The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Has Gained Weight (She’s Miserable)

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A husband unsure how to help his wife who’s struggling with weight -       A woman struggling to meet her own expectations -       A woman wondering how to be a more empathetic listener Next Steps 📞 Ask John a Question!  click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭John's Free Guided Meditation ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of Therapy at Better Help!   3 Free Months of Hallow  25% Off Thorne Orders  15% off the Apollo Wearables Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle!  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My wife has gained a little bit of weight. She's gotten a little upset about it to the point where she doesn't really like going out anymore. And every time I try to bring up maybe you should do this, do that, she kind of just shuts the conversation off. Anytime there's a significant weight gain in a short amount of time, I often want to ask, is there a mitigating factor? What's going on? Yo, yo, yo, yo. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your marriage, your parenting, your relationships, what to do with your kids, what to do with your boss, whatever's going on in your life, your emotional health, your mental health for the last 20 plus years.

I've been sitting with hurting people when everything has fallen apart and we have to figure out what are we going to do next? What are we going to do next? And you may be sitting there going, I kind of want to call and I kind of am chicken. Listen, I would be super chicken. I would not call some wackadoo on the YouTubes or on a podcast, but we often change names. We often change locations, and we'll do our best to help you be anonymous

and help you get the help that you need. So if you want to come hang out, I promise I'm going to sit with you, and we'll figure out the next right step. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask.

Ask and fill out the form and we'll get you on the show. And don't forget to leave good reviews, great reviews, and hit subscribe. Man, we are cooking, cooking on the YouTube number. My goal this year is a million. We're on our way. Please, please, please forward these episodes to your friends. Send them the links,

and don't forget to hit the subscribe button. It makes all the difference in the world. All right, let's go out to New Jersey and not talk to Silent Bob. We'll talk to Jay. Hey, Jay. What's up, man? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

I'm doing good. So I got married roughly eight months ago. Okay. And since then, my wife has gained a little bit of weight. Just I'm not exactly sure why, but she has. And she's gotten really, I don't know if you want to call it bitter, but she's gotten a little upset about it to the point where she doesn't really like going out anymore. And every time I try to bring up, you know, maybe you should do this, do that,

you know, see somebody about it or whatever, she kind of just shuts the conversation off. So I just want to know how to kind of approach it and how to, how to talk to her about it. Yeah, man. Um, when you say a little weight, what does that mean? Um,

so like numbers, I don't know numbers, but I mean, like there is definitely a difference visually. Like she's definitely gotten bigger. Um, is it something you're bringing up with her or are you saying, no,

no, no, you're beautiful. You're awesome. Let's go hang out. And she's saying, no, I'm embarrassed to go out in public. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I still love her. I mean, I still find her beautiful. She just, you know, like now she's like clothing shopping has gotten harder and stuff like that. And she's really not having a good time with it. What happened? Um, so, I mean, I guess there's like a little bit of a bigger picture. I mean, she grew up, her parents did not really have a lot of money. Um, and they were kind of like proud of that, but they were poor, I guess you want to call it. And she did not. I mean, she just like when she was in college before we met, she did not eat at

all. Like she just wouldn't eat. And then when she came into my life, I was like, that's not, that's not, you know, you gotta eat, you gotta eat meals or whatever. And then honestly, that's, that's all I can attribute it to. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but. But this, you, you can pinpoint as someone who's been dating her for a while and been married to her for the better part of a year, you can pinpoint this too. We got married. We came home. And then all of a sudden, things started to change. Let's move weight over to the side. Has she been struggling over the last eight months just with temperament, with being able to sleep,

with being frustrated? What's her disposition been like? So, I mean, she has a lot of anxiety and she has a brother who's who's born with a with a disease and it's just it's gotten really bad over the past year and she's kind of been struggling with that as well like a lot okay like that has been really hard for her anytime there's a significant weight gain in a short amount of time where the person experiencing it is having trouble wrapping their head around it. I often want to ask, is there a mitigating factor? And so maybe it's suddenly she's a married woman and she's got some pictures in her mind of what

marriage was like from when she was a little girl and her body's trying to protect her. Or maybe, yeah, she's got this external stressor. She's worried about her brother. She's, who knows? I think the challenge here is that weight is such a minefield of an issue because it brings in so many different variables. Are you lazy? Do you have any self-worth? Are you even beautiful anymore? Are you desirable anymore? It has so much, no pun intended weight to it, right?

