The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A husband who just found out about his wife’s affair ·      A woman unsure how to talk to her fiancé about his weight ·      A woman wondering if she should quit her job for her upcoming marriage Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My wife and I, we've been married for a year and a half. She's been having a physical and emotional affair with one of my coworkers. And my coworkers, that happens to be a lesbian and kind of- Forget your coworker for a second. What about your wife, dude? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking to people all over the world about challenges and their relationships, their mental and emotional health, all kind of crazy things in this world that we're all trying

to figure out how to navigate. It feels like every day the news gets wilder and wonkier and just hard to figure out what's the next right move. And that's what this show is about. Real people going through real challenges. If this sounds like something you want to be a part of, I'd love to have you go to johndelloni.com slash ask A-S-K and you fill out the form on the internets and it will go to Taylor or Kelly and they will help build the show and holla back at you if they want to have you on the show. I'd love to love to

have you. Let's go out to Panama City Florida. Panama! Talk to Derek. What's up Derek? Hey Dr. Deloney. What's up homie how we doing? I've been better. Oh what's up Derek? Hey, Dr. Delaney. What's up homie, how we doing? Oh, I've been better. Oh, what's going on man? So yeah, my wife and I, we've been married for a year and a half and just around our anniversary time. Well, two weeks ago I found out, but I found out that around our anniversary time,

a one year mark that she's been having a, a physical and emotional affair with one of my coworkers and, um, uh, my coworkers that happens to also be a lesbian. Um, one of those like looks like one talks like one things like one type of, um, chicks and, um, what does that mean? Um she you know she's on testosterone she you know kind of she's a woman who thinks and acts and looks like a dude really But your wife your wife is with her now No, so when I found out it was pretty much like They were kind of seemed like they were breaking up like they're ending their relationship

part of my co-worker feeling guilt and And kind of forget your co-worker for a second, what about your wife dude Yeah, I mean she Yeah, she also was feeling guilt about it, but she seemed like she was pretty emotionally involved with this person through all the, for everything that I saw with them. Okay. How old are you, man?

How old are you? I'm 36. 36. Is this your first marriage? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm sorry this happened, man. Yeah, me too. It kind of was unsteen and kind of just blew up. It's been going on for three months and I

just found out a couple weeks ago. Yeah. So what's your next move man? How can I help? Well yeah, so the reason my call is, I guess, how do I, do I tell my supervisor at work, how do I confront this other person or tell her I know, how do I talk to family and get insight from them? How can I give my wife a second chance, knowing that within a year of us being married, that she's already been lying and cheating on me, you know, I

In this first year Well throughout other discoveries I found out about all this because I went through her phone One night and I found out that um, there's like certain red flags and stuff other stuff would be that there's like certain red flags and stuff. Other stuff would be, she went places that she didn't tell me. She'd say she was doing one thing and went other places. But I mean, for the most part, this was like a big lie. Other things would be like turning off her location.

I couldn't see like where she's going. Kind of a little like deceitful acts like that. She doesn't want to be married to you, man. Yeah, I mean. I hate to say it that blunt, dude, but, but is she spinning? Is she spinning money like crazy too? I found out that. Yeah. Yeah. She was spending money like crazy.

She was spending, she was sending money to people telling it was two family members when she was really buying other stuff with it. Yeah, brother, she doesn't want to be married, man. She's obviously right now going through a whole apologetic phase. She did mention she kept in touch with she stays in touch with her ex husband and um, who cheated on her ironically. And she says that, um, you know, to the texts that I saw that she wants to talk to him about divorce, but mainly because like I want to, I want kids.

And recently she said that she doesn't want to have kids and questioning her, you know, she's brought up that she's bisexual recently and she's kind of she told me that she was giving me signs and all this but there are close into a nausea. Yeah, she doesn't want to be married to you, man. You can cloud it up and convoluted as much as you want. She doesn't want to be married to you. You can cloud it up and convolute it as much as you want. She doesn't want to be married to you. So you don't think there's a second chance of just really

giving her like she's she admitted she screwed up and that there was a one time thing due to me not giving her the section of attention that this other person slightly gave to her. No, dude, it's madness and you know that. Yes, I believe couples can come back together, I do. But like she told you, she's been giving you hints for a long time, she didn't really wanna do this. Let me say it this way, she doesn't want the life that you want. You want to have a traditional marriage.

