The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife and I Disagree on How To Parent Our Child

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

In this episode, we hear from: - A man desperate to find middle ground with his wife on parenting - A woman overwhelmed taking care of her grandmother’s needs - Delony on how to honestly talk with your spouse about sex Lyrics of the Day: "Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't know where or how to draw boundaries for my own health around my grandmother and helping her. And it's taking a major toll on me. Where's her kids? She only had my mom. And my mom just passed away in September, actually. Jeez. What up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. I hope your New Year's going well. Hope your kids are doing well. I hope you're doing well. If you don't have kids and you just have pets, I hope your pets are doing well. Even your pets.

I hope everybody in your life's doing all right. And if they're not, that might be why you're here. Or maybe everything's going great and you are here because you just are like, wow, at least that's not happening. Whatever you have joined us on the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever. I'm so grateful that you're here. Thanks for joining us. Hopefully we have a wild show in store for you today. Let's go to Ty in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. What's up, Ty? Hey, Dr. J, how are you today? I'm good, man. How are you, dude? We're doing all right. Doing all right. Awesome. So what's up? So I'm sure we can go in a couple different directions, but I'll just start with my question and see where it goes. Okay. How can my wife and I come together on the same page about parenting decisions whenever we have polar opposite upbringings?

In terms of... Well, let me say this. Go ahead. I care less, just on the face, I care less about where you've been and more about unification about where you're going. Sure. So tell me about, tell me about your past that make you concerned that you can't get together and go forward in the same direction.

Well, I mean, the example I want to bring up is actually in relation to like a recent event with our, our son in his sleeping habits. Okay. But a little before that. So I grew up in a household where I think was pretty decent.

My parents were always present. They were always available and raised us to be a very good independent adults. Um, my wife, again, has the opposite to where she grew up in a pretty volatile home where one parent was, uh, probably emotionally and verbally abusive and the other was kind of a peacekeeper. Um, so she has some trauma from her past that I think gives her some experiences and perspectives that are very different from mine. So that kind of manifests itself today in that we have a two-year-old son. We've been together for about four years. We have a two-year-old son. And our opinion of his sleeping

habits are polar opposite in terms of, I don't think he has a healthy relationship with sleep. And she thinks that the way that he sleeps or the way that he doesn't sleep is actually somewhat normal. And we've been struggling with this for a while. Okay. Let's get to the sleep issue. But first I want to say this pretty clearly. Your childhood may have been free of trauma or have much less trauma than your wife's did. The resulting wisdom, yours is not superior to hers. Sure. And she learned some extraordinary lessons about connectivity and love and hiding and fear and sleep and things that you didn't learn because

your body didn't have to go to war every day and so there is a like just to wait listening to you talk about it your childhood was superior to hers and now we've ended up in this issue and i can't figure out why she can't see the way i was raised was the right way. And so why can't we just do it like this? And so I want to be careful of that train of thought. Okay. Because that gets into mine is better. And when mine is better and you're talking to somebody who's been through trauma, hers is, yeah, but I got to survive. And then now you're talking about the war you've been having for a couple of years. Okay. So let's think of, yes, me and your parents, they did an awesome job. Great. And her parents did a miserable job.

True. Those can both be facts. Yet both of your wisdom that you've both accumulated from, you have a great picture of what it looks like. She has an incredible picture of what survival looks like. That combination can make for great parents when both of those wisdoms are honored. If one is given preferential treatment over the other, man, you're talking about – that's a recipe for a mess. So the conversation about the sleep, we can get to it.

It's going to be less of this particular issue and more of a framework that you and your wife can develop for how do we make make decisions when we i want it one way and he wants it the other way or vice versa right so tell me about the sleep thing so our son is about two years old okay um he has since birth um never i think been able to sleep through the night i can count probably on one hand probably that's happened over the two years. So we have a pretty good bedtime routine where we have dinner and then good bedtime and then we relax and ease into the night and he goes to sleep pretty well. But he will not fall asleep on his own and he will only fall asleep if he's on one of us, say rocking or nursing, et cetera.

Okay. And then typically the routine is he'll wake up within a couple hours after going down, and then he has to be rocked back to sleep. Oftentimes I'll start, but he gets upset with me because he wants to nurse. And then over the night between 11 and up to 5 a.m., he's waking up every hour and a half or so and will only go back to sleep if he's nursing or on one of us. And so it's been a challenge um so yeah um and so do you want to just let him scream and cry it out until he figures it out or and she doesn't want that well i think that's

what's hard is like we we we do have some good conversations where we'll get into like the approach that we'd like to use or the approach that we think might be appropriate um Um, but again, I think like those backgrounds and thank you for affirming that. Cause I will say that's one thing that she's been phenomenal at is she is very good at communicating her needs and her experiences. And, and she's been with a counselor for quite some time and she, I will offer, she's been extremely brave and amazing and facing her, her past and working through those things. And I'm trying to be supportive of her for all that um so here's the challenge with um babies and i'm gonna dude you know this as well as i do when this comes out do not look at the youtube comments because there's going to be a billion of them okay yeah everyone's got an opinion on sleep

hygiene and sleep this and the kids need to be whatever. My first impulse, right, wrong, or indifferent. Well, here's my very, very first impulse is I'm not a pediatrician and I'm not a children's sleep expert. Okay. And so finding a doctor that you trust in your community that could give you some, what I would say, some informed guidance. Does he know y'all you and your wife does he know your baby and the particular uh you know family history and blood um you know uh details and dietary habits can can he give you some or she give you some informed guidance there okay so So that's important. Beneath that is I like to trust a baby. Yeah.

