The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Hid Her Bipolar Disorder from Me

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I just found out my husband is a convicted felon My 18-yo son is on a dangerous path and I'm worried about him My wife wasn't up front about her bipolar disorder when we got married and now I'm struggling Lyrics of the Day: "Dr. Feelgood" - Mötley Crüe   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, sexuality/intimacy, disagreement/conflict, parenting, kids, sickness/illness, bipolar disorder, anxiety, infidelity   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show we talked to a woman who just found out about her husband's secret past. We also talked to a mom of an 18 year old boy and he's not making good choices and she doesn't know what to do. We talked to an awesome husband who's trying to love his wife with mental illness the best he can. Stay tuned. If you want to be on this show, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. It'd be cool if it was A-X-E. I don't know why that'd be cooler.

By the way, you can still tell I am all kind of stopped up here in the spring in Nashville. I guess it's not even spring It's the middle of the summer What an idiot I have the summers I don't know what that means I don't think it's a thing But I do think

This will be my Deloney After Dark voice I think we need to have that show You guys in? Yes We're gonna Spin off a Deloney After Dark Where people write in their dating advice to a guy that hasn't dated in, I don't know, like in 20 years. I'd be excellent at that.

Oh, man. Okay. So, hey, I want to follow up real quick on a call that we had the last show. So one of the balances I make here on the show is between answering a question directly. So somebody calls me with a particular issue, a particular challenge in their life, and I want to answer it directly and not use it to splatter paint everybody and everything else or turn it into some social issue, some big thing.

And I think social media sucks at that, which is taking a human issue, somebody's hurting right now, and turning it into a, yeah, and that's why, and then they spray paint everybody with the same paint. called in and said she had found her five-year-old daughter with down the street and the backyard of a friend's house with a couple of little boys and they were all showing each other their private parts and we talked a lot about what her and her husband could do with their daughter and about how to make sure her daughter knew that her body was beautiful, that there was nothing wrong with being curious, that she's not going to walk away from this issue with shame. The daughter was so freaked out when she got caught under a blanket

with a young four-year-old little boy that she said, I'm worried y'all aren't going to love me anymore. And so we focused on that. And, man, it bothered me all night that I didn't – man, it bothered me all night into – for a while that I didn't take the time to talk to dads and moms of little boys. We focused more on this particular woman, this particular situation. And I want to back out a little bit. Make sure you're teaching your little boys that they need to keep their hands to themselves. Make sure you're teaching your little boys that they need to respect the autonomy of other people.

And that comes in the form of not just, hey, show me your private parts and trying to pull someone's pants down. That comes in the form of boys love to wrestle. They like to put their hands on things and on people. And I love that. And that's good. And they need to have that energy, but they also need to ask permission. They need to be taught, can I engage with you? Not just walking around and flexing on everybody. And I've had to check myself with my own son because he walks through the room and I do it all day. I poke him and I will tussle him and wrestle with him. And it was my wife that said, hey, you're teaching him that his body comes second to whatever you want to do with him.

That because you're bigger and stronger, you get to do, you get to poke on him and mess with him and wrestle with him when he's not engaged. And I realized you're exactly right. And I watched as him and other little boys their age do that to one another. And so I think we have a responsibility, those of us with sons, teach our sons, man, wrestling is awesome, jujitsu, fighting, they've got to be prepared to take care of themselves. I'm a big believer in that.

But they also have to learn that their bodies are their bodies and other people's bodies are other people's bodies. And that before they engage with somebody, before they just start wrestling with somebody, before they say, hey, you show me this, that they recognize there are private parts. There are things that are contextual, right? Your private parts, your private parts. You don't have no business seeing somebody else's. You don't have permission to pull somebody's shirt, pull down their pants.

You don't have permission to have autonomy over somebody else's body. And we need to start doing that early, early, early. I spent, you know, almost 20 years, 17, 16 years in colleges and, man, the sexual assault statistics are off the charts. They're off

the charts. And I think a lot of that starts with us teaching our sons at a young age. Keep your hands to yourself. Unless you're engaged in an activity that everybody's in on. Private parts are private parts. All that stuff starts at a really young age.

And by the way, use the right words. Create an environment where your kids can come ask you questions, man. Make that part of the fun of being a parent. Not like a, oh, but that's part of the fun of being a parent, not like a, but that's part of the fun and engage your kids. Don't let them feel shame about their bodies, but also let them know that their bodies are their bodies and other people's bodies are other people's. All right, that's it on that. I'm not going to just beat that to death. All right, let's get right to the phones. Let's go to, how we say that after spending five minutes on something else? Let's get right to

it. Let's, after a long drawn out deloney whining let's go to michelle in portland oregon what's up michelle how are you hey good morning dr john how are you i'm good what's going on in your world good um not much uh oh sorry i'm a little nervous hey i'm nervous too and i promise you're better at this than me, so go ahead. Okay. All right. Well, not really sure how to say this, but I just found out recently that my husband has a felony conviction from before we were married. Okay. And he's also a registered sex offender. Oh, okay.