I want to get to the level beneath that, which is a husband who's a new husband trying to connect with his new wife. And he feels like he is walking around in the dark, just grasping at things. And he seems to be able to occasionally pull a fistful of hair in the dark, and he yanks it, and she goes, no! And he doesn't know what to do, right? Yeah. So can I poke on you a little bit? Sure, go for it.

Please tell me you have not given her weight loss tips or exercise routines. Oh, no, not at all. Oh, look at you, man. Way to go, Jay. Way to go, Jay. Way to go, Jay. You give me hope for humanity. So I am going to put myself in your situation. If I'm sitting where you're sitting, I love this woman.

I'm watching her slowly become a shell of herself. I'm watching her body change. I'm watching her heart and mind change, and I'm watching her be fearful of the outside world. When you sit down and say, hey, you need to work on X, Y, Z, her body's going to hear that as yet another stressor, another threat. You are going to get put on the outside and she's going to wall up. And you're going to be trying to figure out a way in to see and meet and talk to

and connect with your wife. The other approach is to say, I, Jay, I'm struggling with how to best love the most important woman in the world to me. I'm going to go talk to a local counselor, local therapist, and I would love it if you came with me. Because you, plus the counselor, are going to be able to teach me.

And that's an invitation, not a grenade. You see the difference there? Yep. Because at the end of the day, unfortunately, as much as you and I both want to we can't control the people that we love we can't

we can control our thoughts and our actions that's it are you willing to sit down with a professional and say

alright I have I've reached the end of what I'm able to do will you help me right so I mean like I said before I am also on the bigger side of things um

so i recently like approached with this i guess kind of a deal where i said like i'm willing to go to somebody to deal with me would you be interested in coming along and just trying it out yeah um so it has i mean it has worked a little bit so you've already done that my man dude you need to have your own show. I'll call into you. I need some help, man. So you did this. You're a big guy.

Are you overweight? I am overweight, yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, due to an injury, but yeah. I mean, I used to be very active, but I still have my muscles, so. So the injury has made activity hard. So that means we have to mess with the switches somewhere else, right? Yeah, yeah. When you say you're overweight, are you obese?

Are you more than 100 pounds overweight? Are you 50? Where are you? It's hard to, I mean, I played football for a while. So I was always on the bigger end. I mean, I'm 6'1", and I'm at like around 300. Okay, all right. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, you've got some

heft. You're a big guy. Yes. Yes, I do. And are you at a place... So let's move your wife. Let's just talk you and I. Are you at a place where you're ready for your knees to stop hurting, your ankles to stop hurting, getting out of a seat, a chair, those kind of things? Is that why you're ready to make

this change? Well, I was ready to make the change. Well, after I wasn't able to go to the gym anymore and I wasn't able to play sports anymore and I kind of felt it like taking away that last five steps, you know, started to get a little harder. There you go, yeah. I said, yeah, I got to approach this a little differently.

The gym's not going to work. I'm going to figure this out some other way. Yeah. Why can't you go to a gym at all anymore? I can, but I can't run anymore. I can't do – I was doing kickboxing and jiu-jitsu for a while, and I can't do any contact sport until another two years. So let's change our conversation too um and this is a guy who was um i was doing uh

dumbbell curls with different size weights for the last couple of months because i hurt myself and i didn't want to allow nothing to be my solution so i looked like a goofball i had one 10 pound weight or five pound weight in one arm and the other weight in the other arm right but that was part of it so i want you to change your language to not i can't go to the gym anymore to man i loved kickboxing and jiu-jitsu with all my heart now i gotta go do something different see what i'm saying right yep and man i think you can get on the path really quick. I love that you invited her and that you're willing to go first.

I think that's a really powerful move. To support you, can I hook you up with a couple of things? Mm-hmm. The greatest guys, the greatest workout program, I think, in the country, it's the one I use in my house. It's the one that's on my wall in my gym in in my garage, is my buddies with the Mind Pump guys. And I want you to go to Mind Pump, and I want you to Google Mind Pump, P-U-M-P, and their workout programs. Okay? It's called MAPS, M-A-P--s and you can pick anyone that you want

and i'll and they're going to give it to you for free because they're my friends oh okay mindpump.com mindpump and then look at their maps programs they've got a number of workouts everything from you're a single mom you got 15 minutes all the way to you're like broed out bro and you want to get slickster, slick Rick and you want to get all oiled up and do a show. Everything in between. I used to do that way. Those days are

