The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Had Affairs With My Friend and My Co-Worker

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A husband wondering if he and his wife can work things out after a painful separation - A mom totally overstimulated by her young kids - A 20-year-old unsure of how to apologize to his parents for his inappropriate behavior Lyrics of the Day: "What's Love Got To Do With It" - Tina Turner Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Oh, just living a dream. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they are for sure not living the dream. Really struggling with motherhood. I love my kids. Of course. With everything. For the rest of the show, you don't even have to repeat that because I know that.

Yo, yo, yo. This is John with the Dr. John Golony Show. Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever, ever. It's ever existed. So grateful that you've joined us. If you want to be on this show, we're going to talk about what's going on in your life, what's going on in the life of your spouse,

what's going on with your person you're dating and your kids, whatever's going on. This is a show for you, by you, and about you. It's real people with real challenges. And I'm going to pull up a chair and we're going to figure out what to do now and moving forward. So if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

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Go to thorne.com slash U, the letter, slash Deloney for 25% off everything in their store. Great supplements. World-class supplements are expensive, and 25% off makes a big, big difference. All right, let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina, and talk to Isaac. Yo, yo, what's up, Isaac? Hey, man, I'm as excited as opening day of deer season.

I get to talk to the Dr. John Deloney. On opening day of deer season, I don't talk to anybody.. John Deloney. On the opening day of deer season, I don't talk to anybody. Just the woods. What's up, man? How are you? Hey, man, I'm doing good. I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me and everything that y'all do up there at Ramsey Solutions.

Y'all really do help people with hope and change lives. I'm really grateful. I'm a big fan. Thank you, my brother. Thank you, thank you. What's up? Well, my question was about resentment. Um, you know, uh, you know, once, once you're there, uh, can you come back? Um, and if so, how, um, I know the should I come back is up to me, but you know, coming back from it and maybe how so, so I can certainly provide a little

more context. Yeah. I think coming out of the gate, knowing I'm always going to answer that question, yes. And it's hard. Right. If you are in disgust and contempt and resentment, I mean, you're talking a control-alt-delete on just about everything to come back together. Is it possible?

100%. Absolutely. So tell me what happened. How did we get here? All right. Well, I've been married to my wife. This is going on seven years. We've been separated since March, early March.

But, you know, circling back to that, we got three kids under five. So, you know, our marriage has been raising kids for the most part. Short timeline. We had a big job change and a move back in July. Come August, took a trip home and had a little, there was a falling out with my parents, and I didn't quite stand up for her maybe as best as I could have. But, you know, things started kind of getting a little stressful from there. And then come October, she came to me saying she wanted basically to start separation process and things. Came clean about some infidelity from years back that I didn't know about, including with one of my really close friends and groomsmen.

So that was a big shock, and I wanted to work with her from there, forgiveness, all that. I was good there and wanted to do everything I could to keep what we had together. And then it was kind of going through that back-and-forth process, feeling like I was trying everything I could. And then come January, I, uh, found out she was actually currently, um, being unfaithful with one of my very close friends and coworkers. So yeah, that was just another, another dagger in the back that, um, you know, got twisted basically. But from that point, you know, felt like I felt like I had a direction I was going. You know, like I said, parted ways in March, living elsewhere, you know, a few miles down the road.

You know, we still have a close relationship, obviously, with our three kids and everything. But just a few weeks ago, she comes back and is ready to realize she did wrong and wants to fix things. And honestly, this is only one of the few times in my life where I really just don't know what to do. Really just at a loss as far as how I feel and what to feel. So if you and I were sitting out on an opening day in the woods and we're sitting in a two-person tree stand, which means we're about two inches from each other,

and it was quiet, and I looked over at you and said, what are you going to do? Without trying to filter it, without trying to think through, yeah, but what would you say? What would you say? You know, I'd like... What would you say?