That kind of felony. Yeah. Hey, can I ask you you something have you told anybody this uh my mom she's the only one i've talked to other than you i guess now um can you do me a favor yes do me a favor i want you to breathe in real real deep and hold it for a second and let it out i can hear it sitting on you. Yeah.

When did you find out about this? Actually, it's been probably about almost two months now. Okay. Still kind of comes up on occasion. Yeah, I can imagine. So that you're like, hey, pass the potatoes. What the fuck? Yeah, I totally imagine so. That you're like, hey, pass the potatoes. What the fuck? Yeah, I totally can see that.

So how did you find out? Actually, a piece of his mail, I found that he has to register every year with the state. And so they sent him like a little notice saying you have to pay your fine every year to register. And I found it in the mail. How long have you been married? Five years. Do you have kids? We do. And that's kind of part of my question. How many? We have two kids together. We have two-year-old twin daughters and I have a 13-year-old son from a previous relationship. So y'all are in this. Yes. Five years. And what is his explanation of what happened, why he's on the registry? He was in college at the time. So this was about 15 years ago when it happened.

And he was just at a party and he spent a night with a young woman who happened to be under the age that he didn't know. It was one night and he didn't find out until about a week later when the cops knocked on his door. That's what he said. I got all the paperwork from the courts and everything. He didn't spend any jail time. He just had some fines and three years of probation. And why did he hide this from you? Well, he says he didn't hide it. He just didn't tell me. He thought that when we first started dating, we kind of mentioned something about running background checks on each other.

And he thought that I saw it on there and that it must not have bothered me. It's kind of what his explanation was. So I am I about it. I am way, way if that story is true, if you went looked at the court records and that looks right. I am way, way, way, way that story's true, if you went and looked at the court records and that looks right, I am way, way, way, way more worried that he lied to you. That for five years he's hidden this

from you. Because he must have had to go to the mail before you got there every year to go re-register. What's he do for a living? He's like a welder. Okay. So, what'd your mom tell you to do? What's he do for a living? He's like a welder. Okay. Okay. So what'd your mom tell you to do?

She really, she came over that day because when I first got the notice in the mail, I didn't really know what it was because it just pretty much said you're a sex offender. No, you knew what it was. You didn't want to believe what it was. Right. I didn't believe it, but I didn't know what type of a sex offender, what you knew what it was you didn't want to believe what it was right i didn't believe it but i didn't know what type of the sex what what it was for was it really for like did he really go after a woman um or was it like what he said um happened where it was just a one-night relationship and he didn't know that she was underage because he was at a college party but but hold on i i don't want to minimize that.

Rape is rape is rape, right? Right, right. And 15 years ago, yes, I get that. A long time ago, yes, I get all that stuff. But it's a college person's responsibility if they're going to be wheeling and dealing, right? Now, we have a whole other conversation, it's going to be a whole other podcast to talk about.

Is it right to be labeled 15 years later and all this and that? All that isn't pertinent right now. What's right now is this guy's a sex offender. You got married, you got kids by him, and he's somebody that I would have a hard time trusting right now. And what you're going to have to do is decide, A, am I going to reestablish trust with this person? How about this? You got to back out. What y'all had before now is completely over.

Right. Okay. And if you don't start there, you're going to drive yourself crazy. Okay. So this idea that everything's perfect and this is what was is over. There's a period at the end of that sentence and you're going to have to have a season of grieving that you got had. Okay. It doesn't mean this thing's over. That doesn't mean that you can't not be with him, but that does mean now fully wrapping your head around.

I am married to a sex offender, right, wrong or indifferent. And here's the other thing. You're going to have to be really graceful with you because you're going to beat yourself up over this. Have you already done that? Yeah, I have.

Yeah. Don't do that. Okay? You got had. You got lied to. And you can say, I wasn't hiding it. You don't just leave this off.

This is a conversation you have before. Good God almighty. I understand not having this conversation on date one fair. You got to have this conversation before you get married. You got to have this conversation before you have kids with somebody period. And you can't say, Oh, I thought you knew.

Come on, man. Come on. Right. So what are you going to do? Um, I thought about that for a lot. I still love them.

Sure. I mean, some days it's starting to get to where, you know, I don't think about it. And I'll go a whole day without thinking about it. And then the next day I think about it. Yeah. And we're still doing great. You know, the first, you know, about month was pretty hard. But we're doing a lot better.

