The Dr. John Delony Show - My Twin Was Arrested and Pretended to Be Me

Episode Date: September 24, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man who has a real-life evil twin A father struggling to earn his dad’s approval A husband wondering how to communicate his needs while caring for his wife Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  ⛪ Money and Marriage Getaway   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm a man and I have a twin, and he kind of seems like a supervillain currently. He was using my name when he was getting arrested and also my social security number. Oh, my gosh. So, dude, I got to ask, man, why in the world would you even contemplate letting this person around your family? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

Hope you are doing so great. So great. Taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your marriage and your relationships, whatever you got going on. John Deloney.com slash ASK slash ask. Shout out and we'll get back to you, have you on the show, and we will dig in and figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Missouri and talk to Wren.

Hey, Wren, what's up? Hey, how are you doing? Doing great, brother. How are you? Oh, I'm doing good for the time being. What's up? All right, so I'll keep it short. I am a man and I have a twin, and he kind of seems like a supervillain twin currently.

Dude, I've seen this movie. This is awesome. This is awesome. I know. I'll be honest with you. When I called the police, first of all, they did not believe me. He gets arrested often or has in the past. at least. And when for a portion of time, he was using my name when he was getting arrested and

also my social security number. And so I guess classic stolen identity. So he's gone to court under my name and everything. And so now he's out of, out of jail. Still, I'm not, I'm not sure if he's doing well or not, but he wants a relationship with me and my kids. since I think he sees that the clock is ticking and the bridges are getting burnt and I'm honestly not sure what direction to head from here. Yeah, I would keep that gentleman as far away

from me and my family as possible. I mean, that's definitely the direction I lean. Have you gone to get a new social security number? I'm in the process of it right now. I had to go get my handprints and fingerprints taken and I guess it's all with the federal government right now, so I have frequent calls within the FBI agents. Yeah, they're doing a bang-up job right now, so good luck with that.

Yeah. Have you frozen your credit report? Yes, and thankfully I don't, I'm not sure if he's smart enough to know how to open a credit card. We've been safe for the time being. I haven't found anything weird. Okay. I guess the biggest impact on me just from the financial side is I didn't find out until I was in the final part of interviews for a job that would have increased my income by one-third and got rejected because I have a violent history. Have you got your record expunged?

At least on the state side. I guess there's still things on the federal side that haven't. haven't been cleared up yet. All right. Are you in the process of getting that cleared up? Because I would get an attorney today, if not. I've talked to one. And, yeah, I mean, of course, the investigators tell me, oh, we're taking care of it. But I've learned at the state level that if I'm not making calls every day, nothing

really happened. Every day. And I hate this for you, do. But you got to build that in at 8 o'clock in the morning and at 4.30 in the afternoon. It's going to have to become part of your life until this stuff is cleaned up. Yeah. um yeah and i can't imagine your brother doesn't go back to jail for fraud right i mean one i guess once they go after him yeah it just seems like every time he he goes

to jail for something the last time he went to jail and said he was me he fought someone in some construction yard got his arm broken with a piece of rebar and i guess they figured it out with insurance because he tried to use my insurance at the hospital So, dude, I got to ask, man, why in the world would you even contemplate letting this person around your family? Around my family is one thing, but my relationship, I don't know, man. It's like I've never known life without him, you know? Yeah. Like from the day we were born, we were the boys, we were the twins, and we're alike in just about.

about every way until, you know, the, the drugs took hold. And now we can be more different. But, I mean, that doesn't feel good. Yeah, I hate this for you, man. There's really no betrayal like a brother, right? Yeah. Man. And it's easy to front a lot of the time where I say I don't carry a piece of

trash. I never want to talk to him again, but I don't know, he makes new Facebook profiles every few weeks, and he messages me from him, and I want to help him always. I mean, but the problem is the last few times, like last time he was asking me if I could send him money for groceries, I said, I can't send you money. You know why I can't send you money, but I will, I can door to ask you groceries and uh sent sent my groceries to a fake address i guess he thought they were going to put them on the porch and they were going to walk up and take them but they ended up scaring this poor driver he called me and you know i told them just turn around take them back unfortunately and man i don't know so this is this is going to be hard to hear

the greatest gift you can give your brother is some problems right now Yeah. And or I wouldn't say you're not going to give him problems, but the greatest gift you could give him right now is to not bail him out. Right. Because there has to be an association. This is really painful. And I'm a overly compassionate guy.

