The Dr. John Delony Show - My Supervisor Hit on Me

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

In today’s show, we’re talking to a nurse practitioner whose supervisor hit on her, an overwhelmed mom struggling with guilt after accidentally burning their family’s home down, and a mom afraid her daughter is ruining her life by becoming a stripper.  Lyrics of the Day: "Don't Stand So Close To Me" - The Police Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My last clinical, which is like an internship, was with this really great psychiatrist, finished clinical. A couple days later, he sends me this long-winded message about how he has feelings for me, which I do not have for him. I'm so sorry that you got put in this position.

I'm kind of angry about it. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So glad that you're with us. Hope you're doing well. If your family's doing well, the show we talk about mental health relationship. This is the best mental health show ever, as declared by me and my 12-year-old. And my 6-year-old does not agree, but my 12-year-old does. Hey, the other day, I was showing my son something on the internets, and he saw me, my own show, in the feed.

So we looked at the comments together. I thought that would be a good exercise for him. It wasn't. But somebody said my pre-call banter is cringy. You're right. It's so cringy. Everyone in the booth is like, yeah, it's for sure cringy. So I'm sorry. I think I'm cringy. That's what my wife says. All right, let's go to Renee in Waynesboro. Renee. What's up, Renee? Hi. How are you?

Hi, Dr. John. How are we doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm just, we're figuring it out, having fun. You doing well? Yes. Sorry, I got a little bit of a throat thing going on. Hey, no problem.

So what's up? How can I help? So, I'm doing great. I graduated last week, and I'm looking for a new job. What did you graduate in? I'll be a psychiatric nurse practitioner once I take my board. Congratulations. You're a real professional.

That's fantastic. Thank you. That's so great. Good for you. Thank you. My last clinical, which is like an internship, was with this really great psychiatrist, which is where my question comes in. Everything was going great. Finished clinical. A couple days later, he sends me this long-winded message about how he has feelings for me, which I do not have for him.

So my question is, like, if I feel pretty okay with it, can I go ahead and still take a job I have an interview at the end of the month At the same clinic It's not his clinic but he works there Oh gosh Talk about cringy So um Yeah

So I've got so many feelings Before we go forward I just have to say I'm so sorry that you got put in this position Yeah, I was kind of I'm kind of angry about it Hey, listen

Be super angry about it Be furious about it Because I'm pissed On behalf of That's a If you haven't had a clinical rotation supervisor like you have i had one those relationships are i wish was a better word they're very intimate right because people are walking you through like you're helping people you lose people you get scared you have

hard conversations what do you feel like those are deep relationships and so when somebody's a clinical supervisor, they have to be so above board understanding the power hierarchy there and understanding the sword they wield over their... I'm just sick, man. I'm so sorry. That's wrong at every level across

everything. So how did this come about? Just out of the blue sends you this long message? Well, so everything you just said, right? And then we did get close. I thought we're good friends. He was a great mentor. I felt really good about everything.

He's so intelligent. To the point he sort of, to me, kind of teeters that line. He's eccentric. He's very eccentric. And I think, I don't want to presume to tell someone how they feel, but I think he just got a little confused because I consider myself very nonjudgmental. So when he says, like, shares weird things about his experiences or the way he thinks, I'm like, oh, okay, well, tell me more. You know, that's why I'm in this profession. I think it's interesting. I don't care if you're a little bit odd, you know?

And so maybe that friendliness or that openness came across in a way that he misread. Well, I'm so sorry. And I know this is your experience. I got to stop you. Is that okay? Yeah, not my fault. I want you to own zero I know this is your experience. I got to stop you. Is that okay? Yeah. Not my fault. I want you to own zero of this. Right, yeah.