We're looking at possibly going to speak to somebody. I'd like to try and make it work. Very cool. Were you married before? No, I was not. Okay. But you have a 13-year-old in the house? Correct.

Okay. Yeah, 100% you'll have to go see somebody. you have a 13 year old in the house? Correct. Okay. Yeah. A hundred percent. You'll have to go see somebody. Okay. And he, again, I'm way more concerned at this point,

15 years later that he lied to you. And that's going to continue. It's going to, it's going to be a seed in your relationship. It's going to, it's going to grow and fester if you don't deal with it right now. And so he's still not coming clean with you. He still hasn't looked you in the eye and said, hey, I lied to you.

I hid this from you. I thought you were wonderful, and I thought you would leave if you found out. He needs to be that kind of honest with you. Okay. And until he does, you're going to try to make this all go away, and it's just not going to. And you're going to have to have a response for when a neighbor comes by or a future realtor comes by. Somebody's going to pull up that registry and go, what in the world? And this is going to have to be a part of y'all's life, not something y'all hide and try to – this is going to be a part of your life.

Right? hide and try to, this is going to be a part of your life, right? And at some point, you're going to have to sit down and tell your son because your son's going to get, someone's going to look it up at school and someone's going to say, what about your debt? You're going to have to have that conversation too. And hopefully, your husband's of the caliber now where he would take your son out before he goes to school and say, hey, here's something that happened to me. Here's something I'm going to pay for for the rest of my life. Here's how you honor and treat people. Here's how you are a steward of people around you. Here's how you're a steward of your own body. You're going to have to have those conversations, right? You can redeem this thing, but it's, man, it has to start with unadulterated, clear the deck honesty. And yet you don't have that yet, right?

I hate that for you, Michelle. It's heartbreaking. You're going to have to let yourself off the hook for this, okay? You are. Most of us get married. We know somebody. We love somebody. We've been somebody five years.

We don't think, oh, you know what I need to do? I need to go ahead and check the – we just don't do that, right? I hate that for you, Michelle. Listen, sit down and have the hard conversation. You start over. That's what's happening here. You're starting over, clear the deck, and go get a professional to help you all walk through this, okay? There's going to be a season of grieving, a season of rebuilding, if you choose to stay with them, and then a season of how do we do something completely different than we've done before? Because it's got anything moving forward, it's got to be built on truth.

All right. Thanks, Michelle. All right, let's go to Caroline in Dallas, Texas. Caroline, what's going on? Is it Caroline or Carolyn? Keep going. How are you? Carolyn?

It's Carolyn. I screwed it up. Sorry. All right, Carolyn. That's okay. Everyone does. Hey, so what's going on? How are you?

I'm good. Awesome. It's not going to help. My question is there's tons of layers to it, but my main question is I have a young What's going on? How are you? I'm good. Awesome. It's not going to help. My question is, there's tons of layers to it, but my main question is, I have a young adult son who recently moved out. I think he's rebelling. And so the control that I perceived I had is lost. And I want to support him, but I don't want to enable him.

Awesome. So give me some more context. How old is this adult son? He just turned 19. 19. All right. And is he in school? Is he working? Does he do anything? He's not. We recently moved here from New Mexico and he had started culinary school here, but one day he came home and decided that he was done. He was moving back to New Mexico with friends. There wasn't anything we could do about it. There wasn't really much of a conversation and that was that. Okay. So is he back in New Mexico? He is. Okay. Have you been able to breathe yet? Um, some days, um, I've, he's living with a friend and a friend's mom, and I'm just struggling because there's no accountability or there's no, he doesn't have any responsibility to contribute to the household or take a job or to move forward in life.

And I think that's what I'm struggling with the most is that here he had that and he went to a place purposefully, I believe, that he doesn't have that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So back to what your original statement is, it sucks when you find out you don't have any control, doesn't it? Yes. And from listening to another podcast, he was that ADHD boy that he had lots of chaos in young life. I had him as a teenager. I had another partner, didn't work out, but he was really close to.

And then I have the husband who I have now who's wonderful, but he was four and had lots before that. And so we tried all the things that you mentioned, taking things away, doing all these things, but I think the connection wasn't there. And I didn't realize that until it was too late. So here's what I want to challenge you with. Never say the words too late with your son, okay? Okay. Right now you're in a season and he's 19, he's going to flex and so be it. If he would be willing to one day meet you in Lubbock somewhere or meet you out in Portales or Clovis somewhere and y'all have dinner and just say, hey, you're a grown adult

guy and I love you and you're going to do what you're going to do. I want you to know you always got a place at our house and I'm not going to give you money, but I love you. And I wish you the absolute best. And I want him to have that connection with you. And this is going to sound ridiculous and silly, but I'm hearing more and more and more the value of this as people write in from all across the country. And I've had this experience in my own life. I want you to begin writing him letters. And here's why. You may have heard me say this before.

