The Dr. John Delony Show - My Stepdaughter Identifies as a Fox

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A mom struggling to love and accept her unusual stepchild -       A wife unsure of how to explain her OCD diagnosis to her husband -       A woman wondering how to open up to relationships Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of Therapy at Better Help!   3 Free Months of Hallow  25% Off Thorne Orders  15% off the Apollo Wearables Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle!  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY Next Steps 📞 Ask John a Question!  click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭John's Free Guided Meditation ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My stepdaughter is a Therian. She identifies as a fox. She wears a mask and a tail and has a YouTube channel. Now my daughter is a Therian also. She identifies as a giraffe, if you're curious. Yo, yo, yo, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about marriages and relationships and kids and your mental health and your emotional health.

For more than two decades, I've been sitting with people behind closed doors when the worlds have fallen apart and helping them figure out, all right, now that whatever's happened has happened, what are we going to do next? Or people who found themselves stuck or facing kids or school situations

or relationships or spouses and going, what do I do now? And so this show is about you and it's for you. It's real people going through real stuff. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Hopefully they edited the other part out. I'm laughing because I messed up my own phone number. And by messed up, I just totally forgot it.

1-844-693-3291. I promise I haven't been drinking this morning, Kelly. It's still the a.m. I know the jury's out, but I promise I haven't. Well, I don't even think the jury's out anymore because for those who don't know, we've recorded some ads this morning and it hasn't gone smoothly.

I'm just talking slow and slurry. I don't know what the deal is. I know, yeah. When you did that first ad, I was like, whoa. I know. What'd you have for breakfast this morning? In air quotes yep

it's in breakfasts not the booze or the the P-I-L-L-S I'm just just running low that's it but

I'm here for you go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK if you want to be on this show even if just ask what's wrong with that guy usually I'm just all hyper diaper

I'm just I'm just let guy usually i'm just all hyper diaper i'm just i'm just uh let's never use hyper diaper hyper diaper is a thing that happens when little kids run and then they go you see them like over in the corner just not facing you right their face is all red and they turn around you're like did you just poop and they go no that's hyper diaper yeah but you let's not you be that way because that's not an issue we need to deal with. Let's go out to Salt Lake City and talk to J-I-L-L. What's up, Jill? How we doing?

Hey, Deloney. I'm happy to talk to you. I am more happy to talk to you. What is up? So I have been happily married for 11 years. And I have a stepdaughter who's 13. And then my husband and I have two younger kids together. My stepdaughter is a Therian.

She identifies as a fox. She wears a mask and a tail and has a YouTube channel of her jumping around like a fox in really short shorts. And this is mostly being done at her mom's house. She's had the YouTube channel for about six months, but we just found out about it. She's also had a smartphone since she was 10. She's at our house every other weekend. And this last time she came over, she had made my daughter, who's nine, a mask and was teaching her how to jump and filming her with her cell phone and presumably to give her feedback on how to jump better. Well, duh, Jill. And ever since.

Duh. Every young fox has to learn how to jump. How else do you think they're going to learn? Hey, can we just stop for a second? Yes, please. I hope that if you've listened to the show for a while, you know, like, man, I just weighed into some. And what's on the show is not a quarter of what I weighed into in the real world, like with real people. And I try to be the most compassionate guy. And I've worked with young people my whole career, like teenagers and young adults.

Man, nothing surprises me. But the fact that there's a name for this and that you have to say my... I feel like we're in the twilight zone that you and I are having this conversation. But continue, Jill. Continue.

Continue. That's why I'm calling you because I don't know. I'm at a complete loss and I'm shocked. And it is a whole thing and there's a name and there's terminology and there's things that are offensive to them. And it's – anyway. Okay, so ever since this last visit, now my daughter is a Therian also. She identifies as a giraffe, if you're curious.

The other thing is, so my husband and I were looking at the YouTube. I'm laughing with you. I'm laughing with you. No, yes, we're laughing and we need help. And you're crying and drinking heavily. I get it. All of it. Exactly.

I get it. But the it. I get it. Hey, the way you said that, if I knew how to do this on my phone, I would make a ringtone. Just simply said, my daughter's a giraffe, in case you're wondering. It would just be my ringtone because that was legendary. The way you said that, like an exhausted, exasperated,

like, I feel like you feel like how certain politicians, like, executive cabinets feel. After the politician leaves the room and they're just like, I don't, I don't, that guy thinks he's a giraffe. I don't know what to say right now. Like, I don't know what, I don't even know what's reality right now. Okay, so I'll quit interrupting you.

I feel like I'm in the toilet. It's okay. One more thing. Yes, I need one more okay. One more thing. Yes, I need one more thing. One more thing. So my husband and I were like one eye shut cringing looking at the YouTube channel to see what the content is. And there was a video on there that my stepdaughter had made while she was over here at Christmas break with my two young kids in it and we didn't even know about it yeah no no no no no no are okay first of all with this theory and stuff i mean do i let my daughter continue to be a giraffe

but do i let that ride um more importantly what rules do i have in place in my home about the internet and screens and social media and And can I tell my stepdaughter not that her cell phone's not allowed here? And then overall, big picture, what kind of relationship should I have with my stepdaughter since I'm not her bio parent, but so much of her influence is over my house and my daughter, who's absolutely in love with her, adores her. And I'm sure a big reason my daughter is doing this is to gain good favors with stepdaughter sure all right so i geez where do we start here um all right let's just start with number one how old's your daughter my daughter's nine okay

my daughter's eight my daughter puts on princess dresses and picks up her little floofy not really a dog but goes by i mean actually is a dog but it kind of looks like a squirrel that just got huge and then got dropped in a dryer for a while right it's just this poofy little dog my daughter uh will take a her a dress and she'll put like this old elsa dress on get the dog, get some sort of like magic staff and run out into our backfield into the woods. And she has these adventures and whatever. I want to support that and encourage that sort of creativity and adventure and fun and whatever weird world she's fighting dragons in. I want to encourage that all day long. Okay?