If you were flirty and you were like, man, you and me, when this rotation's over, we are going to burn the city to the ground. Like, if that had been you, it's his job. Oh, you're saying no way, no way. No, no, no. Well, and so, like I say, I was nice to him, and that's about the only thing I can think that maybe he misconstrued. And I should mention, he's also 20-some, maybe 24, 5 years older than me, and I'm married to a female, which we talked about. So there is no dumb and dumber. So you're telling me there's a chance, right? There's not even, right? So listen, to go back, if you had been trying as his clinical subordinate, as one of his students, if you will, to hook up with him. He has an ethical obligation to no longer be your supervisor

and to bring that to some sort of board of ethics. And so often there's hard conversations about like when people get relationship stuff and mixed signals, and I've been in enough sexual assault investigations over my career that some of those are very clear. Some of those are very, very messy. That's just the truth. This is not, and here's because of

the power hierarchy, he is the clinical supervisor. And so if somebody was to come on to him in a predator, if you were bananas as a predator, it's his job to create the space backwards and to call in your ethics and in your uh character and fitness not to be like oh really maybe you know what i mean it's just the whole thing's gross and i hate this for you because here's why there really is not a non-messy way forward for you yeah and hate that. How old are you? 35. Okay. So you've, I mean, you're not 23. And so you know this, but I'm just going to spell it out. Is that okay? Yeah. You're either going to pretend this never happened and it's going to eat your soul. The rage, the anger will get loud, right? Or, um, you're going to apply for this job

and you're going to get it and you're going to see this dude and you're going to try to be like, ah, sounds cool. And I may be overstating this, but I don't think I am. You would be the one to finally, to speak to this,

but that same fight or flight reflex that's supposed to trigger when there's a bear at the door, we'll understand that every time you pull into that parking lot, there's that bear there that is potentially going to use his power and influence and superiority as a supervising physician to put me in a position that I want to be in. Right.

Or you decide to burn his career to the ground, which it should be. And that may be too strong of a statement. I don't, I'm just so grossed out by this. And so I'm sweeping statements here. You're going to burn his, his, his situation down, his career down. And then you're going to be that person in the office. You know what I'm saying? There's just not a messy way forward. And I hate that for you.

I do too. Well, there's a few other things. So but wait, there's more. I'm trying to rationalize because there's just not many jobs where I'm at and I do want to work. So here's my rationalization. Tell me if it's crazy. So he worked part-time there and part-time a different place. And the part-time at this clinic is two different locations. So the one location that I would be at is only there once a week. Now, if I go full-time, I can do four days a week. So maybe I could just avoid them. Oh my gosh. This is...

I'm sure I would still... No, no, no. You're a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I know. You're on the other end of this... Just listen to the words you're saying psychiatric nurse practitioner. I know. You're on the other end of this. Just listen to the words you're saying. I know. You will be on the other end of this interview with a countless number of patients and the clients in the future. And you'll hear yourself. Maybe if I just don't wear this particular thing on this day, then he won't be tempted to, or maybe if I, you hear what's happening here? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. And it happens to the best of us. I've been there too. Where you start back, well, maybe if I just, dude, I'm so sick for you. So here's my six foot two white male, male, 200-pound guy, okay? I walk in and full of bluster and Texas ego, and I sit down with the HR director and say, I'm a finalist for this position, and I'm going to print out all those texts and say,

and this just happened, and I really want this job, and I deserve this job, And my record that y'all have on file suggests that I'm qualified for this job, but I can't be here because this guy is a predator. Because here's what my experience working as an administrator and like with my experience as an administrator with law students and a similar character in fitness thing is if this were to be made known, my guess is you're not the first. I know that's sad. That's strange too. This is probably a pattern of behavior. If this person's, what, 50, 60, right?

58. And they've spent their career mentoring young students. I wouldn't surprise me if this is not. Maybe you are the angel snowflake unicorn that came from heaven just to be in his rotation. But my guess is this is a pattern of behavior. But I can't tell you that's the right path. Right.

Because they can also say you're not hired and then you're going to have a lawsuit and you'll probably actually win it. But the question would be for what, right? Right. Yeah. And so let me ask you this. This guy needs to have his license taken away at least or at least not be allowed to work with students anymore. Okay.

My thought is usually once unethical in one area, they're unethical across the board. But I feel pretty strongly about this. And for people listening and you're like, dude, chill out. He just asked a girl out that he was working. You got to just trust me. And I can hear it in your voice, Renee,, the relationship between a supervisor and their practicum students is so intimate and it's so heavy and it's so power laden, right? Because any moment he could have written, she's not meeting standard or does not have good bedside manner. And it's hard to quantify

those things and you're just out on your ear, right? So the fact that somebody's preying on you and you're rather vulnerable in that relationship it just grosses me out man he's got to be better than that so where do you want to be when this is over my clinical he did wait till i finished i'll give him that oh how sweet i do thank you for defending him he does know that i was i had an interview there later this month. It's been two weeks. So I do have an interview there. He knew that. So it's still kind of, yeah. So what, you're, I mean, clearly you're brilliant.

