The Dr. John Delony Show - My Son’s Wife Wants a Secret DNA Test

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who overheard her daughter-in-law’s secret A man struggling to support his fiancée after her religious conversion A wife wondering how to set boundaries with her in-laws Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My daughter-in-law was talking to her stepmom. Her response to the stepmom was, oh, I'm definitely getting a DNA test done. Uh-oh. And to add icing to the cake, which that's a big enough sucker, they were saying they weren't going to leave the park yet. They were going to go and smoke marijuana. I know what I'm saying is so hard to hear, and I'm sorry that I'm the guy saying it like this, but... what's going on this is john with the dr john deloney show taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental and emotional health your marriage your relationships whatever you got going on

i'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move hope you are doing well and man it's just an honor that you're here it's an honor that you're here let's go out to jacksonville florida and talk to stephanie what's up stephanie yes good morning how are you remarkable how are you I'm doing pretty good. Awesome. You staying out of trouble? I'm sorry. You staying out of trouble?

Always. Oh, that's boring. That's good for you. What's up? Yes, so I was calling because my son recently got married, I said recently, but in January. I don't know how long he was in the relationship with this young lady, but I met her when I came by for Christmas

didn't know they were living together for anything and then a couple maybe a week or so later he lets me know that she's pregnant and so you know I decide okay well you know this would be my first grandchild and all of that I want to get to know her better you know because I want to spend time with a grandchild so I invite them out for lunch

okay hold can I stop you right there can I just call something real quick okay this is not how you would have drawn this up right no okay not at all can i applaud you like i just want if you were here i would just stop the conversation and if you were cool that i just want to give you a big hug because all over the country i'm hearing parents and especially older parents with kids who are adults blowing up everything because this isn't how i would do it this this isn't my values, this isn't my, this isn't my, this isn't my. And completely missing out on the magic of grandkids, the magic of adult relationships.

And I could tell in the way you told that story, this is not how you would draw, this is not how you wanted to find out, A, oh, my son's got a long-term girlfriend, oh, oh, he's married, oh, we're having a kid, that's not how you would have drawn that up. And you immediately went to, how can I be the best grandmother I can be? Good for freaking you. Can I just applaud you? It's awesome. I appreciate it.

I'm proud. Man, it just makes my heart feel good that there's, there's moms and grandmals out there like you. All right. Now, let it rip. Yeah, well, so yeah, I invited them to lunch. And the response back was, oh, well, we're getting married on this date. It was in January. So, like, oh, okay.

So went to the wedding, all of that kind of thing. It was a small wedding out in the park. and we had snow in Florida so we're out there in the snow and everything and so that was that you know everything was fine and then they had the gender

reveal party in April and that's where everything kind of fell apart so went to the gender reveal party and everything and everything was kind of ending and everything and so my son was loading up their car

and putting you know packing up the car and everything And so while my son was away, she was talking to, my daughter-in-law was talking to her stepmom. And I didn't catch what the stepmom asked her, but her response to the stepmom was, oh, I'm definitely getting a DNA test done. Yep, I'm getting a DNA test done. I'm getting a DNA test done. And so I was just stunned. I was, you know, just kind of in shock. I didn't know what to do.

You know, I didn't know how to respond. I just sat there frozen. And so my son came back and he sat down next to her. and she seemed kind of shocked that he was there. And so she turned around. And when she turned around, I'm staring her in her face, you know. And so I'm just like, you know, I didn't know what to do. But the stepmom kind of jumped in and she was, you know, kind of changed something a little bit.

And she was like, oh, you know, and she was asking him, are you excited to have a daughter, you know? And so he was just kind of like, yeah. And I'm just sitting there. And, you know, my son notices me that, you know, how I'm acting. I'm trying not to act any type of way, but I'm just. and shocked. So he comes over and he's asking me how I'm doing and all that kind of thing. And I didn't know what to say. So I just said, I'm okay, which I hadn't been feeling good that day. So I'm just like, you know, I'm just not feeling good. And I think I'm going to leave. And so that's what I did,

you know, start packing up the things that I brought to leave and everything. And to add icing to the cake, which that's a big enough shocker, but they were smoking not just cigarettes. She wasn't smoking a cigarette, but her stepmom and stepdad were smoking cigarettes, you know, all around her in front of her. She was a smoke, she was smoking a vape, and they were saying they weren't going to leave the park yet. They were going to go and smoke marijuana, all of them. And so just like, this just can't, you know, it just can't get any worse, you know. And so I, you know, took my older son with me and, you know, we got into car and we just left, you know, and So pregnant mom was going to smoke weed?