It's something he can hold on to. And his 19-year-old brain is looking for every reason to justify why he just bailed on you guys and is doing nothing in some burnout's house in New Mexico. And if he gets a letter from you, even a short one, once a week, number one, it helps you because you're writing about him. It's really a form of journaling for you. But he's going to hold in his hand. There's no way he can misconstrue this or twist this. He's going to say, hey, hope you're doing so well. This funny thing happened.

We miss you around here. We love you. And we hope you're doing great. No, you should be doing none of that. Because he knows. He knows that stuff, right? And he's not going to do it. And you harping on him isn't going to help.

If he chooses to ever come back with you, of course, you're going to have boundaries there. He's going to be held accountable and all that kind of stuff. My guess is there's going to come a moment when he calls you for money, and instead of giving him money, I want you to get him a plane ticket home and give him a bed to sleep in, and then y'all can begin to reconnect there. Okay. But I wouldn't send him money. He's resenting us for things that he says are, I mean, the person he's living with has very different views than us, obviously.

And so he's resenting us and speaking those things, but we're also like paying his insurance. And we've told him that that's ending because now he's grown up and moved out. And so, but I'm not, I've not ever been good at holding to that. Like when the deadline came, I would say, well, you can do this instead, or I'll extend it for this, or you know what I mean? But I know I've got to hold them accountable, but I know that that's going to put more distance between us. Cause he's going to be mad that I'm not just letting him drive around with my car, with my insurance. Right. Does he have your car? Well, he has a truck that we bought for him, but it's in our name. And then we, his insurance is on our policy. So what I would do is let him know, Hey, I'm going to sell you the truck. And even if y'all choose to sell it for $500,

right? Well below, but he needs to have some skin in that game say it's in our name we got to get it off our name um or you can say hey we bought this for you this is yours um we're going to sell it to you for one dollar so that we can change the title over and he's got to do that or you're going to file stolen truck charges in 60 days and then you're going to get off your insurance and i'd give him a landing page. I mean a landing space. Don't just say, I'm going to cut it off tomorrow. But you can tell him, you know, in 30 days and 60 days, you're going to be on your own there. And we love you, love you, love you.

And we wish you the best. I don't have a problem. I resented my parents at 19. Right? I don't know a lot of kids that don't or go through some sort of yeah they just that's part of growing up the challenge for parents is to not take it personally and not compromise what you believe in your values to try to make him like you right you're playing a long game with him right now and so your goal now is to hold your values but also stay connected to that

relationship and he's got to learn yeah you can't just pack up mom and dad's stuff and take off and have them still fund your life. That's cool, man. But I love your attitude. If you can keep up, even if you have to hold it together and you hang up the phone and you cry your eyes out, staying positive when you talk to him on the phone, hey, man, we're going to go ahead and sign that truck over to your name,

but you're going to have to buy it from us for $10 or $100 or $10,000, whatever you all think. Okay. And we're going to take you off the insurance because you're an adult now. He can say all the resentful things he wants. That's why I want you to continue to pipe into him once a week for the next five years, 10 years, 20 years, one year. We love you.

Hope you're doing so great. Let us know how you're doing. But he can't delete those things. years, one year. We love you. Hope you're doing so great. Let us know how you're doing. And, um, but he can't delete those things. He can throw them in the trash if he wants to, but it's different than electronic communication. It's something he can hold in his hands, right? And, um, invite him home for holidays if he, if he wants to. And man, let him have his political views. Let him have his whatever. Who cares about all that stuff that's your son right um but if he wants to move out he can move out okay is there ever a point though that i i mean because he's not going around good places he's not going around good people um and that's been confirmed

so like i deleted it now because i know you're telling too but i had gps for a while and the places he's going in the middle of the night are not good or healthy or safe. Like in his biological dad's an addict, so that I'm hyper fearful of that. Um, is there ever a point that I just told him you're coming home? He's a grown man. Control's over. Yeah. I'm struggling with realizing that. Yeah. And you've been through this before. Right? His birth dad broke your heart.

And his birth dad's heart was broken too. You see this. You see what's down the track for your son. The only chance you've got is not a power play because you can't do anything about it. The only chance you've got is not a power play because you can't do anything about it. The power or the only chance you've got is connection here. And addiction is a connection issue, right? That's it.

And whether that's a daily text or a weekly text and a weekly letter, whatever it is, man, that's what you've got. And you're going to torture yourself by tracking him in the middle of the night. Absolutely torture yourself. And you're not going to do any better for him. It's like ruminating, right? You feel like it's good thinking. It's not.