You want to have kids. You want to have somebody that doesn't cheat on you. You want to have someone that doesn't steal from the family funds and go who knows where. You want to be with somebody that you don't have to wonder where they are, no matter what they tell you because they lie all the time Yeah, and she doesn't want that life she wants to go where she wants to go sleep with who she wants to sleep with Not have any more responsibilities not disconnect from her ex. She doesn't want this life, man Yeah, I Mean, it's crazy to think of I know I, man. Yeah, I

Mean, it's crazy to think of I know I mean, you know, I know It's crazy. Y'all just went through this. How long have y'all been dating? We've been together for four years and married not married for about 14 months. Did she cheat on you or Dayton? No No, but I mean she she had the only crush that she really has against me or that she uses against me that kind of said that she lost trust in me and all that was while we were engaged and I was going to school, there was a, there was a girl in my class that was strictly only professional. We never, never communicated outside.

And the only thing I ever did was it was kind of a rough patch in our relationship and she was drunk all the time and I was kind of fed up with everything that was going on. And all I did was look up, I typed in this other person's name in social media. I saw that her account was private and that's all it was. I let a friend request her, I didn't message her, I just left it at that and then that night she went through my phone and saw that I was I guess curious about this other person I was in class with. Yeah dude that's not a violation of trust homie. It's not. That's just her looking for some way that she

can get out of this mess. I didn't even think about substance abuse. She's using all the time. Yeah. So here's the thing. You can do whatever you want to do. You're a grown up. You can plow ahead and just do life without some sort of radical change in what I would

call core character. Somebody who tells the truth. Somebody that doesn't, isn't running around hiding from emotion. Someone who believes in fidelity. Somebody who, if they say they're no longer married to somebody else, they stop reaching out to them and trying to hang out with them and telling them secrets about their current marriage. Without that man, I mean, you can hang on all you want, dude, but she doesn't want to be in this marriage, period. And just remember her words. I've been giving you signs. Yeah.

Now, as for, I, I, I don't, I don't know, man, you can go after your coworker or whatever. That was an act of betrayal if y'all were friends and coworkers or whatever, but I think that's a distraction. I think the problem is your wife yeah but I mean I guess I mean seeing this person now I mean we don't directly work but it would be through either passing or on on jobs or you know but I mean what's your boss your boss is it gonna is it against the company? I'm not I'm not sure I mean it'll probably mean a bit look really Be frowned. I mean people look down on her. I mean, she's trying to eventually promote and get a higher position and

Honestly, bro, I don't I don't think it's gonna I mean you can do what you're gonna do man. I Personally wouldn't spend my energy You can do what you're going to do, man. I personally wouldn't spend my energy sitting down and having a big conversation with my boss. In most companies in the United States, if you're good at your job, that's what they care about. And you can be with whoever you want to be with off company time. You can go do that, but I don't know what it's,

it's more likely to just make work really an uncomfortable place. It's already uncomfortable, obviously. You can burn whatever you want to the ground. That's your life. I think the bigger issue here is dealing with this woman doesn't want to build a life with you, doesn't want to be married to you,

and doesn't want, doesn't share the same values that you share. And that to me is the bigger, more honest place you find yourself. And I'm so sorry that it happened to you, man. I can't tell you what to do next. I can tell you I don't have a lot of faith in your wife. I've got zero faith actually. And I don't know how you build a marriage on a hundred percent lack of faith and trust. You can't. So unless

there's a major turnaround there, yeah man, unfortunately I think things are pretty tough for you right now. Thanks for the call man. Call me back anytime if I can help in any way. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bon Charge. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time, and that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights,

in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens, all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, EMF mat, all of it, all the time. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Boncharges Red Light Mask for skin

recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I just got the mask and I'm going to start using it soon so I can look beautiful beautiful Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. There's no creams or appointments It's lightweight and it's cordless go to bond charge.com Slash deloni and use coupon code deloni to say 15% that's B o m ch a r g e bondcharged.com slash deloni and use coupon code deloney to save 15% Go check them out It was just a few weeks ago that we all moved our clocks forward one hour. Yeah