And if a baby is telling you, I'm not safe, something in my environment is telling me I'm not okay. My first impulse is to ask me and my wife, what tension are we putting out into the world in here that we've created that this is an unsafe environment for this kid to go to sleep in? That may be an unfair, and I don't say it to blame it. I just want, I'm the adult and I want to go look in the mirror first before I start blaming a two-year-old for not doing things the quote unquote right way. Does that make sense? It does. So I'm just creating a framework.

Is there tension? Am I sleeping through the night? Does my wife sleep through the night? Right? Does, I took, I took it off right before the show does my do i track my sleep with like a whoop strap and find out am i sleeping at night or is my baby doing exactly what i'm doing i've just learned some tricks to cover it up in the middle of the night or i don't fully wake up you see what i'm saying um so i want to look at me and my wife. Do we have anxiety in our home? Have we created an anxious life and that this baby is just mirroring the environment we've created for it? So if I ask you that, does your wife struggle from anxiety?

Do you have an anxious home? Are y'all struggling with debt or connectivity issues? Are you and your wife having a challenging marriage season right now? What's going on in your world? We do struggle struggle some debt. We're in baby step two pretty deep. But frankly, I think we're in a good place. Even though there are some struggles

and things we're working through, we have a pretty good way to communicate and voice our needs and stay connected in that way. I will say she has recently taken a couple steps to put in boundaries in place with her parents based on some steps that she's taking. I know before we had him, she had some anxiety that would manifest at night and had trouble sleeping. I'll just go ahead and own it.

I've always had a really good relationship with sleep. And so this is actually, for me personally, it's been difficult because it's a way that I feel like I can't connect with my son. And so, um, sure. So, uh, I was the kid where I would go to sleepovers as a kid and I would actually go to sleep at decent hours that I plan on staying up all night playing video games. Um, so I've always just had, again, really healthy relationship to sleep and decent health habits, et cetera. And so when I see my son struggling with that at night and I go to rock him and he, he just won't fall asleep.

Like he'll just stay awake for an hour or two hours, just for no, what I think is no reason. But so it's hard for me to connect with him that way because I'm, I'm trying to encourage him or teach him. And, and I just don't feel that I connect with him in that way. So let me tell you this, man. He's two. Yeah.

And you want to impart these wisdom lessons and you want to give him the best path forward. He's just two. He is a bundle of nerves. That's what he is, man. He's a bundle of responses. He's slowly coming into his own, right? So he's going to get three and four and five and you can check out Piaget. I mean, you can find the stages of

development, right? And he's going to start transitioning here in the next year or so. And you're going to get, you're going to have a radically different human, a human with a personality and he's got a personality now, but when he starts chit-chatting with you and talking and being silly or being very serious, you're going to watch that emerge. What I would tell you, if I could go back, man, and just, I'm saying this with all my heart, is my son right now, he's going to be 13 in a few months. Dude, I over-informed the first four years of his life. And I under-ex under experienced it with him I tried to give

him a bunch of info and make him do things the right way instead of just honoring man he happens to be a kid who filled he was the opposite of your kid my son can go to sleep in the middle of a of a train wreck he's like all right good right, good night. And he's out. And dude, I've struggled with sleep my whole life. And so there was times I wanted to hang out and play and he just was going to sleep. He needed more sleep than I needed. And I thought I wasn't connecting him that way.

And he needs to learn how to toughen up and stay awake. Dude, it wasn't him that was the connection issue. It was me. And so what I would tell you is making peace with you are in a season. Say it's the next six months. Say it's the next 12 months. You are in a season, Ty. I'm going to get less sleep.

And so I'm going to have to be a little more intentional about my discipline in the morning when it comes to exercise. I'm going to be a little more intentional about not snapping at people because I'm going to be sleep deprived because I got a little kid in the house. And I'm going to take advantage of those couple hours when I quote unquote think he should be asleep and he needs sleep and it's best for him. Man, a baby's body knows. You know what I mean? And make peace with that because what he's going to do is he's going to feel the tension from dad that something's not right.

And he's going to already internalize as a two-year-old, it's his fault. He has to solve this thing. You don't want a two-year-old carrying that kind of burden. You don't want a five-year-old, a 10-year-old, a 20-year-old carrying that kind of burden. Does that make sense? No, it does. And I can see that because I know it has been manifesting for me in other ways. So like I've had issues at work and performance and, um,

even when I am working from home, I said, I mean, back to your question about tension in the house. Um, me working from home is very difficult cause I'm always feel like I'm running behind or late because I'm just, I'm not at my best.