Go with your gut. Just say it. Like, I want to. You know, we... Say it, say it. I want to, but, you know, that's what I want to work towards, but I just don't know how. I want to try something on,

and you reject it wholeheartedly if I'm wrong, okay? All right. I think you are done. And I think you want to want to, because you think that's the right thing. And you have a picture in your head about people who quote-unquote quit,

and when she circled back for a third time after destroying your life, destroying the life of her kids and destroying your friendships, that little voice that said, well, now that she wants to be back in, if you walk away, you're the quitter. And I think something in your spirit says, I'm done. And you don't know what to do next because this is a scary, terrifying proposition because this is somebody you built a life with, you created a family with, and you don't have a plan B. And yet, here we are. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I mean, I wouldn't say completely wrong. It's, yeah. Like, I don't want to be done, but it just seems impossible to not be done almost. Have you listened to this show before? Yeah, yes, I have. So you know I'm always telling people to find a path back together.

And this one just, for whatever reason, man, maybe it's because I normally shoot shows in the morning and this is the afternoon. But there is something in my spirit that just is grossed out by this whole thing. All right. I usually believe there are two sides to every one of these stories Am I wrong here? This one feels very very one-sided Uh, as far as the actions that were done, it was pretty one-sided I mean, you know, obviously nobody's a perfect husband and things like that. I disagree. I'm incredible. I'm just kidding Of course, of course, no one's perfect

But but I mean, but let's be honest in your whole life, you've never been married and a parent of a kid. You have never been married in the parent of two kids, never been married in the parent of three kids. So y'all are constantly having to rebuild and rebuild and rebuild. And so nobody does that right. Of course you make design decisions that are goofy and you put the, you know, you put a foundation footer in the wrong place. That's just part of being married and figuring things out together. That's not a reason

to go hook up with somebody's best friend and then lie about it and make you feel crazy. That's not liberty to do it again and it's funny when you were telling me that my first thought was oh she's practicing on him she's practicing telling an old story to see if it's okay to tell what's really going on right now right and lo and behold

so here's i'm gonna tell you if you want to stay married to her, you can stay married to her. This isn't resentment, I don't think. I don't think you're there yet. This is active pain. Resentment is when the smoke has cleared and you realize, oh, we're not even in the same house anymore. Psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, we have two different lives. You're not there yet, man. You're still bleeding. Right.

She destroyed your family and I'm sorry. Appreciate you. Appreciate you saying that. And you know, yeah, I mean, it's tough. Um, it really is. And, um, what do you do for a living uh I'm a wildlife biologist okay alright very cool um

I'll say this as delicately as I can you can't fix this right this is and I can't I can't fix her and I know that

like that but your marriage can't be quote unquote fixed it will have to be rebuilt from the floor up. Yeah. And you for the first time,

and you haven't done this in 10 years, you're going to have to be very clear about what I need. And, and she's going to have to be very empathetic towards those needs and be so focused with like a laser beam on empathy with you i don't think she's got it in her unless she has just seen the light right and rightly or wrong i i you know i'm i might i might be out to lunch with this but for whatever reason i grade these kind of things on a scale.

And what I mean by that is somebody sits down and says, hey, dude, I was on a business trip. We were all at a dinner and there was a couple of salesmen. I don't know what happened, but I hooked up with somebody. That's stupid and it's painful and it's hurtful. That's not hooking up with my husband's best friend. No, and this was, once found out, it was

continued on and kind of, Right. And then, and then, and then again, that's almost pathological. It's disgusting.

