The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Had an Affair While I Was in Recovery

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

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I had struggled with a gambling addiction for a number of years. And when I started to enter recovery, I soon found out that my wife had been cheating on me with another guy. And I think we're both at the point where we wanted to regain trust with each other. Okay. Why now? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, taking your calls on your marriages, your emotional health, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes,

and it will take you right to the form. You can fill it out, or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, but Kelly prefers you to click the link in the show notes. All right, let's go out to Vancouver, British Columbia, and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up, dude? Hi, Dr. Deloney.

It's an honor that you're taking my call today. It's an honor that I get to talk to you, brother. What's up? Hey, hey, I am, I wanted to know. Sorry, I'm a little bit nervous. Okay, I'm going to hit you with it. Bring it. I have, I've struggled with a gambling addiction for a number of years and it ruined my marriage.

And when I started to enter recovery, I soon found out that my wife had been cheating on me with another guy. Long story short, we are still together, had stayed together, but we have not. worked on our marriage. And I think we're both at the point where we want to regain trust with each other and work on this. But I find myself always hesitating because things are good, but they're not great. So I just, I don't want to, I don't want to destroy that with anything else that's gone in my past or anything like that. So how do we regain trust together and rebuild this thing. Are you sober right now? Yes, I am. How long?

Seven years free of a gambling addiction. Man, I'd hug you if you're sitting right here. I'm proudy, brother. Thank you. Thank you. So you have been puttering along in your marriage for seven years post-recovery? We have. Yes. Why now? Why are you coming up to this line now? I think because I find myself because I started listening to you probably about a year ago and then six months I took steps in the right direction. We had some conversations, but nothing became of it.

I started a journal, went and bought a journal, a whole bunch of stuff in this journal, gave it to her, let her read it, and we had a quick conversation. She said, yeah, let's do this. I've never seen that. general again and it hurts and I'm just wondering if I should just move on. I mean that's a pretty quick leap. You know what I mean? I'm trying to even think where to start, brother.

Do you want to stay married to her? Are you done? I'm not done. I want to keep trying. Okay. Then the only path forward, and I don't say this lightly, you'll have one path. Okay. that is to clear the deck and say we need to build a brand new marriage are you in and as she says i'm in

then we're going to take two days out of our busy lives and we're going to draw up architectural blueprints and renderings of what our new marriage is going to look like and we're going to practice new ways of communicating to each other new ways of conflicting with each other new ways of sex, new ways of trust and safety, new ways of how we handle money together. We're going to rebuild it from the floor up. And what's awesome is y'all have chosen a lifeless surface level of marriage. That's what you all have chosen together. You all have co-created that.

The cool thing is that means y'all could choose something else if y'all are both in. Yeah. I don't know if she's in, but you're never going to know. You've not known if she was in for seven years. longer. Yeah. And by the way, she hasn't known that you're in. That's true.

And so nothing, nothing can be rebuilt in a marriage if there's not safety and trust. And safety and trust are things you practice. It's saying, here's what I want, here's what I like, here's what I need. Are you in? And what do you want? What do you need? What do you like? And this is you getting to see and know her and elizabeth.

allowing yourself to be seen and known, choosing to celebrate each other, even when you've got to look hard. And those three things, seeing and knowing and celebrating somebody gives you permission to challenge them. I know all that. I know all that, but I just, I can't bring myself to start those conversations. Why? Are you afraid she's going to look at you and leave? Definitely. Okay.

I'm very great. Listen to me, brother. Listen to me. So, please, please just stamp this on your soul. if that's the case she's already gone but I don't know that until I ask her you know she's not with you now and you know that you're not with her now

so you know the facade of your marriage as a puppet show you know that the question is do you want it to be different and are you willing to risk putting that on the table and she might say I want to be done with the show altogether or she might say thank God

I'm in. Do you have kids? Yeah, but they're all grown and moved out of the house now. Okay. Yeah. Are you still carrying tremendous guilt and shame from your gambling days? I'm working on that. Okay. It's a daily process.