I don't even like saying this out loud. The greatest gift he can begin to realize or metabolize is a connection between his actions and the consequences. And he just simply hasn't done that. Yeah. Our parents have kind of always bailed them out of everything even so far. I mean, we're well into adulthood. We're in our 30s, so early 30s, but they're only just now coming around to not having them around. I told my mom, we live in different states, close states, but different states.

You and him or are you and your parents? Both. They live in the same state. I moved away after 18 because we're the only two people in our small town with the same last name, and I got tired of going places and having people tap me on the shoulder saying they've been looking for me. And I told my mom, I can't bring my kids around anymore if he's around. At one point, we were up there, and my brother was passed out in some chair next to the room my daughter was sleeping. an infinite at the time and he had a butane torch lit on the uh on the desk facing the wall

like six inches away yeah and i i i i never wanted to harm anyone more in my life than that moment you know yeah and and so of course that puts strain on my parents because they they keep telling me just a few more years and things will be okay and they you can come around and things will be back to normal and i just don't see it happening yeah i'll just tell you just as a as a fellow dad and as a neighbor um you've done what you can do on your end and now any additional support help care is just handing him a match for a bigger fire that he can set for himself it's cruel at this point to continue to send him things Yeah. My problem was every time I helped, it's like, in my head, there's such a clear path out, you know?

Yeah. You can take this and you can use it and get there. And it's like just takes it and goes to the complete opposite direction. Right. Yeah. And so you have to at some point come to grips with. You are powerless in the situation, and that's a scary feeling for you. Yeah.

or let me say it more more coarsely you can't help him yeah because he's not interested in your help he's interested in using you and your family to continue um trying to dig himself out of a hole and dude i've got all a compassion in the world for him yeah nobody wants to be where he is right now nobody i want you to try writing your brother a letter that you're not going to send him and for the first time do not hold back put a all on paper so you can get it out of your body and you can look at it okay right and then sit down with your wife and say I want to put on a calendar a date between now and this date I will not respond to any Facebook requests I'm not going to send one I'm not even going to consider

sending anything and I'll make a commitment to you spouse I won't send one penny of support or help or verbal support without talking to you first because the moment I get that request boom, I turn 16 again and I start fighting fights for my brother that he's not interested in me fighting for him. Yeah. That's a good point. And let her outsource it with you.

Yeah, I've basically done it all alone up to this point. I mean, I've definitely not I've definitely not told her everything I've done for him. I know. And here's the problem. It makes time. tiny cracks, it makes tiny little

suitcases of secrets in your own marriage. Yeah. And then you find yourself those lies in the support, in the things we hide get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And then you find yourself in a marriage that you didn't mean

to co-construct. And so this is, here's the things you're going to have to grieve, okay? You're going to have to grieve your brother. The guy you so desperately want him to be and you believe in your guts he can become because you look in the mirror you were able to do it he's not there and you are powerless to help him get there period the people you wanted your parents to be the support and care and nurturing parents that you desperately need as you start your

own family and like you had to leave your hometown you had to leave because the police were looking for you and drug dealers were looking for you and your parents were saying hey you just need to solve this for him you got to grieve that relationship you're going to have to grieve the fact that you started keeping secrets from your wife you're going to have to grieve the fact that you found yourself in a place where no man wants to find themselves which is i don't have the strength or this i i have i'm at the end of my capacity and that is one of the most helpless scary feelings and for men especially if you don't put that on the table and grieve that it will haunt you and you end up doing stupid stuff that will jeopardize your whole your whole

relationship and so bring her into this put it all on the table be honest and apologetic about the hey man i i i also sent money here i did this thing here and tell her i want to put a hundred bucks a month i want to put 250 bucks a month in an account that when the day comes and my brother says i want to go to rehab i can help him with that i will pay other professionals directly if he wants to go get that kind of support but that would be the only support i can provide from here on out ever again and then ask her or be honest with her and say hey when i'm about to send grocery money when i'm about to figure out a way to get us all back there for Thanksgiving or for christmas so that mom and dad could keep their fantasy going i'm going for us short season i'm going to

outsource it to you. And I want you to be honest and say, I don't think this is a good year for you. I've been watching you. You're not sleeping well. You're not feeling right. Or, yeah, I think we can do it this year. We're going to stay for 24 hours. And this is just iron sharpening iron. This is eyes in the sky. You're the military guy on the ground and you can't see what's coming and she can see something that you can't see. And it's bringing her fully into this relationship. It's not asking her to become your mom. it's asking her to become the soldier who's shoulder to shoulder with you that can see things that you can't see. But all of this starts, brother, with powerlessness and grief.

