The Dr. John Delony Show - My Stay-at-Home Husband Refuses To Go Back to Work

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

In today’s episode, we talk to a deployed husband seeking to better support his wife as she parents their struggling daughter, a wife wanting to keep her marriage strong when her husband enters the police force, and wife whose immature husband refuses to go back to work. I’m deployed & our adopted daughter is struggling back at home How can I support my husband as he becomes a police officer? My stay-at-home husband refuses to go back to work Lyrics of the Day: "I Feel Like a Number" - Bob Seger Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a deployed veteran who is missing his kids and they are struggling at home and he wants to know what to do. We also talk to a woman who is married to a brand new police officer and she wants to know how to be a great partner. And we talk to a woman who is married to a deadbeat. Stay tuned. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Man, hope y'all are doing well. Hope the world is spinning right where you live. Man, we got controversies everywhere. We got drama everywhere. We got people hurting everywhere. So I'm glad you took a break from all the chaos to join us on our chaotic neighborhood here. So glad you're here. Don't forget, man, the book is out.

I don't want to keep talking about it, but I want to keep talking about it. I'm excited about it. Own your past, change your future. Go to JohnDeloney.com. Still in preorder. You can buy it now and you get a month free counseling with BetterHelp. By the way, shout out to BetterHelp, man,

for stepping up for that. They didn't have to do that and them getting behind the book and the message and us and more importantly, you. It's pretty rad. James, Benjamin, Kelly,

everybody good? Yeah? Those are lots of thumbs. No words, just thumbs. I'm good. Let's go to Keely out in Hastings, Nebraska. What's up, Keely?

How we doing? Doing well, sir. How are you? Good, brother. So you are, Kelly told me you're deployed. Is that right? Yes, sir. Awesome, man.

And I won't dig into all the what's and where's and when's, but I just want to tell you I'm grateful for you, wherever you happen to be on the planet. Thanks, brother. Thank you. So my question for you today, sir, is how do you help my seven-year-old process trauma and feelings in general, especially while I'm gone? Like, so she—sorry. No, you're good, brother.

So we had adopted her like two and a half years ago out of foster care. Pretty rough. First two weeks of her life. Mom, super flaky. Had guys in and out of her life all the time, right to the point where mom didn't know who bio dad was. So came to our house and just really struggled like

earning her trust and wanting like even like being around me. Because she had part by say 15, 20 guys in and out of her life in the first two and a half years. It's not good.

So it's time to figure out how to help her process that and work through that trauma. Especially with me being gone. She was just diagnosed ADHD a couple months ago. Hey, brother, talk directly into the phone there, okay? Sorry. Okay, you're good, man. She was diagnosed ADHD a couple months ago, which we kind of figured, but trying to get medication, figured out what that's been tough. And just like working on like temper tantrums and having accidents, like she would do great, you know, for five, six, seven days of having an accident.

And then the past, I'd say two weeks, it's been every day. Yeah. And it's like, it's a control thing. And that's just like really struggling. And then when she has these tempers and she has these meltdowns, it's been increasingly more aggressive. Like the other day, she was mad at my wife because she had an accident. And so I'm throwing like car seats my wife in the vehicle and shoes.

So we don't know how to help her process all that. But on the other side, she committed suicide as a little girl ever. You know, like, really feels feelings and empathy. But it's like a flip of a switch. Like one minute she's green green one minute she just snaps and we don't know how to help her awesome well first and foremost man

a lot of my work behind closed doors is with dads who don't care and like just just between two dads and two little kids man I'm grateful that you're out in the world

building the world that my kids are going to inherit. I'm grateful for you that you care about this little girl. I'm also grateful, man, that y'all took her in. Do y'all have any other adopted kids? She's the only one? No, sir. We have a two-year-old and a three-year-old who we adopted mid to late

July, two months before I deployed. Okay. Was your deployment a surprise? There's rumor. There's always rumor. We adopted the two little ones, July 22nd and July 28th. I got the call saying, hey, you're leaving September 29th. Gotcha.

All right. That was kind of stressful. Here's a little bit of context, and then I can give you some—hopefully we can reframe this a little bit, and then we'll give you some tactics, okay, some strategies. Perfect. The big thing here is this. You may have heard me say this before, but whenever we see a dog on the side of the road, and you go up to pet that dog and it just starts growling and it attacks you, most people with a shred of compassion in their soul immediately thinks, what SOB hurts you? Like who treated you this way that my sticking my hand out to pet you and show you love hurt you like this, right? And so we often forget that when it comes to people, especially kids.

And so what I want to do is take off all of the thoughts of control, the thoughts of manipulation. I want to take all that language that's off the table for a while, okay? What I want to hear is, and not that your baby girl's a dog, don't hear me say that, but your baby girl is a dysregulated trauma survivor who's got a little bitty body, who's trying to figure out what's safe, what's normal, and everything in her life up until two years ago was not safe and not normal. And then an incredible man came into her life, and for a five-year-old, a six-year-old, you were number 21, right? You were dude number 21, and then you earned it,

and you earned it every day, every day, every day. Baby step, tiny step, tiny step, earning it through every little hug, every little smile, every little you kept doing bedtime, you kept doing bedtime. And then you got deployed. And so we had this little girl. I want you to think of her right now as just a nervous system that's still trying to figure out what's up and what's down. Okay? system, that's still trying to figure out what's up and what's down. Okay. And anything that's going, ADHD is a neurologic, it's a body's response to chaos. And that's what she's experienced her whole life until she came into your home. Right. And by the way, we also added two new kids.