over. But I'm going to hook you up and your wife if she wants to do one as well. Okay? Okay. But that won't be for you to be like, hey, guess what? I got a new workout program for you because you're going to wake up four days from now with a chair across your head and i will support her okay that's number one number two um another good friend of mine dr lane norton has

created the greatest um calorie tracking app the macro tracking app that i believe exists it's a coaching app and it's called Carbon. It's the one I use in my home. It's amazing. And I've used it for a long time. And I'm going to hook you up with that for free. I'm not, he is going to hook you up with that for free for a month. I mean, for a year as well. Okay. And that is as simple as protein, fats, carbs. And if you can go to as nerdy as you want to. I feel like I'm doing a commercial. These guys don't pay me a penny for any of this stuff.

These are just my friends, and this is what I use in my house. And I've got a history of distorted eating, too. So that's me walking alongside you, okay? But I'm going to hook you up with that, and we'll get you connected, so hang on the line here. I do think going to see a counselor beyond a trainer is important right now.

Okay. Because your wife has a, her challenge is bigger than weight right now. It sounds like a body who is feeling less and less and less control over what's going on in her world. It might be that her brother's getting sick. It might be that her marriage has changed her life. It might be that her job is whatever the thing is, but it feels like her body is slowly spiraling on her. And so she is solving some of these problems with food, with withdrawal,

with lashing out to the man that loves her and that she loves, right? So just things that are not normally a part of her life. Right. And it may just be that she married somebody who cooks really well, who's kind of a big guy too, and just kind of settled into this new life. Right? No, I'm not that good of a cook. But I mean, y'all may have created some habits together,

and you're like, oh my gosh, eight months in, this is our life. Let's change everything. Are you in? And me and my wife did that too. We just didn't do it with food. We did it with how we communicated to each other, right? And some couples do it with how they spend money. And some couples do it with,

they get married and they just plop down on the couch at night and they watch TV and it's super cool. And they wake up and they haven't been intimate in seven months because they just watch shows. Every couple falls into these new marriage rhythms. And so this may just be the rhythm y'all fell into. Okay. Is that cool?

Yeah, sounds awesome. I'm proud of you. You're a good man, Jay. And it sounds like you really love this woman. And you're not falling into the normal dude traps of like, why don't you just snap into a Slim Jim? And it sounds like you're trying to be sensitive and walk alongside her. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Brother, call me anytime I can help. And it sounds like you're trying to be sensitive and walk alongside her. So I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you. Brother, call me anytime I can help. And hang on the line here. We're going to hook you up with my friends at Mind Pump and my friends with Dr. Norton. And get you all connected and get you at least a couple of tools to help you on your journey. But call a counselor and say, hey, I'm ready to tackle this. I've had some injuries. I've put on a lot of weight.

I used to be an athlete, and I've'm ready to tackle this. I've had some injuries. I've put on a lot of weight. I used to be an athlete and I've got to change my identity. And I want to learn some new tools for talking to my brand new wife because I'm not able to connect with her now. She's struggling. I'm struggling. I want to learn.

And I think she's willing to come with me. You're a good man, Jay. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

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and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet Earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's roll out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Jamie. Hey, Jamie, what's up? Hey, good morning. How are you? Partying. How are you? Partying. How are you? Good, good. So I don't know what I need, okay? I can't seem to get out of bed at 4 a.m.

Yeah, me neither. I'm very goal-oriented. I know how to do the stretch goals. I know how to do the set breakdowns. I know how to create a plan. I'm just not excited at 4 a.m. when it's time to get up and get my plan in order. Why does your plan have to begin at 4 a.m.? Because, so I have my homestead after work routine. I have my bedtime self-care routine. I get eight hours of sleep. I want to start doing yoga and gym, like going or doing like home workout. I just, the only time that I can seem to get into that routine is at 4 a.m. You're so awesome. You know who you are? You are literally everybody right now. Everybody.