I might be crazy, brother, but I'm hearing a subtext here that somehow you believe you are worth getting cheated on. You're correct. I don't, I'm working daily to not. I say daily, but I'm working on liking myself more. Okay. You can't work. Okay, I'm glad you said that. This is super important.

You can't just think your way into liking yourself more. That's like trying to think your way into being confident. You become confident. You become somebody that you like because you're a person who does things that are likable. You become confident after a repeatedly. doing a thing to the point where you have some sort of mastery over it. And so you're trying to deeply respect a guy that you don't respect because you're not doing the things that you would look at and say, that's respectable.

Like being honest with your wife, like demanding respect and dignity and love from the woman you pledged your life to and who pledged her life to you. forgiving yourself for being sick for a long time. Being really damn proud of yourself for being sober for almost a decade now. Being willing to say, our new marriage is going to take some skills I don't have yet, so I'm willing to learn and practice. Are you in?

I can do that. I think you're worth it, man. I think she's worth it. I think your marriage is worth it. And if you go through this process, if you sit down and say, the marriage we had is over. I'm going to build a brand new one.

where we are both seen and known and celebrated and challenged where there's laughter and joy in this home, where you have your weird stuff, I got my weird stuff, and we create a weird thing together. Like, I want this and she looks at you and says, no, I don't. Then if nothing else, you have dredged the old Mississippi and the bodies have finally come to the surface. It doesn't bring him back to life, but at least you know. now there's an end. Yeah. Right?

And then we can actually get on to real grief. It's the middle ground that's killing you. The numb. Yeah, the avoidance. Yes. Game on. Game on. If she's in, I'll, um, I wish I, I'm not done.

I'm, I'm literally writing a book on this moment right now that I would hand you and say how to rebuild from square one. I's just not done with it yet. Sorry. Um, but, um, if she's in, I'm happy to talk to her too and give you all some step by steps on here's what we got to do. But I think for you guys, it's having that big initial conversation. And here's a couple of guiding questions. What do we want this thing to feel like? How can I love you today? And 10 years from now, what home do we want to be in? What do we want

that home to feel like? Do you still want to be with me? Do I still want to be with me? Do I still want to with you. We are the drivers of our life and for some point we're going to stop outsourcing it to something else and we're going to stop numbing out the fact that it's painful to drive sometimes. I'm going to take full ownership of my driver's seat, of my steering wheel. And for you rebuilding trust, you're going to have to put a path out for her to follow and you're going to have to say, will you walk this path so we can rebuild trust? And she's going to say yes and I need this from you so I can rebuild trust in you. And we're going on a decade now. So it sounds like y'all have either just kind of avoiding each other or I don't know what y'all are doing.

But let's put this stuff on the table. Let's find our path back to each other. Let's get in the same boat in row in one direction. When we come back, a man asks how to stop procrastinating. I got it, at work before he gets exposed. It's spring fishing season now and my son and I are out on the water. with our Montana Knife Company knives, especially the filet knives. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives rule.

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When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Company and they'll take care of it for you. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids are going to fight over one day. If you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last across anywhere you need knives, Montanaknife Company.com.com.com has what you need. Go to montanananknife company.com and see what's available right now. That's montananinife company.combe. All right, let's go out to Ottawa, Ontario.

Oh, this is so hard. Fabian, you there, brother? Hi. Well, I'm, I think like most of you guessed, a little nervous, but grateful to be on the call. It's good, but man, we can't let this. elephant in the room going to dress. We're just like 48 hours after the big hockey game. Oh,

I watched it. Yeah, disappointing. Disappointing. Credit to you guys. But hockey is Canada's game and we could have won the gold. That's the most amazing Canadian kind answer ever. Well played.

Well done. Sure. Whereas, like, Kelly was running around her neighborhood like in denim and a bikini top screaming USA! Like, so, well done on being a gentleman, good man. Well done. Oh, thank you. So what's up?

Yeah. So this is something I've struggled with for quite some time now. And I'm feeling kind of stuck with it. But I'm having a hard time coming into work and putting in an honesty's work. And so I kind of distract myself with games. And I find that you when I had days that are less structured with, you know, less meetings and whatnot, less commitments like that, I tend to kind of waste more time.

