The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Is Making It Really Hard to Divorce Her

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A man trying to navigate dating while still legally married ·       A woman struggling with resentment that is negatively impacting her sex life ·       A wife wondering how to be honest with her disabled husband without hurting him Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I really want to get back into the dating world. I want to start a family. It's just been a really messy situation. If you divorce her, is she going to get deported? I do not understand the legality of her situation. Okay, so there may be a reason why she's trying so hard to hide from you. Why did she go to jail? Because she shot a gun at me.

She shot a gun at me. She shot you? Yo, what's up? I'm Jon with the Dr. Jon DeLoney show. So glad that you're hanging out with us today, pulling up a seat at the restaurant, grabbing some chips, some queso, maybe some good salsa, and we're figuring out what's the next right move Whether it's your your mental and emotional health your relationships some tough stuff You're going through some hard choices. You have to make Schools kids work whatever you got going on in your life. Our promise is I'll sit with you

I might have a nacho or two myself and we will figure out what's the next right move All right, Lance in Detroit. What's up, brother Lance? How's it next right move. All right, Lance in Detroit. What's up, brother Lance? How's it going, sir? Doing all right, man. How about you? I'm fantastic. It was my best life.

Excellent. What's up? All right. So, um, my question is I have been separated, uh, since of August of 2022 and, um, I really want to get back into the dating world. I want to start a family. I'm, I'm 26 years old. Um, the only issue is I, uh, hadn't been legalized a divorce and I haven't started the process. Why my, uh, my, my wife, she, uh, she's, uh, she's changed her phone number, her email. I don't know where she lives.

We're in like, we're eight hours apart in different states. So it's just been really complicated and we have nothing to fight over in court. And so it's like, for me, I'd rather just do the easy route and just get it done cheap instead of paying a lawyer to go out and find her. Okay, but that's like, I wanna drag it and it's gonna drop off a pot of gold at my house.

It's not going to happen. So, like, bro, you're a married man. Yeah, legally, but not mentally, physically, emotionally. Doesn't matter, homie. You're a married man. I mean, I understand. It's just, it's just very complicated. It's not call lawyer. That's their job. They'll track her down. They'll surf her papers and it will be done. They can do a like a, it'll be, she can sign a piece of paper. It's done in 30 days and you can move on with your life.

I mean, I just didn't want to send thousands of dollars for a $600 divorce. That was a thing. So you just had this thing hanging over your head for four years now? Yeah, that's just how I've been moving. I've reached out multiple times, but it's always I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. And so I get left on a cliffhanger and it's like, we're talking about doing it, but she'll never move forward with doing it. Bro, why don't you get the paperwork and drive the eight hours to her house and have her sign it? Every time I do the paperwork it like requires like the information like her address her phone number her email the things

I can't find I have to contact her through social media whenever I do You're telling me you a don't have any mutual friends that would tell you where she lives and B You haven't hired a $300 private investigator to get that information to you in less than one hour? I've done every research possible to find her on the internet and I've come to no ability. She's like very off the grid at this point. She's not a US citizen and so it's just been a really messy situation. If she's married to you, she's a citizen, isn't she?

She's not a citizen. She's got a green card. But if you divorce her, is she going to get deported? I do not understand the legality of her situation if we got divorced. Okay, so there may be a reason why she's trying so hard to hide from you. She may understand her situation better than you do. Yeah, I figure that was an option. Okay. So what question do you have for me? I just launched in on you dude. Sorry about that, man What question do you have? It's all good. This is um, I really like I said, I really do want to date I really do want to be I don't think I wouldn't want you dating my daughter as a married man with unsettled business Here's why you're gonna marry a date my daughter

You're all gonna get married or you're gonna want to get married or you're gonna try to have a kid, and she's gonna come out of the woodwork with a claim to your new house, because she's still your legal wife to your 401k, because she's still legally your wife. You can't just go out and like Michael Scott and be like, I declare bankruptcy. I understand, it's just like, everything else has been settled.

We had a house together, and she's already signed over the house to me the deed and everything It's just after she got out of jail. She just changed everything and by that time I was already moved out of state And she's still legally your wife None of those things are negating the fact that she's still legally your wife. I don't know what you want me to tell you, brother. I can't imagine how $2,000 is not worth an infinite amount of peace. I just don't imagine it being $2,000. I imagine it being over 10.

Have you called an attorney? No, I have not. So you just made up a number in your head? No, I just researched this type of stuff on the internet. I got Google. I spent a lot of time because it's very important to me. Why'd she go to jail? I've been trying to get a divorce.

