The Dr. John Delony Show - My Special Needs Sister Wants Me To Adopt Her Baby

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My special needs sister wants me to adopt her baby I’m hesitant to share our infertility with my manipulative & controlling mom Email: I've heard you say "people marry their unfinished business" - what do you mean by that? Lyrics of the Day: "Don't Go Away Mad" - Motley Crue   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: special needs, family, relationships, boundaries, adoption, marriage   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to two extraordinary women who are dealing with boundary issues, who are dealing with grief, who are dealing with the way things should have been, and the world has turned upside down on them, and they want to know what to do next. We also take an email, and it's fascinating. Stay tuned.

Yo, yo! This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm glad you're here. Hope you're doing well. I know things are so chaotic, so bananas, but I'm glad you're here with us. I'm glad you're walking alongside us. Glad to see your smiling

face, James. You're not smiling at all. Kelly's not even looking at me. New Zach is smiling. A really forced fake smile, like an Olin Mills photo. It's good to see you, man. But the faux hawk is rocking. Don't come a-knocking. James, good to see you.

You too. He can't really talk back to you that easily but he was making fun of your brawny paper towel shirt so he's giving it back to you back here hey I never know when we gotta get the chainsaws out and get to work around here don't we always chop wood or water or something

and make flapjacks I love flapjacks with all my H-E-A-R-T James listen a couple weeks ago I don't know when these shows come out I love flapjacks. I love flapjacks with all my H-E-A-R-T. James, listen. A couple weeks ago, I don't know when these shows come out, somebody called and they asked about what I thought about a boss or a business making their employees have to get the COVID vaccine. And one of the analogies I used was I used to work somewhere and they called

me in and said, hey, you can't wear a suit, but not tuck your shirt in. You look like a slob. You gotta tuck your shirt in if you're gonna work here. And then I had a decision to make. And so I drew that analogy that businesses now, some of them are saying, vaccinations are on you. We're gonna offer it with like a flu shot. I went and spoke at a big company this weekend in Texas, and they were offering flu shots and COVID shots downstairs for anybody who wants them. But I made the analogy that some businesses are saying

you have to have this to work here. And dude, the internets lost their internet mind saying there's a big difference between putting things in your body and tucking your shirt and this guy's an idiot. Which is exactly what I said on the show. Is that what you said? I didn't say you're an idiot, but I said, I understand the analogy, but it's not exactly the same thing. Okay, how is it not the same? To me, it's the exact same thing, which is, now, number one, people of the internets.

I know it's a different thing, injecting something in your body. I get that. What I was trying to get was the philosophy behind it, meaning, or the principles, probably a smarter way to say that. You should have your own show, James, is if your boss tells you to do a thing, then you do the thing, or you don't work there. Does that make sense? Why is it different? You think it's different. Why? No, you're right that the principle is the same. I was just saying, tucking your shirt in is just like, tuck it in. You can untuck it when you get home.

The vaccine is something that thousands of people have been researching for a year frantically. I mean, you know what I mean? It's different. It's not the same thing, but the, the overarching principle is the same of businesses can, can private businesses can do what they want and you can stay or not stay. Yeah. And I also get a couple of folks, um, wrote in and said, this is my career track, right? Like all I work for the railroad or I'm a, I'm a unionized welder and everyone, not even unionized welder, like I'm a police officer, I'm a whatever.

And they're making all of us do it. So if I quit this job, I quit the profession. And dude, I get that. My heart's with you. It's hard. I get that. And at the end of the day, you got a choice to make. One of the things I had a buddy reach out and he's a, gosh, he's so brilliant.

He's an extraordinary travel nurse, and we just had a back and forth real quick, but I asked him, are you going to end up getting this vaccine? And he said, yeah, I'm going to end up doing it. And my recommendation was do it tomorrow. If you've already made up the decision, made up your mind, I don't want to do this. I'm not thinking about it. I don't like being,

even though I don't have a problem with vaccine, I just don't like my work having this type of control over me. But I'm going to end up doing it. Then my recommendation is do it tomorrow. Get it over with because that gap between that angst, that frustration is going to have health.