Right. You're just choosing to drown yourself. And this is when you back up and you really double down on your relationship with your husband. Y'all begin to, it would probably be good for you guys to go see somebody, because this is going to bring up years of grieving that you may or may not have done. About old relationships, about old, I wish I should have, all those kind of things with your son. And y'all are going to have to have a plan together, you and your husband, for moving forward. And so, man, heartbreaking.

But you said it when you called. You're struggling with this realization that you've got no control. You're right. It's hard. It sucks. It's heartbreaking. And I hate it for you. Hate it for you.

Hate it for you. Double down on connection. You make sure that you be the adult and you always reach out, reach out, reach out. Stop funding the lifestyle. He's a grown man. He's made grown man decisions. He can have grown up consequences. And the only chance you've got is connection.

You know what? I said maybe you 100% should. You're going to struggle with guilt. You're going to struggle with what did I do? It's going to impact your current relationship. I think it's really important for you to go find a local counselor there in Dallas and both for you and your relationship, your marriage, and make sure y'all are connecting and you're healing as this goes on. It's going to be hard. All right. Thank you so much. Hey, let's take a quick break on the Dr. John Delaney show. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for

wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work.

We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the

parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, let's go to John in Atlanta, Georgia. John, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. D, how are you? I'm awesome. Hey, Georgia. John, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. D. How are you? I'm awesome. Hey, listen. So, inside baseball, what in the world happened last time we were supposed to meet? You were supposed to be on the show a few

shows ago, and what happened? Well, I was trying to be a good citizen since I'm a firefighter, and didn't want to talk while holding the phone in the car, and I tried to pull over quickly and forgot that I had a trailer on the back of my truck and holding the phone in the car. And I'd try to pull over quickly and forgot that I had a trailer on the back of my truck and sideswiped a car. It was awesome. You got, so it was your fault?

100% my fault. Oh man. Are you okay? Oh, it was, it was like a fender bender. My, the wheel well of my trailer just went into their door and caused enough damage that the police and of, my firefighter buddies had to come and make fun of me, and it was awesome. Oh, that's outstanding. So this call is costing you thousands of dollars, right? Well, luckily enough, my deductible is only $500, but I'm sure my insurance will go up, so yes. But you're worth it, I suppose.

I'm going to say this. You know, you love to say that the advice is worth what you pay for it, and you always say that it's free, so this is not the case. Oh, man, I know. I'm going to have to ramp it up a notch, dude. You're like, man, well, I'm glad you're okay, and I wish you were a better driver because now I feel all nervous about this call. I can't screw this up. You're a firefighter. You actually help other people, and you're clearly not a NASCAR driver, which is a good thing. All right, so, John, how can I help? What's up? Okay. Brief synopsis is, uh, I, um, met my wife

and we started dating a little over three years ago. And then we've been married to just about two now. Um, and while we were dating, uh, and then subsequently engaged, she, uh, went on to tell me that she had suffered from anxiety and depression. But we weren't living together, so I didn't get to see the ins and outs. We weren't living together until we were married. I didn't get to see the ins and outs of every day. And right as we were about to get married, maybe two weeks beforehand, she kind of alluded to that it was much more than she had let on. And sort of provided me an out was like, Hey, if this mental illness is worse than I've told you about, is that something you're

going to be able to handle? And if not, I'd understand if you don't want to, you know, go through with the wedding and we were getting married in two weeks and it was a destination wedding and people had already had their tickets and everything was paid for. So, I mean, what am I going to say at that point? Like, nope, let's not get married. And then... Hold on, let me step right there. Did you ask for more information then? Or did you just hug her and like have a notebook moment and then say, I'm with you forever and it'll be fine? Yeah, pretty much that.

It's how I feel now is that like, that I'm in a hundred percent. I was in, then if I'm going to, if I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to spend the rest of my life for better or for worse. Um, so I did not pride. No. Um, and I felt that honestly, if it was on her heart, like when God put it on her heart to divulge all that it was, that would be in her time. I didn't want to push her to tell me more. Um, in retrospect, I probably wish I would have a little more, um, because it was almost like once we got married, a switch sort of flipped. Uh, I can definitely correlate that to living together. Obviously you see a whole lot more of people, um, um, inside that you don't normally see.

And then the fights just were, I mean, full disclosure is that I was not, like you say all the time, is I did not have the tools in my toolbox to weed my way through this. But the fights to me were just incredibly illogical. Like we would argue about things that, and I've been married before. This is my second marriage.