And it's really kind of getting to a point where I'm just getting really tired of this. and but somehow can't seem to, you know, do something to get me out of this, you know. Is your work piling up on you to where you know it's going to all be due over a long weekend that's going to cost you 48 hours of your life and drama and all this kind of stuff? Or is it, are you working at a job that, like, honestly is meaningless? No, no. I'm in a, so I own a business. And so I'm actually, it's kind of my career development has been such where the business has grown and I'm less involved in the day to day. And so my role is now kind of more forward looking.

And so that means I get less emails. I'm just less involved day to day. And therefore. So why don't you, why don't you have a, where do the burning videos? vision for where this thing could go disappear to? Yes. Yes, I have parts of a vision, and that is something I'm working on. But I do find that this does impact the deliverables,

that I, my commitments to my, you know, senior leadership team and other staff in the business. I just, I kind of have a reputation of just not being overly reliable. with my deliverables. God, oh, why doesn't that keep you up at night? Say that again?

Like of all the thing, maybe this is just my personal bias. Like, I have a reputation for being late. I have a reputation for being silly. I have a reputation for making jokes at inappropriate times sometimes. Yeah.

But, man, I take being reliable very seriously. like that to me is can I count on that guy yeah he might be 10 minutes late but I can count on that guy and when he gets here it's going to be a game you get what I'm saying yeah is so like what is it about like you have a leadership team that report to you and they're like yeah our boss is a flake how have you gotten to a place where that doesn't bother you anymore it is it is and you know it's it um i you know i i conduct my day and um where i i would not tolerate this from my senior leadership team of course and that's my point is you tolerate it from yourself that's right yes exactly which means at the end of the day you recognize yourself as untrustworthy

yes which is a indication of depression of anxiety of some sort of of challenges. Yes, exactly. And I come home from work, especially after a bad day, where I'm frustrated, I'm taking it out of my family. And I just, yeah, so there's some self-loathing that comes with it. And I, you know, I kind of imagine where I would be if I wasn't, you know, struggling with this.

and so, yeah. And it's just strange because it is a bit of a dichotomy. I have a great, and I'm married to my best friend. I have three healthy boys. The business has grown a lot. I'm building an addition to my house. I have so many good things going. I know.

You do on paper, but you feel dead in your own skin. Why? Yes. Why? And that's something I've wondered about listening to your videos. I've kind of come to understand that. Where is your sense of aliveness? What is it around?

Well, and honestly, brother, listen, it might be nothing. It might be that you need to go talk to somebody. I've been there. I am. Okay. Yeah, I am seeing somebody at you to better help. So thank you for that. All right.

Yeah. Yeah, I just started, so it's early days yet. That's right, that's right. And my guess is you might end up, given what you're telling me, I don't want to cast any shadows over you. My guess is you may need somebody in person to sit with for a season. Okay. But what you're, I don't want to make wild guesses.

Was your childhood pretty rough or is it pretty good? It was pretty good. Yeah, a very kind of religious family. I was homeschooled. Okay. So I had a lonely childhood. That's not good. That's not good.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Often, it's a very common story, a very common heartbreaking story, one that I participated in myself, okay? This idea that when I get these things, then I will look in the mirror and be okay with the person I see. and it's a tale as old as time. It goes back to the old Jim Carrey quote.

I just wish everybody could get rich and famous for a minute so they could see it solves nothing. I've bought it. It sounds like you've bought it. We all bought it. If I can just get this thing and then you get it and you realize, oh, I went with me. And I got to deal with. Why do I not like that guy I see in the mirror? why is the voice in my head so incredibly awful to that guy I see in the mirror?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, yeah, and I kind of, you know, another eye fits in my life, too, right, where, you know, I don't have a good morning routine. I'm not exercising regularly. I do some stress feeding. And it's, yeah, so there's. It's a constant, being in a constant state of negative self-talk. Which just leads to negative self-action, which leads to more negative self-talk.