And grief demands a witness. And if you want to be a really gangster, write these letters and then find a couple of guys that you trust that you can read them out loud to. It might be a counselor. It might be your wife. Read these things out loud. Get it out of your body. Share the experience with somebody that you trust.

And it's not your brother and it's not your parents. and then burn those letters or put them in the back of a drawer somewhere and then be about asking yourself who must i be on a day and day out basis to be the dad i want to be to be to be the husband i want to be so that one day potentially i can receive the brother that maybe my twin wants to be and dude none of this is easy this is painful painful stuff man blessings to you on this i man i'd hug you if you were here God, I'm going to hate this for you. But that's your next step.

It's grief. Painful, painful grief. And then going to do the next right thing. Thanks for the call, brother. When we come back, a man asks how to move on from his father's really painful, hurtful words. All right, let's get cozy. You guys know that I love adventures and I love being out in the world in the woods, traveling in the big city, but I'm telling you, at the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it

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slash Deloni and use code Deloni for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post-purch survey, tell him you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. That's cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney to say 40% off. All right, let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Dean. What's up, Dean? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, brother. How are you, ma'am? I'm doing good. I'm having a great day. Excellent, excellent. Cool weather. Yes, sir. What's up? Yes, sir. So my question today is, how do I move past?

the need to feel accepted by my father. So just to give you a little bit of backstory. Give me a huge favor, Dean. Hey, Dean, talk directly into your phone for me. Okay, can you hear me? Much better, yeah. Okay. So, yeah, my question again was,

how do I move past the need to feel accepted by my father? And just to give you a little bit of backstory, I am a brand new dad. My son is about to be three in September. But we recently had a conversation in the car on the way to a job. And I used the term conversation loosely because most of the time it just, once my dad gets gone, he starts ranting, and it's just like different topics, just keep jumping from point to point.

So it's like eventually we get to a conversation about Father's Day, and he basically said that there was no need to celebrate. me as a father because I don't have the years necessary to be celebrated. I haven't went through like all the child and tribulations of being a dad. So there's just no point in celebrating me. He feels like everybody should be over at his house, you know, with the family. He just, he said he felt disrespected because of that, because I had sent a text. like earlier in the week saying that

you know I'm going to drop my gifts off for you guys I'm going to drop my gifts off then I'm going to go and hang out with my girlfriend for Father's Day because she wanted to celebrate me but they felt that is disrespectful

because it just felt like I was just you know blowing past him and not giving him the appreciation that he deserves but even though I did that in the text I still spent about three hours at their house just hanging out with them. So time was still spent.

I just, I'm just exhausted from feeling like everything I do has to be earned. It honestly feels like my entire childhood has felt performance-based. Like love, only get love when you do the right thing what we want you to do. It has been.

Because you're fodder for your father's engine, man. Yeah. So let me say this. You don't move on from this. This is a core wound. It will hurt you till the day you die. Okay. And trying to, and that's unpopular, you'll be able to move through life without symptoms, okay?

You'll be able to navigate life and go on to do the things you want to do, become the man and father you want to do. This becomes your mission in life is to break this non-stop. consensical cycle. Yeah. Right? Yes, sir. That your son will always know that he's loved no matter what. Yeah.

That's the main goal. Okay. That's your new work in life. And you ending this relationship with somebody who is just simply using you to get through their day. Shouldn't be that way with the dad, man. I'm sorry. All right. It's confusing because...

Hold on, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're trying to use math on a problem that the other person is not using math. Okay. Yes, it's confusing because fathers are supposed to cherish and embrace and love their sons, period. And then celebrate them. And then, over time, teach them, train them,

lift them up, sometimes pick them up. Of course, challenge them. challenge them, but never use them. Yeah. And you were used, man. I'm sorry. Thank you. And the only path you have forward is to decide, as for me and my house, as for me and

my child, as for me and this girlfriend. By the way, marry her and get over it. But, like, good. Sooner and later. Yeah, it's going to be soon, yeah. Okay. She's great, yeah. I know, quit screwing around, but here we are.