It's going to make you nuts. Don't do it. It's going to cost you physically. It's going to cost have health. It's going to make you nuts. Don't do it. It's going to cost you physically. It's going to cost you psychologically. It's cost you emotionally. If you're not going to do it, find a new job ASAP and move on, but be at peace with your decision and then go on. It's that gap of that rage, that anger that I'm fighting. I am yelling. I am cussing at the radio. I'm angry with around my kids. It's this gap. Make your decision. Be at peace with it.

And now I've got to go. Now that I've made this decision, I'm going to go be about what's next. And that's what you can control. What you can't control is here's what my boss said I'm going to do. Here's what my county said I'm going to do. You can't control those things. You can only control you. And the mental health piece, the relational piece, the psychological piece, the spiritual piece is in that gap, which is I can control what I can control. I don't have to be happy with it. I can be frustrated by it.

But I'm not going to give other people that much power over my sleep, over my marriage, over my parenting, over my relationships, over my dating life, over my nutrition. I'm not going to give them that kind of power. And I know it's hard, man. I know people feel stuck and they feel trapped and they feel angry that they're being told that they have to do things. I know people who already got the vaccine months and months and months ago, but then when their company came out and said, you have to do it, they got raged out. Just, they don't want to be told what to do. And I totally get that. Totally get that. And if you already know what you're going to end up doing anyway, then go ahead and get it done or go ahead and don't and be at peace and then go figure out what's next. So that's just my recommendation. But I know that it's different

than tucking your shirt in. Let's make it an analogy, right? I was just trying to draw a long arc here that we have businesses, our jobs tell us to do all kinds of stuff and we have to decide, am I in or am I out? And those are hard, hard things. It's hard when they ask you to fudge numbers. It's hard when they ask you to come in every Saturday for the next five years, we're not going to give you any overtime. It's hard when they give you another department and another department, another department and no raise. It's hard if you work at a faith-based place and they tell you or a mission-centric place and they say, oh, you want more money? Oh, we thought we were just doing this for something bigger than us.

And you feel bad for trying to put your value and your worth financially on the table and say, hey, I need some more financial support for all this extra work I'm doing. Every business has these things. And this one's got to, the vaccine's become this political third rail. But we make these decisions all the time. And it's hard and it's annoying and it's frustrating. What I want to do is just take the air out of it. It's just another decision that somebody put in front of you. I'm going to do it or I'm going to not.

And then I'm going to be about controlling what I can control. And then I'm going to move on. And then I'm going to not. And then I'm going to be about controlling what I can control. And then I'm going to move on. And then I'm going to move on. I'm not going to give other people that much power in my life to take my soul from me, but that's it. And if you disagree with me, that is so, that is your prerogative. And you can hit the little 15 second button and just pass right past all of this, except we're already past it. That was kind of awesome. All right, let's go to Caitlin in Colorado Springs. Hey, Caitlin, what's going on?

Hi. How are you? You know, hanging in there. Hanging in there. Good deal. All right, so how are you hanging in there? How can I help? So my sister is high-functioning autism,

and she has been in and out of an abusive relationship for the past three years. How old is she? She's 27. 27, okay. Mentally, probably around 18-ish. She just found out that she is pregnant by this man, and he chose his live-in girlfriend over her. And so she has asked me to adopt her child,

and I don't know how to even go about processing this. Oh, man. Wow. Welcome to it, right? Yes. Yikes. So there's a lot here. He doesn't have to be married to her legally, but he doesn't get to opt out of this baby's life, right?

Yeah. Well, I guess if you adopted this baby, you would be taking that responsibility from him. Is he signing over custody? It's so, he has a child by another woman and he fought aggressively for that child. And so I'm guessing it would be a joint custody situation between me, my husband and him.

Yeah. Really interesting too. So I'm asking some questions. I've got real strong feelings about this, but, um, tell me about your sister. She's high functioning,

autistic. Does she have, does she full, full, like full-time employment? Um, no, she hasn't held a job for three years.

She'll start for two weeks and get overwhelmed and quit. Okay. Is she seeking any sort of support care? No. No? Okay. Will she or just will she not? She doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. She refuses to seek any sort of care,

even though I know she would be a candidate for any sort of governmental support, or she needs mental health support, she needs it all, but she refuses to admit it. Is this pregnancy a wake-up call to her, or no? No, she's pretending it's not happening, other than asking

me to adopt the child. Hmm. I don't often, on this show, especially say the words, I've never heard this situation before, but I've never heard this situation before. Um, so how did the conversation come up with her coming to you? She called me crying, saying it's, it's the test is positive so um more of the situation is that she was helping watch his daughter even though his live-in girlfriend was there as well i didn't fully understand the situation um and then he asked her to cut the birth control out of her arm um the one the rod that goes in. And so she did.