Yes. Pregnant mom, my son, the stepdad, the stepmom, her siblings, you know, and other people that were there, her friends and stuff, they were all going to go smoke weed. And I'm just like, she's pregnant. You know, I feel like none of that should be happening around her, and definitely she shouldn't be doing it. You know, on top of everything, it's just, you know. And so I've asked the advice of, you know, a couple people and everybody is torn on, you know, one side or the other. You should have said something right then to your son, you know, or you should still say something to your son. I'll be like, no, you leave it alone.

You don't know what's going on. You know, you don't know what you know. So you haven't sat down and talk to him? No, I haven't. And I can't get him, which I was, because initially I was, I want to get him by himself. But since they've been together, I cannot get him by himself. I've even asked, because my mom, she's in a nursing home, and I asked him, you know, under the guys, you know, I wasn't feeling that great. Can you go with me just to take something happens?

And, you know, he didn't respond to that. You know, even when I come over and I'm in the car, and he comes out to the car, you know, she'll come following behind him and she'll interrupt the conversation, you know, and start having a side conversation with him. So I can never spend time with him alone, but, you know, which I mean, I guess that's a conversation I could say in front of both of them. But I just kind of want to know if he knows that there's a possibility he's not the biological dad. And if he knows that already, like, okay, are you stepping up to the plate? And he's like, you know what? I'm in love with her. So I'm going to raise this child as my own, you know, or does he not know at all?

And, you know, that's what I want to know. yeah so i mean because go ahead well yeah man there's so much here i guess i want to i want to back all the way out and the fact that he had a

living girlfriend like a serious girlfriend that you didn't know about the fact that he had a kid coming you didn't know about the fact that he had a wedding on the calendar that you didn't know about tells me that y'all did not have a close relationship for a while now, right? So when he's in a relationship, he backs off. I know, but what I'm saying, I know, but you might think you have a relationship, but if

behavior is a language, he is telling you, Mom, I don't want you involved in my life. Yeah. And it's hard, I know it's hard to hear, but I just want to see, like, I want just to put it on the table, like, here's the way he's acted over the course of the last year, plus. Right. And so he's communicating in his own messed up son way. How old is he, by the way? 28.

Okay. So he's old enough. He's not like he's 22, right? He's old enough. For whatever reason, he's backing all the way out. And then you hear this, and then you see this, right? You see very unsafe behavior for a, for a, like a pregnant woman, for a baby, in utero right and i guess my question for you is let me put this way my wife this morning

um we have somebody staying with us and um my wife said hey we're going to the pancake pantry which is this rad kind of hole in the wall but it's like an institution here in nashville it's amazing breakfast place and i said hey are you all going by yourselves or can i tag along and she looked at me and she smiled and she goes this one's not for you this is just for us And I was like, oh, man. But I totally respect my wife. I totally respect her friend who's in town. And that's not a weird thing for her to say, yeah, we're just going to, we want to go have a private breakfast.

And so the fact that you can't say that to him, hey, I want to have some time just with my son, period. Right. And kind of put him on the block and say, like, are you going to go have a breakfast with your mother or no? that tells you whether you have permission which I don't think you do permission to say what you need to say okay here's what I'll tell you you're the mom

I would take full ownership of I'm the mom which means I'm going to say the things that need to be said because I'm your mother and I love you whether you want to hear him or not and then he gets to be a grown up 28 year old man and say I don't want to talk to you mom or I'm going to hear this that's part one

part two is i think you have to tell your son what's up period and i'm going to go one step further and say if my child if i know of if a stranger but much less my potential future grandson if i know this baby is in harm's way i am going to i'm going to sound the alarm i'm going to ask the I'm going to call somebody with that social service. I'm going to ask for blood test if there's illegal drugs being ingested on this mother, on this pregnancy. And it's, I'm willing to blow up this relationship

for the sake of a human who's going to have to live with the ramifications forever for a mom who did not stop using drugs while my kid was in utero. Yeah. Especially if that's my potential grandson. I know this will cost you relationships. and I would tell you on behalf of that unborn kid, that's worth that.

Okay. And if I'm being honest, the relationship you think exists already doesn't. So it almost makes this easier. And I know what I'm saying is so hard to hear. And I'm sorry that I'm the guy saying it like this. But I think you have a mother, a mother's son responsibility to say, hey, son, I heard this. I need you to know this is going on behind your back. And he may tell you, Mom, I know.