So, like, I am going to create my life as for me in my house. Right. And nobody who uses any of my family members is going to be welcome in these doors. And you need to know that when you make this stand, a storm is coming. Absolutely. Do you work with your father professionally? Yeah, so I have a regular job with my dad is retired, but he does contract work in the same field that we're in. So not only, so his work kind of, his contract and his retirement work actually blends in with my professional life because he comes by my work at least twice a week to do the stuff that he needs to do and then go about his day.

and not only that, I do help him on the weekends with his contract work as well, so I am getting paid, yes. Okay, so you're going to have to grow up and be a grown man and walk away. Okay. Because take the father relationship out of this. Any other man in the world treating you like this, berating you for taking care of your family, berating you for letting somebody celebrate you for Father's Day, demanding you do their stuff on the side, like you wouldn't put up with that from anybody. Right.

You get what I'm saying? Right. And like I said, it's so weird because it looks like, it looks like from a distance, the way my family operates, it looks like everything is picture perfect. I have been told that twice. I know because you've been a great show pony your whole life. Yeah. When you stop being the lead actor and their play,

so I'm telling you, the storm's coming. Your dad's going to make up a bunch of stories about you to your coworkers. You know that's going to happen. Because he doesn't have the courage to stand up and do life on his own without standing on you. And so when you say, you can't be my stepstool anymore, and everyone in his circle of influence sees that he's six inches shorter than he ever was, he's going to blame you

and you're going to get the man how do you walk out on your dad I can't believe that your dad's such a hard worker he's a great guy he always and you can you can choose to be a person of dignity and respect

I'm not going to talk bad about my old man but there's stuff you don't know right and it's going to cost you actual real dollars in the world because you're going to have to go find a second part-time job for the weekends right

you get what I'm saying Yes sir What happens Have you ever taken him on Yes Multiple times How does that go It feels like I am fighting a mountain

With I don't know a shovel You are You are But put yourself back in the car Y'all are driving to work And he gets going again And you say Hey dad stop stop stop stop

we're not doing this what's something that's going great in your life dad what's his response to that honestly i i haven't even asked that question my dad because we don't we don't have those types of conversations where i feel comfortable enough to like ask him you know what is something you're excited about because those type of questions were not implemented into me those that type of raising was not put into me as a child okay but you've got a choice to make starting today yeah are you going to be a man who sits there and a take somebody else's bull crap 24 7 365 are you going to be a man that just listens to somebody forget the fact that it's your dad just complain and whine and whine and complain and get madder and matter and continually shove you

into their wood chipper or are you going to be a guy who puts on a different set of glasses says okay yeah the world sucks there's a lot of pain in the world it's going right for you man because i'm going to choose to see and find beauty where i can all right all right i'm going to ask you to do two things okay okay do you have full-time custody of your three-year-old oh yeah absolutely okay every single morning without fail want you to put both hands on either side of that of that three-year-old's the face okay I want you to put your forehead on his forehead and say the words,

I love you, son, and I'm so glad that God picked me to be your dad. Okay. Every day. Every day. And when he's taller than you like my son is, and he's stronger than you like my son is, and he's faster than you like my son is,

and he's smarter than you than my son is, it will get more and more awkward. Just trust me. Yeah. Okay? I can only imagine. Every day. I love you and I'm so glad I get to be your dad.

The days of you being fodder for of old man's fragile ego ends today. And my prayer for you is you at least have the courage and the strength and the bravery to tell him that. I will do that. Hey, dad, you're getting going again. Yeah, dad, you're getting going again.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to just do this all the way there. How are you? and you can i tell you a little trick yes please you can uh let's say he's back to you haven't you don't even worth father's day number one you have a three year old I can assure you you've been through it right

oh absolutely you're a single dad of a three year old you've been through it oh not single she's you know my girlfriend's here yeah that's her baby we had yeah yeah Gayne, Marrier, what are you doing? Told you, I'm working on it. No, we're done working on it. J.P. Friday, this week, it's happening. Send me a picture.

All right. But listen. I got to get the ring first. No, you don't. It ain't happening. Good grief. You're done with the ceremony. You already got the kid part.