Listen, I love the extra hour of daylight But dude losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family And it's when we lose that hour of sleep that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function, and my ability to just show up and be the husband and father I need to be. This is why I love my friends at Helix. My Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster

and sleep more deeply, so I wake up refreshed. I love, love, love it. I also know that a big reason why my kids don't fight me very often on going to bed is because they sleep in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back

or your stomach or your side, however you sleep, Helix has got you. Plus, Helix offers a 100 night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty so there's really no risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did and they'll help you find the perfect mattress in less than two minutes. Just go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today

and get 20% off site-wide for their spring savings event. That's 20% off everything at helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Please hit the subscribe button and go leave that five star review for me. It really helps out the show, helps put this show into more people's algorithms so that they can get some rational, honest talk about their relationships and their mental and emotional health, cutting

through some of the nonsense out there. Let's go to Appleton, Wisconsin and talk to Kelsey. Hey Kelsey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Nothing much, man. What about you? Oh, nothing much. I'm super nervous. It's all good. It's all good. What's up? Yeah, so, well, I have a lot of problems in my life, but I'll just get to the one that I... Pick three or four. Let's just start there. Pick one, pick one. Well, you can find me like a whole,

like a whole week's worth of shows about my life. But anyways, my question today is, how can I talk to my fiance about his weight without seeming shallow or too judgmental? I guess my first question is, are you being shallow and judgmental? I guess my first question is, are you being shallow and judgmental? I mean, I'm concerned for his health. Okay.

So, I mean, he's great in every other way. Like I couldn't have picked a better person for myself. But like, I think, like when we first got together, I was really attracted to the fact like I'm on a weight loss journey. I just lost 90 pounds. I go to the gym five days a week, you know, and even our first dates were like going to the gym and going for bike rides and everything like that. Um, but we moved in together about a year ago and all of that just stopped.

So he's gained all that weight back and then some, and I just, he has no motivation to do anything like work out with me, go for a walk with me, anything. So I just don't know how to like approach it and like, hey, you need to take control of your house, then I'm just worried about you. I don't wanna marry you in a month just to have to bury you in five years, as bad as that sounds. Hey, that's what you just told me. That's exactly how you say it.

Okay, I just... That's exactly how you say it. And by the way, if you weren't attracted to him, I wouldn't think you're being shallow either. Okay? You're allowed to be attracted to who you're attracted to. And I know that plays a part of Intuit, but my guess is, yes, he's gained, what, 100 pounds in a year?

That tells me he's got some significant other challenges going on in his life. Well, I've asked him if he wants to go to counseling with me, because I go to counseling every other week. And he says, no, like, there's nothing going on. And it just, it has caused, caused like some issues in our relationship. Of course it has. Of course it has. And by the way, I've never in my entire life, ever, met with somebody, sat down with somebody,

talked with somebody who gained a hundred pounds in a year that did not have some significant other challenges going on. Yeah. And you know that. Yeah. I mean, it's just like caused a lot of issues, like sexually. And like we went to Gatlinburg last year on vacation and just like, we couldn't do certain things because like, we can do the mountain coasters or the zip lines and I mean, I know that's all stuff, but like...

No, it's about a life you're building. And you have a particular life that you want to live. And the guy you started dating and guy you fell in love with would do those things and The guy now that you're about to marry For some reason has just cashed out on his health Yeah, and I just I think it's my fault honestly why because Well, I was diagnosed with with ovarian cancer last fall.

And so I just like, I don't know, it's like my... Kelsey, stop right now. Stop. I can't let you keep going with that. Yeah. Your ovarian cancer has zero to do with his 100 pound weight gain. Okay? Yeah.

We're going to be done with that conversation. It's not true. I just like, I don't want to make him feel bad because my whole life, my mom like would always be on me about my weight. It just has caused so much, I don't know, PTSD. That's what I think about constantly. It's like, is she going to tell me I look like I gained weight today? I don't want him to feel that way. I know, but this isn't about weight gain. This is about you're watching the man

that you love slowly, slowly kill himself. And I guarantee you, the light in his eyes has gone out, hasn't it? Yeah. Yes. That's what you're missing. The weight gain is the byproduct of, okay? It's the alarm bells that are going off. It's a number on a scale we can see it, but this tells me there's something, several dramatic things going on inside the heart and chest and mind of this guy. So, and I don't know what to do because I'm always just trying to make sure he's okay. Like, I know he just seems.