That's, and here's the thing. Is this your first kid? It is. Yeah. This is, this is all of us parents with our first kid. And listen, I got a hard book deadline after the last couple of days I was i've been writing home at really early and writing home

I just booked a hotel for the next four days I'm leaving my house because I can't do it and I feel guilty that i'm leaving my kids and I feel guilty I'm leaving my wife I can't do it And I can sit at home and just be radioactive and not get any work done Or I just had to be a grown-up and just be radioactive and not get any work done. Or I just had to be a grownup and make other arrangements and it's going to cost money. It's going to cost all kinds of, it just is. It just is. And so there's a great lesson having a child can teach

us is how little control we actually have over the world. And the quicker you come to terms with how little power you have the more peaceful your home will be because right now you're fighting nature you're fighting biology you're fighting a two-year-old and you you will lose that fight and even if you win you lose you see what i'm saying and so i here's i would love and man i know you're gonna dude you are gonna get blown up on the internet on this i am too about all different kind of sleep training programs and blah fine yeah whatever all at the end of all of the programs and then all of the blah i want to make peace with the kid in front of me. And man, I don't know many kids that are more disciplined than my kids. They're very

disciplined. My kids are, they're great. They follow the rules are good kids. And they're also freakishly creative and silly and goofy and fun because they're children. And it's me making peace with, my job is to control every little thing, make sure they're on the right. My job is to make sure they don't kill themselves, make sure they're people of value and integrity, which means I got to live my life because they're watching me. And it means I've got to honor, hey, this one wants to do gymnastics. This one's finding his place or her place in theater. And I thought they were going to be a wrestler. And I'm going to go with them in their journey, force it does that make sense and that's as little

as as you know what i'm gonna try for 30 days just to make peace with the sleep thing he'll go to sleep when he goes to sleep and we're going to honor that in the house we're what we're going to do is instead of focusing on managing his sleep schedule, we're going to focus on removing the tension from the house. And I, dude, I might be out to lunch. It worked in my home. It might not work in everybody's home, but I would challenge you to try that. As you feel yourself getting frustrated, don't judge yourself. Just be curious about like, Oh dude, I'm starting to get pissed again. And he's two. I'm not going to let him make me mad because he's two. He's just not tired. So we're getting the trucks out and we're going to play trucks and I'm going to get two hours less sleep

tonight. And I'm going to have to really be intentional tomorrow because I could be, I could be not cool when I'm, when I'm sleeping. And we have a toddler, we have a two-year-old life just gets sideways. And so me and my wife are going to have to learn how to be married now with a two-year-old. And I don't want to speak into your life, but I don't know many people with a two-year-old whose sex life isn't screwed up and whose communication schedule isn't screwed up and whose ability to talk to each other isn't screwed up. And so there's something important about going back to the well with your wife, y'all two, and saying, all right, we got a new marriage now.

It's one where we love each other and we're committed to each other. And I still think you're a smoke show and you think I'm pretty good looking. And we have this human in our house that will be with us forever. And we got to learn how to be married again. And then you can have another kid and you have to do this whole thing over again. And then you can have a third kid and you're going to get a dog and you're going to have to, right? It's just going to keep going. But don't try to get back to what your marriage used to be because it's not ever going to get back there.

Have a new marriage. Talk about what that looks like. Create it. You get to create whatever you want. And in the meantime, make peace with your two-year-old son. Make peace with him. He's not operating on as much sleep. Cool.

There are seasons when I got to lay him down. He's going to cry for a minute, babble about until he finally goes to sleep. But the meta is I'm not going to go to war with him. And when me and my wife have, when you and your wife, I'll say that when y'all have a challenge, let's go back to how do we create the most peace in this home? What does that look like? And that might mean that we're going to sleep in different beds for the next couple of weeks. Or we're going to try, we just, I want pizza every Friday.

I can't eat pizza because when I eat pizza, then, and then I breastfeed, then he gets fussy. I don't know why he does. He just does. So I'm going to stop doing it. We're going to make some sacrifices because our goal is to have a non-anxious home. We have a non-anxious home. Then people can rest and they can sleep and then they can fill in the blank. So go seek that. Seek a non-anxious home And stop going to war with a two-year-old, my brother. You're a good dad, man. You are a good dad. And the faster you can learn that you have value as a father, not because of what you're going to make your son do,

but because you are always going to be by your son's side, the faster you learn that, the more peace your home will have. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work.

We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

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Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Anna in H-Town, Houston. What's up, Anna? Hi, I'm doing okay. How are you? Good. Go Astros. What's up? Well, I'm calling because I love your show and I've listened to a lot of different things that have helped me and I need some guidance here. I really feel like I don't know what to do right now. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's figure it out. So I don't know where or how to draw

boundaries for my own health around my grandmother and helping her and basically providing all of her emotional and physical needs. I make nearly all of the decisions in her life. Um, and it's making, taking a major toll on me emotionally, physically. I'm hyper-stressed all the time. I can feel it in my body. I've had to, I've started paying for the very expensive yoga membership because I have to find a way to like calm myself. I'm just, I'm hopeless at this point because I feel stuck. Where's your kids? Okay. I'm hopeless at this point because I feel stuck. Where's your kids?

Okay. I'm her granddaughter. So she only had my mom and my mom just passed away in September. Actually. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Was that unexpected? Yeah.

Well, yeah. Not, not shocking, but unexpected in that we didn't expect it to happen. They, this, not shocking, but unexpected in that we didn't expect it to happen. Um, they, this goes into that, but her and my mom both sort of had a drug problem, like prescription pills. And, um, I made peace with the fact years ago that my mom was probably going to go that

way. And, um, that's what we think happened. Um, my grandma actually found her. They live together. My mom was living with her for the past six to seven years. And they were kind of enabling each other in this addiction and a lot of dysfunction. And so my grandma found her one morning. And so that's kind of where we're at.