The ring comes before the kid. You're already out of order. Just get it done. All right, listen to me. You know, I'm jazzing with you because I love you. Yeah, I know. Listen, here's a deal. Whenever a son has his first kid,

there's no greater words from a father than I'm proud of you. Welcome to the adventure. Welcome to the club. Anything you ever need for me, I'll be right by your side. Right. And too many fathers start competing. with their sons for their grandkids' attention. And so here's a trick.

When you're driving in the car and he gets off on high horse about, you don't even deserve it, you should have come to my house. It's disrespectful. And you're thinking, dude, I was there for three freaking hours. Yeah. Here's a quick little trick. You can take your index finger and just touch the middle of your chest. Okay.

Or you can take your, you can flick your wrist. And here's what that does. It brings your body to the present. Okay. You can pinch the side of your leg real gently. And all we're doing is we're keeping the 10-year-old for coming back out to take it. Okay. We're going to sit in this seat.

And, dude, I'll, man, let your dad run, fine. But I'm right here. And I know the truth is, I stayed over there for three hours. You're fine. And I also know the truth is I'm the dad of a three-year-old, and I deserve to have Father's Day. to have a lunch for Father's Day, for God's sakes. The whole world has taken the joys and the, the, the, just deep, deep satisfaction of being a father from dads. Your dad shouldn't pile onto that.

He should be the one in the gap fighting it with you to say, no, man, I'm so proud of you. Proud of the man you're becoming. God Almighty, you're stringing this poor girlfriend a long world. wrap it up but i'm proud of the man you're becoming man i remember when you were three how scared i felt how insecure i felt all that i'm sorry it didn't happen man but dad cashed out dad doesn't get a vote anymore and that's going to come with storms it's going to come with he's going to rain down hell on you and it's going to come with actual cost it might come with the loss of work it might come with whatever but few things brother are worth your dignity and your respect especially when you're

raising another young man thank you so much for the call brother you call me any time you want anytime if i can help you with your money i can help you with your relationships you call me i got you and daint send me a picture of your jp wedding this weekend when we come back a man asks how can he communicate his needs to his wife this show is sponsored by better help. Most of us are guilty of oversharing with the wrong person at one time or another, or maybe you're like me and you're just a bit of an overshare all the time. Let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing, and everyone is giving everyone else mental health advice all of the time. Some of it may be good, but a ton of the advice floating around is

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P. dot com slash deloni let's go out to athens georgia and talk to ian what's up ian what's going on dr don uh this will probably be could be the easiest question or it may go deeper than i realized but can you help me identify and communicate my needs to my spouse better oh great question man tell me tell me more um so basically we have a great relationship uh and she's got some health issues, so I serve her quite brilliantly just because of the need and I love her, but what I realize is I, or I don't realize, is that as I'm taking on more and more and more responsibilities to help her, I don't ever express my needs until then when she's struggling,

she expresses the need, and I'm unable emotionally to receive that need. And so then I realize, oh, crap, I feel bad too. And so then it ends up having, you know, a fight or whatever. But I'm, so we're working through trying to figure out, how do I identify when I need help versus being kind of a hero or self-sacrificing savior all the time? Hmm, good question, man. Who benefited? Let me say that again. Who benefited when you were younger, when you just shut your mouth and got busy?

I don't know I think honestly I would say that it's almost generational like my dad's the same way he is the best servant the best worker but as a family when we were younger it was great so I don't know if it's generational or modeled that way I don't know

does your dad do things that he loves that does he have hobbies? Does he have, where does he have laughter and joy in his life? With serving his family and caring for them and providing for him. Okay. So back to you, what needs do you think you have that you're not putting out on the table? I think just, I think in the season we're in, there's not as much. much of the joy or the connection, so it's just the toil that when I'm serving and taking

care of them, it's fine. I don't realize that I'm putting a burden on myself, and it's great to be able to see them smile. But when they struggle, it's like, oh, man, what, what, I can't do anything to fix that. I've already poured myself out entirely. What are you missing? I think I actually listened to a recent episode of yours and it stuck out of the connection with my wife and the connection, like, I can do all of these things. But in a season with health issues and young kids,

it feels like there's so much work that I'm doing that I don't ever get to just be with her or be with the kids there's so much more to be taken care of so bring me bring the word connection more into focus are you missing sex are you missing just rest are you missing laughter and play like what are you missing I think yeah it's the time

it's the interpersonal time we've started that just kind of go, all right, kids, you stay downstairs. When I get home, dad and mom go up and we just talk. And that's been probably a week, and it's been awesome. Just to talk, just to connect and, like, look in her eyes again. Yeah. What are the nature of her health issues?