When my son, who's heading into high school, comes home one month dressed like a punk rock kid, one month dressed like a country singer, I want to encourage that. Also, in my house, encouragement comes with I get to poke fun at you too. But also, like, I love you, and I know you're trying these things on. That's Adolescent Development 101. That's amazing. That's good. That's awesome. Where it crosses a line is when we go out in public,

my daughter dresses not in her make-believe garb. And I find it strange that I have to say this, and I say it with as much compassion in my heart, but your daughter is not a giraffe. Your stepdaughter's not a fox. And once this behavior heads into high school, heads into college, heads into adulthood, yeah,

now I'm going to ask more questions, okay? But right now, with your nine-year-old, that's the only kid we got in front of us. If your kid wants to dress up like a giraffe and run in the backyard, I don't have an inherent problem with that. Understanding that she's not going to dress like a giraffe when we go out to dinner. She's not going to dress like a giraffe when friends come over. See what I'm saying? Because you don't identify at – like that language is just madness.

It's so strange that we're even having this conversation right i agree we'll never in our 40s you and i will never understand it no i i understand it i mean i've dude i've sat with the scholars who try to walk me through it all it's just it's just i and maybe this is how civilizations collapse as i've been told i just don't give a lot of credence or time because there's real hurting people in the world. This stepdaughter of yours is struggling, hurting. Right? Yeah. And so she needs some direct connection to some stable, secure adults and to some peers.

To answer question number two, I want to answer it fully. No more one-eye cringing in your home. These are two-eyed, wide-open parents. Absolutely not. I don't let, I just feel that a thing at school, the school that my son attends is not allowed to take pictures of him and put them on the internet. Much less a kid. The school at least has some legal standards. I'm not letting some ninth grader or 10th grader put pictures of my child on YouTube or on there. No way. No way. And so, yes, no question about it. That's a firm boundary. When you walk in our house, you don't have a phone, period. You go to your mom's house. I can't do anything about that. That leads me to this. Where is your your husband in all this? Um, I, it seems that he's to a place where,

um, he feels like it doesn't matter what he says to the stepdaughter or her mom. They're going to do what they're going to do. For example, she asked not in his house, right at their house. Sorry. Yeah.

At their house. She's right. She's right. Yeah. They asked nine or six months ago if she could have a YouTube channel. And he said, absolutely not. house right at their house sorry yeah at their house she's right she's right yeah they asked nine or six months ago if she could have a youtube channel and he said absolutely not right and then we find out later that it happened his he you know the theory and stuff you know he struggles with it but his problem is with her live streaming to strangers yes on the youtube channel

that are majority adult males. Oh, I'm sure. This is not a YouTube channel for other kids dressed like animals. That could be hilarious. If there were high school kids dressing like animals, running around and crapping in the woods, that actually would be funny. If it was just to other high school kids. Because high school kids are hilarious when they're just allowed to be fully high school kids.

You throw a phone in there and you put up on the internet, now it's a bunch of grown men. And it goes from, that's high school kids being high school kids to, by the way, don't get me wrong. High school kids aren't just in mass crapping in the woods. I'm just, I'm using as an example, like high school kids do wild things and it's, they think it's hilarious. And occasionally it is. Not occasionally. Sometimes it's real funny. But it's when, my friend Sean Ryan said this the other day.

When you hand a kid a smartphone, you're not giving them access to the world. You're giving the world access to them. And this is a, this is a video channel for grown men. Right. and this is a video channel for grown men. And it sent shivers down my spine that any adult would let their kid do this. But you're right. Your husband can't stop what happens in that house. Someday, someday his daughter will look at him and say,

why didn't you save me? And so if the best y'all can do is to create a track record, when you walk in our house, there is no access to the internet here. We're a little house on the prairie. Because I'm going to hit the pendulum so far to protect you. Your friends are welcome over here. You can have fun. You can whatever, whatever. But we don't have just open unfettered access to the internet here.

Period. And I just don't know why that's such a hard concept to grasp. Because it's going to take one guy offline asking for her private information, and now we're going to be off to the races. Yeah, we've kind of already had some she's not yeah she's not already there right yeah and here's what's happening here's what's happening this young child is getting such incredible positive feedback and all all any all humans but especially teenagers,

as they are changing so fast, I think it, I have to go back and look, man. It's been a while since I looked at my physiology books. I think it's the fastest time of change in their entire life other than when they were first born. It's such a massive change. All of us want to know, do you see me? Do you see all of me? And do you really love me

and when you're changing that fast that question before you even ask it fully um you've changed again and so kids are especially teenagers are incredibly um vulnerable to positive feedback loops and if her mom go ahead go ahead vulnerable to positive feedback loops. And if her mom... Go ahead, go ahead. I mean, my heart breaks for her. This is exactly what she says is she doesn't feel seen or heard by the adults in her life.

You know, she's in therapy and stuff. She just started DBT this month. Yeah. Which is, which is, which is. It's so hard. It's hard for me to be that parent. I know. I know.

DBT is, is, has some miraculous feedback. Like the fact that you just said that really makes me feel at ease. Yeah. If you have a right therapist who's not like, yeah, you know what? You are a fox. If you have somebody who is encouraging this clinically, it's just going to get

more problematic. What your husband needs to know is, and I don't know if you're on as a parent or guardian, but in most states, y'all parents are actually the client, not the kid. What that means is the kid, you have access to all the clinical records. And so you can find out what sort of diagnostics there are. That makes sense. Yeah. Everything that we get is kind of secondhand from the mom. So that's probably a good idea for my husband. I would have your husband call.

Talk to the therapist. He's going to have to have proof. We don't know what we're dealing with. He's going to have to have proof of that he's a parent or guardian and he's going to be able to, what I would say, talk one way, which is I need 30 minutes of your time to talk about my daughter, what I'm experiencing over here. Here's the out-of-control behavior. I'm parent or guardian. I need to know what you're seeing or hearing and or any diagnostics, any medication

you're recommending. He gets access to that. The fact that she's going through DBT means somebody somewhere probably has diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. Is that what she has been diagnosed with? Well, they've said like ODD and... She doesn't have...

Well, I'm not going to say that. I'm not meeting with them. So I have no business saying that. Oh, my gosh. You know, she went through regular therapy for many years, and it's almost kind of like nobody knows what to do with her. And you know what? She's not a bad kid.