And if you had, if you had a six-year-old biological kid with no history of trauma, and you brought in a two and a three-year-old, you're going to get temper tantrum. You're going to get all behavior that at the neurological level saying, hey, notice me. What about me? Do I still matter? And then you put all the trauma and the dysregulation on top of that and any physical or sexual abuse she's experienced or seen. Oh my God, she is a beautiful, sweet, loving girl. And when she feels safe and her body feels safe, then man, then you see it. And those are those moments that you know, we're playing a long, long-term game here. And the cornerstone of all of this healing that's going to happen in your

family is going to start with you and your wife, making sure y'all are connected, making sure you're well, she's well. And even when you're on deployment, even when you're home, that y'all's marriage is really strong, that y'all on the same page about things. You're going to have to be the best communicators of any people you know, because that's what the kids are going to anchor into. And what I'm telling you is there is healing in this deal. Do y'all have any sort of trauma counselor she works with? I guess she just got a diagnostic, so is she working with somebody? She has been

going to see a therapist for the past, I'd probably say four years. She's a play therapist, so right now, Lily will see her every other Friday. I've heard some magic with play therapy. One of my mentors was a play therapist. And I've done a little bit of play therapy and it's remarkable for connecting. I've heard extraordinary things about equine therapy with kids in this situation.

And that may be something to consider. And insurance has picked it up in certain places. And so that may be something to look at too. Equine therapy where a kid learns to manage and navigate and join a relationship with a horse. And there's something magical about it. And I don't fully understand it. I've got some friends who are equine therapists and it's remarkable. But it teaches them a level of stability and power and control with an incredibly empathic animal. And it's very big. It teaches them strength and renewal of their own power. But she's getting a play therapy,

which is awesome. Here's a couple of things that I would talk through with your wife as she navigates these things. The big one, the big, big one is don't take these things personally. And we think when a kid has a temper tantrum, when they're snapped, when they're screaming, when they're hitting things, whatever, that we're somehow failing. A kid who is having accidents, you're talking about bathroom

accidents, right? Yeah. Man, the best you can lean into that with I'm so sorry, Cause the kid doesn't want to be doing that. And there's a shame associated with the shame is what causes the screaming and the yelling and the kicking and all that stuff, the anger, the rage. I can't control my own. I know what a normal six-year-old seven-year-old supposed to do and not pee their pants or not go

to bat. Right. And so it's hard as that is to clean up yet another mess and yet another mess and yet another mess, it's leaning back into that and saying, hey, honey, she can be a part of cleaning it up, but we're going to work through this together and not taking it personal. And that's hard. Is your wife struggling with that? She is, yes. Okay. Do you struggle with that? I do. Yes. I mean, they said she can be so good for so long and then it happens and then she won't even be honest.

And I don't know. I didn't do it. It doesn't phase her. Well, just understand that her little bitty six year old, seven year old brain. If you acknowledge that may have gotten her smacked in the face. That may have gotten her kicked out of her mom's room when she was three or four, get away from me. You're disgusting. Or these diapers are like, you don't like the backstory here can be, it's the depths of hell and lying for her is a defense mechanism, not a

character issue like you and I, does that make sense? Yes, sir. And so what we want to do is teach that we're safe and that we're going to call dishonesty out for what it is, but it's going to be a teaching, not a character thing. I hope that makes sense. I want to give a pass on that, especially for a traumatized abuse kid. How's your marriage, man? I know this has got to be, I mean, if I'm you,

and tell me if I'm wrong, I'm feeling powerless. I'm feeling like I'm doing this thing on deployment, which I signed up for, and I know it, and I'm grateful for the mission, all that stuff. But God Almighty, dude, my wife's in hell, and I want to be home. That's the mission, right? How are you feeling?

The marriage is okay now like we really struggled there for probably six months towards you know the beginning middle of 2021 okay just a lot of my own bad decisions which we're working through um working through that and trying to help the girls see that hey mom and dad are dad are working. Mom and dad are okay. We're safe. You are safe. And then this deployment came up right towards the end of those issues being resolved. So I kind of threw a whole new wrench of things.

Yeah. Are you in a place where, not through text messages, but where you and your wife can start pen-palling each other on paper? Yes. I would highly, highly recommend that. That you and her commit to a weekly back and forth. I'm going to put a stamp on it, old school, like it's World War II. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write this. And it might be school, like it's World War II. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write this. And it might be little, it might be minor. It might be me vomiting up how

mad or angry I am, how much I miss you, whatever, and vice versa. But I want you to commit to that. And I wish there was something less cheesy and less simple, but there's some kinetic connection there that happens when you sit down and write stuff down and then put it in an envelope and mail it. And then there becomes this apprehension. I can't wait to get my letter back. And it, it's almost a throwback to when we were dating. Like there's a body, like my body's waiting for this thing. And it's different than a text message or different than a FaceTime.

If y'all would commit to that, you keep doing the other stuff, obviously, keep connecting and talking on FaceTime to your kids and all that, but make that a part of your routine right now. How long is your deployment? It is about a year, so I should be home tentatively

mid to late October. So I want your wife, I want you to strongly encourage her, and even if you don't have the money, I want you to figure out a way to make this happen. She needs to get her own counselor right now that's going to help her. And she may have that. But she's going to have to learn some resilience and strength not to take what's happening personally.

That's a big deal with anyone who adopts kids, especially if you're dealing with sexually abused or traumatized kids. Because they're act out and it feels at you because adults have hurt kids and they're still parsing through, are you safe or not? And so I'm going to explode here as though you're the new bear that's just showed up to my cave, or I'm going to run, or I'm going to shut down, or I'm going to fawn. That's the other one. Sometimes we mistake kids when they nuzzle up on us and it feels so good and they're with us. That's actually a trauma response too sometimes. And so we're going to take all of this behavior, whether really high, really low, or really cute,

and we're going to level it out a little bit and we're going to continue to say, I'm safe, I'm safe. And kids understand safety by, I show up, I never yell, I don't deal in traffic in shame. And what I mean by that is, oh my God, you crapped in your pants again. It's ridiculous. You got to keep control. I don't do that. I say, oh baby, I'm so sorry. We had an accident. Same team, same team. Let's get this picked up. Let's get this cleaned up. And I've got a new pair of pants for you. And let's handle all of them that way, we're going to continue to plug back in on safety, and then

your wife's going to have to, and this may be hard does she have a group of women around her that she trusts that can come be supportive? There's some, it's, you know, I grew up being a parent it's kind of hard sometimes with me being deployed, people don't fully understand what's going on,

especially when you have three traumatized children in your life. Yes. So this is a must, not a recommendation. She's got to get some people around her. It's too heavy. It's too heavy. And this isn't a statement about her strength. This is a statement about, like, I don't care how strong you are.