It's so, like, you being brave enough to call and have this conversation out in the open is going to help a whole, whole lot of people. So I'm really awesome. So I'm going to tell you, if you've listened to the show for more than a couple of years, you remember I used to detail my morning routines and they were insane. They're insane. They're minute by minute. I wrote every minute out. I planned it to a T. I'd get up from the middle of breakfast with my kid because I'd be like,

all right, it's time for step. Dude, I was a militant. And you know who completely broke me of that? Is a guy who swung by the studios a few months ago. His name's Alex Herm hermosi and if you're in the entrepreneurial world he's that that's a name that you'll know but here's what he said about morning routines he said if you become a slave to your morning routine if you become chained to your morning routine then the thing this routine was supposed to give you which

is health and freedom and the ability to go do hard things gets undermined by the fact that you're getting dragged behind a truck down the highway. That's my interpretation because now Jamie, your routine, these beneficial activities like yoga, working out, sleep,

they aren't benefiting you. They're beating the crap out of you, right? Yeah. You're going to be the healthiest, exhausted, dead person of all time. Fair? Yeah, fair. Yeah, I can see that. So my bigger question is, what are you hoping to get from this routine? And by the way, I'm going to circle back because routines are very important. I have a few things that I do not budge on, but I'm going to tell you, I've got a lot more peace in my life and my health, my biomarkers, my blood, my sleep has continued to improve.

So Alex was onto something, right? Tell me what these things are. What have you put these in place for? What are they getting you? So I know that if I start doing them now, I will feel healthier when I get older and they're already part of my life so I can continue to improve as my joints start to hurt and stuff like that.

But it's just, I know that if I don't start now... How do you know that? Because everyone hurts when they're older. No, no, no. A, that's not true. B, how do you know that if you just start doing it now, then when you're older...

So basically what you're saying is if I fight myself, if I go to war with myself every morning at 4 a.m. for the next 30 years, then when I'm 70, 80, 90, then it's going to be easy. Yeah, I guess that's kind of what I was thinking. Yeah, it's bad math. It's bad math. Okay.

Tell me what you're doing all this for. Just to try to better myself when I'm older. Like I can't, I'm, you know, 30 plus years old and I can't touch my toes. Okay. And it's just kind of like, I feel like I should be able to touch my toes. Okay. So let's stop casting this off to future Jamie and let's talk right now. Okay.

Do you not feel good anymore? No, I feel excellent. I'm in the best shape of my life. You just can't touch your toes? I just can't touch my toes. So what about adding a couple of days of mobility to your workout? Mm-hmm. Ta-da. Right? My question is, why do you have to go start a yoga routine? A dedicated yoga routine that you got to get up at 4 a.m. and drive across the state, which means if you're going to get your eight hours, you got to go to bed at 845, which means you're going to cut off social time.

You're going to cut off connectivity. You're going to cut off reading. You're going to cut off these things that are of vital importance so that you can get this thing, so you can do this thing, so you can do this thing, so you can touch your toes. Yeah. Yep. that you can get this thing so you can do this thing so you can do this thing so you can touch your toes yeah yep let me be like if i'm super honest the reason my routine was so madhouse it's because i watched some guys on instagram that i wanted to be like and they had routines like that yeah um like for me i think it's i see my grandma who's 96 and can run a faster 5K than I can, jokingly, but she's in still the best shape of her life.

And I know I'm not nearly as good in a good shape as her. So I just worry that I'm not going to be able to be in good shape later on. So I'm trying to do it right now or get it into a routine right now. I love that. Let's create a routine that serves the life we want to live right now and that invests in the life we want to have when we're 95. I love that. That's what Dr. Atiyah does so beautifully, right? And if you've heard about Dr. Atiyah, he trains his patients for this thing he made up called the Centurion Olympics. What are the things that I want to be able to do physically when I'm 100?

And what do I have to start doing now in my 30s, 40s, and 50s so that I can do these things later on? That's what I needed. That's what I need. Okay. So I want you to pick up his book. It's called Outlive. It's a masterpiece.

It's very long, and he does a pretty good job. He's the smartest human I've ever come across in my life ever, ever, ever. But he does a good job of distilling this down. But the idea is the Centurion Olympics. But I'm going to tell you, he is also somebody who's transformed. I first ran across his material back in 2012 when he was in the middle of or beginning. He didn't have a gram of sugar for like three years or something like that, trying to make some case about ketosis and things like that. He's one of the early guys in that. And now he'll tell you, yeah, ethanol is bad for you. Alcohol is not good for you at all. But if you're with close friends and you got the good stuff, enjoy your life, right? Because what's the point, right? And so let me tell you, some things I don't budge on I work out. I move my body every day