There's been a huge shift, obviously. My mom was living with her for the past six to seven years, at least being there in the house to make sure she had meals. My mom could cook a little bit. My mom could clean up a little bit. My mom was someone in the house to wake her up and be aware if my grandmother fell or looked like she might be not waking up and maybe took too many pills. And my mom would call 911. It was sort of like a safety valve there, you know, and now my mom is gone, um, as dysfunctional as that was and how much stress my mom's addiction and my grandma and everything and her addiction caused everyone that's not there anymore. And, um, I've been taking care of like the financial responsibilities from her grandmother for a long time. She kind of checked out of it, was unable to keep up with it. When I stepped in, it turned out my mom was stealing tens of thousands of dollars from her over the years. Yeah.

So what I'm going to say is going to sound harsh. Okay. And I want you to like, no, like you and I are just hanging out, okay? So I'm talking with you, all right? Not at you. If your grandmother, as an adult, as an adult who's struggling with addiction, is going to act like or is in a place where she's acting like a child,

you are a caretaker. You have to not be an enabler and you have to be willing to make the hard decisions that parents have to make for their kids. What do I mean by that? You have to take an honest assessment of her financial situation. And that may mean that you got to sell her house and move her into a a living facility because you've you've acknowledged it you cannot control i mean you don't have the skill set for you you're not a stay-at-home nurse you can't you're not living there 24 7 365 right you see what i'm saying yes yeah i do i i i don't have the skill support for sure i don't have the capacity and i don't have a skill set. The sort of sticker is

that I can't make her do any of those things. You know, I can't force her to sell her house. She has the ability. I mean, I don't have legal rights over that. She's, she's with us. She's a lucid person. If I were to take that to court, I don't have the money to make that happen in court, even if it would happen. But here's the deal. That means you have to make another hard choice. Choosing to... I've heard you say this once to a caller that someone in her family was treating her like an anxiety med every time they picked up the phone.

And that so hit me because that's what my grandma does like times 10 for like all her stress, her problems. Yes, she has just taken the dance she did with your mom. Yes. And let's be very, very honest, and this is hard to say. I can't imagine a scenario where a parent who is co-involved with a kid in reciprocal drug use and support that that relational dysfunction hasn't happened for so long that mom learned it somewhere

right i'm not sure if i totally like mean, the relationship between my mother and my grandmother. I'm saying there must've been an issue between grandmother and mother to where your mom said the best way I can get through my day is by, is by checking out with drugs. Yeah. My mom had, yes, yes. My mom had lots of problems. My grandmother had lots of problems. Right. And so your grandmother lost her dance partner and she just picked you up and said let's go and you are dizzy from spinning around so much right yes and so what you have to say you have you've heard me say this on the show a bunch you've got to let go of grandmother for a second go over punch the the DJ in the nose or unplug the DJ system,

turn all the lights on and look at your grandmother and say, I'm not dancing with you. If you want to live and you want to have a good life, I'm going to help you make those decisions that way. If you want to have somebody that every day you wake up and you just drag through the mud, who is serving as your human Xanax that you want to do drugs with, I'm not that person. Oh, I, yeah. I mean the drug, I know you don't do drugs. I know that.

No, no, no. But I don't even know that she is really doing it anymore over the last three months or so. I haven't really seen that happening. I think that was a function of my mom being around a large part of it. I do think that, um, it's yet to tell, but at this point, that's kind of what I'm seeing. Let me say it. Let me say it this way. Let me say it this way. Um, propping up your grandmother will not fix your relationship with your mom. Okay. Um, making, making, trying to make right right now doesn't heal that hole that's inside of you yeah i am definitely dealing with a lot yeah i am dealing with my relationship with my mom now that she's gone for sure i'm yeah trying to come to terms with a lot and i know that because you are letting this duty that you've created for yourself pull you underwater you're gonna drown

i know but you're drowning trying to save a ship that has no interest in being saved and but how do i do that she's like at this point she's a she's a senior who like really she legitimately needs help and care and will she accept your help and care sometimes to a certain extent i want her to get like a home health person to come three times a week to you know be there and help can she afford that she can we can make that work um at first she didn't want to she said it was too expensive um so my friend my friend henry clouds and this is a harsh way he says it but he's right Your grandmother's never had to get home health nurse or have anything that she didn't want

because she always had somebody there. So the way Henry says, Dr. Cloud says is, and he's usually talking about kids, is they got to get some problems. And at some point your grandmother has to understand, I love you and I will be the, I'll be the care manager, but I can't be the caretaker. So I will make sure that we have a good contract with the home health nurse company and that somebody's there.

And if somebody didn't show up, you let me know, and I'll make that phone call. I cannot be your home health nurse. And so hear me say, I can't come over three times a week. And as an adult who's lucid, she gets to make her decision, well, then I guess I'm just going to fall and die here by myself.

And there are some adults that will make that choice. And it's... I feel like that's the choice she's making. It's heartbreaking. But unless you want to go to court and have her civil rights taken away, drowning yourself in this sort of pseudo hero thing isn't going to,

isn't going to help anybody. You both end up underwater. I do feel that sense of like, and people say to me, we'll just stop or don't do it. You're hurting yourself and you can't do it all. And it's like I can't imagine where I don't feel responsible for her. I just can't imagine a way of being.