Why'd she go to jail? Because she shot a gun at me after an altercation. She shot you? She missed. Bro, lead with that and you'll be fine. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this.

I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm not going to let you get away with this. She shot you? She missed.

Bro, lead with that next time, dude. Like I said, it was very messy. And so for my sanity, I had to go heal because the situation, I don't want to, I don't want to sound like a victim, but this is the but the incident traumatized me, especially at the moment. And so I was healing. And then by the time she got out of jail, she did her own thing. I did, bro, with all due respect and love, I got to throw a flag on this one.

The most healing thing you could have done would be to end in this divorce permanently Not go hide Okay, I the reason why I didn't get divorced in the beginning and it would have been the easiest time to get a divorce Was because I was protecting her in a way. I know I Get that but don't say you had to like you just go heal. That's not true. I Wanted to see we lived in, we, they wanted me to, they wanted me to, they subpoenaed me to testify against her in court.

Yeah, cause she tried to kill you. But in the state we lived in, I didn't have to testify if we were still married. And that way she could get the charges dropped and then we could both move on with our lives. But did the charges get dropped? Yeah, they did. Why, how long does she, How much time did she serve?

Just up until court date? I would say roughly six months on house arrest. I was financially supporting her through the whole time. For me, the whole thought was I had to financially support her in all this and I was helping her not go to prison for the rest of her life. I really thought that once this was all gonna be done, it would be a smooth process after.

I understand this is not a perfect world. How old are you, man? I'm 26. Okay, you're just making up stuff in your head. Let me back it up. She was not gonna go to jail for the rest of her life for shooting a gun at somebody. Okay, she would have got three to seven, maybe.

And because she's not a naturalized citizen, she may have got deported, that's fair. She wasn't doing hard time, she was doing house arrest. She went in jail, she was at home. You have no idea how much this divorce will cost because you've never called a lawyer, but you made up a number called $10,000. You're creating these stories in your head

and then you're reacting as though these stories are real. You don't even know. And that what I'm telling you is I promise you this dude, the weight that you feel from all of these stories that you're making up is burying you much more than the reality would. And what you have to ask yourself is, do you want to risk her possibly getting deported,

a woman who tried to kill you, or do you want to have a family of your own? That's the question. She made a choice to try to kill you. Yeah, I understand. And so I cannot in good conscience tell you, yeah, bro, you're free. You're right.

You're legally married, but go start a family. Go have a baby with somebody else. Go move in with somebody else. Bro, that will come back and haunt you because she'll knock on your door and say, I'm your legal wife. I'm filing for divorce now because you've cheated on me. I want half.

Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. And you think a $2,000 attorney fee is gonna be expensive. And again, I don't know the state you're in, I don't know where she lives, I don't know where you, like, we've changed your location here, I don't know where you actually are, right?

Like, all I have to say is this, I cannot in good conscience say, bro, just, you're right. You don't feel it in your heart anymore, so you're actually kind of like spiritually divorced. You're all good. I can't tell you to do that because that'd be madness. I can tell you to start getting facts in your life.

Facts are your friends. What is the truth? If you actually call three attorneys and they all tell you about $10,000, yeah, dude, that sucks. And you still gotta go do it. I don't think it's gonna be that expensive though, dude that sucks and you still got to go do it I don't think it's gonna be that expensive though to be honest with you. I don't think it's gonna be near that expensive Maybe I'm a lunatic. I don't think it'll be near that expensive

Especially with no assets that divide up no nobody's contesting this thing. They just got to go get a signature to her Maybe maybe I'm crazy. And if it's $10,000, you still need to pay that $10,000 to make this thing legal. Like ASAP. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you're in a mess, dude. You're in a mess. And I hate it for you. I don't want anyone getting shot by their wife. And I don't want anyone having to decide whether to press charges. I mean, all that's a mess, dude. You're in a mess and I hate it for you I don't want anyone getting shot by their wife and I don't want anyone having to decide whether to press charges. I mean all that's a mess. You're right. It's a mess It's a mess. It's a mess But that doesn't do away with reality you are legally married to somebody and so having a baby with somebody else Shacking up with somebody else buying a house with somebody else. It's just a recipe for chaos and

disaster down the road. It's the best I can tell you, my man. It's the best I can tell you. Coming up next, we talk to a woman who is struggling with low libido and a husband who doesn't seem to care. Let's talk about digital privacy and delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails, leading bad guys right back to us?