You can't pick up an F-250 by yourself. This is what that is. And so there's gotta be people that will come over for an hour a day or hour a week or two hours a week that will pick somebody up from school or just once a week drive kids to school or that will show up and mow the yard

and clean the house. Something to give your wife some sort of space that she can breathe. And that space will build on itself over time. Right now, she doesn't have any space to even breathe, to even think about how am I gonna be well in all of this. And the kids can't be well if you and her aren't well. So there's gotta be some sort of conversation.

And normally, brother, like that's hard to ask. Because you think, oh, these are my kids. I adopted them. I need to be able to do this. I should be able to figure this out. And it's just too much, man. That's just a myth. And so having somebody one, two, three, four people around would be, um, uh, it's she's got to have that. Got to have that. Got to have that. Is that possible? Tell me. Yes. Yes, sir. Okay. It's humility and it's starting, it's being vulnerable, but you got to do it. Go ahead, man. Sorry. Yeah. So her whole family lives in Hastings. So that's,

they're, they're all super helpful. My mother-in-law lives a hundred yards up the road. Oh, that's awesome. All right. So let's put this on the calendar. Not let's wait until there's an explosion and a teary, I need mom, I need you right now to come down. Let's put on the count every Tuesday at eight o'clock, mom shows up and I'm gone until 11. And then I come back. And you know what else you're gonna teach your kids when you do that?

That love doesn't mean constant, never ending connection. That mom, this woman will leave and she comes back every time. And dad, he calls us every day. He's still calling. He's still checking in with us. He's still writing us letters. He's drawing us funny pictures.

He's sending us silly books, whatever. We're going to teach these kids that there's a come and go to relationships. It's natural. But these two kept showing up. These two kept showing up. These two kept showing up. But I'll do a real quick recap because I know we went all over the place and I know I recap too much sometimes. But behavior is a language. What is your baby girl trying to tell

you? Take the, she's just doing this to get attention or can take that language away and reframe it. Her body is trying to determine, are you going to hurt her too? And hurt can be acute. It can be abuse. It can be, I'm coming at you, but it can also be neglect. Are you going to show up?

Am I going to be stuck here again? And her body's trying to figure out what that feels like. Her mind is trying to feel what that feels like. And you and your wife are playing a 10, 15, 20 year game. This is going to get hard and it's going to get challenging. And her body's going to continue to say adults aren't safe, especially men. And you, my brother, are going to continue to say, yes, I am. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep showing up. Stay plugged into that therapist. Stay plugged in that therapist. Check out Equine Therapy. Write your sweet, sweet wife a letter. Do it every week. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can

learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.

You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. Hey, what's up? We are back. Let's go to Carrie in Phoenix, Arizona. What's up, Carrie? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? Dude, dancing like I have never danced before. I'm dancing on the ceiling, Lionel Richie style. What are you doing?

I am hiding in a closet so my toddler doesn't know it. So good. So good, man. So what's up? We'll talk quietly. Well, that's why I'm in the closet so I can talk normal. So my husband is currently in the police academy and this job is hard and we know that we're not naive to that. But we just want to know how we can be proactive and preventative so we both can have a mentally healthy experience with this and it can be positive for our family. Wow. So why in the world would anybody join the police force right now? My husband wants to make a difference.

He wants to be the good out there. He's seen the miracles that police officers can provide for the people and he wants to be a part of it. He hates sitting behind a desk and he wanted a job that had purpose. What a stud, man. What a great man. And what a great partner that you are walking alongside him. It's incredible. Incredible. Okay. Number one, thank you for your service really. Number two, thank you for asking these questions before.

So you guys have already experienced something y'all thought you knew what it was going to be then he goes to academy and academy's you know shocking all a little bit walk walk me through what you guys are now you're feeling the rattling and this job hasn't even started so what are y'all experiencing already that's making you go oh oh, what have we done? I mean, there's no regret at all. We are 110% into this. Part of it, I think, is seeing all the unrest that's out there is we don't want.

We know that it's not all going to be unicorns and butterflies and great experiences. But we know that it can be a positive experience. And so that's part of it is seeing all of that. So we just knew going into it. Um, it, I think part of it too, is my husband has interacted with some people where he's like, wow, not like some cops really, they have a hard time and they kind of can sometimes not stay as positive and, and uplifting as people, or they, they end up, we went to a family night and they're like yeah a lot of cops end up divorced and you know and so it's just kind of has the uh depressing around it um and so it's it's not that we've necessarily had anything happen we just hear about a lot of this and we want to be able to come out on top and with an intact

marriage and um and have learned and grown from it and not just suffered through it. You are making my heart full. That's so wise. It's so good for both of you, for your community. Phoenix is lucky to have a couple like you two. Okay. So I'm going to give you a lot. And some of this is – I grew up in the house of a homicide detective and a SWAT guy.