It just becomes this big recursive loop and you wake up and your wife doesn't want to be around you and your kids avoid you and you're 40 pounds overweight and your board is thinking about ways to get rid of you. Yeah. And the damning thing is those things just confirm the original story that started all this, which is you're not good of what you do and you're pretty much unlevel. They just haven't found out yet. Yeah. And so you have to go up river and challenge that initial story. Sometimes it helps to find out where that story comes from. And if you grew up in a super strict religious household that was more concerned with performance than relationship, then that's often a place people start.

Right. Yeah. I'm inherently unlovable. I can find some lovability if I will sing and dance in just the right way. and I'll do that the rest of my life until one day you stop singing and stop dancing and you are able to internalize I'm worth being loved just because I'm here

and that paradoxically frees you to go do amazing things because you're anchored into something way bigger than yourself and your jet fuel is not self-loathing not hate it's striking because I have I have a great wife

and I have boys that obviously think I'm their hero and and I just I don't know if I'm able to fully enter into that and fully be present to them and take that in stride and run with it you know like it's I just yeah I just don't understand it so I want to challenge you to

A you're doing the work to begin to understand it, okay? But I want you to commit. And I know what I'm asking you is nuts because you're calling saying, I'm struggling with the commitment part and I'm saying, all right, I want you to commit to something.

And I know that's hard, okay? And I'm risking, piling on yet another thing in your will barrel of, I'm unlovable. I don't have any worth. I just haven't been found out yet. My boys haven't fully found out.

My wife hasn't found out yet. My business is starting to, kind of figure it out. My clients haven't figured it out yet. But I know the truth. And so all of this begins with you challenging what if you're wrong on that chief story? What if you're a pretty great husband? And what if you got you got room to grow like we all do? But what if you're a good dad? And what if you're in a funk professionally and you need to shake the snow globe a little bit, but the work you do is actually good. And I'm never, ever going to give somebody the opportunity to say that guy's not reliable, right? That comes from changing the story. But I

want you to take action, and you'll get to the understanding down the road, but I want you to take action. Are you in? Yes, I'm in. I'm ready for those. Here's a few tips, okay? I want you to put massive hurdles in front of you and behavior you want to start. stop and I want you to commit to the hurdle for 30 days. What does that mean? Delete every game off your phone. Delete the internet off your phone if you must. Leave just your Ways app and your debit card you're spending.

That's it. But make it insanely hard for you to do these things that are sucking your time and your soul from you. Yeah. Put some shorts. Well, you're in Canada. it's zero. So put a fur coat. I don't know,

I don't know which y'all work out in in the wintertime. But put your, you know what I mean when I'm saying this, put your running shoes right by your bed at night. Yeah.

Yeah. Write your wife a letter that tells her how much you love her and read it to her. Tell her specific things that you're grateful for about her. Do the same thing with your boys. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'll do that. The next thing I want you to do is I want you to break this stuff up into small rewards, okay? What big project do you have working right now? An export opportunity. Okay, what does that mean? You sound like Art Vandalai from Seinfeld.

Like, what is it, what's an export opportunity? Okay, no, fair enough. Yeah, so we, most of our businesses in Canada. And so I want to explore. what export opportunities are for us to start to grow outside of Canada. Okay. Are you the right guy for that? I'm the right guy to start the process and to kind of build a clear kind of vision for what we can do there.

And then it's better at that point for me to hand it off to the team. Okay. But are you the guy to go get that? Now that you have a vision. I want to explore this. Is there somebody you can hand that baton to earlier that you look at and say, I want 50 leads by next month? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, not at fifth point. No. Are you positive? Not somebody currently in our organization, I would say. Is there a consulting company you can call? Yeah, I am getting some help from somebody outside the business for sure. Okay. There is somebody who's kind of doing some of that X's and O's part of that project.

So, yeah. So sometimes procrastination is actually a, I'm finishing up a book right now. I've got several chapters left. And they're completely mapped out. And what that means is the rest of, for the next month, I'm just in a grinding mode. There's no more discoveries to be made. there's no more excitement to be had. Right.

I just have to take what's on that outline and put it on the piece of paper. And that's a beating. And so sometimes I procrastinated during the outlining part because I was stuck trying to pull different ideas together. Right?