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a huge difference. Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas. I was just there last weekend and talked to Emily. What's up, Emily? Emily- Nice to join. Jon- What's going on? Emily- Oh, nothing much. I'm sitting in my car. I'm kind of nervous, but I'm ready to be here. Jon- It's not weird at all if people walk by you and see you in your car on your phone. It's all talking to a podcast.

That's right. What's up? Yeah. So first, I just want to say that I love my husband and I don't want to diminish any of the work that he's put in over the years because through communication, we've been trying to get to a better place. And so I'm really, really happy with where we are. Hold on. Will you do me a huge favor?

Mm-hmm. Okay, you've been protecting him your whole marriage. So let's don't start this call with that same challenge, okay? Okay. You just parachute in and pull up a seat at the bar and grab some chips and then just say, ugh, here's what I'm wrestling with. Okay.

So how can I stop resenting him for past behaviors so I can get my libido back? Okay, tell me more. So I, we've been together for 10 years. We have a blended family, very busy. Four kids together and so we have two little ones and so we're just constantly busy. My son, I kind of felt like he was a redheaded stepchild. He wasn't treated fairly or the same as his daughter in my opinion and he was he felt I was too

soft on him and so he was the latter he was extremely rough on him it really really became like the middle of our you know arguments and everything like that so about a year ago I allowed my son to move out with my father he's only about five minutes away but it was just better on my son's mental health And I wasn't really sure what to do because I have my other two little ones at home since then Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah What yeah, it was hard

So you chose you chose this new husband over your son Well, that's where I was struggling with Forth because there's no struggle here. I guess ultimately yes why I I was really looking out for the two little ones. I wasn't sure what to do as far as, do I leave with them too? Yes.

He wasn't treating anybody else that way. I mean, you started this call telling me how wonderful he is and how much you love him, but you had to send away your son. Do what? I mean, because things have changed and they're actually probably the best in our marriage. So is your son back with you?

Even between him and my son. My son's 18 now. Okay. And he's actually doing really, really well. And so I look at this as it actually ended up being really, really good for him and for everybody involved. And I just, I hate that it had to get to that point. And I wasn't really sure what else to do as far as my two little ones. He just, they just fed it heads. It was two males in

the house and it just wasn't good for either one of them. It's not just because there were two males in the house. It's because you had, I don't really want to own. It's not just because there were two males in the house. It's because you had... Okay. I don't even get into it, but what, so... Yeah, until you address that elephant in the room, your body's always gonna try to protect yourself from him.

Of course you don't have sex with him. He's not safe. Yeah. Yeah, and I've told him this too, that, you know, cause what I was, what I've been going through recently is like, I've been trying like to find what was like wrong with me, like hormones, I got them checked, like I've tried all these things and I'm totally fine. So I told him, I said, it's, you know, I think I'm just resentful for you and how you were

in the past. And I'm trying to get, how to figure out how to get over that. I don't think he's any safer. Okay. Tell me how he is. I have more of a voice now, I guess. And I've told him that some of the behaviors aren't acceptable. And so he's changed those.

Um, he's great with our little kids. He's very involved with, um, the community and soccer and, and sports and his daughter and everybody. And so he's, he's there, he's present. He's, you know, works, you know, hard and, um, provides for us. And, um, he goes to all of our kids events and, and things like that. Um, they, they, they love him. I mean, he's great. I know, but Emily, you just gave me a list of two things. Reasons other people like him

and things he's doing for other people. How has he making you feel seen and loved and safe and playful and known? Well, there are things that I do think that he doesn't. Like he won't help around the house when it comes to things I'm asking him to do. Like what? But he will like the dishes. He'll do the dishes. So when you say, hey, we've got two little kids, I got to go do bath time and bedtime, will you grab the dishes?

He goes, no, I'm not doing that. Sometimes he'll say that he's got things he's got to work on, trying to build multiple businesses and it's not really in the moment. I'm just doing things. It's more after the fact when we have a conversation and I'm like, can't you just pick up around the house a little bit more? Can you just help me with this? And he's, I said, why don't you like the dishes?