I know, but you are a person, just by listening to your story, you're a person who either ors everything. I have to have the most expensive yoga class or I can't make it. That's not right. That's a way you have chosen to justify having a most expensive yoga class or I can't make it. That's not right. That's the, that's a way you have chosen to justify having a really rad yoga class. And that's great. Cool. But there's,

there's steps in between. Either I go over there every day to make sure she's not dead and she's taking her medication or this whole thing. That's not true. You can go every, you can go every Sunday. I'll come over for breakfast every Sunday. Whether she wants you there or not,

I'm coming over and I'll listen over for breakfast every Sunday. Whether she wants you there or not, I'm coming over. And I'll listen to you complain away and tell me all the things. Great. I'm not going to be your emergency home health nurse. Every time you call me, I'm just going to call 911. And the moment you're ready for in-home care, I'll be here to help set that up. You see what I'm saying? So there's middle ground between this.

I've got to be her everything. I've got to be doing things that I'm not even qualified to be doing, like nursing things and medication management, all that stuff. I'm not even qualified to do that. It's either that or I just, your friends are like,

well, you just got to tell her just to screw off. She's got to do it. Man, you can't do that either. I get what you're saying. Yeah. But at some point you have to say, hey, grandmother, I am over my head. I get, I get what you're saying. Yeah. But at some point you have to say, Hey, grandmother, I am over my head. I can't manage. I want you to have the best possible life in the last few

years of your life. And it's exceeding my ability to manage it. I, I have expressed that to her, um, recently a lot, you know, very clearly. Um, yeah, yeah. I love late becoming more clear. Yeah. Because I'm figuring out more how it's affecting me. And her response is sometimes like, kind of like you said, like this very extreme either, or like,

well then I'll just take you off all the accounts and you won't have to worry about any of it. And like kind of manipulative. That's a child. That's right. It's acting like a child. That's right. Yeah. And here's the deal if she takes you

off she takes you off and that will be heartbreaking and you'll have to grieve it and it'll be so sad and there's not a freaking thing you can do about it I'm afraid someone's going to take advantage of her if I'm not there they will but you're creating scenarios

that are never going to come or that might come down the road if this happens and this happens and that means this is going to happen and you are suffering them in the present you're creating things down the road that are going to be issues. If this happens and this happens, someone's going to take advantage of her and you're going to have a stroke. Both are true. And so here's what I'll communicate to you. The greatest gift you can give your grandmother right now is that you be well. That you have enough capacity to help her to the best of your ability.

And that means you have to define capacity. What do you need? What do you actually need? And you have to define what help you can offer. And fine, I'll just take you off everything. Well, grandmother, you can do that. You and I both know that that's immature and that you're just throwing a temper tantrum. If that's what you choose to do, then yeah, you're an adult. You can choose to do that. I hope you won't because I love you and you're my only family I got left and I want to continue to help out. There's just limits to how I can help. And I know that there, I mean, gosh, there's nothing more painful than a than people in our lives who make choices And we know that those choices are hurting them and at the end of the day we can do very little about it But I do know that going to war with yourself

When your body is telling you you can go no further and you're like no i'm gonna keep going It's unsustainable. And then, man, you've heard me talk about this. You end up resenting the fact that your grandmother exists at all. And that's not where any relationship wants. No one wants their relationships to end up there. And so make it clear. Here's what I need. Make it clear. Here's how far I'm willing to go. Make it clear. Grandmother, I'm still going to show up on this day, but I can't keep coming these days. Express your needs very, very clearly. I would probably recommend writing them down and handing them to her. Here's my schedule when I can start coming to visit you. Here's what I'm willing to

do. And at the end of the day, man, the things you can't control, you're going to have to let go. And you're going to have to grieve the fact that you're having to let it go. And I'm sorry. You got brought into this dance here at the very end. And man, the music is already just going, going, going. And your grandmother's got a way of dancing. And either she's going to change in short order or there's going to be mess down the road. I'll tell you this.

She is the luckiest grandma on earth to have you as her granddaughter trying to help out. She's lucky to have you. But make sure Anna is well in this process. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified

home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. What's up? Hey, before we move on. Hold on. Just the way you said that, it's like I'm in trouble. Nope, you're not. I just wanted to read an email we got And I will not be reading the person's name or anything That I found rather humorous Okay This man, your setup's amazing

Okay, go for it Question Help me understand how the jokes you tell About people loving certain artists And having tattoos are not white lies I love your show And I feel challenged to bring honesty to relationships,

even the small things matter. As most of our listeners know, every time we do a lyric, John makes a joke that I have that artist tattooed. According to him, I have an Elvis tattoo on my neck, and I don't even know what all, but I'm covered in tattoos of various band names. So this person is asking, how am I not lying?

Right. Oh, boy. I don't have an answer. I don't know how to. They're jokes, people. Jokes. Yeah. don't have an answer i don't know how to oh they're jokes people jokes i yeah i look the horse noise just just reemerged just came back you know what i'm okay with that so here's the thing

you gotta chill out uh i don't know how to say like they're not lies because i'm not trying i'm having fun at the expense of my friend and kelly's one of my best friends in this building and we razz each other constantly and hopefully here's how they're not white lies they're so absurd although certain politicians may just say things that you're like, that's absurd. I wish I had an answer. I don't know. They're just jokes.