So sometimes procrastination's about a skills issue. I don't know how to do this thing and I just don't have the courage to say it out loud. Right. I don't even have the, I don't have the wherewithal to realize. that I don't have what it takes.

And sometimes this is so boring, I just have to do it. And so if that's the case, I'm going to break it up into really small things. I'm going to write for 30 minutes and then I'm going to put it down and go lift weights for a second. I'm going to write for 30 more minutes, then I'm going to go do X, Y, Z. I'm going to write for two hours, and I'm going to watch this show. I'm going to break it up. Do you have anyone who hold you accountable? I've started a little accountability group for weight and eating.

Actually, I joined one. I joined it. And so I have that going. And yeah, so that's... Do you think you're worth losing weight? Yes. Are you worth feeling good? I want to.

Sorry. Are you worth feeling good? Yes. Okay. Yes. How old are you right now? 44. Okay.

I want you to write 54-year-old you a letter today. Okay. I don't want you to read it to your wife. And this is a love letter to your 54-year-old self about the things you're going to do right now so that your 54-year-old self has the kind of life that you want him to have. And it will be big things. I'm going to take care of my health. I'm going to focus. I'm going to refocus on my marriage.

I'm going to double and triple down my relationship actions with my kids. And it will be little things. I started picking up one extra chore a day. because I'm so grateful for my wife I wanted to show her in action. I started going to breakfast with one of the boys every week so I got one breakfast

with everyone at least once a month. Yeah. I committed to one project every two weeks and I also committed to clear my calendar off at work and hiring some more help or whatever the things are.

But little bitty action steps towards the way. I deleted all the apps off the phone forever. And I have to feel the discomfort of boredom and of the life I've created that I took away all my off ramps for numbing devices. So now I'm stuck in the life that I've

created. And I'm going to begin creating excitement and adventure and play and love and connectivity inside this current life and not live a crappy dull life that I don't love, even if it pays well, even if it makes me feel whatever, not going to live that life and survive by numbing off ramps. I'm grateful for you, ma'am. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I think that's important. There's a lot of stuff going on here, ma'am. I wish we had more time just to hang,

but I see a lot of good in you, brother. And my dream and hope and prayer for you is that you begin to see it in yourself. You're going to see it through a bunch of tiny little actions. You're worth every one of them. All right, when we come back, a man asks how to talk to his parents about their isolation without sounding critical.

It is spring, and some of my favorite days are out on the water with my son, my daughter, even my wife joins us sometime when we are fishing. My son is this incredible fisherman. I'm super jealous. But listen, the two of us just casting our lines and spending time together or our whole family out fishing together, it's amazing. And if you fish, if you go outside a lot, you know the glare on the water can be brutal. You're trying to see where the fish are, and by the end of the day, your eyes are cooked. And that's why me and my son both wear shady rays fishing sunglasses.

They're polarized, which means they cut the glare and actually let you see into the water. Not just the surface, into the water. Let me say this. I've lost or broken more sunglasses than I care to admit. And shady rays has lost and broken protection. So if something happens, they will replace them. This means I'm not stressed about wearing them out in the middle of a lake or on a creek or anywhere. They look great and they're not stupid.

So if you're a fisherman or a fisherwoman and you love being out on the water, get sunglasses made for fishing. And while you're there, check out their entire collection of amazing sunglasses. Me and my family each have several different pairs of Shadyray glasses and they are awesome. Head to Shadyrays.com and use code Deloney for 40%. You heard that right, 40% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. That's Shadyrays.com. use code deloney. All right, let's stay right here in Nashville and talk to Ross.

Hey, Ross, what's up, man? Good, how are you? Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's up, brother? Hey, yeah, I kind of want to just get your insight, basically, on a situation with my parents. Basically, over the past several years, I've just seen them kind of isolate and cut off a lot of friends in their life. and it's kind of gotten to the point where really their only consistent community is my wife and I.

And so I'm just curious, should I even kind of try to address it with them? And if so, how would be the best way to do so without coming from like a critical standpoint? So are they cut off siblings? They've cut off family members, church members, like who have they cut off? Yeah, a little back story. Basically, I grew up in church. both my parents are pastor's kids. So they're in church.