No, she's not. She's very respectful. Of course she is. And she helps my kids. And she does the dishes. And there's just something else going on at the other house, maybe. Because the mother just reports her being defiant. For example, she won't go to school, and so her mom put her in hybrid school.

She wouldn't do that, so now she's on online school. Well, guess what? That's not working either. She just wants to stay in her room and YouTube all day. Is there a parade of other men coming through and out of that house? We've always been on high alert for that kind of stuff And there is questionable men in that family But we've questioned her and the mom And have been told that there's nothing like that's going on But there has been like sexually deviant behavior

On my stepdaughter's behalf How old is she? She's 13 jeez yeah i might even consider i might even consider um disclosing that no no i wouldn't consider i would 100 disclose that to the counselor your husband disclosed that to the person she's seen and request a um formal forensic interview and for a formal forensic interview. And for a 13-year-old, a skilled practitioner, it won't quite be play therapy, but they will talk in a way that they can circle up and get a picture of what might have happened in the past

or what's going on. And it may not be sexual. It may not be actual abuse and maybe this kid lives in the therian slash internet slash wild west open world uh on youtube and other platforms and who knows what she has seen and who knows what chats have uh recommended to her or suggested she do on camera, et cetera. Right. Um, you know what, she's been sort of raised on the internet. I, unfortunately, you know, she's like, um, searched like anime porn. Sure. Um, she like what has been caught, um, like in closets with other girls touching, you know.

And some of that is going to shock people. Some of that is, I don't want to say developmentally appropriate, it's developmentally understandable, okay? Like curiosity and experiment, like that doesn't weird me out. What weirds me out is sometimes anime pornography is recommended to a minor as a grooming technique. It's a way to bridge the gap between, hey, you want to meet up at my house with, here's a cartoon, right? Oh, my gosh, this is so gross. Can you believe they're doing that? It's so weird, but it feels good. Wouldn't that be cool to, and that's how it, that's how it starts.

So my wonder, my question would be, was it another 12 year old going, oh my gosh, these cartoons are insane. Or is it that an adult live chat her on one of her YouTube things? That's why I just, I don't, I don't play with it. Any of it, any of it. It's a disaster, right? Yeah. I think at the end of the day, you and your husband have to, A, draw a kingdom around your home. As for us and our house, no phones in the house. No YouTube channel. You cannot take photos of our kids. Or we'll contact YouTube and have your channel shut down.

I don't know if that's possible, but that's what I would say to a 13-year-old. Will there be kicking and screaming and weeping and gnashing of teeth? Of course. She's 13. That's her job is to fight and scratch and claw against the boundaries that parents put up. Especially when she's completely unbounded in another context. Yeah. And what she needs from y'all is, I love the word Becky Kennedy uses.

Dr. Kennedy, she says, sturdiness. She needs sturdy parents who are going to stand there in the storm while the winds rage because those winds are 13 years old. And then the bigger picture is beginning to, you're playing a 10-year game with her you want her to turn around at 26 and be like those two people never stopped fighting for me and they really cared for me that's that's the game that's that's the the where you're playing and how can we keep her safe in the middle and i would call i would be on the phone with that counselor asap depending on the state some states won't, this and that,

they got nonsense legislation, et cetera, et cetera. I think I've talked about it here. Whenever, if I would ever talk to a teenager, because I knew that the parents could call and ask for any of my notes or talk, ask for any, anything, I would always disclose to the parents and the teenager in the room, what do you want to know about first?

And I would tell the teenager, all right, you heard your parents. If you're sexually active, they're going to want to know. So before you tell them you're sexually active, just know I may have to tell them. And I wanted everybody on the same page that way because I'm not going to, I'm not, I didn't want to do any baiting and switching and violate a young person's trust. At the same time, being sexually active at 13 is different than being sexually active at 33, right? And so the safety concerns are different. All that to say is I'd be on the phone with a therapist

and at the end of the day, you are powerless as to what goes on at mom and dad, I mean, at mom's house up into, up into a point. As for your nine-year-old, I mean, I love nine. I love, I don't want to squash the imagination and the wild thinking and the dreaming and the what ifs and the, I'm a giraffe. I don't want to, I don't want to squash that. That's an important part of adolescent development. And she has to have, be anchored in the real world. You're not a giraffe.

Listen, I've told my nine-year-old that I think she's cute. I think it's good exercise. I love the creativity because they home make the masks, but, and I love that she does it for herself and for her own joy. I'm not okay with her posting it for likes and subscribers and for getting validation from outside sources. 1,000%. And without that external validation, filling up that young mind and that young body with I'm loved, I'm loved, I'm loved, I'm loved. Because you and I both know that is a cheap dime store version of what affirmation is. But for many millions of kids who are holding a smartphone, that's all they got.

And those smartphone creators are way better at just backing up a dump truck worth of that affirmation and dumping it into the hearts and minds of these little kids. More so than a parent who's like, take out the trash, right? And so you got all these strangers saying, you're beautiful, you're beautiful. Look at all these likes, look at all these likes. Yeah, I mean, we can't, parents can't compete with that sort of, with that sort of affirmation machinery dumping into our kids. And so, yes, it's scorched earth on that side of it. But most kids, most of the time, absent that affirmation, that constant, that's just dump and dump and dump,

they mature and develop out of it. That's why they call it adolescent development. You grow up, right? You grow up. Right. And so, so good on you i love that you're you're like making masks like doing things going out in the world that's all fun and good it's all fun and good and let's be can i be like this is gonna be controversial i hope it's not but welcome to 2020 um or welcome to the 2020s i went on a long elk hunt a few weeks ago with one of my oldest friends in the world, my brother-in-law, several folks, one of their kids. I got dressed up in the most obnoxiously expensive camo. I had fancy this and fancy that, and my boots were fancy. I kind of fancied myself as an outdoorsman, Jill. I kind of was pretending like I got to go

provide for my family. And I did. I got a giant elk that I ate some of it for breakfast this morning. And I provided for my family. And

I had to drive by a ton of Costco's to get there. Cause it's 20 hours away from my house. You know what I mean? And so the provision is good. My family, we eat wild game probably six nights out of the week. Like that's all good and good,

but there was a little bit of me like kind of pretending, like embodying something else for a long weekend before I have to come back to work and do my day job, which is YouTubing it up. Right. So I think to a large degree, we all kind of do that. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I think it's fun and wonderful and great. I got to play outdoorsman until my body was like, yeah, you're old, bro.