He's like, I just don't, I just don't like them. I don't either. He must not like sex either. Yeah, I mean, I'm having a hard time with it because I am in a good place for the most part and I want to, I just have zero desire and I know that it's gotta be because of all of these things. And I just, I don't know what to do

or how I can help us each other and communicate to where we can figure this out. I mean, if I'm being fully straight up with you, I I don't know I would need to talk to him to get a fuller picture, but the the the the story you're telling me is The perception of other people is very important to him. The reality and or the fantasy about these multiple businesses he's going to try to put

together and run is very important to him. His biological daughter is important to him. And that's it. You on the other hand should be grateful that you got such a good provider. There's some women stuff you need to do. And I just don't like to do that crap. I ain't doing that. And I just don't like to do that crap. I ain't doing that. Yeah. And so part of me struggles because I think about all the other things that he does do,

you know, it's just these few things that like I'm tired. So I tell him, you know, if you would do the dishes and then I might not be, it might not be nine and 30, 10 o'clock at night when you're ready to go, you know. But there are a lot of things, he works from home and he does a lot of things around, like we live on a farm and he works out in there and everything too. So I don't want to be ungrateful for those things. So I'm not, I don't know how, like what kind of balance of our household chores is appropriate. It's not about the chores. I don't know what kind of balance of our household chores is appropriate.

It's not about the chores. It's about you have a partner that just wakes up and does whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it, and you wake up and do what has to be done. Yeah, I have a long commute to work and back. Why are you working if there's these multiple businesses that are going so well? Well, we just started. We're launching in the fall. Oh, so these aren't businesses that are making money? Well, one of them is sort of. Not yet.

Here's what I hear. You've got it really ingrained in your head that you want things to be different, but you don't really want them to be different. Okay. Is that fair? He's saying you want to want to sleep with him. You want to want to think about sleeping with him.

You do not want to take him on. to want to think about sleeping with him, you do not want to take him on. You want a partner who actually walks around the house with eyes wide open and says, here's what we need in this house. You may have heard me talk about Emily Nagatsky's great work about the ons and the offs. Here's the like the brake pedals and the gas pedals. And instead of saying like, what's wrong with me? Why won't my libido work? And by the way, you went to the doctor, which I applaud you.

That's the place to start. And all your tests came back like, nope, you're ready. Your body's working great. Then if your whole house is stop signs, because there's dirty diapers over here, there's laundry over here, there's clothes over here, there's dishes in the sink piled up, and you got a guy sitting at his computer, quote unquote, working on some businesses that are going to start in the fall, and you just got, you left a long commute, you just got home and you have another full time job at home and he he's like I don't do that crap that's a house that is just full

of stop signs your body has a full-time job too do what those businesses are on he also has a full-time job too so he has all those you know the business ventures I mean I'm on board with those I understand that it takes sacrifice but I get what you're saying with full-time job too. So he has all those, you know, the business ventures. I mean, I'm on board with those. I understand that it takes sacrifice, but I get what you're saying with the other stop signs because everything he just said is completely fair. So here's what I'll tell you. Let's be not, I want to honor him. Like, I'm going to trust you. He's been doing a lot of work. He's really working hard. Okay. Often when a guy feels like, I don't know what I'm doing at my house,

they just go to work because that's where they, it's the one place in their life where they feel successful. And so maybe he's trying and trying and trying because that's the only path he knows to self-worth and value is, I need to have a business making this much money. Or that could be the place where he hides. Only you know that and only he knows that. But you're making a lot of excuses for you

and for him and for the house. I think the bigger question is you and him both getting on the same page. Because great, go start 14 businesses, who cares? It may just not be right now. Yeah. Or to put it in my house language, my wife told me at the beginning of last year,

the greatest way you can love me is do not write a book this year. Done. And hot off to number one best sellers, I can promise you the publishing division of where I work sat down and said, are you ready to go up, go again? And I said, nope, I'm taking 18 months off.

Because yes, I want to write a book. Yes, it supports my family. Yes, it helps do all kinds of things for us. And it takes away a lot. It wouldn't write season for it. But that's because we come back to the table and we come back to the table and say, what season are we in right now? What's best for both of us right now? How can I love you right now? Yeah, I told him that too, that there's, you know, he's just too busy for us.

And, you know, he's more passionate, in my opinion, about the community and these other kids and soccer and things like that, that, you know, he doesn't have enough time, or when he gets home from practices and everything like that, it's already like bedtime. Okay. Then other people in the community are getting first fruits.

Yeah. And if you've had that conversation, that's really tough to stomach because he looked at you and said both through his words and through his actions, you're seventh on my list, honey. And I hate that for you. I mean, golly, it breaks my heart for you.

I don't know another path for you other than to have one final conversation where you say, this is what must be true. I need some yes or no answers for you. Are you willing to not do so much soccer so that you're home and present with me in the evening so you can help around this house? Yes or no.

