The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Had an Affair With My Cousin

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about:  ·       A young father trying to cope after his wife left him ·       A woman struggling to be open and honest with her friends ·       A man wondering if he should continue to support his friend Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation   🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors:  ·       Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·       Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. ·       Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. ·       Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ·       Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need! ·       Get 25% for LIFE at Thorne. ·       Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network:  🎙️ The Ramsey Show  💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour  💡 The Rachel Cruze Show  💰 George Kamel  🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman  📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My wife asked for a break and you know obviously I wasn't too excited about that then I found her with a family member of mine. Who? Cousins. Dude, cue the banjos man. Is this a big shock to you? What up? What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. All right. Hey, Kelly, producer of the show, Kelly, between this double pane glass studio that I'm in, the soundproof box, I can smell you. What is that smell? Kelly Cervantes I'm in, this soundproof box. I can smell you. What is that smell? I knew you were gonna say something. What is that? I can feel my eyebrows falling out.

And normally you have a smell, but this is worse. What is that? I hate you. I really do. What is it? My dog last night got full force zinged by us, sprayed by a skunk. Dang Gina. Yeah.

It's been a long night at our house and all the blood vessels in my eyes are broken. And then he ran in the house, of course, because he was terrified. But his little eyes were swollen shut. It was very pitiful. But I mean, he was dripping. It was very pitiful, but I mean, he was dripping. It was so, and he's like a medium, you know, 25 pound dog, so he's not a big dog. And we had to bathe him multiple times. I've showered multiple times.

You have not. Oh, if you only knew how many times I had. That's like your monthly quota in one night. I've done. I've done for the summer. Man. No, and I mean, yeah, we've,'ve you know she taking sheets off the bed because of course he jumped up on things cuz he was trying to get it off and It's been a it's a long night in the Daniel household. Well, we're glad you're here

We're not actually actually we are but Good god almighty. It smells. Hey, if you want to be on this show talking about your mental and emotional health or your friends or your colleagues that just show up to work smelling like somebody died four and a half weeks ago and They got sprayed by a skank johndaloney.com Slash ask this is probably the best intro of the show ever of all time. Let's go out to gainesville florida and talk to Un roberto. What's up, robert?

Good morning. Dr. John. How are you? I'm great brother. How are you, man? I'm hanging in there. Excellent. What's up, dude? So my question is how do I kind of move on with life and kind of use my energy in a productive way.

Little backstory, beginning of last year, I had a medical scare. I was in the hospital for a little while. Never had that before. Then shortly after that, my wife at the time asked for a break and obviously I wasn't too excited about that. Then I found her with a family member of mine. Who?

A cousin. Dude, cue the banjos, man. Is this a big shock to you? So she had had a couple of instances of infidelity prior to that, um, that I had found on, uh, her devices. Um, she always swore it was nothing physical. It was just talking or exchanging pictures and stuff. Um, so, you know, I tried to move past that beforehand. Um, but you know, it got to this and this was a huge shock right after, you know, I tried to move past that beforehand, but, you know, it got to this and this was

a huge shock right after, you know, the medical scare. We have a three-year-old daughter, so, you know, that made it. I'm sorry, dude. Yeah. What was the medical scare? I had kidney stones that I ended up going septic. Got a staph infection And a week in the hospital then I had a

IV drip line in me for a month after that So you've been through it this last year, I'm sorry, dude Yeah, it's been a rough one that's for sure who's who's got custody of that three-year-old girl So we have Eagle custody in a 50-50. She actually, the ex-wife, now ex-wife, you know, we ended up going through all that, got the divorce last year. She has since moved in with a cousin. They actually just had a child on almost the year anniversary

of me finding all of this out. Wow, this is like a country song. Yeah, a really bad one. Yeah. So your three year old daughter is going to be half sisters or half brothers with her half sisters with her cousin too? So it's not a, technically not a blood cousin. You know, someone I've known their family my whole life. So like not actual blood, but you know, into their family. Geez, I'm sorry, man.

All right. So how can I help, dude? What a mess. So I'm just kind of, I don't know, I feel like I'm floating through the wind. Yeah. When, when all that went down, uh, my, I was working for a company for 12 years. Um, kind of that was not looking great, um, company-wide, not just because of what I had going on.

So I moved to a different company. It's been decent here, but I just kind of feel like, you know, I'm just kind of floating in the wind the days that I don't have my daughter, you know, are obviously really hard. It's really hard to like find motivation to get up and like do much of anything. Yeah. You know, I don't, I can't wrap my head around that. The pain you've experienced. Well, I mean, just like to put it down on a piece of paper, like you're faced with this shock, right?

Like that your body's failing you, right? And there's that sense of being betrayed by your own body, especially in a tough time and most people don't realize that can happen like over a weekend until it happens over a weekend right that you have a pain all of a sudden that pain is real bad and then you got kidney stones and all of a sudden You find yourself cheese with pick line and you're that's a nightmare and then on top of Forgiveness and your wife betraying, here's the thing, you knew for a while and you ignored your own gut for whatever reason. And see that come true is devastating.