So they're insane. Good. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to know the college shorts.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. So they grew up in church. They raised me in church. I'm in church now. And with my wife. And I love that.

And growing up, they were pretty involved with like their Sunday school group, had pretty consistent friends and in fact, like best friends. But I feel like once I started going to college, Whenever I was back on break, I just felt like it was kind of a consistent thing of, oh, we're not seeing these people anymore. We're not talking to these people anymore. They said or did something that we don't like. Never giving like a specific reason. And it kind of ultimately led up to, I mean, two years ago, they were going to a different church than when I grew up in.

They're close with a pastor and his wife, you know, dinner, board games. But they told me to years ago, like, oh, we're not going to that church anymore. I was like, oh, something happened. And they were like, no. We, the pastor had like a surgery and we texted him like praying for you or whatever. And he never texted his back. And I was like, that's it. Yeah, I know.

So, yeah, so now it's been two years that there, you know, no church. They not really, they don't really have any consistent friends or any of that are like close by. So how old are you, brother? 29. Okay. Yeah. What is... Do you have kids?

No, no, yeah. Okay. What is your relationship like with your dad? When it comes to big conversations like this. Could you go have a question about you, like, and I'm being serious when I ask this, so just tick them off, yay or nay. Could you have a conversation with your old man about your sex life right now? No. Okay. Could you have a conversation about you and your wife are struggling? Not any deep struggles. I don't believe so, no.

Could you have a conversation with him if, with your son, if you have a baby? Yes, I believe so, and to that sense. My parents definitely love me, but we don't go very... Okay, and that's what I'm getting at. So if you have a relationship, and I know, people healthy or unhealthy doesn't matter like i know people who are super tight with their parents and sometimes it's very unhealthy and sometimes their parents are just unicorns they're just amazing they can hold space for stuff right yeah and that's a that's awesome just very few people have that and it is what it is um so if this is a conversation that would be otherwise out of the depth of your normal interactions, then A, you have to put that on the table.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. And that way nobody gets caught off guard. Right. And the second thing is the conversation always has to be a care and concern conversation, not a, here's how it affects me, conversation. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. And you have a great opportunity right now, like all of the aging data says relationships into later years is one of the most, if not the most important thing except for sleep. And so being able to say, dad, I keep reading these articles and I have to tell you as your son, like I'm starting to get worried. And also I can be overdramatic. Could we have a big conversation, right? And in that little sentence you've addressed,

I'm reading stuff. A, I'm and B. I care about y'all. C, I'm self-deprecating, so I give you a pass. I'm coming to you for wisdom because you're my dad. And D, would you have a big conversation with me? Okay. And I think I want to approach it from a position of like I care. Because otherwise, like I would just be like, you know, I don't have, I wouldn't have

the conversations because I could just, you know, the logic side of it is like, well, they've chosen to kind of cut these people off. Yeah. easily offended or whatever. I think where my hesitation comes in is like we're very different and like they are generally kind of emotionally driven, both my parents, and I'm not.

And so it kind of comes, and I'm more of just a direct guy naturally. So it just comes off like I'm lecturing, but I'm not trying to. What's so beautiful about what you just said is that's what you lead with. I'm going to take any possibility for me to be misunderstood, especially because of me.

I'm going to put that on the table first. Okay. And you can approach it from health, you can approach it from loneliness, you can approach it from worry, you can approach it from, you're just down the road for me, wisdom-wise. Can I ask you a wisdom question?

As you're getting to be 30 years old, you see your friends changing. Some of them are having kids, some of them aren't, some of them are already getting divorced, some of them have the best marriages ever, right? Like, how have you and my, mom navigated having friends. I see that y'all have had friends over the years, but y'all end up

cutting them off over time and letting him just teach you about their, and you might find, dude, your mom's crazy. Sorry, right? It might be your mom wants to hang out of these people, but I refuse to, right? Yeah. And that might be the crack you need for a, well, dad, I'm worried about you. Okay. Yeah. Or you might not get a crack at all, and you go back to your wife and you're like, oh, we're going to have to draw boundaries. Yeah. Because we can't be their entire emotional support system. Yeah.