But he has to decide he wants to live a zestful, exciting, fun, rambunctious, adventurous life with his new wife. He has to decide that you can't force it. And your mom tried to shame you into it and you know that doesn't work. She tried to belittle you into it and you know that doesn't work. So the exact conversation you just had with me is what you have with him. We're a month out and I'm about to push pause on this wedding. Mm-hmm.

Because I can't commit myself to somebody who's not interested in living a full life. And I've watched you over the last year just give up on life. I just have so much like trauma in my life that it's scary. He's going to leave me like my last husband did or like... Kelsey, he might. Yeah. He might. And he also might say, thank God somebody saw me.

Yeah. But as you said, at this trajectory you're gonna bury him in five years so he's gonna leave anyway. Yeah. It's just so hard because, you know, like I just know how I feel I know but can I also tell you this he knows that there's a big Disconnection between the two of you he can feel it He knows yeah, and there's a big disconnect with my kids as well He's just he's there but it's like He's not there for them. Yeah But it's like he's not there for them. Yeah.

So I don't feel like it. Listen, listen, you have a lot of feeling. You see a counselor every other week. I think you should sit down with your counselor and say, okay, I need to have this hard conversation because I'm about to pause this because I can't be a part of somebody watching somebody just drown. And at some point, you're going to have to have some boundaries with him and you're going to have to say, Hey, you got to go see somebody.

You've got to get on a plan. You got to meet with a nutritionist because I'm not going to watch my husband die. I'm not going to watch my husband die. I'm just not going to watch that. I can't. And I'm not going to belittle you and beat you up and scream at you because that happened to me my whole life and I know what that feels like. And I know that, you know, nobody in the world knows, I mean, feels worse for this guy than he does.

He knows, he gets it. But if nothing changes, nothing's going to change. And it appears that he is unable right now to flip that switch. And so some big shakeup has to happen. And maybe you saying, Hey, I'm pausing the wedding. We're not doing this yet. We're going to put it out six more months. We're going to put out one more year.

But we got a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do because We have a lot of work to do. Cause I deserve to feel alive in my own home. My kids, I want them to have a dad and I want you to have a full adventurous life. You're worth that. So Kelsey, yeah, I know it's going to be hard. It's going to be scary.

It's all these feelings, all that emotion, but that doesn't mean just because it's hard or just because it hurts that it's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's all these feelings, all that emotion, but that doesn't mean just because it's hard or just because it hurts that it's not the right move. And I think you are exactly right. This is absolutely the next right move. Your friend is on a very scary trajectory and you're right to love him enough to say, I'm turning all the lights on. I love you too much. so just let this keep going.

And at the end of the day, you can't control him. He could leave, he could just say, forget it, I'm not doing nothing. Then you have to decide, am I gonna watch this man slowly drown or am I gonna step away? Because I can't force him to do anything. I'm so sorry you're in this position, Kelsey, but I'll also say, on his behalf, thank God he's got you.

And man, I hope he'll hear you. Sit down with your counselor and get some very clear talking steps and make sure you're clear about what you want to say. Write it down and then take him out and say, we're going to push pause on the wedding. Because I'm not all right and I know you're not all right. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times and I'm just gonna keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist, I think a lot of you probably should do. But let's be real, taking that Look, I see a therapist, I think a lot of you probably should too. But let's be real, taking that first step to see a therapist

can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment, maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy, maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you have tracker watches. Some of you just knit oil people. Some of you have tracker watches.

Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional wellbeing, we don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, better help makes therapy more affordable

and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit,

you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this, your wellbeing is worth it. You are worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Shreveport, Louisiana, write down old I-20 there and talk to Abby. Hey, Abby, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, thanks for calling me. I was just listening to your show this morning. Well, I appreciate you.