I already know. Or he may say, wait, wait, what? And he may blow up at you. You didn't want this. You've never wanted me to be happy. Who knows what he's going to say? But as a parent, I want to know. I looked my kid in the eye and said,

I love you enough to shove you out of the way of a moving truck. And if that truck was turning and I shove you down and you get some scrapes and bruises, I'll tell you, I'm sorry. But at least I did what I thought was the right thing to keep you safe in that moment. and if man if i if i see a kid in the road i'm gonna i'm gonna pick that kid up and try to get that kid out of harm's way and that's what you're seeing and so maybe she gets a blood test back she passes with flying color she was just trying to act tough in front of her family she's actually taking care of that baby and you're watching her vape so that's probably not true but i'm trying to just

give the benefit of the doubt at least she will know hey there's somebody with eyes over this little baby. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Right. And I know what I'm saying is hard. But I think it's right for your kid. I think it's right for you.

I mean, put it this way. You're not going to be able to sleep at night until you let your truth be known, right? Right. Yeah. It's been bothering me. It's killing you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I do kind of feel like, you know, that she's using him because it seemed like time to gap together she quit working she quit going to school and he was a sole caregiver and um at one point her mom moved in with her other seven siblings you know and he was the only one in the house working so it just does feel like he's being taken advantage of you know and i hate that for him you know but also but also he's 28 years old and he's making grown up grown man decisions yeah and so as a mom you can say hey i need to call this out and put this on the table i'm saying this because i love you and i can be wrong i see my son getting taken advantage of and then he is a 28 year old working grown man about to be a father of a kid who may or may not be his gets to look at his mom and say

mom this is the life i'm choosing back off yeah or he gets to say say what and you can that may be a great time for you to say hey when i was younger i did this to a guy or i watched this happen in my family with my brother or my uncle or my dad and you're going to connect with an because here's the thing he's not 12 and so you're going to have to connect relationally and persuasively because you you can't tell him what to do anymore it's a 28 year old man like he's all grown up now and so you sitting down and saying here's what I'm seeing I know you're a grown man and you get to make grown-on-man decisions but I'm watching an entire family unit begin to weigh on your shoulders And he may say, hey, this is what I signed up for.

But I think every parent has a responsibility when they see their kid in harm's way to risk an uncomfortable conversation and uncomfortable season, maybe blow up the whole relationship to keep somebody safe, to keep somebody alive. whether that's your son, whether that's your unborn grandkid, or whether it's just a neighborhood kid that is biologically not connected to you, your son, or anybody, but still that kid's going to have to grow up in a world with the neurological wiring of a mom who smoked weed regularly while she was pregnant with him. And I'm just going to get involved as a community member. And I guess what I want to say is our whole culture is wound up in, you do you and I'll do me, and we're dying from that sentiment.

it used to be my neighbor miss kathy who lived next door to me came over to my house because she acted as another mother miss nita who lived on my street acted as another mother grandma kathy who lived diagonal to us um zandra who lived down the street i was raised by my parents but a whole bunch of other moms and dads got involved too because they got to see things that my parents didn't see and i'm standing on their shoulders right now and that type of It takes a village is gone now. And so I want to encourage you, like, interject when it's time to keep your kids safe. Interject when it's time to keep this baby safe. And let's begin building communities back. And if you lose that relationship and they want to act like children, then so be it. But at least you will be able to go to sleep, saying, I loved my son enough to say the hard thing.

Thank you so, so much for that call. We come back. There's a man trying to support his fiancé through the growing tensions with her family. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional, relational, financial boundaries, but there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about, your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, sitting on countless gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give any of them permission to have your personal information, but it's out there.

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is about boundaries. And boundaries provide people. Go to join deleteme.com slash deloni and use code deloney to get 20% off. That's join deleteme.com slash deloney to save 20% off your entire order. All right. Hey, listen, this past month, we crossed 100 million views in the month here on YouTube. And we got about one and a half million subscribers, which tells me that what is that? Tens of millions of you. I'm not going to do that math in my head,

even though it's pretty simple math. Tens of millions of you haven't just taken one second to hit the subscribe button. If you will hit subscribe to the show, it makes such a difference. And if you're listening to this on Spotify, I love our friends at Spotify or on Apple Pockets, wherever you're listening to this,

hit the subscribe button, hit the like button. And if you want to be a real gangster, leave a review, and it makes such a difference. Thank you. Let's go out to Arlington, Virginia, and talk to Archie. What up, Archie? Hey, Dr. John.

I just want to start and say thank you so much for everything that you do. I'm a long time listener, and I've been listening to all the conversations you've been having for a while. So thank you for all that you do. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. The kind words, man. It's a glass of cold water in the desert, man. I appreciate you.