And so, when I'm thinking through, like, man, you bring forgiveness back. I don't know what happened. I screwed up. There was a month when I was just head over heels with somebody at work. Those things happen. That's life. This is something different. And so I want you to hear me say, you aren't crazy. And you're not over feeling this thing and you're not a bad guy for thinking for starting to make plans of what comes next in the world that you are now cast into by yourself you're not crazy you're not a bad guy okay right you're a guy that was legitimately done wrong and i think the question is what does co-parenting look like? What does friends look like? Can I ask you a real sensitive question? Absolutely. When's the last time y'all were

together intimately? When's the last time y'all slept together? Probably either back September, before I knew about the first stuff. Because we were kind of separate rooms type stuff, like I said, from kind of September into August. But y'all haven't had like a hookup one night or a hey, I miss you kind of thing, dropping the kids off or something? No. Yeah, man, I'm sorry. When you, if you decide I'm out I'm done my kids deserve

better I deserve better she's got a lot of healing to do and I'm not the person that I can't drag her through it it's gonna hit you like a tsunami the pain the reality of all of this and

I don't want you to run from that, okay? Right. You're going to have to get a couple of guys in your life. You're not going to have to head into the storm. You can't run from this one, man. This just sucks. Yeah. I am blessed in my life.

You know, I've got, I mean, considering everything that's happened, I feel like I'm in a good place. I've got good people around me. You know, being in the new place, still working on new people around here, but I've got good people in my life. They haven't stuck the dagger in my back yet. Actually, I told my buddy, I told him, I said, hey, man, you know, pressure's on you now, you know. He said, man, I don't even know, pressure's on you now, you know, he said,

man, I ain't gonna, I don't even know if I can call you on the phone no more. Hey, that's, that's actually, I can imagine how awkward you can make a, like hanging out with a couple of new guys and y'all get to be good friends and be like,

all right, listen, if any one of you guys sleeps with my wife, I'm going to kill you. I can imagine dinner getting kind of strained. Here's, here's the deal. I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Just something for you to read through. And it's just the path out, man, of sitting in this grief and what do I do and where do I head? Where do I go now? I'm not going to hate you. I'm not not gonna roll my eyes at you i'm gonna hug

you if you say nope we talked we had an honest come to isaac conversation we're gonna stay together great and if you want to do that both of you call me back i'll walk you through the path back that y'all can start um if you decide, man, this thing's been done since September. It's been on life support, but it's been gone since September. I'm done. Spark is gone. It's just gone. Fire's out. And if you want to do that, call me back, man, and we can figure out where to go from there. I want you to never feel like you don't have anybody to call or a place to go or a place to turn. I'm just heartbroken for you, man.

I'm sorry that your wife did this to you and she blew everything up. Take care of Isaac. Take care of those little ones. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes

and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist

at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Knoxville and talk to Shay. What's up, Shay? Hey, how are you doing? We are partying. What are you up to? That's not true. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just at work. What are you doing? Oh, just living a dream.

Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for sure not living the dream. What's going on? I said a dream, not the dream. Excellent. Good, good, good work. All right. So what's up? I am really struggling with motherhood and specifically getting overstimulated and overwhelmed with my kids and all the responsibilities that come with it. And I'm just looking for any help, any way that I can work through that. I love my kids. Of course. With everything. For the rest of the show, you don't even have to repeat that because I know that. I know you love them. Okay. Over-stimulation with

moms is kind of a hot topic right now. Tell me what that means to you. You have kids. I do. Right. You know, I'm sure anyone who's seen a small child in a busy area, you get overwhelmed by the sights and the sounds and the noises and they get cranky and they start fussing and having issues. I feel like that as an adult. I have a hard time with the noises. One of my kids constantly moves, never stops running, never stops climbing, fidgeting. The other one cannot stop talking. He talks a mile a minute. He is probably a hundred thousand words a day, constantly mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. And so between the sounds and the movement and. And then do you walk through your kitchen and you feel little things under your feet?

Oh, constantly. And then you step on like a truck or a Lego and there's a crumb and then a thing and it's all, it's like sensory overload. It is all the time. And I don't want to be overloaded with my kids and with motherhood. Of course.

I get, I either get to the point where I'm so hyper-focused on everything that's going on or I completely shut down. Yeah. And my kids deserve better than that. I wouldn't say better. They deserve different. Okay. Is that cool?