Hopefully it was a good show this morning. It was. What's up? Well, I currently work my dream job away from home, but I'm getting married in a couple of months and I'm worried about my ability to be the wife that I want to be While working off and I don't know at what point do I give up on my dream job? What is working off? What do you mean?

Uh, I work about two hours away from home and during the week I have to stay out of town And then I only get to come home on the weekends So can we can we say out of the gate, this is clearly not a dream job? The things that I could- It's a job that you like? Yes. Or it's a great job, but it does not give you the life you want?

No, it's like I have to sacrifice my personal life to have this work life that I want. And what do you want this work life for? I'm just really passionate about the work that I get to do. I get to work with animals regularly. I'm out in the woods every day. And so it's extremely fulfilling in that aspect, but I do have to sacrifice a lot of my personal life for that.

Okay. So you tell me, can y'all, what's the chances of moving closer? The only reason that that is not an option for us is my fiance makes a significantly more money than I do at this job. And his job is located two hours away from this one. So moving is just not an option because he would have to take such a significant pay cut for us to do that. Man, you guys have boxed yourselves in, haven't you? Yes, we have.

And both of our families live close to where his job is, and we are extremely close to our families and want to keep that. Our goal has always been to live close to our family so that one day when we do have kids, we're raising them with our village. Okay. So, is some of this, he knows who he married and he knows that you're out of town four days a week? Yes. Yeah, he knows. He's extremely supportive. My job is also his dream job. So, he's extremely

supportive and he understands why I'm doing it. The hope has been for me to eventually eventually get a job down in central Louisiana where we live. But it seems like that's not going to become a thing anytime soon because I've been waiting on some jobs to come open, but they've been canceled with a lot of the federal funding cuts and pushed back. So, yeah, that's a conservation nightmare. I've been reading up on that. It's wild, man. So I'm, what is it about your job that you love? I would say it doesn't even feel like I'm working when I'm at work. Like I get to trap and band ducks and respond to wildlife emergency calls.

I get to help landowners manage their properties so that they get quality deer herds. And I'm just, I'm outside and I'm having fun and I'm in the sunshine every day. Like it just feels like I'm outside playing every day, but it's work and I'm getting, I'm outside and I'm having fun and I'm in the sunshine every day. Like it just feels like I'm outside playing every day, but it's work and I'm getting paid for it. And I can't tell you how many times I've been working and I'm like, man, I can't believe I'm getting paid right now. Yeah.

Oh man. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have a good solution for you, sister. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I don't have a great solution. you sister I'm sorry I wish I did I don't have a great solution I mean it I think my most recent fear with it especially with all of these cuts is if I do leave my job so that I can be home full-time I'm afraid that I'll never find another biologist job again, especially not one that's this

fun, because a lot of the jobs in my field are, you're doing like a lot of soil work and plant work. It's not as wildlife based, but this job is extremely wildlife based. It's like I hit the jackpot with a biologist job with this one. Sure. Well, and I guess there's two things I would put on the table. One is nobody in the world, nobody saw a conservative Senate, House and presidency coming in and all of the resulting cuts to public land conservation. Nobody saw that coming. No, I definitely didn't. Nobody did.

In a billion years, nobody saw that, right? Right. I'm watching the most conservative people I know who are outdoorsmen just like in a panic, right? I'm reading up. Nobody saw that coming. Here's what I tell you that the job that you have Will still be here in 18 months 24 months 36 months

That's number one. I think it's the sense that like it's always gonna be here and All of your colleagues thought that too. Oh They thought that a month ago Right, right. So that's number one the second one is this one's unpopular, right? My still probably my top one or two favorite jobs ever of all time. Like the job I have right now is like a glitch in the matrix. It's not really okay. But like, yeah, exactly. It's, it's, it's silly. This is my job. Okay. I was a high school basketball coach

and a track coach. I loved it. And I coached cross country and then I went to basketball season and then went to track season. And I was unmarried. I had no kids. And so I got up at six o'clock. I had to be in my classroom by like six forty. So because the bell rang at seven ten or something god awful early. And I'd get home at midnight. And I think that was just my life. And I loved it. I loved it.