And then that I wouldn't wish, I've said this before on the show, I don't like to be gone from my son or my daughter for three days, much less just know, oh, this is the rest of my childhood, right? I mean, the rest of her childhood is I get week on week off. And then the extra kick in the teeth is, oh, cool, she just moved in with a family member and had a kid with him, which just a slap in the face on top of a slap in the face, man. So let me just say this, your body's right to just want to get under the covers and not

get out. Okay. And I know there's a sense of on top of the shame, on top of the I should have listened to my gut, on top of all that stuff, there's this sense that your body's not working right. And I might be the only mental health professional that would tell you, no, your body's working perfectly. This idea that you just want to, your body just feels like you don't want to curl up and I want to stay on the couch under a blanket and not want to move.

I just want to be here. Um, that, that feeling is right. We're not going to live there, but I want you to know that that sense makes sense to me. Okay. The big question I want to ask you is like you're at a fork in the road and there's a lot of grieving and a lot of being sad and a lot of being heartbroken. Have you, have you rolled over into, into anger and rage yet? Are you not there yet?

Uh, that hit me in the beginning. Pretty hard. Um, I think I've, I've calmed down with it, uh, on the, on the anger side. Um, I did do some therapy. I'm there for a while, but it got to be too expensive. did do some therapy there for a while, but it got to be too expensive. Okay. Um, but yeah, I think it's, I guess where I'm at is like, I don't, I don't know if I've like fully accepted the reality of, of everything that went down and how I let it get to that point.

You, you, you won't for a while. point you you you won't for a while it will it will wave over you like like sitting at the beach and it'll be fine it'll be fine and then a big wave will hit you one day and that's just part of this grieving process that you're gonna go through and I'm gonna challenge you to not put your head in the sand and and just let it happen like you've done with your marriage, like you've probably done with other things in your life. And I think this is a moment when I wanna challenge you to stand up on two feet and accept,

and take some of this, take the waves hitting you, cause that's part of the grieving process. Or let me say it another way, it will emerge in your life again and the more you face it now and the more you have a plan to do something and you just let yourself be sad one day and the more you fight and scratch and claw and maybe you don't go every week to see a counselor but you go once every two weeks or you join a group of

divorced dads which is embarrassing and shameful and all that. The more you do that now the better chance you have of getting your feet underneath you and heading into what is the next part of your life. How old are you? 28. 28. Yeah dude you're still I mean you're barely starting the second quarter of the game that you're live.

You know what I mean? You got a long road ahead of you. So here's the question I got for you. This is a scary question. What do you want to do next? I mean, I want to show it for my daughter. Okay. You know, in the best possible way that I can and want to get to the point, you know, where I'm comfortable being me, you know,

being alone with me again. So here's the heartbreaking challenge that's ahead of you that I think you are 1000% capable of is the way to show up for your daughter is to begin to keep your promises to yourself. And the way to keep your promises to yourself is to A, get a group around you cannot do this by yourself. Grief demands a witness as Kessler says, you gotta have a group of people, a group of guys that you can call, you can text that on a regular basis you sit with.

And that can be a group, that can be a couple of buddies who just show up at your house on the weeks, on the alternate weeks when your kid's gone and you just say, I'm gonna do grilling night and they show up on Wednesday nights and y'all I'm gonna do grilling night and they show up on Wednesday nights and y'all grill out and have a beer and laugh or watch old Will Ferrell video but you got a group of guys with you and I'm not saying it has to be kumbaya and you don't have to sit in the circle and sing songs and

hold hands that's not what I'm talking about but it's this sense of I'm going to not not intellectualize this I'm going to prove to my body through repetition that I'm worth having friends and I'm worth people being around And then you're gonna have to make some choices about on the days I don't want to especially on the weeks off I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go work out And I'm not gonna do four hours one day and then be so sore. I can't move the rest week I'm gonna go work out. And I'm not gonna do four hours one day and then be so sore I can't move the rest of the week, but I'm gonna go do 30 minutes. And that might be as simple as getting a backpack and putting some weights in it

and just going for a walk for 30 minutes. If you're an exercise guy, that might mean going to a local gym. That might mean any number of things, getting some dumbbells and working out in your garage, but doing something that is gonna help your physical body. Okay? And then I want you to be honest about your job.

If you hate your job, this is an amazing moment in history when at 28, you have every other week without childhood responsibilities, without kid responsibilities, that you can get another degree, you can get retrained, you can go practice. You get what I'm saying? You can begin to say, okay, for the first time

in my freaking life, what do I want to do? And here's the thing, a dad who has taken ownership of his physical body, and I'm not saying like snap into a Slim Jim, not that's not what I'm talking about. Take a lot of protein, not that. But a dad who has taken care of himself. A dad who's got other male friends that he does things with. A dad who's got a spiritual life in order. A dad who professionally is

leaning towards the person he wants to be. Who do you want to help in the world? And then I'm gonna go pursue that. That's a dad that's gonna show up for his daughter. Otherwise, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna chase around a three-year year old who becomes a seven year old who becomes a 14 year old and you're going to think showing up for her is just doing whatever she wants you to do on the few days a week every month you have her. And that's a recipe for you yet again not following your gut and showing up and just trying to be whoever the person in front of you wants you to be instead of your daughter

getting to anchor into a grown man, which is the greatest gift you can give her. So what's your next move? Well, I think I need to set myself up to follow through. Okay. Can I ask you a couple of just basic entry questions? Sure. How much money do you owe? Like if you took all your credit cards and your car payment and all that stuff and you

just wrote it down, about how much do you owe? Student loans, all that? Including the house? Nope, not including the house. Okay, all the other stuff, probably around $60,000. Okay. How much do you own your house? $110,000. How much is it worth? $220,000 probably.