Yeah. Okay. So what's the core message that you feel in your chest, like a ticker tape at the bottom of like a Fox News or CNN or something like that? What is the core message of a mom with two wily little kids? Like when you have a kid that won't stop talking, you have a kid that's just kind of running around everywhere and tripping and falling and there's crumbs and there's wrappers and there's, what is that core message in your chest? What are you telling yourself? I guess that I'm failing. There it is. And what's beneath I'm failing? What's the message beneath that one? It's probably the one you've been sitting on since you were a little bitty girl. I'm not good enough.

Yeah, worthless. I'm freaking worthless. And here's guest exhibit number 144. I can't even keep my kids fill in the blank. And then that's followed by, what kind of mom doesn't even like her own kids? Fair? Yeah.

And then your sweet body spins up trying to take care of you and it runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Then it spins back up and runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Then it spins back up and runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Are you married? I am. Then Knucklehead comes home and starts pawing at you and you're like,

God, if you touch me, I'm going to kill you. And you kind of like sleep. We've had that conversation. But you kind of like sleeping with him. had that conversation. But you kind of like sleeping with him. And then you think, what kind of wife am I that won't even sleep with this great guy? What's the met, right? Yeah, absolutely.

Touched out is the word we use in my household, yep. What's the word? Touched out. Touched out. Touched out. So instead of that touch being a safe place, like a place that you can't wait to get to, it's a place that makes you feel like you're electrified. So I want you to think of your body as doing its best job to protect you.

And it's been protecting you from this core message that you're not worth much or anything for a long, long time. I talked to people all over the country that got that message from their church growing up, that you were such a worthless, disgusting creature, that God had to murder his kid so that your disgustingness could, right? That was part of the narrative? Or it could have been from dad? Could have been from mom?

Are you seriously going to wear that? Would it have killed you to get one more A? Really? Oh my gosh. Gross. Eat that. It never stopped. And this core message is, you're not good enough. You're not good enough.

You're not good enough. And then marriage is going to rescue us, right? We're going to find that guy who loves us. Do you feel safe with him? I do. So I'm going to ask you something weird. A common threat, and it's not always,

so tell me I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But a common response to the's not always so tell me i'm wrong i'm wrong but a common response to the message of i'm worthless when you find somebody that you feel safe with your body actually kind of slows down a little bit with you overdo it with them to the point that they're like god you're a lot and they say it in nice, kind way because that's usually those kind of people. And you feel it when they go, ah! And then they try to re-

jump the bridge through sex. Am I onto something? I think so. I think that sounds real familiar. Actually, your husband called me and like filled me in on everything. I'm just kidding. Not even a little bit.

That wouldn't surprise me. It's okay. So here's the goal here. The goal is not to be less overstimulated. And I know that sounds bananas. Overstimulation is your body trying to get your attention, okay? We don't protect our houses from burning down by taking all the smoke detectors out.

What we want to do is address that core message that yet again, you're not worth anything. And it's not true. That's the problem with it is it's not true. It's a lie. It's false. And so we are going to begin a practice where when our body starts taking off on us, we're going to catch it.

We're going to have somebody that we trust. That could be your husband. That could be a girlfriend of yours. That could be your mom if she's safe. She probably is not based on your story. It could be a A counselor whatever but all we're gonna do is when we feel our body when

One kid's running around and you say stop running and they just keep running and instantly that's it right there your body Dumps into your own kid won't even listen to you Yep, way to way to be, nice mom. And then you yell or snap and then you're like, ah, and you're a terrible mom too. We're just going to stop

right there and we're literally going to put our hand on our chest and we're going to feel our bodies. And we're going to exhale really deep and say,

that's not true. I'm not a terrible mom. I'm exhausted. Ta-da. I get to be exhausted. Not terrible. I am not worthless. And we're going to be really intentional about I am statements. I am a good wife and I am a great mom. And I am working to practice on some new things that I've never done before in my life. Do you hear how one of these is so much more peaceful than going to war? Absolutely.