Sometimes that's throwing on a ruck a go ruck bag with some weights in it and I walk on a treadmill I got a new assault fitness treadmill. It's the greatest thing of all time and I walk on it for half an hour Is that a good workout? No Is that moving my body? Yep This morning I went real hard for too long. Like I overdid it this morning. That's cool I'm just gonna do something every day. I'm gonna move every day Also because of my friend jordan's side. I feel like this show is just me talking about buddies who've influenced my life Um, i've incorporated a couple of days of movement into my life

I went to my daughter's taekwondo, uh practice yesterday and I remembered when I was doing mma I used to be able to stand just look at another guy Pick up up my foot and put my ankle, I put my heel on his shoulder and I'm struggling to touch my toes. I was like you, I'm like, I need to start doing that. But I'm not getting up at 4 a.m. You know why? Because I want to laugh really hard at 9.30 or 9 o'clock or 8.30 with my 14-year-old. I want to hang out with my wife. I want to be able to be there when my eight-year-old daughter refuses to go to bed and we're on bedtime number 14, right?

I don't want to miss out on that stuff. So I'm not going to get up at four. I just did a thing with Jocko a month ago. Dude gets up at four. That's how he rolls. That's cool. I'm excited. I mean, it's awesome.

It's cool to see that example out there That's not for me and my season with two young kids And a long drive to work And farm chores And a crazy travel schedule So I want you to give yourself some grace Is that cool? Yes

So let me ask you a question underneath all of this Do you like Jamie? I'm starting to Is that cool? Yes. So let me ask you a question underneath all of this. Do you like Jamie? I'm starting to. If you asked me three years ago, it would have been no, but I'm really starting to enjoy her. Why didn't you like her? I had no self-confidence. Nothing. And it's been a three-year journey to build that.

And I think I have really great self-confidence now. And your self-confidence is built not on like some vision board, but it's built on, no, I'm actually getting up and doing things, right? That's amazing. Let's don't go overboard. And I know I'm always telling people, you got to be disciplined. You got to get up and do it. And occasionally the healthiest, most disciplined thing you can do is rest.

Is not add yet another thing to your calendar, but instead incorporate it in. That means I'm going to do one week, one workout of weights less than normal. You're going to be great. I'm going to stretch. You're going to be great. I'm going to sit down and have coffee with my grandmother as often as humanly possible. Because I

promise you, she was not getting up at 4 a.m. to do yoga and then go to Pilates and then go do a weight workout and then go run a 5K. That's not what she was doing. She was probably taking care of the cows, right? Yep. Yeah, she's just working. You sound like a pretty amazing woman.

I'm trying to be. All right. I'm going to give you something that's counterintuitive. Okay. Goals that stick are tied to an identity. Who are you going to be? I'm actually becoming less and less and less and less a fan of goals. I'm way more a fan of identity. Who are you? Jamie, you're a woman who does hard things. You're a woman who

is going to be able to roll around with her kids when she's 95 or grandkids. Cool. here's the things i gotta do i'm not just gonna say i'm gonna go run 500 miles back because because for a while so i want you to spend a little bit of time with with yourself with jamie writing four or five or six identity statements i'm a woman who and then back up what are some things i have to do to make that identity true? What are some actions I have to do on a daily basis, a weekly basis, a monthly basis? The second thing is when you start adding habits in, the lower the friction, the more fun and the more repeatable they are, the more likely you are to be successful. That's atomic habits, right? Mm-hmm.

Small. I love that. Small, bite-size. You can do them over and over, and there's very low friction. Mm-hmm. If you're somebody who just busts open at 4 a.m., knock your lights out. If that's easy for you, cool. If you're one of the few people who can get by on eight minutes of sleep, man, more power to you. That's not most of us.

Nope. Is that fair? Nope. Very fair, yeah. Awesome. Well, I'm proud of you. Stop going to war with my friend Jamie. Now, for everybody listening, this is not permission to be like, oh, sweet! We don't have to work out. That's not what I said. We don't got to get up early. That's not what I said. We don't got to get up early.

That's not what I said. We don't, we can stay up all night. That's not what I said. See, there's a difference between really taking care of yourself, really honoring yourself, having some, an identity, having some things you want to accomplish and achieve

and then going to absolute bloody war with yourself to get there there's a difference and if over a sustained period of time your body is rejecting your efforts to get stronger to get in shape to lose weight go talk to somebody because after one week two weeks of not eating sugar, you know what happens? My body feels freaking amazing. And I have to force myself to get back on that train. After a couple of weeks of not working out, lifting weights, and then you start lifting weights again, my body feels incredible. It's when I'm like, I'm going to wake up at 3.30 AM in a couple of weeks. My sleep score is so bad. I can't move

And my body's fighting me That's a different thing. Now. We got a different problem Proud of you lady i'm proud of you everybody out there Write down a few sentences Who are you? I'm gonna be A man or woman who is a good steward of their body. I'm going to be a person who's a good steward of my finances. And then begin to put in the actions.