Are you willing to pause a couple of these businesses that are more long-term, maybe get ready to start one of them in the fall. We're gonna pause a couple of these other ones because we have two really young kids plus your daughter here, we just got a lot going on plus I have a long commute and a full-time job. Are you willing to plug in here?

And I don't know how, you don't know how we're gonna both figure it out together. Are you willing to do that? Yes or no? And just go down the list of what you need and what you want. And I say one last conversation. You can decide this is just the life you have and this is the life you want to live. And you can want to want to have to be intimate with this dude, but you're not having the

conversations and the direct impact and taking them on and him circling around and saying, you're right, man. Forget all these businesses. I want you. I just don't know how to do that. Right? You can make peace with that life. If that's the life you want, I will high five you. But I want you to stop beating yourself up because it's not something else. There's just a tough, tough mess that I don't...

I feel like the reckoning conversation has already happened. You just haven't heard it yet. Or he seems like he's been really clear to you. Here's what's gonna be true in my house. I'm doing all this other stuff, period. End of story. I know you want me to do issues, I don't really like doing that. I know you want me to do XYZ, I don't really like doing that. I know you want me to some help around the, I ain't doing that. So it sounds like y'all had those conversations, but at least for me, I'd want to make sure I had it super clear, yes or no, are you in or are you out?

And if you're out, then you have some choices to make. If you're in, you all got some choices to make. And if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'd love to talk to him. I've been a guy who's stuck and not knowing what to do next. So I just work harder and I just have more schemes and dreams and let's crank this up. Let's try this out. And really, my wife was just saying, dude, will you help with the dishes

and come sit on the couch with me, please? It's hard, it's hard. I got compassion for the dude. But y'all got some hard decisions to make. I'm really grateful for the call. Coming up next, talk to a woman who is struggling with not being able to have children due to her husband's disabilities. We'll be right back.

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you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right. Memphis, Tennessee. Let's talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Hello. How are you? I'm doing all right. What's going on in your world? Um, I am kind of struggling. Um,

I guess taking care of my disabled husband. Um, and kind of coping with the reality the older I get of Possibly not having kids Um, so I don't know how to deal with that whatsoever. Yeah, I don't know how to deal with that whatsoever. Yeah. I don't have any magic on that one. This one's just really hard. Yeah. It's tough.

Real tough. I mean, a few years ago, I wanted to just to be brutally honest and transparent. I actually wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be alive. I don't know how to cope with that. I don't know how to kind of explain that to my husband either. Did you attempt to die by suicide? I've had thoughts, but that was probably, I don't know, a decade ago. So around the beginning of our marriage.

How long have you been married? 12 years. And what's the nature of his disability? Um, he's currently, uh, I mean, I help him bathe, um, obviously do all the shopping, cooking, um, all that stuff. Thankfully he has all of his limbs, but it's a lot more mental. He has two brain injuries. Um, he did have to learn how to walk again. Um, he has a lot of back issues. So just a lot of stuff that's really changed his

personality, just kind of how he is, obviously. It's not his fault what he's been through. So that's why I have stayed. I love him more than anything. But again, it's that struggle of kind of coming to him and saying, hey, it's hard for me to take care of you because I feel horrible saying that. Do you think he doesn't know? I think he knows, talk about it. I just lost Joe, what'd you say? I think he knows, we just don't talk about it.

Okay. I think we need to put that on the table. And my oldest friend on planet Earth is a traumatic brain injury survivor from a real bad car wreck. Totally altered his life unimaginably. And he doesn't like me helping him go to the bathroom. He doesn't like me having to wipe him when I go hang out with him. He didn't like that.

I think he knows. Talk about it. I just lost you. What did you say? I think he knows. We just don't talk about it. Okay. I think we need to put that on the table.

And my oldest friend on planet Earth is a traumatic brain injury survivor from a real bad car wreck. Totally altered his life unimaginably. And he doesn't like me helping him go to the bathroom. He doesn't like me having to wipe him when I go hang out with him. He didn't like that. And we both know. You know what I mean? We make jokes about it and we laugh.

But yeah, putting that on the table, if he can hear it, if his traumatic brain injury has changed him in ways that he couldn't comprehend that, maybe it wouldn't make sense to do that. I guess I wanna give you permission for a couple of things. The first one is, it's okay to be really sad at the situation. And you're not selfish for not wanting your life to have turned out this way.