And I get to look back on it now in season as the great job that it was. It was a blast. I got to hang out with lots of amazing high school athletes, lots of amazing high school kids. I mean, it was just an amazing, coaches, I got to learn so much. It was a great time in my life. And it would be completely impractical now with the life I have now. Right. And that's what I feel like I'm moving on to a new season of my life with getting married and I have ideas of the kind of life I want to be. I want to be available, you

know, and I just, I see how much my job takes away from my personal life and this dream, this idea of what I have, of what I want my personal life to be. Can I tell you what I think about you? How old are you? I'm 25. I think you're a person, maybe I'm crazy. I think you're a person that will find joy at just about any job in the world. You know what?

My fiance actually told me that I'm a wildflower and I can grow anywhere I go. I think he's right. I just listening to you talk, you know what? It was so crazy, my next job, I loved it. And then the job after that, I loved it. And there's some parts I don't love that aren't fun about every job. Right now, Kelly is staring right at me.

I don't love that, right? But like, I think you're a kind of person that's just gonna have pretty much a great life where you go. What I don't want you to do is I don't want you to have a fantasy about this picture of what being a wife is gonna look like and then subsequently feel like. Right.

Then dump all that on your husband. Okay. Cause then you're gonna resent him that you're not out running around with deer. Right. Yeah. If you make this transition, I want you to take full ownership of it and there's going to be some sad parts to it.

Just because you miss your old job and grieve it, doesn't mean that you creating this new picture isn't of great value and it's going to be awesome. Mm-hmm. I agree. And you know yourself well enough to know, I probably will not be good sitting in a windowless office. Yeah, I would go crazy. Yeah, I go crazy.

So cool. But I don't know, I don't know, like joining a yard crew or joining a land management team up there in central Louisiana. Like who knows? But it won't be a, it wouldn't be a biologist, but man, you've got a skill set that would be amazing to ranchers, to city parks, to, I don't know, you could be the next Leslie Knope. I don't know. But you just feel like a person that's going to just be so full of joy wherever you go.

Well, I appreciate that. And I think that wherever I go, it'll be whatever I make of it. Yeah. I do agree with you saying that. But can we also say this? This is a pretty sweet gig you have. It is. It's all right to be really sad about it.

Yes. And maybe you're right. Like it is just a season of my life that I'll look back on and show photos to my kids and be like, look how awesome your mom used to be. Well, hopefully I'll still be awesome. You'll still be awesome. but instead of tagging ducks, you'll be all camo'd up and you'll be like, well, now we're hunting them, right? I don't know what you'll be doing. But like, I think it will be up to you to make sure I know what keeps me holding well, and that is being outside. Right. And I'm just, I've been doing this now for close to two years and I can feel, I feel

myself getting burnt out. The job duties that keep me going. Like that's the only thing that keeps me going. But as soon as I'm off the clock, I'm sad because I know I'm not going home. That's right. To my home. That's right. So let's do a couple of things.

One, let's exhale. What an amazing two years you've been able to have. You got a biologist dream job, you've been running around and it fit you like a glove, this particular job for this particular season. That's amazing. And you've decided, I want to have this other kind of life and it's not going to be compatible. I can't drive two hours one way to work. And so I'm going to grieve it.

I'm going to be sad about it. Maybe you and your husband have a ceremony, like a cheesy little ceremony. Like this is the end of this particular season. And now I'm going to work really hard to find an outdoor job, a job I can run around and it's not going to be as good, but we're not going to compare because we've got a much bigger world that we're trying to create now.

And when you have those moments where you feel sad or you see a whole bunch of deer on the side of the road, when you're driving in the middle of Louisiana, you can have that little lump in your throat, like, Oh, so fun. Or man, this, this, this particular field, it needs to have this kind of grass. Instead of this, you'll be able to do all that kind of stuff. But man, maybe you find yourself as a biology teacher and you are communicating to these kids like how amazing conservation is

and how amazing the outdoor world is. I mean, that's awesome. But you get to create the next season of your life. And dude, I just applaud you for being a person who finds joy and I applaud you for being a person who says I have a different picture for my life and it's gonna cost me the one I'm living right now. I'm gonna make that happen.