We're just having fun. So earlier, okay, as those that are watching can see, John has on a beanie today. Oh, yes. And I called you Waldo. That is not a lie. I'm not saying your name is Waldo I called you Waldo. That is not a lie. I'm not saying your name is Waldo and you are Waldo. It's a joke. Okay, so let's go down.

I mean, I wish Dr. Peterson was here. We could just, Jordan, we could just get on the rabbit hole here philosophically. When I say a lie, I am trying to convince you of something that is not true so that i have so that there's an advantage for me is that it is that what that would distinguish a lie i think so because otherwise like pixar is just a building full of liars right and because i really can't put balloons on my house and it's going to float to south america storytellers just lying to us all right now they're telling stories. They're having, or comedians are all liars.

Right. And Harry Potter is all a lie because magic isn't real or whatever. Yes. And preachers, well, I mean, some preachers are a liar. Yes. But like,

it's telling stories and having jokes, having a good time. I don't, I don't know. Yes, just so our listening audience knows, I have none of those artists tattooed on me.

And I am not angry that John says that. I'm okay with that. And I would tell you that's the first lie you've heard today. Kelly's covered in artist tattoos and covered in even more cover-up makeup. She has more makeup on her neck, arms, back, especially lower back. She's got so many lower back tattoos covered. And she just lied to all of you. So there you go.

There's your lie for the day, Kelly. Hope you feel good about yourself. And that's not a little white lie. It's a big. I feel pretty darn good. Thanks. A big red lie. What's the other lie?

There's little white lies. What's the big lie? I don't know. I don't know why you call it little white lies, but then there's not a color to go with a big lie. Not that I'm aware of. I don't know why you call it little white lies, but then there's not a color to go with a big lie. Not that I'm aware of. Big fuchsia lies. Big orange lies.

Kelly tells them. She is tatted out of her mind. And that leads us to, actually, I don't know how to segue out of that. I don't even know what to say. And I'm not trying to be ugly. Somebody clearly is concerned about me telling little lies

about Kelly's tattoos and favorite artists. Little Lies, great song by Fleetwood Mac. Tell me lies, tell me stories. Hey, you know what? It's time for...

It's time for Facts of Your Friends. Let's do it. It's the music of like in a movie when there's a montage and a guy with a mullet and leather pants kicks open the door. He has no shirt on. He's just smoking. That's that music. Play it again.

It's just like hip thruster music, dude. Do you watch Stranger Things? No. Anybody who knows what I'm talking about, Billy from Stranger Things. That's his music. That's his soundtrack. Massive mullet. Awesome.

Yeah. And it's a soundtrack to Facts or Your Friends. All right. Today, we're going to talk about how to talk about sex with your partner. How to talk about sex. How to talk about sex. Let's talk about sex, baby. All right. A couple of articles Kelly gave me here. One is from verywellmind.com. One's from psychologytoday.com.

Different ways to talk about sex with your partner. There's several things in here. I have been having this conversation, as you can probably tell in the show In fact, it's funny my wife and I my wife is talking to me about something Oh, we're making uh the questions for humans cards. We're making a sex and intimacy deck And so I asked my wife to like go through some of these with me. We were talking through them And she had several questions that I had written down. She goes don't ask that I was like, why not? And she goes just don't ask it. It makes the whole room weird. And I said, I asked you that question. I've asked my friends that question. People come to the house asking those questions.

And she goes, yes. And you've been making rooms weird for years. I was like, really? She goes, yes. All of your friends know it, that you're the most awkward person. So I'm learning in real time. I just will have – I just like talking with everybody about everything. And there's very few – there's no things that are taboo or weird for me. I've learned in the last several years that that's not the case with just about anybody. And so I have also learned, um, just meeting people all across the country, um, that show, especially the calls that come in, the emails that come in, man, there are few things going on in, um, Western relationships right now, like challenges with sex and intimacy, particularly how to have these conversations. I this i don't like this i want to try this

and there's so much wrapped up into these conversations and there's so much ego there's so much shame there's so much i don't know there's so much embarrassment um we have the data is pretty clear we've got a we are now there we have an a generation of men getting married that they have received their sexual education from pornography. And so they understand sex to be something that it is not. And there's a whole bunch of women that have received that over the – not as much as the men, the data says, but millions of women have received sex ed or what they think is expected of them and here and of course those are both very generalized i know but so here we find marriages are really struggling i thought sex was going to be like this and she's like i know i thought sex was going to be like this and i thought i was and it's just turned into a quagmire and what we do in our modern world is we don't have any tools for talking about things. We just have enough distractions. We just go our separate ways. And you've heard me say this, then you find yourself two inches apart and 2000 miles away from each other on the

couch, him on his device, her on her device, and you're just in different planets together. And so there's something incredibly profound and uniting and quite honestly just a ton of fun learning how to talk about sex with your spouse like learn to talk about it let's just talk about it and it ends up becoming fun things to talk about silly things to talk about serious things to talk about um but there's just ways to do it right and so um these two articles give a couple of ideas um we'll link to them in the show notes. They're not really scientific, if you will. It's just some best practices here.