It's just kind of, like, an autoimmune, it's like a reduced capacity. So she's always going to have, like, 65%, and some days it's 25%, Some days it's 75%. And so it's kind of hit or miss depending on what's going on. What's the diagnosis? Potts. Okay. What kind of care is she receiving to improve functionality and overall well-being?

From like a medical perspective. Or in a psychiatric and a psychological perspective? I mean, all around, really, the prognosis or whatever, it's just a lot of it's dietary, its additional rest. And then as time progresses, the joke that one of our doctor says is like, oh, yeah, moms that have this, it's terrible until their kids are out of diapers. And then a miraculous way, they heal. Okay. So as far as y'all are concerned, you're just riding this one out? Yeah.

as the kids age. And we've seen progression as the kids have aged a little bit. So there is improvement. It's just a matter of like probably three more years until we get a little more consistency of, all right, this is our normal and it's not that crazy. I guess the thing that I'm hearing in your voice that I don't like is just this total resignation.

Okay. You hear what I'm saying? Elaborate a little bit more. What happens in your house when you express frustration? When I express it well? Where do you have space in your house to just be upset, to be mad, to be frustrated, to get angry about things, to shake your fist at the sky and say, why is this happening to my wife? why is this happening to us? Why is the season this way?

I think I just carry it throughout the day. I know, but what happens when you, because it'll make its way out, what happens when it makes its way out? I work harder and I, yeah, I work harder. I get angry. I know, but what happens when you tell your wife

I'm really frustrated? that's the that's the wild thing is she receives it super well and she does what she can so it's almost like i don't there's something in where i don't identify that i have the need to communicate it until after i express it poorly and then she receives it and you know does help me navigate it well what if you took the word need off the table for a while And I just asked you, Ian, what do you want in your life right now? Because when you walk around and we say we have these needs, and I do get there's biological needs and there's relational, I get that. But I think we often walk around and say there's these needs that we're not having met, which really what it does is it makes other people, other situations, other externalities.

responsible for our joy instead of instead of owning i want this so if i had to take the word need off the table and just ask you what do you what what would you want right now be specific you're in you're doing a good job of of talking very defensively right like it's hard to get in to your inside your chest because you've got your arms out like if you just drop your hands and get out of a defensive posture and just say, what do I want right now? If I could snap my fingers,

what would I want? Besides my wife to feel better. Yeah, I want peace or just time without burden. So I would go back to like just sitting on the couch and talking with her or like kind of just playing with the kids rather than worrying about the next thing I got to do to make sure they eat or,

clean up or whatever it's just that like bubble of time but again you went back to her and you went back to your kids i'm asking you what do you want do you want to break do you want romance do you want like because here's a thing you can you can have a really Sunday afternoon making lunches for the week and call that good it's when you spread this stress out to every minute of every day and I also understand how old are your kids uh between one and six how many three of them three okay so I mean your house is chaos right like we know that but often we get trapped in this I need to do this I need to do this I need to do this I need to do this and really we don't need to those needs are

us trying to fulfill an imaginary fictional picture that we've had superimposed on us and it might be because your dad did all these things in his context and his environment and so you feel like I need to do all the stuff he was doing and I need to do it with a grateful heart and I need to always um or it I also understand like kids just are playing all of a sudden they just blow up a diaper dude and and like I do I need to change that right now right but or right when I'm about to sit down some kid knock something over and the other kid hits the other kid and then the dog peas and like I get all that but some of these things you can solve with an uncomfortable hour or uncomfortable two hours once or twice or three times a week

and then it really creates a margin for what I would call the just the normal chaos of having three kids six to one but I'm having a hard time getting to you getting to your inside into your core being inside your spirit if you will What do you want, man? Because if it's time, you can do what you just said. Like, hey, kids, when I get home, six-year-old, you get the one-year-old. Because mom and I get 30 minutes, period. But I want, I don't care.