And her doctor specifically told her, you're going to get pregnant because you're sleeping with him. And then she called me surprised. With his living girlfriend in the place? Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't know about any of this. She doesn't know his living girlfriend lives there? No, the living girlfriend doesn't know about anything with my sister that they're sleeping together

or any of that. I just have one word. Awesome. Yeah. Wow. Okay. And so she calls me surprised that she's pregnant. Of course. Is she surprised cognitively?

Is this a surprise to her or is's surprised that she got you know i mean she got caught is is her cognitive capacity one that she doesn't is unable to put one plus one equals two that if i cut this birth control out of my arm and i have unprotected sex with this guy i'm gonna get pregnant is she unable to make that algorithm work or is she being an immature young person and living in denial? I think it's more of the denial. Okay. If,

how old are you? I'm 31. 31. Okay. Where's mom in this situation? She's done. She's so tired of dealing with my sister. Okay. My dad too.

Yeah. Okay. Can she hear... Can your sister hear a family conversation? Probably not. No. Okay. So I'm going to strongly

recommend you do not adopt this kid. Okay. So I'm going to strongly recommend you do not adopt this kid. Okay. I have an explanation. Do what? Do you have an explanation as to why? It's not your kid. And I say that meaning it's his kid. And there's, I've never heard of a joint custody where he doesn't really want to have, he doesn't really want to have custody. He doesn't want to

be with her, but he's going to work out some joint arrangement with y'all too. I mean, that's just how that works. If you adopt this kid, he signs off that he's out. She signs off that she's out. And this is y'all's kid. And then you have a sister with mental health challenges that are, I mean, here's the thing. A hurricane landed in your home and y'all got to deal with it. Correct. But sort of because it's her home.

And my guess is y'all have been cleaning up this. You say your parents are just tired. I heard it in your voice. It wasn't just words like you, they are exhausted and they've been dealing with this forever. And here it is. Now it's grandkid time. Now it's niece or nephew time for you. And if he came, everybody has to have a grown-up conversation. That's what's got to happen. And if he was to say, I will sign this child over. I don't want this kid. I don't want anything to do with this kid.

And she said, I'm going to sign this over, and I'm going to move in with you guys for the next seven months and deal with this, then that's another thing. And then maybe you and your husband are the most altruistic, extraordinary people on the planet you adopt this kid and she's got some sort of peripheral relationship but y'all hold boundaries and it's just going to be a tough road to hoe

for the next 20 years and that may be a very realistic reality for you but there's no such thing as a joint custody where you adopt a kid but dad's involved there's no three way custody a joint custody where you adopt a kid, but dad's involved. There's no three-way custody kind of thing. It's his baby.

Yeah, okay, yeah. And so what I would do is call him. Do you have a relationship with him? Can you talk to him? I have his number. I've met him a few times. It'd anger her to no end if I contacted him without her knowledge. Well, she's going to have to be a part of the conversation

too, because the courts are going to recognize her as an adult unless you call on her and get a psych evaluation that says she is unfit. And then they can terminate parental rights in utero. And then the second

that baby is born, it goes to a family member. But they're going to have to do a psych workup on it. I mean, it's World War III, but you're in it, right? And she's going to fight you and hate you and all of those things. Or she may be totally at peace. What you and your husband have to come to terms with, and you and your mom and your dad have to come to terms with, is there's a baby here that's caught up in the middle of this.

Yeah. And you've got your exhaustion with your sister, your anger with your sister. We've been telling you her this for 30 years with your sister. And that's on one side of the equation. The other side is there's a baby here. And my guess is the fact that you're calling me, you're not the kind of person just to let that ride.

You know what I mean? Right, exactly. Do you want to adopt this kid? I mean, I have two of my own, and we were done. And now that there's this infant out there that didn't do any of this, like, I can't just let it go into foster care or with this dad that is an abusive man. Like, I have this savior complex, I think, honestly.