Okay. So this is my family. And I've worked with police officers behind closed doors for years and even some research here. So I'm going to give you a lot, and I'll throw it at you. And you may not even have a pen in the closet in the dark where you're sitting hiding from your little one. But you can just go back and check this story out. And by the way, for those who are listening, this applies not just to police officers. This applies to new lawyers who are married. This applies to nurses and nurse practitioners

and new physicians. This applies to young business owners. Anybody who's put in a really stressful situation with a young marriage and little kids, it's easy for the wheels to start rattling early on. And if you don't deal with it preventatively, prophylactically, man, like you said, you talk to grizzled, exhausted old police officers, I'm on the wife number three, they keep her. And you think, oh my gosh, is this

our destiny? No, it's not. It's not. But you got to start young. You got to start soon. So proud of you. Okay. Here's the two big ones for you. Okay. Okay. Never again, turn on the news or social media about police officers. Okay. Never again. Okay. Over. You will get the information you need about what's going on in your local community, in your local state, from your husband and from your friends, and that will be enough. Okay. There is a narrative on one side of the equation that police are infallible, imperfect, and we should all bow, and that's inaccurate and false. And there's a narrative on the other side that all police are evil and ridiculous and awful, and that is absurd and just intractably false, right?

The goal of all that media is not to pass along information that's true about what's happening in the state of policing in America. The goal of that information is to get your heart rate up on either side of the equation, to get you fired up, to get you to post back, to get you to keep clicking. And so as someone who loves a police officer, nobody will have more information, more on source than you. So you don't need them. Opt out, okay? Okay, okay. So be intentional about that. Here's the second thing. There will come a season, if it hasn't already, that every time your phone rings or there's a knock on your door,

you're instantly going to go to worst case scenario. My mom told me when I was 18, 19, I wanted to go to the FBI. And she said, I'm asking you as your mom not to do that. And I said, why? She said, well, I'm thinking about your future wife. And when you're 18, you're like whatever and she said every day of my life for the last 30 years i your dad leaves and i think he may not come home today that's how the wheels are written that's how all the information is stored in the special

fireproof box that every police officer has in their home, every day they go to work, they may not come home. And what I didn't understand was that two people carry that, both the officer and their spouse. The hardest part of this is not knowing. Even the academy, it's not. His wife's on the line, but I never know how the day went. I never know if he passed his classes. I never know anything until he gets home. And it's been hard to not have anxiety over that.

Yes, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to carry a journal with you. Keep it in your purse. Keep it by your side. Use your notes app. And when you get these stories that pop in your head, just write them down. Write them down because you can't do anything about them. And so we're going to write them down and then I'm going to move on about my day.

And that sounds ridiculous and it's not going to stop it initially. Over time, your body will recognize, oh, she's in control of these thoughts. She's control of these stories. There's no reason to get worked up. And we're going to let that breathe. Okay. So those are your two, number three for you. You have to have friends that aren't cops, wives. Okay. You're going to have to be hyper-intentional about that. Your world will begin to skew everything police, and all police deal with all day long is everybody else's worst-case scenarios.

Nobody calls the police just to invite them to their house to give them gifts. We should do that, but we don't. And so over time, it's common and it's normal for a police officer who's running the beat 12 hours a day, five 12s a week or whatever shifts they're running, to get a different view of the world than is reality. Okay? When I say reality, statistical aggregation. Their reality is very, very real. And when you hang out with wives like that Then it's all about

And you I want you to have people Who bring sunshine and joy into your life Okay Now here's what y'all can do together And this is super huge And this is all about one word Intentionality And another word routine

And another word consistency That's three words. All right. Intentionality, routine, and consistency. Commit to come hell or high water. Come what may. Starting today, you and your husband are going to have mental, physical, spiritual, and relational connectivity every day. Make that part of your thing. Those things could all be one minute each. It'd be better if they weren't. But if you, I want you guys to build in practices together that might be going for a walk together and saying nothing. That might be, y'all just do 10 pushups together. That's it. It might be sex and intimacy. It might be y'all go to the gym

together. I don't know what it is. I don't know what your schedule allows, but if you're working, you got kids, all that stuff. But you got to have some physical connectivity. You'll have to have a time to talk to one another every single day. How are you? And how are you? Cops are notorious for trying to fix everybody around them because that's what they get called in to do every day. She's being mean to me and he tried to punch me and the cop has to go solve that problem as a math problem that does not work with wife and kids or with husbands and kids, right? So he needs to sit down and listen to your day. You may want to read him your journal, your questions that popped up or just say, here's what happened today. And his only response can be, thank you so much for sharing.

I'm so glad you're in this with me. And here's a fun story that happened today. Do you like hearing, has he started doing ride-alongs yet? I think he starts out in two weeks. Okay. So when I was running around at night in some of the most bonkers situations ever, I learned really quick, and I was not a police officer. I was on the payroll. I was running adjunct to them. They were doing the hard stuff, and I was showing up as a victim services guy. I learned real, real quick those stories,

the things I was seeing and experiencing, my wife did not need to hear. And I had to make sure I had other places to go. For me, that was a counselor. For me, that was a couple of close friends. For me, that was a supervisor, Dr. Andy Young, who was world-class, one of the best ever, ever. Your husband's going to have to have places where he can talk about what he has seen and what he has experienced that's not you you are not a trash can for what happens and i also went too far and i completely cut my wife out of these what i was experiencing and we found ourselves two inches apart on the couch and five thousand miles away from each other so there's got to be some sort of hey i saw something really hard and dark last night

and it's messing with me. And I don't, I'm not into talking tonight. Can we just hold hands and watch The Office? That has to be a language y'all carry with each other. Okay. And you're going to be like, all right, well, tell me what happened. And he may tell you the first time

and you're like, well, that's the last time I want to hear about that story. Right. And I'm talking about stories that we don't even imagine. I would not have even known that some of that stuff was real until I saw it with my own eyes. And so to say it out loud, because you've seen it, people around you, man, good grief.

I mean, we've had meetings with James and Kelly. It's like, oh, yeah, this happened one time. I look around, the whole room is just staring at me. Like, what are you talking about? And so you're going to have to know what you can handle, what you don't want to handle. It's not a matter of your weakness, not a matter of you love him, anything like that.