It really is. So I'll just cannibal in here. So the core question is, how do I best support my fiancé? amidst family tension and criticism. So we've been dating for just shy of a year. I proposed on Easter after she made the courageous decision to leave the Mormon church and become baptized, confirmed in the Catholic church. The rest of her family of seven is Mormon,

minus her eldest brother who's 15 years older than she is. While her family is relatively nice and cordial with me, they are very disrespectful to her at times. I know she is the baby of the family. She's nine years younger than our next closest sibling. I know I recently learned about a group chat, which apparently existed or has existed for years, and includes all of her siblings and their spouses without my fiancé, where things that she told her eldest sister in confidence are being shared to put my fiancé down.

I know separately, I've listened to her mom put her down instead of supporting her. And I'll add to that mix that I recently moved across the country to go to graduate school. So all of our wedding planning is being done from across the country. So tie back to the original question, would supporting her mean talking to her family and calling her siblings out for their petty behavior? Or should I continue to focus on validating her feelings and supporting her in the best way I can? Yeah, dude, stay out of this. Like, I mean, you're already the guy that is costing her eternal damnation. That's the view of her family, okay?

Right, wrong, or indifferent, it doesn't matter what you believe. That's the cost that they're dealing with, okay? And so that's, I want to give them the grace of they think this is a huge deal. and I don't know any family on the planet that doesn't step aside and be like oh my gosh can you hear what Kelly has done oh my goodness have you seen bins whatever like that's that's families families have drama but you interjecting here does two things it it makes you more of the super villain they already think you are and it communicates to your fiance a message she's got her whole life which is she's not enough she can't handle it

and she just needs to move aside and let other people handle her problems and so you walking alongside her and saying i hear that that stinks that breaks my heart for you you're welcome to move out here and get an apartment out here until we get married anytime you want like it's that level of support and i think it's good for you to be reflective of this is the ecosystem you are marrying into for the rest of your life. And like the old saying, you don't just marry your partner, you marry their family, is true. And so there's going to be tension there. There's going to be tension probably forever.

Hopefully everybody can be kind and cordial. And then we're going to move on with our lives. But yeah, I, you getting involved. is a bad move, I think. Okay. Is she asking you to do this? Are you just sick of people, anybody, talking bad about your girlfriend?

I'm just sick of anyone talking bad about her. I love her to death. She is a incredible woman. She's just so organized, so lovely, and the fact that her family doesn't see that and sees her as just the baby that keeps making mistake after mistake just really infuriates me.

Okay. Have you told her that exactly as you just told me? Yes. Okay. That's the best you can do. And then you can be a sounding board and a support network. There may come a day in the future when she says, hey, I want to go visit for the holidays. And y'all have that conversation.

I don't want to be around a bunch of people that just bag on my wife. Or, and she says, hey, this really means a lot to me. I'm going to ask you just to come and be cordial. We'll turn and burn. We'll go spend three days there and then we'll leave. Will you just come and I know I've got to just take it on the chin, but I want to be around my family? And imagine when you'll start having kids, right? In a Catholic former Mormon, you're all going to have a thousand kids, right?

That was a good joke. That was a good Catholic Mormon joke right there. But like, I just want you to be realistic. If you go and swing in right now, you're not even technically a part of this family. It's just going to already, it's going to just set fire to your villain status already. And I guess, I guess when it comes to theological differences, especially of this magnitude, I always just have grace for people, man. Like, they wouldn't be true believers of their faith if they,

They weren't upset that their kid, their baby girl, left that faith to join another one. I get that, totally. And so I can't change that, but they will see over time, I love this woman. I treat this woman with high dignity and respect. I honor her. I partner with her to create an amazing new, like, that's the best I can do. But you go in and swing in, it's just going to confirm the stories they've made up about you already, and I'm not going to give that to people. I'm going to heat burning coals through kindness

and treating people with dignity and if it comes down to it if her dad says hey I want to take you out for lunch I would go to that for sure and hear him out and then also say your daughter's a wonderful wonderful woman and I hear a lot of criticism and critique

and it makes me uncomfortable I don't like it I don't like people talking about my fiancee that way has she asked you to intervene no so we just have two very different coping strategies. I know she tends to, and it talks to me and kind of sleeps a lot. And I'm just, I know I, I'm kind of confrontational at points by nature.