Where do you want to be? What do you want to do? Well, that's kind of why I wanted to go there, because they're offering me the opportunity to work from kids, adults, elderly, developmental, delay, intellectual, like across the board is where I would have experience that I could see, you know, what I want to do, where I want to focus. So I was looking forward to that because the only other jobs around here, um, are pretty much telehealth, which is hard to do as a new provider. Yeah, that's the worst. Yeah, you're 100% right.

Let me ask you a hard question. Yes. Who do you want to be when this is over? Oh, well, I mean, professionally, I really want to be a really great practitioner, like I want I really want to dig into my career and I just want to, I don't really want to put him under professionally unless it were to continue to be a problem

or something, you know he put himself under as far as I'm concerned but I also get your sentiment that's why in these kind of situations I gotta be careful because I have a particular disdain for some of this that not everybody shares. And I'm not in the middle of that situation. The other side of it is,

let me take a more graceful approach. Put you know him better than I do. Say you walk in and say, hey, I got your message, dude. We can't have this. Right? Is that a possibility? It was a message, a text message,

and I said, I respect you as a professional colleague and it'll never be anything else. And I haven't heard anything else. So, I mean mean I did put I was very direct and that's been the end of it so far so I haven't seen them yet so

has this happened to you before? unwanted advances but you asked that so like yes I'm a woman in America thank you you idiot I mean not that as much as

the power differential no well no I take that back yes once I had a nursing supervisor who I was working with and that was also very inappropriate. He was also much older, and I basically did the same thing.

I just shut it down. Okay. Yeah. So when I ask you who do you want to be at the end of this, here's what I'm getting at. Some people can be comfortable. I didn't want to say that. I guess I just need to say I'm sorry this happened to you. Now you're in a funky position. I'm very uncomfortable with unwanted

male attention, if that's what you mean. It makes me very uncomfortable. Yes. And you layer on top of that a significant power, right? Because this is a supervising physician. So six months from now, you're working there and you write a report and he tries again and you say no. And he writes, this person is not doing what they're supposed to be doing. That becomes part of your file, right? Right. And so that's what I don't like the end of where this can go. Because even if you take this job as an NP, you're still, quote unquote, under his supervisory authority. Correct?

Yeah, and I think I would. There is one other doctor there, but he's not there very often at all. But I don't know if he could be my collaborator or not. And for the listener, let's make this even more complicated. Psychiatrists are hard to come by. Very. And so it's not like the hospital is going to be like, shoot, get that guy out of here. We got a new guy here on Monday.

They would say, hey, we have to do the right thing and get rid of this person. Oh, and by the way, there's nobody else to fill that spot. Right. What a mess. It's got like a two-year waiting list to see it. Like he's very highly regarded. They're not, I don't, they're not gonna.

I shouldn't say that. I haven't talked to anybody about it, but. So let me ask you this. What are you gonna do? Oh no. That's why I called you Dr. Jones. Oh man.

I'm leaning towards just, you're not gonna like this. I, leaning towards just, you're not going to like this. I'm leaning towards just doing it. But, um, I don't, I don't know that that's the best decision. I'm just kind of between a rock and hard. So, so let me give you some peace here. What I'm going to like is the decision that you choose. You're grown up and you're brilliant.

Okay. Um, I will ask you to do a couple of things. Yeah. Number one, keep a printed record of every single thing. Every text message, every response, every email, all those things. Okay. If for some reason you go in and don't get this job, I think you have every reason to believe it's because you shunned his advances.

And at that point, if I'm you, if you're my sister, you're my daughter, I'm telling you, um, you've got to go make your concerns heard. If, yeah, I can't tell you to go burn it down just because there's so many variables to that situation. I just want you to do this. Follow your gut

because you're smart. Make sure you've got somebody that you're talking to as you walk into this, okay? Yeah. And please, please,

please don't bury who you are and your value and your worth for a job. Okay? Right. You promise me that? Yeah, I do. Okay. I promise you that.