There is a couple of things that come from some data that I'll bring out. But here is what I'm going to suggest. Here's several. I wrote down seven things. Seven rules, if you will, for talking about sex with your spouse, your romantic partner. Here's number one, set specific times to have this conversation, designate it, say the words, we're going to talk about sex on Friday. We're going to go to dinner and talk about sex. We're going to talk about sex on Saturday on a long walk where we're sitting next to each other and we don't even have to look at each other in the eye, but we're going to talk

about it. We're going to practice that way. Don't spring it on somebody or when you get frustrated or you don't feel self, I mean, you're feeling self-conscious and you take your shirt off, man, I'm talking about male or female. And it's like, do you think I'm attractive? Do you ever, or what's that old joke? Like, you know, you're rolling over to go to sleep. And then one of you, you know, your wife taps you on the shoulder and she's like, if I didn't have any arms and legs, would you still want to be with me? Like, don't do that. That's not a productive conversation.

That's a way to get a reaction out of somebody. And this is not a great conversation for reactions. It's a good conversation to have when everybody knows it's coming and we are prepared for it. So set a specific time. If you need to like set it up, like, hey, we're going to talk about budgets and then we're going to talk about this and we're going to talk about the state of our sex life. It might be a five minute conversation. It might be a 20 minute conversation. It might be two hours. Great. And by the way, you think when you've been married three years that you've talked about

everything. You haven't. Things begin to shift and morph. And hey, I heard about this and I saw this and remember that couple in that movie yesterday? Do you want to try that? Or what did you think about that? Or that was weird. I heard this at work. The conversations will continue to evolve if you make it a regular part of your relationship interaction. So set specific times. Number two, own the awkwardness. The more you own the awkwardness, start the conversation. This is going to be weird, or this is going to be awkward, or I've never talked about, I've never talked about my body parts with somebody else before. I've never admitted this before. I've never talked about masturbation with somebody else before. I've never talked about this,

my number of partners with somebody. I've never talked about, just own the awkwardness. Just own it. This is going to be awkward. And then as you speak these things out into the world, you're honest about these things often for the first time out loud. And you're telling them to somebody who has looked you in the eye and told your friends and your community and your families and God, if you're a religious person, I will always be here. I won't leave you. And then you can begin to have these honest, real deep conversations about, yeah, this is kind of what I'm into. This is what I'm about. This is what I like. I wish I didn't have this past, but I do. Or I wish I experienced this thing.

Own the awkwardness, okay? That's number two. It's gonna be weird. Good. Number three, be specific. God almighty, we've got so many words for so many different body parts. And so we talk in circles about you

know it's kind of here's what i mean i don't like it when your tongue does xyz or whenever you kiss me you do it too hard i don't i wish you kissed me gentler or hey hey, try this. Or can we try this? Or I love it when, I love when you touch me here. When there are dishes, and by the way, it doesn't have to be just about body parts, just the body parts. When there are dishes in the sink, my body can't fully relax. When you and I are fighting, and I know we had put a little star on today on the calendar, when we're having a fight I just can't get into it um we need to have this conversation first so be specific and practice being specific I like this thing and for many of you when you say I like this thing you're going

to turn beet red your heart's going to start beating all weird. And especially when I say I don't like this thing, which leads me to number four, practice this, practice not getting your feelings hurt. When your husband, when your wife tells you, I don't like this, and they do it in a loving way. Obviously they can be mean about it and be cruel. But when somebody tells you that in a loving way, they are giving you insights into their soul, into the things that bring them happiness and eroticism and pleasure and joy. Rejoice in the fact that you've got some new data, some new tools, like some new ideas For moving forward and that you're not doing something that your partner doesn't like because if you're doing something they don't like Or in a way they don't like

If you put on a cologne and you get like your leather vest and no shirt and you're like, yeah And you like shave a mustache and you're like this it's it's party time weekend and you put that music on they were just playing And your wife is like, oh god, I hate this I hate this And then sex is weird and it's awkward and you're all super weird and the music you're playing is awful like Wouldn't you rather? Hey when you Like go down that road. It makes me so uncomfortable

It makes me think about x or y or it makes me feel this way. I would love to try this and then man You can be into it and she could be into it. Everybody can be into it and it changes the whole dynamic. So I this is generalized statement. Okay, this applies to more than just men but more men than I hear from women whenever I say hey I would like to try this or instead of this could we try this that men get their feelings so hurt guys can be the worst with their egos like and they got their sex ed from pornography so they think sex is supposed to be like this and it's not it's not and

so men set your ego down and women set your ego down this is about learning and listening and trying to honor your partner this isn't about being right or this is the way we oh man no hurt feelings, okay, to the best of your ability, if somebody's cruel and they try to hurt your feelings, well, you suck at this, or my old boyfriend used to do this better than, well, yes, you should have your feelings hurt because someone's just being cruel, okay, so be curious, be curious, I don't, we may have to edit this out okay along the hurt feelings I remember talking to

talking to I was talking to a couple once several years ago she thought she was amazing and she thought she was amazing and with a particular move that she had according to him the move was not amazing it was awful it was so painful and he didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and just kind of like it was like And just endured it till finally he started to stop start avoiding sexual contact altogether

because it Hurt i'm only laughing because listening to them tell the story was a riot. They were both super funny people. Um And she said the greatest gift she received is when he said you have to stop doing that because it hurts so bad. Stop. And she was like, what? And then when she found out that she wasn't hurting him anymore, that was a gift to her. And yes, she was embarrassed like crazy. I can't believe this went on forever.