So I know what it's like to be in a marriage where little fights happen over nothing. But this was beyond anything I'd ever seen. And one fight got particularly bad that I had to involve her mother in. Did you? Her mother went on to... Did you?

Yeah, because I was worried about her safety, to be honest with you. Yeah, but... All right. Man, when you... No, no, no. And one time, I'll let him back up too. This was also at her suggestion,

which was, hey, I think you should talk to my mom about some stuff that's going on she could probably help you navigate this so this was at her suggestion also um and at that fight her mom basically said mandy i think it's time to tell him the full truth of what's going on um and that full truth was on. So her mom knew that she had been holding things back from you and lying to you before you got married? I don't think necessarily she knew that. I think it came out in that big fight that I'm referencing. That you had no idea. Correct. Okay. So before you keep going, I just want to back up for anybody listening to this it is not quote-unquote prying to get full

disclosures of medical issues of mental health issues of personal challenges of past history you are the idea of marriage is to become one you are hitching yourself to somebody else and saying ride or die till this thing till the wheels fall off this thing it it is not prying. It is not like, hey, digging in. It's not, hey, you can tell me on your own time. Man, you got to talk. You got to talk to each other, man. Sure. And if you're on the other side of this and you're with somebody

and you're dating somebody or you're thinking about it, you got to be honest. You got to tell the truth. Otherwise, it's not just my personal thing. It's deceitful. You're lying. You're not tell the truth. Otherwise, it's not just my personal thing. It's deceitful. You're lying. You're not telling the truth. And I know that's hard to wrap your head around, the woman you love, but wow.

And, okay, so things get so bad, you've got to call mom, and then what happens? She went on to tell me that she is clinically diagnosed with bipolar type 1. Okay. She has a personality disassociative disorder, a mood lability, kind of the same thing in that same category, and then severe anxiety and depression. Okay. She does have substantial past traumas, molestation by family members. And then when she reported it to her parents, her parents basically told her she was a liar. And so she has a lot of traumas in her past. And

the long and the short of it is that in the beginning, I was, you know, so confused and I was not a Deloney disciple at that point. Um, and being a critical care paramedic and a firefighter, I did what I'd say the more I hear your show, most guys do who have the best of intentions is I tried to fix it, try to go solve it. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. And I really had the best of intentions and it just was not what she needed. And I didn't know that at the time. And it hurts my heart that I maybe furthered her state at the time. I wish I could say that was all the problems that we had, aside from the fights and the ups and downs of bipolar. I hear people say all the time, not friends of mine, friends of mine just people around like oh my spouse has bipolar but i mean i think there's

a big misconception about what bipolar is especially when someone is bipolar type one it's one of the most over um over diagnosed diagnostics there is it's just a catch-all it's become just a catch-all and when you're actually around somebody that truly has T1 bipolar, you go, oh, there it is, right? It's tough. Yeah, it's very tough on everybody. You said there's other things going on. What else happened? Well, there was in the fights and back and forth, and this correlates back to me, she felt like I wasn't there for her or I wasn't being what she needed in these situations.

So it caused her to venture out of our marriage on two separate occasions. And it was early on in our marriage. In retrospect, she told me she was very unhappy and all these different things. So two different affairs essentially came back to back over the course of a four-and-a-half or five-month period. And that was in the beginning of last year, the end of 2019, beginning of 2020. She said it was never anything physical, and I actually do believe her. We've had a lot of counseling and therapy back and forth over it um but it was when anytime the person that you love goes somewhere else for satisfaction even if it's just emotional satisfaction it's it's a hard pill

to swallow yeah and that is oh go ahead top it all off I gotta hear this one. So it just was in, it was after talking, I've been in therapy pretty much the whole time since it seems like it was as a result, not necessarily as a result, but these things were definitely weighing on her about her feeling terrible about herself. She attempted suicide last year in June of last year. Man, I'm sorry. So we just had the one-year anniversary of it.

And it's been a really, really hard two years. And really the reason why I'm calling is not to, I feel like I'm venting or complaining and I'm not. It's I'm more calling for encouragement because so often we hear a verse, and I had it written on my fire helmet, underneath the brim of my fire helmets, that man knows no greater love than this, that one would lay down his life for another. And my whole life, especially being a firefighter for the past 17 years, I have always thought about that as literally laying down your life for someone, dying for someone else.

But God's almost put on my heart that you can lay down your life on a daily basis for someone. And like I said earlier, I choose her for better or for worse. Would I leave her if her diagnosis or her illness was cancer or some other debilitating disease? I would never. So why would I consider that in a mental illness situation? So I'm more calling for encouragement or, you know, when the days get hard. Yeah. So number one.