You're right. Man, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish there was a, it's one of those calls. I wish there was like some great like, and then, and then, yeah, this is going to be a mess. Because again, I can talk about this all day.

I keep thinking you're going to bring these forward and he's going to have five things and he's like, no, she said this and then she did this. And like, I keep going back to Dumb and Dumber. And then she touched my leg. And then there's like a thing and then a thing. And then it's going to end

in some HR stalemate and there's going to be a letter in his file that's going to be like, we... And then you've got an awkward work situation and this just goes on

and on and on. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are in a position of power over somebody, if you take a employment position over somebody

or a leadership position over somebody as an employee, if you take a supervisory relationship over somebody as a student or whatever, you are making the choice that we will never be romantically engaged, particularly if they're going to come back and work for me. Wow, what a mess. I'm so sorry, Renee.

Do this. Let me know how it goes. Let me know when you get the job. Let me know how the conversation goes and let me know what your next steps are. I don't know. Let me think about this one. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst.

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All right, we are back. Let's go to Octavia in Los Angeles. What's up, Octavia? How are you? I am rocking on till the break of dawn. How are you? I cannot complain. Yes, you can. You'd be like the rest of everybody.

But I'm happy that you're not. So good. So what's up? Well, I just wanted to get a little bit of advice. Life just kind of went crazy. And, um, you know, I just want to see where you'll be able to help me at and see if maybe you can give me some cool advice

on moving forward out of this crazy situation. All right, let's do it. I'm down some cool advice. All right. So back, I would say, in May, I had a landlord who wanted to wrongfully evict me stating that someone else lived in my unit who did it. And so we went through this whole eviction process

where I had to combat the eviction. And in the midst of there, my step was locked into the unit. So on June 23rd, some kids got into the unit playing and burnt my house down. Wait, what? Yeah.

Okay, hold on. Hold on. So were you behind on rent? No. So he stated that someone lived into the unit that didn't live in the unit. Oh, so did you have somebody over there a lot, like a friend or something, and he wanted to charge that person rent? No, that's the thing.

I had to go through this whole thing to prove to him that no one lived there, and I did. And he stated that he was going to go and clear the eviction with the courts or however, and he never did. So all of a sudden, I get this letter that states that I have to leave out by within the next three days. And from my knowledge, everything was cleared between the gentleman and I. And, um, long story short, he lied. And so we went to court, he lied in court. And, um, yeah, that's how come it went up to where I had to actually dispute it. Did you win the dispute? So in the midst of trying to do the dispute is when the house burned down.

So there's nothing to dispute anymore, you know? Who burned it? There still is actually, but who burned it down? Your nephews? No, it was actually some people that lived in the complex. And it's documented and everything. The fire marshals came, the boy went to jail, and everything was set in stone in that aspect of knowing who did it. But the thing is, it's been very hard for me to find a lawyer since then that would take this case for, I was advised that it's for negligence because on paper,

the young gentleman who burnt the house down did state that all they did was slide the window open. So that means when the landlord and the constable went to quote unquote, evict me, they were supposed to lock up the unit and they didn't because the little kids said we slid the window open and that's how we got into the unit. So the boy got in trouble but i still need help with um you know the situation with the landlord for negligence and on top of that negligence in my experience is a very

high legal standard to meet it's hard um you've gotta i say that, it's got to be very clear. Let me put it that way. There's a hole in the sidewalk and you step in it and break your leg. It's got to be very, very clear. What you're describing to me, just on his face, I'm no attorney and so I can't give you legal advice. That sounds like a standard that will be nearly impossible to meet. Did you have renter's insurance? So at the time, I didn't. I just learned that I had canceled my renter's insurance when the eviction process started. I was advised that I have a really amazing case because everything's Oh, man. So how can I help you? So I have the chief of the fire department stuff. I have all the paperwork from the police department. So how can I help you? So going through all of that obviously made me and my children homeless.