You shouldn't do that like that without some stretching. Right. without some stretching, right? All I have to say is, it's when I get all this affirmation on the outside that I start thinking outside of what is reality. Right. Fair enough? Yeah, I get it. No more one-eye cringe. If I see my daughter,

my young child on another person's YouTube channel, I'll burn everything down in an effort to get her off. Because I'm not turning my daughter loose to the World Wide Web. As long as I can contain it. Right? Sorry. So I'm going to have to do a little bit of backtracking because we're going to have to lay down some rules

with the stepdaughter about the cell phone and that we're not okay with her posting my children on her YouTube channel. I guess that's just a conversation that we sit down. I mean, you guys, all you, all you do is you go first and you say, Hey, um, I messed up. Okay. You and your husband say, we messed this up. We should have stopped this way before. It's 100% on us. And you need to, I want you to experience with me. The rules are changing in real time. I completely blew it. And that's on me.

I messed up. I want you to hear me say, I'm really sorry. And for a kid that can be very disarming and inviting, as opposed to when she walks in the door, like, you get that crap off you. Well, now there's a wall. And in a weird way way you've just handed over control to a 13 year old yeah when you start with an apology i let this thing go on and i should not have then you are firmly taking the reins okay i can do that we can do. But before you sit down and do that, write down your boundaries, write down your new rules of engagement, and expect your daughter to ask her birth mom to go to court for she can have full custody because you're also abusive. You won't let her have X, Y, or Z.

And maybe she's allowed because she's in high school to she can have texting privileges only in the main room and the phone has to stay plugged in. That's how y'all know it never leaves. And the internet has to be, the app has to be deleted off the phone. So she can text. She's not cut off from earth. You're not disconnecting her from humanity.

There's some little workarounds here and there. But be very clear about what your goals are, why you want to do these things, what your boundaries are going to be, write them down, and then open up the conversation and do it over a meal. Like, and say, this is going to be hard,

but you know that we love you and we have one job, that's to keep you safe. I've been telling my kids that the day they were born. I got one job. That's it. That's it.

That's it. I'm sorry, Jill. That's it. That's it. That's it. I'm sorry, Jill. That's tough. It's tough being a step-parent who feels powerless. It's tough being with a husband who's just like, I don't, I just, I'm exhausted.

And I know how hard it is. And you can't quit. You can't quit. And this weird world where they can just, kids are running their own tv shows live and now we're into the therian world where i identify as i mean i don't have words for it it's just madness and so i'm not i'm not gonna even give it a time um at the same time we have a

innovation and imagination crisis in our world. And so I don't want to take imagination and fun and play and building and running around and being giraffes. Knock your lights out, man. I played Johnny Hunter a few weeks ago. That's fine. But you have to stay anchored to the real world. You have to stay anchored to reality. And you have to stay anchored to some sort of decorum.

As a culture, we can't throw out all decorum. Because you get anarchy, you get chaos. So yeah, dude, run around the backyard, be a giraffe, have fun. When you sit down at the dinner table, you have to take your mask off. When you go out to dinner, you can't walk on all fours. You have to stand up. And there may be some dinners you can't go to because your kid won't stand up. Okay. There may be some birthday parties they miss out on.

That's part of parenting. Finding that balance is always going to be hard, especially when the world says, no, no, no, identify as a raccoon. You can do that. What a world. What a world. Thanks for your call, Jill. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people.

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on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both.

Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's going on? Hey, how's it going? Partying. What are you up to? Oh, just, well, I might be playing hooky from work, but no one needs to know that but you.

So is Kelly. What's up? So I'm hoping to get your guidance on how I can explain and help my husband better understand or just understand in general. A recent diagnosis of OCD. Yeah, you know me. Dude, OCD. What are your top two or three tics? And by the way, hold on, hold on.

I just said tics. That's insider baseball. I know some people are going to be like, OCD is not ticks. I know. I have it. So I'm just, you know, know what I'm talking about, Nicole, for all you keyboard warriors. All right, go, Nicole. So what are some of your ticks? So really, it's just like intrusive thoughts, rumination, things like that. Are you postpartum? I had a baby a year ago. Okay. And when you say intrusive thoughts, super, super scary ones to you?

Scary, just overall inappropriate. Yeah. If you are, do me a favor. As we're talking, I want you to put your hand on your chest, right at the top of your chest. And as I ask these questions, I want you to tell me if you start feeling your chest tighten up on you, okay? What if it's already started?

That's the beauty of OCD is your body starts to get anxious about the possibility that you're going to get really super anxious. Are you worried that if you were to write these thoughts down or say them out loud, someone's going to take away your kid? A thousand percent. So it was actually an episode of yours that kind of prompted me to even speak out about them.

I've struggled with them for as long as I can remember. And I just was always too afraid to even bring it up. And so after I listened to your episode, I immediately called my psychiatrist and started talking to them about it. And yeah, that's when they told me. Were you honest with your psychiatrist? Yes. I just want to stop right there and tell you I'm really proud of you because that's scary.

That's the scary step, number one. Good on you. I'm proud of you for that. That's hard. And did your psychiatrist flinch and go, oh my gosh,

and start legal proceedings to take your kid away? No. No. Is it he or she? He. Did he smile at you and go i'm so sorry yes okay hopefully you know that when he did that he was letting you know you're not crazy and you're not alone ah you might be a little crazy but you're not alone you're not you're not alone right crazy. It feels that way, right? Yeah.

Okay. And what was your plan after that? I don't know. I feel like I'm still kind of trying to wrap my head around it myself. Did he give you any therapeutic exercises like get a special journal and write these down? No, not yet. I need to have a follow-up appointment now.

Really, so far he's just adjusted my medication. Okay. What the adjustment of the medication is going to do is it's really going to take that alarm system and just turn it really low so you can go do the things you need to do. Yeah.