So here's a couple of weird things I want you to practice, okay? Okay. And you're not going to find this in traditional parent literature. And so they're kind of weird. Number one, I want you to practice not using your kids as a report card.

Okay? Here's what that means. When your kid does something ridiculous like knocks over a plate of chips in a restaurant or yells real loud, I don't want you to look around and make eye contact with other people. I want you to feel your body

kind of getting embarrassed and ashamed and oh my gosh, and then go, he's two. You know what two-year-olds do? Knock over chip bowls. Next time I, as the adult, I'm just going to remember to move the chips.

Ta-da. No war fight no running no body starting to try to defend me because there's nothing to defend I'm, just gonna remember to move the chips next time When somebody says man this one's got a lot of energy Let your first impulse. I want you to practice this be Thank god It's so great It's thank God, it's so great. It's a lot, but it's so great. Do you see what I'm saying? We're practicing new ways of doing that, okay? And you're going to stumble and fall and trip and screw up and be like, oh gosh, he's the worst. Then you're going to catch yourself and be like, he can be the worst, but man, I'm glad that he's

healthy and he's running around. And we're just going to practice that. Okay? Here's the second one. And when I say this, I don't want you just to immediately run into a big ball of burning shame. Okay? It sounds like an old My Chemical Romance song. But I don't want you to be like just a ball of shame. Okay.

Okay? I want you to practice being likable. And here's what I mean by being likable, not being a doormat, not having feelings. That's not what I mean. Whenever you find yourself about to tell your kid to stop running around, I want you to ask yourself, why? Why am I deciding that this is an important hill? Is he unsafe? Then yeah, of course. And instead of yelling, I'm just going to get up and pick him up.

Or I have this picture that a perfect mom has perfect kids. And perfect kids don't move. They don't run around. They don't ask questions. They don't talk too much. And that's not true. Perfect kids are silly and rambunctious and quiet and loud and some sleep and some aren't very good at sleeping. It's just a bunch of different pictures.

And so when I say practice being likable, practice skipping every other, hey, stop. Hey, quit, quit, quit. Hey, quit. Can you just put, skip every one of those. Or when one of your kids starts talking, I want you to like, you can put your hand up and go,

or put your hand on them and say, hey, mom needs seven minutes. When this clock says one, four, two, I want to hear all about your story. And you are going to have three minutes. I want you to tell me the whole story. Are you ready? And they'll go, yeah. And then you take those seven minutes and you breathe and you go, and you go, ah, and some of that chatter will have dissipated. And there will be a core story there that you can hold your kid's hands, squat down,

look them in the eye and say, tell me all about it. And now your body's not trying to do 48 things at once. It's just lasered in here. And you're going to find that that kid isn't as annoying as you think it is. Think he or she is. And all we're doing, we're just practicing being likable. And with your husband, there's a way that you can push and push and push until you snap. We're just going to go way upstream And you're gonna he's gonna ask you every morning. What's the best way I can love you today? And what you're going to find in a couple of weeks or a couple of months

Is man if you do bedtimes Or help with bedtimes and if you just see a dish in the sink, I have a strange thing about dishes in the sink or whatever the thing is for you, you are going to have more peace and he's going to have a lot more sex and you are too, obviously. See what I'm saying? Yes. Okay. So I threw a lot at you. I want to hear back from you. You may be like, dude, John, I've done all of these things. Or this may be totally new. Tell me what you're feeling as I'm talking.

Oh, it makes a lot of sense. My husband and I just recently had that conversation, actually. Okay. Byproduct of listening to your show all the time. Okay. Tell me how that conversation went. It did not start off as a calm conversation, but the more we talked about our individual needs not being met,

we figured out that if our needs aren't being met, we don't want to meet the other one's needs. There you go. And so we are both trying to make a more concerted effort at helping the other one get what they want and what they need. That is beautiful. Here's my mechanics question.