It's a matter of, we're going to keep this thing moving forward. And then a weekly routine, never miss check-ins together. What does calendar look like? What's the status of your heart look like? Hey, we haven't slept together in two weeks. We're going to put that on the calendar because that's got to stay a priority for us. We haven't gone on a date in 18 months because we have little kids and I'm hiding in closets now. We're going to have to make that stuff a priority. Even when you're tired, even when he's tired, y'all got to figure out ways that y'all can connect,

especially in the beginning. Is that cool? Yeah. And when he does have the traumatic experiences is talking to a counselor, the best thing to do, are there other things he can do to work through it so that he doesn't come home and take it out on me and our kids? The come home and take it out on our kids is a, it's a myth. And when I say it's a myth, that does happen. But just because you see and experience hard things doesn't mean the kids are going to get it. So everybody deals with it differently. I'm equally concerned about dads who come home with that kind of stuff and check out. They just completely unplug and check out.

As I am with dads who come home and yell and scream a lot. Both of those things are traumatizing, especially to kids and especially to spouses. And so I'm less concerned with he needs to do this thing. If he discharges his weapon at somebody and hits them, he will have to go talk to somebody. I'm more concerned with you guys having a marriage counselor that y'all can talk to regularly once a month. We have one right now that we go through. Awesome. And making sure y'all are communicating together. He just has to have some sort of process. And the thing I told you about the mental, physical, spiritual, relational, that will give him rhythm and routine. And rhythm and routine and intentionality creates resilience.

And so when these things happen, there is a trampoline-style floor he can land on. The landing doesn't smash him, right? In the landing, it gives him a bounce so he can land on. The landing doesn't smash him, right? And the landing, it gives him a bounce so he can come back. And if you don't have those things, then when the first big one happens, the first time you walk into a room and see multiple dead people and multiple, there's blood everywhere. I mean, when you see some of that stuff, you hit the concrete, right? And there's no bouncing back. And then the only thing to make that feel better is another drink or texting an old girlfriend or whatever the thing is, right, that ends up with divorce and divorce and divorce and divorce and divorce. So it's setting those things up.

Here's the final thing I want to pass along to you guys. This is going to sound gross, what I'm about to say. I'm excited. You're a mom of a toddler. There is nothing that's gross for you. Not gross in the poop and pee kind of way, but gross in it feels transactional. I want y'all,

and this is from the great therapist, Terry Real, who's going to be on our show in a few, I'm super excited. Terry says, an important thing to do is to ask your husband, what needs of yours can I meet so that you can be available to meet my needs? And that feels gross because it feels ROI. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

And out of the gate, it feels yucky. Like, all right, what are the five things I just have to do for you? So that you will plug back in. And then he is instantly going, all right, you do those five things, I'm going to plug in. And these 12 things, what we're doing is we're practicing this ons and offs. What are the things that turn on this home for you that make this place safe for you, that make you feel sexual and desired, that make you laugh and that bring you joy? You can walk into your home and your shoulders drop. I'm talking like in my house, you know what it is? It's that

when my wife is gone and she's coming home in the evening that the front porch lights are on. I don't know why that is, but that's a thing. And she sees those lights because my driveway is really far into the woods. And she says she'll get tears in her eyes as she drives up the driveway, knowing the home is going to be warm. It's going to be safe and that people are waiting for her to come home. In a million years, if you had said write down ways to make your wife feel safe and loved, I'd never have written down, turn the front porch lights on, right? So you and your husband are gonna sit down and make a list.

What are things you need from me? And there may be days that you circle back to him and say, hey, you told me that sex was important to you and we're on week two. We need to do this. And it's gonna sound like, hey, you need to get your butt out and mow the yard. It's gonna feel like that.

But we are leaning into what does he need? And he's going to lean into what does she need? And in short order, this becomes a way of being. I'm walking into my home, looking, scanning the room, not for what's out of place around here. I'm scanning the room for how can I best love my kids and my wife right this second. And my wife has already thought through that too. And so I walk in and my shoulders drop and then her shoulders drop. And now we're meeting each other in a vulnerable, connected way. Dude, it changes everything. What's hard for police officers is when they come home and they're back

in another tense situation because they've been tense all day. And what's hard for a wife is when she's been tense and running around, or a spouse, I mean, husband's too, and then a husband comes home or the wife comes home who's a police officer and they're tense and then now the whole house is tense, right? So that tension works, but let's just let that crap out by saying, what do you need? I'm going to make it happen, but here's what I need to. We're going to be open and we're going to be honest about that. How does that sound?

That sounds great, thank you so much You are awesome I've talked at you like big time for like 20 straight minutes Without even breathing I'm super passionate about this Because I know this If police officers have safe homes Then our communities are safer If they've got deep, plugged in,

connected relationships, all of us win. And I know if things are messy at home in any job, things are messy at work. I can't be whole if I'm not whole at home, right? Can I just tell you, Carrie,

how old are you? I'm 27. They don't make them like you. You're incredible. And I'm grateful for you. make them like you You're incredible And I'm grateful for you Thank you For real Just even having this phone call

Even thinking down the line So great And make sure he's got some friends That aren't police officers too Okay Okay Drag him along to your weird stuff He's gonna just wanna hang out with cops

And it's gonna be cops And cops And cops And I'm talking to you lawyers And lawyers And lawyers And doctors And doctors

Have some friends that do other things. Two of my closest friends. One's a CEO of a lawn care company now after being the chief information officer at some fancy tech companies. Another one of my great friends sells oil. He's a lube salesman. Not that we make any jokes about that. And one of my other great friends is a, Caleb works at Napa Auto Parts.

Got another buddy who's in crazy, a banker, another buddy who works at HVAC company. And I'm a freaking YouTuber. You know what we talk about? Everything, everything. It's incredible. We'll be right back. For too long, we've avoided the hard conversations about mental health, relationships, and the food we eat.