Okay. Did your wife sign it over to you? Yeah. Okay. How much wife sign it over to you? Yeah. Okay. How much do you make in your job? With the new job I have now, probably around 55 a year. Okay. I want to challenge you on two things. I want you to work maniacally like a lunatic to not owe anybody anything.

Okay? And I almost never recommend this, but you might consider selling your house and moving to an apartment. That house has ghosts in it anyway and pay off everything you own and commit nobody will ever own me again both emotionally or financially and then you make 55 a year I want you to have an 18

month goal to at least be at 75 but preferably double it and I know people are listening like you don't even understand, I do understand. Yeah, I'm on the cusp of a promotion where I work so hoping that's gonna help me out. Yeah, we're done hoping. Hope is an action. Actually, we're not done hoping, we're done wishing. Hope is an action, and here's what I promise you. If you position yourself where you don't owe anybody any money, you waltz into work differently.

When you're at the gym every morning, even if you're only there for a little bit, you walk into work differently. You talk to customers differently. And it's that little bitty edge that your boss says, that's my guy. And it's not a, I hope I get this promotion because then it's going to change. It's not. It's just going to swell up and then your wife's going to say, hey, you got that new job, daughter needs shoes. And you'll be like, okay, I'll get four pair. And then you're just gonna be chasing your tail again.

But if you put some stakes in the ground, I'm a man who does not owe anybody any money because that's my new identity. I'm a guy who takes care of myself because that's what my daughter deserves and that's what I deserve. I'm a guy who's gonna go back to a church. I don't care which one, I go to anyone

because I'm a man who takes a knee before something bigger than me. And if you hear my voice getting like, I'm passionate about this, about men who have been told their whole lives that if you wiggle in class, something's wrong with your brain. And if your wife leaves you for your cousin

that somehow you're a loser and you're shameful, I'm sick of all that stuff. But I want you to stand up for the first time and say, I'm 28 years old, my name is Robert from Florida, and it's game on day one. But I can't want this more than you do. I want it. Okay.

Then here's what I'm gonna hook you up with, okay? I'm gonna hook you up with several things. I'm gonna hook you up with my buddy Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover. I want you to follow that thing okay don't deviate from it the second thing is I'm gonna send you my book building a non-anxious life I want that to be your roadmap for your life okay okay the third thing is I'm gonna send you an app I'm gonna send you the every dollar app the premium version you can link with your bank and you're gonna

have a budget for the first time in your freaking life and you're not gonna deviate from it, okay? Okay. And I want you to consider ASAP, we're in the hot market season right now, consider putting your house on the market, get yourself a really sweet two bedroom apartment, pay off everything you owe,

take the other 40,000 bucks that you're gonna pocket and put it in an emergency fund bucks that you're going to pocket and put it in an emergency fund and now you're your own bank. Nobody owns Robert. You got it? I do. And then I'm going to hook you up with a few months free with my friends at TrainWell and they're going to, I'm going to give you, it's going to be an app and a personal trainer

and I want you to start exercising today Okay Okay, awesome game on Game on day one. Here's the deal. You got to call me back in 90 days. I want to hear where you're at Okay, here's my hope for you in 90 days. You don't owe anybody anything You got 30 to I mean 90 days of exercise and you're down 10 pounds and you got this promotion and now we're moving and now your daughter is gonna walk into the house and feel Because the life she lives at the other house is chaotic and kinetic and She's not gonna get that at dad's house. She's gonna get something at your house that that

Every kid in the world is desperate for and very few kids have anymore and that is peace the world is desperate for and very few kids have anymore and that is peace. Day one brother, game on. You call me anytime man, but I want to hear from you in 90 days and see where you're at. We come back, a woman wonders how to ask for help after being let down. We are coming to the end of summer and things are bonkers. I got on my truck this morning and I was flying to work because I was a little bit late like always. And on the way I made sure I put on my Hallow app.

It's the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. And I've gotten to where I listen to it on the way to work every single day. And if you're like me, we're all juggling work, family, and a million other things. We're closing down the summer, getting ready for school already, plus all the geopolitical wildness. And in this chaos, we often forget to pause and reflect. Creating peace in our life doesn't just happen.

We have to choose it. We have to make space for it. And that is where Halo comes in. Halo provides you amazing opportunities to slow down and reconnect with what matters most. One of the best features on Hallow is the daily reflections with Jeff Cavins because he helps you connect scripture

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out Hallow. Right now when you sign up at Hallow.com slash deloni you get three months for free. That's hallow HALLOW.com slash deloni for three months for free All right before we go to Atlanta, Georgia take two seconds Please please please and hit the subscribe button If you're watching this on YouTube or on podcast if you just take a second whether on Spotify Apple wherever you're consuming the show Please just hit the subscribe button. Or if you want to be a real gangster, just leave a five star review. It just kicks the show up into different algorithms.