What must be true? We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take

off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and talk to Taylor.

What's up, Taylor? Hey, Dr. John. So happy to be talking to you. How are you doing? Also with you. What's happening? I recently realized that I'm not showing up in my friendships the way that I want to. So I'd love some advice about that. So how do you want to be showing up in my friendships the way that I want to. So I love some advice about that. So how do you, how do you want to be showing up in your friendships? Um, basically I,

over the past few years, I've been really, really committed to reducing the anxiety in my life. And your show has helped so much with that. So thank you so much for everything you've done. Thank you. But one of the byproducts is that my life looks a lot different than my friends' lives these days. And for whatever reason, over the past year, especially, I found that some of my friends and I have been kind of going in circles in our conversation. And a lot of the focus has been on things that are going on in their lives and in their marriages. And it's not that they're asking me for advice, but when they bring these things to me and I'm looking at it through this new perspective that I have from like following your principles and things I've learned in therapy, a lot of the things that they're talking about feel really solvable to me. And so then I end up getting into like self-development speak and getting into problem solving mode and giving unsolicited advice. And that makes you the worst.

No, it does. Because like I recently had a conversation with a friend and I literally stopped mid conversation and apologized. I'm like, oh my goodness, I've become that friend. Good for you. Gross. Nobody wants to be that friend. I don't want to be that friend.

I was that guy forever. I hated it about myself. Really? And like right now, I'm kind of at a place where I realized that I don't really have a picture of what being a good friend looks like in this context. I love it. What a great question. Thank you. I would love your advice. You got it. Um, how old are you? 31, 31. All right. I'm going to give you some bad news, and then we'll get to the good stuff, okay? Okay. Bad news is you're in an age window when there's a natural transition from friends that you've had for 20 years, 30 years, 10 years that are going to slowly fade away. And some of the frustration you're feeling, yes, is you're listening to someone tell the same story about their husband and you're like why don't you just do this and all the stops and that's part of

it but deeper than that is oh this friend i've had that we went to college together went to university together we worked together for a long time we had our first baby together we've just grown apart her and her husband are just couch people i'm not she is just a fill-in-the-blank kind of person i'm not some of my best friends in the world i remember we all had kids um i had a son first my one buddy had a son first and the other buddy had a daughter first come to find out one of my best friends in the world is a Cub Scout dad. I didn't know that. Come to find out one of my best friends in the world was a Little League baseball draws up plays at work and is like making lineups on his lunch break.

What? Right? And they came to find out one of their friends is trying to teach their kid, his kid, like, the finer points of why Metallica Black Album is actually better than people thought it was, right? And so it's this, and, like, why hunting is obsessive, right? So we found that out about ourselves, and there's actually some space. There was actually some time we didn't hang out a lot. Yeah. Because it's like, dude, those aren't my guys anymore. Like, I'm not a, I love Cub cub scout i'm just not a cub scout guy i i love little league but i'm not

dude i'm not making a lot like when you call me and you're like hey who do you think we should pitch and whatever again i'm like what it's tuesday right um and they don't think about deer hunting 24 7 so all i have to say is it just kind of faded and then our kids got older man we've become great great friends again but that doesn't always happen So all I have to say is it just kind of faded. And then our kids got older. Man, we've become great, great friends again, but that doesn't always happen. And so I think you're experiencing both some changes in you and also a natural fading out, which just is something to grieve. It just stinks. I hate it for you.

Yeah. And what makes it really tough, I'm thinking of one friendship in particular and it's like, I'm basically all she's got when it comes to friends. Not your job, not your job, not your job, not your job. It feels like it is really heavy sometimes. That's who you are. You're somebody who loves, you're somebody who helps, but it's not your job to be her everything it's her job to be an adult and to do the work it takes and it's painful hard work to gather a tribe not to pack everything into these big heavy boxes and then hand them to her friend taylor and say you carry this yeah not your job. Is that fair?