And I don't want it to be true either, but it is. The quality and quantity of the food that we put into our body, it matters. And oftentimes we're forced to decide between cheap food that's good for our budget or expensive food that's good for our family. But there's a company that solved the problem.

Greensberry is a family-owned meat provider working with farmers and fishermen all over the country. They sell organic grass-fed beef, free-range poultry, pork, lamb, bison, and sustainable seafood. Their meat is less expensive than what I can get at the grocery store right down the street, and they deliver it to my door. Now listen, I'm a lunatic about meat quality, and, and they deliver it to my door. Now listen,

I'm a lunatic about meat quality, and this is the stuff I feed my family. So go to greensberry.com slash deloney, and you'll get 10% off your first purchase. Check it out today. Your nutrition is worth it. Greensberry.com, that's G-R-E-E-N-S-B-U-R-Y.com. All right, we got one more. Let's go to the home of the great Chuck Liddell, San Luis Obispo, California, and talk to Jessica. Hey, Jessica, what's up? Hi, John, how are you? So good, how are you? I'm doing good.

So what in the world is going on? Well, I have a question for you of how to handle my husband. Basically, back in 2000, I don't know. The way you asked that was incredible. I'm sorry. Back in 2007, my husband and I were in a situation where we had four kids and we had paid off our house. So we were in a really good situation. So I wanted to work part-time. And so we were both working part-time and it was working. And then I wanted to get a bigger house. So I made a deal with him. I said, if we can get a bigger house, I'll go back to work full-time and then you can go and be a stay-at-home dad again. So we did that. And now it's 2022. The kids are older. The youngest are in

10th and 12th grade. And I would like him to go back to work. And he refuses. He says, no, you made a deal and you have to stick to it. You made a deal. Was this Vegas? What? He made a deal. The deal was, I wanted a bigger house. He was happy with the little house. I said, you know, I personally, I felt suffocated. I felt like a rat who was going to, you know, like go crazy one day in that tiny house. So I said, okay, if we get a bigger house, I'll go back to work full time. And then you can stay at home with the kids. And now that the kids are older, they don't need him anymore at home.

He needs to go in and be, you know, providing for the family too. Oh man. And he refuses. He says, no, you made a deal. We're going to stick to it. The kids need me. And I say, no, you made a deal. We're going to stick to it. The kids need me. And I say, no, they don't need you. They're in 12th grade and 10th grade and they're good. They don't drink. They don't smoke. They don't do drugs. They don't have sex. They don't do,

they don't get in trouble with the police. There's there. We've done our job. Jessica, they do all of those things. They just don't tell you. I'm totally kidding. I'm totally kidding. No, they don't. I'm totally kidding. I'm totally kidding. No, they don't. I know they don't. I'm totally kidding. So, um, there's something way beneath this. Yes. There's lots of things way beneath this. Trust me. I can, I can feel it through the phone. Can I just cut, can I cut to it and you tell me if I'm wrong? You absolutely in no way, shape, form or fashion.

Do you have an ounce of respect for this man? Yes, that's the problem. And he wants me to respect him and to do what he says, and he gets a little, he's not like mean, but he knows that I don't give him the respect that I should as a Christian wife. And the reason is because it's very hard to respect a man who doesn't want to take care of himself or his family the way that I assume that a man should want to do. So let's take the Christian wife baggage off of this for a second. Let's just talk about human dignity.

Okay. Okay. This is a guy. I was going to ask you, tell me about his physicality. Yes. That is another problem is the reason why I want him to go back to work is basically because basically for the whole or we've been married almost 27 years. And for the past 27 years, I've always been the one to provide the health benefits through my working places. And it's really frustrating to me because he's overweight and he refuses to lose his weight.

He just thinks it's funny. And he has type two diabetes and he's expensive. And it's, I feel that it's unfair that I'm shelling out an extra $6,000 a year to help pay for his medicine. And he won't even, you know, provide for his, the cost of, you know, if he had a job in California working 30 hours a week, you get benefits. So even if he worked, I don't care where he works. Yeah, but this isn't about that. So let me hear me say as clearly as I can. He needs to get his butt off the couch and contribute. Yes.

Period. But I can't do it. Hold on, hold on. Full stop, full stop. He's got to get off his butt and contribute. Contribution looks different in all sorts of ways, but he's got to contribute. But you're talking about a vicious shame and blame cycle that y'all two have created. And this is probably a 25-year dance where why in the world would he want to participate in home building relationship connectivity with somebody who acts like his mom?

Who's always on him about you need to do this and you do this and this is what I signed up for and you're not the kind of man or whatever. And why in the world would you want to create a world with a guy who's literally killing himself slowly? Diseases of despair. This is a long-tail suicide. I'm not going to move. I'm not going to have any purpose. I'm going to sit around here, and I'm going to eat.

I'm not going to exercise. My body's just going to fall apart on me. Why would you want to connect to that? You see, like, both of you are plugs, and you've got those plug covers that you put when there's newborns in the house. It's just not happening. And now you get into this world of blame and finger pointing because you don't like who

you've become. He didn't like who he's become, but there's nobody there to anchor into because it's just this loop-de-loop-de-loop-de-loop. Have you found somebody else? Nope. Over 25 years nope so walk me through how lonely it's been for a quarter of a century well it's not that lonely don't forget we have four kids no no no that's not that's not intimacy those are kids true well actually actually, we do have a lot of things in common that we do like to do together.

And we do have – But you've got to – you've got to – you can distract yourself. And he's probably funny. And he's probably fun to be around. And you all both like watching NASCAR or whatever the thing is. Yeah. But you don't like him. Well, I don't know.

I mean, he says that sometimes. He's like, I don't think you like me. Jessica, you don't. I just met you. You don't like him. You don't like him. Okay. So now what?