How did y'all set that up? Did you tell him a list of needs that you have and he told you a list? Yes. Okay. I want to change and he told you a list? Yes. Okay. I want to change that a little bit. Okay? Okay.

Needs are very dynamic. What I mean by dynamic is they're different all the time. They're always moving. So I want you to come up with a regular morning practice where you ask each other, how can I help meet your needs today? How can I love you best today? Because some days you're going to be like, I want to do the dishes and not look at another human or talk. And he may walk in and do all the dishes.

He's like, I do all the dishes so you can have more time with the kids. And you're like, I'm going to go bury myself in the backyard. Right? So I want this needs conversation to be something y'all do every single day. And what you're going to find is just the intimacy of this conversation is going to be extraordinary.

And you're going to find that some days you have this need, Some days you have that need. Some days he has this need. Some days you have that need. You might just have a picture of, he needs more sex. Okay, so you're just going to have a picture of sex, a picture of sex. Well, he may want rambunctious, silly, we just got like, can't wait to get home sex. And then other days he may want to just sit with you and have old like connection boring married sex. Like what?

It's going to be different every time. And so I want y'all to make this a practice. Is that fair? Yeah, absolutely. All right. I want you to say out loud I'm worthy of being a wife and I'm worthy of being a mom. I'm worthy of being a wife and I'm worthy of being a mom.

I am worthy of being a wife and I'm worthy of being a mom. And I want you to say out loud, I am not worthless. I am not worthless. That story is not true. Say it. It is. Is that hard to say it is so when you get up the courage to call a counselor

that's going to be where we start my core story my core message that I tell myself it's encoded into my DNA is that I'm worthless and I've tried to achieve worthless and I've tried to achieve academically and I've tried to achieve by following the rules or I've tried to get

people's attentions by drinking a lot or I've tried to marry the perfect guy and have the perfect kids and the underlying ticker tape story is over and over and over again you are worthless. What are you doing here? Just go. Just leave. And that story is a lie. It's the roots of that story that we feel. We begin to think through new things. Then we begin to practice new ways of life. And hey, let's be honest. if you get a house cleaner tell your husband to vacuum that may help too we'll be right back all right let's go out to wisconsin and talk to brett what is up brett hey john how you doing oh good i thought this was thought this was Brett Favre. And so good. No, I was actually named after him.

Of course. But never played football. I just assumed 85% of Wisconsin is walking around named Brett at some point. Followed by Aaron is the other name. Yeah, yeah. So what's up, dude? So I have a question for you. Um, how do I rebuild a solid relationship with my family after losing trust with them in the past? What'd you do?

So, um, last year, uh, right before Christmas, actually, I went through kind of a breakup. You know, it was, um, kind of, kind of somewhat my fault. I was a little bit of like, you know, a closet drinker in a way. Um, and, um, so there was like no trust. So it was kind of like, uh, um, kind of like, uh, okay, I understood, but I, I've never really been good with dealing with my emotions. So, um, I just kind of led to drinking a lot. Um, but the big thing that happened was, uh, um, I ended up going on like a week and a half long bender, uh, in front of my family. And, uh, it's just, it's something I'm ashamed of. And, you know, they tell me they love me and, and everything, but it's just, it's more of like a, my problem that I have a hard time, like believing that. Um,

and I was kind of wondering, like, should I sit down with them? Should I, um, like it wasn't like cousins or aunts or uncles. It was like parents and brothers. Um, what did you, did you do some, some things that you regret while you're on a bender? Um, yeah, I'd say so. Like I was kind of like swearing in front of my parents, which I never do that. Um, and like, just like I stole their car, you know, went to the car with it. Lead with that, dude.

I had a bender and I stole my parents' car. That's where we, it's like, well, I said some bad words, stole a car. Oh yeah. Yeah. Dude. Incredible. Yeah. No, I like, honestly, it's been a few months, so I laugh about it now.