Sure. And so that's sometimes from my mind ends up going to. I know she hasn't intervened. She's an asked me intervene. And I know I've been airing on, and a lot of the advice that you're giving, and being kind, being cordial, I know being helpful wherever I can. I know her youngest sibling actually recently got married herself. And I know I was like running around trying to help out wherever I could

with the wedding and what was going on. Okay, so be careful to not go ahead and try to solve other people's problems for them. And so here's what I always want to do. Anytime there's this thing that's happening out there, I always want to point somebody back to your thoughts and your actions and even your feelings and what about those things can you control

and if you have a confrontational nature on behalf of other people the energy spent trying to solve everybody else's wedding issues and problems and treatments and secret WhatsApp conversations I would rather you take that energy and begin to dig into with yourself as you're entering into a new marriage y'all are creating a new relationship that's never existed before and begin to ask yourself what is it about other people's drama that i want to get in there and solve do i have a bent towards justice do i have a bent for um nobody stuck up for me when i was a kid and so i feel obligated to go out and do that stuff and here's where you're going to land if you're reflective and honest that you might end up liking um you helping other people with their problems helps validate you and makes you feel a little bit taller inside your own chest and i want to challenge you that um doing that inner work like an inner work such a

dramatic instagramy phrase but you being reflective will challenge you to say okay what do what work do i need to do on myself so that when somebody else says something stupid i can just let it roll off i'm move on with my life i'm not going to get involved and help other people unless they ask for my hell unless i see somebody about to get hurt and i'm going to jump in with both feet you see what i'm saying like like there is a everybody knows they're welcome at the deloni house i've got i've got people all over my house right now it's it's it's amazing and um in all different phases of struggle it's kind of it's kind of wild right now um and it's and it's exactly what my wife how my wife and i set our life up and i'm i'll offer it but i'm not going to go run around trying to solve

other people's problems because I found that I was using other people to try to make me feel good as a way to avoid pretty powerless that my wife's parents or in your case my wife's parents are awesome but in your case your wife's parents are pretty terrible to her and I can't solve that and letting her know I will always be here I love this I love this exercise for y'all too because here's the deal this is going to come up with her boss one day or this is going to come up with a neighbor or she's going to try to volunteer for something at your local parish

and she's going to get turned down and you're going to want to go in there swinging, right? You're going to want to go in there trying to fight everybody and so having this conversation now, this is a great exercise for y'all going out for breakfast and saying, all right, hey, whenever big problems come, I want to go in there and punch everybody.

And your tendency, what I'm seeing is, you want to just exhale and sleep and your body kind of shut you down. How are we going to work together in the future? What's a way I can love you? When I see you sleeping a lot and going into avoiding behavior, how can I love you? And could I put some things on the table, ways you could love me when you see me about to go swinging and fighting everybody?

And my wife and I have a very similar dynamic to you and your fiancé, and those conversations have been magic. And it's given me some peace, has given my wife some peace and now I know I have a roadmap for oh she needs me to get involved here she wants me to get involved here versus I'm trying to get involved because I feel really small so that's my best best wisdom for you brother it just isn't your problem I mean it's I'm sorry it is your problem because you're connected to her but this isn't something you can go in there and solve and so continuing to support her and more importantly continuing to ask her how can

I love you right now how can I love you today how can I love you when you find out these hard truths about your family talking crap about you. How can I love you when your boss passes you over for a promotion? How can I love you if we get pregnant, you know, like three years from we get pregnant and we have a miscarry? Like, let's talk about those things now so that we begin to build roadmaps for how we can best love each other. Otherwise, you're going to end up trying to love each other as you wish someone would love for you. And that creates a ton of conflict in a marriage thank you so much for the call my brother i'm really grateful for you and by the way good for you for wanting to stick your neck out and start swinging like punch first and ask questions

later on behalf of the woman you love i love that sentiment it's about controlling that and doing the next right thing even when you feel like i want to go burn everything to the ground asking yourself before you like that first match how can i best love her thanks for call brother we come back a wife is pushing for boundaries. That's her in-laws obsess over their finances. We'll be right back. All right. Everybody talks about how important supplements are. But most of what you see on the supplement shelves in your local grocery store is garbage. Fancy labels and cool names with zero substance. I'm not playing that game and neither are my friends at Thorne. I've been taking Thorne supplements for more than a decade. They're pure. They're

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account. That's t-h-o-r-n-e.com slash the letter you slash deloni. All right, Greenville, South Carolina. Let's talk to not April, but May. What's up, May? Hello. How are we doing? I'm good. How are you, Dr. John? Outstanding.

What's up? So my husband and I are relatively newlyweds. We've been married for a year now. Oh, gross. Do you all still like each other? We do. I love him. He was my best friend.

Gross. Okay, that's awesome. Good for you. And we have our first baby on the way. Congrats. Awesome. Thank you. Very cool.

But my problem, or I guess our problem, is that my husband's parents, every time they visit us or they call, all they want to talk about is our finances or anything related to finances, whether it's, you know, if we're buying a new car or making any kind of investment, they always want to know the specifics of everything. And I'm not comfortable with it. Is your husband just passing along his financial, does he still call on his mommy and his daddy for permission to spend money? No. So I think when it comes down to is that my husband and I were raised very differently.