Well, there's savior complex and then there's that baby needs a home. And those are two different things. You grew up in the home of a sister with special needs. So everyone who grows up in the home of a kid with special needs is either all the way out or they are looking for people to help. That's just, that's the, you get to see a ringside seat to an empathetic life, right? So you're there. Here's the only way I see this thing playing out. You have to sit down with her and with him and say, she's pregnant. We will take this baby, but everybody signs off.

Okay. And you've got to go with an attorney and through court and get it all documented out that he doesn't loop back on you. And he probably still will loop back on you. She will loop back on you. Just know you're in it. Okay. And it's going to be a mess, which means you and your husband have to be anchored tightly together. You have to know how far you're going to go on this deal. You're going to have to make sure you're talking to a pastor or to a marriage counselor as y'all walk through this because your picture of

what your life is going to be is different now. Yeah. And my gut tells me you've always known something like this was coming. Or you've always had in the back of your head, she'll move in with us at some point or we're going to have to deal with it. You've always had that back there. Is that fair? Yeah. It was something. Drugs or something. We knew something was going to have to deal with it. Like you've always had that back there. Is that fair? Yeah, it was something.

Drugs or something. We knew something was going to happen. Right. Yeah. And that's where we are. And so what this situation desperately needs is one or two or three or four strong adults who are going to cut through the,

she's not going to like me, she's going to be mad at me, I don't care. Now there's a baby involved. My niece or my nephew's involved. And your parents are tired, sorry. I get that, but we're all in it now. And I know this guy's a complete and total scumbag, but it's his kid.

And if he wants to say this is my baby, he gets to do that legally. And that's going to be something y'all are going to have to grieve together. Until you know about abuse and whatnot, then you're going to file on him and then

you'll end up with this child anyway, right? Right. Yep. I think that's what I'm trying to avoid in this situation too, if I can, is to not have to go in and rescue a horrible situation. Right. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this, Caitlin. Yeah.

It's rough. It's new too. Fresh, you know? Yeah. How far along is your sister? Six weeks. Okay. Six weeks?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you know know you've been down the straw there's a lot that can happen between now and you know eight and a half months from now nine months from now yeah yeah i definitely can so here's what i do you live is your sister live around y'all about an hour away okay is she open to coffee meetings is she open to dinner with you once a week or something like that? Or is that impossible? No, she is.

Yeah, she's really involved in my kid's life. She's great as a nanny and a babysitter, just not as a parent. Okay. She's very involved in our lives. So it sounds like she's high-functioning and really smart and is really loving and can turn it down when it is convenient. Is that fair? Yeah. Am I not being kind? No, it's true.

She can. It's just when she decides to and if she doesn't allow the consistent... I don't really know how to describe it. If you see a non-high-functioning autism person rocking in the corner, that's kind of what happens in her mind when she gets overwhelmed by a decision. Okay. She just can't settle. Okay.

And when you walk alongside her, is she able to stay anchored a little bit? A little. Okay. But then she also needs someone to tell her what needs to happen okay that's where i was actually aiming which is you and your husband sit down and say what are our boundaries here how far will we go what will we do and that will be everything from will she move in with us when she's three months pregnant and for the next six months or will we financially support this this pregnancy or um and her nutrition?

Are you going to go with her on her OB-GYN visits? I mean, how far are we going to go here? And make sure y'all write that down. We are on the same page, you and me. And give each other permission to shift. He may come to you a couple of weeks from now and say, I just can't do it. Or come to you a few weeks from now and say, we're going to go to hell and back to get this kid. Whatever that, I mean, y'all may change as you go, right? And then write down how you're going to support and love her,

not fix it and solve this problem. This problem is, I mean, this is what this is, but letting her know, I'm going to love you through this and handing her a sheet of paper that says, here's how I'm going to support you. I'm going to come to your doctor visits. You're welcome at my house at any time. If I'm going to adopt this baby, this is what this will look like. If I see that you're doing drugs, I'm going to call the police. I'm going to call child protective services immediately. And that may freak her out, but I want her to hold a piece of paper and it says to hear, and maybe the title of it is, here's how big sister is going to love you. Yeah. Okay. And you've been through two of these and make sure that, you know what I mean?