And I have a 10-year-old and a 6-year-old. And after June 23rd, when the house burned down, October 20th, my daughter's dad passed away. Oh, my gosh. So that put me in a really hard financial bind. I don't know any, like, no one in my family has ever financially made it anywhere. Okay, so hold on. If you have a place that you're staying and it burns down, like if you're in a hotel or if you're in an apartment, part of your lease states that they have to find an alternative place for you to live.

They did not do that. I know, but what I'm saying is that you need to go to them and say, hey, per my lease, you've got to provide me another place. And I've had people whose apartments got you on fire, and they just live in a hotel for a while and the apartment complex has to pay that. Or if something, they've got to provide you a place to be. I was not aware of that. Me and my kids moved pretty much to a homeless shelter.

Okay. I would circle back. And here's the other thing. Do you have the money to pay rent? I mean, are you working now? I am working now, but it's part time. So I have saved up money and I was just trying to go through this program to try to the road, try to get me into like a place or something. And I have been going through this program pretty much since my place burnt down.

Okay. And I know that, you know, I've just been trying to look into different things. You know, I'm definitely into owning my own business. Obviously, I can't really do that in this situation. Yeah, yeah. Not having my own place, you know. What you need right now more than anything else is, like, you've been through a lot. Yeah.

And my guess is, how old are your little ones? 10 and 6. Okay, mine are 12 and 6, okay? And is dad around at all or no? He passed. Oh, that's right, you told me that. Just recently, yeah. I'm so sorry.

So I'm, like, literally by myself. Yeah, that's right. You told me that. Just recently. I'm so sorry. So I'm like literally by myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I left that state because it all happened in Las Vegas. That's kind of what brought me here. But you... To go through this program. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's take a second.

Like the worst of the worst of the worst has happened to you and you're running and running and running okay so i need you to hear me say this really clearly when traumatic things happen our body our brains roll back into a very primitive state, which is one of survival, one of fighting or fleeing or hiding. Okay. And when our brain is stressed like that, we make very immediate decisions to try to get to the next second. And that's often what traps people in cycles that are very hard to get out of. Okay? And so what I want you to do for just a second, can you take a really deep breath for me? As deep as you can and just hold it. Hold it.

Hold on, blow it out. That wasn't even deep enough. Do you vape? No. Good. You can breathe deeper than that then. Give it a shot. Breathe deep.

Hold it. Give it a shot. Breathe deep. Hold it. Let it out. And I want you to drop your shoulders. I want you to pull them down. Okay? Okay. What was your child's father's name? Charles.

Was he your husband? Just long-term partner? Yes. Okay. So, Charles is gone. And your home is gone. And I know you're running around trying to superglue and duct tape and take some string and some fishing line

and try to hold your kid's life together and your life together, but the path forward is sitting down for a second and just putting your face in your hands. Okay? You've got to give your body a chance to settle into this. Is what I'm saying ringing true? Yes. into this is what I'm saying ringing true yes I'm so sorry this happened to you

what just happened right in a road you should not happen to anybody not to mention the stress they were already trying to take your house away until some knucklehead burned it down and at least you had to ride or die until he passed and now you're in a mess okay yeah sprinting and running and thinking about starting a new business that is down the road right now um you may have heard me say this on this show by your

hand not by your hand but in your lap you didn't cause this stuff but here it is and so the dreams and the excitement and the things That just got pushed off because the world just hit you in the mouth Okay, and I hate hate in my guts that it did So why did why of the one of the most expensive places to live in the united states is los angeles, california Why'd you pick there? um in the United States is Los Angeles, California. Why'd you pick there? It's so funny that it really is.

But at the same time, this is the one state that helps you. You know, Las Vegas didn't have that. I was pretty much sleeping in my car and I'm coming here, although I'm in this program that's, you know, it's like a homeless shelter, like pretty much women with children in these huge houses. And they're helping me.

With Las Vegas, I had nothing. You know, the Ram Cross didn't want to help me. Like, I had nothing, at least out here. It is the most expensive, but I know that everyone's afraid of Scared World, but you don't have to be there. Like, there really are programs that'll give you housing. They're going to help you. You look for a place, they'll help you. You know, different stuff like that.