And by the way, that would be the greatest thing you could give your children. It's modeling, when it all goes down, mom comes first. The relationship between me and your mother is the anchor that holds this family in this house together. That gets priority number one. that'd be a great gift but but again all that comes back to what do you what do you want man is it is it wrong to just want the friendship the partnership with my wife and with my kids no it's not internal okay so what's getting in the way of wanting like what's getting in the way of your friendship uh i would say myself of forcing my forcing myself to

take on everything. So what's that getting you? More frustration. No, but it's getting, what's something positive it's getting you? I mean, positively, I mean, it's, I would say at the start-fitz level, it's being great in terms of doing all these things. And who's telling you that the only way you are great

is by burning yourself out from the inside out? Where's that picture of greatness come from? I don't know. Because, yeah, as you said earlier, this can be a chaotic yet, relatively simple exercise in asking, what do I want? I want to be friends with my wife again. So what must be true for that? Do this for me today. Get a yellow pad of paper and write on there for the first time in a long time. Here's what I want. I want a friendship with my wife. I want to just

play with my kids. Awesome. And then on the bottom of that paper, write these things down. These things must be done. I must change diapers when my one year old blows it up. I must get kids in bed at this time. And then see which things are negotiable, which things can wait till tomorrow, which things can be done in batches, and then plan those things out. And I also understand it is hard to come back and reignite a friendship with somebody with this additional responsibility. And you do. You've got a lot of weight on your squat bar. You always will because you're a dad of three and you're a husband. that's part of it but it's getting back to what do i want to do in the gym not looking in the mirror and saying i need to because i'm gross i need i need to do this because

my legs are too small or my arms are too man drop all that because you're going to need yourself into the grave or you're you're going to become a frustrated angry version of yourself so here's your permission to be a little bit selfish for the first time what do you want man and let's reverse engineer and build that world. Thanks for the call, brother. Hang on the line. We're going to get you hooked up with all these questions for humans so you can reignite your friendship with your kids and with your wife.

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you can this thing is going it is cooking november one i think is getting close to being gone and the february one still has some seats left the valentine's day weekend by the way this solves your christmas gift issue by the way especially you husbands It solves your Christmas gift. Hey, honey, it's a two for one. You can give a Valentine's Day gift for Christmas, dudes, and be like, hey, we're going to Nashville for a weekend for a marriage retreat. Your spouse, when she picks her jaw up off the floor and is able to breathe again,

would be like, oh, yeah, it's the best. Money of Marriage Weekend, where do they go, Kelly? We'll put the link in the show notes to get tickets. But here's a question that was left in the anonymous question box at Money and Marriage. you repair a marriage after infidelity if so how um i'm trying to think of a different word i'm to change the words i don't believe you can go back to the old marriage after infidelity no can you rebuild a new stronger potentially more beautiful marriage absolutely 1,000 percent i've seen it done over and over and over again is it hell yep is it a ton of work yes what is it

look like no more secrets everything has to go back to can i trust you and can you trust me and can i trust myself and will you trust yourself and those practices are established in tiny little increments piece by piece by piece um actually just built an app not to help with with infidelity but it's a marriage app it's called together it's in the apple store um android users relax put the knives down we're gonna build one for you we're but we gotta take baby steps here but it's in the apple store um but it's simply built on this tiny daily practices to help you transform your marriage that's what has to happen here is i got to be honest about what i need to trust you for the next 90 days and then in 90 days we're going to reevaluate and then here's what

must be true for me to trust you and the other person has to say okay i'm in i'm gonna do those things i'm gonna give you my codes to my phone we're all going to share one checking account i when i'm to be out past x y or z i'm going to call you when i leave work i'm going to call you i'm going to text you i'm going to turn my tracking i don't know what the things are for you and your spouse um but can a marriage be rebuilt absolutely yes and and here's one last thing both of you have to find things that help you stay alive inside your own skin where do you have joy and laughter and excitement and healthy fear and um the erotic how do you bring that type of aliveness back into your home into your marriage into your own chest into your own spirit so yes can you one million

percent is it hard absolutely and i'll tell you from the folks i've met it's worth every ounce of work all of it's a great great question i love you guys be kind to one another begin practicing healthy relationships day by day ask yourself what i want what i want and then communicate that with kindness and then hopefully your partner will say i'm in by the way here's what i want and then game on love you guys bye