The worst, scariest, most awful part of this is these are often things that need to be said in the presence of other people so that they lose their power. Because they're insane. They're absurd, right? Yeah. Have you ever had an impulse to act on them no yeah and then underneath these these wild thoughts and by the way people who are listening like what are you talking about um sometimes these intrusive thoughts can be about um why like just they pop in your head. Sexual thoughts, violence, abandonment. I'm just, they're so insane, they're fantasy.

And then what they quickly get wrapped up in is the shame of what kind of mom thinks that thought or what kind of mom has that thought pop in her head right yeah what kind of what kind of wife would ever think that and then oh god i've got to double down and hide this because if anyone finds this out they're gonna take my baby away i'm gonna lose my husband i'm gonna lose my house i'm gonna lose everything right yeah take a big big big deep breath for me and hold it for a second one two and then let it out for some reason and you and I could probably talk for weeks it's probably better between you and your therapist because I know these are heavy um your brain's trying to keep you safe and trying to play out things so that they never happen.

And it's just, it's gone a little haywire. The alarm systems are just ringing really loud now, kind of sporadically. And there's no smoke in the kitchen. They're just going off. And I know that's terrifying and scary. I'm sorry that's happening. All right. Tell me why you have tears. Tears of

relief that you're not crazy or tears of I hate this and I want to stop? All of the above. Okay. All right. I get that. That was a terrible question I asked you. No, not at all. Well, duh.

How is your husband responding to this? You know, he's great. I love my husband and he has supported me through everything. Last year or so has been a little up and down as I really kind of have dived into my mental health and, and really tried to figure out what's going on. Um, there was some childhood trauma that kind of resurfaced and that's when I was like, okay, I need to, I need to take this seriously and really start talking to people about it and, um, getting help. And so, you know, the more I talk to my therapist and the more open I am, it seems like every time they're like, okay, well, you have this, you have ADHD, now you have OCD. And sometimes I feel like my husband's like, what's going to come up next? But I don't know if he just, if he understands that it's just because it's finally coming out or is he going to think I'm crazy? Honestly, just like my wife, he's a concern, like, how do I love you?

Or I don't want the person I'm with to be hurt. Can I give you a strange example? I've never talked about this one. This is, I'm just going to, so here's what honesty gets you. Honesty is not just telling the story. And by the way, some of the specifics of some of your intrusive thoughts, your husband may never need to know that specificity. But knowing I have these, my brain just like a Polaroid just flashes these scary things, these scary pictures of our baby getting hurt, of me doing something terrible. And I don't want to talk about it.

And of course I've never acted on it or anything like that, but it's just, it's almost like a horror movie. And it's right there. And here's what it makes, here's the important way to communicate. Here's what makes me feel. So here's something I've never talked about on the show um One of my little weird tics is and it's gotten infinitely better as i've worked on getting healthier and healthier over the years

But especially you talked to me 20 years ago 15 years ago Um, it rarely happened. It pops up every once in a while now But only when i'm very very tired and or if I've eaten like shenanigans, if I've just eaten off the rails. Imagine you, well, a song would come on the radio of a band that I really liked and maybe I'd met the singer.

Maybe I saw them back in college in a small place and now they've gotten bigger. When the song came on and then we would get to where, my wife and I would get to where we were going. I needed to wait in the car until that song was over as a way to communicate to those guys, I'm here with you.

And I know that sounds nuts, but if I were to get out and walk out of the car, it felt in my body as though my friend really needed me and I was leaving him on the side of the road. And I knew objectively, that singer in that band has no idea who I am at all, period. It's just a strange thing. I don't know why I did that. I just did. And so the first few years we were married married my wife was just sitting there with me

and i think she was trying to figure it out like was this for real and i would just sing along to the song was no big deal and then was over i would go inside and then um now i would say ham is gonna finish the song and she's like great and she'll she'll go get the seats in the restaurant she'll go like it's just a matter of which things are you going to fight and which things are you not going to fight. See what I'm saying? Yeah. But the communication was, hey, I feel like, and I know this is madhouse, I feel like if I leave the doors unlocked this one night, this will be the night that they come storming our house. And so I'm just going to check a couple times.

I don't even fight it anymore. Now I check my text messages or Instagram while I'm checking the log. Like it's just a thing. It doesn't bother me. And then there's other things that I worked really hard over the last 10, 15, 20 years to, I don't want, I want to stop doing this behavior. And that's great. Intrusive thoughts are one of those things that really impact every other second of your life. And it's worth doing that work. What you have to believe is there is on the back end of this peace and light,

and you're not a terrible person, and you're not going to keep having these things over and over and over if you put the work in. Does that give you peace? Yes. Okay. You're not crazy. I mean, again, kind of.

You know what I mean? But you know what I mean. Yes, yes. And I'm glad that you have a psychiatrist that looks at you and smiles and says, hey, you're not alone. I'm going to do something that I don't normally do, okay? Okay. I am not going to tell you what I think you should do with that I don't normally do. Okay. Okay. I am not going to tell you what I think you should do with those thoughts on this phone call.

I want you to, to discuss that with your counselor. Okay. There is some literature that says getting some of these scary intrusive thoughts out and on paper. So you can look at them and go, Oh my gosh. And your body actually acknowledges not that

right um and then there are some that suggest that um if you write these things down it further entrenches them it makes it more likely that you might go back to so everybody's different and so i think this is something that you need to practice with your counselor. Okay? Okay. And I have secondhand, not firsthand, but secondhand knowledge with somebody that I care about. She's been a ride or die of mine for 25 years. Not my wife, but a close friend. Medication was really, really helpful as a part of the journey.

That's okay. Cool. What a time to be alive that we live in a world where we got science that can help out in this little weird moment, right? was really, really helpful as a part of the journey. I was like, okay, cool. What a time to be alive that we live in a world where we got science that can help out in this little weird moment, right? Yeah. And paying special, close, close, close attention to things like sleep, exercise, asking your husband, can you help with the following?

Here's what I need. And not feeling like all of this is on you. Do you have that sort of support network? Oh yeah, definitely. Okay. Begin making those peripheral things a priority. And then we're going to build

an ecosystem so that when we sit down with a counselor, a counselor can give us some really specific tailored techniques to us that can help. That sound good? Yeah. I do think there's one thing you can do in the affirmative, though, that I don't mind telling you that I think you should do.

