay?

and they have to be people who you can trust and hopefully you have a work or colleague or two and tell them I know y'all can't do anything about this I just need somebody to sit with me as I begin to make some pretty significant changes in my life because I'm going out on a limb for the first time and it's scary and I can almost guarantee you

you'll have people come out of the woodwork to support you you'll have people say I'll show up and help you move you can stay at my back apartment in the back of my garage Like, people will show up. Yeah, I guess it's just more so, like, embarrassing that I have to go through it and that I've dealt with it so long. So it's just hard for me to open up on those type of things because I don't want anyone to look at me any less because...

Listen to me, Lola. They're going to look at you just like I'm... They're going to hear you like I'm hearing you with open arms and open hands. and if they don't good god almighty if they don't then we're going on to the next that embarrassment is um probably less embarrassment and probably more shame and if you lived a life of sexual abuse if you lived a life of physical abuse if you lived a life of parents walking out on you if you live a life where a guy's just a total bump on a log shame is the that constant going back to the mirror and saying, I'm getting what I deserve.

This is happening because of me. That's not embarrassment. That's shame. And shame is a powerful, powerful demon. Yeah. Okay? Mm-hmm. And if you've ever listened to this show, the times I've said it is time to get out is very, very rare.

Yeah, I listen to it a lot. Okay. I'm telling you. It's time. So here's the deal. you hang on the line, I'm hook you up with better help so you can get some licensed professional counseling care because this is going to be a journey for you. And probably it's going to be equal parts reality, like math problems, right? Like financial. And also it's going to be very challenging

emotionally. Because that guy knows where all your red buttons are, doesn't he? He knows how to bury you really quickly, doesn't he? Yeah. Okay. So you're going to need some professional care and I'll hook you up at least the first several months of that, okay? Okay. When you call this counselor, I want you to promise me two things, okay? Okay. Number one, I want you to tell the whole truth unfiltered. Okay.

And you're used to shame, embarrassment, whatever. You're used to kind of hedging the truth. I want you to tell the full truth, okay? There will be some freedom in that. Okay. The second thing is, I want you to say, I need an action plan. I need you to walk with me as we co-create an action plan together for me to get to freedom.

Okay. I just need to tell you, I'm so sorry, man. It's okay. No, no, no, no, it's not. It's not okay. You don't have to make me feel better. I'm okay. I know your whole life is about,

making the other people in the room feel okay. You don't got to do that with me. It's not okay. All right, dear. Yeah. You call me any time. You got it? Okay. Thank you.

All right. It's been an honor to talk to you, okay? Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with some of these resources. Also, you know what? I'm also going to send you financial peace university as well. I want you to walk through this. You're going to have to learn alone. how to do some of these financial things and get caught up and this will free you as well. Oh my goodness. Hey, we'll be right back.

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Have you ever heard the term like hot girl summer in terms like that? Have we met? Have you ever had a hot girl summer? Yeah, dude, me and Keeler, Joe, we're having a hot girl summer right now. What is a hot girl summer, Kelly? It's probably not the one to ask because I'm also not in this age range, but it's just the whole idea of, like, you know, summertime and we're going to do all these things and have a hot girl summer or whatever the term de jour is. What does that mean? Like, we're going to wear, like, bikinis and go to the beach.

We're going to, like, go line dancing down on Broadway. Like, what does that mean? Is it just like YOLO? Is it just like a saying? Yes, basically. Well, the new one for 2025 is Therapy Bro Summer. And this is one I can get on board with.

Therapy Bro Summer. Therapy Bro. As a bro? Am I a bro? I don't think I am. Am I? You can be. Damn, Gina, that hurts.

Okay, so as a bro, already I'm out on Therapy Bro Summer. What does that mean? So, according to a study that was released this past May, 55% of Gen Z women refused to date a man if he's not at least willing to go to therapy. And 45% people found that people that go to therapy are more attractive. And that number goes to 55% for millennial women. So the whole idea of this is trying to get men to go see a therapist.

Talk to somebody. So this is when I can get behind. I can get behind that. Yes, because basically it makes people more attractive when they're willing to, when they have a little self-knowledge. Deal with their crap. Yeah. So this quote says, self-actualization, emotional literacy, authentic confidence, humility, and the ability to make healthy choices will naturally make someone an attractive mate and a better partner in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. And so therapy, I guess, so I guess my caveat to that would be,

therapy can be an avenue to those things but I wonder if the underneath all of that is you're a person who will go seek new skills when you realize the things that you're doing aren't working is that fair yes because it said that

unfortunately a lot of men still consider going to therapy week and especially those over 35 when real men face their demons they don't run away from them so guys I remember asking he's in his 60s. I'm painting this picture, an insanely wealthy guy who's a big gun collector and like all this stuff.

Well, he was talking to me about going to marriage counseling back in like in the 80s. I was like, dude, dudes didn't go to marriage counseling in the 80s. And his response was so important. It changed my perception And what he said was I didn't have the skills I needed to go get these skills And it sounded as though

He was like dude my air conditioner went out And I don't know how to fix it So I called somebody who has that toolkit And that set of skills to fix it But it was just very matter of fact And I often think that men look at therapy as Like you said

Like weak as coward But if you look at it as I don't have a set of skills like we talked to one of the calls today like I am burning through my family's money because I have a gambling addiction and I don't have the skill set to get out of this I need to go get some more skills I need to talk to somebody I'm struggling with pornography with cheating on my spouse I find myself flying off the handle and rage at my four year old right I don't have a skill set so maybe that's a way to destigmatize it but I think the call out here is is important if you're 30 or 35 and you can't find anyone

to date there may it may be you you may be undaatable um that marriage book i'm working on right now like one of the chapters like the headings will change but right now it's millions of unmarriable men who are trapped in this loop of nobody wants to be around me yet i'm angry all the time i have to be right all the time i have to fix everybody all the time i am like fill in the blank all these different actions and thought process and behaviors. But I guess for whatever it's worth, I see a therapist. So I don't know. The bravest guys I know go say, hey, I don't know how to do a thing and go get it.

What do you say, Joe? Oh, I thought you were about to say something. Joe is about to be like, therapy bros for life. Yeah. So, Kelly, you're in support of A, Hot Girl Summer, which you're a huge fan of, and B, therapy. What is it, Therapy Bros? Therapy Bros. Summer. I've definitely in support of that.

I'm in support of that for anyone that needs. Support and care. You know, they've got things they need to deal with. Nate Dog, what do you think about therapy, bro, summer? I'm all for it. That's probably why you work on this show. Yeah. Guys, go get the help and care you need,

whether it's from a therapist, a medical, professional, an electrician. Go learn the skills you need to learn. The rest of the world is counting on you. We love you. Bye. Thank you.