And then coming out here, I ended up getting a really good job. But it's part-time, right? Yeah. All right, so here's your moving forward goal Like my heart's broken for you Your moving forward goal here is Putting on a calendar Like maybe 24 months Maybe 18 months

And you are going to take this hurt And this anger Which should be real. Someone burned your house down. Charles died, man. You should be pissed off and heartbroken and sad, all those things. And those two beautiful little kids, you know what I mean? Who are who are hurting also. 24 months of maniacal, intense, I'm going to work two jobs and four jobs and seven jobs. Or I may have to. I know there's a cool program and I know it's Los Angeles and I know there's like some walk right in for some setup.

But if you got a family member in Kansas who will just let you hang on for 24 months, or if you got a family member in Rhode Island or Oregon, and you can drum up some nickels and quarters, and I know gas is basically liquid gold these days, but here's the thing. I just this morning was in a meeting with my team and a woman owed $267,000 all on her own. And she said, never again. And she worked that way never again.

And most people don't work that way never again for two reasons. Number one, there's not a path forward. Like, I don't know what that looks like even. And two, the world has told you that you're powerless. You're not worth being in a relationship with. And I need you to hear me say, Octavia, you are strong. Do you believe that? Yes, I do.

You didn't say that with much confidence. You were much more confident about how great the services are in California. Do you believe you are strong? Yes, I do. Okay. Nobody in your family lineage has handled money well, have they? No. No. You will be the one who changes your family lineage has handled money well, have they? No. No.

You will be the one who changes your family tree. Are you in? Yes, of course. Okay. There's a great quote by Terry Real, who's a therapist who I love. And he said, family dysfunction and family trauma rolls downhill, burns through families like a forest fire

until one person turns to stare it down and says no more. And that person gets scars and burned and does not have all the shiny stuff, but their kids do. Right? Right. So I'm going to set you up. Here's what I'm going to give you.

You know, I work here at Ramsey Solutions, so I'm going to give you a year subscription for free to Ramsey Plus. What that is, is that is how to do money 101. Starting from the ground up. It's the same plan I use, me and my family,

that most of everyone who works here does. It's the same plan that took Dave from losing everything to becoming, he's got hundreds of millions of dollars. I can't count his net worth, okay? But it all starts at square one, okay? I'm gonna give you that. I'm also gonna send you a book called Total Money Makeover

that's gonna teach you about how to take control of your money. Okay? I'm also going to send you my buddy Ken's book called Paycheck to Purpose. Did you already send that to you? No. Okay, I'm going to send you that. Here's what that book is. It's about how to start from square one, from zero,

to go get work that matters to you and that you matter to the work. Because both of those are important. And I'm going to send you a copy of my book. And here's what my book's about. It just came out. It's number one bestseller. My book is, so you've had a life of trauma and the world kept hitting you and they kept hitting you. And when you thought you couldn't take no more,

then they took Charles. And my book walks you through. And then the back half of that book is, so what do I do now? How do I stand back up on my two feet? How do I get a community around me? How do I look at my two little kids and say, we're in this together, ride or die. And I'm going to be the mama that none of the people in my lineage have been before?

Okay? I'm going to send you all of that. But here's my promise. You have to promise me. Okay? Yes. A, with the Ramsey Plus, you have to watch all of the videos. You promise? There's like nine of them. That's it.

Promise? I promise. Will you watch them with your 10-year-old? Yes. Watch them with your 6-year-old too. We're changing family tree stuff here, right? Yes. Will you commit to finding a place to live if you have to be in services for the next I'll give you six months in Los Angeles, okay?

Okay. The way you just described the services there is how people get trapped. Because it is good. There are some great, like your house just burned down. Here's a place to come stay. But that can't be a two-year, five-year, ten-year plan for you, okay? Right. In Los Angeles, I could not afford to live in Los Angeles. And I make a lot of money. I don't make a lot of money. I for you, okay? In Los Angeles, I could not afford to live in Los Angeles and I

make a lot of money. I don't make a lot of money. I do well, okay? I can't move there. You hear what I'm saying? So at some point, you're going to have to say, all right, what's my path out of here? And Paycheck to Purpose will help you figure that out, okay? Do you have somebody you can share life with right now? Do you have a friend, a relative, somebody that can walk alongside you? Um, not really, but. Okay. I want you to, whether you go down to a local church, whether you find somebody and scrounge up some nickels and buy coffee, whether you get with one of the other moms in that home that you're in,

you have to make a connection with another human. You cannot do this by yourself, okay? Okay. You promise you'll do that? I promise. You know why? Because you're worth being in a relationship with, and you're worth being loved,

and you're worth having somebody by your side. Fair? Yes, that's fair. Okay. So is today this all changes? Yes. That's what I need. Say it. Today this all changes. Today this all changes. This is what I'm talking about. And it might not all change. You may go back to the same shelter and you may go have the same place with your kids and your kids are getting out of school and you're trying to figure out day camp for summer and stuff like that. But in your head and in your gut, today is the day this thing all changes.