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How we doing? I'm doing okay. Awesome. What's up? So, um, my question is how do I open up to my friends when I'm struggling? Um, cause I've had times in the past where I've reached out and not gotten that support and I have a really hard time, hard time kind of moving past that when I'm like in a crisis moment. And this last year has been really hard.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, do me a favor, do me a favor. Take a huge deep breath, as deep as you can. Hold it. Three, two, sorry. Stop. You're apologizing just for breathing. Hold it. Three, two, one. Sorry. No, don't ever. Stop.

You're apologizing just for breathing. Don't. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. We're not there yet. Hold on. You're good.

Okay? Okay. And maybe nobody has ever let you just breathe before, but you called me. You're allowed to breathe. Okay? No apologize. Okay. I don't want you to apologize for your allowed to breathe. Okay, no apologize. Okay. I don't you to apologize for your existence Okay, okay. All right

So you've reached out to friends before when you need some help and some support and they haven't been there for you Tell me about that. Yeah, and they like well they told me there was a couple times that I did reach out and they told me that like they knew I wasn't okay, but they feel like When I'm not okay and we try to talk about it they have to kind of pull the answer out of me and it makes them not want to reach out okay and I like they're right I was gonna say are they correct yeah no they're right like I kind of do this like shut down thing okay and like I know where it comes from. It just, I don't know how to get past doing that. Um,

All right. Let me ask you, let me, I'm interrupting you on purpose cause I want to break this train of thought because you have a roller coaster that you get on and that sucker just heads down the track and you feel out of control. So I want to stop it. And by doing this, I know people on the internet are like, you always interrupt. Sometimes I do it strategically just like this because I want to prove to you that you can stop the train too. Okay. Yeah. So what does, and this is a strange question, what does shutting down, what does that get

you? It gets you something. It's your body trying to help you out. What does it get you? It feels safe. All right. Tell me about that. When I was a kid, I had like, I've kind of been through an insane amount of trauma, like,

just a ridiculous amount. And when I was a kid, I started having like behavioral issues because of it. And so what my parents did, they suspected there was some like abuse going on, but instead of like helping me with it, anytime I got emotional, I would like get hit. And then my mom realized that like, if it was a day where I was going to have an emotional breakdown, it was easier to get it out of the way in the morning. So she's like admitted this to me as an adult. She used to kind of push me to a point of breakdown and then like kind of hit me till I stopped. And then the rest of the day would be a lot easier for her because I would be too checked

out to like have any issues. Hold on my God, Sophia. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Were you being sexually abused? Yeah, by like a church leader. And my parents were on staff, but they weren't Christians. It was a weird dynamic.

Yeah. They like, it was weird. It was a weird dynamic. It wasn't, hold on. It wasn't weird. It was evil and costly. Yeah. Oh yeah.

It was like really, really messed up. Okay. It wasn't weird. Right. It was evil. I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was like really really messed up. Okay, it wasn't weird Right, it was evil. I'm sorry. Yeah Yeah No, no, let's just sit here for a second. You've been blown by this your whole life I want you to sit in it for a second. I'm sitting here with you. Okay? Yeah I'm not the best dad in the world. I'm trying but I'm not but But I tell you what, man, I'll burn the world down for my daughter. And that's how dads are supposed to be with their kids.

Yeah. My wife would do the same. And that's what you should have had. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Thanks. I'm sorry. Thanks.

So yeah, yeah, being quiet has served you well your entire life, right? Yeah. Well, and what really is the part I'm kind of having the hardest time with is I did the work on all that stuff like I I kind of so As soon as I turned 18 I went and got my driver's license and had my friend teach me to drive because my parents wouldn't let me I walked to Work until I could afford a car. I like got as soon as I got an apartment

I got multiple jobs so I could afford to go to therapy like I've done all the things and I like to go to therapy, like I've done all the things and I like really did a lot of work on all of that and got to a point where I was really, really stable. And like I even got to where my therapist was like, I don't think you really need therapy anymore. And I was like, hey, I don't think so either. And I kind of like got solid. And then this year happened and I feel like I just, you know, you use the like bricks in the backpack analogy and I feel like I just you know you use the like bricks in the backpack analogy I feel like I unlocked all those bricks and then I went through another thing and all of those breaks came back and I like wasn't really expecting that like I kind of thought you know I'll work through this and like

yeah it might come up a little bit but I didn't expect it all to just come back so strongly. Yeah. What happened this year? So I got to a place where I was really like, stable, right? And so I ended up ending my relationship with my dad, like, which was really good. And, but that was still hard. Like I still was working through that.

And then two months after that, so I, when I got stable, I ended up getting involved in ministry, met this guy who it was like a long distance thing, but I did ministry in his area. And he was like a pillar of the community type, like church leader and everyone trusted him, everyone vouched for him. We really hit it off, started a relationship.

We ended up getting engaged. I was like going to move down there. It was one of those like, like I was selling everything to go and serve the poor like type of thing. And was like really excited for this whole new life. And then five months before the wedding, a kid came forward, um, and accused him of molesting him.