Okay? Okay. I want you to get a journal. Do you have one? No. Okay. I want you to either get on Amazon today And buy an obnoxiously expensive one

And your husband's going to be like What? And you're like Yep This is my good mom journal Or just run to Walmart And get one for like eight bucks Whatever it is

I want you to begin to write Every single day Today I was a great mom because Today I was a great mom because. Today I was a great wife because. And I want you to begin to write actual things you did that day. Okay? Okay.

And here's what we're doing. We're teaching our body and reminding ourselves of all the amazing things we're doing. And waking up four times in the night still, that is how you were a great mom today. Making a whole bunch of different foods, food like meals, snacks, or whatever, one-year-olds,

and then also changing a bunch of cha-cha-cha diapers, that makes you a great mom today. When your kid was screaming, the fact that you didn't just go running out into the street, like that made you a great mom today. I want you to begin to write those things down. And as you write them, don't just speed through them. Give yourself a minute to exhale.

I was a great mom today. Baby was crying and I picked him up and held him, held him through the screaming, through the tenseness. And then he or she relaxed and oh man I was a great wife today because that knucklehead came home and there was dinner on the table, etc, etc, etc, okay Let's go get with a counselor asap And lead with I've been diagnosed with a whole bunchAP. And lead with. I've been diagnosed with a whole bunch of stuff.

Here's what's really important for me. I want to work on these wild intrusive thoughts. I've never had an impulse to act on any of them, of course. But some of them are violent or some of them are sexual in nature and they're just wild and I need them to stop. Will you talk through some techniques with me? And that's your entry point. And then you've given your therapist a roadmap as to, hey, here's the problem. Here's what I'm struggling with.

And that roadmap, you listen to the show. It may go all over the place, but at least y'all have a thing you're going to work on together moving forward. I'm proud of you, kid. I'm proud of you. If you haven't heard it today, you're a great mom.

That little one's lucky to have you. So is that knee-headed husband of yours, too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt

because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist.

And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Janelle in Idaho. What's up, Janelle? Hello, hello. Hello, hello. What's up with you? Oh, you know, we have sunshine, so I am stoked.

Oh, that sounds amazing. We do not. It's another gray Nashville day today. What's up? The first one in a long time. You want me to go ahead and just read what I have? Yes. One dive in. Or cannonball, if it's that kind of call. We'll see. Over the years, I've been told by friends and colleagues that when we first met and for the first part of our relationship, that they thought that I disliked them. And I've received feedback from mentors and others that I've worked with that I appear unapproachable a lot of the time. I have done a lot of work to kind of figure out what this

came from. And I realized that it was insecurity when I was a teenager and so forth, but now it's habituated. And even though I'm aware of it, I have really struggled to break the habit of just withdrawing into myself or having a really closed-off demeanor. And I don't know how to break the habit. Oh, I love this. I've habituated. You're so cool. That's so cool. So happened uh when you're younger um i was in a lot of environments that were highly competitive um and so there was a lot of the the kind of thought process you can't be too much of something or not enough of another um and so i think that my way of sort of making a self-fulfilling prophecy was to just make sure nobody could get to me.

And so if I was the one in control of that, then that was a lot safer than just being at risk. And congratulations, you got what you wanted. Exactly. Here I am. That's the worst, man. Well, good on you for figuring that out. So give me a couple of examples of ways that you,

of things you want to change. It has to be very solutions focused. Like what are like a couple of things that you're like, that you want to be different. So for example, I realized that I had gone about a year without really meeting anybody new at my workplace. And I work with a company that has like a few thousand people in our area. And so there's no reason why I shouldn't be meeting new people. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Says who? Well, my position and my job is to be making connections and to be providing solutions to people. Is that the right job for you?

It is. I love it. It's just once I get over that part. You just hate the connection part? The connection part. Yeah, it's hard. I have to kind of psych myself into being like, okay, you can be open in this part. Okay.

So I love it. Off the call, I want you to be honest with yourself. Is this the right job for me? Here's what I mean. At my last job, I knew budgets. I've done millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars with the budgets. I don't love it. It's part of the job.

And I found the higher I went in certain institutions, they were very budget heavy. In my last university, they let me hire a budget person. And so I was ultimately responsible, but I had somebody who loved budgets. If you're in a job

that everyone's telling you, you should be, you should be, you you, you should be, you should be, you know, you should be, and your body is saying, I don't love that. I want you to be honest about that. Even if it pays well, even if it's got a lot of prestige, even if there's not a lot of jobs in Idaho that are as cool

as this one, if it's killing you, it's killing you. Right. Fair? Yeah. Yeah. And I think once I get past that, then that's the point that's the thing you might not get you might not get past it yeah that's true yeah i had to hire a senior accounting student to sneak into my office on wednesdays and teach me how to use excel because i turned in a residence hall performer on a word document, promise you I had Comic Sans in it, and I handed it to the president, and he looked at it and said,

what is this? And I remember wanting to crawl under the table. Because it was what it, I mean, I basically wrote it in crayon and handed it to him, right? And so I didn't know what to do. And so one guy's like, dude, do you have this in an Excel sheet somewhere? And I was like, what is Excel? And so I had to hire a kid.

So I ended up loving the start the process but i always that just wasn't my thing i didn't like it right once i like you said once i got into it and it all worked out it was fine but the lead up to it the worry about all that to say all right so let's pretend everyone telling you that you should be doing a thing they're right and you're the one that's wrong okay which i don't i don't think they are. But okay, so let's pretend. So you aren't super outgoing. You don't just set up a meeting like once a week,

I'm going to do coffee with rando number five instead of mambo number five. Rando number five, I'm going to set up a coffee meeting and we're going to go just meet for 30 minutes down in the lobby. I do. Okay. And so it's the once I get to know them part, um, and it's like, I will have really positive impressions of people and feelings about people, but that's not the impression that they get that I have about them. Um, I had somebody

that I've known for years who the other day, she was introducing me to one of her friends and she said something to the effect of, I thought she didn't like her. She didn't like me for the first two months I knew her. And I was completely taken aback because that's not how I felt at all. But it's not, I don't extend the warmth and positive feelings that I have about people and in my demeanor. And so even if I'm in my perception, having something positive with a colleague or somebody that I'm trying to work with, that doesn't come across. And that's the part that I don't quite know how to.