He may not. Say it. Say it. And he may not be likable. And so whenever we run up against this, this dance, somebody, somebody has to say enough. I'm stopping this. I'm stopping the dance. But here's the thing.

You cannot stop the dance Through finger pointing And grenade throwing You can only stop the dance By saying what can I control In this dance And the only thing you can control is you Okay And what do I do

You don't like you either Okay Is that true or am I wrong Maybe you like you You don't like you either. Okay. Is that true or am I wrong? Maybe you like you. You don't like who you've become. Yeah, I guess I don't like, I don't like, I don't know. I don't think I don't like me.

I think I, I, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. That's right. You're this perpetual victim. You don't like where your life has ended up. And it's everybody else's fault. And you got a husband who's not doing anything. So there is some contribution there. Make no mistake.

Okay. But what I want you to do is to stop looking externally for the solutions to why you feel the way you feel inside. And instead say, what can I control in this situation? When's the last time I exercised? When's the last time I sat down and said, the way you treat me and you, a guy I love, the way you treat yourself breaks my heart. And I can't do anything about it. So I'm through fighting you. I'm through yelling at you. I'm not going to sit here and just watch you die, which is what you're doing.

You're killing yourself in our living room. I can't be a part of that. I'm out. What's kept you from doing that? Actually, we just had this conversation not that long ago. So I did explain to him that, you know, he wasn't contributing enough and it's not fair to me. And I, I trust me, we fight about the exercise and the losing weight a lot. And I do exercise. So, I mean, yeah, I've exercised. I was doing the whole over 10,000 steps a day for a long, long time.

So I do exercise and hike and all of that, my personal self. I got that. But listen, you started the conversation with him about this isn't fair to me. Correct. That's a victim language. Right. It's not power-owning language. I want you to take your power back and to say,

I want you to take ownership of your... Here's the problem that I'm having. Okay. So you know how you said that I was like being the mother to him? He hates it when he's like, you're trying to be the boss, you're trying to be in charge of everything around here,

and that's not your role. And I say, yes, I know. And he's like, you know, I'm in charge, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What? Listen, y'all have a screwed up power dynamic. It's you versus him. And it's got to be y'all together. Exactly.

And that's the thing. So I, that's why... So stop fighting. You can't win this. 26 years. Try something new. Okay. 26 years.

So what do I do? Try something new. Because I've, here's what I've tried in the past. I've tried just shutting up and saying nothing. I've tried being a complete bitch. I've tried, um, just doing my own thing.

I've tried, um, I've tried just pretending in my head that he's on disability and there's something wrong with him to just suck it up and do it. I've tried pretending like he's hired help and his job is to take care of the kids. So you can't expect anything else. Like I've tried all of these things in my head, done the mental gymnastics. But the one thing you had, all those things mentioned you and mentioned him.

Talking about you. Okay. Okay. Okay. So tell me what I need to do because I've, I don't know what else to do because I do work all day and then come home and do, you know, he does a lot. He does, um, you know, make the dinners and he does, you know, do stuff like that. He takes the kids to school and he does do the grocery shopping and stuff like that. He doesn't do nothing completely. But I just, I mean, the problem is that he's trying to control the money too, saying that I shouldn't buy this. I shouldn't do this because blah, blah, blah.

And I'm thinking, well, if you had a job, then we would have the money to do that. And we have money. That's what's frustrating when i was i don't know 22 23 college i thought i was mr mma guy and i thought honor and power and strength was about flexing all the time i was always on the lookout for who's disrespecting who and who can I protect. And do you look at my wife? I was that guy. What an idiot.

What an idiot. And then after I spent a few years with professional fighters, their job, their paycheck is punching other people in the face for money. I realized a few things. Number one, you never know. One of the worst beatings I ever took in my life in training was from a 5'3 nurse named Mateo, and he worked me over sideways. I still remember it. And here's what it did. It humbled me in a dramatic way. And I started thinking, huh, if I wait until there's a altercation, which by the way, never happens. If I wait for an altercation to display to my wife that I love her, what a loser I am. So then I just started displaying love to my wife all the time. And what that freed me from

was having to flex it. I just said'm not gonna fight anybody. I'm going home This is stupid. I'm leaving you say whatever you want about me and my family. Congratulations. I hope you have a great day I'm out of here. That's not honor. That's not integrity. That's cowardice and being a child So here's what i'm telling you When I walked through the world looking for oh, yeah. Oh, yeah That's not that's not right step up All I could see all day long was that nonsense looking for, oh yeah, oh yeah, that's not right, step up. All I could see all day long was that nonsense.

And then when I said, dude, I'm not, I'm just not, I'm out. I can't describe the peace. I just don't, I don't fight. Have a good day, right? And here's what I'm telling you that. At some point, you've got to- So basically you're saying to look for the good And not the bad You have to have an or what moment

And you haven't had it yet Okay, what does that mean? Are you gonna leave? No Ever No There we are So just suck it up

No, suck it up is different than make peace Okay Okay Suck it up is different than make peace Suck it up is I'm going to grit my teeth I'm going to grind my way through this And peace is I really love you

And I hate the fact that You're killing yourself in our house We have these goals together Let's dream about what this could look like and I hate the fact that you're killing yourself in our house. We have these goals together. Let's dream about what this could look like, not about what's fair to me and fair to you, and who gets to control this and control that. Let's dream about what this could look like.

Well, what if we have different goals? Like he's completely satisfied with the status quo of his health. He's completely satisfied with the status quo of how he keeps house. He doesn't think that it needs repairs and things like that. And, you know, I would like to have people over to the house, but because he's so messy, I can't. Why are you staying in this marriage? Well, it's not a reason to get a divorce just because somebody's messy. You know what I mean? That's not a thing that you would get a divorce over.