And like my whole world crashed. And, um, I, I like the craziest part is like, I handled it well in the moment of like, okay, instead of freaking out and flying off the handle, I was like, the craziest part is like, I handled it well in the moment of like, okay, instead of freaking out and flying off the handle, I was like, what's going on? I need to be involved in all of this. I need to know all the details. Like I need to know from someone other than you, what's going on down there.

And like, if you're innocent, then like we can find a way to work through this. If you're not, obviously that's like, I will go full nuclear, right? But in the middle of like me trying to be rational and work through the situation, I like kind of poured my heart out to him and he's like, this is where I'm at.

And like, we're gonna pause the wedding because like this comes first, like this needs to be dealt with. Obviously like something's happening to this kid because of the things he's saying and the next day he called me and ended the relationship and told me that now that our relationship's over I didn't need to investigate or tell anyone what was going on so that to me was like a huge, if you're innocent, why would you say that? So can I pause you real quick again? Yeah. I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. What What you did tells me that you've done an extraordinary amount of work.

And I think on the other side of quote unquote doing the work, there's this idea that I'm never going to get hurt again. Yeah. Or I'm never going to feel this bad again. And that's that's not true. Right. Right. You can get out of the hospital after like having your knee reconstructed and the day

you graduate from physical therapy, you can still get hit by a car again, right? Right. But listen, you got hit by a car again. You let yourself love, you let yourself go back into a church building of all places, you let yourself be connected to a minister again. Yeah. yourself be connected to a minister again. But the moment things went sideways, all that work came into play. You stood your ground and you said,

whoa, whoa, whoa, before we go, I'm not gonna walk down an aisle with you. I've been down that before. Not down an aisle, but I'm not protecting anybody anymore. I care about this kid. Right. That is an amazing amount of work you've done. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. And you have to deal with the heartbreak and you have to deal with all of the, oh my gosh, how did I get suckered into this again? Are all ministers like this? And by the way, they're not, but- No, I know they're not. You've got a radar for it, right?

Yeah. And so this is just like, I'm throwing it out there. Maybe don't date ministers anymore, right? But- Yeah. Like on this side of this, it's a tremendous, extraordinary example of how much work you've put in. Yeah.

Like, like you're an amazing success story. Cause your first thought was I'm not going to fall right back into the old pattern, which is we protect the minister. I'm going to keep my head down. I'm going to keep my mouth shut. I'm going to get hit. You said, no, I is we protect the minister. I'm gonna keep my head down. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut or I'm gonna get hit. Right. You said, no, I'm standing with this kid.

And until I find out what's going on, I'm not moving forward in your life. I'm not gonna be your protector. I'm not gonna be your cover. I'm standing with the hurting child. Yeah. God bless you, dude. Amazing.

Thank you. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Alright, keep going. Well then, right after that, the kid recanted and said it didn't happen. And that he, like, was trying to get out of tutoring.

Which, I'm going to be honest, I don't know whether it happened or not. I'm not, I don't know that, like, I know kids recant. I also know, like, false accusations do happen. I feel like I don't know that, like I know kids who can't. I also know like false accusations do happen. I feel like I don't know what that was. Hold on. Can I ask you a question? I'm interrupting you again. What does your gut tell you? I think he did it. Okay. That's all that matters right now. Yeah.

That's it. Healing does not mean the sensitive parts of your spirit scab over forever, get calloused. Yeah. Healing means you can think about your mom and your body doesn't throw you back into when you were three or four or five years old and she's beating the crap out of you before school. That's what healing means.

And the real challenge for someone who's been through the hell that you've lived through from people who had one job and that was to love their daughter is the only way a marriage works is for you to allow yourself the potential to be heard again by somebody. And you did that and God almighty it happened again. Right. That doesn't mean you're broken. That doesn't mean you're unhealed. That means you were so healed up. You did the work that you can disconnect from your mom and dad because they literally are

evil. And you had the courage to walk back into a church again and that stomped on your, stomped on your soul again. You let yourself attempt to be loved by somebody and he stomped on your heart again. So let me reframe all of it. Dude, your body's working perfectly. Okay, Okay? You're right to be really sad. And you're right to be heartbroken. Yeah. Okay?

And I think, sorry. No, go ahead, go ahead. Don't be sorry. Stop saying you're sorry! Ah, okay. I think the one part where I'm like, this is where I recognize I need to work is like all of that, like, yes, that's like, makes sense. But I have a really fantastic group of friends and like they're my church family, like,

and I love them to death and they've like, they've all they're there for me. And I have shut that down with them too. And I really don't know how to stop doing that part of it because like, and I don't, yeah, I just, I don't wanna keep shutting down on them and then getting it to the point where like, they don't even wanna reach out because I keep shutting down,

but I don't know how to get to where I can reach out. And I like desperate. Okay. You have to decide you're worth the risk again. And it may be worth calling three or four of your friends. And saying, who know your story. I love you guys and I trust you guys and I'm going to ask you that if you see me curling up in a ball, you all have permission

to reach out a hand. Listen to me very carefully, okay? Yes. Listen to me very carefully, okay? Yes. The prevailing sense under all of this, this is a very common response when a mom and a dad treat you like you're treated. When a spiritual advisor treats you like he treated you. You have this prevailing sense that is woven into your nervous system that you're a burden on other people.