I guess my dad didn't see it that way. Yeah. now. I guess my dad didn't see it that way, but, um, but I just, I want to be able to like, um, I don't know if I should like sit down and apologize with them individually and, and all that, you know? So I just all of a sudden become a closet drinker. And all of a sudden not feel safe talking through how you were feeling about things or being able to express emotions in a healthy way. Yeah. And my guess is that same love, that same, like,

and well, and also you didn't just overnight become a guy who lied to somebody that he loved and cared about, about his health and his drinking and his inability to be in contact with his emotions or feelings. Like that's a long history worth of life. So my question for you would be how much of this originates in that same family that saw you come unwound?

Like my parents don't drink at all. That doesn't matter at all. In fact, that can sometimes, I'll say it make it worse, but they're, they're going to decompress somehow. And it may have been on you.

Okay. See what I'm saying? Could you maybe elaborate on that a little bit? Yeah. So let's say your parents didn't drink. Let's say they were... I'm going to make something up here, okay? I don't drink. Let's say they were, I'm going to make something up here, okay? I don't know.

Let's say they were super, super strict religious people. And they had a core set of rules, one of which was you never drink. And you never swear. And real people of character and morality and whatever faith tradition, fill in your faith tradition of choice here.

Yeah, we're Christians, so. People who are going to make it in the end don't do this and this and this and this and this. And then Brett's just a kid. Yeah. And Brett does a kid thing And becomes Sacrificed on the altar Of those seven or eight or ten or forty

Different things that we don't do We're not allowed to do And at some point The rules become the favorite child The way we are The facade that we wear And at some point, the rules become the favorite child. The way we are, the facade that we wear is more important than making sure Brett knows, my brother, there is, my son, there is nothing you can do that I won't come get you. There is nowhere to go that I won't come get you. There is nowhere to go that I won't still love you.

That's not the message. The message is you do these 42 things right, then we'll allow you to sit here. And you know a great proxy for relationship, a great proxy for love, chemically speaking, is alcohol. It is a young boy's body screaming for somebody to connect with me because my parents

are connecting with their rule set over me. And so alcohol works, man. It works. Oh, yeah, I know. Yeah. And then alcohol works, man. It works. Oh, yeah, I know. Yeah. And then one day you can't hold it in anymore. And the dam breaks and the water bursts forth because you finally found somebody to plug into.

And she left too. Yeah. Now, I just made up a whole scenario. Just made it up. Okay. Did that ring true? Or you can be like, you're kind of an idiot. No, no, no. Yeah Now I just made up a whole scenario Just made it up Okay Did that ring true? Or you can be like You're kind of an idiot

No no no Um I uh I think A lot of it um Started When I was probably 18 And like

Kind of getting involved in like Construction No no no What happened before that? You played along before that in what way i didn't really like drink no i don't care about alcohol you're focused on alcohol i'm not i'm focusing on ways your body got to the next day what were your coping strategies? Uh, before alcohol. Yep.

Um, or let me say it like this. Straight A's can be a trauma response to being perfect. Can be a trauma response. Maybe like, um, I don't know. Like I always,

um, I always like to be the best, you know? Um, I guess. And I always, sometimes maybe like I would try to be the best, you know, I guess. And I always sometimes maybe like I would try to please people. I don't know. I guess I can't like think of an example of like in my childhood that I felt the need to feel that. Um, but, um, I mean, like we were, um, I don't know, like things were, um, you know, that's just how I like to be, you know? And yeah, I guess I, I'm not really sure.

Okay. So let's, let's transition to where we are now. How did you apologize or have you apologized after what happened at Christmas? No. And that's... Yes. Then you need to get in a car and go sit with your mom and dad. Okay. And if you have brothers or sisters there, you need to look across the table.

But do not go unless two things are true. Number one, you have a plan to stop drinking for good. Okay. And you are able to demonstrate, mom and dad, I don't drink. I've been going to these meetings. I've been seeing this counselor. I got in over my head and I became somebody I was not. Here are the steps I have taken.