It can set up as a very caring next step. And be really direct with her about, I know that we all both know that when things get hard, you shut down. And so I want, here's, here's our, when we start to shut down, here's what we're going to do. And I'm going to be there for you,

or I'm not going to be there for whatever your boundaries are. And then you need to let her know that we're going to have to, if you want me to adopt this baby. And again, she may have just found out and freaked out and told you that. And then a month from now, she's going to want to raise this kid. So the option to bait,

to adopt this child, maybe zero, maybe none. You never know. Right. But it's boundaries, direct conversation. And all of this ends up with a conversation with the four of you, him, her, and you and your husband, if this adoption is going to actually go through. That baby's lucky to have you. Your sister's lucky to have you. And I know that loving and being connected to somebody who has cognitive challenges, who

has atypical learning challenges, who's autistic, who has any number of challenges. I know it's hard and it's exhausting. So thank you for loving her even when it's so, so, so hard. There is no, when it comes to adoption, there is no,

hey, we'll all just figure this out live. Nope. There's got to be lawyers involved. There's got to be clear things involved. There's got to be boundaries and protections for this kid. Otherwise, this kid becomes a pawn in a long game, and the kid pays the price. Thank you for your heart.

Thank you for your connection. We'll be right back on The Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting.

We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic,

direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back.

Let's go to Kate in Phoenix. Hey, Kate, what's going on? Hey, John, I'm doing well. How about yourself? Rocking on, dude, till the break it on. What's up? Thanks for taking my call. It's an honor to speak with you, and I'm a huge fan of your show.

Yes. Did you know, hey, we are up to 22. That's awesome. Thank you for being in our gang. Thank you. So my husband and I have been dealing with unexplained infertility for about two years now, and we're debating and telling my mom or keeping it private from my family. The reason being is my mom hasn't been a safe place for me in the past, and I've always had to set strong boundaries. But recently, almost every time I see her,

she's been making really passive aggressive statements about babies, and I don't know how to handle it or how to tell her to stop without telling her about our journey. So I'd love your advice on whether or not to tell my mom about this vulnerable topic as I'm scared of her opinions and comments that will come with it. Golly. Number one, man, I've walked that journey and I know that's haunting. I'm sorry. And it's scary and debilitating and it's identity.

It's a mess. And I'm sorry that y'all are in that. Man. scary and debilitating and it's identity. It's a mess. And I'm sorry that y'all are in that man. And then you top it off with the one woman that you want to be able to lean on is not safe, right? What does that mean when you say she's not safe? Um, just to give a brief context, like she was raised in a pretty toxic family environment. And then hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're defending her. Yeah. So I'm going to say something rude. I don't care how she grew up.

Why is she unsafe for you? Um, she's really controlling. Um, what does that mean? Um, just growing up because she didn't have a lot of control in her life. She always would, you know, tell me what to wear, what to do, what I needed in my life. And like, if something's wrong she would just be like all right well ABC you're not fixing it because of this and it just gets so personal with my body on this topic um that I'm just scared she's gonna give you know ask really hard

questions about like tests or examinations or give me just an opinion in my marriage and that's just a place I don't want to invite her in even So when you say like, invite, like she's going to ask you about infertility treatment, she's going to ask you about your sex life. She's going to ask you like, what are you, what are you afraid she's going to get into? I'm, I'm scared that I'm going to have to answer some questions that she might ask. And then the other side is I'm scared she's going to tell everyone that she knows. Cause that's kind of what she does. She copes with telling her friends about my personal life and my family. And I just don't, yeah, I don't want everyone involved in this.

So your mom does not deserve the level of power she has in your life. Correct. And she may have never hit you, but you're in an abusive relationship. You've drawn boundaries before. How old are you? 31. How long have you been married? Five years.

Okay. It's time your mom gets out of your marriage. Because she's parenting your husband now too. And she's parenting your unborn kids now too. And it's time for her to be done. A couple of things you can do here. Number one, I want to back

out and put mom aside. This is your body. This is your marriage. this is your body this is your marriage this is your journey but I want to tell you that infertility is nothing to be ashamed of okay you didn't screw something up this isn't a fault issue this isn't a failure issue okay and the shame that comes with this and the identity challenges that issue. This isn't a failure issue. Okay? And the shame that comes with this and the identity challenges that come with this stack up on the stories your mom

told you your whole life. Right? Yeah. You didn't fail anything. And often secrets literally become inflammatory responses. Our bodies respond to secrets and to controlling messages and trying to control everything around us.