You're amazing, Abby. Amazing, amazing. Hang on the phone. My wedding gift to you is we're gonna hook you up with all the questions for humans, for couples, for you and your fiance,, as he becomes your husband. Also, hang on the line, I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, Work Your Wire to Do.

It's got a survey in there, like an inventory to see what kind of jobs you might be interested in and it might be a good way for you to start exploring new careers with the passions that you already have. So hang on the line here. I'll hook you up with those gifts. Congratulations and thank you for brightening up our show a little bit today. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional

about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily

practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free.

So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to Hallow.com for free. Alright, we are back. I have a money and marriage question here. Here's the question. Our son and daughter-in-law live about four and a half hours from us. She is his whole world, which we agree should be his first commitment. However, while they spend time with her family almost weekly, uh oh here comes the scorekeeping,

we are lucky to see them two to three times a year. All calls are initiated by us. We're always very open with communication prior to their marriage, but since then we feel like we've been shut out of their lives often. We've gently told them we love them and we wanna love and support them even though we are not nearby. We've shown we are more than willing to visit them, but we are never invited.

How do we manage resentment that keeps resurfacing mostly towards our daughter-in-law? Number one, get over yourself. Get over yourself. You raised an independent son who is off creating the life that you raised him to create. Get over it. That's number one.

Now number two, don't just get all the way over it, okay? I want you to pick up the phone and tell your son, I'm coming down to probably his dad. Dad, I'm coming down to probably his dad. Dad, I'm coming down to meet with your son. I want to take you to lunch, take you to breakfast, just us two and drive down and say, hey, I'm creating a whole bunch of stories in my head. Me and your mom are creating a whole bunch of stories

in our head. And I guess I just want to tell you, I miss you. And it's not your job to make us feel like we have purpose in the world or whatever, but we really miss you. And we miss how connected we used to be and we know that you're married and we know you've got a new life and we know all that we get all that. But man, we miss you.

What does it look like for us to visit? What does it look like? You've turned into a bad caller, a bad communicator. I'd love to talk to you, but I wanna feel like we're not invading on you. Like, what's the best way we can do this? We feel like behavior is a language. We feel like we're getting a message.

You don't wanna send your life. And maybe y'all are too much. Maybe he's finding a different level of peace with being around his new wife and her family. Maybe he just gets to exhale. I don't know. I don't know if you all show up and you're criticized and complain. If you're like, well, why are you doing this?

I don't know. Who knows? I don't know what the dynamic is. But if dad drives down and meets with his son, presence is a huge thing. And saying the words, hey, I've been making up all these stories over the last couple of years. I'm so happy for you and golly, I miss you, man. I miss you so much. The stories I'm making up are that like we drive you crazy. You don't want to talk to us anymore. And I don't want to be a burden, but also, man, we miss you.

Sometimes I wish you'd call your mom. Talk to me, bud. Talk to me. And that's how I'd approach it. In unspoken secrets, unspoken frustrations turn into those resentments. And that's not fair for his new wife. It's not fair because your son doesn't call you and y'all don't like calling him.

You want him to have to do the work. Fine, you can put those expectations on him, but if he doesn't meet them, blaming his new wife is simply unfair. It's not cool. I also want y'all to be reflective. Are y' all critical? Do you all show up and just sit on your phones the whole time?

Do you all show up and don't have any idea like, what do you want to do? I don't know. How are you all participating in his life? And then some of it is, yeah, man, this is kind of what happens. He goes off and begins his new adventure and maybe calls being initiated by you aren't such a bad thing. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. This one's tough, man.

The only way this gets solved is by people speaking face to face with each other and being humble and saying, Hey, I miss you. Hey, I'm making up stories. You sent this text and I interpreted it this way. Am I out to lunch? My story is y'all are making, I'm making y'all crazy. We've made you crazy. My story that we're making up is your new wife doesn't like us.

Is there ways, is there things we can do to become more likable? Cause we want to be around you guys. That's the way to have that conversation. Giving your son more chores as an adult as he's starting his new family is just a recipe for him to continue to isolate and go on about his life without you. Now it's time to have mano y mano. Two guys sitting down saying, I miss you, buddy.

How can we reconnect? Love you guys. Bye.