And not because you're going to love me more, but I need y'all to know that your little boy is going to be okay. That's number one. Number two, don't go apologize until you mean it. And what I mean is don't go apologize to make yourself feel less guilty because then you're using them for to prop you up

don't do that okay go apologize to them because you hurt them and yes you're gonna feel sad and you're gonna feel

very sorry and you're gonna feel disconnected and that's all right it's good because you are. You messed up. Yeah. Yeah. No, I appreciate that. So that helps out a lot. The third thing I want you to do here is I don't want you to try to solve it for them.

I want you to ask them, mom, dad, brother, sister, I love you. And I'm open to whatever it takes to make this right. And this is submission. This is you taking a knee. And that's going to be hard for you because you're going to think, well, what if they tell me this? Or what if they say I can never, yep. It's part of restoring relationships. And if they give you something and they say, we want you to do this, this, and this, and you're like, I ain't doing that. Cool. Then you were choosing to walk away from this relationship. I don't think that's your heart. I don't think that's where you are. No, no, definitely not. I, it was actually like the one,

um, kind of, it was kind of like the one thing that like the one way I was that I'd never like wanted my parents to ever see me like you know blacked out drunk you know and like do things like that and you know like saying things in front of my brother that I really didn't you know like kind of an example like I was my brother doesn't really call me a lot and I was like in front of him and he was kind of an example, like I was, my brother doesn't really call me a lot and I was like in front of him and he was kind of telling me like, um, you know, we love you and stuff. And I was like, Oh, you never call me. You never do any of this. And I, I think he kind of felt bad, but I didn't really want to, I didn't know if I needed to like tell them that way. You know what I mean? So, um,

yeah, I think it's as simple as telling some folks, I got real, real drunk and I did some things and said some things that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. And I need you to look you all in the eye and tell you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hurt the people that love me the most.

Okay. And I had a problem with alcohol. Here's the steps I'm sorry. I hurt the people that love me the most. Okay. And I had a problem with alcohol. Here's the steps I'm taking. I had a problem with lying and dishonesty. Here's the steps I'm taking. From this point forward, here's who I am going to be. Not here's who I'm not. Here's who I am going to be.

And then just know that any one of them could say, yeah, screw you. They probably won't. But if you've ever listened to this show, you know I always say every relationship is a risk. Everyone is a risk. And so when you go to repair a relationship after you've hurt somebody, they can say, I'm done. You broke the circle. I'm out. And they get to do that. And it's going to hurt. But at least at the end of it all, you did the right thing. You retained dignity and respect even after doing things that were not dignified and

was not honoring of people. You did the next right thing. Then you took a knee and said, I hope you'll still love me. My guess is they're going to say, thank God we do. This is part of growing up and it's the worst part, man. But in person,

go make the visit. Don't do this on the phone. Don't do this via text. If you got to fly, pay for the ticket on your own and go fly. It's time to make this right. It's time to make this right. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, we're back with some sad news. Just got noticed just a few minutes ago, Tina Turner passed away, the great and mighty Tina Turner. So as a shout

out to her, Kelly does not have a Tina Turner tattoo because she is not cool enough. She actually went to the tattoo parlor to get one and the tattoo gun would not fire the tattoo. That is fair because I think you have to be pretty badass. For Tina Turner? Yeah. That's a level that I aspire to.

You'll get there. Try and- You're on a middling health and wellness podcast. So just keep on- So any day now. Any keep on. Keep on. Keep it on. So any day now. Any day now. Any day.

The song is a Tina Turner classic. What's love got to do with it? And it goes like this. You must understand, though the touch of your hand makes my pulse react, that it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl opposites attract. It's physical only logical. You must try to ignore that it means more than that. What's love got to do with it? What's love but a secondhand emotion? What's

love got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? I've been taking on a new direction but I have to say I've been thinking about my own protection. It scares me to feel this way. Shout out, Tina. Pour some out. We'll see you soon.