Right? Right. So proud of you, Octavia. Today's the day, man. Read the books. Watch the lessons. Find somebody to do life with. It's going to be hard sledding for a few years.

Hard sledding. And you're worth every single step of the way. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go take one more. Let's go to Diane in Des Moines. What's up, Diane? How we doing?

I'm doing fine. How are you? Good, good, good. What's up? Well, I just found out that my daughter is stripping and I don't know what to do. I want to go in with guns a-blazing, but I feel like I would push her away. And this is a total 180 from what she was a year ago. And I'm just worried something's going on. Yes, something is going on. What do you think is going on uh well she's um trying to meet make ends meet she she was living with her boyfriend

that she'd had for five or six years and um he was basically just living in the house and using her vehicle and so she decided that was enough and she kicked him out. Well, then she needed to find some way to either get a roommate or make ends meet. And so she stopped and picked up a waitressing job at a nice restaurant and she was starting to make some money. She did have a girlfriend that I thought she was, I had never met. And I just found out that she has been doing this before my daughter started. So I think something, the influence is pulling my daughter away from what I've taught her to. I think she just looked at, she needed the, got desperate and needed the money.

Yes. Um, what, what is your relationship like with her? Very close. Um, just recently, um, she's kind of been pulling away. Um, we have opposite schedules and she's working more evenings. I'm home in the evenings and, and I work during the day. So are you on the same town? Close.

Close. This is going to sound different than the answer I would normally give. But I'd go get my kid. I would probably like I talk tough a lot about not letting your kids leech off of you

I talk tough about you know like when your kid's 23, 24, 25 they need to have their own place they need to go do some stuff this is a critical juncture. There's the stripping, yes, but there's also the environment.

And then there's the secondary trauma. And then there's the primary trauma. And the path here, stripping is included in the path here, which is one of, it's just going to be tough. Like I'm just looking down the barrel of what next year and the year after that looks like.

And this is one of those moments when I would ask my child to come to breakfast with me and I would say, come home. You can live here for a year, get your feet underneath you. You don't have to do this anymore. I'll take care of your bills. I'm going to help you get a job. I'm going to help you find some stuff. Come home. You can live here for a year, get your feet underneath you. You don't have to do this anymore. I'll take care of your bills. I'm going to help you get a job. I'm going to help you find some stuff. Come home.

And she's going to be taking some, she's getting her master's. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're missing the point. She just has, and I want her to come home. I don't think she'll want to come home. Okay. Here's what I want though. I want her to know home. I don't think she'll want to come home. Okay. Here's what I want, though.

I want her to know mom fought for her. Right. And mom didn't just call because our schedules were just all screwed up. Screw my schedule. I'm going to get my baby girl. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's going to be devastating for you, potentially, because it's a risk.

You're going all in. Yeah. And if she does come home, house is going to be a chaotic mess. And you know that because y'all probably fight and don't get along. And y'all have different values and different things. It's going to be a mess.

But your baby girl will be safe, at least for a season. And you can go out there and pour your heart out and she could say, no, mom, I'm just making $1,000 a night. I'm not coming home. And then you're going to make a long drive back with nobody else in that car, and it's going to be heartbreaking and devastating.

Your little girl's worth a potential heartbreak. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. So much. She's just got so much love in her heart. She does. She just has the heart of gold

and I think she's going to have so much trauma and regret and shame. Okay, but listen, she doesn't need any of that from you right now. No. What she needs is her mama.

Yeah. She doesn't need any of the, do you know what's going to happen? And you're going to start using drugs and you're going to have mental health challenges and all these men are going to, she doesn't need that. She knows that. She knows. Right. What she needs is somebody to say, I love you, come home. Right.