Yeah. And you you're a burden on other people. Yeah. And you're not a burden. How do I believe that? Like how do I get? Oh, there's one way. You have to practice. You're not going to be able to think your way to it. And let me tell you, on the other side, the greatest gift in my life is when someone I love and care about reaches out and says, Hey, can I talk? Because what it gives me is a job.

It gives me purpose. Yeah. It's a blessing. Okay. And so it's actually you're a gift, not a burden. And if you tell your friends, hey, if this ever gets to be too much, let me know. Then they get to be grownups and decide their level of boundaries. And I have friends that will call me and we'll talk for an hour and a half or two hours and I'll say,

hey, this is exceeding my ability to help you on the phone. I want you to call this person. I did that this weekend. I was out of the state and somebody that I love here in Nashville called and said, hey, I need to talk to you for a second. We talked for an hour and I said, hey, this I I'm in another state, you need some help right now. Here's a number. And I sent them a number of a personal friend of mine who's good at this.

Okay. But never were they a burden. Okay. Anytime you feel like a burden, I want you to think this, actually, if you can, I want you, no, here's the deal. I think you can. There's a narrative that you can't. And that's what I want. I don't want you to go to war with yourself anymore.

You've been through enough war, but I want you to challenge deeply this idea that you cannot because I think you can. Anytime you feel like a burden or I want to text them but it's too much, I want you to say out loud or write down in your journal, Dad, Mom, you don't get a vote anymore. Because what you're doing is you go back to seven year old you and you're looking out of the side of your eye at your mom to see if she's raising a fist on you. Yeah. And she didn't get a vote.

Those men and women who are amazing who keep showing up for you, they get a vote. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to find somebody in town and I want you to look for somebody who is a trauma informed therapist. Yeah. And I want you to ask for body work, okay? I think you're at a point now where sitting around and talking about it

has run its course. I want you to sit with somebody who will help like somebody who has been trained. And I've done this and it is it's unfathomable how good it is. But it sucks. But it releases it from your nervous system. So now I can just be in a bad mood. Now I can just be angry. Now I can just whatever without just going whoosh all the way back. Not fun but man it's magic. It's not magic it's just science but it is what it is. But you might be there now and maybe you weren't totally healed. Maybe you have finally got yourself to safety which is such an extraordinary accomplishment.

But hear me say this, I'm gonna let you go, but I want you to hear me say this. You're worth having friends and you're worth reaching out to people. And in those moments when you say, I can't do it, I want you to exhale and say, mom and dad, you don't get a vote, I can. And then make that call or make that text

the work you're doing is extraordinary and call a trauma-informed counselor in your area and say I want to do some body work and I've got a pretty hellacious childhood and I want to let it go not just from my head but I want to let it go from my nervous system, from my body. You're amazing Sophia. You call me anytime, anyway. Okay. And I'll be there to show up for you and listen. Thank you so, so much for being brave and for making this call.

While you're in a good space right now, I want you to reach out to your friends today. Set up a coffee meeting and I want you to just make an announcement. Sophia's back. Sofía's here. Y'all gonna be my ride or dies. Game on. We come back. A man asks if he should support his friend who's facing criminal charges. This show is sponsored by Better Health. Life can be a mess, work can be stressful.

And when these collide, when your regular life and your work life just smash together, your mind and your body feel it. And there's plenty of data showing how workplace stress and even your boss can have a major impact on your mental and emotional stress. And most of us can't just take a vacation from work every time that we want to,

but we can start with small steps to manage our work stress. First, we gotta do the things that keep our bodies and relationships strong. Exercise, sunlight, eating right, relationship check-ins, and when you need someone to sit with you and help you navigate things moving forward, getting a great therapist to help walk with you can be a game changer. If you're thinking about trying therapy, reach out to my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online which means it's affordable and it's convenient. No six month waiting lists. To get started, you just fill out a short online

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deloni. All right, Minneapolis. Let's talk to Jack. What's up, Jack? Hey, John. I hope you're you're doing good today. So yeah, I can just kind of jump on into my my question. Yes, one doctor. So we so yeah, a close friend of mine mine a couple months ago was caught in a sting operation for allegedly showing up to meet with a minor. And I can obviously give more details. I think I'm good. I'm good on details.

His his marriage might be over. It should be. It should be. And I just want to know if I should continue supporting him and if so, like how should I? Oh man. I think it's going to depend on what the word support means. What do you mean by support? Yeah, so I think like it'd be a little more difficult if we lived in the same place. We currently don't. So that makes it easier to, I guess, have more of like a physical boundary.

But I guess because it's been an ongoing thing for the incident was probably two months ago or so now. And kind of since he called me and made me aware, you know, he'd gone to jail and kind of everything that he's going through. We've had some pretty consistent like contact, like texting him and just trying to be there to, you know, whether it's sending him like a scripture or, you know, just calling him to check in on how he's doing. And he's he's even he's asked me to write a character letter for him.

And I've known him since, yeah, like we were middle of high school and we're in our mid twenties now. But yeah, just wanting to know like, if like I should continue to like be there for him if like, or like I need to be taking a step back? Yeah, I've got some pretty concrete thoughts on this and I'm trying to decide whether to just let them all out here in this format, but I guess I will. You called and I've always committed to just being honest. So I had a close, close friend of mine who called and was dating a woman.