And I mean, to be fair to them, it's not like they're making me feel guilty about things or they're constantly like, you know, bang at the door. Part of it may be just me feeling guilty of like we have friends. We have our own active life or whatever in my parents. Like, hey, you want to go watch a movie? And I'm like, no, can't. Comes already in schedule. But like I want that for them as well for their own community.

So I feel like I've said this 10 times in the last three weeks. And so if people are listening to these shows in order, they're going to be like, he just said that last show and just said this. So Dr. Kennedy, Becky Kennedy, I've had her on the show before. She's a psychologist out of New York. She gave me a great new definition for guilt. Can I pass it along to you?

Yes. So she says what we often call guilt is not. guilt at all. Guilt is a feeling. It's biology, right? It's biological, but it is a, our body's response to our violation of our own core values. And in that regard, it's a good thing. It's alerting us to, you have done something out of alignment with who you say you are and or what you need to be in this community. Okay. And that's a good thing. Yeah. What most of us call guilt is somebody we care about has uncomfortable feelings and we want to take them from them and try to solve them for them. And so asking yourself, is it a core value violation for you to go

commit to dinner reservations with your friends and go out and honor those reservations? No. Is it a core value violation that you don't spend every evening with your parents? No. And so when you quote unquote feel guilty for saying I already have plans, what you're in effect doing is reaching over and saying, hey, I'm going to take y'all's feelings of loneliness. I'm going to take your feelings of isolation. I'm going to take the choices y'all have made,

and I'm going to try to solve them for you. And I can't solve them, so I'm just going to carry them and impact my marriage, impact my friendship, relationships, and kind of ruin the dinner I'm going to have right now. And so part of owning guilt is when your body says, hey, this is a violation,

that's a good thing. It should happen. You should feel guilty when you violate your core values. But I'm going to make a commitment to not try to carry other people's emotional challenges. That's theirs.

Those are their feelings, their emotions, their responses. Okay. And so if your parents have made choices, they've made choices, I can be sad for them. I can't feel guilty for them.

I'm doing the next right thing. I haven't violated my stuff. Now if you start lying to them, all right, now I'm violating my core values. I feel guilty for them. lying, right? Or if I stop taking their phone calls, like I believe honor your father and mother, pick up the phone,

talk to your parents for crying out loud, right? So when you sort of violating your core values, then you should feel guilty. But man, I'm just not going to, I can't carry your stuff too. I got enough of my own, right? Yeah, yeah. That's fair. Okay,

that's good kind of division between the two family. So, I mean, should, I get just getting your opinion, Should I even approach them about it to begin with? Like, do you think this is something that would be a necessary, I don't want to say the word necessary, but just like a good in their life or is me,

this me just kind of encroaching on taking that responsibility upon myself and just like, I mean, it goes back to core values. I, a, I've got almost strangely competing core values. I don't speak unless somebody asks me a question, and I don't speak if I don't think I can be heard. heard and I will intervene without invitation if I think somebody's hurting themselves or others. And so sometimes those compete.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. And in this case, you may leave with nothing tangible, but your dad may go to bed at night thinking, man, that was kind of dumb. If you smile and you're like, you didn't go back out with your friend because they didn't text you back after he has surgery? Surely there's more of that.

Yeah. And your dad might say, nope, he didn't, and be like, really? Yeah. My friends never text me back, but they would storm the gates of hell for me. And it might be that sentiment, that plants a seed that he's like, ooh, maybe I overreacted.

And you might call back in three weeks and they're all having dinner again. And so you might not get the thing like, you're right, son, you're, I'm so glad. That might not happen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because, yeah, like you said, the core values thing, it was just, I see, they may not be, like, physically hurting themselves, but they're hurting, in my opinion, their own lives and the fact that they're choosing kind of their own personal offense over a tenant that was, yeah, that they instilled in me. Yeah. And so I guess it's part of the reason. I'm like, you kind of betraying your own things, you caught me.

I know, dude. It's way easier to make your kids do something. It's way harder for you to do it. Yeah. I found myself the other night, like, telling my kids like, hey, quit eating so much junk. And I was literally holding an Oreo when I said that. And I was like, my son goes, really? And I was like, yeah, this is bad look. I'm sorry, y'all want to Oreo.