You know, I was taught growing up there's some things that as adults, you don't ask about, you know, you don't talk about people's weight. You don't talk about people's finances and casual conversation. he was raised in a family that is very open his parents talk about their own finances they tell us about his siblings finances and you know they're they're very comfortable with it and to him

kind of not telling his parents when they ask he says it makes them feel like he's lying to his parents instead of setting a boundary so is this is an interesting dynamic okay so go with me on this if his parents are asking y'all what feel like personal questions as a way to um manipulate this relationship that boundary is really important and by the way i love the way nedritweb says she says it so beautifully boundaries are a way for us to continue being connected they're not a way to separate people they're a way to allow a relationship relationship to continue and I think that is so powerful right so if they're asking you because they're trying to manipulate they're using that to you know and they're going to take your financial

information and go back to the other siblings and be like well you know your brother's doing this and then yeah that feels gross right it's it's their way of of wiggling into somebody else's marriage but yeah the other side of it is and I'll use my family as an example like I just grew up in a house where everybody just says everything you know what i mean like too much too in fact we don't ever ever talk about money in my family ever because money was a really deep sense of shame and tension but right i learned just a few years ago um i may have told that on the show i've all like especially with my professional life my professional life has always been about mental health, about I was doing sexual assault investigations early on.

I was doing, my professional life has been geared towards, or had a huge chunk of it being around sex and the conversations around sex. And because of that, I developed such a comfort talking about it that I had to go back and learn that that is not good dinner time conversation for some couples. Yeah. Right? And I think that's kind of where my husband's at with finances. He's comfortable talking about it, and I just am not.

Okay. So I think the challenge here is twofold. One, you digging into why do I have such a deep discomfort around talking about money? Well, part of it is when they talk about our finances, it's not in a positive way. Okay. So it's that it reveals, it's used again. you right yeah okay so i think that's an important call out um and being able to communicate that with your husband hey i don't it's less about i don't like talking about money the deeper issue is

i don't like your parents telling us that we're less than telling us that we're dumb telling us that we don't know how to because y'all are going to have to make some mistakes together and figure him out together right and his parents running into the weight room that is your new marriage and taking all the weight off the bar for you is going to make it really difficult down the road when you'll have a major issue, which all marriages do, and you don't have the strength to work through it because you didn't have to solve these little bitty problems along the way, right? Absolutely. And so having that conversation, because if it just keeps being about money, he's never going to get it. If it's the deeper conversation, your parents make me feel less

than. I don't like that. And they have manipulated you into thinking, if you don't participate and then making us feel stupid and dumb that somehow you're being dishonest with them and that's gasoline that's manipulation that's not true and the bigger issue here is if we're honest is a year in

you have a kid coming you see the train coming down the tracks right at your marriage which is oh they're going to then get involved in all of our parenting decisions and our living arrangements and our jobs and I did not marry them. I married their son.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Okay, you have to put that on the table with your husband. I feel like I'm married to your mother and to your dad as well. And I didn't marry them. I married you. Okay. And here's the language I used in my house, okay, with me and my wife. And by the way, I was the one with the problem, not her.

I literally have the best in-laws ever. I would put them up against anybody. And my parents are very supportive. They're great people. And it was a big day for me when I said out loud, my parents do not get a vote in my marriage, period. They can support me. They can love me.

My dad and my mom are two brilliant people. Their job is to give me endless amounts of advice. But as for me in my household, my wife and I get to decide how we spend our money, what jobs we take where we live and how we raise our kids right and you know i think my husband's on the same page as me with that but i think it's it's more so him struggling with how should he set the boundary with his parents you know is it better to well we've tried you know in the past when they bring up finances changing conversation to a different topic that's not it that's not

setting a boundary that's cool yeah that's not setting a boundary that's that's avoidance that's running around. Right. So give me an example of how they ask about your finances. It's very, so for an example, my husband just got transferred for his job. Okay. And with that transfer, we were given a stipend for moving costs. Okay. While we were packing, his parents came to visit, and the very first thing they asked, not about baby, not about how we're doing, it was, hey, so how much was that stipend and what exactly do you plan on using it for um and you know we tried to change the conversation sort of to you know how packing is going or something along those lines and it just got back to well you know moving's expensive how do you plan to pay for all of this what exactly are you doing with it and how much did you