Which may be hard a lot. Yeah, yeah. It's real hard, man. And so first, thanks for sharing that. And for those people who live with somebody or love somebody who's got bipolar, there's not going to be a dry eye on this call because they've lived what you're going through. And so here's a couple of things to step back, and you may know this, but hopefully I especially at the hands of loved ones. The reason that is so evil is it makes the only thing that can keep somebody well, which is relationships, it becomes the weapon. So her brain has been scanning her environment for the last 20 years, 30 years,

looking for somebody trying to get close to her so that she can sound the alarm so that person can never hurt her again. And now that person is you, right? And so there's part of her brain that knows you are the safest, most loving, most wonderful person on planet Earth. And there's a part of her brain deep inside that says, get away from this guy

this is going to happen again and it's going to happen again and it's going to happen again right that's what trauma does and when folks stepping out on marriage on relationships marriages that's a common thing with bipolar one right you probably were told that in therapy um sexual acting out, addiction, just running and running and running and running until somebody collapses and then not running, right? Just like the whole world is paused. It is hard. Does she have medical care? Is she taking her medication? Yeah, she's been great about it. She has fought hard over the course of the past year. I think the suicide, I mean, she did a, she scared been great about it. She has fought hard over the course of the past year.

I think the suicide, I mean, she did a, she, she scared everyone including herself with her suicide attempt. She, she meant it when she tried it. It wasn't like one of those things that cry for attention in any way. She, so it scared her and she has worked tirelessly over the courses. We both have, we, I have not only fallen in love with your program, you've helped me more than you can ever put into words just with the tools that you keep putting in my toolbox. I appreciate that, man.

She's been seeing her clinical psychologist as well as our psychologist that we both see independently and together. Good. So here's the things that you're going to need to do, okay? Okay. It's going to sound counterintuitive, but you are going to have to really work hard on making sure you're okay. Think of yourself as a stake in the ground, in the bedrock, okay? And you are married to somebody who on some parts of that month and you'll know what I'm talking about loves you with an intensity

that people only dream about when it's good it's real good isn't it it's the best you're the most incredible person who's ever lived right maybe this is a terrible analogy and so I hope the internet don't beat me up for this

it's kind of like a tether ball and you were the pole and you married Maybe this is a terrible analogy, and so I hope the internet don't beat me up for this. It's kind of like a tetherball. And you are the pole, and you married a bird who is constantly flying all over the place, but she's tethered to you. And sometimes, man, it is the greatest. And sometimes it feels like the whole thing is going to fall over, right? Yeah. And I said tetherball and bird. I realize that doesn't all work out together.

But you've got to be that rock and that center, which, what does that mean? It means you got to be diligent about taking care of your physical body. You got to exercise it. I know you're a fireman. I know y'all do that. You got to be really diligent about having guy friends in your life, other men who will hold you accountable, who will laugh with you, who you can go get a drink with. You can just go be with, right? You have to be really, really diligent about continuing to take care of your mental and spiritual self, right? Have people in your life, whether that's a counselor, whether that's a good pastor, whatever that looks like for you. And then you're going to have to just soak up the great, great times,

and then you're going to have to default to routine and practice when things get hard. And I love your spirit. You're in it. It sounds like you are in it, all in it. And then you're going to have to be able to hold your wife accountable. She's got to take her medication. I've seen some really remarkable success stories with folks who will continue to take their meds. And it's hard when things get really good for a season, man, it's easy to stop taking your meds. And that's when you've got to double down and make sure you're still taking them. And people who with bipolar, they really, really miss the high parts because it feels so good, right?

And you're all going to have to be in that part together. But yeah, you've anchored yourself to a hurricane, which is great and hard and messy. And it's going to come down to you taking care of you. That's hard. It's real hard. We have five kids, students. I don't really get much of a break, I'll tell you that. You have five kids?

We do. Together? No, she has two biological from her previous marriage. I have two biological from my previous marriage, and we have an adopted one between us. Y'all adopted a kid, too? Yes, sir. When did y'all do that? What has the last two years been like for y'all?

A little bit of a wild ride. What are you doing? Oh, man. John, you doing? Ah, man. John, you're my hero today. Yeah, you don't get much of a break. You know what that means? It means you absolutely have to have a break. Okay?

And you're going to have to do something that firefighters do not like to do. You're going to have to ask for help. Yeah. And you're going to have to demonstrate for your kids, all five of them, that the best way you can love other people is to love yourself first. To make sure you're

healthy first. Right? Yes, sir. And you know this from being a fireman. You're of no good to people in a burning building. You're no good in an EMS situation if you haven't slept, and if you're not feeling good, and if you're not thinking clear, right? How much more important

than it is for your kids, right? That means you're going to have to have somebody come over and take care of those kids while you go work out, and you're going to have to have somebody come over if you need to sleep, if you and your wife need to go on a date it's gonna have to be part of your life a regular regular part but i'll tell you this those guys those kids won the lottery with you as dad your wife won the lottery but you're gonna have to have places where you can go lay down and be vulnerable to at some point if you are so strong all the time, that pole is going to snap, right?