Yeah. So a couple of things that I had to implement in my life to change my life, and I'm not perfect at it, but I've gotten way better. And dude, I've got a litany of people that we could call right now and be like, was John super annoying about diet, nutrition, and counseling? And is he always lecturing people at parties? And they'd be like, yep. We love him, but yep. And so here's a couple of my rules.

I don't answer questions I'm not asked. I just don't. I do say out loud, are you asking for my help here? Are you just telling me? And sometimes people feel that as off-putting. But I want to make sure. I feel like they would be off-putting. Well, you do, but they often don't.

I've had to learn to say to myself as a mantra, as a thing I repeat, John, speak less. John, speak less. John, speak less. And it's just become part of my vernacular now. It's an internal dialogue. John, talk less. And it's just become part of my vernacular now. It's an internal dialogue. John, talk less. What I came to find through counseling and through working on shutting my mouth was a scary thing. And that was this. I felt wholly inadequate just showing up

and being a friend. And I felt like the only value I brought to anybody at any time was having a bunch of answers about stuff. And what that did in a roundabout way was suggest that I'm smarter than all the people I interact with. They're kind of dumb. I can probably teach them about how to be married better, eat better, exercise better, do things better, and it really was my ego trying to protect me. And what I had to make peace with is the greatest gift I can give my friends is my presence, just showing up.

And that meant I'd look in the mirror and start convincing myself through action, not just through mantras, but that I'm worth being a friend with. And that was my core root. That may not be yours, but that was mine. I just didn't, at the end of the day, believe I had much to offer anybody. So I'll ask you, are you worth being a friend with? I think so, but I don't always feel so. There you go. You know so, but you don't feel it.

That's awesome. You know why? Because that means you're going to practice. Mm-hmm. And instead of saying something, you're going to reach across the table and just hold your girlfriend's hand. Instead of saying anything, you're going to tip the waitress really well and look at your friend and say, I just felt like I needed to do something nice for somebody. We're just going to practice.

And you're going to have some friends fade away. Yeah. You might have one or two friends that notice and say, hey, you don't talk as much anymore, or you're not like whatever, you've changed. And you can say, yeah, I was really annoying. I feel like I was lecturing you guys all the time, and that's not my job.

Y'all are grownups. Y'all are smart. And letting things kind of be. You know what that is at the end of the day? A non-anxious life. Because I'm not going to control all these variables and all these other people's lives. It's not my job.

Not my job. And if you ask me, buckle up, I'll tell you. I'm not just going to lose my job. And if you ask me, buckle up, I'll tell you, right? I'm not just going to like lose my personality. I'm not going to lose my opinions on things. But I found the more I'm quiet, the more people do ask, hey, man, what do you think about this? Somebody who I never in a million years would have thought called me recently and said, Hey, man, I'm getting a weight bench and I need a workout program. Help me out.

And I was flabbergasted. And then I took 24 hours to respond or maybe a day or two. And his wife reached out to me and was like, It's closer than he's ever been to actually exercising. Will you return the call? And I'm like, yeah, I'm not. Right? But this is somebody

I've hassled for 20 years. And I finally just shut up because I love the guy. And I know he loves me. And he doesn't love me because I have all the information on the right way to do a bicep curl or whatever.

He loves me because he's my friend. And we've shown up for each other for almost a quarter century. And then eventually that call came is that fair sure is you don't like it though huh no i do no i do i really do all right i've talked a lot and thrown a lot at you tell me what you're feeling what you're thinking i'm thinking i really like the fact that i now have a step one but now i'm overwhelmed with

the fact that i'm probably going to have to start being more intentional with building friendships. And that scares me so much because truly, truly, I really do feel like what on earth, why would somebody want to be my friend? I don't know. I'm weird.

I say stupid things. I have weird interests, man. Like I want all the sea monsters to be real. That's the kind of person I am. I would love to be friends with that person. That's the kind of person I am. I would love that. I want to be friends with that person, but... Dude, the first time I went deer hunting, I had to put it in the back of my

Prius. I love weird. It's awesome. And I was wearing Converse All-Stars because I didn't know. Hey, it's part... It just is. It just is, right? It just is. My son recently asked me, Dad, how do you know all the Pantera lyrics and Taylor Swift and John Mayer?

I was like, man, listen, you just gotta. So, hey, being weird is the gift you bring somebody who lives in spreadsheets all day, who thinks rationally about problems, who has never even once considered a sea monster. That's a great conversation over drinks and nachos. You know what I mean? So it's a gift.