Is it physical? Like you crush your arms, you throw your brow. I think so. Or do you talk too much or do you not respond to people say like cool things and you just go um some of that it it feels similar to um when i guess when i dissociate so i i just feel myself kind of disconnecting from the present. And then I just get really like in my head, even if it's not negative about the interaction or the situation, I just withdraw. And then it's all in my head. And then I'm not like physically engaged in the conversation. Yeah.

And then people can tell when someone's left the meeting. Yeah. I actually, whenever I'm going to do a new talk to a large group of people i'll do a table read i'll get a group of people around a table and i'll read it and i just watch and you can feel them when they check out like oh this section's too nerdy because they just left me totally get that uh okay here's one of these things no two of these things may be the most cheesy thing I've ever said on this podcast. And I do them regularly. I hesitate to say them out loud. And hopefully the social media person who clips parts of this show and puts it on social media will not put this clip out because it will just sound weird.

But these are two things that I do on a regular basis that i did learn from a counselor okay and the third thing is something that i have haven't had to do but i think it would be worth trying okay sure and i'll give you a fourth uh okay ready here's three uh here's four tips on how to not be you anymore, Janelle. Which I still think is worth exploring, but we're going to run out of time. So number one, when you meet somebody new or you're going to meet an old friend, as you're walking past people in the mall, in the going to blockbuster to rent a vhs tape, right? Because it's 30 years ago Um, whatever you happen to find yourself. I was doing this in the airport the other day I was walking down and I was looking at strangers

Not in a creepy way But in my mind I was thinking I love this person I love this person I love this person. I love this person. I love this guy. Complete and total strangers flying by me on their way to wherever they're going across the world. What I was practicing was seeing people and saying to myself, letting it pulse through my body, I love that guy. I love her. An old, old woman on a walker. I love that person.

A young mom with a stroller and a kid with snot. I love that person. And it was just a, it was a routine practice. And when I do that in an airport, I just walk through the whole airport with my shoulders down, right? It's a way of almost. Of entering into a space. Instead of trying to.

Not be present in it. And by the way. It's exhausting for me. When I got to the other end of the airport. When I got to my gate. I was wore out. But here's what I was having to do. I was teaching my body.

To see each individual person. Not just a blur of activity. But it does bring your whole body down. So I'm headed to my office, my boss's office. I love this guy. Even if you're like, oh, this is going to be a fight. I love this guy. I love this woman.

Okay, that's number one. Number two, oh, geez, I'm going to get lit up like a Christmas tree for this one. But it works. You ever seen Care Bears? Yes. Back in the day, you remember when they, like, their thing from their chest and they, like, shot love at people or whatever? Yes. I want you to sit across the table when you're having coffee with a new person and imagine that your hearts are connected across the table in that way and it's i understand you're going i can't believe i called this idiot this guy

is such a moron um it's an old it's an old counseling technique that i learned on how to stay present with somebody when they're really hard to stay present with and or if you're like me and you're easily distracted um by imagining our hearts are tethered right now across the room or across the table i have to it forces me to stay present with you and to energetically stay in this conversation and it's not romantic it's not sexual in any shape form or fashion it's just connective tissue right whenever i'm sitting down to talk to somebody who's about to lose a loved one and it's not romantic. It's not sexual in any shape, form or fashion. It's just connective tissue. Right. Whenever I'm sitting down to talk to somebody who's about to lose a loved one, it's just a practice that I have. And it just makes me go, it drops my shoulders and I stay connected to somebody. Even if I have to, if I'm, you know, in my old days and I was having to fire

somebody, it lets me stay plugged in. Okay. Number three, I want you to have a person in mind that you want to act like being, and I want you to go act like that person. Okay. If there is, um, where, where this can bury you is if you just keep, if you don't have a model for what you're trying to look like, if people have just told you, man, I really thought you didn't like me. Well, you're getting that finish line will always move. You'll never be likable enough because you don't know what you're aiming at. You're just aiming at not being you.

So have a woman at work that you think just does all this great. That everyone walks away and they're like, man, she did. And I want you just to pretend you're her. Not like really her. Right. Not weird. But like really her. Right. Not weird. But watch your actions. Okay.

And you might want to throw up in your mouth. Oh, my gosh. That laugh isn't real. That's not real. Oh, my gosh. Did she just touch that woman on the elbow? Like, oh, jeez. I'm not doing it.

She hugged that person. Watch and see what are the things that are actually happening that make that connective tissue possible and then you be really cognizant in your body when she touches somebody's elbow and you want to vomit ask yourself like why is that setting off my body's protection system

right and that's where the magic is James Clear says you have to make, you have to lower the friction. What are some tiny little steps I can do that are repeatable? Okay, if it is just inch closer, cool. If it is just to whisper to myself, I love this person. I love this person.

And use their name if you can. Great. If it is, I'm going to lean across the table and pretend that our hearts, that my heart is shooting a laser Into their heart and they're connected like ghostbusters cool I'm going to do these small little things. Oh, it's touching the center of the table It's smiling with my eyes and not my mouth right little tiny things But I want you to be observant and then really be honest about what are the things that I want to do specifically, not just this essence of.