Yeah, I feel it coming, to be honest with you. Okay. Then what do you got to do? The hard part, I mean, I get the concept. It's just where do I find that time? It scares me. What do you got to do? Just take care of myself.

So where are you going to find the time? You just have to be intentional about it and do it. That's exactly right. How old are your kids? Seven, eight, nine, 10, 13. Awesome. They are old enough now that you can bring them in. Here's what I want y'all to do as a family. This is going to be fun. You probably heard me tell other people this, but this is going to be good for your soul and for theirs. I want y'all to go to Michael's like some crafty store. And I want you to get a Hobby

Lobby, one of those kinds of stores. I want you to get a Hobby Lobby, one of those kind of stores, and I want you to get a giant canvas. Is your wife an artist? She actually does like it a lot, yes. Yeah, a lot of folks at Bipolar find a lot of peace in art. I want you all to also get some stick-on letters, and I want you all to create the family values of your new family. Here's who we are. Here's how we treat each other. We do hard work. We do hard things. We do chores. We treat each other with respect. And I want y'all to paint it. I want y'all to have a family event as y'all come up together, all seven of you. God almighty, seven people, bro. All seven of you. And I want

y'all to create this together. I want you to hang it somewhere in the living room. And I want your wife to play a key role in the artistry of this and the peacemaking of, I want all of y'all to be a part of this. Here's who we are. And then I want you to begin to roll off tasks and chores to these kids. Let them know that they play a cornerstone role in this house. Whether that's dishes, whether that's making breakfast for one another and for the family, whether that's helping with dinner prep, whether that's helping with yard prep, whether that's helping you in your side job, because all firemen I know have side jobs,

they're going to play a key role. And what that's going to allow you to do is A, teach them responsibility, autonomy, strength, resilience. They're going to learn words at that meeting on how to help mom when mom's not doing well. How to lean on you and not on mom during those hard seasons. And how to lean on mom and not on you when you're having hard seasons. And as a fireman, you will. And then you're going to begin to create space and you're going to lead the way for that family saying, I need one hour a day to go work out.

I need one hour a day to journal, to do prayer time, to do meditation time. Because this is when I take care of me. And that means y'all are going to take care of each other. You're going to model that for them and they're going to hold you accountable. Like my two little kids hold me accountable. Dad, you probably should go exercise. You're kind of being grumpy today.

And you're going to build it and build it and build it. And then you're going to have a group of guys that you reach out to, and you can tell your kids, Daddy's going to go be with his friends tonight. They're all old enough to stay at home by themselves now. And you're going to step out. You're going to model that. You're going to model friendships. You're going to model taking care of yourself.

You're going to model taking care of your wife when it gets hard, loving like crazy when it's good. And you know this better than I do. It's not an easy road. It can be a deep and rich and fertile road, but it won't be an easy one. And dude, you say that I'm some kind

of hero. I'm not, brother. You're the hero here. You're doing the hard work. I just talk on the podcast. You're doing the hard work day in and day out. And for all first responders out there I used to show up on scenes it's way easier to show up on a scene and help somebody else

than it is to do the day to day grind in your own home it's way easier every first responder I know it's easier to show up at a car wreck it's easier to show up in a burning building it's easier to show up in a tragic situation. It's easier to show up in a burning building. It's easier to show up in a tragic situation than to be patient and kind on a daily basis. That's hard.

We can do this. Y'all can do this. Thank you so much for your call, Brother John. We're thinking about you. Let us know how I can help as you make this journey with your wife and your five kids. You're in it. All right, as we wrap up today's show,

I was just jamming on the song on the way here, and so I thought, why not? Here we go. I don't remember when this album came out. It was in the 90s, and it was their comeback record when they all got sober, allegedly. It's off the

Dr. Feelgood record, self-titled by the one and only Motley Crue, and it goes like this. Rat-Tailed Jimmy is a second-hand hood, and he deals out in Hollywood. Got a 65 Chevy, propped flames, traded for some powdered goods.

I don't know what he's talking about. Jigsaw Jimmy's running a gang, but I hear he's doing okay. Got a cozy little job, sells the Mexican mob packages of candy cane. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes you feel all right. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's going to be your Frankenstein. At night, he'll always be found selling sugar to the sweet

people on the street they call this jimmy's town and they call this dr john deloney's town show i don't know i was trying to make something cool and it didn't work this is the dr john deloney show Thank you.