And that woman had a teenage son and a teenage son got caught with a bunch of child pornography. And my buddy called and said, hey, she contacted an attorney, it's gonna be a jillion dollars, but the attorney thinks we can do this, this, this, and said, hey, she contacted an attorney, it's gonna be a jillion dollars, but the attorney thinks we can do this, this, this, and this, and then this and this, and get this reduced in X, Y, or Z.

And I told my buddy, you have two daughters. You want this kid out on the street. And he got quiet and he said no. And I said, you can manipulate the criminal justice system. He was just calling to say, hey man, do I give my girlfriend a bunch of money to whatever? But there was a deeper question. And I said, that's his mom.

And so she should sit by him in court and hold his hand. But she should also walk him to jail. Because he's a predator who hurts kids. And if I'm you and I have a long-term one of my oldest friends in the world. Number one, you got to ask yourself if there have been signs for a long time that you just kind of blew by. And if there are you got to deal with you on that.

The second is sometimes we just get shocked we get surprised. And I would tell my buddy I've known you for 20 something years this stuns me it disgusts me. But I'm going to call you and I'll be a contact for you. I will not write you a character letter with the intent of reducing the impact you're gonna have on hurting children in the community. So, if I have a 30, I'm thinking of a couple of my oldest friends on the planet right now, I would tell them directly, I will not write you a letter if this is true. Because you're not who I thought you were, or I've kept quiet and you're exactly who I knew you were.

Either way, I can't write a letter in good conscience because you hurt kids. But I'll sit by you during your court hearing. I'll hug you before you go to jail. And I just, and I know that answer's gonna get me in trouble with everybody. I don't believe in cutting people off. I also don't believe in lying and trying to manipulate systems,

especially when people hurt children. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, for sure. And it's like, it's so hard, right? Because it's someone that I've known for a while, right? And maybe you hear of these stories and I'm on the other side of it, right? And it's maybe my wife and one of her friends is going through this, I'd be like, you know what? That guy's scum of the earth, right?

Two things can be true. You can have a friend for 30 years or 20 years, and you'll have a ton of great times together, and you've told them a lot of your deep dark secrets, and he's told you yours, and he was in your wedding, and he can hurt children. Both are true. And if you write that letter, it's your, A, you're contributing

to him getting out early, potentially, to go hurt another kid. So I'm going to tell you that's on you. The second one is we often start scrambling to try to do something, right? And it's our own, we're just trying to burn activity so that we don't have to grieve the fact that we just lost a 20 year friend because our friends not a good person. Or our friend did a really evil thing. And you and I both know the odds that he got caught the very first time are basically zero.

Yeah, no, and he kind of had alluded to, right, like there was a lot leading up to it. And the two and a half years he's been married, you know, pornography issues for a long, long time. Yeah, there's a lot, I mean, 90 some percent of men look at pornography. Right. But very few men meet. But 90% don't cross that line. That's exactly right So I mean he can say everything he wants and paint you a story whatever He was gonna he has and was going to again sexually abuse a child. I'm out Yeah, but I'll sit with you And I know that sounds weird and messy and whatever.

Right. But I guess is there any particular verbiage or like when I'm talking to him, because I feel like I'm almost trying to walk like a tightrope a little bit. I'm not walking tightropes. He doesn't get that vote in your head anymore. I mean, like as far as like how I like how I express like my support for him and then be there for him while also not, you know, I definitely not condoning the action. Like does that make sense? Yeah, but here's what you're trying to do.

You're trying to say it just right so he won't get mad or that he won't feel hurt. You can't own that. The only thing you can own from this point forward is who you are and who you are going to continue to be as a person of integrity. And as a person of integrity, I don't abandon my friends and as a person of integrity, I don't let anybody hurt children. And so there's not a soft way to say this. And since he probably, is he in house arrest or is he in jail right now?

Um, he's, he's monitored. Yeah. So, and so if you're not, if you don't live in the same town as him and you can't have this conversation in person, then you call him on the phone and you say, dude, I've done some soul searching. Here's where I'm at. You're my 20-year friend I'm gonna call you every week if you go to jail. I'm gonna write you letters and I'm gonna do my best to visit you

because friends don't abandon friends and I Cannot write you a letter of support Because you're not who I thought you were right and I won't write you a letter of support. Are you freaking kidding me man after all? Yes. I'm drawing a line. And he might hang up on you and never talk to you again and then you're gonna have to grieve the fact that your friendship wasn't what you thought it was. Yeah. And so he's already showing you what kind of friend he is by putting you in this position.

kind of friend he is by putting you in this position? Yeah, no, definitely. Like definitely feelings of like betrayal a little for sure. And obviously like, yeah, at least on my side, I'm sure, you know, his wife would see more signs of it than I would. But yeah, like just totally caught everyone off guard. Other than, you know, I'd expect his wife probably, maybe had seen signs, but.

Maybe, maybe not. I mean, that's a waste of energy to even go there. Yeah. But here's the deal, he does not get a vote. And all I can tell you is what I would do if it was one of my closest, oldest friends. So yeah, you don't see a problem, as long as it's in a way of hey, I'm with you. I'm here to support you through this. I wouldn't use that language. I would not use the language. I'm here to support you.