You're not selfish for wanting kids. You're not selfish for being so sick and tired of not just being able to go to the grocery store. You're not selfish for wishing you could dance with your husband. Or have wild bananas, banana ram of sex with your husband. You're not selfish. Does it make you a bad person? Okay. Yeah. Has somebody told you that or is it just a story that's kind of looping on you?

No. No one tells me that. Okay. I feel selfish. Okay. But I don't know the, the older I get, it just, it just seems to be bigger than me, like something I can't fight. Yeah.

And I'm sorry if I'm coming across like you can't understand them. Nope, totally understand. It's so difficult. Totally understand. It's so difficult. Totally understand. I don't understand it in a lived experience like you do, but yes, there's days you wake up and realize, oh, this is the rest of my freaking life.

Fair? Very. Or he's going to hang on until I'm 53 years old and then he's going to pass away and I'm going to get to start over at 53, right? Yep. And you had a picture of y'all two having kids and grandkids and none of that's gonna happen, right? Okay, pretending that those aren't real thoughts and feelings, and just trying to shove them

down, it makes the whole thing feel unbearably heavy. You can't carry all that. It's okay to say it out loud. In fact, you have to say it out loud. You don't have to bury it with him. Or you don't have to bury him with it, but yeah, it's real, it is. That's what I was worried about,

is having to come and just carry it on my own. Cause the accident happened when he was, um, we were both 19. So it was, we were eight months into our marriage. So it's been pretty much like this, our entire marriage. And I regret none of it, but I just never anticipated feeling this much loss and why do I feel it 12 years later? I don't understand and I don't know how to tell him either that it hurts. Could he either that it hurts. Could he hear you? No.

Okay. And let's let that fantasy go. That's part of a deeper dream that you could go back to the way y'all were when you were 18 and when you were gross and holding hands and talking about the future and staring off into space and he was having wandering hands and you were getting nervous, like you want to go back to those moments, those moments are gone. And you're not a bad person for being so exhausted. You're not a bad person for waking up and being 32 or 33 years old and saying, I want

children. Okay? Yeah. And I want you to take ownership of the fact that you've chosen to wake up every day and continue to be his wife. That is a level of character and ability that I think few people have. That's what my mom tells me. I feel like she has to. I don't have to tell you nothing.

I'm just telling you. That's why it means so much to hear you say that because I just kind of, it just rolled off my shoulder when my mom says it. I know. If I just wanted to be a mom and that was it, I would just go and do that with somebody else. I know but I Want to give that to him? Yeah, when's the last time you said that out loud this just sucks

Okay When's the last time you said that out loud? This just sucks. It's been a long time. Okay. It's been a really long time. I tell you what, I think you're, you're not only an amazing wife, you're an unfathomably amazing wife. You know loyalty and commitment and integrity in a way that most people just stitch it onto

a pillow in a hobby lobby. The calls I take on this show about, well, she's gained 30 pounds and he's gained some weight and she's got cellulite. And you're like, listen, I would take anything, right? Yeah. I would take anything, right? Yeah. I mean, I know, I know what it's, on my end, I know what it's like to

get that phone call because his accident, I'll try to state in my question, but just very, very quickly, he was blown up by an IED in Afghanistan. And as I mentioned, we were 19. And I know what it was like to get that call. And thankfully, I just remember being so happy that he was alive. I didn't care what condition he was in. And I feel like 12 years later, I still live that way.

And maybe that just, maybe it doesn't mean I'm an amazing life. Maybe it just simply means we're soulmates. I don't know. But the older I get, the more I just want to give him something to make him feel like his life meant something because he couldn't serve anymore. And we've been together since we were 13 and we've had literally kids names picked

out since then. And that's all that we both have ever wanted and he's such a good man. I just, I struggle so bad just wanting to be like everybody else and give that to him. You've given him everything Ashley. You've given him your entire life. You've given him your entire life. And listen, I hear a little bit in your voice, and I can be wrong here, I hear a little bit in your voice that you feel so guilty wanting anything for yourself that you have to kind of bend it and shape it to make it in service to Him

for you to even state it out loud. You're allowed to scream to the heavens and say, I wanted three kids, damn everyone. You're allowed to bam your fist on the table and scream and yell and say, why didn't I not get a full life with this guy? That doesn't make you a bad person. That makes you human. That makes you a wife that feels and loves deeply. I think I get so lost in trying to handle everything because I know he needs me to do everything

and uh... Can I challenge you on that? Absolutely. He doesn't need you to do everything. He needs somebody to help with everything. And at some point, you're either going to collapse under the weight of all of this, or you're going to get some skilled nursing care, you're going to get some support and some help.