I know, but it's a thing that you are killing yourself over. The rage and the anger and the frustration and the constant is killing you. Yeah, but that's not, I mean, there are lots of people who have messy spouses who don't get divorced over that. That's not a reason to get a divorce. So what is his behavior trying to tell you? He's happy. He sees nothing wrong with the way it is. He doesn't.

He doesn't think that... His dad was very messy, So he's very messy. So he doesn't, when he looks at the mess, he doesn't see it the way I look at it. And then he thinks that I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses and trying to impress somebody. I just want to be normal.

I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses. Well, and your picture of normal. And again, I'm not in your house. I can't see it. And this may be a totally different conversation. But y'all have a different definition of what's normal.

And here's the thing. Have you heard me talk about pictures and words? No. So one of the chief challenges with all marriages is that we think in pictures, but we speak in words and you look at him and you have a picture of a lazy, respect-free slob who is wasting his life and is keeping you from having community and friends because of how he lives. That's a picture. And your picture and your words you use to communicate that are, you're not healthy.

You're not even, you're a bum. What are you doing? And he's got a picture of what happy looks like. And that is, I don't even have to get a job. My life's awesome. I made a deal 30 years ago. This is incredible. And it's cool.

My wife and I have some good laughs and some good fun. I saw how my dad did it, and that's pretty much what's happening here. I got great kids. We're doing something right. I'm good. And what you haven't done for him, y'all, you're using the same words, and you're just going right past each other. And so you got to paint a picture.

Here is not, like when you say, I just want to be normal. He's saying, I've got a picture of normal, and this is it. And you're saying, I've got a picture of normal and this is it. And you're saying, I've got a picture of normal and it looks like her house or that guy's house or it feels like people come over and I'm not embarrassed. Correct. And so what you guys have to do, you got to do this, is you'll have to go spend some time together painting a picture. Here's what this means for me. And here's what this means for me. And here's what this means for him. And what I'm telling you is this,

if he looks at your picture and says, I will never do that. I don't love it. It's exhausting. I'm scared. I'm something. I will never do that. Then you, Jessica, have a decision to make.

One of three choices. I'm gonna nag him until he dies. I'm just going to continue to lean in, lean in, lean in, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, say it, be frustrated, be angry. You can leave him, which I don't think is the right move. Or you can say, I love you enough to not let you just die like this, but I also know I can't make you work. I can't make you be a participant in this home. And it breaks my heart and I'm sorry. My picture for us is that we have people over in the house looks like this. And here's an actual

picture. My picture is that my husband doesn't have type two diabetes because he doesn't take care of his body. He's not a good steward of it. My picture is not that you treat me fairly, that you get your job and I get my job and I've been giving you health insurance. My picture is, is that we get back to laughing really hard and that you like me again and I like you again. And so the only thing I can control here is that I'm just gonna start liking you again for all of your quirks and weirdness and whatever. I am gonna hire somebody to clean the house

because I want people over and you refuse to do that. So I'm gonna hire somebody to clean the house and that's gonna cut into some of your video game time or your whatever time. And I am going to fill in the house. And that's going to cut into some of your video game time or your whatever time. And I am going to fill in the blank. I'm going to start backfilling some of these things. And you can choose to look at him as a leech, as somebody who is sucking your soul out of your life. And he might be, but if you're not going to leave, then you can either choose to make peace with what is or continue to go to war inside your body every single day. And what I'm telling you is not just give up and I'm just going to cut ties.

No, I'm going to start loving the guy just in all of his goofy, annoying, heartbreaking glory. And I'm going to go about controlling the things I can control. I'm going to let him know that he's loved and that I'm heartbroken. I'm going to be frustrated, but I'm not, I'm going to stop carrying that stuff around because you're not going to go.

You do love the guy. You don't like him, but you love the guy. He's the dad of your kids. He's done a good job. He's incredibly lazy, unfathomably lazy. I don't know how he got untangled from this.

And by the way, you can make a new deal. You can say, all right, deal's over now. I'm making a new one. You're welcome to do that. But here's what I'm trying to get you. I'm not trying to, if he was on the phone, I can promise you I'd be letting him have it. What I want you to come to realization is that nagging, complaining,

throwing stuff at people never, ever works. It doesn't work. And what it does in the process is it drags you down. And I want you to get back to somebody that you respect, that you love, that you treat with dignity. And it's not through grinding it out and exercise. That's part of it. But it's also, man, I'm going to get back to joy.

What are the things that bring me joy? Being here doesn't bring me joy. So I'm going to go do that stuff. Hiring somebody and having people over every Friday, that brings me joy. I'm going to start doing that. What are the things that bring you joy? Because that's all you can control,

your thoughts and your actions. And let me be honest, I know this is super, super hard. Start back with you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. Whew, man. It was a couple of hard calls calls my heart's broken for everybody that was hard man

that was hard hard hard Ben I was gonna ask you a real personal question about your marriage but I won't do that I just thought that'd be funny but it wouldn't be I appreciate it you're welcome by the way do you like your I'm just kidding don't do that alright hey as we wrap up today's show man again check it out

own your past change your future. It is available for presale at johndeloney.com. And today, man, from our friend Dawn that works with us here, she takes care of all my speaking engagement stuff. She's incredible. Songs by the rambling, gambling man, the legend, the one and only Bob Seger off the Stranger in Town record.

The song is I Feel Like a Number, and it goes like this. I take my card and I stand in line. To make a buck, I work overtime. Dear sir, letters keep coming in the mail. I work my back till it's racked with pain. The boss can't even recall my name. I show up late and I'm docked. It never fails.

I feel like just another spoke in a great big wheel, like a tiny blade of grass in a great big field. And I feel like a number. I feel like a stranger, in a great big wheel like a tiny blade of grass in a great big field And I feel like a number I feel like a stranger a stranger in this land I feel like a number. I'm not a number and you're not a number either. We'll see you soon