get okay that's a very intrusive question right and so underneath that what question were they actually asking you and your husband to me they wanted to who knows specifically how much money we have sitting in our bank account right now. Why would they want to know that? I personally, and I don't like to speak bad about anybody, but I think it is a control thing. You know, my son, or their son, he's their oldest son, and I think it's been kind of hard for them to let go because they're used to, you know, helping their younger kids with finances and all of that. I don't think they're necessarily have any bad intent behind it, but I think it's just

letting go of control and recognizing, hey, our kid is grown up, and we don't need to have any involvement in this. Right. And I think it may even be a deeper question. This is going to sound silly, but I want to give them some grace. Maybe they're asking themselves, who are we if we're not his decision maker. Yeah, I can agree. And so I get that sense of wrestling with that, right? And it's our job as we create our new family and our new household to begin to set boundaries.

And so what we're going to do is we're going to put some boundaries up so that we can have a close relationship with two people who clearly love their son and hopefully they love you. and that is Hey, how much did you get on that stipend? Dad, they're taking care of the move. I know, but like, what was the dollar amount? Dad, I'm not going to get into personal numbers anymore.

What? You're not going to tell me the numbers? Yeah, Dad, I'm going to keep, I got to keep some of that stuff private. They're taking care of the move. It's a really good deal, and I feel good about it. I shook hands on it, and it's good to go. Conversation over. Okay.

And then your husband. So be more direct about it. But it hasn't have to be a fight. It's just a simple, I'm not going to talk about the direct numbers. I just want to keep some of that between me and my employer. And then he has to hold that tension. Because when that first boundary gets put up, they are going to go to war to try to figure out how to solve it.

And they might go to war by yelling. They might go to war about, oh, I guess you just don't care what we say anymore. We're just going to, fine, let's just go home. Had that happened with people I've met with before, that people got in the car and literally drove away. they might say well i guess then fine um if you don't need our help people they're going to respond however they're going to respond and if you try to own their response you're going to make yourself crazy and you're going to you're going to create a wedge in your marriage because you married a man

that you want to stand up for you and for your kid and for himself and for your new family and if you won't even do it with those two how in the world is you going to do it when things get real dicey with an employer down the road right yeah and so he's got to feel that tension and exhale and say i can't control their response i can just control how well i love them and loving them right now is i don't want to talk about our personal like the intimate details of our finances and so when i moved from texas to Nashville i let my parents know dude's a pretty great deal and they're really helping out with the move I did that's it

that's the kind of conversation I would be more than happy to have but right and so it's it's honoring to let my parents know your son your oldest son did good it's honoring to let my parents know hey they're um their oldest sons getting taken care of

right and I know he's he's scared of being a bad he's a great he's a wonderful husband to me but I know he just he wants to be a good son to his parents. I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true. I think he wants to continue trying to please them, which means always doing whatever they say, whenever they say it, and even if it is divulging personal secrets. Well, that's what I mean. I think they've gotten it to the point where when he doesn't and he starts drawing lines, they tell him that he's being a bad son. Okay. If they say you're being a bad son, they're free to go. Right. That's kind of

where I'm at. Or he can say, I'm not a bad son. I'm a pretty great son. I'm a good husband. I'm a good man. I'm a good employee. And it begins to communicate. You don't get a vote. And by the way, when they leave, he can sob and weep because no kid should hear their parents look at them and say, you're a bad son. It's devastating. It's devastating. But that's manipulative. and so I completely agree the bigger picture here is they're using money

as a way to continue to have a leash on their grown son and he has to be the one that unhook just know that that hook that he has is he has the ability to unhook it

it's just going to be uncomfortable so hopefully that helps me I'm really grateful for your conversation and i love the fact that you're having this conversation um with your husband before you have a kid because if you all think they're intrusive now wait till you bring their quote unquote their first grandkid god almighty it's going to be they're going to buy the neighbor's house next door romano ray romano style and you think it's bad now it's going to be the auntie's going to be way ramped up and so maybe it's going to be saying hey nobody's allowed in the birthing room

your mother's going to be so up yeah my mom wife we decided it's just going to be us two in there period or just her mom not you and y'all can wait out in the waiting room or in fact we don't want anybody at our house for the first week and then we'd love to have you here on the second week and then they can throw a temper tanthip and go away like you all get to decide those boundaries but begin having those hard conversations now in may it's not about the money it's about how you don't feel like your husband's stepping up it's about you don't feel safe it's about you want to feel connected to him and y'all want to build something together thank you so so much for the call we'll be right back all right have you felt it's that not so subtle shift

summer is winding down the days are getting shorter and school is back in action the queue floor work stresses are hitting hard and i'm finding myself wanting to numb out more and more i know you are too we've got to be intentional about protecting our sleep because here's the truth how we sleep is a massive part of how we feel. And when our bodies aren't resting, our minds can't reset. Our physical bodies can't get up the next day ready to do the work ahead of us. It's one of the most important things we can do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally ready, and able to show up for our friends, our families, and our workplaces. This is why I'm constantly talking about Helix mattresses. They build the best mattresses and they're made for you, not the generic average sleeper.