I would say I'll sit with you in court. But I'm not supporting you. I'm not supporting like you get what I'm saying? Yeah, no for sure and I guess that's kind of what I was talking about earlier with kind of walking that line of probably the language I would say is I'm not sure the love I'm not gonna abandon you. Condoning you know. I'm not gonna abandon you But I can't support what you did. For sure. And so I'm not a believer in abandonment.

If I say I'm in, I'm in. If I say you're my friend, you're my friend. But that might mean I'm coming to visit you in jail. I'm not going to make up lies with the authorities so that you can potentially go hurt another child, not going to do that. Right. Do you have kids? No, not yet. I do.

I don't want this guy on the street. Yeah, I wouldn't either. Okay. This is a bellwether moment for you to find out what kind of man you are. And men do not run from messy middles. Men run right into the middle of it. And the messy middle here is, I'm not going to abandon a 20 year friend. And I'm awesome. I'm not going to lie. Just because you went to church camp with me and did community service, doesn't mean you're not also a child molester

Yeah, they can both be true that's right and bright in this case it sounds like both are true So that's the best I can tell you brother I I man I hate I hate that he put you in this position So do what you're gonna do man, but that's I wouldn't abandon a friend But I'm sure not writing him a letter and I'm not gonna try to try to get them out of jail, but I'll sit with them as they get sentenced. And I think that's what the world needs more of, less abandonment and more accountability. All at the same time. We'll be right back. Everybody's talking about AI and the internets and your digital privacy.

And I want to give you a quick word about my friends at delete me Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel like digital trails leading bad? Scam artists right back to us right now scammers are using fishing attacks with a pH Where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you You might get an email or a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot more than likely on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out. They're not. And with these new technological advancements

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Kelly, we got a money and marriage question here. By the way, we'll put a link in the show notes here if you're watching this, the money marriage event for November is on sale and the Valentine's Day weekend getaway here in Nashville. Both of those are in Nashville. Both of those are entire weekends with me and my buddy Rachel Cruz and a bunch of special guests and I'm kind of biased.

I think it's the best marriage event for your you and your spouse on the planet. It's awesome. And, but it's here live with us and, and so check it out in the show notes if you want to come. Here's a question that comes in the anonymous came in the anonymous question box Um during the last money marriage retreat So how do we get out of the tv phone cycle after work every day? I want real experiences, but it feels like we can't get away from screens

This may be the easiest one ever. Are you ready? Okay, two cool things. I didn't know this about screens, either TVs or iPads or phones, but it's amazing. They have a button on the side of them and it just says off. Actually, they took the words off, off, but you can turn them off. More honestly and realistically, you can take your TV out of your living room and put it in a closet. How do I know? I've actually done this thing.

Took the TVs out, unplugged them, so that when I wanted to watch something, I had to go through a process to turn it back on. When it comes to phones, I've been through seasons where I leave my phone in my car. It just doesn't leave. It doesn't leave my car. I have two phones right now.

One has social media on it and it's a work tool. And the way I like to look at that is like I build houses and I have to have social media as a tool. If you were a home builder and you sat in a restaurant with a drill going, vroom, vroom, that would be ridiculous. Or if you took a hammer and a board and at your dinner table or on your couch, you were just hammering away at it,

that would be absurd. Well, social media is a tool. I get people have to have it for their jobs and to check in with their moms and dads, fine. But it stays in the car, it stays in your work bag. And if you can't afford to have it on a second phone, don't have it. Or if you can't control yourself,

the first thing they tell you to do if you're struggling with alcohol is get all the alcohol out of your house and stop going to places where they serve it. And so it has to be that caustic. And here's the thing, you're talking 30 days. I'm telling you 30 days and your body will readjust. If you take your TV out and you unplug it

and you take the cord away and you put the cord in a closet, leave the TV in the living room. Fine, take it out of your bedroom for God's sake, but leave it in somewhere and take the cord out and just get rid of the cord, hide the cord, put it somewhere so that if you wanna watch a movie on a Friday night, you gotta go dig it out, go plug it back in, go punch all the codes back in.

And at that point, you're going to be like, this sucks. Let's just go out to eat. Let's go to a movie. Let's go dancing. But you have to put, here's the nerd, you have to put barriers in front of yourself if you want to change a behavior. Or the nerd way to say that is you have to create behavioral friction. And if you go through all this rigmaroo and you or your spouse, the phone's in the house

like, no, no, no phone in the car, but I got it. No phone in the car. And now we're just sitting here staring at each other. You know what you might do? Have sex. No, you might do like go out. No, you might do like something. But you won't just instantly flip on a screen.

So that's my thoughts. And by the way, if everyone will do this for 30 days, you'll be stunned at how your body re-regulates itself. And it will jump right back in if you let it. But man, it's 30 days of this sucks. And then you break that initial crave cycle. And then you can get on to having a real life. On the other side of the screens. Thank you so much. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Actually, there's no school. Enjoy your summer, but still don't do drugs. I mean, unless you're Kelly. God almighty, those smells in the house. You can do all the drugs you want, sister. You are on your way. I would be doing whatever I had to do to get that smell out of my nose.

So there you go, sister. Love you guys. Bye.