You've done so much. And you can still go to Broadway plays in New York. And you can still take dancing lessons and go to yoga in the morning. And in fact you've heard from his brothers who were overseas who came back now they have to live for two people right you've heard that over and over. Okay you choosing to not get support and help and cashing in all of your laughter and joy on his behalf is not, that's not honoring.

You doing the best you can to squeak out joy and laughter and fun and silliness in the little tiny pockets of space that you can squeeze out. Man. I just want him to be happy for once. I know. I want to give him something. You've given him everything Ashley.

Ashley, you've given him everything. Why don't I feel like it's above? Just me. Because it sounds like due to the nature of his injury, you want him to be something that he can't be. And often when we have that gap between what truly is real, what's reality and what we want reality to be, it's we haven't fully internalized. That grief. You hit the nail on the head.

Most people don't know what it's like to be so optimistic for so long and then all of a sudden be hit with, oh, this is as good as it's going to get recovery wise for TBI. Most people have never had to deal with praying for their friend or their loved one to pass away finally and then having to deal with the guilt of that prayer. Please God, just take him. Most people haven't had to wake up every day. You have people that show up and it's fun and it's laughter and look who's here and oh my gosh, and maybe even some silly back and forths or something else to do the bath again and then do the bath again

and then change the diaper again and again and watch the boy you've loved since he was 13 turn into a man that's just a shell of himself. I mean, you are living the minute by minute lived experience. It's exhausting and it's traumatizing and yes, it's honorable. It's all those things all at the same time. But hear me say unequivocally, you through your phone call, through your commitment to your husband, have given all of us, especially me, I'm number one in this line, you've given all of us a new picture of what fidelity and commitment and loyalty look like, what love looks like.

Number two, I want you to figure out ways you can get some support and help, even if he fights you on it. Can he drive? Yes, just for a little bit. Okay. Does he hold a job? He only works a couple hours a day from home. Okay.

Because he can't work a full-time job at another place, right? Yeah. Okay. There's some cognitive impairment, right? Yeah. Okay. So if he gets mad at you, if a nurse comes for four hours, or if he gets mad at you because your mom comes for two hours a day or his mom comes for two hours a day

or a neighbor comes for two hours a day, you know that's not really him talking, right? And the greatest gift you can give him is for you to be fully whole. Is for you to be fully whole. And that's going to be tough to do amidst a life of sacrifice. You have chosen to sacrifice your life for him and with him. It's amazing commitment. That is a true, that is till death do us part.

Sickness and in health. But that doesn't mean you can't go to yoga class and go take a dance class and go see a movie and go to a Broadway play with some girlfriends. That doesn't mean you can't sit down and say, the weight of this is getting so much, I'm going to, we're calling in some reinforcements and some help. Three days a week, we're going to have somebody come take you to rehab or three days a week, we're gonna have somebody come sit and help with breakfast and with bathroom stuff. And I'm

gonna get out of the house. I just lost you there. What'd you say? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to do that? I don't know. I don't think that's why I don't do that. Okay. You've heard me say, choose guilt over resentment. Yeah.

Okay, let's do that. Cause he doesn't deserve your resentment. And if you wake up and you've had 20 years without laughter, if you had 20 years without going to a funny movie, if you had 20 years without going out with your girlfriends and just being silly, you're going to resent him. Let's don't get there. Okay? Okay. Let's give him the gift of a wife with the lights back on in her eyes.

And you're going to have to grieve the kids that you all aren't going to have. That's for real. You're going to have to grieve the giant house in the lake house that you all probably won't have. You'll have to grieve the fill inblank that you won't have. And by doing that you get to live in the space that you do have. If you're not talking to a counselor I want you to make an appointment today. Okay? And in fact we're gonna hook you up with three months free from our friends

at BetterHelp. I want you to be able to get in with somebody the next 24-48 hours so hang on the line here we'll get you hooked up okay? And I'm also gonna send you my book Building a Non-Anxious Life, and I want you to read that cover to cover. It's going to give you a roadmap for how do I live a life after owning reality. This is what it is. How can I own a life where I make sure I've got friends, where I've got connection, where I've got places in little pockets, where I've got laughter, where I can take care of my

physical health? I got to go to the gym too. And and I gotta start reaching out and asking for help and when I feel guilty I'm gonna feel that guilt then I'm gonna go do the next right thing that I need to do. It's been one of the honors of my week one my month to get to talk to you Ashley and you're a neighbor if you ever want to come up here to Nashville it's just a few hours away come on up to Nashville and I'll have a cup of coffee with you out in the lobby We can chit chat, but it's been an honor talking to you You're one of the torchbearers. You're a standard bearer for what?