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With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. I want to answer a money and marriage question. This is a question that was left at one of our money and marriage conferences. We've got one coming up in November of 25. And I think that one's almost sold out. And the Valentine's Day weekend, 26. Love to have you come visit us here in Nashville.

It's been a couple of days with us. best marriage conference on the planet and i think it's the most reasonably or it's unreasonably low but it is expensive um priced we can get away marriage conference on the on the planet it's just awesome um but we have an anonymous question box and so we decided that we didn't get to all of the questions so i want to answer some of these on the show here here is a question how does one know when abuse exists the deeper question is do i have a bitchy wife or is their emotional abuse in my house. Am I experiencing emotional abuse?

All right, so you can get online and dig into what's the difference between psychological abuse or emotional abuse, but here's a way I kind of frame it. Is somebody trying to alter the way you see reality, is someone trying to alter the feelings you have, or is somebody trying to scare you, humiliate you, or make you feel less than, meaning they're going after your self-worth right so if somebody if you say um hey i really don't like it when you say this that hurts my feelings and they go no it doesn't that's not even it's not even a big deal that's bordering on emotional abuse right they're going after how you experience and see reality or psychological because i'm not going to mince words here that's a whole different nerd

conversation um or you leave the dishes out on on the counter complaining or whining or bitching is golly dude like clean up after yourself you never clean up like i work hard around here you don't do anything my goodness right that's just complaining to whining emotional abuse is you disgust to me you're so sick my last lover was so much better at this than you my mom or my dad always took care of this crap and you're a freaking failure i don't even know how i'm married to you right so one of these i would say this complaining is about the thing the towels on the floor the way you treat our kids the your weight like complaining is about the thing when it gets into abuse is when it is pervasive

And it never stops and it's about you, your reality, your character, your experiences. And it's done for one reason to control you, to put me over you. And so every relationship has complaining and whining and nagging in it, male and female, it just goes back and forth. Those never accomplish anything ever other than to, like, put a way, wedge between you but they happen god why didn't you mow the yard you said you're going to mow the yard our yard looks like crap that's not abuse that's whining that's complaining or that's dating a fact it's just that's just calling out it's accountability hey you said you're going to do this you didn't do it that's different then you're such a loser i can't believe i'm married i could

have done so much better than you you disgust me you're a loser this is just another reason why you now we're getting into I need to use your head as a stepping stool for my own well-being and so that's how I divide I separate the two

and complaining and nagging is annoying it can get heavy where we need to have this conversation abuse you you purposely humiliating me taking myself worth the way

making character like using my character as a weapon so that you can control me. I'm going to continue to make these jokes at your expense. They don't feel that bad. Just shut up. You're such a baby. I'm going to go sleep with somebody else.

You don't ever want to have sex with me. So I can look at, I can go sleep with a neighbor. I can look at prodig for all I want because you're discussed, like you're a waste. Man, now we're getting into emotional abuse. And whether you want to parse it out, here's the bigger issue.

here's like my litmus test can you say it out loud can you put it on the table and if you think to yourself i could never say that because of the repercussions whether the repercussions are psychological physical or emotional then you need to go talk to somebody ASAP because you're not safe that's your body saying i can't do anything in this situation because i'm not safe the other is yeah it's just going to make the complaining louder the whining louder then put it on the table let's have that conversation And so that's using my litmus test. Can you speak and be heard on this or is it unsafe for you to speak and be heard on this? In both places, you're going to have to act.

But one, you're going to have to get some other people in your corner to act because it's legitimately not psychologically or emotionally or physically safe. So that's how I divide them out. At the end of the day, all of these things require action on your part. And just wishing it would go away isn't going to, whether it's just mild whining or completely. complaining or nagging, both of you, him or her, or if it is more abusive in nature. So that's my take on that. Kelly, did I miss anything? I don't think so.

That sounds great. I think you... I would have thought that you emotionally abused me with some regularity until I kind of dug into this. And I think it's just more complaining, whining. I'm talking about gaslighting now and how you gaslight me. I mean, they burn right around here. That's probably true. Actually, it's just you holding me accountable for, ugh.

All right, so, hey, love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Be kind. Please, God Almighty put some more kindness out in the world and tip your waiters obnoxiously. Love you guys. Bye.