And she was also kind of pissed. You let this go on this long without telling me this hurt instead of this wasn't awesome. Yes, I did. I was embarrassed. And then that kind of set the stage for doers can talk about everything because there's no reason to just endure this right so there you go um all right number five don't replay or dig for performance reviews

don't like after a sexual encounter don't be like all, all right, was that an A or a B or a C? Was that varsity moves? Don't do that. This is about relationships. Now, if you want to compliment your partner, great. If you want to, when you're talking about it a couple of days later or a week later, hey, the other night, that was incredible. Or, hey, I said I would try this thing one time.

I did not dig it i didn't dig it it wasn't great it wasn't fun um i'm not super interested in doing that again what did you think i loved it uh well like man i'm glad you did but it wasn't i wasn't into it um when you start play by playing in the moment um the act of sex itself is such a vulnerable intimate engagement right afterwards is such a release of neurological chemicals it's a physical whoosh it is not a moment for, and so if there is critique to be given, if there's conversations to be had, A, take critique out of it. And if you are insecure about, hey, did you like that? What did you think about that? The number of people who have told me, I can't stand it. When my husband and wife asked me, how was it? What'd you think? Was it pretty awesome? Don't do that. Don't do that. Create an environment in your relationship

where they'll let you know. I'll tell you. I mean, it was, it was awesome. I don't, do we need to go down the, I thought you knew it was awesome when I was yelling or I was smiling or I was like, whatever was going on in there at the time. So time so um don't dig for performance reviews okay be at peace and if something's awesome if you're part of something new or something incredible or awesome or what was meaningful or felt right or you felt super connected say that say that and by the way again it doesn't have to be about some sex thing it can be hey last night start to finish you helped out with bedtime with the kids man you just went like it, you helped out with bedtime with the kids. Man, you just went, like, really helped out with the dishes.

I got to take a long bath. It was incredible. Dude, the whole night, I felt super connected. I felt seen. I felt loved. I felt just connected. Say those things. Those are awesome.

Six, have soup. Tons of fun. Have fun with the conversations. Okay. Have fun. Ask each other about fantasies. What are you, what's like a thing you've never told anybody that you, you would never do it, but you would like, I'd want to know. I just want to know what it's going to be like. What are some things that like, I heard about this once. Like, have you ever heard about that? Like have those, that can be so fun. It can be erotic in itself. Having the conversation like, oh my gosh,

my wife is talking to me about this. My husband's talking to me. Yes, have those conversations. I've talked about this on the show, the erotic envelope system. It's sometimes hard to say, hey, honey, I want to try this particular sex move or I want to try this particular, that's hard.

It's awkward. It's weird. So the idea was get 10 envelopes for 50 cents at Walmart or Walgreens and you take five and she takes five or vice versa. And you write down, I want to try this and I just want to try it. And the rule is you got to be curious, not judgmental. You can't be like, oh my gosh, you sick. Unless it's like, whoa, whoa. Right? But be like, okay, I don't know how this works.

I don't know how we can make this happen. I'm in, I'm down. I'm just curious. Tell me about it. Tell me about like the, tell me about what you want. And everyone listening to this, you have a thing that just popped into your head. That's why I'm not telling you a couple of ideas because I just want you to go thing that just popped into your head That's why I'm not telling you a couple of ideas

Because I just want you to go with whatever Just popped into your head And sometimes I'll just tell you like me and my wife did this One of hers was French kissing I miss just French kissing And I was like Okay

So we French kissed And it was kind, okay. So we French kissed. And it was kind of awesome. It was awesome. It was awesome. And okay, last one. Over the course of this conversation, be honest about pain, about past hurts. If you are a abuse survivor

and there's a context of safety in your relationship, in your marriage, or if you're with a counselor, be honest about things that bring you pain, discomfort, that make you feel less than. Whether that's a request for a particular sex act, whether that is a way your partner's approaching you, whether that's a way, like whatever, like be honest about things that happened in your past, be honest about pain. Okay. And I made light of it earlier, um, just because that particular situation, the two people are hilarious, but there's a lot of time pain's not funny at all. Not even a little bit. In fact, it's disturbing. And someone needs to raise a flag and say hey I'm not comfortable with this this hurt stop

Or this reminds me of the way a former girlfriend talked to me and it makes me super uncomfortable A former boyfriend used to do like I'd stop stop, right? Um, be very honest about your pain. Okay, so that's seven Seven things seven ways you can talk about sex with your partner. Please make this a regular part of 2023 for you and for you and your spouse. Like talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, man, having the conversations, be willing to be curious, judgmental, having fun with this, man, you can change your life. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious

Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. And Kelly does not have a tattoo of Marvin Gaye that we know of. That we know of. And she won't know. I knew it.

She does, ladies and gentlemen. She does. Probably an old English down the side of her leg. Yeah. No. The song of the day in honor of the last segment. Facts of your friend segment. Song is Let's Get It On.

And it goes like this. I've been really trying, baby. Trying to hold back this feeling for so long and if you feel like I feel baby I've never listened to the lyrics of the song then come on oh come on let's get it on baby we're all sensitive people with so much to give. Understand me, Sugar, since we've got to be here. Let's live. I love you. Let's get it on.

America, we'll see you soon.