Sickness in and health and let till death do its part and your husband gave everything for us overseas You're both amazing people and That doesn't always mean everything is easy day in and day out. Sometimes that means it's really, really hard. It's been an honor talking to you. Call me anytime, Ashley. Coming up, I'm going to take your money and marriage question. This one is about how do you prioritize your marriage without feeling like you're ripping off your kids? We'll be right back. prioritize your marriage without feeling like you're ripping off your kids.

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save 15%. Alright, here's the money in marriage question left in the anonymous question box at our last money in marriage retreat. How do you make your spouse a priority without it appearing you're ignoring your children? I guess first, I don't care how it appears. Here's what your kids need. More than anything, they need to see two parents completely plugged into each other, completely on each other's side, completely on each other's team, and that becomes the foundation that kids anchor into. Kids don't

need every interruption, every, mama need a snack, dad can you help, dad, dad, dad, mom, mama. That's a second and third and fourth tier. They need a mom and a dad who are completely, they need parents. They don't have to be a mom and a dad. They need parents plugged into each other. Period. Okay. Here's what this looks like in my house. When I walk in the door, most of the time, I walk past my kids, hey guys, hey guys, and

I hug my wife. We have chit chat time. Still not super sure what that is, but we have chit chat time. Or I'd say grown up time. Y'all get out. Oh, come on, daddy. Y'all get out. Grownup time.

My son kind of, he just knows. He just been doing this his whole life. My daughter still tries to fight it. She'll come in after five minutes. But mama, hey, grownups are talking. Out, out, out, out. And that's a gift to them. What are we doing tonight? Your mom and I are going out on a date

and it's gonna be a hot one. Gross, dad, stop. Don't care, it's gonna be amazing. And you two guys are gonna sit at home and eat macaroni and cheese, but we're gonna be out on a date, spending money, looking googly-eyed at each other. It's important for them to know those things.

Hey, we're doing budget and we're doing calendar time. But dad, I need help. Nope, ah, walk away away we need 45 minutes when the clock strikes x y z come back and here's the deal if they see you having like if you like we're talking right now but you're both sitting on your phone they know if you both are doing like one of you is ignoring the other person, they know. Plug directly into your romantic partners and let your kids see that and experience that and then say, all right, we're done chit chatting.

What can I do for you? What do you need that was so important? I just needed you to. You're fine. You're going to live. You're going to live. And sometimes you need to just put snacks out, put fruit in a bowl or something and just say, there's fruit right there.

If you're dying of hunger, you can go eat that right there. Kelly, do you have anything to add? No, I don't. I think it's just exactly what you said. I mean, I remember my parents being that way. Nope, we're going out. You're not invited. And I do that. My daughter's always, well, can I come? Nope. But I think that it's so anchoring to know that mom and dad are on the same page. There's a safety in that.

Yeah. I mean, it's just that. And I guess the thing that throws me in this question is without it appearing, you're ignoring your children. Appearing to who? Who cares? You're nine. I don't care how anything appears to you. Yeah, I just don't- Now, there is a line which we learned in our first call where if there's issues in the marriage and you're

sending your kids away at their expense. Oh, you're causing major long-term challenges. There's a difference between that and we're talking right now, we're connecting, we're going on a date. There's a big difference. Or we're going to the bedroom, we're locking the door. Don't knock on this door. Yeah. What's the matter with y'all? You don't want to know what's going on here, trust me. That's not, quote unquote, appearing like you're ignoring your kids.

And by the way, I'll even go this far. Ignoring your kids is okay. Yeah, they're fine. They're fine. Yeah. They need to be taught. Constantly, always ignoring your kids is horrific. It's a nickel act.

But there are times when dad is working on a project at work. Go away. That's okay. It's okay. Yeah, they're going to live. When you're with them, put your phones down. Be fully with them. Fully with them.

When you're kicking a soccer ball, don't kick it with a phone in your hand. Go kick the soccer ball. When you're wrestling, don't be like, hold on, I gotta check my... Be fully with them. Prioritizing your spouse is not ignoring. It's honoring.

Love you guys, bye.