And when we try to control who's saying what about what and who knows what about what, who do you suddenly sound like? Yeah. Who? Her. Yep. And so often one of the most extraordinary responses to growing up in that world is complete and utter vulnerability. I'm an open book because I got nothing to hide because I'm awesome. Not in a YOLO millennial way like, yeah, bro, I'm awesome. Not like that. But I'm worth being loved.

And my body is my body, whether it's doing what I want it to or not. And my husband's body is my husband's body, whether he, you know what I mean? We are standing up on our own two feet. We are standing as tall as we can, and this is our journey. And what I found in my life, when I become obsessive about trying to control messaging when I become obsessive about who knows what and how and who got what story and I told these people this part of it but I told them all of it and this person knows how I really feel I'm the one who goes bonkers and my spiritual life my psychological life my physical life pays the pays the price

so what I would tell you is, I don't care what anybody says. This is y'all's marriage, y'all's bodies, y'all's journey to walk. And the people who love you will walk it with you. And the people who want to judge it or criticize it are welcome to leave the building. When that comes to your,

I'm going to tell you my thought here, and I'm going to caveat it with, I am not a woman. I have, I've been in a relationship where we going to caveat it with, I am not a woman. I have, I've been in a relationship where we struggled infertility, but I know it's different. So I am, I am prefacing it with that.

Okay. I also am prefacing it with my parents are, um, extra were extraordinary in this. And so I didn't have your situation. Okay. I know the psychology your situation. Okay. Okay. I know the psychology of secrets is poison.

It kills us. Yeah. I also know the psychology of trying to live under somebody else's control is poison. It's one of the things that sets off our anxiety alarms and our depression. It's feeling like I'm immobile. And so my recommendation here is you call your mom and y'all meet in person and you tell her all of it. And also tell her, I am not inviting you to tell me about what tests I should get. I'm not inviting you into my sex life. I'm not inviting you into my marriage. I am telling you that this is the journey. I'm not inviting you into my sex life. I'm not inviting you into my marriage. I am telling you that this is the journey.

I don't wanna hear any more jokes. I don't wanna hear any more comments about it. We are walking alongside this. We've got doctors, we've got friends, we've got a counselor, we've got whoever. And this is where we are. Period, it's the end of the story. And if you can set that type of boundary,

it will come with her trying to ramrod that boundary over. And that's when you find out how strong Kate is. Right? Yeah. And when she bams up against that boundary and you hold firm, suddenly there's this, huh. And you stand up a little bit taller and a little bit taller and you realize I'm way stronger than I thought. And then she'll bam up against it again and it will hurt less. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that completely makes sense. And if you just want to leave mom completely out of this, leave mom completely out of this. That's up to you too. And when she gets to make her in her little comments she doesn't get a vote in your life she doesn't get a vote so she can make every stupid little comment she's like oh i just wish i had a grandkid well i wish i had a mom that was an idiot and well neither of us get what we want right you know what i mean yeah have you ever um gone to talk to somebody have you and your husband talked about her role in y'all's marriage yeah i i we went through some marriage counseling and that ended

up being the biggest topic that i ended up staying behind and doing some therapy through okay so is this your first big test yeah this one's a pretty big one okay um of just like i think it's just my emotions are so attached to this one. In other situations, I was able to hard block, but it feels probably the most vulnerable I felt in a really long time. And I think I'm just scared of opening that piece to her and learning how to block her in the end. Often when we build walls, they don't protect us from people on the outside. They keep us locked up.