And she may not come. But in two years, in three years, when the bottom falls out, when things start getting jagged on the side, she'll say, I know of a place. Is dad still in the picture? We're divorced. We've been divorced for five years. And his comment was, her friend does it. I don't want her to do it.

But with the political things going on right now, people are doing things that they don't normally consider doing. That's such a stupid cop-out. That guy needs to suck it up and get off his butt and go get his daughter. What kind of stupid thing is that to say? I don't know. On the political stuff. I don't care what's going on. I know.

Good grief. And here's the other thing. I have to be honest about this conversation. It would be disingenuous for me not to say, you may sit down with your daughter who's getting, what's her master's degree going to be in? Social work. Okay.

She may be going to graduate, and this is a six-month stint. And she'll look up in five years and have a great job as a social worker and be like, yeah, dude, I just had to make ends meet. It's just kind of part of the deal and moving on. I've met those folks. Okay? Yeah. Not bad people.

Good people. Found themselves in a tough patch and made decisions that I don't think are good decisions. I don't think they're good or bad. They're not healthy. They're not good for you. Right. Right. Nobody goes into that, into strip club.

The whole thing, the exchange, the human, it's a copy of a copy of what it's supposed to be. It's fake intimacy, right? Yeah. Nobody wins in that exchange. It's just sad. It breaks my heart. It does. Because it takes something so right and just says, here's wallpaper

and duct tape, and we can barely see through it. And, but she may lay out a plan for you. Say, Mom, I got four months, and I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to go do this. Thank you so much, but I'm a grown up, and I know what I'm doing. And at that point,

you write her letters, you call her you say well we're having breakfast and fix your schedule Diane yeah whatever that takes and tell that knuckle headed ex-husband of yours to shut up about the stupid politics call his daughter and let her know I love you

and you've got a place to come home to right is that fair? yeah you've got a place to come home to. Right. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this position. There's just these, and this is to all the parents out there,

there's these precipice moments. Maybe, I hope this isn't a bad analogy. It might be. I'm just thinking of it off the top of my head as I'm going here. I let my kids climb trees all the time. They're always climbing trees and falling down and doing whatever. There's a point though, they get too high up on that branch.

Are they probably going to fall? No. But if they do, they don't come back. It's too high. It's too unsafe. That branch is too flimsy. So I'm all about scratches and bruises and failing and falling down. I'm about somebody gets in a bad relationship and it's like,

I love you. I'm gonna stand by you. But you're 25 and you're making grown up adult choices. And then there's a few moments like addiction. There's a few moments like this, when a light switch flips and somebody who was one person becomes a completely different person, especially in that environment. It's just full of heartache and sadness and despair

and wrapped up in celebrations and loud lights and loud music and beautiful people. It's just a despair. I'm going to go get my daughter. I'm going to go get my daughter. And if she doesn't come with me because I can't force her, I'm at least going to, she's going to know that guy loves me. And that guy was willing to storm the gates of hell to come get me.

I see you and I still love you anyway. That's what I want my kids to know. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show.

Song of the day, a little bit on the nose here. It's by the police. Lead singer was Sting. That's some inside joke, even though we're all inside and y'all didn't get it. Songs by the police. It's called Don't Stand So Close To Me. And it goes like this. Young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasy. She wants him so badly, knows what she wants to be. Inside her, there's's longing The girl's an open page Bookmarking She's so close now This girl's half his age

Don't stand so close to me I've never ever listened to the lyrics of this song Wow Don't stand so close to me I assure you I won't We'll see you soon staying so close to me. I assure you, I won't. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode.

Okay, so you want to party. Husband's not so down. Tell me more. My sexual tendencies are more risque into the abbreviations of BDSM. Okay. I don't know what else to do that would get him to want to participate in the ways that I need so I'm not living that same old regurgitated vanilla lifestyle.

The regurgitated vanilla. That's the kind of sex that everybody likes is regurgitated vanilla. My son is starting to become somewhat of an issue from a behavioral standpoint due to his mom essentially no longer playing any sort of active role in his life.

Where is mom? Mom is currently in a mental health facility outside of Philadelphia. Yikes, man.