But you have to believe you're worth that gift. And that's not for everybody. And if your core identity is everybody's okay around me, that's going to be exhausting. That's a recipe for an anxious life. If your core identity becomes, I'm just going to be me and I'm always going to show up and I'm always going to care for people.

And I'm not going to answer questions unless I'm asked, unless there's a truck coming towards somebody and I'm going to intervene. I'm going to clarify man that sounds really tough are you asking for my advice or do you just want me to listen I'm just going to keep showing up keep showing up because the world needs a little more weird it doesn't need any more crazy we're capped out on that

it doesn't need any more mean or angry we are full up on that but a little more weird, that'd be fun that'd be fun. That'd be fun. Thank you so much for the call, Taylor. You are awesome. Everybody hang on.

We got a cool segment coming up. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, I'm back and it's time for Am I the Problem? Go for it, Kelly. All right. This is from Harper in Wichita, Kansas. My husband has been working out with a female coworker for the past year. They work out once a week at work with a trainer, but it's just the two of them in there. Oh, yeah. They went to high school together and now work at the same company. at work with a trainer, but it's just the two of them in there. Oh, yeah. They went to high school together and now work at the same company. She is his age, young and attractive. I've always thought she has feelings for him,

but he has never shown any interest. I'm not convinced anything is going on, but I have asked him to stop because I feel uncomfortable and it looks inappropriate, but he keeps saying it's not a big deal. Am I the problem? No. I don't think so. And I know that people listening will be like, what? Come on, bro.

It's not. I don't have partnered workouts with attractive coworkers by ourselves, even with a professional trainer. I'm married married to my wife and if my wife tells me something makes her feel uncomfortable um and i'll say within a reason right if she was like when you drive on the highway and there's a woman in a car next to you like that makes me uncomfortable well you're gonna have to just like taylor swift says shake it off but like this is above and beyond and it's just it's courting danger it just is it's just It's putting everybody in a position that one thing gets sideways, and it's tough to come back from. I've also learned this in my life, and maybe it's just my wife. She's amazing, but I've learned that my radar

is about as useful as an old tin roof when it comes to somebody hitting on me or with interest or whatever. And my wife saying, watch out for this one or hey. And I've often been like, what? I've come to believe she knows. She knows. She knows. Right? And it's not this woo-woo thing.

She just, she knows. Same with, I can be like, that dude's eyeballing you. And she's like, what? Well, yeah, because you know what you would do. Yeah. And same with women. We know how we would act. Yeah. So, yeah. I think that's understandable. What do you think? I think in this case

and normally I'd be like, no. A man and a woman could do that. It'd be different if it was and there were other people in the gym. And especially if you're helping each other work out, that's pretty intimate there's a lot of touch you know there's well that's you though you you are spandexed out and kind of handsy in the gym let's be honest not really i've never been in the gym with john

never thank god thank god no but i mean it's a smoke. I'll try to contain myself. But if you're working out with somebody and they're spotting you or they're helping you do different moves or whatever, it is physical. There's a lot of touch. It's just an intimate type thing. And workout clothes leave nothing to the imagination. Nothing to the imagination.

Nope. At all. This is what I look like. Right. With maybe some of it spandexed up real close. Yeah. But this is about approximately what I look like. You can imagine how it all looks right there.

Okay. So, yeah. I think in this case, if she's uncomfortable, yeah. Just either that or just, hey, what? You know, we'll start working out at a time with each other people in the gym. I would even be okay with that. Yeah, or, dude, I'm just going to start working out by myself. Yeah.

I'm going to start working out with my wife. I'm going to, whatever. I mean, my husband works out at the gym where he, the sheriff's office where he works. But there's always other people in there. And, of course, it's mostly men in there anyway, so it doesn't matter. But, yeah yeah I just I don't think she's the problem I don't necessarily think he's the problem either

I just don't think he's getting it he's just not seeing it I don't have any ill feelings towards him I think he is just playing with matches over a little little bucket of gasoline. And he's just like, what?

And she's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And he's like, what? And I think that's it. But you know what they should come to? Money and marriage. Oh, yeah. Okay. That was a great transition for the four people who are still listening after this thing has got off the rails and crashed

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slash getaway. RamseySolutions.com slash getaway. ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway for the weekend of your life. Hey, thank you so much for being with us today on the SHOW. Kelly, you're not the problem. It's me. It's me. It's not you either, America.

Love y'all. Bye. it's me it's me it's not you either america love y'all bye