And they keep you from living wide open. And walls and boundaries are different, I think. Sometimes, especially in abusive relationships, walls keep us alive and we have to have them. I can't see them. I can't hear them. I will not talk to them. I get those boundaries are critically important. But when I'm 31, either I'm just going to say, you know, I'm not talking to my mom anymore. Like I was not, I'm not going to take these coffee meetings anymore. Like she has lost her role in

my life or I'll see you on Thanksgiving and I will be there for four hours and then I'm going to leave. I'm going to stay in a hours and then I'm going to leave. I'm going to stay in a hotel and then we're going to go home. Right? There's those kinds of boundaries and those are important and they're critical and they keep everybody safe. And she can complain all she wants. This is your life. The other side of it is there's some really extraordinary power and strength in saying,

this is my body and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm sad and frustrated by me and my husband's situation. And again, I keep saying your body. I know I'm not insinuating this is your body, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm sad and frustrated by me and my husband's situation. And again, I keep saying your body. I know I'm not insinuating this is your fault, right? I'm saying, or that this is in any way your issue. I'm saying I want you to take full ownership of Kate, and your mom still has a piece of Kate still, right? Yeah.

That's really good advice. I'm definitely going to take that to heart. Do you feel scared when I said, yeah, sit down and just tell her, and then say, and I don't want to hear any of these five things. Because you can't do one without the other, Kate. You can't say, hey, this is happening,

and then she's going to do exactly what you know she's going to do, and then you're going to be mad at her. Yeah. It's this powerful, I am 30 freaking 1. I'm not going to hear you talk about my husband, period. I'm not going to hear you. I know how to go get a doctor's appointment. I don't need your help.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I do want to do it. I do want to meet with her. I think I just am going to have to just mentally prepare myself just to how to have those boundaries and vulnerability, which I think oftentimes I'm one of those flight. I just want to run away from it. But just learning to sit in it and be okay with just being firm in who I am.

So I think it's a really good challenge. And please don't do this blind, meaning have a counseling appointment already set up. Have an appointment with two of your women in your life who are mentors to you. Have a dinner set up with two of your closest friends that you're going to go directly to or some time with your husband that you're going to go direct. Like, don't just do this blind.

Right? You can't just say like, yeah, I'm going to get in the ring and fight that guy. You need to train for the fight. You know, you need to train for the fight and you need to have an appointment with a doctor after it because you're probably going to get hit. But there is some extraordinary power in this vulnerability.

The other thing about vulnerability is you can get hurt real bad. Right? Yeah. The beauty here I feel like is, A, let me be honest with you. I'm trying to sound like I'm all smart. When you called and I heard you, I heard in your voice, a daughter who wants to tell her mom. Yeah. And that also means there's a daughter who's still holding on to a fantasy that this is going to be the time when it all changes and it might not, it probably won't. And yet

you want to tell your mom, you don't want to keep holding these secrets and the secrets are just poisoning you. And that's when I'm going to tell you because I'm not ashamed. This is our reality. This is our story right now. And I do not need your help. And so it's no more secrets plus boundaries. And usually we get those things. We do one or the other.

We have these real tight secrets or we have these wild boundaries. And I want to push people more towards the middle. It's both. Which means I'm going to have strength and it's going to hurt really bad. I'm going to find stronger footing and deeper relationships with people I love. And I'm going to get my heart broken because I wish so badly my mom would come through and she's just not going to. And every time I'm in these conversations, it always surprises me. Where your mom will break down and start weeping and say, I've been there too.

And you didn't even know it, right? Probably not, but possibly. But to anyone listening to this who's struggling with infertility, man, don't be ashamed. You didn't fail. You're not broken. You didn't fail. You're not broken. You didn't do something wrong. This is your story.

And it's heartbreaking. It can be frustrating, especially if you have a picture of a family that's what it's going to look like. And here's our timeline. And all of a sudden, the world dealt you a different set of cards. Just know that the secrets hurt nobody but you.

And if people are going to show themselves their true colors, when you say, here's the hurt that me and my family are going through right now, me and if people are going to show themselves their true colors, when you say, here's the hurt that me and my family are going through right now, me and my partner are going through right now, and they show their true colors by giving you stupid advice

or saying, well, haven't you done this? Then you can grieve that relationship because that one's over. You can have some peace and move on. You can dust your sandals off, dust your shoulders off and move on. I know that's easier said than done,

but thank you so much for that call, Kate. That one's hard. All right, hey, real quick. I got this email. Let's see here. It's right here. Nettie, she wrote in and said, I recently heard you talk about a woman

that married a man who had a gambling addiction just like her father. You said people often marry their unfinished business. Can you explain what you mean by that? Yes. When we don't get things as kids, we often go, we often try to solve that problem relationally. You always hear me say, kids feel a gap between them and their parents, especially when their parents have mental health challenges,

when their parents have addiction challenges, they have physical challenges. Kids know I should be connected to my dad or to my mom and I'm not connected. So I divorce is so hard on kids. And they say, I must be the problem and they go about trying to solve it. Lori Gottlieb, she's a phenomenal writer and mental health practitioner. She's got a great podcast too.