Like, I mean, it was, I was just, it was, I don't know. I've seen somebody flying by me driving like they're drunk, holding their phone, and trying to text while they're driving. And I've been like, put down your stupid phone while I'm holding my phone. Like I, well, I'm holding my phone, right? So, yeah. I mean, there's truth to that. There's truth to that.

Yeah. But I don't know. It sounds like you love your parents enough that it's like, I want to have this conversation. And it's not about, I don't like y'all calling me. It's not, there's not some deep self-centered motive here. This is, I know I care about them. And I'm watching them slowly isolate more and more and more. And I just want to make sure they're okay.

And I think that's worth a conversation. Thanks for loving your parents. man. We'll be right back. Hey, I want to talk to you for a second about love and not the Titanic, I'll never let go, kind of nonsense love, right? I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you. I'm talking about term life from Zander insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids, anyone, you need term life insurance. My wife and I trust Zander for term life insurance. I've used them for years long before I started this show for one reason.

I trust them. When it comes to turn life, here's the deal. You should get coverage of 10 to 12 times your income because that gives your family real protection. So if and when the unthinkable happens, your family can spend their time grieving, not worrying about where their next meal is going to come from. Zander makes buying term life insurance so easy. They give you clear guidance and honest support. They help you figure out the right amount of coverage for you and your family, then they shop all of the top companies across the globe to find you the best price. Getting term life insurance is a way of saying I love you, especially when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to zander.com or call 1-800-356-4-2-8-2 and get term life insurance the right way. That's zander, z-a-n-d-r.com. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? What do you think?

All right, so this is from Clara in New Orleans, and she writes. Hold on, what's our verdict on the name Clara? I like it. I didn't know what was up for debate. I like Clara. It's one of those older names, I think, that is beautiful. Like, I think if I met somebody named Clara, I would double take just on the name. Tell me about that.

It's not quite Sloan. Yeah. There's no double-taking with Sloan. Sloan is such a cool girl. We are packing up and taking off. Yes. But Clara, I like Clara. I think it's very pretty.

And Sloan would drive like a cool retro V-DV. bug van or a truck. Sloan drives a truck and has a sleeve. I'm going to get, okay, I'm going to get in trouble. Okay, go ahead. All right. Talk about Clara. So let's talk about Clara.

She is writing to ask. So myself, 28-year-old female and my ex-boyfriend, 32-year-old male, were together for two years and broke up seven months ago. We were very much in love and both wanted children, but I refused to start a family with someone who was self-medicating with alcohol and not ready to face the traumas in his life or go to therapy. I broke up with him, but deep in my heart, I have always believed that we would find our way back to each other. Last month, I heard through friends that he has started going to therapy for the first time and has continued going every week since. However, last week,

I met someone who asked me out on a date. I have not been on a date since the breakup, and I really want to go, but I'm not sure that it would be fair, both to the new guy and to my ex. Would I be the problem if I went on the date, even though I have a deep desire for my ex to get sober so that we can eventually get back together. No, not a problem. Go on the date. Go on the date and a date is not a promissary note. A date is two people deciding we're going to have a good time together this evening. We're going to get to know each other, especially on date one. So, no. Do you think so? Oh, I don't think she's the problem at all. Yeah. Yeah, go on the date. And also, you never know. You might find that. That's what I like, yeah. But, oh, I don't think.

Oh, this is what kindness feels like. This is what safety feels like. This is what a regulated nervous system feels like. And it might be that what you're feeling is not like an 80s metal song. Like, love will find a way. It's less that and more I miss the idealized version of what we had. And now I've got a flesh and blood new guy. Or in her case, what I think we'll have.

It's not even what I thought we had. That's a good call. It's a fantasy of what will be. He just does everything that I want him to. And that never works out that way, ever. Go on the date. Go on the date. And commit to having a good time on the date.

You're not violating anything of anybody in any way. Let us know how the date goes. Now we're all invested. And if he says he has an ex-name Sloan, it's not going to work out. Because he's never going to let Sloan go. I'll let you go.