Right? And here's the last one. After you meet somebody, go back to your desk and write them a quick thank you note, not an email, and send it to them. It was awesome having coffee with you. It was awesome meeting you today. You made my whole day better you're my favorite person i talked to today and i've got my kids right like whatever it is but it's going to cause you to go back and to reflect on that person find a thing that you enjoyed and it's going to center itself in you it's not just going to be a your body's not going

to go i survived an interaction and then swipe it off the table. Cause I think that's what your body does. Right. Pretty much. Yeah. I survived. I didn't say anything stupid. Let me do the replay, which is anxiety. Let me do the replay. I'm going to go through it. I'm going to go through it. I'm going to go through it. If I did say something stupid, now I got to ruminate on it for the next three weeks because I said something stupid. I can't believe that. I can't believe that. I can't believe that. And then we're going to be gear up just enough to survive the next encounter. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm going to be like Janet. Janet smiles a lot. She leans close. That's so weird, but okay. I'm going to think to myself, I love that guy. I'm going to connect our hearts with a, geez, a Care Bear laser. And I'm gonna connect our hearts with a Geez a Care Bear laser

and I'm gonna write Janet. I'm not Jan. I'm gonna write Steve a note and say hey, man It was great getting to meet with you. Thank you for your time It's the best note. It's the best meeting I had all day We're just gonna in what here's what we're gonna do we're gonna practice we're gonna practice we're gonna practice we're gonna practice We're gonna practice those things It's gonna take a while and then going to practice. We're going to practice. We're going to practice those things. It's going to take a while. And then because you're going to be new, cool, hip Janelle, instead of old,

fuddy-duddy Janelle, which I think Janelle, old Janelle is probably great. Ask. All right. Hey, we've known each other for a month. When you first met me, did you think I didn't like you? Just ask. That's a funny way to put on the table to be like, yeah, actually, I thought you're kind of mad at me. Or they might say no. And then, you know, yes, my practice is working. I'm the Kobe Bryant of changing my facial expressions. The goat. As the kids say. Good call, Janelle.

You're awesome. I'm really grateful to have gotten to talk to you. Try those things. Let me know if they work in a few weeks. And hopefully you're meeting people, and they're all going home to their friends and family. I met Janelle, and she's so lovely and delightful and wonderful. I wish people would say that about me, Kelly.

When we come back, am I the problem? And a quick plea to please fill out my survey. Stay with me. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Listen, it's really important to me that you get the question answered that you want on this show, that you like what you're listening to, that you are a part of this thing, and more importantly, you're a part of where it's going. Text SURVEY, S-U-R-V-E-Y to 33789. SURVEY to 33789. Or click the link in the show notes if you're listening on podcast or YouTube. You can enter to win a $100 gift card, but most of you won't win that gift card. The real thing is you're contributing to helping out your neighbor, helping out your kids, helping out yourself, helping out your partner, whatever you got going on, text survey to three, three, seven, eight, nine. Let us know what you like about the show, what you don't like about

the show and where you want to see it go. All right. So Kelly, um, am I the problem? Go for it. All right. This is from a couple. This is from Chris and Michelle in some city that I can't pronounce, Missouri. Awesome. All right. They hunt in Missouri. I just saw your camo jacket, and I was just thinking hunting. Every time I wear this jacket.

Bling bling. You do the, I can't see you, so just want people to know that. Every time I come around the city, bling bling. All right, here we go. Anyway. Pinky ring cost about 50, bling, bling. Go for it. So people, when you're filling out that survey.

Every time I buy a new ride, bling, bling. Go for it. Are we the problem? Our daughter went for a fun day of wedding dress shopping with friends, knowing that she was supposed to go shopping with her mom to actually buy the dress. You know, big mother-daughter thing. She bought the dress that day with her friends rather than waiting to go with her mom.

I love family drama. And then she didn't even have enough money to pay for it, so she borrowed the other half from her sister. She doesn't see it as a big deal, but mom feels cheated. The parents said they would purchase the dress, but instead she went off brushed off

and bought it herself. Dad feels guilty and thinks that they should go ahead and just pay for the dress but mom is really hurt. Are we the problem? What should we do?

I don't know. What do you think? I mean, you know, it's, it's, the genie's out of the bottle. What's done is done

but I totally understand why she feels hurt, the mom. Yeah, I do too. Because that's a big deal. It is. But I guarantee you the daughter wasn't thinking that way. She probably didn't do it on purpose. Hold on.

It was just... That doesn't happen in a vacuum. I don't think. You think like she accidentally just went dress shopping with her friends and was like, oh my gosh, let's just do it. No, because she said she... The mom knew they were going dress shopping. Uh-huh.

But I think she found the one. And she was like, I'm just going to go ahead and get it. Because to her, she found her dress. And she's just not thinking of the fact that this was a huge deal for mom. Yeah, but it's her wedding. Yeah. I mean, it's her wedding, but she bought it. But I think

probably the question now is, do they have to pay for it? They don't have to do anything No, but I think dad's right Just go ahead and pay for the dress I would And There has to be something else here Because culturally speaking

It is a very mother-daughter thing And so for you to go without your mother Or without your mother-in-law Like you're I feel like you're intentionally excluding them I don't think so. No? No, because I can see,

and I probably did this a million years ago. I may have sent this question in. Well, no, but just, oh, my friends and I are just going to go look because it's fun to look. When you're a bride, going wedding dress shopping is so much fun. And she may not have thought she'd find the one.

It might have been just like, oh, we're going to go. Now, what she should have done is said, I'm going to bring my mom back. Like, hold this dress for me. what she should have done is said, I'm going to bring my mom back. Like hold this dress for me. I'm going to put a deposit down. I want to bring my mom back. I can't wait for her to see this.

But she didn't. And here we are. Here we are. So I think it's fair for mom to say, I really had it in my mind and heart that we're going to do this together. This is boo-hoo. And hopefully daughter has said, dude, super bad form on my part. Sorry. So could we go buy your accessories or your whatever?

Can we make a big deal of that? So daughter, if you're listening, invite your mom to go do something. Like something rad. And yeah, if it was my kid, I would just pay for the dress. If I was going to pay for it anyway and I had the money right here, I would just do it. I don't want to walk into this sacred of, I don't want to send my daughter off. I'm not sending her off. She's not mine, but I don't, I don't want this big, cool transition in life to happen with smoke in the air. And I'm going to be the parent and I'm going to be the adult, even though she's an adult too.

Unless there's just some disfactor here. I don't know. I just don't know how you accidentally forget your mom. But I've never been wedding dress shopping. So. And you said genie in the bottle. So I'm going to be singing that song all day. So kudos to that one, Kelly. Who doesn't love a little Christina Aguilera? Come on.

I'm going to tell you that a joke just came to mind that I'm not going to say. And I want you to know, contrary to what some people are going to put in the survey, I'm getting more mature by the day. Very proud of you. More and more and more. All right. Hey, thanks, everybody, for listening. We will catch you soon.

Stay in school, don't do drugs, and be kind to each other. Take care.