She says that, I love what she says. She says, we have a radar for the familiar, even if it's painful or hurtful. Our brains always try and solve for the familiar, and they're always trying to solve these recurring gaps. And so we can think that we want different, we can think that we want unique, or we want adventurous, but the most powerful parts of our brains and our bodies search desperately for the familiar. So here's how this plays out a lot. Your dad, let's say he was a loud yeller. He yelled a lot. That's how he got power in the house, slamming doors, yelling and all that stuff. Or he was obsessed with always leaving the house. He was always going to do this thing or do that thing or his garden, like it was my garden, right? Or hunting or whatever the thing is. And you said in your head, I'm never going to marry

a guy like that ever. And then you meet Dan and Dan's quiet and laid back and he could care less about baseball or hunting. He's actually a gamer, right? And you told yourself you were never going to marry someone who was always gone, always running around, always on weekend trips or whatever, obsessed with baseball. So you married Dan. He never leaves your house physically, but he's never there emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, because he's down in the basement playing video games. And then what you do is you have one model for how to solve relationship challenges that solve that disconnection.

You do whatever your mom did or whatever the other adult in your house did. And you use the same words, the same wooing techniques, shame, the same one up, one down positioning, all those things. And then all of a sudden this same dance has started. He may not be off hunting, but he's off in call of duty. And then you respond in the same way your mom or your dad did, and it creates the exact same dynamic, and suddenly you're married to a guy who disappears on you again.

And he may not yell, but he controls the house by being really quiet and pouting. Or over time, he may get louder and louder because you're responding in ways that make him want to respond, and then all of a sudden you're in this dance. And kids are always asking, what did I do to make dad want to ignore me, to make mom call me fat? What did I do to make my mom yell or to slam the cabinets or to make my dad want to leave? And kids will tell you nothing. When parents do that, that's on them. That's their challenges that they're working through, their heartaches and their struggles. And so I say we always marry our unfinished business.

Your brain's always looking for familiar. So when you're in a place where you say, I think I'm going to marry this person. I think I love this person. Or you've been married for five or 10 years. And you think, man, my alarms go off every time this happens or that happens. Just pause and back up.

Go 30,000 feet away from where your heart's not racing anymore and say, how's this connected to what I saw when I was a kid? And often, the situation may be different. It may not be gambling. It may be alcohol. It may not be alcohol, but it may be, I married a workaholic. It may be this or that. And suddenly you're going to find out, oh my gosh, I married my mom. Oh my gosh, I married my dad. Oh my gosh, I married somebody just like my dad except completely opposite. And that doesn't mean you're broken. That doesn't mean you're, that means you, you now have a context for how to move forward and reconnect to reimagine your relationship and

build something new and wonderful. But that's what it means when they say we solve our, we marry our unfinished business. Do y'all, have y'all ever done that? We got people that going, no, I'm not talking about you.

Absolutely, yes. That's a difficult question. I'd have to think about it. Yeah, my, I mean, my husband is very similar to my dad, but in good ways. Yeah.

But I mean, yeah, very much so. Zach? Okay. Just doing. but I mean yeah very much so Zach okay just doing it's so great alright as we wrap up today's show oh man I think it's 1992

Dr. Feelgood album It's The Crew from me and Kelly this is one of the greatest songs ever written it's called Don't Go Away. Mad. Just go away. We could sail away or catch a freight train or a rocket ship into outer space. There's nothing left to do.

Too many things were said to ever make it feel like yesterday did. Seasons must change. Separate paths, separate ways. If we blame it on anything, let's blame it on the rain. I knew it all along I'd have to write this song. We were too young to fall in love. I guess I knew it all along. That's all right. That's okay. We were walking through some youth, smiling through some pain. That's all right. That's okay. Let's turn the page and remember what I say, girl. And it goes this way. Girl, don't go away,

Matt. Girl, just go away. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney show.